#how i wish i had never been born | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

beepmon · 6 months

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life is bad and i’m filled with rage

#bumbles (bee mumbles)#i’m thinking about my dad and my grandparents and extended family #how all of them knew we were being abused neglected and did fucking less than nothing #how my grandpa was supposed to be providing financial support and we only learned after he passed away that he ignored my grandmas will #i just keep thinking over and over as i’m struggling with my life emotionally and financially #like things could have been better if there had just been… a a small amount of kindness #or ppl actually doing their jobs #it doesn’t even have to do with how bad things are right now #but sometimes i get so fucking bitter about how things could have been #i keep thinking how much i wish my parents hadn’t had so many kids #how i wish i had never been born #that there was no reason i was born #that i’m just another fucking piece of trash in a hoarders collection #that i’m loved more as a possession than a child #idk why i’m here #i didn’t ask for this #i’m so angry and sad #i feel like every time i stand up someone pulls the rug out from under me and gets pissed that i lost my balance

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letsplaythermalnuclearwar · 11 days

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Homer!Odysseus and Epic!Odysseus would try to kill each other if they ever met

#Homer!Odysseus: you sacrificed your men to save yourself? Detestable coward! How I wish I was never born if it would ensure you had not the #Epic!Odysseus: you’d understand if you *loved your wife.* But I guess a guy who stayed with Circe for a year wouldn’t know that!#H!Odysseus: do not speak of things you know nothing about! I long for my return to sweet Penelope but I have a duty to my men #E!Odysseus: A YEAR. A WHOLE YEAR. I WOULD KILL ANYTHING AND ANYONE TO GET A HOME A YEAR FASTER #H!Odysseus: that was clear when you served Scylla six men like they were cattle!#E!Odysseus: it was them or me! And don’t keep talking about my friends like you did any better. you’ll go home alone too #H!Odysseus: they doomed themselves when they ate Hyperion’s golden cattle. I am not responsible for their suffering. But you could have ens #H!Odysseus: Now Eurylochus’s body lies at the bottom of the sea where there can be no burial and no honour #E!Odysseus: AND I’LL GO HOME TO MY WIFE. MY BEAUTIFUL PERFECT LOVELY LOYAL WIFE WHO’S BEEN WAITING FOR ME FOR TWENTY YEARS.#E!Odysseus: and when I go home and she asks if I came back as fast as I could I’ll be able to answer honestly #H!Odysseus: WE HAD BEEN THROUGH MANY TRIALS. THE MEN NEEDED TO REST #E!Odysseus: FOR A YEAR???? DID THEY NEED TO REST FOR A YEAR??? AND DID THEY NEED THAT REST RIGHT AFTER A MONTH’S LONG REST WITH AEOLUS??? S #H!Odysseus: IF YOU WISHED FOR ITHACA SO DESPERATELY WHY DIDN’T YOU OBEY PALLAS ATHENA AND KILL THE CYCLOPS #E!Odysseus: *drawing sword* I WAS HAVING A ROUGH DAY #Epic the musical #Epic odysseus #The odyssey #odysseus #Homer #Greek mythology #Jorge rivera-herrans #nuclear war speaks

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swallowtail-ageha · 28 days

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Said it before but auuugh... malenia and kindred of rot unwilling mother/unwanted children relationship... loss of bodily autonomy... the result of that loss that you cannot undo but have to live with

#its about waking up and discovering that you just have. a plethora of spawn. born without your consent born from an act you find shameful #most of them don't even look normal. they are inhuman monstruosities who worship you and call you mother #because they dont know anything else you are their world they are dependent on you #and they look monstrous. they are monstruosities. because you are accursed from birth and no matter what normal life you wish you had #you will never get it. you will only be able to bear other monstruosities like you are without wanting you #because your body isn't yours and has never been #sorry i just find. this theme per se already fascinating and EXTREMELY fascinating re: mal #like that godawful std post had one (1) gem in it and it was how outer god inside of you can be interpreted as #sa or loss of bodily autonomy and i am. ah i can work with this

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auquaticmoonlight · 4 months

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ughhhh why is gender so hard to figure out. my body is like boom gender dsyorphia but won’t tell me noone about my identity

(I accidentally made an entire vent in the tags lmao)

#my gender dysorphia has been bad the past few weeks. really fucking bad #when I try to learn about my identity I get mad that I’m nowhere near becoming it or mad that I don’t know what the fuck I want to be #but I want to be more neutral and I don’t know if I want to be masculine because I want to look genderless #or if the two aren’t together #I hate this. I pick a label and there’s always something wrong with it.#demiboy is too masculine and implies I look masculine p #agender isn’t masculine enough #I can’t be genderfluid when I only want to be masc and neutral #I can’t be bigender when I don’t want to be a transman #nothing ever fits. and whether I find what fits or not the dysorphia is just gonna get worse #and my mom will think I’m a butch lesbian for years #and once those years finally pass she isn’t gonna let us leave Florida #or by then the transphobia would’ve spread across the county #and then she still wouldn’t let me leave #because I’ll always be too young. I’ll never have enough documented dysorphia.#I’ll never get on t. I’ll never get a binder or surgery.#bevause i look too feminine to be tranmasc.#because I can’t get hormones.#because my mom won’t let me.#because I haven’t had this for enough years.#because I looked too feminine before and thought that feminine things were cute #because I liked girls.#I liked how the outfits looked but never really asked if I wanted to wear them.#and when I finally did it was too late.#the answer was no. but they didn’t believe me #bc for so many years I thought because and outfit was cute or astethic meant you wanted to wear it. but I didn’t want to be seen as a girl.#I want to be masculine. I wish I was born male. but it’s too late for me to realize that.#now nobody cares what I want to be. anyone that does is across the fucking world.#anyways I’m reaching tag limit so I’ll stop this #vent

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iniziare · 1 month

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Tag drop: Jingliu

#tag drop #jingliu. [ and so i wield my blade to the very end. until the “stars” have been cut down from the sky. this oath: i will never forsake. ]#jingliu: ic. [ trapped in childhood nightmares; she tore off a spread of black silk from the edge of her skirt and covered her eyes. ]#jingliu: inquiries. [ ice waves as sharp as knives spreading like transient flowers in the air. freezing all and everyone they contact. ]#jingliu: countenance. [ when you live to be a thousand years. each day is carrying the weight of a mountain through an interminable maze. ]#jingliu: introspection. [ why do you wield a sword? / this is like asking a poet why they wrote poems. this is the only way for me. ]#jingliu: meta. [ this sword in my hand... naught but a needle compared with the heavenly bodies. how can i use it to cut open a star? ]#jingliu: little notes. [ this is the first time she understands “wanting to live”. before now; she was simply someone ready to die. ]#jingliu: wishes. [ unsheathing this sword without merit is to blaspheme the divine will of the reignbow arbiter; and invite calamity. ]#jingliu: etc. [ to the xianzhou; i am but an abandoned pawn: a wandering swordmaster. ]#jingliu: the sword. [ if a day comes that the quivers run empty; and starskiffs crash who will protect you and i then; or the xianzhou? ]#jingliu: florephemeral sword. [ a sword: 3 feet; 7 inches in length. weighing nothing. and it glowed as if a sliver of moonlight. ]#jingliu: shattered sword. [ a sword: 5 feet in length. weighing 3000 catties. unyielding: mirroring the defiance; hubris of its creator. ]#jingliu: cangchang. [ when devoured; we had to face the truth that our lives were but a grain of sand in the river of time. ]#jingliu: hcq. [ their faces still linger before my eyes like a bygone dream. yet dream will eventually fade. like clouds from the sky. ]#jingliu: memories. [ given the choice between staring at the abyss with a troubled mind and marching blindly: i choose the latter. ]#jingliu: jing yuan. [ in an endless night; there is nothing closer than the bright moon. always hanging in the sky. ]#jingliu: imbibitor lunae. [ even after your rebirth. your techniques haven't changed. / when i move it's like… / … like you never forgot. ]#jingliu: baiheng. [ the things that we said and did together have all been shrouded in a layer of mist. a mist i cannot see through. ]#jingliu: yingxing. [ some are born with unparalleled foresight; intelligence; but make the ill-advised choices at destiny's crossroads. ]#jingliu: blade. [ that broken sword... you don't want to let go of the past. do you; blade? ]#jingliu: yanqing. [ that move was a token of my appreciation; young man. we were fated to meet this day and in days to come. ]#jingliu: v. youth. [ you can use this to vanquish those that took everything from us. ]#jingliu: v. sword champion. [ she knows it all. swords are a part of her body: the intake and release of her breath as she walks. ]#jingliu: v. traitor. [ and i will suffer my eternal punishment. that is the only way to keep the memory of the pain from fading away. ]

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dipyronegirl · 9 months

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thinking (and rewatching..) inside job again and i dont think rand is that bad of a father? i mean, he made a lot of mistakes and he doesn’t even feel bad ab it, even tho he traumatized reagan and a lot, but he was never absent. he acts like he cared ab reagan’s career just bc it could help his career, but that’s not true. he pushes her to be the best all the time and it’s bad, but he genuinely cares ab her so much. and the whole ‘creating crises to force her to hang out w him’ thing is fucked up, but it’s cute that he just wants to hang out w her that bad. most fathers literally don’t care enough ab their kids to do any of that. most fathers don’t even know their kids as much as he knows her. maybe my standards are just insanely low, probably, but he’s a better parent than 90% of the parents i know

#not just fathers. my standards aren’t lower for fathers than they are for mothers yk. they’re both low #he’s a better parent than my mom #he raised her being completely emotionally neglecting and putting so much pressure on her to be the genius she is #but i mean #my mom was just as emotionally neglecting as he was. i like telling the story ab how she had me stitch up my own wound when i was 8 #and always mocked me for being ‘weak’. exactly like toxic masculinity except that we’re both girls. i couldn’t have feelings yk #rand isn’t as toxic as her when it comes to that. he neglects her feelings and even mocks them too but she still seemed allowed to Have them #if my mom thought i was being ‘weak’ she would scream at me ab how much she wished i had never been born. he doesn’t do that!!!!#like when she didn’t wanna skip 4th grade. if that were me my mom would have made me feel so guilty for being born #like i had to skip grades and actively pretend (i’m talking real acting here) to not be upset or she’d go on her rants #ab how life is difficult and depressing for everyone and i gotta swallow it and like it cause she sacrificed her happiness and health for me #cause my being born made her life so hard etc etc #i don’t think rand make reagan feel like her continuing existence kept him from being happy or healthy #my mom started blaming her diabetes on me when i was 10.#like im not fucking kidding #cause my expensive private school (that she forced me to go to all my life cause it was semi boarding so i had someplace to stay all day and #so she didn’t need to leave me home alone) made her work too much which made her stressed which made her eat more so being diabetic was a #sacrifice she made for my future #that’s just how it was #inside job #text

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caffeinatedopossum · 2 years

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I just accidentally brought back a bunch of memories of stuff my mom used to say to me :')

#she said she wished id never been born. like girl that was on you not me #along with 'i could just get rid of you' as a threat multiple times #i thought she meant sending me to foster care but now... im not entirely sure she didnt mean unaliving me #she also used to threaten to cut off my thumb #i would say it was an empty threat but shed pull out the knives or scissors sooo maybe not #she would frequently ask what was wrong with me #call me ungrateful or a brat #remind me of all the things that she did for me and how much worse it could be #its hard to remember the stuff she said #idk it probably doesn't sound that bad but it seriously messed me up #she used to scream at me until i cried #shed call me a liar or satanic because i self harmed #god and im still not sure what rumors she spread about it but she definitely told people something #i would say she said something untrue but honestly idk. it could have been something i did actually do but phrased badly idk #i never got to find out #once the first person confronted me about it i had a mental breakdown because i didnt know what was going on and no one would explain #but clearly it was something bad because of how confrontational they were being #actually that wasnt even the first person kind to think of it #god im like shakinv just recalling it #she also called me selfish a lot #oh yeah she said she didnt care if i starved to death one time #which i mean. she clearly didnt care if i died but whatever #neither did I really #i want to remember everything but i can't :(

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autistic-katara · 9 months

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if there’s one thing abt staying up rlly late it’s that it gives u the best lore-dreams

#the girl i met there was cool #there was this weird room that wanted to kill u and i think she was born there (her mother went in there when she was pregnant ig)#i think she had some sorta magic healing powers but they weren’t always perfect (eg. her legs never fully healed so she can’t walk much)#and also i think the room could change sizes or smthn but that might’ve just been typical dream continuity #i think i wanted to leave it #and also there was this creature that came every once in a while and it left something behind i think (maybe human or animal corpses? idk)#i think we managed to find a way to leave but for some reason she couldnt #also not sure how she nd her mother managed to be in there for 16(?) years since i barely survived 3 days #but idk maybe it had smthn to do with her powers #i think by the end i was able to leave and i could text her from outside the room and so could other ppl and the plot was still ongoing #there was also a young boy there that my brain 1000% based off young adam from the adam project #also for some reason my bsf his brother and his mother were there at a bit #and his brother had aids for some reason and she was mad abt it (idk)#wish i could remember more of the dream cause it was pretty cool #i need to name the girl #i remember she was pretty pale with big brown eyes and red hair #and by red i mean red red not ginger #she was also relatively skinny nd cis #and also her legs didn’t work the best and i can’t remember what it was but there was smthn different about what she had to eat #maybe she counted as a creature from the room idk #i loved her tho #dreams #ryan shut the fuck up

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rabbithaver · 1 year

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i do not want to be alive

#im such a burden on everyone and i just. i wish i had never been born #i make everything worse. im annoying and socially inept and frustrating and just. not a good person at all?#in the past ive been really awful to people who didnt deserve it. i regret it so much #they have to live with the things i said and how i treated them and i can never undo any of it. so i should suffer too #it's fair. it's punishment. i need to be miserable because if i am not then im getting away with it #terin.odt

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ivan-fyodorovich-k · 1 year

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strongly suspect I am damned and in Hell already

#does it feel good to any of you to be loved?#do you experience love as a nice thing?#everyone who says they love me causes me unbearable pain because they need constantly to remind me what is wrong with me #which is to say i cause myself unbearable pain #if I were better I would be treated better #if there were less wrong with me then they wouldn't need to remind me constantly #my sin is ever before me #I am assured this is Love #it is horrible #I wish I had never been born #I cannot stand to be alive #are you all really so much better than I am?#or do you enjoy to be criticized?#do you enjoy having all your faults pointed out all the time?#do you like knowing?#how do you live with yourselves #'well God loves me'#God is the one constantly pointing out all the flaws #i don't eat well enough #my drinking habits are unaccetable #i don't exercise enough or in the right way #i don't spend enough time with my family in the right way #i don't discipline in the right way #i am too impatient #i don't work hard enough #i don't manage my time well enough #i don't spend money properly #i don't do housework enough or in the right way #of course the single biggest one is that I am So Damn Mentally Ill #so I don't have the right emotions about anything and that kind of pollutes everything else...not sufficiently excited etc

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cyberstabbing · 1 year

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it's been nearly two years and i'm still mad about the time my grandmother forced me to debate lgbt rights at a family reunion lunch with her, her catholic husband and a catholic priest. i was just now in the shower and i kept imagining all the snarky comebacks i could have said. if i had chosen that moment to come out to my family (i don't know a single soul on that family tree who is out) it would have been a disaster but also such a fucking power move

#but i'm continuously suprised by my emotions #like why do i care so much???#might be that my grandmother facetimes me two days ago and spoke of how proud of me she is and that she wishes i'd visit this summer #like goddamn talk about conditional love #she's made several queer students of her's go back into the closet #even converted a few to catholicism :(#no doubt in my mind that she'd try to convince me that this is the devil's (or swedish lib propaganda) work #but seriously it must have been obvious to anyone at that table that i cared a little Too Much for me to be just an ally #also had my first panic attack in years right after that convo 🥰 tnx gma #mine #she's the only grandparent i've had a relationship with though #granddad1: deadbeat+abusive+alcoholic+dead #grandma1:died before i was born #granddad2:quite honestly maybe a pedo. mom even recently confessed that's why she never left me alone with him #i love oversharing on tumblr lol

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szczylpierdolony · 2 years

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they should invent a suicide that doesnt inconvenience ppl around you

#i need to find friends who are as stupid and annoying as me i think #bc talking to ppl ik friends with now makes me want to die all the time and it’s not bc there’s anything wrong with them or how they act #they’re all great and really nice and smart and cool #but i feel so inadequate all the time why why do i have to be this fucking stupid and annoying #and always behind everyone on everything #and why did there have to be sth intrinsically wrong with me #abt how i look and how i act and how i talk and how i think #and i don’t even mind being stupid but being constantly surrounded by ppl sm smarter and more interesting is so exhausting #but i also never met ppl who didn’t make me feel like this #and i have hard time already befriending ppl so maybe i just wasn’t meant to have friends in the first place #it’s not for me ig and it never was #anyway idk if i really don’t want to inconvenience anyone when killing myself or if it’s just an excuse #i’m so tired and done and i still have an essay left and now this exam i fucked up #and all my friends who after writing it weren’t happy with it either apparently all got insanely good grades #so if i’m the dumbest one once again #i wish i hadnt been born and i wish i could just die on the spot and i wish to have never had existed in the first place

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wheresmulder · 2 years

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