#i wish i wasnt so difficult like ik im not doing enough or trying enough for anyone but this is all i have to give for now so uhfjfnf

[phagodyke]

ughf. maybe I should just stay at home until the new year by this point.

[sugarpuptard]

If you're not mature enough to do research to vote

Why the hell do you have a fiancé

Like that's a far more adult thing then voting?

And yeah, if your fiancé is ok with a rapist and pedophile being one of the most powerful people in the world- get out of there

He clearly doesn't think those things are heinous. Which is profoundly concerning. Its pretty basic that people should find sexual violence heinous. Like that's a low bar that he can't clear

And yeah, he may be nice and polite to people, but he must not view people as equal etc. Otherwise he wouldn't vote for someone with racist sexist abliest etc policies. And who publicly talks about marginalised groups like that

A decent person is disgusted by what trump says. They don't vote for him

Girl get outta there. Get you head out of your ass and do not marry this man

where did i ever say i wasn't mature enough to vote? o-O all i said was i need to research more to get a better understanding of things since it all uses a lot of terms that i don't understand what it means on top of everything being so divided that ppl say all different things due to bias so like i said, i gotta research and learn more. it seems more mature to take ur time to figure stuff out instead of jumping to conclusions and being unsure yet still acting like u know what ur doing, doesn't it? theres a lot of sources to check and cross-check so that takes time, and i still gotta learn some of the term meanings and basic functionings, ik ur taught some of it in school im pretty sure but i wasnt able to attend enough to get all those details, which can make research more difficult. especially when everyone has their own bias you rlly gotta cross reference things to get whats going on more in ppls heads and the facts, im not gonna rush and jump to conclusions with stuff like that

how does me still learning things make me not mature enough to be engaged anyways? i am an adult, i can marry who i love. and assuming he believes all these things when that isnt true is weird. he doesn't even like everything about trump either nor holds the same ideals or agrees with everything he's done or wants to do. he doesn't support bad shit like that and does find those things heinous so i don't get why multiple people have to assume the worst & overall misinterpret my original post -3- i know my soon-to-be husband well, and i wont be breaking up with him just because some anon told me to.

literally all i was doing is journaling, not trying to argue or make people mad. but since people dont realize that i am just brain dumping and they cant just assume someone's complete stance and if they're harmful or not by two sentences i brought up passively as an example of him understanding the basic stuff better than me i guess, i end up having to keep repeating myself since i get like 7+ anons completely missing what i am saying even when im agreeing with them. i rlly dont get all the assuming things? ppl gotta treat each other better, the aggressiveness and hate and bad actions from both ends of the spectrum gives me a headache and makes me wish even more that none of it existed at all

[niteview]

misc movie thoughts :]

okay wanna say this first; the complete erasure of wonho was smth i knew abt beforehand (& was expecting anyway) and uh. that's never not gonna gut me. never not gonna sting. he did so much for the group i wish they could at the v least leave old clips & photos be..would they then need to actually credit him?? (also why didnt they use his real name in the song credits?? did they not use his real name for aal??)

this is on their management wish they couldve timed this better so we could get at least a little bit of shownu :')

seeing e s h y was bad enough but hearing him?? ALMOST day ruining i had just realized i never had the displeasure of hearing him speak til now. but hes the executive producer so 🥴 also 1000% thought he was american before this

smth i LOVED was how the stages were mixed. i don't think i mentioned this before but i RLLY loved the love killa stages last year bc they added mbbs fanchants & cheering it made watching those feel a lil more complete in a way? even if no one actually there. anyway they added cheers again & the stages were SO LOUD compared to the interviews like my ears were ringing after we left lol. felt like a concert in a way & rlly felt like we heard them live & that's the closest i've been so far. (or that i'll ever be 🥲)

speaking of enjoyed all the stages!!! ik it was difficult changing the choreo from 6 or 7 down to 5 but they pulled it off well!! gambler, secrets (ooak), the dreaming had to be my faves

you problem's not gonna sound better than how it did here for me lol the stage was def fun tho

cannot understate how much i loved!!! seeing them on the big screen

@ that friend of minhyuk's who said he should be a singer. thank u i owe u my life.

the recording scene was SO FUNNY. wont elaborate here but there were a lot of antics, a lot of laughs i was honestly trying not to lose it lmao

pulled the rug out from under me when they showed some of their ments from the we are here concert )))': i wasnt expecting to see that almost teared up seeing those again (esp kihyun's & changkyun's)

this is a me problem but it was so hard not to sing along at some parts LOL the ppl sitting near me were dancing a bit to stand up they played by my side in the credits & apparently me nd my sister said fuck it we sang along quietly 💀💀💀

i've been busy and/or bad at managing my time this is the most time i've spent watching smth mx related in a while idk i remember why i love them as much as i do? i love listening to them speak abt stuff, this reminded me of how much i LOVE seeing them preform, even just seeing them goof around lol. they are truly the first (and last! lmao) artist ive ever loved like this, and that i'll ever love like this ):

wish i could've written abt it while it was fresher in my mind but overall i enjoyed it, it was a bit surreal in a way i kept thinking 'am i rlly here rn?? im rlly seeing a mx movie??' lol would probably see it in theaters again if i could :') if only for those stages

[marsixm]

edit sorry this post is both long (if the readmore fails i am truly truly sorry) & longwinded im just reflecting and thinking; (another edit: u can probably just read the tl dr and get it)

anyway allow me to spin some very personally based theory here for a mo while i put off/warm my fingers up from the cold in preparation to email my therapist

so growing up i had, i think only, het ships, but i never quite had the ones you were (narratively speaking) “supposed to” have

in most media i recall when i was a kid, there were like, 2 diff structures of character romance plot arcs in media i consumed, there was the main lead and 2 best friends model, where thered be the star of the show who had outside romantic leads and the 2 best friends (who were always a boy and a girl) would have their secondary romance, OR there were ensemble shows where there was a more clear romance set up between the main boy and main girl, then side characters whod pair off in whatever ways ended up happening. in the first, see: hannah montana, the second, see: zoey 101. obv this isnt a hard rule and there were loads of exceptions but like, lets just say i tended not to care for the romances set up for the main girls in the trio models, or quite as hard for the main boy and girl in the ensembles, and in general if there was an obvious romance between two leads i either didnt care or outright hated it

basically i never liked the ships they set up for us in straight media, as a kid (namely, a girl) i liked being that “ew pink!” “i hate valentines day” sort of contrarian, but what i remember actually disliking was the predictability of it, because i clearly still shipped characters, so it wasnt /really/ that i hated romance, per se

looking back on it i think it was probably or at least to a degree more like that i hated the hetero expectation of it- i can nit pick down to more specific examples of why i disliked the main pairings (kataang, for example, i thought was weird bc katara acted like a mother/older sister figure to aang, and i didnt feel like there was romance between them at all except where it felt shoehorned in) - maybe it was also that i thought it made more sense for a main character to be with someone they clearly already spent a lot of time with and not some random new hot boy in town (i very distinctly remember shipping miley and oliver on hannah montana, and i believe that was the first time i ever read fanfiction @ age like... 11 lol) as is often the case w like these things.

theres another level to this though, which is that i notice i tended to ship characters who were more vaguely similar to each other, like, physically (ie, similar heights, or hair colors mainly) obviously this is funny now since my main pairing is johnlock which is such a physically different ship we can construct them from basic shapes and colors and theyre still recognizable as who they are, but i have some thoughts about this- but i think there might be two interesting things about this again in retrospect

first of all, this sounds silly ik, but shipping the vaguely similar ones as a child’s way of queering heterosexuality is an interesting concept and not that difficult, like, two boys are also vaguely similar to each other in a similar way a boy and a girl with the same hair color and height might be, which is something i thought of a while ago

the other way in which this is really interesting to me now, that i think might have been more actually pertinent to myself as a trans child, is that i think i shipped the characters i did in an attempt to morph the concept of boy and girl? to find the boy counterpart to every girl??? that second one makes more sense actually. anyway, i digress

2 start off i definitely had gender feelings starting from a very young age so i think these observations ring more true than just reflections, PERHAPS

so the first thing i remember shipping, ie wanting them to be together, thinking about it an inordinate amount of time outside watching the films, even imagining them eating ice cream together in their pjs (i was NINE DHFJGghfkg) was jack sparrow & elizabeth swan from potc (basically my franchise of choice as a kid bc i never read harry potter) now this doesnt quite fit the “visually similar” thing bc actually orlando bloom looks more like kiera knightly and is prob due to them like making out in one movie, but i think this works for the “shipping as gender expression” theory, because elizabeth swan dressed up as a boy, spent most of that movie wearing boy’s clothes, etc- meanwhile jack was a wacky pirate which like hello duh i’d want to be. so i wonder if beyond the fact that they kissed and flirted, there was something to this concept of me wanting two characters to be together, meant i wanted to marry together two conceptual things happening with two characters, or absorb the cool dude and the boyish girl characters into each other to make one whole archetype for myself? i likewise shipped aang and toph (toph who, normally doesnt really have anyone to be shipped with, since she likes sokka but he has a gf) who we all know is the VERY boyish girl character, so boyish im p sure her actually being a trans dude later in life is a p decently accepted headcanon (i dont actually delve into aatla fandom though so i can only hope) 

another thing about this ship thing, is most of my ships had brown hair (like miley and oliver), just like i always have, and in certain cases the girl character would look a LOT like me (i also shipped logan and quinn on zoey 101, which to my surprise n delight actually came true later (although looking back im like... 11 yr old me is glad they made out a lot but adult me is like uhhh why were the kids on this show making out a lot? anyway thats another issue) and i def was a weirdo girl with glasses and long brown wavy hair) which sort of further fuels my feeling that this was an attempt by my brain to do 1 of 2 things, if my own involvement really was a greater motivating factor in this thing, 1. ship MYSELF with a boy (which is like def possible for my gay kinnie ass, but not quite my thesis here) or 2. morph these boy and girl counterparts by imagining them together, seeing them together, etc

for example, i realize now, when i was a kid i drew an avatar sona for myself and said sona looked an awful lot like how id imagine a katara/zuko fusion would be, and the fact that i shipped zutara (very hard lol) was what lead me down this thought path rn

i feel like even to me this concept sounds weird and far fetched but like, gem fusion made enough sense for someone to write with its clearly, usually, romantic implications and we all “get” that, so whom knows???

another thing ive noticed while writing this is for a good few of these ships you can argue the boys in them can be read gay, like jack sparrow and zuko and aang, which feels even more strongly like me trying to marry my gay boy feelings to my tomboy realities [thinking emoji]

the biggest reason i think this makes sense to me is because when i was 10 i became obsessed with the idea that this boy i was friends with and i were secretly twins separated at birth, like i was so into the concept that we looked alike, i like hoped and wished so hard for it to be true, i wished a christmas miracle would happen for fucking real and a magic door in my house would open and be his new room and itd all work out perfectly! and you might think this was a manifestation of my difficulties with my family and wishing to leave it, but in my dream world my parents were still my parents and he came to live with us- which makes me think the obsession of ME looking like this BOY was a manifestation of my gender feelings, which i think can maybe be traced to this concept of pairing a visually similar, possibly gay, brunette boy to every brunette and/or tomboyish girl

anyway. if you actually read all of this id love it if you lmk somehow (doesnt need to be a like) like this is clearly very long and strange but i hope it makes sense. i think i stop myself a lot from ever commenting on gender or theory or whatever but i am a living breathing trans person who has experienced things and i have opinions and i dont think im claiming anything destructive with this lol i think its not unusual to reflect on the way you interacted with the world as a gay/trans kid

also im obviously not saying that shipping straight things is somehow inherently queer, im not trying to retroactively claim something about straight ships, like, those two characters are still functionally straight, and i definitely also shipped probably all of them for normal shipping reasons (although, kid ones, so less “oh theres a lot of ACTUAL romantic subtext between these two” but rather “oh theyre friends and would be cute together!” (or like they kissed and i was like O: )) but im just trying to theorize about something its possible my tiny trans brain was trying to express- and who knows maybe im not the only one!

anyway i guess the TL;DR is: when i was a kid i had a lot of “unconventional” straight ships- i already observed that i eschewed the main canon pairings in kids media in what was probably my tiny baby brains rejection of hetero culture, but i also actively shipped side characters who looked like me, and also looked like each other (ie, both tall and brunette, a boy and girl counterpart of Each Other) OR characters who seemed to be a gayish boy and a tomboyish girl, and im theorizing that maybe the reason that was was my tiny trans brain wanting to gem fusion those two together because of my Gender Feelings and fuse the boy with the girl and this desire manifested in shipping therefore thinking about a lot these pairings of boy and girl counterparts

[gayspock]

dont rb/rply

 generally speakin. its not THAT serious & i know that.... LIKE, there’s no deep issue: it’s just my sleep & that’s what causes it every time. but nonetheless. a little freaked out since yesterday. its been those moments, of, like, unreality-unreality u kno wht i mean.... like i do usually have some pretty severe issues with, like, spacin out & disconnect or hwatever. and its normal for me to not remember wht i did in a day but god man. differences bc im gettin those OTHER types of moments rn, that i havent had for a while-while, where its like.... idk wht u even clal it. delusions feel wrong and idk if its appropriate to Call it tht but its like...

yesterday i had that brief moment where i entirely whited out wht the fuck happened & i think i was sayin sth but i cant connect with wht it was. not just in a omg i wasnt paying attention/forgot it was like .. more thn tht but idk how to say it right. and then later on ive been havin those moments and i never kno how to describe them... where im literally Fine, but at the time im not  and i genuinely Believe im in a totally other situation. u kno wht i mean.  its always too abstract to properly explan said moments like... literally the only one instance tht was ever, like, NOT-abstract and easy to explain was like: that one time i was convinced that a) i was not in my bedroom despite being there and that b) there was a bomb going off and bothof those were unshakeable beliefs . that was a few years ago, now, but its like... like its LIKE that  but its always . like i said. too abstract to be like “this is wht i was thinking at the time!” its always a more incongruous sense of terror abt sth tht doesnt make sense & im OUT of it for an hour sometimes and idk. like i said it doesnt happen so much any more but ive been havin Moments since yesterday.... &ik its generally just a sleep issue like its always always a problem when im buggering around with my sleep but fuck man i hate it . i hate it so much

like gd i need to calm down & pull myself together bc i have this exam comin up but i cant focus or relax enough to study for it and im so scared of failing it so badly. im just so tired. i wish i could just handle myself for once but it just feels so fucking difficult just pulling myself together and, like, functioning esp when shite like this happens . i cant feed myself properly or sleep properly or fuckn exist and i feel so damn put out  bc like.. im already stupid as Bricks  u kno. like i dont know if i have a chance at even managing anything without all this but its just so... much to just bother , just to get to, like... be able to get to even try & idk. man it just isnt worth it im Sad

[gunsfrhands]

here are things about me that nobody wanted to know, but i wanted to answer

1. What is your name? ELLEN 2. How old are you? 20 3. Are you sure? ??? /?? ? ? ? ?? 4. What is your earliest memory? something that is pink 5. What is your favorite alcoholic drink? i don’t drink, gurl!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. What is your favorite vegetable? the humble potato 7. Do you remember your first day at school? ya 8. What is the worst exam result you remember ever getting? 50% for both year 12 maths methods exams lolol 9. How tall are you? 5'5  10. Can you swim? splish splash! yep! 11. Who is your favorite movie actress? i really don’t care 12. Who is your favorite movie actor? ibid.  13. Who is your favorite comedian? bo burnham ? idk

14. Who is your favorite politician? hmm i disagree a lot with this q. i agree with a lot of politicians and i think some are cool and interesting people, but having a “favourite politician” would be putting them on a pedestal?? and like when u do that it makes it harder to disagree with them when they have a BAD opinion on some issues. i don’t think that’s good. i think we need to always be critical of politicians no matter how groovy some seem. 

15. Who is your favorite historical figure (been dead for at least 100 years)? Louis XVI ! :O :O Tsar Nicholas II (even tho he’s only been dead for 99 years), Charlotte Corday!, Woodrow Wilson (BTW by “favourite” i’ve interpreted that as mOST inTeresting, i don’t necessarily think these historical figures were good people loL especially wilson ahhhh i just think his contribution in beginning wwii was super interesting, especially how wilsonian principles like self-determination influenced different nations, i think he wasnt a super great dude tho lol) hmmm, some more probs but i cannot recall at this time. 

16. Who is your favorite super-heroine?jessica jones ?? idk & idc 17. Who is your favorite super-hero? idc at all lol 18. Can you name a female scientist other than Madame Curie? yes lol omg ?????? jane goodall, marie pasteur, rosalind franklin ?? (even tho marie curie is my fav tho <3 ) i feel like if people don’t know about female scientists they NEED to do independent research bc they really don’t teach much at school !!!!!!! and the contributions of women throughout history are so important obvs. 19. Who is your favorite mythological god or goddess? ooooooo tricky tricky !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! athena is cool but idk if fave ??? i just like mythology itself and not specific gods in particular reallyyyyy

i deleted questions 20- 30 bc they were so weird lol 

31. What is the worst movie you have ever seen? omg last night i watched spy kids 4 , and it’s so bad that it’s past the point of being so bad that it’s funny (such as the room and birdemic, u feel?) this was just bad bad.  32. What is the worst TV show you have ever seen? i do not watch tv shows that are bad lolol 33. What is the worst book you have ever read? idk New moon mayB 34. What is the worst song you have ever heard? idc 35. What is the worst sport you know of? what do u mean by worst tho lol idk i dont have interest in many sports so idc enough for this q 36. Who is the worst movie "star" ever? i really don’t care about celebrity culture 37. Who is the worst comedian ever? idk, u feel ? it’s like... i have never witnessed ever comedian EveR so idk who is the worst, i feel like i would need to do extensive research to answer this.  38. Who is the worst author ever? there are plenty of bAD authors. i feel like i wanna say zoella lol. but ultimately, see above Q.  39. Who is the worst musical act ever? IDC 40. Who is the worst sports "star" you have ever seen? i dont understand so GOodbYE 41. If you could go back in time to witness an historical event in person, what event would you want to see? signing of treaty of versailles ??!?!?! i would say russian rev but that could be dANGERous ://////// 42. If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go? my bed, goodnight! 43. If you could meet anyone in the world, who would you meet? idc bc i feel like i could say a few different bands but ultimately, they don’t know who i am and they don’t care. meeting them would make me feel like OMG for a few mins, and then that would be it. i would think it was fun, they would forget me after 1 day and again, this weird kind of idolisation... i don’t think it’s healthy. people are just people. sO if i could meet anyone in the world, i would want to meet someone who is nice and who would ultimately become a nice and close friend for me! 44. If you could become famous for one thing, what would that thing be? bEING IN A BAND PLz 45. If you could buy anything regardless of cost, what would you buy? like how with genies you use ur last wish for infinite wishes, so like i would buy infinite money and i would get trapped in some kind of capitalist money loop where i am spending infinite money to buy infinite money. i think that would be cool  46. If you could change any one thing about your country, what would it be? ONE thing ?????? i live in australia, i would remove politicians like pauline hanson, dutton, joyce, morrison, abbott, frydenberg lol they would all just disappear from the public eye forEvER. OR even better i would LET REFUGEES SETTLE HERE , if u dont know , australia is literally THE WORST pls read up and learn about how inhumanely refugees who try to come to australia are treated. it’s awful http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-06-14/manus-island-why-are-asylum-seekers-suing-the-commonwealth/8610482

47. If you could change any one thing about international politics, what would it be? really. REALLY. I feel like this is so obvious that im not even going to say anything. thanks ok 48. If you could meet any famous person who is dead, who would it be? idc  49. If you could become dictator of the world, would you? a benevolent dictator sURE but UMMMMMM as much as i think i am cool and right about everything, i would for sure become corrupt, so no thanks.  50. If you could eat an entire cow at one sitting, would you? no thanks! 51. Have you ever illegally downloaded music/TV shows/movies from the net? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT LIMEWIRE IS I SWEAR 52. Have you ever used illegal narcotics? no 53. Have you ever gotten any points on your driving license? i’ve only done 8 houRS on my L plates lol so NO 54. Have you ever stolen anything from a shop? nop 55. Have you ever bought alcohol or cigarettes while underage? nop 56. Have you ever bought alcohol or cigarettes for another person who was underage? nop

57. Have you ever tried to cheat the taxman/social security/other government agency? i don’t have any money lol idek how to pay taxes hehe

58. Have you ever ridden on a train or bus without paying? perhaps 59. Have you ever been arrested? nooono 60. Have you ever been charged with a crime ... ? nononoo 61. What's the furthest you've ever been from home? euROPE but idk which country in europe that i visited would be geographically furthest from australia... UK probs?? 62. Where have you visited that you would like to go back to? EVERYwhere in europeeee 63. Where would you like to visit that you haven't yet? stonehenge!  64. Where is your favorite place in the world? my bed, goodnight! 65. Where have you visited that you hope never to go to again? greece, i went in summer summer and air was hard to breathe and hot idk museums were cool but not again soz greece xoxo 66. Where would you definitely never go to? idk a bunch of places lol 67. Where is your least favorite place in the world? how would i know! hMM! 68. What is your favorite way to travel  ? my own two feet i really don’t like any other kinds of transport bc i am scared of trusting other people to transport me 69. What is your least favorite way to travel? boat maybe lollol 70. deleted bc idgi 71. What was the last movie you saw? spy kids 4 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!L O L 72. Was it any good? i answered this above ahhhehhhaehehaeo 73. What was the last book you read? a storm of swords 74. Was it any good? ya i guess 75. What was the last song you listened to? HUMDRUM BLUES BY THE GROWLERS 76. Was it any good? YESYESYSES! 77. What was the last computer game you played? Dolphin Olympics!!!!!! 78. Did you do well? Yes 79. What was the last meal you ate? gnocchi 80. Was it any good? nah

81. Do you believe in God/Goddess/Gods/Goddesses? nah 82. Do you agree with the war in Iraq? nah 83. Do you believe in aliens? liKE.... does it really matter what i think???? what ever i think doesn’t change the reality. but YA 84. Do you agree with the theory of evolution? OfC

85. Do you believe in reincarnation? ?? nA h ??? 86. Do you agree with the idea of the UN? United Nations (UN)? ya i guese ? ??  87. Do you believe in karma? meh 88. Do you agree with the theories of man-induced global warming? IT AIN”T JUST THEORIES GURL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAs

89. Do you believe in democracy above all other systems of government? hmmm ya  90. Do you agree with Freddie Mercury when he sings "Fat-bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round"?  w hh at a 91. What is your favorite movie?  SCHOOL OF ROCK. SCHOOL OF ROCK. SCHOOL OF ROCK. SCHOOL OF ROCK. 92. What is your favorite book? Animal Farm (ik im a cliche shh) 93. What is your favorite song? difficult question bc having favourite things is a bit weird imOP! buTTtttttt i will say rn it is proBS Tell it how it is, by the growlers, but that is just my fav like for this week, it will change soon lolol 94. What is your favorite city?  where i live ? lol idk 95. What is your favorite sport? NETBALL 96. What is your favorite place in the world? IDK and IDC!!!!!!!!!! 97. Are you glad these questions are almost over? I LOVE ANSWERING QS but all of these ones were pretty weak so yes 98. What are you going to do next? sleep 99. Do you anticipate this activity being fun? yesyeysyeyses 100. Give us a quote to end on...”i’ll kidnap a thousand children before i let this company die” - Mr Waternoose.