#i cant bother anyone with this im just tired of thinking it. im tired of being so upset about my headmate getting to be happy now.
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i would rather live with ana for the rest of my life than binge like this ever again
#rending.txt#i dont know how to stop binging i was doing so well yesterday and then for no reason it fell apart#i just want to stop#i have so much to do today but i just dont want to do anything im so depressed#im just going to lay in bed and eat all day and think up ways to die#i already know my chosen method i just cant be bothered right now so maybe later#i just want to keep sleeping#i called in sick to work today because i was so so tired and i slept i think nearly 12 hours which isnt bad#i wanna go on a walk and work out and stuff but i just. cant right now. i need to work on my job presentation but i just cant#i just want to keep eating and go back to sleep and then wake up and end it#but i just need to make it to therapy tomorrow and maybe itll get better? who knows#i dont even have the energy to walk up to tesco to get blades or more food so im laying im bed eating dry granola like a pathetic pig#i dont wanna talk to anyone but my boyfriend but hes asleep and i dont want to vent to him anymore because it makes me feel guilty#and it doesnt help to vent to him anymore so i just make him sad for no reason and i dont know how to vent to anyone else#i havent changed my bedsheets in weeks and theres so much trash on my floor you can barely walk in my room and i havent showered in a week#i just dont have the heart to cry anymore i just want it to stop#i did everything i was supposed to so i could prevent binges and it didnt work at all so i think im beyond saving lol
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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words fail me
#my art#emeto tw#sorta#who needs sleep after your catbwakes you upmat 3am to hurl after a fairly fucken bad day not fuvken me#i cant be bothered w the typos#like how tdo people say words#they just tell people things...?......????????????????#wah wah i had a bad day and couldnt sleep and had a panic attack#when i put it ike that indont look smart#im starving also#idk why#have to get up then#the words just lodge in my stupid throat and i cant fucking spit them up without a reason and no telling people is not a reason#apparently art is a reason#i have more words secretly. its likely healthiest to putnthem here#i feel like crying whenever mom and sibling have a productive convo cause thatb means i didnt waste months of my life working with himonstuf#getting in the boat stuff. theres still problems i dont know where thr balance is. betther to clean the kitchen to show yoh care or better t#o trust people to understand the limits of others? who knows but be sure to yell at me in a panic because you suddenly want my help with it#i think it was a legit panic attack with hyperventilation and everything and it was the middle of the night and i had to be the one that tal#ks myselfnthrough it not that id really trust anyone to have that skill but its still fuckend up#im tired#im really very tired
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"Today I will finish the concept art for this character and digitallize these 3 background sketches and the UI and if I have time left the start screen and my presentation" girl you spent the entire day fighting for your life trying to finish the base for the character. Sit down.
#AAAAAAAGGGGGGG IM SO BEHIND#im gonna make the backgrounds sketchy for now but i guess i will do them the next few days...#im concentrating on finishing this character sheet and the start screen today since its very simple#and hopefully i WILL do all the presentation and UI tomorrow...#my head hurts and im so tired but if i touch a bed again im never getting up. im tired all the time anyways#and if i stop working then i will just start thinking about the fact i have to do a presentation in front of +40 people and die#i really need to practice :(#also because im an idiot i want to draw ALL the slides instead of using google images. because i hate life#someone give me coffeeeeee and a energy drink whatever i need to wake the fuck up and concentrate#haunted.txt#at least Helena looks good but i cant help but second guess#also at least she doesnt have as many textures as Magali. i can rest a little#<- idiot that draws all textures by hand instead of using a template or smth#what bothers me more about the presentation is i want someone to practice with but :) i dont want anyone to laugh at me :)#im like this close to snapping
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Not to be dramatic or anything but I think reaching out to people could fix me
#guess who's been alone with their thoughts too long today#im just#Man im tired of being alone all day#not blaming anyone ocf#its just timezones#but like if i wanna stop being alone#maybe i should just man up and actually Talk#cause i know my presence cant be This annoying#but i also just dont wanna bother anyone u kno#i just wish i had better ways to Not think#but all the games i own rn are i the 'grind' stage#and thats too repetitive#so it makes me think#and dude holy shit there's Nothing to watch#and my room is too fuckikg cold to draw#cant crisler get here already i need pokemon to forget the ouch
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i think if i dont get a new job soon i am going to kill myself
#like im making absolute dirt shit money i cant save up even w/ over time and ive been fucking my health into the ground#to the point where im on MEDS for STRESS to cure my fucking STOMACH PROBLEMS#like. i cant digest food bc of STRESS. that is fucking insane i make minimum wage#i just need a normal 9 to 5 with weekends off how does every other adult manage that do those even exist anymore#where are all these $20/hr jobs old people complain about i dont see them#like i cant go back to school bc its awful and people are awful but work is so much worse#the assistant manager came into my twitch chat to talk about work how did i even get in that situation.#why would anyone think thats acceptable or okay#why does a 40 y/o man think im his best friend kill me kill me right now i am in hell#every day is just so fucking uncomfortable and disgusting my customers are disgusting and creepy#i am a fucking 20 year old get the fuck away from me#why cant i just be like a bank teller or smth and make enough money to move out of this god forsaken state in like a year#i dont even have my own life i have so much stuff and never do anything with it bc im always working or tired from working#i dont think bank tellers have to deal with crackheads screaming at them and calling the police bc they cant login to google#or not having a work schedule for a month bc the district manager just cannot be bothered#i think its a great job for normal people that arent constantly too high off their ass to hold a conversation#definitely wont have the same problems i do now itd be new problems#like passive aggressive 30 y/o women drama#be a nice change of pace
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😶🌫️hm.
#im trying so hard to distract myself#im blasting music in my ears to the point i might end up with tinnitus one day#im replaying some of my favorite songs#im playing my comfort songs#but im ngl im still a bit nervous#the urge to just grab my pocket knife and just. slit my wrist open where a major artery is or smthin or down a bunch of pills is SO strong#im tired of living. im tired of suffering everyday and being too scared to message anyone abt it bc i hate bothering people#not to mention when i finally DO have the guts to msg someone theyre already going through sht and i dont wanna put more on them#its not the first and it wont be the last time that i have the urge to just fuckign kill myself but.#i genuinely just dont see the point in me living.#people on here only see the brighter sides of me bc i only post the best of my days usually#but ive been in an abusive relationship. i have religious trauma. i have trauma from when i was a child that gave me ptsd.#i have serious depression. and i cant even take anti depressants because im on seizure meds.#life has always been nothing but shit and im sick of trying to be positive for everyone only to be called all sorts of names and abandoned#idk. maybe dying really wont be so bad. maybe it wont be painful. i dont know. i really dont.#im typing everything here bc i dont want to post this openly and ik 99.9% of people dont read my tags anyway so its...a nice way of venting#i think.
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I can not sleep
#this actually SUCKS#my back aches and i can hear the electricity whirring through the walls#and i can feel bugs on me but i know theyre not real but i cant because what if#i cant lie still#brain is going random places#lizzietalks#i am going.#mildly insane#this close to sleeping on kitchen tile rn#havent tdone it in very long time#however#tempting#last night was constant nightmares#and now its just no sleep at all#please heavens let me sleep#j think im probably just anxious#easter is over and its time for me to return tk the city#i hate the city#i have been aboiding about how anxious i am this week so much i forgot i was#so last nights nightmares (there were four)#makes complete sense#cause why was i getting literally murdered so much#god im so tired#and i am screaming into the void cause im too ancious to actually tell anyone else because like#im bothering them and also like wtf is anyone meant to do with this information of ther than#lizzie is depressed again#the only times i have left my house this past two weeks is because i made plans to make sure id leave#all the while being completely fine™#because i dont want anyone to know i am indact depressed again#because ill become sad lizzy is fucking sad again
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i guess the question is just what do i do now
#other than the obvious thing which wouldn’t be fair to my mom#whos the only person in the world that actually likes me i think#when did i go wrong#was it the “power” and responsibility#was it letting the word actually creep into my already horrendously annoying vocabulary??#all questions i shout into the void until my therapy session tomorrow#where i spend the whole time debating whether or not to tell my psych how badly i wanna walk into the ocean and never walk out#im just tired#why do i bother suffering so much if i cant make myself into a person anyone even wants around#its to bad i dont have deadly anaphylaxis reactions to anything#it'd make shit a lot easier#i guess i should finally play disco elysium#but the problem with that is I'll wanna talk to people about it afterwards#and im not cut out to talk to people#i really shouldnt do it#i thought I'd figured it oit but turns out i didnt
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#vent again just ignore please and thank you. chewing at my arm. ik why we have to wait till next year for me to get help i do know why and#i understand but it also just sucks. its at least helping though no matter what i just gotta hold on but i rly dont want to hold on anymore#id say i sound pathetic or worthless but im not. ik im not. talked about mental health with my best friend today snd idk made me so self#aware of myself i feel gross and ugly. i cant even look in mirror by how ugly i am. i want to drink. i really want to drink. it sucks.#ditched or the person seems bored.. there's no point lmai.#the craving sucks. im sleepin almost all day and than night fucking sucks. i should be sleeping now but i need to write my thoughts out or#i will feel worse i will feel so much worse snd i dont want to be a burden. i dont want to bother people. i hope when im like.. getting hel#and getting better i hope i can like idk not be afraid to ask people to vibe with me. maybe one day but im so scared amount i have been#and sorry tired of hearing same 'just do something distract yourself' yeah only so much a distraction is s distraction. i never felt this#low.. i never felt this low for months now. im so tired idk this week is busy maybe that will help. maybe decorating for my fav holiday wil#help my brain a little. than again why would she want me around. i think about how dad asked mom if i was okay on my birthday. is the facad#fading? are people catching on? i need to stop before i see my brother on friday. even my best friend noticed he hugged me but i didnt even#hug back i just leaned into him for awhile before moving away. i want to die. will i? no. i wont. im too scared. but i want to.#i can sleep now.#i think people should stop lying i hate liars i am not afraid to drop anyone that does.
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,,,
#im too tired to even word my thoughts right#i wish i knew how to connect with people..#i think i mightve upset a friend bc i pushed him away instead of talking abt how ive been doing but i cant keep bothering him#its not right#at this point just...#i dont think anyone should have to hear me out when im upset#its been more than proven that no one actually wants to deal with me being upset#i wish i werent so sad and scared all the time.. it makes it hard to reach out and actually talk about anything#and the thing is like... people want to be there and care to a point.. i never know where it is or how to avoid it and then its my fault#i have too much wrong im upset too often im paranoid im sensitive im crazy just.... idk#and just... i am doing the work#i work so hard everyday#and its still never enough#but no matter how much i improve myself and grow and change its never enough for anyone#how many emotions do i have to swallow to be loved?#just... so many people in my life have only ever wanted me if ive been happy and complacent and doting and stupid#and anything else was a flaw#im so tired
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ughf. maybe I should just stay at home until the new year by this point.
#venting again. sorry#like dont get me wrong i love my flatmates#but if I go back I'm just gonna spend 90% of the time in my room so I'm not bothering them bc I'm hard to be around rn#or more hard to be around than usual lmao. above the tolerance level.#also mentally vulnerable rn + I'm not going to be able to cope w any insecurity/shame etc w/out resorting to coping mechanisms#and while its not their fault being around them is a minefield for that bc we're not that close + I'm the weakest link in the chain per se#i cant make it a few hours without crying either + it would do me near irreparable damage if one of them saw that + reacted badly#not like im gonna get any comfort from any of them either way so! what would even be the point. best not to risk it innit#what r even the pros here. like yeah itd be nice to spend time w them but itd all be at their expense. tired of fucking shit up#i wish i wasnt so difficult like ik im not doing enough or trying enough for anyone but this is all i have to give for now so uhfjfnf#when things just take time but u dont have that kind of time to spare bc ur lonely + sick in the head + have stupid high demands NOW!!#at least my ex- *gunshot noise*#rant over. this is all silly + pessimistic anyway. its my fault for not trusting or communicating w ppl + having unachievable expectations#ill do better. when im less mentally ill first tho#bedtime i think#.vent
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physically feeling the jealousy invading my every senses
#trying to compensate for my loneliness with plants and collecting as many as i can#and yet im still not satisfied and im tired of going to sleep and waking constantly thinking about how i could die#and no one would notice which might not be true ik but it's still my biggest insecurity and im tired of crying alone#and not having anyone at all to comfort me#and it's actually hard to breathe and something has been sitting on my chest restricting it for so long and it's so lonely#and i genuinely might die from the pain some day soon#growing up like this so isolated from my peers god i feel so stupid i want friends is that really too much to ask#such a first world problem mayhaps which makes me feel even shittier bc it's the biggest thing that eats at me inside out these days#no one ever understands. ever. and they say they do but they dont because how could they they havent lived a day in my shoes#and it's all just so so lonely#idk whatever#it'll all pass soon#i cant talk to anyone#im always the one listening to what's happening around me and no one bothers listening bc why would they they cant relate#they're not interested#at this point i dont even know how to socialize and i try to but it doesnt work and no one cares enough to reach out to me#and one girl did but i didnt know how to reply or handle it and now she's gone too#and now my closest friend is my five year old sister how funny is that#my contact list is so so so damn long and yet none of those numbers and names would care#or they would ik that but it doesnt feel like they would remember#ignore this im just trying to cope#i thought i was okay i was seven months clean#not anymore#of course not#bc nothing is ever simple
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#i think like. the worst part of my mood lately#is that i feel so low that not only i have no energy or motivation but i just dont care#i cant keep working on this stupid code because i cant bring myself to care about it. i dont see the point. its useless#but i also know that i will go back to suddenly caring in like 3 hours and im going to have a horrible time :)#it would be easier if at least i stayed on a single mindset :)#but no lets go from absolutely miserable and hopeless but uncaring to hyper anxious mess that gets overwhelmed#maybe i need to touch more grass but now im also starting to get anxious about being outside too...yay.....#dont even get me started on actually talking to another person face to face#haunted.txt#had to go out today and even though it was fun i wanted to explode the second i was alone again#i cant stop overthinking everything everyone says or does...its so tiring#and it feels even more lonely in the end. being surrounded by too many people and feeling like an outsider or#seeing a single person and feeling like you are bothering them#not like i have seen anyone. i would have to go out or take breaks or even reach out for that aha. ahahaahaha#lets see how many more places i can quietly disappear from because i cant be bothered#its all too much and even though at first is a relief its like i need to cut out more and more communication little by little
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💭.
#i m so tired of being fat. lmao#like yea its '''my fault'' and whatever but#its so hard to just do anything about it#i hate that Exercise has to be its own thing instead of just already being part of something else i do#had to buy clothes for work today u see#and they fit but they looked awful. gross even#my mum was putting me on diets before i was 10 and now being fat feels like the worst thing ever#i feel like. worthless. feel like im disturbing ppl by leaving my house#like im sorry u have to perceive me i hate it too#and im constantly trying to have an Excuse ready#i feel loke im not allowed to be fat and if anyone mentions it i wanna have a Valid Reason#cant fucking sleep like. ugh i should be exercising instead !! or whatever#i feel so ugly and TRAPPED in my own body#i cant escape The Excess i cant take it off when its unbearable i cant hide it i cant ignore it#i dont even bother looking in the mirror anymore lmao#i already i know how i look no need to remind me thanks !#when i look in the mirror it gets rlly hard to make myself go out anymore#i see myself and its always worse than i expected and i just think Oh
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#diary#personal#im not exactly doing well lately. but i dont really want to bother anyone so i wont mention or complain#besides. i never quite know how to explain it besides im tired or its just a bit bad or im just stressed#ill always make an excuse or downplay it for the other party's benefit.#yknow im really struggling. and i dont know what to do...#i mean... i wish someone would help me. but i dont even know what i need#its like that jack stauber skit. i need help when someone says i do and dont when someone says i dont.#i... dont think im doing well at all. but i cant just say that to someone. bc they probably don't want to hear it.#others have lives too. and tbh. mine isnt that important to begin with
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