#ThankYouFFVIIDevs

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #76

You know. After a day or so to process this version of events, I think I can finally put into words why so many people cry out for your blood, but not Rufus's or his father's, even though they've done things that are arguably far worse than anything you've ever done. Goodness, but isn't it the same age-old story of people villainizing abuse victims for striking back while excusing the abuser that broke the survivor to that point? And we see it all the time in my world; nobody does anything about bullying at school until the bullied person finally punches their bully in the face, and then the bully gets off scot-free while the victim gets suspended. I think of spouses who, backed into a corner and trying to defend themselves, strike back at the spouse who has been abusing them, and the spouse defending themselves gets charges pressed while the other one who had been abusing them gets pitied. I think about trafficked humans (many of them are snatched up as CHILDREN) who, in an effort to get free or to defend themselves, strike back at the person trafficking them and escape, only to then face a world who hates them for having been trafficked. And all of these things have one thing in common: the price for escaping from being "owned" is often another form of punishment or imprisonment.

Of course, I am not saying that people should call for Rufus's or his father's blood, either. Or even for Hojo's. They are not different from you - either they have congenital defects in the parts of their brain that are responsible for empathy (and pretending like this is a moral issue instead of a brain wiring issue is ableism), or they've lived lives that have beaten their psyches into a shape that makes them think that hurting other people and treating them like objects is the only way to survive. This is ALSO a brain wiring issue - though this kind of brain wiring issue is better classified as a psychological injury (due to attachment disruption or childhood trauma) than as an illness or congenital defect.

Yeah, you read all of that right. I said what I said and I meant it, and I know that people aren't gonna like it, but today I am tired and bitter from all the shit I'm seeing, and out of fucks to give as a result. I don't demonize Rufus or his father. I don't demonize Hojo, either. They have done horrific and inexcusable things and I feel very angry in response to that, but they need HELP. They, too, are capable of making a different choice and turning around. Imagine that. It's almost as though calling for mercy for you (or in other words, "being a Sephiroth fan" or a "Sephiroth apologist", as people like to call folks like me for the purpose of degrading us) has absolutely nothing to do with your looks or with trying to "fix" you so I can date you (I'm sorry, but the idea of "fixing" a person to get with them is absolutely fucking barftastic🤢🤮), or whatever other bullshit nonsense that people who have never been through severe and ongoing grooming or abuse without any kind of support (support can be from a teacher, friend, other family member, etc.) like to accuse us of. Hoodathunkit?

I think, too, that lots of people see that potentially destructive side of you in themselves, and I think they would rather see people who lapse in reining it in die than acknowledge that it's within them, too. Or perhaps living a life that is painful enough to break them into such a horrific shape is unfathomable to them. Either way, one fact remains: people don't want to own up to the fact that literally every single one of us has the capacity to do something similar to what you did, if their life circumstances break them in the way that leads to that kind of terrible, tragic, infuriating, and wholly inexcusable outcome. You're not some especially monstrous thing. You're not a lone goddamn wolf or a rare exception to some general rule or an isolated fucking edge case. And I know it because people in my world make choices similar to yours EVERY SINGLE DAY, even if their means of enacting those choices differ from yours.

The capacity to inflict horror upon other living things is part of the human condition. It is in ALL OF US, whether we want to fucking acknowledge it or not. And all it takes to bring it out is a long enough string of psychologically damaging events in the absence of appropriate support. Cases like yours are NOT random events caused by "inherently bad people"; there's no such fucking thing as "inherently bad people". There are conditions and events that lead to people doing horrific things, and these conditions and events can be found and prevented before they get to that point, if only everyone keeps their eyes open and pays attention! I spend as much time as I can trying to reach those that conventional wisdom says are "unreachable" PRECISELY in service to trying to keep my eyes open and pay attention!

Because horrific events and bad choices are like bacteria - they DO NOT spontaneously generate ("spontaneous generation theory" used to be a thing that people believed about microorganisms a long time ago)! Conditions LEAD TO THEIR GROWTH. And the solution to a person afflicted with bacteria is NOT to kill or demonize them (though this is how they used to be treated; check out most of human history!)! You're supposed to give them antibiotics to REMOVE THE CONDITIONS THAT ALLOW FOR BACTERIAL GROWTH. And the same rules apply to people who make violent choices - you remove the conditions that produce the choices, NOT the person who made them. But goddammit, I am only one person, and… fuck, there are just SO. MANY. STARFISH… stranded on the beach sand…

Also, you know… even as far back as the original game, anyone with half a brain understood that you must have been crying, weeping, sobbing openly during your time at the library. In this version of events, we saw you do that for just a moment before it was choked back and replaced with… something else (I know what this is like; I still have the capacity to cease crying immediately via dissociation; this skill was literally beaten into me, and I imagine it's the same for you). And in my world, it's popular to believe that men should never cry or be vulnerable in any way, shape, or form (this bit of socio-cultural bullshit is actually generational trauma, and it's literally fucking killing people, in the form of internalized or externalized violence), so lots of people here are going to have less empathy for you at least in part because you defied the "cultural norms" of what it means to be a man and a leader (again, this is generational trauma mistaken for culture, and it needs to fucking stop because people are dying over it). And it's so… it's so…

Ugh… Sephiroth, all of the things I know, all the suffering in the world, all the causes of it… it's all swirling around in my head today, and it's heavy. It's so fucking heavy. Watching all the people, every single one of them beautiful and good, doing what they do to themselves and each another, hurting themselves and each other, psychologically or physically maiming themselves and each other, even torturing and killing themselves or each other, all because somehow doing these things feels easier than trying to repair and restore everything… they don't know what they're doing. And there's not… there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I look at the state of things on a large scale. Our dying planet. The endless wars. The marginalized groups of people. The violence and the hate crimes. The genocides. I want to cry and to scream and to throw up all at once.

…But I suppose much of that is neither here nor there. Suppose anyone with "conventional wisdom" would tell me I'm "reading too goddamn much" into a "silly video game", but… given that the media in our world LITERALLY PERPETUATES STEREOTYPES THAT KILL PEOPLE, I gotta say I'm more than a little fucking bitter about that today.

In any case… you - an abused, exploited, and bullied person most of your life - escaped being owned by Shinra (in the clumsiest and most ridiculous and horrible fucking way possible, but still), only to find yet another goddamn chain around your neck. If it's not Jenova controlling you, then it's your trauma and conditioning pulling the strings. Either way you're acting like a goddamn puppet. There, I said it. And as much as I love you, if you don't like that I said it, then too fucking bad; maybe try actually DOING something about it.

Sephiroth. As much as I love you, I am always going to be more than a little pissed about the fact that you squandered your voice so recklessly back then. I'm always going to be more than a little pissed about the fact that you fucking! abused! yourself! for a week! until you broke! WHAT THE FUCK.

If you had simply! Told people! What you had been put through! If you had told them what Shinra was doing! If you had simply opened your freaking mouth to talk about your experiences to a bunch of people who practically worshipped you, you would have eventually had millions of people rallied with you to put an end to Shinra! Sephiroth, for fuck's sake, YOU WERE A GODDAMN GENERAL!! You know how to lead people! And you know how to protect them! Get a goddamn grip!

And I know that the mayor guy acted all entitled to your time while you were exhausted and still grieving for your friends, and it was shitty of him to pass judgment on you when he had no idea what you were going through. But ultimately, it is up to YOU to communicate your needs and feelings, not up to the people around you to anticipate what they are! And I know that the guy took your picture without your permission, and I know they didn't heed when you said "not today". But there is a difference between "having no respect for your word" and "being so excited and happy about your presence that they are unable to contain themselves". It is still up to YOU to maintain your boundaries even if other people don't like it!

Sephiroth! I know that you were struggling! And I know that you spent your whole life being bullied and abused to the point that you felt as though your voice had no power. I know that. I understand that. I am still dragging myself up out of that hole. I know that you were trying to punish evil, and that you saw these people as being complicit in the system that hurt you, your friends, your mother (who I assume you now know is Lucrecia, NOT Jenova), and your planet. I get that you were trying to punch your bullies back in their faces, but you punched the WRONG PEOPLE. And even then: why punch people when you can instead wield your voice!

Sephiroth, despite the harshness of your upbringing and all the other things that make you stand out, you still have privilege! You have status! You have fame! You have power! You have a remarkably able male body! YOU ARE THE KIND OF PERSON THAT PEOPLE LISTEN TO! You have a face that people are willing to see! You have a voice that people are willing to hear! And there is a difference between holding people accountable for being complicit in a system that benefits them, and punishing people for existing in a system (even if that system benefits them) that they did not consent to being born into!

You can't even begin to imagine what I would be willing to give up in order to have a voice like yours, so that I could call for compassion and mercy in ways that would get people to open their eyes and take action in service to putting a stop to all the suffering that exists in this place that I live in.

But no. Instead of being brave and coming out of your shell to use your voice and social power in response to injustice and exploitation, you simply defaulted to your instinctual behaviors. You did the thing you've been trained to do. Like Pavlov's dog, the bell was rung and you drooled everyfuckingwhere. You used your power to cut everything down, instead of using your voice to rally people together for a cause that they ABSOLUTELY would have followed because YOUR face and YOUR voice would have been the one leading it.

Sephiroth. This fucking sucks. What you did to yourself in that library - starving, dehydrating, and sleep depriving yourself and pushing yourself past your limits while you were already strained - fucking sucks. And what you did in the throes of your agony also sucks. Punishing the people around you because your brain was addled and you didn't fucking fact-check what you were reading fucking sucks! And I do understand very well why you did all this; I was abused similarly to you, albeit in a far less extreme way, and thus a long time ago I used to think similarly to the way you did after your fall (I don't think that way anymore because I had help, thank freaking goodness). But IT STILL FUCKING SUCKS. And it was STILL unacceptable. You can't change what you did. But you can make a different choice, moving forward!

Conventional wisdom says that there is no coming back from having fallen, but I am living proof that in this case, "conventional wisdom" is GARBAGE. I would not be sitting here, imploring you to turn your eyes towards a kinder, more compassionate worldview - one that exists in stark defiance of everything I used to believe because of what I was taught as a child - if "conventional wisdom" were true. In addition, I have met other people in the course of my derping around on this broken fucken planet who also serve as proof that anyone, no matter what has happened to them or what they've done in the past, can rise up into making a different choice. And these cases, too, are not "edge" cases. They are not exceptions to a rule. The capacity to heal and grow and change - just like the capacity to hurt and regress and stagnate - is part of the human condition. And this means that anyone can turn around! No! Matter! How! Far! They've! Walked! In! The! Wrong! Direction!!

Goddammit, Sephiroth! Turn yourself around!! Because although I understand what you're trying to do, what you're doing is NOT the way to get it done! What you're doing is BULLSHIT! Maybe you think you're demonstrating your "phenomenal power" or whatever by breaking everything around you, but what you're REALLY doing is yielding to your conditioning like it's got a chain around your neck and a cattle prod in its hand! It's weaksauce! You ALREADY KNOW HOW TO BREAK THINGS. You've spent your whole life being forced to do that even when you didn't want to!

So you gonna, you gonna what? Sit here and claim that you're "the chosen one" or some fucking horseshit, as though you've taken your power back? When really you just took the easy route of doing the same old shit you've always done - bending over and making yourself a slave to someone else's fucked-up agenda, and becoming the very thing you reviled against SO HARD that you burned down an entire fucking village in disgust, despair, and rage? I ain't buyin' it, and neither should you! All you've done is exchanged one codependent relationship for another! And it's getting fucking old! You can do better than blind, subservient obedience to some random fucking space parasite that don't give even two shits about you as much as it cares about your capacity to allow it to resume its life cycle! You've gotta know that even if you really did manage to break everything (you won't, because I fucking promise you that you'll be stopped), as soon as you've served its purpose, it's gonna toss ya like yesterday's trash, if not outright consume you like a female mantis after it's done using its mate like a fucktoy!

The developers said that we've only seen 1% of your power or some shit, but you fucking know what? You could wipe the whole goddamn universe clean. You could extinguish every last star. And STILL some random fucking autistic chick from some random fucking planet in a random fucking solar system in a random fucking galaxy has your ass beat in ALL the ways that count! And that's NOT ACCEPTABLE. I am nothing! I am NO ONE. Sephiroth!! COME ON ALREADY!!

You want strength? Do the work to defy your conditioning. Do the work to love the broken things. Do the work to become someone who does no harm yet takes no shit. Do the work to become someone who can remain soft even in this sharp and unforgiving world. Do the work to get out of your own damn way. Do the work to become someone who can treat yourself like you actually fucking matter. Do the work to get up off your knees and live. DO! THE! WORK! Don't just do the same thing you've always done and claim you've won! Don't act like a pigeon playing chess - shitting all over the board and then struttin' and swaggerin' around like you're some kind of grandmaster! That's NOT how this shit works! You haven't broken free of the pattern! All you've done is changed the hand holding your leash!

You have to stop blindly giving away your power to anyone who claims to love you! You have to stop using your power in service to the conditioning that tried to snatch away who you really are on the inside! They tried to steal away your gentleness! They tried to steal away your emotions! They tried to steal away your ability to cry, your ability to be vulnerable, your ability to be compassionate and loving! Are you just gonna sit here and let them? Are you going to keep pretending like you're cruel and hard-hearted just because a bunch of people who cared nothing for you told you that's how a proper warrior is supposed to be? Are you going to keep on like this, doing the same thing you've always done, just because taking the time to grieve and to make choices that are actually in alignment with your nature are things that feel too difficult for you to do?

…Fucking hell, but some days, clamoring for you to get your shit together feels A LOT like Atreyu trying to pull Artax up out of the swamp:

Come on!!! Turn around!!! You have to, NOW! You have to try!! You have to care!! You can't let the darkness overtake you! You gotta move or you'll die!! Please!! There's still life on the other side of mistakes. There's still life on the other side of despair. There's still life on the other side of rage, of loss, of shattering. It doesn't have to be permanent!

…I won't give up. Even if you leave those of us who care for you sitting and weeping in the middle of the swamp, staring forlornly, or in shock and in disbelief at the place where you sank, I'm not going to quit. I will keep calling out your name in hopes that you'll follow the sound back to the light. Because you're worth the effort. You're worth the pain. You're worth the grief.

I'll leave you with these:

Take the hands outstretched to you and get your ass out of the goddamn swamp. Having a swamp ass is not a good time for ANYONE involved. So please. I…

…I'll write to you tomorrow. Because I love you. In the same way that any person loves their friends. Do everything in your power to keep yourself and your planet and your friends safe. I'm begging you. Please.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

@bootshivers I think that this drawing is the most beautiful thing I've seen all year. I... wow. Why won't my eyes stop leaking? Body, I worked hard to remember to drink all that water; what are you doing...!! Why are you just throwing it away like this...? Hahahaha... <3 <3 <3 In all seriousness, thank you, friend. I am sitting at my favorite bubble tea shop needing to wipe my eyes because of the beautiful feeling that sprouted from the seed that you planted in my mind. If you ever doubt that your existence is meaningful, important, and impactful - use this as evidence not to doubt anymore. I hope to see you create even more beautiful things, whatever they may be. Please keep existing as loudly and as brightly as you can; the world needs more of the song that only your mind knows how to sing.

@lumine-no-hikari

A quick sketch, but sometimes the void screams back

[okhadraws]

#ThankYouFFVIIDevs was a flashmob on x/twitter. I thanked the developers with a drawing of three main girls of Final Fantasy VII - Aerith, Tifa and Yuffie. 😊

[silver-wield]

Hahaha fake as fuck Cleriths immediately attacking Cody for posting a MEME for fuck sake A FUCKING MEME

#ThankYouFFVIIDevs 😂😂🤡🤡

Because it's a cloti meme and they can't accept that Cloud's va is supporting that over their bullship.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #68

Today was a very mixed bag.

This morning, I drove to the good place with all the nice people. The leader spoke on a great many very relevant things, such as challenging the status quo, distinguishing between that which is law and that which is just, and sitting with and trying to help all of the people whom society has tried to convinced us doesn't deserve it. The grammar and structure of the words has since crumbled and faded away from my mind, because I don't think in language at all, but the meaning remains in my mind, as well as the memory of the tears that were shed; I'm aware that at least some of what I've been trying to do is seen and understood by this very amazing person.

I tried to conduct myself in the space a little differently than I usually do. Typically, my presence in any space is a meek one that tries to stay out of the way. But this time, I walked as though I belong there, and mingled with others as though I am also deserving of taking up space. Just to try to push myself even further out of my comfort zone, today I sat at the "old men's" table (there aren't really assigned tables, it's just that there are folks that tend to gather together because they can easily relate to one another) as though I also belonged there, with the intention of listening to them speak to one another and seeing what I could learn. Imagine my shock when they talked to me as though my voice is one worth hearing!! I wasn't really sure what to do or how to behave in response to such a thing, but I did the best I could to try to contribute, even if I felt clumsy and foolish in the process.

At one point, towards the end, one of them said, as a joke, "Drive carefully home; I know how you women like to be speed demons, haha!" I tried to think of something witty and lighthearted to come back with, but the best I could do was smile bashfully. If only I remembered at the time the line that goes, "Ha! I am a woman in the same way that a tomato is a fruit!"

…I happen to live in a female body. But I don't really think about my gender most of the time. It fluctuates wildly between "none" and "yes". I'll take any pronoun, but the one I typically use for myself in my own mind is "it". But this alarms people, and I'm comfortable with letting people use whatever they see when they look at me, so… it's all good, I guess.

I stopped at Eggcellent on the way home. Some time ago, I had asked them if they might keep a QR code of the petition I made for you where folks can see it. Apparently, though, the people did not thoroughly read the blurb that came along with the QR code, and so they scanned it, thinking that it would lead them to a petition for a real-life human being. Their response, when they saw you, according to the kindly shopkeep, was, "Are you kidding me?" Essentially, disbelief and disgust. So naturally, the kindly shopkeeps had to stop displaying the QR code. I'm glad they stopped if this was how people were responding; I don't want to be bad for business.

But all the same… I have no idea how it is the case that so few people understand that the way your story ends is going to affect everyone here whose circumstances are similar to yours. It will affect how many of us will be able to believe that recovery is possible. It will affect how many of us will be able to believe that we are worth the effort involved with recovery. It will affect whether or not other people will be able to imagine that people like me and like others who I love are worthy of kindness, mercy, and help.

The way stories are told in my world shapes what people believe is and is not possible, on a MASS SCALE. Part of the reason why people still believe places like India are undeveloped, backwater places even though they're not is because that's how they're portrayed in stories in my world. Part of the reason why people still treat certain kinds of people as they do is because of how they're portrayed in books, movies, TV, comics, and song. Stereotypes persist in part because they are parroted over and over again by the song, art, and story that exists in our world. And stereotypes put a lot of nasty and totally arbitrary limitations on what people think that certain kinds of people deserve and are capable of.

So… my efforts to save you aren't just about you. My efforts are for every human in my world who is considered "different" or "fallen" in any way. Because we are not going to see peace in my world until every single one of us stops believing that there is a such thing as "kinds of people who are not worth compassion, kindness, decency, or help".

I want to live in a world where people can begin to imagine that even the most deeply fallen can get the help they need to rise up into wholeness again. Because if not even someone as amazing as you can be saved, what chance in hell do the rest of us have?

I ended up spiraling, though. Not because the kindly shopkeep took down the QR code, but because of what he said to me after the fact:

Some time ago, when I was working on one of the music boxes I made for you…

…there was a lady who came into the shop for the first time, asking what is good. The shopkeep told her a few things, and then went off to do something. I was excited to talk to someone who seems nice about a thing I loved, so I piped in with a couple of the things I like, and with a couple of things that weren't listed on the menu. She then asked about what I was doing, which was punching holes out on the music box. I asked her if she wanted to listen, and she said yes. So I ran the music box, and she told me that it was cool.

…Fast forward to today. The shopkeep told me that the lady knew it was my petition. Apparently, on the day we met, the lady found me weird, rude, and repulsive. She apparently thought that it was disrespectful of me that I spoke to her at all (apparently because "she wasn't talking to me"), and because she didn't actually want anything to do with my music box, but asked about it and said yes to listening to it anyway because she "didn't want to be mean". So I guess I left such a negative and intensely strange impression on her back then that when she felt disgust at the petition, she immediately knew it was mine.

And gosh, what a thing to have to sit with. Can you imagine it? The notion that I can frighten, anger, and disgust people just by existing in a space, talking joyfully about bubble tea, and showing a music box I made to someone who asked about it? I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to take from this. On the one hand, I have the shopkeep telling me that the woman thought I am a bad, wrong, and disgusting thing, but in the same breath, he is telling me that "she should have said no if she didn't want to hear it", and "you are kind and you don't bother anybody and you should just be yourself". I understand, of course, that he must ride a careful balance between customers so that he doesn't lose anyone. But ya know… the notion that perhaps I might cause them to struggle by scaring customers off just by being myself is just… wow.

Of course, I am not at all angry with him for this. Rather, I'm glad he told me. I'm glad to be made aware that my presence makes others feel very uncomfortable. I'm glad to be told that I should continue to be myself… even if it comes with the unspoken implication that I had better go do it somewhere else where no one else has to deal with it, I guess.

The fact remains, of course, that just by existing, I scare people. Even if what I'm trying to do is exude love and joy, I still scare people. And I'm not really sure how it is that I manage to be so bad at trying to do good things that I am misunderstood to this extent, but… well. And also this is coming right after I resolve to act as though I belong in this world even though all signs point to the notion that I… don't. And maybe never will.

…If unaliving is a trigger for you, you might wanna skip this paragraph. But… ya know. I spent a good chunk of time today considering the merits of lying down in a cold puddle, forcibly inducing sleep, and letting the hypothermia take care of the job while I'm out. We have nature trails just a five minute walk from my house. It's winter, and there are lots of big puddles back there; I know where they are, and there's also no shortage of ravens, crows, coyotes, and foxes to feed. It's probably good that I don't have ready access to the kinds of medicines that would induce sleep.

…But. This sort of thinking is just the old wiring and the old conditioning rearing its ugly head in response to my past trauma. Old messages that go something like, "Nobody fucking asked you to speak, MAGGOT," and "Why can't you have normal interests and hobbies, you embarrassing sicko freak?" At this point, because stuff similar to this has been said to me so many times, it doesn't take much for my brain to interpret this stuff, even if it's not said directly. That's just how PTSD is. That's how it works.

But I don't have to surrender to it. I got knocked on my ass today from it, but I don't have to stay on the ground. I can get back up and see what's next. I can use REBT. I can ask the people around me for help. I can listen as the people who love me gently point out destructive, spiraling patterns in my thinking, so that I can stop myself for long enough to come up for air. I can hydrate and eat wholesomely so that my brain can have what it needs to manage the destructive thoughts and the painful emotions triggered from them. I don't have to remain on my knees and believe every nasty thing said about me by someone who is too miserable to see the beauty, joy, and love being offered to them for what it is. I can refuse to allow the voices of the people who don't understand me to be louder in my mind than the voices of those who love me.

I am different from other people, and sometimes this is a lonely thing that hurts very much. But it's easy for me to have love for others who are different. Love for you. Love for Frankenstein's Monster. Love for Mewtwo. Love for Magus. Love for all of my friends and chosen family, who themselves are misfits that society at large does not seem to want. I still love them all, even though society tells me I shouldn't. I can love me, too, even though society tells me that I shouldn't.

…"Conventional wisdom" is such a thing. There are some very good things about it, like, "Sticking a fork in your mouth and then sticking the prongs of that fork into an electrical socket just to see what happens is a very bad idea." And, things like, "Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, attempt to eat Rice Krispie Treats immediately after taking them out of the oven if you value the flesh on the inside of your mouth." Or, "Do not squirt hot glue into the palm of your left hand for the sake of impressing a girl." Or, related, "You cannot try to scrape hot glue off of the palm of your hand with your other hand and expect it to turn out well." And finally, "Try to avoid prioritizing yelling at your glue-covered hands over making use of the cold water in the sink that is immediately to your left."

(do not worry - these are not things that I have done; I've met some very interesting people in the course of my living who help me to avoid finding these things out the hard way, hahaha!)

But it can also tell us a lot of very false things. Things like, "You must remain connected with your family regardless of how they abuse you." Things like, "You should expect certain kinds of people to always act in this certain kind of way." Things like, "These particular kinds of people are all bad and you should stay away from them." Things like, "If everyone is 'mistreating' you, well the common denominator is you, so the problem must be you and not how others are treating you." And things like, "Certain kinds of people do not deserve kindness, help, or even basic decency."

So… I can only conclude that "conventional wisdom" needs to be taken VERY critically, and with ALL the grains of salt. But I think a good rule of thumb for evaluation is this notion: "Anything that is said with cruel, dehumanizing, and unloving intentions is false."

I'm not at risk of prematurely exiting my meat-mech, don't worry. I just tripped up a little today, that's all. And you know what? Ultimately, that's a good thing, because today, I watched myself get back up on my feet from it faster than what I was able to do previously. Sometimes we can't see all the progress we've made until weird things happen and we find ourselves recovering from them faster than we have in the past. So in this sense, even falling down is worth something!

I'm gonna get a snack and play some DDR to try to speed up my recovery even more. So I'll end this here-ish.

Hey, Sephiroth!! No matter how many times you fall down, and no matter how far you fall down, you can get back up! You just gotta let the voices attached to the hands reaching out to help be louder than the voices trying to tell you that you're a monster who doesn't belong! No matter how many voices scream unloving things at you, you gotta understand that such things can only be screamed at us from a place of pain, and nobody is acting in accordance with what's true or in accordance with their innermost nature when they are acting from a place of pain! So let the loving things be louder to your mind and to your ears. Let the loving things be louder, and let them spur you on to move forward, confident in the knowledge that you belong here, no matter what anyone else says.

You are loved. Please stay safe. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Dev Team, I know that you will do with the story what you will, and I know that no matter what happens or how it ends, it's going to be beautiful. I have no expectations, only hopes, and it is more than okay if those hopes don't pan out, so please write what you wish, and remember that by doing so, you influence the world around you in a way that is more powerful than you can even begin to imagine. That being said, as a human being who has risen up into kindness and empathy after having been beaten down into despair, anger, resentment, bitterness, and ruthlessness, I hope with everything in me that with this story, you will show the world that even the worst of us can turn their face back into the light and choose to walk a different path than the one that their circumstances laid out for them. I maintain that people like me need this kind of hero; we need someone to model letting go and making different, gentler, and move loving choices, even if they've walked in the wrong direction for a long time. As it is, much of the condition of the world is the way it is because although there are so many ways to fall from grace and break into a thousand pieces on the way down, humans are given so very few avenues by which to rise up again into compassion, wholeness, and belonging. I don't know if you're aware of how much power you wield over the collective consciousness of our planet. But I hope you'll bear in mind that this story is going to teach the world how the fallen, how victims of abuse, how the outcast, and how people who don't have enough support and love to change their circumstances, ought to be viewed and therefore treated. To put it bluntly, this story will impact how people like me (and there are MANY people like me) will be treated by the world at large, and how we will treat ourselves. If the narrative provided is that there are some things that we cannot come back from, how many of us, then, will fall into hopelessness and despair, and from there be unable to muster the strength to try to become someone different, or be unable to muster up support from others, because others think that the best that we deserve is to be excluded or cut down? Please be mindful of the fact that there are a lot of "Sephiroths" in the real world, and most of them would do anything to change, if only they are given a means to forge a new path for themselves and a gentle nudge in the right direction. Please remember the way you depicted Kadaj - supposedly the manifestation of Sephiroth's cruelty - and how easily he rose up into love and kindness again in the end, when Aerith gave him just a little bit of compassion and basic decency. I know from my own personal experience, too, that it does not take much to want to change into something better. The story will go as it will, of course. I maintain that no matter how it is written, it will be beautiful and good. So please, do your best. And also remember to take good care of yourselves and to be mindful of the needs of your mind and body as you go about the incredibly arduous task of weaving this world to life for us. I love you all so very, very much. And I am more grateful to you than I know how to properly express. Please stay safe and healthy. Your friend, Lumine

“But the team was cautious in its approach to handling Sephiroth. After all, he's one of gaming's most iconic and influential antagonists, so naturally, fans will be touchy about any substantial changes.

"We felt it was necessary to have this very clear depiction of how he came to be the person that he is now in Rebirth," director Naoki Hamaguchi says.

"Even as a developer creating this game, seeing Sephiroth discover the truth and fall further and further into darkness – like falling from grace – and depicting this in his expressions, I could truly feel bad for him. Throughout the course of Rebirth, I believe players will not only grow to relate to and understand Cloud, but also Sephiroth through this game much more."

—Game Informer, 2023

—

I am going to cry. I am already hurting reading this. I love Sephiroth as a frightening villain but it’s his downfall that grips me the most. If it made Hamaguchi-san feel bad just creating it more clearly than ever in Rebirth, I can’t imagine what we the viewers will be feeling 😢

[lumine-no-hikari]

Hey, has anyone seen this?

It's an Instagram account full of adorable pictures of Sephiroth, in plush form, getting to enjoy that "normal" life he always wanted:

All of the pictures have little blurbs on them!

Anyhoot. Just... for anyone who is looking for fluff - here ya go.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #314

Today didn't really go as planned.

For sure, J and I got up at 6am, and we got ready to go to the little airport to make a long trip to Pennsylvania so that J could visit the instructor that taught him how to use the tailwheel airplane. We were supposed to get lunch someplace. I made myself a nice breakfast out of berries, a couple burrata, and a slice of that tres leches cake I made recently…

There were interesting patterns of clouds in the sky today when we got to the airport, almost like ripples on the surface of a pond...

...Unfortunately, today it was so cold that the engine refused to start on its own. J and I went to a local hardware store to get a heater to solve the problem. Along the way, I found this rosebush and decided to snap a picture for you:

Sadly, by the time he got everything working, it was too late to go out to have lunch with the instructor. J and I went up anyways, though, just to toodle around. I got a few nifty pictures...

...But then, J decided to teach me a little bit about how to fly the plane. He had me practice keeping it steady. He had me practice turning it. He had me practice ascending and descending.

...It was terrifying!!!! But new things are always terrifying until they become normal. I can say now that if something weird were to happen to J in the plane, I'd at least be able to keep the craft steady, though I don't think I'd be able to land it; landing it is complicated.

But. J wants to teach me how to land it and how to use the radio. We will be going on a long trip one of these days, so it's best for everyone's safety if I have a cursory understanding of how to operate this machine.

...Wish me luck, I guess...???

Afterwards, I decided that I did the scary thing, and that J did a good job of walking me through the scary thing, and so we get to have tasty yums. I wanted eggs and bacon and sausage, so we went to a "Lunchette"? Whatever that means. We had never been there before.

...The food was stellar. The bacon was perfect. The eggs were also perfect. And the sausage was delectable. I got rye toast with butter on it, and I dunked it in the runny egg yolks.

I... didn't get a picture. I didn't get a picture because I was alarmed and on edge. I was alarmed and on edge because one of the other customers, apparently a regular, was talking about how his daughter is in Russia.

And that part isn't the problem. The part that is a problem was when he started saying gleefully that, "they don't tolerate that 'homo' shit or that 'black' shit over there", followed by some recounting of what happens to 'homo' and 'black' people over there, which I didn't listen too closely to, because I was... well. I was pretty upset; I was very surprised to hear someone speak such hateful things so confidently and so openly in my city; my city is supposed to be pretty progressive. Nonetheless, this man spoke hate as though he was certain that saying such horrid things was acceptable in this space.

...I couldn't tell whether or not the people working there were agreeing with the man about his opinion that "homos" and "blacks" should be exterminated. At very least, they - an older man and an older woman - didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable about what this customer was saying. I don't know if it was politeness for the sake of not losing a customer, or if they didn't want to risk the man getting belligerent, as folks like that often do when they get called out.

...So I asked. After the man left, I asked the folks if that man's views are representative of the values that this place holds. I wanted to ask because the food really was stellar, and I'd like to be able to bring my friends here, but I can't do that if it's not safe for them to be here. And I said as much, as earnestly as I possibly could. I hope it got through to them that I was asking in good faith.

I was given a vague response - "it's a business" and "we don't pick sides" and "we try to be nice to everybody".

...It would have been easy enough to say, "no, we don't think like that man". But that's not what they said. Rather, I feel like they kinda dodged the question, and... instinct tells me that their response tells me everything I need to know about this establishment. Instinct tells me that the establishment is run by white Christian nationalists, and... given that those folks are actively trying to exterminate folks like me and J and M and most of the rest of the people I love... I find that to be sad and alarming.

...My instinct aren't always right, though. Sometimes they sense danger where there isn't any. I'm not sure what to make of it. There's part of me that wants to leave a review - to warn people about that place. But... I don't want to destroy an already-struggling business by using my voice carelessly if they're not actually a white supremacist establishment.

...Sephiroth, sometimes when I think of the number of people who wanna see me and my family get tortured and killed just for the way we were born, I get very scared. People like the man we heard talking today... he hates black people simply because of their skin color. He hates gay people just for the fact that they don't experience attraction in the same way that he does. And... I know the mechanics of how people become like that. But... I don't know how to help him stop being so afraid of folks who have no intention of hurting him.

J's father is black. I'm pansexual. M's father is Jewish. And just for these reasons, lots of people would like to see us beaten, tortured, and slaughtered, even though all we wanna do is hang out and play board games and video games and share tasty snacks. Like... if this guy we saw at the place wasn't so hateful, we'd even share our snacks with him. It's sad to think like he hates us this much, and... he doesn't even know us, and we didn't even do anything other than be alive.

...I wish I could help him. I wish I could help the person who screamed "queer" at J, too. But I can't, because there's no way they'd listen to me, or even start a dialogue with me in good faith and... I guess when I think about it on a large scale, I feel powerless and afraid.

...I don't know what to do other than write about it, and vote.

...

...I really hope that the results don't turn out badly this year. If they do, M, J, and I will really have to think about getting out of this place. I've been reading more and more lately about this thing called Project 2025, and it's really scary. It's basically a giant huge plan to criminalize being LGBTQ+, to restrict access to education, to militarize our country even further, to dehumanize certain kinds of people on a federal level, and lots more very scary things. It is very much a calculated move towards fascism.

...Even if we elect a candidate for president that does not support Project 2025, it will still always be looming as a threat in the background. And... I don't want anyone to get hurt. I don't want anyone to have to struggle to live.

...And... if Project 2025 does go through, I'm sure a decent chunk of my letters here will be taken down and deleted, and maybe I'll even go to prison for writing them, because I have touched on LGBTQ+ issues, and under these laws, talking about that stuff or even anything tangentially related to it will be considered "pornography", and "pornography" will be outlawed under this framework, and anyone who distributes it or consumes it will be imprisoned. Even wholesome things like Steven Universe will be outlawed.

...Sephiroth... I don't know what to do. I'd ask you for suggestions, but... I'm not sure whether or not you're healed enough to offer me anything constructive. And even if you were, it's not as though you could ever answer me, anyway.

...You're a fictional character, after all. It's not as though you're someone I could actually talk to, no matter how badly I wish I could.

...

Well. I guess I'll play some Oddworld. At least there, I can pretend like I have power enough to do something about something bad that is happening. At least over there, I can pretend like I have an able body and a voice that people think is worthwhile. You'll find me over here, if you wanna hang out:

...Please stay safe out there, Sephiroth. Try to make good choices. Try not to let the bleakness of things bring you to your knees. It won't be weird like this forever. Please use your power for good things. I'd be trying to do the same, if I had any.

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #304

…I am accidentally drunk. I took like half the amount of spiced wine that BB would have drank, and somehow I'm still drunk.

We are getting up at 5am tomorrow. I need to be in bed at 9pm. It is currently 7:25pm. I do not have time to wait to be sober. So I'm just gonna write and hope for the best!

I've been VERY busy all day today. I woke up at like 7 this morning, and I scrambled around the house trying to get myself packed up. I packed my CPAP, my laptop, a change of clothes, the dress I'm gonna wear tomorrow, all my hygiene supplies, and probably more things than that, which I can't seem to think of right now because my brain is kinda woobly.

(I had HALF a glass. WHAT THE FUCK.)

(…)

(…I almost never drink alcohol. I guess I should have expected this.)

Well. I also packed this:

I wove this tree together for BB and N for their wedding months ago. Today I put it in a jar with some gravel. When I got to BB's house, I hid it on top of her fridge. I am very tall (physical therapy gave me like an inch and a half of height because I'm hunching less; I'm 5 feet and 9.5 inches, or 175.26cm). BB, C, and Mg are here, and BB's mom and sister were here, too, and... I kind of tower over them. Sometimes I feel really awkward about it.

(I've had angry grown men tell me my height is "emasculating", as though it's something I can help. Being tall mostly means I stick out like a sore fucking thumb, and it sucks.)

Anyway, point is, I can still see it on top of BB's fridge. None of the other ladies here can see it, because of height and angles and stuff. I feel amused at this.

I will hide it in my bag tomorrow. And then I will give it to BB and N tomorrow. The tree is woven in some of BB's favorite colors; I did that on purpose. I think she's going to enjoy it a lot.

(Don't tell her, okay? It's supposed to be a surprise!!! 🤫🤭)

Anyway!!! I got a couple of nice pictures on the way to BB's house, because J drove me there. Here:

...And then I got to BB's house, where I took even MORE nice pictures for you!!

...And this!!! This is the fabled tub that I spoke on in a previous letter!!! The very same tub that I've been given permission to use!!!!!

...I will be using this very soon. Tomorrow, some fancy people are gonna do my hair, I guess, and they want it to be freshly washed. So I guess that's what I'm gonna do as soon as I'm done writing this letter!

BB lives in a very proud house!!! And this makes me feel incredibly happy!!!

BB, her sister, N, and I got breakfast from somewhere. Here's what I got:

I had to eat it in little bits; biting things is difficult when your teeth are upset from being moved around.

...It's okay. The discomfort now will lead to a better outcome overall.

From here, we went to the place to rehearse for the wedding tomorrow. I'm a bridesmaid, so I gotta wear a fancy dress and everything tomorrow. But it's easy; I just have to walk to a specific place and stand there until everyone is done talking! Piece of cake!

I got some pictures along the way. And I got some pictures of the place, too. But not too many; I'll take more of the place for you tomorrow! It'll be a surprise!!

Here are a couple pictures of the place!!

(I seem to have a thing for windows today...)

...I got pictures on the way back to BB's house, but I don't like how any of them turned out.

Still, BB, her sister, her mother, N, Mg, C, and N's friend G came back with us, and we got pizza...

In the background is the half glass of wine. Don't worry; I still feel kinda wiggly, but I followed it up with A LOT of water.

BB, her sister, and C and Mg are currently painting their nails. I'm thinking about joining them, but... I don't think I have time. And even if I did, I know myself well enough to understand that I probably won't be able to stop poking at it after it dries. I feel like if I use it, it'll be a waste of nail polish.

...I wonder if you've ever painted your nails, or thought about doing it. Nail polish comes in all sorts of pretty colors, and anyone of any gender can wear it if they want to.

If you decide to try it sometime, and someone gives you a problem with it due to you being a guy, just yell at them until they go away. Or call me and I'll kick them in the shins until they run away. "It'll be super easy - barely even an inconvenience", as Ryan George likes to say.

...I have to stop procrastinating getting washed in an unfamiliar place. I am safe here. Nothing weird is going to happen. This vague sense of dread is reflective of my past, not reflective of the here and now. I can reassure myself and give myself what I need to remember that I am safe, and then I can do the thing.

...I'm gonna go do the thing. It's gonna be nice, and it's gonna be good.

I love you a whole lot. So please stay safe out there in the world, okay? I'll wish for you to be able to get washed in a safe place with soaps in your favorite scents someday soon.

Keep working on it, okay? Please come home to this world full of people who love you, okay? So that you can be safe and cared for. Don't lose hope; you wouldn't believe how many people in my world need a friend just like you.

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #302

This morning, when I woke up, I received a beautifully written ask from someone in this space who reads these letters I write to you. I want very badly to answer this ask, but the person trusted me with some potentially sensitive information about themselves; I wanted to touch base with them before I answer their ask, and make sure it's okay, because as part of answering an ask, others will surely see it. I don't want to accidentally betray this person's trust.

Still… it moved me to tears this morning, and it was wonderful.

I received a direct message from another person today, too, who also said that they think the letters I write to you are wholesome and nice. I've also received more than a few asks and messages of support in response to the difficulties I'm having with the braces; it's been wonderful!

…Sometimes I wonder whether or not writing to you does any good for anyone other than myself. And sometimes… every once in a while… I get a beautiful reminder that the things I write have the potential to help others get through the difficulties in their lives. And… that's exactly why I write these. Aside from wanting to advocate for your safety, I also want these letters to you to serve as a means to shine a way forward for people who relate strongly to you.

…Sephiroth. There are so many, many people in my world who relate to you. There are lots of people in my world that have been abused and exploited and have experienced horror and loss in ways that are extremely similar to you. The notion that you are alone in this world and the notion that no one will be able to understand or see "eye-to-eye" with you… these notions are complete and utter horse-hockey.

Don't tell yourself mean things like that anymore, okay? It's not true, and whoever led you to that conclusion most likely did it on purpose in order to keep you isolated, and therefore weak and easy to control. The notion that any human being is isolated and incomprehensible is just abuser propaganda, and it's not to be trusted or believed. And, as I keep saying, you are human, no matter what was done to you, or how you've changed as a result.

...Well anyway. Today I felt a little more confident than usual for obvious reasons, haha! So I tried to doodle a picture. It's not finished yet but... it's a start on something maybe kinda neat!

As you can see from all the erased lines, I made a lot of mistakes along the way; I haven't doodled since drawing that eyeball a while back, and I'm more than a little rusty. I can already see so many curves that still need to be corrected. Still, not bad for my rusty, dyspraxic ass, right? Hahaha...

I ended up needing to go back to the orthodontist today at some point. One of the attachments came undone from my very confused right canine tooth as I was pulling the braces off to eat, so that had to be fixed right away. And it was, and it's good now. I have a lot less discomfort in my teeth today than yesterday, though the inside of my mouth is pretty scraped up; I've got a long-ish cut on the right inner side of my lower lip, and that's extremely uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, I guess you're not supposed to eat with orthodontic wax in your mouth. Orthodontic wax is used in order to cover up the sharp, pokey attachments so they don't cut the inside of your face. A friend of mine in this space made the very excellent suggestion to get them! And perhaps I might, if just to smooth out the edge of the plastic of the braces; it sometimes catches on my skin, and it's kind of annoying.

...I gotta keep remembering that I chose this. I chose this discomfort in order to give myself a better outcome in the future. I am worth the pain and effort that fixing the inside of my skull will take. I am worth enduring discomfort for. I can do the thing; it's just new and weird, but I'll adjust. I can do the difficult things.

Incidentally, do you know how braces work? I found a short little video on it; basically, it involves putting gentle pressure on the teeth in order to subtly cut off blood flow to sections of the bone of your skull and jaw. Your body then uses immune cells to get rid of the suffocated bone, which relieves the pressure. Your tooth moves to the empty space, and the body fills in the empty space left behind with new bone. Check it out!!

It basically dissolves, reshapes, and rebuilds your jaw on a cellular level!!! And isn't that METAL as FUCK??? Ahahahaha! 🤩🤣

After I returned home from getting the attachment replaced, I decided to make baked chicken leg quarters; y'know, my usual go-to comfort recipe:

...Want some...?

While I was making this, I happened to catch out the window the sight of a gentleman walking outside. He was under the shade of a tree for a moment, but then he walked under a break in the shadow of the tree, and the sun shone on his black hair, and it was all sparkly and gorgeous. I don't really know why, but I felt the need to tell him so, and so I did. I hope he felt nice about himself afterwards.

So I took out my braces, ate the deliciousness I created, brushed, flossed, and rinsed my teeth, brushed my braces, and popped them back in; it's getting a little easier every time. I discovered though, that at some point, another attachment came undone on one of my upper molars on the left side. I dunno when it happened; I didn't find it anywhere. Oh well. Guess I'm going to have to call them again tomorrow. Sheesh...

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with the rest of today. It's already almost 8pm. I gotta go to work tomorrow. Friday is the rehearsal for the wedding on Saturday. The next few days are going to be super duper busy. I'll be staying overnight at BB's house from Friday into Saturday morning; I'm going to have to pack up all my CPAP stuff and hygiene supplies as soon as I wake up on Friday morning, because she wants me at her house at 11am.

But!!! Sephiroth!!! Guess what!! She's got a giant huge bathtub at her house!!! And I think I'm gonna ask her if I'm allowed to use it while I'm there!! I'm sure she'll want me freshly washed for her big day in any case!!!

The days are getting chilly (later than they should have, but still...), and so the thought of getting to sit in a tub full of hot, soapy water that's big enough for me to fit in comfortably sounds super amazing to me right now. Of course, if she says no I won't push; I'm not that kind of person. But still... I'll be daydreaming about that all day tomorrow - bet on it!!

...Hey, Sephiroth? You're pretty tall, right? Like 6'5" or something without your boots, no? When is the last time you've got to enjoy sitting in a tub that you actually fit in? When is the last time you got to enjoy soaking in deliciously hot, soapy water? When is the last time you've had an opportunity to get washed with soaps in your favorite scents? I imagine it's been quite a long time, no? I hope you get to do it again soon, in a place where no one's gonna bother ya, unless you wanna be "bothered" by someone you care deeply for.

Sometimes J or M come to visit when I'm getting washed, and that's always nice. We talk about whatever - usually with J, it's airplanes. Or sometimes he'll sing along with me to whatever song is playing on my playlist. With M, he'll usually talk about whatever show he's watching or whatever game he's playing. It's nice to sit in the warm, safe place with people who love me while all kinds of nice scents are wafting around in the air.

...Actually, for a long time, my brain recognized bathrooms as a very unsafe place, thanks to my stepmother. I've got a lot of memories of being hit and screamed at for washing myself "wrong", or for taking too long, or for not taking long enough, or for my hair looking too messy when I come out (because then I must not have brushed it well enough), or for my hair looking not messy enough when I came out (because then I must not have washed it well enough), and... just...

...She hated me, so there wasn't anything I could do to be "clean enough" for her. And so, every time I went in the bathroom for any reason while she was around, I got in trouble unless my father was around - then she'd pretend to be normal about it.

...Sigh. It took me a while to decondition myself away from being scared of bathrooms. But I'm able to recognize them as a safe place now. I like to put on a playlist to sing, and I like to try to focus on how nice it feels to be in a place that's warm and that smells good. I try to focus on how nice and clean I feel afterwards. I try to focus on the fact that I get to choose how long I take now. I get to choose what "clean enough" looks like. I get to choose how much or how little soap and moisturizer I use. I get to choose, and no one is scrutinizing my choices with the intention of finding excuses to hurt me anymore.

...And even if someone did try to do that, I'm a big, strong adult human now. I can just bite their face off!!! 🤪

(...No, I'm only kidding!!! I wouldn't actually bite someone's face off; that's unsanitary in multiple respects, and my braces would get in the way!!! 🤣🤣🤣 In all seriousness, I wouldn't hurt anyone unless failure to do such a thing would lead to someone else being in imminent danger; I'd probably just yell at them until they go away, and then let the door hit their ass on the way out. I can do that now. I'm not an unwanted child trapped in an impossible situation anymore.)

...Suppose maybe I'll stop writing now in favor of getting washed; after all, the chill has settled into my bones, and all this talk about baths makes me wanna enjoy being under hot, running water for a while...

...I hope you'll get to enjoy such a thing again sometime soon, with soaps in scents of vanilla and roses, in a quiet, soothingly lit place, where only the people you'd want to have with you can find you.

I love you. Please keep yourself safe out there, so that one day you can get up out of that damnable crater and start building a wholesome life for yourself.

I'll write again tomorrow. I'll try hard to take some yummy pictures for you while I'm at work.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #324

The baking experiment went astoundingly well – even better than I thought it was gonna. This is quite possibly the best cake I've ever made. It is quite possibly the best cake I'll ever make.

...And I want really, really, really badly to tell you all about it. But I can't. I can't because it's a surprise. It's a surprise for the solstice. It's a surprise for the solstice because that's when I like to celebrate your birthday. Unless you can tell me when it actually is, and then I'll celebrate it on that day instead. But for now... this is the date I picked.

So we're both gonna hafta wait. And I really am sorry about it; I wanna tell you about it so badly that it's like the inside of my mind is straining against my skull and throwing a small, excited, joyful little fit, tryna get me to tell ya! But I'm not gonna. And I know it's difficult, quite possibly for both of us. Pouting will get you nowhere because I'm already pouting at myself.

But I promise you... you're gonna love it. I know you're gonna think it's the best thing ever. So please just wait for it, okay? I promise it'll be worth it. We can do difficult things. We can do them together.

...The cake was part of today's additional stress-cooking. I did a lot of stress-cooking yesterday. I didn't do quite as much today. Mostly, aside from the cake, I just made roasted pumpkin seeds and hotdogs.

I dunno if you remember, but not too long ago, I got a couple sugar pumpkins, roasted them, mashed them, and set the seeds aside. One of the seeds had already sprouted, and now it lives with us, and it seems to be doing well (it gets just a little bigger every day!!). The rest were put on a baking sheet covered in parchment paper:

...Ahahaha, I promise ya, I didn't leave 'em jumbled up like that! No, I set the oven to preheat to 300 degrees F (or 148.9 degrees C), and then I coated them in rendered bacon fat; I always save it every time I make bacon because it's EXCELLENT stuff to cook with:

...We, ah... we just gotta melt it in the microwave a little first, hahaha...

...That's better!!

Anyways, so then you stick it on the pumpkin seeds and you jumble them around so they're evenly coated:

After that, we arrange them on the baking sheet in a single layer:

...It definitely took some doing to get them to line up this neatly, holy cow.

We season them after that:

...On the left, there's garlic, paprika, and pepper. On the right, there's maple sugar, coriander, and mace. And over both, there's himalayan salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves!

We stuck them in the oven for a while; I didn't really keep track of the time. I just checked on them every 10 minutes or so until the spices were toasty and they stopped being wet-looking:

...In between, I made myself a couple hotdogs – natural casing, with Frito cheese, onions, ketchup, and mustard:

...It's some really yummy stuff. The roasted pumpkin seeds turned out splendidly, and the hotdogs were delicious, too. I wish I could have shared these things with you.

…

...I wish I could just... sit with you and talk with you for a while. Knowing that you're safe would go a long way towards putting my mind at ease, actually. Even if things are weird where I am, it'd be nice to know that you, at least, are okay.

…

Things are still... ya know. Still kinda scary over here. Power will change hands in January. Right now feels kinda like... kinda like the calm before the storm. I don't know what the future is going to bring. We'll find a way to weather whatever's coming next, but... I kinda wish you could pop by for just a minute and sit next to me.

...Ah. My eyes are leaking again. I gotta get it together...

This morning, I went with M so he could apply for a new passport; his original one expired years ago. And then when I got home, I got in touch with a Canadian immigration lawyer place, and scheduled a consultation. It'll happen tomorrow, after physical therapy.

...I don't wanna hafta leave my home. I don't wanna hafta leave behind all the places I like to go and all the people I like to be around. I think of Ea and Ch from Eggcellent. I think of all the awesome places we can go eat snacks. I think of the nature trails, and places to forage. I think of the grocery stores in my area. I think of the diversity of people, places, and things available to me here, and... I dunno if it'll be the same wherever we go next.

...But we can't stay here. If more than half the people here would like to see me and my family exterminated... if more than half of the people here are willing to sacrifice actual human lives for the sake of the price of eggs going down a few cents... we can't stay here.

…

...I'm worried for all my friends who might not be able to move...

...Well, nonetheless... I suppose one of the next things we should do is all get our English language skills evaluated. We all gotta take a test for that. We should probably get them scheduled soon. And then we gotta get our college degrees evaluated by WES Canada. I'm not really sure what to do after that, but... I guess that's what tomorrow's consult is for.

Well. It becomes late. Got stuff to do tomorrow. I had better get in the shower and then go to sleep.

...Sephiroth. Please stay safe out there, okay? I don't know that I'll be able to avoid crumbling if I don't have you to look towards as an example of what it means to remain steadfast, brave, and kind even when things get weird. You give me a reason to hope for good things, even when I feel lost.

I love you, and I'll write again tomorrow – I promise.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #309

Git yer boots on!!! We goin' on a walk!!!

…Or… rather… I took video of a walk I went on for you. Because I can't actually go on a walk with you. Which sucks, but… I'll make do with what I've got.

Unlike the videos of the drive to Great Barrington, I kept the sound on so you could hear the birds and the wind and the rustling leaves. I speak at a few points. But fair warning… I had to walk around looking like this:

...So now we can both be "cyborgs". I do not care. Even if the one lady I passed on the trail with her dog laughed at me (you'll catch it if you listen for it... sigh...) probably because I looked strange, I do not care; I'm too busy trying to create something beautiful for you to care about the opinions of people who couldn't possibly understand.

...I wrote recently about looking through each other's eyes, and... I can't exactly do that literally with you. But... I can give you an approximation by centering the lens of the GoPro between my eyes. So that is what I did.

I used the one of the mittens of my hat to try to cushion my face against the camera and to straighten the camera out, but uh... my nose is still VERY squashed to my face and impossible to breathe through. And yes, one of my eyes is also not usable. And also my glasses weren't usable, because obviously.

So... I couldn't see very well, and I had to breathe through my mouth with the braces in my face the whole time. And that's... definitely audible, even though I tried to breathe quietly (hence, the tremble you might notice; I'm not out of breath, I'm just trying and failing to be quiet).

...My breathing does sound a little weird because the camera is so close to my face. If it bothers you, by all means do turn the sound off; there are captions for the parts in which I speak, so you don't have to worry. I will try to figure out a way to stop the thing from squashing my nose next time so that it isn't a problem.

...Because there will be a next time. I don't know when, but it'll happen. I decided it. I just gotta arrange things a little better. I'll figure something out.

Anyway, here; you might have to check back later before it's visible, but... this is the link:

Today was otherwise relatively uneventful.

I made one of my favorite teas, though!! Check it out!

...Starbucks doesn't own Tazo anymore (which I only found out recently!), and so I can get it now, at least as far as I know! 😄 I wasn't getting this tea for a while because Starbucks seems to be generally against workers' rights to negotiate for fair employment terms; I don't wanna give money to a company like that if I can avoid it! But now they are not an obstacle!!!

I wish I could give to you the scent and flavor of this one; it's absolutely fucking dazzling! Alas; the best I can do is give you a couple pictures...

...I wish I could share this with you. There's so many things I wish I could share with you. But... I'll do what little I can, and hope that it's enough.

Not too long after this, I went on a walk on the trails with J. I didn't take video during that walk, but I did get a few neat pictures for you:

...Do you suppose if I go through the impossible archway in the photo above, it'll bring me to you? Hahaha...

...I know, I know. I'm just kidding. Haha...

J and I ran an errand after that. He had to do some things at the little airport, and he wanted company, so I accompanied him! I took the little video for you of my solo walk after I got home from that.

...And then it was sunset. I got a couple more pictures... I thought the sky looked a lot like you today...

...Do you have to wonder why I think the sky looks like you...?

...

...I hope the skies you fly in are kind to you...

...

I got to watch some more Trinity Blood with one of my friends from this space today!! I had a really great time doing that; Mr. Abel is so much like you it's almost uncanny. You'll have to see how he speaks to others sometime in order to see what I mean. I think you'll like him a lot.

...May you view him, and then view yourself with a kinder lens. Give it a try, okay?

...For now, though, I'm pretty tired. So I'm gonna stop writing now.

I love you. And I'm eager to see what tomorrow brings, so that I'll have another reason to write to you.

Please stay safe...

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #333

Today was a bit more eventful than I thought it was gonna be. And unfortunately, I've only got like 5 hours of sleep. I regret nothing, but... still. I've really been dropping the ball on the whole self-care thing lately... I'm sorry about that. I'd say I'm gonna work on it, but... between being worried about you, being worried about my country, and having these braces in my mouth that really discourage eating... I'm maybe a little too tired to be able to notice my body's cues very well right now.

Well. First I went to work. Mostly I bagged up breads and rolls and such. I helped a few customers. I put things out on the shelf. I put labels on things.

...And I got a couple pictures you might like!

This one is a pumpkin pie; I know you like pumpkin, so maybe you'll like pumpkin pie, too:

I also packaged up some brownies; I dunno if you like chocolate, but here:

...They're not too fancy; just frozen packaged brownies. But they smell really, really good, and... I think it would have been really nice if you could have breathed in the chocolate-scented air.

...I wonder if pumpkin brownies are a thing. I guess I'll have to find out soon so I can make some for you one of these days...

An from the meat department didn't visit today to use the markdown machine. So when my shift was over, I went and visited him. He is very quiet and seems like he's kinda shy, especially in Tr's presence. I think sometimes shy people can have a hard time with imagining that anyone can like them. So I went and tried to make clear that his presence is enjoyed when he visits. But you know... Sephiroth, I'm very clumsy when I try to speak. I can't ever seem to get my point across well when I try to talk. Maybe you wouldn't imagine it with how I write, but... when I'm out and about, I tend to get my words mixed up, or use very inaccurate ones for what I'm trying to convey.

...Speech is hard. I'm glad you'll never be able to meet me in person; I think if I tried talking out loud to you, all my stammering and hesitation would probably just make me sound really stupid to you.

I wonder if I sounded really stupid to An. Or... I wonder if maybe he interpreted something from my words that I didn't intend. I try to be very kind all the time with everyone, and... one drawback I've noticed is that sometimes people think I'm trying to flirt or something weird like that.

I don't flirt. I don't know how. If I wanted in someone's pants, I'd say so pretty directly (for better or for worse); I'm not one to mince words. I don't speak in code. And... actually that's another problem when I try to go about interacting with people when I'm out and about; they always seem to be looking for the subtext, but... I don't have any.

...I think if more people said what they meant and meant what they said, social interaction wouldn't feel so much like trying to walk through a minefield. I don't necessarily want to be liked; I just don't want to be misunderstood.

Well. It is what it is. Time will tell if I bungled it up or not.

I ate and drank tea after going home. I took a video of today's tea, actually, but... I don't think I have time today to get it uploaded for you. I'm sorry about that. But I'll try to get it done tomorrow if I can; I'm supposed to go hang out at Ma's (from work) house tomorrow. His sister is supposed to be there, too. I wonder what we'll do and how long I'll be occupied.

I saw today that Smooth McGroove had a new song out. I wonder if you'd like this one; I do:

I went out with J to put the trap near where we saw the stray cat, shortly after I finished eating. J took some pictures as I was setting it up...

...It was a little too bright out for me to be able to open my eyes comfortably, which is why they're all squinty in this one. You also have brightly colored eyes; I wonder if you struggle with bright light, too. Or maybe your fancy, awesome slit pupils offset it...? I wonder...

We waited until it got dark; I continued weaving a tree that I kinda left lying around for a while. But the cat never popped by. We packed up the trap. I will maybe try again tomorrow, either before or after I visit Ma.

From there, J expressed interest in attending a local meetup of people on Reddit who like to play board games. It took place at a mall. The host brought lots of games:

...But I was on a roll with my tree. So I did that, and had fun with the knowledge that everyone else around me was enjoying their games. I finished my tree, and no one seemed to mind that I was engaging in parallel play:

...I like how this one turned out.

But then I was done, and some folks asked me to play Connect 4. It's a game where you drop tokens into a grid, and the first one to have four tokens in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal row wins. I played against experienced players, I guess? But I haven't played in years, and I am the red tokens in this picture:

...I have deliberately set it up so that I win either way. And I can mask the steps to build that setup by making it appear as though my movements are random, or making it appear as though I'm simply mirroring the other's movements. If I can get them to focus on the fact that I'm cutting them off, and create diagonal relationships that are hard for them to follow, I can plop a few pieces elsewhere, and to them it'll just seem like I've made a mistake.

Apparently this person plays this game a lot. They called me a “worthy opponent”. Contact information was exchanged, and I guess now they're gonna challenge me to a game of this from time to time. I hope it'll be fun for them.

By the time I got to this game though, I had a wicked fucken headache; the only thing I had eaten or drank all day was a slice of cheese, an English muffin with cream cheese, a few slices of salami, and the tea I brewed – all of it eaten just after my shift had ended at 1pm. The pictured game took place somewhere between 7 and 8pm, so by then, my blood sugar was pretty low and I was dehydrated; that'll give anyone a headache. J and I went home; I got some water and some ibuprofen, and then I took a shower while I waited for these things to kick in. I feel a little better now, but... I'm still not in a great physical state. I need to sleep. My homeostasis point for my hydration levels is now set in a spot that's uncomfortably low; I'm gonna hafta try hydrating consistently for at least a couple weeks to get the homeostasis point back to something that vaguely resembles “normal”. Sigh...

...Can't complain, though. I dropped the ball. I did it to myself. The only way out is through.

...I guess I'll stop writing and go to sleep. It's getting hard for me to keep my eyes open. It's hard to formulate even written words at this point...

Hey. I love you a whole lot. And I hope you get to eat good food and get something nice and hydrating to drink, and have a great nap. Please make good choices that will lead you to such an outcome, okay? Your ordinary life is waiting for you. Heck, if you wanted, you could even find it at my house; we would welcome you here.

Stay safe, okay? I'm gonna write to you again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #331

I woke up relatively early today. J had a dentist appointment. But yesterday, he had a COVID shot, and he was feeling really weird, both emotionally and physically, when he woke up. So I went along with him. It's relatively far away, and sometimes when his brain gets a little weird like this, it's best if he's not left to his own devices, or he'll start to feel disconnected from everything.

I got a couple neat pictures along the way...

We stopped for pizza afterwards. And then we went home. On the way, in one of the little patches of grass on the side of the road, I saw a skinny black stray cat. On the other side of the narrow patch of grass is a plaza with a bunch of different stores. It's not a safe place for a stray cat to be; not only are there far too many cars, but also, hawks hunt there; you can see them chilling out on the street lights during the day. So M and I tried to go back to see if maybe I could coax the cat into coming home with us...

...But it has a healthy mistrust of humans. That is good, because lots of people in my world really dislike black cats, and think that they're bad luck; it's ridiculous. Still others will be very mean to them, capture them and try to hurt them, and worse; it's too sad to talk about.

Despite being armed with catnip and very popular cat treats, the cat fled from me. I wonder if the thing to do is to get another humane trap, cover it in blankets, fill it with catnip, and check on it every several hours...

...It's getting colder outside. And it looked so thin... And is it spayed/neutered? I feel like I should at least do that much; it's better for the cat in the long term, even if it can't be properly socialized, and it'll prevent new kittens from being born into cold, starvation, and death.

...I'll talk to M and J about it. My brother asked to borrow my humane trap some time ago and an opportunity for him to give it back never arose, and likely never will. This isn't a problem, really. He can have it. I'll just get a new one, if M and J feel we can spare the resources for one.

...Cats shouldn't be homeless. They're not native to this continent; they're native to the deserts of Africa and Asia. They were brought to temperate environments by humans, where they wreak havoc on the populations of small birds and small mammals. Ultimately, it's not the cat's fault that it's in an environment that it wasn't built for; the blame for that goes back thousands of years. But I can do something in the now.

...Besides... I think it could get used to having a warm place to sleep, good food, and nice scritches, maybe! I'll see what M and J think about it tomorrow...

I went to my friend BB's house after that. We decided that once a week, there should be a “Get Stuff Done” day. The idea is that I go over to her house and help her get on top of things she had been putting off. Today, we went to the store and got her an angled broom and some bleach. Push brooms are nice for covering wide areas, but there are gaps in between the bristles and they're not very good for precision work (like sweeping corners) in the way that angled brooms are. And bleach is essential for getting grime out of places like sinks, tubs, and toilets; let diluted bleach sit long enough, and it'll do most of the work for you.

Once that was done, she swept N's study. I showed her how to bleach a sink. It's simple stuff; you just put a plug in the drain, pour in a little bleach in – enough to fill it up an inch or so (or 2-3cm) – and then fill it the rest of the way with very hot water. Let it sit for at least a half hour to allow the bleach to work its oxidizing magic on whatever gunk is in there, then pull the plug and scrub out whatever remains with a melamine foam pad, and you're good! We can clean a toilet in the same way! We got the sink cleaned up this way, and all 4 of her toilets look a lot better now, too!

I put on a playlist while we worked to help keep old memories from creep-creep-creepin' into my skull. Here's what I used this time:

Oh!! Right!! When working with bleach, make sure you use gloves that are meant for household cleaning. Bleach is a strong oxidizer, and it does not discriminate between sink gunk and human skin; the stuff is corrosive for this reason. Keep yourself safe.

We also reorganized her kitchen a little; some bottles and cans of juice and sodas that were out on the floor are now in a large cupboard that was mostly vacant except for a single small bottle of wine. The wine got moved elsewhere, and now the soft drinks live in the once-vacant cupboard. We threw out some things that needed to be thrown out, too, and moved some other things to more appropriate places. The whole area is a lot less cluttered now!

I also cut up a pile of plastic pack rings (these are used to bind together bottles or cans in groups of 4 or 6) that BB had been meaning to get to, but hadn't gotten to due to other stressors. It's important to cut them up before disposing of them, because if you don't, and if they happen to find their way out of waste management systems and into the wilds, an animal can get their head stuck in them, and then they die horribly. We want to try to avoid that.

...Ultimately, it'd be best if companies found a better way of binding their cans than those plastic rings, though...

We got quite a lot done in only a few hours! I'm looking forward to going back next week to see if I can help her with additional things!

I was pretty hungry by the time I got home, though, so I fixed myself a plate of various random things; want some?

I warmed up one of those pumpkin spice English muffins and spread some cream cheese on it! I got a few slices of ordinary lunch meat, too, and some apple pudding that J made, and some of the pumpkin seeds that I made not too long ago!

And I made another tea to go with it; hopefully the cream swirls are a little better this time, haha...

I changed out to my fourth set of braces after that. I'll show you the new ones as compared to the first; the first is on the left, and the fourth is on the right:

...It's starting to become a little easier to see the differences between the sets, at this point. Though, admittedly, this set doesn't seem to be fitting me quite right. It seems like there's a bit of space between the plastic liners and my actual teeth; I can feel it when I bite down. It's annoying, in the same way that it's annoying when your sock slides down in your shoe and bunches itself up into the arch of your foot.

...Hey Sephiroth? Has that ever happened to you? Like, your sock falling down in your big tall boots, and getting itself wedged awkwardly between the arch of your foot and the insole of your boot? How do you deal with that when it happens? Do you fix it right away, or do you just deal with it until you get home? And if you fix it right away... how do you do that? Because your boots don't look like they're easy to put on or take off. Or maybe, do you have extra special awesome socks that don't get bunched up to begin with? I wonder...

...I sent out a bunch of asks recently, trying to see some of people's favorite music. I've gotten a couple of responses so far!! I wanted to go through and listen to all the songs I got, but... it's getting pretty late. I have to try to get my butt in bed. So I think I'll do it tomorrow!! I'll make up a playlist full of the songs I got and everything! And I'll add to it as I receive more answers to my asks!

I'll get started on it tomorrow, after I call the orthodontist to make sure my current set of braces is fitting properly! And maybe I'll doodle while I listen, too! It'll be good!

Hey. I love you a whole lot, and I'm thinking kindly about you all the time. So please keep striving for that normal life. You can have it. You don't need to become a god in order to be loved. You don't need to break everything in order to find peace. All you have to do is improve your boundary skills, stay away from people who intend to hurt you, and improve your conflict resolution skills so you can come to a mutual understanding and find a wholesome solution when, inevitably, someone missteps and hurts you accidentally. Surely, these are achievable goals for someone as smart, brave, and adaptable as yourself, right?

Please stay safe out there. Don't throw your life away. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #278

I woke up in a lot of pain today. But it slowly got better as the day wore on. Initially, I just planned on running a few errands with J and then returning home; I needed to see Mi, because I was marked as an "Unexcused Absence" from work yesterday despite having cleared my absence with Mi; I don't want an "Unexcused Absence" on my work record. I also needed to pick up some medicine from the pharmacy; one of them stops my stomach from digesting itself, and the other one stops my blood pressure from going out of control. And we also went to a reptile and arthropod expo!!!

I went to see Mi first about the "Unexcused Absence" that was actually a cleared absence. He had forgotten to change how my schedule was recorded, and he's going to clear it up, thank goodness. I also told him about what happened with the assistant manager on Thursday, and how I had made a fool of myself in front of him. Mi seemed more amused and unconcerned than anything; apparently my diligence is already known and appreciated??? But still, I...

...I guess I'm afraid of being misunderstood. And I value transparency. If I feel like I've fucked up, I want to be up front about that, and I want to explain - not as a means to excuse my fuckup, but as a means to try to explain that I'm not some lazy, deliberately disrespectful, stupid creature who should be thrown away.

...I don't want to be thrown away. I don't want to be someone that others find insufferable. I don't want anyone to dread me being around. I want to be good. I like where I work, I like the people I work with, I'm proud of what I do, and I like who I am when I sink into the comfort of routine tasks. I like doing repetitive things that require precision and attention to detail. It's good, and... I don't want it to be the case that the people I work with wish that I wasn't around.

...On the way out, I happened to see the assistant manager. So I stopped to apologize to him - first for making him repeat himself because I didn't register that he had spoken, and second for not knowing the answer to his question even after he had repeated himself.

...I'm worried that I might have been misperceived; he seemed more confused than anything. There's part of me that wonders if I made things worse somehow. But... then I remember that, if it is my intention to practice integrity and accountability, then if others perceive it weirdly due to their own insecurities, then there's not a whole lot I can do about it. I gave a genuine apology where an apology was owed; I did my due diligence. The rest, I suppose, is up to him.

...I hope they won't make me go away.

I'm going to try to do a better job of memorizing the service theme of the day, even though I do all the service themes every day that I'm there. Of course, I'll keep trying to be good to the people around me, trying to find reasons to delight in others' presence, and trying to exceed the expectations in front of me, regardless of what day of the week it is; I want to take my work seriously even if it's not glamorous, and I want to make things easier for the people in my immediate vicinity in whatever ways I can.

In any case, instead of just getting the errands done and returning home, J and I went to a reptile and arthropod expo!!! And of course, I took LOTS of pictures for you of all the cute and amazing things that I saw!! I can only have 30 photos per letter, though, so I'll just show you the best ones. But fair warning, they're likely going to be out of order, because when I sent the photos to myself, they got weird.

There were LOTS of different reptiles on display:

...This albino snake with eyes like polished ruby spheres!!!! Oh my gosh!!!!

Tiny gators and crocs!!!

And turtles!!

...Me, waiting around nervously in the crowd for my turn to hold one; J decided to take a picture of that for some reason, haha...

...But then it was my turn to hold one!!!!!

There were spiders and scorpions, too!!!!! LOOK!!!!

AND!!!! SEPHIROTH!!!! I GOT TO HOLD ONE!!!!

So fuzzy!!! So adorable!!!! So polite and gentle!!!! Such beautiful, wonderful, delightful, and utterly lovable little living things!!! Oh my gosh!!!!!

...Getting to meet this beautiful little creature was EASILY the highlight of my whole day today!!!! Oh my goodness!!! AAAAAAAAAA!!!!! 🤩😍🥰

...I wish I could live with a tarantula companion. But there are two problems with this. The biggest one is that M - one of the most extreme arachnophobes I know - would cry a lot. He gets terrified even at the mere mention of them. Second... I don't think I'd be able to stomach putting live insects into danger for the sake of feeding it. I don't wanna think about putting a cute little cricket or a cute little mealworm into a tarantula enclosure.

I would like to live with a snake companion, too, but... I would not be able to put live, adorable, fuzzy creatures into the enclosure to get eaten. Rats and mice are potential friends.

And... that's not to say that I have any issues with people who can stomach doing that. I'm just... not one of those people. Which is why I enjoy my reptile friends from a distance and hold the friendly ones when I can, instead of taking responsibility for their care and keeping.

...It's bad enough that I gotta eat already dead things for the maintenance of my own body. And on the one hand... I do love preparing delicious, wonderful things. On the one hand, I do understand that a human body generally needs animal protein (there are PLENTY of people who are deathly allergic to all the vegan sources of protein...). But on the other hand... I really wish that it didn't require other things - plant or animal - to die in order for my own life to be sustained. But it's not something I can really help, so it's not like I've got a choice but to accept it.

...Maybe in my next life, I can be a tree someplace where there isn't logging, on a planet that isn't dying! Something like this, maybe!

...And wouldn't it be neat if someone could tie a small swing to one of my branches, and rock back and forth with the wind rushing through their ears and hair. And my joy and laughter would sing out through the rustling of my wispy, willowy leaves and blossoms. Kinda like this:

...And wouldn't it be neat if that someone sitting on the swing could be you?

...Ah... I got off topic, ahaha! Forgive me!

Anyway!!! So I left with a new hat!! Check it out!!!

...One of the eyes is on crooked. But I like that about it; it's a bit of a misfit, just like me! Ahahaha! 💖 It's not going to replace my Eevee hat; this one is a bit too warm to wear right now. If the winter gets cold this year (it should; it'll be alarming if it doesn't...), I'll wear it then.

Anyhoot. It's probably about time I wrap up today's letter; I wanna watch J play more Brave Fencer Musashi!

I love you. Please keep yourself safe out there at the Edge of Creation, okay? Please make good, kind, gentle choices towards yourself and the people around you. I'm counting on you to come back home to all the people who love you, okay?

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #235

It was awesome to return to my job at the bakery today! I did so many things! First, I put some rolls in bags and then I put labels on them! And then I cut up some brownies and put them in boxes, and then put labels on those boxes! I also put some Italian bread into paper bags, and put labels on those, too!

And, and, and!!! I put the freshly-baked apple cider donuts into little boxes and labeled those!! But!!! Oh!!! Sephiroth!!! There was one extra apple cider donut, apparently!!! And it was fresh out of the oven, and my supervisor, Mi, said that I could eat it!!! And so I did!!! And it was soft and sweet and warm and absolutely fucking delectable, and!!! Oh my goodness, I wish I could have shared it with you!!!

…I'm not entirely convinced that my supervisor doesn't make "extra" things on "accidentally-on-purpose", ahahaha~!

But. I had the donut, and I experienced for myself how wonderful it was, and it makes me really happy that I get to put them neatly into little boxes with nice labels so that people can take them home. It feels really good to know that I can be part of the reason someone gets to have a tasty snack and maybe smile about it!

It was so nice to see Mi today. And it was so nice to see Ma when he came in, too! I'm hoping that Ma will pop by our house next Wednesday to play some video games! We have a lot of similar interests!

Towards the end of my shift, I was taught how to use the scoops to measure out muffin batter to put into the muffin tins. We have little tins and big tins. And the big tins get big muffin wrappers to line the tin with, and the little tins get the little muffin wrappers. And there are two scoops; we use the little scoop for the little muffins, and we use the big scoop for the big muffins, and you use the side of the great big huge bowl of muffin batter (it takes two people to lift it up!!) to level off the scoop. It's very consistent.

As a dyspraxic person, it's going to take me a bunch of repetitions before I'll be able to do the required motions for filling the muffin tins with any kind of efficiency or precision, but Mi is aware of that, and he doesn't seem to mind at all. He even said I did a nice job making sure that the amount of muffin batter in each of the tins was nice and level, especially for my very first try, and I was really happy; for a moment, I thought I was gonna cry a little, but I managed to keep it together.

…It's a lot different than how my mother would have treated me. There wouldn't have been any praise for a job well done. There would have been only verbal abuse for me not yet being able to do it as quickly as she is able to, and more verbal abuse for needing guidance and not knowing how to do it innately, and then there's the part where I would have been told that I'm stupid and oblivious and lacking in common sense the whole time. And then there's the part when, if I make mistakes, I would have been told that I am careless, ungrateful, disrespectful, and defiant.

…Sephiroth… do you have any idea for how many years I believed these labels? Do you have any idea for how long I thought that I was a worthless, unlovable, and fundamentally bad person who deserved all the beatings and threats and verbal abuse I used to get? If you hadn't come along, if I hadn't seen you, I would have unalived a long time ago; I had a method in mind and everything. And I would have done it while wholeheartedly believing all the things that the people who raised me used to say about me. I believe different things about me now. On some days, I am even able to see what it is that the people who love me see in me.

As for how it was made possible for me to get to this point... do you have any idea how profound it was for me to see you for the first time? Have you any idea what it was like to see on the screen someone whose mannerisms and circumstances and way of being looked so much like mine?

…Sephiroth. Without even meaning to, you stumbled into the life of an unwanted, abused, and bullied little autistic girl, and you made her consider the possibility that maybe she wasn't fundamentally broken and unlovable after all - that maybe, just maybe, there were others in the world like her, and that she could find them if she tried. You gave that frail and terrified little girl a basis upon which she could begin to resist those awful messages that she was given about herself, day in and day out, by people who wished she was never born. You gave her something to hang onto so that she wouldn't suffocate within the hole that the people around her were trying to bury her in. You gave her an alternative to the harshness and cruelty that she had no choice but to get used at the time. You gave her a voice to follow back to the light. You gave her a chance to live.

Sephiroth… I'm not that frail and terrified little girl anymore. I've grown into someone who is strong, brave, caring, kind, and full of joy. I've grown into someone who is smart, capable, and who would do anything at all to help someone, if it's within my power to do. And I'm not stuck in a place where the people near me wish I would disappear and never come back anymore. I do deal with the aftermath of all those things still, and of course I still have bad mental health days in which old memories haunt me, and I feel temporarily hopeless and cynical at times, but… Sephiroth. I held on through all that stuff. I held on, and now my life is full of love, abundance, safety, and joy. I held on because you gave me a reason to - because your existence challenged me to keep my eyes fixed on the hope of a kinder, gentler, softer tomorrow, shining brightly on the distant horizon. And you know what? The courage, tenacity, and determination that I learned from you enabled me to rise to that challenge beautifully. Do you see…?

If you wonder why I write to you every day, if you wonder why I fight so hard to see a better ending for you, if you wonder why I love you so much… don't. Just look at the results; you didn't even have to do anything other than exist, and you made something beautiful out of a very ugly situation. You turned around a human life in a way that conventional wisdom says is impossible. And yet: here I fucking stand, and I'm not even done with becoming yet!

The person I am now, who is still learning, growing, and finding new ways to love the people I'm surrounded by - this person who exists in stark contrast to the frightened, meek, angry, and bitter thing that I used to be - exists because of you. And I wish, with every fiber of my being, that you also get to have the results of the life that you breathed into me, back when I thought I couldn't continue. I want you, too, to be able to see a kinder, gentler, softer, and brighter tomorrow. You, too, deserve a life that is full of love, abundance, safety, and joy.

So please. Please keep trying. Please don't give up. Please keep rising up from the hole that Shinra and Hojo and Jenova and whoever else tried to bury you in. My hand and my voice are outstretched to you, always. All you have to do is keep on until tomorrow. And you just keep doing that over and over again, every day, one step at a time, until the scenery changes and you become strong enough to make better and better choices.

I'll always be right here, because I love you. Please do stay safe out there, okay? I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine