#hopefully yes I PRAY
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Guys.... I just did the most fanficcy thing😭
I am quite literally about to confess my crush on someone and ask them out with a scavenger hunt at school. OMYLORD. IDK HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THIS. I'M SCARED.
#don't worry guys I'll tell y'all if they say yes or no#hopefully yes I PRAY#fanfiction#nah is this my y/n moment?#wattpad#ao3#archive of our own#I'm scareddd#ugh crushes are so weird and this is like my first#I'm greyro/demiro/something😭#greyromantic#demiromantic#asexual#aspec#arospec#ugh dame butterflies#how do you allos cope with this???#HOW??!?!#lol irl tori spring and michael holden?????#maybeeeeeee#solitaire#tori spring#michael holden#tori x michael#sprolden#I'm tori btw if you're curios#I can't believe I asked for a michael holden and it migjt have just worked😭#lols#I wonder if I'll be smiling and blushing like crazy or crying and mopping in about a few days#only God knows tbh
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why did laurent start dating / having sex with maxime, even before nicaise found out? maybe this is something we find out in ch. 20, but throughout hiuh i’ve really struggled to understand or empathize with laurent in this area. you’ve mentioned him being self-destructive, or how it was good for his ego to bring a date in front of damen. but why did he feel the need to throw it in damen’s face when damen was the one who got dumped? why would he let maxime call him baby and walk all over his boundaries when this guy is a total stranger? i know some people have speculated that maxime is a uncle-stand in, but to me that doesn’t parallel bc there the abuse happened because laurent did (unfortunately) love and trust his uncle at the beginning, which enabled his uncle to abuse him. i’m honestly really trying to see where this sexual self-harm aspect of laurent comes from when it’s with a complete stranger who doesn’t seem to like laurent as a person or give him any real affection. he said sex was the foundation of their relationship, which seems odd for an ascetic person like laurent who even in hiuh canon doesn’t seem to have engaged in that kind of relationship before dating damen, when he was in a way worse physical and emotional state, unless i’m wrong.
i really, really hope this doesn’t come off as criticizing or accusatory in any way — it is your story and you can characterize laurent any way you want! to me it’s felt like this is the one area so far where laurent has been extremely defensive and refuses to take responsibility, even though it really hurt damen — not just being jealous, but being compared to maxime over and over again by laurent’s friends and implicitly by laurent himself — not to mention how it hurt nicaise. yes, damen had flings, but he didn’t try to replace laurent after two months or ever shove it in laurent’s face. and yet it feels like damen over-apologizes for ever asking about maxime or suggesting laurent’s behavior was harmful. i don’t see how damen could get over this massive insecurity when laurent appears to ridicule or dismiss him for bringing it up, like with the condom conversation or the pet name issue.
feel free to ignore this message, but always appreciate hearing why you chose a particular characterization!
hello! i get this question every once in a while so i thought i'd answer it today since we're about to be done with the story. i didn't take it as an attack or anything and it's a very cool question!
but why did he feel the need to throw it in damen’s face when damen was the one who got dumped?
in a way, reading your ask, i think you answered some of these things yourself. why did he bring maxime to a bunch of events knowing damen would be there? because he wanted the upper hand, he wanted to be seen as having moved on (remember that he thinks damen has moved on, too), because it's an ego thing. but why do it if he was the one who dumped damen? same answers, but i'd add that it's implied in the story that laurent was surprised and hurt by how easily damen went along with the break up. laurent brings it up, says he can't do it anymore, and damen just goes to work and never comes back. once again, in a toxic and insecure way, there was a part of laurent that wanted damen to fight for it, to say "wait, let's turn things around" or something. obviously, that didn't happen, and laurent interpreted that as confirmation of a lot of negative thoughts he was already dealing with (damen wants out of this but he doesn't know how to do it, damen's too "nice" to say that he wants out, damen is looking for excuses to start arguments bc he's trying to get me to end this, etc.)
this is not me justifying laurent in any way. was it childish and immature to bring maxime to events bc he knew damen would be there and he wanted, along with all the reasons listed above, to make damen jealous? yes, probably. is it petty? yes. is it ooc? i don't know. i think laurent does exhibit some pettiness in the books.
why would he let maxime call him baby and walk all over his boundaries when this guy is a total stranger? i know some people have speculated that maxime is a uncle-stand in, but to me that doesn’t parallel bc there the abuse happened because laurent did (unfortunately) love and trust his uncle at the beginning, which enabled his uncle to abuse him. i’m honestly really trying to see where this sexual self-harm aspect of laurent comes from when it’s with a complete stranger who doesn’t seem to like laurent as a person or give him any real affection.
this part of the question is a bit more complicated for me to explain. i 100% agree with people's complaints that in this aspect hiuh laurent is ooc (compared to canon laurent). in the books, he doesn't sleep with anyone but damen, so everything regarding laurent/other men is always going to be ooc in some way (unless it's non con, i suppose).
maxime has to be a stranger. maxime has to be someone laurent doesn't care about, doesn't value, doesn't respect. it would never work between them if maxime was not a stranger, which is ultimately what happens in the fic (let's, for a second, ignore the fact that they also don't work out bc lamen are in love lol). when maxime wants more, laurent cuts him out.
why does he have to be a stranger? because hiuh laurent's biggest issue in this story is that he can't be vulnerable enough to be loved and accept that love. he loved damen, but he couldn't get to a level of vulnerability that allowed him to explain himself, to show himself to damen as he really is, and without that a relationship can't last. when you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself from the person you love, eventually that turns into resentment and anger and hurt.
when he starts sleeping with maxime, he's not looking for another boyfriend. he's not looking for love. he's not sleeping with maxime because he's too horny to function either. he lets maxime fuck him because there is something to prove. and here I have to apologize because to me this detail was so clear during my writing process that I'm only now realizing I did not do a good enough job of integrating it EXPLICITLY into the story. what is there to prove? laurent has only ever slept with two people in his life and only damen was a pleasurable, consensual situation. so, here's the setting: laurent and damen break up, they go no contact, months pass, laurent is STRUGGLING (nicaise mentions this time and time and time again in the fic), laurent has no way of knowing that damen is also miserable, laurent has no way of knowing that damen hasn't moved on (damen is, actually, at this point in time, fucking other people). laurent isn't looking for love or dates or romance, but then maxime shows up and he gives laurent an opportunity to prove to himself several things:
he has effectively moved on from damen (in his mind, having sex with other people = the ultimate 'i'm done with damen" move)
he is in control. he has only had consensual sex with one person in his life, which gives damen symbolic power over him in a weird, fucked up way. or... maybe the word isn't power, but status. damen has a status in laurent's mind and memories because he's the first person laurent CHOSE to have sex with, the first person he loved and showed him it could be good, etc. as long as damen maintains that status, laurent will never stop thinking about him, will never have anything to compare damen to and say "see, it wasn't that big of a deal". which brings me to...
he wants to minimize damen. he wants dismiss what damen meant to him, what their entire relationship meant, so it can be easier to move on. how do you move on if you're thinking "oh I broke up with the love of my life lol"? laurent needs to tell himself what he had with damen wasn't unique, wasn't that special. he can have it again (the SEXUAL part).
needless to say, this fails. he has sex with maxime and finds that it's nothing like it was with damen because it's WORSE, because having sex with damen was having sex with someone who knew him and loved him and respected him. laurent has sex with maxime but he's still thinking about damen, he's still in love with damen, the same way damen is having sex with kyra or trying to date iris while thinking and missing laurent.
once this realization sort of sinks in (yes, he can have sex with other people, yet that doesn't erase damen's status in his brain bc damen was special for a bunch of reasons I'm not gonna type in here - THEY'RE IN LOVE, YOUR HONOR) that's when the self-harm comes into the picture. (this is discussed a bit in ch20 so SPOILERS but)
what kind of sex are maxime and laurent having? it's not the slow, gentle, love making stuff damen knows laurent was into. it's rough, it's degrading, it's not as pleasurable, it's a chore, it leaves marks. does laurent want those marks? we don't know. does maxime ask him if he does? we don't know. you can make it as non con as you want because the text doesn't go into detail.
the petnames. "why does laurent like it when maxime says it but not damen?" I don't think he does. he never gives damen a straight answer on this, but he does say that it makes him feel like a bimbo. it makes him feel slightly degraded. he says it wasn't terrible, but he never says he wanted it or that it was good. it's implied that damen tried it once or twice at the very beginning of their relationship, and I think we can all tell why laurent didn't like it back then with him either (bimbo feelings, laurent using him for money, the power imbalance, etc.)
uncle parallels. okay, this one's a bit tricky. yes, you're right to think that the abuse laurent's uncle subjected him to is nothing like his relationship with maxime for a plethora of reasons, but I think the narrative supports some people's opinions that maxime does resemble uncle in some ways (older, brunette, has a beard). i did not write maxime as a literal uncle stand in, so of course it's not going to be a perfect comparison. i wouldn't even call maxime and laurent's relationship abusive.
he said sex was the foundation of their relationship, which seems odd for an ascetic person like laurent who even in hiuh canon doesn’t seem to have engaged in that kind of relationship before dating damen, when he was in a way worse physical and emotional state, unless i’m wrong.
i tried to mirror canon in hiuh when it comes to laurent's... choices? in canon, damen is the first person he's with after his uncle because he's the only one laurent trusts. i don't have any doubts that canon laurent was terribly lonely and probably wanted to be loved waaaaay before damen came into the picture (post uncle, I mean) but his context and environment were so violent and dangerous that he couldn't let his guard down. similarly, in hiuh, laurent leaves his uncle's house without any money and in a very vulnerable position. he's not exactly carefree and happy and able to be like "oh I wanna date and fool around!! explore my sexuality!!!!" - in fact, this is a pretty big plot point in hiuh: laurent did contact damen out of pure necessity.
and yes, sex is the foundation of maxime/laurent for all the reasons I stated above, but at the same time it's not all about sex. it's not even about sex. it's about control and self-punishment. it's about self-hatred. we also don't know what state laurent was in when he started seeing maxime because we don't have his pov, but we do have nicaise's testimony. again, this is briefly mentioned in ch20, but it wasn't exactly pretty.
however, having said all of this, i'm not blind or dumb enough to think oh hiuh laurent is sooooo canon laurent, not a trace of ooc-ness. i get where the characterization issues are coming from. at the end of the day, I have to say that this post summarizes a tiny bit of what went into creating hiuh laurent. i tried to make him as canon as possible, but I'm not pacat and so my characterization is different. my setting is different. the modern au is different. it is completely fair to read hiuh and think as a reader "i would not have gone in this direction, i don't think laurent would ever be with someone who isn't damen, i don't think it's consistent with his canon self". i accept those comments in the same way i accept those that say they love this laurent bc of XYZ.
this is the one area so far where laurent has been extremely defensive and refuses to take responsibility, even though it really hurt damen
i understand this, but at the same time i don't know how much responsibility laurent can take over that when it's... just dating/fucking someone else after a break up. he should apologize for making damen feel bad on purpose (perhaps taking maxime places), but the rest of it... damen also fucked and thought about dating other people. the comparisons you mention were cruel, but they were made, for example, by characters like aimeric (removed from the narrative entirely later on) and ancel (who tells damen he was wrong, who tells damen he thinks laurent made a mistake letting him go).
i don’t see how damen could get over this massive insecurity when laurent appears to ridicule or dismiss him for bringing it up, like with the condom conversation or the pet name issue.
i understand that, but i also think damen's insecurity wasn't born just from this issue. he is an insecure person throughout the fic. his toxic masculinity is one way this insecurity and lack of self-confidence manifest, for example. his fixation on penetrative sex. his fixation on performance. his fixation on parenting like laurent because his own way is wrong. his fixation on never thinking about the things and people he lacks because he can't take it.
yes, laurent played a huge role in feeding that insecurity, but I'm failing to see where he is ridiculing damen. during the condom conversation, laurent snaps because he feels judged and attacked, not because he's making fun of damen's pain. during the pet name conversation, the same thing happens. and in both instances, damen is judging laurent. he judges laurent really harshly in other scenes, too, like when they find out about claude.
some of these issues are talked about in ch20, but I don't think there is a scene where laurent addresses everything. perhaps he should. i just didn't write it.
#anon#hiuh#ok so this got out of hand lol#hopefully this made sense?#i do think a few scenes in ch20 help us see that laurent is sorry and he says so but i dont know to what extent youll be satisfied with it#also i am working my ass off lmao im editing i promise i'm trying to finish it IM TRYING kjbsdkgbdskjgbkd it's just so long dudes#pray for me#pray for my ass bc im editing six hours a day#im so close to the end i can almost taste it#and YES FFS IT'S HAPPY stop doubting me#plot twist they dont end up together
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Whooo I’m mad stressin about round seven
But I do know that the bass will be FUNKY
#ahghghh#it comes out SO SOON#I am not going to be able to do anything but think about to os#this#everything is going to be put on hold#assignments NO#homework? NO#alnst 7#yes#the only thing that will have my attention#and it will be the only thing i think about the rest of the day#im actually so scared#also#my poor roommate#shes got to deal with me#shes a real one#she listens to all of my ramblings and everything#a true homie#pray for me I won’t survive this round#and pray for her cause she has to deal with the aftermath#two people are going to die during round seven#whoever dies and me#but hopefully all goes well#or as well as it can#fingers crossed yall#feels like its evil christmas twas the night before alnst 7 and all through the dorm was rosie screaming and crying not out of the norm#alnst till#alnst luka#alien stage#alnst
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So 1.6 is here and the Trailblaze continuance is interesting. Dr. Ratio is every bit as irritating and pompous as expected. I love him
Spoilers for the continuance quest in the tags cause y'all already know I gotta say something about this dude and it's about to get real neat
#dr ratio#honkai star rail#hsr dr ratio#so anyway here's the part where i start sounding like a drunkard purely because i've been whacked in the face with another character#when he came on screen in the interrogation(?) room with screwllum and asta and you could see his face for the first time i ooghh.#ooab. qoshdh. euahhd. the. sauaghh.#biting my nails shaking my head violently spinning in circles WOW design voice actor accent ohhggg my#i usually keep things like this to myself but ohg. oh dear. ohh my#i'll draw him hopefully. i can only pray i do him justice cause ooaodb#i just. yes sir i am a moron please tell me more in that fancy accent of yours#i will stop interrupting just keep talking 🙏🙏🙏#i'm thinking entj. alhaitham but extroverted and VIOLENTLY neurotypical#i hate him so much but heaven above his design is uuiaj#and he'll be here for free. wgat do i do woth thag informtion#i. eed an imaginary character. i acan. use him on a team#i. wgau#h.elp#THE EYES THOUGH. THE MALE CHARACTERS IN HSR ALL HAVE SUCH GORGEOUS FRICKIN EYES MORESO THAN THE WOMEN#feel free to sigh at me and move on but aough#look i'm normal ok. but i'm also a straight female human being andr thag unfortunately means something
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#Might watch Bourne Legacy tonight just because I need comfort movie now#But in a “now please” type of way#Does that mean I'm sacrificing my sleep for movie?#Yes.#Am I upset that it has to be a war of priorities?#Yes again.#WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN#WILL J BEAT THE TEMPTATION OR WILL SHE SLEEP SO WELL AND HOPEFULLY THE BURNOUT WITH BE MORE OF A SMILEOUT#I'm not coherent#I shouldn't be posting this lol#Oh I think I'm just itching to journal since I have been too lazy to do that in the last 2 weeks#I'll go do that now.#Everyone pray that I don't forget 🙏#Many hugs#Bye bye now
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today i am thinking about the eleventh doctor. that is all.
#out.#do i wanna write? yes.#does it mean i will? probably not.#dsnfksdjfk.#i wanna be here SO BAD but my muse feels funny.#might go rewatch my fave 11 era eps and then see how i feel.#pray for me bc i have so many exciting things i wanna respond to but i'm just a bit. blegh.#i know i have messages to respond to and please know i am still VERY interested in writing with you!! and chatting to u!!!#i will hopefully be back to higher activity very soon.
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staring down the next three weeks to a month at work has me desperate for a little coma, so uh. either I will be around So Much or No Much, maybe after this crisis life will slow down, please.
please.
#coats chats#coats vs capitalism#three people are going away. they all do (different) specific tasks only one person who will be around is trained on#this person is me.#also there are two new hires (one of whom I'm also training)#and the slightly less new hire (im training on some tasks)#all of these are daily tasks#succession planning is great. succession planning that all ends up with a single person is Not Great#also the maths on this was clearly worked out ... Friday arvo🙃#anyway pray 4 me or whatever I'll see you all on the other side#(hopefully it gets less after Wednesday because theoretically i train two people to do some of the task parts#so it's not Literally Just Me#but. y'know. hopefully.)#(yes i am going to kill my fucking manager and department head who have clearly shrug emoji'd this)
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okay so labour won big why am I actually fucking terrified seeing the reform numbers
#well!! we’re going even further right i fucking guess#these are two leave voting labour seats but still that’s kinda terrifying#the tories yes were right but they weren’t all super far right and they had to at least kinda pretend to care about things#if they DO get these 13 seats that’s gonna change so much and probably push the tories even further right anyway because that’s WHY they los#they’re saying it rn! not conservative enough!#with any kind of luck the party implodes within 4 years but I don’t think that’s likely#I kinda didn’t think about how bad this would be#but yeah we have a far right doing really fucking well now and they’re gonna be in second place in a Lot of places#I’m gonna sleep soon I don’t think I can stomach staying up much later tonight#hopefully there’ll be some good news abt the greens or lib dems doing a bit better#praying we get 4 green seats#also man genuinely fuck the House of Lords but it is nice to see someone who’s not insane and just campaigning as the labour guy on bbc#praying he’s right abt reform being mostly protest votes#the reform deputy leader is. one of the most annoying people I have heard though#labour better do what they fucking promised here bc if they don’t we’re all screwed#anyway! maybe this is a sign to move to bristol. or just. move. but we are also late to the far right party party so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#luke.txt#I’m not gonna sleep properly tonight but so be it
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not me literally SCREECHING aloud because Astarion’s greetings for me FINALLY changed to something indicating higher approval
#although aggravatingly his approval level still says medium AUGHHHH#my tav is too goody two shoes for him 😔😔 I can never get his approval#hopefully going through the cazador quest will improve things#BUT HE CALLED ME MY DEAR#FINALLY#INSTEAD OF JUST ‘yes? 🤨’#AND ‘what can I do for you my friend?’#YIPPEE#praying on my knees that I get high approval soon 😭
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Hey kiddos I miss you all so much but I'm in my healing era rn after procrastinating it for years thats why im kinda dead🫡 wish me luck bc this shit do be stressful, i want to be back drawing silly puppets because real life is beating my ass and I'm not a fan of it 😭
#going to a bpd therapist soon so I can tell The Voices to leave me alone yes😇#personal#hopefully adhd meds will work some magic too😴#im gonna be with a shit ton of therapists psychiatrists and neurologists#PLEAAASE PRAY FOR ME
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oof sorry this is a hot mess of a return, i’m just veeeery overstimulated and not getting a break like i normally do so just trying to write to what muses are answering to and/or here for softer things atm bc...vicarious crumbs of ease through the muses. like reading a nice fanfic . does that make sense? idk its just a thing for me
you’re all very wonderful and hoping at least if work ignores me tomorrow
#᛭ — [OOC] angst is the game and tears are the currency#rubs my face#also funny enough realized 3 of my ships all have art of a similar pose / situation#stares at the camera#anyways yes im usually much better at this#even if in person i need some calm i can usually hop right on#but i walked into a whole shitshow of problems getting home#and no one is giving me any time to myself#annnnnnnnnd cant use my room sO#hopefully tomorrow evening / wednesday we good to go#praying work just Ignores me tomorrow#tbd
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Valium and strawberry mimosa mix and maybe even bong time let's FUCKING GO gang
#dk speaks#do i want to hang out with people right now? no. absolutely not#BUT#this person's got drinks for Days leftover from a party and this pretty little bong to show me that i PRAY we're gonna get to light up#SO#am i a people person? Not really. but am i a Drug People person? ohhh absolutley yes#have work tomorrow and dinner with my family tonight so Hopefully my impulse control can check me til maybe midnightish#but just#GOD i cant wait to feel Not Sober UGh
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idog seller has replied with a somewhat cryptic “did you want to pick up?” like I guess? are there other options? most people I’ve bought from want you to just come to their house and pick it up, they don’t really give you other options. Are they just asking if I want it? I do. I feel like that’s clear from me expressing interest. What do you mean by this!!!
#I’m gonna just tell them yes ig??#hopefully theyre somewhere nearby#bc the way my town is set up the radius on fb could mean “five minutes away”#or “in the heart of downtown”#and boy oh boy do I hate driving downtown!#praying it’s just a suburb somewhere that’s easy to drive to
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hi id like to sleep now <3
#i have been trying for. at least 2 hours. but my goddamn arm wont stop aching.#ive finally taken a painkiller a couple minutes ago so hopefully.....#i want to keep saying its bearable bc it is. but i also cant sleep (mainly) because of it so :/#ill go to a doctor if its still present in a week yeahyeah#but the internet has already convinced me ive got arthritis so theres no real need =w=b (JOKING.)#actually hm.hmhmhm.#i do think maybe groaning every few minutes or so bc it hurts isnt. a great sign.#i do feel manly bc the groaning sounds kinda hot so ig thats something 6=w=9#i PRAY the painkiller will kick in well enough bc i gotta get up in 7 hours.#yes that might not seem like a short time but i am a very sleepy guy with a long LONG day ahead so.#=3=#sillyposting#if you read this please pray for me to get rest i prommy ill hear you =w=bb
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THE MOST GORGEOUS - LN4
summary : Lando is convinced he’s found the love of his life during media day, embarrasses himself, and can’t stop flirting!!
listen up : flirty lando! pretend it rained in zandvoort🫨
word count : 616
“Carlos!” I hear the voice before I see him, and he definitely doesn’t see me because as he slides into the room he looks directly at his friend, “Carlos! Did you see that reporter!? Fucking hell, She’s the most gorgeous woman i’ve ever seen! And I saw her completely rage at-”
He spots me then.
I’m sitting in a corner, watching him talk about me. I have to say, My ego is extraordinarily boosted. His hands slap down to the side of his body, his eyes going wide.
I can’t help but laugh, “Hi.” I say, glancing at Carlos who’s already cracking up.
Lando puts his hand on the bridge of his bandaged nose, clearing his throat, he hesitantly looks back up at me, “Hello.”
“You know, I prayed for something comical to happen today! Thank you so much, mate!” Carlos slaps his friend on the back before making his way out, shaking his head at me, “See you!”
“Um…” Lando swallows, “Would you believe me if I said I wasn’t talking about you?” I’m normally not so self centered but I really believe he is talking about me.
“I saw you get escorted into the ‘no press’ area…” He nods, his lips in a thin line, “I was also the only woman in the media pen.”
“Right! Of course.” He leans his arm against a chair, using the other one to motion at me, “Well… Nice job yelling at Vowles.”
I smile and stand, pulling my skirt down a bit, “He deserved it.” I shrug and grab my purse and paddock pads.
“No doubt.” He watches me walk past, “Wait!” I turn and tilt my head, “Would you want to- get coffee?” he looks nervous.
“No… sorry.”
At this, he looks shocked at my blatant refusal, “Uh… That’s alright. Hey! I never got your name.”
I nod, “True.” I walk out and I hear him call after me.
“I’m Lando! By the way!”
⋆。‧˚⋆
“Great race today, Lando.” I say into the microphone as the man stands in front of me. He’s sweaty and holding onto his water for dear life.
I’ve never seen his eyes so blue. Not that I’ve seen much of him in person… I’m new to the interviewer game, made my way up slowly, “Easy to do well when I know you’re watching.”
He just won Max’s home race and apparently winner Lando is a very flirty being. I raise a brow, “How will you be celebrating tonight? Big party?”
He runs his hand over his mouth, “Nah… looking to hang out with someone special.” Is he… asking me out? Now!?
I clear my throat, trying to stay professional, “Sounds Lovely.”
“Hopefully it will be! If she says yes.” He’s looking directly into my eyes, my cheeks feeling hot.
“Mmm who would say no to Lando Norris?”
He licks his lips, “I know one person.” I shake myself out of it, remembering the camera facing him and the mic in my hand.
“So! I’m assuming you're pleased with tyre management today? Pretty wet track, Is that harder or more fun?”
His mouth pulls into a slow smirk and I know i’m doomed, “Prefer it wet after a few boring races.” He shrugs and I roll my eyes because I know what he’ll say next, “Quite slick today but nothing i’m not used to.”
His media manager taps his shoulder, letting us know time is up, “Have a good day celebrating, Norris.”
“Appreciate it, Y/n.” He winks and turns around. I sigh and turn the other way, praying my cheeks will cool down.
He knows my name.
#fanfic#formula 1 fanfic#lando norris fanfic#f1 imagine#lando norris#lando x reader#f1 x reader#f1 fanfic#lando imagine
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no grave can hold my body down, i'll crawl home to her.
simon really meant it, every bit of it, he’d come back to you somehow. he would find his way back to you. wether it was walking through the front door quietly not to wake you up in the middle of the night or cold in a coffin. he’d rather have you hold his dead body than not to have you touch his skin ever again.
that’s what simon was thinking about as his ear ringed so loud he couldn’t focus on his surroundings. he looked up at the sky, so blue it almost didn’t feel right. why so blue when so much blood was being shed?
he occasionally would feel the ground he was laying on tremble, maybe a hand grenade, maybe a body falling next to his. the smell of gunpowder filled his covered nostrils and he could feel his lungs collapsing on themselves from the thickness of the air he was breathing. his eyes weren’t doing good either, filled with dust and sand from the dry earth.
it took him a few more seconds to focus his eyes on something, something that possibly wasn’t moving, his head spinning each time he tried to sit up. something was weighting on his legs, holding him down. he struggled to raise his torso and groaned at the sight of a large body blocking him. he let himself fall back down.
he was ready to go, a sharp pain to his side telling him he wouldn’t last long alone. he’d been through worse, way worse, the scar provided by the meat hook was proof of that, but something was telling him this was as bad. he was ready to go.
the only thing he could think about in his last moments was you. he thought he could see glimpses of you, maybe your hair in the corner of his eyes or he’d hear your laugh as another fire shooting started. his eyes searched for you frantically. he wanted to tell you to leave immediately, scream it at the top of his lungs, but his voice was caught in his throat and you weren’t really there. his mind just playing cruel tricks on him.
your name was repeated like a mantra in his head, repeating it so many times it almost lost a meaning. almost. a prayer, a chant. he sure needed to pray, for you.
he had been shelving the thought that tormented him for months. he wanted to go and confess his sins, he almost felt the need, his palms itching with haste anytime he thought about it. years had passed since the last time he had set foot in a church, so many that he had almost forgotten the reason for the visit. the ghosts of the past never abandon you, especially if they are people you love, especially if they are family, the innocent. its always the innocent who pay the highest price.
‘i wonder what she’s doing now, who’s gonna knock on her door and tell her im gone.’ he thought. ‘hopefully price. he’s the one with tact and the most considerate. he’ll help her when i’m gone, keep an eye on her.’
the sweet smell of your hair replaced for a moment the one of blood and gunpowder, your laughter still echoing in his ears. he pictured your sweet face and big innocent eyes looking up at him.
“promise me something?”
“mhm?” he hummed, surprised you were still up. his hand hadn’t stopped caressing your hair since you laid down on his chest, your hand resting on his collarbone as your ear listened to his calm heartbeat. “yeah, anything.”
“promise me you’ll always come back.” you whispered in the dark room. “promise me, simon.”
he nodded, taken aback by your request. you weren’t the fondest of his job, he knew it, he hated to concern you like he did.
“yes.”
“promise.” you urged. “please.”
he bent his head down and kissed the top of yours, his arm sliding down your back and drawing you closer by your waist. “i will, love. i’ll always come back to you.”
you sighed, the knot of thoughts in your worried head began to untie. “mh.”
“better now?” he softly asked. his voice was hoarse from his constant shouting orders at the obstreperous recruits. you gave a short nod. “i mean it.”
he groaned as he managed to get the body off of himself, struggling to get on his knees.
fucks sake, he couldn’t let you live with him gone like this. it was selfish of him to leave you in such an abrupt way, really. he tried to push away the image of you opening the door to find price with a carton box filled with simons stuff from the barracks with the balaclava and skull mask on top and your knees hitting the floor before he could even say anything.
his legs didn’t feel like they could hold his weight up, he immediately fell to his knees as he heard another rapid fire too near him for his liking. his gun was long gone, he had to manage to survive alone, again.
“crawlin’ it is.” he breathed as he started to drag his tired body with the strength of his arms alone. you had always praised his strength: he could lift you with one arm alone, you loved to be held and hold on to his arm anywhere and at anytime. that was the main reason he always pushed for more while training, and the motivation your sweet compliments always gave him now were gonna save his life. he made a mental note to kiss and hold you a little longer and tighter if he ever made it home alive.
he could see the building his team was supposed to meet up in case things got bad. it looked so far away that it was alarmingly close. maybe it was just his messed up vision, a mirage, but he could swear he saw you from a window looking at him, urgently motioning him to come.
he brought the thick balaclava above his nose so he could breathe better and as enemy gunfire continued to flow, he kept his head low as he moved dead bodies from his way.
he could hear your voice calling for him and he wanted to call you for you back, but the noises of the battlefield were hurrying him to get to the safe zone first.
he stumbled by the door as he brought himself up, one hand stabilizing him as he held on to the doorframe as the other went to press on his wound.
“lt!” johnnys voice called before he rushed to help him. “ye cheeky bastard, i told them not to leave yet, to wait for ye.”
“gaz saw you get shot.” price swung simon’s arm over his shoulder in order to help him to the nearest table, where he laid down.
“he saw that right.” simon bit the inside of his cheek as price inspected his wound, pressing on it. “is he a‘ight?”
“he’s fine, hit his head but had his helmet on, he’s getting checked out by the medics.” price informed him as simon winced at the sharp pain. “there’s at least two bullets in here, didn’t pass through, stuck.”
“just take ‘em the fuck out.” simon groaned. “how’s it lookin’?”
“you’ll live.” price patted his shoulder in comfort before he went to call a medic.
“we really thought we’d lost ye there, lt.” johnny’s face was glowing with sweat and blood, the black war paint smudged messily all around his face and his mohawk dusted.
“helicopter’s leaving in thirty, boys!” price’s baritone voice called from the other room.
simon scoffed, sighing and closing his eyes, finally letting himself relax as your figure started to fade from the corner of the room where it’d been standing, silently looking at him. “won’t lose me, can’t wait to go home, johnny.”
#simon ghost riley#simon riley x you#simon riley#simon riley x reader#simons a loverboy at heart#simon is not ghost
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