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saremina · 2 days ago

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Elaborating on my previous post about this because I'm still thinking about Sephiroth and Zack and touch and how they relate to each other in general and I need to purge this from my brain.

I'm not talking about this specifically in romantic or platonic sense so take this as you will and run with it or ignore it. Be free of your constraints etc. etc.

But. Let's start with Zack because Zack is easier.

I think we can all agree Zack is probably the most tactile SOLDIER to ever exist. He's the kind of person who's most comfortable standing so close to a friend their arms touch and he's so used to touching his friends he doesn't really register he's doing it. But I don't think he's unaware of it, or of how people react to it. He may be an ADHD poster boy, but he's not really oblivious to the people around him. He can't be, considering how social he is. So he'll hold back with people like Cloud and Sephiroth who aren't as comfortable with Zack's brand of affection from the start, and he'll play it up with people who put up with it.

And that's important, because it allows the people around him to be comfortable. Zack knows he can be a lot (he's probably learned it the hard way) so he's conscious of how the people around him are reacting to him. It probably borders on people pleasing at times, and it's probably taxing for him to have to constantly watch how he's interacting with people.

But he's still really tactile, so he probably tests limits and quickly figures out what people are comfortable with. He knows exactly how often he can pull Cloud into a headlock and ruffle his hair before Cloud gets actually annoyed. He knows how much leaning against Angeal will tolerate. He knows who he can hug as a hello and who will hold his hand, and who want him to maintain his distance.

He knows it, and he's good at figuring it out.

Which leads me to Sephiroth.

I think Sephiroth would like to be tactile. I think he finds comfort in being close to those he likes and trusts, but he's not very good at it because of the way he was brought up. Being tactile is likely something that was discouraged for him if not outright framed as a weakness (and weakness is not to be tolerated). When he finally meets people who would give him a friendly touch he wouldn't know how to ask for it, how to initiate it, maybe not even that he needs it, he just knows that he needs something.

Glenn helped him in figuring out how comforting touch can be, and then he had years to figure out how to be tactile with Genesis and Angeal. It wasn't a quick process, or an easy one at that. Sephiroth was probably just starting to figure out how to be friends with Angeal when Genesis came along and complicated things for him, and seeing Genesis and Angeal be so comfortable with each other must have stung at least a little because Sephiroth wouldn't have known how to participate or if they even wanted him to join them — if Angeal wanted to be his friend now that Genesis was there.

In the beginning, Angeal and Genesis probably looked at Sephiroth and (understandably) thought he wasn't that big on being physically affectionate. It probably took them some time to figure out that Sephiroth does like it when they touch him and pull him close. It probably took longer for Sephiroth to grow comfortable trying to initiate any kind of “unnecessary” physical contact.

And for years, Angeal and Genesis were the only source of physical (and emotional) affection and comfort of any kind to him, not that Sephiroth minded since they were the only people he was comfortable enough to enjoy it to begin with. By the time Crisis Core happens, they'd likely honed everything to perfection where Sephiroth didn't really have to ask for touch. He'd just stand a little closer than usual and Genesis and Angeal would know he was angling for a hug or a simple touch. They'd figured out when Sephiroth was the kind of tense where cuddling on a couch would help, and when he was best left alone.

And then Genesis was gone without a word, and then Angeal followed.

Even without getting into how much them leaving must have hurt Sephiroth — or how much it must have hurt him that neither of them said a thing to him about it — because he lost his only friends, he also lost his entire support network and source of companionship and physical and emotional comfort.

He was left with Angeal's puppy who's way too loud and excitable, and Sephiroth was back to square one of not having something he needs, except this time he does know what he's missing, and he has no one to provide it and considering the situation he's in, he probably desperately needs someone there by his side.

And that's where we get back to Zack.

Zack is kind of a perfect match for Sephiroth despite them appearing to be complete opposites. He's open with his emotions and extroverted and tactile and easily excitable, his jokes are obviously jokes, he gets along with everyone and he's open with his affections.

He's everything Sephiroth was never allowed to be.

Which, ironically, makes him the person who can push Sephiroth's boundaries and get him out of his shell with more ease than others, because Zack and Sephiroth, despite being so different, complement each other well. They create balance with each other.

The problem is that they were thrown together under bad circumstances and Sephiroth was probably doing an angry porcupine act at the thought of letting another person close — 3/3 attempts at friendship have ended up in Sephiroth being left behind so far, so why go for a fourth round? — and Zack is bristling because Sephiroth was so quick to accept that Angeal betrayed them, and then he dumped Banora on Zack, and then the Reactor. I don't think Zack warmed up to Sephiroth until the Reactor, honestly. By that point he knows him and Sephiroth are on the same page when it comes to Angeal (I don't think Zack cares that much about what Sephiroth thinks about Genesis since he's more neutral on Genesis), and Sephiroth does extend him an olive branch by telling him about how Genesis got hurt and how they used to sneak into the training room.

I think Sephiroth understood that he needs Zack on his side and that they need to be cordial if nothing else, and he's learned enough about being friendly to know this is something that should help with that.

But Zack is really easy to like. And because Sephiroth already knows what friendship is and he probably wants that closeness, it's easier for Zack to slip through the cracks in Sephiroth's walls. It still takes time because Sephiroth doesn't let himself get attached to people easily, but Zack is the one person who has an easier time making that happen than most.

As I said before, Zack is probably pretty good at finding where boundaries are before he crosses them. He'd be extra cautious with Sephiroth because even though Sephiroth wants the kind of casual closeness Zack is so good at, he doesn't show it — definitely not with someone he's just met. But Zack will figure out how tactile he can be with any given person. So he starts small, seeing if he can just casually nudge Sephiroth when he's in the way, or if he can gently bump into him. Then he starts patting a shoulder or an arm here and there, and when he gets no negative reactions, he keeps it up, but he goes slow with Sephiroth and he keeps it light and easy to brush off until one day Sephiroth nudges Zack to get him to move, because that's what Zack always does with him.

Like I said in my original post, I think Sephiroth mimics the people around him because he was never taught how to interact with people in a casual setting — or more critically how to make friends. I think he did the same with Angeal and Genesis; he'd copy the way they touched him when he was figuring out how to go about it, because it was the frame of reference he had for that kind of thing. He knows that tactic works, so he tries it with Zack too when Zack goes from 'a colleague and a person Sephiroth knows' to 'friend', because what if the rules are different with different people? Not to mention Sephiroth doesn't really know how to make friends, and casual touch and closeness isn't something he's used to with anyone but Genesis and Angeal.

I think he didn't really start reciprocating any kind of casual touch in earnest until around the time they went to Nibelheim. I mean if you look at this gif —

— not only is Sephiroth's attempt at a casual touch awkward and slightly out of place, you can see Zack is actually a bit surprised by it. There's a slight shift to him, but he knows what Sephiroth is going for so he doesn't say anything and goes along with it.

And the thing is, if they'd had more time — if Nibelheim happened just a few months later — Zack might've been able to pull Sephiroth away from the library. Because Sephiroth is reaching for Zack; he's comfortable enough to touch Zack just because he can — comfortable enough to offer reassurance and comfort with a touch. He's always looking at Zack because Zack is his (only) friend, and that makes him important. Sephiroth won't stay for a picture because a photographer or a teenage girl ask him to, no matter how much it would mean for them, but he'll stay for a photograph if it's Zack asking.

But the problem is, Zack hasn't realized how big of a deal any of this is. He and Sephiroth are friends, but Zack is so used to having casual friendships that it probably hasn't occurred to him that Sephiroth desperately needs someone he can lean on — someone who he can truly be himself with. And Sephiroth has no experience with the kind of casual friendship Zack excels at; he latches onto the people he labels as friends with everything he has, but the thing is the last time he did that, there was nothing bad happening. He got to grow close to Genesis and Angeal organically over time, he got to settle into those friendships without rushing, and that's what he's likely expecting to happen with Zack too. He's not rushing it because why would he?

Zack, at the time when they go to Nibelheim, is likely doing his best to hide depression himself. He's disillusioned with Shinra and he's had to kill his friend and mentor. Sephiroth has just told him he's thinking of leaving Shinra (and don't get me started on him doing that when Genesis and Angeal didn't tell him they were going; he wasn't going to do that to his only remaining friend (no hate on Genesis or Angeal though))

So Zack doesn't see what Sephiroth is looking for. He's hero worshiped Sephiroth for years — probably most of his life —, and he's got his own problems he's trying to hide, so he doesn't see Sephiroth's attempts at interactions for the desperate need for genuine connection they are. He doesn't see Sephiroth's awkwardness for what it is; someone trying to mimic human behavior because he doesn't know how else to connect with people outside of his two friends who left him behind. Zack doesn't know what Sephiroth's life has been like. He doesn't know Sephiroth is holding on by a thread, because Sephiroth has been trained to hide everything that's not the Shinra imposed facade his whole life and he's still figuring out how to drop that around Zack.

But if they'd had a few more months together? The fact that Sephiroth has started to reciprocate the casual touches would've probably made Zack bolder with touching Sephiroth, and then Sephiroth would've been more confident in his friendship with Zack, and that would have made him comfortable enough to really start dropping the facade he holds up every day of his life, and Zack would've seen the real him.

And the irony is that because of the facade, Sephiroth would understand the front Zack is putting up to hide his own struggles perfectly if Zack just let it drop, just like Zack would understand Sephiroth if he dropped his front.

And if that happened? Zack would have seen Sephiroth starting to break in Nibelheim for what it was, and he would have done something. He would have tried, at least. Sephiroth would have been less insistent on pushing Zack away, too, since they would have been closer and he would have been more comfortable relying on Zack for emotional support. Zack might not have had a ton of experience with genuine, deep connections, but he'd be there and he'd help the person he cares in any way he can, and that's what matters.

But they didn't do any of that, because they didn't have enough time together.

So Nibelheim has to burn, and Zack has to raise his blade against another friend.

#this got so long 😭#and the other 3am post about this was probably enough #BUT #in my defense this has been on my mind #for fic reasons #(but we still don't talk about that yet)#sephzack #zackseph #zack fair #sephiroth #ffvii #ff7 rebirth #ff7 crisis core

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