#how to apologize

[positiveseed]

How to Apologize to Someone You Hurt Deeply | SUB

[helloyellow17]

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Yes hello I want to SHOUT THIS FROM THE ROOFTOPS

You 👏 don’t 👏 get 👏 to decide 👏 what 👏 bothers 👏 people!

Saying sorry isn’t about your feelings, it’s about valuing the feelings of those you love and may have hurt. It’s about owning up to your mistakes and trying to make things right. It’s about caring about other people more than your own ego.

[tiktok-singularity]

How people in mature healthy relationships apologize to each other.

[shebadfuckk]

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

If I knew how to smoothen crinkles iron out the creases that only know how to fold, If I knew how to  mend what’s broken heal wounds that only know how to fester, If I knew how to  ease away the aches soften unintentional blows that only know how to hurt, then perhaps I would know how to apologize.

[sorryiwasasleep]

So like, what the actual genuine FUCK am I expected to do to show apology now that I’ve been told by BOTH my parents that me saying sorry doesn’t mean anything anymore no matter how genuine it is from my side (it’s nearly always genuine. I might not always know what Im apologizing for (i rarely ever do- it’s generally just the result of the soup of guilt that sits in my chest given to me by a lifetime of being told I’m being annoying or loud or weak or cringey or weird or rude or otherwise just being fucking ignored), but I always feel the need to BE apologizing anyway and so I often do, except that’s now caused the issue at hand of— I’ve said I’m sorry too much in my life that now it’s just… words.

Yea, we’ve all apologized without meaning it before. But it’s never been in the circumstances where I’m quite literally screaming and crying so hard I start to gag, and those are the exact context wherein I was told my apologies were worthless.

So like… where do we go from here then? I can’t apologize but I’m also supposed to just fucking show up at Mother’s Day tomorrow so… how the fuck am I supposed to interact with you? Act normal? You certainly won’t be and THAT would be me lying then sooooo????

[howtoapologize]

Someone did better than I could do on this one... DAN SCHNEIDER

[gaasuba]

Some thoughts on apologies and how the current meme of rules for how they should happen: my adhd makes it hard to advocate for my emotional needs later if someone else is usually hurt first. i really do need my reasons for the mistake to be addressed right away also or else i'll let people walk all over me and they may not even realize they're doing it. I don't know how much my autism may play into this. And as someone who's only been diagnosed with bipolar at 30, i need "i don't know what came over me" to not be demonized as a hard and fast "never say this." Same for my PTSD triggered responses and Autistic meltdowns. Just because i freak out and forget that what i need to do is ask for an apology first doesn't mean their need for an apology comes first and foremost (even tho they do deserve one) I've literally been triggered and then have someone demand an apology and insist that i didn't deserve one and made no promises to avoid that trigger in the future

[the80hbee]

that last reblog I just made is formatted a little oddly and you can’t see what I added at all unless you expand it, so here’s this:

I strongly, strongly recommend everyone take the time to work their way through this article from mia mingus on accountability and giving apologies (https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2019/12/18/how-to-give-a-good-apology-part-1-the-four-parts-of-accountability/), as well as the other amazing content in her blog, leaving evidence.

this used to be two articles, hence the “part 1″ in the url, but it looks like mia has appended the part 2 to part 1 and it’s one piece now.

the article covers:

1. what accountability is, dividing it up into 4 parts: self-reflection, apologizing, repair, and behavior change.

    1.a. some key points I personally found helpful/interesting were around how mia describes accountability “generative, not punitive” and the importance of accountability as a practice you proactively do: instead of “holding people accountable,” she says “support people to proactively take accountability for themselves”.

2. what makes up a good apology -- mia divides it into 5 parts: use the actual words “I’m sorry,” name the hurt/harm, name the impact, take responsibility by naming your actions, and commit to not doing the hurt/harm again.

    2.a. with that overview, it can look a little unclear what the difference is with those 3 middle steps (hurt/harm, impact, your actions).

       2.a.i naming the hurt/harm is specifically, directly stating what was harmful in you did, showing you understand what happened (“... was racist...”, “I made an assumption...”, “I gossiped about you...”).

       2.a.ii naming the impact: the apology is about your impact on the other person/people, not your intent (which is important, but brings the focus to you and may even elicit reassurances from who you’re apologizing to); mia puts practicing empathy and compassion here (“I would be very hurt and angry too”, “I can see why you wouldn’t trust me again”).

       2.a.iii responsibility via naming your actions: specifically naming what you did (your actions), taking responsibility, showing true remorse and vulnerability for impact, not intent. (“I would be very hurt and angry too. I promised you I would be there and then I didn’t show up and I didn’t call”, “I made a mistake,” “it was my fault,” “I did/I do/I didn’t/I don’t___”).

3. how to apologize, more broadly: in a timely fashion, genuinely, with your full attention, sacredly, proactively, to build a culture of accountability, releasing control and letting go of outcome, and with lots of practice.

[unhingedbehavior]

the process for true redemption in my eyes is the fact that you have the ability to reflect, recognize, and respond.

Reflect how your actions might’ve hurt me.

Recognize why you acted so reckless.

And respond accordingly by making it up to me and making sure you cheer me up.

Is that just too much to ask for?? Cause I try to do that to anyone I ever unintentionally hurt.

[bitternesstoyou]

I guess you are one of those who cannot apologize...

Do you not know that saying anything else after the words "sorry" isn't an actual apology?

For example:

I'm sorry, but...

I'm sorry, I'm not your enemy....

Just shut up. Don't fucking victimize yourself. Just don't.

[stephobrien]

One addition I'd like to make is that it's important to make the distinction between excuses/justifications, and explanations.

There's a difference between "I was having a bad day, so you can't blame me for yelling at you," and "I was having a bad day, and was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, but that wasn't your fault, and I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

The former is a pretense that hurting someone was okay. The second recognizes that it wasn't okay, while also helping the victim understand why it happened.

Personally, I prefer to know why someone hurt me. It helps me understand them better, and it helps me determine whether they're likely to hurt me again, and whether we can find a solution to prevent it from happening again.

And if I'm the one who hurt someone, it's highly likely that it wasn't deliberate, so I'd rather tell them so than let them think I harmed them on purpose.

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@thoughtstherapy

[depressed-trashbag]

Minecraft movie trailer was just a bad dream.

[edensbackyard]

Tape recorder click sound my beloved

[egophiliac]

back at it again with the extremely self-indulgent diafams! I am being emotionally supported by overly-cutesy interactions between anime characters right now, don't judge me.

(also continuing with my headcanons that 1) mustache Bauru, and 2) he'll be hugely tsundere about it but you can, ultimately, convince him to do just about anything via careful application of Sebek.)

[wizard-loving-wizard]

i'm so obsessed with brennan's interpretation of charisma for an extremely autistic-coded character being that evan gives up the anxiety about fitting in, he stops masking, and instead he leans into his blunt, matter-of-fact nature, and that serves him SO MUCH BETTER in social situations than constantly apologizing for being different

edit: going back to the previous AP, aabria pitched basically this exact idea to brennan so she should get credit too