#hes the guy who did the bad merchandising deal

[get-back-homeward]

David Jacobs, the suave and arrogant showbiz lawyer whose clients included The Beatles, Marlene Dietrich, Liberace and Judy Garland and who introduced Epstein to the gay scene in the capital was also a key player. Bullock calls it a “support network for the entertainment industry”. They needed it. While success brought money, attention and a certain freedom from the mores of contemporary society, it also caused problems.

Until the Sexual Offences Act of 1967 legalised homosexual acts between consenting adults over the age of 21, gay men had been confined to a crepuscular demi-monde and were confronted with a rise in prosecutions and several ‘sensational’ court cases well into the 1960s that had served to keep them in the closet rather than face misguided public opprobrium, the attention of the police and, frequently, blackmail.

The business uniform of single-breasted sharp suit and thin tie might have still ruled the roost but as the 1960s started to get underway, the author points out, “We really see people starting to come out of their shells and being a bit more flamboyant and less guarded in what they’re doing. People are kind of realising that within entertainment, and particularly rock and pop, you can probably get away with a little bit more”.

In other words, there was lots of sex and drugs to go with the rock n roll for successful gay men in the business and that necessarily meant existing within a network of people you could trust. “Certainly, there were parties at Brian Epstein’s house where he would just invite anyone around who he thought would be interesting and fun and just let them carry on while he would pick out who he fancied and take them off to another room,” says Bullock. “There was a certain amount of you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours in business terms but there was also a feeling that it was also much easier to play in that way, to host parties for this kind of network and for the people this network knew in a place where you were not likely to be arrested, not going to get busted or have the press hammering at your door.

“David Jacobs was always being asked to come and get people out of sticky situations,” explains Bullock. “Brian was blackmailed several times, often by the same ex-boyfriend… including on one occasion when this guy made off with some of the takings from the Beatles’ Candlestick Park gig in San Francisco and some pills, private papers and photographs before demanding $10,000 for their safe return. Blackmail was going on so often, they got used to having to pay-off people to shut them up but when you have so much money lying around I guess it’s not that much of an issue and certainly paying off the occasional blackmailer has got to be better than going to a club and being caught out and having your name splashed all over the newspapers.”

From “The Network of Gay Men at the Heart of Britain’s Pop Culture Revolution” by Bill Barrows on the release of Darryl W. Bullock’s The Velvet Mafia book | photo credit: Scott K. Runyen [x]

[cyjammy]

Vox and Valentino: A Display of Trust

VALENTINO AND VOX

Not going to lie, I was the most excited for this dynamic and it just barely beats out Vox and Alastor’s rivalry. For four years they were both the big unknowns only seen for about 30 seconds in the pilot.

There were theories about their dynamic that I hoped to god wouldn’t be true in the show.

Because they didn’t make sense, they looked friendly with each other when they hunkered down for the extermination. And there was no way one sinner (Val) could create an empire alone.

AND I’M SO HAPPY THAT DID NOT HAPPEN.

Valentino being hot headed and brash was not on my 2024 bingo card, but I’m here for it.

(Yes, he’s a bad person. So is everyone else in the show. Alastor hangs out with cannibals and most likely participates. It’s a show about Hell.)

I LOVE HIM. I love everything about him down to the voice, the fluctuating emotions, the drama, the possessiveness — ALL. OF. IT.

I love me some fucking drama and I was LIVING for the back and forth between him and Vox.

Valentino is in charge because of the power he has.

He’s not a words guy, he uses action. He refuses to change his ways because that’s what got him to the top. He’s ready to hunt down Angel just for moving out.

Mind you he still goes to work and fulfills his side of the contract, Valentino just can’t handle not having control.

Micromanaging Angel’s life down to the smallest of details. Controlling who he can talk to, what he can wear.

He wants his plaything back in his sight, he doesn’t want him getting defiant. He wants his leash short so he doesn’t get any ideas.

And the way he gaslights the fuck out of Angel hit hard. Getting away from an abuser and then having the distance you finally need to heal, but being forced to be in contact with them is so restricting that it hurts.

Jesus that was fucking with me.

You don’t necessarily have to be smart to manipulate people, and Val knows that. Val plays the part of the fool so people underestimate him.

He feigns impulsiveness.

When asked for strategic advice he plays dumb.

That’s calculated, and it may just be written off as idiotic, but that’s probably what he wants.

He has to be playing dumb, there is no way he has survived this long by pure luck.

Vox makes do with him by his side because Val can gain trust and place sinners under his spell.

That makes him a valuable asset. Vox supplies the equipment and Valentino supplies the merchandise.

Because that’s all he considers those who are under his employ.

They’re things to be sold to an audience.

But Vox might not see the subtle ways Val messes with him.

Val’s a bratty, unsympathetic, monster that will do anything to get his way. With the guidance of someone with a more grounded personality removed from his issues is when he is able to see reason.

And Velvet can’t even do that, only Vox.

That shows respect and trust.

Even when Vox was spelling it out for him slowly it wasn’t a slight against him, it was a reminder and it held no malice.

If it did, Vox would have lost his temper as he did with Alastor. He kept himself measured for Val and reigned himself back in.

He may know that it won’t get him anywhere after dealing with him for so long. If Vox didn’t see Valentino as a worthwhile investment, he wouldn’t even go through the effort.

Vox knows the best way to get Valentino to listen.

Valentino is extremely self centered. Vox speaks in a way that makes Val want to care, while still making sure it benefits him as well.

“OUR brand”

“Any idea what YOU would look like chasing random whores around town”

“OUR image”

Their partnership is of the upmost importance. Vox needs to make sure the empire remains, that the Vs have their power. That they’re on top.

And that’s a goal Valentino can get behind.

Valentino backs off with disappointment, because he enjoys violence. And he wanted there to be a show.

So instead he throws out something that could really get under Vox’s skin.

Alastor.

Val could have used this information to cripple Vox, make him vulnerable during a time where he needed to stay focused.

But instead, he uses it now.

Val was bored, he knew how Vox would react, and he wanted a show.

And a show he received. Pressing all the right buttons to see his partner go mad.

I want to see more of Valentino. So far his actions could be read as surface level — dumb and erratic — or strategic.

As of now, I’m assuming he knows what he’s doing.

Anger clouds your judgement and both Vox and Val were subject to that effect within a few minutes. That doesn’t necessarily mean Val is a fool and that Vox calls ALL of the shots.

Val acts idiotic around his colleagues because he knows they won’t take advantage of him. Until I see how he is around Angel Dust outside of those voicemails or around his other employees is when that can be settled.

I’m hoping this is a strategic play, because that would be an amazing use of misdirection. All the signs are there, and it could be so.

I also love how Vox is never fearful of Val and vice versa. They both would take steps toward each other that would be misconstrued as advancing toward violence.

Neither flinch. They look a bit surprised, sure, but never scared.

The respect is there and I love the relationship Val and Vox have.

[cirilla-fiona-riannon]

The Day We Learned to Argue ~Part 3~

This is simply a fan translation and is not intended as a replacement for the game. Expect grammatical errors.

Silvio: "They haven't realized that we're princes. Once they find out, there's a better way to use us than just selling us off."

Silvio: "Especially with you as a hostage, the king would do anything to negotiate."

Valerio: "..........."

Silvio: "Considering the circumstances, the treatment we're getting now is a stroke of luck."

Silvio: "They lumped the two of us together in a treasure storage at the back of the cave with just one lazy guard."

Silvio: "This is just careless. With this, we might find a way to escape."

Valerio: "But even if we manage to deal with the guard, there's only one way out of the cave."

Valerio: "There are plenty of strong people out there, so I doubt we could escape."

Silvio: "See that pool of water? It's seawater. I did some research on these caves beforehand. If you dive and swim, you can get to the sea. You can escape from here."

Valerio: "Then, let's go together—"

Silvio: "It's impossible for me. It's too narrow."

Silvio: "But you can make it."

Silvio stared at him intently, and Valerio's eyes trembled.

Valerio: "But..."

Silvio: "Calm down. There's a patrol route a little further from here. Do you know about it?"

Valerio: "I think I do."

Silvio: "Wait there. After a while, the guards will pass by, then you could ask for help."

Silvio: "Once you're safe, and if you really intend to help me, ask them to send their men to this side."

Valerio: "But are you going to be okay, brother? What if they find out you're alone?"

Silvio: "It's better than waiting here to be sold off as a pair."

Valerio: "I understand."

Silvio: "Once you're mentally prepared, go."

Just as Silvio quietly uttered those words, the man who had been lying down sat up.

Man: "What are you two whispering about over there? Come closer."

Man: "You're valuable merchandise. If you behave, nothing bad will happen to you."

Valerio: ".........."

Silvio: "I'll distract him."

Silvio: "When you're ready, dive. But if you think it's impossible, turn back immediately."

Valerio: "Okay."

Silvio signaled to Valerio and took a deep breath.

Silvio: "Hey, you idiot brother! It's your fault we got caught in this mess. Quit whimpering!"

Silvio: "I don't want to see your face anymore. Get lost!"

Man: "What's going on?"

Silvio: "This guy's just annoying. He's pissing me off."

As Silvio spoke, he walked over to the man.

Silvio: "Anyway, he's always..."

Listening to Silvio's voice from behind, Valerio took a deep breath.

Having made up his mind, he dove into the cold water and passed through a narrow gap. As he continued to swim alone in the dark, he saw a light and followed it.

Even after swimming to shore, Valerio, with his tired body, didn't rest and started running on the sandy beach.

Meanwhile, inside the dim cave一

Man: "Hmm, where's the other one?"

Noticing the absence of any sound, the man suddenly looked around the cave.

Man: "Is he really here? Hey, kid, try calling your little brother."

Silvio: "I don't know, and I don't care."

The man, eyeing Silvio, raised an eyebrow and approached.

Man: "What are you hiding? Spit it out! Don't play dumb with me!"

Silvio: "..........."

Silvio remained silent, and just as the man raised his fist in the air一

Valerio: "Brother!"

Valerio: "Um, I slipped and fell in the water! Help!"

Silvio's eyes widened as he heard a voice coming from the back.

Man: "What? He's here, after all. Tricky bastard."

As the man lowered his fist, Silvio sprinted toward the source of the voice.

Silvio: "You..."

Seeing Valerio standing there drenched, he relaxed and let out a sigh of relief.

Valerio: "I'm glad I made it back before getting caught."

Silvio: "Yeah, right! Why the hell did you come back!?"

Valerio: "Why? To prevent things from getting worse."

Valerio: "Don't worry; I've informed the guards properly. I even gave them my handkerchief with my name on it, so that everything would go smoothly."

Silvio: "Even so, you should know that returning here is dangerous."

Valerio: "That goes for you too."

Silvio: "I'm stronger than you! Don't lump us together, you stupid brother."

Silvio: "I'll become strong enough to defeat them soon, unlike you."

Valerio: "I can become strong, too! Just wait and see!"

Silvio: "You'll never be able to do it if you're a crybaby and a wimp. But hey, you can run away again."

Valerio: "No! I promised you at the beginning that I wouldn't run away."

Silvio: "Shut up! Act like a proper little brother and listen for once!"

Valerio: "You're not a good brother, so why would I listen to you!?"

Silvio: "Tch. You're always so whiny."

Valerio: "I promised not to cry. Besides, I stopped whining."

Silvio: "You act like you're all grown up, but you're just a kid."

Valerio: "You're a kid, too. We're only two years apart, so I'll catch up soon."

Silvio: "Even if you catch up to me, at that time, I'll be two years older. Stupid."

Valerio: "By the time we're adults, a two-year age gap won't matter much."

Silvio: "You don't know about that."

Man: "Hey, you brats, shut up!"

Valerio & Silvio: “..........”

Valerio and Silvio exchanged glances before lowering their voices and continuing.

Silvio: "If you play your cards right, the guards will be here shortly."

Silvio: "All we have to do is protect ourselves from being taken hostage. Got it?"

Valerio: "Okay. We just need to focus on getting out of here without being caught by those men."

Silvio: "Let's come up with a plan. First, let's stand back to back so we won't be surrounded. And then..."

The guards arrived at the cave shortly afterward.

Following the plan they had prepared in advance, the two of them sprinted through the cave, protecting each other's backs, and were rescued by the guards.

The thieves were captured, the rumors about monsters disappeared, and the seaside returned to being a fun playground for the town's children.

Even after the resolution of the incident, Valerio and Silvio's relationship remained that of "quarrelsome brothers."

But if there was one thing that had changed一

Silvio: “Damn it, you stepped on my foot when the bandit attacked earlier, didn’t you? Thanks to you, I almost died.”

Valerio: “You’re one to talk! You head-butted me while trying to dodge them!”

Silvio: “A little nosebleed won't hurt you. I was on the verge of death, you know?”

Silvio: “They almost got me when I stumbled.”

Valerio: “You could have quickly fixed your posture. You’re two years older than me, so you should’ve been able to handle that.”

When Silvio saw Valerio cheekily retorting instead of crying, he lowered his face and secretly smiled.

---------Flashback Ends--------

Rio: "Alright, just as I thought, it was an easy victory."

Silvio: "I made this guy talk. It seems they've hidden the stolen jewelry in this cabin."

Silvio tossed the man he had grabbed by the collar onto the ground.

Rio: "I see. In that case, let's confirm that first and then contact Lord Sariel."

Rio: "By the way, the fact that you're here means this might be related to Benitoite."

Silvio: "There's no point in hiding it. As you said, these guys are Benitoite thugs."

Silvio: "But in addition to the thugs, there are also nobles from Benitoite and Rhodolite involved in this case."

Silvio: "I want to use this opportunity to expose and emphasize the responsibility of both sides. Hey, mutt, lend me a hand."

Rio: "I don't want to. Why should I?"

Silvio: "The Rhodolite noble involved in this incident is the guy who was hitting on that woman before."

Rio: "I'll do it! Let's catch him quickly and settle this!"

Rio: "I'll put my heart into it if it's for my master. There won't be any mistakes, I promise."

Silvio: "Whatever. But I agree that there's no room for mistakes."

Silvio: "I'll take command. Work your ass off, damn mutt."

By cooperating, the power of the brothers multiplied. They can defeat any opponent and overcome any difficulty. They may not be aware of it now, but they will surely realize it one day.

Part 1 ╎ Part 2 ╎ Part 3 ╎ Part 4

[logan-fields-official]

Hola, I'm back for more food. Can I request a poly sbg (again.) with a fem reader who is like Wonyoung from Ive (and she's an undercover singer and they all find out because they searched up her group name because they heard people *cough cough *Barron* talking about her (yummy)

Literally crazy I remember seeing this request from other creator!!! I might come back to this and add some small headcannons for each person. I’m quite new to actually writing so this is probably gonna suck, Anyways!!! WARNINGS: bad grammar? Bad spelling? Cringe?

G/N = Group name

SBG Main Six x Singer Reader!

Aiden, Ashlyn, Ben, Logan, Taylor, Tyler, and Y/N sat around a table in the cafeteria, a crowded space. Y/N, known to them as a talented artist with a passion for music, was concealing her true identity as a K-pop star. The group often joked about how she could be famous one day, completely unaware of the truth. 'Seriously, Y/N,' Aiden said, his blonde hair glinting under the cafeteria lights. 'You’ve gotta stop with the 'someday' nonsense. You’re already amazing at singing. Just admit it.' Y/N laughed, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. 'Maybe someday, but not yet. I just want to enjoy my time here with you guys.' She smiled at the group. Suddenly, the deafening laughter from outside interrupted their reverie. It was Barron and his goons, making their usual rounds. Logan's worried expression deepened as he caught snippets of their conversation. “Did you hear about that undercover K-pop star? They say it’s that Y/N girl. Pfftttt can you believe it? A loser like that famous? It’s hilarious,” Barron scoffed, his tone dripping with disdain as he flicked his hair back. 'Wait,' Ashlyn interjected, her slate green eyes narrowing in focus. “Did he just say… that Y/N…. As in you Y/N?” Ashlyn points at Y/N “is a k-pop singer?” Logan and the rest of the group pause, before Logan speaks up. 'He’s talking about Y/N? What makes him think that? I mean you are a really good singer Y/N I just feel like if you were a k-pop singer we would know.” Aiden, despite his already upbeat demeanor seems to perk up more at that. 'You? A K-pop singer? That doesn’t surprise me. I mean you were always a good singer.' Taylor, ever the bubbly one, immediately perk up and looked at Y/N. 'You’re a K-pop singer? That’s so cool! What songs have you released? Are you apart of a whole group or is it just you? Are you the lead singer?' Y/N use to being bombarded with questions easily answered each one. “I’ve released a couple of songs, I’m apart of G/N, and I’m the lead singer.” Ben picked up a pencil and started to write in his notebook. “I think we should keep an eye on Barron. He might try to use this against you, but if he does then we’ll confront him and threaten to tell the coach. That should make him back down. He doesn’t want to lose his spot on the team.” Tyler scoffed, his eyes alight with sarcasm. “Right, and while we’re at it, let’s just invite him to tea while we’re at it. Have you met Barron? He thrives on chaos.” Y/N looked at her friends, feeling a swell of gratitude. “Thank you, all of you. I just don’t want to deal with anymore fans and paparazzi then needed.” Just then, Aiden spoke up his eyes filled with some mischievous and excitement. “So, if you’re a K-pop star, can you teach us a dance, Y/N? I could go for some moves! Just picture me on dance floor doing Body waves or finger guns!” Logan chuckled nervously, glancing at Barron and his group. “Maybe shouldn’t focus on dance battles with them around?” And a light laughter bubbled up from the group at Aiden’s and Logan’s comment, Y/N felt a flicker of hope. Maybe fame wasn’t as daunting when surrounded by people who truly cared, even in the face of people like Barron. This felt like her safe space, and she would do everything to protect it.

AIDEN: lierally your top fan. has all kinds of merchandise related to your group/you. He goes to pretty much all your games and you bet ya he gets a backstage pass as well. helps you do things like fix your outfit or do your eyeliner before your concerts. Bro will quite literally buy you so many accessories he thinks looks nice with your outfits and if anyone ever brings you or your group up he immediately goes 'yeah that's my S/O isn't she so cool!' Is offended for you whenever he hears someone doesn't like your music like what? His S/O that's crazy they make wonderful music!

ASHLYN: Ashlyn doesn't seem like the type to really like music in general unless it’s a quiet instrumental song, so she might if your songs have a calming beat listen to instrumental versions of your songs. As we know Ashlyn does dance so I feel like she would when she's not worrying about the phantom dimension watch and give input on your choreography as well as maybe show you a move or two she thinks fits good. Ashlyn would have a reaction to people bringing you or your group up around her she more like 'yeah that's my S/O.' Ashlyn probably wouldn't go to your concerts not that she doesn't support you it's just that her ears are sensitive and i don't think she could handle a concert even with her headphones.

BEN: As we know Ben loved to sing and still likes music and he gives vibes that he listens to just about everything so there's a good chance he'll like your music and even if he doesn't he'll still support you big time. 100% goes to your concerts and if your songs are appropriate enough brings Lily with him. Speaking of Lily you and her 100% write some mini songs together and sing/dance to them for Ben. And we saw Ben doing Ashlyn's hair he would do yours as well. Anyways back to concerts I feel like Ben would always have stuff for you with him like water, snacks, extra hair ties...etc.

LOGAN: Logan is also the kind of person to listen to calmer types of music so if you manage to fall into that category then he most likely likes your music and if you don't he'll still support you. He's the sweetest supporter and goes to some of your concerts. And when I say he goes to your concerts even if it embarrasses him he will wear merchandise to them. 100% has at least one small Keychain of some sort that relates to your group that he brings with him every where. Can and will name multiple of your songs. Wouldnt be much help in hair or makeup, but we've seen this boy dress he can help you absolutely slay your outfits. When people bring you up around him, he most definitely flushes at least a light red and ends up saying something like 'o-oh? Y/N yeah that's my S/O, isn't she so cool?'

TAYLOR: Another one that's just your biggest fan. Has a bunch of your merchandise and has no shame in wearing them out in public. She tries to go to as many of your concerts as she can and sometimes forces Tyler to go with her. She'll always do things like help with your hair, outfit, and makeup if you ever ask. Tyler 100% knows some of your songs by heart and will sing/dance to them with you. She'll watch you practice and loves to help you write songs as well as think of dances for them.

TYLER: Probably doesn't listen to your music often but he does support you and gives his honest opinion on if he likes your music. he can and will help you do your hair for shows or just in general. He won't admit it but if you look through his room he has at least a little bit of merchandise of you. Taylor ans Aiden tease him so much about it and he denies it as best as he can, but the blush on his cheeks says otherwises. If anyone ever brings you up he's the type of person to go 'oh your a fan? Name five songs' and though he claims to not like your music he can proudly named more than half the songs you've released.

[mari-lair]

What’s your opinion on the newest chapter bc that ending caught me tf off guard (if ykyk)

I love this chapter it’s so cool! I like that Mitsuba is helping Kou, and that Hanako the leader of the ghosts, was scared of the middle schooler’s haunted house. I also appreciate that everyone was together instead of the usual mitsukou/hananene split up. (They did split up by the end of the chapter again...but I’ll take what I can get.)

This part was nice too.

I wasn’t expecting it, but it makes sense Mitsuba wants to push Kou to be with Nene considering this is his mentality recently.

MY AWFUL TRIO IS HERE TOO!

Aoi has a herbs tea stand! LOOK AT HER! I forgot there are more people in the gardening club besides her uiyguyg

AND AKANE USED A HEART IN HIS SPEECH BUBBLE?? This boy really is down bad, he gets rejected when he already knows Aoi likes him back but he keep looking at the bright side (he is so genuinely happy thinking about how cute she is when she’s shy. He is adorable.)

He cried a river when he was rejected what a loser, and Aoi is so blushy when she turns him down, she looks almost troubled?? Is she angry she can’t bring herself to agree? Is she troubled she already agreed to go with Teru? Idk but she is adorable. They are so stupid, they make my heart melt.

SPEAKING OF TERU, I love how he happily (threatened) invited Aoi on a date while confident Akane will be there. My bars are very low I am absolutely counting this as a terukaneaoi date LET’S GOO

Love how Aoi is scared and nervous but the idea Akane will be there too calm her down. She had fun the last time they hung out as a trio so I am excited!

(I won’t be surprised if the broadcasting club scheming makes it so they end up not having this tour, but my disappointment will be immeasurable.)

Teru was amazing this chapter on his own too, look at this bastard. He got an ego.

Not that I can blame him, any 17 year old would reach this conclusion when their class consistently worship him as a prince and made A WHOLE SUCCESSFUL VENUE?? WITH MERCHANDISE TOO?? HELP?? He is so chill about it “oh I was surprised when they suggested” BUT NO PROTESTS? Akane is right, he is a shameless guy.

(I wonder if Teru gets money out of it...? Since they are selling his image/’brand’. I hope he does. Can you imagine Teru  telling his dad “oh yeah, half of my fortune comes from exorcism, half comes from my venue.” )

And hey, Tiara and kunishide are here!  That’s nice, love to see them again! :D

You know who else is here? Sousuke’s mom! THE QUEEN IS HERE! LET HER THROUGH!!! I DID NOT EXPECT TO EVER SEE HER AGAIN, MY BELOVED!

I’m interested in how Mitsuba will deal with a ‘mom’ he never had. He no longer seems obsessed with Sousuke, the manga itself treats Sousuke as a thing of the past (Kou even fully accepted his death in chapter 74) so her presence is BIG.

I wonder if the mom will be able to see Mitsuba, and bring more info on Sousuke, or explore both her and Mitsuba’s characters. Mitsuba does feel like he has no ‘family’ after all. And Sousuke’s mom, who lost her son and husband, also has no family, but unlike Mitsuba, she used to have. Add in Mitsuba’s relationship with his own identity and I am definitively intrigued by what her role in this arc will be.

The ending caught me off guard too, I thought the broadcasting club wanted to control time not destroy it, even if it does make sense, considering their end goal is every yorishiro's destruction.

And this part made me realize we never saw Natsuhiko bleed before, and it explains how he consistently gets out of dangerous or tricky situations that while not deadly for an immortal would have been very hard to escape if his power was merely 'durability'.

He can’t lose, even a supernatural’s ‘victory’ where he gets eaten will result in them being corroded from the inside out. Since Natsuhiko can’t die, blood loss isn’t a problem either, he is a neverending poison machine. Love that for him.

[proxylynn]

Blorbo: Fat Tony (very underrated character on this blog)

{That he is. *summons him from the dead*}

[Don Marion Anthony D'Amico, better known as Fat Tony, is one of the best characters on the show and his lore is, for whatever reason, the most well-maintained in the show. Or it was till they fucking killed him off but then replaced him with his identical cousin then proceeded to treat him as if he was the real Tony. THAT'S BULLSHIT! This is the tale of two Skinners all over again. But I'll leave my venomous rant for the end. I want to gush over this sweet man first.

Unlike Sideshow Bob, the show brings in Fat Tony a lot but not too much so that he gets stale (his celebrity VA is expensive but loves the character so much he always is happy to do episodes). Tony is a guy who had humble dreams and then one thing led to another, next thing he knew he was henching with the mob before doing so well he climbed the ranks to become the boss himself. While cliché is tough guys can't show weakness, Tony was a good man when it came to his crew and his eventual family, which brought him respect...except from The Calebresis but they ain't a problem no more. A faithful husband, loving father, and caring boss, Tony held loyalty all around him. His only negatives were of course his business dealings. And while some are often silly (such as putting cotton balls on ferrets to pass off as toy poodles or selling rat milk to schools), others are very very bad. Like, wow I didn't notice this as a kid but holy shit kind of bad.

Some examples are the following...Illegal fireworks, bootleg merchandise, gambling, sabotage, illegal trafficking (tobacco & alcohol), organized crime, bribery, smuggling, extortion, money laundering, murder, prostitution, loansharking, kidnapping, counterfeiting, highway robbery, faulty construction, numbers, smuggling heroin, arson, and forging legal documentation such as birth certificates and passports.

Still, as bad as all that is, he hardly ever suffered from consciousness. But when he did, man, they hit hard. His wife dies "whacked by natural causes" (it's questionable but plausible". He gets shot to hell and put in a coma. And the worst one, the betrayal of someone he considered his best friend which is too much for his overworked heart...he dies of a heart attack and joins his wife with his grave beside hers. This would have been an ok send-off...But they fucked it!

Fit Tony, then later Fit-Fat Tony, and now known as the New and Improved Fat Tony (<- big fucking lie!) pisses me off to no end 'cause while I like more Tony lore, I hate how he's portrayed while carrying Tony's name. (They literally named this guy Marion Anthony Paul D'Amico...WTF?!) This faker holds none of real Tony's charm.

OG Tony was monogamous and died a widower/single father.

FitFake Tony is married but is a bigamist, having no issue with having mistresses. (He's implied to have a daughter but that's in the noncanon comics)

OG Tony cared about his crew, he showed them respect, and he was held with such regards that none but the stupid would dare stand to him.

FitFake Tony sees the crew as tools, he comes across as really too soft and not all that intimidating, and the members of the crew have turned on him multiple times.

The real kicker is this guy lives in his dead cousin's home, now lives his life, and is raising his son. I can't imagine the mental shit Michael has to deal with as an 8-year-old in a mob family who had to go through his mom dying, then his dad also kicks the bucket, but suddenly a look-a-like is now in his home but acts completely different. My child needs some therapy.

I can only hope that in the new season, there's some fixing done. I want to still enjoy Tony, I really do. But please, stop dragging his name through the mud. They used him in a Jersey Shore parody for fuck's sake! *groans* Look how they massacred my boy.]

[chaifootsteps]

Dont you find it hilarious (sad, depressing hilarious, not haha funny hilarious) that Vivs endgame was Stolitz, that was the ship the made front and center, but as soon as the show started, it just didn't really work, expecally with the concept of "Higher class demon holds something over lower class demons head that prevents him for doing his job, and they only way he lets him have it is by trading sexual favors."

But then, within one episode, we meet another character that instantly has more chemistry with the main character. Their interactions are amazing, their personalities match, they're on the same social class, and their relationships even fit the supposed theme of "Eat the rich." That Viv is going for.

But instead of exploring this or relooking at how she can improve the cannon relationship or even just adding a bit more shipping fuel for the fans, what does she do?

She buckles down harder on the current cannon ship as it is. She destroys her own character to make him so comically bad that everything that was previously appealing about him is gone. She pushes for her Canon ship to happen even harder and, in turn, only makes it worse. She turns the one half of the ship into a sniveling OWO soft boy who can do nothing wrong despite holding his supposed love intrests job over his head, and she makes the lower class character the bad guy for not wanting to be with him because he's treated as a glorified fuck toy and feels trapped within their relationship. She makes merchandise of the two in which on character looks terrified and uncomfortable when the other is around.

I'm not saying BlitzStrike should have been made cannon. I'm saying, why didn't Viv take what was good about BlitzStrike and put it into Stolitz. She didn't have to ruin Striker. She didn't have to Blitz the one in the wrong with the relationship. She didn't have to make Stolas innocent of everything and have him never change his views. But she did. Because she couldn't bare the thought that what she thought was an amazing ship might be flawed in a really bad way, and that there was another ship that had better interactions from the beginning. I don't think BlitzStrike is directly in charge of how Stolitz is now, but I defiently think it had a hand in it.

And that's why, regardless if what Viv does to Striker, BlitzStrike will ALWAYS be my favorite Helluva Boss ship

Yours and mine both, Anon. Vivzie can turn Striker into a Team Rocket character with visible stink lines all she wants, but nothing will take back that disgusting full moon deal scene, and nothing will take back the way Striker made Blitzo smile in a way Stolas has still never made him smile as of this writing. Blitzo found his damn soul mate at that festival and it sure as Hell wasn't the guy Blitzo imagines pulling him in on the end of a golden chain.

[weirdmarioenemies]

We have some bad news, guys...

Recently, on its way to our merchandise warehouse, our merchandise truck filled with WME-branded shirts, plushies, and vinyl figures was destroyed by Nintendo. Apparently, they are sending us some sort of (imagine me doing really exagerrated airquotes here) “Cease” and “desist” order for “unauthorized” “use” of “their” “characters”? Bummer! Luckily, we at WME Ingorporated saw this is a perfect opportunity to refresh our brand image, so we prepared a little something in advance...

Meet the new face of Weird Mario Enemies, Rolly S.! 

Our original, [[[Legally distinct!!!!!]]] mascot represents all the ideals of the WME brand, as well as being twice as merchandisabl- um, I mean, even swaggier than before! Before? Compared to what, you ask? Well, nothing, of course.  Rolly S. is one of a kind!

As you’ve all come to expect, we will be putting Rolly S. merch into production as soon as possible. Coincidentally, we already did it before this announcement! Cool! Order one now and receive it as a suspicious unmarked package in 6-8 weeks!

Wondering about the rest of WME’s iconic cast? As it turns out, after years of wishing, Chester Chomper has finally become a real girl! And a kawaii anime schoolgirl, no less! Talk about a “waifu for laifu”! And just look at her face as she stands next to Rolly! Ooh la la! Could this be love?

Of course, being a mascot these days is about so much more than just T-shirts! It means entertaining masses of children on the internet for hours on end! Which is why we’ve trapped Rolly in the Gamer Room and forced him to stream an endless amount of mascot horror games. For every new subscriber he gains, we inject him with a small dose of brain chemicals that numb the searing pain. But he has yet to see a single viewer, so go over and show him your support!

Huh? Excuse me for a second, I’m getting a phone call. 

Hm. Uhuh. Yeah. Hmmm. Mmhmm... Yeah. Okay.

Right. So I’ve just received the news that Rolly S. is dead. 

I know! This has happened to every single mascot we’ve signed a deal with! It must be some weird streak of bad luck or something. But that was fast! It’s got to be a new record! Oh well. I guess this post is in memory of Rolly S. or something now. Honestly who cares. I didn’t really like him anyway.

[pesterloglog]

John Egbert, Jade Harley, Jaspersprite

Act 6, page 5283-5307

JOHN: jade...

JADE: hm?

JOHN: i think i just realized something.

JADE: what?

JOHN: THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!!!

JADE: whaaat

JADE: but you love this movie!

JOHN: yeah, i know.

JOHN: i mean... i thought i did.

JOHN: it's been kind of a long time since i last saw it. i really remember it being a lot better than this!

JOHN: but now everything just seems so cheesy and stupid.

JADE: but you were making such a big deal about finally getting me to watch it with you on your birthday!

JADE: you were going on and on about how i wouldnt be disappointed... but now youre saying you dont like it?

JOHN: i don't know. i'm trying to like it. i WANT to like it.

JOHN: i want to feel the same magic that was there all the other times i watched it.

JOHN: but i can't, because...

JOHN: it's just...

JOHN: not...

JOHN: good. :(

JADE: really?

JADE: i was actually kind of enjoying it!

JADE: its very silly

JADE: i really dont think its the kind of movie youre supposed to take all that seriously john

JOHN: but i DID take it seriously!!!

JOHN: i guess maybe that's kind of the point.

JOHN: i always thought all this hokey bullshit was legitimately awesome and compelling.

JOHN: what was i even thinking!

JADE: i dunno....

JADE: but people can change their minds about things

JADE: i think youre allowed to change your mind about a silly movie

JADE: i used to LOVE the squiddles show when i was really young

JADE: but as i got older i started to realize it wasnt as great as i thought it was

JADE: i was just too young to see how it was actually a flagrant vehicle for selling merchandise

JADE: and if you believed the conspiracy theorists it might have even been pushing some other dark hidden agendas.....

JADE: so i stopped liking the show itself as much but that didnt change the fact that i had a lot of fond memories about it

JADE: i still loved all the cute characters and could enjoy it on a nostalgic level

JOHN: well, maybe later i'll be able to rekindle some nostalgic feelings about it.

JOHN: but right now, i just feel like a dope for talking this up so hard.

JADE: what is even the problem with it?

JADE: ive just been watching this and thinking, yup, i can see why john was so obsessed with this movie...

JADE: its funny!

JOHN: it's just non stop terrible action movie cliches!

JOHN: look.

JOHN: i love nic cage. he is basically my hero, ok?

JOHN: but i'm kind of just realizing now that he is EMBARRASSINGLY BAD in this movie!

JOHN: he is just doing this corny parody of a southern guy who is down on his luck, and acts "charming" with his goofy accent and stuff.

JOHN: some things i used to think were so badass are just coming off as ridiculous now.

JOHN: can you believe that one time we were watching this movie, when he said "put the bunny back in the box" i actually high fived my dad?

JOHN: this time that line just made me roll my eyes.

JOHN: there's so much crappy dialogue!

JOHN: "cyrus, this is your barbecue, and it tastes good..." arrgh!

JADE: but he was trying to sound like a hardened criminal to win the trust of john malkovich!

JOHN: jade, please. it was a cheesy line, don't be so naive.

JADE: what!!

JADE: you spent your whole life worshiping this dumb movie and now youre calling ME naive????

JOHN: ok, i'm sorry. i guess in fairness to you, you have only just begun to climb the steep learning curve of this vexing and hypnotic film.

JOHN: but i am no longer bound by its spell, jade.

JADE: oh god

JADE: vexing and hypnotic??

JADE: its a movie full of explosions about a guy with a mullet

JADE: what is with you lately? you seem to be in such a crappy mood these days

JOHN: i am fine. this MOVIE is what's crappy these days.

JADE: oh bluh bluh

JADE: can we just finish the rest of the movie?

JADE: look you made us miss a whole bunch of stuff!

JADE: hang on im going to rewind it...

JOHN: who even cares what we missed.

JOHN: just cameron stupid poe in his idiot wife beater babbling some more southern home spun heroic nonsense.

JOHN: heart of gold my ass!!!!!

JOHN: everything dave ever said about this movie was right! i can't believe i used to think he was just trolling me.

JOHN: the stupid junkyard scene where cyrus makes a little model out of rocks and stuff, just so he could tell the criminals to surround some army guys and shoot them... that was pointless!

JOHN: and all this heavy handed scoring. oh my god. the music makes every little thing into such a federal issue!

JOHN: like... oh man, SOME MINOR CHARACTERS BEING INTRODUCED IN SLOW MOTION! dun-dun dun-dun DUN DUN DUN!!!

JOHN: there. now you officially know they are all badasses.

JOHN: also, i somehow didn't even remember dave chappelle being in this movie. he was pointless too.

JADE: whos dave chappelle?

JOHN: and you know the malloy guy, the dick head cop who we're supposed to hate, because of how he gives john cusack a hard time and makes asshole decisions with a helicopter?

JOHN: well screw that! he wasn't so bad. so what if he was a little grumpy? he was just trying to do his job. he had one of the best lines in the movie actually, which was another thing we were supposed to hate him for.

JOHN: what was it? about how cusack was probably out saving a tree and recycling his sandals or some shit? HAHAHA! now that i think about it, i fucking LOVE malloy.

JOHN: i'm going to rewind it to watch that scene again...

JADE: no!!!

JADE: dont touch the remote

JOHN: oh, and we're supposed to be like "YEAH" when cusack wrecks malloy's awesome sports car.

JOHN: but that was a nice car! john cusack shouldn't have ruined it like that for laughs.

JOHN: i know *I* wasn't laughing, were you?

JADE: YES :p

JOHN: john cusack was such a terrible character in this movie now that i think about it. i don't really get what he added to it?

JOHN: he was like the second hero... but dorkier? what did he even really do? he scampered around the junkyard for a while goofing off, and then when it was his time to shine...

JOHN: HE DEMONSTRATED HIS MASTERY OVER HEAVY MACHINERY! wow, he can operate a crane! i am thrilled by the exploits of this pedantic weenie.

JOHN: i guess he's actually like cage's estranged sidekick? almost like the robin that batman never realized he had.

JOHN: now that i think about it, this movie was always an oddly poignant tale of bromance between cage and cusack. just two bros separated by destiny, waiting to be united.

JOHN: when they finally come together to kick some ass, it is arguably more moving than when he reunites with his wife and daughter!

JOHN: i wonder if i'll think that scene sucks now too? it used to move me to tears, but now i'll probably think it's so lame, i'm almost afraid to watch it. maybe i should try to leave at least SOME memories untainted.

JADE: john you are kind of sounding like a crazy person here

JOHN: yeah right! crazy like a fOWWW!

JADE: what???

JOHN: oh...

JOHN: i guess there was a stray feather clinging to my pajamas and it just poked me in the ass.

JOHN: god damn dave sprite.

JOHN: that guy molts like it's going out of style.

JADE: oh...

JADE: heh

JADE: yeah

JOHN: where is he anyway?

JOHN: i specifically told dave sprite several times when my party would start, because i knew he would do this.

JOHN: he's already missed half the movie!

JADE: why do you always call him dave sprite?

JOHN: um... because that's his name?

JOHN: dave sprite.

JADE: no, i mean why do you always say it like that? with the space between words?

JADE: its not dave sprite, its just davesprite

JOHN: what ever.

JOHN: i can't believe he's standing me up on my birthday.

JOHN: maybe he doesn't want to hang out with jaspers?

JOHN: jaspers, i hope you're not going to start chasing him around again when he gets here.

JASPERSPRITE: Hisssss!

JOHN: dude, shut up.

JADE: yeah.... john

JADE: i dont think davesprite is coming tonight

JOHN: aw, man. really?

JOHN: i knew we shouldn't have invited both him and jaspers.

JOHN: that's just party planning BASICS.

JADE: no...

JADE: it has nothing to do with jaspers

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: then why?

JADE: he uh...

JADE: kind of broke up with me

JOHN: what!!!

JOHN: when did that happen?

JADE: a couple days ago

JOHN: no. no way.

JOHN: i cannot accept this!

JADE: john its ok you dont have t...

JOHN: you and dave sprite were like the glue holding everything together on this miserable road trip!

JADE: we were?

JOHN: yes, jade.

JOHN: you were our rock.

JADE: your rock??

JADE: what are you talking about?

JOHN: come on, jade.

JOHN: you and dave sprite were like... an INSTITUTION on this stupid golden battleship.

JADE: we were not an institution!

JADE: you are just saying meaningless things now

JOHN: why did he break up with you?!

JADE: um...

JADE: its complicated

JADE: basically hes just going through a lot of stuff right now

JOHN: stuff??

JOHN: what stuff.

JOHN: jade, we are all going through stuff. you don't see me flying off the handle and breaking up with MY girlfriend.

JADE: do uh...

JADE: you have a girlfriend?

JOHN: that is not the point.

JOHN: the point is that dave sprite is a douche.

JADE: i dont think hes a douche, hes just...

JOHN: no, he's an orange feathery douche.

JOHN: why is he such a basket case? he's like regular dave, but like, aloof enigma edition.

JOHN: maybe it's because he's part bird? i think becoming a bird and a sprite did something weird to him.

JADE: i dont think being a bird ever bothered him

JADE: like i said... its all more complicated than that

JOHN: normal dave was so much more level headed.

JOHN: i have to admit, i spend a lot of time wondering what he and rose are up to.

JADE: me too

JOHN: ehh...

JOHN: maybe it's for the best he broke up with you.

JADE: why?

JOHN: well, what kind of future do you think you would have with him?

JOHN: he's a sprite. like really, what even is a sprite? how long do they live? will he still be around if we win the new game we are allegedly trying to get to?

JADE: i dont know

JOHN: there are a lot of things we don't know.

JOHN: and also...

JOHN: how do things even work if you marry a sprite?

JADE: what do you mean

JOHN: i mean...

JOHN: ok, he has a ghost butt, for one thing.

JADE: uh

JADE: so

JOHN: a GHOST BUTT, jade!

JADE: SO WHAT IF HE HAS A GHOST BUTT!!!!!

JOHN: i'm just saying...

JADE: WHATEVER YOURE JUST SAYING, JUST STOP SAYING IT!

JADE: and whatever youre trying to gesture with your hands there, stop doing that too!

JOHN: what? no, i was just...

JADE: nope!!! totally not talking about this

JOHN: but

JADE: put your hands down john

JOHN: ok, fine.

JADE: thats not down, thats up!

JADE: oh well, at least youre not making those unsettling gestures...

JADE: john...

JADE: what are you doing?

JOHN: nothing!

JADE: i hope youre not entertaining some awkward train of thought about, uh...

JOHN: no!!!

JADE: what is with you??

JADE: today is your birthday, youre supposed to be having fun!

JADE: but youve been so testy, as if youre committed to not having a good time

JOHN: well, maybe i'm just getting a little tired of being stuck on this lame boat!

JOHN: don't you think it's gotten kind of old?

JADE: yeah, i can see how you might find it a little slow here

JADE: i dunno, i havent minded much... maybe its different for me though because i used to live all alone?

JOHN: oh sure, i'm sure it's GREAT for you. you get to spend your days smooching and breaking up with dave sprite and what not, and you can shrink down to any old planet you feel like, any time. whereas i have to make this whole big deal of ASKING you to shrink or unshrink me, and...

JADE: but i dont mind doing that any time!!!

JOHN: i know, but you think i want to bug you about that at the drop of a hat? when you're busy and on dates and stuff? i just happen to have respect for something called PERSONAL BOUNDARIES, jade.

JOHN: and it's not like there's really anyone else to talk to, except the inscrutable chess people and a bunch of brainless consorts and an idiot cat princess. oh and also nanna, but i mean, she's my grandmother, and she's great, but a guy can only spend so much quality time with his grandmother before he starts to feel like kind of a loser whose friends are too busy to spend time with him!

JADE: john... if you told me this earlier i would have...

JOHN: and i still never visit any interesting dream bubbles, and we can't even finish our cool planet quests because the moment we broke through the window all our denizens decided to go back to sleep, and...

JOHN: i guess what i'm saying is, i'm MORE than ready to get to the other window and meet our friends and other new people and stuff.

JOHN: are you sure you can't make the ship go faster???

JADE: were already going as fast as i can make us go

JOHN: and how fast is that again?

JADE: about the speed of light!

JOHN: well, can't you use your space powers and bump it up a notch?

JADE: no! nothing can go faster than light john

JADE: unless you teleport of course

JOHN: and why can't you teleport us again?

JADE: i already explained this! i cant do that here, its not within the domain of the green sun which gives me those powers!

JOHN: is that why we can't go faster than light either?

JADE: no thats just a regular law of physics!!! jeez

JOHN: ok, i mean, i know that. but this isn't really a regular place, right?

JOHN: isn't the speed of light like a thousand miles a second? so what does that really mean here? are miles and seconds the same here as on earth? how does this nonsense dimension we're racing through jive with all the relativity mumbo jumbo?

JADE: ok first of all, thats not even close to the speed of light

JADE: light travels at a hundred and eighty six thousand miles per second no matter what frame of reference youre in... even this one!

JADE: second of all special relativity and comparing laws of physics between different frames of reference, those are tricky issues to talk about!

JADE: but id be more than happy to talk about them if youd like. actually i would enjoy that because i never really get to talk about science wi...

JOHN: no, i don't want to talk about physics! i don't know anything about the laws of physics, because they are hard and boring.

JOHN: i simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! is that really asking too much?

JADE: yes as a matter of fact it is!

JOHN: well, guess what? SCIENCE IS STUPID BULLSHIT!!!

JADE: you take that back!!!!!

JOHN: no.

JOHN: magic is awesome.

JOHN: science blows.

JOHN: the end.

JADE: john.....

JADE: what is that?

JOHN: what?

JADE: under your hood...

JADE: looks like a piece of paper stuck to your back?

JOHN: huh?

JOHN: oh god dammit.

JOHN: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!

JOHN: THAT BASTARD!!!

JADE: what?

JOHN: THIS IS TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS.

JADE: what is it??

JOHN: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

JOHN: IT IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW!!!

JOHN: RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH!

JADE: where are you going?

JOHN: I'M GOING TO GO KICK HIS ASS!

JADE: what! john, no...

JOHN: POSING AS MY DEAD FATHER BY MIMICKING ONE OF HIS GREAT FATHERLY NOTES HE USED TO HIDE AROUND THE HOUSE???

JOHN: AND ON THE TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY HE WAS SLAIN BY JACK NOIR, A *FACT* OF WHICH THAT CHEEKY ORANGE ASSHOLE IS PLAINLY AWARE??????

JOHN: THIS IS A NEW LOW, EVEN FOR DAVE SPRITE!

JADE: ok yes, that practical joke is in poor taste, but you should try to calm down and...

JOHN: NO, SCREW THAT, I AM SUPER PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS!

JOHN: THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO SETTLE THIS, AND THAT IS WITH AN OLD FASHIONED BEATDOWN.

JOHN: WHERE'S MY HAMMER!!!!!

JADE: um

JADE: which one?

JOHN: ANY OLD HAMMER!

JOHN: WHATEVER. IT COULD BE A HAMMER FROM THE BARGAIN BIN OF A HARDWARE STORE FOR ALL I CARE.

JOHN: JUST GIVE ME ANYTHING THAT'S FIT FOR CLOBBERING A GHOST BOTTOMED DICK FACE WHO'S ALSO A BIRD.

JADE: sigh

JOHN: I'M COMING FOR YOU, DAVE SPRITE!

JOHN: DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU MAGICAL SON OF A BITCH? I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!

JOHN: THAT STUNT WASN'T COOL! *YOU'RE* NOT COOL!

JOHN: LIKE IT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH YOU DUMPED JADE FOR NO REASON. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!

JOHN: YOU AND JADE WERE OUR ROCK ON THIS SHIP! YOU HEAR ME?? OUR ROOOOOOOOCK!!!

JADE: :|

JOHN: AND NOW *THIS* BULLSHIT??? WHAT THE HELL, MAN.

JOHN: I DON'T GO AROUND LEAVING FAKE PUZZLES FOR YOU LIKE FROM THE MOVIE SAW, DO I? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ME SAY I WANT TO PLAY A GAME EVEN *ONCE*?? WELL, HAVE YOU????

JOHN: NO, BECAUSE THAT WOULD STIR UP PAINFUL MEMORIES OF A DEARLY DEPARTED LOVED ONE, AND THEREFORE WOULD BE UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY OF ME!!!!!!!!

JOHN: HEY! I SEE YOU THERE!

JOHN: GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW, WISE GUY!

JOHN: OH NO, DON'T PLAY DUMB. I CAN SEE YOU PLAIN AS DAY. I'M ON TO YOU, BUDDY.

JOHN: STOP VAGUELY WATERMARKING THE SKY WITH YOUR SMUG DOUCHEY FACE THIS INSTANT AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!!!

JOHN: YEAH SURE, LAUGH IT UP! THAT MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE WAY LESS OF A TOOL. NICE GOING BRO!

JOHN: EVERYONE ON THIS BOAT IS SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT! WHY DON'T YOU JUST FLY AWAY AND LEAVE US ALONE?

JOHN: HOW CAN YOU BE SO MUCH MORE OF A PRICK THAN THE REAL DAVE? YOU ARE THE MOST PISS POOR SUBSTITUTE FOR A BEST FRIEND A GUY EVER HAD.

JOHN: I CAN'T *WAIT* TO MEET UP WITH THE REAL DAVE AGAIN. THAT WAY WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO THE AWESOME STATUS QUO OF PRETENDING YOU NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!

JADE: john...

JADE: theres no one there

JOHN: oh he's THERE alright.

JOHN: he's probably just using some sprite magic so only i can see him.

JOHN: don't you see, jade? he's antagonizing ME PERSONALLY, not you. he's done with you, remember?

JOHN: he already used you like a rented mule, and now he is moving on to greener pastures.

JADE: what pastures

JOHN: it's me.

JOHN: I'M the pastures.

JOHN: and now his mule is grazing all over them, while he has a good laugh.

JADE: what

JADE: wasnt i supposed to be the mule?

JADE: i dont think i understand your analogy

JOHN: no, you see, it's...

JOHN: the mule represented, like...

JOHN: i don't know, like the spirit animal of his douchey ways. or something.

JADE: ....

JOHN: augh, WHO CAAARES.

JOHN: who cares about mules, or pastures, or dave sprite's stupid ephemeral sky visage.

JOHN: who cares about anything!!!

JOHN: who cares about my birthday, or nic cage, or this boat full of idiots.

JOHN: JUST.

JOHN: WHO.

JOHN: CARES.

JADE: john i think youre officially throwing a tantrum here

JADE: ...

JADE: john?

JADE: john...

JADE: are you asleep?

JADE: please dont tell me you just fell asleep in your driveway

[erodasfishtacos]

HSLOT PHILLY

Like, comment, share, and come talk if you enjoyed the fic.

I write for free - so if you would like to support my work, you can donate here.

-

Harry is predictable.

He falls into the same patterns during every tour since he was on the Up All Night with One Direction.

The excitement that comes with the first couple of shows begins to fade as he starts his world wide tour that doesn’t end for nearly eight months.

His constant adrenaline wears off and his exhaustion from not having toured in two years settles deep in his bones.

YN senses it from a mile away, has nearly eleven years experience dealing with her jet-lagged, exhausted, and stubborn husband.

It hits the day of the Philadelphia show, they got in late the night before, and YN always set her alarm for seven thirty in the morning to workout.

Ninety-five percent of the time, Harry got up with her and they either did a jog around the new city or they took advantage of the in-hotel gym.

Four percent of the time, he would whine and tug the comforter over his head, whimpering, “M’too tired, baby. Stay in bed w’me.”

And then the one percent, which was today.

The alarm emits a low, constant beep that rouses YN, in the time she takes to rub her eye and come back into reality - Harry hisses with a sharp edge, “Turn tha’ fuckin’ thing off.”

She bites her tongue at his tone, reaching to turn it off but she can already tell what day they’re going to have.

YN slips out from under the covers and automatically gets a comment from her husband, it another whiney demand, “Cover m’feet, y’too the blanket off them.”

“Yes, your majesty,” YN replies reproachfully, rearranging the blankets before quietly moving around the room to change.

“Stop makin’ so much noise.”

“Turn off tha’ light.”

“S’too early f’this, d’you not care that m’tired?”

She chooses to ignore the remarks, hoping that he can sleep off the attitude.

When YN is about to leave, he grumbles, “Y’need to kiss me goodbye.”

Harry purses his lips for a soft kiss, not moving a muscle, and after that - she leaves to head down to the gym.

YN is required a body guard, definitely when she isn’t with Harry or a group of people, and she decided not to follow those rules today.

She had her TPWK water bottle in hand, a cute workout set on ***, and her AirPods tucked in her ear with some Spice Girls playing.

It’s only about twenty minutes into her exercise, a light jog on the treadmill, that a young girl slips up beside the machine.

YN is kind, stopping the belt to smile for a selfie before the girl scampers off and she resumes her run - music blasting.

However, what YN didn’t know, is that fans had found out early in the morning which hotel they where at and a hoard was rushing towards the small gym.

It’s not even ten minutes later when a swarm of fans in rushing into the work area, lining up around her machine with their phones flashing and recording.

She tries to be nice, “Hey! Uh, I’m just trying to workout. I’m sorry, but no pictures please.”

Then there is loud protest and people shoving each other, begging and pleading for a selfie or for her to sign something - all because she was Harry’s wife.

There is literally no exit to escape to, so she relents and anxiously calls Frank - one of the body guards - to come retrieve her.

-

The whole way back up to her hotel room, Frank is lecturing her about safety and how she could have gotten hurt.

And when he scans the keycard for her hotel room, she feels her stomach drop because Harry is sat against the kitchen counter.

His brown locks are rumpled and going every which way, just in his briefs that are low on his narrow hips, and absolutely irate expression on his face.

“Are y’fuckin’ kiddin’ me?” Harry snaps, brow furrowed and jaw clenched - his arms were crossed tightly against his chest.

“Good morning to you, sunshine,” YN mutters, shutting the door and kicking off her tennis shoes to the side.

“Don’t,” Harry replies sourly, “Please explain t’me why I get woken up by Frank to be told y’getting mobbed in the gym? And y’didn’t to call him.”

YN bristles at his tone, giving him a pointed look as she steps further into the room, “It’s not a big deal. I just wasn’t thinking.”

“Y’right about that, y’weren’t thinkin’. It is a big deal, y’could have gotten hurt - shouldn’t have t’babysit m’own wife,” Harry huffs, stomping back over to the bed and sliding back under the covers.

“You better watch your tone-“

They’re interrupted with a knock to their door, Harry throws the covers over his head and leaves YN to open the door.

It’s Jeff, who barges in with a coffee in one hand, “Come on, H. Did you forget? You have soundcheck early today and then you have to meet with FullStop to review the details of that new merchandise contract.”

“No, move it,” The popstar groans, muffled from the heavy blankets over him, and his manager and wife give each other a knowing look.

“We can’t. Get up, we need to leave in fifteen,” Jeff replies casually, unbothered as he sips from his to-go mug.

It has Harry dramatically ripping off the covers and getting out of bed, as he charges off towards the bathroom, he shouts backwards, “Wish someone would have fuckin’ told me! Like m’manager or m’wife!”

“Oh my god, here we go,” YN groans quietly to Jeff, snatching up the few things she needs for the venue as well as Harry’s and shoving them in his duffle.

He comes out a few moments later, dressed in running shorts and a vintage Queen shirt - going to tug on his Nikes without a word to either.

But in true Harry fashion, even when he’s mad, he’s still a gentleman. He slips the duffle off his wife’s shoulder so she doesn’t have to carry it.

“Thank you,” She murmurs but he avoids eye contact, being the first to open the hotel room and trudge towards the awaiting car.

It’s a quiet ride, Harry looks out the window with a deep frown and puffy eyes - eyes heavy from the lack of sleep.

Usually, he’d be curled into YN - snuggling as close as possible and asking for her to pet his hair to soothe him.

Not today. But he does have his hand on her thigh.

There’s already fans at the arena and Harry doesn’t acknowledge them - keeps his head down and walks quickly into the private entrance past the barricades.

When a irritated fan screams, “Asshole! We waited all night here for you!”

YN watches as Harry goes to turn, to say something but she pushes him forward through the door to prevent him from doing something he’d regret when wasn’t in a foul mood.

They manage through the long hallways, filled with bustling tour crew, and everybody there to make the show happen.

Sound check isn’t as fun as it usually is, the band stays low-key when Harry does exactly what he needs to do and nothing more.

And after the merch meeting, Harry has reached his limit apparently.

He was so tired, so fucking moody that he couldn’t deal with anymore human interaction.

YN has to step in when she gets a text from Harry Lambert.

Come get your husband. Sarah’s Kitchen.

She sighs, excusing herself from hanging out with Jeff and Glenne - she can hear him from the hallway and now she’s finally get irritated.

“I asked for that specific brand. It’s literally one of the only things I’ve asked for on this tour.”

YN takes a deep breathe before stepping in, there are crew trying not to stare as Harry complains to Sarah about something unimportant.

“Harry,” She says flatly, “Come on.”

He snatches his water bottle and follows his wife out without another word, trailing behind until they end up in his dressing room.

“You need to stop. You’re being a literal nightmare today,” YN tells him, watching him as he digs in the duffle.

“Where is m’charger? Did y’not pack it?” He ignores her words.

“I must have forgot. Harry, I know you’re tired but you can’t be treating everyone like-“

Harry pushes back the bag, seething for no reason, “I’ll treat people however the fuck I want!”

“You’re acting like a spoiled popstar right now,” YN replies, attempting to stay level-headed and calm with him.

“S’my show! M’tour!”

“Yes and everyone is here to support you and you’re treating them like shit. Including me, I’m your wife - the one person in the world that’s here for you no matter what and you’re being downright mean.”

“Y’so fuckin’ sensitive,” Harry mutters angrily, digging around to try to find a charger in a different bag.

And…that stung a bit.

When he doesn’t get a response, he looks up and notices how her demeanor had changed - it brings him back to reality for a little bit.

“I’m not going to stay here and be talked to like that because you don’t feel good. I’ll leave you alone because you are being insufferable.”

“Bab-“

YN is already out the door, storming back to Sarah’s kitchen to apologize for her husband’s diva behavior and everyone shrugs her off - knowing it’s not her fault.

She is sat down with the band and a few others when her husband saunters in, he doesn’t look at anyone else as he walks up to his wife.

“Baby, can I talk to you?” He mumbles, his warm hand coming to cup her shoulder.

“Harry,” YN says back, they’ve been together for so long that those words are all she needs to say for him to formulate a response.

“Come nap w’me please, need you. I’ll apologize t’you,” Harry says, his palm encompassing and big on her.

“Harry,” She repeats.

The crew looks on in amusement as Harry huffs, he lifts his head and speaks loudly to the room at once, “I apologize for my behavior. I have no excuse for getting upset like I have been today. I hope you guys can forgive me.”

Everyone assures him that they forgive him, most of them have dealt with actual spoiled celebrities and Harry was just having a bad day (which still really wasn’t that bad.)

“Okay, come on, bunny,” YN agrees, satisfied and can’t help but smile a bit when she stands up and Harry automatically intertwines their fingers to hold her hand.

The sofa in his dressing room folds out to be a bed and they still had hours before the show.

Once they’ve locked the doo and settled down on the mattress - they’re both laying on their sides, facing each other.

“M’sorry, darlin’,” Harry whispers, “I haven’t been very nice t’you today. I was just upset about the gym thing and just being so tired.”

YN hums, combing throwing his fluffy curls with her fingers as his hands explore over her hips and belly like always.

“You always get like this every once in a while on tour, like a little spoiled popstar,” YN says softly, no sharpness in her tone, “You also need to be nice to your wife.”

“M’always nice t’my wife,” He mumbles childishly, leaning forward to nip at her chin, “I am sorry, know tha’ when I act like that it embarrasses you.”

“You’re better than acting like that,” YN reminds him, allowing him to tug her into his warm, now bare chest, “I’m never gonna let you turn into some fame monster. You’re gonna stay the kind, funny, compassionate person I met when I was young.”

And when YN doesn’t get a reply, she glances to see Harry’s eyes shut, mouth slightly parted as he breathes rhythmically and his entire face relaxes as he sleeps.

“Still my boy,” YN murmurs lovingly, nuzzling before letting sleep overtake her.

-

[dailytatsu]

Hello! I saw request were open so i was wondering if i could request some headcanons of the Archons and/or the Adepti meeting a God reader who is the God of Chaos and destruction. The reader is not a Archon tho and travels all over Teyvat cuz small bits of destruction were ever they go. They're pretty mischievous and somewhat smug but despite how they act they're actually a good person. They dont mean to cause problems(most of the time anyways) chaos follows them were ever they go. Idk if you have a character limit but if you do please tell me so i wont make a mistake again. And if there is you can just do Zhongli and Xiao. Optionally could you make them a dendro user, there not a lot of dendro content and if not thats fine. I understand. Could you make the reader Gn or Non-binary they/them pronouns please? If not male reader is totally fine. Im so sorry for the long post and I hope you have a good day/night!

Ohmy, it’s my first time just writing headcanons! I’m use to write a lot, so let’s hope I did it right (^ ^' )7

Thanks for the request! ✨

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[HC] God of Chaos! Reader and the Archons + Xiao

Characters: Zhongli, Xiao, Venti, Shogun Raiden (Ei).

Gn! Reader

I tried doing it with everyone but I’m no still that confident to try writing with some characters ＿|￣|○

Sorry for any mistakes!

Request are open!

Genshin Masterlist

Second part ->

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VENTI

To be honest, he didn't notice your presence at first. He had other concerns on his mind that day to perceive the chaotic (and slightly threatening) aura that Mondstadt was infected with that day.

Barbatos is a person of habit, so he couldn't help but be curious when the crowd in front of him began to look a little agitated instead of seeming to enjoy his lyre and his songs.

But then a series of domino events appeared in front of his very eyes.

The purity of the chaos was such that he felt overwhelmed, even without the white-haired boy around, if it wasn’t Bennett fault, then how was it possible for everything to be ruined in such a short time?

His patience ended when, out of nowhere, the strings of his lyre jumped close to his face as they snapped. Making that awful noise that couldn’t mean nothing good.

Okay, enough, who is messing around in here? No more joking in his nation!

He concentrated a little, a faint but unique presence kept his nerves on edge, as if he was being watched from afar. He moved away from the busy areas and then chased that ephemeral energy to the highest point of the church, where the bells were ringing in an irregular and stressful way.

Then he found you. Snoozing against one of the columns, somewhat tired because the trip you made to reach Mondstadt.

Surprisingly, Barbatos understood you since the first exchange of words. A god of chaos who was also a free spirit, you followed no rules ever written in Teyvat, and you had no plans to apologize for the mess you made.

Both of you were Zhongli’s worst nightmare, but that’s another story.

He managed to through your arrogance and your teasing nature that you, in fact, were a lonely spirit that liked to witness the life from above of everyone.

The difference between teasing someone accidentally and committing a crime was really visible, but he still couldn't help but feel like he should scold you after your mere presence messed up with the guild's baskets full of fish.

But hey! He also enjoy the company! Venti tried to teach you how to enjoy the calm and the whisper of wind, music can also contain chaos, feelings, old stories waiting to be told again, expressions and desire united, in a wonderful piece of-

As you yawned his lyre broke up again. Making clear the message.

Okay, not even God of Freedom and Wind can control chaos. Anyways, what a tragedy, but there’s nothing a simple bard can do, smh.

“Do you like kids, don’t you?” He said once, after a nice day of hearing him sing before your chaos reached his little concert. Again watching everyone from above on the hands of the statue, with your attention caught by some kids playing tag.

“… I don’t know what do you mean.” Once discovered you had no choice but to remain defensive, pretending to be disinterested.

“Heh, you aren’t a good liar.” It may not be the wisest thing to make fun of someone who could destroy the place where you were resting, but Venti was confident that he knew you well enough to know that you were not so explosive. “You know!, I just have some pieces, but I think it’s because they are little walking concentrations of pure and innocent chaos, am I wrong?”

He wasn’t, no at all. But you would never confess something that embarrassing.

This guy wrote a ballad about the days when Mondstadt got immerse with that strike of bad luck. Kind of an apology of not being able to handle the situation.

Now there’s the rumor that says that, every time somebody sings that song, something unlucky will happen in front of you.

The song is cursed.

One night when the moon was shining on the Cider Lake his well tuned ears distinguished a melody that was broken from time to time by the accidents of his performer, distracting him of his way to look for you.

It could be painful to listen to, but Venti could certainly feel the dedication of the one who was playing the imperfect song.

The ballad of the god of chaos, hummed like a lullaby that instead of making you sleep makes you question the events of the day. Wishing for the slightest thing to be different after an exhaustive week of peace and tranquility.

A lonely spirits cursing their existence, sitting in the highest point of a stranger’s palace, where you can reach the sky by only rising your hand.

The next day, Barbatos invited you to drink some wine, this time near Windrise to avoid accidents in the city.

As he almost dropped the bottle when a lot of slimes were attracted by your presence, he confirmed the theory about that the way to spend time with you would not be his personal definition of hanging out.

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ZHONGLI

Okay, there’s only two scenarios that could happened when you set a foot in Liyue.

Old man has a soft spot for you for being a relative young deity.

Or he’s always lecturing you for not having control of your aura and powers.

How u dare bringing chaos to the nation of order? It’s that a death wish?

Jokes aside, you’re not really a threat. And he could sense that after he saw how you tried to avoid having direct contact with the city. Rex Lapis found your silhouette jumping and crossing through the mountains until reaching the fairest point that allowed you to enjoy the view of the streets that were filled with life and light as the sunsets.

He even noticed how you sighed in frustration when a storm started out of nowhere. A rain dedicated just for the arriving of the God of Chaos. Not even bothering of getting shield, you stayed in your place to look at all the people who were getting back to their places.

The rain seemed to stop over your head, for a second was enough to stop you from being cruelly swamped by the very weather you had created. An elegant umbrella covered you, the long awaited surprise you expected from someone as outdated as Morax.

You looked up, and found his expression calm and attentive, watching you. As if he had made a great discovery that he could not believe

“May I have a moment of your time to keep you company? Letting out your sorrows in the middle of a torrential storm is not what I would recommend as way to spend a good day.”

“… What are you talking about? Get in your own business, old man.”

“Well, you should know that a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.”

Next time you knew was that he was helping you to dry your hair with a towel once you let him guide you to his place.

Zhongli picked you up like a abandoned cat that day. Even if having you near meant to deal with new the roof leaks.

Also kept you away from Hu Tao, if you two ever get along for being partners in crime he would seal himself underground-

For all the time you spend exploring Liyue, there he was. Like a little kid showing his treasures. But also like a worried father looking after his child for them not to stumble making their first steps.

Look at you! Almost crushing those Treasure Hoarders when a bunch of rocks fell down after you jumped at the edge of the cliff.

Wait, no- come back here! You should verify the surroundings and be aware of the weight of your power if you’re going to explore in that bold way. You, chaotic brat.

Another one who believed fervently that your mood was to blame for the constant chaos you caused. He also tried to show you the wonders of peace and calm, teaching you how to prepare tea while listening to the storyteller (also both being a little far away from the rest of them, just in case).

He couldn’t help but sigh when the teapot arm broke as soon as you tried to serve the tea. What a waste, he thought.

You apologized to him, kind of stressed with yourself after you took all the pieces with your bare hands to run away with them. Leaving a confused Zhongli behind.

Next day you were back, with the teapot repaired and just like new.

He let out a lot of thankful words, some flattering and a lot more cheesy things that you never had received before.

With that unexpected affection you couldn’t help but react flustered; then a cat that was chasing a bird jumped through a lot of decorations and merchandise, almost starting a fire as the chained events kept going.

Yeah,, uh, Zhongli got some useful mental notes about you and your chaos that day.

Hey, before you go, want to make a contract? You won’t regret it!

But as the wandering spirit you were you had no problems in reject his offer, but also promising that you would visit Liyue if he wanted you to.

Of course he wanted! But.. maybe next time you should stay in Huaguang Stone Forest instead of roaming near the city,,

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XIAO

Tried to kill you.

I mean, your aura is threatening and full of a destructive energy, how is possible that you weren’t a demon to eradicate??

Sorry, but he had a point.

Your first met was on your way to reach Huaguang Stone Forest along with Zhongli for introduce you with the Adeptus.

Xiao, in the other side, thought that you were about to attack Morax from behind, so he just struck against you. With his polearm near to go through your chest, just stopped because you felt him before.

Lifting your hand at his direction, summoning chaos, this time, on purpose. The wind gained a wrathful nature and the biggest roots that were hiding under his feet rose to caught him.

And when you were about to hit each other Zhongli’s shield appeared just in time to separate both of you. Preventing a real catastrophic event.

Now stop fighting and introduce to each other.

Nice(n’t) to meet u.

What if you tried to awake Azhdaha to bring chaos and destruction to Liyue? What if you wanted to summoned Osial? What if… ?

Zhongli had to confirm and promise to him that those cruel possibilities won’t be a near future for respecting the real reason of your travel.

No matter if he wasn’t comfortable with your presence, it wasn’t his decision to allow you to roam freely, so he had to get use to it.

He immediately knew after hearing about your nature that was your fault that lately there were a lot more demons and monsters. Even his karma was getting more painful than usual.

(If you ever meet Hu Tao, please think twice before doing Xiao a prank)

You both didn’t interact a lot, and being honest, it was better that way.

He hadn’t a single intention of talking with you again until the day you were practicing the song that your Anemo friend taught you. By the other hand, Xiao noticed that the melody had the same nature as the one he once heard before being consumed by the karma.

It wasn’t a flute, but a worn lyre that was still in one piece after weeks of being repaired again and again.

“That song… ”

“Do you know it?” Xiao just nodded, staying in silence, being your very first audience even if you still have a lot to learn about playing a lyre.

It wasn’t as effective as the original, but was still… nice, kind of nostalgic.

Next morning, the Yaksha called for you. Made you stay still in the middle of a plain and then he disappeared of your sight.

He abandoned y- wait, what’s that? Why those monsters has that weird dark aura?

You were about to defend yourself until Xiao appeared back just in time to defeat them.

That day you became his personal bait for demons and monsters. Naturally you attracted chaos, so anyway you were, there will be also something to fight.

I guess this is your way to pay for all the troubles you made for him and his duty, so no complaining about it.

If you ask for a unexpected experience to Ganyu she would said that once she found both of you fighting along against the catastrophe, looking after each other’s back and almost having a perfect synchrony.

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SHOGUN RAIDEN; EI

Also tried to kill you.

Well, the puppet tried to.

And then Ei tried when you had the opportunity of facing her.

But since killing a god just mean the releasing of a lot, pure, energy she couldn’t afford that risk, much less considering your “speciality”.

Who knows what would happen to Inazuma if your vital energy burst across the nation. Just like that old story about Sal Terrae and their goddess.

She just defeated you. Letting you rest and recovering in the midst of the plane of her reality within her mind. Your inert body in the middle of the battlefield as she kept meditating.

When you woke up she ignored your presence, but also denying your complaints about letting you go out back.

In her words, you were a burden, another enemy of eternity. Something as unpredictable as you and your “accidents” couldn’t get along with her utopia.

Ei could banish you from Inazuma, but she knows your type. Stubborn and not accepting the most simple orders to obey.

She knew that you would found a way to be back.

It’s better like this.

And in the hypothetical case of you being freed when she trapped the traveler (kicking you out) and then having a chance to see her again after the end of the war, then things would be somewhat different.

There’s not that much of civilization on some islands, so she allowed you to explore as much as your heart wanted. But if something serious happen, she promised that would end her work in the middle of the sea so your remains never be found.

Okay, message clear. Just do chaos near monsters and bandits, got it,,

Even if she wanted to spend some time with you and telling you some stories about Inazuma and other gods she couldn’t found the right time to call you at her presence.

As the current ruler of Inazuma she was busier than the rest of Archons you have meet. Maybe just some letters now and then like a way to keep a logbook, but not really a face to face talk.

Until she got the opportunity of a day off, just to found you messing around near some ruins. Trying to solve a puzzle before your speciality strikes in. The structure fell down after your fingertips reached the stone.

When the dust dissipated, you discovered her figure judging you from the other side of the remain ruins.

Give her a good reason for not errase you from the map, I dare u.

You felt the worst was about to come when Ei ordered you to follow her after a long sigh. Crossing her arms and starting to walk away from the bunch of old and worn rock.

Plot Twist, she actually invited you to rest under a tree, asking in her serene voice the reason for your journey and your origin. In such a direct way that it seemed more like a sentence than a talk to get to know each other better.

You answered what you could remember and then the silence stayed like the only way of interaction between you two.

Ohno, you know this pattern. Something’s about to happen-

“There is some strange beauty in the chaos, it may be the calm after the storm, but the catastrophe itself is seen as a necessary evil to appreciate the stillness. How much it would last until the lighting hit the valley?”

“So I arrived to keep order between the humans?”

Well yes, but actually no.

“… You see, if there is nothing but order and a lack of problems, mortals are likely to create them on their own. Their minds feels the need to be tested, to prove their worth, so I guess some of your chaos may be part of the history.”

“… then shall we take a walk in Inazuma?” You did not know if you were right, but you thought you saw a faint smile through his lips in the same way that lightning can be seen in the sky.

“I’ll allow it.” She said.

Her only condition was for you not to approach the huge boxes of fireworks down the street.

[urimaginespimp]

Dare Coupons and Wrong Ideas

2nd and last part of A Naked Nurse and Wrong Ideas (Read this first to know what’s going on)

Bucky x Reader + Avengers still thinking you slept together

A/N: I didn’t expect a lot of you would enjoy the first part so as requested, here’s a follow up!

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When you woke up, you were alone in your room, and it was already the next day. You only have small recollections of Bucky constantly checking your temperature, feeding you soup, and making you take medicine.

Your cheeks flushed at the memory that he had to only be in his boxer briefs because your AC had to be off or else you would’ve frozen to death.

Plugging your phone as the battery was about to drain, you saw that it had numerous messages from the team – some were saying congratulations to you and Bucky, Wanda was asking you for details, Sam was thanking you for making him 50 bucks richer, and Tony was saying you owe him money.

You didn’t think finally getting along with Bucky was that big of a deal for everyone. Chuckling, you decided to hop in the shower before getting some breakfast.

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“I told you, nothing happened.” Bucky was scowling at Sam who was ignoring him for the nth time that morning.

“I remember you also insisting you didn’t like Star Wars, then I caught you ordering Baby Yoda merchandise on Amazon. So, forgive me if I’d rather hear about what we saw yesterday from your new girlfriend.” Sam smirked, not looking up from his phone.

The rest of the team in the kitchen snickered. They were not giving him the chance to explain himself since he got there. Steve has warned them that he’s prone to lie and get defensive when he’s embarrassed.

Huffing in annoyance like a child, he sunk in his seat thinking of ways he could convince them that he was telling the truth, when you finally appeared.

“Good morning.” You mumbled a small greeting and made your way to the cupboards to get some cereal. He noted that you look a lot better than yesterday, and that you just showered.

Heading to the table, bowl in your hands, Nat gestured for you to sit between her and Wanda, and across from Steve, Clint, and Tony. Taking your seat, you scanned who else was on the long dining table, and your eyes landed on Bucky who was five seats away from Steve, and next to him was Sam, and Peter.

You gave Bucky a small smile as a thank you, mentally noting that you had to thank him personally in private later. But unbeknownst to you, the rest of the team took this as a “moment” and were exchanging meaningful looks, except for Tony.

Bucky returned the smile, grateful that you were finally here to clear things up for everyone and prove that he was telling the truth. But then Sam just had to be a villain.

“Hey tinman. I still have 3 dare coupons from you last Christmas. Now I dare you to keep your mouth shut for the rest of the morning.” He said in a low voice, raising his brows when Bucky was about to protest.

“Fine.” he huffed.

“All’s clear!” Sam said loudly, making you jump a little from your seat. What was that about?

“So... Y/N.” Steve started speaking, making you look up to him. “Bucky, huh? Who knew?”

“I know, right?” you smiled at him. So, you and Bucky finally getting along was that big of a deal for them. Maybe it was for team morale.

Nat cleared her throat before turning to you with a grin. “Sam, Steve, and I went to your room yesterday to check on you after FRIDAY said you haven’t been out of your room all morning. And uh, well a partially dressed Bucky greeted us.”

Looking across you again, Steve, Clint and Tony were also looking at you expectantly. You get how it must’ve been confusing why he had to take care of you in only his boxer briefs.

“Oh, I was actually the one who told him to just take it off. It was just getting too hot for him.” You shrugged and missed how Peter spat milk from his seat, and Sam telling him to keep it together.

“So how was he?” Wanda couldn’t keep herself from sounding too eager to know. You raised a brow in confusion at her but answered.

“Honestly, I didn’t know he could be that gentle.” You thought back to how Bucky was gentle and patient in taking care of you.

“Oh wow.” Wanda responded; eyes wide.  Steve was turning red and was now avoiding making eye contact.

Bucky was smirking from his seat. At first, he thought it was going to be more embarrassing for him, but now he was actually enjoying how the team was torn between wanting to know more, and trying to spare themselves the visuals of their friends going at it.

“How would you uh... rate him.” Wanda asked again, making Vision nudge her for the question.

“Well, it did seem like he knew what he was doing. I’d say he has a lot of experience. I'd give it a ten.” You nodded at her, smiling at the thought of how the brooding guy could’ve once been the main caretaker for his sick siblings.

Bucky coughed to mask him laughter, making Sam glare at him.

“How are you now? Is the soreness gone?” It almost pained Clint to even ask that, but he knew everybody else was dying to ask.

“I’m still a bit sore, and my throat does hurt a little still, but nothing some more rest would get rid of.” you shrugged.

Tony turned his attention to Bucky, glaring. “Might have to ask him for tips then.” Clint replied, clearing his throat.

“There’s a kid here, you guys. Keep it down.” Steve warned all of you, referring to how Peter was also in the room, listening to the entire conversation.

“What, I think Pete here could also get some tips.” You replied. Why wouldn’t Steve want Peter to know how to take care of sick people? It’s not like it’s entirely different from how they do it today.

Sam choked on his toast, and it was now Peter's turn to mockingly tell him to keep it together.

“Let me just ask this. Is this a one-time thing?” It was now Tony’s time to ask. He’s always treated you like a daughter, so he wasn’t a big fan of you and Bucky getting together.

You didn’t think Tony was gonna be mad at you for getting sick. This hurt you a little, but you understand that it was your own stupidity that got you sick in the first place. It would’ve been bad if you had to miss a mission.

“I hope so? I really don’t want to miss any missions because I can barely move any muscles. I’m sorry, Tony.” You gave him a guilty look. “But it’s nice to know I could count on Bucky whenever I need any help.” You continued.

The rest of the team, shifted in their seats from cringing at what you just said.

Sam turned to a smirking Bucky. “You’re disgusting.” he said to him.

You finally turned your attention to Bucky. “Anyway, I never got to thank you this morning because when I woke up you were gone.” you smiled at him.

“WHAT?” Nat spoke loudly from beside you.

“You left before she woke up?!” Tony exclaimed. Steve glared at his friend, disappointed that he’d do such thing. The rest of the team were also scowling at him.

“It’s no big deal you guys, he had to stay up all night.” you defended Bucky, making him shake in his seat from now full-on laughing.

“You think this is funny, Barnes?!” Tony got up from his seat to stalk towards him. You got up as well to diffuse the situation.

“Woah, woah, woah. Why are you guys so mad at him?” you asked, standing beside Bucky who was still losing his shit on his seat.

“We know he’s been crushing on you, but he can’t just sleep with you and leave you like that!” Tony was all red from anger.

You paused from where you were standing to take in what he meant. And when it finally sank in why they were all acting so strange, you joined Bucky in laughter.

You rested your hand on Bucky’s shoulder for support, tears brimming your eyes from laughing too hard.

The team was now looking at you both in confusion.

“You thought we slept together?” You asked in between laughter.

“Well, what the hell could all of this have meant?!” Clint asked from his seat.

“I was sick and Bucky was nursing me.” you explained, composing yourself.

“Why was he in his underwear then? Because I do not need to know that you guys were role playing.” Sam interjected, a sour look on his face.

“My AC was off because I was too cold. I got sick because I raced you under a thunderstorm the night before, remember?” you said looking at Sam.

Collective Ohs were heard in the room.

--------

That afternoon, you were peacefully reading a book on your bed when you heard small knocks on your door.

“Come in.” you said out loud.

The door opened softly and Bucky came in with a smile on his face. “Hey, doll. How are you feeling?”

“I’m actually doing a lot better, Buck. Why, are you planning to strip off to your undies if I were sick again?” you joked, patting on a space infront of you on the bed.

“If you wanted me to so badly, all you have to do is ask, Y/N.” He chuckled and sat in front of you.

“Our friends are ridiculous.” You laughed, thinking back to what happened this morning.

“I know.” He nodded. “They got one thing right though.” he smiled at you again.

“And that is...?”

“I have been crushing on you.” He admitted, his cheeks turning a tinge of pink.

“So, I was right to tease you before.” you smiled smugly.

“Shut up.” he looked down, feeling your sheets in between his fingers.

“If it makes you feel any better, I am attracted to you too.” you admitted, and a boyish smile stretched on his lips.

“Was you being sick all a ploy to get me in my underwear?” he teased, and you smacked him playfully with a pillow near you. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

A comfortable silence passed, both of you just grinning, avoiding eye contact.

“You know, I never got to properly thank you for taking care of me.” You broke the silence.

“How could you ever repay me?” he asked in an exaggerated tone.

“Would a kiss from your crush, suffice?” you teased again, wiggling your brows playfully.

“Hey, you just said you like me too!” He defended himself. “But, yes.” he smiled sheepishly.

“Fine.” you playfully rolled your eyes before leaning in.

His lips were softer than you expected, and you could tell that he was smiling. Pulling you closer to him, both of you were getting carried away from what was supposed to be a quick peck, and missed to hear the creak from your door opening.

“I knew it!” A booming voice cut you both off. Head snapping to the doorway, Sam was standing there with a smug look on his face before leaving and letting the entire compound know that you were both lying that morning.

“Who’s gonna believe us now?” you let out a soft chuckle.

“I guess I have to ask you out on a date now, huh.” Bucky was grinning at you, playfulness lacing his tone.

“Oh, how inconvenient for you.” you gave his lips a quick before finally moving away, giggling.

--------

Tag list:

@lizzarooni @intothesoul

Special tag bc they asked for pt 2:

@coffeebooksandfandom @harrystylesandthegoobs

--------

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

[redantsunderneath]

This is off by just enough to completely frustrate me into writing something. There’s a bunch of little iffy details but the main thing is that it misplaces the real historical roots of Fox's rights to the X-Men, although the information around the impact of this and the looming ret-ret-con are largely correct. Variant covers are a blight, but they only became truly industry health threatening in and of themselves in the 2000s, especially starting 2010-12; before then they were one facet of the event minded beanie baby-mentality - get-cher multimillion-seller, speculator driven pumped up numbers and leave retailers holding the bag.

One notable detail: the meme itself mentions 1986 Marvel variant covers, when the 1986 thing it is referencing is DC’s Man of Steel number one (Marvel didn’t start doing this until 1990), the pertinence of which was being the first comic printed with more than one distinct cover solely aimed at moving more product. That is selling it short, though, as it is maybe more important as an event comic that is part of a broader push in which upselling units by leveraging the in-a-bind retailer's relationship to FOMO addled customers, not variant covers specifically, is what makes it the progenitor of what tanked the market in 1995.

Forget that, though.  If you want root cause analysis that goes back to this historical level, I think you have to start with the nature of Marvel to begin with.

Marvel/Timely/Atlas has always been particularly thirsty, cringingly so. It was not unusual in the 30s for all the teeming numbers of comic companies formed by hustlers just trying to make a buck to be in the mode of making money however they can, grabbing for quick attention. However, all the other ones (besides killer instinct National and the related companies that eventually wound up being DC) cashed out at some point, or went bankrupt and mostly folded into DC itself (not only due to the nature of the market, but due to DC’s killer instinct of lawyering and backstabbing its way to dominance… the story of Max Gaines being liberated of All American comics is really quite incredible), leaving Timely as the last thirsty jackal alone with the Lion. This ethos stayed with Marvel into the 70s and 80s (due in no small part to Stan Lee being the perfect guy to embody this kind of short-view shucking and jiving) in the form of lame and low rent merchandising efforts, to the extent that their big initiative for decades was having some shop on 36th and 7th or something make cheap looking outfits that they could aggressively market to people’s birthday parties. Their mass media was cheaply made (e.g. cut up "cartoons") and their handling of the movie properties was really ill considered. Even before the events of 2 below, they were already swimming in bad-deal options they were waiting on to expire, only to have the holders make something really bad to keep the rights.  The company was always trying to get out from under some or other bad deal in order to make another bad deal, usually with the company involved in the first bad deal making more money than Marvel. They didn’t seem to think about trying to find people to work with who would make something worthwhile, or just make something at all. The bluebook value on my five-year-old car is greater than the amount of money they eventually made from the first Blade movie.

The company gets acquired by Ron Perlman at the end of the 80s. You can think of him as a junk-bond king, etc., but the nature of him at Marvel was one of a protracted pump and dump scheme where he loaded the company with trust-emulating assets in an effort to make it a look a much bigger affair, acquiring Toy Biz and a distributor, to make the company look like it was worth a lot when he eventually flipped it. One thing that is poorly understood is that the company did not need to go bankrupt - they were not in great financial shape, but the bankruptcy was initiated by Perlman so that he could override the board of directors because Ike Perlmutter and the members aligned with him were already trying to wrestle control away. It was during this period where the X-Men movie rights were being dithered with, as Fox had an option stemming from the cartoon that was going to make it difficult not only for Marvel to seek other options, but for them to get significant financial windfall from the project even if it was completed and made money. It was in this environment that a deal was struck that, to honor Marvel’s other options, the other rights holders could use the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver, but that they could not be used “as X-Men” which meant they could not be mutants, the concept of which was from then contractually obliged to be a function of the Fox held X-Men property.

There’s not enough emphasis here on the sour grapes aspect of attempting to will the Inhumans into replacing the X-Men in the popular consciousness, and how poorly this went. The idea in the comics was to minimize the X-Men, and promoting the Inhumans as way more important, while using the characters in their televisual produced entertainment to outcompete Fox. The ret-cons are particularly ugly, no one bit on this at all not even a little, and the TV efforts have not exactly aged into a fond memory. However, there is a lot of residua from this lying around the comics including a “white event” like thing where they tried to create a bunch of new mutants–that–weren’t–actually–mutants in a single event to replace the population, and maybe show Fox who’s boss.

The Merrill Lynch deal that allowed them to use 10 characters as collateral for a loan to start Marvel Studios in earnest (it already technically had been around for eight or nine years) was after Marvel entered a phase of aggressively trying to buy back the rights of as many characters as possible. Iron Man, Hulk, Black Widow, etc. had already been optioned out when the plan was hatched and had to be re-acquired before that deal closed. It’s no doubt that the reason this was doable was that by focusing on the Avengers as a bigger thing than the sum of its parts, the use of the less recognizable characters made it easier to recover rights piecemeal, but it's not like Tony Stark was just laying there.

I'm so tired

[zoeykallus]

Bad Batch – No Payne No Gain 2 – What Did He Say?

Bad Batch FF X Female OC (Zoey Payne)

Warnings: Strong Language

_________________

The atmosphere is a little tense during the deal with the Wookies. Apart from that, Hunter is not particularly quick to understand clues. Tech, for his part, doesn't get along too well with the smuggler.

_________________

What Happened Before:

The Bad Batch - No Payne No Gain 1 - The Meeting

Part 2 - What Did He Say?

The Wookies were huge, Zoey was always amazed and also a little intimidated but knew how to hide it well.

Hunter and Tech put down the box of merchandise and nodded to the Wookies.

The eyes of the Wookies fell on the pendants they carried and the atmosphere seemed to relax a little, at least for the moment.

The leader of the group addressed Hunter, who of course understood nothing, whereupon Hunter looked a little helplessly back and forth between Tech and Payne.

"He wants you to open the boxes," the smuggler said.

Tech nodded in agreement to which she forestalled with the translation.

"I should note that I understand the language as well," he said, almost a little indignantly.

With raised eyebrows, Payne looked at him and said, "Okay, you'll get a cookie later as an apology."

Tech frowned indignantly, shifted his goggles with a jerky motion, and said to Hunter: "She's pretty outrageous, do we really need her?"

"Yes," Hunter returned curtly, trying to focus on the situation at hand.

The Wookies stepped closer, looked at the contents of the boxes and exchanged a few words, or rather sounds, among themselves. They seemed satisfied and one among them asked about the rest of the goods.

"They are satisfied so far and want to see all the merchandise," Tech said hastily before Zoey could say anything.

Her green eyes flashed at him in amusement and she suppressed a grin, finding his overzealous behavior kind of amusing. Like a little schoolboy who couldn't wait until he was finally called on.

The two men went to get the rest of the boxes and Zoey chatted a bit with the Wookies, who seemed to like her, but they didn't like the two men very much. Apparently they had recognized a clone in Hunter, and the Wookies had had some pretty bad experiences with those toward the end of the war. Zoey assured the Wookies that Hunter and Tech were different, clones in a way, but against the Empire and for the Rebellion. For now, the Wookies accepted what she told them, but they still didn't seem too happy.

As Tech and Hunter put down the last box, Hunter said to the redhead, "Hey, somehow I feel like the mood has tipped. Or does it just seem that way to me?"

He had a good grasp of things, I'll give him that, Zoey thought.

"You're right, the mood is indeed on the ropes a bit. They recognized you as a clone, and the Wookies aren't too keen on clones," Zoey clarified to him with a shrug.

"I see," Hunter grumbled "Is there anything we can do to lighten the mood?"

"No," the smuggler replied curtly "Do the deal and don't get any ideas about screwing with the guys and you'll get out of here alive. Don't try to explain yourself or anything, I already did that, just carry on as normal"

One of the Wookies grumbled something and he didn't seem very friendly. Tech stared at him with his mouth open and his gaze wandered a little helplessly to Zoey.

Hunter looked from one to the other and cautiously asked, "What did he say?"

"I'm not sure I want to translate that," Tech said nervously.

Hunter raised his eyebrows and looked into Zoey's amused face.

She leaned over one of the boxes to him and said sweetly, "He says you guys need to stop talking and get down to business or he'll rip both your arms off and shove them so far up your ass your fingers will come out of your mouth."

Tech nodded, "Correct."

Hunter cleared his throat and said, "Of course we don't want that. The goods are here, all there, as agreed" and pointed to the boxes.

Goods and payment were exchanged and after a quick goodbye, the two clones, along with the smuggler, boarded the Marauder again.

"That was more tense than I expected," Hunter muttered.

Zoey leaned against the copilot's seat in the cockpit and said, "Toward the end of the war, when the clones turned on the Jedi, the Wookies helped Master Joda escape from their planet. The consequences were mass killings and executions of Wookies by the Empire. I can understand why they hate your kind."

Tech looked at the smuggler grimly and said, "The regular clones had no choice at all, they were controlled by inhibitor chips, it was not their choice to turn against the Jedi. The Empire had them completely under control"

Zoey nodded, "I know, Rex told me the story. Still I understand the Wookies, they suffered a trauma that affected their entire species, inhibitor chips or not, that they can't trust you so easily is still understandable"

Tech looked back down at his holopad and muttered, "That may be true"

"How do you know so much about the Wookies?", Hunter wanted to know as Tech was about to start the hyperspace jump.

"I lived on Kashyyyk for many years in my youth, even before the war, I spent most of my childhood here".

Hunter nodded, he still had a lot of questions about her, for some reason he still wanted to know a lot of things about the pretty smuggler, but he kept those questions to himself for now.

"We will stop over on Ord Mantell as we discussed. Do you have someone to pick you up from there or another way to move on?" he asked instead.

On Zoey's full, rosy lips, appeared a small smile as she replied, "Want to get rid of me already, Sergeant?"

At the same moment that Hunter said "No" in surprise, Tech said "Yes" Hunter as well as Zoey looked at the pilot, frowning. Tech ducked under the stares and mumbled an apology. Zoey laughed softly, she wasn't miffed, she knew not everyone got along with her personality. Tech was far too tame and delicate to get along with someone like her for any length of time.

"No," Hunter finally repeated, "I didn't mean it that way, of course."

Zoey gave him a smile that seemed to crawl under his skin.

"I'm staying for a day or two before I get picked up. I've rented a room above Cid's Bar. Rex will pick me up there in two days," she explained to him.

Hunter nodded slowly and said, "Then I'll be sure to see you before you leave Ord Mantell."

Zoey nodded, "I'm assuming so," with a smile she added "If you're not doing anything tonight, we could spend some time together. I could use a little fun"

Hunter didn't seem to understand the innuendo at all, because the answer he gave came in such a casual, innocent tone that Zoey had to grin.

"Sure, we'll have some quiet time after this assignment. We could get together tonight."

Tech, who surprisingly understood the innuendo very well, cocked an eybrow, but said nothing in response.

[blackstar95]

The Brothers reaction when MC slaps their ass

Lucifer

As usual, Lucifer listened to some classical music and poured himself a glass of wine to relax a bit.

Once he was done, he brought the glass to his lips and took a sip, savoring the taste.

"Mhm," he hummed to the sound of the melody and blissfully closed his eyes, enjoying the quiet moment he was having.

Much to his dismay, you entered his office without making yourself noticable.

Now dont get me wrong, he loves enjoys your company.

But not when your main goal is to tease him.

An thats exactly what you were doing.

You grinned mischievously as you slowly crept up to him, his back turned to you.

Since he was in his own state of mind, he didn't noticed anything.

That was until you reached your hand out.

In that milisecond, Lucifer's senses were tingling and his eyes shot open, turning around as fast as lightning.

But it was too late.

He only watched as your right hand colided with his left buttcheek, giving it a good squeeze afterwards.

Lucifer jumped and just stared at you in shock, processing what just happend.

And you just stood there with an empty expression, your eyes starring at your palm.

"Wow, your butt is actuallly softer than I thought".

Lucifer furrowed his brows in anger and shook his head.

"MC".

"Yeah?" You asked, looking up at him innocently.

Lucifer had that closed eyed smile with an dark aura surrounding him.

"Now, what made you think this was an good idea, MC?".

You shrugged and slowly walked backwards, shivering nervously "I dont know.. I was just curious?"

"Curious?" He met up with your steps and tilted his head to the side, his smile never leaving

He became dangerously close, making you more nervous than you already are.

You felt your back hitting the wall and your eyes widened.

Oh lord...

Lucifer slammed his palm beside your head, caging you.

You flinched and looked to the ground, feeling suddenly so tiny under him.

Lucifer cupped your cheek and made you look back up at him, a sadistic smile on his lips.

"Such inappropriate behavior should be punished, MC"

I leave the rest up to your imagination.

Mammon

Mammon was walking beside you as always, being practically attached to your hip (nothing new).

You guys were at R.A.D on your way to the cafeteria, since it was break time.

The greedy demon beside you rambled about that new scheme to make money, and you once again had to talk him out of it.

"Ya! It aint a dumb idea!" He protested.

"It is Mammon. Just think about Lucifers reaction and the consequences," you shook your head "Want to hang from the ceiling that bad?".

Mammon only scuffed, turning his head to the side.

You glanced over to him and noticed a visible pout on his lips, making him look like a child.

"Hey, Mammon".

"Hm?" He looked over at you "What's up?".

You raised your hand and reached over for his bottom, smiling sweetly at him.

"Cheer up".

He was about to question you, but before he could even start his sentence, you cutted him off with a real loud smack on his ass.

Mammons stopped dead in his tracks and his eyes widened in shock "W-what?".

Once realisation kicked in, his face flushed in an intsant.

"O-oi, human! Whats the big deal slappin' my butt like that?!". He yelled at you, looking like a fricking tomato.

You couldnt help but let out a few chuckles, highly amused by his reaction.

"Ya! It aint funny!"

Thanks to his loud voice, the whole hallway now knew what just had happened.

Leviathan

Leviathan walked down the stairs to the dining room.

He was really excited because he finally got his hands on the new Ruri-chan merchandise that came out.

"Woaah! I cant believe I got that limited edition figurine!, its SO rare and the new outfit- its just soo angelic-"

Levi being caught in his own ramblings didnt noticed that you were walking beside him.

"And that new hairstyle! I cant believe Ruri-chan could get even more cuter than she already is-"

"Say Levi, to who'm are you talking to?"

"WAh!", Levi jumped slightly at the sound of your voice and almost tripped over his own foot.

"Wha- MC!? How long have you been here!?"

You smiled at him and grabbed his shoulder for support, preventing him from falling down the stairs.

"There there, calm down. I didnt heard much".

Levi let out an sigh of relief and turned to you.

"Yeah right, I mean who would want to listen to an yucky otaku like me?".

You facepalmed in your mind and sighed, he really needs more confidence.

Leviathan kept walking and pitying himself, mumbling random stuff.

He has such a negative mindset.

You walked up behind him not thinking much.

But then you stared at his head and then his back,

Eventually your eyes landed on his bottom.

You smirked to yourself as you just ran past him, giving his butt a hard and loud smack.

Levi yelped in surprise and stood still, overwhelmed with what just had happened.

His hand grabbed his right buttcheek and rubbed it, being too shocked to react.

You turned around and waved at him. "Damn Levi, you really got an nice butt there! Im soo jealous!"

You then disapperaed in the dining room.

Levis brain needed a whole minute to process what just had happened.

And then he became a stuttering mess.

"M-M-MC! W-what was that now?!, h-hey wait!" He hid his flushed face behind the back of his hand as he stumbled after you.

Ngl he was kinda happy you touched him.

Satan

Satan was on kitchen duty, cooking his curry.

He invited you to join and help, so you guys could spend some time together.

And theres no way you would ignore that chance.

So here you were beside him, giving him the ingredients he asks for and making some small talk.

"Did you know that Beel almost ate my hair in his sleep?" You sighed "Im lucky im not bald".

Satan glimpsed at you and raised his eyebrow, shaking his head, "His hunger really doesnt know its limits".

He looked up, "Well speaking of sleep, I had an unpleasant dream last night."

You handed him the spoon and nodded "What was it about?"

Satan sighed, "Beel ate too much and grew to be a giant. He then ate the House of Lamentation, leaving the rest of us homeless".

You laughed, "Why do I have a feeling that could actually happen?"

Satan frowned "He already eats plates, its only a matter of time until he starts eating the walls".

You chuckled, intending to jokingly slap his arm.

But since you werent focused on what you were doing, you didnt notice how your slap landed right on his butt.

Satan dropped the spoon he was holding and looked at you with wide eyes.

"What are you doing?"

You turned to him with an confused expression "Did I do something wrong?"

Satan cocked an eyebrow and leaned his head to the side "You just slapped my butt".

Now its your turn to look at him with wide eyes. "I did what now?".

Satan didnt knew if you were joking or not, and it was kinda ticking him off.

"My butt. You slapped it".

"No I only slapped your arm- ohh wait..." you chuckled.

"What is so funny?" He asked you with furrowed brows.

"Sorry Satan, I wasnt focusing on what I was doing and accidently slapped your butt instead of your arm," You shrugged "My bad".

Satan nodded and turned back to what he was doing "Next time be more careful, or I will return the gesture".

You smirked and leaned over to him "I wouldnt mind that".

He will remember that.

Asmodeus

Asmo was having a mid-life crisis.

He was on one of his diets, because his waist gained 1 millicentimeter.

You assured him that a little more weight always looks good and healthy but he wont listen.

So here you were infront of him, eating one of his favorite Cupcakes.

"MC darling, why do you have to torture me like that?"

He whined "Its not faair!"

You just shrugged "I have another cupcake left for you, but since you're on your little 'diet' I will give it to Beel."

He sighed and dropped his head on the table "Does my pain bring you pleasure?".

You frowned "I-"

Asmo gasps and sat back up straight. "Dont tell me your into that stuff?, Wow!"

He smiled and wiggled in his chair.

You sighed and shook you head "Asmodeus, stop".

He pouted "You're no fun..".

After some time you finally finished the cupcake and Asmodeus had reached his limit.

He watched as you stood up and walk towards to the kitchen.

"Wait, what are you doing?" He also stood up and followed you.

"I will bring the cupcake to Beel-"

"No, wait!" he grabbed your wrist and stared at you.

You looked back at him "What is it, Asmodeus?".

He glimpsed to the side "I dont want him to eat my cupcake.."

You clicked your tounge and pulled him towards you, making him stumble to the side

"What are you doi- AH!" He moaned yelped in surprise as you slapped his ass.

"Just eat that damn Cupcake. Its not like you will gain 10kg from it".

He blushed "Oooooh MC! That really made me excited! How harsh you pulled my wrist-"

You just let go of him and left the room.

"MC where are you going?, you cant just leave me here!"

Beelzebub

Beelzebub asked you to keep him company while working out.

And of course you said yes.

So now you sat there, on the bench with a towel in hand, enjoying the view infront of you.

Beelzebubs biceps flexed as he lifted weights, and his white tanktop was drenched in sweat, making it transparent.

His abs showed through the fabric and you blushed.

How can this man be so big and muscular?

You blinked when he stopped his workout and laid the weights back down.

He grabbed his bottle from the floor and drank from it, taking big gulps.

You decided to stand up and walked over to him.

"Hey, Beel"

Beel lowered the bottle from his mouth and smiled at you "Hey, MC!"

You smiled back, and held the towel in your hand out to him, "Here take this".

"Thanks" He nodded at you and grabbed it, wiping the sweat on his face away.

"So, how is the workout going so far?" You asked couriously.

"Im still warming up" he replied.

You blinked, Still at warming up, huh?.. impressive.

"But im starting to feel hungry..." Beel pouted.

You laughed "You can do it Beelzebub, I believe in you".

He blushed and smiled at you "Thanks, MC!"

So cute.

You nodded and patted his shoulder "Sure".

Beel proceeded to start his warm up again, starting with some sit-ups.

But you had other plans.

"Beel wait!" You ran up to him.

He stopped what he was doing and looked over at you "What is it, MC?"

Before he could fully turn his body to you, he felt a stinging sensitation on his butt.

He looked at you startled, now realising you slapped it.

"Wow Beel, your buttcheeks are pretty hard.. are they made of iron or something?" You hold your hand up to your face.

Beel blushed slightly, not knowing what to do or say.

You just shrugged and turned around, marching towards the bench you were sitting on.

But suddenly, you felt a light clap on your own butt.

You gasped, "What-, Beel?!" You looked behind you and saw him standing there, smiling.

"Your butt feels really soft and nice, MC". he chuckled, "Is that a human thing to do?"

"Beel no-"

Belphegor

Belphegor was taking a nap in the attic, skipping the student council meeting.

And since you were coming late to the meeting due to some complications, Lucifer ordered you to search for Belphie and bring him there along with you.

And thats how you ended up infront of the attic, clearly annoyed.

"Belphegor," you spoke as you opened the door "I know you're in here".

The youngest brother laid on the bed, snoring and cuddling into his cow pillow.

You walked over to him and shook him "Hey Belphegor! Wake up!"

He stirred in his sleep and furrowed his brows.

Eventually he opened one eye and glimpsed at you. "What is it?"

"Lucifer wants me to bring you to the council meeting" you explained.

"Too bad, I wont go" he closed his eyes again. "Why dont you join me?"

"No," you shook your head, "Please, stand up".

He groaned "No, I dont want to go".

Thats it

You grabbed Belphegor by his arms, and turned him on his stomach.

His eyes shot open "Dah! W-what, hey-"

You raised your hand and slapped his ass, the sound of it echoing through the room.

Belphegor jumped and sat up straight, looking at you in disbelief.

"What was that for?!" He blushed

"You should stand up," you crossed your arm over your chest "I asked you nicely but you wont listen".

"Alright..," He closed his eyes "I will go"

You nodded "good"

But before you could turn around, Belphegor grabbed your wrist and laid you over his lap, his hand resting on your butt.

You blushed when you realised what he was doing,

You tried to escape, but his grip on you was too tight.

"Heheh," he chuckled "Time for payback".

"B-belphegor-" you were interrupted by his hand squeezing your left cheek slightly, making you shiver.

Belphegor raised his hand and striked an direct slap on your butt.

He expected you to squeak cutely, but instead a loud moan left your lips.

You quickly sat up and covered your mouth, an massive blush on your face.

Belphegor stared at you with wide eyes,

But after a few seconds he smirked.

"Didnt knew you're into that stuff," he teased you "Im not complaining though".

You just hid your face in his shoulder, too embarassed to look up "Dont tell anyone about this..".

Belphegor chuckled and patted your head "I wont, that would ruin the fun".

He will still tease you about it tho, but just when you guys are alone.

[natusvincere]

Forbidden Fruit || Sam and Vic

Who: @samjacksonwc and @natusvincere When: Current Timing Where: An unassuming alley in town. What: Vic has waited too long between feedings and inadvertently feasts on the first eligible bachelor..er....human she can get her hands on.  Unfortunately for both of them, that happens to be Sam. Warnings: N/A

Vic never made mistakes like this.  She hadn’t gone too long in between eating in centuries, because the consequences were far too dire.  There was too much similarity to when she was first turned- to the desperate, gnawing bloodlust.  The urge to kill, to harm, to feed in the most vicious, visceral way and maybe never be satisfied by it.  The thoughts that ran through her head while she was in that state, they were why she knew vampires were monsters.  They were what convinced her they needed to be destroyed.  Feeling them herself brought on extra waves of self hatred and despair, but that was after the fact.

Because right now, fangs bared, all she could focus on was finding something to eat.

The blood bank was fucking closed, of course.  How did she let her supply get so depleted so fast?  What had her so distracted lately that she hadn’t noticed sooner? Maybe she could break in.  Yea, that would work.  Break in, and leave enough cash to pay for the damages.  No. There wasn’t enough time. She needed to feed now.  The smells around her were intoxicating.  There were too many people… too many-... She clenched her fists to stop herself from grabbing a passerby, only to start pacing in a nearby alley. 

For a relatively small town, White Crest posed too many questions sometimes, and it was the Tourism Board that decided to answer those questions to the best of their ability to ensure that the town would not lose any money. Or people. But mostly money. So what the hell was one of their board members, a certain Sam Jackson, doing in an alley near the blood bank? Having a civilized conversation with a homeless man, of course! Yep. Definitely civilized. 

“Don’t freaking lie to me, man,” Sam grabbed the homeless man by his unwashed hoodie and forced him against the alley’s wall, not as hard as he thought it did, more like carry him and place against it, much to the homeless man’s confusion as well. Bad cop, Sam could never play that role properly. “My friend said you had the goods, and I need the goods.” Sam tried his best impression of someone who would do these things, who has been doing these things, someone that obviously wasn’t him. “Something’s…been haunting me the past few days, and I need your goods to help me ignore that something, and I need your goods right now!”

“W-what the hell are you talking about?” The homeless man was genuinely confused. “I don’t deal, man! I’m not… Oh, is this because I’m homeless? Bro, that’s fucked up!” Sam jerked back and immediately let the guy go. Was Brad Bradley fucking with him again? “What? No, that’s not what I— Don’t you sell cheap Walkmans?” Both men just stared at each other for a while, so very confused. “Y-yeah, but can’t you just afford a new phone? Or like a Spotify subscription?” At that, Sam wiped grime off his suit. Like a complete douche. “I could, but that’s not really going to go with the vibe, if you know what I mean?” The homeless man clearly did not, but the homeless man also did not want to stay with Sam any longer. “Fine. Let me just get the merchandise from all the way over there.” And with that, he ran away.

“He’s not coming back, is he?” Sam could have chased after him, that much was true, but the homeless man was right: He could just get a Spotify subscription. Also, his shoes weren’t made for running. Or chasing after someone just so he can buy a cheap Walkman. “Fuck me,” he turned around in exasperation, only to see someone else approach. Sam squinted to try and get a good look at the new person but a smile found its way on his lips before he could succeed. Could it be? Another person who could sell him a cheap Walkman? “Hello! Are you in the mood to make a deal?” Wait, is that a woman?

 An altercation in front of her stopped Vic in her tracks.  Two men were doing what men do best: being idiots and throwing each other against walls.  Would they draw blood?  She licked her lips, then felt a wave of nausea for hoping for such a thing.  Wait.  This idiot fight looked pretty one-sided when she paid enough attention.  She grunted, taking a slow step forward toward them, her fists still clenched in agony.  Yes, definitely one sided.  One of them was confused, backing away, and the other was aggressively looking for advice on how to walk.  Idiot.  She blinked, watching them with sweat in her brow. The hunger was ripping through her, and against her normal logic, she knew exactly how to get satiated. Men who beat people up for advice were criminals.  Criminals were bad people, almost as bad as vampires, and so there was nothing wrong with feeding from them, right?  

Her brain couldn’t process the words that were being said to her, because there was only one goal. Feed.  And that was exactly what she was going to do.  She bound toward the man, taking two steps at a time now, grabbing his shoulders when she reached him.  Much like she watched him do to the man who ran away, she practically threw him against the wall, his bared neck enticing her in the most taunting way.  And when she bit town, the sickeningly sweet taste filled her senses as relief washed over her.  It tasted- no-, it felt like all things good.  Like Lyra and fresh paints and cool, starlit nights where the dew of the grass tickled your feet.  How had she deprived herself of something so fresh for so long?

“Whoa, you’re fast,” were the only words Sam was able to speak before the strange woman was upon him, overpowering him with relative ease. For a split second, Sam felt horror at being decapitated right then and there. Everything was happening too fast. She didn’t even answer his question. How rude. When he felt her teeth sink into his flesh, he felt himself tense up, as if his entire body had been frozen in place. By fear perhaps? Or was there something else, something worse that had taken control over his very being. This is kinda hot.

When was the last time Sam was intimate with another person? He couldn’t even remember. As the vampire fed on her oblivious prey, all that the boring human could think of was how sexy this must look to anyone else who’d chance upon them, forgetting that this was a dark alley where wiser men would dare not tread and not some high school corridor where a clique of gossips would then spread rumors of this “hot and heavy” encounter throughout the university the very next day. “I should probably stop watching those movies on Netflix,” he muttered weakly, his body and his fate now in the woman’s hands, mercy. If I die here, please let me take one final, good look at this girl’s face, and please let her be hot. Or him. I’m not even sure anymore if she, he, they…

It was all relief.  Sweet, sweet relief overtaking Vic’s senses, until her senses had the sense to right themself once again.  Then, almost as soon as it came, the relief switched over to dread.  What the fuck was she doing?  Was she feeding from an actual, real life human right now?  “Fuck!”, she said, pulling away.  Her hands remained on the man’s shoulders, keeping him in place for the time.  “Fuck, I…”  Her eyes were wide, desperate and searching.  The man was fine, she could still hear his heartbeat, but she couldn’t tell if that was good or bad.  How selfish of her.  It was good, right?  Because that meant she didn’t kill him and she wasn’t as much of a monster as killing him would have made her.  But… what if he told someone?  What if as soon as she let him go, he ran to the nearest person and outed her, and then everyone in town would know what she was.  

Would there be enough time to make it home to grab Winnie before she fled the town?

“What?!”, she said incredulously, her head snapping back to the man.  His words made her furious.  “I just… I just drank your fucking blood out in public, and all you can think about is Netflix?  Should I get you some popcorn next time, you dolt?”  She released her hands from his shoulders, holding her forehead instead.  “This isn’t happening… this isn’t happening.”

Sam, being the absolute dolt that he was, just gave the woman an awkward grin, especially after confirming that she was indeed, in his words, very hot. Every man has dreamed of being sucked on by a beautiful vampire woman, right? That or Sam has serious issues. He hasn’t had the best luck when it came to intimacy, though, but to be fair, this seemed very on brand for him. After all, the last woman he was intimate with turned out to be part of a cult. Although she didn’t try to sacrifice him or some weird shit like that, Sam would’ve believed that, especially after she tried to run with his money after cheating on him with another cultist. You’d think that wouldn’t be such a surprise. 

“Believe you me, this isn’t the weirdest thing that has happened to me this month. Not even the worst,” Sam let out an inappropriate chuckle, not unlike the Phillsbury Dough Boy being tickled or whatever that puft man thing with the baker’s hat was called, the one from Ghost Busters, the one that got embiggened in the old movies, and in the new one, had an army of itself. Most recently, Sam had been chased off by coyotes made of air. Definitely not normal coyotes. He’s also been visited by the ghost of his dad, which was most likely the worst thing that had happened to him recently. Worse than being fed on by a hot vampire lady or being chased by a hot doctor’s magic dogs. “Sometimes, you just gotta see the brighter side of things.”

“Oh, it’s happening all right,” Sam did not know when to shut the hell up. All the blood sucking, despite him losing more than gaining anything, could not curb his excitement. If anything, it only seemed to make him giddier at the thought of being this close to a woman. Undead or not. “Don’t worry: I won’t tell. This your first time?” It was Sam’s, and he wouldn’t complain if she wasn’t gentle. As long as she didn’t end him, though, which she really should.

 “Well, you live in White Crest, you peabrain.  Of course weird things happen to you.”  This man’s apathetic joy in an absolute dire situation annoyed her, and she wasn’t being shy about showing that annoyance on her face. Vic squinted her eyes at him, but then looked away quickly so she could wipe off her mouth.  She still couldn’t quite believe she lost control the way she had, even if only for a moment.  No matter how much she tried, no matter what she did, she was no different than the monsters she was trying to rid the world of.  The thought horrified her.

She slapped the man across the face, as if it might shut him up long enough for her to think.  “Shh”, she said, swallowing hard.  She looked around them… no one seemed to be there.  Maybe the sight wasn’t so strange in a place like this, or maybe no one cared.  No, this wasn’t her first time doing this, despite the man’s assumption.  It was just the first time in a few decades.  “Shut up.  What’s your name?  I have lots and lots of money. Understand? Lots.  More than the stupid mayor of this town.  I can pay you to never speak of this.”

 She wasn’t wrong. She was out of line but she was right. White Crest isn’t a normal town. Everything that happened here was beyond normal. Most people just ignore that, focusing instead on their own comfort and safety. But in this town, comfort and safety is as rare as anything normal. Sam didn’t think about any of that, though, focusing instead on the woman’s lovely face. She seemed familiar to him somehow. Like they’ve met before. Or maybe that’s just the lack of blood in his veins. “Fair.”

That slap, however, only served to heighten his interest. It wasn’t the first time he’d been slapped by a beautiful woman and he doubted it would be the last. Prior to this, he had someone slap him for intimacy. But that was years ago, before he moved back to town, before his father died and came back as an annoying ghost, a constant reminder of his shitty past. Getting snacked on by a hot vampire lady? Definitely something far removed from his shitty past. Sam thought it was exciting, and at most, very nice. 

“Sam,” he held out his hand for a shake. Like a complete idiot, still grinning from ear to ear. “Sam Jackson. I work for the Tourism Board. Listen, this is just between you and me, but if you have that much money, you can even pay me to feed you every night. If you know what I mean.”

 Vic couldn’t tell if she had taken so much blood from the man that it made him delusional, or if he was just a dolt normally, but either way, she was having less and less anxiety about the backlash that might come of this.  Maybe he was just stupid and immoral enough to not tell him what happened, … maybe if she played her cards right, she could convince him to forget.  

His reaction to her slap was not what she expected, and while it disgusted and annoyed her, it also gave her an idea.  Her scowl turned into a forced grin, and she slowly offered her hand to him, accepting his handshake.  “I’m…”, she looked to her right, and then back to Sam, “Trixie.  Trixie Galore.”  She chided herself inwardly.  Trixie Galore sounded like a stripper name.  Though, maybe it was the perfect ruse to keep this guy interested enough.  “Oh honey”, she said, her voice rising a few octaves.  She was speaking to him like he was a child, but she doubted he noticed.  “Trixie Galore doesn’t feed on just anybody.  I’m going to need you to find a respectable job if you want me to even consider that option.” There.  At least, if anything, this might make Sam better himself in the long run.  A job for the tourism board sounded incredibly tacky, and who wanted that?

She tilted her head, ruffling his hair a little bit.  “I’ll tell you what.  You become an upstanding member of society, and then look for me in the yellow pages.  That’s Trixie G-al-orr”,  She slowed her new fake name down, nice and slow so it sounded real. “Then we’ll talk.  Sound good?”

 “Trixie…” Sam winced at that name. It felt like salt on his wounds, even though time should have healed all those wounds. Maybe time just couldn’t. Maybe the wounds were too deep, too powerful. Or maybe instead of allowing himself to heal, Sam did what his ilk always did, just freaking shoved all that pain, all that trauma, to the back of his mind, the deepest abyss of his thoughts. Fuck coming to terms with what happened, right? Why would you need to forgive? When you can just forget? This is probably why.

“I had an ex named Trixie,” Sam heaved a sigh as his demeanor turned dour, the negative memories flowing back to him like someone had just opened the floodgates and he was standing right in front of them. Like an idiot. Which he was. “She was nice, though you’re clearly hotter, Trixie Galore.” And sexier. Definitely sexier. Sam was a fan of sex workers. He had no prejudice against them, though that was mostly because he had the fortunate experience of befriending someone in college who turned out to be a sex worker. To Sam, she was amazing, though they never slept together. Friends don’t sleep with friends. How ironic. “You’re not into cults, though, right?”

His ex, also named Trixie, ended up as a member of some cult. They broke up after he found out about it. On the same day he found her in bed with another guy, her coworker, who was actually also a member of the same cult. The next day, he also found out she tried to steal his money, which was fine because most of that money was his father’s, and Sam also hated his dad. 

“Ohoho, for you, I’ll do anything, even though I already have that.” What’s more respectable than being a member of the Tourism Board, right? A bright idea plopped in his empty skull, and Sam immediately fished for his phone. “Wait, why don’t you just give me your number? Would be easier to arrange these things, if you know what I mean?”

Of course this man would have an ex named Trixie.  Tacky job, tacky ex-girlfriend… tacky pants.  Yes, the more and more Vic evaluated him, the tackier she realized he was.  She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, choosing instead to press her lips together in a tight smile, ruffling his hair again. “I’ve never been a fan of them, no.  I mean, unless… would cults be a turn off to you?”  Maybe this was her out.  She’d tell him she was in a cult, push him against the wall, and run out of there faster than he could ask if it was religious or fanatical.

She placed her hand on his, effectively stopping him from searching for the phone from the time being.  “Now what fun would that be, Sam?” she asked, letting her voice drop a few octaves again.  She’d been going between sexy and perky and back to sexy again, because it all seemed to be working at least a bit.  “I mean, you like games, don’t you?  Finding my number will be like a fun scavenger hunt for you, don’t you think?  I’ll keep myself sufficiently satiated in the meantime, you tease.” She giggled, and now she was even annoying herself.  “Sound like a plan?”

Sam had to blink twice as he tried to debate with himself the most appropriate response to her question. Back in university, he was a master debater, but he just couldn’t get on with the whole cult thing. Maybe if he had actually allowed himself to heal way back then, he would no longer have the same issue now. At least not make it as personal as it was. The woman was very much hot, though, and it was the strongest and only argument he could make against the distraction of his past romantic trauma. It took him a while before he realized they seem to be on the same side versus cults. “Oh, thank god! I mean, uhh, I’m not a fan of them, either. I guess that’s another thing we have in common. Hehehe.”

“Games?” At this point, a tiny bit of common sense tried to poke into Sam’s tiny head, reminding him that games with strange people in alleys never end well, but again, she was hot, so Sam shrugged that thought off his head. “I love games. I love scavenger hunts. I love you,” he lost himself in her eyes before joining in with all the giggling, smitten by all that mystery and danger wrapped in a very attractive bundle. So attractive that Sam was pretty much just handing himself over to a predator, like a mouse that wanted to bone a snake. How does that even… You know what? Sure. “Yes, a great plan. So your place then?”

Vic blinked, resisting the urge to shake her head.  The one ounce of common sense Sam seemed to have was about cults, for some strange reason.  Despite the sex appeal seeming to work, she wondered if being in a cult could be a big enough turn off to make him run away and try to forget this whole thing ever happened.  “No, no… the organization I’m in is definitely not a cult.”  Those documentaries on the television always said that people who were part of cults never realized they were.  “No, my leader even lets us choose our own flavor of kool-aid.  I’m partial to cherry”, she added with a wink.”

“Games”, she confirmed with a nod, tucking a hair behind her ear.  “Trixie loves games.”  She put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him away just a bit, deciding now was as good a time as any to have Sam start on his little game.  It would be an impossible search, of course.  Trixie Galore didn’t exist.  She squinted her eyes at his last question.  This dude clearly couldn’t take a hint.  “No.  My place is off limits.  We will simply find another alley once you complete the game, but remember: the game isn’t done until you find another job, and then find a way to contact me.  Am I making myself clear?”  She was back to speaking to him like a child, and it was a wonder he hadn’t noticed her major shifts in tones yet.  A deep part of her was strangely proud of that fact.  

Sam took a moment as he squinted at Trixie Galore, a little suspicious, but then immediately shrugged and nodded his head, believing her claim wholeheartedly. After all, that’s what all relationships required, especially at the beginning: a whole lot of trust. Sam trusted that Trixie wasn’t a cultist because she said so, and Trixie should be able to trust Sam that he can provide for her with a stable job. Or at least that last part’s what he believed, too. “All right then. I believe you. I, too, love cherry kool-aid.” No, he didn’t, but that’s not that big of a deal to lie about, right? Right.

“Oh,” Sam was a little disappointed when he finally realized he wasn’t getting some action from a random hottie he met at a random alley right away. At least not until he finished…the game. He was a little lost on that one. Inside him, his two sides warred: The side that wanted to get laid and the side that wanted to lay his father to eternal torment. Weird phrasing, but all right. It was at that moment when he realized his desire to one-up his father in the field he obsessed over was stronger than his desire to bend over Trixie, or get bent over by her, he’s not that picky. “Wait, you want me to quit my job? But I love my job! You quit your job!” 

Sam suddenly exploded, mostly because he was finding it very hard not to do what Trixie wanted him to do because she was so pretty and she was, like, so interested in him, right? But then his stupid dad! His stupid dead dad whom he would never forgive and still wanted to torment by proving him wrong, by being much better at him at this whole politics bullshit, had once again found a way to ruin his life. Heaving a sigh and literally facepalming, Sam shook his head, eyes unable to meet Trixie’s, only her sweet, sweet chest. “I…don’t think I can do that, Trixie. I love you, but you can’t ask a man to give up his job. We’ll always have this alley at least.” He then closed his eyes and puckered up, arms open for an embrace, believing a sweet goodbye would come next.

There was clearly nothing Vic could say to turn this fool off, and she let out a small, annoyed huff.  She pressed her lips together, nodding and patting him on the back; it was the only pseudo-sympathy she could muster up for a man who wasn’t turned off by cults and disgusting, sugary juice.  “The best things in life are worth waiting for”, she said matter of factly.  “And I am one of those things, obviously.”  But then, there was the sudden explosion from Sam, and she was finally finding herself amused by his antics.  So insulting his job multiple times was the only way to get a rise out of him?  So be it.

“Tourism is ruining this town, Sam.  It’s time you realized your true worth and got into the best job in the world that I also have: Mundane office work.  That is, of course, only if you’re willing to go to the limit… for me.”  She put her best fake disappointed face when he declined, despite being completely thrilled that something was finally pushing him away.  She squinted at him, following his line of sight and moving to adjust her shirt when she saw where they were staring. 

Ugh, and when she looked back up and saw his stupid, sloppy, puckered lips, she did the first thing she could think of and slapped him right across the face. Again.  “I’m not just some common whore you can come back to when you please, you sleeze bag!” She huffed, dramatic and loud, and slapped him a third time.  “We are through!  I’ll see you in hell!”  With that, she stormed off, equal parts mortified and (somehow) amused.  If that whole interaction didn’t start with her losing control, it might have even been funny.