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jmdbjk · 2 years ago

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Oh, Jimin...

These are my personal impressions, thoughts, interpretations and opinions on Jimin’s solo FACE album. Some of the things I say here are built on things I know from past original content, interviews and what Jimin has shared personally. Some of it is just me reveling in my first experience with Jimin’s long awaited album.

It is such a serious album. Jimin said this is the story of what he was feeling, chronologically, 2020-2022, during the pandemic era. At the beginning of 2020, BTS was rising higher than any Korean artist ever had before and then all of a sudden the momentum came to a halt, and there was nothing. Having the life you’ve known suddenly jerked away from you is traumatizing.

Once the king of social media, Jimin almost ceased by the end of 2020 and never went back. “Oh, he just outgrew it.” No, the man was struggling with his issues and not only did he not need to see the extra crap spewed all over social media but he had nothing left to give, nothing left inside.

I noticed how Jimin looked physically back in 2020. He was downright frail y’all. The man was trying to give us what we wanted at the expense of his mental and physical health. That breakdown he had during the ending ments in Memories 2020 was too much. They were all stressed out, but Jimin... those that said he was being over dramatic... the man was struggling with his mental health.

I wrote this last June, 2022 but never posted it:

After Memories 2020 dropped, we’ve heard Jimin say he struggled after everything got canceled. Days upon days that turned into months upon months and more than two years passed before they finally returned to in-person performances. He stated that during isolation and lockdowns he wondered what was the purpose of his life, or that he had lost his purpose.

Jimin’s struggles were most likely much more severe than he let on and he 100% kept it to himself because he didn’t want us to worry about him. That sounded like solo delusional projection but think about Jimin and how he’s behaved in the past...always telling us not to worry. Always saying things to reassure us that he’s happy, he eats well, don’t worry.

There was no working, no performing, their lives and his life changed drastically overnight just like all of ours did. Would we ever get back to normal? What will happen in the future? When will all of this end?

Face-Off

The album opens with a carnival calliope, it was a little jarring and unexpected. The images it conjured in my brain as the notes played were of a worn out circus winding down. It made me think of the big wild circus that WAS his life, and it just wound down and keeled over.

Knowing the premise of the album, I think the title, Face-Off, implies Jimin is looking at himself. Speaking to himself. The lyrics could also imply he is speaking to someone else, like people he once trusted. But I don’t think so.

He was having a confrontation with himself. Reasoning and bargaining with himself.

Maybe he once trusted himself but in this time and place in which he finds himself, he questions what is he doing? and second guessing himself. Day in and day out, the days are all the same nothingness. Hiding his feelings, faking it, pretending it was all ok. It’s all cool. It’ll be all right. He has said many times he looks back at that time and thinks he could have done more for the fans. Being hard on himself. His own worst critic.

And then this enters the picture: using alcohol to self-medicate. Getting drunk. Numbing the pain. Forgetting. Drink all night. Oh, Jimin...

We know he has a very high alcohol tolerance. He once mentioned that he used to drink a lot. When he declined the champagne during the live after the Busan concert, we all made jokes about it and moved on. Oh, Jimin.

Face-Off feels like it could have been a purging song when he wrote it. A little primal, you know... just scream, get it out. Painful but cathartic.

This is the lyric that was scary: “tonight is a beautiful night, I think I’m close (or I think I have it all/I think I’ve found myself)” were chilling to me because they did not come across as optimistic, they came across as being at the end of one’s rope after becoming a shell of a person. He follows that line with “tonight I don’t want to be sober.” Oh, Jimin.

His vocals open very low and moody then transition to a plaintive cry, punctuated with anger.

Pour it down, pour it out... the anger, the emotions, the words, just pour it out.

Interlude: Dive

Like the calliope that sadly wound down, Dive opens with the melody slowly winding back up to speed. Another day starting. Someone knocks, voices, the ambience of a normal day, breathing, running footsteps. The crowd cheering and Jimin’s voice during his ending ments at the Busan concert, more sounds of people in his life. We hear Jimin’s footsteps trudging, it sounds like we hear him climbing steps, entering his house, closing the door, and first thing he does when he is alone in the quiet is pour a drink and drinking deeply. I am concerned.

Maybe it is supposed to represent the closing of Chapter 1, about a day in the past that was once a “normal” day, since it included the last things he said during that concert.

The music track is dreamlike, repetitive. Living in a dream. Every day. Same thing. Go home. Drink. Do it again. Dive means go deep. In deep. He’s in deep.

There is a very subtle line between drinking in order to make it through another day/night versus drinking to relax and wind down. A slippery slope to walk on every single day.

We’ve transitioned from the world changing overnight to living in a daze trying to pretend everything is ok. Coping.

Like Crazy

(I am going to express my thoughts using the English version of the song.)

Jimin has explained the song is influenced by the movie of the same name.

I have learned that the dialogue from the movie was NOT original to the movie but hired voice actors specifically for the song: “I think we can last forever.” “I’m afraid that everything will disappear.” “Just trust me.” And at the end: “How long again?” “What’s the point?”

He has said the dialogue that was used fit the message of the song. I have not seen the movie. I don’t think the song is a literal interpretation of the movie. I think the song’s basic concept is the emotional struggle trying to maintain a dream. But maintaining a dream is unrealistic no matter what you do to try to make it last. Jimin had to come to terms with that.

Jimin’s vocals begin very light and airy, very dreamy.

[God, he’s fine.]

The vibe of the song is sort of retro, very much evokes the artist, The Weeknd. It has a very 80′s synth beat. It is a very danceable song. Like I said, on the surface.... very dreamy.

Vocals transition and it still seems like he’s having a conversation with himself, or with a voice within himself. A voice telling him to “trust me, follow me... I will make it good for you.” Me: gives a side eye to that voice in Jimin’s head because now I know it’s not trustworthy. “I’ll take the pressure off, been reaching for the stars.” Chasing that high. Go easy, Jimin. Please be careful.

Yes, the lyrics are also very sexy... “give me a good ride,” and “Let me have a taste.” Yep, I’m with ya on all that... ahem...

[Wow]

[side note: I love the make up in the bathroom scene with that stroke of silver under his eye.]

“All my reflections, I can’t even recognize.” ...what he sees of himself is not reality. He doesn’t recognize himself. Don’t try to save me. I want to stay like this.

To me, the mud on the floor, the mud flowing down the walls, the mud on the hand that grabs his wrist at the beginning of the song, the mud on his hand at the end... could represent his perceived imperfections, flawed, therefore dirty: his struggle to cope, his less than perfect thoughts... substance abuse... the struggle that he needs to be perfect on the outside or the attempt to appear perfect on the outside but there’s all this dirt on the inside that he can’t hide any longer.....the huge pile of mud at his feet is out of place in the otherwise normal room of his life. Becoming overwhelming for him.

Some of the visuals of this song are, to put it bluntly, very, not heterosexual. Again, these are just my impressions and opinions. But a friend pointed out the photo on the front of his pants and I went looking for information about the art photographer, Robert Mapplethorpe. He was heavily involved in New York’s gay BDSM scene. Some of the things written about him:

“In a rapidly changing society, he fearlessly confronted taboos surrounding gender, sexuality and mortality, seeking to instill beauty and dignity into subjects that lay outside accepted social norms.”

“... a man who consistently brought his audience face to face with the unknown and the unseen.”

The song ends with him reaching toward the camera to smear it with the mud to hide his imperfect self. When Jimin puts his face in front of the camera, he doesn’t want us to see his imperfections. He wants to be as perfect as he can, he says it all the time, he wants to look pretty for us, but I hope he has realized we accept him as a real human being even with his very human imperfections.

Alone

The alarm clock goes off...yet another day...doesn’t trust the people even if they are nice to him...he’s lost...day in day out... passing out drunk and not remembering...what am I doing? am I the only one feeling like this? Alone, pretending to be ok...every day the same...how much more until I can go back to before? Feeling more and more isolated within his own mind, pretending to be ok but losing himself every day. Mayday. The cry for help. Telling himself it will be all right (we all told ourselves this back then). The small nagging voice that doesn’t believe it.

Realizing you’ve changed and you are never going back to the way you were before.

Not gonna lie, that line right there broke my heart. Gives new meaning to Set Me Free Pt. 2′s line: "raise your hands for the past me.”

He was in so much trouble and no one knew. He reassured us over and over that he was fine. Not to be over-dramatic but I don’t want to think about how close he was... I have seen a few people say this song really resonated with them. It is a very powerful cry for help.

Jimin’s vocals blew me away. The vocals start out very subdued, almost beaten down. His vocal fry squeezes my heart. He ends crying out “what do I have to do to end this darkness?” Bad twilight. Night’s can be hard.

Set Me Free Pt. 2

From my post on March 17, 2023:

Going insane to stay sane. Raise your hands for the past me. Now set me free. This is where I literally cried. Oh, Jimin.

Going crazy trying to fake being ok.

Now I know this song is about him saving himself, setting himself free from this prison he was in, the depression, breaking the chains of alcohol dependency, of telling the naysayers out there and his own internal naysayer to go fuck themselves, Park Jimin is back. Strong and beautiful and fierce. The light of the moon shining on us.

We know he still considers soju his joy. He sounds like he’s taken control, not totally abstaining, but in control. I only wish the rest of his days are happiness and stable mental health well-being.

Letter

So unexpected. I was in shock. My heart floated away.

People talk about how Jimin’s album has no collabs on it, unlike the previous member’s solo work. My opinion is, when you are sharing deeply intimate feelings and emotions and struggles about yourself you don’t want or need other people/voices on your song. It’s not appropriate.

The only exception to this was… Jungkook…not exactly a collab, but he’s there. The other songs used background vocalists who are not members of BTS.

This song was hidden. Yes, there have been other hidden songs. But come on...

Letter has a strong stroke of Promise in the ��oh, oh.” And when Jungkook starts singing it is like the world is set right because those two voices blend like nothing else I’ve ever heard. And he comes in in the middle of the song gently supporting Jimin’s vocals. But unmistakably Jungkook. I know it’s up to interpretation, but for me, the lyrics from then on take on something a little extra in meaning with Jungkook there singing with Jimin.

You held your hand out to me and now I will hold on to you. So simple and beautiful. The sounds of the surf remind me of the song “Okinawa” that Jimin posted once. Which also reminds me of their pics at Santa Monica beach...

Letter seems to be an actual letter. When the members told him to write it down, put it in a song, maybe Jimin’s first impulse was to write it as if it was a letter. The lyrics are simple and very to the point and convey:

“...though I’m not good with words, I want to sincerely say let’s make each other happier. You who showed me I am bigger than my small self. You've been by my side and I will be by yours. I hope we stay together until the cold winter. Though the future is unknown and scary, let’s stay together. Never forget we’re together.”

There are references to past songs: Sea, Spring Day. Both of those songs were from 2017.

But Jungkook. On a Jimin song. That was hidden. Clever. That we had no idea about...even though Kookie knocked us over the head with it when he played the guitar for us, making sure we knew he’d only had one lesson. Who do you think gave him that first guitar lesson? Jimin... and Kookie blurting out some English in his last live... who do you think he’s been practicing English with? Duh, Jimin.

It was a hidden song AND the credits were hidden on the page in the book. They were printed in varnish only, which is basically shiny, clear ink.

You know what I think? Jungkook knew about this song since Festa dinner. The teasing about not being offered the chance to listen to the song. That little shit. I KNOW IT WAS THIS SONG!! I JUST KNOW IT!! This was the rumored subunit. Or at least one of them. I guess we’ll eventually see if there are any more between the others.

They sound so beautiful together. I love them. And as I keep saying, they are fine… they’ve been fine.

Last words...

Anyway, that was a lot of words. Maybe I got too deep. Jimin explained himself about how the album originated.

As I was telling my friend earlier...everything in this album has peeled a layer, or several layers, away from EVERYTHING I've seen and heard from Jimin and the group since 2020. I had written some things in the past, like last June and even before that, about how Jimin seemed not well mentally. Things that I had no business saying in public because who the hell am I to think I can say something like that about someone I have never met? So I never posted those words. I never thought I would be so close to the mark in thinking those things. He’s been through it, wrote songs about it, and moved on. And I am so proud of him and this album.

#jimin face #face-off #like crazy #i'm so proud of jimin #if they were trying to quash any ships this was not the way to go about it #i said that after hickey-gate too #also jikook #did i mention i am so proud of jimin?#and kookie is so funny

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senka-mesecine · 3 months ago

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Something bad happens to Barnes' significant other. Talking an ER, accident, potential loss of life type of close call. How would he react, watching the reader nearly fade? (Sorry, that last one had my mind wandering.) Living in the woods has its risks. 💀

I flat out think that if his significant other died he'd either want to die too, feeling that it's inevitable and simply a reality of things so the time might as well be now on his own terms or he'd go back to war, any war, anywhere in the world, wherever a war's being fought in case the one in Vietnam ends and he does so with the intent of total and radical self annihilation, wanting to do so in combat doing what he does best and furthermore, what he likes doing, like a soldier should (or at least a Mercenary). Him seeking out a war to die in would be like a deliberate suicide knell and goddamnit, he'll be crueler than ever before and take as many people as he can right to hell with him, because if you died, they should all categorically die too. And they will die en masse before he drops, believe me, because it'll be an outlet for his fury, sadism and grief, like he's having revenge on the whole wide world. He outright copes with it all by killing others, yes and he isn't even in denial about this fact to himself. He knows. He's aware of it. Feels like that would match his mentality.

But, if his significant other was right there on the verge?

And he's actively witnessing it happen?

I think he'd be keenly fixated on the actual process of them dying because if everyone gotta die sometime, he might as well be fully immersed once it's his significant other's turn once it is established he can't just take over the doctor's job from them (by force) and literally reach into his significant other's guts himself in order to fix them if need be; that's how his mental breakdown in this case manifests --- he wants to be there for all of it to the point of morbidity. Their final breath. The way their eyes roll back. Their last words. Their every shudder, shiver, their pulse and hand going cold. All of it. Is probably there squeezing their arm in a vice grip once their fingers go limp and everyone's too scared to tell the man he shouldn't be in this room right now. Might just get confrontational and violent if someone touches him, you or tries to separate him from you. Starts throwing around hospital equipment and busting up half the hospital? Maybe, yeah. Knocks out several people? Stabs someone or worse? Lands in jail due to the violence? Plausible. Drink himself into stupors? That's a given. Suffice to say, he doesn't take it well whatsoever in spite of his apparent stoicism, in fact, you dying is like the last shred of humanity flushed down the toilet. Gone. And scary thing is, he had extremely little humanity left in the first place. What he had is erased.

How about a close call and they survive?

He strikes me as the 'If you try and nearly die again on me, I'll kill you myself.' types of people, because he has this whole death seeking, grim mentality for everyone, including himself, but it's ironically juxtaposed with the fact he loves someone, namely you, and that him not wanting you to die almost makes him a two faced hypocrite and out here betraying his own philosophies and beliefs, so he covers up the fact by acting angry at the fact you were so careless and clumsy, nearly getting yourself killed, which is merely a (admittedly very toxic) facade to hide his personal hang ups, his grief and how profoundly torn up he was. Suddenly, death isn't just the dark banal 'Well, it happens to everyone eventually. Get over it, shut up and take it.' Suddenly...it's a conflict within him. You get reprimanded, criticized and he talks your ear off on the matter like a drill instructor would; might even brood for a good, long while. But to admit he actually doesn't think a whole ass human being should die, like canon fodder, because it's not their time and because he actually doesn't want them to? Because you're not indispensable to him? In fact, you are everything? Would mean pissing on everything he's ever espoused up until now. He'd be revealing a weakness left, right and center to the source of his weakness themselves. Oof, so yes, tough thing to ever acknowledge because it would also mean acknowledging he was wrong in ways. So, he doesn't. You recover from your fatal accident here thinking Barnes is somehow offended at your ineptitude and pissed off that you weren't taking better care, but in actuality, man's whole world was about to extinguish and he didn't like how that felt whereas he's been bringing and advocating death for everyone else for ages. Except now? Last thing he ever wants to experience is your death, contrary to everything he's ever stood for. Would quite literally rather end himself first or end you (or end you and him both) and at least have some control and say over how and when it happens. At least then he'd be the one who's done it to you instead of some bullshit, freak accident. Yeah, death comes for everyone and it's inevitable, but in your case, might as well be him.

He's quite literally be the living definition of 'He's so in love, he's gone insane. Well...even more insane.'

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qwuilty · 2 years ago

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Hiii, if i get this right, this should be posted right at 12 AM here meaning it’s officially my birthdayyy (feburary 1st) and for my birthday im posting more postal 1 dude headcanons and no one can stop me on my Special Dayyyyyy >:)

His mental collapse in Postal 1 is mostly due to a progression of several events in his life, but mainly due to a sort of midlife crisis escalating his worsening mental health.

I kind of take the advertisement quotes as a kind of semi-canon, which includes the “His classmates voted him most likely to succeed” one as well. I generally kind of think of him as being not a very popular kid (mostly due to his ‘strange’ behaviors and lack of social prowess) nor a very athletic one, but he was a Smart kid.

Being Smart meant he got told he was doing a good job, that people were proud of him, so he had to keep being smart, even if it killed him. And it worked through elementary to middle school to high school, however he completely crashed and burned once he couldn’t stretch himself any further.

The lack of a more rigid class schedule, the stress of expectations, his candle of mental energy being essentially a charred pile of wax embedded to the table, his worsening mental health and lack of medication, it all lead to him having a pretty bad breakdown and dropping out shortly after with everyone else kind of keeping their distance from him due to his “sudden” freakout.

From there he stagnated heavily, having to watch everyone else he knew make it and do what, to him, was supposed to be easy. Everyone expected such good things from him, and in his mind, he failed to go over the last hurdle at the finish line watching everyone else run right past him and over his exhausted body. Now he was stuck back at home in a dead-end job after already taking so long to get out the nest already.

The feeling of being watched started as the feeling of persecution from his peers due to his perceived failure, then paranoia that they were going to harass him, then delusions of a sudden intense increase in violence that spread as he left for college mixing with paranoia about world events and government surveillance, which well... You know how that ends.

I personally don’t know what I headcanon his major as, usually i default to an english major however i have seen other headcanons i like, so admittedly it's kind of in the air for me. However, even if it's not his major, I think he’d enjoy english and writing often. He's got a good flair for melodrama.

Because he’s paranoid of any potential issue happening, he’s self taught in first aid care either for himself or others as well as several other essential skills like hand-sewing. Both to keep himself busy in that downtime after his plans fell out and because of the fear of the worst case scenario that eventually became reality.

This one is more just a fun one, but I like to imagine he was a dinosaur and dragon kid growing up, he just kind of has that energy to me. Another fun little note is that actually, Postal 1 was released on November 14th, which is exactly nine months before Valentine's Day! I just think that's neat. :) (It’s also National American Teddy Bear Day!!)

Prone to compulsion and repetition, it provides the feeling of something familiar to him with the uncompromising spontaneousness of life. Some are simple, quick ones and some are more complex, some even potentially harmful but he greatly fears the consequences of not following through. Probably superstitious as well, things like knocking on wood or avoiding walking under ladders still get him even as an adult.

He’s not as judgemental of other people dealing with similar delusions and issues as he is to himself. He does panic a bit when confronted with a breakdown as he usually has no idea how to help in the moment, but he tries to be helpful how he can, even if that’s not very much. At the very least he tends to be more sympathetic towards people he notices struggling like he does.

Simultaneously fascinated by and terrified by horror movies, he finds the theming and cinematography of them very enjoyable but he’s also very prone to insomnia afterwards. Y'know the whole “watched a horror movie before bed and now i’m afraid the horror monster is in my hallway” deal, it’s a nasty cycle. </3

His love language is acts of service, he likes to feel useful to others and doing tangible things for them partially so he can feel worthy of love at all. In terms of receiving he prefers quality time, but for those who aren’t used to him it’s hard to tell what he even qualifies as “quality time”. Since he grew up mostly by himself either hiding in his room or with his parents out, he’s been alone for a good while and mostly just wants someone to physically be there even if you don’t do anything.

He’s picked up woodcarving as a small hobby, he’s gotten better at it over the years but perfectionism leads to little abandoned projects left behind before they’re ever finished. He’s fairly creative and has a sense of wonder under all that grunge, just not the energy or confidence to really pursue anything with that.

He needs some kind of music or sound while he sleeps, mostly through an old CD player resting on his nightstand. He’s got a small folder of easier listening cds he’s gotten from thrift stores as well as the ones he already has, the kind you find that are heavily discounted in the back. They’re in fairly bad condition and it’s definitely not helped by him constantly having to replay them, but it’s better than laying in complete silence.

He’s gone through a few jobs, especially after his college time trying to keep afloat. Most jobs he left were ones he had to quit due to the stress or he ended up being let go due to complaints of his uncomfortable behavior. Mainly unintentionally disturbing staff members and being fired for unaffiliated reasons on paper so they can just let him go and not have to tell him why to his face. It’s not even that he does a bad job or that he’s rude, it’s mainly his height and mixture of quietness, muttering, and lurking around the area that gets him written up.

He greatly prefers winter to any other season, partially because it allows him to layer up more without overheating to feel a bit safer and partially because he isn’t as sweaty when it's colder. But during summer he usually cycles through a couple old band shirts that still mask his form well enough, the boots are all season though. He’s also generally grumpier during summer, even having grown up in Arizona the heat bothers him as well as how bright it gets outside.

What doesn’t help him with that is how easily he burns up in the summer, partially because he still dresses pretty heavy even with his “warm weather” clothes, but also because of how pale he is. It’s like he freckles a little and then it’s all pain from there. </3

He doesn’t have a proper driving license and never learned how to, which adds onto his feeling of being far behind where he ‘should’ be. He did use to have a bike he rode to and from work but it got crushed under one of his neighbor’s cars and was completely irreparable, meaning he had to walk to and from work leading to him eventually stopping showing up at all.

Prone to zoning out, either lost in thought or just kind of a gap where he really isn’t there. He enters a state of auto-pilot, his mind either unraveling a thread that got too messy or trying to boot back up, it can lead to him accidentally hurting himself by either tripping over something or if he’s doing something like needlework, partially why he doesn’t cut his own vegetables very much.

In addition to that, he’s got a lot of small nicks and cuts on his hands, it’s not that he’s klutzy, just sometimes unaware of his surroundings. The only time he’s been fully, 100% there and in the moment instead of fretting over the past or future was during the events of Postal 1, and even then it was more because he was in a state of a very high adrenaline rush trying to stay alive. He most likely had to be hospitalized by the end of it, considering how far he’s walked as well as the inevitable blood loss and bullet wounds even if he’s using first aid kits.

When he’s unemployed his sleep schedule is a rotating nightmare, he starts with waking up incredibly early and progressively sleeps at later and later times until he ends up getting up by nighttime and falling asleep in the morning. When he isn’t, his sleep schedule is a bit better, but due to bouts of insomnia he sometimes has to run on basically nothing for the entire shift. At this point he could probably sleep standing up, or at least start to before waking up in a jolt of panic.

I feel like as a kid he was pretty gullible, though that was half because his parents didn’t teach him better and half because the world seemed so strange already, it was hard for him to tell lies from reality. As an adult he’s gotten better about being skeptical, fool him once shame on him, but you won’t fool him twice. At least if he can help it you won't. In exchange however, this has made him very skeptical of genuine things as well, even positives.

Even before The Incident he had an interest in guns, as I said in my previous headcanons post I imagine he was taught how to use them by his dad, but he’s mostly fascinated by how they work. Maybe a little too curious for his own good towards them. He could find himself staring endlessly at something like a handgun trying to figure out how it worked and looking into its different mechanisms and little design quirks.

If he wasn’t afraid of accidentally blowing his arm off and of the government tracking his package orders to get parts, he probably could have made his own firearms. It doesn’t help either he finds this an incredibly hard hobby to just discuss casually to others especially considering his already ‘off’ look to others, so he often just keeps his mouth shut about it and enjoys it in the privacy of his own home.

He’s had a couple relationships, some mutually, some more one sided through his own ideas of the person and how their relationship would be. With new partners he tries to give an impression of being ‘normal’ VERY hard, almost walking on eggshells because he’s worried about them seeing his true colors. In a way, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy as he starts to burn out on having to mask his actual personality, leading to a very sudden cold shoulder and often the relationships were dropped right there as the expectation of how he was suddenly broken and they had to see him at his worst.

For the ones he imagines, it’s always from a distance as he finds it incredibly hard to even initiate contact with someone he’s into, incredibly petrified of coming off as weird. Still, when he crushes on someone, it becomes a small bout of fixation until they either get freaked out by him and distance themselves or the daydream fades away. He had tried lying about being in a relationship with a past crush of his, but she eventually found out and was well, frankly disturbed and disgusted by his actions.

He’s partially a romantic, at least compared to the other dudes, however it’s mostly in theory and far less in practice. He has a lot of thoughts about romance and doing grand gestures, but as mentioned before actually getting that off the ground is practically impossible if the person doesn't know how he is going in. If they do get past that initial crash, he does try to be traditionally romantic, just not entirely well. He got you flowers. Or well, a single flower. That he hurriedly yanked out of his neighbor’s garden so he wouldn’t notice him so it’s kind of crumpled up. There’s also still a clump of dirt stuck to the stem.

He had tried to go to therapy, mostly at the insistence of family after noticing his isolation and volatile nature, but he finds it very hard to open up to health professionals. There’s a feeling of disconnect with him and them, either with his past therapist or the psychiatrists evaluating him at the end of Postal 1. It’s hard to open up, even harder to do so to someone writing down things about you like you’re a lab rat in a test, or at least that’s how he feels about it. Eventually due to being busy, visit rescheduling was forgotten and he figured it was best to not remind them.

His dreams tend to be very strange and slightly unsettling when he can remember them, semi lucid at times but in places he REALLY does not want to be conscious. He figures it’s best to avoid thinking about them, trying to parse any meaning from them just leaves him panicked about what it could mean for his future or what it means inside his head. Usually sleeps curled up in a sort of fetal position, he snores but in very long gaps, so you may be a little worried seeing him laying there and breathing so softly it looks like he isn’t alive until he lets out a loud snore.

Not actually much of a drinker, he already deals with fairly frequent headaches and the thought of getting black out drunk and doing god knows what worries him. He’s mainly only a social drinker to try and get that ‘liquid confidence’ but since he’s not really getting invited out to drink or inviting anyone IN his tolerance is pretty low.

Drink of choice is really just shitty canned beers, it’s what he can afford and while he hates the taste, when he needs to be drunk it gets the job done. I don’t think he’s on the same level of drug cocktail that Postal 2 and onward dudes are on, but he’s probably experimented with some pot before. Hallucinogenics would be a fucking awful idea though, don’t give him those.

His hallucinations tend to get worse and worse the more tired he is, he mostly experiences visual hallucinations as well as audio-based ones, but also some physical ones too. It’s kind of a sign that he needs to book it to bed once he starts noticing them ramping up worse and worse. Sometimes he does not get the luxury of being able to go right to sleep though, those are his least favorite times to be awake.

He can be pretty protective, both of his things and people in his life. In terms of his belongings, he’s worried about them getting broken leading to him kind of hovering over people who borrow things from him and making sure they aren’t too rough with them even to the point of coming off to others as obnoxious about it. It’s not that he means to come off as rude, he’s just very worried since he has to kind of hold onto them a while and gets attached.

In terms of people however, it’s a mixture of his brewing savior complex and desire to keep those who can stand him from getting hurt on his watch. Mostly in terms of making sure something won’t fall on them with his height advantage, stepping in to do more dangerous things, it can come off a little patronizing but he means well. If you come at him gently about it and explain he’ll back off, but there’s still that air of anxiousness to him, that fear of something terrible happening extending outwards to others as well.

Very much prone to a black and white view of the world. Good and bad, right and wrong, he was taught over and over what they were, so breaking from that is hard for him. And he wants to do good, he wants to do so much good and make others happy, but the world is a messy shade of gray that he just. Can’t comprehend sometimes. Good people are supposed to protect others, not harm them, he knows that. But sometimes you have to hurt a few to protect the many, at least that’s his justification for it all.

And to end this on a kinder note i wanted to share things that reminded me of him but i don't want to potentially spam to random tags cause tumblr search is weird, so small collage of stuff that makes me think of him

#postal 1 #postal dude #postal #postal headcanons #thats right this bitch is even LONGER than my last one. i scratched back in my brain for these ones <3 #holding him gently babygirl you may have no canonical story but im writing so much shit for youuuu #he has firmly buried himself right in my brain and im thinkin about him very very much #and i hope yall enjoy my ramblings <3

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active-mind-15 · 1 year ago

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Both variations of Akashi's backstory are interesting, but I'd like to vouch for the anime for a quick sec.

On the one hand, the manga version makes basketball one of the many extra-curricular activities he was made to master, but due to his falling victim to Masaomi's "success is everything" rhetoric (and also due to the sheer overload of activities he is made to do), he felt the need for control, which is why he snapped in Teiko since he was always told that he NEEDS to win as a member of the Akashi family. And that has the potential to be explored in its own regard.

But the reason why I like anime Akashi's slightly altered backstory to make him have a more sentimental reason to play basketball is because--to me, at least--it raises the stakes a lot more.

As both the anime and manga have stated, Akashi's mother was his biggest support system. I personally think that the anime did a better job of showing that. Idk why, but since Akashi is the heir to a corporation, I felt it would make more sense for him to have a father who was more focused on him getting good grades and believing an extracurricular as time-consuming as basketball would only serve as a distraction. Therefore, Akashi's mother being the one to give Akashi the basketball showed that, unlike his father, she wanted to see him happy and be a child for once, since he seemed to not get any opportunity to play with kids his age any other time. And once his mother passed, basketball became the only way he felt connected to her.

I think that makes for more of a reason for Akashi to break down the way he did in Teiko, especially since the trauma of his mother's passing is what created his other personality in the first place. And since basketball is the anchor his mother left him, and his father would only let him play if he kept winning, he felt even more desperate to keep basketball through any means necessary. This is why, despite him doing multiple extracurricular activities, we only ever see him care this much about basketball. And this is also why he looked so devastated when he realized he was about to lose the one-on-one with Murasakibara in Teiko. Because if he loses the one-on-one with Murasakibara, then he loses basketball. And if he loses basketball, then he loses his connection to his mother. And if he loses his connection to his mother, he loses EVERYTHING.

It can be argued that making Masaomi allowing Akashi to play only if he kept winning doesn't line up, but I think it actually gives way to an interesting headcanon. By having anime Akashi still playing basketball even after establishing how strict his father was about it, it could imply that after he lost the Winter Cup, he was somehow able to confront his father about his toxic "success is everything" mentality and stress how important basketball is to him and how he refuses to let it go just because he lost one time. I think that would do more for Akashi's character growth outside the canon material because it means that rather than being a puppet of his father, he stood up for himself and was able to overcome another mental hurdle, even if we as the viewers didn't see it ourselves.

Idk, in the Winter Cup, Kuroko, Kagami, and the other Seirin members were desperate to win because they had their own high stakes (e.g., Kuroko was trying to get his friends back; Kagami wanted to be the best player in Japan; it was Kiyoshi's last year to play and next year they wouldn't be as powerful, especially given how many of their trump cards Seirin had to play just to get to the Winter Cup finals in the first place). It was these high stakes that made you want to root for them more because you knew what was on the line. It was literally do-or-die. But if the anime hadn't altered Akashi's backstory and made it so that there were barely any stakes because Akashi would still be allowed to continue basketball regardless, I'm not sure his mental breakdown near the end of the Winter Cup finals would've been as compelling. I think people would see it more as a tyrannical captain losing it in the finals because he realized that the other team is winning, rather than a traumatized teen who is about to lose the one thing he cares about the most and is responding to that realization the only way he knows how.

TL;DR, I'm happy with and arguably prefer the anime version of Akashi's backstory because it raised the stakes of all his games as well as opened up opportunities for some great headcanons related to the dynamic between Akashi and his father.

This has probably been said a lot of times but reminder that in the manga, it was never mentioned that Masaomi only allows Akashi to play basketball if he wins. And as proof, after Rakuzan lost to Seirin, in Extra Game it looks like Akashi is still playing basketball happily, so that no basketball if you lose part can be counted as not true.

#I typed a whole dissertation and I don't regret it #I guess that people feel compelled to respect the source material but I find the anime version makes for interesting canon #I just have a lot of thoughts about Akashi okay #kuroko no basket #knb headcanons #knb analysis #akashi seijuro

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maeglinyedi · 2 years ago

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Because I'm a bit older (late 40s) I have a different view on the whole debate about whether autism is a disability or not.

I wasn't diagnosed with autism until a year ago (and ADHD 6 months ago), but let's pretend for a moment that I had been diagnosed as a child or as a teenager. And then let's pretend that someone had asked me in my early twenties if I thought autism was a disability.

I would have absolutely denied that. I would have stepped on top of the biggest soap box I could find and shouted that autism was most certainly NOT a disability.

Because in my early twenties I was living my best life. I was married, we'd bought a house, I worked full time, I had good friends and interesting hobbies. I might be autistic, but that didn't stop me from living a perfectly normal life.

Except that it was. I just didn't realize it yet. I was constantly overstimulated without realizing it. And even when I did realize it I just pushed through it, because after all I wasn't disabled.

But your brain can only take so much chronic overstimulation before it just shuts down. I was in my mid twenties when I had my first nervous breakdown. Suddenly I couldn't do the things anymore that I wanted to.

It took me 9 months to recover from that, and that was far too fast, mostly driven by my ADHD which demanded I get my brain back online asap. So I went back to work because I was a perfectly abled young woman after all.

But I didn't change anything that had caused me such overstimulation in the first place, and thus it came back full force and after 18 months I once again reached my breaking point and had a nervous breakdown, this time with added depression.

I haven't worked again since that second breakdown over 20 years ago. I'm officially declared disabled, yet it took me another decade (!) to accept that yes, I really am disabled. The autism and ADHD was a mystery still at that point, but I had officially been diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder and PTSD. All courtesy of me desperately trying to lead a perfectly normal life for a few years in my early twenties.

Now I know what's going on in my brain. Now I'm starting to understand what my limitations are. And now I know that yes, I really am disabled and that there are plenty of things I can't do like most people can. Certain noises scramble my brain, people exhaust me and it takes me all the energy I have to get myself through a day in one piece. I know this and I accept this.

But now, every time I see a neurodivergent someone in their late teens or their early twenties step up onto a soapbox to loudly proclaim they're not disabled, my heart aches for them because I was once where they are now.

And I hope with all my heart that they will be able to live their lives without ever breaking down, but I also know that there's a chance they'll meet their mental limits sooner or later and learn what it means to be autistic in a very confrontational and devastating way.

Because to be neurodivergent means that you have a brain that needs more attention and care than that of a NT person. You need to learn your limitations, because if you don't those limitations will catch up with you when you least expect it.

And because of that extra care that our brains need, autism is a disability, whether it affects you now or in the future or hopefully never at all.

#autism diagnosis #autistic spectrum #autistic #autism #actually autistic #autistic girl #autism awareness #autism spectrum #autistic adult #adhd #my adhd #adhdlife #adhd brain #adhd feels #adhd stuff #actually neurodiverse #neurodivergent #neurodivergence #neurodiversity

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matan4il · 3 years ago

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Buddie 515 meta

“High price to pay for a fake life” just knocked me right out. Eddie pretending to May he doesn’t wonder about the life he would have had if he had made different choices along the way, this is his usual brand of repression (think of him in 301, pretending he was cool with his father’s advice to just bottle his emotions, or in 504 saying he was just fine with his new job, away from his family), but it specifically made me think of him in 502, trying to initially pretend in front of Buck and believing he could make an entire fake life together with a woman he didn’t love simply for the sake of his son. Eddie, baby, love yourself. You deserve happiness. ~~~

Which is actually a parallel to Buck, the obvious love-desiring little puppy that he is, watching this weddings-at-first-sight reality TV. But normally, that would be a sign that he’s secretly pining for his gf to catch up with his desire to settle down, right? Not if we remember his reaction to the idea of marrying Taylor in 510. So who is making Buck watch this show and who is he fantasizing of committing to? Hmmmm… ~~~

And really, the whole emergency with the groom was weirdly connected to both Buck and Eddie? Because their love lives have been paralleling for so long, they are both literally this man, making the wrong decisions, not following his heart, not seeing he’s with the wrong person and in a place where there’s no real love and partnership. Eddie has been so tightly connected to the theme of a heart since 413 that this call immediately brings him to mind, and we saw him explicitly say he will stay with the wrong person in 502. Right now, Buck is also with the wrong person, we’ve seen plenty of signs showing us that’s the case, and he was the one who ended up assisting Hen with the groom, even though the writers could have used Bobby, Ravi, Lucy or Chim for that. This is the universe screaming at these knuckleheads to get their shit together. ~~~

Buck’s conversation with Maddie was so wonderful, and it sort of confirmed something that has actually been shown in psychological research (I did a whole course on psychological resilience): even when a person has awful, neglectful, sometimes even abusive parents, sometimes just having one other person who cares and loves them can be more than enough to set off a lot of the harmful parenting effects. Maddie was clearly that person for Buck. And as Eddie’s talk with May and his mental work arc clearly set up things for him to confront his own toxic parents and the harm that they have caused them, might he end up discovering that simply having Buck, this amazing man who’s been weathering the storm with him throughout the seasons and especially after the breakdown in 513, can be enough to help Eddie heal and rebuild himself into the man he longs to be? ~~~

The mother dying in the last call was absolutely heartbreaking and a reminder how much emotional weight 911 is capable of introducing in even just 5 to 10 minutes (so let’s not talk about the intensity of developing Buddie over the course of 4 seasons now). But then, when she passes away, Chim stops Buck from telling her kids about what happened to her. “They don’t hear this news from strangers,” he insists, “they need their dad.” Just think about Buck in 414, being the one to go to Chris, telling him about the shooting, being the person that this kid needed when his dad might have died. It’s not like we didn’t know that Buck is in fact Christopher’s other dad, but 911 keeps affirming that the characters themselves must be aware of it on some level. ~~~

By the end of the ep, the conversation between May and Eddie once again reaffirms the parallel between what she’s trying to figure out for herself, and what he’s going through, too. For example, think of the way she brings up a near death experience being something that opens one’s eyes to what could have been. Eddie basically acknowledges the parallel when his response to her is “trauma always makes us turn inward,” and then he adds that he supposes therapy has been rubbing off on him. But this is Eddie internalizing and slowly moving from his normal denial and repression, which we still see at the start of the ep, to him showing more and more signs that he’s ready to look inwards and face the man he is versus the man he’d like to and could have been. I just wanna applaud this show, that even during an ep that’s not about Eddie at all, it manages through such scenes and parallels to point out the on-going process he’s going through and to set things up for the rest of his arc in the last 3 eps of season 5b. ~~~

My apologies for the lack of gifs! As I mentioned here, this week is my busiest of the whole year at work, I’m doing 4 shifts which is literally unheard of (I’m never telling any of my colleagues I agreed to this or they’ll have me committed), and then the next couple of days I have double shifts, too. So I am posting this without the usual amount of gifs, otherwise it would take me days to get this posted. Please help this meta and others who might not be aware it’s being posted so early by reblogging it. Thank you in advance! And thank you so much to the unbelievable @whosoldherout and @judsonryder for being so talented and making such gorgeous gifs, plus being so kind and understanding with me during this stressful time. Lots of love to you two ladies and to everyone reading this! xoxox

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sxcret-garden-archive · 3 years ago

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TXT Reaction ✧ When they’re jealous

✧ TXT all members x reader ✧ genre: reaction, fluff

Author’s note: thanks @taebaragi for giving me the urge to write this :’)

Soobin:

goes into abandoned puppy mode

tries so hard to hide his jealousy

but no matter how much he tries, it will show in the end, whether he wants it to or not

doesn’t want to be upset over something stupid like jealousy

deep inside he knows that you love him and he trusts that you would never betray him

but why does it bother him so much that this other guy is standing just a little too close to you and being just a little too friendly with you???

does so much to hide his feelings that once you figure it out, he’s already in the middle of a mental breakdown over this djhdhdjxj

however, through some loving gestures and lots of kisses you will be able to erase his doubts and remind him that there is really no need for him to get jealous of other people around you

will be just fine by the end of you reassuring him, but he will also make sure to show everyone that you are his and his only for the next few days, by putting his arm around you or holding your hand every chance he gets, and not letting go no matter what

Yeonjun:

such a liar bdhdhd

keeps telling you he isn’t jealous, then immediately throws the person he’s jealous of a death glare

he knows his jealousy isn’t making him look very cool, so he does everything in his might to deny it

but it’s so obvious dhhdjdjd

especially you, who knows him like the back of your hand, immediately notice his jealousy

his inner conflict about it is kinda amusing to watch for you at first

until it reaches the point where he’s just highly irritable all day

this is when both you and he realize it’s time for him to admit his feelings and to do something about them

suddenly his mood takes a 180 and he becomes really whiny and needy, but still kinda angry?

your “conversation” about his jealousy probably won’t stay a conversation for long, and instead turn into an angry make out session, which may or may not lead to more

after making sure you don’t have eyes for anyone but him, he’ll be more than relieved, and you’ll have the old Yeonjun back in no time

Beomgyu:

it’s time for violence.

doesn’t make a secret out of hating that new “friend” of yours, who’s a little too flirty when talking to you in his eyes

whenever he’s around, Beomgyu makes it painfully obvious that he’s dating you

sticks to you like glue, has his arm around you at all times, takes on a protective stance and sabotages every single normal conversation you could’ve had with that guy

if you confront him he’ll act like he’s being completely normal??

“Well that guy is coming onto you, I need to make sure he doesn’t get any ideas!”

you argue that he’s just a friend, but your boyfriend has a hard time believing that

however, before this has the chance to blow up into a big argument, he’ll take a step back and apologize

that doesn’t mean he won’t have his eyes on the guy whenever he’s around you, but he’ll tone the overprotective act down

it also doesn’t mean that he isn’t murdering his competitor in his mind for every wrong look he gives you though dhhdhdhd

maybe you just need to prove to him again who you really belong to, and once you’ve given him all your attention whenever possible for a while, he will stop focusing so much on the other guy, and his jealousy will fade

Taehyun:

he’s not one to get jealous easily

but when he does he’ll mostly be very civil and mature about it

tries to calm his jealousy by himself first, which honestly works most of the time

I mean, he knows he can trust you and that you wouldn’t betray him, so he just needs to internalize that once again

however, he’ll be really frustrated if the jealousy persists - mostly with himself, because how come he can’t control and get rid of such a useless emotion by himself??

he’ll agonize for days over how to best initiate a conversation about it with you

he doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but he also doesn’t want to appear like he doesn’t trust you??

somehow ends up coming to the conclusion that the best solution would be to ask you to hang out with the guy he’s jealous of less ksajdfkldöajs

so you’re just like ????

“Kang Taehyun, are you jealous of him??”

he’ll deny it with a straight face, but the more you keep asking him about it, the more he’ll lose his mind about it, until he finally admits it

you make sure he knows that the other guy is just a good friend and Taehyun is the only one you love

after the conversation he’ll feel very reassured and a lot better

but he will also ask himself why it took him so long to reach this outcome lol

Hueningkai:

he too doesn’t strike me as someone who gets jealous a lot

but when he is, you will know

he’s pretty clingy to begin with, but if he’s jealous because of some other guy you seem to get along with just a bit too well for his own comfort, he will stick to you like glue

constant hugs and kisses and always has at least one arm around your shoulders

and it’s not like you dislike his physical affection, but he’s taking it to a level where it’s getting a biiiit annoying

that’s until you ask him what’s up with him lately and he just admits everything

may or may not end up being a bit more dramatic about it than he wanted to be

frankly, he knows his worries are baseless, but he can’t stop the jealousy by himself

you’ll need to sit him down and explain that the other guy is just a good friend and that he doesn’t have anything to fear

just give him all your attention for a day and he’ll be fine and learn to get used to the situation

but also if you introduce him to the other guy so that he can see that he isn’t a threat to him, he is totally the type to suddenly become real good friends with him seemingly overnight??

now you’re the one who’s a bit jealous ajsaklfjöas

#txt reactions #txt reaction #txt scenarios #txt imagines #txt scenario #txt imagine #txt fluff #tomorrow x together #fluff #reaction #txt x reader #soobin #yeonjun #beomgyu #taehyun #hueningkai

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tumblingxelian · 6 months ago

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OK so it turns out I did not see this for some reason and that is tragic because this was AMAZING!

Of the cuff regarding some notes stuff:

Honestly that both makes sense and would make the story hilarious as the contrasting performances start to emerge. Like both Adrien & Chloe spend so much of their time performing, Chloe's life was basically a performance unless she was having a breakdown, so like, they can play the Chat 'Role' but distinctions are still gonna slip through. Chloe is more forward physically than Chat, while Chat's got more emotional intelligence, there will be differences but not necessarily enough to twig "That's a different person." Love it.

Also yeah Marinette finding out and being like "I guess they need to do it that way" or "Damn that would be so useful though, but rules are rules!" makes sense.

No worries on it getting away from you as said, amazing.

Honestly a big fan of the idea that they like, have enough time to discuss the idea before Adrien's first, or perhaps second, trip out as a hero during Origins. So when Chloe shows up next time & is just like, "Its Duchess today" Ladybug just rolls with it and only picks up on the switches on the third team up when its Duke again.

Also low key, Adrien and Chloe realizing some gender fluidity perhaps, Adrien He/Her, and Chloe she/they maybe?

Ah seems you beat me to it XD

On the Kwami thing, Oh I totally get it, I was not trying to vindicate, justify or defend the Order in anyway. My stance regarding the Kwami's was solely rooted in making the setting slightly less horrific but making the Kwami have a weird approach to existence. So while they aren't fond of the Order, they aren't suffering the same kind of horrific trauma and mental degradation that such an existence would inflict on a human. Its still not good, its just that they are alien enough that it doesn't have the same intensity of impact.

A friend I was discussing an older idea with described Sass's attitude to Nooro being missing as.

"Sass's perspective on time means they not only know but feel how this too will pass. That they will all be reunited again and that in the cosmic scale its a very small amount of time & so can be utterly unbothered. On the other hand, because of how Sass perceives time when a little sibling is missing they are missing 'forever' because regardless of how time works, Sass is existing in this one moment without them while having a sense of scale of time for the rest of existence."

Does that make sense?

Anyway onto the snippet!

"You guys are being pretty confrontational"

Mhm these examples work well, suddenly reminded of She-Ra and how in episode 1 Adora's like, "Well you do disrespect authority a lot" or something to that effect. & Catra is furious because of course Adora doesn't get it, Adora is the golden child, authority treats her kindly, while Catra realized sometime ago authority will only hurt her for fun so she doesn't try. Not consciously anyway.

"So, nice to have a body double, huh? Glad you got permission."

Gosh you can hear how scathing her anger is here, I love it.

I love Marinette's sheer explosion of righteous anger and shock, her intense belief in what is right can be very useful once it pivots to someone's side and this is conveyed very well here. The shock both at the defense and the sibling bit was great, took the wind right out of Chloe's sails XD

Also love how worried Marinette is over Kagami, Fu will have been stressing the danger this whole time so it makes sense it is more at the forefront of her mind.

I adore the distinct nicknames and also Chloe calling Adrien just like, "Fuck, I need someone with emotional skills and tact!"

Especially cause- god, I felt AWFUL for-"

I am very curious about this line, also love Marinette talking about how if she had a sibling she'd not want to do it alone, cos yeah she'd likely be looking at their situation with a lot of envy even with the fighting with Fu.

Also low key Adrien & Chloe being like, "We're family? We are now!"

Damn, Marinette clearly needed this vent session, I like how you do a good job of making her so sympathetic here, cos much of the stories framing would make that more challenging.

Ah the classic Marinette paranoia and Chloe copying Adrien's efforts to calm her down, nice!

Gosh mood Chloe on wanting your specific intent to be understood even mid breakdown, I totally get it girl, very autistic of you (Fist bump)

why does he keep threatening to make me-"

For the love of gods, someone wrap her in a blanket and get her a hug!

Gosh them reassuring her is so good, they are such disasters but so committed to the bit, I love them deeply.

Adrien Noir: "Duchess. No."

Duchess yes!

This isn’t ok. It isn't right."

So much growth, I love it, kudos, this was amazing!

I had the most hilarious Aware AU thoughts:

OK, so everything leading up to Origins is the same as discussed.

When Adrien stops to help Fu he's almost caught but Chloe was waiting outside & jumped in when Nathalie showed up and made a sufficient enough spectacle that Sabrina could grab Adrien and they bolt into the school.

Argument over seats ensues, Adrien & Nino making tentative friends.

Kagami is probably around but maybe not in this class. Gabriel is irritated but also figures that an Akuma attack is a good reason to force Adrien out of going to school & keeps Nathalie waiting. So he can't even head out to the arcade across the street.

This is all a big red flag to Nino when he hears & sees that yes, Adrien's bodyguard & his fathers assistant have basically parked outside the school to obsessively watch them all day.

Stuff happens, Ivan becomes an Akuma & in the chaos Adrien, Chloe & maybe Sabrina, grudgingly agree to go to the Agreste Mansion cos it is at least very heavily fortified. Minor argument with Nathalie but time is dead bodies with a giant rock monster around.

Anyway this means Adrien has company when he finds Plagg.

Fortunately the Kwami of Destruction is all in favor of teenage rebellion "Fuck yeah, stick it to the old people!" & has no issue ignoring that Chloe knows Adrien's identity, though they do work to cover it up a little bit when needed.

But, but, but, here's the fun part.

Chloe also becomes Chat Noir.

Not all the time but when its impractical for Adrien to do it she dons the ring. Both already having many aesthetic commonalities and a familiarity with each others personalities, the way the Glamour works & mild physical form changes when transforming and... No one notices, not even Fu!

Also both flirt with Ladybug, a lot.

This also helps keep a bit of a divide going once Fu is discovered, because Adrien shares details on the book with at least her, or potentially the entire "Shitty parents club". & this leads to knowing about Fu earlier and a more contentious relationship.

IE, he wants to take Plagg back, Plagg does not want to go back, they do not want Plagg to go back & they have enough information to make Fu's entire operation very fucking difficult.

Also the book may be found or stolen earlier.

Like Bubbler is a great time/excuse to trash the mansion for funsies ya know?

Obviously Marinette is not a fan of this whole... Everything, even if she doesn't get all the details or learn IDs, she respects authority figures and seniors, & though she might not want to lose Chat she doesn't think turning it into a contest of wills is the "Right" way to fix things.

Also I think Kagami might be Marinette's first pick for an extra ally which might happen sooner as Fu would want someone else more in line with his thinking on side.

This isn't a dig at Alya, but in Aware Marinette as technically known Kagami longer. Sees her as very respectful & dutiful, and has 100% seen her bravely try to throw down with Akuma to keep people safe.

Meanwhile the bee, or perhaps snake or tiger can still end up lost XD

Chat: Me, knowing the location of the Miraculous no one told me was missing? Its less likely than you think! Also Chat: Hey, new hero, we should definitely 100% accept this person & not question their identity!

One big difference between Fu & the other shitty adults, is that he's much more like Roger. IE, he is trying to do the right thing, genuinely does not want to bring anyone pain. He is just intensely paranoid & overly cautious tot he point where it can become harmful.

So, first of all, this is hilarious to me. Yes, absolutely, all of this.

second, I see your "Kagami is chosen by Marinette first", and raise you "As a body double". Like, I think part of why Alya gets picked to be the Fox was proximity - the Akuma was her little sisters, it was the middle of the night, she's already aware of the situation, Marinette trusts her and needs a teammate, boom, Alya gets to be the Fox. However, for Kagami, you're right, she does know her longer here, so probably trusts her more. So, I suggest learning about the "Cat Siblings" (this is Marinette's best guess, if she doesn’t have their identities, that the Chat Noir duo are siblings) gives Marinette ideas. Like, yes, Fu is clearly against it, but part of Marinette probably thinks "dammit, that’s such a good system, though!". How many times has she been screwed over because she had to be Ladybug, and completely fucked up her schedule? There being TWO people to be Cat Noir, while not ideal, is still better for Cat Noir in general. Not that Marinette would EVER do something like that, once the Guardian makes his stance clear! Oh no, absolutely not!

Which, uh, doesn’t mean she hasn’t THOUGHT about someone else to let borrow the earrings in an emergency, OR that she hasn’t thought about Kagami specifically, OR that she hasn’t quietly discussed it with Tikki (in hypotheticals) what to do if she's taken out! So (my best guess for what happens) when Marinette comes down with a particularly nasty flu, and can't even stand up without feeling dizzy, she actually doesn’t think that long before calling up Kagami, like, "uh, hey, weird question, do you think you could take over being Ladybug for me? I can taste colours, and not in the fun way."

Of course, Kagami does it, and because she's VERY different from Marinette (personality-wise) while the public is fooled thanks to the Glamour, Cat Noir is "uh, excuse me? Who are you???", and Kagami has to awkwardly explain that your regularly scheduled Ladybug currently has a fever of one hundred and four, and can't really leave the bathroom right now, so she's filling in. After it’s all over, she quickly leaves to give Marinette the earrings back (maybe drop off some medicine?), and Cat Noir(e) is left feeling, like, "ha, maybe the old man will get off our backs now, Ladybug clearly agrees with us!"

Which. Uh. Yeah, no, that doesn’t really happen. Maybe Ladybug's just better at explaining it, (or Fu is just a little prejudiced against the Cat in particular, I imagine the Order weren’t Plagg’s biggest fans, Fu probably internalized a lot of their shit), but he's . . . not OKAY with Ladybug sharing her ID and position with another person, but much more understanding. If Marinette was really that sick, then going out as Ladybug would have been seriously detrimental to both her and the fight against Hawk Moth. And there NEEDS to be a Ladybug in every fight, to purify the Akuma. Yes, Fu would rather she hadn’t done it, but it was clearly the right decision at the time, so Fu will trust Marinette on this. He still doesn’t recommend doing it too often, but a back up Ladybug is clearly a good idea.

Well, this means that Back Up Cat is good too, right? Nope! Still salty about them, still thinks one of them should knock it off, still thinks he should take the Miraculous back!

Yeah, you can imagine how this is going down with the Cat Noir(e) Duo. ESPECIALLY because this is the Aware Kids. It’s every instance of favouritism, of "unexceptional", of "not good enough". Congrats Fu, you just got knocked into "Adults we DO NOT trust"! You already had a foothold, now you get a proper seat!

On the flip side, I see this as where Marinette starts questioning Fu a little more. Because for all her black and white mentality, all her naïveté, the double-standard is GLARING. She's spent the past few months watching the battle of Wills that is Cat Noir(e) Vs Fu. She was expecting a HELL of a talking to once she wasn't throwing up her stomach. Instead, she gets mild disappointment at the SITUATION, general understanding, and even gets COMMENDED for her reasoning and quick reaction to the situation. Which makes her go "waitwait,wait, wait, hold the FUCK up", because what? What the HELL? Why is it ok if SHE does the thing that Fu's been railing against, but not Cat Noir(e)? Good grief, shouldn’t it have been a worse decision? The Cat Noir(e) Duo at least started at roughly the same time. They've been training and getting better alongside her. Now that Marinette's no longer fever-fogged, she's thinking it honestly would have made more sense to have Tikki take the earrings, and go find one of the duo to be a replacement Ladybug. They would have at least had some idea what they were doing! But no, instead she sent a friend, who had barely any idea, to do the job. And that's . . . . fine? What? And DON'T say it’s cause Ladybug needs to be there to purify the Akuma, Marinette knows she NEEDS back up! If anything, the Cat Noir(e) Duo was always kind of a comfort to her, cause she knew she was always likely to have SOMEONE there to support her. Fu so clearly showing favouritism is a hit to Marinette's view of all authority figures being kind and reasonable, making her start questioning him a bit more. Which, ya know, is probably needed.

On Fu himself, yes, he is very much like Roger. I'm not sure on how the particulars work out, since we have no idea what Roger's home life was like as a kid, but I've been operating under the adage "nothing exists in a vacuum". Roger didn’t spring forth fully formed with his opinions on "serving the public (toxic)", he had to learn that somewhere. Someone taught him those views, which he's passing onto Sabrina. And we SEE, at least partially, Fu getting taught his paranoia - if not from the Order itself, from the incident that took the Order away, which Fu probably feels a lot of guilt for. Which, as far as I can tell, he's managing by doubling down on the few teachings he had. Don’t give out IDs. Always put the Miraculous back in the box, don’t let them out. Don’t let the Kwami know any secrets.

Unfortunately, much like Roger, I feel like Fu also needs to see his stubbornness blow up in his face before he realizes he's fucking up.

#Low key just imagining Marinette asking later #Like #You've felt how wrong and unfair this was the whole time #Well yes of course #Gods and I thought you two were being confrontational #I practically had a breakdown and I wasn't even being punished #Not sure where you are leading with this dear lady #... How come you two didn't... Don't get angrier or more scared or... Somehting?#...#We're just used to people being unfair.#(Hugs very tightly) I'm sorry

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bookwhimses · 2 years ago

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People who still leave comments on Cheer Up Buttercup, I love you all and your reviews always seem to come in when I’m having a bad week. I honestly can’t begin to describe how much it means to me that people reread and still love that fic. It makes me feel so proud of it.

I have something around or possibly over twenty-eight DGHDA wips. I haven’t been able to write for a long time, and I went through a period where DGHDA in particular was weirdly triggering to engage in for ptsd reasons (don’t worry, there's no fandom drama or anything, I just had a traumatic event happen irl and my confused brain put the trauma in DGHDA). The fic I want to finish most though is a Farah introspec fic I wrote for a Big Bang partnered with Juniper, who was extremely understanding about me having a mental breakdown* and not finishing it. Every time I try to go back to it I feel paralysed by my own promise that it would be the first fic I published once I felt able to write again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this is dumb. In June I was diagnosed with ADHD. Prior to that, if someone with ADHD told me, “Oh, I have this thing I feel stuck on, pathologically unable to finish; for a long time I was unable to look at it, and now I feel crushed by the weight of my own lack of action and the responsibility and the imagined failure I have projected onto myself, but I told myself I’m not going to do anything easy before I finish this incredibly difficult task,”

I would have said to them, “I’m sorry, but sounds insane. You have ADHD. I’m not a doctor, but from what I understand you don’t naturally produce enough dopamine to ram your head repeatedly into a wall of things that sound like the opposite of dopamine. You’ve set up a system wherein you have one very challenging objective, and you cannot engage in any of the behaviours that would make that objective easier for you until you finish that objective. This is not intelligent game design, and frankly it shows a total lack of kindness towards yourself. It is clearly not working. Try something else.”

It is very difficult to accept that what I would say to someone else is also what I deserve to hear and what is true for me. But every other month I still get comments from people from somewhere across the globe who read something I wrote and felt moved by it. And I think it's worth noting – it's vital for me to note to myself – that having the kind of brain I have does come with other skills.

When I wrote Cheer Up Buttercup I didn’t go into it with a grand plan, let alone conceptualise it as anything more moving or deep than “AU where everything is the same but Dirk works at Lush lol”. I wrote that first chapter fully expecting it to border on crackfic. I think to anyone reading it's obvious that it starts off matching the beats of a standard low-stakes shippy fluff fic. I got a lot of reviews that said things to the effect of "I thought this was going to be a dumb bath bomb store AU, then it got serious, what the fuck" and, honestly, that happened to me too as its writer. I followed that vein of joy of was something fluffy and silly and camp until I unexpectedly struck something more introspective that touched on heavier subject material.

And I have to stress, I don't mean that as "it started as cheap and stupid and then became a more worthwhile and meaningful fic", because the thing I love most about Cheer Up Buttercup is how it is both stupid and meaningful. It's fluffy and silly and camp, traits which are not easy or meaningless things to write, and it draws on very personal experiences, which can be exhausting to read. I still treasure reviews which say that the fluff made the serious less confronting and more accessible, that they didn't expect a Ted talk on mental health and cognitive behaviour patterns in the middle of their gay slowburn bath store AU but it had made them want to change the way they lived their life every day.

Since being diagnosed with ADHD I have suddenly had something to blame for traits I have that have been difficult to bear or highly inconvenient my whole life. I have had many days where I've broken down crying and said that I wished I didn't have ADHD and I could just Do Stuff Normally, With Planning And No Time Blindess. But Cheer Up Buttercup wasn't planned. It was entirely organic. I only sketched out the barest of plot outlines, which quickly spiralled into something completely different while I was writing the chapter where Todd decides to turn his life around. And I don't think I could have written it if I didn't have ADHD.

(I've also had multiple reviewers tell me that they love the way I write Dirk, particularly the neurodiverse aspects of his character. I write Dirk's neurodivergent expression partially based on my own feelings and experiences, and I always knew I had autism while writing Dirk, so I tagged "autistic Dirk" often. Being told that my Dirk seemed very ADHD was one of the first things that made me go, huh?? hmmm. uh-oh. nahhhh.)

I realise that I may sound here like I have a hugely inflated sense of self-importance and like I think my bath bomb store AU is a culturally relevant text soon to be studied in high schools across the nation. I promise I have no such illusions, it's one fic for a relatively small fandom, posted when the fandom was already losing traction and when hope of any further content was very slim. But I can't talk about that fic self-deprecatingly, I refuse to talk about it with anything other than affection and sincerity because it means a lot to me for many reasons, and chief among them is how much it means to other people.

I've had so many people leave comments or message me telling me that reading that fic made them want to change their life, or that they've reread it more than once and each time it motivates them to care for themselves. To me it doesn't matter if they're as successful as Todd is, or if the change is permanent, or even particularly long – and I definitely don't take credit for work that, ultimately, they and/or their loved ones do. I also know that I'm far from the only fic writer who's gotten reviews like that. But even then and either way, the value conferred onto that 100k ship fic by even one person telling me it has made them care about themself, even for just a moment, feels so immense to me that I can't picture the scope of it in my mind's eye.

By extension I feel a value has been conferred onto me, and my efforts, and my thoughts and feelings. And my brain, and the way it works. Because all of those things were put whole-heartedly into that fic. Again, I don't mean this in the sense of ego or importance but in the sense that it feels like being given a gift which in itself is the awareness of having a gift. Having it in the sense of being given it by others, having it in the sense of being born with it, having it in the sense that I want to give it to another person. It expands endlessly onto itself, precious and beautiful and startling. And a gift is something to be grateful for.

So, yes, alright, I may have not planned this post out either at all, as I very clearly start off saying that I can't describe how the reviews make me feel, then go on to try to describe how the reviews make me feel. And yes, this post may in fact have just been prompted by someone commenting on Cheer Up Buttercup and reminding me that I've written something worth rereading, and I likely would not have written this post this way if I knew how to Do Stuff Normal With Planning And No Time Blindness. But, thankfully, I have ADHD, so I just spent some uncertain amount of time realising that it's dumb that I'm imposing Do Stuff Normal People Rules on me, when I'm a Do Stuff At Total Random With Zero Planning But Golly Gosh, So Much Heart kind of person. And instead of waiting another two years for my brain to suddenly not have ADHD so I can finish my Farah fic and then, I don't know, become a bank clerk or something, I should just find a fic, any happy little fic, and write that. And trust that wherever it takes me will be more interesting than this.

And I miss the DGHDA universe. It is practically custom tailored for Do Stuff At Total Random With Zero Planning But Golly Gosh, So Much Heart kind of people. I miss finding a way to put a horse in a bathroom in every fic. I'll stop doing it once it stops being funny to me personally.

*As in I literally had a mental breakdown, that’s why I disappeared from the fandom. Not that I was a prominent person in any way I just mean that I used to interact with mutuals and friends a lot on Discord and Tumblr and then I just sort of disappeared.

#i know like three people will see this most likely but pls dont reblog #i can't honestly imagine anyoen would i just put that tag on to anything i don't want reblogged #shout out to ao3 user aindia for the comments ily <3 #cheer up buttercup #this is not me giving up on my farah fic btw i will never truly give up on her #i've done a todd introspec fic and i've thought extensively about dirk introspec enough to have basically written one #farah deserves more content bc here's the thing you're honour she's a nightmare #MY nightmare

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sciencelings-writes · 3 years ago

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To Kill What’s Already Dead

Warnings: Suicidal ideation, Wild has some fucked up thoughts about death, also there’s a lot of stuff about Twilights possible death.

AO3 Link

Set after sunset part 7.

Wild didn’t know how long he had gone without blinking. He must’ve looked like he was having another memory with how still and blank he was. Once he had calmed down after his… outburst, he had been practically dragged to an empty room at the inn, being forbidden from seeing Twilight. Who, as far as anyone could tell, was dying. And Wild was banned from seeing him. All of his burning rage had long since died out, leaving only emptiness and ash.

Wild knew death, probably more than any of the others. Dear Hylia, He had experienced it himself! He was eternally surrounded by it, a ghost had been the first thing he had spoken to after he woke up in his own tomb. He had lost almost everyone to death. Because he failed them really.

Now he was stuck in this room, in his mind, completely helpless. Again someone he cared about was dying, again there was nothing he could do about it, but this time it wasn’t hazy from being in the depths of his memories, this time it was raw and real and Wild knew for a fact that he wouldn’t be strong enough to handle it.

Not for the first time he wished for it to be him in Twilights place, he would gladly die if his brother would be allowed to live. With everyone mad at him he doubted they would mourn him much anyway. He was supposed to be long dead in any case. He was probably nothing more than a reanimated puppet whose purpose had already been achieved. Dead, dead, dead, he was already dead, maybe that’s why it couldn’t be him. His life didn’t matter if he didn’t have one to begin with. At least if he was the one dying, there wouldn’t be many people left to miss him. He wasn’t even afraid of dying anymore, one could only die so many times before it lost its edge.

Unfortunately, there were no gods to bargain with to switch places with Twilight. No amount of Wild’s blood would save him, no more shadowy monsters he could fight that would magically heal his mentor. He was useless and hopeless and completely empty.

Outside of his swarming thoughts, he could distantly hear voices. The voices of the people who weren’t broken pathetic excuses for heroes like he was. He couldn’t bring himself to focus on their words, they were probably only reminding him of the low chances of Twilights survival or scolding him for disobeying orders, or for confronting Four. He couldn’t hear it. It didn’t matter anyway, it wasn’t as if their words could bring him lower than he already was.

By the time his mind was too tired to continue its downward spiral, it was late into the night. The other bed that he was not sitting on was occupied. It wasn’t hard to tell who was in it, only lit by a dying candle was the one person Wild dreaded seeing the most. Time was sitting up at the headboard of the bed writing in a notebook. It was too dim to see his face, which Wild was thankful for. He felt like a single disappointed look from the old man would be enough to break the dam that was keeping Wild from succumbing to wet ugly sobbing. Now that he wasn’t trapped in his head he could feel the sore burning agony behind his eyes and in his throat from holding back tears. Who’s idea was it for sadness to hurt physically, wasn’t the mental anguish enough?

For the first time in likely several hours, Wild moved. His neck was stiff from staring straight forward for so long, so he dropped it, forcing him to look at his feet. He also refused to look at Time, who he could tell noticed the sudden movement even before he said anything.

“You back Champion?” He asked softly.

“I never left,” Wild replied hoarsely. Goddesses, he hated how pathetic he sounded. He hated how much it hurt to simply talk. Time was closer to Twilight than he was and he wasn’t having a breakdown. “Did you get stuck babysitting me?”

“The others thought you could be dealing with a memory, Twilight’s told me how to deal with them just in case one comes back while he’s not around.” Time explained, “Would you prefer it if I left you alone?”

“Yeah…” Wild hesitated to explain but was too tired and out of it to fully filter his words. “But I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” It could’ve been the sudden seriousness in his tone or the intense apathy, but Time’s blood went cold. This wasn’t a distraught kid who didn’t want to be alone, it was a warning. Almost blatantly admitting that he shouldn’t be left alone for his own safety.

Time was already barely keeping himself together, and even then, it was just for his boys. If he broke, everyone would be able to fully realize how serious the situation was. He had been doing well so far but he quickly realized that his silence about what was going on wasn’t helping. He was just allowing the others to suffer alone.

His musings were interrupted by the sound of a muffled sob, Wild had gone from clawing at the blanket on the bed as the only thing he could reach to covering his mouth with one of his hands in a pitiful attempt to trap the unstoppable agony that rose in his throat. He was too tired and too fractured to hold it back now, it would almost be a relief if it didn’t happen right in front of Time who definitely had it worse. He and Twi were actually related, it likely felt like losing a son and he was forced to watch over Wild like a naughty child rather than stay at his successor's bedside.

Without noticing a single footstep, Wild was slightly startled by how close Time suddenly was. The man had resorted to kneeling in front of the boy in the effort to catch Wild’s distracted downturned gaze. From beneath the curtain of ruffled blonde bangs, wide red-rimmed eyes met a single soft empathetic blue one.

“I don’t think either of us deserves to be alone right now,” Time rumbled as he gently guided Wild’s trembling hand away from his face. “It’ll only hurt more if you hold it in.” The man advised once he realized Wild was still trying his hardest to keep from dissolving into tears.

Surprising both of them, Time went for the hug first. With Wild slouching so much on the bed and Time on his knees, they were approximately the same height when normally Time would be towering above the other hero.

His embrace wasn’t weak, it was firm and tight and safe. Which was probably what crumbled the rest of Wild’s resolve. He practically went limp in the Old Man’s arms, rigid muscles finally relaxing after being held in the same place for so long. The champion's arms automatically wrapping underneath Time’s, subtly gripping the fabric of his tunic like a lifeline. His head fell into place leaning heavily on Time’s shoulder, and without anything left to hold them back, painful sobs erupted, shaking his entire body.

Wild's grip automatically tightened when he noticed Time’s trembling breaths. Neither of them said anything, what was there to say? Neither of them would believe any reassurances, they didn’t know that everything would be fine, in fact, it was very unlikely. There weren’t words that would make them feel better, or if there were, they couldn’t think of them.

So instead they were quiet, only being able to offer each other physical assurances, tightly holding each other as tears spilled. One of Time’s hands subconsciously started combing through Wild’s hair, it was still tangled from being in fights and running through the woods and he obviously hadn’t been in the right mind to brush it like he normally would before turning in.

Eventually, Wild pulled back, wiping his damp cheeks with his wrist. Although he had heard Time’s shaking breaths and quiet sniffles, he was still a little shocked to see the tears in the old man’s eye. Though curiously, only from his normal eye.

Time wasn’t one to often be emotionally vulnerable, constantly convincing himself that he had to be the strong one out of all of them. Seeing him cry was a little surprising sure, but in some sick way, it was a comfort. Perhaps a reassurance that Wild wasn’t overreacting and that his grief wasn’t exclusive to him. That even the strongest men can break and cry but that didn’t make them any less. Maybe Time needed the hug just as much as he did, even if he was better at hiding his anguish, he was still feeling it and he felt safe enough around Wild to let go of the facade for just a moment.

“I’m sorry,” Wild croaked weakly, he couldn’t convey all that he was sorry for with how vigorously his throat ached but he hoped Time would understand anyway. He was sorry that Time had to go through this, that he had to deal with Wild and his erratic reactions. He was sorry that he couldn’t help and that he was stealing his attention away from the person who really needed it, he was sorry that he wasn’t better.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Time replied with a fierce amount of surety, even though it wasn’t completely true. He had made wrong choices but Time could understand why he would make every single one of them. He couldn’t blame him for his rage or his carelessness. He couldn’t blame him for being afraid or having some of his deepest trauma triggered. In many ways, Wild was still a child who had been through some of the worst things someone can go through. He couldn’t always be expected to be calm and levelheaded.

Time knew that the kid had been trying, he still struggled with working as a team and that led to hiding injuries and distraction on the battlefield but he had been getting better. They adjusted to his strengths and weaknesses, just like they did for the rest of them. He was trying and it was hard but Time would never blame him for not adjusting quickly enough.

For now, all they could do was wait. Just in case Hyrule’s spell would start to work or someone could find out a better solution. They would wait for one of the others to come in to tell them if Twilight was awake or if it was too late. Maybe then they would let Wild see him if they were certain his last words were approaching. Maybe they would let him see his mentor when he was already gone, having nothing left but a corpse in the place of the person he cared about most.

But it was more than likely that he would perish in the night, in his sleep. It had been so long since Wild had seen him and while the desperate need to just catch a glimpse was still persisting, the deeply rooted hopelessness kept him frozen in place. He would just be stopped again and he wasn’t strong enough to fight it this time.

He was just so fucking close now, but all Wild could see was the last moment he had seen Twilight, in his wolf form, limp on the ground covered in his own blood. He knew that the image would haunt him for the rest of his life even if everything miraculously turned out fine. The only thing that would be worse would be in the morning when he would finally be led into Twilights room to be met with someone too still and pale to be his mentor.

For now, all they would do was hope, even if there wasn’t much of it to hold onto. Side by side, the two closest people to Twilight stayed in a silent vigil, hoping that staying awake would prevent any hesitation if one of the others came in with urgent news.

From the slightly ajar window came a gentle breeze in an unknown town at an unknown time, making the dying candle flicker and go out. Leaving them only with the eerie light of the full moon to keep them from succumbing to complete darkness. It was funny, neither the Hero of Time nor the Hero of the Wild liked the moon that much, and yet that was all they were left with.

#linked universe #linkeduniverse #linked universe fic #linked universe wild #linked universe time #lu wild #lu fic #lu time

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selinakidreams · 4 years ago

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hello hello hello ! this is my comfort piece for @doinmybesthere ‘s mental health awareness month collab! and I’d just like to say a huge thank you to emme for creating such a wonderful collab and thank you for letting me be apart of it.

paring: kirishima eijirou (I’m talking 7ft big strongman vibes) x empathic quirk f!reader (established relationship)

word count: 3.7k +

genre: hurt/comfort + fluff

warnings: mentions of anxiety & toxic friendships, instigating with means to harm- please let me know if I missed anything!!

a/n: this I think,, was the best way to approach what has tormented me for years. it was a reoccurring thing for me but I never handled it properly, and just this year, someone important taught me that I deserve more than what I’ve been putting myself through. so here it is! I also think that once my schedule clears up, I’m gonna make a sister piece to this but idk !! let me know if you guys would be interested in that!

++ the absolute biggest thank you to my betas/flow checkers @doinmybesthere @lady-bakuhoe @keishinslove BIG kith

pss. the first person who can guess my love language based off this fic wins a prize

Turning other’s confidence to despair, gloating to fear, persistence to tiredness, motivation into loss- but all you felt was drained. The overuse of your quirk left your head feeling full of cotton; Your chest heaving and vision slightly blurry.

You arrived late to the fight because what started as a relaxing day off quickly turned into a rush to get to the streets. Thankfully Red Riot had been on the scene, waist-deep and stalling a full-fledged fight between two combat villains until backup came.

His tired eyes met yours and you flashed him a hopeful smile until witnessing the villain get a short-termed upper hand. They landed a solid punch, which caused you to feel not only the repercussions of the shock-inducing impact but your building guilt of being a distraction.

Years of training reminded you not to let it get to your head, your hero instincts kicking in after emotionally experiencing that strike. Heart pumping with adrenaline, you began to focus your heart and mind, simultaneously tuning into what those around you were feeling, never forgetting to keep your eyes wide and alert.

Confidence, eagerness, perseverance, exhaustion, determination.

Taking a breath as you ease into a rhythm, you kept your sights on the two people who were attacking the boulder of a hero and finally, a steady grasp.

Quirk at work, the familiar mental image of loose strings flowing in the wind appeared, and you grabbed a hold of them, symbolizing that you had caught hold of their feelings and wasted no time on bending and contorting to your will. You watched as their actions became slower and less motivated, making it easier for Kirishima to handle. He must have realized what was happening, a new surge of elation pumped through him as he began to knock both of the villains down a peg.

Seeing him fight had always been such a marvel to watch; it was so easy to be mesmerized by the sheer enthusiasm he had while trying to keep the balance and execute justice. Kirishima Eijirou was a hero in all senses of the word- and not just any hero, your hero- as cheesy as it sounded.

Secured under his weight and possibly unconscious, Red Riot looked around, a bit disheveled, until his gaze found yours. Expecting to be met with the warm sincere smile that always made your heart flutter, your heart sunk when you saw his eyes turn wide and frantic as he called out your hero name.

On top of feeling a bit dizzy from honing into those particular subjects and manipulating two people at once, a wave of distress washed over you, adding to the unfavorable aftermath of pushing your quirk.

You were quick to whip around, finding another villain was closing in closer than expected. You dropped all previous controls and focused solely on the person in front of you.

“You had gotten better since the last time I saw you,” they sneered as they attempted to land a hard-hitting kick to your stomach.

Missing by a hair, you pushed past the dreariness in your head and went straight into a defensive position.

The close-cut dodge wasn’t the only thing to throw you off; now you had realized why Kirishima looked at you like that; your traumatic past, the one you had divulged to him in the safety of your home, warbling with tears streaking your cheeks, was coming back to roughhouse with the intent of ending in a knockout.

Fear twisted into gut-wrenching anxiety; the plummeting feeling hit the bottom of your stomach with a harsh thud.

In front of you stood the unmistakable frame of someone you had considered to be one of your closest friends for a time; someone that seemed so natural to be with, someone you divulged secrets and shared smiles with, someone that had made it seem like separation was not an option- now turned villain, sporting a suited evil smirk smeared on their face.

It was hard not to let the tears collect on your waterline, thinking about the whirlwind of your relationship as your gaze met theirs for the first time in years. Months and months of triggered breakdowns, cold sweats from various nightmares, and countless tears have been shed as time progressed, the sinking feeling of long-lost fear that they had put you through now showing its ugly head; the thought you had convinced yourself for so long- that you ended up not even being worth their time starting to resurface.

It had been hard to learn the lessons that were dealt and see the mistakes made on both parts- not just yours, to pick up all the shattered expectations of what a true friendship is, but you had. Now you were able to sort through the wrong sorts and had gotten emotionally and mentally stronger because of it; in many ways, the ending of the friendship helped you realize that there were ways you deserved to be treated, and like shit wasn’t one of them.

However, it almost seemed like all the progress you had made swirled down the drain now that they were in front of you. It was like you were experiencing the heartbreak of them ending the friendship all over again.

“Awww! The poor little hero is still heartbroken after I left her?” their tone patronizing as they jutted out their bottom lip to form an exaggerated pout. “Look at you! I can practically see the desperation on your face- desperate for me to come back? You’ve always been so fucking clingy. But you know, the news has you pinned as like... some kind of saint… no, no. You’re nothing but a selfish attention whore playing the good guy... so I just wanted to stop by and remind you of the truth.” they sneered, really aiming to trigger your trauma.

You had opened up to them about all your fears; from the smallest to the all-consuming ones, so for them to be targeting you like this… they must have thought that you haven’t changed- and you fucking have. You worked damn hard to do so; You’ve grown and have started appreciating yourself more, started loving yourself more, started working on yourself more. The villain was only targeting your past worries, keyword, past.

Regardless, you were already feeling too much as is and the best thing you could do for yourself right now was to control yourself.

The urge to take it personally was beyond tempting- to make them suffer as they had done to you, to watch them break right in front of you… But there was a specific way to handle this situation, one you’ve envisioned more than enough, the perfect high route.

Quickly looking back to see how Kirishima was fairing, you were met with the rock hero in the process of cuffing the other two offenders, allowing you to feel a rush of relief. You turned around and mentally centered yourself. The convict seemed to put together what you were about to do, so without hesitation, they began charging only a second too late.

Taking a breath, the perfect feeling to muddle their prideful feeling down surged through you as you carefully knotted their violent stings together.

It was the feeling you faced when all was said and done after, the outcome you faced after you had gone through confronting all of the trauma that was built up by this person.

All you felt was emptiness.

When it hit them, you saw it in their eyes as they stopped in their tracks. No smugness, no pride, no cowardness. Nothing to egg them on and yet nothing to make them feel terrible. Blank.

Before confusion slithered its way to their consciousness, you took the opportunity and roundhoused them- your efficient ankle sweep knocking their head to the floor, deeming them unconscious.

Crouching to the floor next to their body, you made sure they were breathing before cuffing them and standing back up, turning around you double-check on the scene behind you.

The police furthest from you were tucking the Red Riot’s villains in their cars while the others jogging towards you kept their eyes on the limp body behind you, Kirishima in tow. He looked incredibly tired but couldn’t seem to keep the smile off his face. He felt proud.

A weak smile graces your lips as you try to take a step, only to see your vision blur.

Great.

The last thing you saw was the panicked look in his eyes as his pace quickened to a run in attempts to catch you. You faded out to the sound of an urgent call of your actual name before your body hit the ground with a thud.

The next few hours came in slow-paced blinks.

The first time you opened your eyes post-fight, your body felt heavy… but you were moving. It didn’t take long to realize that you were being carried by the muscular arms that you wake up to every morning. Slowly peeling your eyes open, the sight of his signature spikey red hair reminded you that what had just happened. Your boyfriend, the one who was on the scene with you, had witnessed you overcome one of the people that truly had left damage on you. He wasn’t looking at you, but staring straight ahead; by the way, his fingers curled around your bicep and thighs, it had been tough for him to watch everything that had gone down.

You tried to call out his name, but it sounded stifled, sounding more like a broken whisper than anything. After another try, he seemed to have heard you, his ears perking up even though all the commotion- or maybe it was just ironic timing. When his red eyes caught the beaming smile you attempted to comfort him with, he tried to mimic it, only you could make out the way his bottom lip quiver. Your eyelids became unbearably heavy and for the second time, unconsciousness took its hold over you.

Blink.

The next time your eyes peeled open, you were being inspected by the all-to-familiar medical team. The inside of the ambulance was much brighter than it was outside, fluorescent lighting causing you to squint. Unnamable hands were touching your head and pulse points. When they noticed your eyes open, they tried to keep you awake as long as possible, the first step was sitting you up on the gurney. The first person you made eye contact with was your designated nurse- the one with the most comforting presence, was that part of her quirk?

With a kind smile and knowing eyes, she jerked her head in the direction of the person she knew was first to come to mind. Following the movement, your gaze landed on Kirishima, who was standing off to the side and chewing on his nail, arms crossed against his chest.

Had he already got checked out? Was he okay?

When he noticed you were staring, he mustered up a small smile and in return, you slightly lifted both your hands to do a loose wave in attempts to warm up his smile. It worked.

“Okay c’mon, you know how these checkups go- you can go be with your boyfriend once we know you’re okay.” your nurse teased, knowing full well that a serious approach wasn’t going to work with you being this drowsy.

You merely nodded in response, head and eyelids still heavy.

The rest of the examination went by speedily, you being awake making everything go ten times smoother. After everything was checked and you were clear to go home, the nurses moved to talk to Kirishima as you moved to the edge of the ambulance, waiting for them to finish.

“I’m so lucky that you’re not only my hero but also a registered caregiver. Well actually… both are pretty super...” You mumbled, trailing off with a lazy smile, lids finally starting to accept the losing battle of staying open.

“Nooo, you’re lucky that it’s the overuse of your quirk that’s keeping you out of the hospital and not fatal injuries. It’s not manly to push yourself too hard.” he quipped back in a light playful tone; He didn’t miss how hard you were fighting to stay awake. “Baby, can you make it to the car or do you want me to carry you?”

It was moments like this where you appreciated how comfortable Kirishima made you feel in your relationship; feeling no shame when you revert to a clingy pile of mush. Reaching out, you let your eyes close as you mimic grabby hands to your enormous boyfriend.

You hear him sigh as he kneels in front of you, opening your eyes in time to catch his broad back muscles shifting, “c’mon love, you need to help me with this bit.”

You clumsily climb on his back and loosely wrap your arms around his neck, standing up with ease. He quickly adjusts you against him to get a better hold on your thighs. Once he begins walking, you let yourself subside back into unconsciousness.

Blink.

You were jolted awake when you felt yourself falling, only for your behind to hit a familiar cushiony surface. Oh right, the car. Before you could fade out once again, you heard Kirishima say something about going to grab the paperwork so the both of you can file your reports later when you wake up. The last thought you were able to think was something along the lines of how incredibly lucky you were to have someone love you so deeply.

Blink.

Waking up to the view of the city lights twinkling below your balcony and the energy of a healthy 8 hours of sleep, you stretch the rest of the drowsiness out of your body till you feel ready to accept the hefty amount of paperwork that’s waiting for you in the other room.

The only light that illuminated your bedroom was the reflection of the living room lights on the hallway floors. Before getting up, you spared a glance at your nightstand, seeing a glass of water with a note underneath, as predicted; this happened more often than not after a battle. You reach out and take the glass in hand and take a steady sip before letting in more and more water, then reading the messy little note:

in the livingroom <3

You smiled at the little doodle he drew- two characters that seem a lot like the two of you, kissing, with a sparkly heart over their heads.

The need to recreate this drawing was growing at an incredible speed.

With newfound determination, you push yourself up from the bed and shuffle to the living room, squinting when the light becomes a little too harsh against your eyes.

Eyes fully closed when you get to the center of the living room, purposely facing the wrong way and trying to suppress a giggle, you try to use the most monotone voice you could muster.

“Kiri - where are you I can’t see.”

“Your eyes are closed- babe, open your eyes.”

“No it’s too bright but I saw this cute drawing on the nightstand done by this really talented artist and I must recreate it please recreate it with me.”

You heard a bit of shuffling before his voice came close to your left side.

“Was it a pretty manly drawing?”

“I would like to think so.”

He was much closer at this point, shifted to somewhere close in front of you right before warm lips were on yours; as quick as the peck came, it was gone in a flash followed by the sound of him plopping down on the couch.

“Wait Eijirou-” you start to pout as you turn in the direction where the couch is, eyes now fully open and set on Kirishima until the shock of pain shot through your nerve endings.

“Ah, shit! Fuck!…” you wince, lifting your leg to hug your newly stubbed toe.

Kirishima is back by your side in an instant, really trying to suppress his laugh but doing a terrible job.

“You’re such a jerk for laughing,” you pout, giving your best attempt of a proper shove… and he didn’t even budge.

There was a moment of complete silence then the booming of your boyfriend’s boisterous laughs bouncing off the walls. Rolling your eyes, you limped over to the spot on the couch where he was previously sitting, and as the cushion beside you dips, you sigh.

The sight in front of you was a disheveled mess. Scribbled on papers were thrown about- most were filled out but there were a few that were blank, pens and highlighters could be spotted under and over random reports.

“I did most of the reports… but I didn’t know if you wanted to fill out yours… because of who you were fighting.” he slowly stated, as if he were walking on eggshells. You could tell that he was holding back from hitting the main issue.

Was this something you were ready to unbiasedly talk about? Kirishima knew most of the details, but he also realized that you probably wanted to talk about it more now that you’ve not only seen them after all this time but had to fight them.

With another sigh, you let your head fall into your palms- your elbows digging into your thighs- and you roughly rub your eyes before coming up for a new breath of air.

“My heart was pounding…” you started, attempting to prepare for the unwanted wave of grief, but as you trailed off, oddly enough, it never came.

When reflecting on the fight, you remembered the range of emotions you felt, but now… you just felt… empty- which was ironic. No sadness, longing, anxiety… if anything, with your caring redhead staring at you with the roundest eyes, you felt at ease.

“But honestly? I don’t really feel much right now. Like I can say that when looking back, I think I handled myself in the best way possible- they don’t deserve to have that satisfaction of creating a rise out of me, and quite frankly… I’m tired, Ei. I’m so tired of letting them have that hold on me. I don’t deserve that kind of pain. As much as I am a hero, I need to think about myself as a person and there’s only so much I can endure. My mental and emotional health comes first.”

After saying all of that, there was a slight hint of relief that flooded your system; you already began to feel lighter.

“I’m so proud of you. I know that must have been really hard to face but you did it, and you were so good about it,” he whispered as he reached out for your thigh.

Accepting his comfort, you sucked in another breath and smiled up at him. He held and returned your smile for a couple of seconds before slightly leaning in, his eyes flickering from your eyes to your lips.

“Would it be alright if I.. kiss you?” it was such a heart-warming gesture, how he was making sure you weren’t pushing yourself.

“More than alright,” you whisper, barely getting out the last word because of how quickly the gap between you two closed. The kiss was comfort in the rawest form; his pace was slow, his large hand cupping your jaw as his tongue invaded your mouth. You were following his pace, your eyes coming to a close, melting into a relaxed state for what seemed like the first time today.

Keeping the kiss light, he pulled away shortly, but not before placing a lingering peck on your lips, then one on your forehead and whispering, “I made you a snack. You’re probably hungry right now so I prepared you a little something filling. And while you eat, I’m gonna run a bath with some Epsom salt and lavender oil, does that sound good?”

Overwhelming gratitude washed over you. Words couldn’t possibly measure even the bare minimum of the love you have for Kirishima Eijirou, and yet you managed to string a soft, “You are the most wonderful person in the world, and I… Eijirou I love you so much.”

His eyes became a little teary as he looked down at you, a wobbly smile in place before whispering a returning “I love you,” before heading into the bathroom to run the water in your massive tub.

As the thundering sound of the water filling the tub echo through your apartment, you get up and rummage the fridge to find a plate of adorably cut red apples with a glob of peanut butter off to the side.

“Baby do you want tea?” You call out just loud enough, “I’m gonna brew that green tea with the toasted rice!”

He came into the kitchen looking big and confused, “what did you say, baby?”

“Green tea?”

“Oh yes, please,” he said, leaning in and planting a kiss to your temple before turning back to the bathroom.

“Kiri? Can you put on the house shows on the tv? I forgot what channel they were on.”

You didn’t need to turn around to hear tv turn on; a shout of thanks was called out before you took a bite of your snack.

It felt all very domestic, something you never thought could happen to you. Your childhood was a montage of quirk abuse, being emotionally used, following the same types of toxic people, and never learning your lesson. It all flipped somewhere in your twenties- you began to realize the pattern after being shown the kindness the world could offer. No longer world you put up with bullshit like that. You knew better now and Eijirou always reminded you of that.

You were halfway through one of your favorite flipping shows when Kirishima came in shirtless, letting you know the bath was ready, “Okay my love, it’s ready. Take your time, I‘ll be in the tub.”

You stripped on your way to the bathroom, leaving all your clothes on the bench in the bedroom before padding into the warm-tiled bathroom.

The view you stepped in on was delicious; your huge boyfriend taking up most of the tub, his head tilted back against the wall, eyes closed.

“Gee red, you’re so sexy.” you aimed to tease, but your words came out a bit strained. He chuckles before turning to face you and groaning your name, “hurry up and come in here.”

And it’s then when you’re submerged in all the heat and laying against your boyfriend’s warmth, do you remember that life is what you make it to be. Never accept anything less than the love and care you deserve.

Blink.

#she dreams !#mha kirishima #kirishima eijirou #bnha eijiro kirishima #kirishima eijiro x reader #kirishima fluff #kirishima eijiro fluff #kirishima x you #bnha kirishima #mha #bnha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #mha fluff #bnha fluff #hurt/comfort

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sohotthateveryonedied · 4 years ago

Note

Hiii!! I really love your tumblr posts and I'm pretty new to the Batfam (meaning I have only read fics and textposts about them, no comics) and I wanted to ask about the year Bruce/Batman gets "lost in time". I know general things of what the kids have been doing–Dick became batman and fired Tim from robin, giving it to Damian, everyone thinking Tim was crazy for believing Bruce was alive, (don't really know what Jason was up to though, was he still murderous towards Tim? Does the pit still affect him? Also I have no idea about Cass and Duke, were they introduced at this point??) Anyways, my real question was why was Bruce lost in time, what villain put him there? And how did he get out? And how long was he "dead"? Was Bruce in another reality or like just asleep the whole time? Oh! And how soon did this happen after Damian got introduced to the family–a couple months?

I'm so sorry this is so long, but I hope you answer and thank you!!

(I’m going to try and cover all my bases here by going into how exactly Bruce “died,” what went down during the Battle For the Cowl, what the Batkids did while Bruce was gone, and how Bruce came back. Hopefully it all makes sense?? We’ll see how it goes lmao.)

Part 1 - What Happened to Bruce:

So there was this event called Final Crisis (which I won’t go completely into since it would make this post a million times longer than it already is), but the bottom line is that Darkseid wants to overthrow reality and release his Anti-Life Equation, which would overthrow the whole planet and turn everyone into slaves. (If you’re interested in knowing more about the storyline, here’s a Reddit thread that explains it WAY better than I could.)

What I CAN tell you is that during his final confrontation with Darkseid, Bruce is hit by an Omega Beam and turned into a burnt chicken nugget killed. Poor guy.

Final Crisis #6

Clark and Diana bring the body back to the Batcave and break the news to the Batfamily. Batman #687 covers a good portion of the aftermath such as Bruce’s funeral, the Batfamily grieving, and Dick coming to terms with his new responsibility of becoming Batman.

Batman #687

Part 2 - Battle For the Cowl:

Musical chairs time, fellas! After word gets out that Batman is gone, Gotham erupts into chaos. Dick doesn’t want to take over the mantle, Tim needs Dick to take over the mantle, and Jason says “fuck it” and takes over the mantle himself because somebody around here has to. He becomes this murderous psychopathic Batman and starts taking out criminals with deadly force because someone’s gotta do the job, so it might as well be him.

Batman: Battle For the Cowl #1

(Okay honestly, this series had some pretty bad characterization overall, which sucks since it’s such an important storyline. Jason is portrayed as this violent psychopath, which...okay, he was kind of insane after the Pit and all, but not to this degree. Personally, I choose to owe the bad characterization to Bruce’s death because as much as Jason resents Bruce for all he’s done, he does still love him and losing him would be devastating, which would exacerbate his already fragile mental health. As for Damian, this happens roughly three years after his first appearance, so we can assume it’s been a few months since he first joined the family. He’s still relatively new at this point, so nobody knows how to write him yet. He ends up being depicted as if his main two personality traits are Bratty and Assassin-Child and that’s it. It’s all just a mess.)

Anyway, Tim tells Dick to become Batman and stop Jason’s reign of terror. Dick says no, so Tim follows Jason’s lead by saying “fuck it” and putting on the cowl himself. He goes to confront Jason, which ends in Jason beating the crap out of him (again) and leaving him for dead after Tim declines his offer to become Jason’s Robin. Dick goes to save Tim and ends up fighting Jason.

Battle For the Cowl #3

Dick wins, Jason disappears, Tim is fine, and Dick finally gets his head out of his ass and becomes Batman.

Part 3 - What Happens to Each Batkid While Bruce is “Dead”?:

Dick:

As I said, Dick becomes the new Batman a month after Bruce’s death. He’s got big shoes to fill, and it takes some time for him to get used to his new role. He and Damian end up flipping around the classic Batman and Robin dynamic, with Batman now as the fun counterpart to Robin’s edginess. Dick, Damian, and Alfred relocate to the penthouse above the Wayne Foundation building, operating out of a secret Bat-Bunker in the basement.

Batman #688

Jason:

After Battle For the Cowl, Jason is still batshit insane and determined to make Dick’s already stressful life even harder by becoming a supervillain with an ugly costume and an even uglier hairstyle. (I know it’s just because the artist sucked, but still. Jason is horrifying to look at during this time.) He mostly just gets on Dick’s nerves by running around Gotham with his new sidekick Scarlet and killing criminals as Batman and Robin wannabes. Eventually, Dick has Jason committed to Arkham Asylum and he hangs out there until Bruce returns.

Batman and Robin (2009) #5

Tim:

Tim...doesn’t do great after Bruce’s death, mentally. Dick makes Damian Robin, his reasoning being that Robin is more of a sidekick and he sees Tim as his equal. By making Damian Robin, Dick hopes that it will give him the stability he needs to keep him from straying back toward the “bad” side. (It’s the right move ultimately, although his execution was pretty messed up since he didn’t discuss it with Tim beforehand, but he’s allowed to make mistakes. Dick’s father just died and now he’s in charge of picking up the pieces of their broken family. It’s a lot to handle.)

Long story short, Tim has a breakdown, realizes that Bruce is alive, dons the Red Robin identity, and cuts ties with his family to travel the world in search of proof. It’s a rough time.

Red Robin #1

Damian:

Our little guy becomes Robin! So proud of him! As I explained earlier, Dick makes Damian his Robin with the assumption that it will keep him out of trouble, and he’s right on that account. He mentors Damian, teaching him how to channel his violent instincts into something productive, and it works! Slowly but surely, Damian makes the transition from bratty assassin to actual hero!

Batman and Robin (2009) #22

Cass:

Duke sadly was not introduced at this point in time, so he missed out on all the pandemonium. Cass, however, has been Batgirl for years by now, but she got kind of pushed aside by the writers after Bruce’s death. Bruce disappears shortly after adopting Cass, but once he was “dead,” the writers sort of moved Cass around for a while, not quite knowing what to do with her. First she was with the Outsiders. Then they got disbanded and Cass tried forming a new network of heroes to take over for Batman if needed. Then she helped out in said network during Battle for the Cowl, taking care of a newly ravaged Gotham. Then Cass gave the Batgirl mantle to Stephanie Brown after she became disillusioned with the role, thanks to the loss of her father and mentor. Then Cass picked up and moved to Hong Kong to “follow Bruce’s plans” by continuing whatever work he had set up for her there. It was all very vague and confusing, and Cass more or less got swept under the rug during this time. Thanks, writers.

Batgirl (2009) #1

Part 4 - How Bruce Came Back:

When the Blackest Night storyline happens, the Justice League realizes that the corpse buried under Bruce’s grave is apparently not the real one and that he’s actually alive out there somewhere! How wild is that! This is further proven by Dick after he places Bruce’s body in a Lazarus Pit to revive, which has the same result because it’s very clearly Not Bruce and they should have listened to Tim from the start.

Batman and Robin (2009) #9

Anyway, what actually happened is that the Omega Beams that Darkseid shot at Bruce didn’t kill him, but rather blasted him back through time to the prehistoric era with his memories wiped. The Omega Energy inside of Bruce ends up catapulting him through various time periods, which is all part of Darkseid’s plan. With each time-hop, Bruce builds up more Omega Energy in his body which, when he gets back to his original time period, will be unleashed and destroy everything.

Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne #5

It’s been a little under two years since Final Crisis, though in-universe it’s uncertain exactly how long Bruce has been “dead.” We can assume it’s been a year, give or take. The way he comes back is too scientific and complicated for me to understand, so uhhhh the bottom line is that Tim and a few Leaguers save Bruce at the Vanishing Point and the day is saved! Hooray!

Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne #6

(If you want to read about how it actually goes down, then I seriously recommend reading Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne. It’s only six issues, so it’s a quick read and it explains the situation far better than I ever could.)

Bruce eventually reunites with his family after spying on them for a period of time as Insider to see what has changed in his absence:

Bruce Wayne: The Road Home

After that, things quickly settle back into their new normal. Dick and Damian stay on as Batman and Robin. Bruce goes back to being Batman as well, with him handling Batman Incorporated business and Dick continuing as Gotham’s defender. Tim keeps the Red Robin outfit, Steph stays on as Batgirl, and Cass becomes Black Bat. Jason stays in Arkham for a while before filing an appeal to be moved to a regular prison. He kills 82 inmates in less than a week and gets transferred back to Arkham, which he promptly escapes from. It’s a ride, I tell ya.

Aaaaand that’s about it! I hope this answered all of your questions!

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justasparkwritings · 2 years ago

Text

The Littlest Dumpling {8}

Previous: The Littlest Dumpling {7}

Pairing: Min Yoongi x OFC

Genre: Non Idol AU / Author AU

Rating: R

Warnings: Swearing! Talking About Sex! Kissing! Talking About High School Bullying!

Word Count: 4.6k

Summary: Jealousy! Jealousy! And confrontation.

Master List

Tag List: @4ksj, @jagiya, @ot7nem, @knjkitten, @teamtardis-notdead, @canarystwin

Tag List

“Who are you?” The Lil King asked, staring at the unhooded figure.

“Me?”

“You! Tell me now.”

“Hee-Young, protector of the 3rd land.”

“Hee-Young? What is your power?”

“Witch,” She answered.

“Witch?” He asked.

“Yes. Who are you?”

“Yoongi,” The Lil king said.

“Your highness,” She bowed, knee hitting the cold earth of the forest.

“Please, you have saved me, I should bow in your honor.” He said.

“It was my duty, sir. To protect the kingdom,” Hee-Young said.

“Please rise, we are equals in my kingdom.”

“Aren’t you the ruler who chose to starve the people instead of offering them grain?”

“I am the ruler who fed all those who prepared us for battle, and clothed those who gave their time.”

“You can be both, your highness”

“Both?”

“Cruel and kind.”

Lil King Yoongi Vol. 3

October Pt. 2

“I’m sure Yoongi’s told you,” Jane says. She sips her coffee at DanBam and stares at you expectantly.

“Told me?” You ask.

“About my little afternoon affair.”

“About him catching you with some guy?” You ask.

“Yes. Did he tell you who?”

“Yoongi isn’t a snitch.”

“But you’re his lady love, he didn’t say anything?”

“No, he didn’t,” You lie. He had said many, many things about Jane and Namjoon.

“Well, you were right,” Jane says.

“Aren’t I always?”

“I am dating a friend of Yoongi’s.”

“Oh my god you’re fucking Namjoon.” You say.

“You knew!.”

“I did, he couldn’t keep it a secret. You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” You ask, seeing that look in her eyes… you know, from past experiences, it’s the sign of love.

“I am.”

“I fucking knew it!”

“I believe that’s what Yoongi said, too.”

“Fuck that, I was right and he was wrong.”

“He was wrong?”

“That you wouldn’t date his friends because they’re not good enough. But it isn’t about being good enough, it’s about being the right person for you. If he’s the right person for you.” You tell her.

“Yoongi is dense,” Jane laughs. “And you’re not. You’re good for him.”

“I don’t know that someone can be good for you… but I do try to be the best version of myself around him.”

Jane shrugs. “Isn’t that what dating is? Finding someone who doesn’t make you a raging cunt?”

“I suppose so.”

“How’s his editing going?”

“It’s going okay, he’s insisting on more and more edits, though he doesn’t need them. But that’s Seokjin’s problem.” You say.

“Are they, are they getting along?”

“They’re apparently having a meeting to discuss what happened in high school that’s made Yoongi hate Jin’s guts for the last decade. So, we’ll see.”

“Did he tell you what happened?” Jane asks.

“Yes. Did he tell you?”

“No, never.”

“That’s probably best, it took a full breakdown for him to tell me.”

“He’s entered his hobbit phase. It’ll last until, well, last time it went on until he was forced to do press. That’s when he’ll most likely come out of it. He might even write the next two books while in the hole, but he’ll come out. Eventually.” She explains.

“It’s a little scary.”

“Yes, the first time. But he’ll be okay, he always is.”

“I know what it’s like, to have that mental fog, the depression. But watching him… it’s really fucking hard,” You take a sip to steady yourself, though caffeine doesn’t do much to quell your anxiety, only makes it worse.

“Yoongi has a tough shell but is soft and kind on the inside.”

“He’s my little mandu turtle,” You laugh.

“Yeah, he’s a good one.”

“So, I have only met Namjoon once or maybe twice, but I’m dying to know –

“What I see in him?” Jane laughs.

“No! What’s made you attracted to him? I know what made me attracted to Yoongi, he sees lots of things in me because I’m incredible. What was the initial spark?”

“Sex.”

“Right that’s how it started, but you stuck around for what, a year?”

“Yeah, a little over.”

“What’s that like?”

“Namjoon is… stubborn and thinks he’s always right. He has this huge fucking brain that’s so obnoxious. But he’s a golden retriever, he is cuddly and wants attention and is so soft. He listens to me and doesn’t demean; he cares but doesn’t overstep. Sure, we fight, often and loudly because he’s stubborn and an oaf. But I’ve fucked enough to know a good thing when I find it.” Jane explains.

“And he’s your good thing.”

“He’s the best thing.”

“Did you want to fall in love, like were you looking for it?” You ask.

“I didn’t, I just wanted to fuck him. You’ve seen him. He’s six feet, muscles for days, those eyes and the dimples? God, he can devour me whole and I’ll ask him to do it again. But I wasn’t looking for him to be anything.”

Jane had taken a break from dating when she got drunk and slept with Namjoon. A break from dating anyone, after her last relationship with Stef ended. It had ended… not amicably and that was largely due to the huge fight they had over the future of their relationship. Jane didn’t want to keep seeing Stef, but Stef had wanted to keep seeing Jane. Isn’t that the problem in all relationships? When one person wants it more than the other? Stef was pissed, rightfully so. They’d been together for three years and Jane was finally at a place where she was ready to move on. Move on from the life they’d built, have the freedom to sleep around or spend late nights at the office working on plans and projects without the guilt of Stef waiting for her. Which was hard, because they lived together, and had lived together since the great rent debacle a few years before.

So, Jane broke up with her. And Stef did not take it well. There were names exchanged, unpleasant things said, and Jane moved out of the apartment that night. She didn’t care to take any of the pieces they’d bought together with her. It was the end of a chapter, and she wanted a clean slate.

Jane was doing great, being single, hooking up, getting over Stef and the years they spent together… But then Namjoon started flitting about. Showing up to different activities, being in her orbit so frequently she started expecting him places. Namjoon Kim. Then, he became all she wanted. When his birthday party rolled around, she took her opportunity and hasn’t looked back.

“You’re lucky.”

“That we don’t work at the same place?” Jane asks.

“Yes, no secrecy.”

“Did you talk to HR?”

“Yeah, they were helpful. We’re only a little fucked because we’ve been hiding it for the last few months and that looks suspicious. But other than that… we should be fine. We have documents that state when we started seeing each other socially, and it’s clear when he signed his contract that this started after… All good things,” You tell her.

“That’s good!”

“That’s better than good, I thought we were fucked. Going to have to break up, fucked.”

“Now you can continue being, whatever you two are.”

“I kind of hope we become more,” You say earnestly.

“No I love yous yet, right?”

“Yeah, I’m not… we’re not… I don’t think we’re ready, yet. And that’s okay,” You tell her. The yet is important, you’re not ready yet, but that doesn’t mean the feelings you have brewing aren’t leaning towards something bigger than just deep affection for Yoongi.

“Every couple in their own time – I didn’t tell Namjoon I loved him until we’d been together for six months.”

“Don’t you think he was waiting for you to say it first?” You ask.

“Probably, he has a little fear when it comes to crossing boundaries.”

“That’s probably a good thing, isn’t it?”

Jane smirks. “Yeah, depending. I like it. Means I still hold most of the cards.”

Yoongi invited Seokjin to his apartment, because it was the only place he could imagine screaming at Jin in without being looked at strangely. What it meant however was that Jin knew where he lived, and that was unsettling. Not that Seokjin would do anything to Yoongi, but it made him mildly uncomfortable to share that information with Jin.

Jin arrives on time, and the doorman, having known he was going to show up, points him in the direction of the elevator and Yoongi’s home. Seokjin, a little apprehensive to the scope of this non work meeting, hasn’t brought a housewarming gift or anything to say “thanks for inviting me”, though he’s not sure this is even the time or place for it.

“This is quite the place Yoongs,” Seokjin says as he slips his shoes off.

“Thank you,”

“Is this Lil King Yoongi money?” Jin asks.

“Yes, it’s the gift the keeps on giving.”

“You did good, you know,” Jin says, taking in the view from the wide windows.

“Thanks.”

“So I’m assuming you’ve invited me over to talk about something?” Jin asks.

“Yes.”

“Can I sit or?”

“Yeah, sure. Do you want water?” Yoongi asks.

“Yes, that’d be great.”

Yoongi grabs a glass and fills it with water for Jin, handing it to him as he sits across from him on an ottoman.

“Do you remember what you did to me, in high school?” Yoongi asks.

“Enlighten me,” Jin says.

“Well, first you stole my jokes.”

“I am sorry for that – that was totally uncool.”

Yoongi purses his lips and tries not to roll his eyes. “But what’s really been the defining moment of our friendship, of high school, for me, was the day you told your little posse all my secrets, right fucking in front of me.”

Jin’s ears immediately turn red, his neck too, as he stares at Yoongi.

“What?” He asks.

“Don’t act like you didn’t do it, Jin. You did. I was there, I heard you, I saw you. You told your friends about me wetting the bed and sleeping next to my brother. You broke the trust of our friendship.”

“I,” Jin is speechless. He could deny it, or try very, very hard to, but what’s the point? Yoongi’s got him dead to rights, and he knows it. “I did do that. I did share those secrets.”

“Not going to deny it?” Yoongi mocks.

“Why? You saw me, you heard me. I did it.”

“You’re so fucking cavalier.”

“How do you want me to be, Yoongi? How do you want me to behave right now?”

“You don’t seem to get how much it ruined me and the rest of my high school experience… But what I still don’t understand, is why you did it.”

“Why I did it?” Jin asks.

“Yes, why? What did I do to deserve that from you?” Yoongi asks. He wants to give himself a medal for how he’s been maintaining his cool.

“I don’t know what your mother said to you, about me. But all my life, from the day you started walking before me, all I heard was why aren’t you as good as Yoongi? Everything I did… every day was a competition between you and me to be the best. It didn’t matter what it was, it didn’t matter if I struggled, I was always up against you,” Jin inhales slowly. “And I wasn’t, I never measured up.”

“So, you told all your friends my childhood secrets?”

“I – it wasn’t right Yoongi. I’m not saying it explains anything. And I’m sorry it’s had a lasting impact on you.”

“You’re, that’s it?” Yoongi asks.

“What do you want me to say? I snapped and it was shitty of me Yoongi, but it’s been a decade!”

“You ruined my friendships, Jin! Everyone knew the next day. Everyone fucking knew all my problems because you opened your big fucking mouth!” Yoongi’s voice has risen many decibels, louder and louder as his frustration brews.

“I’m sorry! I couldn’t, I couldn’t control them!”

“No, but you could control yourself. And you fucking didn’t.”

“I know, Yoongi. Can you try to understand the pressure I was under?”

“I’m sorry… are you saying that your inadequacies made you copy me, steal my thoughts and jokes and then blab my secrets to the whole school? Is that what you’re fucking saying to me?” He asks.

“No! I did a shitty thing. I did. I did it. And I’m fucking sorry.”

“For the record, my mom fucking compared me to you every day of my life. And it fucking sucked watching you go from my best friend to a pompous asshole who only cared about himself. Do you know what that was like?”

“I – you were going to leave me behind anyway, Yoongi.”

“So you decided to break up with me so slowly you thought I wouldn’t notice?”

“No, we were going our separate ways. Can you blame me for growing up?” Jin asks.

“Into an asshole? I’m not mad our friendship ended, I’m mad about how you treated me.”

“I didn’t mean to, Yoongi. I didn’t mean to at all.”

“But you did, and you never looked back.” Yoongi won’t cry, but he can feel the tears stinging his eyes.

“You stopped talking to me!” Seokjin yells.

“You humiliated me!” Yoongi yells back.

“You were better than me in every fucking way, Yoongi. I’m sorry I couldn’t measure up.”

“That’s not what this is about, Jin.”

“Oh, then what is it about? You wanted me to apologize, I have. Is that not enough for you?”

Yoongi stares at him as their tempers dampen, the frustration ebbing into sorrow. They had been best friends… so close… but now?

“I’m sorry,” Jin says again.

“I know you are. I appreciate that,” Yoongi says. It’s going to be difficult for him to be kind to Jin, but he is going to try.

“I didn’t, I didn’t mean to ruin our friendship, Yoongi. I didn’t know how to behave, or how to make friends besides you. So, I changed who I was because I couldn’t be associated with you all the time. I couldn’t keep being part of the duo, it was killing me, Yoongi.”

“How was my friendship killing you, besides our parents obviously pinning us against each other?” He asks.

“You’re Yoongi Min. You were everyone’s favorite. Every teacher adored you. You so easily got good grades and succeeded in clubs. Everyone wanted to be you, Yoongi. You were just too aloof to notice.”

“I don’t think that’s true. People fell at your feet, Jin.”

“They did, because of my face and the jokes I stole, not because they ever knew me. No one did, except you.”

Yoongi stares at him, because what a confession. He isn’t sure what to say next or if he should even believe it.

“I was an imposter, for years, Yoongi. That’s what got me through, pretending I was cool and popular. But you were cool without trying.”

“Have you been jealous of me the whole time?”

“I’m not jealous, Yoongi. I don’t want the life you have.”

Yoongi scoffs. “Rude.”

“I just mean, the fame, the depressive episodes, the self-doubt. I don’t want that. I love my life, I am in love with Violette and I love my job. But that’s because I went to a different college than you. One where I could reinvent myself.”

“So, ending our friendship propelled you into your new life?” Yoongi asks.

“Yes.”

“While it ruined me for a solid two years?”

“I – I guess.”

“Huh.”

“We both lived the same moment but experienced it completely differently.”

“And yet, we both burned because of it,” Yoongi says.

“That’s dramatic,” Jin comments.

“But it’s true, isn’t it?” Yoongi asks.

“I guess, in some ways it is.”

Yoongi lets the silence sit for a few minutes, trying to make sense of it all. Jin is sorry, though he doesn’t feel as sorry as Yoongi would have liked him to… but he can’t control that, only how he takes it in.

“I don’t really have anything else to say to you,” Yoongi says, eyeing Seokjin warily.

“Well, that’s good because I’ve been vulnerable enough with you. Are you coming to the party Saturday?” Jin asks as he stands and heads toward the door.

“Yeah, Y/N is making me.”

“Great, I will see you then, and not a moment sooner.”

Serendipity Publishing hosts a Halloween party every year – costumes optional. It’s the perfect release for authors, editors, and graphic designers to let go, eat too much candy and drink a little too much Witches Brew. It’s fun, even for you, who hates Halloween. This year, you, much like every other year, have refused to wear a costume. Yoongi has also opted for black pants and a black button down, keeping himself in the color story of Halloween without showing too much participation. He hates Halloween, not the lore of it, the commercialization and kids’ costumes and trick-or-treating. It would all be solved if parents just let their kids eat sweets and didn’t try to create unhealthy relationships with sugar.

The office is decorated for the occasion, a party planning committee having come in Friday afterwork and all day Saturday to transform the office into a haunted… well office. With black high tops covered in spider webs, a guess how many jar of candy corn, and food all shaped and themed for the occasion. Black streamers and twinkling lights hang from the ceiling and off the exposed beams, with classic literature characters dressed in Halloween costumes adding an extra pizzazz. The art department has always contributed some artwork for the party. Last year it was expertly carved pumpkin, the year before a display of horror books in the shape of a witch’s hat, carved and manipulated to reveal elements of the stories they contained.

Yoongi keeps his distance from you at the party, a request and agreement that you don’t love, but need to keep. You haven’t told him, but you’ve conversed with HR requesting a meeting and asking some preliminary questions regarding your situation. Hopefully they come back with good news, and hopefully it’ll mean taking your relationship public.

For tonight, you’re a seemingly free agent and Yoongi fucking hates it.

He hates how good you look in your black dress and witches hat. How your eyeliner is shimmering bronze against your latte skin. He hates how your lace tights increase the sensuality of your outfit, including the dip of the front of your dress. He hates that other people are milling about, talking to you, flirting with you, touching you.

Most of all, he hates that he doesn’t get to follow you around and listen as you introduce him as an author and your boyfriend. Because being called your boyfriend is what makes his heart sing just a little louder than it normally does. Which, frankly, is quite quiet.

“Yoongi, good to see you,” Jimin says sidling up to him.

“Jimin-ah, good to see you too,” He hugs his ex. “Where’s Jungkook?”

“Getting drinks. He might grab you one, if he sees us talking.”

“Great. I could use one, or three.”

“What’s got you so angsty?” Jimin asks. He’s dressed up like an angel, all white with a halo and extraordinary wings. He’s even put glittery eyeliner on, sweeping across his lids and up his temples. He looks heavenly.

“Y/N,” Yoongi says, eyes glancing to you.

“She’s still your secret?” He asks.

“I’m hers,” Yoongi corrects.

“Still worried about being good in bed?” Jimin teases.

“I knew I shouldn’t tell Hoseok or take his advice.”

Jimin laughs. “Why? Didn’t I calm your fears?”

“I mean, you were kind of helpful.”

“What, me telling you that you were good in bed wasn’t enough? Are you still worried?” Jimin asks.

“No, I’m not still worried,” Yoongi rolls his eyes as he blushes.

“Oh, so you’ve sealed the deal? Damn Yoongi, look at you go. Fucking like a man.”

“Don’t talk about my sex life with her like that.”

“Is it sacred?” Jimin asks.

“It is, yeah, it is.”

“Like ours was?”

“Jimin, we were in love,” Yoongi says, eyes softening at his ex. “We dated for two years and then we broke up, amicably.”

“Yoongi, I’m just giving you shit.”

“How’s Jungkook?” Yoongi asks.

“In bed?”

“If he fucks as good as he looks, I don’t think you need to explain anything,” Yoongi smirks as he glances at the man walking towards them.

“That’s fair. And true. He’s good, you know after we broke up, I didn’t really think I’d date for a while. But then Jungkook happened, and Jungkook cannot be ignored.”

“You love him, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jimin smiles as Jungkook finally approaches with three drinks in his massive hands. “Do you love her?”

Yoongi glances back to where you were, and still are, but instead of that nice lady from marketing, it’s a chiseled man dressed as Wesley from The Princess Bride who is leaning awfully close. And Yoongi knows all too well what it means when someone leans… wanting, anticipating… That’s exactly what this man seems to be doing.

You can feel Yoongi’s gaze on you – how could you not? He’s staring so aggressively, no matter where he moves in the room, he’s always watching you. It’s kind of hot, a psychosexual game that you get to play. You wish you can be near him, holding his hand, staying close to him, but you can’t. Not yet anyway, next Halloween party you can wear matching outfits and hold hands and be cutesy. But not this year.

The car ride back to your house is tense, Yoongi not speaking or looking at you, the silence becoming so overbearing you want to scream.

“Yoongi, why are you so mad?” You ask as you step into your house. He follows behind you, shuffling his feet and making small sounds of annoyance as he does.

“I’m not.”

“You are too, and you’re acting like a mad child. Can we talk about it?” You kick off your heels and start filling a glass with cold water, which you down quickly before pouring another one.

“Talk about what, how he looked like he was going to take you home?” He asks.

“Yoongi, he was not. He was just being friendly. I didn’t even talk to him for more than five minutes!”

“Did you even know him?” Yoongi snarls, the freeing nature of his anger flowing from him.

“Of course, I know him. His name is John and he works in legal. We have several meetings a month together and he has never once made a pass at me. Is that what you want to know?” You ask.

“Yes.”

“Good, now can you tell me what about that really pissed you off?”

He rolls his eyes. “It felt like we were in some weird open relationship, and you were off dating other people.”

“I’m not dating other people, you know that,” You remind him.

“Maybe if we didn’t keep hiding, I wouldn’t feel like you are.”

“Yoongi,” You say.

“What if I don’t want to be your secret?” He asks.

You clench your jaw, grinding your teeth for a moment before speaking again.

“I’m not having this fight with you Yoongi.” You snap, staring at him with what seems like contempt.

“And why not?” He asks. “Are my feelings not valid?”

“Because it’s stupid! You’re being immature and an asshole,” You say.

“Maybe I’m feeling insecure and need reassurance,” He argues.

“Maybe you do, but you’re enough of an adult to know to ask for it instead of being a dick.” You say, noting how harsh it sounds when it leaves your lips. Too harsh, like you’re being too mean and aggressive towards him.

It hangs in the air, your anger dissipating as you stare at how sad he looks. Does he really think you would step out on him? In front of him?

“I’m sorry. I saw you with him and I just -

“What does he have to do with it? He’s married!”

“Oh!” Yoongi feels partially embarrassed, how could he have missed that fact?

“Whatever this is, this jealousy, you need to handle it because that was a work event, and at work events I am your publisher. I’m not your girlfriend or your lover or something more. We work together.”

“No - for fucks sake!” He exclaims, the anger you once held flowing freely to him. “We sleep together! We do more than that, this is more than that, and you acted like I wasn’t in the room while that guy fawned all over you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“For behaving in a way that made you think you weren’t, and aren’t, at the front of my mind. You are, always. I didn’t mean to twist your feelings up in a fucking webbed mess,” You apologize and sit at the counter, head in your hands. “I didn’t mean to demean your fears it’s just… I want us to be together in all those situations. But for now, we can’t and that’s fucking hard.”

“My heart felt like it was a fucking mess, but my head tried to steer it in the right direction.” He explains.

“Well, that doesn’t explain why I’m behaving like a bitch right now,” You mutter.

“You’re not –

“I am, being awful to you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That’s not enough, but I am.”

“It is enough,” He says, taking his hand from yours to drape it around your shoulders. He kisses your temple, holding you close.

“Are your feelings still webbed?” You ask.

“Every one of my feelings for you is in a tangled mess,” Yoongi sighs.

“So are mine.”

He nods and kisses you again. “Mine are a good mess, though. Not like an existential wondering what our relationship is, kind of mess. I think I know what our relationship is.”

“But you still got jealous?” You ask him.

“I’m only human,” Yoongi says.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

“Is this our first big fight?” You ask.

“I think so… we fought about being together, but you agreed to be my girlfriend.”

“It was a good decision, agreeing to be together.” You hold out your free hand, and he takes it in his. He gives it a gentle squeeze, then brings the back of it to his lips and kisses it gently.

“You think?” He whispers.

“Yes, I know.”

“I haven’t driven you crazy yet?” Yoongi asks.

“I’m a little worried about you, and the whole living and working out of your bed thing, but other than that,” You confide.

“Other than that one major obstacle,” He says.

“You make me happy, and I think I’m having very big, scary feelings about you,” You say, and you mimic his earlier gesture, bringing the back of his palm to your lips.

“Me too, about the feelings. You don’t really worry me, except tonight.” He says.

You pull back, staring at him. “You didn’t really think I would cheat, or pick someone else, did you?”

“No, not really,” Yoongi says.

“Good, because I would never.”

“Just,” He starts.

“What?” You ask, tilting your head to the side to get a better look at his soft gaze.

“If he’s got a wife, why was he leaning like that?”

“Oh my god, how many times have you seen While You Were Sleeping to have that memorized?”

“Clearly enough.”

“He was leaning? It was loud! Monster Mash was playing almost on repeat, he might’ve just had a hard time hearing me,” You’re finding this all so comical.

“I don’t think he had a hard time hearing. You look sexy, and you’re wearing that perfume… I would lean.”

“You would lean?” You laugh, unabashedly, freely, at how fucking adorable your boyfriend is.

“Honey, I always lean when you’re around.”

“I like you,” You say smiling, leaning a little closer so your lips nearly touch.

“I like you too,” Yoongi says, and he closes the gap.

Next: The Littlest Dumpling {9}

#justasparkwritings #justasparkmaster #the littlest dumpling #min yoongi #houseofddaeng #purplearmynet #bangtanarmynet #networkbangtan #kpopccc #OT7 series #BTS series #Min yoongi x reader #Min Yoongi x you #lil king yoongi

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nevertheless-moving · 4 years ago

Text

Suicidal Misunderstanding X

Star Wars Time Travel AU #27

Part I - - - - - Part II - - - - - Part III - - - - - Part IV - - - - - Part V - - - - - Part VI - - - - - Part VII - - - - - Part VIII - - - - - Part IX

“I realize this is incredibly difficult,” the Nautolan Soul Healer said calmly. “But in order for us to help Obi-Wan, we need to determine the cause of his current disconnection with reality. Based on the drug panel, and convenient surveillance, we have, to the best of our ability, ruled out temporary psychosis brought on by a drug interaction.”

Cody stiffened further, not sure how to react to anything anymore. When a brother tried to end his own life, it was usually obvious why.

Sife Aerdo continued on. “There have, of course, been cases of Jedi Seers giveing into their fears of the future, or losing their sense of reality, but every case study involving such an extreme reaction was the result a gradual degradation over the course of many years. Nevertheless, it seems clear that Obi-Wan experienced a vision, and it may have impacted his breakdown to some extent. The more we know, the more successful any attempts to convince him of reality will be.”

Bant furrowed her brow in thought, trying to replay three decades of increasingly vague discussions of nightmares.

”Considering the high profile nature of his position, we cannot rule out some kind of psychological attack, perhaps even a darksider incursion.

Anakin leaned forward intently, the inside of his skull buzzing with white noise.

"All that being said, we must be prepared to treat Obi-Wan’s self harm as the culmination of a long and quiet mental health struggle. He would not be the first in the Order to disguise such a thing with durasteel self-discipline.”

At that, Bant and Mace took a moment to release their feelings to the force, while Anakin raised his shields defensively.

Master Aerdo finally hesitated, before continuing in the same smooth tone. “I would ordinarily prefer to structure this kind of conversation quite differently- allow Obi-Wan time to share his feelings first and invite you each separately to support him in the healing process. But he’s gone from fighting sedatives and force compulsions as though the fate of the galaxy depended on it, to a self-induced coma. All while barely lucid, yet still somehow maintaining Master Class mental shielding. We need to get a better understanding of his mental landscape if we’re going to even begin the process of treatment."

It is necessary to note that everyone in that room had led, in one way or another, a somewhat miserable life. This was the main reason none of them could claim that the next five hours were the worst they had ever experienced.

“But he’s always had terrible sleeping habits.” Anakin said hoarsely.

“Yes, but I think they got worse after Qui-Gon passed,” Bant argued, not sure what point she was making.

“When I pointed out he couldn’t be getting more than three hours a night he told me that he could manage on meditation” Cody offered irritably.

“That’s technically true,” Mace confirmed. “If the Master in question is well-balanced otherwise”

“So its like his eating habits, crushing responsibilities, and repeated exposure to violence, then? Completely fine for a Jedi, in less it’s not, in which case it’s a major red flag?”

“I think it would help to establish a timeline.“

Aerdo actually dredged up old mission reports, leading to the group reluctantly contacting Ashoka for her memories of Mortis.

At her Master’s insistence, she told them everything she remembered, hazy as it was, nervously elaborating on her own memories of falling. To her confusion, Master Windu all but brushed past that, assuring her that the important thing with stepping into darkness was the choice to the return to the light. Anakin bizarrely agreed with Windu. Out loud. Unnerved by the cooperation more than anything, she put her holographic foot down and demanded to know what was going on.

Anakin took the comm-link into a separate room to speak privately.

Upon return, he informed the group (with a visibly red and puffy face) that Kit would be escorting her back from Mount Cala cleanup early, daring anyone to disagree. Windu nodded and the conversation continued on.

Together they rewatched holo-footage of Obi-Wan laughing amongst Ghost company the night before last, and debated reports from psychometric investigators who had scoured the cantina as well as Obi-Wan’s personal quarters for traces of illicit substances. Between that and another drug panel, they were finally forced to conclude that despite the timing, the alcohol at most confused Obi-Wan’s perception of a vision, or possibly simply loosened his tongue.

Bant prodded Cody to repeat every word from the holocar ride to the temple, taking furious notes. Cody was unable to stop the heat that crawled up his face.

Just when the looming horror of Obi-Wan actually preparing to intentionally die started to break over Anakin, Windu interjected.

“You don’t see what I do,” the Harun Kal said grimly. “Something galaxy-sized shattered around Obi-Wan and he didn’t break from it. The closest comparison I have is Master Yaddle’s presence when she meditated on her confinement. He’s chosen to keep going, even when, quite frankly, death would be a release. We’re missing something fundamental.”

“He said there were ‘other dark forces at work.’ Even if the fight was objectively hopeless... there’s no way he would choose to die because of it!” Anakin agreed vehemently, shaking off morbid fears.

“But he did choose to die.” Cody said quietly. And the wind went out of Anakin’s sails.

“Lets go back.”

Anakin gritted his teeth as they picked apart everything ‘unusual’ Obi-Wan had said and done leading up to his visit with Bant.

“What exactly did he...”

“So Plo Koon was able to get a read through his shields?”

“Did he have anything to eat?”

“How did that compare to...”

“When he's mentioned things in the future...did it seem good or bad to you?” Bant asked.

“Bad.” Cody and Anakin said in unison. Remembering the trip to the temple Cody spoke again, “Definitely bad.”

“Right. When we were talking he sometimes used the wrong tenses for things, people. I confronted him on not knowing ‘when’ he was after Knight Skywalker left. He told me that he knew what was real, but he was “enjoying not fully living in the moment” he also said that he intended to “wake up”

“Enjoying? That’s the exact word he used?” Cody asked incredulous.

“He did seem...mostly happy yesterday. Giddy, at points.” Anakin said, slumping in on himself.

Bant looked at her notes once more before addressing the group.

“This isn’t vision psychosis in any manner I’ve heard of before...but I think I might have a theory. He used to have intense visions when we were kids; plenty of us did sometimes, but Obi-Wan would be unable to sleep after. What terrified him more than anything was the uncertainty that he might make the wrong choice- even when the vision was about something good, or neutral. His visions gradually stopped coming around puberty. We just had a conversation about this a few months ago- how relieved he was to only have to manage flashes of precognition. If he had a random, horrifying vision of a terrible future...suicide wouldn’t be his reaction. It’s too final.”

“Even if he blamed himself for what he saw coming?” Mace asked.

“Especially if he blamed himself.” Bant said.

“What’s your theory?” Aerdo prodded.

“What if...what if he was telling the truth when he said he could separate out what was real and what was not? What if there was no distortion or blurring between now and then? What if he was just wrong about which was which?”

“That...would be a very extreme and abnormal manifestation of force-induced psychosis. He has training in distinguishing reality from visions. The continued presence of his mental shielding means that the fabric of his mind can’t be so horrifically collapsed in on itself.”

“What if the vision was actually that realistic?” Bant said, pushing back against the soul healer. “So detailed and vivid that it effectively was a reality in itself, and everything else, all of us...”

“Were just memories” Anakin finished. “It would...actually explain pretty much everything. You said he wanted to wake up and when...when I found him.” He stopped, swallowing. “When I found him, he argued with me...what if he wasn’t trying to hurt himself? If you’re right...that would mean I found him trying to get back to reality.”

“It could explain his behavior in the halls...his desperation to wake...” Sife mused “But it runs counter to every other experience I’ve had with those managing prophetic visions. Master Windu, could that explain the shatterpoints you saw?”

“I’m not certain. It would have to have been extraordinarily real to create the echos of Shattering I witnessed. I don’t know if that depth of vision has occurred before, but then again, many things are possible in the force.”

“You really think he might have been...trying to wake up from dream? By killing himself?!” Cody asked incredulous.

“If that ends up being what happened I am going to give him such shit. That is the worst way to end a vision.” Anakin replied.

“Yes. It is.” Bant said pointedly. “That’s why it’s a last resort, after every other attempt to wake fails.”

They all sat in silence, processing various implications. Cody was unnerved by another terrifying insight into force powers, as well as the idea that the General might vividly remember Cody being inexplicably mind-controlled into trying to kill him. Anakin was trying to understand what this would mean for them, and the conversations he had thought they had had. Did...any of it count, if he thought he was offering it to a hallucination?

“Alright, this is a valuable working idea, but let’s make sure to examine everything with an open mind before we draw any more conclusions. Anakin, what happened after you left the healers office?”

Obi-Wan’s critique of the practicalities of visiting a soul healer could be and was interpreted multiple ways. The incongruity of peacekeepers in war sparked a rehash of earlier discussion. More apologies. Self identifying as ‘crazy’ inspired new debate, especially in the context of the new theory.

“When I saw him enter the fountain room I assumed he had had a brutal run-in with dark force user.” Windu explained. “Based on everything we’ve gone over, I don’t understand when...but some of the more insidious sith compulsions work by taking whatever small anger or hurt you feel and magnifying them until they consume you. If Obi-Wan was already experiencing self loathing...”

Cody sucked in a breath. “Then a Sith mind suggestion would bring him to commit suicide. It...sounds like something he might do, if he was partially in control. Take the blow rather than let himself be used as a weapon against anyone else, even his worst enemy.”

“Hells, it could have been an even vaguer compulsion, driving him to attack the person he hates the most,” Bant added darkly.

Anakin buried his head in his hands, trying to hold it together. He couldn’t afford to lose control or get angry. Hells, getting angry at Obi-Wan for ‘failing him’ when in pain could be the reason Obi-Wan was currently in the healing halls. The man said he loved him unconditionally, then practically had a breakdown over how much Anakin pushed that unconditional love to the breaking point, then killed himself. How was he supposed to-

“Anakin? Are you alright to continue?” someone said.

“Yes. No. There’s more I have to tell you...I don’t know if it will help but - it was hurting Obi-Wan...I...”

“Let’s just take it one step at a time. What happened after you left Mace?”

Apparently even Cody somehow knew more about Bruck Chun than Anakin. Master Windu and Eerin told different sides of the same sad story, which spiraled back into a conversation about Obi-Wan’s inadequacy issues, which somehow devolved into a long rant about Qui-Gon Jinn that Master Windu had apparently been holding back for years.

“My apologies.” He said afterwards, clearing his throat as the group stared, taken aback. “Old grievances. Go on Anakin, what did happened after you got to the ‘secret spot.’”

“He...was skirting around whatever was bothering him...I pushed him...told him I wanted to help...he said I couldn’t...because it was me...because of what I...”

Anakin stood up suddenly, feeling the walls of the room closing in.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry I-”

He ran out.

He turned around almost immediately, pacing in the small corridor, knowing he couldn’t leave, simply needing a minute to catch his breath.

Master Windu followed him out after a moment, not saying anything, just standing there. Watching him.

“What!” Anakin finally snapped. “What do you have to say that I don’t know already!”

“Knight Skywalker-”

“Don’t call me that! I DON’T DESERVE-”

Anakin let out a frustrated snarl, punching a wall. The crumble of stone beneath this fist briefly made him feel better, but then he remembered Obi-Wan’s heartbroken expression in the light of an underworldly glow, and the tiny, choked sound he heard when the healers moved him and Anakin just...collapsed, falling to his knees.

Master Windu sank down gracefully beside him.

“Anakin. This isn’t about attachment issues, is it.”

“Not really, no. I mean, maybe you’ll blame attachment but it’s more about...”

“Anger.”

Anakin looked up at that, trying to regain the meditative calm he had felt for a glimmering moment yesterday, right in-between making peace in the cave and everything burning to ash.

“You know that I have had my own struggles with anger. It is how and why I came to develop Vaapad.”

“Yes, but you’ve Mastered your anger. And you’ve never...never given in to hate.”

A beat passed and Windu watched some of Skywalker’s familiar breaking points flicker into view.

“You’ve done something. Something you know the Jedi won’t forgive.”

“Obi-Wan forgave me.” Anakin said, whispering. “He said that even though I couldn’t fix what I did he loved me anyway and I just needed to...to honestly regret what I did and not do it again. I told him I’d get rid of my lightsaber and I meant it and...I thought he forgave me. I was ready to go to the Council with him, come clean about everything. And then I left him alone to get dinner and when I came back...he was holding my lightsaber. My lightsaber.”

Anakin buried his face in his hands, shuddering with creeping cold.

“I’m not going to critique your and Obi-Wan’s attachment to each other right now. I’m well aware that much of the order has turned to personal ties to maintain their stability given the ongoing horrors of war. I am, for many reasons, wary of the risks this brings us, yet it is also true that risks do not automatically mean failure. I myself have mastered my emotions in a different manner than conventional wisdom councils.”

Windu spoke carefully. For all that he and Anakin had similar relationships with the force, they rarely saw eye to eye on any given subject. At a certain point, Mace had accepted that the volatile young man was determined to find the worst possible interpretation for anything he said. And Mace was not the order’s most patient diplomat.

“As for your crime, whatever it is, l will tell you this: Unless you choose to renounce the code and leave our number, you will be treated as a Jedi Knight, subject to our protections, as well as our judgement. You will receive appropriate mental counseling. If you are judged to be a danger to those around you, your actions will be curtailed and monitored, possibly through temporary confinement. The Jedi do not believe in punitive measures for their own sake, but you may be required to provide restitution to those you harmed, perhaps indefinitely.

Silence hung perilously between them. Windu watched a tremor run through the unfathomable kaleidoscopic of shatterpoints that had orbited Skywalker since he was a boy. A small one broke inward, and an attached tangle of larger, darker ones fell away, crumbling to dust. The rest faded from view, invisible for the moment. A choice had been made, some decision that closed off at least one path to the darkside.

“There’s no one to make restitutions to.”

“...You’re going to have to elaborate on that.”

“Let’s go back inside- I don’t want to do this twice.”

They returned to the increasingly hated meeting room.

Anakin spoke in an outpouring of words about love and hate, about misplaced revenge and now uncertain forgiveness. When he finally finished, the room was deathly silent.

The three Jedi sat quietly while Cody pinched the bridge of his nose. “I guess this is why Jedi have the no attachment rule, huh? I admit I never really got it, but I suppose even if I-”

Bant abruptly lunged up, fumbling to bring her lightsaber to Anakin’s neck. Everyone jumped to their feet, except for Anakin, who stared at Bant with a wretched expression.

“MASTER EERIN! This is not-”

“Did you do it?” she asked, ignoring the Master of the Order.

“Bant!”

“It was my first thought after I saw him. We all rushed in expecting a fight, or a bomb, only to find you, insane, and him with a hole next to his heart. I didn’t want to believe it of course, but you’ve always had a violent streak that Obi-Wan, force help him, couldn’t quite soothe away. A fight gone wrong. Master Windu said it was suicide, and I believed him, and I’ve been trying to make sense of that ever since. But Mace found you after, didn’t he? After you felt guilty? Did you think he was going to turn on you?”

“Bant Eerin, you are dangerously-”

“No.” Anakin whispered.

“Obviously I might be why. But I didn’t- I couldn’t. I know I’m not good but I can’t even imagine- holding a saber against him like that. Kriff, do you not get how much I can’t handle losing people I love? I was insane when you saw me because I saw someone trying to kill Obi-Wan and I couldn’t even fight them.”

Bant held his gaze for several lingering seconds, deactivated her saber and dropping it with a clatter. They stared at each other, breathing heavily and not blinking. She returned to her seat, moving jerkily. “I apologize Knight Skywalker. That was uncalled for.”

“I wish I could say I wouldn’t have done the same thing in your shoes” he responded lowly. Bant made a tiny, unintelligible noise in reply.

Cody collapsed back into his chair, holstering his blaster. “Alright then...so after you finished sitting in the fountain room...what happened next?”

Everyone stared at him.

“What?”

“You’re handling Anakin’s confession somewhat dispassionately. We’re simply surprised.” Mace said slowly, returning to his seat at the same time as Master Aerdo fell into theirs.

Cody shifted uncomfortably. “The vod were trained in a wide range of enemy suppression tactics. While we’re extremely glad the Jedi have never asked us to employ them, I’m not...unfamiliar with this scale of deliberate slaughter. At least in the hypothetical, sir.”

“I see.” Aerdo said. “That is a valuable insight to have, thank you. Knight Skywalker-”

“Just...call me Anakin. Or Skywalker.”

“Anakin. When did this happen?”

“About two years ago, immediately before the First Battle of Geonosis.”

“And have you had any similar experiences with giving into the darkside since?” they asked placidly.

“I don’t think so but...we went to war the next day and....I don’t know if I’ve stopped fighting since it- since I did what I did.”

“Hmm. Anakin, would you mind stepping outside the room and waiting in the corridor for a moment please?”

He bit his tongue, tasting blood, and quietly walked out the door while the Masters decided his fate. He leaned back against a wall, desperately wanting to see Padme.

To his surprise, the door opened barely a few minutes later, and he was politely invited back in.

“Anakin.” Master Windu spoke. “Thank you for telling us this. It’s an important insight into Obi-Wan’s feelings right now, and I recognize that you could have kept it a secret. As Head of the Order, and with the advice of a Senior Soul Healer, I have made a decision. You will be assigned a personal soul healer, who you will start seeing tomorrow. Commander Cody pointed out that over nearly two years of continuous warfare, you have maintained some of the the lowest trooper casualty units of any division, by a significant margin if we evaluate based on mission risk level. Your civilian and enemy casualties will be reviewed, but even considering constant war, since your massacre of the Tuskens, you have clearly managed to at least... direct your violence away from the innocent. We do not consider you a threat to the inhabitants of the world. For the time being, I see no real benefit to limiting or tracking your behavior within the temple or on planet, but you are barred from leaving orbit. I have decided to delay a full reckoning before the council until such time that your former Master is well enough to provide his own opinion. Give me just cause, and I will have you confined to a force-suppressing cell. Do you understand?”

Anakin nodded, bowing in acknowledgment. All things considered, it was...honestly better than he expected.

“Now, as Cody” Windu paused. “My apologies, as the Commander was saying-”

“Cody’s fine, sir” Cody said, wrung out in a way different from anything Kamino had trained him for.

“...I think we can all consider ourselves on a first name basis at this point.” Bant said with a snort. She paused. “That includes you Anakin. I really don’t know how to handle what you did but kark it, I don’t want to hate you. For myself.”

Everyone nodded.

“As Cody was saying, what happened next?”

Peace. Comfort. Hunger. A warning in the force...

“I tried to pull the saber back but his finger was already on the igniter...”

“You probably saved his life. Even a second later-”

“I know, that’s almost the worst part.”

“-his neck”

“Why would he change weapons?”

“What if-”

“He said what to you and Healer Che?”

“That has to support the detailed vision idea, think about-”

“I’m sorry, Emperor?”

“I think we’re done.”

Anakin stared blankly at Sife. “But we didn’t figure anything out.”

“Not conclusively, but we’re unlikely to make any more progress, you’ve given me enough information to preform a meaningful meditative scan, or guide a conversation, should Obi-Wan wake, or navigate through his mind, should we decide to make a more decisive attempt at his shields.”

“Master Aerdo... I leave the final judgement up to you, but I strongly urge you to make a more decisive attempt. I am more convinced now than I was...” Mace glanced at the chronometer “five hours ago that this was motivated by a specific, external stimuli, likely dark. Do you disagree?”

“No.” they said with a sigh. “But I don’t want to underestimate how much underlying factors might have contributed to his response to stimuli, including underlying factors that none of you were aware of.”

The Nautolan Soul Healer stood up, tucking their hands into their sleeves to address the room with classical Jedi serenity. It was a little irritating.

“In any case, we all need to sleep, eat, and meditate. Master Eerin, you have the rest of the day off, I've cleared it with Master Che already. Master Windu, I leave the final judgement up to you, and I am aware that your duties as Master of the Order are unceasing, but I urge you to take some time to center yourself before returning to the council. Commander Cody, I would be more than willing to arrange soul healing for you or any of the Vod, please let me know. Anakin, you will receive a comm later today with further details on your future healing sessions.

They bowed low, then glided out the door.

Bant stood next, bowed individually to each soul, and sped walked out.

Commander Cody cleared his throat awkwardly, “Mace- what should I tell the troops? We’re supposed to have command briefings later tonight.”

“If anyone asks about General Kenobi, tell them its classified.” I’ll schedule a briefing on the subject. Now go find Captain Rex and take care of yourself, that’s an order.”

Cody saluted, first to the high General, then to Anakin.

Finally it was just Mace and Anakin.

“Is there anyone who you trust who I can call to stay with you.” Master Windu asked.

“I can manage on my own” Anakin replied, not willing to give the Master of the Order anything else he could use against him, even after everything.

Master Windu held back a sigh.

He continued once more, making a deliberate attempt to soften his tone. “Anakin- I know we’ve had our differences, but this is not a trick, nor a trap. You’ve suffered a series of great shocks in the last 24 hours and handled them with immense maturity. I myself am struggling to deal with the emotional fallout.”

Anakin looked up at that, surprised. He didn’t seem to be struggling, but maybe that was what made him a good Jedi Master...

“As I told you before, I am not going to begrudge you the comfort of attachment. I’m rather convinced it would do you more harm than good at this point. I don’t want you flying right now, and you don’t have to be alone. I hope we have come to a better understanding today, but I doubt my presence is suddenly a comfort, though please correct me if I’m wrong. Now is there someone I can call?”

Padme ended her call with Master Windu extremely discomfited. She had barely heard from Anakin since he ran out on her the night before last to take care of an apparently extremely drunk Obi-Wan. He had messaged her a few times that night, promising to make it up to her, but had been comm-silent since. She had been starting to get worried, and now the Master of the Order was asking her to pick him up from the temple. Fortunately, she had already cleared most of her meetings for the week well in advance (Courascant leave usually meant THEM time, not that she was jealous of Obi-Wan, of course).

The speeder ride back from the temple was silent. All Anakin would say was that he would explain everything once they were in ‘a secure location.’

The door to the apartment had scarcely closed behind them when Anakin fell into her arms, shaking.

“Anakin, talk to me love, what’s wrong?” She gently guided him to the couch, arranging him so she could hold him protectively.

“Obi-Wan tried to kill himself.”

She let out a harsh gasp, “No! He can’t have, he would never-”

“I got to him in time, but Padme... he was holding a lightsaber to his heart. It was...really close” He burrowed deeper into the folds of her dress, and she gripped him fiercely.

“Oh gods, is he-”

“He’s physically healing, but he’s still...not all there. I spent all of today locked in a room, trying to figure out if it was a Sith Attack, or an insane vision, or..or me”

“Anakin! What do you mean ‘me’ - Obi-Wan loves you, you-”

“I know.” Anakin interrupted her again, knowing he was being unfair; he was just too exhausted to be patient.

“He told me loved me. He...he...found out about what I did to the Tusken village, You should have seen his face, Padme, he was horrified, but he still told me he loved me, and he was willing to forgive me, even though he shouldn’t”

“Of course he forgave you,” Padme whispered. “You’re not a monster, Anakin, I know you would never do something like that again.”

"And then after we talked, I left him alone and he-” Anakin choked out into her dress.

Tears ran down her face, heart breaking. “That’s- that’s horrible. Anakin...it must have have been a attack, Obi-Wan wouldn’t do that.” she said urgently.

He pulled away, horrified. “I made you cry. I made Obi-Wan cry too. I’m sorry- Padme please, promise me you won’t-”

She grabbed the sides of his head.

Her nails bit into the soft skin behind his ears as she pulled him down so they were face-to-face, vowing, “Never. I swear by the force itself, I will never choose death over life.”

He let out a relieved sigh, eyes fluttering closed.

“Now you,” she demanded

“As long as I have anyone to live for, I swear by the force, I will never choose death over life.”

She pulled him the rest of the way in for a bruising kiss. He lifted her, and they desperately clung at one another as he carried her to bed. They continued like that, clinging and grasping, until exhaustion carried him to sleep. She pulled the covers over top them both and curled around him defensively as the day slowly faded away.

Part XI

#star wars #my au #suicidal misunderstanding au #prequel trilogy #potentially triggering #discussions of suicide #references to self-harm #star wars au #bonding? between #Mace Windu and Anakin Skywalker #? in my #hurt/comfort fic #? It’s more likely than you’d think #also I struggle with fix it stories that just never address the big tusken elephant in the room? of course i want everyone to #live happily ever but theres a certain scale of atrocity that i feel u gotta address 2 get there #ugh this chapter got reallly long and im just gonna post it ok? ok.#meh #a lot of this fic is just people mentally going What The Fuck at various registers with different inflections #Because that’s not an inappropriate response to time travel in general! and star wars canon in particular.#star wars au no 27

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