#i can't promise this is easy just because i sometimes think things are simple which others view as complicated

[cannellee]

HUNTER X HUNTER OMEGAVERSE ☆

୨୧ yandere! alpha! kurapika x omega! reader

— how does he take care of his omega ?

cw : yandere, controlling behaviour, red flags, etc.

I had this sitting in my drafts for a while now... so here it is! just like for naruto and the seven deadly sins, I'll accept requests about hxh (but my main focus will still be about tokyorev!)

MY MASTERLIST: ☆

kurapika is a kind and reassuring alpha. he wants his omega to feel the safest when she's with him, to appear as flawless as possible to make her feel sheltered and in good hands.

you don't doubt him at first, kurapika is always smiling brightly. his polite smiles soothes any worry you might have as if he had everything and everyone under control.

he might manipulate you into thinking you're imagining things if you ever get suspicious of him. he's cautious, very careful about what he does and what he says in front of you. nothing would shatter his world more than see his omega wary of him. that would mean that he failed his task at shielding you from anything unpleasant and his thoughts would torture him if it ever had to happen.

kurapika is overly worried about you, you're so frail and innocent, and he knows how mean and scary the world is, especially for sweet omegas like you... which is why he got his hunter licence. kurapika had to be better, to improve himself so much to the point that no harm could be done to you.

kurapika hates unnecessary violence. you often tell him that he's kind and benevolent and that's why you love him so much. he does feel guilty about how brutally he murders all those people who had bad intentions towards you, he's afraid you'll look at him differently if you were to learn about it, but it had to be done. he would never let anything scary come close to you, he's especially vigilant that he's aware how of horribly people are able to treat soft beings like you. he has witnessed it first hand and he dreads the thought of not being capable of protecting you well enough and seeing you hurt.

kurapika is very rigorous about which individual has the right to interact with you. he's always suspicious if you say you're going out with someone or if a random person talks to you on the streets. he fears them corrupting you so much, he'll glare at them, possessively shielding you away from their gaze by putting himself in front of you, eyes red in anger and chasing them away from how powerful his scent gets. the type of scent which makes you feel more vulnerable than usual because of how bad it affects you. those domineering pheromones of him weren't meant for you and he feels so bad you had to spend such an awful moment because of him.

kurapika will baby talk to you, assuring you you don't need to go out to actually be happy. his terror of losing you grows stronger each day and the simple fact of not having you in his vision field is enough to send him into a state you're the only one able to soothe by submitting and baring your nape to him. you wait for him to scent you, all docile, while you feel his respiration calm down.

kurapika monitors you. he started by advising you certain clothes before straight out telling you what to wear. he's the one cooking for you, he can't have his precious omega hurting herself in the dangerous kitchen. he makes sure to feed you healthy meals so you're always in good shape and keep a strong body. he's putting you to sleep at the same hour each day, sometimes forcibly so because of how stubborn you can be. kurapika knows better than a dumbly cute omega like you. you need all your hours of sleep end of story. if you're persistent, he'll either drug your hot beverage with sleeping pills or coax you into agreeing by promising you he'll take you out tomorrow if you comply right now.

kurapika knows how easy it is for him to make you obey and submit, you're his omega and he knows everything there's to know about you.

overall, kurapika is insanely worried and preoccupied about his omega. he wants both your and his world to be about your relationship only, others can get lost honestly. it's fine if you don't love him immediately, his main responsibility is to protect you, you'll eventually come to love that side of him, he's sure of it. for now, all he wants is to be needed and make sure you never experience anything traumatising just like he once did, and keep that sweet and pure mind of yours untouched.

[sockssketchingshack]

So uh. I never really did an intro soooo

I see a lot of people asking about commissions and I am here to tell you that I don't do them! They stress me out! Sorry but they're Scary. But I do drawing *requests*. Because I like drawing things without any form of pressure to draw them!

Now that's out of the way, hello there! My name is Socrates. But everyone calls me socks.

I am an adult! 18 years old, April 23 2006.

My pronouns are he/him!

I am both a trans man and bisexual!

Things you should know:

I have low to severe functioning autism. Meaning I need help from those outside of my own self. Basically help with my day to day life and for scary situations such as talking to strangers IRL. Or complex decisions such as bank details or that kinda thing. I need others to help me!

That doesn't mean I'm not smart though. I'm mostly slow. I call it rebooting. So if I ever take a while to respond it's probably because I'm thinking about what to say!

I have bipolar disorder. I deal mostly with mood swings one minute ranting about how cute my cat is the next minute crying over how cute my cat is.

I deal with a lot of doctors! Two or more appointments a week! So if I tell you multiple times over a short span of time I can't talk cause I'm going to the doctor's it's not an overused excuse! It's true!

I have severe anxiety. Meaning any communication at all stresses me out. But I still really wanna try to socialize!

I have memory issues.

So if you wanna talk I'm welcome to it. I'm just really, really, shy. And sometimes I'll panic and end conversations out of nowhere. So if you ever wanna talk all I ask is to be understanding and a lil patient.

And if you talk to me long enough I'll grow to trust you! Which means I'll feel more comfortable and calm when talking to you!

About my art:

I love art! But it's hard to do since I have some physical problems. But I do it anyway! I mainly draw things I like or request / challenges I receive. I like to draw my little persona alot because he's simple and easy to draw. I also have a lot of OC's! Ask me about them! I love them all and will be over the moon to share their stories outside of just the art I make of them!

About my text posts:

Text posts are semi common. It's mostly little ramblings or rants. Or just how I'm feeling. But again I mostly posts art.

If I ever interact with you or your posts:

It means I wanna talk to you but don't know how so I just try to show affection with hearts and sometimes if I'm brave enough a comment or reply. But I still really wanna learn to socialize with you!

Hobbies:

Art, cooking, baking, gardening, sewing, video games.

Lastly:

Ask me stuff! Talk to me if ya want! I am lonely. And I love you! And I'm proud of you! Take care of yourself! You deserve it! Bye! Love you!

Things I like (extra bit):

Get ready it's a long lists,

anime!

Any anime really even if I haven't seen it! I have watched a bit of or completed, Naruto, one piece, jujutsu keisen, Ouran host club, black clover, sword art online, attack on Titan, Yuri on ice, one punch man, my hero academia, assassination classroom, food wars, pokemon, the promised Neverland. And a bit more I'm probably forgetting.

Video games!

Any video game really! Even if I haven't played it! But I have played or watched others play: stardew valley, undertale, Minecraft, Roblox, terraria, cult of the lamb, overwatch 2, dead by daylight, Skyrim, halo, rocket League, cod black ops 2 zombies, moonlighter, hollow night, sky children of the light, don't starve together, subnautica, subnautica below zero, alot of different Pokemon games, five nights at Freddy's, astroneer, monster hunters, and one of my absolute all time favorites SLIME RANCHER!

other medias / things, TV shows, books, etc:

Percy Jackson, a bit of harry potter, marvel universe, DC universe, amazing digital circus, don't hug me I'm scared, Steven universe, avatar the last Airbender, we bear bears, and more I'm probably forgetting.

That's all bye.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #285

Despite the fact that the last 10-15 hours were objectively amazing, at the moment, I feel almost unbearably empty. It seems like the weight of it is crushing me, even though emptiness isn't technically supposed to weigh anything. Weird. I have a playlist on, consisting of a few simple songs, trying to keep myself afloat. Honey Trees, by Michael Bell. Taswell, Dreiton, and Aria Math, by C418. Invisible Hand, Champion, On the Beach at Night, and Weep Not, My Child - all by Curtis Schweitzer. I also have in there a song called To Faraway Times, from a game called Chrono Trigger; the version of it I like is done by a person named Malcolm Robinson. Maybe you'd like some of these. Or maybe not. Maybe you can give them a try and find out, if you want to.

…Sephiroth, I don't have a reason to feel this empty. Aside from the things that come with being a queer autistic AFAB with ADHD and C-PTSD, life is perfect. I eat when I want. I have two beautiful, wonderful husbands who love me. 5 adorable cats who love being near me. A plethora of awesome and supportive friends. More games to play and inspiring stories to witness than I know what to do with. Lots of beautiful teas to delight in. A warm house in a safe neighborhood. Clean water to drink, reliable electricity… the list of blessings in my life goes on and on and on. I could literally be here for hours listing them all. But that'd get boring, I'm sure. So I won't.

…I don't know what's wrong with me. It's a little scary, actually. Today, I caught myself thinking again about how nice it would be to just… stop… being. For a while. I haven't had thoughts like that in some time now. If they're cropping up, there must be a reason - a neurochemical issue that can be solved. I just… I don't know what it is. Is it the fact that I woke up to horrible cramps and lots of bleeding? Is it that there isn't enough sunlight for me to feel good? Maybe I didn't get enough sleep? Enough water…? Is there some nutrient I'm missing from my diet…? Is it the anticipation of getting 4 teeth yanked out the day after tomorrow…? Dealing with being in consistent contact with that acquaintance, who likely will never understand that I'm a full human instead of just a walking Google for his use? Some combination of all of the above…?

…

Well. I tried doing stuff anyways. After writing last night's letter, I had a really good Dead Cells run. I made it to the Astrolab again. And this time, instead of getting my ass kicked by the enemies there, I actually made it to the room beyond, called the Observatory. I took pictures; I promised you that I would get pictures in a recent letter, remember? Here:

...I streamed this run on Twitch. On my Twitch stream, I have a couple banners. One says, "Yes, I know I'm bad at this game. Be nice or go away." The other tries to tell people that the chat isn't easy for me to see, so I can't always respond immediately.

...Well... some person on the internet who was watching me fight The Hand of the King said to me that they "don't know why [I] say [I'm] bad at this game, because [I] parry like a god".

...I felt warm and fuzzy at that for a little while, but... then I felt a little badly about it. I tried telling this person that I am not actually very good; I am actually dyspraxic, and so I had to work a little harder to get this far than most would have had to. My progress has been slower than what a person with a normal brain with normal motor functions would have been capable of. I told this person that I still sometimes have instances in which my rhythm and timing are poor, that I still sometimes get overwhelmed and panic, that I still sometimes make mistakes and get overrun.

...Sometimes I still fall. Most of my runs still end in failure. I still haven't been able to defeat most of the bosses without getting hit. Although I did manage to defeat The Concierge without getting hit in last night's run, and that felt pretty good.

...

...I think I am afraid of accepting compliments because I'm afraid that if I do, then it'll set the other person up for having unrealistic expectations of me. They saw me while I was in a flow-like state, having a good rhythm, and being successful; what kinds of abuse might they sling at me, the very moment that I falter or fail to do the thing with the level of precision and flawlessness that they've come to expect...?

...When I think of these fears, I think of my mother. I get the praise from her as long as I can be perfect, as long as I can be someone she can brag to all her stupid little fucking friends about. But the second I slip up, the second I'm not flawless, the second that I behave like a human instead of an automaton, the second that I defy her unrealistic expectations of me, her perception of me does a 180 degree turn, and I go from being "oh so smart", "gosh how reliable", "so diligent and thorough" and "wow so creative" to "stupid", "oblivious", "ungrateful" and "disrespectful" in no time flat.

...I guess I'm a little afraid of compliments because... I guess I feel like it's only a matter of time before I become a disappointment instead. And... in my experience, I've found that when I am perceived as a disappointment, the thing that follows soon after is rejection or violence.

...

Anyway, I got my ass kicked by The Collector at The Observatory. I wonder, perhaps somewhat bitterly, how "godlike" this person thought I was as I was being tossed about the screen, if they were still watching me as I fell. I wonder how quickly their opinion of me changed. I wonder if they decided that they were wrong about me and that I really do suck at this game, after all.

...Or maybe that's just my old childhood conditioning, telling me that I have to be infallible and beyond reproach before anyone will think I'm worth anything. If my childhood conditioning is running the show right now, I must be pretty tired. I'm going to take a deep breath and recognize negative thoughts like those for what they are - abuser propaganda, fed to me in the past as a means to keep me weak, isolated, self-doubting, and easy to control.

...Sigh. It's very lame. But that's okay. We can defy the old things. We can remember what is real and what is good. I can still be perceived as good even when I make mistakes and fall down. And it's only unhealthy people who will respond to my inherent imperfection with violence, rejection, and hate. My worth is not defined by how well I can live up to others' expectations of me.

It's okay that I got my ass kicked by The Collector. It just means that I can face him in the training room until he stops kicking my ass. I'll do the same thing I did with The Hand of the King; every time I defeat him, I'll lower my stats by a single point, until I'm satisfied that I can defeat him, even at a significant disadvantage. Then, when I face him for real, it'll seem easy by comparison.

...I went to bed later than I should have, last night. That's probably not helping matters.

Well. My body was not in a great state when I woke up, in any case. Lots of cramping and bleeding, like I said, which was already anticipated and accounted for. I made the steak. And I made the weird garlic bread.

I seasoned the steak with my usual combination of spices - salt, pepper, paprika, and garlic powder. Can't go wrong with those:

I made mac and cheese, too:

I also made garlic and herb butter - this time with only half the garlic I normally use. I spread it on a handsome loaf of bread, split in half:

From here, I prepared the brie I got:

...This one is a triple cream brie, which means it's SUUUUUPER soft and gooey. And since it's a brie, that means the rind is also edible.

But... two things about brie. Very important:

The first one is that you DO NOT under ANY circumstances want to eat too much of it in one sitting. As far as I understand it, all the soft ripened cheeses have a small amount of listeria in them. And a little bit won't hurt you, but if you eat too much, you'll get a lot of it, and too much at once will take root in your digestive tract and cause problems. I only know this because... well. I stress-ate an entire wheel of brie in one sitting a number of years ago, and after the two-week incubation period, I ended up with a fever high enough to cause confusion and mild delirium. And then everything I ate passed through the other end just chewed - wholly undigested. It was a VERY BAD TIME.

-2513847 out of 10 stars, ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT RECOMMEND.

The second one is, while the rind doesn't taste bad in its unmodified state, if you try to incorporate a whole brie, rind and all, into a sauce, the rind will make your sauce taste like the way ammonia smells. Or at least, that's what happened that one time when I tried to make a berry and brie sauce. I just combined mashed blackberries, sugar, and a whole wheel of brie into a saucepan on low heat and blended them together, and it should have been delicious, but... it very much WAS NOT. It was so bad that I had to throw it all away; it was not salvageable. I concluded that heating up the rind for more than a minimal amount of time makes it weird. Don't do it. It's bad news.

Anyway, so I cut off the rinds from the brie. It's really not bad, especially if there's still a decent amount of cheese attached to the rind:

...It's got a bit of an earthy, almost mushroomy flavor to it. The ammonia flavor is there if you're looking for it; it's not exactly subtle, but it's overridden by the other flavors, usually. It's not bad though, especially if you wrap it in something yummy to go with it, like roast beef or prosciutto or something:

The knife looked like this after I cut the rind off; you can tell it's a super gooey cheese just by looking at it. Mind you, this cheese was still cold:

...The rind tastes a little weird, maybe. But the cheese inside the rind is unbelievably buttery and delicious.

...Anyway, so the garlic bread was baked, and then I put the cheese on it; brie on one side, and muenster on the other, because M and J aren't overly fond of brie:

...We melt it in the oven, and then we stick the prosciutto on top after that:

From there, we cut it up into delicious slices:

...Here's the resulting plate of yummy deliciousness that I put together in order to try to replenish all the iron I'm gonna be losing over the next 10 days or so. I wish I could give you some:

...I kind of... floundered around for most of today. I didn't even play any Dead Cells. I'm hoping to tomorrow. But I've got a couple things to do tomorrow, so we'll see. I talked to a few people on and off. I have a friend in this space who talks to me regularly, and that's always delightful. And I have another friend who sends me heartwarming pictures on occasion; today it was a VERY cute caterpillar!!!

Even on days that feel empty and strange, I still gotta try to remember that there are good things. Even if the present is ouchy, and even if the future seems scary, we still gotta try to hold on to the things that are good. These are the things that give us strength so that the scary things are a little bit more bearable.

Towards the end of the day, I managed to snag a couple nice pictures of the sky for you:

I also managed to snag these pictures of Mogwai chilling out in my lap as I write this letter to you:

...Though I think I'm just about done with today's letter, I'll probably be stuck here in this chair a while; it is currently illegal for me to move, hahaha! Sometimes I wonder if I should have named him "Monkey", because he's always climbing all over me, ahahaha~!

It is a good "problem" to have. 🙂

Though I still feel inexplicably empty, you don't gotta worry about me. I know that states like these are only temporary until my brain sorts out whatever it's gotta sort out. I'll keep trying to take care of my body in the meantime until whatever's going on makes its way out of my system. And it will make its way out of my system; I know it because I've been here before, and I've been in worse spots before. Unpleasant states aren't permanent. You just "focus on what you love, right under your nose" (as The Horse says), and keep solving the obvious problems one step at a time until things turn around.

I'll be okay. And you'll be okay, too, as long as you don't give up hope for a better future. Keep striving for your safety, and for the safety of your friends and your planet and all the people on it, okay? Keep solving one small problem at a time. Keep making kind, good, loving, compassionate choices, even when it feels really hard to do. Keep looking for the magic in things, even if your heart feels heavy. Keep finding the good within yourself, even if you have doubts. And please... stay safe out there, with whatever it is you're doing.

I love you. And I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[ladysophiebeckett]

Regarding your Betty gaslighting arc post (which is awesome. Your analysis is always so on point and makes me see a new perspective every time), another great thing about these episodes is Mario’s comments that taunt Armando. Just to name a few of his iconic lines:

- She changed a night of lust and passion with you, for a simple dinner with Nicolás Mora

- Her only reward for doing everything (running both Terramoda and Ecomoda) was your kisses and sinister caresses and it turns out that they didn’t work or weren’t as effective as we thought

- When he flat out insinuated that maybe Nicolás was a better lover or well endowed (even more so than him) and that’s why Betty was rejecting him 🤣🤣🤣

- “You stopped wanting Marcela and all women because the company’s problems have taken a toll on your desire for intimacy, but if Betty accepted to spend the night with you, would you do it? Armando’s face is priceless here, and also Mario’s because it’s obvious he didn’t buy his response.

Finally, when he tells him to please snap out of it, that he had to come to terms with what he was feeling because even though it wouldn’t solve anything, it would allow him to clearly see just how screwed up he really was.

He even said some useful things to him. He constantly told him that Betty was testing him which she really was. Like you pointed out, she wanted to see if he followed word by word what was written on the letter to see if there was anything genuine about the things he said and did. One of the reasons she rejects him the night of El Meson de San Diego (aside from dignity) is that she had heard Mario tell him that had to do whatever it took to get her back even if it included sleeping with her. So when he told her he wanted to spend the whole night with her, Betty thought that this was part the plan he and Mario had for that night. Also, the fact that he didn’t guess she knew everything after all the things she told him that night is beyond me.

Anyways, I wish I could have the will and also critical thinking skills to make a huge post about Mario and Armando’s talks during this arc.

I love your blog, honestly.

you're incredibly sweet <3 thank u so much. i feel like im talking at a wall sometimes but it doesn't stop me.

i myself am trying to unravel the armando\mario toxic frenemy of it all, bc there's a lot to unpack. is armando that easy to manipulate? (no). is mario some puppeteer pulling all the strings? (no).

mario's taunts aren't helpful but i think sometimes theyre armando's mouthpiece. i think mario's comments are things that armando's already thinking but wont say aloud and when mario says them, it's like he's verifying those thoughts. it's 'oh ur seeing this too, im not crazy'. but mario isn't coming from a good place when he says them, however mario does push armando to continue to pursue her; pushing that armando doesn't need bc he was already going to do that. but mario telling him to do that makes it a cover for armando, an excuse, a security blanket if u will.

the night of el meson de san diego, betty drops anvil hints. from their argument in the office, fm their conversation in the restaurant, to their huge fight outside. she's incredibly passive aggressive about it but she does try to make it easy on him. in her office when he says 'you broke all the promises' and she says 'oh I broke all the promises? I'M lying to you?'---that was a life jacket, that was a gift. but he stutters. he's willing to believe she has something with nicolas and that nicolas is Bad and he's better than nicolas--armando can't think straight bc his insecurities and his ego are the forefront of it all.

armando that night really did want to talk and fix things bc that's how their relationship was before the letter. the desperation in his voice when he says 'i know if we go back inside and talk calmly we can figure this out'\'okay we'll go someplace else, i want to spend the night, all night with you'---he was trying to gain back their emotional intimacy and u can see betty waiver. she misses him, she misses how it used to be but she doesn't trust him or her heart anymore. and to really stick it to him she says she doesn't desire him. another blow to his ego. (that was a lie btw, bc they were going at it outside and also bc she says in her diary that it pained her to reject him bc she needed him too)

going back to the mario of it all, he's a complicated character we all have very differing opinions about. as i said, im still unravelling my thoughts about him and his relationship with armando. but i dont think it's a black and white as it seems. he's just as complex as marcela.

[endlessnightlock]

50 Reasons to Share a Bed: 48) Because I’ll always be the one to patch you up.

Thank you, @thelettersfromnoone <3!

From 50 Reasons To Share A Bed

“I’m sorry to bother you this late,” Peeta murmurs as I let him in the back door as quietly as I can so I don't wake up my family.

He looks terrible. One of his eyes is red and swollen, blood pooling beneath the thin, translucent skin. He holds a rag to the corner of his mouth. I grimace at his wounds but don't answer. We’ll talk when we get to my room.

I won’t tell him I was asleep until a reoccurring dream about him woke me with just enough to make it out of bed and down the steps to the kitchen. My hand landed on the handle seconds before his light wrap tapped against the storm door. Instead of saying all those crazy things, because he's my friend and it's a bit much to tell him I dream about him almost every night, I wait while he carefully pulls his shoes off and tucks them under his arm.

Of course, he never asks how I know ahead of time that he needs a place to sleep, so maybe the dreams aren't so crazy.

After grabbing one of the bags of ice I keep in the back of the freezer for him, Peeta follows me through the kitchen and across the living room, then up the carpeted back stairs of the house that lead to my bedroom above our two-stall garage.

My strategically placed bedroom is the only way I've kept Peeta's late-night comings and going secret. Not that we do anything for Mom or Dad to worry about. It's not like he's my boyfriend or tries to kiss me or anything like that. Not for lack of wanting him to.

I sneak a peek at his battered face from under my lashes as I let him into my room, the direction of my thoughts shaming me. I've wondered more than once what it would be like to kiss him. But my role in his life is a friend, a protector, not a lover. Sometimes I'm so stupid.

"You aren't bothering me. I wasn’t sleeping,” I finally supply, keeping my arms folded across my stomach, careful not to touch him as he moves past. I have to hold my breath because it's too erratic and would be evident in the quiet room. Tension crops up every time we're alone now. I wish I knew what Peeta was thinking. Once I turn out the light and we lay down in my double bed, it's not so bad. You don't have to pretend your feelings aren't real in the dark.

"It's not as bad as it looks," Peeta supplies, sitting on the edge of my bed, smiling ruefully. I hand him the ice pack, which he wraps around the rag in his hand before placing it against his split lip again.

"I don't know why you insist on doing this," I say, lowering myself to sit beside him.

"This money is good."

Sweet, sunny Peeta fights on Friday nights for money. He's never said it outright, but what he's doing has to be illegal. He's big and strong but still has a babyish quality to his face. If you're paying attention, it's easy to see he isn't older than seventeen. When his father died, his mother checked out of life and into alcoholism; he had to find a way to pay the bills. It was that simple, he told me. He could take a few hits. He just couldn't go home to his mom looking like that.

I sigh unhappily. He knows how much I hate what he does. Why bring it up again and again?

I watch him scoot across the bed to his usual place next to the wall. "But I do make a pretty punching bag, don't you think?"

Instead of answering, I turn out my bedside lamp, plunging us into darkness. I don't want to get into all of this tonight. He deserves better, but I can't convince him. I've tried.

In the dark, I find the courage to curl up to his side. "You're not going to stay so pretty if you keep doing this," I whisper. "You're lucky no one has broken your nose yet."

"I won't do it much longer. Promise."

KPKPKPKPKPKP

It's been years. Years and years since I've seen Peeta. Years since I dreamt of him. Years since I knew whether he needed me or not, just gone, vanished. When his life started spiraling out of control, when he was making bad decisions that could only be topped by worse ones and wouldn't do a thing to accept the help offered him, I had to step away.

Yet here he is, sitting on my couch. Several days old beard, too long hair, torn up jeans, and a flannel shirt. A ball cap pulled low to shade his eyes. At least he looks and smells clean in all senses of the word. "You look like hell," I say, dropping to sit beside him.

Peeta groans, dropping his head against the back of the couch. "Same old tactful Katniss, I see."

"Don't be an idiot," I murmur, toning down my irritation and the urge to yell at him. You can do this, I tell myself. He's here. He's safe for now. "Why did you come here tonight? I haven't heard from you in forever," I add.

He frowns in disbelief like I'm supposed to know that. "You called me."

I jerk back. Like I would be the one to reach out after all the shitty things, he did to me. "I did not; I don't have your number. I'm surprised you even have a phone!"

"That's not what I meant. And, while you're at it, can the lecture. I'm still a pretty big asshole, but I've made some improvements. I own a phone. I'm in AA. NA. I've been out of trouble. I've been at the same job for the last two years. So don't look at me like that."

I clear my throat, and that's all it takes for him to dive back into the surliness.

"So give me a fucking break, would you?"

It's on the tip of my tongue to fire something back at him, but I pause and really look at him instead. The wariness in his eyes, the wall he's attempting to keep up despite the cracks springing. An edge of hopefulness in his expression---whatever it was that sent him here tonight and made me dream of him again.

"No, I won't give you a break," I say softly.

"God, Katniss. Why can't you just let go of what we were?"

Or what we could have been.

I sigh. "If you want me to let go of you, why are you here?"

"I don't know," he admits. "But I'm better than I was. Guess I didn't feel worthy of seeing you. Maybe I'm just trying to atone or some bullshit."

"Is that an apology?" I ask, smiling at his defensiveness. There were plenty of times in the past when he was blase about his shitty behavior, infuriating me, pushing me away. He has to care what I think, or he wouldn't behave that way. He knows his best isn't good enough but is determined to push on with it.

Peeta nods jerkily. "Yeah. It is. Not a very good one."

"It's good enough. What else? Do you need me to patch you up? I don't see any open wounds."

He grins at that, and it breaks the tension between us. "No, no more fights. Saved my pretty face after all."

"You remember that?"

"I remember everything about you when I'm sober," he says softly. "I'm sorry for what I did to you. You were so good to me, and I just shit all over it."

This time I'm the one nodding. I want to turn my head and wipe the hot, quick tears away from my eyes before he sees.

"I thought you'd given up on me," he adds.

"I thought I had. Surprised both of us, I guess."

Peeta takes my hand. We don't speak; we just sit together as I try to make my whirring brain slow down. I can't believe he's here with me. I've wanted him back in my life for so long. tonight. Sober and clean, admitting his wrongs. "It's late," he says, squeezing my hand before releasing it. He shifts on the couch, ready to stand and leave, I'm sure.

But I just got him back.

"It always was late when you came to see me," I say, leaning my head against his shoulder. "You kind of turned me into a night owl, Mellark."

I settle against him, putting my arm around his waist. I know this is too much intimacy, too fast with someone who hurt me like he did. But I dreamed of him again, like I did when we were close. I'm terrible at lying to myself; I never take my own advice when my heart's attached.

Tonight feels like a dream. I'm warm and comfortable, and the heaviest weight of my life has eased. Not disappeared because I don't trust him yet. I'll probably wake up any minute, so I'd better keep him with me as long as possible. What if he's gone again when I wake up?

"Do you need somewhere to sleep tonight?" I ask. "For old times' sake?"

[bowtiepastabitch]

at the risk of sounding insane,,, would you mind sharing more about how you gathered your good omens fanfic data. I am similarly curious about rwrb’s firstprince pre/post the movie release this year, bc I think I have noticed trends that were popular but would like some evidence that isn’t anecdotal

Yes of course, no gatekeeping in this household!! So the key is to get really good at using ao3's filtering system and then the rest is easy as pie.

(if this seems oversimplified, it's because my brain doesn't really process what level of complexity to start at and it just makes sense to say everything. I've been told I sound demeaning before. I promise I'm not.)

Step one: Open your fandom page, making sure you're starting out with no other filters on it so you get the best data possible.

Step two: Make a spreadsheet. This is the easiest way to make sure all your numbers stay where you want them to, and it will auto-generate your graphs for you if you organize it well. This is what my fic ratings sheet looks like; the bottom row is an automatic sum of each column, so I can make sure it matches the total showing on ao3.

Step three: Get to scraping. I do all of mine by hand because it's my happy place, so if you're wanting a code that will do it for you then I'm sorry I can't offer that. You can filter by lots of things, depending on what you want to know. This is what a pull looks like for all fics under the good omens tag, with the data organized for ratings and the top ten most popular tags displayed as well.

For more complex data, such as to pull by date, you just filter further. For example, all fics from 2020 would look like this:

^that's the number you want to write down for the total. Here, that's 13,116 works published (updated) in the year 2020. If I want to see how many fics tagged "angst" were published in 2020, then I'll leave the date filter on and add the angst filter as well:

Which gives us 2,448 works published in 2020 under the angst tag. You can also do this the way you would filter for any tag, as well as exclude tags, when looking for fics. You can filter by relationship type, different ships, crossovers, archive warnings, as well as any tag you can think of.

At the top of the filter bar you can have it sort by different benchmarks of popularity, if you're trying to get a feel for what's actually being read, or by wordcount, both of which I find very useful. You can also filter by wordcount, under "More Options," to remove for example any work under 50 words (removes podfics and solely art posts).

Step four: Share your work! I recommend finding a video explaining the basics of your spreadsheet platform and learning to make simple calculation cells and graphs, and then I also use canva and sometimes other online graph makers to give it a little pizzazz when I feel like it needs something snappier. Be aware that ao3 is a constantly evolving site so data can only be accurate to a certain degree, but since we're not sending a ship to the moon on these numbers it's not enough to throw off the statistical significance of your findings. And please, tag me when you do! I'd love to see what you come up with:)

[redwayfarers]

How easy do you find it to write romantic (or sexual) dialogue for your OC? If they are in a relationship with a canon character then how difficult is it to keep these interactions faithful to their established character and communication style?

hi! ty for dropping by! <3 since you didn't specify a dude i will do both of them!! @ubejamjar asked the same thing so here's the reply, with receipts like a true lit graduate :>

for both nika and cass, it's a funny thing. they are both kinda inexperienced in varying degrees, so it shows in their dialogue! but they do it in different ways. i will focus on sexual dialogue here, because romantic one could take forever, especially for cass! nika has one (1) romantic admission in comparison lmao

cassander makes sexual jokes and innuendos all the fucking time, but for strictly funsies purposes; he can't admit to himself that he likes calling his partner daddy in bed directly, so he has to mock it, like a brat he is. here are a few examples from my fic just desserts:

“You’re too old for that. Seen too much. I think I just make it juicier. More acerbic. I’m bittering this old lemon again.” I shake my head and laugh. “Or a blueberry? Are blueberries acerbic? Hold on, I have to google that now.” I look around to where my phone is, but end up hitting my cheekbone into his temple. He is a warm pressure against my back, and his hands are sliding up and down my sides. “I do think this particular blueberry has a case of… blue balls.” Pause. “Please don’t laugh at that. It’ll shame us both.”    (...) Mel shakes with laughter. “You’re a delight, Cassander,” he says between laughs, and warmth spreads all over my chest. Some days I can hardly believe my luck that I met the two of them, and that we’d be here, living together, cracking silly jokes in what feels like domestic bliss. Not that I have anything to compare it to, but still. Then, Mel’s voice goes low, though still chipper. “Do you know how you’d be an even more of a delight?”  It makes me swallow. “Tasting the blueberry?”  “Hmm, not quite yet. I don’t think you’ve been a good enough boy for that, with all your offenses against language in the last 20 minutes.”  I fight the urge to squirm. “You’re really not holding back, huh,” I whisper and he kisses my cheek. His hand slides to my belly and promises to dip lower, but doesn’t. I look down to where his fingers are toying with my shirt. “So, however will I atone for my sins, Daddy ?” I know, I know, I shouldn’t sound so derisive about it, but it comes out as a half-mocking. Oops. 

nor can he directly admit he's extremely virginal in his exile au and in yet another fic, two snakes, one bed:

On my end of things, I’m jelly. I’m boneless. Bonerless and boneless. I can hardly control my breathing and I don’t dare open my eyes. I just came like a fucking teenager. From a simple handjob. Embarrassment settles in and brings out its daily newspaper. There’s something fragile inside my chest that can’t withstand looking at him as he laughs. I can already feel my eyes watering.  I close my legs and turn to the side. “I haven’t,” I whisper. I can feel his eyes bore into my back.  “Never?” He sounds flabbergasted.  “Never. Zero fucking experience. I led armies and could turn into a giant snake but I never had sex. Only me and my good old pal, the hand.” I’m just digging my grave further at this point, but I don’t care. It hardly matters anymore. He’ll mock me regardless. Any second now. 

this is fairly easy to write - as it is close to my own way of talking sometimes - but it is charming in that he's extreme about it, even in his narration, which is always a treat to write for me :> i like pairing him with more experienced people for that reason, so his inexperience stands out. it isn't terribly difficult for me to write those interactions, if i'm in a mood for writing a smutfic, because most of my ocs end up in relationships where their respective communication styles play off nicely with their partner's!

nika on the other hand doesn't have the witty spirit that cass does, and his whole thing is denial about his own feelings, a lot of his sexuality too, even more than simple fact that he's bisexual. his overall communication style is very obtuse and confusing, and he rarely says what he truly means in this very direct way, and even when he does say it, it comes out well and truly.. weird. he is emotionally constipated after all, and very much full of shame. here are some examples of what i mean, from my fics (you) restless son and how unreasonably in love i am with (everything) you (do):

“Do I have something on my… throat?” Artoirel asks, confused, red in the face, and Nika looks at the glass in his hand.  “No,” he says and rubs the side of his neck. “I just think you look better without the cravat.”  “Such are the fashions of Ishgard, Nika.”  “Fuck the fashions of Ishgard, Artoirel.” Nika looks at his own shirt, open at the front, and the length of his white boots. Artoirel follows suit; his eyes linger on the exposed skin of Nika’s chest. “Some of them, anyway.”  “Not all of us can make that shirt look good,” Artoirel comments quietly. “You and Lord Stephanivien, perhaps. As for myself? The cravates are that much presentable.” “Bah, you’re too prim and proper.” Nika puts a foot down. The heels echo in the otherwise silent room like a battle trumpet. It may be the drink he’s had, but his next words come out offensively shamelessly. “I like the way your collarbones look.”  (...) “Let’s go play the piano,” Nika says. His voice is gruff, stuffed to the brim with need and anger and yearning and the drunkenness of the whiskey and the warmth of Artoirel’s skin. “Let’s go play the fucking piano or I’m pinning you down on these overpriced floor covers.” 

“You’re doing it again,” Nika says. “Looking at me so intensely. Like I’m.. Like you’re in love with me, or something.” He laughs, awkwardly. “Are you in love with me, Artoirel?”  Artoirel purses his lips and looks away. He stands up and runs a finger over the surface of the desk. “I am fond of you, yes. That much is obvious.”  “Being fond and being in love are two completely different things!” Nika puts his cup down on the windowsill and rubs his face. “Artoirel, I.. You are not like everyone else. You are dear to me, and I care for you, and–” He takes a deep breath. “I care for you more than I should. And twelve help me, everything else I’ve done feels like– fucking foreplay for the main thing. Which is–” Nika waves his hands around. “All of this.” 

nika and artoirel are a joy to write together because of their very kinds of communication vibes - artoirel being prim and proper, nika being very direct and downright rude, neither saying what they mean but saying it directly anyway. i often joke that they could talk for each other in therapy because of this, and they absolutely could. it sometimes feels like they're the only person who ever understands what the other guy is trying to say :>

[alltimefail-sims]

A story in two parts... 🙃

The Apple Nectar actually ended up being okay quality though! Not too shabby for Lea's first attempt.

As promised, my thoughts on nectar making are below the cut ↓

The nectar making skill is built slowly and gained at a much slower rate than horseback riding, for instance. I'm assuming that's because it's a 5-tier skill instead of 10-tier skill, but Lea didn't level up to level 2 until 4 or 5 bottles later. 🥴

That being said: even a poor, unaged bottle of nectar goes for 55 simoleons. That's a good profit, especially if you're growing your own produce, so it's a lucrative skill right off the bat. Considering that Lea can't get a job because a horse and a ranch are basically a full-time job, it's nice to have a skill that can help pay the bills. I also love the "aging" rack because, surprisingly, it's functional! Hallelujah! I'm so tired of getting a plethora of cute, decorative objects that serve no function or even go as far to allude to an actual skill without providing it (I'm looking at you, woven basket decor items - but more on that later). However, I had no idea how long it took to age a bottle of nectar. I'm guessing it is worth the wait and will increase the price, quality, and potency when consumed...but I'd had a bottle of apple nectar put away for a few days and it still hadn't aged. (I just looked it up and Google says 1 week, which feels reasonable in "sim time." I was worried it would be longer.)

I do wish there were a few more animations while making nectar just so it could be more interesting to watch, but honestly I don't think it takes that long to produce a bottle in comparison to other skills in the game (like gardening... GOD growing and tending crops in TS4 is excruciatingly tedious). Plus, if you have the "rancher" skill, you can sometimes get additional bottles out of one nectar-making session, so that's really nice. Visually, I'd compare this skill to knitting and cross-stitching due to its repetition, and if you're wondering what it looks like... well, the trailer shows it all lol. I don't think there's much to it: they stomp a little, fall, get up, repeat until the nectar is complete. Then they step out, seal the bottle, and the bottle goes into their inventory. There are some pretty funny expressions you can get though (outtake below).

Because this skill's animation is pretty repetitive and simple, I think they should have thrown one or even two more skills in there. After all, this pack is $40. Basket weaving, as I mentioned above, would even used a similar animation to an already existing in-game skill (cross stitching) so I think this would have been fairly easy to implement. In fact, I'm still shocked it isn't a part of this pack. There are some good decorative objects and CAS items that allude to Native culture, but by and large the pack lacks actual substance to represent actively living in these cultures - I think skills like basket weaving or pottery would have been a great way to add substance to the pack AND create an opportunity to talk more about Native American cultures and pay proper homage to their traditions and skillsets. I would have loved seeing elder native sims mentoring young sims in basket weaving like they can do with knitting, for instance... that would have been so adorable. 🥺❤️ It just feels like a real missed opportunity on their part. One recipe (smh) and a couple decorative objects/cas items are a good start, but more could have definitely been done. If modders can implement these things for free, game devs should have no problem implementing these features. ESPECIALLY when you consider the pack's asking price... and I stand by that!

All that being said, I am pleased with this skill and find the animations cute, but it's certainly not intensive enough that they can justify it being the only skill in the pack separate from horse-related skills. (Which, for the record, I don't really count because that's the whole selling point of the pack. Anything horse related should be a given).

I'm not trying to diminish the amount of work it took to animate and implement horses - I haven't experienced many bugs personally, and I know adding an entirely new living creature with customization and personalization is tedious. Even so, I still don't think the full price is justified. Comparing it to Cats and Dogs, I think this EP missed a lot of good opportunities to implement a new career, skills, and gameplay. I even feel like we could have gotten some new dialogue interactions, or even a spiritual/cultural trait related to Native American ideologies or customs (kind of like the child of the island/child of the ocean traits we got with Island Living) but I've yet to see many notable additions in that regard. If this pack was a $20 game pack I think I would feel totally different. I'm having fun, but I would never be able to justify spending $40.

SO... would I recommend it? Honestly... so far, yeah. I would just snag it when it goes on sale for $20 (or through other means. You do you). $20 is the price it should have been in the first place. But I am shocked at how much fun I've been having. The CAS and Build/Buy is really good, maybe my favorite in a while (but I'm into the rugged, dirty, western style quite a bit... if that's not your thing, this pack won't do anything for you). The horses are cool and in my experience after playing it for a few days, they're animated really well (surprisingly... I thought this pack would be 'My Wedding Stories' all over again). I also love this world. It's right up there with San Myshuno, Brindleton Bay, and Windenburg for me.

Coming up: I'll be taking Lea into town- she's a loner, but it's time to force her out of her comfort zone so she can make some friends. (Plus, I really want to see the new dance floor animation haha.)

Like always, if you read all that, I have big big love for you. I leave you with a little kith upon your head (or a respective big thumbs up if physical affection is not your jam).

[katyspersonal]

Sometimes I just can't shake the feeling that "the curse of Mico simps mysteriously vanishing" I half-jokingly mentioned earlier is simply a reflection of the issue of Bloodborne fandom both being small(ish) and having many very talented artists.

Out of all fandoms I've been at, Bloodborne is the one where literally nothing is easier than to see extremely skilled artists banging out masterpieces every week and feel kinda.. talentless? Mediocre and not wanted, even, especially if you have a simple or cute/silly art style. The only ways to combat this dread is to get on the good side of "cool popular kids" that distribute majority of likes/reblogs, or to find your own supportive group of friends. With Mico fans it just is harder because for some reason the fanbase of this character has always been kinda disorganized, and he himself tends to attract people with very sensitive, intricate souls hahah. Thinking back on Mico fans that mysteriously vanished from the fandom like goddamn magic that I used to know, they all had severe self-confidence issues...? AND no network of "the same two supportive mutuals". Maybe that's why so many of them just deactivated or never posted again? Maybe feeling "small" as artists was too much?

Again, not only this character, but the example I am most familiar with because unlike other characters, this one fails to create a "core" if you know what I mean? But THE funniest thing? Situation with art in the fandom reflects how Fromsofts games feel themselves...? The sense of being overwhelmed by something much bigger and stronger than you, feeling your self-confidence crashed and wondering how THE fuck are you supposed to overcome this? This is the other side of being in the community full of a little TOO talented people, really. It just can be easy to feel like you are worse than others and not wanted.

Basically, I don't know who needs to hear this, but if you feel like your skill and talent are lower than everyone else's - treat it like being kinda not very good at soulsborne games as a player, and if you feel like you just can't join a group or create your own to get enough engagement and validation - treat it like not being able to online coop for help! How would you continue playing in this situation? Right, you would study the game, keep trying new tools and practice on your own terms and at your own pace! If you feel this kind of dread, do the same: experiment with the style, designs, characters, ideas and so on until you feel so engaged and satisfied that you just can't quit. Until it becomes almost like addiction and finishing your art ideas becomes what keeps you here. Before I've found the same five people that always like my art I've also been feeling like I just don't belong and my art is worse than that of "actually" talented artists here. So I've kept looking for something within my art itself and discovered a passion: both for drawing characters in the way that captures every single detail (no matter how much it torments me lol) and for depicting absurd amount of references for characters in every single state of their life! This is what helped me to not feel so bad about what art skills I lack, this keeps me engaged even if I stop getting notes and compliments at all, this is what makes how good other people's art is irrelevant because it is about my goalposts now, and I am sure other people who don't feel confident can find their own ""playing style"" but in creativity that'll make it fun!

Just don't quit, okay? Like... no matter how much you may feel that "everyone else is more talented or more supported or both", I promise you can find the way. Just like how you didn't understand how to beat these games at first but adapted in the end. EVERYTHING Soulsborne goes back to a theme of having to overcome a really hard challenge, right? Creativity too, and our self-confidence is under constant testing which I honestly do not recall being the case in my previous fandoms??

[tatchling]

Shipper tag game

tagged by @lunanoc (heathen <3)

What ship were you completely obsessed with when you were a teenager, but now you don't care about anymore?

I wasn't much of a shipper when I was younger? and while I forget about ships, bringing them back to my attention is usually enough for me to go <3<3<3

Which ship would you consider your first one?

Steve/Bucky (mcu version) - I wouldn't say it was my first ship but the one I was really aware I was shipping - before then I really did like uh I think it's Fey/Kurogane (not sure on the names) from the dimension hopping CLAMP thing (where they look for Sakura's wings bits)

Your first fanfic was about which couple?

I had to check XD - An unfinished Steve/Bucky, written in 2015 - tbh I though my first fanfic was a brotherly relationship (no shipping) one, bc that's the oldest I do remember and that is complete

Do you remember the first couple you saw fanart of?

Probably Castiel/Dean? Supernatural was inescapable pre-2011

Have you ever gotten into ship discourse?

Not so much discourse as I got on some anti list for reaper76 for not shipping pure innocent white bread and macho aggressive man versions of the characters lolol

Did you use to have any NOTP or have one currently?

only one through all the fandoms I've been in - Tony/Steve (mcu version only) - I think the comics version is fine, this is a movies only dislike

Who were the couple in the last fanfic you read?

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr probably heihua? OH WAIT NO, it was Er Jing/Wu Erbai & Pan Zi/Wu Sanxing

Currently, do you have any OTPs?

Considering that I rarely ever (if ever) fall out of a ship, and that I both multi ship and rarepair ship (on top of sometimes liking the obvious main ship) there's a trove of ships in my pocket (it would need its own post probably)

Is there any couple that, to this day, you are extremely mad about not getting together?

Nah. Canon is canon, shipping is shipping. I sometimes wish they had but it never goes beyond.

Is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they are kind of interesting?

Uh not really? Maybe Pan Zi/Wu Sanxing, but mainly because the whole thing is nothing but pain and lies and broken promises on Pan Zi so...

Do you have any ship that, in the past, would've been considered normal but now you would be cancelled over?

What is your favorite crack ship?

I don't do crack pairs lmao. Now ask me about my rarepairs and we'll be there forever.

What is the couple you read the most fanfics about?

Overall, either reaper76 or Steve/Bucky - mainly based on the size of these fandoms - more recently it's probably heihua

What do most of your ships usually have in common?

Complex relationships? No easy top/bottom, no simple who leads and who follows. I like them to be difficult but entangled in each other in a way that feels organic and layered and not just smashing random things together

What you absolutely hate in a ship?

If I can't make sense of it. I can make sense of a lot of ships, and I live and have lived in rarepair hell for years, so not being able to make heads or tails of how two characters would fit together means I can't ship them (and that there'll be no point telling me about them)

tagging @shaish, @tiesanjiaoshenanigans, @kelly42fox, @thatlittlemouse @mejomonster aaaaaaaaaand whoever else wants in

[kitzenvoncatzen]

It took a moment. I could feel the universe thinking. Everything stopped just for a couple seconds, then I felt the promised sensation of a new power running through me.

I have no idea what my power is. I mean, sometimes it does something. If I throw a pencil (generally upwards) occasionally it will just stop and stay there, or sometimes it will shoot so fast that I hear a sonic boom. This has happened multiple times.

This general confusion of power is not unknown to the world, there are people whose occupation is literally just to help people figure out what their power is and how to use it. Called "Oracles". Cool name I guess but kinda predictable. I guess I'll have to go see one. It's not that expensive to just find the power's definition.

Maybe it's something like "You can control pencils when thrown" or maybe just "Super fast pencils." I hope it's something cool. I can't really use it if I don't know what it is I'm doing.

Oracles aren't really as magical as they seem. They're more like doctors, although, not like a government certified doctor. It's a job that anyone can get into, it's fairly easy, the only hard part is that it also usually comes with government certified positions as researchers on the powers. Of course there are people with powers that aid in these specific fields, but that's not really relevant.

I call for an appointment. Someone picks up immediately.

"42oracle, how can we help?" (Stupid name) They said it with a rhythm. Like it was a jingle. This made me immediately upset, but I tried to ignore it.

"I think I've got a new power. I just want to figure out what it is." I explain. The cheapest option. I can't fiddle around with a whole training thing, that would cost way too much.

"We've got an opening right now if you can make it in time...!" I really don't like the tone of this person's voice. Way too much energy. Too happy or something. Like in a really annoying way.

"Uh, sure, yeah. Name is..." I give them a name. I start to grab my stuff. Not forgetting my wallet. I didn't forget it this time.

"See you soon!" They hung up. I knew where the building was.

Oh my god. They better not be my actual doctor. I mean, the voice is friendly, I think I'm the weird one for hating it. Ok. Leaving now. Brain not even processing the drive there. As soon as I get there, I see the person that must be handling the phone calls, whose face did not match their voice. It was a big, slightly buff dude with the most magnificent mustache I'd ever seen. I heard him on the phone with the next person though, and the voice was definitely his. Honestly just higher pitch than I would have expected from him. Another receptionist rolls over on one of those wheeled office chairs, which nearly actually falls over.

"Name?" They ask.

I give them the name.

"Ah! Well, Dr. Log will be with you in- Oh! That's him now!" They pointed to the door. I pulled out a 50 dollar bill and put it on the counter. The fact that you can still pay in cash for these things is a clear indication that this might not be the most official place. You know what I mean.

"Hi." A simple greeting from a simple looking guy. Underneath the white lab coat was the most basic outfit ever. Jeans and a white shirt. Basic. We walked into one of the rooms with the oracle equipment, which is just some weird device I stick my arm into.

"So are you like, a real doctor? Like for this job or whatever?" I ask.

"Technically no. I think." He responds as he tweaks with some dials on the device. "I had to take a class for it, but it was like a 2 year thing, and somehow a cheap class. That was about 6 years ago, though."

"Huh. Ok next question. Dr. 'Log' is an interesting name. Question mark." Yes, I said 'Question mark' out loud.

"Funny story actually, my parents were really young when they had me, and also quite stupid to be totally honest, and literally changed their last names to 'Logarithm'. I don't really care now, because I'm used to it and all that, but, I mean, I kinda wish they hadn't. Not that it's a big deal." It certainly was a funny story.

"Why not change it back to something... uh, normal?" I ask.

"Simple answer 'Eh.' I don't really care enough." He answers. "So just stick your arm in here and we'll have it."

I stick my arm in the machine, which is exactly at arm level from where I am sitting. A bunch of pads hold my arm in place, and I feel a bunch of pressure from seemingly random places on my arm.

"Huh. That's weird." He says.

"What?"

"What were you doing when this happened?"

"I was being bored. I was just laying on my bed throwing a pencil at the ceiling over and over again. I actually did manage to get one to stick in the ceiling somehow and now I can't get it back down." There was, like, nothing to do.

"I guess that makes a little more sense. Still not really any sense though."

"What does it say?"

"It just says..." He squinted his eyes and looked back onto the... whatever the eye piece would be called on a microscope. "Throw pencil."

"What?"

"Yeah come look." I pull my arm out and look at the screen where an image of a bunch of symbols appear. Underneath it, it reads 'Auto-Translation' followed by 'Throw Pencil' in a text box.

"What?" I say again.

"I have another one that just says 'ceiling'."

"Huh. Well. Uh. Ok."

That's my power. I have no idea what to do.

[ Throw Pencil ]

Upon spending 10,000 hours doing any task, running, fishing, cleaning, etc you gain a super power akin to the task you have mastered. You’re the only person to have spent 10,000 hours throwing a pencil into the ceiling.

[the-dream-beyond]

Episode 10 - Tapping Into Your Inner Knowing With William Donius

Nik Tarascio 

I'm super excited about today's guest. It's someone who has a completely different and super simple way of tapping into that inner knowing if you've ever wondered, what's next in your life, what you're supposed to be doing, you're trying to solve difficult problems. This guy has just an incredible process. That is so, so simple. It sometimes feels like it shouldn't be that easy. But I really hope you enjoy this one. And I hope you find a ton of value in trying to apply this to your life.

Nik Tarascio 

Welcome to the dream beyond. I'm your host, Nik Tarascio. I'm a CEO, musician and overall seeker of Truth, inspiration and simply put, how to live the most fulfilling life possible. Growing up surrounded by extremely wealthy and successful people gave me unique and unfiltered perspectives of those who have seemingly made it through on the dream beyond we're letting you in on what it really takes to achieve your dreams. What happens when it turns out your destination isn't the promised land you are expecting? How to process the lessons from your past while mapping of course to true fulfillment. Let's get started.

Hey, guys, really excited to be talking with the New York Times best selling author of thought revolution, how to unlock your inner genius, Speaker ideation facilitator and former banker and CEO. He had a recent TEDx Talk unlocking the brain's hidden app, which explains a new approach to brainstorming. And he's been teaching at the Esalen Institute and a personal development workshop called Meet your better half. Please welcome Bill Donius. Thank you so much for being here, Bill.

Bill Donius 

Sure, Nik, great to see ya.

Nik Tarascio 

And I actually wanted to start off on on how we met, because I just find that life has this funny way of throwing interesting people in my path. And you are on the top of the list of some of the more interesting, unique characters I've met. So is that, uh, well, we were both at a conference in New York City. I think you and I had been chatting about where I was getting stuck in my life. And you were like, Hey, do you want to go try something kind of interesting, you want to do this nondominant handwriting. I was like, I have no idea what any of that even means. But yes. And I remember we were sitting on the corner of 34th and eighth on some rooftop bar, overlooking the street. And I was writing what I felt was chicken scratch. And then we deciphered it. And it was basically like my inner voice guiding me through some relationship challenges, what I wanted to do with my life, who I want to be when I grew up, and I can't remember the exact words, but something tells me the idea of me having my own voice was a big piece of that. And sitting here with you doing my podcast is like such a full circle moment. So I thank you for in many ways guiding me here to this and then being a participant as well.

Bill Donius 

Well, thank you for sharing that I I also remember that moment, because it's it's one of the things that really has excited me most about this work that I do is getting to be in those moments with individuals where they unlock something, especially in many cases where that have defined them kept them stuck sometimes for decades. So to be able to break through that in a in a way that's unorthodox, and amazingly simple and easy. And, and even profound in many ways. Is, is exciting for me.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, it was very cool to witness and I gotta tell you, my skeptical mind, was challenging that all the way until the moment where we really kind of picked out things on the page. And I was like, wow, that's not anything I would have allowed myself to even think or feel. So very cool to see that. And I'd love to before we dive into what it is that you even do, I find it super interesting where you came from. And I'd love it if you would just kind of give us a little bit of a background of, you know, your upbringing professionally, where you started out, and kind of leading into what was that first moment in your life where you're like, I made it? I'm successful.

Bill Donius 

Okay, cool, great question. I would say I had the Forrest Gump experience of life and work and business and MIT. After graduating from business school at Tulane University, I really had a number of things that I was interested in. And, but then I quickly found that they typically, you know, they didn't work as well as I intended or I wasn't as interested. I was bored. So I moved on from healthcare, sales to public relations to management, consulting, to television production, to retail food, and did all those things for 11 years before getting into banking. And then was in banking for and something I guess, I tried to avoid, in some ways, because it was my family's business and I wasn't that interested in doing it. But that ended up being the most satisfying part of my career. I did that for 20 years, succeeded.

My father took the company public, we did the that was a went really well for for employees, shareholders for everybody. And then we sold the bank and in banking is basically overbank. So we don't need you know, 1000s and 1000s of banks in the United States. So that was one of the realizations, it's an overly competitive market it and then I was able to move on from that to rebalance my life at age 50. And go into this space that I've been in the last 14 years, helping people like deal with issues that come up and in their life where they're stuck and or just potentially realizing their potential, helping them move through life in a way that is much more meaningful. So that that's been a really satisfying time in my life. And it was, and it says, and frankly, probably most wouldn't say it, but it really overshadowed company, and then the business successes were great. And I guess it propelled me and allowed me I was financially blessed to be able to do this and kind of quit and go in this direction. But it's, it's been a great ride.

Nik Tarascio 

What was the single moment that you feel like you really made it in a business context? I'm really curious where you're like, Well, I really, I really did it.

Bill Donius 

I suppose it was realizing the dream. And the many years of hard work and taking the company public, and finding that that process worked out well. And were able to succeed for shareholders, employees, customers, it was a big success, I guess growing a company eight fold and, and doing really well for shareholders. And that was a, you know, a wonderful moment. And for me, I was lucky that had happened earlier in life. So that was also a plus.

Nik Tarascio 

I'm kind of wondering from the perspective of, you know, some people have these exits in a particular industry, and then they stay in that industry, and they keep doing it. So I'm wondering for you, how much of that front half of your professional career was out of familial obligation? Or for some other reason carrying a torch versus you chasing your deeper calling?

Bill Donius 

That's a good question. I don't think there was a huge familial obligation because I essentially it was maybe the opposite was maybe true, because I avoided joining the bank for 11 years and just wanted to go out on my own, I also didn't want to be that son, or grandson in a family business that is the know, at all, and is 21 years old, you know, so I feel like I needed some life lessons to, to learn, but it was it was really a number of things coming together, I think I gain the wisdom of being out in the workplace, going to business school, being out there 11 years, and really sensing that, that some of my interests were aligning with what the company needed. And my father was getting older and closer to retirement. And we were very, very, very different people. So I don't think I could have worked for him more than five years, which I did. But because we just saw the world differently. We were very good friends. And you know, I had a good relationship, but it was just different differing business philosophies.

Nik Tarascio 

So that's actually pretty great to hear. I mean, I think a lot of the family business stories I've heard, like, even my own I mean, much of it was there to take care of my family. And part of my curiosities against you come out of this, this relationship with the bank, you have this big win, which again, I don't know how many people ever experienced taking their company public. So I mean, it must have been such an extraordinary moment. And how long was it between that? And this current clarity around what your next calling was? Did you already know what that was? Did you already have a sense of that?

Bill Donius 

No, it was it was about another 10 years. So took the company public at age 38. And then at age 48, after putting in 20 years of hard labor, was they the investment banker said, you know, work good, it's probably you've probably got five years, and it's all going to be over. Because something will happen, you'll either buy or sell, or there's, you know, have to leave or whatever is going to happen. And so by at the end of 20 years of, of that kind of work at at 6070 hour, we pace with, you know, we're talking to analysts and PR firms, you know, the institutional markets for 10 years of that I was a little burned out and and so I went to Santa Fe and was on a retreat, thinking about what's next and what the rest of my life The purpose was. And it was in that retreat process using what I also had learned in therapy 10 years before at age 38.

This process of intuitive writing, right brain writing ideation, however you want to call it that I took on that question and said, God, what do I want to do? And what came up for me was sounded at the time trade it was held people was like, that, that's, that's, you know, sounds pretty good. Well, like how and then I got well, you need to consider Teaching the methodology that you've personally used for these 10 years in your life and in business, you need to consider sharing that. And I was still again, like, like, how would that happen? It was like write a book. And I was like, oh, write a book. That doesn't sound that great sounds like more work. And I'm trying to balance my life maybe a little bit more so.

But then that I realized in the, in the, in the following weeks that that registered with me. And that became sort of my Northstar. And I decided to essentially retire early at 50. And head in this direction. And again, I was fortunately financially able to do so. But it just I realized it was a whole nother chapter of my life that I needed to go and do that also involve rebalancing, because I didn't want to be working 6070 hour work weeks, you know, for the next 10 or 15 years, or what have you.

Nik Tarascio 

So you did feel it sounds like you felt a little bit of resistance when this was starting to present the idea to you as it was starting to come through the filters. That's like the you know, Ken, I don't know if I necessarily want to go down that road. What was I love coming into these moments? Like, what was that moment where you realized I have to pick up the sword? And this is my calling, I must do this with my life?

Bill Donius 

Well, that's a great question. Because it is like, you know, the slaying of the ego, right? How do you go from, you know, the CEO job earning, you know, a lot, and doing really well. And being that guy, especially in a, in a net that St. Louis is a small town, but I you know, had stature in St. Louis and the business community I was down. And, you know, I enjoyed the work itself, I enjoyed the customers, I enjoyed that whole experience. And so it did take some time. And I think the key to it was that I had learned to trust, the intuition that I got from, in my parlance, from the right side of my brain, which I associate with the higher consciousness, that spiritual part of the brain, the problem solving part, the part that we get those that we get those messages that can be transformative in our lives, and whether solving a simple everyday problem, or something really big, like, what do I want to do with the rest of my life, I felt as though the weeks went on that that really resonated with me.

So I started putting things in motion that made that so a couple of years later, and then, you know, what it wasn't like I was ever 100% confident, but I felt like there was a strong sense that, that that was my, that that was kind of my North Star, and that it would work out. And that that was my calling. And, and then and then I was the dedicated I guess, and the years after I did 200 interviews with people in the in the lead up to, and so doing the research to or to be able to write that book on that topic that that that really validated that I was on the right path, because I saw even in those interviews, that I was able to help people and that it was, you know, that was useful. And that even a singular meetup of a hour and a half could really help someone get some insight about their life or a problem or an issue.

So I saw the power in that. And I thought wow, to be able to do this every day would be would be wonderful to be able to make a difference, you know, do my small part and perhaps making the world a little bit better place because I check that was felt lucky enough to check the financial box. And although not fortunate enough to have a jet, I'm sorry, I would have been called you earlier, but there was enough to it was enough to, you know, have a good life and then really focused with intention.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, it's been a hard life without a jet. I know it's a bit of a slog.

Bill Donius 

Would have made things so much easier for me, you know, traveling to all these events that I have to go to so. So maybe there is a an idea that I have that I'm percolating with a small team. So who knows maybe that'll maybe that'll kick in and and it'll be possible for kids as they get older and will want to travel more comfortably. So maybe that's still annoying. Yeah.

Nik Tarascio 

I definitely I definitely know a guy who can help with that when the time comes. So your diverge call? Yeah, fantastic. And, you know, I think for people that are listening again, I had the fortune of experiencing this firsthand not even knowing what I was doing. How do you describe what you do for and with people?

Bill Donius 

So I describe it as, as a way of activating the neural pathways to the right side of the brain. And, as is almost inconceivable as that sounds, or an unorthodox as that sounds. It's based on a Nobel Prize winning discovery that Roger Sperry made in and was awarded its Nobel Prize in 1981. On when they were looking at patients through the years, trying to understand brain function, and they were looking at how specifically how to solve for epilepsy. And so they started cutting the corpus callosum, which did completely separate the two hemispheres the left from the right. And they they learned a lot about brain function.

If you want to Google something interesting, if you if you Google split brain patients, you know, cut a split corpus callosum that you'll you'll see those patients struggling to hear in response to the command, grab that pen, you'll see the left hand and the right hand of the same patient, like as if it were two different people. So the the the amazing, and whether this is you know that now sciences, you know, advanced in the years since 81. And people believe a lot of different things and somebody didn't have potentially have debunked this. And they say whether it's metaphorically true or scientifically valid on it's a generally suggest to people just try and judge for yourself, if it works for you.

Great. If it doesn't work, great, try something else that I have about in the in the many people that have taken this to from huge global companies like Hitachi and Kawasaki to small nonprofits to medium to national nonprofits to workshops around the world that works for about 90% of the people that do this. Because if you're an extreme type A, it may be difficult because you have to be willing to let go and trust the process and allow this to happen. Because you have to get your mind into that flow state. Because it's really a thinking tool, much more than much more so than a handwriting tool, because it's still I can show you my handwriting 26 years later, it's still messy, you know, so it's, it's really about learning how to think differently.

Nik Tarascio 

So as you're talking, I mean, a bunch of questions come up. And again, I'm I'm a layman, when it comes to neuroscience and how the brain works, what I think I hear you saying is, on some level that you know what happened for me, that day that we sat down was I was using the dominant part of my brain to try to solve my problems, which is I guess the left side is what I'm doing to do a lot of my rational problem solving. And you gave me access to my creative part of my brain or the other side of my brain that I may not have predominantly used, or I'm not listening to or something to that effect. But you gave me a pathway to it without me even knowing what I was doing.

Bill Donius 

Yeah, and scientists would say that we in and I did a lot, I worked with a team of 11, psychologists, psychiatrists, neuroscientists, in the writing of the book, because I didn't want to write something after my whole business career that was you know, malarkey. And be, you know, laughed at. So I was very careful to make sure there was scientific standing. And then one of those bright guys who studied with whose mentor studied with Roger Sperry, it was at Harvard at the time, and he actually opined, read the whole book have commented, you can add a couple pages into the book.

So scientists know we use all our brain all the time. So I think this is like the difference between, maybe a good analogy would be between, if you've always been a runner, and then you you decide to swim, as a way to supplement your workout, it's, it's, it's, your body's gonna respond differently, right? So it's, it's, it's just a different function. In this case, it's what what it feels like to me all these years later, is that we're activating the brain in a different manner. So for just a moment, if we can just get that activation to occur to, to bounce over to that right side of the brain, which is known to house those functions of intuition, dreaming, problem solving creativity, so all that good stuff is there, it's sort of like we have to be using that sword analogy, we have to just pierce through for a second to get it and then we can run back to the way we typically think and operate.

And interestingly, though, the the most of us 92% of us in the United States are right handed which is controlled by the left side of the brain. And the left side of the brain controls in is known for, you know, mathematic mathematics and reasoning and linear thinking logical thinking, speech, you know, all those things that that put food on the table gas in the car, and, and also, you know, I think can be the definition of the box and in many cases, so, it's no it's no accident that think outside the box is the most overused business hyperbole, because we all say it but we don't necessarily know how to do it, you know, we just do the same thing. Kind of maybe Trying to do it quicker, faster, better, but so it really is hard to get outside that comfort zone. And this process does it, in my estimation about as well as any.

And it's also been applied to the art world drawing on the right side of the brain was written in the 80s. And it still is a fantastic process for those who want to learn how to draw better. And then that is basically you've got to get your brain out of the way to be able to draw better because most of us don't draw any better than we did at age five, you know, so if we're trying to draw an image of a person in a chair, it's, it's not going to be very good. So it's the brains getting in the way.

Because all that we know about the chair, the person, the age is conflicting, with just drawing the damn thing you know, so we don't see it in the way that we could otherwise. And then, a woman that I studied with and was my mentor, Dr. logika, pop Yoni wrote recovery of your inner child. And so she helped launch the whole inner child movement in psychology. So in psychology, this versions of this process had been used for decades and decades and decades, they typically refer to it as intuitive writing. And when patients, you know, have something where it's not working any other way, which was the case for me, and my therapist gave me which he has book and when I was 38. And it really helped crack the code of where, where I was stuck.

And I had already spent a year. And I was saying that my therapist, hey, we need to speed this up, you guys just have a busy job. I mean, I can't come here every week and not see major progress. So which is book really helped me break break through, but it's not for everybody, you know, as you have that suffered some sort of abuse it's in earlier in life, or whenever it's, it's, it's not, it's a tough read, and you're going to put it down and fast. So my thought was, what about all the rest of us in the world who need help with garden variety problems, you know, how to improve the profitability of their company, how to get improve the relationship that hasn't been working well, how to make the team collaborate better, how to be a better human, you know, how to have what's your highest and best purpose, all these big questions in life, or I found her better served by activating the brain differently and getting essentially what feels like a second opinion.

Only the best part is it's not from a friend or a treasured professor, maybe even or a psychologist, but but from himself, you know, it's getting this wisdom from this higher self is higher consciousness is what it feels like.

Nik Tarascio 

So I'm curious to know if you know, how does this relate to fulfillment as you're talking about this. And again, I'm someone that's mostly solved problems in my life, through my rational mind. And I'm really now kind of, in the introspective phase of, you know, I'm after a feeling amount after external conditions, I think I've only recently made sense that that actually doesn't matter how many whatever's I have, or how much money I have, or where I live or any of that stuff. It is a state of fulfillment, peace, happiness, joy that I'm looking for, how does this process relate to that?

Bill Donius 

Great question. And I think it relates very directly to your purpose and what your meaning for life is, like, why are you here? What are you here to do? Or where do you hear that you need to do next? Because maybe you've done you know, 15 different things. And, you know, what's next? What's next for you to realize with the rest of your life in this gift that we have? You know, how do you make the most of it? And in my harlots, I think that the right side of the brain is so closely connected to our souls journey, that it and tapping into that higher consciousness is, is the most direct and, and fat, kind of easiest also, way to go there and get what we need to get to get the self awareness to know why we're here, what our journeys about, what's left to do, why we're stuck, while we need to work on, you know, all those big kind of existential questions or we can get help accessing, and if you will, outsourcing in some ways, maybe those thoughts to the right side of our brain to get that wisdom that we're seeking.

Nik Tarascio 

And as you were doing this, I mean, is that what you had come up for you? And that's why you felt called to do this work? Because it did kind of answer that big, deep search question. Like the Viktor Frankl question, right? It's, it's, we're all looking for that meaning?

Bill Donius 

Yeah, absolutely. Because I thought it was to help finance people's dreams, you know, which was great as a banker, and I was doing that in spades increasingly, you know, more and more helping is the bank room many, many, many more people and that was satisfying. It was great and creating a great employment environment for employees were voted Best Place to Work in St. Louis. So that was fulfilling, doing well for shareholders. I was fulfilling and, and so there was a partner who was like, Okay, great. I'm checking all the boxes like, what else is there? And so it was in that retreat that I pose that cell that question to myself like, Okay, what is my highest and best purpose? What else have I have left to do? Now, if you if you've been able to check the box, fortunately, financially, then it gives you the freedom to go off and do either what you really want to do or what you need to do or what you're called to do. You know, that is, that's fantastic. But I found you don't have you know, sometimes that's the excuse to the Lie we tell ourselves is that, oh, I can't do anything until I've attained this economic success. Well, I've seen in the workshops, I've led it as at the Esalen Institute and other places over the years that that Now oftentimes when we find our bliss, we find our passion that can also lead to great financial success. So we may be trapped in a job that we hate. And no, it's a wonder we're not doing well at it because we hate it. And so it isn't until we leave that and and pursue where our skill sets, talents, and purpose align that we also achieve the financial success we want to achieve.

Nik Tarascio 

Is there a particular story about someone you've worked with that really that one you can share and to it is one of your prouder accomplishments?

Bill Donius 

Yeah, that yeah, there. I mean, there's a flood of things that come to mind, I guess, the most recent because it's the freshest and it was also in it one out who is in in the recent podcasts that I did with the Esalen Institute voices. Veselin was the workshop participant who was working and had been working was trained to work as an oncology nurse and had achieved a high level and great status in that role and was doing really well but unfulfilled in the work, and really did a deep dive to understand why that was the case. And figured out that she really wanted to spend her time caring for the patient, rather than administering the drugs and, and then figured out a pathway to do that.

And so she did all that in a period of a few months. And that was last year. There's also a, a 27 ish year old who was in a job where he was doing really well financially. But he just knew that that, you know, he, the golden handcuffs were kind of on and he was well regarded in the company doing really well. But it wasn't really helping him achieve his passion of being an entrepreneur and learning how to be his own boss or, and so he took the big risk and jumped out into a much more entrepreneurial opportunity and understood what that meant, why he was doing it, and felt good about making a huge change in his life and career and taking the risk and so doing so. And then there's some that have had really successful, there was the gentleman who was a Mensa member, and had been fired five times in his career, and his wife referred him to me, his, she was tired of them getting fired and having their whole life be interrupted. And he was able to unlock why it was with him, that he progressed. And it was typically when he was directly reporting to the CEO that that would happen. And it wouldn't happen prior.

But he unlocked the reason. And the CEO was a proxy for the father figure that that he had in the father that he had, he had completely erased and forgotten, something that happened at age 14, where it was a pretty minor thing in the scheme of things. But that comment from his father, then was very triggering little, you know, decades later in life and was interrupting his career. And just the awareness of that singular comment allowed him to understand the impact it was having on his life. So that's a few, I guess, independent kind of examples.

Nik Tarascio 

And I think the part of it that is quite interesting to me is we're kind of in this world of everyone has these expensive solutions to problems and these massively complex things that just seems like such a simple tool at the end of the day, and I'm wondering, Is it is it the kind of thing where someone could just learn it for themselves and do it on their own? Or do they really need to lean on a facilitator like you?

Bill Donius 

You know, it's absolutely the former. In fact, the reason that I wrote the book and through the lens that I wrote it after those 200 interviews, which I framed it sort of is through the lens of the lies we tell ourselves and that this process is essentially a truth detector, helping us break through where we're held back. So I densified a different lies, it seemed common amongst those 200 people that I interviewed, and the objective was to make it you know, and truly a self help book that you could help yourself by reading it. And there are 54 questions and working through it. So one of the most satisfying things about the work actually, is to hear from people who I'll meet somewhere somewhere in the world, and, or who will reach out and write to me through my website, and we'll share that they did this work, you know, six years ago, 10 years ago, whenever and, and the impact it had on their life.

So, yes, it is. And then there are some that are not able to learn that way. And so they attend workshops, which is great, you know, that's more immersive the workshop in SLN, as a whole weekend, leading one at the modern elder Academy and Baja Mexico in May. And that's a whole week. So people learn in differing ways. And I'm realizing also that experimented last year with a whole digital hybrid cloud set, thinking I'd probably need to do that it was kind of forced on me during COVID, where we couldn't be in person. So I developed videos that with clients, big corporate clients to continue to do the work by zoom. And so it's, it's, you know, it's the good news is it is very relatable, and easy to learn, and easier for Shawn perhaps. But yes, it's, it's a, it's truly a process that is efficient and effective.

Nik Tarascio 

You know, as you're talking, I'm kind of hearing some patterns in what you shared is that it seems like you're one of those people that has throughout your life gone within to allow yourself to steer to the next thing that felt right for you. I don't know if it was in your nervous system, or in your consciousness or what it is. But it's kind of cool to see that after navigating so many different jobs that you talked about choosing to go back to the family business having success, they're finding your way to this thing that as you talk about it, it's like, how did you even figure that out? Right? It's amazing that it was like this Well, of wisdom within you that you've been able to tap into, it doesn't surprise me, it doesn't surprise me at all, to hear that this is what you help people do. It sounds like that is your innate gift, is, you've always been able to go within yourself, even if you've resisted it, and you're helping people get access to the same thing, which I just think is such a cool calling. We're all...

Bill Donius 

You know, it's probably a very polite way of saying I'm an impatient person. But I've not thought of it that way before. But now I think there may be something there because I've always felt like I was able to take what was my Achilles heel, in intimacy and relationships and what I learned in therapy, and overcome that Achilles heel, and then that the process that I learned then has become my superpower. But I really feel like my life really changed and my late 30s learning maths because I was somewhat adrift, somewhat impatient, somewhat bothered some, you know, somewhat a seeker and searching and just it and I guess I was unwilling to accept boredom or unwilling to accept scenarios, work scenarios, especially where I was, felt like I wasn't contributing or doing something meaningful. And if I was just kind of, on that hamster wheel of sorts, like, life's too short, I don't want to do this, you know, for a long time.

Nik Tarascio 

What's the dream now? I mean, you've you've had incredible success in multiple areas in multiple domains, you've had incredible impact on people. What do you dream about now? What, what what drives you through the day?

Bill Donius 

Yeah, so that's a good question, too. I've been thinking about this in the last year or so. And, and I think it's, you know, being open minded to continue to learn and being aware of what else is out there and what other possibilities exist, a new opportunity has opened up in the in the whole grease arena. And I've been invited to I've led a national webinar, and then I'm going to be one of the speakers that have a grief retreat in Connecticut this summer.

So it's helping people understand that intersection, you know, as life and death, and how do we survive bodily death? Where did we how do we grieve? Why are we grieving? How can we turn channel that into something that's useful? Helpful, so that that's of interest to me, also, hopefully finding a way to somewhat institutionalize this process. So it doesn't sort of end with me, you know, that I've already have a number of people that, that I've trained to do this work that in various forms, that I think there could be some sort of digital course that would, you know, exist out there to be able to really build at great, much greater scale, teaching this out into the world, because it's not been happy to go at the pace that I've gone at.

And, you know, I'd haven't really looked at it as a as a money making thing as much as it is a, you know, a passion affirming project. So but I don't think those two things are independent, you know, I think I can get my passion out there more would be satisfying. And rather than doing it, you know, just dial it up on a bigger scale. So I'm looking at those kinds of opportunities, because it, it works really, equally well in the workplace. So these big corporate teams that I work with, in some cases, a decade later, now still use this process, and their managerial meetings and their processes, especially when they're stuck or have a problem.

So and then they and then the other satisfying part has been when they've used it at work, and it works, they've integrated into their personal lives, and they used it to help find, you know, why they're depressed or upset at something or why something else wasn't, isn't working as well. So it really deserves to live in, you know, both the workplace and in the personal development world. So it's how to continue to drive that foreword, I guess, is the is the other part that I'm thinking about.

Nik Tarascio 

I mean, it's incredible to hear just someone to help us process the human experience, right. And we really, especially the I think the depth conversation, which is, and I think a lot of people think that it only surfaces later in life, but more and more, I'm realizing how many of us are trying to avoid the topic, trying to you know, try not to face the topic or dealing with even unpressed, onyx, unprocessed death experiences from childhood, right, losing grandparents, or parents or pets, or whatever that is. So uh, just, I don't know, it's just been awesome to watch what you're doing and to hear more of your story. And it's just, it's such a gift that you're giving to the world.

Bill Donius 

So, I can definitely recommend what helps amplify my paths. And down this in this direction is the book I've since met her at Esalen. She's a New York Times reporter and took a journalistic approach to the topic of death and wrote the Netflix it's a Netflix series wrote a great book that I highly recommend titled surviving deaths. And the Netflix series is by the same name, it's when you it's it's really almost impossible to read her book or watch the series and not come away with an understanding that we do survive. And that there is more to it. We're not just in the ground, and it's over. But it's it's so it's really fascinating.

Nik Tarascio 

Well, I think kind of to sum it all up what what is so cool about what you're sharing to me is that life really is like a Disney movie where like the answers are inside of us, right? It's it just takes that courage to believe our own intuition or to make the space or to learn the skill of being able to tap into that. And, you know, again, I'm just ungrateful to have the time with you and be able to talk about this. And I hope people that are listening, really take this to heart and try the exercise because again, I was very skeptical. very skeptical the first time, Mike, this is silly. I don't see how this is going to do anything. There's expensive, difficult methods to solve this problem. Why would this work? And I did find just so much value. And you know, really unearthing things about my relationships unearthing things about my path in my life that I was unclear about and resisting, mostly because it was fear based. And I would say that what you did with me, allowed me to answer a question from beyond my own fear. And I really was a tapping into my heart, my courage, my gut. That's what that allowed. So I highly recommend you guys. Take a moment to try it. Just check out Bill's book. I mean, there's so much to recap from this, I really feel like the major sentiment, though is that you already have the answer. You may not think you have the answer. And even if you don't, there's a way to get there. And that's really what Bill's work is about is really learning to do something that is so not Western. It's to trust yourself. It's to trust yourself and not need to go to, you know, therapists and doctors and career counselors and all these people that tell you what you should do. There's really an opportunity for you to find out within yourself what you're really called to do, what you came in to do. And I hope that for all of you and Bill just thank you so much my recommended Asians are again, check out Bill's book thought revolution, how to unlock your inner genius. If you're curious to really get some FaceTime with Bill, you could check out modern elder Academy. He'll be down there in May, you could also check out the Esalen Institute. And he's also got an event there in May as well I think from the fifth to the seventh. And man, I'm gonna see if I could squeeze some of that into my calendar. Otherwise, I'm just gonna hunt you down wherever you are in the country just to get some catch up time.

Bill Donius 

It's it's still in formation, but I'm likely leading a workshop in New York City on July 12. For specifically for creatives, writers, directors, actors, and the experience with them, just kind of anecdotally has been so positive through the years that the idea was to, like, really create something specifically for them to help them so that that definitely is I'm gonna try to sleep and so that'll posted there, williamdonius.com

Nik Tarascio 

Fantastic. Well, again, thank you so much for the time this was really lovely,

Bill Donius 

Thank you and I appreciate who you are in the world, how you show up in the world and, and I'm delighted that you're doing this getting the message out there and helping people kind of awaken to their own superpowers and to what's important in life. So kudos to you man.

Nik Tarascio 

Thank you so much. I hope you all enjoyed. Thank you for listening to the dream beyond. I hope that you receive whatever message or inspiration you were meant to get from today's episode. I had a great time recording it for you. If you love the show, please take 30 seconds to subscribe rate and review it. That really helps get the word out. And if you want to connect with me, you can find me at:

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[sw4tch]

haha... this turned into a vent. Do not Read.

I've been getting letters, I haven't actually received them. There's a metaphor there but I can't quite put it in words.

Life lately is slow, and exciting, and overwhelming, and painfully going by too fast.

Life is always like that.

I just want to curl up a little. Spend the whole day in bed. And actually get to rest.

Melancholy traps me and I don't want to be embraced by it. It is hard not to hug back and whisper I'm sorrys to it. Sorry you were right, sorry I'm still here. I'll leave your side soon i promise.

Life has been good mostly. Other than the all encompassing feeling of void inside my ribs, but that's just, been there since forever.

I've been writing more lately. That's always good. But my stories are sad, and they make me cry, and when you squint your eyes they paint a very clear naked picture of me. It's embarrassing. No wonder I can never share my writing with people I care about.

I can only share it with internet strangers that will never know me, and will never get to psychoanalyze me like that.

They'll just read their smuts and their angsts and be satisfied with what i can offer. They won't ask more of me other than more of what i can create.

They don't want me, the strangers on the internet, they don't care about me.

That's incredibly comforting.

They just care about what i can give to them.

It's so comforting.

It's so Honest and Transparent. Makes me feel in control of the relationship I have with internet strangers.

When they tire of me they'll leave and go hound someone else.

But that's always been the treaty, the understanding between us. It's clear and simple and I wouldn't have it any other way.

But I lie, that's the thing.

I thought I'd have more internet friends by now. That I'd have more friends, period. Because when you're a people pleaser like me you also become someone people like to keep around so their egos can be stroked. But... Well, maybe i'm honestly wrong. Maybe I am am a low par friend and that's why I don't have more.

Maybe that's why friends don't love me more.

Maybe that's why no one loves me more.

Maybe that's why I'm not precious to anyone.

The other day I left the office late, other of my office friends were there also going home late. I went to the bathroom quick before leaving, and when i came out no one was there.

No one waited for me.

I went home alone even though I know I share a little bit of my route with some of them.

No one bothered to wait.

Who cares about snaily walking home alone at night?

It's easy to be hurt. But again it's not personal. It's just business.

I'm obsessing over this of course, but that's just because I'm broken in the head. Can't help but think that if i was prettier, more beloved, at least one person would have waited for me.

Being alone is a personal failing you see.

Being alone is a personal failing you see.

Being alone is a personal failing you see.

Being alone is a personal failing you see.

Being alone is a personal failing you see.

copy paste copy paste copy paste for emphasis.

...I didn't intend for this to be a vent.

I just started writing and my heart poured out.

I was having a good day so far, i think.

But writing turns me more honest, at times.

It's good to vent out my feelings though. So the demon doesn't stay trapped in me.

I wish I didn't feel like this though. I know people care about me but sometimes, it's so. It's so easy to forget. I forget a lot of the time. I go days forgetting it.

It's not good. I have to fight it. And for what?

For a happier life of course. Which is always possible.

Love was always there. Love will always be there. Because we are loved, by ourselves, by ourselves, by ourselves.

We wouldn't have gotten so far if we weren't loved.

We are the culmination of so much of our effort, because past me loved you. Past me loved you deeply. And past me will always love you.

Just as much as future you does, my beloved, my dearest, my darling.

[doomh3ad]

arghhhhkahfwkks I LOVED IT SM THANK U FOR WRITING MY RQ <3 i was reading so slowly bc i didnt want it to end LMAO 💀💗💗💗 hes just so 🤕💞

as my second request, please can i have general dating headcanons! as detailed or as simple as you want! i promise ill stop requesting after this i dont wanna annoy or pressure you, you're just so amazing at writing i wanna read all of it!! oh yeah also sorry if i accidentally spam your notifs at any point i promise its an accident-

again, no pressure to write if you cant! and take ur time writing it theres no rush <33

oh and if you wanna request anything from me PLEASE DO! consider it payment for your wonderful writing 🙏🙏 even though itll be so fluffy and ooc ill try my best and ill be happy to write any slasher for you!!

- @tuliptyper

THANK U OMG you're not annoying me in the slightest omg feel free to keep requesting, ur inspiring me and i love hearing from u so thank u sm! don't worry about spamming i appreciate it sm <3 i'll definitely be requesting if that's ok bc i love fluff 🥺 sorry this is so short!

doomhead general dating headcanons!

-ok i won't lie i have a whole post coming that expands on this but he's got the most insane pet names and nicknames for you? he's so annoying he's lucky you love him

-you'll sometimes catch him whispering little romantic monologues to you late at night, when he thinks you're asleep or too tired to care. sometimes he's got quotes from your favourite movies, sometimes it's his own thoughts, but it's the sweetest thing in the world and you can't get enough of it.

-he compares you to his favourite characters, trailing a hand down your cheek and praising you. he's pretty touchy, he'll have his hands on you at most times casually because your touch and your presence soothes him. whether you're in his lap, or he's revelling in comparing your hand to his, it's an easy way to calm him down.

-if you wear makeup, he loves helping you apply it. the tenderness of the moment is eclipsed by his seemingly AWFUL eyeshadow skills. just...trust the process. he also sometimes feels like he doesn't do enough for all you give to him, so this little act of helpfulness lessens that fear a little <3

-he's so proud to have you. he'll show you off to everyone, boasting that you're the one he's dating. everyone look at his hot partner! okay, now stop looking or else he'll kill someone. he's so protective, but tries not to show it. he's kill for you, he'd die for you, you're his whole world. to be loved by him is to know all sides, the vicious, suave killer and your loving, if overzealous partner.

-he totally spoils you - i mean, he's gotta spend that 31 money somewhere, so why not on his pretty baby? anything you ask for, anything he sees you eye, it's yours. birthdays or anniversaries (which he meticulously keeps track of) are AMAZING when you're with him, because he knows you're not just material: he picks something special and dear to you, makes the day meaningful.

-he likes to dance with you, whether it's spinning you to some upbeat song playing on the radio in the kitchen in the morning or slowly, holding you in his arms as he looks down at you and thinks about how much he loves you, how devastatingly beautiful you are.

[clubsmarties]

This seemed to be their normal getting back on track. Where there were no cases and they were able to talk to each other like normal humans. It was the quiet moment he took to look at her features, they were troubled. That seemed to be spelled out the more he looked at her. He didn't break the silence, not since he asked what was on her mind. Sometimes it took a bit for to open up. Words were sometimes troublesome to come across and he knew not to push her. The Canary's mission was a success on paper but a complete disaster in reality. One that he was glad he was able to pull her out from and had kept him from breaking his promise of getting out of there with her not without her.

When she began to speak he attentively listened, eyes and head tilting to the side to give her the necessary space to speak her mind. But when no further words came out he chewed his inner cheek and remained quiet. Bracelet beads dangling from the corner of the pillow. Whatever had her mind in a whirl must have been heavy. Not easily carried along. Still, he waited. The question made his eyebrows furrow slightly as he wanted to say he'd never had been asked that before. The answer to that was not simple. It was complicated and messy. He decided on the simple answer, one that he could find. "I know no one else is looking out for them." Their system was messy which was the kindest way to put it. No one looked out for the ones that needed protecting. Most things went into the cold case piles because no one wanted to tackle them on. No one wanted to seek out truth even if the justice served seemed good on paper. Things like that and the guilt kept him up at night.

He let her take his hand, not looking down at them, in case she wanted to play with them without having his set of eyes on them. He turned his hand upside to let her play with the dangling animals on the most recent one he'd gotten. With a sigh he began, "It is not easy to leave. You saw that when you came along with me. Each time it gets harder and harder to walk out the door and I wish I had an answer for you other than just I don't know how I do it. The easy answer is saying that Annie has a ton of faith in my ability to come back but that's hardly an answer." He has put his niece through so much turmoil it was insane how she still looked at him like she did. How she still believed that he had so much good left to put out into the world. "I can also say therapy helps but again not a great answer. If you want to know if the guilt ever subsides though, that I can say no it doesn't. There's no amount of time that can ever extinguish the guilt. From experience I'm still trying to make it up to them." A shrug followed that and his eyes finally locked with hers for a brief moment. "I think that's it. It's because they love me is why I do it. Why I strive to leave this world a lot less messier than it is for them. They're where I get the strength to keep going when I want to quit. If you want a silly answer," he paused and raised his hand a little bit. "If you believe in spirtual things. Black, white and blue help." He'd never be the type to believe it but it was now three times that they came through for him in dire situations. Most recently getting Liz out.

"I can't speak for them but from what you've told me and the way they care for you. They'd understand. You didn't really ask for my opinion but if I were you. I'd talk to them. It won't take the burden off but it'd probably make it lighter enough so it doesn't consume your every thought. I do guess that's what has been happening?" Not that he thought his case was the same with hers but made an educated assumption. 'Hey," he whispered gently as she let go of his hand, he twisted it gently to grab a hold of hers, without words telling her not to pick at her palm and held her hand. "I wish I had some magical secret that you can get your hands on to make this easier but I don't and I'm sorry. What I do have is a listening ear, two arms to hug and a steady sounding board to lean on in case you feel like the load is too much to carry on your own. I'm here for you." The sincerity in which he said it made his eyes shine a little brighter. "I also feel like they deserve to know the truth and they should hear it from you. Your other option is to tell me to fuck off." He gave her palm a gentle squeeze as a small smile made it's way onto his features.

They'd been back for a couple of weeks after the Canary's and there were still moments where it felt like she hadn't left. She had survived many things but this had shaken her up. So much so that she hadn't opened the office. Let things pile up as she hid away or just outright ignored everything when she was forced to leave her apartment.

It wasn't the fact that she almost died, she had faced that plenty of times before. It wasn't that might have to resort to being her moniker again for someone else, a puppet letting the strings pull her around, she had enjoyed what she did before it would be a welcome re-entry to who she was always meant to be. It was the fact that she had never considered she might not ever see Charlie, Anna, or Orion again until the very moment it had become a very real possibility. Not used to attachments, this time it was all that consumed her thoughts those days she was there alone. Not the pain, that she welcomed like an old friend, not the empty room they threw in, that she appreciated as a respite every time they were done. It was the fact that she'd never see them again. She had done a fine job of shoving all that shit down most days when she finally came back to her place. But there were times, like the night terrors, that it just crept back in, slithered into her mind like a parasite.

❝ I, ❞ she started but as quickly as it started, it stopped. She didn't know how to say it. She wasn't haunted by what was done, she had dealt with worse, it was the possibility of not seeing the people she had run from foolishly. The ones that had cared for her but she didn't know how to deal. Didn't know how to stay. Didn't know how to care back. Her family.

A family she was avoiding because of guilt. Guilt ate her for everything she put them through. ❝ How do you fucking do it? Just go off every time and, ❞ she stopped and ran the palms of her hands on her legs as a lump in her throat formed. She never had people to miss her, to care for, and that mission had made her realize how stupid she had been. They were right there the whole time and had things gone south fast, they would never know, just assumed she had run again. And that kept her up at night as well.

Her eyes began to water, as she bit the inside of her cheek and after hesitating for a moment reached out for one of his hands, playing with the bracelets on his wrist with her other. Knowing where those came from, who had given them to him, how? Why? ❝ You have so many people that love you, how do you do it? Why do it over and over again? ❞ Sniffling she took a deep breath in. ❝ I only have three and I never considered them before. As selfish as that sounds, I never thought about them in what I did or how it would affect them. And now, they're all I think about. It hurts to think, ❞ she sighed, she wasn't going to cry. ❝ what they would have thought of me if I didn't make it out of there. I don’t know whether to tell them or not, seeing as I’m okay now. But, ❞ her head shook and her hand let got of his and she began to pick at a scar on her left palm. There was nothing else to say, she was just confused and unable to process this all.❝ I think I need a drink. ❞ she muttered.

[cactus-stories]

SFW Alphabet Headcanons for Mammon :D

I used this Alphabet List made by @heauxzenji, thanks for the list, it is really nice!

Mammon is one of my favourite brothers, right next to Satan, and I can't say how much I enjoy headcanons about him, I hope you guys like it!

TW: none

A is for Adventure: something they haven’t done but have always wanted to

Definitely rob a bank. I mean, he has tried to, multiple times, but Lucifer has always maanged to stop him before he could do any damage. MC is complaining about not having enough money to buy something and jokingly says "we could always rob the nearest bank". He looks at them, mesmerized, blue eyes shining with expectation, until they explain it is just a joke...

B is for Butterflies: How they act when they’re nervous

Trembles a lot, his voice gets more squeaky and he's looking around for ways to escape. Really fast when running from people and will literally jump out of a window instead of facing Lucifer.

C is for Crush: what is it like when they have a crush? How do they know/act?

Acts like he doesn't care about them, but it's painfully obvious by how flushed he gets and how much he's stuttering. Would try to spend more time with them, using all the excuses in the book instead of just being honest.

D is for Date: describe an ideal date for them

Honestly, a simple day with them, maybe watching a movie or playing games. Snacks next to them and a bunch of blankets and pillows lying around.

E is for Essential: what is one thing they could NEVER go without

Apart from Goldie, I think it's lip balm. Boy's a model, he can't be caught with chapped lips. Most people don't notice it, so when MC starts giving him random lip balm flavours as gifts he treats them like the best thing ever, and make a fuss out of using it in front of them as much as he can (don't tease him tho, or he'll get a bit sad and probably stop it).

F is for Favorite: a favorite anything- food, place, smell, book, etc.

Apart from money, his second favourite thing is his crows. He finds them really cute, and always keeps the gifts they give him. He taught them how to swear and used to have them steal Lucifer's expensive pens before the older brother found out about it.

G is for Giggle: how they laugh/what makes them laugh

He has a really cute and high pitched laugh, and is absolutely not embarassed about it. Boy laughs at everything, can't keep a straight face to save his life, which ends up getting him in trouble with Lucifer often.

H is for Holding Hands: Do they like holding hands? Are their hands warm or cold? Pinky promises?

His hands are really warm, if he notices MC's hands are even slightly cold, he'll wrap his around them quickly, trying to help out. He loves holding hands while linking arms, keeping them as close as possible. Doesn't really do pinky promises, but that's mostly because he trusts them and doesn't need the affirmation as much.

I is for Inside Joke: something they do that everyone thinks is funny but they don’t understand

All of his brothers compare him to his crows because of the amount of times he runs his hands through his hair. They joke about him preening himself and very rarely caw around him.

J is for Jinx: Are they Superstitious?

Not really, he knows the risks of cursed objects and wrongly casted spells, but there's almost always a logical explanation in some book in Satan's room, so he's okay with it.

K is for Kiss: how do they kiss?

Lots of small pecks on their face before going for a longer kiss on their lips.

L is for Love Languge: what is their love language? How do they give and how would they like to receive love?

Definitely gives love via gifts, he can be pretty stingy with his money, so if he buys you something it's a clear sign that you mean a lot to him. Loves physical touch, run your hands through his hair or hug him from behind and he'll melt happily in your arms.

M is for Meant to be: how/when they know someone is “the one”

If he notices their compliments are genuine. Many people use him for his status, ãnd he's used to being offended and used as a punching bag, so genuine compliments are a breath of fresh air, and automatically makes you go up on his personal ranking.

N is for Nickname: a nickname they would have or their favorite thing to be called

Would absolutely use Treasure as a nickname, or Sunshine. He loves being called Pretty Boy, Good Boy, and Handsome.

O is for Organization: are they clean or messy?

Have you seen his room lmao?? Messy bitch and you know it, but he can always find everything he needs in his mess.

P is for Pet Peeve: What’s something they absolutely CAN’T stand?

Anyone making fun of Levi. He knows his brother is very insecure and as much as HE goofs around and makes fun of him, no one else is allowed to >:(

Q is for Quiet: What do they do for peace of mind

When he's stressed out and needs to take a break he plays Solitaire by himself. After MC moves in with them, he goes to their room and jumps onto their bed, watching them study or play games in silence.

R is for Rainy Day: Do they like rain? What about storms? How would they spend a rainy day?

Enjoys rain, hates thunder. Spends rainy days playing games inside, or wrapped in blankets, protecting himself from the loud noise with some loud cancelling headphones Levi lends to him.

S is for Soft: Describe their softest feature

Man is absurdly kind, helps anyone he notices struggling, and will hate it when it gets mentioned. Enjoys just knowing he did a good thing, and always ends up in a good mood afterwards.

T is for Telephone: are they a talker or a texter? How often do they use their phone?

Both, loves spamming people with texts if they don't answer right away. Could spend the entire day on the phone if it's with someone he likes. Alternatively, if it's someone he doesn't like, you can expect one worded messages and call being ignored constantly. He is more used to ignoring problems than confronting them.

U is for Unique: a random quirk they have

Really good with Math and numbers in general. His voice is surprisingly soothing, which surprises MC, considering how much they hear him screaming. It's really easy to fall asleep hearing him speak about something.

V is for Valentine: Are they the type to celebrate or not?

Absolutely, he'd be shy about it, but at the same time would want to do something big. Baby is conflicted.

W is for Wholesome: something extremely pure about them that makes you just *uwu*

How easily he blushes. He could just brush his hand against MC's and is already red all the way to his chest.

X is for Xenia: How they would entertain a guest/show hospitality

Probably the one that gives guests the tour of the entire place, offering snacks and making lighthearted jokes.

Y is for Youth: A fond childhood memory they have

Playing hide and seek with his little brothers in the Celestial Realm.

Z is for Zzz: Sleep habits. Do they cuddle in their sleep? Talk? What do they dream about?

Absolute cuddler, doesn't really talk or snore much. He sleeps naked or with underwear. Usually his dreams are about random everyday stuff, but sometimes he has nightmares about the Celestial War and hurting his loved ones because of his sin.