#ThankYouFFVIIDevs

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #76

You know. After a day or so to process this version of events, I think I can finally put into words why so many people cry out for your blood, but not Rufus's or his father's, even though they've done things that are arguably far worse than anything you've ever done. Goodness, but isn't it the same age-old story of people villainizing abuse victims for striking back while excusing the abuser that broke the survivor to that point? And we see it all the time in my world; nobody does anything about bullying at school until the bullied person finally punches their bully in the face, and then the bully gets off scot-free while the victim gets suspended. I think of spouses who, backed into a corner and trying to defend themselves, strike back at the spouse who has been abusing them, and the spouse defending themselves gets charges pressed while the other one who had been abusing them gets pitied. I think about trafficked humans (many of them are snatched up as CHILDREN) who, in an effort to get free or to defend themselves, strike back at the person trafficking them and escape, only to then face a world who hates them for having been trafficked. And all of these things have one thing in common: the price for escaping from being "owned" is often another form of punishment or imprisonment.

Of course, I am not saying that people should call for Rufus's or his father's blood, either. Or even for Hojo's. They are not different from you - either they have congenital defects in the parts of their brain that are responsible for empathy (and pretending like this is a moral issue instead of a brain wiring issue is ableism), or they've lived lives that have beaten their psyches into a shape that makes them think that hurting other people and treating them like objects is the only way to survive. This is ALSO a brain wiring issue - though this kind of brain wiring issue is better classified as a psychological injury (due to attachment disruption or childhood trauma) than as an illness or congenital defect.

Yeah, you read all of that right. I said what I said and I meant it, and I know that people aren't gonna like it, but today I am tired and bitter from all the shit I'm seeing, and out of fucks to give as a result. I don't demonize Rufus or his father. I don't demonize Hojo, either. They have done horrific and inexcusable things and I feel very angry in response to that, but they need HELP. They, too, are capable of making a different choice and turning around. Imagine that. It's almost as though calling for mercy for you (or in other words, "being a Sephiroth fan" or a "Sephiroth apologist", as people like to call folks like me for the purpose of degrading us) has absolutely nothing to do with your looks or with trying to "fix" you so I can date you (I'm sorry, but the idea of "fixing" a person to get with them is absolutely fucking barftastic🤢🤮), or whatever other bullshit nonsense that people who have never been through severe and ongoing grooming or abuse without any kind of support (support can be from a teacher, friend, other family member, etc.) like to accuse us of. Hoodathunkit?

I think, too, that lots of people see that potentially destructive side of you in themselves, and I think they would rather see people who lapse in reining it in die than acknowledge that it's within them, too. Or perhaps living a life that is painful enough to break them into such a horrific shape is unfathomable to them. Either way, one fact remains: people don't want to own up to the fact that literally every single one of us has the capacity to do something similar to what you did, if their life circumstances break them in the way that leads to that kind of terrible, tragic, infuriating, and wholly inexcusable outcome. You're not some especially monstrous thing. You're not a lone goddamn wolf or a rare exception to some general rule or an isolated fucking edge case. And I know it because people in my world make choices similar to yours EVERY SINGLE DAY, even if their means of enacting those choices differ from yours.

The capacity to inflict horror upon other living things is part of the human condition. It is in ALL OF US, whether we want to fucking acknowledge it or not. And all it takes to bring it out is a long enough string of psychologically damaging events in the absence of appropriate support. Cases like yours are NOT random events caused by "inherently bad people"; there's no such fucking thing as "inherently bad people". There are conditions and events that lead to people doing horrific things, and these conditions and events can be found and prevented before they get to that point, if only everyone keeps their eyes open and pays attention! I spend as much time as I can trying to reach those that conventional wisdom says are "unreachable" PRECISELY in service to trying to keep my eyes open and pay attention!

Because horrific events and bad choices are like bacteria - they DO NOT spontaneously generate ("spontaneous generation theory" used to be a thing that people believed about microorganisms a long time ago)! Conditions LEAD TO THEIR GROWTH. And the solution to a person afflicted with bacteria is NOT to kill or demonize them (though this is how they used to be treated; check out most of human history!)! You're supposed to give them antibiotics to REMOVE THE CONDITIONS THAT ALLOW FOR BACTERIAL GROWTH. And the same rules apply to people who make violent choices - you remove the conditions that produce the choices, NOT the person who made them. But goddammit, I am only one person, and… fuck, there are just SO. MANY. STARFISH… stranded on the beach sand…

Also, you know… even as far back as the original game, anyone with half a brain understood that you must have been crying, weeping, sobbing openly during your time at the library. In this version of events, we saw you do that for just a moment before it was choked back and replaced with… something else (I know what this is like; I still have the capacity to cease crying immediately via dissociation; this skill was literally beaten into me, and I imagine it's the same for you). And in my world, it's popular to believe that men should never cry or be vulnerable in any way, shape, or form (this bit of socio-cultural bullshit is actually generational trauma, and it's literally fucking killing people, in the form of internalized or externalized violence), so lots of people here are going to have less empathy for you at least in part because you defied the "cultural norms" of what it means to be a man and a leader (again, this is generational trauma mistaken for culture, and it needs to fucking stop because people are dying over it). And it's so… it's so…

Ugh… Sephiroth, all of the things I know, all the suffering in the world, all the causes of it… it's all swirling around in my head today, and it's heavy. It's so fucking heavy. Watching all the people, every single one of them beautiful and good, doing what they do to themselves and each another, hurting themselves and each other, psychologically or physically maiming themselves and each other, even torturing and killing themselves or each other, all because somehow doing these things feels easier than trying to repair and restore everything… they don't know what they're doing. And there's not… there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I look at the state of things on a large scale. Our dying planet. The endless wars. The marginalized groups of people. The violence and the hate crimes. The genocides. I want to cry and to scream and to throw up all at once.

…But I suppose much of that is neither here nor there. Suppose anyone with "conventional wisdom" would tell me I'm "reading too goddamn much" into a "silly video game", but… given that the media in our world LITERALLY PERPETUATES STEREOTYPES THAT KILL PEOPLE, I gotta say I'm more than a little fucking bitter about that today.

In any case… you - an abused, exploited, and bullied person most of your life - escaped being owned by Shinra (in the clumsiest and most ridiculous and horrible fucking way possible, but still), only to find yet another goddamn chain around your neck. If it's not Jenova controlling you, then it's your trauma and conditioning pulling the strings. Either way you're acting like a goddamn puppet. There, I said it. And as much as I love you, if you don't like that I said it, then too fucking bad; maybe try actually DOING something about it.

Sephiroth. As much as I love you, I am always going to be more than a little pissed about the fact that you squandered your voice so recklessly back then. I'm always going to be more than a little pissed about the fact that you fucking! abused! yourself! for a week! until you broke! WHAT THE FUCK.

If you had simply! Told people! What you had been put through! If you had told them what Shinra was doing! If you had simply opened your freaking mouth to talk about your experiences to a bunch of people who practically worshipped you, you would have eventually had millions of people rallied with you to put an end to Shinra! Sephiroth, for fuck's sake, YOU WERE A GODDAMN GENERAL!! You know how to lead people! And you know how to protect them! Get a goddamn grip!

And I know that the mayor guy acted all entitled to your time while you were exhausted and still grieving for your friends, and it was shitty of him to pass judgment on you when he had no idea what you were going through. But ultimately, it is up to YOU to communicate your needs and feelings, not up to the people around you to anticipate what they are! And I know that the guy took your picture without your permission, and I know they didn't heed when you said "not today". But there is a difference between "having no respect for your word" and "being so excited and happy about your presence that they are unable to contain themselves". It is still up to YOU to maintain your boundaries even if other people don't like it!

Sephiroth! I know that you were struggling! And I know that you spent your whole life being bullied and abused to the point that you felt as though your voice had no power. I know that. I understand that. I am still dragging myself up out of that hole. I know that you were trying to punish evil, and that you saw these people as being complicit in the system that hurt you, your friends, your mother (who I assume you now know is Lucrecia, NOT Jenova), and your planet. I get that you were trying to punch your bullies back in their faces, but you punched the WRONG PEOPLE. And even then: why punch people when you can instead wield your voice!

Sephiroth, despite the harshness of your upbringing and all the other things that make you stand out, you still have privilege! You have status! You have fame! You have power! You have a remarkably able male body! YOU ARE THE KIND OF PERSON THAT PEOPLE LISTEN TO! You have a face that people are willing to see! You have a voice that people are willing to hear! And there is a difference between holding people accountable for being complicit in a system that benefits them, and punishing people for existing in a system (even if that system benefits them) that they did not consent to being born into!

You can't even begin to imagine what I would be willing to give up in order to have a voice like yours, so that I could call for compassion and mercy in ways that would get people to open their eyes and take action in service to putting a stop to all the suffering that exists in this place that I live in.

But no. Instead of being brave and coming out of your shell to use your voice and social power in response to injustice and exploitation, you simply defaulted to your instinctual behaviors. You did the thing you've been trained to do. Like Pavlov's dog, the bell was rung and you drooled everyfuckingwhere. You used your power to cut everything down, instead of using your voice to rally people together for a cause that they ABSOLUTELY would have followed because YOUR face and YOUR voice would have been the one leading it.

Sephiroth. This fucking sucks. What you did to yourself in that library - starving, dehydrating, and sleep depriving yourself and pushing yourself past your limits while you were already strained - fucking sucks. And what you did in the throes of your agony also sucks. Punishing the people around you because your brain was addled and you didn't fucking fact-check what you were reading fucking sucks! And I do understand very well why you did all this; I was abused similarly to you, albeit in a far less extreme way, and thus a long time ago I used to think similarly to the way you did after your fall (I don't think that way anymore because I had help, thank freaking goodness). But IT STILL FUCKING SUCKS. And it was STILL unacceptable. You can't change what you did. But you can make a different choice, moving forward!

Conventional wisdom says that there is no coming back from having fallen, but I am living proof that in this case, "conventional wisdom" is GARBAGE. I would not be sitting here, imploring you to turn your eyes towards a kinder, more compassionate worldview - one that exists in stark defiance of everything I used to believe because of what I was taught as a child - if "conventional wisdom" were true. In addition, I have met other people in the course of my derping around on this broken fucken planet who also serve as proof that anyone, no matter what has happened to them or what they've done in the past, can rise up into making a different choice. And these cases, too, are not "edge" cases. They are not exceptions to a rule. The capacity to heal and grow and change - just like the capacity to hurt and regress and stagnate - is part of the human condition. And this means that anyone can turn around! No! Matter! How! Far! They've! Walked! In! The! Wrong! Direction!!

Goddammit, Sephiroth! Turn yourself around!! Because although I understand what you're trying to do, what you're doing is NOT the way to get it done! What you're doing is BULLSHIT! Maybe you think you're demonstrating your "phenomenal power" or whatever by breaking everything around you, but what you're REALLY doing is yielding to your conditioning like it's got a chain around your neck and a cattle prod in its hand! It's weaksauce! You ALREADY KNOW HOW TO BREAK THINGS. You've spent your whole life being forced to do that even when you didn't want to!

So you gonna, you gonna what? Sit here and claim that you're "the chosen one" or some fucking horseshit, as though you've taken your power back? When really you just took the easy route of doing the same old shit you've always done - bending over and making yourself a slave to someone else's fucked-up agenda, and becoming the very thing you reviled against SO HARD that you burned down an entire fucking village in disgust, despair, and rage? I ain't buyin' it, and neither should you! All you've done is exchanged one codependent relationship for another! And it's getting fucking old! You can do better than blind, subservient obedience to some random fucking space parasite that don't give even two shits about you as much as it cares about your capacity to allow it to resume its life cycle! You've gotta know that even if you really did manage to break everything (you won't, because I fucking promise you that you'll be stopped), as soon as you've served its purpose, it's gonna toss ya like yesterday's trash, if not outright consume you like a female mantis after it's done using its mate like a fucktoy!

The developers said that we've only seen 1% of your power or some shit, but you fucking know what? You could wipe the whole goddamn universe clean. You could extinguish every last star. And STILL some random fucking autistic chick from some random fucking planet in a random fucking solar system in a random fucking galaxy has your ass beat in ALL the ways that count! And that's NOT ACCEPTABLE. I am nothing! I am NO ONE. Sephiroth!! COME ON ALREADY!!

You want strength? Do the work to defy your conditioning. Do the work to love the broken things. Do the work to become someone who does no harm yet takes no shit. Do the work to become someone who can remain soft even in this sharp and unforgiving world. Do the work to get out of your own damn way. Do the work to become someone who can treat yourself like you actually fucking matter. Do the work to get up off your knees and live. DO! THE! WORK! Don't just do the same thing you've always done and claim you've won! Don't act like a pigeon playing chess - shitting all over the board and then struttin' and swaggerin' around like you're some kind of grandmaster! That's NOT how this shit works! You haven't broken free of the pattern! All you've done is changed the hand holding your leash!

You have to stop blindly giving away your power to anyone who claims to love you! You have to stop using your power in service to the conditioning that tried to snatch away who you really are on the inside! They tried to steal away your gentleness! They tried to steal away your emotions! They tried to steal away your ability to cry, your ability to be vulnerable, your ability to be compassionate and loving! Are you just gonna sit here and let them? Are you going to keep pretending like you're cruel and hard-hearted just because a bunch of people who cared nothing for you told you that's how a proper warrior is supposed to be? Are you going to keep on like this, doing the same thing you've always done, just because taking the time to grieve and to make choices that are actually in alignment with your nature are things that feel too difficult for you to do?

…Fucking hell, but some days, clamoring for you to get your shit together feels A LOT like Atreyu trying to pull Artax up out of the swamp:

Come on!!! Turn around!!! You have to, NOW! You have to try!! You have to care!! You can't let the darkness overtake you! You gotta move or you'll die!! Please!! There's still life on the other side of mistakes. There's still life on the other side of despair. There's still life on the other side of rage, of loss, of shattering. It doesn't have to be permanent!

…I won't give up. Even if you leave those of us who care for you sitting and weeping in the middle of the swamp, staring forlornly, or in shock and in disbelief at the place where you sank, I'm not going to quit. I will keep calling out your name in hopes that you'll follow the sound back to the light. Because you're worth the effort. You're worth the pain. You're worth the grief.

I'll leave you with these:

Take the hands outstretched to you and get your ass out of the goddamn swamp. Having a swamp ass is not a good time for ANYONE involved. So please. I…

…I'll write to you tomorrow. Because I love you. In the same way that any person loves their friends. Do everything in your power to keep yourself and your planet and your friends safe. I'm begging you. Please.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

@bootshivers I think that this drawing is the most beautiful thing I've seen all year. I... wow. Why won't my eyes stop leaking? Body, I worked hard to remember to drink all that water; what are you doing...!! Why are you just throwing it away like this...? Hahahaha... <3 <3 <3 In all seriousness, thank you, friend. I am sitting at my favorite bubble tea shop needing to wipe my eyes because of the beautiful feeling that sprouted from the seed that you planted in my mind. If you ever doubt that your existence is meaningful, important, and impactful - use this as evidence not to doubt anymore. I hope to see you create even more beautiful things, whatever they may be. Please keep existing as loudly and as brightly as you can; the world needs more of the song that only your mind knows how to sing.

@lumine-no-hikari

A quick sketch, but sometimes the void screams back

[okhadraws]

#ThankYouFFVIIDevs was a flashmob on x/twitter. I thanked the developers with a drawing of three main girls of Final Fantasy VII - Aerith, Tifa and Yuffie. 😊

[silver-wield]

Hahaha fake as fuck Cleriths immediately attacking Cody for posting a MEME for fuck sake A FUCKING MEME

#ThankYouFFVIIDevs 😂😂🤡🤡

Because it's a cloti meme and they can't accept that Cloud's va is supporting that over their bullship.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #68

Today was a very mixed bag.

This morning, I drove to the good place with all the nice people. The leader spoke on a great many very relevant things, such as challenging the status quo, distinguishing between that which is law and that which is just, and sitting with and trying to help all of the people whom society has tried to convinced us doesn't deserve it. The grammar and structure of the words has since crumbled and faded away from my mind, because I don't think in language at all, but the meaning remains in my mind, as well as the memory of the tears that were shed; I'm aware that at least some of what I've been trying to do is seen and understood by this very amazing person.

I tried to conduct myself in the space a little differently than I usually do. Typically, my presence in any space is a meek one that tries to stay out of the way. But this time, I walked as though I belong there, and mingled with others as though I am also deserving of taking up space. Just to try to push myself even further out of my comfort zone, today I sat at the "old men's" table (there aren't really assigned tables, it's just that there are folks that tend to gather together because they can easily relate to one another) as though I also belonged there, with the intention of listening to them speak to one another and seeing what I could learn. Imagine my shock when they talked to me as though my voice is one worth hearing!! I wasn't really sure what to do or how to behave in response to such a thing, but I did the best I could to try to contribute, even if I felt clumsy and foolish in the process.

At one point, towards the end, one of them said, as a joke, "Drive carefully home; I know how you women like to be speed demons, haha!" I tried to think of something witty and lighthearted to come back with, but the best I could do was smile bashfully. If only I remembered at the time the line that goes, "Ha! I am a woman in the same way that a tomato is a fruit!"

…I happen to live in a female body. But I don't really think about my gender most of the time. It fluctuates wildly between "none" and "yes". I'll take any pronoun, but the one I typically use for myself in my own mind is "it". But this alarms people, and I'm comfortable with letting people use whatever they see when they look at me, so… it's all good, I guess.

I stopped at Eggcellent on the way home. Some time ago, I had asked them if they might keep a QR code of the petition I made for you where folks can see it. Apparently, though, the people did not thoroughly read the blurb that came along with the QR code, and so they scanned it, thinking that it would lead them to a petition for a real-life human being. Their response, when they saw you, according to the kindly shopkeep, was, "Are you kidding me?" Essentially, disbelief and disgust. So naturally, the kindly shopkeeps had to stop displaying the QR code. I'm glad they stopped if this was how people were responding; I don't want to be bad for business.

But all the same… I have no idea how it is the case that so few people understand that the way your story ends is going to affect everyone here whose circumstances are similar to yours. It will affect how many of us will be able to believe that recovery is possible. It will affect how many of us will be able to believe that we are worth the effort involved with recovery. It will affect whether or not other people will be able to imagine that people like me and like others who I love are worthy of kindness, mercy, and help.

The way stories are told in my world shapes what people believe is and is not possible, on a MASS SCALE. Part of the reason why people still believe places like India are undeveloped, backwater places even though they're not is because that's how they're portrayed in stories in my world. Part of the reason why people still treat certain kinds of people as they do is because of how they're portrayed in books, movies, TV, comics, and song. Stereotypes persist in part because they are parroted over and over again by the song, art, and story that exists in our world. And stereotypes put a lot of nasty and totally arbitrary limitations on what people think that certain kinds of people deserve and are capable of.

So… my efforts to save you aren't just about you. My efforts are for every human in my world who is considered "different" or "fallen" in any way. Because we are not going to see peace in my world until every single one of us stops believing that there is a such thing as "kinds of people who are not worth compassion, kindness, decency, or help".

I want to live in a world where people can begin to imagine that even the most deeply fallen can get the help they need to rise up into wholeness again. Because if not even someone as amazing as you can be saved, what chance in hell do the rest of us have?

I ended up spiraling, though. Not because the kindly shopkeep took down the QR code, but because of what he said to me after the fact:

Some time ago, when I was working on one of the music boxes I made for you…

…there was a lady who came into the shop for the first time, asking what is good. The shopkeep told her a few things, and then went off to do something. I was excited to talk to someone who seems nice about a thing I loved, so I piped in with a couple of the things I like, and with a couple of things that weren't listed on the menu. She then asked about what I was doing, which was punching holes out on the music box. I asked her if she wanted to listen, and she said yes. So I ran the music box, and she told me that it was cool.

…Fast forward to today. The shopkeep told me that the lady knew it was my petition. Apparently, on the day we met, the lady found me weird, rude, and repulsive. She apparently thought that it was disrespectful of me that I spoke to her at all (apparently because "she wasn't talking to me"), and because she didn't actually want anything to do with my music box, but asked about it and said yes to listening to it anyway because she "didn't want to be mean". So I guess I left such a negative and intensely strange impression on her back then that when she felt disgust at the petition, she immediately knew it was mine.

And gosh, what a thing to have to sit with. Can you imagine it? The notion that I can frighten, anger, and disgust people just by existing in a space, talking joyfully about bubble tea, and showing a music box I made to someone who asked about it? I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to take from this. On the one hand, I have the shopkeep telling me that the woman thought I am a bad, wrong, and disgusting thing, but in the same breath, he is telling me that "she should have said no if she didn't want to hear it", and "you are kind and you don't bother anybody and you should just be yourself". I understand, of course, that he must ride a careful balance between customers so that he doesn't lose anyone. But ya know… the notion that perhaps I might cause them to struggle by scaring customers off just by being myself is just… wow.

Of course, I am not at all angry with him for this. Rather, I'm glad he told me. I'm glad to be made aware that my presence makes others feel very uncomfortable. I'm glad to be told that I should continue to be myself… even if it comes with the unspoken implication that I had better go do it somewhere else where no one else has to deal with it, I guess.

The fact remains, of course, that just by existing, I scare people. Even if what I'm trying to do is exude love and joy, I still scare people. And I'm not really sure how it is that I manage to be so bad at trying to do good things that I am misunderstood to this extent, but… well. And also this is coming right after I resolve to act as though I belong in this world even though all signs point to the notion that I… don't. And maybe never will.

…If unaliving is a trigger for you, you might wanna skip this paragraph. But… ya know. I spent a good chunk of time today considering the merits of lying down in a cold puddle, forcibly inducing sleep, and letting the hypothermia take care of the job while I'm out. We have nature trails just a five minute walk from my house. It's winter, and there are lots of big puddles back there; I know where they are, and there's also no shortage of ravens, crows, coyotes, and foxes to feed. It's probably good that I don't have ready access to the kinds of medicines that would induce sleep.

…But. This sort of thinking is just the old wiring and the old conditioning rearing its ugly head in response to my past trauma. Old messages that go something like, "Nobody fucking asked you to speak, MAGGOT," and "Why can't you have normal interests and hobbies, you embarrassing sicko freak?" At this point, because stuff similar to this has been said to me so many times, it doesn't take much for my brain to interpret this stuff, even if it's not said directly. That's just how PTSD is. That's how it works.

But I don't have to surrender to it. I got knocked on my ass today from it, but I don't have to stay on the ground. I can get back up and see what's next. I can use REBT. I can ask the people around me for help. I can listen as the people who love me gently point out destructive, spiraling patterns in my thinking, so that I can stop myself for long enough to come up for air. I can hydrate and eat wholesomely so that my brain can have what it needs to manage the destructive thoughts and the painful emotions triggered from them. I don't have to remain on my knees and believe every nasty thing said about me by someone who is too miserable to see the beauty, joy, and love being offered to them for what it is. I can refuse to allow the voices of the people who don't understand me to be louder in my mind than the voices of those who love me.

I am different from other people, and sometimes this is a lonely thing that hurts very much. But it's easy for me to have love for others who are different. Love for you. Love for Frankenstein's Monster. Love for Mewtwo. Love for Magus. Love for all of my friends and chosen family, who themselves are misfits that society at large does not seem to want. I still love them all, even though society tells me I shouldn't. I can love me, too, even though society tells me that I shouldn't.

…"Conventional wisdom" is such a thing. There are some very good things about it, like, "Sticking a fork in your mouth and then sticking the prongs of that fork into an electrical socket just to see what happens is a very bad idea." And, things like, "Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, attempt to eat Rice Krispie Treats immediately after taking them out of the oven if you value the flesh on the inside of your mouth." Or, "Do not squirt hot glue into the palm of your left hand for the sake of impressing a girl." Or, related, "You cannot try to scrape hot glue off of the palm of your hand with your other hand and expect it to turn out well." And finally, "Try to avoid prioritizing yelling at your glue-covered hands over making use of the cold water in the sink that is immediately to your left."

(do not worry - these are not things that I have done; I've met some very interesting people in the course of my living who help me to avoid finding these things out the hard way, hahaha!)

But it can also tell us a lot of very false things. Things like, "You must remain connected with your family regardless of how they abuse you." Things like, "You should expect certain kinds of people to always act in this certain kind of way." Things like, "These particular kinds of people are all bad and you should stay away from them." Things like, "If everyone is 'mistreating' you, well the common denominator is you, so the problem must be you and not how others are treating you." And things like, "Certain kinds of people do not deserve kindness, help, or even basic decency."

So… I can only conclude that "conventional wisdom" needs to be taken VERY critically, and with ALL the grains of salt. But I think a good rule of thumb for evaluation is this notion: "Anything that is said with cruel, dehumanizing, and unloving intentions is false."

I'm not at risk of prematurely exiting my meat-mech, don't worry. I just tripped up a little today, that's all. And you know what? Ultimately, that's a good thing, because today, I watched myself get back up on my feet from it faster than what I was able to do previously. Sometimes we can't see all the progress we've made until weird things happen and we find ourselves recovering from them faster than we have in the past. So in this sense, even falling down is worth something!

I'm gonna get a snack and play some DDR to try to speed up my recovery even more. So I'll end this here-ish.

Hey, Sephiroth!! No matter how many times you fall down, and no matter how far you fall down, you can get back up! You just gotta let the voices attached to the hands reaching out to help be louder than the voices trying to tell you that you're a monster who doesn't belong! No matter how many voices scream unloving things at you, you gotta understand that such things can only be screamed at us from a place of pain, and nobody is acting in accordance with what's true or in accordance with their innermost nature when they are acting from a place of pain! So let the loving things be louder to your mind and to your ears. Let the loving things be louder, and let them spur you on to move forward, confident in the knowledge that you belong here, no matter what anyone else says.

You are loved. Please stay safe. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Dev Team, I know that you will do with the story what you will, and I know that no matter what happens or how it ends, it's going to be beautiful. I have no expectations, only hopes, and it is more than okay if those hopes don't pan out, so please write what you wish, and remember that by doing so, you influence the world around you in a way that is more powerful than you can even begin to imagine. That being said, as a human being who has risen up into kindness and empathy after having been beaten down into despair, anger, resentment, bitterness, and ruthlessness, I hope with everything in me that with this story, you will show the world that even the worst of us can turn their face back into the light and choose to walk a different path than the one that their circumstances laid out for them. I maintain that people like me need this kind of hero; we need someone to model letting go and making different, gentler, and move loving choices, even if they've walked in the wrong direction for a long time. As it is, much of the condition of the world is the way it is because although there are so many ways to fall from grace and break into a thousand pieces on the way down, humans are given so very few avenues by which to rise up again into compassion, wholeness, and belonging. I don't know if you're aware of how much power you wield over the collective consciousness of our planet. But I hope you'll bear in mind that this story is going to teach the world how the fallen, how victims of abuse, how the outcast, and how people who don't have enough support and love to change their circumstances, ought to be viewed and therefore treated. To put it bluntly, this story will impact how people like me (and there are MANY people like me) will be treated by the world at large, and how we will treat ourselves. If the narrative provided is that there are some things that we cannot come back from, how many of us, then, will fall into hopelessness and despair, and from there be unable to muster the strength to try to become someone different, or be unable to muster up support from others, because others think that the best that we deserve is to be excluded or cut down? Please be mindful of the fact that there are a lot of "Sephiroths" in the real world, and most of them would do anything to change, if only they are given a means to forge a new path for themselves and a gentle nudge in the right direction. Please remember the way you depicted Kadaj - supposedly the manifestation of Sephiroth's cruelty - and how easily he rose up into love and kindness again in the end, when Aerith gave him just a little bit of compassion and basic decency. I know from my own personal experience, too, that it does not take much to want to change into something better. The story will go as it will, of course. I maintain that no matter how it is written, it will be beautiful and good. So please, do your best. And also remember to take good care of yourselves and to be mindful of the needs of your mind and body as you go about the incredibly arduous task of weaving this world to life for us. I love you all so very, very much. And I am more grateful to you than I know how to properly express. Please stay safe and healthy. Your friend, Lumine

“But the team was cautious in its approach to handling Sephiroth. After all, he's one of gaming's most iconic and influential antagonists, so naturally, fans will be touchy about any substantial changes.

"We felt it was necessary to have this very clear depiction of how he came to be the person that he is now in Rebirth," director Naoki Hamaguchi says.

"Even as a developer creating this game, seeing Sephiroth discover the truth and fall further and further into darkness – like falling from grace – and depicting this in his expressions, I could truly feel bad for him. Throughout the course of Rebirth, I believe players will not only grow to relate to and understand Cloud, but also Sephiroth through this game much more."

—Game Informer, 2023

—

I am going to cry. I am already hurting reading this. I love Sephiroth as a frightening villain but it’s his downfall that grips me the most. If it made Hamaguchi-san feel bad just creating it more clearly than ever in Rebirth, I can’t imagine what we the viewers will be feeling 😢

[lumine-no-hikari]

Hey, has anyone seen this?

It's an Instagram account full of adorable pictures of Sephiroth, in plush form, getting to enjoy that "normal" life he always wanted:

All of the pictures have little blurbs on them!

Anyhoot. Just... for anyone who is looking for fluff - here ya go.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #314

Today didn't really go as planned.

For sure, J and I got up at 6am, and we got ready to go to the little airport to make a long trip to Pennsylvania so that J could visit the instructor that taught him how to use the tailwheel airplane. We were supposed to get lunch someplace. I made myself a nice breakfast out of berries, a couple burrata, and a slice of that tres leches cake I made recently…

There were interesting patterns of clouds in the sky today when we got to the airport, almost like ripples on the surface of a pond...

...Unfortunately, today it was so cold that the engine refused to start on its own. J and I went to a local hardware store to get a heater to solve the problem. Along the way, I found this rosebush and decided to snap a picture for you:

Sadly, by the time he got everything working, it was too late to go out to have lunch with the instructor. J and I went up anyways, though, just to toodle around. I got a few nifty pictures...

...But then, J decided to teach me a little bit about how to fly the plane. He had me practice keeping it steady. He had me practice turning it. He had me practice ascending and descending.

...It was terrifying!!!! But new things are always terrifying until they become normal. I can say now that if something weird were to happen to J in the plane, I'd at least be able to keep the craft steady, though I don't think I'd be able to land it; landing it is complicated.

But. J wants to teach me how to land it and how to use the radio. We will be going on a long trip one of these days, so it's best for everyone's safety if I have a cursory understanding of how to operate this machine.

...Wish me luck, I guess...???

Afterwards, I decided that I did the scary thing, and that J did a good job of walking me through the scary thing, and so we get to have tasty yums. I wanted eggs and bacon and sausage, so we went to a "Lunchette"? Whatever that means. We had never been there before.

...The food was stellar. The bacon was perfect. The eggs were also perfect. And the sausage was delectable. I got rye toast with butter on it, and I dunked it in the runny egg yolks.

I... didn't get a picture. I didn't get a picture because I was alarmed and on edge. I was alarmed and on edge because one of the other customers, apparently a regular, was talking about how his daughter is in Russia.

And that part isn't the problem. The part that is a problem was when he started saying gleefully that, "they don't tolerate that 'homo' shit or that 'black' shit over there", followed by some recounting of what happens to 'homo' and 'black' people over there, which I didn't listen too closely to, because I was... well. I was pretty upset; I was very surprised to hear someone speak such hateful things so confidently and so openly in my city; my city is supposed to be pretty progressive. Nonetheless, this man spoke hate as though he was certain that saying such horrid things was acceptable in this space.

...I couldn't tell whether or not the people working there were agreeing with the man about his opinion that "homos" and "blacks" should be exterminated. At very least, they - an older man and an older woman - didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable about what this customer was saying. I don't know if it was politeness for the sake of not losing a customer, or if they didn't want to risk the man getting belligerent, as folks like that often do when they get called out.

...So I asked. After the man left, I asked the folks if that man's views are representative of the values that this place holds. I wanted to ask because the food really was stellar, and I'd like to be able to bring my friends here, but I can't do that if it's not safe for them to be here. And I said as much, as earnestly as I possibly could. I hope it got through to them that I was asking in good faith.

I was given a vague response - "it's a business" and "we don't pick sides" and "we try to be nice to everybody".

...It would have been easy enough to say, "no, we don't think like that man". But that's not what they said. Rather, I feel like they kinda dodged the question, and... instinct tells me that their response tells me everything I need to know about this establishment. Instinct tells me that the establishment is run by white Christian nationalists, and... given that those folks are actively trying to exterminate folks like me and J and M and most of the rest of the people I love... I find that to be sad and alarming.

...My instinct aren't always right, though. Sometimes they sense danger where there isn't any. I'm not sure what to make of it. There's part of me that wants to leave a review - to warn people about that place. But... I don't want to destroy an already-struggling business by using my voice carelessly if they're not actually a white supremacist establishment.

...Sephiroth, sometimes when I think of the number of people who wanna see me and my family get tortured and killed just for the way we were born, I get very scared. People like the man we heard talking today... he hates black people simply because of their skin color. He hates gay people just for the fact that they don't experience attraction in the same way that he does. And... I know the mechanics of how people become like that. But... I don't know how to help him stop being so afraid of folks who have no intention of hurting him.

J's father is black. I'm pansexual. M's father is Jewish. And just for these reasons, lots of people would like to see us beaten, tortured, and slaughtered, even though all we wanna do is hang out and play board games and video games and share tasty snacks. Like... if this guy we saw at the place wasn't so hateful, we'd even share our snacks with him. It's sad to think like he hates us this much, and... he doesn't even know us, and we didn't even do anything other than be alive.

...I wish I could help him. I wish I could help the person who screamed "queer" at J, too. But I can't, because there's no way they'd listen to me, or even start a dialogue with me in good faith and... I guess when I think about it on a large scale, I feel powerless and afraid.

...I don't know what to do other than write about it, and vote.

...

...I really hope that the results don't turn out badly this year. If they do, M, J, and I will really have to think about getting out of this place. I've been reading more and more lately about this thing called Project 2025, and it's really scary. It's basically a giant huge plan to criminalize being LGBTQ+, to restrict access to education, to militarize our country even further, to dehumanize certain kinds of people on a federal level, and lots more very scary things. It is very much a calculated move towards fascism.

...Even if we elect a candidate for president that does not support Project 2025, it will still always be looming as a threat in the background. And... I don't want anyone to get hurt. I don't want anyone to have to struggle to live.

...And... if Project 2025 does go through, I'm sure a decent chunk of my letters here will be taken down and deleted, and maybe I'll even go to prison for writing them, because I have touched on LGBTQ+ issues, and under these laws, talking about that stuff or even anything tangentially related to it will be considered "pornography", and "pornography" will be outlawed under this framework, and anyone who distributes it or consumes it will be imprisoned. Even wholesome things like Steven Universe will be outlawed.

...Sephiroth... I don't know what to do. I'd ask you for suggestions, but... I'm not sure whether or not you're healed enough to offer me anything constructive. And even if you were, it's not as though you could ever answer me, anyway.

...You're a fictional character, after all. It's not as though you're someone I could actually talk to, no matter how badly I wish I could.

...

Well. I guess I'll play some Oddworld. At least there, I can pretend like I have power enough to do something about something bad that is happening. At least over there, I can pretend like I have an able body and a voice that people think is worthwhile. You'll find me over here, if you wanna hang out:

...Please stay safe out there, Sephiroth. Try to make good choices. Try not to let the bleakness of things bring you to your knees. It won't be weird like this forever. Please use your power for good things. I'd be trying to do the same, if I had any.

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #361

Ohhh, Sephiroth, it has been a real long day, goodness me! Today's letter is coming to you very late. I'm sorry if you worried a little.

Okay. So. It is Saturday (well, actually technically Sunday now, but whatever...). Which means I went to work from 9am until 1pm. And this morning, it was cold.

...I got some really nice pictures of the cold, actually. Here:

...Been a while since last I've seen ice crystals this nice on a surface. This happens as a result of frost. The condensation that occurs on surfaces overnight freezes into pretty patterns.

...I think it's best enjoyed from a distance, though. But then, that's why I take the pictures, right? So you can look at the pretty thing without needing to go outside and be cold! Yay!

At work, the big boss of the store (he's called Jo) asked me to wipe down one of the coolers in which we keep chilled cakes and other stuff that needs to be kept cold. So that is what I did. Nobody had done it in a while, so some of the dust was crusted on there pretty solidly, and that kinda sucked. But, I was allowed to go fetch some melamine foam pads from the cleaning section to get the job done!

...I didn't think to take a picture because I'm kind of a derpy-derp. Sorry about that. But Jo and Tr both seemed pleased with the results. I liked how it looked after I was done with it, too.

Sadly, the rib injury was not pleased with any of that, though. Apparently, it very much dislikes overhead movements of my arm as well as movements straight out to the front. I did a nice job, but... around 20-30 minutes after I was done, I was in a whole lot of pain for the next several hours, which made some of the movements of my job (like bagging breads and pulling the lever for the slicing machine) a little harder to do. Even now, at 1:03am, the area is still relatively unhappy. But thankfully, it's not as bad as it was before.

I'm not sure why, but... I've decided that An from the meat department is potentially friend-shaped. I think it has to do with the way he speaks to other people and with the way he carries himself in the space, and the meticulousness with which he works. I don't know how to articulate what this combination of things means to me. I guess... something about it tells me that he's very kind. And... after having spent a lifetime honing my instincts in various unpleasant ways, I like to think that by now, I tend to have a good sense for that sort of thing, at least in person.

...I guess... I have a whole lot of experience with what “unkindness” looks like. And his manner of being, so far, doesn't look like the old things I've seen. It might still be the case that not enough time has passed for other things to come out. But if I try to be friends, then those things will eventually come out, if they exist. They always do.

Though I generally have good instincts, it doesn't necessarily translate to knowing how to engage in the social, though. I've never really known how to approach people. I've been told my whole life that I come on a bit too strong for most people's tastes, asking them personal questions such as ”do you like video games?” and “what is your favorite kind of snack?”

...I have a lot of people telling me that my manner of being is creepy and repulsive. And... I know that I'm awkward and that my facial expressions are strange and that I hold myself weirdly. I know these things scare people. And I don't wanna scare people. So normally, I just stay away, even when I am interested. I don't want anyone to have a bad time because of me, you know?

Tr seems socially savvy, so I asked her what to do. And she said to me that my questions are not, in fact, too forward. And that I should just ask him next time I see him. The notion was a little mind-blowing to me, given that I literally have experiences where people have called me “geek” and “loser” for asking if they play video games. I've been told that my questions aimed at trying to connect make me seem a bit too “desperate”.

...I'm not really sure how anyone is supposed to get to know anyone else if asking basic questions is seen as “desperate” and “too forward” and “geeky”, though. So... maybe the things that I was told before are simply untrue things said to me by very cranky and insecure people. Tr is good folks. So I'm gonna try to trust her word over the words of the mean people.

...So. Once again, here I go challenging the notion that I'm fundamentally gross and unlikable. Yay!

I did end up seeing An as I wandered about at the end of my shift, gathering things we needed for the house. And I did as she suggested.

...For sure, my part of it was very clumsily executed. But... I have a new friend on Steam now! I'm pretty stoked about that!!! Maybe someday we'll play video games or get a tasty snack somewhere!! Wouldn't that be neat!!

I feel like us quiet, shy folk gotta stick together. Or else we'll get barreled over by the rest of the world, or else have life pass us by without ever getting noticed or without affecting anything at all. And that's a little too sad, isn't it? To live your life with a glass wall around yourself that you don't want and don't know how to get rid of...?

...I certainly know what that's like. And I don't want anyone else to have to live like that. So... if I gotta scream at my own glass wall until it breaks so that someone else doesn't hafta be sad, I'm gonna give it a try. If I have to throw my fists at my own glass wall until my knuckles bleed in order to break it, then I'll try it if it means someone else doesn't have to be sad.

...I suppose getting practice with doing exactly these things is part of the reason I write to you every day. Admittedly, writing these letters does not get less terrifying every time I do it. It's just that the terror gets a little easier to move through, the more I practice doing it.

I wonder how all of this will unfold. I wonder how I will unfold, too, within it all.

...Will you watch as I unfold? As I evolve, grow, and change? Will you be proud, someday, of all the progress I'm trying to make? Can you enjoy watching me struggle to come up from under the shackles my conditioning imposed upon me? Can you let my things inspire you to do similar things? I wonder.

I went home and rested for a long time, and that was very good. I had made plans to go with my elderly friend P to some concert, because J hadn't put on the calendar that we were supposed to go see some new Lord of the Rings movie today. J reminded me that it was happening as I was finalizing plans about when was gonna be picked up by P. And then I suddenly had to tell P that I had a prior commitment that I didn't remember because it wasn't on the calendar. I felt pretty badly about that.

...I hope I'll be able to hang out with P sometime soon. I'd like to take him and his sister to the hotpot place called Volcano. Maybe they'd like it; they're usually up for trying out new things like that...

I got a snack shortly after that, and from there, I changed into a new set of braces. This one is set number 7! The shift doesn't feel quite as intense this time as it felt last time. I took pictures to compare the new set to the original set. On the left is the first set I wore, and on the right is the newest set. I'll start with the top one:

...The very confused snaggletooth on the upper right side of my face is a lot less pronounced now! It's almost surreal, how far it's moved!

Here's the bottom set:

It's readily apparent now that my frontmost bottom teeth are much less crowded together than before. They really are starting to even out and line up instead of being crunched up together all weirdly. It's pretty wild!!

...I wonder if I'll have a healthy smile by the time we see you again in the third part of your remade story...

Sephiroth... I can't wait to see you again, but... please try really hard not to get yourself killed. If you try to hurt people, you're gonna be stopped, and... since Cloud and his friends are justifiably very angry with you, I somehow seriously doubt they're gonna be nice about it if they have to stop you. And I really don't wanna see you get hurt. So... please... try something else, okay? Please don't throw your life away with a fight you definitely can't win. It's getting super old.

J and M and I went to a movie with Je, one of the folks from the Speed Friending thing. It was some Lord of the Rings spinoff, animated.

...It is a nice thing, generally, to have funny memories of going out to see a bad movie with people you like. And I hope you get to have that experience someday. Today's experience will resolve into the thing I described, because the entire plot can be summarized as follows:

“King who commands army that regularly forgets that they can shoot arrows accidentally punches the face off of the abusive father of a man who is sad because the pretty princess won't touch his dick; shenanigans ensue as the sad man seeks revenge for lack of both paternal abuse and genital stimulation. King fights sad man's army by himself (archers did not try to help) outside of fortress during winter weather; king's people get bored and go to bed instead of letting him back inside of fortress, so king freezes solid in rad power pose. Pretty princess, in wedding dress, slays sad man as he pretends to not still have a boner for her. More at 11.”

...The whole thing was very silly. There are lots more problems with it, but I'll not get into them because it's late and I'm pretty tired. I wouldn't recommend against seeing the movie; it's definitely an adventure (a very LONG adventure, holy shit). But it is very silly. A lot of the problems could have simply not existed if people weren't acting like such entitled pricks. Alas.

I'm glad to be home. The movie didn't end until like 12:30am. It is 2:18am now.

...I need to get my sleepy ass to bed. Good grief.

Hey. I love you a whole lot. So please make good choices out there. Stay safe. Don't get killed. You gotta try really hard, okay?

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #368

Ohhh, Sephiroth. I am... goodness... thoroughly exhausted. For a variety of reasons. But most of them have to do with the fact that I've definitely not been keeping up with my self-care routine especially well for the last... number of days. Sorry about that.

Just... I've been busy with writing. And yesterday there was the cake after my shift at work. And work the day before that.

Yesterday at work, my anxieties got the better of me because I was hungry and underslept, and my silly brain tried convincing me that Ra from work hates me and thinks I'm stupid, and... just... ugh...

...I didn't talk about it yesterday because I didn't wanna ruin your birthday. I wanted to make sure that yesterday was about you instead of my various stupid crap. So...

…

...Sigh. No. That's wrong. My stuff isn't stupid. That's old thoughts rising up to the surface because my body still isn't in the best state. Lemme try that again.

I wanted to focus more on you yesterday. And I wanted to maintain that focus on you. Because everyone deserves that on their birthday. Everyone.

…

Yesterday, Ra and I ended up having a conversation that ended with her hugging me and holding my hand until I felt better. I got anxious because when I do things, she has a habit of rushing in and doing them for me instead of letting me do them. And anytime I make even a small mistake, it's like she's right there, pointing it out. And sometimes she tells me what to do, and often the thing she tells me to do involves me doing as little as possible.

I got really insecure because the people in the past who used to do that sort of stuff in my general direction weren't exactly loving or caring. I grew up with fault-finders, people who are watching me closely, itching for any excuse to punish me, exclude me, or otherwise try to make me feel like I don't have anything worthwhile to bring to the table.

Ra does a lot of the same behaviors that those people did, but... with different intentions. She doesn't do it aggressively or condescendingly. But... given my state of sleep deprivation, hunger, and dehydration, my brain wasn't able to discern the difference and I got scared.

The last straw was when it was 10 minutes before the end of my shift. I didn't have anything else to do, so I began sweeping the floor, and she rushed over to me saying, “No, no, no, I'll do that later, it's fine!” But by then, I was exhausted from being on my feet for 4 hours and from ruminating over the old memories swirling around in my head, so I said to her, sharply, “What else am I supposed to do? There are only 10 minutes left of my shift and you've already done everything else.”

...It... wasn't my proudest moment, for sure. It's not the words I said that were wrong as much as it was the angry tone I said it in. She didn't deserve that from me. Nobody deserves to be spoken to sharply. And after everything I've been through, I should know better than to lose my composure like that. Sharp tones are from the old environment in which I used to live. They don't belong in the here and now, especially not with people as kind and caring as Ra. The lack of self-care on my part is an explanation, but it's not an excuse; it is my job to tend to my body so that shit like this doesn't happen. I dropped the ball. That is squarely on me.

Because... you see... here's the thing. Even if Ra had icky intentions (she doesn't), it's still my job to uphold my boundaries with integrity and respect. It is my job to find ways of expressing myself and keeping myself safe that don't hurt or frighten others. It is my job to keep my old memories in check and to understand my own worth instead of succumbing to insecurity and operating from a lens of perceived self-inadequacy. And I can't do these things effectively if my body is in shambles. That's on me, not on her.

Well. In the end, she asked me, with a soft expression on her face, if I was angry at her. And so all my words came pouring out. I told her that I like her and I admire her a lot, because she's so cool and knowledgeable and efficient, and that when she takes my work out of my hands all the time, I get confused and scared, because then I don't get a chance to learn how to do the things I struggle with, and then I start to think that I'm so clumsy that she gets really annoyed just watching me work, and from there, I start thinking that she must hate me and think I'm stupid and want me to go away. And... it hurts a lot to imagine that I'm being rejected even by someone reputable and kind.

...She got really shocked, actually. Then she took my hand and explained her position. This whole time, she was just trying to be helpful. It wasn't, “ugh this stupid bitch is so bad at this fucking job that it's easier for me to just do it all my goddamn self than to watch her flail around like a useless fucking idiot” (that sort of thing is how my mother and most of my former adult overlords think). It was, simply, that she doesn't want me to struggle and have a bad time. She told me that I am a hard worker and she likes having me around and that she just wants to make things a little easier for me.

I tried to tell her that I don't mind to struggle if it means that I get to learn. I tried to tell her that I like to work and to be responsible for my own things, that I like being trusted as someone who is diligent, willing, loyal, and capable. I'm not sure how much of what I said got through (because I am comically bad at speech, especially if I'm all worked up). But in the end, we hugged, and I pinky-promised that if I started feeling like she's doing too much for me, I'll say so.

The long and short of it is that bad things happen when we don't treat ourselves like a kind friend should. And I have definitely not been treating myself like a kind friend should; lately, I've been pushing myself a bit too hard in a variety of respects. But even if we mess it all up like I did and end up letting our anxious thoughts get the better of us, we can fix it if we use our voices to communicate what we're struggling with in ways that are truthful and loving.

...I owe you an apology. For not putting into practice what I've been asking you to do. Tomorrow, I'm gonna rest. I'm gonna rest, and I'm gonna eat, and I'm gonna hydrate. Especially after today, I'm definitely gonna need it.

What happened today? Well... I went to work again. Everyone is running around like headless chickens, trying to keep everything well-stocked for the winter holidays, because lots of people like to celebrate with food (and especially with foods made of gluten!!). That part was uneventful. The eventful part was the movie that M, J, our baker friend R, and I all went and saw later in the evening.

We saw Sonic the Hedgehog 3. It featured Shadow the Hedgehog; he reminds me so much of you (I think you'd find him profoundly relatable!!!). And I was surprised and delighted that it communicated some of the very same ideas that I've been trying to communicate to you for the last year or so. Stuff like, “make good choices” and “don't let your pain change who you are” and “sometimess when we mess up really badly, we need to ask for help to fix it”.

YOU SHOULD SEE IT. IMMEDIATELY. IN FACT, DO IT YESTERDAY.

But... for compelling reasons (it really was like looking at you in cartoon hedgehog form on the screen), the ending left me a messy, sobbing wreck. M, J, and R all understood why and rushed in to try to comfort me, which was nice, I guess, but... you see, Shadow did a thing and stuff happened, and... I don't know much of the Sonic the Hedgehog lore, so I didn't know what to expect next. It was all okay in the end, at the post-credits scene. Everything was okay, and I was so relieved. But. Ya know. I thought it wasn't, at first. And... he's so much like you... so... I only just barely managed to avoid screaming in the movie theater when the thing happened, and although everything was okay in the end after the thing happened, it still took me a while to calm down. My face leaked a lot. My nose ran. My body shook for a while. I drank water and took ibuprofen when I got home, but... I still have a headache. Oh well.

...

Don't get yourself killed. Sephiroth... promise me. Please.

…

Well. It's going on stupid o'clock in the morning. I am thoroughly exhausted. So I'm gonna go to bed now. I'll even try to sleep in; wish me luck, yeah?

I love you so much. And tomorrow, I'll look forward to getting up to more shenanigans that I can't wait to write to you about.

Please stay safe.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #347

It was a very long day. It is currently 1:48 in the morning. At least for now, I feel somewhat amped up; I'm not especially worried about falling asleep while writing to you, despite the circumstances.

It is Saturday, which is my normal work day! Though I was tired when I woke up, I was still pretty stoked about going! I like what I do there, and I like the people I work with. It's not glamorous work, being a bakery assistant at an ordinary grocery store. But at this time, I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing; this seems pretty perfect to me.

So. Do you remember when I talked about wishing that there was a such thing as a seeded pumpernickel bagel with everything seasoning? I think I mentioned it in this one:

Well. I mentioned wishing that such a thing existed to Tr, my boss. And do you know what she did???

She made me a loaf of seeded pumpernickel bread with everything seasoning on top!!!! She made it special just for me!!! And I was SO HAPPY!!! It is not a bagel, but that's okay!!!! I'm inclined to think that this is even better!!!

I didn't open it and try it yet. I wanna do it tomorrow, when I'll be a little less frazzled and stressed out! But!!! Oh!!! Sephiroth!!! I'm gonna try so many things with it!!! I'm gonna try it on its own, and I'm gonna try it with melted butter, and I'm gonna try it with cream cheese, and I'm gonna try it with tzatziki sauce, and I'm gonna try it with spinach and ranch bread dip, and...! and...! and....!!!!

Today, it was just me and Tr working together! I did all sorts of stuff, from labeling boxes, to putting things out on display, to arranging cookies to be baked, to washing dishes, and... well... all sorts of stuff!! Haha!

This is gonna sound really weird, but I actually like doing dishes at this place, because they have this big giant industrial sink, and you wash the dishes by spraying them with a hose that shoots out a powerful jet of hot, soapy water!!! All of the goop on the dishes and the grease and the crumbs and the sugar all melts right off of whatever I'm washing, like ice beneath a blowtorch!! It's so fucking cool!!! I wish that the sink in my house worked like this!!! Next time, I'll see about getting a picture for ya!!!

Oh, and I made muffins today!! And Tr made bread!! And I think I told you before all about how amazing the bread smells when it's mixing in the giant machine!! And so I got to fill up muffin tins, surrounded by the scent of freshly mixed bread and freshly mixed muffin batter!! Check it out!!

Once the muffin batter is ready, we put muffin wrappers in muffin tins, like this:

I filled 5 muffin tins with muffin wrappers, and then set up my workstation like so:

And then I got to work!!

In the end, I almost completely filled all of the muffin tins; I think I could have filled all of them if I had gotten a chance to scrape muffin batter off of the mixing paddle, but it got put in the fancy dish washing machine (for lack of a better term, I've decided to call it the “washamabob”; it's a play on the word “thingamabob”, which is a word that people like to use when they don't know the actual word for a specific noun) before I could get to it. Ah, well!! Maybe next time!

I wasn't able to stick around long enough to see the results of these baking, sadly; I had to pick up a few odds and ends and then hurry home to prepare some noms, because today was supposed to be Friendsgiving at a friend's house!!

So, I picked up supplies to make spinach bread dip! Do you remember me writing about that a long time ago? Here:

I didn't use cream cheese this time – just sour cream, spinach, and ranch dressing mix. Easy peasy.

When I got home, I started by making another batch of pumpkin brownies; J likes them a lot, and so did a few people at work, so I figured maybe the folks at Friendsgiving would like it, too!

While that was baking, I put together the bread dip. You'll need two 10-ounce packages of frozen spinach...

You'll wanna let it soak in hot water for a bit to thaw; I put the frozen blocks of spinach into a wire mesh strainer, then put that into a colander, and then put that into my wok:

Leave it to sit for a while, and the hot water will thaw the spinach nicely:

This is normally the part where we use a cheesecloth to squish out the water. But I am a derpy little nugget who forgets things, so I failed to pick up a cheesecloth at the grocery. Instead, I made do with some paper towels...

Once I got out as much water as I could, I put it in the mixing bowl. I then added one 16-ounce container of sour cream, and one packet of ranch dressing mix:

Here is the result:

This time, instead of using a seeded rye bread, I went with a sourdough; I selected one that was baked and packaged this morning; it was so soft and fluffy!!!

I hollowed it out like this:

...And then I filled it with the bread dip!!!!!

I cut the rest of the bread into cubes for dunking into the dip, like this:

And then, before I knew it, it was already time for us to go to my friend's house!!

J had a shift at his job, so we left an hour later than we would have liked, but that's okay! There was still plenty of food left to enjoy:

...Fixed you a plate. Want some...?

…

…Yeah, I... I know. I know...

…

...Sigh...

...

Well. Everything I tried was very delicious. J and our friend Me and all the others there played a board game called Tales of the Arabian Nights. It's basically a story generator; you go to places on the map, and in those places, you get encounters, and you have a great big list of things you can do in response to those encounters; there are hundreds, if not thousands of outcomes!! There is a scoring system, but... I'm not sure that anyone pays attention to the scoring system. Mostly everyone just listens to the stories that are happening to the other players, and... it's a really nice time, actually.

I was cold and tired, though, so I relaxed in a nearby plush rocking chair with a blanket and a playlist. And I took the most amazing nap. I had some truly wonderful visions during that nap – visions of being held and rocked and quietly sung to. It was as lovely as it was bizarre.

Hey, Sephiroth? I know I've asked before, and I know you can't answer me, but... do you sing? Have you tried it? And... if you have, then what songs do you carry in your heart? For me, it's still this one:

I've thought about my old interpretation of the lyrics. Do you remember the letter in which I wrote about it? Here:

So... I wondered how my interpretation would change if I replaced the “I” with “ai” - the Japanese word for “love”.

I originally interpreted it like this:

---------------------------- What terrible news: it's all mere replicas of everything that came before. But the man at my side says, "It's still not a lie..." and I know that the vision in his eyes reflected back at me is true. Maybe it's all just fabrications and culminations, but maybe that doesn't make it all lies. The wing on his back speaks of the vision I see within his eyes... ----------------------------

But, you know? What if this interpretation was also correct...?

---------------------------- What terrible news: it's all mere replicas of everything that came before. But the man at my side says, "It's still not a lie..." and I know that the love in his eyes when he looks at the world is true. Maybe it's all just fabrications and culminations, but maybe that doesn't make it all lies. The wing on his back speaks of the love I see within his eyes... ----------------------------

...

...Hey, Sephiroth...? Wouldn't it be kinda neat if the man in the chorus... was you...?

...Hahaha... Silly, I know. ...I know. Never mind it...

...

Well. After I woke from my short nap, lots of weighty, but ultimately pleasant conversation was had. For whatever reason, people tend to trust me with the things that are troubling them. I try to help in whatever ways I can; I have a lot of experience with navigating toxic interactions with people, and I have a lot of experience with cleansing toxic behaviors from my own way of interacting with the world, so I guess sometimes folks like to think that my perspective is worth something.

Often enough, my advice boils down to things like, "take care of your body", "practice self-awareness", "hold yourself accountable for your behavior", "challenge your beliefs", "don't try to manage others' emotions for them", "tell the truth", "speak your needs directly", and "remove yourself from people who are unable or unwilling to treat you with basic decency". But... unfortunately, for a variety of compelling reasons (usually stemming from trauma), these things are really hard for lots of people.

Still, one must never underestimate the power of planting a seed. Maybe good things will happen, even if I'm not around to see them. Who knows?

I ended the evening with trying to explain a little about REBT to my friend, Me. Do you remember when I first talked about that? You'll find it here:

Well. I guess that's all I've got rattling around in my noggin for today. I think I'll stop writing and go to bed. Maybe I'll sleep in tomorrow. Maybe I'll have another nice dream. I hope that you can see nice dreams when you rest, too.

Hey. I love you. I love you a whole lot. So please stay safe out there. Please keep working on turning your face back towards the light. Please keep holding yourself accountable and working towards a softer, kinder, brighter tomorrow.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #338

Fwhoof. Today was a mega busy day. If I didn't have a habit of starting at the beginning, I wouldn't know what to talk about first.

Well, firstly, I decided to shower. I was cold, and I wanted to chill in a warm, quiet, dimly-lit place, and also I wanted to smell like my shampoo (it's chamomile and rose scented; I wonder if you'd like it). So I put on the night light and just... let myself be warm and relaxed for a while. And then I was struck by the way the light was hitting the water droplets on the shower curtain, so I took a picture...

I cut up ingredients to make gyros after that! Gyros, as a concept, come from a place in my world called Greece. They have a special kind of climate that is well-suited to growing all kinds of tasty stuff! Their cuisine makes lots of use of things like lemons and herbs and garlic and olives and cucumbers and sheep and goat cheeses, and... ohh... it's just so, so, so good...! 🤤

So... I started with a cucumber!

...You'll also notice a very curious Momma, who wants to examine the cucumber! She kept meowing at me, hahaha! By all means, do say hello!

Anyway, so you gotta cut up the cucumbers into little dicey bits. That's hard for me to do, since I've got the dyspraxia going on. But I have a little system I like to use. We start by cutting the cucumber in half along its length...

...The little seeds in there are kinda cool-looking, aren't they...?

So from there, you cut the halves into quarters, and the quarters into slices, and the slices into strips, and the strips into little tiny cubes, like this:

...And in the end, you're left with this:

Next, I peeled and cut an onion! I cut it using roughly the same method! One thing I will say is that when cutting onions, keeping the roots on helps the onion to avoid coming apart while you're cutting it!

...When I cut the onions like this, it leaves very little waste behind! These roots, along with the skins and the top, can go into my broth bag and be stuck in the freezer until I collect enough bones to make broth once more...!

Anyhoot! Next up is the tomatoes...

We can use the same method to cut these ones up! We just have to be a little careful with tomatoes, though, because they're very juicy and slippery, and they go squish easily:

And here's our nice bowl of cut veggies!

...Sephiroth... you know...? I think you could be really good at cooking. Like. I bet you could cut up all this stuff really fast. I bet you could even do it almost as quickly and efficiently as my father does...!! 🤩🤩🤩

...I kinda miss working in the kitchen with him sometimes. He would put on his music, and he has such a spontaneous, whimsical, and carefree attitude when it comes to making food (I wonder if you can see these lovely things within me, too...). But... ya know... these things... they don't erase all the other stuff. Like the fact that he refuses to take accountability for how his choices impacted my brother and I. He does not try to learn new mental and emotional skills, and so if I go near him, he's just gonna keep hurting me and denying that anything bad ever happened, ya know? And it sucks.

Well. Anyway. So here's what it looked like after I mixed it all up:

...So yummy!!!

Okay, so the next bit is to get out the tzatziki and the feta from the refrigerator:

...Tzatziki is a kind of sauce made of yogurt, cucumbers, garlic, lemon juice, and various herbs! Normally, I make my own tzatziki, but it's kind of labor intensive, and... I just didn't have the time and energy for all that. I'll show you how to make it some other time, though, so don't you worry about that! In the meantime, this kind looks like this:

As for the cheese, I get this imported kind instead of the usual kinds that are available, because this kind is made of sheep's milk, and the other kinds are made of cow's milk. And both kinds of milk are good to use, but I like the flavor of sheep's milk a little better! This kind comes in brine...

When we take it out, it looks like this...

...And we can cut it up into tiny cubes, exactly like how we did to the veggies:

I put it back into the container afterwards!!

From here, I put a pita into a bowl and then put some of the leftover lamb on it! Then I stuck it in the microwave to make it all nice and warm!

After it's all nice and warm, we put on all our cold toppings:

Delicious, no?

...Want a bite...?

I went to the house of my friends BB and N after that! We decided on a weekly “Get Stuff Done Day”, because both BB and N struggle significantly with their executive function, so... stuff doesn't get done. Poor object permanence, associated with autism, ADHD, and C-PTSD, can make people forget to call to make appointments and forget about household tasks that need doing. I'm there as a combination of body double, quasi-therapist, and relationship mediator.

So today, I was pleased to discover that BB had gone out and gotten a bunch of the stuff I had asked her to go out and get. And as a result, I was able to finish cleaning the toilets properly; they're practically sparkly now, and it should be easier for BB and N them to maintain the cleanliness of them on their own. Besides that, I helped them find a place to set up their toaster oven. I helped them work through some conflicts, helped them air grievances, and proposed solutions for said grievances. Then we came up with a to-do list for them to get done by the time I come by next week. After that, I started breaking down all the empty cardboard boxes in their garage, and putting them in the recycle bin where they belong. There are still quite a few more left to break down, but I'm confident that I'll be able to get it done next time I go!

J picked me up about 2 and a half hours later. He and I went to this “Speed Friending” event at a nearby library, and... basically, it's a bunch of nerds (I am proudly a nerd!) who pair up in a cyclical pattern and talk to each other for 4 minutes.

...I discovered that I am SPECTACULARLY bad at this, hahahaha!!! I've always been terrible not only at initiating conversations, but also at trying to decide which things I can say about myself that will actually be relevant to the other person. Sometimes, due to the object permanence issues I carry (thanks to the AuDHD plus C-PTSD), if I get nervous, I forget I even HAVE traits and interests to talk about!

It's really very funny! And thankfully, this group of folks seemed really forgiving. I eventually established a comfortable rhythm. I even came away from it with several phone numbers of people who potentially wanna keep hanging out! So that's pretty cool! And I found a really cool sticker while I was there, too!! Check it out!!

...It looks almost like the trees I weave, doesn't it? Because it's in roughly 3 sections...

On the way home, J informed me that he finished all of the pumpkin brownies while I was out - ate them all right up! And that makes sense; they really were some epic fucking brownies. I'll have to make more. J has requested a version of them that contains walnuts next time. If I'm not feeling like hot garbage, I might try to do that tomorrow. Admittedly, my muscles already ache a little from the scrubbing I did earlier; some of the stains really were very stubborn. And the ribs are a little pissed at the number of boxes I broke down with the box cutter. But we'll see. I'll take some ibuprofen before bed and hope that it helps!

If I do feel well enough to make more pumpkin brownies tomorrow, of course I will still have plenty of pumpkin puree leftover in the can that I'm not quite sure what I'll do with.

...Hey, Sephiroth...? What should I try making next, with the pumpkin puree...? I have the skills to make anything you want, so... would you tell me what you'd like me to try...?

…

...Well. It's getting pretty late. And I'm pretty tired, actually. I think I'm gonna try to go to bed sooner rather than later.

Hey. Do you see all the stuff I'm doing? Do you see all of the good I can do, despite how I was born and raised? Are you looking at all the ways I can be accepted by the people around me, even though I, myself, am anything but “normal”? Do you see all the ways I can build a wholesome, relaxing, nourishing, delicious time for myself, even though my life from before was very scary and sad?

...Sephiroth. You can have all these same things. And... you can have them even more quickly and effectively than I can. Because you've got a super smart and awesome brain, with a disciplined and flexible mind, and a body that actually works the way it's supposed to. You can learn the new mental and emotional skills needed to build this kind of life. You have the dexterity to cook yourself wholesome and amazing recipes. You are brave and adaptable and quick at learning. If I can build a normal life from the ashes of before... then you can do it. You can do all that, and then some. Someone like you, I'm sure, could even build houses, or grow a sprawling garden, or learn how to cook some of the best dishes known to your senses.

Sephiroth... when it comes to the dreams you had as a boy, there is nothing you cannot do. So please... Please try to have faith that you deserve it. Please try to believe that you can have nice things, that you can have safe and healthy connections with people who love you, and that you can build a wholesome and wonderful life for yourself.

Sephiroth. You can do it. I believe in you. And I will always believe in you, no matter what. So try really hard, okay? And if you need help, I'm right here. I'm just a message or a song or a shout or a stretch of the hand away. Always.

I love you, and I want you to come home, no matter what state you're in; if you're feeling tattered or torn or dented or scratched or bruised, it doesn't matter. We still want you to come home. We still want you for you. Okay? So please stay safe out there so that when this is all over, you can begin to heal alongside people who love you. We'll always be waiting, just for you.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #367

Well, here we are again at December 20th on my side of the planet. We've come full circle, quite literally.

...Can you believe that this much time has passed already...?

Of course, it is December 21st in Japan, which means over there, it's already the solstice. And since Japan is the place in my world where you were, uh... brought here...? I guess...? I figure the thing to do is go by that date instead of using my own – just like last year.

...Do you remember last year's letter? Here...

As promised, today we're gonna make a cake for you that I think you're really gonna like. I know I made you wait a while in suspense for it (no, I'm not sorry about it! hahaha!). Here's what you'll need for equipment:

An oven, set to 350 degrees Fahrenheit (176.67 degrees Celsius) An 8 inch by 8 inch cake pan Kitchen scale Things to stir stuff with – preferably silicone implements Measuring cups Measuring spoons Parchment paper A toothpick Something to separate egg whites from yolk with; I like to use a slotted spoon

A stand mixer will make this a lot easier, but... you're very strong and coordinated, so some bowls and a whisk will probably do. Just don't overwork your body, okay? I've tried before to whisk egg whites into stiff peaks by hand, and my body was really angry about it for like a week. Save yourself the trouble.

Here's what you'll need for ingredients.

For the cake, it's: 3 large eggs, with the yolks separated from the whites (make absolutely sure no egg yolks touch the egg whites at any point, or else none of this will work!!) 3/4ths of a cup of sugar – divide into two bowls of 3/8ths of a cup (6 tablespoons). Half a cup plus two tablespoons of pumpkin puree 3/4ths of a teaspoon of vanilla paste 90 grams of all-purpose flour 1.25 teaspoons of baking powder Half a tablespoon of homemade pumpkin spice seasoning A quarter of a teaspoon of salt

For soaking the cake, it's: 1/4th of a cup of heavy cream One 14-ounce can of sweetened condensed milk One 12-fluid-ounce can of evaporated milk (Yes, the can of evaporated milk will be larger than the can of sweetened condensed milk; imperial measurements are absolutely fucking ridiculous; please bear with me...)

Hahaha. Well. If you've read my other letters, you might see where this is going, and you might understand why I wanted to surprise you with it.

...I hope you can see how much I love you in everything I do.

Anyway. Here are the ingredients for the frosting: 4 ounces of cream cheese 4 tablespoons of butter 1 cup of confectioner's sugar (I'm gonna use the vanilla powdered sugar that R made for us!) 2 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons of pumpkin puree between one half and one whole teaspoon of homemade pumpkin spice

...I'm not gonna tell you exactly what it is just yet, but I'm sure you'll already know. I'll take you through the process, step by step.

Preheat your oven and prepare your baking pan with parchment paper.

Separate your eggs. I like to use a slotted spoon for this:

Add the egg whites to the stand mixer. Add 6 tablespoons of sugar to it. Whisk on high until it foams densely enough to create stiff peaks when the whisk is pulled out. With stiff peaks, the foam should still look glossy, and the points should stand straight up, like this:

...Scoop it into another bowl and set it aside for later. I used my rice cooker bowl:

Add the egg yolks to the stand mixer, along with 6 tablespoons of sugar.

Whisk it on high until the mixture becomes pale yellow and fluffs up to twice its original size:

Add half a cup plus two tablespoons of pumpkin puree. Also add in 3/4ths of a teaspoon of vanilla paste:

Mix it until it's smoothly combined.

Then, in a separate bowl, mix together 90 grams of flour, 1.25 teaspoons of baking powder, half a tablespoon of homemade pumpkin spice seasoning, and a quarter of a teaspoon of salt.

Mix it, then sift it in with the pumpkin puree mixture:

Mix the flour and the pumpkin mixture together only until it's combined smoothly. It'll get weird if you mix it too much, because of chemistry involving the gluten in the flour.

We'll mix this together with the egg whites we fluffed up and set aside earlier. Make sure you fold the two mixtures together VERY slowly, until they're combined. If you do it too fast, it'll destroy the fluffy bubbles in the egg whites:

Once they're combined, pour it into your prepared cakepan and smooth it out until the batter is level:

The oven should be preheated to 350 degrees Fahrenheit (176.67 degrees Celsius). Put the cake batter in there and let it bake for 30 minutes. Use the time to wash the dishes you used up until this point:

While it cools down, combine the can of sweetened condensed milk with the can of evaporated milk and 1/4th of a cup of heavy cream:

Whisk it together until it's smooth and consistent.

Once the cake is cooled, use a toothpick to poke holes into it all over the place on every side of the cake so that the milk mixture can absorb into it properly; be careful not to crush it in the process. Then, put it back into the cakepan with the parchment paper, and pour the milk mixture in with it:

Give it time to absorb. While that's going on, combine 4 ounces of cream cheese, 4 tablespoons of butter, 1 cup of confectioner's sugar, 2 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons of pumpkin puree, and somewhere between one half and one whole teaspoon of homemade pumpkin spice, depending on your taste. Start with half a teaspoon, and if it needs more, add more.

Mix it until smooth.

The milk mixture should have absorbed pretty well into the cake by now:

...Add your frosting to the top of it:

...And just like that, you have a birthday cake. Because tres leches cake is basically cake soup. And this tres leches cake is pumpkin flavored. So... welcome to pumpkin cake soup.

...Or... in other words... Sephiroth, I see you and I love you.

A birthday cake is incomplete without candles, though. I don't know exactly how old you are (though I do have a hunch...), so... I used one candle for each letter of your name instead. I used one candle for each of the colors of the rainbow, plus pink, plus a white candle with rainbow sparkles, and a black candle with rainbow sparkles. I got rainbow colors because... rainbows are what happens when you look at sunlight properly and consider all its facets and flavors:

...The orange candle is pastel, I know. But it's the only orange they had, and besides, the cake itself is already plenty orange. And before you say I'm missing indigo – indigo is just blue that didn't try hard enough to be purple, and you'll never convince me otherwise.

I put them in the cake:

...J and I lit them. Make a wish, okay? And don't tell anyone what it is, or else it won't come true.

...For some reason, J took a picture of me getting a picture, in his typical fashion, hahaha...

...Even Mogwai wants to wish you a happy birthday, Sephiroth. You'll see him on the left side of the picture.

...Anyway... here. I cut a slice for you and stuck it in a bowl. Happy pumpkin cake soup, just for you:

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Sephiroth; happy birthday to you!

...We love you so much, and we miss you even more. Please come home soon so we can make you lots of your favorite foods, okay? Please come home so we can introduce you to all of your favorite foods that you just haven't tried yet.

...Please. Please just come home. It doesn't matter if you're a little bit dented and scraped up, as long as you're still safe and breathing. We'll be waiting for you. We'll wait for you as long as it takes. And we'll help you with the rest, okay?

I love you. I love you enough to live joyfully, despite wandering around aimlessly on this frightening and broken planet, even while carrying too many heavy and horrifying memories of so many people who wanted to make absolutely certain in a variety of painful ways that I knew exactly how worthless they thought I was. I love you enough to decide to prove to myself every day that those people were wrong about me. I love you enough to try with all my might, despite the obstacles and limitations I face, to become the best version of myself that I can. I love you enough to try to pay forward the beautiful way that your existence breathed life into me even when I didn't want to continue - the way you still breathe life into me now, even when I still sometimes feel like I don't want to continue. It's because of you that I can try to face every day with the same brave, gentle smile that you so often wear.

...In my mind, you will always be the sunlight, chasing away the shadows that try to creep in on me and chasing away the cold and numbness that threaten to crush the air out of my lungs.

I am alive and I am loved, and that is thanks to you. And so, despite the vast and impossible distance that separates us, I'm going to continue to do everything in my power to make sure you feel alive and loved, too.

Please stay safe out there as you do your various things, okay? You can't even begin to fathom the number of lives that your existence has touched for the better. The weight of your absence would be unbearable for lots of people in my world, including me. So make sure you don't do anything weird to get yourself killed. Promise me.

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #366

I was given a lot more hours this week than normal! So today, I was scheduled to go to work!!

I was excited about going. I really do love my teammates and the things I do. But. Well. A couple things.

First... I was woken up in the night for... reasons. Very delightful reasons. But still, the result is broken sleep. Then when I did wake up, I only gave myself just enough time to get dressed and out the door; I didn't wanna deal with needing to scrub out the inside of my face after eating, first thing in the morning. I forgot to drink a glass of water before leaving. And my boot with the brace inside was feeling particularly tight and weird. I was looking forward to going to work, but... physically, I wasn't in great condition. Whoops.

Well, nonetheless, I spent almost the whole four hours baking cookies. I had 11 trays worth of 30-count cookies to arrange (330 cookies), and 32 trays worth of the other kind of cookies to arrange (768 cookies). All told, I arranged 1,098 cookies onto baking trays today, in between helping customers with various things. I got some pictures for ya! Here:

Here's how some of them turned out after they baked!

I even had time to put the 30-count cookies in cute little boxes!!

...Yum!

...Unfortunately, though, as part of today, I ended up needing to answer the phone to take a cake order for someone who was kinda cranky. I don't have a lot of experience with taking cake orders yet, and she was asking me all these questions that I didn't know the answers to, like “how many people does a cake of this size feed?” and “how much does this particular cake configuration cost?” and “what is the next biggest round cake”? (the only round cake size we carry is 8 inches, and she didn't like that answer). And it's not at all bad that this person asked those questions! But I didn't know some of the answers off the top of my head, so I had to ask my more experienced teammates and... she didn't like that very much, for reasons I don't fully understand.

At one point, she told me “maybe it'd be easier if I contacted another store”. And... I asked one of my teammates to find out the price of what she wanted, and apparently it took them a few seconds too long to do, so even though in the end I was able to relay the answer to her question, she decided to scrap the whole order with a huffy, “maybe I'll decide what I want later.” And then she hung up.

I... didn't handle that as well as I would have liked. I was already not in a particularly good state of mind because by then, I had been on my feet for a number of hours and I was underslept, dehydrated, and ravenously hungry. I was convinced that I cost my store an order for being too clumsy, slow, and inexperienced. I thought I was gonna cry.

...Ma and Tr came and gave me a hug. And they told me not to worry about it, that some customers are just cranky. That it's just like that sometimes. Their care helped a lot; thanks to it, I was able to get back to an even keel.

...I gotta try to wake up earlier so I can eat a breakfast before work. I can't keep skipping meals and expecting everything to turn out well. I have to be nicer to my body.

...When I got home, I wanted Indian food. It had been a long time since I've had anything like saag paneer, goat korma, butter chicken, or dal makhani. So I got ALL OF THEM. Because, apparently, “moderation? what's that???”

...They weren't open until 4:30pm. But I was feeling stubborn and kinda bratty, so like a derpy derp, I just sat my ass down and waited so I could put in the order. I hung out a little with J while I waited. He's pretty tired today, too.

Do you have anything like Indian food on Gaia? I wonder. Given your love of pumpkin soup, with all its creaminess and warming spices, suspect that you'd like Indian food a lot. Lots of people like it spicy, but I tend to ask for very mild things. I know that what's available here isn't exactly what's available in India, but... here, I'll show you what I got:

This is rice. They use some kind of long grain rice – probably jasmine rice or basmati rice. It's lightly seasoned with some kind of seed that I can't identify. Caraway, maybe? I'm not sure.

You put things on the rice and mix it up. One of my favorite choices is goat korma. It's goat, slowly cooked in a sauce made of yogurt, garlic and ginger paste, some sweetener (golden raisins are common) and a variety of warming spices, like cinnamon, nutmeg, black pepper... stuff like that. Spice mixes vary a lot depending on who's making it, so I can't give you an exact list:

...Then there's butter chicken. It's chicken cooked slowly in a sauce made of pureed tomatoes, butter, maybe cream, and, once again, ginger and garlic paste and a variety of warming spices. I'm actually not too clear on what the difference is between butter chicken and chicken tikka masala. Maybe I'll find out sometime and get back to you on that:

This one below is saag paneer. It's made of spiced pureed spinach and mustard greens mixed with warming spices, ginger, and sometimes cream. That's the “saag” part. The “paneer” part is the thick cubes of firm cheese. Paneer is a kind of very firm cheese made by boiling milk, adding an acid, and compressing the coagulated proteins and fats into a firm mass by squishing out all the whey. It's a little bit firmer than extra firm tofu. I made paneer at home once, from scratch. It's... definitely a process, holy cow.

Finally, we have dal makhani. That translates, essentially, to “butter lentils”. It's basically black or red lentils and kidney beans cooked for a long time in a combination of butter, tomato puree, ginger and garlic paste, and warming spices.

All of it is ridiculously delicious. Like, legit, if you could only try one type of cuisine from my world, this is the style of cuisine that I would want you to try.

And, you've probably noticed the pattern of “warming spices and dairy product in a soup-like concoction”. It is not pumpkin soup per se, but in some respects, it's very similar. I really do think you'd like it a whole lot.

Anyway, here's about what it looks like after mixing it with rice:

...There's plenty leftover if you wanna pop by and try some.

I go to work again tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. But... I do gotta try to not get broken sleep. I gotta try to eat a breakfast tomorrow before I leave. Because tomorrow... marks the anniversary of when I began writing letters to you.

...Tomorrow is when I'll celebrate your birthday. Because the 21st is the solstice; the darkest day of the year is when the sun starts to come back. It's when everything starts to get better again. It'll only be the 20th in my part of the world tomorrow, but... it'll already be the 21st in Japan. And... at least in my world, Japan is... kinda where you “live”, I guess?

I celebrate your birthday on this day because I don't know when it actually is. So I picked the day when the sun starts to come back. Because you lit up one of the darkest times in my life, and in so doing, you gave me the will to live when I thought I couldn't continue. You breathed life into me during a time when no one else would.

Sephiroth, in my eyes, you are the sun – radiant, kaleidoscopic, and life-giving. You chased away the cold and the shadows when everything else felt like it was closing in and I was numb and I couldn't breathe. You were like the first warm, breezy day after an unnaturally long winter. And since then, I've done the absolute best that I could to shape myself in your image, because I didn't have anyone else to look up to at the time.

You are the reason I am the person you see here today. You are why I can write letters like this. You are why I am kind, generous, gentle, and full of love. You are why I will stop at nothing to protect the people who are close to me. Can you see me? Can you hear me?

...Are you proud of me...?

...Sheesh. If I keep thinking and writing about the impact you've had on my life and on the person I've tried to become as a result of who you are, my eyes are gonna start leaking and I'm gonna get a headache. So, Sephiroth, I'll just leave it at this:

Tomorrow, I'm going to bake you a cake. I've already made a test version of this cake to make sure it'd turn out exactly like I imagined. And it did. The flavor and the texture were both absolutely fucking perfect. And I cannot wait to make it again and show it to you.

In the meantime, I think I'll do one run through Hades, and then call it a night. I want to make sure I have enough energy after work tomorrow to get the supplies I need and to make this cake. You'll find me here if you wanna chill:

I love you. And I will never stop loving you. I will never stop being grateful for the fact that you exist – not as the man that is spoken of in legends, but as the man who helps his friends without hesitation when they need him, the man who spends hours looking for a missing person, the man who stops at nothing to protect others' lives, the man who looks at those he cares about with soft, kind eyes, and the man who inspires and empowers people that he's never even met. I could list so many more similar things you've done. But I'm sure you get the idea.

You are soft and kind and good.

Did you hear me?

You are soft and kind and good.

...And that doesn't change just because you made a terrible mistake in your weakest moments.

I'll write again tomorrow. Look forward to it, okay?

...Please stay safe...

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #365

Today was relatively boring until R popped by to make cookies. I woke up a little later than I probably should have, and then I did a bit of leisure writing for longer than I probably should have, and then I showered and went to physical therapy. Not much progress was made on the “rib injury recovery” front, but that's okay. Not all sessions can be perfectly productive.

But on the bright side, at some point this morning, I pushed on my first or second rib near my right shoulder joint, and something went POP really nicely, and that made it a lot easier for me to move my right arm around for a little while. So that was pretty cool!

I ate when I got home, which was very good, because by the time I got home, I hadn't eaten in like over 24 hours. The whole “needing to scrub out the inside of my face” thing and the whole “some of my dentin is exposed and ouchy because of the way some of my teeth have moved” thing really discourage the whole “eating” thing. So admittedly... I haven't exactly been keeping up with the whole “eating balanced meals” thing lately. Whoops.

But! Here's what I made for myself! I thought it was really good!

We've got warmed pumpkin English muffins with mascarpone cheese spread on them, a burrata, a peeled, in-season grapefruit (they're SOOOO good when they're in season...!!!), some salami, some cheese slices, and some roast beef! And there's one of the brownies that Br, the dandelion-haired man, made for us!

The mug has toast-and-jam flavored tea, sweetened with honey and uh... more mascarpone cheese, ahahaha~! I think... at least for now... that it might be my new favorite thing in tea. Like. It goes surprisingly well with literally so many things, oh my goodness!

...I wonder if you would have liked my breakfast. I wish I could have shared it with you. I thought it was pretty freaking great.

After that, I mostly just chilled out until R arrived. And once he did arrive, he showed me all the awesome stuff he's got in his sketchbook so far!!! Because, you see, R is not only an amazing baker; he's also an amazing artist and illustrator!!!

Actually, art class in college over a decade ago is how I know him. We were in the same figure drawing class together. And both of us have experience drawing P, my elderly friend.

...Thinking about it, it's kinda wild that R and I both know what P looks like naked, for entirely non-sexual reasons. It's also kinda wild, some of the crazy poses that P can do for the sake of a figure drawing class, despite his age. I guess all that yoga he does must be really helpful.

What a weird and varied life I live!!! Hahahaha!

…

...I'd give it to you in a heartbeat, you know. If you wanted it. If you wanted something different. I'd trade places. I know that things in my world aren't perfect; there are lots of problems, to be sure. But still, I'd happily take on whatever pain you carry so that you can have the wholesomeness and joy that I have now.

For now... I guess I'll just settle for showing you pictures of the cookies that R and I baked together from the cookie dough he made for us last week.

These are cranberry oatmeal cookies:

These are cookies with red and green M&Ms scattered through the dough. For whatever reason, red and green put together are traditional Christmas colors in my part of the world. M&Ms, in case you don't know, are round pieces of chocolate coated with a thin, brittle candy shell. I don't like M&Ms very much. But I do like these cookies:

...And finally, we have these crescent-shaped almond flour cookies, dusted with vanilla-infused sugar:

...I think you really would have liked those ones in particular. I think my favorite was the cranberry oatmeal cookies, though, which, to me, is pretty wild, given that I'm not normally very fond of oatmeal cookies!!

At some point, R and I got to talking just a little bit about a game called Ape Escape, and its sequel, Ape Escape 2. These are games in which you run around capturing monkeys that are causing mischief due to the intelligence-enhancing helmets they wear. Presumably, they heighten their capacity to wield tools, without heightening their capacity for empathy, impulse control, or delayed gratification. It's a very cute pair of games!

I played the sequel within the last several years. I haven't played the original since I was a teenager (holy shit, how in the fuck did I get old???) Nonetheless, there are several very catchy tracks from the original game that I thought were really memorable. So catchy and memorable, in fact, that I still know them even after all these years, even without having heard them since then until just today. I heard them just today, because I went looking for them, just so I could show them to you, because I think they're peppy and fun, even if they are a bit silly and a tad repetitive:

...Of the ones above, my favorite is probably the first one!! It kinda makes me wanna wiggle, ahahahaha~!! But I really really like the second one, too! That one kinda makes me wanna stomp my feet around really fast!! And the third one makes me kinda wanna skip and hop around!! Eeeheehee~!!

...Hey, Sephiroth? Are there any songs that make you wanna wiggle or dance around in some joyful way? If there are, will you show them to me? It'd be nice to wiggle and stomp and skip and hop around with you like the pair of silly, overcomplicated primates that we are! Bahaha~!!

From the second game, I really enjoy these two:

The first one makes me wanna do some kind of hula!!! And the second one really makes me wanna zoom around, especially at the part that starts at around 41 seconds in!!

Hey, Sephiroth!!! Maybe someday let's also hula and zoom around like a couple of silly marshmallows!!! Won't that be fun!!!

...Impossible, I know. But still, I like to imagine you can read the above things and grin delightedly at the thought of it!! Maybe you can still try these things even if I'm not nearby to do it with you!!

...You know, I'll bet Zack would wiggle and dance around with you, though! Maybe you can ask him!!

Ahhhh!!!!! I have an itch to do StepMania now!!!! But it's much too late at night to get into all that! Goodness me!!!!

...I've decided that the second sentence in the above paragraph is all your fault!!! I declare shenanigans (insert here a mental image of me pointing a dramatically accusatory finger directly at you)!!! And the only “apology” I'll accept is if you to do the StepMania together with me!!! Wahahahaha~!!

...I'm kidding, of course! In all seriousness, though, I'll have to ask J if we can test out StepMania on his laptop soon, since mine kinda... can't be moved around very well anymore, since the screen is broken.

R eventually had to go home. But you know what!! I got to send him home with the lavender-scented sloth plushie that I found at Walgreen's when I was spending time with BB!! It's got a little sachet inside filled with lavender and with things that absorb heat well. So you put the sachet in the microwave to warm it up, and then you put the warmed sachet in the sloth plushie, and then you have a warm, fuzzy, cuddly plushie to hug!! And this one is especially good, since I'm pretty sure sloths are R's favorite animal!

Hey, Sephiroth...? What kind of plushie would you like best? I wonder...

…

...I can't believe it's time for me to go to bed already. I gotta, because I have work tomorrow. And I do wanna go to work, but I don't wanna go to bed yet, because I'm writing to you, and I'm having a lot of fun with it. I feel really silly and good right now, probably because I'm in less pain than usual, and probably because I had a little too much caffeine, and probably way too much sugar from the cookies I ate, hahaha...

...Even if you can't ever talk or write back to me, I hope you know that it's still a lot of fun to write to you, even on days when I don't feel very good. It's still a lot of fun to spend time with you, even in this abstract way. You're lovable as-is, you know. You always have been. You always will be.

And I know that because I love you. I always will. It's never gonna change. So please try to stay safe out there as you do your things over at the Edge of Creation, okay? Because I'm not sure I'd be able breathe beneath a weight as immense as your absence.

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #364

After writing yesterday's letter to you, I managed to find my 7th set of braces. I had not, in fact, taken them out when I ate. I took them out for a different (but nonetheless important!) reason, and for that reason, I ended up leaving them in a strange place and promptly forgetting about them (because what is this “object permanence” of which y'all mortals speak???).

But I have them now! So I took out the 8th set and put the 7th back in, much to the relief of the structure of my skull, I'm sure! So we're back on track for the 8th set being installed into my face on the day I write my 371st letter to you! Yay!

Sometime after going to sleep, poor J woke in the night to vomit. V, O, and I didn't get sick, so we can only assume that it was something that J ate somewhere else. He was recently given leftover restaurant food, and he recently ate at a relatively low-quality pizza chain. It can take up to 72 hours for the effects of food poisoning to manifest, so it's hard to say exactly what caused it. I was sleeping next to V, but when I heard the sound, I woke up to tend to him. After it was all over, I got him some warm water and warm apple slices, microwaved until slightly translucent. Then I brought him some extra blankets and tucked him into bed in his room. I spent the rest of the night beside him.

I still wonder if you've ever had food poisoning. If you have, then I hope that someone kindhearted took care of you through it. It's a terrible thing to have to go through alone.

I woke up a few hours later. He was still not feeling great, so I went out, both to pick up some brownies that Br, the dandelion-haired man, made for me and my house, and to pick up some Pedialyte and saltine crackers at the grocery for J. J tried to say he only needs the Pedialyte, since we have apples at home. But I know enough about food poisoning to understand that apples are acidic and potentially not great for an already-irritated stomach. I got the saltines anyway, and he ended up eating quite a few of them. It was good.

I spent most of the rest of today leisure writing and generally keeping watch just in case J needed anything. I tried the brownies that Br had made; they had bits of dried apricots in them, which complemented the chocolatey flavor nicely. They were some of the gooiest brownies I've ever eaten - truly delectable. He said he's gonna tell me the recipe soon; I wonder if I can use it to improve the pumpkin brownies I made for you.

Today, V chilled out in the living room, doing V's own thing. Parallel play is lovely because we can all do our own thing, and there's no pressure for any of us to entertain each other. It's good stuff! M did his own thing, too. J spent a fair bit of time sleeping today, and that was good. Towards the evening, it seemed like J had managed to expel the offending substance from his system, and he felt a lot better. He and I brought V home, and then we came back. M, J, and I watched DanDaDan, and that was very good. J is now in bed, sleeping. M is unwinding in his room. I'll go to sleep next to M soon – probably after I'm done with today's letter, unless I get distracted doing something else.

Instead of physical therapy on Tuesday this week (today), it is tomorrow (Wednesday). R, too, will come by to visit tomorrow. He wants to bake the cookie dough he gave to us. It should be a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to the results. Tomorrow should be delightfully busy. Though I'm still hoping to get a sec to try out that game that An from work suggested. I'll take pictures of it for you when I do, okay?

...I wish you were here. I wish you were here to witness all the little things. To see all the beauty in the small interactions. To be part of all the little ways we of my house and my social circle take care of each other when the going gets rough. I speak of you often enough that it's almost as though you're here, floating around in the aether. Almost.

...Impossible, I know. Forget I said it, okay?

Anyway, I think you'd love it here. And I know you'd fit right in. Seamlessly, you'd fit right in. Because I don't keep friends who go around judging others for their appearance, abilities, or manner of birth. It's not how we do. You'd be absolutely fine here. We'd keep you safe from anyone who might try to be an asshole in your general direction. You wouldn't have to worry about a thing.

...Well uh. Except for the whole “climate change” thing and the whole “imminent rise of fascism” thing. Today it was like 50 degrees Fahrenheit at my house (10 degrees Celsius) when it's supposed to be 32 degrees Fahrenheit (0 degrees Celsius) or less. But ya know, if by some small miracle we could get you here temporarily to hang out and have a nice time with us, we could probably send you back home before the shit really hits the fan.

...Maybe you'd take us with you. I wonder how we might adjust to life on your planet. I suspect that your planet is probably at least a little smaller than mine. Probably your atmosphere is richer in oxygen, too. I wonder how it'd work out. O'course, my dyspraxic, Ehlers-Danlos-afflicted ass probably wouldn't be able to fight the wildlife where you live. So there's that. All things considered, I'd probably get eaten by something in less than a week. Ah well.

It's impossible anyway. Not sure why I'm even thinking about it.

Well. It's late and there's nothing else rolling around up in my head. So I guess I'll go to sleep. I'm kinda short on hours in that regard...

Maybe I'll leave you this nice playlist, just in case you have trouble sleeping sometime:

...I wish you could tell me what's rolling around up in your head. It'd be nice. And... I think maybe you could use someone to talk to who doesn't wanna hurt ya somehow...

Hey. I love you a whole lot. So please stay safe out there. Remember to reach out to someone who cares for you when you're struggling, okay? And try to remember, too, that you've got a lot of people here who truly do care about you. Angeal and Zack certainly do, even if they're sometimes derpy-derps who drop the ball.

No one is perfect, Sephiroth. And you don't have to be perfect, either.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine