#but ive been in an abusive relationship. i have religious trauma. i have trauma from when i was a child that gave me ptsd.

[lilac-melody]

😶‍🌫️hm.

[nocreativityfornames]

Hello! Um, I don't know how welcome you are to asks but I kinda wanted to bring up this little headcanon I have of Michael that you may or may not find interesting? Iv posted about it somewhere on my blog, but to summarize it, here

Consider the potential of a Teenage Michael!

Hear me out! I just think there is a lot of potential, not only angst wise but also narrative wise.

I just love the idea of the head angel of the celetial relm being this scrawny teenage boy with issues.

Not only is he a teenager with the responsibility of being the mature older brother to the other angels, therefore, having to step up more in the absence of lucifer, but also having a lowkey abusive father who burdens him with religious trauma.

And I just loove the trope where it's like:

The younger siblings stays behind with abusive parents left to take care of the rest of their family because their older sibling left to live a healthier life. And resentment builds because they think their older sibling abomdoned them.

Also considering how I don't think the devs will make him a villian, I think it would make Michael look way more sympathetic if he was on the younger side.

Is this accurate to what the game has established Michael to be? Not really but they've retconned things before. Not that I'd ever think they'd go along with a concept like this.

Anyways I'm writing this at like 11pm so exuse the spelling errors, I'm so tired 🥲.

Ps. I really like your content :D

I actually REALLY like that, and the angst oh boy :")

I mean, looking back to NB S1 (spoilers!!!) with this in mind makes everything so much sadder. Like how he disguised himself as Raphael just to visit the others in the Devildom because he missed them and didn't know how to interact with them as himself. And also him giving Lucifer that ultimatum to either come back or make the Devildom an enemy of the Celestial Realm as a last attempt to bring his older brother and brothers back (even though deep down he knew they'd refuse) because he was struggling to step up and handle things on his own after he left, especially since the trauma of the war was still fresh for everyone (including himself) and he had to look after the traumatized part of the family that stayed, like you said.

Which is... heartbreaking.

Funny thing though: I always thought Michael to be the oldest one (or them being twins) and your ask made me start thinking about how that would play out in this scenario with the og game stuff in mind.

So like, the older sibling carrying resentment while also being happy for the youngest because they got tired of the abuse and had the courage to stand up to their parent and leave to have a happier life when he couldn't because he still feels tied to that parent and that it's his responsibility and duty to stay with them no matter what (think of Dean and Sam from SPN, who have this exact dynamic and a very complicated relationship with their father).

And then there's the whole thing about Michael being the one to cast out Lucifer and his brothers from the Celestial Realm, which only adds to this. It's like: the younger brother stood up to his father and was met with rage, so the oldest stepped up and to avoid something even worse from happening kicked him out of the house himself.

(@luckykittysshowerthoughts has an amazing post about this that has never left my mind ever since I read it and I recommend everyone reading it)

So we fast-forward to years and years later where the oldest is still living with their parents looking after the siblings who didn't leave while missing his younger brother, worrying for him, and wanting to know how he's doing. So he tries his best to stay in contact and know what's happening but since their relationship has been strained ever since what happened (because from the youngest's POV his older brother betrayed him by not taking his side and kicking him out of the house, which I think was how Lucifer felt for a long time before he saw the bigger picture as he got older) the youngest rejects his attempts at trying to contact him and the oldest's only way to know how he's doing is by sending his other siblings to check up on him or contact the people close to him.

Does he do it to the point where it gets annoying? Yes. Is his constant need to know how his brother is doing making said brother feel even more frustrated with him and only driving him further away? Yes. Would it have been better if he had left the brother alone and waited for him to reach out on his own? Yes. But he can't find it in himself to do that because he'd worry too much and miss him even more.

Tbh, I can see both of these scenarios being true together. So younger Michael right after the fall is still bitter and doesn't want to admit that he misses Lucifer and his brothers (he didn't seem to like to hear that Luke thought he missed them when talking to him as Raphael) and later accepting that and leaving a lot of that resentment behind to just be happy for them and miss them, wanting to know how they're doing often, etc.

So I definitely don't see him as evil either, but more of a broken younger/older sibling who wants to reconnect with his family and whose intentions are good but don't translate very well in his method of doing things.

Sorry for going on my own rambling here, lol

And I'm more than fine with asks, I love discussing stuff about the game and the characters <3

[desdecourse]

breaking down the "Debunking Sysmeds" carrd (just for kicks 😍) part 1!!

was sent this carrd by a friend and it's been a while since i've interacted with endo logic so here we go! <3 let's break it down section by section because whew girlie is chock full of bonkers misinformation! henceforth, i will be referring to the person who made the carrd as the "creator" and using they/them pronouns, as i do not know their pronouns (please let me know if anyone does!).

----------

THE "CLAIMS AND REBUTTALS"

if y'all don't stop using 20 different fallacies in your arguments... it'll be all over for you... seriously!

----------

the first point the creator tries to rebuff is the argument of "DID/OSDD-1 is a trauma disorder." starting off strong, i see! their response is essentially that nowhere in the diagnostic criteria within the DSM-V or ICD-11 does it say that DID/OSDD requires trauma. immediately going to stop you there - it may be to the creator's benefit to read any other page of the DSM. the third sentence on the intro page for trauma-related disorders is:

"Placement of this chapter reflects the close relationship between these diagnoses and disorders in the surrounding chapters on anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive and related disorders, and dissociative disorders"

additionally, had the creator read the ENTIRE DID entry, not just the diagnostic criteria, they would have found this lovely quote, found in the "development and course" section of the DID entry:

Dissociative identity disorder is associated with overwhelming experiences, traumatic events, and/or abuse occurring in childhood.

within this section, the creator also discusses an article written by allen j frances, the person responsible for the changing of MPD to DID, in which he discusses the abundance of false diagnoses of DID following the recognition of it as a disorder after the release of the DSM-IV in 1994. firstly, the creator of the carrd incorrectly stipulates that frances renamed MPD to DID in the DSM-V. secondly, the creator uses frances' criticism of increased DID diagnoses to demonstrate that the diagnostic criteria isn't to be trusted.

what.

so, to reiterate, we should trust the DSM-V when it doesn't emphasize trauma in the diagnoses (false), but we also shouldn't trust the DSM-V because of an article written by someone who had nothing to do with the DSM-V?

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the second point the creator decides to rebut is "Science says Endogenic systems don't exist." now, much of this argument is rooted in a few "studies" the creator has linked, which i will analyze more in a separate section reserved specifically for source analysis. but! one really interesting part of this section is the comparison between endogenics (an internet community and internet term) to "marginalized religions such as Shamanism" which is a direct quote.

something i really need endos on the internet to understand is that you can't compare your just-realized "system" of non-traumatic origins to the spiritual practices of highly religious individuals who have been practicing their religions for decades, engaging in extreme asceticism, and doing really intense internal reflection. and you especially shouldn't throw in words like "marginalized" to your argument. at what point does that become cultural appropriation?

i also find it soooo interesting that the creator refers to the otherkin and alterhuman communities as something that has "existed long before the term DID/MPD/OSDD-1/DDNOS." the first recorded use of "otherkin" was in 1990 in a newsletter from an elf club in kentucky, and it has been predominantly an online community. the concept of DID (MPD at the time) first appeared in the DSM-III in the 1970s.

the creator also refers to endogenic systems as something people "believe" in, which is... questionable in it's own right. it is interesting that they brought this point up in the section in which they are trying to combat the idea that science does not back up endogenic systems, as religious beliefs (with no proof, something that people simply "believe" in) and science (which is backed up by decades of research) aren't exactly comparable.

----------

the third point rebutted is the statement "You're not a system, you're schizophrenic/psychotic." honestly, not a big issue with this one. i've never heard anyone say this personally, but i can totally see it happening, and it definitely shouldn't be done. no one can really tell you what you're experiencing, so i take no issue with the creator on this one! i don't think this at all supports the existence endogenics, though.

----------------

i don't want to make this too long, so i'm going to write out the remainder of the points on a part 2!

[sllhouettedreams]

A LOT of people can relate to crowley because his doubt in God manifested as rebellion and apostasy. Ive not talked to a high number of good omens fans but i can't imagine a lot of devout christians are a hardcore fans of it (or neil gaiman in general lbr). Crowley is immediately relatable bc his religious trauma is made of the same stuff as most fans.

But aziraphale shows the other side to Doubt and that's just incessant faith. He believes in God's Plan even when he doubts it. Even when it hurts innocent people because he believes that god will do good.

As for the heaven and archangel side of things like..I think a lot of people blame aziraphale for the end of s2 without realizing that... both crowley and aziraphales relationship with heaven mirrors that of an abusive parent/family.

I mean we all saw gabriel tell (who he thought was) aziraphale to shut up and die. This was ONE instance we were able to see of Aziraphale being given punishment. He mentions in Paris about heaven admonishing him for 'frivolous miracles' when crowley asks him why he didnt just leave the prison himself. Like. there are so many jokes about 'paperwork' for being discorporated and well. Theres something to be said for aziraphale being more willing to deal with the aftermath of being beheaded and needing a new body than to unlock his cuffs and save himself and risk upstairs citing him again.

Then there was the whole gabriel bringing sandalphon to the bookshop and using interrogation tactics on him (blocking the exit, putting sandalphon at his back, etc). The angels are so quietly malicious- "there are no back channels, michael"- right before michael phones a demon in hell. Like!! They might be inept when it comes to humanity but they hide their cruelty so well.

Like. I dont really have the words to make this all convincing and proper or whatever and im sure someones said it before and better with more examples but like

If you think of both of them as a victim of abuse, it puts it all into perspective doesnt it? The effects of abuse are so different for everyone especially when its abuse from family. Aziraphale has only ever wanted to appease heaven and do good by them that when given the chance to do the most good he jumped right on it. Heaven has sunk its claws deep into aziraphale to use as a tool. And aziraphale doesnt even realize! Bc if he werent "doing good" then he'd have been cast out like crowley had been, right?!

And Crowley was completely cut off from heaven for asking a few questions! He remembers what heaven was like and thinks there are a number of similarities between the two. Hes been utterly convinced of his wickedness. He will not ever return not even with the promise of forgiveness. He HAS seen that heaven is "toxic" because of the absurd reason he was cast out in the first place. He was a starmaker who asked questions!! And god was what. Annoyed at being challenged?

Crowley got out because he was cast out, aziraphale hasnt been granted that luxury and wont take those steps bc who knows if the punishment will be a simple Fall or annihilation or outer darkness there doesnt seem to be any set standard. And also aziraphale still loves god and doing good and to fall would mean to be cut off from all of that to have to go to hell and do the exact opposite. If he can just change things, if he could get the other archangels to see,

Well he hasnt quite discovered that heaven works exactly how its intended to and would need to be torn down before it can be rebuilt into something like aziraphale wishes it to be

Idk i get why its easy to blame aziraphale but. Idk ive been where hes at. Like. Not specifically and angel trying to rewrite heaven but. As a child of religious parents who were also terribly abusive people. I think its unfair that people are saying he should grovel and is wrong and whatever. I dont think crowley would even want that....

Idk im just thinking v hard about good omens its taking over my life. This is probably incomprehensible im just. SAD bc i love both aziraphale and crowley and for aziraphale to be given so much shit when it isnt entirely on him just makes me emotional ok 😔

[magnoliamyrrh]

What drove you to convert to islam?

well, thats a long story now

i was born and raised orthodox - ive always had a complicated relationship with religion, because on the one hand there is a lot of beauty, peace, and wisdom i found in it, on the other hand theres plenty of shit that either just didnt make sense to me, theologically speaking, and also a bunch of mostly sexist shit which really pissed off me since i was a kid. i do have a lot of religious trauma - mostly from my fathers side of the family who is much more orthodox, conservative, traditional, and who very much shoved religion (and a bunch of sexist shit) down my throath, got the idea of being inherently sinful in my head as a kid, whole bunch of shit. my father is also.... psychotic and he is what we call a habotnic, a religious extremist who, well, has bordderrrline essentially more or less joined a cult-like section of the orthodox church made up mostly of men whod been kicked out of the church (many who also happen to be pedos lmao rip) and i grew up with religion being used to justify a whole bunch of horrible shit - shit he did to me, how he treats and abuses his wife, etc

so, when i got older, 11-12 ish, i very much had a backlash against it. nevermind being an atheist, nevermind an edgy atheist faze, i outright hated it and found it to be wholly dangerous. and i did indeed have valid complaints mostly abt sexism, homophobia, hypocrisy, etc. at the same time, i had a fascination with dissecting religion and trying to understand it and studying it, something i had even before then. this went on for some years, and i continued to have an interest in theology; eventually, when i was idk 14ish, i started to have some softer and more malluable views on religion and orthodoxy - also coincided w understanding that religion wasnt what made my father an insane piece of shit, it was simply a tool he used to justify things and a path he went down on - but he could have gone insane down whatever other line

so, for a time i tried to get back into orthodoxy. this was partially from a spiritual perspective, but tbh moreso bc i was trying to keep onto something which reminded me of home in this damn empty and cold country. this is when i started to veil too, before i had anything at all to do w islam, i started praying, i started keeping onto certain traditions more. also when i got into traditional romanian magic moreso. still, i may have been trying to take the best of orthodoxy, but i felt like it never really... fit. there is a lot of beauty i still find in it to this day, and occasionally i still go to a monestary or church, i still hold onto certain traditions but no matter how hard i tried i never quite... felt it? .... and either way, after you have gone through a certain amount of horror in life, it tends to get harder to believe in things like the divinity of everything or that theres any possible sense at all to all the horrid cruelty on this planet etc etc.... i do still struggle w this to this day lol. but. also, i knew christianity so well, had already turned it on every which side, i found that even if i tried, i still had a long series of theological issues with it (many of which i dont remember after all these years, but i do remember that the trinity was one of them)

anyhow, i did keep trying for awhile. and in this whole process, i kept coming across things abt islam. this was also the years when islam was always in the news, usually in a negative light or something abt terrorism, so, it was quite frequently part of mainstream discussions. and i was curious, bc of that, bc i was curious abt theology in general, and bc partially growing up in dobrogea, i knew a very gentle and soft, beautiful islam which was the one of the turks and tatars, who were our neighbors w good food and good music and gentle, soft spoken voices like honey who were always nice to me. and i knew of islam from story books and such, one of my favourite childhood books to this day is a beautifully drawn romanian version of one thousand and one nights. so, idk, i kept coming across things, and i was curious so i looked into it

and... hm. i dont remember quite what first got me. but i did find it interesting, and i found that it solved some of the theological issues and gaps that i had with christianity, answered quesions to which the orthodox seemed to have no answer, made things click into place here and there, annuled some of the illogical loops and hypocricy which bothered me.. i found the analysis and discussion around it fascinating, so much more lively than ones i had seen in orthodoxy. i found the way hadith and quran functioned together to be fascinating, and the entire system behind it - even if today i hold different views of hadith.... i found sharia to be fascinating - and how things would fit into place and work together, shifting parts of a whole legal system and way of life intertwined. sharia always carries such a scary connotation to so many people, and yet, i dont think its a system bound neither to failure neither to opression - the question here is moreso whose sharia interpreted by who and implemented by who. i didnt have any plan to convert to it lol, and yet, it intrigued me enough that i felt a drive to keep digging and digging into it, to keep turning over in my head this and that about it, like some string or force was pulling me

most of all i think i found the qur'an itself to be.. captivating, once curiousity got to me and i started reading it. like sharia, it clearly had to be understood as a whole, and reading it for the first time and seeings its progression and how it builds upon itself was an experience in and of itself. i genuinely enjoyed spending hours reading and listening abt what this means what that meant etc. and it is so direct and personal, moreso than many other religious texts. i did find many parts of it stricking, moving, piercing. its prose and flow are beautiful. it feels alive, as if it is speaking to you, looking back into your eyes and right through your soul. i fell in love with it. and yet, it also feels like this capsule in time - while i no longer hold the commonly held idea that the qur'an is unchanged and there is only one, it can be said that as far as studies can tell from the oldest quranic manuscripts found, it is indeed remarkably well preserved - as if reading the pages you can hear and see them echo throughout time, back to when the words were first spoken..... quran recitation is very beatiful too, and i found there to be something... very meditative, tranquil, calm, soothing in it. something else that felt like it echoed through time. it also reminded me of the way orthodox priests give sermons, which i always found very beautiful and entrancing as well

i appreciated its call for reason, that i do remember particularly drew me in. that it would repetedly, repetedly call for one to question and think and it would give examples of the existence of divinity and explanations and even ask one to try to disprove things- it felt less like blind faith, more like this book was holding an active dialogue with you, and i really liked that. many of them are so beatiful too, many of them call upon nature and its wonders, and i supoose, even when my belief in a god was on very shaky ground, in nature i always saw divinity anyhow. i did find it interesting too how many of the verses did show an understanding of natural phenomenon, could be interpreted in a way which was less science-breaking than the bible, and called upon these phenomenon as signs of divinity.... and i appreciated its call to justice as well, its striving for a just system, society, and way of life. i appreciated its call to struggle for the sake of allah - jihad, which doesnt only mean wartime fighting (which is supoosed to be a very last resort).... its call for the end of opression, and the responsability of each person to do something about ending said opression and injustice

i found its understanding of god to be beautiful, and to make sense - my understanding of this developed more later when i came across sufism, and when i started doing shrooms too lol, but. i always felt the heart of it. which is the oneness of god, pure monotheism; because god is one, and god is indeed all that exists; indeed, everything is one. this is the same thing psychedelics teach you - ego death as its often called - and what many religious rituals of plenty of religions around this world seek to understand, achieve, feel, live by. it could be said that since there are high chances human conciousness developed along w psychedelic use, and since our african ancestors certainly did psychedelics, we are indeed genetially and biologically programmed as a part of our evolution and history to experience and understand ego death - to see and feel and become the connection and thread which runs through everything, the oneness of everything, the singularity of everything, unbound by time. this is what islam seeks as well.... hm. i liked that islam understood allah, unlike in christianity in which god is reffered to almost exclusively as a father sort of figure, to be not like any other thing, and most certainly not male. unbound, unconstrained, never fully knowable to us as humans..the 99 names of allah are beatiful, and i was drawn in by how many times the qur'an proclaimed allah to be all merciful, all forgiving, all loving, etc

.... there was something about it all, the more i looked into it, which brought me a sense of peace, calmness, ease... i found the way of life it promoted to be one of peace - i liked that you were supposed to pray five times a day, i liked that there were certain ways of doing things, i liked that muslims lived like the older romanian people did, always mentioning the name of allah and always aware of divinity. the idea of freedom not being getting to do whatever you may please, but rather living by a series of constraints, to make much sense - and i was drawn to it a lot more than this modern western do what you want individual freedom reigns supreme mindset... i liked that sharia was concerned with the common good and community before it was concerned with the individual.. i liked that islam promoted a middle path, i liked that it called for moderation and reason (things which my father never had), and showed a way of life which was almost monk-like, without leading to monastic seclusion.... i had always wanted to be a nun, you see, and parts of islam drew me in because of that. there were certainly many muslims, mainly sisters, who impressed me in their faith and way of life, the energy and aura that would clearly radiate off of them - women who lead by example, and by only doing so, would make one curious as to how they have come to be this way

i had an interest in other religions as well. i knew some of my ancestors were jewish, and yet judaism is a hard religion to convert to, and harder to be accepted into - and while i have read the old testament several times, i never quite felt a strong connection to it. i was fond of other christian denominations like the quakers for example, i found some of the theological points of protestants to be intriguing, but i still had many of the same issues with it. i find hinduism, buddhism, and sikhism to be beautiful religions with much wisdom - and to an extent being fond of certain kinds of sufism is to adopt a hindu or south east asian influence or to reach similar understandings at least; they are sister religions - but while i look into them, they never really felt like something id follow; not on their own

islam brought me a sense of home, it all did. so much of it simply made sense to me and clicked into place, it felt like learning something i had already known, discovering something that had always been within myself - i supoose, this is why we use the word revert rather than covert, because it feels more like coming back into the fold of islam..... and hm. both arab and turkish cultures felt... very much like home to me, never like something foreign. they made sense, i instantly understood them, both the good and bad parts - so many things were so similar to our own, and to me, they felt, and still do feel, like a second home. later after some years of converting when id go to masjids and eid and such, i again very much found that among the arabs i felt so much more at home than i ever did among the americans. and islam itself, there are many things which i saw which were so similar to orthodoxy, and this brought me a sense of comfort and home as well. and i always associated islam too with the turks and tatars in dobrogea, and so, islam never felt like a foreign thing to me - as converting to another religion may have - rather the religion and culture of our neighbors whom we had so much in common with

.... it just.. it really felt like there was some force pulling me, i had a unending thirst and drive to understand more. id get lost in spending hours reading the quran, id get lost in spending hours trying to understand it. id spend the nights awake reading and contemplating..... i dont know if it makes sense, but i dont mean this in a meme way - it very much felt like islam chose me, not like i chose it. it very much felt like i had become muslim before i had made any such decision, my soul had already made it for me, and i was the one who later realized and accepted it. islam, the word, comes from the word submission, sometimes said to mean peace in submission. i had already felt it in my bones, the submission to its truth and allah, the onesess of everything, before i realized it. it simply was - looking back, it was a very similar feeling to the one you get on psychedelics. you simply.. understand.... i knew my family would likely forsake me. i knew my country outside of dobrogea would forsaken me. i knew many muslims would forsake me for being gay.... but even if i had wished to go back, it was too late, for i had already seen, and felt, and understood, and there was no denial left. alhamdulilah, i do thank allah for guiding me, for it certainly felt like being guided

i have never known as much peace as i knew in those first, hm, months and years, despite the fact that things were hard back then, especially with my family, and my parents were at the peak of being abusive. i never felt such a connection to god and everything, such a suredness, groundedness, and strengh of faith...... it is something i miss, and i regret that these days i do not often pray the five daily prayers, and do not keep fast as often as i did, and do not live with allah in my heart as much. inshallah, i will get back on the path. i did used to be a lot more orthodox back then, islamically orthodox. and as the years passed my relationship with islam and allah changed, and when i came across sufism for the first time, i realized that it was the heart and soul of the religion which i knew, had felt myself, and had been searching for

i believe there is truth in all religions, they are different paths to take, different understandings which seek the same goal. i do not believe in sects, nor do i believe in devision between religions much... we all have our paths; my understandings of islam may have changed over the years, and i may have had, and still have, my struggles, but this will always be the home and refuge of my soul, and the path i walk

[mithliya]

Tbh I’ve never personally experienced meaningful lesbophobia from OSA radfems (not enough to drive me away anyways), only from other lesbians. Like those “you dated 01 man when you were young and I don’t care it was traumatic and you hated the whole experience and dissociated and only did it out of peer/religious pressure/in an abusive relationship, those are all excuses, you actually liked it and I know it, real lesbians would never touch a man with a 10 foot pole in any possible circumstance, also you’re dirty and worthless for this, unlike me ;)” takes…

ive experienced a het woman saying that im not keen on penetration bc my "vagina is broken" and no one said shit about it back then, saw OSA women on here repeatedly dismiss lesbophobia and their role in it, saw OSA women call lesbians predators, been harassed by a het woman and told that i objectify women or sth bc i find women attractive, saw ppl running blogs manifesting the death of lesbians, etc etc etc

like those ppl u mentioned are bad too and some have caused me genuine distress bc of the way theyd discuss my trauma but OSA women on here have been awful to me too. a lot of them would use my trauma in similar ways. at least the lesbians who act that way get called out by *someone* (or at least they used to, i feel like ppl ignore it when a lesbian is awful to another lesbian nowadays. its only an issue when its directed at OSA women for some reason) but ppl just overlook and downplay and excuse it when its OSA women on here

[adhesivedildos]

I've, been doing better?

I briefly entered psychosis a month ago, just, under everything. Hallucinating at work, losing touch with who i am even am, being ostracized and threatened, i started idealizing religious esque themes of suffering i dont even know. but its okay. Friends have really fuckin helped me clear my head, telling me that im not crazy for feeling all of this, that everything has just been, a mess, and im allowed to just be alive. indi and mika notably, and im finally getting back into mutual aid, a community I've really missed and wanted to give myself to. I was so afraid I wouldnt be able to.

But I finally got back into therapy, back on E, I've been sober for weeks, (but i dont really feel that different, it was easy as just not drinking. hasnt really been an issue for a long time, just feel its time) I'm reading and journaling in my lil books everyday, taking shrooms, breaking into buildings with friend for photography and tagging, run sometimes, coming back into activism. Stargazing. My little things philosophy. Everyone at my job showed me overwhelming love when they found out i was leaving, im getting to see my friend for their birthday and it caught me really off guard and im excited for their gifts. ive rebuilt a healthy relationship with sex that i lost a long time ago, I did quite a while back but im only starting to let myself feel it now, (not that i usually even desire that frequently at all?) Im just being human again and im grateful.

I got, so immersed in hurt and confusion trying to bridge any line of communication and trying to understand what was happening to make people believe the things they were telling me i am, and what i was trying to do, it warped my reality for months. i couldnt let myself trust myself at all, every time something didnt add up or try to come up with an answer it was like voices screaming in my head telling me i was in denial, or shit like " oh so anybody except you must be crazy huh" and id just start from the beginning completely broken.

I've had a lot of massive revolutions of my understanding on life, about addiction down to all its microcosms of reward systems be it drugs or relationships or validation or cell phones. Spirituality, accountability, victim/abuser identities and the complexities of trauma, how to qualm and rewire those pathways that leave us helpless to ourselves. Most of all I just feel a deeper peace in understanding and letting go. empathy for myself, for everyone whos hurt me before. Were all going through the motions that come with being a collective of people at all, making the same mistakes and subsequent realizations that have been had before, will happen again, and getting closer to whatever "it" is.

I've been suspended in an extremely hard emotional state for a long time. I felt helpless and scared throughout my last two relationships, and it only got worse after it got better. I think im actually living again now.

[manifesting-mari]

Not So Morning Pages 1/19/2023

I’m thinking a lot about my religious wounding and the ways i’ve been made to think there needs to be a bad guy and a good guy. That there needs to be a victim and perpetrator. I saw that being modeled growing up. I was either a good girl or a bad girl. My parents were always playing the victim of their circumstances. I think that’s why i went into this uber confident, uber power hungry kind of person. I had myself larger in order ot get my needs met, but i did not become whole. I left behind the parts of me that were truly victimized or the parts of me that felt victimized and for the past few months i’ve been really sitting with those parts of me. The parts that feel unseen and unheard. The parts that feel shame for having feelings. The parts that crave control and manipulate in order to feel secure. I’m grateful for this practice of being able to dig out whats there and lay them out in front of me.

A few weeks ago Tiz shared a clip of a video with me of a podcast where a man basically said what ive been telling him for months about how being right isnt necessarily the goal or the best way to get your point across to someone. And then he mentioned how in the full video the man talks about MLK, Ghandi, and Malcolm X saying how they were impactful due to their religious connection vs the left now that isnt grounded in faith. I feel that is correct. I feel that there is a subset of the left that has no connection to spirit, and in that it is the same shallow endeavor as teh right who are just manipulating religion in order to feel their own narratives. I’m wondering what needs to happen for the left to come into a more heart centered space? I also see how more likely than not, people on the left are the ones who are still grieving and processing their own religious trauma and the right’s use of religion directly triggers that pain and anger that needs to be processed. 

How can we shift from being the victim to becoming empowered? What are other roles besides oppressed and oppressor? I was talking to Jordan about this this morning and i’m grateful for his perspective and insight. I didn’t even realize the ways i was perpetuating the cycle of victimhood within myself. I am no longer a victim, i am a survivor. I truly am a survivor of physical abuse. That shit isnt talked about more seriously and that hurts my soul. My heart breaks for the children and people who are still stuck in relationships where corporal punishment is the norm. How do we even begin to heal that? I can’t solve the world’s problems. Thats the first thing to come to terms with. I can only shift myself and embody a new paradigm. The first step is to choose to process my anger from my past in a safe and trusted space. Somewhere where i know i can be held, heard, and seen in my process. The next step is to give love to the parts of me that are still hurting and in pain. Today I dont feel that pain as much. Now that i’m letting go of the victim narative i can feel the tension around my heart subsiding. If i am not the victim, what am i? What can i be? Jordan said i could be at peace. Wow. what a concept. Lol that person knows what theyre saying lol. 

What does peace feel like in my body? Well, first it feel uncomfortable. It feel like i shouldnt be at peace. It feels like i need to be fighting. But that need to fight does not me i dont want peace, it just means there still soemthing thats resisting. Resistance. Thats what always comes up for me in my journeys. Theres a part of me thats resisting to relax. Thats scared to relax. That feels guilty for relaxing. And now that i’m typing and reading these out, they seem funny. It seems

Lol i literally got distracted by my phone lol so tricky and clever, the parts of me that LOVE to kick and scream. That want something to be angry about because i have anger in my body that was never processed in a healthy way, so it want to come out in this victim narrative. I’ma victim of the system, i’m someone who peolpe leave. These narratives are blocks that keep me away from the peace that i wish to feel. I’m going to now be more aware of thes enarratives and try my best to catch them when they come up. I am empowered, i am secure in myself and in my knowing. I am now going to be observant of when peace comes up. AN dmaybe peace is feeling all fo that resistence and being at peace at its there. Peace and acceptance i think are like siblings. Peace is allowing the world to be what it is. Peace is allowing yourself to be who you are. I’m open to being wrong since this peace thing is a new thing i’m feeling.

I remeber last night i said “I just wanna be good.” what does good mean? I think i am good. I am a good person who tries her nest to be kind and loving to others and herself. I think good at some level means comfortable. I’ve become very comfortable with the uncomfrotable. I think thats my super power. But i can notice some things that make me uncomfortable and i quickly jump away from them. There is a part fo me that wants to indulge these feeling and let them play out. I think tahts teh existential Kink part of me. The insecurity, the sadness, the victimhood. They want to play out becaus ethey were never played out before. I think taking my time by myself to allow those feelings to play out is a good practoce for me right now. Not being reactive and just feeling. Giving myself time to not react. Knowing when i need to ask for support vs looking for escape. 

Thats been another thing i’ve been observing. Support vs. escape. I’m very grateful i have people and place sthat i know i can go to for support. I am grateful for the places of trust that i have.a nd i have so many. I am also grateful for myself that i choose to be trusting and honest the best that I can. I can see the ways where in the past i did a lot of escaping and running. Escaping from myself. My hatred for myself. My own thoughts and feelings. I was my own bully, i was the oppressor and teh oppressed. Now i choose to be neither. I choose to be a healer. 

I am a healer. I am not a victim. I am a healer. I am not a perpetrator. I am a healer. I am nto a good or bad person. I am a healer. I heal myself. I focus on healing and loving myself. I focus on healing the severed parts of myself to become whole with the divine that i know is part of me and part fo everyone else. When I’m not healing, I’m a human being having fun and enjoying all the things i can feel and experience in this human body. I came here to experience. To feel. To explore and expand. I came here to have fun and play. I cam here to love and to be loved.

I’ve been working of receiving. Receiving things from people. Receiving love. I can feel the tension that i still have around love. The narrative that i dont deserve love has lost a lot of its mental power, and even in my body i am become more aware of it. I am grateful that I am able to stop and pause and notice when my body is feeling activated and know that I can change the old narratives on the spot. Before when i was intimate with someone and i would get activated the narrative was “this feels go good its gonna end, i;m never gonna feel this way ever again.” but now i can catch myself when i’m feeling active and say “this feels really good and i just need to catch my breath and allow it to feel good.” 

I was really activated the other day when trying to figure out all the stuff for my home renovation. I felt so uncomfortable receiving money from my mom. I felt so guilty receiving that i can now see the ways that i was projecting that guilt on to her. I want to be the person who can sit there and listen to someone else go through what theyre going through and be able to be with them in their experience. Also noticing the parts of me that want me to be present for my own experience. Just being. I dont have to change or fit anything right now. Just be. I trust that i know when is the right time to remove or transmute. I trust that my body knows what is right. The more i listen to my body, the more i make better choices for myself. Noticing when i’m activated and not immediately making a move has been such a pleasure. Actually giving myself time to be present for my own experience rather than trying to escape it. And i know i will still have some subconscious patterns that will try to take me away front he experience because it feels like its too much to deal with. 

I don’t need to force myself to heal, the healing will happen on its own. I am present for my healing and i am committed to notice the ways where i am escaping and getting int he way of my own healing. When i am resisting the change that wants to happen. Now that i have become so much more aware than in the past, i know that trying to fight what is naturally happening is futile and unsustainable. I know now what helps for me is being present and listening and feeling what is happening. My body keeps the score, and also my body knows what to do. There is a bigger intelligence than my brain, my whole nervous system that helps control glands and organs and muscles that are performing subconsciously. My body is doing the work, i just dont need to get in its way. But i can help it. I can take care of it, love it. Feed it healthy foods. Treat it with care and compassion. Put into it things that bring more clarity and love. I am no longer oppressing my body. I am caring for it and loving it and trusting it. 

[redflagsandbanners]

Concept _ The year's 1998. Hawkins, Indiana.

PI Robin Buckley x Jurnalist Nancy Wheeler

Two years ago, local private investigator Robin Buckley solved the cold case of Terry Ives' long, lost daughter -- finding the twelve-year-old kid in Hawkins Lab, all the while charging everyone involved with the violation of a decent number of civil rights, kidnapping and experimenting on children.

Since then, the only real case Robin has solved, is how much is the most money she can make when presenting evidence to cheated wives and cheated husbands and wrecking their already wrecked households with some stalking and photos taken in the night.

Fresh and bright after publishing a career changing story on Boston’s biggest newspaper, journalist Nancy Wheeler searches for the next case to follow through. The thing is, unmasking of a Soviet, military base, buried underneath Boston’s newest Commercial Mall, means phonecalls and attention from fellow journalists all the way from goddamn DC.

It would be great --- if she hadn't had to choose the Soviets over a relationship with a woman that, if the times or Nancy's job were any different, she could have very well been the one to build a life with. With the big story published, Nancy thinks she deserves some months of writing at her own pace while processing the intense breakup.

After a series of child murders suddenly haunts Hawkins, the small town community paints the suspect -- nineteen-year-old Eddie Munson -- as Satan's vessel of destruction and leader of a cult performing the seemingly sacrifice rituals.

Private Investigator Robin Buckley thinks the serial killer's profile doesn't describe the poor kid, Eddie. The pack of gremlins defending their older friend and apparent mentor through high school, and proclaiming him innocent, grabs her attention.

Journalist Nancy Wheeler thinks this is possibly the best case to write about after the Russians; uncovering a serial killer in her childhood city, studying the complexity of religious motives and proving small-town-assholery absolutely wrong.

Neither of them expect a partnership or -- well -- falling in love.

Notes _

They are on their early thirties.

"Aren't you supposed to be the city’s hero?" "No, huh... that's Police Chief Jim Hopper". "So who are you supposed to be?" "City's... conspiracy theorist with a PI license?"

"You don't remember me, why would you remember me, we never talked back in--" "You were playing the trumpet in band. Sat way back in chemistry class. Doodled your shoes". "..." "..." "...what the f--"

The kids are sixteen. Eddie and Steve are both nineteen. Just for the fun of the dynamic.

Autistic Robin Buckley.

Closeted bisexual Nancy Wheeler.

Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism (because i want the complexity of poor coping mechanisms to trauma i am so sorry)

We're stepping into the '90s for a change.

Murray Bauman.

Slowburn.

Resentful Allies to Friends to Lovers.

With a supernatural twist in the middle of the investigation, where they discover the Upside-Down completely on accident and freak the fuck out.

Vecna is the Bad Guy, but make the theme that of a True Crime novel. The psychic powers come as a secondary detail to the Serial Killer whole character study.

[tofindloveinpoison]

Iconic Fanfictions ive read two years ago and what I currently remember of them:

I will premise this by saying that these fanfics were famous only in certain specific niches of the internet, and that when i say that a work is badly written or i critique it in anyway it?s just my opinion from what i vaguely remember, whihch might not be correct. 

Fanfics below the cut: filthy lucre, asotm, twist and shout, the hat and lung fics, anatomy of a fall, throam, unholyverse. feelfree to add what you remember of “famous fanfics” you’ve read.

tw for mentions of: sexual assault, violence, animal abuse, pedophilia and some other upsetting topics. 

The Milk Fic

Oh my God this was bad but not nearly as extreme as other fics. An iconic and shocking read i do not recommend, but if you really want to read it it will not ruin your life, your month at most. 

From what i remember at least the sex was consensual aaaaaaand i don’t remember any other good/decent aspects about it. 

Very famous, a lot of ppl have read it, gerard way said it was “well-written” but honestly it wasn’t.

( original? ryden version) 4/10 because of lack of actual crimes.

Filthy Lucre

So bad i don’t remember the plot. They’re prostitutes i think? there definitely was an abusive relationship and the sex scenes were so bad i had to skip all of them, meaning i read the whole thing in half an hour.

Really terrible, they don’t end up toghether and that’s the only interesting element. I recomend no one reads this unless you are literally dying of boredom.

(frerard version) 1/10 because its a completed work, but at what cost

Twist and Shout

This is considered one of the good ones and you know what? for iconic fanfiction standards it’s not bad at all, decently-written with actual characters that don’t feel, like most fanfic characters, like bad ooc versions of the original.

How about the overcomplicated plot tho? I don’t remember a thing except for the homophobia (its set in the 50s-60s), the war, the Elvis songs, one cute sad beach scene and one of the protagonists dying of aids. Maybe they also watch star trek,idk; lots to unpack. 

If you want to suffer and you have lots of free time i recommend it, i skipped most of the sex scenes but there is an actual plot so that was not a problem.

(original Destiel version) 8/10 bc I don’t remember how they handled the aids thing but it made me uncomfortable, might be just bc of the upsetting subject matter but i don’t remember

The Hat Fic

DO NOT READ THIS THING. Go read the milk fic if you want weird but not this one please. A milk enema is NOTHING. Contains animal abuse and i don’t remember how consensual the whole thing was.

I CAN ASSURE YOU THIS MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE TO THIS DAY I FEEL SICK WRITING THIS. There is a whole subset of early phanfiction centered on being as disgusting and upsetting as possible and i think this started it.

I higly doubt anyone got off on this but still the possibility unsettles me.

(original phan version )  -8233983743764346/10 should be illigal to talk about it. We should all agree to Damnatio Memoriae this thing.

A splitting of the Mind

Some people insist on treating this as one of the good iconic fics but it’s bad. 

So bad its actually an interesting read if you feel like analizing some text, trying to see what is so appealing about it, despite its evident flaws.

The age gap is 19-16 so not as bad as the Other Iconic mcr Fanfic About Doves that i did not read bc from what i remember it was basically pedophilia/grooming but i might be wrong. God the bar is so low

Portrayal of mantal illness and trauma was truly a shitshow, the writing was not great but also not horrible. The sexual assault elements upset me greatly but it might be just bc of the subject matter

pros: unreliable narrator done decently, ray toro’s character saw the future looking in cereal, characters are characters and not merely names (not to be confused with actual good characterization), nothing else.

(original frerard version) 5/10 for the effort honestly, but i do not recommend this unless you are mentally ready for some heavy topics handled poorly.

The Lung Fic

This was written with the goal of shocking the reader, in the same vein as all hat fic/ milk fic copycats.

 Should be more upsetting, given it contains gore, pedophilia and a bunch of other disgusting madness (maybe mpreg?), but it just reads as a fanfiction taboo list.

Not worth reading at all, clearly intentionally designed to shock and disgust to the point where it’s obvious.

0/10 i don’te remember which version, irrelevant, don’t waste your time

Anatomy of a fall

Contains ghosts, high school au, possibly resurrection or death, idk.

I don’t remember this being particularly offensive in any way, but its been a long time. Then again i did not read the sex scenes so it might contain necrophilia and i wouldn’t know. (i checked and no necrophilia, just “weird supernatural sex”)

is it well written? no, but it’s not outragiously badly-written. Is it funny sometimes? yes.

 In the context of this list, this might be a good one, in any other context probably not. I might be biased bc i love ghost stories in general and this one does not contain sexual assault if i remember correcly. (The bar is soooo low)

(original? frerard version) 7/10 bc ghosts and funny aND IT HAS ILLUSTRATIONS (vietnamese translation available)

 The Heart Rate of a Mouse

Good but not in the classical meaning of the word. It contains some Hot TakesTM on human sexuality, substance abuse and unhealthy relationship(s).

Its set in the 70s so the homophobia is there and she is thriving. Wonderful internalized homophobia, really 10/10 for that.

The sex and the plot sometimes intersect, putting me in the uncomfortable position of having to  read smut or not knowiong what is going on (0/10 ).

Well written for the genre (=beloved fanfictions that are rarely redeemable); characters are original and flawed, even interesting sometimes.

The plot is three pubblished books worth of plot available for free on the internet and that is a blessing. I suggest reading this as if all the characters are OCs and you found this book forgotten on the train and decided to read it. 

But is it actually good as a story? idk its a lot honestly, if you have to quarantine for 14 days bc of covid and you don’t have anything to study, this will fill at least 4 full days of reading.

(original version)8/10 bc it has everithing but its still not a masterpiece of modern fanfic literature sorry

Unholyverse

Contains Demons, priests, scarfs, exorcisms(affectionate), vergin mary tatoos and much more. Not as carefully written as throam or tas, but it still makes it as one of the good  fanfics solely for the cool factor.

It would be so cool if this was better written and a comicbook or a grafic novel with original characters.( I skipped all the sex scenes bc they made me uncomfy, as usual so idkwhat was going on there)

If there was anything extremely upsetting about this one i forgot about it (i checked: they say “ warnings for religious themes, pain, trauma, blood, torture and death”). There is a lot of plot, its not even just one fic its a whole serie. 

Great for passing the time, I forgot most of it 7/10 for the demons (original version)

[loveistrueblue]

how were you outed? you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to of course but ive been following you a while and im worried and curious

tw for me talking about being outed, emotional abuse, religious trauma, and mental health stuff like suicidal thoughts. It's a heavy topic.

Back in October, my mother went through my little brother's email, where she found a Twitter notification that took her to my account, where I had a bio stating that I was a lesbian, multiple tweets about being gay & jokes about a previous relationship I was in with a woman, and some tweets that were jabs at the church. In part, it was my fault that she could find it so easily. As I have gotten older, I hid my sexuality less and less, so the account was public and the profile picture to the account was a picture of my face. Therefore, there was no talking my way out of it. My mother was texting me while I was at work about it and when I got off, we spoke on the phone for a long three hours, a conversation that still goes through my mind constantly. It was mostly a bunch of gaslighting (the church didn't traumatize you by teaching that "homosexuality" is a sin, you're not actually a lesbian you are just struggling with "same sex attraction," etc.) and threats (you can drop out of college -note that I have paid for my entire college education through loans, scholarships, and money out of my own pocket, not my parents- and move back home and "speak to someone about this" -aka, conversion therapy-).

At the time, it truly felt like the end of the world. Being outed was always my worst fear growing up. When it happened, I felt completely disconnected from the world and my own body. I couldn't talk to my grandparents because there was a weight in my stomach, constantly, and I was terrified my mother was going to tell them and I'd be homeless (I managed to talk my mother down from telling my grandparents, for the time being, as I truly think it would crush them totally). It was also about a week or so before my birthday and people were asking how I was going to celebrate and I didn't want to, and I didn't even want to be alive at that point. I took sleeping pills to go to sleep so that I didn't have to think at night, because that was usually when it started getting worse. I couldn't talk to my mother on the phone for a while. I needed to call her to tell her my birthday plans, so that she wouldn't get angrier with me, but every time I would try to call, I'd hyperventilate. Eventually I just sent her a text, which upset her more in the long run, I suppose, but I just couldn't.

I have a feeling I was a difficult person to be around in the thick of it, but I am immensely grateful I had something of a support system when it happened. Otherwise, I think I wouldn't have had much to trek on for.

My relationship with my mother has somewhat improved in the meantime. It was shaky from the start, but it just exploded after the outing. Sometimes she looks at me like I'm being cast into hell right before her eyes and it just hurts something inside me so deeply I can't even explain it. Mostly, it's the elephant in the room we don't acknowledge. But there's always that tension there, and I say the wrong thing when I visit her, and it explodes into an argument.

And of my course my father doesn't have shit to say on the matter at all, not to my face anyhow. Coward.

Anyway, this is the most I've talked on it in a good while. I'm still trying to process it and balance the desire to not piss my family off and further ruin my life and the desire to be somewhat liberated from constantly hiding parts of who I am. It's a process.

Thank you for opening the space for me to talk about it a little bit, anon. I appreciate it.

[excatholicatheistace]

My Cult Story Part IV: A Spirit of Sensitivity

I'm sharing my experience and trauma from when I was in a Catholic Charismatic Cult. If you haven't read Parts I-III you can find them on my page!

TW: Spiritual Abuse, Religious Trauma

I didn't like Br. David not being on campus anymore, despite the fact that we had a bizarre relationship. There were moments of kindness and mentorship that felt deep and personal, and moments that were uncomfortable because he was so much harder on me than the others. He loved Daisy and Nathan and constantly praised them for their holiness, intelligence, and openness. He didn't really praise me.

I remember one awkward time in particular during my Freshman year. We had all gone to Mass together. After receiving the Eucharist I sang with the rest of the congregation. I thought the song was beautiful and I love to sing. So, I let myself enjoy the moment.

We went to the cafeteria after Mass and were joined by some friends of ours that weren't a part of the group. In front of everyone at dinner Br. David turned to me and said, "You shouldn't sing after receiving the Eucharist. You broke the Anointing. You should know better. We are always silent after receiving the Eucharist. Always."

"Breaking the Anointing" is a phrase used to describe a moment where someone does something against the Holy Spirit's guidance and it ruins the anointing for everyone in the room (making everyone have to pray for it again).

I could feel my face turn red with shame as he asked me to silently pray A Prayer to Take Authority. I bowed my head down in front of everyone and prayed while trying to fight back tears.

.

.

My sophomore year was miserable and lonely for many reasons.

Daisy, my best friend and biggest support, left school.

My new roommate didn't like me. I know a lot of people say things like that, but she didn't like me so much that she asked the administration to move me out of our room and refused to be in the same room as me for any amount of time.

It's a ridiculous story: I was 19, almost 3000 miles away from home, my best friend was no longer at school, religion had become toxic in my life, and I was struggling because I was in love with Nathan, but he wanted to be a priest (we were friends on and off depending on how much we could handle it emotionally and it was a lot of work. The feeling of rejection in those moments when he said he couldn't handle being friends anymore was intense).

One day I was crying. I have ADHD and sometimes get emotionally dysregulated (and that time of my life was the peak of it), but there was something comforting about laying on the ground for me and I would do it on occasion when I felt like my life was out of control. I liked the cool floor against my back and the feeling of my hair being sprawled out under my head. I know it sounds strange, but it was a grounding thing for me.

(Funny story... I hadn't laid on the floor in a long time, but my toddler lays on the floor in a heap of emotion on a regular basis. The other day I decided to lay next to her.... I have to say, it is still quite nice, lol).

That day, in our dorm room, I decided to lay on the floor to help me process my feelings. My roommate, Hannah*, walked in with me like this. I know it must have looked bizarre to see a girl laying on the floor with tears streaming across her face, but her reaction was also over the top. She panicked and told me to go straight to the adoration chapel (Catholics have chapels where you can pray in front of the Eucharist). She wouldn't let me respond, she just kept telling me to leave.

"This is something demonic. I am contacting a priest," she told me as I walked out of the room in confusion.

A priest eventually showed up and talked with me for awhile, determined I was just sad and not possessed, and left. But, my roommate said she could no longer be in the same room with me. She slept somewhere else until the administration moved me.

They ended up moving me to an isolated room in the far corner of a building that didn't house many students. It was an old motel that was now being used as student housing. They usually only put older students or Grad students down there. The entire campus and the dormitories were on top of a rather large and steep hill, and this building was at the bottom.

Each room had it's own bathroom, which was nice, and I didn't have a roommate. I really loved that part. I could sing, dance, cry, lay on the floor... do whatever, and no one would think I was demonic.

But, it was also lonely.

.

I prayed for The Anointing with the group in a classroom every morning and then on Saturdays they had prayer meetings.

Steve and Joe really wanted to have a healing ministry on campus. They were enamored with evangelical faith healers. They would watch videos of Kathryn Kuhlman and Benny Hinn (we even went down to Tennessee to see Benny Hinn at one point) and act star struck. They showed everyone who would watch.

They invited as many people as possible to the Saturday night meetings because they wanted to "bless" as many people as possible. They would choose 5 or 6 people to pray over others. I asked if I could also pray with people and they refused.

"You just aren't gifted. We need people who are gifted."

I didn't want to let it go. I wanted, not a Benny Hinn style healing ministry (which made me feel uncomfortable), I wanted to love people through prayer and for them to find peace and emotional healing. So, I didn't give up. I kept asking if I could pray over others and they kept telling me no.

I called Br. David, who told me, while it seems harsh, they are right.

"You have to trust them. They are anointed for this ministry. God chose them. You just aren't gifted at this time. Just go and receive the blessings. Just receive."

I always hated how he said that. He used this odd, buttery tone every time he told me to "just receive." The same one he used to tell me how I'm "so blessed."

One day, a friend of mine was crying and she asked for prayer. It wasn't at one of the meetings, we were just hanging out together in a chapel and she saw us and asked if we would pray with her. The men pulled their holy oil out and began to prepare for their usual ritual. I quickly pulled Steve aside and asked him if I could pray with them. Not by myself, I just wanted to be there for her. She was my friend and they didn't know her well, so it made sense to me.

"You just aren't gifted. You can pray for us over there. That's where you belong" he pointed to a quiet spot across the way, far from everyone else.

I began to tear up. When will I be good enough? Why am I not good enough to pray when I've been here from the beginning? Isn't it just prayer, technically anyone should be good enough, right?

"Don't cry. Please don't. Just go pray over there."

He left and I couldn't help it, I cried.

.

.

A few hours later I got a call from Br. David who told me that he heard about what happened. I started crying again, partially out of anger and partially out of embarrassment.

"You don't pray A Prayer To Take Authority enough. You have a spirit of sensitivity attached to you. I can hear it in your voice. You need deliverance from this. I've always known you are sensitive and this is why. You won't be able to receive gifts until you are delivered from this spirit. Seek out Steve and Joe. They can deliver you. You need healing. Trust me. We are anointed for this."

(To be continued)

[bangtanxm]

Bookclub; March Highlight

This month’s theme was “The Darkness Within” asking for our bookclub members to find the most angstiest and darkest stories to recommend for this month. These are our our monthly fanfic recommendations from our bangtanxm; bookclub!

In the following you find a list of fics we recommend and reviewed this month. Please support these amazing authors! With every monthly recommendation, there is also a drabble game that everyone can participate in. You’ll find the masterlist at the end of the reviews. Happy Reading!

BOOKCLUB; recommendations

PS. As this theme involves a lot of triggering topics, we’d like to emphasize to thoroughly read the disclaimers on each story. Thank you.

TEMPTATION written by linzeigh

— Summary; Yoongi and Jimin are priests. Jin, Taehyung, and Jungkook are hungry. — Disclaimer; pwp, demons, nsfw-content

bookclub; review

“AAAAARRHHHHH. This was so incredible. I feel like no matter what I say, it will not do this masterpiece justice. It's so sinful and forbidden, but oh how it feels so right! The gradual revelation of Jimin and Yoongi’s mutual lust for each other was masterfully written. And fuck, I love the demon trio of Jin, JK and Tae. Their interactions and teasing brought a surprisingly bright mood to the fic, and I giggled several times at JK and Tae’s bickering. The concept of them feeding of sexual tension and being able to read Jimin and Yoongi’s mind was really interesting. The blasphemy was so shocking (and surprisingly intriguing), and I kept thinking damn how far is the author gonna take it, and oh lord very very far indeed. This is a must-read for anyone who likes explicit and dark fics!!” [@tinysweetscrown]

“This fic is so good. It is lengthy, for one, which is so admirable and amazing considering it’s largely smut. Smut can be so hard to write such big fics of and keep it fresh and interesting, but this author was able to do so. They were able to really take their time with each character and it felt fresh and interesting, without being slow or repetitive which is such an awesome accomplishment. I love the small details that were added in, the fact that they didn’t bleed, probably didn’t need to breathe, were super strong, etc. – it really added to the depth of the characters themselves, which is something that is often left out of smut fics. Also the entire subject/plot. Though blasphemous in some ways, it was handled really really well and I think kind of brushed on some very important topics (like being gay and religious). Overall just a stunning piece of fiction that I will be coming back to again and again for a reread.” [anon]

THE PERFECT ILLUSION written by @softjeon​ & @cassiavioletblue​

— Summary; He was the perfect illusion. The getaway for anyone who didn’t want to face reality. And yet, there was something in his eyes, something vulnerable and hopeful as if he was dying for someone to see through him, to care for him enough to look behind the mask and draw out the real Jimin. And Namjoon couldn’t wait to do exactly that. — Disclaimer; mentioning of abusive behavior

bookclub; review

“this is...just wow.... the story is so interesting and unique, the writing is beautiful, the characters are so on point. Ive only read the first chapter so far and i just know this is going to be one of my classics. The universe is so well constructed, the characters very nuanced in such a short amount of time... You can see the research that went into the geisha world, and it's paying off into what i feel is a masterpiece.” [anon]

"I already had an admiration and love for geisha culture and craft so seeing this story come out the first time just made me so excited!! Granted it has darker thematic tones to it, I loved how Jimins character was so well embodied that it stuck with me even after I read it. Also Jungkook as the maiko liSTEN I GREW SO PROTECTIVE OF HIM THROUGHOUT THE STORY. That build up of his mizuage made me want to take him away to somewhere and Namjoon and Yoongi were just the best, most complimentary characters to each of them. Jimin needed someone soft and kind like Namjoon while Jungkook needed someone sort of protective and a little cheeky like Yoongi. Their dynamics just worked so freaking well and you can always count on Jey and Cat to have just the right amount of angst mixed with fluff cause damn it HURT for a while reading this but the relief of it all was so welcoming. I can't rec this fic enough honestly, the characters, the settings in the teahouse are so beautiful and I LOVE authors who aren't scared to make a member into an antagonistic character cause it added so much flavour to the chemistry OOF just well done it was so nice reminiscing with this fic again!!!” [anon]

“I read The Perfect Illusion originally as it came out. It is just as enjoyable the second time through. It was such an interesting and stunning piece, I felt. The real shining star was the slow burn aspect of it, I think, even more so than the angst or abuse aspects. The slow sort of build of romance between Joon and Jimin was really beautiful, especially with the constant looming danger of what they were doing. The gravity of it was revealed in a really slow, measured manner that I think really helped the reader feel that sense of urgency as the fic went on and we – like Namjoon, learned more and more about the situation than we’d known before. The disgust of what was being done to Jimin and JK and the other dancers was enough to roll one’s stomach, but it was done in such a way that it worked well with the fic. It wasn’t there just for shock value; everything seemed to have a purpose and a point and it wove together in a really fitting and gorgeously heartbreaking and bittersweet tale overall.”  [anon] 

SING FOR ME written by Trilluvium

— Summary; When Jimin set out to find Earthshine in order to save his mother, he’d been ready to give up his life. Earthshine’s keeper, however, was interested in taking more from Jimin than just his life. — Disclaimer; non-con, tentacles, rape

bookclub; review

“Just wow. Okay, so this fic is so beautifully done. There is nonconsent, yes, it’s dark, yes, but it’s so much more than that. Particularly because of the ending, which is so bittersweet – Jimin’s choice. But my thinking is, vaguely hopeful? Maybe things will turn around? But that’s just me. Either way – the real shining star in this fic is the descriptive writing. The author does such a good job of writing in a very clear and detailed manner that a lot of folks just can’t accomplish without it dragging the fic down. It feels far heavier in description than dialogue, which I think fits it perfectly. The author was able to perfectly describe this absolutely beautiful fantasy realm in which the characters are, as well as the inhuman aspects of the characters. The description left me breathless – I wasn’t distracted, struggling to imagine what a, b, or c looked like – the author painted this amazing, film quality scene in my head. And because of that, I was able to focus fully on the dialogue and action of the characters.”  [anon]

WHISPERING SHADOWS written by @jooniesmind​

— Summary; It’s an already tough ability, that becomes borderline impossible, when you’re scared of ghosts. And Jimin was like that. — Disclaimer; angst, ghosts, mentioning of death

bookclub; review

“This is an excellent start to what could be a really sad, beautiful fic! The descriptions used are really stunning, painting a lovely picture (and a sad one). I’d love to see what would happen if JK came back, or even just following poor terrified-of-ghosts Jimin through his life, doing his job in whatever way he can manage. I’d love to learn more about how it works, what he does (and doesn’t do) and meet other ghosts he’s had to tangle with. And other whisperers! How it works and what makes them have the ability, etcetera. There’s such a whole rich world here that I think the author really began to develop in a beautiful way.” [anon]

“this story just hits you right in the feels. the author does a great job of putting so much emotion in a little one-shot that i’m just in awe at how they’ve done it. it is perfect!” [anon]

The Chaos Theory (Love Me Now) written by leanmeancuisine

— Summary; Jeon Jungkook, Prince of the South Korean Royal Pack and CEO of the largest conglomerate in the world, was thought to be following his father’s footsteps in becoming a Purebred Alpha. Oh, how wrong was that. Freshly presented at 18, Jungkook is discovered to be a Genus—a rare and one of a kind type of wolf that has more than one special gene. — Disclaimer; ABO Dynamics, mentioning of suicide, depression, kidnapping, poly-relationship

bookclub; review

“So I read this entire wip in one sitting. And then had to lay down and sleep on it before writing this. That’s how damn good this fic is. I was absolutely blown away. The style of writing is unbelievably well done. The author was able to really create this whole world and species, essentially, borrowing from some of the more traditional tropes but changing it into something very unique and creative. It feels so entirely fresh and interesting, weaving both very well handled traumas and angst in with softer, gentler bits that give the fic a level of depth and beauty that I haven’t seen in a very long time. All of the characters are so beautifully developed; I honestly can’t think of one I prefer more than the other of the ones that we have met so far. I’m so incredibly curious about the remaining members, as well as how Jin will blend with the rest of the group as things progress. I look forward to many updates!” [anon]

“ALRIGHT DAMN what a ride and im only prologue + 1st ch in! the introduction to jungkook's is honestly so good, and the author describes the scenes so perfectly its like we're there with jungkook, annoyed at the world. These two chapters definitely got my attention and i have a feeling ill be binging this in a near future. I can't wait to see how the author develop the other boys, how they'll introduce them... im getting excited now” [anon]

MONSTER UNDER THE BED written by Born2beSad

— Summary; Namjoon’s new apartment came with a little more than he was expecting… …luckily for him and his nighttime visitor, he’s into it. — Disclaimer; tentacles pwp, monsters,

bookclub; review

“This is such an interesting twist on the tentacle genre! I loved jimin and Joon's dynamic, although definitely wrong...but in a universe with monster under the beds i don't think that matters. Jimin as a character was weirdly endearing, and you can't help yourself from feeling sorry for him and his loneliness, and relieved he found Joon. And well, Joon is leaving his best life, so props to him for sticking around. The writing was impeccable, will definitely be going through the authors fics in a near future” [anon]

“I'm a lil bit of a newbie with tentacle porn reading wise and def haven't tried it writing wise but THIS WAS THE SHIIITTTT I LOVED IT SO MUCH (and lowkey highkey brought out a small tentacle porn interest of mine i didn't know i had oop) just the way Namjoon loved it and wanted it I could feel it in my freaking bones and maybe even related to him a littejnerighs i mean it was JIMIN HOW COULD YOU NOT and i loved the sprinkles of fluff in there it really brought a nice relief from the hot, heavy and body tingling smut embedded into it gdfoegg this was so good, such a hot way to depict a monster under the bed concept and the author did it so well also really inspired to dive into this territory of storytelling cause i'm 0.0 intrGUED” [anon]

“So, so good. Many of your general tentacle fics tie so deeply with nonconsent or dubious consent at best. Which is entirely fine, but sometimes it’s so nice to see something refreshing and new, and this fits the bill. While still brimming with great imagery and really well written smut, it also injects a supply of sweet fluff and near domesticity to the situation. Rather than being the ‘boy gets taken against his will by sex crazed monster’ – the relationship is symbiotic, allowing a give and take; even if it is largely physical in nature. I think that sheds such a fun light on the tentacle monster trope. This is one of those fics that I would really enjoy seeing another chapter or two, additional shenanigans that the two get up to with or without smut. Further, I love the descriptors used in the fic, I feel like it painted a really lovely visual that helped the reader really dive into it.” [anon]

“This fic....whew! It is really something! I don't read tentacle stuff and I'm not a fan of bottom!Namjoon but I wanted to read something different for this month. It's a great balance of fluff and smut with how the ending turns out; it's not rape or non-con either, since Namjoon is a huge monster lover lol I can just imagine him with a whole collection of monster dildos. The writing is wonderful too. The way the author set up the beginning without giving things away until maybe halfway through is really well done. Like, you already know Namjoon's going to consent but (at least for me) not in a way you expected. Jimin being a cute, friendly monster who isn't afraid to show his devilish side too <3 I seriously reccomend this to people who like tentacle porn. Maybe even people who don't read it often like me” [anon]

“This was such a surprisingly sweet and fluffy tentacle fic. I love the author's description of Jimin’s duality; the mixture between his sweet pretty features and his black demon tentacles, really feels so believe haha. The ending was so lovely and really put a smile on my face!” [@tinysweetscrown​]

INTO THE WOODS written by bugarungus

— Summary; Seokjin wakes up to find he’s been kidnapped by some nature nymphs and their pet. — Disclaimer; tentacle pwp, fae & farieis, dubious consent

bookclub; review

“Oh my, I was completely immersed in this beautiful little universe, the author created. Everything about this fic is so lovely and stunning - from the descriptions of Jin’s everyday life before he meets the nymphs to the actual smut. I loved the bickering between Jimin, Tae and Yoongi, because it truly felt like a “brotherly” relationship. Also the fact that they each were a different “type” of nymph, and especially Tae’s protectiveness of LeeAnn, was so interesting and funny to read. This fic really strikes a perfect balance between a dirty smutty plot with dubious consent without it being too vulgar and uncomfortable to read!” [@tinysweetscrown]

“Wowowowow. Honestly this fic blew me away. There was so much going on but it was all so clear and well written, just… Perfection. The descriptions were so clean and clear and visually stimulating, it was easy to picture exactly what was happening. This is something so hard to do sometimes, especially in smut with more than two people, and this one was four and a plant! I wanted to know more about the nymphs, and their plant – the backstory bet would be so fascinating and amazing. There was so much subtle romance between the nymphs, and even being dubious consent, I feel like that oozed into Jin as well – opening up the idea that the future isn’t going to be questionable. Kind of a happy ending even with a smidge of the darker/dubious consent that laced through it. I think also, the relationship between the nymphs was just really fun. Despite the alternate universe, the characters felt really true to the actual group members. Their personalities matched up great and I didn’t find myself wondering if x would actually say that, do that, etcetera. It’s amazing when you can keep things true to ‘life’ but put them into this awesome fantasy world. Just so, so well done.” [anon]

NICE THINGS written by @kimlinebiased​

— Summary; Namjoon is clumsy, even with others’ hearts. — Disclaimer; smut

bookclub; review

“This was such a sweet and wholesome fic! I especially enjoyed Namjoon's letter to Yoongi. I felt like the description of how Namjoon and Yoongi are different really fit so well with at least how I see them irl! Also the call back in the end to "this is why we can't have nice things" tied the whole fic so nicely together and left me all warm and fuzzy :)" [@tinysweetscrown]

“Nice things is such a sweet story, even with the angst thrown into it, you can feel the love yoongi and namjoon have for each other. It make the angst hurt even more, and wraps things up in cute ending. The smut if soft and just right for the story, and you just find yourself rooting for the characters to make it work, and also to pls wrap namjoon in bubble wrap...”[anon]

“A blend of angst and smut, it's really well done. I don't read a lot of canon/idol stuff nor do I write it much, but I decided I'd give it a read. Considering it's Dean writing, I wasn't disappointed haha Namjoon and Yoongi have a really nice relationship and Yoongi's reluctance to get back with Namjoon makes sense given how Namjoon broke his heart. The smut at the end is A+ too.” [anon]

DEVILS HAND by @softjeon​ & @cassiavioletblue​

— Summary; There had been rumors, but in the end it was not really a secret that Namjoon loved delicate and beautiful things. Especially when it came down to his lovers and his castle. It was decorated with lot of flowing, long blue curtains, colorful paintings in every room, rows of marble columns leading along every aisle. There was a large garden surrounding the palace, which was by far Jungkook’s favorite place to be – next to the king’s bedroom. — Disclaimer; alcohol, abusive relationships, abusive behavior, (sexual) violence, major character death

bookclub; review

“This fic….. ruined me… When I first started reading it, I was immediately intrigued, because I had no idea where the fic was going! I was so captivated by it, and I HAD TO finish it, but holy fuck I needed like a good day to digest it. The universe the authors created was absolutely beautiful and so well-described that I feel like I, days later, still have a clear image in my head of what the scenes look like - as if I’d seen a movie. The ending was absolutely devastating and painful and awful (but like in a good way) and im so conflicted about the whole thing…………” [@tinysweetscrown]

“alright so another masterpiece by the incredible duo! The dynamic in this story are amazingly complex and layered, the characters interesting and their motives are well thought out.. You can't help but have your stomach tied in a knot after the first chapter, anticipation making you nervous. There's this general feeling that shit will hit the fan and it won't be pretty... beautifully written, bravo!” [anon]

“How. Dare. You. Omg, I just reread this fic and ughhhh the ending breaks my heart every time! I've never hated Namjoon in a fic before. Even when I've made him an asshole, I didn't hate him. But here...he's just such a dick and Jungkook is such a sweetheart looking to please the man he loves. It's such a sad story because Jungkook is a rabbit surrounded by vipers (Taehyung being the only good one imo). I definitely rec it to anyone who wants a good angsty read. I do say mind the triggers though, since it's not for everyone. The writing is beautiful, sets a good pace, and gives detail without going overboard. Jey and Cat really get you inside the character's feelings while delivering really steamy smut scenes.” [anon]

“The Devil’s Hand was such a sad, dark story for all involved. I don’t often read major character death because it makes me so sad, but I think it was really fitting for this fic. There was no winning for JK, and the end really solidified that lesson of not knowing what you have until it’s gone. The relationship between Taehyung and Jungkook was one of my favorite parts of the entire fic. They had such a well-developed friendship and I think that Tae really embodied the person that JK deserved, in a weird way. Though they were only friends, he was loving and trusting and would do anything for JK, even at the risk of his own life. The contrast between how Tae treated him versus Namjoon, even versus Hoseok – it was so stark and telling in terms of the fic and the deeper meanings. I think overall the fic was heart wrenching and so, so sad, but such an excellent piece that really cuts the reader to the bone. “ [anon]

The Drabble-Game; MASTERLIST

— prompt; “Sometimes the darkness is too big to keep inside.”  

Thank you to everyone who participated! Stay tuned for the next theme of the month to participate! 

THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENED written by @chimknj​

— summary; Jimin was in the room when Hoseok walked in. Only one of them would get out of it alive.

EAT THE RICH (BECAUSE THEY’RE ROTUND AND DELICIOUS) written by @kimlinebiased​

— summary; Jungkook had a mission. That mission may involve killing people and burying the bodies. It’s going great… Until the bodies go missing.

— Join the Bookclub here! — official post — faq

[boy-porridge-vent]

september 10 2019

god i cant take it anymore Im so tired of everything

having traumatic memories flow back through my head every fucking night??? Im fucking tired of it. I cant sleep anymore because either I go to bed crying & miserable, or I get no sleep/a couple hours each night so I dont have enough time to dream. Recently, every time Ive had a dream, it’s involved my ex & how she treated me. Every fucking night. I literally can’t sleep without crying & freaking out/self harming because I get scared of what repressed memory is going to reemerge in my dreams this time

Ive tried to block so many things, it’s been years, but every night for nearly 2 weeks anytime I sleep I dream of her, her calling me names, the things she would say to me, when she would get physical, her sexual assault against me. I can’t fucking do it anymore

Im so exhausted, Ive only gotten about a total of 8 hours total over the past 3 nights because either I cant sleep from being scared, or because I force myself to stay up.

she’s fucking ruined me, she abused me, I was used, yet all these years later, Im the one that continues to suffer from the thoughts and words she forced forever into my mind, while she got away completely scot free with no consequences, so she still continues to harm and manipulate people to this day because she got away with it when it came to me.

I feel like it’s all my fault and I should be the one trying to stop her, but I have no control, Im legally not allowed to have any contact with her. Im seen as the bad guy. Why? Because I reached out for help one too many times and the school thought it was annoying & clingy. They thought I was obsessive over her.

It’s not obsession. It’s called fucking trauma. It’s called being emotionally unstable because of abuse that I was never able to properly heal from. I was forced to move on quick and pretend it never happened so I could move on with my life, and in that period of my life I had no time to properly think over everything and heal, I had nobody to professionally talk to. Ive been denied therapy by the school and by my parents because they think therapists are ridiculous, that I don’t need one.

Im sorry, but I genuinely do think Im going to end up killing myself in the next 2 years, maybe even within a year if shit keeps spiraling downward like it has been. I need help. Im not trying to self diagnose here, but it almost feels like I have ptsd or something because I cant stop thinking about what she did.

Im not obsessed, I would know if I was. I dont think about her as in I miss her/want her back; no, not at all, I wish she wasn’t around anymore. I think of her everyday, multiple times a day, cry over her every night & stay up wide awake in fear because of her almost every night because of what she did to me. This is every fucking day. Every fucking night. I can’t get her out of my head. The same horrible experiences & verbal blows come back to me every day, and I can’t make it stop. Once it pops into my head, it’s there for hours, and it weighs me down severely.

I want to get better. Im tired of relapsing into my eating disorder over and over. I relapsed into it while I was dating her because of how miserable and emotionally strained I was, I relapsed after we broke up, and I relapsed again a few weeks ago ever since the memories & nightmares started flooding into my mind much at a greater extent than ever before. 

Im tired of relapsing into cutting. I started cutting only 8 months into our relationship because I had nobody to talk to, nothing was getting better, I felt helpless. I relapsed over and over the next couple years, it became an addiction, and now it’s becoming almost deadly. I relapsed in August when these memories started to pop up again and now everytime I get an urge when she comes into my mind, I go deeper and deeper. Im so tired of all this. 

I want to remember what she did to me so I can grow from the experience & help others who may go through similar situations since I have a large understanding of these types of abusive people;

but I also want to erase all memories I have of her. Everything. Even hearing her name or hearing certain words makes me think of specific situations in time & makes me have to leave class or put in earbuds to drown out any noise to try and distract myself. She’s ruined me, and it hurts even more knowing that she’s still doing this shit to other people, and getting away with it. She gets away with it because I’ve been told by my school that I need to keep my mouth shut & never talk about her. If someone is her friend or she talks to people, I have to stay away and just let it go. Meaning she could have another victim right now, someone exactly like me, who’s vulnerable & overly trusting, thinking she’ll be a good friend, and they’ll end up being hurt, insulted, used, treated like absolute fucking shit and they may start to self harm or contemplate suicide because of how negatively it effected them, just like it’s effected me. And that. Fucking. Horrifies me.

Knowing someone else could be in my exact position because of her is one of my worst fears. I dont steal her friends, but rather they usually come to me after a few months. Why do they come to me? Because they see her true side & are smart enough to get away while they still can, because she’s told everyone she could about how she thinks Im the bad guy because I came out about my abuse, so logically when they see her true abusive nature, they come to me to see if I really am what she’s described me as, or if it was all just lies, just like her supposed goodie-two shoes mask was all a lie to cover up her true deceiving manipulative personality.

I can only look forward to the day when she leaves this town and has nothing left, or the day when finally the consequences finally come around and ruin everything she has, so she feels the torture and suffering Ive silently been going through for 5 fucking years. Im not religious, but I pray God have the tiniest bit of mercy left on her fucking soul when her time comes around, because she’s going to need a miracle to get into any kind of heaven with the things she’s done to the dozens of people she hurt.

[gontagokuhara]

im awfully curious to know why u think zoe is a lesbian! could u tell me pls?

since ive been having to ignore more and more “actually, stupid lesbian, zoe is [other sexuality], and NOT a lesbian” asks i have 2 preface this by saying: this is all Headcanons™ but imma be real w yall. i dont care zoe murphy is a WHOLE ass lesbian

anyways here are my main points:

1: the curious case of zoe & evan

• this isnt a “zoe and evan’s relationship was fucked up and heres why” post but listen: it was. • it’s often used to justify bi zoe (still valid! just not my brand or hc for her) but wht i think a lot of ppl just like. fail to realize is that lesbians? really often date men before realizing theyre lesbians? dating a man once (or even many times!) doesnt automatically cancel any chance of a girl being a lesbian• but more on zoe & evan specifically: their relationship simply wasn’t…genuine. zoe’s just lost her brother, whom she’d been receiving abuse from for who knows how long, and suddenly someone comes in and claims to have all the answers as to why this is happening? that already puts this whole situation into a tailspin• the intentions aren’t malicious, but she’s being fed lies about who her brother was and what he thought of her. ‘if i could tell her’ is Vert instrumental in developing zoe and evan’s relationship, and not in a good way. she’s being shown conflicting views of who her brother was against what she knew him as, and so soon after his death and while she’s coping with the trauma she’s being faced with i wouldn’t put her in the best state of mind• more than that though, evan is lying to her throughout their entire relationship. and this isn’t me trying to demonize evan either, but the fact remains that connor’s death and evan’s chain of actions following it are the sole reason he and zoe end up together. so i’d hardly call it a good relationship• correct me if i’m wrong but it’s right before zoe kisses evan that she says “you gave me my brother back.” the start of their [zoe and evan’s] is marked by the lies evan has been telling about connor and it’s solely because of this that she relates to evan (because previously in the show, she showed absolutely no interest in him outside of concern after he’s pushed).• tldr: zoe is (without malicious intent, but nevertheless) being lied to about her brother by evan, and it’s only because of what evan is telling her about connor and how they relate on that front that they enter a relationship in the first place. i’d call it hero worship over actual attraction

2: her wardrobe

• okay the above section was my serious section now this is more descending into joke-y territory but. the fact remains• seeing the show is…truly eye opening in regards to lesbian zoe. first off, not only does connor (known & accepted gay) have pins on his bag: so does zoe! i was so focused on connor’s pins that i didnt take note of what hers were but. having pins on ur backpack is a gays only event• i just reblogged a post about this djcndidjfid but. just take a look at ANY picture of zoe’s costuming. she’s always wearing plaid, or denim, or both. those belong to lesbians• SHE WEARS OVERALLS AT ONE POINT. listen. im not a religious person, but i could truly feel god looking out for me when zoe walked out on stage wearing overalls• she also vandalizes her clothes (“stars on the cuffs of her jeans”). thats a very lesbian thing

3: jazz band

• she plays the guitar in jazz band. • need i say more. she plays songs on her guitar and when she sings along she changes the pronouns to make them gay

4: my lopinion (lesbian opinion)

• i see…a lot of myself in zoe, and i’ll be the first to admit that a decent chunk of my reasoning behind zoe being a lesbian is projection. • outside of that though, zoe being a lesbian just makes a lot of sense. she shows no interest in evan whatsoever until he starts making her rethink her views on her brother. she seems almost compelled to be interested in him because of what he’s doing for her and her family. she has real difficulty accepting things about herself that fall outside the norm (notably, how she doesn’t mourn connor in the way the world wants her to, or how her experience as an abuse survivor is valid even though her abuser had his own issues).• again, all of this is obviously headcanon but! i haven’t a doubt in my mind that post canon, after she rids herself of the disaster that was her and evan’s relationship and begins the process of healing from the trauma she faced, she learns to accept all sorts of things (like the fact that her brother wasn’t a good person to her, and she doesn’t have to grieve in a traditional way for him. that she has been royally screwed over by the people in her life, but that doesn’t reflect on her as a person. and the fact that she undoubtedly, unceasingly, loves girls and girls exclusively)

thanks for coming to my tedtalk. make 2018 the year lesbian zoe murphy rises

[kiddbionicv2-blog]

Gold Soul Alchemy¡

Alchemists put various base metals, such as lead, through a series of processes which refine them step by step until they become gold. Sound impossible? It’s been done. My friend, Dennis William Hauck, author of a magnificent book on Alchemy and personal transformation, The Emerald Tablet, is a practicing alchemist and has done it. So have other alchemists through the ages. But the secret is that alchemical processes are merely symbols for the inner process of transforming our “lead” into our true state of being. By embracing the Gold within, we learn of our Soul and its purpose.

In Alchemy, there are seven basic stages:

Stage I: Calcination

Calcination is a difficult stage that shocks and disillusions us, while it deflates the ego. We feel as if we were being thrown into an abyss of unknowing, being torn to shreds, and then being burned to ashes.

Suffice it to say, most people avoid this process.

Dennis Hauck describes this foundational stage as “beneficial because [it exposes] deeper layers of our essence while rubbing away the false person.” This is certainly what most of us might think we want, but when we’re face-to-face with the process, it is often a frightening thing.

As Calcination burns away the ego’s influence by deflating it, we are without the ego’s protection from the unknown. We may feel like all we hold dear is being threatened, we may be depressed or angry. It’s a death-like experience. Even though this is painful and distressing, we may realize that we’ve outgrown the need to be protected. Calcination eliminates what is no longer needed, including cherished beliefs which limit us.

The essential task in Calcination is to surrender to it, learn from it and allow it to burn away the barriers and obstacles to our wholeness.

Stage II: Dissolution

Just as Calcination represents fire, the second stage, Dissolution, engages the element of water to further the process of releasing unnecessary and outgrown habits and beliefs. Dissolution typically involves crying and feeling lost. After Calcination, the ego’s rigid control is released temporarily, and we may become aware of underlying fears of the unknown, of feeling too much, or of expressing ourselves. We fear that no matter what we do, we will be harmed, rejected, denied, criticized, or annihilated.

The task in Dissolution is to actively accept and express our emotions so that we may access the essential emotional core within us. In Alchemy, the ashes of Calcination are dissolved in water (emotion) to give us the opportunity to connect to our original feeling state before the ego’s protections began.

In this stage, we bring back the emotions, while detaching from the experiences that triggered them in the past. Emotion connected to trauma or painful events get translated as just as bad as the event itself. So we repress them in order to protect ourselves from re-experiencing the original event. But our emotions are necessary and essential to the Soul’s well-being. So they must be brought back if we are to grow and mature spiritually.

In research done on the between-lifetimes states of consciousness (I recommend books by Michael Newton, Ph.D. and Joel L. Whitton, Ph.D.), a majority of subjects reported feelings as essential in the learning experiences between lifetimes. The feelings a Soul has during the after-death “life review” guides that Soul into making changes that support evolvement. The Soul may see that the next lifetime must be dedicated to correcting and rebalancing any wrong that was done against others or itself.

Rejected and denied, emotions become heavy, dark and sometimes even dangerous. We numb ourselves by believing we don’t have unacceptable feelings. But many people are amazed at how much time, effort, and energy they put into hiding an emotion, only to discover that when re-integrated, it makes them feel whole. The fear of being annihilated by an emotion is the fear of feeling alive.

Stage III: Separation

Separation is the stage in which we learn to make wise decisions. This is a level of intellectual exploration, symbolized by the element of air. But it is not a hiding place by “going into our heads” when upsetting emotions arise. Rather, it is a place where we deepen our understanding and appreciation of our emotions and integrate them in the process of making decisions for our lives that are more closely aligned with the guidance of our emotions and therefore, with the Soul’s purpose.

Misusing the intellect by rejecting emotion disconnects us from the Soul because the Soul and emotions are interconnected. Our Souls express through our emotions. Great artists, writers, musicians and other highly creative people could not do what they do if their emotions are shut down. Unfortunately, our society diminishes the value of emotion so those who express themselves passionately are often outcasts. We can perceive this rejection, however, as a confirmation that we are creative, inspired or unique, and we just don’t fit the common mold.

By being in touch with our feelings and learning to make decisions that support our expression, we avoid blocking that expression. This takes courage. It is far easier to stay in a bad relationship or to keep working for the same abusive boss than it is to leave. Leaving means we’re on our own and we won’t be taken care of. Those beliefs depend upon an immature perception ourselves, built on the idea that we have a helpless little child within us, when the truth is that we are adults. So Separation helps us to update old ideas and make wise decisions that release stands in the way of our growth.

Part IV: Conjunction

Alchemy’s motto is “As Above, So Below,” meaning that things of the earth are influenced by the heavens - and vice-versa. Alchemists and shamans seek the balance between the two and from that balance, they effect transformations and healings. The symbol of the World Tree, found in many mystical traditions such as the Kabbalah, teaches that to be whole, we must be connected to heavenly things as well as maintaining our roots in the earth, so the “trunk,” or our life as we live it, becomes a highway flowing between the two.

The fourth stage of alchemical transformation, Conjunction, is related to the heart and to the earth, another symbol like the World Tree of the place where the spiritual meets the physical and the higher states of consciousness may be integrated.

Conjunction calls us to create a new attitude toward ourselves and others. If Separation set the stage for us to quit a meaningless job, for instance, we may be inspired to begin doing what we always wanted to do. In the conjunctive state of consciousness, there are fewer fears, so many of the old “shouldn’ts” are absent, or at least diminished.

We learn to perceive ourselves with more acceptance and love. We see our “mistakes” of the past as “grist for the mill” and necessary for the greater consciousness yet to come. Rather than a value judgment, our previous low self-regard might now be viewed as a self-regulating mechanism that prevented us from manifesting our potential until the time was right.

A conjuncted consciousness takes us closer to being that person we always sensed we could be. However, the work doesn’t stop there.

Stage V-a: Putrefaction

Once again, we must face the ego’s attempt at dominance, but in the fiery Putrefaction-Fermentation stage, the quality, intensity, and source of the experience is quite different from that in Calcination. There, we were alone in our battle with the ego. This time we sense another, higher force assisting us. And although Putrefaction can be very disturbing, and we may be thrown once again into a pit of depression or despair, we also feel supported, even encouraged, in the process. Most people in this stage report the ability to observe objectively even while feeling deep despair and fear.

Putrefaction proceeds until it has “cooked” us enough and we enter Fermentation, whose process is similar to how rotted grapes become fine wine. Putrefaction has leveled the ego so it supports and strengthens us now, rather than sabotaging us.

Stage V-b: Fermentation

In Fermentation, a new wisdom may arise, founded upon the breaking down of former beliefs. In alchemy, the brew must be transferred to another container (the newly developing self), where a catalyst is added to produce the final stages of fermentation (where a new identity and outlook is formed).

In this stage, we must maintain a state of egoless surrender so we can be empty and receptive vessels when the catalyst is added. The catalyst in personal transformation may take any form, but it always includes new insight and even an enlightened view of the self. We may suddenly become aware of why we act and feel as we do. Old ideas and habits may fall away, and we see how much of who we thought we were was based upon illusion.

Part VI: Distillation

“Your feelings and thoughts are the feelings and thoughts of the Whole Universe,” says Dennis William Hauck in The Emerald Tablet. In Distillation, we become far more interested in the greater good than merely in our own. It is the transformational stage where we are spiritually and emotionally mature enough to merge with the collective conscious and unconscious without being overwhelmed. The ego no longer controls us and we can therefore experience and appreciate the mysteries of collective and personal material without the its intrusion.

Distillation creates authentic spiritual experience that embraces the light as well as the dark. (By dark, I mean the mysterious, unconscious, unexpressed - I am not referring to what we call “evil,” which is actually a misuse of the dark.) Many spiritual and religious philosophies teach that our task is to reject and avoid discomfort and seek only an idealistic realm of experience. These ideas only further the belief that when we experience darker aspects of life that we must be doing something wrong.

A distilled person has a mature perception of things. S/he does not expect life to meet egoistic expectations, nor does s/he view it as a devastating disappointment just because it doesn’t meet those expectations. A distilled person works with the Soul, rather than the ego, to create her/his life. S/he surrenders to the higher forces while celebrating and honoring the existence of the lower ones.

A medieval alchemical drawing shows a well from which are emerging the masculine sun and the feminine moon. This depicts the process in distillation of arising from the depths of the lower work into a balanced relationship with both higher and lower aspects of being. Also in the picture is a pelican shown pecking at her breast until she draws blood that she then feeds to her young. This represents the wise choice we are asked to make if we are sincere in our intentions to become spiritually advanced. At some point we are required to make a sacrifice that benefits the greater good. This is not a melodramatic sacrifice for that is no sacrifice at all. It’s just more ego drama. The true sacrifice is one based upon the origin of the word: making an act sacred rather than self-serving.

Stage VII: Coagulation

In Alchemy, a whole person is one who has traveled through all the lower stages: calcination (burning out the ego’s control), dissolution (redeeming the emotions), separation (deciding what’s important) - many times! - and has then moved into numerous explorations of the stage of conjunction to discover the heart. A whole person welcomes Putrefaction-Fermentation, Distillation, and Coagulation, which is where wholeness is confirmed. But even though Coagulation is the final stage, the end is just the beginning. This is no resting place, for it requires more responsiveness than ever before, more discomfort than when we were at varying degrees of unconsciousness, and more vision of how our moment to moment decisions can affect entire universes. It is also filled with ineffable experience that we may never have imagined possible.

Few people reach a point of complete Coagulation. Most of us must continue to go through all of the stages again and again, each time further refining the golden essence within us. Just as it takes miners effort, toil, and time to uncover riches within the earth, our struggles to find our inner Gold are ultimately worth it all.