#ThankYouFFVIIDevs

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #76

You know. After a day or so to process this version of events, I think I can finally put into words why so many people cry out for your blood, but not Rufus's or his father's, even though they've done things that are arguably far worse than anything you've ever done. Goodness, but isn't it the same age-old story of people villainizing abuse victims for striking back while excusing the abuser that broke the survivor to that point? And we see it all the time in my world; nobody does anything about bullying at school until the bullied person finally punches their bully in the face, and then the bully gets off scot-free while the victim gets suspended. I think of spouses who, backed into a corner and trying to defend themselves, strike back at the spouse who has been abusing them, and the spouse defending themselves gets charges pressed while the other one who had been abusing them gets pitied. I think about trafficked humans (many of them are snatched up as CHILDREN) who, in an effort to get free or to defend themselves, strike back at the person trafficking them and escape, only to then face a world who hates them for having been trafficked. And all of these things have one thing in common: the price for escaping from being "owned" is often another form of punishment or imprisonment.

Of course, I am not saying that people should call for Rufus's or his father's blood, either. Or even for Hojo's. They are not different from you - either they have congenital defects in the parts of their brain that are responsible for empathy (and pretending like this is a moral issue instead of a brain wiring issue is ableism), or they've lived lives that have beaten their psyches into a shape that makes them think that hurting other people and treating them like objects is the only way to survive. This is ALSO a brain wiring issue - though this kind of brain wiring issue is better classified as a psychological injury (due to attachment disruption or childhood trauma) than as an illness or congenital defect.

Yeah, you read all of that right. I said what I said and I meant it, and I know that people aren't gonna like it, but today I am tired and bitter from all the shit I'm seeing, and out of fucks to give as a result. I don't demonize Rufus or his father. I don't demonize Hojo, either. They have done horrific and inexcusable things and I feel very angry in response to that, but they need HELP. They, too, are capable of making a different choice and turning around. Imagine that. It's almost as though calling for mercy for you (or in other words, "being a Sephiroth fan" or a "Sephiroth apologist", as people like to call folks like me for the purpose of degrading us) has absolutely nothing to do with your looks or with trying to "fix" you so I can date you (I'm sorry, but the idea of "fixing" a person to get with them is absolutely fucking barftastic🤢🤮), or whatever other bullshit nonsense that people who have never been through severe and ongoing grooming or abuse without any kind of support (support can be from a teacher, friend, other family member, etc.) like to accuse us of. Hoodathunkit?

I think, too, that lots of people see that potentially destructive side of you in themselves, and I think they would rather see people who lapse in reining it in die than acknowledge that it's within them, too. Or perhaps living a life that is painful enough to break them into such a horrific shape is unfathomable to them. Either way, one fact remains: people don't want to own up to the fact that literally every single one of us has the capacity to do something similar to what you did, if their life circumstances break them in the way that leads to that kind of terrible, tragic, infuriating, and wholly inexcusable outcome. You're not some especially monstrous thing. You're not a lone goddamn wolf or a rare exception to some general rule or an isolated fucking edge case. And I know it because people in my world make choices similar to yours EVERY SINGLE DAY, even if their means of enacting those choices differ from yours.

The capacity to inflict horror upon other living things is part of the human condition. It is in ALL OF US, whether we want to fucking acknowledge it or not. And all it takes to bring it out is a long enough string of psychologically damaging events in the absence of appropriate support. Cases like yours are NOT random events caused by "inherently bad people"; there's no such fucking thing as "inherently bad people". There are conditions and events that lead to people doing horrific things, and these conditions and events can be found and prevented before they get to that point, if only everyone keeps their eyes open and pays attention! I spend as much time as I can trying to reach those that conventional wisdom says are "unreachable" PRECISELY in service to trying to keep my eyes open and pay attention!

Because horrific events and bad choices are like bacteria - they DO NOT spontaneously generate ("spontaneous generation theory" used to be a thing that people believed about microorganisms a long time ago)! Conditions LEAD TO THEIR GROWTH. And the solution to a person afflicted with bacteria is NOT to kill or demonize them (though this is how they used to be treated; check out most of human history!)! You're supposed to give them antibiotics to REMOVE THE CONDITIONS THAT ALLOW FOR BACTERIAL GROWTH. And the same rules apply to people who make violent choices - you remove the conditions that produce the choices, NOT the person who made them. But goddammit, I am only one person, and… fuck, there are just SO. MANY. STARFISH… stranded on the beach sand…

Also, you know… even as far back as the original game, anyone with half a brain understood that you must have been crying, weeping, sobbing openly during your time at the library. In this version of events, we saw you do that for just a moment before it was choked back and replaced with… something else (I know what this is like; I still have the capacity to cease crying immediately via dissociation; this skill was literally beaten into me, and I imagine it's the same for you). And in my world, it's popular to believe that men should never cry or be vulnerable in any way, shape, or form (this bit of socio-cultural bullshit is actually generational trauma, and it's literally fucking killing people, in the form of internalized or externalized violence), so lots of people here are going to have less empathy for you at least in part because you defied the "cultural norms" of what it means to be a man and a leader (again, this is generational trauma mistaken for culture, and it needs to fucking stop because people are dying over it). And it's so… it's so…

Ugh… Sephiroth, all of the things I know, all the suffering in the world, all the causes of it… it's all swirling around in my head today, and it's heavy. It's so fucking heavy. Watching all the people, every single one of them beautiful and good, doing what they do to themselves and each another, hurting themselves and each other, psychologically or physically maiming themselves and each other, even torturing and killing themselves or each other, all because somehow doing these things feels easier than trying to repair and restore everything… they don't know what they're doing. And there's not… there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I look at the state of things on a large scale. Our dying planet. The endless wars. The marginalized groups of people. The violence and the hate crimes. The genocides. I want to cry and to scream and to throw up all at once.

…But I suppose much of that is neither here nor there. Suppose anyone with "conventional wisdom" would tell me I'm "reading too goddamn much" into a "silly video game", but… given that the media in our world LITERALLY PERPETUATES STEREOTYPES THAT KILL PEOPLE, I gotta say I'm more than a little fucking bitter about that today.

In any case… you - an abused, exploited, and bullied person most of your life - escaped being owned by Shinra (in the clumsiest and most ridiculous and horrible fucking way possible, but still), only to find yet another goddamn chain around your neck. If it's not Jenova controlling you, then it's your trauma and conditioning pulling the strings. Either way you're acting like a goddamn puppet. There, I said it. And as much as I love you, if you don't like that I said it, then too fucking bad; maybe try actually DOING something about it.

Sephiroth. As much as I love you, I am always going to be more than a little pissed about the fact that you squandered your voice so recklessly back then. I'm always going to be more than a little pissed about the fact that you fucking! abused! yourself! for a week! until you broke! WHAT THE FUCK.

If you had simply! Told people! What you had been put through! If you had told them what Shinra was doing! If you had simply opened your freaking mouth to talk about your experiences to a bunch of people who practically worshipped you, you would have eventually had millions of people rallied with you to put an end to Shinra! Sephiroth, for fuck's sake, YOU WERE A GODDAMN GENERAL!! You know how to lead people! And you know how to protect them! Get a goddamn grip!

And I know that the mayor guy acted all entitled to your time while you were exhausted and still grieving for your friends, and it was shitty of him to pass judgment on you when he had no idea what you were going through. But ultimately, it is up to YOU to communicate your needs and feelings, not up to the people around you to anticipate what they are! And I know that the guy took your picture without your permission, and I know they didn't heed when you said "not today". But there is a difference between "having no respect for your word" and "being so excited and happy about your presence that they are unable to contain themselves". It is still up to YOU to maintain your boundaries even if other people don't like it!

Sephiroth! I know that you were struggling! And I know that you spent your whole life being bullied and abused to the point that you felt as though your voice had no power. I know that. I understand that. I am still dragging myself up out of that hole. I know that you were trying to punish evil, and that you saw these people as being complicit in the system that hurt you, your friends, your mother (who I assume you now know is Lucrecia, NOT Jenova), and your planet. I get that you were trying to punch your bullies back in their faces, but you punched the WRONG PEOPLE. And even then: why punch people when you can instead wield your voice!

Sephiroth, despite the harshness of your upbringing and all the other things that make you stand out, you still have privilege! You have status! You have fame! You have power! You have a remarkably able male body! YOU ARE THE KIND OF PERSON THAT PEOPLE LISTEN TO! You have a face that people are willing to see! You have a voice that people are willing to hear! And there is a difference between holding people accountable for being complicit in a system that benefits them, and punishing people for existing in a system (even if that system benefits them) that they did not consent to being born into!

You can't even begin to imagine what I would be willing to give up in order to have a voice like yours, so that I could call for compassion and mercy in ways that would get people to open their eyes and take action in service to putting a stop to all the suffering that exists in this place that I live in.

But no. Instead of being brave and coming out of your shell to use your voice and social power in response to injustice and exploitation, you simply defaulted to your instinctual behaviors. You did the thing you've been trained to do. Like Pavlov's dog, the bell was rung and you drooled everyfuckingwhere. You used your power to cut everything down, instead of using your voice to rally people together for a cause that they ABSOLUTELY would have followed because YOUR face and YOUR voice would have been the one leading it.

Sephiroth. This fucking sucks. What you did to yourself in that library - starving, dehydrating, and sleep depriving yourself and pushing yourself past your limits while you were already strained - fucking sucks. And what you did in the throes of your agony also sucks. Punishing the people around you because your brain was addled and you didn't fucking fact-check what you were reading fucking sucks! And I do understand very well why you did all this; I was abused similarly to you, albeit in a far less extreme way, and thus a long time ago I used to think similarly to the way you did after your fall (I don't think that way anymore because I had help, thank freaking goodness). But IT STILL FUCKING SUCKS. And it was STILL unacceptable. You can't change what you did. But you can make a different choice, moving forward!

Conventional wisdom says that there is no coming back from having fallen, but I am living proof that in this case, "conventional wisdom" is GARBAGE. I would not be sitting here, imploring you to turn your eyes towards a kinder, more compassionate worldview - one that exists in stark defiance of everything I used to believe because of what I was taught as a child - if "conventional wisdom" were true. In addition, I have met other people in the course of my derping around on this broken fucken planet who also serve as proof that anyone, no matter what has happened to them or what they've done in the past, can rise up into making a different choice. And these cases, too, are not "edge" cases. They are not exceptions to a rule. The capacity to heal and grow and change - just like the capacity to hurt and regress and stagnate - is part of the human condition. And this means that anyone can turn around! No! Matter! How! Far! They've! Walked! In! The! Wrong! Direction!!

Goddammit, Sephiroth! Turn yourself around!! Because although I understand what you're trying to do, what you're doing is NOT the way to get it done! What you're doing is BULLSHIT! Maybe you think you're demonstrating your "phenomenal power" or whatever by breaking everything around you, but what you're REALLY doing is yielding to your conditioning like it's got a chain around your neck and a cattle prod in its hand! It's weaksauce! You ALREADY KNOW HOW TO BREAK THINGS. You've spent your whole life being forced to do that even when you didn't want to!

So you gonna, you gonna what? Sit here and claim that you're "the chosen one" or some fucking horseshit, as though you've taken your power back? When really you just took the easy route of doing the same old shit you've always done - bending over and making yourself a slave to someone else's fucked-up agenda, and becoming the very thing you reviled against SO HARD that you burned down an entire fucking village in disgust, despair, and rage? I ain't buyin' it, and neither should you! All you've done is exchanged one codependent relationship for another! And it's getting fucking old! You can do better than blind, subservient obedience to some random fucking space parasite that don't give even two shits about you as much as it cares about your capacity to allow it to resume its life cycle! You've gotta know that even if you really did manage to break everything (you won't, because I fucking promise you that you'll be stopped), as soon as you've served its purpose, it's gonna toss ya like yesterday's trash, if not outright consume you like a female mantis after it's done using its mate like a fucktoy!

The developers said that we've only seen 1% of your power or some shit, but you fucking know what? You could wipe the whole goddamn universe clean. You could extinguish every last star. And STILL some random fucking autistic chick from some random fucking planet in a random fucking solar system in a random fucking galaxy has your ass beat in ALL the ways that count! And that's NOT ACCEPTABLE. I am nothing! I am NO ONE. Sephiroth!! COME ON ALREADY!!

You want strength? Do the work to defy your conditioning. Do the work to love the broken things. Do the work to become someone who does no harm yet takes no shit. Do the work to become someone who can remain soft even in this sharp and unforgiving world. Do the work to get out of your own damn way. Do the work to become someone who can treat yourself like you actually fucking matter. Do the work to get up off your knees and live. DO! THE! WORK! Don't just do the same thing you've always done and claim you've won! Don't act like a pigeon playing chess - shitting all over the board and then struttin' and swaggerin' around like you're some kind of grandmaster! That's NOT how this shit works! You haven't broken free of the pattern! All you've done is changed the hand holding your leash!

You have to stop blindly giving away your power to anyone who claims to love you! You have to stop using your power in service to the conditioning that tried to snatch away who you really are on the inside! They tried to steal away your gentleness! They tried to steal away your emotions! They tried to steal away your ability to cry, your ability to be vulnerable, your ability to be compassionate and loving! Are you just gonna sit here and let them? Are you going to keep pretending like you're cruel and hard-hearted just because a bunch of people who cared nothing for you told you that's how a proper warrior is supposed to be? Are you going to keep on like this, doing the same thing you've always done, just because taking the time to grieve and to make choices that are actually in alignment with your nature are things that feel too difficult for you to do?

…Fucking hell, but some days, clamoring for you to get your shit together feels A LOT like Atreyu trying to pull Artax up out of the swamp:

Come on!!! Turn around!!! You have to, NOW! You have to try!! You have to care!! You can't let the darkness overtake you! You gotta move or you'll die!! Please!! There's still life on the other side of mistakes. There's still life on the other side of despair. There's still life on the other side of rage, of loss, of shattering. It doesn't have to be permanent!

…I won't give up. Even if you leave those of us who care for you sitting and weeping in the middle of the swamp, staring forlornly, or in shock and in disbelief at the place where you sank, I'm not going to quit. I will keep calling out your name in hopes that you'll follow the sound back to the light. Because you're worth the effort. You're worth the pain. You're worth the grief.

I'll leave you with these:

Take the hands outstretched to you and get your ass out of the goddamn swamp. Having a swamp ass is not a good time for ANYONE involved. So please. I…

…I'll write to you tomorrow. Because I love you. In the same way that any person loves their friends. Do everything in your power to keep yourself and your planet and your friends safe. I'm begging you. Please.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

@bootshivers I think that this drawing is the most beautiful thing I've seen all year. I... wow. Why won't my eyes stop leaking? Body, I worked hard to remember to drink all that water; what are you doing...!! Why are you just throwing it away like this...? Hahahaha... <3 <3 <3 In all seriousness, thank you, friend. I am sitting at my favorite bubble tea shop needing to wipe my eyes because of the beautiful feeling that sprouted from the seed that you planted in my mind. If you ever doubt that your existence is meaningful, important, and impactful - use this as evidence not to doubt anymore. I hope to see you create even more beautiful things, whatever they may be. Please keep existing as loudly and as brightly as you can; the world needs more of the song that only your mind knows how to sing.

@lumine-no-hikari

A quick sketch, but sometimes the void screams back

[okhadraws]

#ThankYouFFVIIDevs was a flashmob on x/twitter. I thanked the developers with a drawing of three main girls of Final Fantasy VII - Aerith, Tifa and Yuffie. 😊

[silver-wield]

Hahaha fake as fuck Cleriths immediately attacking Cody for posting a MEME for fuck sake A FUCKING MEME

#ThankYouFFVIIDevs 😂😂🤡🤡

Because it's a cloti meme and they can't accept that Cloud's va is supporting that over their bullship.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #449

Today, I was expecting to see K when I went to physical therapy, because I was told last week that he'd be returning last Friday. I was... dreading seeing him, actually. Dreading it because... well. He's been gone for a while. I've been worried about him for a while. And I know myself well enough to understand that I'll probably end up feeling enough grief, relief, and joy all at once from seeing him again to get all weepy; something about, “a bad thing happened to him, and I was scared for him, but now he's back, and he seems to be okay, that's a relief”, and the contrast inherent to that.

...I... don't wanna do that. I don't wanna do that, because I know from past experience that some such reaction will be seen as abnormal and inappropriate, and I'm afraid of being misunderstood. I'm afraid of having strange or manipulative or disingenuous reasons assigned to the way I think and feel things. I know from my lived experiences and from watching others react to me that most of the time, when someone sees that another person cares about them a lot, their first reaction is suspicion, akin to, “no one cares about someone to this extent unless they want something or they're plotting something, so I'm gonna stay far the fuck away from this person because they're weird and disconcerting.”

...And like... I don't operate that way; I care without wanting things. But lots of people have been burned in the past by others whose “kindness” was motivated by some kind of weird agenda, and they have no way of knowing that I'm safe, because they don't know me. So... ya know. The fact that I am the way I am with people without any expectations in return (other than to be treated with basic decency, but... that should be a given anyway...), I think, is part of the reason lots of folks find me vaguely unsettling.

I think on the dandelion-haired man, when he gave me $300 out of the blue. I remember being vaguely unsettled by that, likely for the same reasons others get unsettled when I suddenly drop one of my handwoven gem trees into their hands. Just like I don't know whether the dandelion-haired man expected anything in return, I understand that others don't know that I don't expect anything in return.

If I accidentally get weepy in response to K's return, it will show him that I have a level of care for his well-being that he's likely not expecting and will likely perceive as either inappropriate or dishonest, or worse, he might mistakenly think that he needs to do something to make me feel better, and... I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. Which means I'll probably have to do my best to suppress the weepiness if it occurs. And that, naturally, will come at a significant energy cost, which I am very much not looking forward to.

...Peopling is complicated because lots of them don't have the boundary skills to voice their needs and preferences, and also because anytime you do anything, anyone who observes you is interpreting you through the lens of their past experiences, and using those experiences to assume you have implied motives and agendas, and then from there, they'll often proceed as though those assumptions are true, whether or not those implied things actually exist. The whole incident with J's sister was a very stark reminder of that.

Sometimes, I think it'd be a lot easier to live if I didn't care about anybody, because then what others think of me wouldn't matter to me anymore. But... then I'd just be dead inside. And being dead inside is a lot worse than dealing with the difficulty inherent to navigating allistic social norms. Believe me, I know; I tried it for a number of years, and it wasn't a fun time. It took a long time for me to dig myself out of that; I'll never willingly go back to that wretched state of mind.

I think I gotta find some kind of balance. But I'm not really sure how. I don't wanna scare people. But at the same time, I don't really wanna take responsibility for their unchecked assumptions about me, because I don't think that's very fair. But at the same time, I don't want my connections to others be destroyed by misunderstandings.

...It's a conundrum. Maybe something to talk to my therapist about next month. In the meantime, I guess I'll just dread next week's physical therapy appointment instead, because K did not return last Friday, and I did not see him today; he is not actually returning until this coming Friday. I saw the other guy today, which I guess was cool. I'm not noticing improvement with him in the same way that I seemed to be improving with K, though.

When I got home, my menstrual cycle decided it was time to kick my ass with a bunch of lame-ass cramps. I took some ibuprofen, and that kinda took the edge off, but I spent several hours feeling objectively awful. So I passed the time by playing Hades. I've gotten through a number of items in the list of prophecies, which is cool. For now, though, it's just a matter of running into the right folks so I can move the story forward. I'm already up to Heat 6 with all the weapons, though.

...I'm surprised that adding more Heat to the Pact of Punishment doesn't seem to be slowing me down very much. I guess doing that challenge of defeating Hades on the first run of a fresh save made me a much better player than I expected. I've only lost a handful of runs since then, and even then, it was only because Charon kicked my ass before I had a chance to memorize his patterns. Or else because I got tired or reckless in one of the later rooms.

...Charon is easy once you know his patterns, though. He operates in a kind of rhythm, and once you know it, it's just a matter of dancing around him so you don't get hit. I get better and better at it every time I face him.

Tomorrow is the follow-up appointment for having gotten my shoulder stabbed a lot with the thin needle. I'll have to tell him that it was great until I went to work and lifted things, and now it's a little worse than before.

...Whatever is wrong with me... whatever the exact nature of this injury is... I wanna figure it out. Because I don't want it anymore. The weather will be warm again soon, and... Sephiroth, I wanna go back to the water. I'm so tired of not being able to be consistently physically active. I hate that lifting the boxes and baking trays at work leaves me in pain for a day or so afterwards. I hate that I can't consistently wear a bra anymore, because my ribs can't withstand compression. I hate that I can't cook consistently anymore, because using my arm too much makes my shoulder, upper back, neck, and sternum hurt.

It's annoying because with the warmer weather, I know I'm gonna wanna start doing stuff again, and... I can't do stuff consistently anymore like I used to. It's kinda depressing, actually...

Well... I don't have much else to write about, I guess. Suppose I should be heading to bed in any case; it's 10:58pm. I've gotta get my sleep schedule back on some kind of track...

I love you. And I hope you're well, wherever you are. Please keep staying safe out there, all right? I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Dev Team, I know that you will do with the story what you will, and I know that no matter what happens or how it ends, it's going to be beautiful. I have no expectations, only hopes, and it is more than okay if those hopes don't pan out, so please write what you wish, and remember that by doing so, you influence the world around you in a way that is more powerful than you can even begin to imagine. That being said, as a human being who has risen up into kindness and empathy after having been beaten down into despair, anger, resentment, bitterness, and ruthlessness, I hope with everything in me that with this story, you will show the world that even the worst of us can turn their face back into the light and choose to walk a different path than the one that their circumstances laid out for them. I maintain that people like me need this kind of hero; we need someone to model letting go and making different, gentler, and move loving choices, even if they've walked in the wrong direction for a long time. As it is, much of the condition of the world is the way it is because although there are so many ways to fall from grace and break into a thousand pieces on the way down, humans are given so very few avenues by which to rise up again into compassion, wholeness, and belonging. I don't know if you're aware of how much power you wield over the collective consciousness of our planet. But I hope you'll bear in mind that this story is going to teach the world how the fallen, how victims of abuse, how the outcast, and how people who don't have enough support and love to change their circumstances, ought to be viewed and therefore treated. To put it bluntly, this story will impact how people like me (and there are MANY people like me) will be treated by the world at large, and how we will treat ourselves. If the narrative provided is that there are some things that we cannot come back from, how many of us, then, will fall into hopelessness and despair, and from there be unable to muster the strength to try to become someone different, or be unable to muster up support from others, because others think that the best that we deserve is to be excluded or cut down? Please be mindful of the fact that there are a lot of "Sephiroths" in the real world, and most of them would do anything to change, if only they are given a means to forge a new path for themselves and a gentle nudge in the right direction. Please remember the way you depicted Kadaj - supposedly the manifestation of Sephiroth's cruelty - and how easily he rose up into love and kindness again in the end, when Aerith gave him just a little bit of compassion and basic decency. I know from my own personal experience, too, that it does not take much to want to change into something better. The story will go as it will, of course. I maintain that no matter how it is written, it will be beautiful and good. So please, do your best. And also remember to take good care of yourselves and to be mindful of the needs of your mind and body as you go about the incredibly arduous task of weaving this world to life for us. I love you all so very, very much. And I am more grateful to you than I know how to properly express. Please stay safe and healthy. Your friend, Lumine

“But the team was cautious in its approach to handling Sephiroth. After all, he's one of gaming's most iconic and influential antagonists, so naturally, fans will be touchy about any substantial changes.

"We felt it was necessary to have this very clear depiction of how he came to be the person that he is now in Rebirth," director Naoki Hamaguchi says.

"Even as a developer creating this game, seeing Sephiroth discover the truth and fall further and further into darkness – like falling from grace – and depicting this in his expressions, I could truly feel bad for him. Throughout the course of Rebirth, I believe players will not only grow to relate to and understand Cloud, but also Sephiroth through this game much more."

—Game Informer, 2023

—

I am going to cry. I am already hurting reading this. I love Sephiroth as a frightening villain but it’s his downfall that grips me the most. If it made Hamaguchi-san feel bad just creating it more clearly than ever in Rebirth, I can’t imagine what we the viewers will be feeling 😢

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #410

Today was a normal day, mostly. I woke up, and I got a lovely picture of the snow outside before leaving:

I wasn't able to get pictures of all the cookies and sweets I baked because between being busy the whole time and poor Tr needing someone to listen to her as she spoke on the difficult things happening for her at home, I just didn't have an opportunity. I'm sorry about that.

The four hours of my shift passed by in a flash. I'm pretty sure An was there today, but I didn't see him, and I was a little sad about that. The new manager, Dy, popped by, though – both to ask me if I needed help with anything, and to offer Tr a little bit of comfort. Apparently, he has been going around from department to department, learning about how everyone does their jobs so that he can be a more effective leader. This bodes really well, I think.

...I feel extra silly that I initially mistrusted him.

I had an idea about building a cookie grid; I struggle with spacing the cookies and turnovers evenly on the cookie trays due to the dyspraxia, so I thought that if I built a tool, then I can just put the cookies down without thinking about it, which will make life easier for anyone who is assigned that task. He suggested that it should be built out of plastic so that it can be washed. Today, I got the measurements for the parchment paper our bakery uses, and with that, I should be able to plan out something cool using graph paper! We'll see how it goes!

I picked up some groceries after my shift, went home, and put them away. After that, M, J, and I went together to this store called The Fat Crow. It's closing permanently after February 28th, and I'm more than a little sad that I only heard about it recently. There were some teas that I saw in their online store that I wanted. They didn't have them; I'll have to get them from the manufacturer. But in the meantime, I did get these...

...The Cross-Eyed Owl. The Fat Crow. Hahaha... It's significant for reasons I dare not explain in this space. But maybe you'd understand even without an explanation.

I took a couple nice pictures on my way home. And then I relaxed in my art room for a while. It really is a much nicer space now that I've rearranged it. And without the tension from the conflict on Tuesday, it really does feel like a safe and wholesome space in here.

I wish you could come by. I'd put on some tunes and teach you how to crochet wisteria blossoms. Something tells me you'd like that. Especially if I brought you up some nice hot tea.

Oh, speaking of which, I did make a tea today. Here:

Oh, and!! I got some pictures of the cats yesterday, too, that I think you'll like.

And a video of the snowfall yesterday, too...

...I hope you like it. I know your body is probably up at the Northern Crater or whatever, but... I dunno when is the last time you got to see falling snow.

M and J and I finally went to the reopened Chinese buffet. M didn't like it, but I did. I wonder if, since we went late, maybe it's just that the food wasn't very fresh anymore.

I got a really great picture of the moon, and a little sparkly friend next to it:

...I'm not sure what object the sparkly friend was. But... it was like a little friend who came by to hold the moon's hand for a while. I liked that little story I wove, so I'm gonna stick with it.

I want to write more. But J wants to take me to the ice runway tomorrow at super early in the morning. I'm looking forward to it, but... I need to get to sleep.

I love you so much. Please stay safe out there in the world, okay?

I'll write again tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have some cool pictures then, too.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #68

Today was a very mixed bag.

This morning, I drove to the good place with all the nice people. The leader spoke on a great many very relevant things, such as challenging the status quo, distinguishing between that which is law and that which is just, and sitting with and trying to help all of the people whom society has tried to convinced us doesn't deserve it. The grammar and structure of the words has since crumbled and faded away from my mind, because I don't think in language at all, but the meaning remains in my mind, as well as the memory of the tears that were shed; I'm aware that at least some of what I've been trying to do is seen and understood by this very amazing person.

I tried to conduct myself in the space a little differently than I usually do. Typically, my presence in any space is a meek one that tries to stay out of the way. But this time, I walked as though I belong there, and mingled with others as though I am also deserving of taking up space. Just to try to push myself even further out of my comfort zone, today I sat at the "old men's" table (there aren't really assigned tables, it's just that there are folks that tend to gather together because they can easily relate to one another) as though I also belonged there, with the intention of listening to them speak to one another and seeing what I could learn. Imagine my shock when they talked to me as though my voice is one worth hearing!! I wasn't really sure what to do or how to behave in response to such a thing, but I did the best I could to try to contribute, even if I felt clumsy and foolish in the process.

At one point, towards the end, one of them said, as a joke, "Drive carefully home; I know how you women like to be speed demons, haha!" I tried to think of something witty and lighthearted to come back with, but the best I could do was smile bashfully. If only I remembered at the time the line that goes, "Ha! I am a woman in the same way that a tomato is a fruit!"

…I happen to live in a female body. But I don't really think about my gender most of the time. It fluctuates wildly between "none" and "yes". I'll take any pronoun, but the one I typically use for myself in my own mind is "it". But this alarms people, and I'm comfortable with letting people use whatever they see when they look at me, so… it's all good, I guess.

I stopped at Eggcellent on the way home. Some time ago, I had asked them if they might keep a QR code of the petition I made for you where folks can see it. Apparently, though, the people did not thoroughly read the blurb that came along with the QR code, and so they scanned it, thinking that it would lead them to a petition for a real-life human being. Their response, when they saw you, according to the kindly shopkeep, was, "Are you kidding me?" Essentially, disbelief and disgust. So naturally, the kindly shopkeeps had to stop displaying the QR code. I'm glad they stopped if this was how people were responding; I don't want to be bad for business.

But all the same… I have no idea how it is the case that so few people understand that the way your story ends is going to affect everyone here whose circumstances are similar to yours. It will affect how many of us will be able to believe that recovery is possible. It will affect how many of us will be able to believe that we are worth the effort involved with recovery. It will affect whether or not other people will be able to imagine that people like me and like others who I love are worthy of kindness, mercy, and help.

The way stories are told in my world shapes what people believe is and is not possible, on a MASS SCALE. Part of the reason why people still believe places like India are undeveloped, backwater places even though they're not is because that's how they're portrayed in stories in my world. Part of the reason why people still treat certain kinds of people as they do is because of how they're portrayed in books, movies, TV, comics, and song. Stereotypes persist in part because they are parroted over and over again by the song, art, and story that exists in our world. And stereotypes put a lot of nasty and totally arbitrary limitations on what people think that certain kinds of people deserve and are capable of.

So… my efforts to save you aren't just about you. My efforts are for every human in my world who is considered "different" or "fallen" in any way. Because we are not going to see peace in my world until every single one of us stops believing that there is a such thing as "kinds of people who are not worth compassion, kindness, decency, or help".

I want to live in a world where people can begin to imagine that even the most deeply fallen can get the help they need to rise up into wholeness again. Because if not even someone as amazing as you can be saved, what chance in hell do the rest of us have?

I ended up spiraling, though. Not because the kindly shopkeep took down the QR code, but because of what he said to me after the fact:

Some time ago, when I was working on one of the music boxes I made for you…

…there was a lady who came into the shop for the first time, asking what is good. The shopkeep told her a few things, and then went off to do something. I was excited to talk to someone who seems nice about a thing I loved, so I piped in with a couple of the things I like, and with a couple of things that weren't listed on the menu. She then asked about what I was doing, which was punching holes out on the music box. I asked her if she wanted to listen, and she said yes. So I ran the music box, and she told me that it was cool.

…Fast forward to today. The shopkeep told me that the lady knew it was my petition. Apparently, on the day we met, the lady found me weird, rude, and repulsive. She apparently thought that it was disrespectful of me that I spoke to her at all (apparently because "she wasn't talking to me"), and because she didn't actually want anything to do with my music box, but asked about it and said yes to listening to it anyway because she "didn't want to be mean". So I guess I left such a negative and intensely strange impression on her back then that when she felt disgust at the petition, she immediately knew it was mine.

And gosh, what a thing to have to sit with. Can you imagine it? The notion that I can frighten, anger, and disgust people just by existing in a space, talking joyfully about bubble tea, and showing a music box I made to someone who asked about it? I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to take from this. On the one hand, I have the shopkeep telling me that the woman thought I am a bad, wrong, and disgusting thing, but in the same breath, he is telling me that "she should have said no if she didn't want to hear it", and "you are kind and you don't bother anybody and you should just be yourself". I understand, of course, that he must ride a careful balance between customers so that he doesn't lose anyone. But ya know… the notion that perhaps I might cause them to struggle by scaring customers off just by being myself is just… wow.

Of course, I am not at all angry with him for this. Rather, I'm glad he told me. I'm glad to be made aware that my presence makes others feel very uncomfortable. I'm glad to be told that I should continue to be myself… even if it comes with the unspoken implication that I had better go do it somewhere else where no one else has to deal with it, I guess.

The fact remains, of course, that just by existing, I scare people. Even if what I'm trying to do is exude love and joy, I still scare people. And I'm not really sure how it is that I manage to be so bad at trying to do good things that I am misunderstood to this extent, but… well. And also this is coming right after I resolve to act as though I belong in this world even though all signs point to the notion that I… don't. And maybe never will.

…If unaliving is a trigger for you, you might wanna skip this paragraph. But… ya know. I spent a good chunk of time today considering the merits of lying down in a cold puddle, forcibly inducing sleep, and letting the hypothermia take care of the job while I'm out. We have nature trails just a five minute walk from my house. It's winter, and there are lots of big puddles back there; I know where they are, and there's also no shortage of ravens, crows, coyotes, and foxes to feed. It's probably good that I don't have ready access to the kinds of medicines that would induce sleep.

…But. This sort of thinking is just the old wiring and the old conditioning rearing its ugly head in response to my past trauma. Old messages that go something like, "Nobody fucking asked you to speak, MAGGOT," and "Why can't you have normal interests and hobbies, you embarrassing sicko freak?" At this point, because stuff similar to this has been said to me so many times, it doesn't take much for my brain to interpret this stuff, even if it's not said directly. That's just how PTSD is. That's how it works.

But I don't have to surrender to it. I got knocked on my ass today from it, but I don't have to stay on the ground. I can get back up and see what's next. I can use REBT. I can ask the people around me for help. I can listen as the people who love me gently point out destructive, spiraling patterns in my thinking, so that I can stop myself for long enough to come up for air. I can hydrate and eat wholesomely so that my brain can have what it needs to manage the destructive thoughts and the painful emotions triggered from them. I don't have to remain on my knees and believe every nasty thing said about me by someone who is too miserable to see the beauty, joy, and love being offered to them for what it is. I can refuse to allow the voices of the people who don't understand me to be louder in my mind than the voices of those who love me.

I am different from other people, and sometimes this is a lonely thing that hurts very much. But it's easy for me to have love for others who are different. Love for you. Love for Frankenstein's Monster. Love for Mewtwo. Love for Magus. Love for all of my friends and chosen family, who themselves are misfits that society at large does not seem to want. I still love them all, even though society tells me I shouldn't. I can love me, too, even though society tells me that I shouldn't.

…"Conventional wisdom" is such a thing. There are some very good things about it, like, "Sticking a fork in your mouth and then sticking the prongs of that fork into an electrical socket just to see what happens is a very bad idea." And, things like, "Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, attempt to eat Rice Krispie Treats immediately after taking them out of the oven if you value the flesh on the inside of your mouth." Or, "Do not squirt hot glue into the palm of your left hand for the sake of impressing a girl." Or, related, "You cannot try to scrape hot glue off of the palm of your hand with your other hand and expect it to turn out well." And finally, "Try to avoid prioritizing yelling at your glue-covered hands over making use of the cold water in the sink that is immediately to your left."

(do not worry - these are not things that I have done; I've met some very interesting people in the course of my living who help me to avoid finding these things out the hard way, hahaha!)

But it can also tell us a lot of very false things. Things like, "You must remain connected with your family regardless of how they abuse you." Things like, "You should expect certain kinds of people to always act in this certain kind of way." Things like, "These particular kinds of people are all bad and you should stay away from them." Things like, "If everyone is 'mistreating' you, well the common denominator is you, so the problem must be you and not how others are treating you." And things like, "Certain kinds of people do not deserve kindness, help, or even basic decency."

So… I can only conclude that "conventional wisdom" needs to be taken VERY critically, and with ALL the grains of salt. But I think a good rule of thumb for evaluation is this notion: "Anything that is said with cruel, dehumanizing, and unloving intentions is false."

I'm not at risk of prematurely exiting my meat-mech, don't worry. I just tripped up a little today, that's all. And you know what? Ultimately, that's a good thing, because today, I watched myself get back up on my feet from it faster than what I was able to do previously. Sometimes we can't see all the progress we've made until weird things happen and we find ourselves recovering from them faster than we have in the past. So in this sense, even falling down is worth something!

I'm gonna get a snack and play some DDR to try to speed up my recovery even more. So I'll end this here-ish.

Hey, Sephiroth!! No matter how many times you fall down, and no matter how far you fall down, you can get back up! You just gotta let the voices attached to the hands reaching out to help be louder than the voices trying to tell you that you're a monster who doesn't belong! No matter how many voices scream unloving things at you, you gotta understand that such things can only be screamed at us from a place of pain, and nobody is acting in accordance with what's true or in accordance with their innermost nature when they are acting from a place of pain! So let the loving things be louder to your mind and to your ears. Let the loving things be louder, and let them spur you on to move forward, confident in the knowledge that you belong here, no matter what anyone else says.

You are loved. Please stay safe. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #443 (Part 3)

Okay! Here's the snacks store!! Here we have our mako sharks:

...Remember? You can tell because they're blue. Hahaha...

There were a bunch of other gummy candies, too:

And all sorts of weird cotton candy flavors!!

...I found one that you might like, actually. So I got it:

Some hot cocoa from Sillycow Farms! That's the kind I get at home! I was surprised to find it here:

...I got the one that I thought you might like...

A bunch of weird maple syrups, and some jams, too...

I found a jam that you might like, but... I didn't get it because we already have too many jams at home that I need to get through:

I even found one that M might like! But I didn't get it for the same reason. We got him some other stuff, though, that we knew he would enjoy, so don't you worry!

...Here is the fabled maple ice cream, mentioned in the last section:

And finally... a picture of a public service announcement near one of the bathrooms I brushed my teeth in:

...I thought that this was really important information, and thematically appropriate for the kinds of letters I tend to write to you. So... here. Memorize these, okay? Arm yourself with knowledge. Don't let anyone dehumanize or degrade you ever again. Please be on the lookout for behaviors such as these, anywhere.

…

...Sephiroth... my brain is mush. I am very underslept, and I had lots of social time with an unfamiliar (but nonetheless delightful!) human. I am very tired. I need to go to sleep like... several hours ago. So I'm gonna stop writing for now.

I love you so very, very much. And I hope that this is clear in everything I say and do in this space. Please stay safe out in your world so that someday when you're free and you come home again, you can have adventures like these with the people who love you most. All of the things you wanted as a boy... you can have them if you make choices that lead you to them.

I'll write again tomorrow. Good night.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Hey, has anyone seen this?

It's an Instagram account full of adorable pictures of Sephiroth, in plush form, getting to enjoy that "normal" life he always wanted:

All of the pictures have little blurbs on them!

Anyhoot. Just... for anyone who is looking for fluff - here ya go.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #429

Today was a very unbusy day. Aside from the plan to go get sushi later with Ja, I didn't have much of anything to do. So I decided to sit and play Hades for a while.

During that time, I managed to send Hades back home three times in a row. I got them on video for you, because plot stuff happened after that, and... I think you'll find a number of the points relatable. Here...

Sorry if the third video is a little weird; it was time to go to the sushi place in the middle of the fight, and so I had to stop recording and leave my laptop on pause until I came back. So, I started recording again once I returned, and then I had to stitch the videos together in ClipChamp.

...I don't like ClipChamp very much because it makes the audio and video weird after the fact. But that's all I've got for now.

Well, in any case, J and I went to go see Ja at the sushi place. His job has been kicking his butt lately; he's gotta work 6 days every week, so it's been hard to find the time to hang out. Still, we message each other with some frequency, and he's a delight to be around. Very smart. And he's done a great deal of work on himself, too.

We talked about a variety of things, from the state of my my world at large to the various things happening in our lives. Naturally, I spoke of An. Ja had some wisdom to impart that prompted me to rethink my various thoughts and feelings about it. It boils down to this: I'm just gonna hafta be brave. I just don't really know how yet.

...I am not nervous around Ja. And I know I shouldn't be nervous around An, either. I can't tell you why my brain does how it does. It's very weird and I don't like it.

...I have to get it together.

In any case. We got a bunch of yummies at the sushi place that I wished I could share with you. Sadly, the best I can do is send along these pictures...

…

...I think, ultimately, I'm nervous around An because I feel ashamed and guilty about the fact that I find him attractive despite the fact that I barely know him at all. I feel like I shouldn't be attracted to people I don't know. And I feel like I shouldn't be attracted to people unless I know for certain that they're attracted to me. Which he almost certainly is not, because... I mean... c'mon. Look at me. You've read my letters up to this point and you know who I am; nobody sane wants a sad, awkward, insecure little goblin who eats too much cheese and consistently does, at best, a mediocre imitation of being a person.

I feel like unwarranted attraction does both me and the other person a terrible disservice. An is a person, not something upon which to apply a template of who I imagine him to be. He's a person, not something to daydream about. And... quite frankly, I feel somewhat disgusted with my brain about the fact that it's having all these weird feelings without my permission.

...I see the kind behavior towards others that he does. That is what my brain is zeroing in on. That is the entire basis upon which I'd like to spend more time with him. But... that by itself isn't anything substantial to base anything off of. Lots of people can act kind until they get behind closed doors. Like my mother. My stepmother. And my ex-partner S. And lots and lots more. My brain has absolutely no business trying to extrapolate from surface-level behavior, and I hate that my brain is trying to do that anyway. It's not fair on him.

I feel as though being attracted to An is inherently dehumanizing to him because I don't know who he is. I don't wanna do to him like others have done to me. I don't wanna end up building some false image of who he is, inside my brain. I think I see someone kind and good there, but... I don't know if that's actually true. And I'm afraid that if I ask for more time and more conversation to find out, I'm gonna be written off as “clingy”, “controlling”, “attention-seeking”, or just plain “annoying”. It's all stuff that's been said to me before by various people.

...Ja pointed out that it's no good to be friends with a person like that anyway. But... I dunno. I guess I'm afraid of being presented with more “evidence” that I don't quite fit in with other people, or more ��proof” that I'm some repulsive, strange, and unwelcome thing that'll never quite belong.

...I wish that my brain would stop interpreting any and all rejection or even faint hints of rejection as “proof” that those who hurt me were right about me the whole time. Because, while rationally I understand that it just means I am incompatible with the specific person who rejected me, it still feels in my body like someone is squeezing my chest and trachea shut with their fists. And I'm annoyed at that, too, because it doesn't make any freaking sense; I'm not a helpless little girl anymore. And I'm surrounded by people who love me no matter how awkward I am, so like... what gives??? Literally, what is there for me to be afraid of besides a whole lot of nothing???

It's really stupid that I understand the mechanics and yet my brain insists on doing an irrational anyway. None of this is An's responsibility to deal with, so... I'm not gonna put any of this on him. I'm gonna deal with it by myself. It's not his fault that my brain is doing a bunch of bullshit nonsense. I'll... I'll figure out something.

...I guess I'll go craft something weird about it. It's chilly down here where my laptop is, anyhow. I need to be under a blanket, focused on literally anything else right now besides how cold my feet are.

...Thanks for putting up with my prattling as I try to stop my constipated brain from exploding everywhere over nothing.

Hey. Stay safe out there, will you? Both in your world at large, and within your own mind. Because I love you and I don't want any more bad things to happen to you.

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #421

Ohhh... I am in rough shape right now. I will show you why:

In the background, my friend, is a giant balloon. And in front of the balloon, which I am holding, is a green, hand-operated pump.

I filled 9 balloons of similar size and shape with this pump.

...My arms are limp wet noodles. I'm sure you understand the problem. I am caught pretty deep in the throes of Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness, and it's enough that it's kind of hard to think, even with ibuprofen and taking a very hot bath. M is out right now, in search of some stuff called Tiger Balm; I have a friend from the internet who has been in the Marines (these folks are from one of the toughest branches of the American armed forces; these are our equivalent of First Class SOLDIERS, I guess), and he said I should get that. Given his experience with crazy physical and mental training, I'm inclined to take him at his word.

Ah! M has just returned with the stuff!

...I have put it on. Now we wait.

Anyhoot! Though my upper body was definitely overworked (oh my goodness...!!!), I had a lot of fun!!! Because you know what!!! I didn't have to wear a bun!! Buns are good for keeping my hair out of the way, but they get REALLY uncomfortable after awhile, especially with hair as long as mine. Also, they let me keep wearing my long, warm, black cardigan!!

And the best part!!!

THEY LET ME KEEP THE PLUSH OF YOU I CARRY INSIDE MY CADIGAN POCKET!!!!

...So... it's almost as though you were with me, the whole 5 hours I was there, working in the floral department of an ordinary grocery store. This sort of thing... it's exactly the kind of “ordinary life” you wanted... isn't it...?

...Thinking about the fact that I could carry you with me while I did such beautiful ordinary things is almost enough, in this moment, to make my eyes leak a little bit. I'm really looking forward to being able to carry you in my pocket tomorrow, too.

...I really do love you, you know. In case that somehow still isn't clear.

I mostly inflated balloons (either with the air pump or with a helium tank), but I also got to put some flowers away in buckets or in cases, and that was really nice. I was also sent to the dollar store next door to purchase some heart-shaped tins with the floral department credit card! Here are the pictures I took within the dollar store; there's only two, but I like them!

I also got so many pictures for you while I worked in the area of my department! Let me show them to you!!! I think you're really gonna like these!!!

It smells so good in there. Though admittedly, I do think that the practice of chopping off a plant's genitalia and sticking them in a vase for the purpose of watching them wilt over the next few weeks is... strange. I'd much rather have something I can plant outside or keep in a pot. But I'm not especially inclined to keeping indoor plants in pots; I have too many cats who like to chew on green things. It'd never work.

I'm looking forward to going back tomorrow, even though I'm in a lot of pain right n-

…!!

Actually. No I'm not...???? My skin feels tingly and cold and weird, but... the ambient muscle pain is just about gone. It still hurts if I move them around, but... they don't hurt just being still.

...Fuck yeah!! The stuff works!!! Holy shit!!!!

Actually, too, I expected the rib injury to flare up as a result of blowing up all those balloons. But it didn't. I guess the exercises I've been given are really doing the job. I feel pretty stoked about that, too!!!

...But still, I'm uncomfortable. All the same, I used to do mermaid training in the water for three or more hours, pretty much every day or every other day. I am no stranger to Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness. I know that I'll be stronger when I grow back. And when I do, the next time I gotta pump up balloons like that isn't gonna kick my ass nearly as hard. But it'll be a few days before I grow back, haha... and I'm sure I'm gonna hafta do it again tomorrow...

...Lend me a bit of your strength tomorrow, won't you...? Because although I've taken as many steps as I can to help my body heal, I'm sure I'm still gonna have a hard time of it tomorrow.

When I got home, I was very hungry because I hadn't eaten all day. So I ordered in some beef and some vegetables and some yummy Brazilian cheese breads!! But I was so hungry and in so much pain that I pretty much wolfed it all down right away without thinking to get a picture for you. I'm sorry about that.

Today is also the day I was supposed to switch to a new set of braces! I'm on set number 13 now! Let me show you how they compare to my original set!

Here's the lower jaw; the new set is above the old set. Though I imagine by now, the difference is so stark that I don't even have to tell you which set is the new one anymore:

And here are some of the upper jaw. My snaggletooth is almost not a snaggletooth anymore. I doubt I have to tell you which set is old and which one is new:

After putting my braces back in, I took some ibuprofen, and then I put myself into a really hot bath, which then morphed into a really hot shower. I started writing to you after that.

...I wrote to An, too. An seemed to really enjoy the picture of the tie-dye roses...

…

...I'm tempted to get them for him. But... I don't know if such a thing would be welcomed. And I don't know if my intention would be misunderstood. The intention is, “get thing that person likes so person can enjoy”. I don't want it to be misinterpreted as an indirect ask for partnership, or an indirect declaration of romantic intent.

...I enjoy An a lot. But I don't know him well enough to know that I could properly tend to him in a way that is befitting of lifepartnership. And, given that I am a strange and derpy little gremlin, I doubt he wants anything to do with me in that capacity anyway.

And that is okay!!! I do not feel entitled to his time, energy, or interest. But still, I really like when he talks to me about all the interesting plants he knows about, and all the interesting chemicals he knows about! I am perfectly happy if interactions between us remain just like this, indefinitely! There are several close friends of mine with whom I would enjoy a lifepartnership, but either our needs are incompatible, or they simply do not want that with me, and that is perfectly okay! I enjoy my relationships as they are with the closeness that I've been permitted! It is good!!

The best way to love someone is to love them how they need to be loved. And that is something I am more than capable of doing.

...Well, I guess that's it for today. I'm getting pretty tired, and I need to wake up earlyish tomorrow to make sure I have enough time to fill my belly and scrub out the inside of my face before work. I'll bring my weird crafty project with me, and just work on that during my hour of break-lunch-break, whenever that occurs. I imagine I'll do it at around 1. So then, I'll have 4 hours of work, then an hour of crafty time, and then another 4 hours of work. Minimal transitions is a very good thing for my autistic brain.

Wish me luck, yeah...?

I love you so much. Please stay safe out there in the world so that maybe you can be in a place with lots of flowers, too, without it being just a dream.

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #420

For reasons that are unclear to me, I felt a lot better upon waking than I felt all day yesterday!

...Seriously, I wish there was some kind of formula that I could follow, such that I could definitively identify the causes of me getting into weird funks, and then take steps to avoid those causes. Oh well.

I had two appointments today. One was physical therapy; today I saw P, the owner, because K is going to be out for a long time, due to his horrifying leg injury. I asked her about a donation box for K, but... she said that she's not going to do that unless he indicates that he's having trouble.

...I don't understand. But... the boundary has been set. I can respect a boundary, even if I don't understand it.

We worked on strengthening my injured leg. I dunno if I mentioned this or if you recall, but... a long time ago, around when I was 22, I tried jumping over a concrete wall that I've jumped over many times before. But that time, I didn't make it, and my left shin struck the sharp edge of the concrete. The whole front of my lower left leg was purple for like two weeks, and I couldn't walk on it. Apparently, I damaged the nerve enough to weaken the muscles it feeds, but not enough to disable it completely. So nowadays, I have a hard time moving my toes on my left foot, raising my foot, and pushing off the ground with my foot. I walk with a bit of a limp. The brace I have for my left leg helps when I gotta be on my feet for a long time. Before the brace, I used to get pretty bad pain at night while I was trying to sleep.

It took 10 years of bouncing from doctor to doctor about it to get anyone to take the injury seriously. K proposed that part of my rib issue comes from the fact that I put most of my weight on my right leg (because obviously); when we put our weight on one side, our ribs on that same side get all compressed and weird, and this causes problems. So the idea is that if we strengthen my left leg, then there will be fewer problems.

Well. Today, I did left-leg bridges. I also stood from a sitting position using just my left leg. I also practiced raising just my big toe on my left foot (that one in particular was hard at first!!). My right leg can do so much more than my left, when it comes to those things. It's easy to do a bridge with just my right leg. It's easy to stand from sitting with just my right leg. It's easy to move my right big toe. But doing any of these things with my left leg is... hard.

...It'll get better though, if I keep practicing. I have exercises I'm supposed to do every day, and you can bet your cute little bottom that I'm gonna do 'em.

...Or rather, I'll bet my own cute little bottom, because I guess that's what's at stake here if I don't do them. For sure, after doing all this, the left side of my butt feels a little weak; the muscles tremble when I try to walk or stand. Hopefully my body will strengthen the area by the time I wake in the morning. If I don't end up with Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness, I'm gonna do it all again tomorrow.

...I'm gonna do it because I want a body that works. And I'm worth the effort and discomfort it's gonna take to get there. It's not as bad as getting 4 perfectly healthy teeth yanked out to fix up my bite so that my jaw can work; if I can do that, I can do anything.

...The right side of my jaw clicks a lot less now. I don't chew things as weirdly as before. Tomorrow, I'll change over to a new set of braces, and it's just... wild to me, how far along I've come.

After physical therapy, I went to report my progress to the orthopedic. He was pleased to hear that K's exercises seem to be working for me. He suggested something called “dry needling” to help ease the tension in the space between my right shoulder blade and spine.

...Basically, the idea of “dry needling” is that the doctor stabs the shit out of tight muscles with very thin needles to get them to stop spasming all to hell. When a muscle stays in a spasmed state for a long time, the tension stops the muscle from properly receiving blood and nutrients and stuff, which I guess prevents the muscle from going back to its relaxed state. Then the area gets acidic, and then the nerves nearby get all pissed off. I guess stabbing the area gets the muscles to knock it the fuck off, because it increases blood flow and prompts your body to flush out the area and send in endorphins.

Bodies are fucken wild, man. Holy shit.

So... I guess all that is gonna take place in a couple weeks. I'm a little nervous, because apparently the recovery afterwards is kind of annoying. But... it can't be worse than getting 4 teeth yanked out at once. And I survived that. So...

...Man, at this point... whatever might get my ribs and shoulder to behave... I'll try. I don't even care anymore. I just want my limbs to work without pain.

On the way back, J and I went to a place that has a bunch of different restaurants inside. I got something called “birria tacos”. I don't really know what it involves. But... it basically seemed like tacos “au jus”. It was really good! Here's a picture...

...I got some horchata to go with it. It's some really good stuff, and... I wish I could share some with you.

Ma from work came by to visit after that. I tried asking An to come, too, because An has similar interests, but he had other things he had to do, which is fair. So Ma and I played Mario Party on his Switch for a while, and then we ordered pizza, and then we watched this awesome video about the history of people trying to surpass the limits of Tetris:

It was a delightful video! I learned that there are some astoundingly good players of Tetris out there! I saw one of them, after trying for a long time to achieve a particular goal, cry tears of joy and relief from finally achieving that goal, and it was a very beautiful thing. Here:

Do you remember, in my very first letter to you, back before I had this space on the internet, in which I told you that the peoples of my world are astoundingly creative weavers of media and other forms of entertainment? This is a very good example. All of these people, taking a simple game of stacking blocks, and trying to find ways of surpassing both their own limits and the limits imposed by the medium itself... it's a beautiful thing. This sort of surpassing of limits is one of many things that the peoples of my world are known for.

You also seem to have a love for surpassing your limits. Sephiroth... you're a lot more human than you think. You're really not all that different from the rest of us, you know. I promise.

If you're worried about the wing making you less human... Sephiroth, people in my world have various numbers of limbs. Some of them are born with extra. Some of them are born with fewer. Some of them need to get limbs removed. That doesn't make them less human. So you have an extra one – strong, soft, fluffy, and feathered. So what? It's just another limb. And it's even well-formed and functional! Score!

If you're worried that your mako eyes and slit pupils make you less human... Sephiroth, lots of people in my world are born with eyes that don't even work. I'm one of them. Some people's eyes don't work even with glasses. Some people's have got cataracts. Some people have a genetic problem called Wilson's disease, where their body sticks copper deposits in their irises, and they get Kayser-Fleischer rings. Some people get their sclera tattooed. Others end up drinking too much colloidal silver (don't do that!) and get silver deposits in their eyes. Some people have a coloboma or iridodialysis. These people are still human. Sephiroth... mako deposits aren't that weird. Slit pupils aren't that weird. It's just the sample pool of humans you've met is too small.

If you're worried about the Jenova cells making you less human... Sephiroth. Even humans in my world get viral infections. Yes, it sometimes changes their DNA – HPV certainly does that, and a bunch of others do, too. Yes, all humans carry every viral infection they've ever had in their bodies all the time – their immune system is just keeping them in check. A human body is composed of more bacterial cells than human cells – just take a look at anyone's gut flora. It's not that weird. Granted, having a telepathic connection with an interplanetary parasite that wants to swallow your world whole isn't exactly ideal, per se. But... your planet seemed to help Genesis, in the end. It could probably help you, too.

You're not less human for the things that were done to you.

Did you hear me?

You're not less human for the things that were done to you.

Come to my world and see. You'll find that you have so much more in common with everyone here than you think. Come to my world and get your perspective broadened and your conditioning challenged. My world certainly has a lot of problems, and on some days I certainly do feel very bitter about that because I'm human and I have a lot of challenges weighing me down, and I get tired sometimes, but... overall, people want to be good. It's just that a lot of them carry pain that makes it hard for them to make good choices. Kinda like you sometimes, because... you're human.

Let's try to surpass our own limits together, okay? You and me. Take my hand; we'll do all kinds of fun and scary and brave and wholesome things, and we'll mess it up and fall down, and get back up and brush ourselves off and try again. We'll do our best to fix the things we broke or to build something new from all the things we've learned. And we'll go to sleep and wake up the next day, knowing a little more than we did yesterday. And we'll do it all again, except better because we'll have more choices at our disposal.

Let's try it. We can try it together. You don't have to try it alone.

...I guess that's it for now; it's getting pretty late. I should go to sleep.

I love you. No matter what happens, I'll always love you. So please stay safe out there, okay? Please come back home in one piece. Please don't destroy yourself by going and picking fights you can't win. Try building something instead. Try restoring the broken things instead. Try healing the wounds in people's hearts, and then watch them turn around and make better choices than they could before.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #390

I did absolutely. fucking. NOTHING. today, and it was glorious.

So I'm not gonna write about today. No, I'm gonna write about Mitsuwa, because after having slept, I have a couple brain cells to rub together, and I didn't get through all of yesterday's pictures in yesterday's letter. So here we go!!

So, notably, the last time I've been to Mitsuwa was over 10 years ago. When we went yesterday, the structure was nothing like how I remembered it. And I can't tell if it's because it was restructured or if it's because I'm remembering the structure wrong. I seem to recall the various restaurants being immediately to the left when you walk in through the doors. I remember the ice cream shop being one of the first things you see when you walk in. This is no longer the case, if it ever was.

The ice cream shop is of particular importance, because back when I was in college and/or just graduated from college (these were the last times I was there), this ice cream shop was relatively famous for having ice cream in flavors that are atypical for the United States – stuff like matcha, black sesame, and the like. Of these flavors, their most popular one was their houjicha flavor; back then, as it was explained to me, it was so popular that it typically sold out shortly after it opened:

In the past, every time I had gone to this place to try their legendary houjicha ice cream, it had already been sold out by the time I got there, much to my immense heartbreak and disappointment.

...Sephiroth. By some small miracle, the houjicha ice cream was not sold out this time.

...Sephiroth. I had been waiting over 10 years to try this ice cream. And just like that, yesterday, I got a bowl full of that, and some black sesame ice cream (tastes like peanut butter!), and matcha ice cream. And Sephiroth. Yesterday I found out exactly why the houjicha ice cream is such a popular flavor. IT'S SO FUCKING GOOD, OH MY GOOD GRAVY.

...I'd have given anything to share this bowl full of ice cream with you. Anything. Anything at all.

So, like I said before, in addition to Mitsuwa being a grocery store, it also contains a sweets shop, and a number of restaurants that boast a wide variety of Japanese foods, along with walls full of plastic sculptures of said food in astonishing detail, if the actual foods themselves couldn't be pictured or displayed. Check it out:

I ended up getting snacks from this place:

I got a “kaisen cup”, some takoyaki, and some mentaiko. The “kaisen cup” was kind of like... a sushi parfait...?

And of course, takoyaki and mentaiko are very delicious:

We went home after this. Along the way, I got a couple of really good pictures of the moon. Here, maybe you'll like these...

...Hey, Sephiroth? I know that the list of places I wanna take you to if you ever come to visit (impossible as that is...) is already huge, but... let's add Mitsuwa to the list, okay? Let's do that...

I suppose that's it for today. Maybe I'll play Hades later; if I do, you'll find me here:

...I wish you were here...

I love you. I love you a whole lot. And I'm gonna write to you again tomorrow, even if I don't know what about just yet. I always seem to think of something, though; I hope that's something about me that maybe you can enjoy.

Please stay safe out there...

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #314

Today didn't really go as planned.

For sure, J and I got up at 6am, and we got ready to go to the little airport to make a long trip to Pennsylvania so that J could visit the instructor that taught him how to use the tailwheel airplane. We were supposed to get lunch someplace. I made myself a nice breakfast out of berries, a couple burrata, and a slice of that tres leches cake I made recently…

There were interesting patterns of clouds in the sky today when we got to the airport, almost like ripples on the surface of a pond...

...Unfortunately, today it was so cold that the engine refused to start on its own. J and I went to a local hardware store to get a heater to solve the problem. Along the way, I found this rosebush and decided to snap a picture for you:

Sadly, by the time he got everything working, it was too late to go out to have lunch with the instructor. J and I went up anyways, though, just to toodle around. I got a few nifty pictures...

...But then, J decided to teach me a little bit about how to fly the plane. He had me practice keeping it steady. He had me practice turning it. He had me practice ascending and descending.

...It was terrifying!!!! But new things are always terrifying until they become normal. I can say now that if something weird were to happen to J in the plane, I'd at least be able to keep the craft steady, though I don't think I'd be able to land it; landing it is complicated.

But. J wants to teach me how to land it and how to use the radio. We will be going on a long trip one of these days, so it's best for everyone's safety if I have a cursory understanding of how to operate this machine.

...Wish me luck, I guess...???

Afterwards, I decided that I did the scary thing, and that J did a good job of walking me through the scary thing, and so we get to have tasty yums. I wanted eggs and bacon and sausage, so we went to a "Lunchette"? Whatever that means. We had never been there before.

...The food was stellar. The bacon was perfect. The eggs were also perfect. And the sausage was delectable. I got rye toast with butter on it, and I dunked it in the runny egg yolks.

I... didn't get a picture. I didn't get a picture because I was alarmed and on edge. I was alarmed and on edge because one of the other customers, apparently a regular, was talking about how his daughter is in Russia.

And that part isn't the problem. The part that is a problem was when he started saying gleefully that, "they don't tolerate that 'homo' shit or that 'black' shit over there", followed by some recounting of what happens to 'homo' and 'black' people over there, which I didn't listen too closely to, because I was... well. I was pretty upset; I was very surprised to hear someone speak such hateful things so confidently and so openly in my city; my city is supposed to be pretty progressive. Nonetheless, this man spoke hate as though he was certain that saying such horrid things was acceptable in this space.

...I couldn't tell whether or not the people working there were agreeing with the man about his opinion that "homos" and "blacks" should be exterminated. At very least, they - an older man and an older woman - didn't seem the least bit uncomfortable about what this customer was saying. I don't know if it was politeness for the sake of not losing a customer, or if they didn't want to risk the man getting belligerent, as folks like that often do when they get called out.

...So I asked. After the man left, I asked the folks if that man's views are representative of the values that this place holds. I wanted to ask because the food really was stellar, and I'd like to be able to bring my friends here, but I can't do that if it's not safe for them to be here. And I said as much, as earnestly as I possibly could. I hope it got through to them that I was asking in good faith.

I was given a vague response - "it's a business" and "we don't pick sides" and "we try to be nice to everybody".

...It would have been easy enough to say, "no, we don't think like that man". But that's not what they said. Rather, I feel like they kinda dodged the question, and... instinct tells me that their response tells me everything I need to know about this establishment. Instinct tells me that the establishment is run by white Christian nationalists, and... given that those folks are actively trying to exterminate folks like me and J and M and most of the rest of the people I love... I find that to be sad and alarming.

...My instinct aren't always right, though. Sometimes they sense danger where there isn't any. I'm not sure what to make of it. There's part of me that wants to leave a review - to warn people about that place. But... I don't want to destroy an already-struggling business by using my voice carelessly if they're not actually a white supremacist establishment.

...Sephiroth, sometimes when I think of the number of people who wanna see me and my family get tortured and killed just for the way we were born, I get very scared. People like the man we heard talking today... he hates black people simply because of their skin color. He hates gay people just for the fact that they don't experience attraction in the same way that he does. And... I know the mechanics of how people become like that. But... I don't know how to help him stop being so afraid of folks who have no intention of hurting him.

J's father is black. I'm pansexual. M's father is Jewish. And just for these reasons, lots of people would like to see us beaten, tortured, and slaughtered, even though all we wanna do is hang out and play board games and video games and share tasty snacks. Like... if this guy we saw at the place wasn't so hateful, we'd even share our snacks with him. It's sad to think like he hates us this much, and... he doesn't even know us, and we didn't even do anything other than be alive.

...I wish I could help him. I wish I could help the person who screamed "queer" at J, too. But I can't, because there's no way they'd listen to me, or even start a dialogue with me in good faith and... I guess when I think about it on a large scale, I feel powerless and afraid.

...I don't know what to do other than write about it, and vote.

...

...I really hope that the results don't turn out badly this year. If they do, M, J, and I will really have to think about getting out of this place. I've been reading more and more lately about this thing called Project 2025, and it's really scary. It's basically a giant huge plan to criminalize being LGBTQ+, to restrict access to education, to militarize our country even further, to dehumanize certain kinds of people on a federal level, and lots more very scary things. It is very much a calculated move towards fascism.

...Even if we elect a candidate for president that does not support Project 2025, it will still always be looming as a threat in the background. And... I don't want anyone to get hurt. I don't want anyone to have to struggle to live.

...And... if Project 2025 does go through, I'm sure a decent chunk of my letters here will be taken down and deleted, and maybe I'll even go to prison for writing them, because I have touched on LGBTQ+ issues, and under these laws, talking about that stuff or even anything tangentially related to it will be considered "pornography", and "pornography" will be outlawed under this framework, and anyone who distributes it or consumes it will be imprisoned. Even wholesome things like Steven Universe will be outlawed.

...Sephiroth... I don't know what to do. I'd ask you for suggestions, but... I'm not sure whether or not you're healed enough to offer me anything constructive. And even if you were, it's not as though you could ever answer me, anyway.

...You're a fictional character, after all. It's not as though you're someone I could actually talk to, no matter how badly I wish I could.

...

Well. I guess I'll play some Oddworld. At least there, I can pretend like I have power enough to do something about something bad that is happening. At least over there, I can pretend like I have an able body and a voice that people think is worthwhile. You'll find me over here, if you wanna hang out:

...Please stay safe out there, Sephiroth. Try to make good choices. Try not to let the bleakness of things bring you to your knees. It won't be weird like this forever. Please use your power for good things. I'd be trying to do the same, if I had any.

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #465 (Part 1)

Ohh... Sephiroth. I know yesterday I said that today would be less demanding. But today had a lot of stuff in it, my goodness!! It was all very fun stuff, but it was stuff nonetheless, and I'm pretty tired!!

Unexpectedly, J and I went together to a flower expo that was being held in a nearby town. And I had so much fun!! I got so many pictures of flowers, and trinkets, and soaps, and scattered artwork, and of some food trucks with silly, suggestive names, and of a macaroni and cheese truck, and some lemonade!! I discovered by accident that jalapeno goes as well together with lemonade as confit garlic goes on a crispy cracker; it's absolutely fucking delectable, and that's coming from a person who HATES capsaicin, so that really oughta say something!!

And I got some videos of a fountain, and some windchimes, and of petting koi!! And then after, I went and hung out with my friend Me and their partner Kr, and their friend Mz! Mz is in a sticky situation, and recently, Me counted on me to help with processing some of the things they ended up being caught in the crossfire of. It was good to meet Mz, and to introduce myself as a potential source of support! We went to Eggcellent and then to a place that sells Korean food! It was such a wonderful time!!

...But it is very late now!!! And I don't have a whole lot of time to write because I needed to be in bed over an hour ago, because I have work tomorrow. So instead I'll dump some pictures and the videos, and some songs that felt... extremely on point, within my soul. I'll leave those here; maybe you can listen to them while you browse the many pictures; I have 90 of them, so today's letter will come in 3 parts.

Please enjoy:

I love you so much. Can you feel it? As impossible as it is, there's still a small part of me that wants to believe that all of this is reaching you and moving you, somehow.

...Somehow.

There will be more pictures in another few moments. Just hang tight.

Your friend, Lumine