#they’re saying it rn! not conservative enough!

[exopelagic]

okay so labour won big why am I actually fucking terrified seeing the reform numbers

[beardedmrbean]

French voters are waiting to see the full line-up for the second round of parliamentary elections, as scores of candidates stood aside in order to help defeat the far-right National Rally (RN).

Parties have until 18:00 (17:00 BST) Tuesday evening to register contenders for Sunday.

Only then will it be clear how many from the left and centre have abandoned the race in the hope of unifying the anti-RN vote.

Last Sunday’s first round produced a big victory for the party of Marine Le Pen, which - with allies - won around 33% of the vote.

A broad left-wing alliance came second, and President Emmanuel Macron’s centrists third.

But Ms Le Pen’s chances of winning an outright majority in the 577-seat National Assembly have been dented by the blocking tactics of her party’s enemies.

In more than half of constituencies – around 300 – three candidates qualified from the first round of voting (nearly everywhere else it was just two).

If in these constituencies one of the two non-RN runners stands aside, this increases the chances of the RN candidate being defeated.

By midday Tuesday around 200 candidates from the left and centre were understood to have taken the step.

The left-wing New Popular Front (NPF) – which comprises everyone from centre-left social democrats to far-left anti-capitalists – issued instructions to all of its third-placed candidates to step down and let a centrist reap the anti-RN vote.

The NPF is thus helping two senior pro-Macron MPs – former prime minister Elisabeth Borne and Interior Minister Gérald Darmanin – to win in their constituencies in Normandy and the north.

Conversely a pro-Macron candidate has stood down in order to help radical left-winger François Ruffin defeat the RN candidate in the northern city of Amiens.

The RN’s 28 year-old president – and hopeful for prime minister – Jordan Bardella condemned these arrangements as the fruit of an “alliance of dishonour” between parties that until now have been at each other’s throats.

Instructions to candidates from Mr Macron’s centrist bloc have been more ambiguous than the NPF’s.

Though Mr Macron himself and Prime Minister Gabriel Attal have called for “no vote for the RN”, some in his camp believe its far-left component makes the NPF equally unpalatable.

Senior figures like Finance Minister Bruno Le Maire and former Prime Minister Edouard Philippe – both originally from the centre-right – are refusing to issue instructions to vote systematically against the RN.

RN insiders told Le Figaro newspaper that its opponents’ tactics did not bother them.

“On the contrary, it’s good news. The overall message they’re giving out is that it’s the entire system which is against us... It’s another big stitch-up and our voters are tired of it,” one said.

RN leaders have said they will not attempt to form a government unless they are given an outright majority in the parliament in Sunday’s vote.

They say they do not want to be given the appearance of power, if the reality is they cannot pass laws.

However on Tuesday Marine Le Pen qualified this, when she said that a lower majority would be good enough – if it does not fall too far short of the 289 member threshold.

Speaking on French radio she said that winning around 270 deputies would allow her party to open talks with individual MPs from other groups in the hope of persuading them into an accord.

“We are going to say to them: ‘Are you ready to participate with us in a new majority? Are you ready to vote a confidence motion? Are you ready to vote for the budget?’” she said.

She cited as possible targets independent MPs of right and left, and part of the conservative Republicans party which won 10% of the vote on Sunday.

If the RN wins an absolute majority on Sunday, Mr Bardella would be asked by President Macron to form a government – and there would then begin a tense period of “cohabitation” between two political enemies.

Under the French Fifth Republic constitution, power would flow away from Mr Macron to the prime minister’s office because “the government determines and conducts the policy of the nation”.

However Mr Macron would probably seek to retain powers in the areas of foreign policy and defence, which from precedent – and not from the actual wording of the constitution – have remained the preserve of the Elysée in past cohabitations.

Marine Le Pen also accused the president Tuesday of carrying out an “administrative coup d’état” because she had heard he was preparing a number of key appointments in the police and army just days ahead of the vote.

“When you want to counter the results of an election by nominating your people to jobs, and when that stops [the government] from being able to carry out policies which the French people have asked for... I call that an administrative coup d’état."

“I hope it is only rumour,” she added.

[granulesofsand]

🗝️🏷️trafficking, RAMCOA in medium detail, child abuse, active threat, and more!

I have information I need to spit out before it gets cycled through, but I can’t think well enough to make it generally useful. Uhm. Words.

- it’s so hard to comprehend language rn. We have longer running programs built to stop us remembering or sharing secrets, but also we are being cued. I can’t tell what they know about what they’re doing, but every time I turn around at least one of them is staring. I’m sitting in a locked bathroom because they are always right there

- the grandparents know more physical cues than our immediate family, and they’re super touchy and insistent on sitting across from us. It’s not those things alone that are weird, but in combination with the effects their gestures have it seems off. The cues aren’t all impossible to replicate unintentionally, but it would be damn hard to use them in a row or in regular speech.

- they know too much, but also not enough. Our mom talks to them about everything, regardless of what we ask or if she says she won’t. There are some things, like abuse incidents they supposedly weren’t there for, that they bring up details about. Usually with another cue, but idk why they’re tying them like that, I don’t think we connected them before. They also get confused about events we know they were there for or told about, and sometimes they follow it up with a forgetting or innocence cue. They’re old, but they’re the type to point at houses and talk about specific parties thrown there or quirks the occupants had.

- they’re very nice until they’re not. I actually think this is mostly cultural. They don’t talk bad about anyone until they leave the room, they speak politely even when they’re throwing slurs, they use perfect table manners and volunteer to help around the house. We fought with them today about whether sex and labor trafficking of children was okay, and they think it is. We feel so bad about cutting them off until they start talking about how different races are the downfall of the country. Again, they are just conservative old white people.

- our parents are dissociative. We weren’t sure if it was alters or just memory and state change before, but they respond to certain cues with switching and pick up different accents and behaviors based on the cue. Key word is cue, cause we thought maybe it was just social interaction until we saw them respond to a more obvious cue, and then a few more subtle ones.

- the trafficking conversation. Some of us fight with them a lot just because we aren’t part of the same group anymore and wildly expanded our vows since then. I think most people know sex trafficking is bad? The physical labor might be a generational thing, but both explain some of our trauma with them. They legit don’t think sexual abuse is bad. Or hitting, or slavery, or torture. A lot of the dangerous stuff is plainly traceable to their everyday beliefs. Not exaggerating or bending words either, they either used those words or their dictionary definitions.

- ways they’ve cued us, in minimally triggery wording; uncommon foods, uncommon touch patterns, direct quotes of media used to structure our system, uncommon hand shapes and gestures, situationally inappropriate body language, object pairing to produce trained responses, references to training events, word salad of cue words that makes no outside sense, muttering cue phrases from directly behind or next to us, holding hands up to deliver cues, tossing cue phrases into conversation to achieve desired effect, etc.

- they mentioned and named the religious groups we were trafficked in without prompting. No driving nearby, no ongoing conversations, no related objects in the proximity, I don’t know why they brought them up. In the same vein, they keep talking about corporal punishment and commenting on people’s outfits. No point, no prompt, just to bring it up. We came into the room our whole family was in and they were talking about how different races were better because they disciplined their kids harder, then started making racist comments about the groups they were talking about.

- our family all start using language and cues they usually don’t, which might still be normal, but it was really sucky to not only have the misgendering and misogyny, but also the comments about Asian people from our half Asian father. They regress past years of dragging them out of toxic beliefs to make the grandparents smile. It’s not DID related, but I still hate it.

- we have suicide, sh, forget, denial, crazy, and other programs running now from cues they used. The grandparents don’t cue for funsies like the rest of our family, but they do it as often. If we didn’t have the knowledge we do now, we wouldn’t be surviving for the next school year. Thinking back (read: looking at journals), our last big suicide attempt was right after the car ride home from their house. We’d been clean for almost a year, unless I’m thinking of the wrong attempt. There were multiple, at least two within a day of leaving their house.

I’m scared. We lock the doors when we sleep near them and set up items to tell if we’ve been active without remembering it, but the most I can do is talk to friends in case the worst happens. It looks like we won’t die from torture, so there’s a sliver of hope. We’re gonna deal with consequences later, but Im hoping the last forget and sleep cues cover my tracks some. I hate it here. That’s all I’ve got.

[quillquiver]

^^^ALL OF THIS

I worked in the sales part of the publishing industry for a while, and library borrows are counted meticulously and determine things like if the library will purchase more of that book because demand needs to be met, if they’ll re-purchase that author in the future, etc. As for pay, I’m not sure about library borrows, but I’ve heard the terms of a handful of author contracts at this point, and what usually happens is: if the author is offered an advance, then they’re paid that before the pub date and will only make more money if the book sells more than the advance is worth. So like, let’s say that your book is $14.99 and your advance is $20,000 you will only make money when your book nets more than $20K - and even then, your royalty will be a portion of the sale determined by your contract. The less well-known the author, the smaller the royalty tends to be.

The publishing industry is weird in that there are huge conglomerates (yuck), but also, these large companies sell to indie bookstores and libraries, which are super important to support. They’re kind of an evil everyone else in the industry just puts up with rn because there isn’t a whole lot we can do to stop them from eating every publishing house in sight (that’s a politics and law issue). 

What we can do, though, is support the authors by borrowing their books at the library, or buying from indie bookstores (in Canada, it is actually law that all books need to priced the same - so unless Indigo or Amazon are having a sale, that book is the same price at an indie bookstore!). Moreover, asking book folks in libraries or indie stores for a copy if they don’t have one almost always yields great results; librarians will order more copies if enough people ask, and indie store owners will order the book for you at no extra cost!

Also, a whole lot of queer and/or BIPOC authors often start at indie publishers, where they usually publish a few times and make a name for themselves, before they get picked up by the conglomerates (which have advances that indie houses cannot compete with). Big houses have the money to take risks but are often super conservative in their publishing, so if you really like an author and they’re reasonably well-known, you might even find that their earlier work has been published indie!

alright for the millionth time I'm seeing yet another author I admire talk about how they literally can barely afford to live & yet there are people openly admitting to pirating their books so, like

i guess it needs to be said again

pirating books is not the same as pirating your favourite Disney movie or whatever. book piracy kills author's incomes and can genuinely ruin someone's career

[two-sides-samecoin]

i meant to send this earlier when you reblogged the jopper hate post but my internet cut out. so you don't really have to answer this

i absolutely agree with jopper being awful, i don't get why people ship Joyce, a woman who escaped her violent ex and has probably ptsd from it with the man who can't regulate his anger and snaps almost immediatly. the way he screamed at her in s3 was horrible and i don't get why this ship is so popular.

what also gets me are the people (esp b/lers) who hate Ted and think he would hatecrime Mike if he were to come out, but in the same breath think Hopper would be very understanding towards Will. first of all he is a conservative cop and second he couldn't even be empathatic towards El in s2, who was a girl he knew about how much she was abused her entire life. he never tried to sit down and listen and care, he provides food and shelter and thought this is enough and El is being ungrateful or reckless. why do you think he would be supportive when Will comes out? maybe he changed his ways after being in the gulag, i'm not saying people can't get better, but as for rn we don't have any proof Hopper would be better than Ted when it comes to being an accepting person.

how i see it, Hopper and Ted are kinda the same, they are both neglectful towards their kids. both see themselves as providers but fail at the interpersonal level. Ted is mostly passive and Hopper too violent. Both men are a product of toxic masculinity in the 80s.(tho i would prefer Ted over Hopper any time because at least he wouldn't yell at me 24/7.) the only good father figures are Charles Sinclair (people need to hype up the Sinclairs more) and Bob Newby.

Bob was perfect for Joyce, he was patient with the kids, esp Jonathan and very kind. he was understanding and Joyce deserves someone who gives her peace instead of ending with someone like Hopper who resembled her ex in terms of violent behavior.

i would ship jopper, if not for s3 where they made Hopper cartoonishly aggressive and played it of as funny banter with Joyce. he kinda learned his lesson in the end of s2 with El after she run away. if they would have continued with his arc of getting his anger under control instead of doing a 180, i could get behind. because again Joyce deserves peace and a man who isn't violent after she rescued herself and her kids from her abusive ex.

it is totally fine that you did this now and dw i’m answering! and sorry about your internet.

legit jopper is soo popular and god hopper in season 3 is just sooo bad. he’s really just awful! and yeah like joyce had an abusive relationship with lonnie. i legit love her with bob so much like they’re everything to me

bylers are super weird about that ngl. like how is it that the parent (ted) who is just chill is the one who’s throwing out mike for being gay which mike in canon isn’t! like the way everyone wants a hypothetical thing with this when it’s not even canon that mike is gay. he just isn’t! also idk why everyone wants hopper to be will’s dadesque parent when like at first hopper did not care that the kid was missing idjdjdjdb. legit everything about that like i do think hopper and el’s bond is something special to me but the way he so easily threatens el with the lab is actually scary cuz arguably that’s what he’s trying to prevent but then he so easily uses it as an excuse to get el in like. you didn’t mention this but like yeah! THAT LAST LINE IN THIS PARAGRAPH EATS!

god i so agree about this entire paragraph! we love bob and charles sinclair legit they need to hype up charles more! and yeah both ted and hopper are a product of their time! legit bob was so perfect joyce they’re just sooo cutie 🥰 i will never forget that bob learned about all of this and just jumped right into it. like he’s just so special

god so much of jopper just gets ruined because of how hopper was in season 3! yeah like he learned at the end of season 2 with el and then they kinda just reset that for some reason. agreed about that last point

[boyswillbedogz]

heyyyy heres a script for a speech on trans rights i have to give in class soon

any suggestions or criticisms are helpful, it has to be between 2-3 minutes and rn measures at roughly 2:50

There are ten stages of genocide. I was nine years old when I realized for the first time that I was in the middle of number six, and a just a few months ago it dawned on me that we’re now in stage eight: active genocide. They. Are. Killing us. And you – yes you –  can do something about it, but are making the active choice not to. 

Us being transgender people. Transgender is defined by the American Psychological Association as “an umbrella term for persons whose gender identity, gender expression or behavior does not conform to that typically associated with the sex to which they were assigned at birth.”

My name is {irl name}. I’m trans, I know, looking back, that I always have been but when I was nine I gained a word to put to it. I use he/him pronouns even though my birth certificate says I’m a girl. But I’m so much more than that simple contradiction. I’m a person. I like sharks and drawing and playing doom. I want to be a tattoo artist when I’m older. I laugh and I cry and I’m a human being.

But some people don’t see it that way.

A conservative political action conference speaker, Michael Knowles, said this year on camera; “Transgenderism must be eradicated.” Yet, he goes back. Claims that when he says this he’s not saying that trans people should be eradicated, just the ideology. 

But that’s simply not how it works, and this is the leadup to the excuse of a literal mass murdering. You can’t kill the idea of being gay, only gay people. And that’s what they’re doing, and that’s what they did.

And they have no arguments except the ones being recycled from the attack on gay people. We’re not delusional, a study by the National Institute of Health shows that the brains of trans women more resemble the female sex. And even if that wasn’t the case: gender isn’t real. Sex is but even then it’s not that black and white because there are women with XY chromosomes and high testosterone and vice versa. Gender is a social construct just like money and language and therefore is flexible. DIfferent countries have entirely different ideas of sex and gender. There is so much evidence against transphobic arguments that prove It’s not because you are thinking of the children or because we wish you harm, it's because you are scared of what does not align with your concept of normal. 

This basic, basic level of respect that we have to stoop down to beg people for is something that can literally save lives. And they turn their heads and say we’re throwing a fit over nothing.they call it ‘trans activists throwing fits over nothing’ even though The National Institute of Health tells us that data indicates that 82% of transgender individuals have considered killing themselves and 40% have attempted suicide, with suicidality highest among transgender youth. Is that something enough or do you not care for the lives of our youth? What happened to think of the children?

I’m one of the children. Just last year I was violently suicidal because I could not see my future in America as a trans person, especially not a black trans person. My future looked bleak in a country where police brutality, homelessness, poverty, bullying, depression, and violent discrimination were all things I’d probably be subject to. Thursday, February 10th, 2022, I tried to kill myself. I went to school the next morning without telling anyone, stuck with this horrible dread in my stomach. I’m in therapy now and doing hugely better, but that doesn’t negate the point that I was so painfully aware that my country actively hated me that I wanted to kill myself. 

But it’s not inevitable. You don’t have to go give speeches in front of courts, but you can do something. Support the trans people in your life, be a safe space as a person because there are people in this very school genuinely scared to come out because of the environment we have created. Do research, care. Donate to things like The Trevor Project which will do the talking for you and put money towards mental health for queer teens. We are dying but we are not a hopeless cause. You can do something. Doing nothing will lead to some poor child sitting and watching the news and realizing that we are in stage ten of transgender genocide. Doing nothing will kill us.

[youturningintodust]

It’s so bizarre and hilarious (if sad, because they pick up supporters who haven’t thought certain aspects out well enough) to see second wavers/radfemism types’ ideas on lesbianism on here.

Like they’re literally trying to recreate the Lesbian Sex Wars like it never ended. Reminds me of how Russia thinks it’s still in the Cold War lmfao. It’s over, get used to it.

And one of the biggest ways they show this is through their refusal to understand butch/femme relationships. (We already know all about their trans-hate but I won’t go there RN.) This was one of their main aggressions in the 2nd wave decades: going against any “gender-weird” people and those who were in relationships with them.

Really, they hated and still hate ANYONE with STRONGLY gendered energy, including highly femme cis women (and masculine cis men), too, if not with quite the same extreme ire that they have for those who go against what was pushed on them at birth (butch women, fem men, trans people).

And they use “it’s sexist and just like the worst existing relationships in cis/hetero culture” as a cheap tactic to frighten impressionable types out of expressing themselves. To intimidate and push people out of just…being real.

Because it is real. People being like this is just, well, real, and maybe it isn’t the life everyone has, but it’s authentic.

At the core of their beliefs, they hate polarized gendered energy. They’re scared of it.

They can never fully accept the eroticism, beauty, energy exchange, yin/yang of the relationship of a masculine/feminine couple. (Probably not butch/butch female or fem/fem male couples either, but that kind of goes without saying, when they fear gender-variation.) Something about them just jars at it, like it’s so blatant and powerful and right out there that they don’t know what to do with it.

If these librarians had their way, we would all be wandering around with bowl cuts and turtlenecks having mild sex after eating a few spoonfuls of organic quinoa and reading goddamn dry academic lit to each other. The entire species.

The idea that we would all be walking blank slates if “culture” didn’t “force” gendered energy onto us is bogus. They can really only speak for themselves.

So they have to say nonsense like that being butch is “practical clothing” and femininity is “for men”. Ignoring everything about what we actually are, because they fail or refuse to understand it.

I kind of get a laugh at this point at how much it makes them tremble.

If it weren’t so powerful, they wouldn’t avoid it, like the bogeyman under the bed.

They wouldn’t try to find ways to de-masculinize butchness/female masculinity in language, acting like it’s just a desire to cast off skirts and dress “comfortably”; they wouldn’t demean femininity as only a tool of oppression, not something that feminine women can shape into what they want and need. Wherein in both cases, a butch or a femme is just a sad, pathetic woman responding only to cis men’s sexism, and nothing else. Not masculinity or femininity as its own POWER. They wouldn’t forcibly re-interpret us into their stupid little roles because they can’t understand us…unless it frightened some part of them, to understand us.

They are so sexually repressed. And repressing us is part of that for them.

Strong masculinity and strong femininity are potent sexual symbols. Just as much now as in past decades, they can’t take it. Quaking at it. Nuns. Schoolmarms. Conservative grandmas. Sexual verve and drive are of Teh Debil, and they’ll just find secular, academic ways to express that fascist urge to control, destroy, repress, and pretend it doesn’t exist.

So many thoughts about this. just, lol.

[frownyalfred]

im all here for jewish bruce so please dont take this as me disagreeing with you or anything because canon doesnt even matter in the first place and mostly im just a little confused but if kate is bruce's cousin from his moms side and being jewish comes from your mom doesnt that mean kates mom is jewish and it doesnt have anything to do w. her dad who would be the kane part of the equation unlesd her dad is also jewish idk i dont really go here im just creeping on the sidelines rn yanno

Sure! Anon, this is a question that comes up a lot, and I’m not expert, but here’s what I know:

-Martha Kane and Jacob Kane were siblings

-The Kanes are established as Jewish in canon (including Jacob)

-Kate is Jewish, which, according to halachic interpretation, assumes that her mother was Jewish at the bare minimum (but that her father likely was Jewish as well)

-Martha, being Jacob’s sister, would also be Jewish (barring a weird half-brother situation, or that he converted at some point)

-The above exceptions would be unlikely considering the Jewishness of the Kane name, “Jacob”, etc. 

-At the bare minimum again, since Judaism is technically matrilineal (more about this later) and the Kane family line is Jewish, any of Martha’s children would also be Jewish

-Bruce Wayne would halachically be Jewish

Now, all of this hinges on Jacob Kane being Jewish by birth and the Kane family being Jewish overall. But there are also some additional clues:

-Kate’s family was intentionally made Jewish, in a nod to Jewish creator Bob Kane, whose family was also Jewish

-Martha and Jacob’s generation usually married within Judaism by tradition (this has changed a lot in the last few decades) and marriage into another faith was generally frowned upon. 

-The above makes it unlikely Jacob married into a Jewish family unintentionally (i.e., Kate’s mother being Jewish was important to Jacob as a Jewish man)

-Jacob is a commonly-given name to Jewish men

-Martha marrying outside the faith would explain why Bruce was not necessarily raised Jewish (in this retcon, at least)

Hey? Everyone keeps arguing about matrilineal Judaism. What does that even mean?

-This comes up a lot in Jewish Batman discourse. Matrilineal Judaism is a remnant of Biblical times, where Judaism could only be confirmed if the mother was Jewish (assuming the father was not present, etc)

-Certain sections of Judaism hold this strongly, including Conservative, Orthodox, Reform (to an extent) and some other traditions

-For a long time, and still somewhat to this day, it was frowned upon to marry a non-Jewish man (i.e., Jews tended to marry Jews)

-Patrilineal Judaism (Judaism passed down by the father)  is slowly being more accepted, as well as other discrepancies (adoption, Jewish grandparent, etc)

-Some traditions still don’t necessarily view someone as Jewish unless they practice Judaism (had a bar mitzvah, converted, etc) but this is rare, largely because of the “one drop” rule in the Holocaust, and modern aliyah standards of Israel. 

-When folks in the fandom talk about Batman in the context of matrilineal Judaism, they’re usually referring to the fact that, if Martha Kane was Jewish in any way when she had Bruce, he would technically be Jewish by birth in the eyes of many rabbis, regardless of his own practiced religion or atheism. 

-Like I said earlier, all of this hinges on if Jacob Kane was Jewish by birth. I.e., that Martha and Jacob’s mother was Jewish. 

I believe that canon has been established enough where we can assume that Jacob Kane was in fact Jewish by birth, that he married a Jewish woman, and had a Jewish child (Kate). 

I don’t believe this retcon intentionally made Bruce Jewish. Again, some would argue that he’s not really Jewish, as he’s never practiced or recognized the religion in canon. 

However, Judaism is tricky. It’s an ethnic group, a religion, and a cultural tradition, all amassed into one messy blob. It’s likely, if Martha was raised Jewish, that there were still some vestiges of Jewish cultural practices in how she raised Bruce (celebrating some holidays, traditions, or observances) unless she explicitly chose to ignore them. 

All in all, I would say it is very likely that Bruce is technically Jewish. More likely than not. An accident? Yes. But a good one for all of us Jewish fans. 

[vldkeith]

(i have read the faqs don’t worry!! )

why is it that you don’t like the dirty laundry fanfic? is it just not your type of ff or?

gonna copy and paste my answers from some older posts bc i mostly still agree with what i said then!

from one post i made before:

the whole fanfic was written by a white person, so their intense focus on portraying lance’s family as homophobic is….kind of racist? like just because it’s something that actually happens doesn’t mean white people get a pass to write an entire story centering around it, a story that is honestly just angst porn wrt lance’s family. like. it’s one thing for a hispanic person to write a story like this, but quite another for a white person who has not experienced it to do so, because they’re kind of just working off of stereotypes. i dont think the person who wrote it is racist at ALL but i do think that what they chose to write and how they chose to write it kind of exemplifies the racist dynamic of america & how many white liberals view hispanic people as hopelessly conservative wrt things like homosexuality. it’s really not their place to comment on it. there are also hispanic people who agree that it is racist, so it’s not like im going against the grain here. 

and from another, earlier post:

 i read this like….back in 2017 when it was still semi-new (and was there to see it replaced with the bee movie script after it got so much flack, and then when it was deleted altogether) and i have to say…as literally the FIRST klance fanfic i read (i always sort by hits/kudos) it was such a BAD INTRO TO THE KLANCE DYNAMIC!! like! god ok i don’t remember it being written that horribly but the plot points were just WHACK like. kenzie mentioned yesterday the like car fight thing?!?! what the hell was that??? and lance’s family being homophobic?? lance not rly accepting keith’s “love letter” (writing the words “keith’s love letter” was painful bc keith would never DO THAT) but then trying to make up for it by like…serenading him in a mcdonalds or smth?! idk if im remembering right and tbh the most i remember from the fic was like, the roadtrip and even THAT i don’t remember a lot bc it was kind of boring and bad characterization but tbh it was just so overhyped. ppl were like “wow this is the klance fanfic this is what the fandom is founded upon” and i just don’t see it and even back then i don’t think i saw it, though i acted like i did bc i was 17 and just wanted to fit in. again it was also one of my first experiences with klance so i didnt rly have a strong frame of reference yet but man….idkidk i dont think it deserved the intense hate it got but the vaguely racist(?) (stereotypical might be a better word? racist seems a bit intense but i cant think of another word rn) undertones of how lance’s hispanic family was portrayed definitely rubs me the wrong way thinking back on it now and i just dont think the author was equipped to handle such widespread popularity given that. 

i think i was actually too easy on it with this answer ^ from 2020 lmao.

it just plays into soooo many racist stereotypes about hispanic families/people and about the "drama" of gay male relationships (they get out of the car just to physically fight each other at one point like i mentioned up there) and if that wasn't enough to convince people it's just not a good fanfiction, the characterization of both keith and lance is very Off imo again as i outlined above. overall just a product of early klance fandom that is best left in the dark shadows of history, only to be resurrected as a demonstration of what you probably should not do when youre writing a mlm relationship between poc

[emmett-mchearty]

With Texas bein the center of attention so much rn, I thought I'd go ahead and say something.

Y'all wanna help Queer Texans? Texans of color? Texans who can no longer access safe abortion? Texans that can no longer learn about or teach the history of racism in schools? Y'all wanna really DO something for us aside from reblogging a post about how fucked up it all is?

Move here.

Seriously. There was a movement about ten or so years ago where Republicans in blue states(mostly wealthy ones from SoCal) all moved to Texas to 'conserve their family values' aka be homophobic and racist without facing consequences for it. We're seeing the result of that now.

"Oh but Tristan, shouldn't y'all be the ones moving? If it's so terrible then why dont you leave?" I, like many others in the Queer and POC communities, am financially stuck here. Personally, I can't leave the state without giving up my career(my school shut down and i can no longer access my transcripts to transfer my license to a different state) and having to start over working at minimum wage, which as we all know isnt enough to live on anywhere.

Not to mention our Governor is a dick who is still stuck firmly in Trump's back pocket. Abbott has met with Trump multiple times since his election loss. Ya know what y'all could do if y'all moved here? Help us vote that incompetent scabies rash out of office. There's a REASON Republicans are trying to force through all those voting restrictions: They're scared they're going to lose if everyone who CAN vote does so. They know they only win through gerrymandering and voter suppression.

If Queer and POC democrats that were able to do so all left the state, we'd be condemning the ones that couldn't to whatever oppressive batshit policy Abbott comes up with next. The more progressives move here, the more voting power we have, and the less these ignorant fucks think they have a safe haven for their bigotry.

Move here. Use your vote and your voice to change these policies. Give them nowhere to hide. Let them know that this is AMERICA and their discrimination is not welcome here.

Y'all means ALL.

[seoafin]

tbh,, i havent read the raws of the interview yet, only the translated ver from fan-translator and b4 i start, i think that this will be just me talking in circle and in no particular order AND a real mess (my brain does weird things after exams) but uhh here we go

gojou collects talented people, and by doing so he finds the people he can most probably relate to, except that he can't, not really, because something in the universe shifted when he was born. and it makes me think of how he's always known it, that he is special, and he's proven it, time and time again— he wants to take in talented ppl and he does, but there rly isn't much he can do for them. for they are talented, more talented than the world can understand,,

but they aren't gojou satoru

gojou took in megumi, bc he knew megumi was strong, and would grow up to be someone even stronger, but gojou can't facilitate or encourage his growth, bc for all they're similar, they are so fundamentally different. ALSO,, while geto was in his life, gojou rly judged everything according to his understanding of geto’s moral compass. gojou wears a human suit and geto is how he learnt to wear it well 🏃

the dragonfly analogy regarding to geto’s response to gojo, who was shown wearing a dragonfly patterned yukata in HI arc,, i’m trying to not think abt the fact that dragonfly symbolized victory in jpn....pain. i quoted from a web here for more explanation : In Japan the dragonfly is known as the "victory insect", or kachimushi, because of its hunting prowess and also because it is known to never retreat. Dragonflies are agile and fast fliers and can even hover, but never fly backwards

and bringing this up again, matricide and patricide are 2 of the 5 worst act to commit in buddhism, and it was said that if u commit one of those act u’re going to spend a real long time in the deepest pit of hell before continuing the samsaric cycle (higher chances to be born as an animal after that probs)— this might be geto’s divine retribution. held no power over his own body and could be considered that he’s the same as those “monkeys” 💀

ALSO the fact that sukuna's interest is "eating" rly drives home his hedonistic philosophy of seeking pleasure for himself. and he’s a cannibal...makes me think if he’ll just chomp on ppl with the mouth on his stomach

randomly, to date i think he hasn't really called himself a human, shaman, or a curse, and has held himself apart from all 3, and we've also the intro of the cursed wombs so i wonder if he’s trying to become, or is, a different entity altogether

so onmyoji got mentioned in the interview and what they practice is called onmyodo and abe no seimei and kano no yasunori were the notable practitioners,, and the kamo in jjk is the same as irl who served the imperial court back then

maybe i was right when i said that the relation between the govt. and jujutsu elders are similar to how the shogunate and imperial court work (ie, the former holds the actual power) but... lets see later,,

and i cant believe that i actually nailed it on the analogy of jujutsu practices by religion,,, so mahayana buddhism, shintoism, and taoism is present in jjk along with their respective jujutsu practices...but between the 3, it shld (?) be taoism > shintoism > mahayana buddhism (which could took a path to pure land buddhism)

it’s weird that the number of curses are supposedly higher in jpn comparable to other countries when taoism was brought from china....tengen sus

so the zenin family tree is sth like :

brothers: [toji's dad] ; naobito ; ougi

so toji, naoya, and maki & mai are cousins of the same generation

[toji's dad] → jinichi (probs) ; toji → megumi

naobito → other brothers, naoya

ougi → maki, mai

but yea i’d call anyone who’s within/close or below my age range as cousins and others above 30 as uncles/ aunts LMFAO,, i dont rly memorize my own family tree 😭😭 especially since most call the other by honorifics instead of names : aunt, uncles etc or attaching said honorifics at the end of a name for an older sibling figure/ older cousins [but like ppl in my country also call the other who are older with sibling honorific even if we’re strangers,,, rly similar to korea’s hyung/oppa—eonnie(unnie)/noona but some uses more genderless honorific] (1)

tw // topic of incest, mentions of abuse

if anyone got the wrong idea when reading this : i am not glorifying/ romanticising incest(uous themes),, i’m looking at this with absolutely no lenses of bias even tho im rly against it

初恋 = literally : first love, or puppy love

恋 = romantic love/ deep longing

i literally don't know how else to put this...🧍and with language barrier...using a western interpretation of the eng word "love" to explain a jpnese term is not quite that simple, unfortunately

that thread omg,, i rly do understand how exactly someone could associated kindness with love bc of my upbringing, it was when i was slightly older that i was just...oh so its not like that orz,,, so the most plausible explanation would be that

but the problem is that,, akutami never specify when exactly she had a crush on them,, and when megumi answered todo’s question she had a “♡” reaction 😶,, uhmmm there’s rly no way to look past this if its this way or be in denial

i’ve seen some of "why wouldn't mai react that way after hearing megumi say he'd like someone who's compassionate when she's surrounded by men like naoya",, well I MEAN,,, that, but also mai probs admires that megumi grew up so well out of the clan, regardless of the fact that he had the foundation (10 shadows) to do so. imo she seems happy for him the way she can't be for maki, bc maki ultimately had to leave her behind

hate to say it but yea,, the 3 clans most likely still practice inbreeding in order to preserve their power and presumably their wealth too 😀

i had an idle thought abt it at first but i filed it deep in the back of my mind asap,, bc i ont wanna jump to conclusion abt this out of all things too early. it’s probably not even in jjk, but all those elite clans in other ani/mangas that produce powerful heirs and whatnot also do the same,,, but this way of (my personal) thinking was influenced when i first got into tsukihime (type-moon),,, i read abt the nanaya family background and found out that they practice that in order to keep their bloodline “pure” (to keep it short : they have an optical power),, and i had this kind of assumption ever since so there’s that

i’m,, convinced the zenins' inbreeding made it more difficult for them to get powerful shamans bc they got 2 jujutsu technique-less children with heavenly restrictions in the same generation: toji & maki

even more convinced that maki might be a bit stronger than toji bc toji could see curses without aid while maki can't so the pay-off must be higher,,, SJJASN IDK ,,, plus naoya sort of implies his older brothers are nothing compared to him, and idk if we should take that as his arrogance or that his older brothers rly are weak/powerless. it would make sense as to why naobito had a lot of sons, ig, as head of clan

i feel so bad that if one of the factors that can caused heavenly restriction is inbreeding,, toji and maki and mai had no say in how they wanted to be born but are scorned for it,, typical asian families projecting their traumas and ideals onto their kids but get mad when they realize that those ideals are ugly...😁😁😁

since the zenin are conservative,, i wonder if they still hold onto old jpnese dining traditions. where in ancient jpn, hierarchical relationships were made readily apparent even within families. a dining table where everybody sat down and ate as equals would be unheard of. rather, each individual is given their own table that indicates their status,,, someone who is not considered “strong” according to the zenin’s views most likely have no place at the table, and probs eat when those who are “strong” finished/ serve them when they are eating

if toji was tossed into a swarm of curses,, i dont think abuse during said time is below them,,,

the zenin clan was already great, but they further amassed power and strength by, what i assume to be, marrying and adopting powerful individuals into the clan 🤔 ,,, i imagine they're like the hiiragi but without doing what they did to shinya (ons reference)

BUT after all that, i like to think that since akutami’s a big horror fan, jjk might be an outlet to explore said topics or even darker ones, so i wouldnt be that surpised abt it. given that there’s more than enough “red flags” before this was dropped : a reference to “tale of hikaru genji” when a grown woman asked for gojou’s number in HI arc (out of all things); granny who transformed into the man’s daughter, sat on his lap and man just touched her waist; mei mei and ui ui ; and...this (incestous theme is in the novel btw)

lets not start with whatever the fuck in kubo’s head in the interview otherwise i’m writing paragraphs with every curse words possible,, those big 3 mangakas are so— UGH,, a planet w out (cis) men like him sounds real good rn 😌 if one of yall out there decide to do it,, pls hmu rly cant do this shit anymore

akutami said i like my men pretty and i like women who will step on my neck and spit in my face (I REMEMBERED TATSUKI FUJIMOTO’S INTERVIEW WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABT MAKIMA AND IT WAS SO 😭😭😭😭) but ykw,, love that for both of them <3

when i said 3 : one piece, bleach, naruto. aside from the blatant depiction/ characterize of women in those 3,, idk if some ppl arent aware yet but oda is friends with two (2) convicted pedos,, man...the major disappointment and disgust when i first find out abt it

anyways this is just my 2 cents (which i think rightfully belong to the trash can) so pls just take this w a lil to no grain of salt - 🐱

YEAH THE ♡ LMFAO I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A “good answer ♡“ heart BUT NOW IM RE-EXAMINING?????

honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if the three clans practiced inbreeding. but ik people are going to be  😡😡😡😡😡 about it when the queen of fucking england is literally married to her (something) cousin. i’m not justifying it but like....love the double standards, just as always with the west 😍

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT FUCKING PED* LIST THEY SHOULD ALL BE IN JAIL. JAILLLLL. it’s all so gross. that’s why i fucking hate when people look towards manga for positive representation because the chances of that are super slim to zero, especially since the industry is saturated with misogyny and ped******* and a lot of other gross stuff.

i think ppl forget jjk is a horror manga LOL so obviously it’s going to confront darker themes. the question is whether it’s going to be done tastefully or not......

[thirstybtsthoughts]

Bunny I really need big sister advice here.

So, I'm in the bathroom and the door is locked, I went in to make some pleasure in this Tae professor fic I just read... and so I'm enjoying, as one would say, and then I search on twitter for bulges in suits coz thats a kink of mine and it kinda went with the taehyung professor theme... and so I'm scrolling and sprawled out with my hand in use, then my THIRTEEN year old sister says my name as she UNLOCKS THE DOOR WITH HER NAIL, AND straight up just strolls in and stares at me like a foot away. And in the panic, I closed my bare legs, sat there like I was peeing, and tried to not act suspicious.

I yell at her to stay out if the door is locked, and she gets mad at me and leaves. NO PRIVACY IN THIS HOUSE, SMH!!! But then I look down at my phone and realize I forgot something. I left my screen on. MY SCREEN ON. AS THERE'S SOME DUDE ON THE TIMELINE STROKING HIS BULGE,,, my eyes were scanning to make sure I hid everything that could look suspicious in under a second, so i couldn't see if she got a glimpse of it.

My sister is in this weird phase where she's hyper freaked out at anything that makes her think innapropriate thoughts. Idk, maybe its because she's going through puberty and it scares her because she doesn't like this new unknown thing (I was the same way when I was younger for some reason), and it also could be that we're in a very religious and conservative household, so she could be under some self-inflicted impression that its "dirty" or "wrong" to have innapropriate thoughts. But like... its the kid version of dirty. They don't even know what to think yet. For example, we don't watch aquaman anymore because she said to my mom that the shape of his pants makes her look there and it bothers her. This girl... *sigh*

So now I'm sitting here lowkey freaking out. I can't ask my mom to tell her to knock off just ENTERING THE LOCKED BATHROOMS whenever she wants, because then my mom would be like ??? Why is it bothering you extra??? And then she'd know thats usually where I'll go to have privacy so I can do things. I'm twenty years old.

So I tried to continue and refocus on the fantasy of professor Tae again when I was back alone, because I was literally just gonna climax when that scary interruption barged in. I was shaky and akward and felt exposed and so uncomfortable from it. And then my mom walks past, pounding on the door and giving me a heart attack. "Who's in the bathroom rn??" She shouts. Again, yanked my hand away, turned off my phone, and closed my legs JUST IN CASE. I weakly respond "me", and then I freaked out a little again, because my voice was kinda whimpery since I got close to climaxing again and had to panic and stop immediately.

My whole family is really comfortable and casual about just getting things when they need them from cubbords and stuff, but my sister doesn't even knock to ask if its alright. I swear, she does it just to bug me.

Gosh i'm getting off track.

Anyway, I'm scared that I scarred my sister, or if she's gonna hyperfixate and obsess about it in secret now. I don't want her to freak out more than she does. And I really don't want my mom to know that I'll occasionally watch things on my phone. She'll take it to "help me stop" probably, even if I'm a grown woman.

So like... any advice on how to adress this situation? I'm so sorry, I'm just so sick of this. There's NOWHERE I can have the full guarentee of privacy, not even my room. No locks on doors, everyone waltzes in because no one would think anyone is hiding something. but so far I've never been walked in on or caught until now. It felt exposing, even if she thought I was just using the bathroom, and I really didn't like it. I feel embarrased now, that could have gone so bad.

~ 🌸

Wow... I know privacy is hard when living with family but opening locked doors and walking into a bathroom when someone is inside?!... maybe it's a norm in some households, I don't know, but I do feel for you that you really do have no privacy at all.

About your sis - I'm sorry to say it but I kind of feel like she had it coming for walking in on you like that. She shouldn't have done it. Hopefully she didn't see your phone or anything, at 13 though, she's old enough to get a gist of what might have been happening. She will get past this phase of being uncomfortable with things like it, you went through it too, so you would know. I assume it's something she (and you) got from your upbringing around your family's conservative views. Try not to worry about her too much, she'll figure things out as she grows and learns more. If you really want to, you could talk to her about not walking in when people are using the bathroom, but that would involve the risk of her bringing up what she may have seen and thinking about it more. I don't know what else to say about it, it's how your family is, and I feel that if you were to bring up the topic of privacy in a conversation with them it would backfire on you as they would want to know why it's an issue and why you want more privacy.

Do you drive? Have a car? Maybe that's somewhere you could do it. I used to wait until there was no one home and then use those few rare times to play with myself. Otherwise I just restrained from doing so. I never really properly explored myself until I was 27 and moved out though. I also never had privacy, I shared a room when I was at home, have a big family, and our bathroom is too echoey for anything and there's always someone walking by 😭. So I get the no privacy thing. Another thing is to wait until the dead of night when you know they're all asleep, but I know thats risky as every sound at night feels loud af 😩. Your only other option may be to move out...but that's a big step to take just for the sake of being able to masturbate in peace. It's your choice how to handle things, you know your family best. 💜💜💜

[thewhizzyhead]

you very much Should Keep going (if you’d like) I’m reading your tags like 👀👀👀 I wanna know More!!!

dude believe me i only just thought up 90% 9f this while doing my math homework last night so yea this is very barebones and this is very very new have very little to offer but um imma try to explain a bit more fjdjdc SO ANYWAYS GRADE 11

Warning: this is very long and I am very sorry aaAAAA also i only just thought of this last night and a while ago while attending class so um yea it's chaotic.

the songs i've mentioned so far in the tag ramble aren't um consecutive so yeah there are a lot of blank spaces in between fjsjsj and yea I haven't figured out the other leads and their arcs yet (probably 5-6 leads). for now um the planned songs feature 3 of the leads:

Kate - basically answers the question of What If Eva Sanchez Was The Protagonist and What If Eva Sanchez Saw The Hell That Is Don't Even (in this show, this song is called "Anakpota?" or "The Fuck?"); she's a transferee and is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the new school environment; her reasons for transferring run a bit deeper than just "humanities is a lot more interesting than stem or business shits"; i guess her main character themes are burnout, the want for childlike wonder again and overcoming the fear that comes with chasing what you really want and no i am definitely not self projecting what are you guys talking about smh rhhdhs /hj (altho i admit that this is loosely based on my own experience with deciding to transfer schools) and yea she's a very closeted lesbian that slowly starts to comes out to others and to herself more throughout the course of the show. and also she gets a girlfriend YAY

Noel - rn i don't have that much planned out for him cause u know barebones plot but so far um i guess he's the chill dude, overall good guy, rantaro amami from danganronpa v3 vibes, and he's initially framed as the "love interest" for Kate esp in the song "Ikaw Ba Ay..." or "Are You..." (i wanted that to be a play on the typical Filipino Teen Hetero Romance CAUSE THAT SHIT IS IN EVERYWHERE JFJSJD I AM GONNA MAKE A WHOLEASS RANT ON THAT SOON AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME) but surprise motherfucker BOTH OF THEM ARE GAY AND BOTH BOND OVER IT AND BECOME BEST FRIENDS YAY WOOOO i kinda want him to be like the typical "Filipino Teen Heartthrob" star student with the twist being that he's gay and not make that a throwaway joke cause um yea that's a throwaway joke here that someone who is real catch for the heteros but is actually gay is "sayang" or "worthless" here.

Ella - ngl she is probably gonna end up as the main lead here fjdjd i'd say she has riley+chess vibes aka The School's Hotshot Achiever and Student Leader That Is Very Intimidating But Is Actually Really Freaking Kind and i guess with a dash of Kate Dalton-ish snark. Like i said the plot is barebones rn so i dunno anything but i do imagine them being the one that drives the plot forward due to her outspokenness. I also imagine her to be the one (along with Noel) that makes Kate a lil bit more comfortable with her sexuality and yup you guessed it Ella is gay too (bi to be specific oh and she uses she/they pronouns) and altho still a bit closeted, they're a bit more comfy with it. also they become Kate's gf yay!

those are the leads that i have kinda planned out so far but yea i still gotta expound kna lot of atuff and make up more leads for this but then again i just started conceptualizing this last night so ANYWAYS HERE ARE THE OTHERS SONGS THAT I LITERALLY JUST THOUGHT UP LAST NIGHT (aside from the ones already mentioned)

+ "Nakakapanibago" or "Well This Is New" - Ella and Kate work together on a school project aaand gay panic ensues. both of them take turns in addressing the audience and panicking over each other in um er an "Oh My God She's Very Fucking Cute What The Fuck" way. it kinda has What Is This Feeling from Wicked vibes if you remove the aggression and antagonization jdjsd and i kinda emphasize on how overwhelmed they are cause for Kate, everything - from the school to the subjects to the people - is new and her attraction to Ella is like a cherry bomb on top of a chaos cake while for Ella, who has studied in the school since kindergarten which is why nothing about the school fazes her anymore, Kate is a literal breath of fresh air and the spontaneity scares them and excites them at the same time. The number is comedic (and is chance for me to add a shit ton of wordplay cause yAY WORDPLAY) but i guess also hints at their fears which will definitely come into play later.

+ "Mabuting Laban" or "Good Fight" - a group number led by Ella, this is the first song in the musical that isn't mostly comedic. like um the musical so far (before this song) is mostly somewhat of a parody-just-for-laughs-don't-take-this-seriously piece but with this, the show finally hints to something a lot more serious and insightful. so basically ella tells kate (this scene comes right after the Nakakapanibago sequence) that they have noticed that the latter is um very very shocked at the blatant show of LGBTQ+ stuff. Kate mentions that altho many students have since then spoke up for LGBTQ+ acceptance, things were a lot more conservative back in her former school (once again wooo definitely not self projection /hj) so like seeing all this is very new to her. Ella then mentions that things weren't always like that - a lot of fighting had to be done in order to get to that point. and because most of the students already were branded with a rebellious reputation (for a lot of delinquent behavior), they really didn't give a fuck anymore if they were being controversial or not. What mattered was that they would make the school environment a lot more welcoming for themselves and for others. That sentiment is also shared by other leads singing along as they go out of their way to ensure a much better environment for everyone (in terms of lgbtq+ rights, undoing the stigmatization of mental health matters, student activism yadda yadda)

(oh and also this kinda serves as something that bridges the prejudices between the two schools since Ella's school is famous for a lot of student delinquency while Kate's former school is famous for being known as the "Best School In The Region With The Best Students" (which is why Ella understands why the students in Kate's school are a bit more hesitant to speak up because Kate's former schoolmates got way too much to lose) and the rivalry those schools have with each other cause students from ella's school think those from kate's school are pompous little shits while those from kate's school think that ella's schoolmates are delinquents and yes this is commentary on the dynamic my former school'scstudents and my current school's students share) (i should probably give this its own song)

+ "Ayoko" or " I Don't Want It" - (this does not come right after Mabuting Laban fjsjd i honestly dunno where to put this) this comes right after a conversation regarding her reputation in her former school and yea this is Kate poking fun at the "I Want" song musical trope. Like um she addresses the audience saying something along the lines of "oooohh wow complicated backstory exposition! you are probably expecting a song rn ala "How Far I'll Go" from Moana but guess what bitches fuck you all cause i'm gonna sing a song about the things I don't want just to fucking annoy you." it starts off as incredibly satirical and um Kate Dalton-vibes all throughout the scene with lots of pettiness which will then gradually transition to her singing about how she threw all the opportunities presented to her by the former school just because she really didn't want to do them and was tired of saying "yes" just to be enough for them. She then starts singing about her taking control of her own narrative by finally leaving the school. She still laments about those lost opportunities and admits that she still kinda wants to pursue those, but if she has to sacrifice rest for greatness, then she doesn't want it. The song ends with a verse akin to most I Want songs as she finally admits what she really wants the most: rest and wonder.

also here's a verse i made up just a while ago

Diyos ko, sabihin mo, ano pa ang kailangan kong gawin/upang mabawi ang mga ninakaw sa akin/upang maibalik ang pag-asang nawala/upang sa wakas ako'y makakapagpahinga/sapagkat hindi na ako nagnanais ng kadakilaan/ang hinihingi ko lamang ay ang aking kabataan

translation (i'll try my best to make it rhyme): My God, tell me, what else do i have to do/so I can take back all that they have taken from me/so that I can bring back the hope I've long so been deprived of/so that for once in my life, I'll be able to breathe/ cause I no longer want all the greatness that you say I could've had/ I only want to wonder, I only want my childhood back

+ "Halos Lagi Nalang"or "Almost Always The Same" - if this sounds familiar yes i rambled about this before gjdjdjd I started conceptualizing this song even before i even started conceptualizing the musical. So yea this is in Act 2 the song starts with mentioning the exhaustion that comes with being an LGBTQ+ teen in the philippines cause yup same old conservative religious bullshit same old same old shit and despite many a lot of people advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, nothing ever changes around here because well conservative religious bullshit. so yea this is kind of an extension of "Good Fight" but make it more about the burnout felt by a lot of teens that want something better than whatever we have right now. Then it will also apply to the other causes that the leads fight for (activism,destigmatization of mental health stuffs, etc). I'd say it's a combination of Before the Breakdown + Move On musically speaking (yea PMA has influenced me by a LOT). eventually this becomes one of the star numbers fo the show cause yea all the leads will do a shit ton of singing and harmonizing (but for here i'd say Noel and Kate have a tiny bit more of the spotlight since for now they are the ones with the very LGBTQ+ based plotlines). I really REEAAALLY want this song to work aaaa i've been playing around with the melody a lot recently and if i can't write the whole musical, then i'll be content with at the very least writing this song

+ "Try Lang Natin" or "Let's Try It Out" - this is a very barebones sequence atm but basically it's a scene where both Kate and Ella come to terms with their fears related to uncertainty and go "fuck it we don't know jackshit about the future anyway so why not ondulge a bit and ejoy what we have today" and decide to start going out with each other YAYYYYY and also this is like one of the few scenes here were Ella is much more visibly nervous compared to everyone else in the scene so yay for helping each other come to terms with their own vulnerabilities WOOOOO (also paige i remember you saying once that kate and eva could've had a Forever reprise duet right? And correct me if i'm wrong but i think u said it could be about eva assuring kate that she won't go anywhere? WELP I'M STEALING THAT JFJSJJDF /lh /hj AND YUP KATE AND ELLA ARE BASICALLY UM KINDA KATEVA IF YOU SQUINT SO THANK YOU PAIGE FOR THAT IDEAAAA)

AND THAT'S IT SO FAR WOO THIS TOOK ME 5 HOURS TO TYPE IT ALL OUT FJDJSJFF i'm kinda impressed with this ngl considering that i literally started making this up last night and i hope that i can make something out of it woo

And if you guys somehow reached the end of the post and have read every single thing, I'm sending you a lot of hugs and a lot of milkshakes

[retrorealeyes]

Here’s why I want my parents dead /hj

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE like I know hating your parents if they aren’t overtly abusive (and even if they are it’s only mildly) like bruh, tempted to list out my parents “abuse” here. also like bruh, i’m fine rn, i’ve just been hating them for a while

This isn’t fully everything ever, it’s just an overview and I don’t think it touches the main problems enough (also I don’t give a lot of examples because there’s too many and I don’t have the will to write em all,and i’ve still overviewing everything)

-never respect my wishes if it goes against theirs (e.x. please leave me alone, can i go outside?, can I leave and go upstairs?)

             this is a big one

-don’t respect my privacy (in weird ways too, like my dad opening the door to scare me when i’m changing) and making fun of it too

          plus in normal ways like reading my journals or never knocking no matter how many times i tell them to

-making fun of me on purpose to get me upset, even when i ask them to stop

-getting suddenly and violently angry (dad):

           often unreasonably and quickly

          my dad curses people out under his breath, as a sign he’s going to get violent

          has broken things, SUCH AS MY WHOLE ASS PHONE by throwing it on the ground does punch things, generally not people, e.x. walls, but not that hard. he has punched me

          DOES to people- slap, push (this one especially, just last week he did), throw, scratch

          is destructive to other’s property (e.x. ripping up THEIR papers)

          refuses to listen to suggestions like, in the future, trying to calm down, or writing out his anger instead or seeking therapy

          been like this towards me since i was 6-7 years old

          it can escalate from anything

          will degrade you and insult you, if you ever say anything back (even in a non-angry situation, will grow even angrier/get very angry)

          makes you feel awful

          can last for hours and never accomplishes anything apart from further degrading yourself

          if you don’t give the exact answer he wants, will get even angrier

             I’m obviously terrified of him

               Swears at me, except they censor me so much they could probably kill me if I ever swore so that exacerbates the fear of it

          after the fact continuosly denies it

-my dad also:

           always demands respect

          always plays the victim and complains about how we dislike him

          never admits his mistakes

          is awful to my little sister, randomly, even when she’s being perfectly fine

-my mother and father’s relationship

             they openly and mean to each other. they never display affection and joke about divorcing

             sometimes dad yells at mom for a while, it’s obvious he thinks he’s superior to her and belittles her intelligence

             they are sometimes violent, but not often, and not overtly, more violent towards objects than each other when fighting with each other

             they do get in fights often (see: my dad’s belief in his superiority)

-openess with them

             there is none. they constantly criticize any self expression, make all subjects taboo, get angry over nothing and overall make me terrified of talking to them, then get all sad about “why don’t you tell us“ but if I try to express anything, even if they don’t get angry, they’ll store it in their heads and then later keep using it against me. “You said we were bad parents, do you not want to eat our food?“ “You said you were unmotivated, you don’t even have a reason to be sad.“ (said in an challenging, mean way)

-my self esteem

-my dad, physically (TO BE CLEAR I don’t think my dad in any way in trying to do anything sexual, i’m just saying he never respects my boundaries and here are some things he thinks are “perfectly fine” that he does, also this might be a bit disconnected sounding, i’m just so tired

          commenting on my weight/appearance (mom too)

             commenting on what i’m wearing, especially teasing me if it’s something out of the usual, as if i’m not insecure enough already

             dictating what i wear if they don’t like what i’m wearing

             commenting (negatively) on my mom’s weight a lot (to be fair, they both joke about being old and him balding and a little about him being fat so this one isn’t as bad apart form the fact that i’m skinnier so he “jokes” a lot about how i’m like a skinnier version of her)

                fatso called the girl in the video

             forces me to hug and kiss him, often only giving my phone back or treats luke donuts if I kiss him, even if I’ve expressed i’m uncomfortable (just does this a lot and i hate it)

-the past

             have yelled for me for no reason since i was young

             i don’t remember ever liking my dad (wait, before 6 years of age i remember liking him and before I was 9 i remember not hating him at all times)

             i continously try to trust them again, then they break me

               they were never open with me and taught me to be ashamed of myself which led to bad social relations later, which i’m only now breaking out of

-confiscation and lack of trust

               always taking my stuff so i can’t rely on what they’ll black mail me with, no “excuse” is valid to keep it (ex. I want to communicate w/friends or I LITERALLY HAVE INSOMNIA AND CAN’T SLEEP WITHOUT LISTENING TO MUSIC); during my worst days, when I was really suicidal i remember not having my phone for a long time which led to me being left behind and further isolating myself which, y’know spiralled

               I can go on and on about how they never value my voice but i’m sort of running out of steam

               they also never trust my statements, always cast me as the cause-r of something (luckily they’re fair and don’t punish me for it if I insist I didn’t do it, but the fact i have to really advocate for my innocence and am constantly suspected just is not great, and even jokingly, i hate attention, their attention)

                 There’s more but i think i’m done for now

-constantly bother me (i know this is nitpicking, i’m just trying to get everything out, and some of these have more layers than i’m willing to express)

               intentionally sabotaging

               even if i ask them to go away

               try to annoy me when ever i see them, even if i’ve asked them not too, and really make me avoid everything even more (you have to go through where they usually are to get out and that means y’know what)

               singing

               yelling and stepping loudly (which makes me scared my dad is mad all the time)

               always teasing and judging

-mother dearest

               very aggressive

               VERY controlling

               generally boring

               always invades privacy, more of a nosy person, but, in a way, better than dad

               she can get violent too and screams but it’s less often but can get very intense sometimes, generally it’s more of taking away my stuff and telling me to give up (which, the telling me to give up, my dad does too)

-lack of independence

                THIS ONE IS HUGE. my parents are very controlling and so even a little freedom excites me and they use my lack of experience as a sword against me, and that makes it eve harder for me to do anything when I’m constantly fighting restrictions and my brains can’t distinguish bad restrictions from schoolwork restrictions

-shitty world view

               just a bad biased view of the world, i really don’t want to elaborate, beyond the general sense they deserve to be respected for being parents a conservative-type view, also don’t have basic sense of morality, as in sympathy, for everyone, and instead do the whole us|them thing with their politics, the only problem is that we’re immigrants which is why they vote democrat

-grandparents

                 are visiting, they are also unhygienic, to always be obeyed, generally judgemental, and intentionally old, and taking up both of my rooms, overall i don’t like any of them, my father’s mom is alright though

-generally shaming me

And otherwise everything is generally going to shit, my social life (though I saved it somewhat for ONE person), my mental/emotional health, my exercise, motivation for anything, just the way the house is set up, my grandparents are here, how i’m doing in school.

I should write the thesis and really flesh this out well but I’ll tell you what: ultimately my parents are selfish people who don’t consider me my own entity but more as themselves and my achievements combined. ANd even if you love me, which I don’t doubt, I don’t have to love you back, and that doesn’t excuse your shittiness, dad. I fucking hate you. (yes. i’m grateful for the money, house, generally not obviously abusive childhood, food, stuff, bed, phone, etc. you have provided, but that doesn’t cancel out your misdeeds, it just coexists next to it)

Like is it SO bad for me to blame SOME of my issues with them? BUT NO if I ever bring up how they did x so i did y. I did y ON PURPOSE to UPSET THEM and i can’t hold them accountable, i’m just blaming them, even if I’m genuinely trying to explain my issues the way I understand them.

idr if you can edit tumblr documents, and even if you can, i’m not going to, i’ll just add to this with comments, to preserve the integrity, not that anyone will or should read this, but i’ll probably come back to it

[nullcoast]

I think the main problem in progressive spaces rn is that ppl want to be oppressed and be the most morally righteous. Just hear me out. I’m gonna lay out some base assumptions with examples and then use them to say what I mean.

Identity is seen as the only indication of whether someone can have an opinion on a topic. Certainly, trans people’s voices should be elevated in conversations about trans topics, and more attention should be given to minorities within the trans community BUT: that is ONLY because EXPERIENCE informs understanding. They know more because they’ve lived it. It does NOT mean that a cis person can’t be as educated (or MORE educated) than a trans person on trans topics. (ex: a cis person who’s idk friends with a bunch of vocal nbs vs a transmed) (ex in a different area: an upper middle class Marxist vs a working class trump supporter) Also, if I am to assume that, say, black women are always more right about issues relating to racism than I am, where does that leave Candace Owens?

Separatism— especially on the basis of who is more oppressed— is scary common in progressive spaces. ESPECIALLY lgbt. Ace discourse, q-slur, pansexuality, etc. are all examples of topics that I see talked about MULTIPLE times a day. This one is complicated because, while talking about intersectionality can be very very important, it’s soooo fucking counterproductive when it’s the main part of your “”progressivism””, especially since it’s being done wrong. What it inevitably leads to is people having to compensate for their apparent lack of oppression by claiming that OTHER people are less oppressed.

Virtue signaling and performative, empty arguments are the bulk of online progressive discourse. I think this is because in online spaces, there’s pressure to always have the correct, most morally superior opinions. And more popularity and acceptance and love are given to people who appear to be the most morally righteous. I DONT think it’s deliberate, or that ppl are acting with malintent. I think ppl want to be accepted and this is how they’ve been taught to get acceptance in online spaces. Especially since (and I don’t mean any offense here) the ppl most invested in these spaces don’t have a lot going for them irl. Essentially, it’s not enough to constantly denounce open conservatives—everyone knows they’re bad— you have to denounce ppl who are closer to u in belief so u can elevate urself further and get more acceptance.

What all of these leads to is a bunch of (usually very young, impressionable) people who have been oppressed by the society they live in, aching for acceptance and affirmation of their experience. The way they get that is through the behaviors/beliefs described above. The form their beliefs take varies, but it’s almost always revolving around lgbt issues and issues of race or religion, which really fucking sucks because those are the most vulnerable people in our society. But, as explained, that’s why this happens. There’s very very little talk about how to actively improve the material conditions of these groups (that’s called dialtecial materialism), and when there is it’s always guilt-tripy. I plain and simple do not see unity or collectivism happening. I just fucking don’t. Not unless I’m looking in explicitly leftist spaces, and even then it’s usually fucked in a lot of ways.

So anyway the reason I made this is bc I myself did this a lot and I’m working on not doing it anymore. And I really, really want to see the people I care about working together to address material issues we face. It’s not enough to say x group is more oppressed because of y, you have to do something about it and work with x group and others as a UNIT. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere, and all that.

[xlady-saya]

I want this touch to be familiar [Ch. 3]

Relationships: andrew/neil, side aaron/katelyn

Summary: Deep down, Andrew knew he would always reach this crossroads, a time where the thought became too strong to ignore.

Going all the way with Neil. It’s not something he can continue to avoid thinking about. When Andrew looks back to the days where he held Neil’s hands down, when he never got off with him in the same room, he’s forced to acknowledge how much he’s allowed.

Not allowed. Welcomed. Wanted.

But that’s not all there is to it, and the desire to make a decision finally makes itself known.

Tags: first time fic, p*rn with feelings, relationship study, fluff and communication, multichapter

Read on ao3!

They do in fact, kick Kevin out.

To say it's extremely satisfying is an understatement, and Andrew doesn't try to deny himself the feeling. In this case, it's deserved, and a long time coming.

Kevin's not happy about it, especially since they offer him no further explanation. They've never asked for privacy so explicitly; Andrew never realized it before, how they’re used to accommodating everyone else, used to waiting until Kevin and the Foxes aren’t around to have their time to themselves.

Rushed, heated, timed.

This had been different. This time Andrew let himself be greedy. Nicky at least reads the mood well enough to make himself scarce. Andrew doesn’t care about the teasing; he’s adamant about his reasons, the need to carve out time to navigate this new experience. Not only that...but something possessive and antsy fuels him in the moment. This is just for him and Neil.

He won't risk a walk in and a hasty cover up.

All Andrew has to do is drop Thea's name and threaten to do Neil in the locker room for Kevin to finally get the damn hint and fuck off.

Dealing with Kevin is familiar territory, even post their deal. It's nicer, letting him fend for himself while not cutting the relationship loose entirely, but Andrew's concept of friendship is one he's still exploring and definitely not something he needs to think about right now.

Right now...right now is not familiar territory.

He walks back to the bedroom as Kevin mutters about having to leave, out of Andrew's mind before he's even out of sight.

He's distracted, so focused, lost.

There are glimpses of the familiarity he craves though, remembered through his own fingertips and his memory. The promise of soft lips and scars that follow the curve of a runner's body, hips pressed down and warmth. Neil.

Neil, who is ready and fresh from an extra long shower.

As soon as he crosses into the bedroom, the presence is electric, Andrew almost thinks the static will shoot from his fingertips. He doesn't know how Neil ever survived on the run, how he ever blended in. His everything is loud. Before the slam of the front door even echoes through the dorm room, Andrew's eyes are on him. It would almost be amusing, seeing the little jump of Neil's shoulders at the intensity, if he wasn't so taken by the mere sight of him.

Of course he finds his gaze already returned by the striker, all fire and an almost beckoning quality.

Nicky would probably call the look 'fuck me eyes,' and for once Andrew is inclined to agree.

He intends to.

A shiver runs down his spine at the thought; he watches Neil bite his bottom lip, plush beneath his teeth, and Andrew licks his own from the muscle memory. He’s chased after those lips so many times…He wants to bite down, to claim them, as if he has to. Neil only ever looks at him, and the fantasy already begins to cloud Andrew's mind.

He’s it for Neil, Andrew’s brain tells him then, stroking the flame. His first. Andrew pushes that thought away, too optimistic, too ideal, and fiercely territorial. The thought he’ll have Neil forever…it’s too much to bring into the equation.

Especially when Neil won't stop rubbing his fucking thighs together.

The striker squirms in place on the bed, not subtle in the slightest as he checks Andrew out from head to toe. Neil lingers on the line of Andrew’s shoulders, swallowing a second after. Andrew revises; nothing about Neil is subtle these days, so he shouldn’t be this surprised.  That smart, short-tempered mouth and looks which attract the whole crowd at Eden's.

And yet, Neil never gave a damn about anyone else.

Right then, the reminder cracks the walls around him.

Because they both think about this. They both want. Neil doesn't try to hide from him.

Nerves, excitement, and all the things Andrew cannot express are reflected back at him with how Neil leans back without thinking about it, stretching out.

When Andrew huffs the ghost of a laugh, his walls beginning to crumble, Neil's eyes brighten in interest.

This is ridiculous. It's so ridiculous, because Neil should be the farthest thing from sexy right then. He's in his armbands and one of Andrew's old ratty shirts, the one he's told Neil time and time again to throw away but to no avail. The loose threads and dulled color bring Andrew back to a time where Neil only wore old, thrifted clothes. Too big around the shoulders, neckline distorted, but Neil clings to it for comfort, not necessity. Not because he has nothing else or has to conserve his money.

'It's yours,' had been Neil's only explanation.

And can Andrew talk, with the chain around his neck?

Neil's wearing those heinous cargo shorts Matt bought him, with only one sock on his foot. The fool would dress like this everyday, with no sense of matching or cohesiveness, if Andrew didn't pick his damn outfits.

There's nothing like what's in the movies; nice suits, tailored clothes, lingerie...

It's the farthest thing from a fantasy. But this Neil, in all his mundanity, is nothing short of a wet dream to Andrew. The other end of a leash. The striker must notice the change, the darkening of Andrew's eyes, and the small whimper goes straight to Andrew's cock.

Oh yes, the only problem with Neil's clothes is the fact they're still on.

As he slams the door to the bedroom shut, it finally hits Andrew what they're about to try. Of course, they've talked about it, planned it, he's known for days. Regardless, the air around him feels like glass, making it hard to move but easy to break if he tries. This tension...it's terrible and exhilarating all at once.

Neil knows just how to push him to get him moving; he stops squirming long enough to spread his legs, leaving the perfect slot for Andrew to fit, and that's when the glass shatters.

There's a lot in his head as he stalks towards Neil, throwing off his jacket in the process. Roland's advice exchanged over texts, his own research, and countless conversations. And yet above it all is just Neil, Neil, Neil.

Andrew doesn't have time to linger on how he doesn't even hesitate to pull off his shirt, to be so exposed in front of someone without a second thought. His armbands stay; he’s not quite sure he can handle that along with what they’re about to do. Neil's sharp intake of breath at the sight of his abs, his biceps, is enough to override any of that.

Neil surges up to meet him.

Andrew's hands fly to Neil's shoulders as their lips meet, like a punch of desperation. Neil, as always pushes back against Andrew, as if to challenge him. Andrew is almost positive he does it on purpose, just so Andrew will show his strength. He pushes Neil back down onto the bed, and Neil’s excited gasp proves him right. The urge to corral all the limitless energy buzzing beneath Neil's skin is so strong Andrew doesn’t know what to do about it. He wants to expend it all, make Neil boneless and sated.

He growls and nips Neil's bottom lip, boxing him in without pressing down. Where to start? He wants to do it all.

'Don't rush into it,' Roland's voice says, and Andrew fights the urge to kick it to the curb, to force it away with such viciousness it astounds him. He doesn't want to think about anything else, just this, just Neil moaning yes for things Andrew hasn't asked yet. He just wants to have.

Neil's groan is way too filthy for just a kiss and is not helping to make his self-control any easier. Andrew coaxes Neil's tongue out slowly in response, bringing their pace down if only slightly. Slow, patient. He knows the bartender was right, he can't rush this. He needs Neil to be relaxed, feeling good...

Andrew’s brain starts to fill with all the reminders, the advice.

His brain unhelpfully states that he should be feeling that way too, should be turned on, but rigidness begins to creep into his veins anyways. No, no. He can’t fixate on that. He forces it to the back of his mind, but he knows his body language betrays him. He keeps Neil's hands pinned to the mattress with one of his own, unable to handle the touch, and he holds the strikers jaw with the other. He forgot how this feels, the need to keep Neil restrained. It's been so long...

He licks into Neil's mouth to distract him, teasingly, like he's mapping it out. He can't deny it feels so warm, burning, the whine he rips from Neil's throat for his actions. The sloppiest of kisses, just because he can, just because it makes Neil's hips twitch.

Yes, get worked up for me.

This is what needs to happen, but...

Next. Next, next--

The rustle of the condoms he laid out on the bed calls his attention, so does the new bottle next to them. Research...foreplay, slow, steady, now?

He gets lost in the kiss, but his actions lose their sense of purpose. Stalling. He pins Neil's tongue down, tries to draw out those delicious sounds so they drown out his erratic heartbeat, his thoughts.

"Andrew..."

The sound of Neil's voice is muffled, like it's underwater. Oh, this is definitely unfamiliar. Neil’s voice has never failed to be a lighthouse in the stormy bay.

He's not hard, he realizes. Andrew's not hard. Even with Neil nearly rutting against him, taken apart by just a kiss...he's...

The arousal surges only to be snuffed out by his own distraction each time, his own fixation on how he needs this to go down. Minimal damage.

But if it doesn't feel good...

It should, because it's Neil. With Neil, it's never supposed to be about a checklist.

It's just--

Andrew freezes when Neil's hands tremble beneath his, a weak, almost questioning attempt to pull free. He pulls back, staring down at Neil's eyes, already clouded and drowsy with how Andrew makes him feel.

Andrew pauses a moment, considering before he lets Neil free. Neil’s slow about it, sliding his hands out from under Andrew’s, feeling the calloused skin like it’s all he wants. Andrew lets him look his fill. The trust is no longer the issue.

And god, Neil is so damn nosy about everything. In how he tracks Andrew's face, searching again and finding...something. Neil turns his head into his shoulder, suppressing a grin.

Andrew nearly scowls. What are you smiling about?

If he's being honest, trying to get into Neil's head is one of the biggest challenges there is in his life, and it's self-created. He need only ask to receive, but Neil also doesn’t leave him waiting.

Neil's hands move purposefully, where Andrew can see and track them. They still just above Andrew's shoulders, and with a whispered ‘yes’ from Andrew’s lips, they slide down, rubbing tantalizing circles along his muscles.

He jolts from it, and Neil’s smile brightens.

Andrew’s one giant knot of tension; he hadn't even realized it, but then Neil starts undoing the chords. Andrew allows himself a slow exhale, and Neil swipes his tongue over the column of his throat. Andrew's cock twitches in interest for the first time, and Neil’s lips curve against his skin.

Someone with a penchant for starting fights should not have this calming effect.

One of Neil's hands comes to tangle in the silver chain around Andrew's neck, pulling him closer. Tease, a menace even.

Andrew is completely entranced.

Neil nips the underside of his chin before pulling back, not breaking eye contact as he hooks two fingers into his own waistband. Andrew's breathing stops, and Neil strips off his shorts and underwear in one alluring movement. Neil's not a master at seduction, he simply knows what gets under Andrew's skin.

Those damn legs.

“Hm?” Neil hums as his knee lightly brushes against Andrew's groin, pausing to apply pressure, and oh...Neil should not be so good at this.

It leaves Andrew feeling a little conflicted; where did Neil learn this?

Once, while wiping Andrew's cum from the corner of his lips, Neil had simply said 'My mind might not be the fastest learner, but the rest of me is.'

This whole thing applies. If Neil senses Andrew's nerves, he seldom comments on it, but he never hesitates to start trying to help.

'Help' even when it's him being a shit.

"Come here." Neil's words are not a soft encouragement, nor are they a command. It's like it's a fact, a prophecy, like there isn't another direction Andrew can possibly go. Andrew glares at him, thinks about defying him just because, but the rigidness from before is almost gone. There's a tightness in his abdomen, a heat. Arousal, not wariness.

Also, Neil is very naked from the waist down, and very willing.

So Andrew lets himself be led back up, standing at the side of the bed while Neil gets comfortable, situating his face right in front of Andrew's fly. He tries not to let his interest show too much, but he guesses he fails when Neil smirks up at him. With practiced movements, Neil makes sure Andrew gives him a ‘yes’ before hastily undoing his belt and pants, the hunger in his eyes nearly too much. He pulls Andrew's half-hard cock out, shoving his pants down enough to bite at the V of Andrew's hips.

Andrew grunts at the feeling of Neil's breath against him, the striker’s hand wrapping firmly around his cock and spitting on it to slick it up. Andrew's hand finds Neil's hair automatically, like he's used to doing when Neil goes to suck him off. Neil loves the encouragement, writhes from it.

When Neil hands him the bottle of lube, Andrew gets it.

The position, the request...

Andrew yanks at the underside of Neil's knee, spreading his legs and bringing him closer, the perfect angle for--

"Neil," Andrew warns as Neil starts to stroke him slow, paying way too close attention to how his cock begins to swell. Andrew's voice fills with the strain to keep down a groan.

Fast learner. Right.

With a hum, Neil guides Andrew's hand, the one holding the bottle, in between his thighs. The implication is clear, and Neil’s skin is still warm and flushed from when he probably cleaned himself.

Andrew digs his hand into Neil’s hair at the thought.

"We're sharing, remember?" Neil says, almost innocently, like he's not asking Andrew to finger him open for the first time while he drools all over his dick. Andrew won't mistake this for something else, he knows it's nothing short of consideration for him.

Andrew wants to snap that Neil doesn't need to do this, doesn't need to try and distract Andrew from the whirlwind in his head. He doesn't need help, to get him out of his weird fog so he can actually get it up--

Neil swipes his tongue over the head of Andrew's cock and his breathing stutters, cutting off all thought for a blissful second.

"I want to do this how we always do it," Neil says then, eyes dangerous as he watches precum bead on the tip, evidence of Andrew's desire. There’s a seriousness locked underneath his tone. "I want you to feel good."

How we always do it...

He isn’t wrong; there's an edge to Neil's statement, a reinforcement. This is still us. No expectations, no pressure, only...

Andrew sets the bottle down so he can squeeze the flesh of Neil's thigh, soaking in the gasp he gets for it. He tugs Neil's head up to kiss him, deep and promising, before letting him get back to what he's good at. Using his mouth.

Andrew swallows, forcing down the unnecessary noise. He rids himself of the unessentials, the countless hours of research and text conversations with Roland, clinging to what he needs and not what overwhelms. He brings himself back to the basics therapy taught him. Breathing, grounding himself.

That's all he can do. He of all people, should've known there's no exact formula for this.

It's still us.

Us.

And that...that is one of four truths. Another deep breath, and Andrew embraces their first attempt.

"Tell me if it hurts," Andrew says, demands as he massages Neil's knee, watching his cock leak all over the bed. His hand glides up, grazing Neil's balls and teasing the sensitive skin.

Neil nods, so needy, and flicks his tongue out again over Andrew's shaft. Neil always does this, and it's so annoying because Andrew can't help but be so smug about it. Neil will stroke Andrew's cock leisurely for a few seconds, watching it grow until it's heavy and thick in his hand.

Trembling, Andrew uncaps the bottle and smears some lube on his fingers, letting some drip onto Neil's inner thighs just because. "Junkie."

Neil doesn't apologize for making him wait. "I like watching," he says, almost hazy. "I like knowing I can get you this excited."

Andrew has Neil lift his leg, positioning him so he can rub his fingers over Neil's entrance. There's a moment where Neil tenses from the feeling, but then he's relaxed again, focused on Andrew.

He never stopped to think Neil attending to Andrew's needs would also help to relax him.

"I hate you," Andrew says, so resigned, and Neil's smile is smug as can be.

He gives a squeeze to the base of Andrew's cock, pressing the head to his cheek. "I think this means you like me."

Andrew burns the image into his head.

"There are better uses for your mouth," Andrew snaps, but Neil is already swallowing him whole, hollowing out his cheeks so his cock can sit heavy and warm in his mouth. Neil's eyes flutter shut, freezing in place for an agonizing second, and Andrew guesses he's not the only one who savors these things. He feels Neil swallow around him, and petulantly holds in his moan. Neil’s eyes flutter open to glare playfully before he’s moving, steady and easy, in retaliation. The feeling is enough to pull grunts out of Andrew, and he feels his stomach jump from the slide of Neil’s mouth, but not enough to make him come too fast.

Neil's hand rests against Andrew's stomach, feeling every twitch.

Andrew tugs Neil's shirt up as far as he can, the scars grounding him. He needs something else to focus on, not to get out of his own head this time, but just to stop himself from thrusting into Neil's mouth.

The idiot is already prone to making himself choke from his own enthusiasm, he doesn't need Andrew helping.

With that in mind, Andrew digs deep for the gentlest touch he can manage, and presses his finger into Neil. It's not something he's ever been good at, softness; he's a rock. Firm, rough, but something to keep Neil safe. His hands are deadly and harsh, but for this...

He tries.

His finger pushes inside slowly, thumb pressed against the underside of Neil's balls to give him some relief. He feels Neil jolt from the foreignness, but he doesn't push away. No grimace, no fear. Andrew wonders what it feels like...

A dark part of him whispers that he should know, but rationale sets in. No, he wouldn't. Not this, not something wanted and craved. Neil gasps with Andrew's cock still in his mouth, hand shaky where he strokes what his mouth can't reach. And Andrew...Andrew didn't think about this part.

Andrew isn't prepared, could've never been prepared for how warm Neil is. He sighs as he pushes in and out slowly, the slick sounds barely audible over the sounds from Neil's throat. Neil's messy when it comes to these things, and his fist is wet where it pumps Andrew. That, together with the loud swallows, is deafening.

And of course, Neil is so impatient. Andrew takes his sweet time for them both, since at this point he has to squeeze the base of his cock to keep from getting too close to the edge. The thought of his cock replacing his finger, squeezed so tight...

Neil's hips start to roll back, not familiar or sure of the touch, but more comfortable with it. And hellbent on provoking Andrew further, even if involuntarily.

He pushes Neil's damp bangs away from his hair, a silent warning to slow it down, and thankfully the striker does. He takes his mouth away, but keeps his hand stroking agonizingly slow. Andrew tears his gaze away from the line of spit connected to Neil’s mouth.

Can’t lose focus, but Neil’s always made that hard.

Andrew takes another deep breath before he pushes in another finger, and the pattern repeats. He waits for Neil's hips to start chasing the sensation, and then he stretches him, letting him feel the ghost of the real thing. He watches Neil's brow furrow, little whimpers starting to leave his mouth, unsure. They increase in volume as his hips thrust back a little more eagerly, legs trembling, choked gasps a little too close to Andrew’s name. The confusion in his eyes blends so brilliantly with the arousal.

For a moment, Andrew wonders if Neil is uncomfortable, but then the puzzle pieces line up. It doesn't take Andrew long to realize what it is. Neil feels good, likes this, and that it hasn't quite sunk in for him that he does.

Oh Neil, a fast learner huh?

Something primal stirs in Andrew's chest at knowing Neil loves being fingered open, legs spread and thighs sticky. This just means Andrew can take him apart this way now, can learn how to do it best so Neil’s eyes roll back. They won't always need to go all the way, he can do this simply because Neil will come completely undone from it. Fingering Neil against a wall, stretching him until he comes...

He maybe jumps ahead too fast. Andrew adds another digit quickly, roughly, and Neil yelps. The sound quickly dissolves into a whine and a shiver, and Andrew freezes.

As if he can't believe the feeling, Neil presses his hand against his own abdomen, feeling it jump.

"O-Oh," Neil hiccups, and Andrew refuses to move. He hates it, but despite his consideration for Neil, his mind is fogged because...

Shit, Neil feels so tight.

"Okay?" Andrew asks, and when did his voice get so low? It's throaty, drenched in barely held restraint, and Neil shivers from it.

"Y-yeah," Neil says with a nod and a ghost of a laugh. Stupid, so stupid-- "It's different but..."

Neil blinks, lost, staring at some faraway place Andrew can't reach.

Neil cannot leave him hanging like this right now. Not when Andrew is two seconds away from putting an end to it.

"Neil."

The harshness makes the striker groan, hiding his face in a rare show of embarrassment. "I'm okay. Just...your fingers...fuck Andrew, you're going to be inside me."

Andrew leans down and kisses him hard; he just needs it, needs to communicate some of the tumultuousness going on inside of him. It never gets easier, having his feelings mirrored so easily. How the hell does Neil know how he feels without realizing?

His fantasies, his desires…

Shared.

Neil, never knowing when he shut up, whispers into the kiss. "It feels so good..."

The excitement shows; Neil's legs try to lift where Andrew is keeping them apart. Briefly, he imagines smearing his come over Neil's thighs, since the striker tends to rub them together when he's excited, like he's trying to do now.

Andrew gives Neil something then, his noises, the groans he normally keeps back, if only to make Neil keen. He always did like making Andrew lose control.

"Feel good?" Andrew says, almost mocking, and decides to finally pull something else from the necessary information he kept at the front of his mind.

He hooks his fingers inside Neil, searching for the angle until--

"Holy fuck," Neil yells, with no regard for anyone who might be through the walls. That's alright; the mouthiness was never a turn off. Neil gives a full body spasm, shock and disbelief at war on his face. His jaw hangs open, and Neil brings his hand up to press the back of it to his mouth.

So reactive.

Andrew nearly smirks as he leans in; well, that wasn't so hard to find.

"Feel that?" He asks, watching Neil fist the sheets with his other hand.

The striker swallows, panting hard. "W-what--"

"Now, now," Andrew sighs, not covering up his amusement very well. "Pay attention this time."

He presses his fingers into the spot again, and Neil's back arches beautifully. Runners...Andrew guesses they're not so bad.

"Fuck--fuck yes," Neil cries out, chest heaving. It almost compels him to do it again, but with Neil so on edge, this will end before they can even try to go further. The desperation in Neil's eyes, the satisfaction, is enough to soothe some of the anxiety in the pit of Andrew's stomach.

"Do it again," Neil demands, nearly pleads, trying to roll his hips to do it himself.

It takes all of Andrew’s self-control to not obey, which is terrifying. No one tells Andrew what to do, he hates to give in, but with Neil like this it's like a siren song.

Yet, he manages. "No."

He squeezes the base of his cock again, still leaking from Neil's earlier attention.

If I watch you react like that I'll come.

As if realizing the same thing, Neil petulantly leans forward to tongue at Andrew's cock, and Andrew pulls him back by the hair.

Neil, the idiot, pushes against the hold teasingly, riling them both up.

“Antsy,” Andrew scoffs, as if part of him doesn’t burn because of it.

Andrew uses the distraction to scissor his fingers one last time inside Neil, careful to avoid his prostate. Neil winces at the stretch and Andrew waits, lets Neil adjust, and between the sounds of their heaving breaths he allows himself to give some more.

"So warm," he sighs, actually sighs, and Neil’s answering groan is too debauched, his cock twitching from the praise. Andrew files that away for later.

He’s been filing a lot of things away for later, good things.

"Yeah?" Neil challenges, because it's what he does. "Then c'mon."

And right now...a 'no' would be a lie. Andrew pulls his fingers out, and joins Neil on the bed with shaky limbs, grabbing Neil's hips to turn him over so his ass is in the air.

It's the first time Neil resists him. The striker fights the manhandling, keeping his eyes on Andrew's face. "Andrew, I want--"

"Neil--"

"But--"

"It'll hurt less this way," Andrew says, with hardly any room for argument. It would make it easier, that's what Roland said, and Andrew made sure not to lose that in the minefield of information he took in. "It'll be more comfortable for you."

Neil stares at him for a good long minute, as if that'll do anything. He's familiar enough with Andrew's tones to know there's not really room for argument here. Andrew's about to say they don't have to if Neil doesn't want to, but then Neil sighs.

"Okay," he says, nodding. "I want to see your face next time though."

The promise of next time is too much to think about right then, made worse by Neil's next request. "Kiss me?"

Like of all things, that's too much to ask. Like Andrew doesn't seal everything between them with a kiss and a firm touch. Andrew leans forward, surprisingly slow, and catches Neil's lips softly. Steadying, deep, while he grabs a handful of Neil’s ass.

Neil shivers when he pulls away, turning around and pressing his head into the mattress. He's a sight, one Andrew will never let anyone else see. Before he was comfortable enough to be this open with Neil, Andrew would never let himself admire, labeling the urge as a waste of time. Now, Andrew runs his hand over the slope of Neil's ass, thumbing the ghosts of scars and faded burns. All he sees is strong legs, and Neil's leaking cock hanging between them.

All for Andrew, only for Andrew.

With shaking fingertips Andrew coats himself in a little too much lube before lining himself up, pressing his forehead against Neil's spine.

This is it, now, next, this moment--

The dark cloud, the one which sits in the back of his head, kept mostly at bay this whole time, creeps forward...

Andrew doesn't sense it, can't think. His mind is a vault locked beneath an ocean, and he never knows how far the tide will come up to trap him further.

"I'm going to push in," he breathes into Neil's skin, as if Neil can't feel the head of his cock rubbing against his entrance, promising. Then, in a moment of remarkable rawness, Andrew doesn’t hold back what he’s thinking. "I'm going to feel all of you."

It should feel like a release, cathartic. Andrew should’ve known to pause right then, because it doesn’t. It sounds an awful lot like he's trying to convince one of them. Neil moans, doesn’t sense it, and spreads his legs further.

Andrew can't see his face but--

His vision sways, and he realizes he didn't get a verbal yes, nevermind that he doesn't always need them anymore.

He leans back, he can see the body in front of him, the headboard. He pushes the tip of his cock inside, and the heat is overwhelming, squeezing him so hard he winces.

So tight, it can't possibly feel good for Neil, it's like he's forcing his way inside and--

He sees hands fly up to scrape at the headboard, and imagines they're held there, unable to move, unable to break away, to get free.

He can't hear Neil's voice, can't see his face, can't tell.

Andrew's entire body goes rigid, and the choked noise which escapes him disgusts him beyond all belief. He moves away like he's been struck, violent and cornered on the other side of the bed.

No. No, no, no.

Neil moves into action surprisingly fast, but doesn't try to follow Andrew. He knows better. As soon as Andrew sees the ring of blue, he feels slightly better, but still far too exposed. Neil yanks the nearest blanket over Andrew, covering him before pulling down his shirt and wrapping the sheet around his waist.

Andrew wonders if that's a good thing for his mind right then. He needs to see. He searches Neil for injuries, bores his gaze into him until he finds evidence of pain or distrust. He needs to look closer, to make sure, but if he touches Neil he'll make it worse.

He’ll make all this worse.

Yet, there’s nothing on Neil but the marks of the past, not all of them bad. Andrew eyes where the faded hickies meet crisscrossing scars. He keeps staring, navigating from afar, and finds nothing of what he's expecting. There's only concern in Neil's gaze, and an adamance which keeps Andrew focused on the present.

Neil’s feet dig into the bed, keeping himself in check even though Andrew knows he’d rather be looking Andrew over too.

"Andrew," Neil says, a little loud, because he knows if Andrew is somewhere other than the present he often needs to be jolted back to reality. "Andrew it's me."

But well, Neil would be wrong.

That's the problem. It's you.

It was Neil, underneath him, it was Neil who filled the role of someone so vulnerable.

Andrew takes a slow gulp of air, and he doesn't try to soften his words. There's no way to, right then.

"I know," Andrew says, unbelievably loud in the space. Cold. And oh, he does not like this at all. The slow realization, the understanding of what happened.

Neil's chest is still heaving, and Andrew's mind begins to clear. Neil looks the farthest from scared, he was feeling good, the haze in his eyes very much there. Craving, waiting for Andrew to give him something he ultimately could not.

And isn't that rich?

Andrew, despite knowing there would most likely be setbacks, who should've seen this coming, doesn't know what to do with this. Disappointment is an old emotion he has not felt in so long, ugly and worse than any good or anxious feeling he's begun to experience more.

It's full body, and makes him want to rip his hair out. They’d been so close.

He's aware he has nothing to feel guilty for, or upset by. Calling this a mess-up is not accurate, and it would be idiotic to do so. And yet, he...

Neil’s breathing stutters when Andrew looks away from him, like he misses it already.

Andrew does too, and he’s got no fight in him left to pick that apart. He just gives in and slides his gaze back to his boyfriend, the word coming easy to him for once.

Neil opens his mouth then closes it, thinking better of it. The coldness in Andrew's eyes is directed inward, wholly at himself. But Neil sees it all, the anger and frustration, and knows it's not time for this discussion. Even when it's clear he's in the dark, doesn't know what caused it, can't get past the wall blocking Andrew's mind, he knows when a boundary needs to be enforced.

They'll talk, soon, but Andrew can't now.

He hates that he can't, that's it's not his fault he can't.

Robbed of control, always.

He fists his hands in the blankets, stretching the fabric, as if he can mimic the feeling anyways. Neil's back hits the headboard softly, letting the quiet settle between them and makes no move to break it. Those bright blue eyes drift between Andrew and the bathroom door, as if debating on leaving, giving Andrew space. There’s not an ounce of disappointment on Neil’s face.

And shit, the itch to leave is rampant. He knows Neil wouldn't mind, but Andrew does. He doesn't want to leave Neil like this, not after something so intense for them both, so new, but he needs to be alone in his own head. That's out of his control too.

But some things have changed, some things he still has the strength to challenge.

He turns towards the wall, where he can focus on the cracks and faded wallpaper instead of Neil's warm body and concern, and lies down rigidly. This isn't tension Neil will be able to rid him of, but it's okay. Andrew doesn't expect him to.

Instead, he puts his back to Neil, a small acquiescence, a show of trust. Andrew never sleeps with his face to the wall.

Andrew hopes Neil takes the gesture as 'stay, be here.'

Andrew will only be able to do this if Neil brackets him off, closed to the world.

There's a long pause of debate while Neil tenses, and Andrew closes his eyes. He’s exhausted suddenly. He wouldn't be offended if Neil left, he tells himself, but his pulse spikes in relief when he feels the mattress shift with Neil's weight as he lies down, leaving space between them.

Traitorous heart.

And through all the slog in his head, Andrew can't help but think the gaze on the back of his neck is the closest thing to comfort.

--

Later that night, Andrew breathes in smoke on the rooftop. He comes here more for tradition now than anything; the fear of falling is still there, but he doesn't need it to jumpstart his emotions like he used to.

There are easier ways to do it now, and he hears a foolproof method open the door behind him. Andrew doesn't flinch when Neil walks up, his head mostly cleared of its earlier fog, leaving behind annoyance and frustration.

He didn't give permission for those to remain either, but here they are. He knows it's mostly resolved, if he can call it that, because the sight of Neil makes his chest feel warm instead of worried.

It’s also unsettling, but not something he's actively trying to be rid of. Warmth, comfort. He’s too tired to lash out. Andrew quirks a brow as Neil stands there, messing with the edge of his sleeves.

Andrew's jacket.

It's then Andrew realizes the one he's wearing must be Neil's, grabbed without a second thought after it was his turn to shower. Routine; Andrew can’t remember the last time he wore his own jacket, except for when Neil asked him to.

So it would smell like him again.

With a sigh, Andrew flicks his cigarette off the side of the building, not watching it fall to its demise. Neil is much more interesting.

The striker takes a hesitant step forward, a silent question, and Andrew can’t stand him.

"Come here," Andrew mimics, a callback to earlier, and the relief on Neil's face is almost annoying. The grin which breaks out on his face is a wave, threatening to drown Andrew as Neil plops down at his side. He leaves a bit of distance, just in case, but Andrew closes it until Neil is flush against him.

It has an instantaneous result; the rest of the tension in both their bodies floods out, and Andrew thinks with some bemusement if Neil were a cat, he'd be purring.

This is familiar, but Andrew has no place for regret in regards to the new things that happened earlier. He thinks it through slowly again, for the tenth time that day, carving around the ugliness. He'd felt good, before it happened. Exhilarating, on fire. Neil, coming apart beneath him. Those are not things he'd ever take back. Neil bites his lip, and Andrew really wishes he'd stop, since it's starting to trigger a Pavlovian response. "We...don't have to talk about it," Neil says, unsure of himself.

Again, he's mistaken.

"Yes we do," Andrew mutters, because it's not what he'd like to do per say, but...

They're sharing, he figures this is kind of part of it. Talking about these things is a little easier, if not akin to pulling teeth. It was like that before too...but now, it's like he's finally being allowed anesthesia.

Neil sighs, like he knew it all along, and nods with a sheepish smile. He keeps shifting too much, torn between wanting to soak up all of Andrew's warmth and see his face at the same time.

"What happened?" Neil asks, never one to beat around the bush once the direction is clear.

Andrew's finger drums on his knee, wishing he hadn't thrown out his cigarette. How to say it...he doesn't have the patience or care to tailor it. "Seeing you like that, for a moment I thought I was hurting you."

That's the basics of it, he thinks. The memories had blurred together, conjuring up the past instead of forcing Andrew back into it. Neil in his place, hands on a headboard, trying to get away...

Neil hums beside him, considering it. Andrew notes how he doesn't refute the reason, doesn't try to remind Andrew that he specifically told the blond to not worry about hurting him. Things are seldom so simple, and the war torn canvas of Andrew's mind can't always be wiped clean with a single statement.

"Because of the position?" Neil asks a beat later, tilting his head, and Andrew suppresses his anger. So much for that position being best, of course it would come back to bite him.

"I couldn't see your face, couldn't tell," Andrew agrees without actually doing so. "I just saw your hands scrape the bed frame."

It had been enough. Nothing more to it.

Neil nods, breathing deep. Like he’s soaking up Andrew’s presence. Once, Andrew snapped at him to stop, like if he did it too much Andrew would wither into nothing. Now, it just offers infuriating stability.

"I would've told you as soon as something was off," Neil states, and it's reassurance, not exasperation or something condescending. In fact, Neil almost looks guilty. "I should've kn--"

Andrew's head whips to face him, tone harsh, so Neil doesn't finish the thought. "No, you couldn't have known. I didn't even know. Stop it."

It's not your fault.

Trial and error, they know the position doesn't work now, at least not at the moment. That's all there is to it, no point in lingering.

Andrew feels it so strongly it threatens to break him in two. If Neil doesn't get that idea out of his head, Andrew might just kill him for real.

Neil's protests die, which is a feat only Andrew has mastered. Making Neil shut up is not straightforward. The striker kicks his legs out in front of him, tapping the edges of his shoes together.

It's not cute.

"Mm," Neil hums, nodding. "We'll just have to try again then, if you want to..."

The smile fades for a moment, and Neil's shoulders tense, fearing he's jumped the gun too soon. Neil has such an idiotic way of putting things, blunt and now without the lies, it makes relief battle with frustration inside Andrew. Of course Neil would worry about this, that Andrew wouldn't want him.

After all that, as if it's even possible for Andrew to not want Neil.

"Don't ask stupid questions," he grits out predictably, overcome with the gravity of this, of how talking to Neil can feel like a warm mug of hot chocolate on a bad night.

Neil's smirk is small, not as powerful as usual, but still there enough to set Andrew on edge. "You want me then?"

Andrew can't do this. If he had the energy to roll his eyes, he would.

He leans back, staring up at the starless sky, a black void. He imagines the lights of Eden's flashing while the heavy bass bounces off the walls. "Every inch of you."

In a random act of therapy application, he brings the past up on purpose, if only to see the way Neil's eyes widen.

There, maybe that'll shut you up.

It's wishful thinking.

"Andrew..." Neil whispers, following him to the dusty floor. Neil's eyes are brighter in the dark, Andrew thinks; it's like they glow.

It pulls the last of his thoughts out of him.

"I don't know how many times I'll get it wrong," Andrew says, surprising even himself. Already, the words feel like vomit, leaving a bad aftertaste. It was a bad way to phrase it, even he knows, but he has to make Neil aware.

This could happen again.

He remembers Neil's excitement, the yearning, the abrupt cutoff of all of it.

Neil is entirely unfazed by the gloom, swatting away the veil over Andrew's mind.

Literally. Neil brings his hand up in front of Andrew’s face, waving.

Andrew really can’t do this.

"And?" Neil asks, blinking stupidly. He looks almost...amused. "Andrew there's no three strikes policy, we can try as many times as we need to."

Do not use sports references when it comes to our sex life.

Andrew shoves him, and the tightness in his chest fades away with the normalcy of it all. Neil doesn't mind, doesn't care. Andrew should've seen that coming too. "Was that a vague baseball reference? From you?"

Neil grimaces, offended. The scars under his eyes scrunch up, and Andrew digs his thumb into one.

"Shut up," Neil grumbles, burying his forehead in Andrew's shoulder.

"I'll tell Kevin you betrayed him."

Neil snorts. "I don't think he'll appreciate the context."

No, he most certainly would not. Like Andrew cares.

He scoffs, but soaks in the feeling of their usual banter, of the weight of the day bleeding out from them both.

And then Neil, in all his devastation, has to hit Andrew one more time.

"There's no getting it wrong," the striker says a moment later, head popping back up so his chin is resting on Andrew. His hair is a goddamn mess. "It always feels good, when we lose control."

Andrew doesn't refute the always for that statement.

His breathing catches, his fingers tangling in the mess of Neil's hair, and kisses him.

He lets his mind flood with the better images, of fingering Neil open, Neil's mouth on him, the moans, the touch...

"Next time," he breathes against Neil's cheek, letting his lips feel the roughness of his scars.

Neil nods, chasing Andrew's lips like he's insatiable. He is. Andrew slows him with a hand to the chest, licking into Neil's mouth teasingly. "Did it feel good?"

He wants to hear it again, he needs to know, to reinforce it.

Neil laughs into the kiss. "It felt incredible, fuck...your hands Andrew," he breathes, letting his own be guided up to Andrew's hair. With the permission clear, he tugs on the loose hairs of Andrew's nape, massaging.

And there's no rush in this, they won't be taking it any further, but they don't need to.

Yes, yes, it all must be one big dream, this life he lives with Neil. But instead of pushing it away before it can end, Andrew has decided to indulge as long as he can.

"Tell me," he says into the skin of Neil's neck, doing what he didn't have the time to before. Marking, savoring.

Neil laughs breathily, and has the audacity to point at the next spot on his neck, tapping it in a silent request for Andrew to plant one on him.

Fine then.

"It's like you're so confident," Neil rambles, unashamed as always. Andrew rolls them over so he's on top of Neil, not for the security, but just because he knows Neil likes to feel cocooned, safe. He gets to work on the spot, swirling his tongue against it. "Like taking me apart is your only goal. I was thinking if that felt so good...how would your cock feel--"

Andrew bites down hard, and Neil yelps.

Well, someone walking by definitely heard that.

Neil is right though; it is Andrew's only goal, ripping sounds out of Neil's throat and bringing him to his knees. He likes when Neil thrashes, wants more, pleads without words.

"I'd slide right in," Andrew states, like one of his facts, a promise. It makes his own head spin. He knows he would, when he can, it'll be..."When I do fuck you, I'm going to make sure it's all you can think about."

That way, they'll be in the same boat.

The smile Neil gives him is mischievous and way too proud. "Already there," he gloats, rubbing at the sore spot on his neck. He looks far too pleased about the growing bruise. "What about you?"

Andrew's about to go for the other side of Neil's neck when the question halts him. He lifts his head back up, gaze questioning.

Neil's eyes get impossibly brighter. "What felt good Andrew?"

And in an instant, Andrew understands. Neil's eyes are lidded, staring up at him expectantly. There can be no dwelling on what went wrong, only what went right.

Neil invites him to write over the past.

Andrew leans down, closes his eyes, and his forehead meets Neil's. He hopes no one ever sees them like this, it's all Andrew's, all of it.

"You took me so easy," Andrew says, and Neil tenses on instinct, as if remembering it too. Oh yes, Andrew intends to explore that, thoroughly. "You were so damn loud."

Neil doesn't point out how he's usually loud, and therefore Andrew is confessing to having a thing for his voice. They can both infer enough to see through it.

So instead, Neil leans up to slot their lips together firmly, the promise of 'next time' searing the deal into place. "Bet you I can be louder."

And Neil, with all his infuriating seduction, is a challenge Andrew can never back down from.