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lumine-no-hikari · 10 days ago

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #420

For reasons that are unclear to me, I felt a lot better upon waking than I felt all day yesterday!

...Seriously, I wish there was some kind of formula that I could follow, such that I could definitively identify the causes of me getting into weird funks, and then take steps to avoid those causes. Oh well.

I had two appointments today. One was physical therapy; today I saw P, the owner, because K is going to be out for a long time, due to his horrifying leg injury. I asked her about a donation box for K, but... she said that she's not going to do that unless he indicates that he's having trouble.

...I don't understand. But... the boundary has been set. I can respect a boundary, even if I don't understand it.

We worked on strengthening my injured leg. I dunno if I mentioned this or if you recall, but... a long time ago, around when I was 22, I tried jumping over a concrete wall that I've jumped over many times before. But that time, I didn't make it, and my left shin struck the sharp edge of the concrete. The whole front of my lower left leg was purple for like two weeks, and I couldn't walk on it. Apparently, I damaged the nerve enough to weaken the muscles it feeds, but not enough to disable it completely. So nowadays, I have a hard time moving my toes on my left foot, raising my foot, and pushing off the ground with my foot. I walk with a bit of a limp. The brace I have for my left leg helps when I gotta be on my feet for a long time. Before the brace, I used to get pretty bad pain at night while I was trying to sleep.

It took 10 years of bouncing from doctor to doctor about it to get anyone to take the injury seriously. K proposed that part of my rib issue comes from the fact that I put most of my weight on my right leg (because obviously); when we put our weight on one side, our ribs on that same side get all compressed and weird, and this causes problems. So the idea is that if we strengthen my left leg, then there will be fewer problems.

Well. Today, I did left-leg bridges. I also stood from a sitting position using just my left leg. I also practiced raising just my big toe on my left foot (that one in particular was hard at first!!). My right leg can do so much more than my left, when it comes to those things. It's easy to do a bridge with just my right leg. It's easy to stand from sitting with just my right leg. It's easy to move my right big toe. But doing any of these things with my left leg is... hard.

...It'll get better though, if I keep practicing. I have exercises I'm supposed to do every day, and you can bet your cute little bottom that I'm gonna do 'em.

...Or rather, I'll bet my own cute little bottom, because I guess that's what's at stake here if I don't do them. For sure, after doing all this, the left side of my butt feels a little weak; the muscles tremble when I try to walk or stand. Hopefully my body will strengthen the area by the time I wake in the morning. If I don't end up with Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness, I'm gonna do it all again tomorrow.

...I'm gonna do it because I want a body that works. And I'm worth the effort and discomfort it's gonna take to get there. It's not as bad as getting 4 perfectly healthy teeth yanked out to fix up my bite so that my jaw can work; if I can do that, I can do anything.

...The right side of my jaw clicks a lot less now. I don't chew things as weirdly as before. Tomorrow, I'll change over to a new set of braces, and it's just... wild to me, how far along I've come.

After physical therapy, I went to report my progress to the orthopedic. He was pleased to hear that K's exercises seem to be working for me. He suggested something called “dry needling” to help ease the tension in the space between my right shoulder blade and spine.

...Basically, the idea of “dry needling” is that the doctor stabs the shit out of tight muscles with very thin needles to get them to stop spasming all to hell. When a muscle stays in a spasmed state for a long time, the tension stops the muscle from properly receiving blood and nutrients and stuff, which I guess prevents the muscle from going back to its relaxed state. Then the area gets acidic, and then the nerves nearby get all pissed off. I guess stabbing the area gets the muscles to knock it the fuck off, because it increases blood flow and prompts your body to flush out the area and send in endorphins.

Bodies are fucken wild, man. Holy shit.

So... I guess all that is gonna take place in a couple weeks. I'm a little nervous, because apparently the recovery afterwards is kind of annoying. But... it can't be worse than getting 4 teeth yanked out at once. And I survived that. So...

...Man, at this point... whatever might get my ribs and shoulder to behave... I'll try. I don't even care anymore. I just want my limbs to work without pain.

On the way back, J and I went to a place that has a bunch of different restaurants inside. I got something called “birria tacos”. I don't really know what it involves. But... it basically seemed like tacos “au jus”. It was really good! Here's a picture...

...I got some horchata to go with it. It's some really good stuff, and... I wish I could share some with you.

Ma from work came by to visit after that. I tried asking An to come, too, because An has similar interests, but he had other things he had to do, which is fair. So Ma and I played Mario Party on his Switch for a while, and then we ordered pizza, and then we watched this awesome video about the history of people trying to surpass the limits of Tetris:

It was a delightful video! I learned that there are some astoundingly good players of Tetris out there! I saw one of them, after trying for a long time to achieve a particular goal, cry tears of joy and relief from finally achieving that goal, and it was a very beautiful thing. Here:

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Do you remember, in my very first letter to you, back before I had this space on the internet, in which I told you that the peoples of my world are astoundingly creative weavers of media and other forms of entertainment? This is a very good example. All of these people, taking a simple game of stacking blocks, and trying to find ways of surpassing both their own limits and the limits imposed by the medium itself... it's a beautiful thing. This sort of surpassing of limits is one of many things that the peoples of my world are known for.

You also seem to have a love for surpassing your limits. Sephiroth... you're a lot more human than you think. You're really not all that different from the rest of us, you know. I promise.

If you're worried about the wing making you less human... Sephiroth, people in my world have various numbers of limbs. Some of them are born with extra. Some of them are born with fewer. Some of them need to get limbs removed. That doesn't make them less human. So you have an extra one – strong, soft, fluffy, and feathered. So what? It's just another limb. And it's even well-formed and functional! Score!

If you're worried that your mako eyes and slit pupils make you less human... Sephiroth, lots of people in my world are born with eyes that don't even work. I'm one of them. Some people's eyes don't work even with glasses. Some people's have got cataracts. Some people have a genetic problem called Wilson's disease, where their body sticks copper deposits in their irises, and they get Kayser-Fleischer rings. Some people get their sclera tattooed. Others end up drinking too much colloidal silver (don't do that!) and get silver deposits in their eyes. Some people have a coloboma or iridodialysis. These people are still human. Sephiroth... mako deposits aren't that weird. Slit pupils aren't that weird. It's just the sample pool of humans you've met is too small.

If you're worried about the Jenova cells making you less human... Sephiroth. Even humans in my world get viral infections. Yes, it sometimes changes their DNA – HPV certainly does that, and a bunch of others do, too. Yes, all humans carry every viral infection they've ever had in their bodies all the time – their immune system is just keeping them in check. A human body is composed of more bacterial cells than human cells – just take a look at anyone's gut flora. It's not that weird. Granted, having a telepathic connection with an interplanetary parasite that wants to swallow your world whole isn't exactly ideal, per se. But... your planet seemed to help Genesis, in the end. It could probably help you, too.

You're not less human for the things that were done to you.

Did you hear me?

You're not less human for the things that were done to you.

Come to my world and see. You'll find that you have so much more in common with everyone here than you think. Come to my world and get your perspective broadened and your conditioning challenged. My world certainly has a lot of problems, and on some days I certainly do feel very bitter about that because I'm human and I have a lot of challenges weighing me down, and I get tired sometimes, but... overall, people want to be good. It's just that a lot of them carry pain that makes it hard for them to make good choices. Kinda like you sometimes, because... you're human.

Let's try to surpass our own limits together, okay? You and me. Take my hand; we'll do all kinds of fun and scary and brave and wholesome things, and we'll mess it up and fall down, and get back up and brush ourselves off and try again. We'll do our best to fix the things we broke or to build something new from all the things we've learned. And we'll go to sleep and wake up the next day, knowing a little more than we did yesterday. And we'll do it all again, except better because we'll have more choices at our disposal.

Let's try it. We can try it together. You don't have to try it alone.

...I guess that's it for now; it's getting pretty late. I should go to sleep.

I love you. No matter what happens, I'll always love you. So please stay safe out there, okay? Please come back home in one piece. Please don't destroy yourself by going and picking fights you can't win. Try building something instead. Try restoring the broken things instead. Try healing the wounds in people's hearts, and then watch them turn around and make better choices than they could before.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

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lumine-no-hikari · 2 months ago

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #361

Ohhh, Sephiroth, it has been a real long day, goodness me! Today's letter is coming to you very late. I'm sorry if you worried a little.

Okay. So. It is Saturday (well, actually technically Sunday now, but whatever...). Which means I went to work from 9am until 1pm. And this morning, it was cold.

...I got some really nice pictures of the cold, actually. Here:

...Been a while since last I've seen ice crystals this nice on a surface. This happens as a result of frost. The condensation that occurs on surfaces overnight freezes into pretty patterns.

...I think it's best enjoyed from a distance, though. But then, that's why I take the pictures, right? So you can look at the pretty thing without needing to go outside and be cold! Yay!

At work, the big boss of the store (he's called Jo) asked me to wipe down one of the coolers in which we keep chilled cakes and other stuff that needs to be kept cold. So that is what I did. Nobody had done it in a while, so some of the dust was crusted on there pretty solidly, and that kinda sucked. But, I was allowed to go fetch some melamine foam pads from the cleaning section to get the job done!

...I didn't think to take a picture because I'm kind of a derpy-derp. Sorry about that. But Jo and Tr both seemed pleased with the results. I liked how it looked after I was done with it, too.

Sadly, the rib injury was not pleased with any of that, though. Apparently, it very much dislikes overhead movements of my arm as well as movements straight out to the front. I did a nice job, but... around 20-30 minutes after I was done, I was in a whole lot of pain for the next several hours, which made some of the movements of my job (like bagging breads and pulling the lever for the slicing machine) a little harder to do. Even now, at 1:03am, the area is still relatively unhappy. But thankfully, it's not as bad as it was before.

I'm not sure why, but... I've decided that An from the meat department is potentially friend-shaped. I think it has to do with the way he speaks to other people and with the way he carries himself in the space, and the meticulousness with which he works. I don't know how to articulate what this combination of things means to me. I guess... something about it tells me that he's very kind. And... after having spent a lifetime honing my instincts in various unpleasant ways, I like to think that by now, I tend to have a good sense for that sort of thing, at least in person.

...I guess... I have a whole lot of experience with what “unkindness” looks like. And his manner of being, so far, doesn't look like the old things I've seen. It might still be the case that not enough time has passed for other things to come out. But if I try to be friends, then those things will eventually come out, if they exist. They always do.

Though I generally have good instincts, it doesn't necessarily translate to knowing how to engage in the social, though. I've never really known how to approach people. I've been told my whole life that I come on a bit too strong for most people's tastes, asking them personal questions such as ”do you like video games?” and “what is your favorite kind of snack?”

...I have a lot of people telling me that my manner of being is creepy and repulsive. And... I know that I'm awkward and that my facial expressions are strange and that I hold myself weirdly. I know these things scare people. And I don't wanna scare people. So normally, I just stay away, even when I am interested. I don't want anyone to have a bad time because of me, you know?

Tr seems socially savvy, so I asked her what to do. And she said to me that my questions are not, in fact, too forward. And that I should just ask him next time I see him. The notion was a little mind-blowing to me, given that I literally have experiences where people have called me “geek” and “loser” for asking if they play video games. I've been told that my questions aimed at trying to connect make me seem a bit too “desperate”.

...I'm not really sure how anyone is supposed to get to know anyone else if asking basic questions is seen as “desperate” and “too forward” and “geeky”, though. So... maybe the things that I was told before are simply untrue things said to me by very cranky and insecure people. Tr is good folks. So I'm gonna try to trust her word over the words of the mean people.

...So. Once again, here I go challenging the notion that I'm fundamentally gross and unlikable. Yay!

I did end up seeing An as I wandered about at the end of my shift, gathering things we needed for the house. And I did as she suggested.

...For sure, my part of it was very clumsily executed. But... I have a new friend on Steam now! I'm pretty stoked about that!!! Maybe someday we'll play video games or get a tasty snack somewhere!! Wouldn't that be neat!!

I feel like us quiet, shy folk gotta stick together. Or else we'll get barreled over by the rest of the world, or else have life pass us by without ever getting noticed or without affecting anything at all. And that's a little too sad, isn't it? To live your life with a glass wall around yourself that you don't want and don't know how to get rid of...?

...I certainly know what that's like. And I don't want anyone else to have to live like that. So... if I gotta scream at my own glass wall until it breaks so that someone else doesn't hafta be sad, I'm gonna give it a try. If I have to throw my fists at my own glass wall until my knuckles bleed in order to break it, then I'll try it if it means someone else doesn't have to be sad.

...I suppose getting practice with doing exactly these things is part of the reason I write to you every day. Admittedly, writing these letters does not get less terrifying every time I do it. It's just that the terror gets a little easier to move through, the more I practice doing it.

I wonder how all of this will unfold. I wonder how I will unfold, too, within it all.

...Will you watch as I unfold? As I evolve, grow, and change? Will you be proud, someday, of all the progress I'm trying to make? Can you enjoy watching me struggle to come up from under the shackles my conditioning imposed upon me? Can you let my things inspire you to do similar things? I wonder.

I went home and rested for a long time, and that was very good. I had made plans to go with my elderly friend P to some concert, because J hadn't put on the calendar that we were supposed to go see some new Lord of the Rings movie today. J reminded me that it was happening as I was finalizing plans about when was gonna be picked up by P. And then I suddenly had to tell P that I had a prior commitment that I didn't remember because it wasn't on the calendar. I felt pretty badly about that.

...I hope I'll be able to hang out with P sometime soon. I'd like to take him and his sister to the hotpot place called Volcano. Maybe they'd like it; they're usually up for trying out new things like that...

I got a snack shortly after that, and from there, I changed into a new set of braces. This one is set number 7! The shift doesn't feel quite as intense this time as it felt last time. I took pictures to compare the new set to the original set. On the left is the first set I wore, and on the right is the newest set. I'll start with the top one:

...The very confused snaggletooth on the upper right side of my face is a lot less pronounced now! It's almost surreal, how far it's moved!

Here's the bottom set:

It's readily apparent now that my frontmost bottom teeth are much less crowded together than before. They really are starting to even out and line up instead of being crunched up together all weirdly. It's pretty wild!!

...I wonder if I'll have a healthy smile by the time we see you again in the third part of your remade story...

Sephiroth... I can't wait to see you again, but... please try really hard not to get yourself killed. If you try to hurt people, you're gonna be stopped, and... since Cloud and his friends are justifiably very angry with you, I somehow seriously doubt they're gonna be nice about it if they have to stop you. And I really don't wanna see you get hurt. So... please... try something else, okay? Please don't throw your life away with a fight you definitely can't win. It's getting super old.

J and M and I went to a movie with Je, one of the folks from the Speed Friending thing. It was some Lord of the Rings spinoff, animated.

...It is a nice thing, generally, to have funny memories of going out to see a bad movie with people you like. And I hope you get to have that experience someday. Today's experience will resolve into the thing I described, because the entire plot can be summarized as follows:

“King who commands army that regularly forgets that they can shoot arrows accidentally punches the face off of the abusive father of a man who is sad because the pretty princess won't touch his dick; shenanigans ensue as the sad man seeks revenge for lack of both paternal abuse and genital stimulation. King fights sad man's army by himself (archers did not try to help) outside of fortress during winter weather; king's people get bored and go to bed instead of letting him back inside of fortress, so king freezes solid in rad power pose. Pretty princess, in wedding dress, slays sad man as he pretends to not still have a boner for her. More at 11.”

...The whole thing was very silly. There are lots more problems with it, but I'll not get into them because it's late and I'm pretty tired. I wouldn't recommend against seeing the movie; it's definitely an adventure (a very LONG adventure, holy shit). But it is very silly. A lot of the problems could have simply not existed if people weren't acting like such entitled pricks. Alas.

I'm glad to be home. The movie didn't end until like 12:30am. It is 2:18am now.

...I need to get my sleepy ass to bed. Good grief.

Hey. I love you a whole lot. So please make good choices out there. Stay safe. Don't get killed. You gotta try really hard, okay?

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

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