stephobrien

[stephobrien]

She would NOT fucking shave that

[stephobrien]

I have had a really full and busy day today, but the highlight was:

So I'm sitting in the staff work area and one of my colleagues comes up to me. There's an open day this weekend, and so we need to plan an activity for the would-be students.

"Simple!" I say. "Let's get them to dissect some owl pellets. Hands on, fun, they get to play with skulls."

"Good idea!" she says. "But we'll need something even fancier for the open day in February. What can we do? Perhaps we can take some soil samples."

And as we're debating the photogenic merits of soil Vs dead mice...

Suddenly, a Dashing and Handsome Stranger (read: an autistic engineering lecturer) appears with a flourish (read: launches himself into a seat beside us while visibly and physically vibrating with excitement about his special interest being Useful) and asks "HELLO I'M SORRY DID YOU SAY SOIL BECAUSE I HAVE A RAMAN MICROSCOPE"

"Amazing!" declares my colleague. "...Who are you?"

"COME AND SEE IT!!!" he says, currently the human embodiment of the :D emoticon.

We went and saw it. It's an excellent microscope and his ten minute infodump about it was both spectacular and also extremely useful. We're going to use it to assess microplastics.

I have a new friend.

[stephobrien]

[stephobrien]

A lot of you treat your identities like a thing you earned by your suffering, and that's why you have that nasty hostile reaction the moment someone who suffered less (or you think suffered less) tries to participate.

[stephobrien]

i am some sort of fey creature and my cat is the human who i have arbitrarily decided is my favorite human.

[stephobrien]

[stephobrien]

i feel like we can’t really talk any shit about birds who get tagged by scientists becoming extra desirable to other birds bc like imagine if someone was abducted by aliens and given a mysterious unbreakable bracelet. and then when you ask them about it they get this complicated and distant look in their eyes and admit they don’t know what it is but the aliens put it on them and they can’t take it off no matter how hard they try. and you go oh that must have been terrifying and their expression softens a bit and they say it was, but it made them realize just how precious our brief time on earth really is, and they don’t know when they’ll be taken again but it’ll probably be for good this time so until that day they want to live every moment to the fullest, watch every sunrise, cherish every beautiful thing. then they reach over and gently pluck a fallen leaf out of your hair, and for a second you’re distracted by the dazzling shimmer of the cuff around their arm but then you realize they’ve been looking at you with this soft sort of smile on their face so you lean closer and idk the point is i think it would work on us too probably

[stephobrien]

well have you considered that maybe the unstoppable force is in love with the immovable object

[stephobrien]

i always thought it was silly that people would get so pedantic & heated over the idea of fantasy novels using words derived from real locations like "champagne" or "lesbian" or whatever. "a fantasy setting cant have words that are dependent on real-world context" i have bad news for you about all words

[stephobrien]

So I've got this friend whose nervous because shes dating a guy and she hasn't told him shes trans yet. They've only been on a two dates. For this story let's call the friend Jane and the guy she was dating Jason. Happy ending don't worry.

I tell Jane to bring her boy over to a bbq I'm having so she can tell him she's trans at my place surrounded by queer and trans people who love her and will support her if he ends up being awful.

She waits till the end of the bbq to tell him the news, by which point the rest of us have learned that Jason is a kind, friendly, empathetic, hard working, dummy.

So we sit down, all of us a little worried about this gym bro's reaction. She tells him she's trans, and that she understands if he doesn't want to keep dating her, it's no big deal.

He's baffled. He's heard the word trans but thinks it means she spends half the year overseas. So Jane explains what trans is, and after the disclosure that she hasn't had bottom surgery yet he says:

"Oh you have a dick?"

"... yeah."

This guy look's around at the room full of people all holding their breath, at his girlfriend who is clearly frightened and says

"Oooohhhh! I get it! You think- don't worry Babe! Watch this!"

And ya'll this man jumps up, runs into the kitchen and returns with one of the bratwurst we'd grilled and proceeds to tilt his head back, put it down his throat, hold it in his mouth for a moment, and spit it up without even a whisper of a gag and then looks around at everyone absolutely beaming with pride.

My mans saw his worried girlfriend and her support network all gathered around and thought to himself "Oh they don't think I can't please my girl, but I'll show them!"

[stephobrien]

[stephobrien]

look. look at this beautiful sword meme. i’m going to cry

[stephobrien]

*doom music starts to play* I actually kindof like scheduling these kinds of appointments now...

but seriously Fellas, don't forget to schedule a pap smear every couple of years just in case. If you still have a cervix you can still get cervical cancer. ilu

this has been a psa

[stephobrien]

Not me explaining that here on Tumblr tits is a gender neutral term for big chests unless the person has said they don't like it