#help can you guys guess who i am?
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which astringency verse character are you?
were you curious as to who you resonate the most with in amber 44? or maybe you're reading bitter and you really want to know.. who are you in this story?
well! now you, too, can find out who in the astringency verse you are!
are you amber 44's y/n? maybe bitter's mad dog? or even the mysterious grey-haired bartender!
find out today!
ft. @nectardaddy
click here to read amber 44 | click here to read bitter
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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"
I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming
#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with#elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the#grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything#but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd#nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable#are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that#is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant#amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear#masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations#arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will#go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring#annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then#YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated#while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol#I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are#saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to#get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined#with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with#others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then#when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O#also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming#looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj#I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a#person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some#more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all#of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol#I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to#contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***
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thursday quest - no physical therapy today - make and eat lunch sooooo early but i can do it!!!!! - get ready for wedding - attend wedding! yay! (: - decompress well when i get home <3
#its thursday quest#god i'm so anxious about it autism style. so many uncertainties that i simply cannot account for alone. but i'm being sooo 'brave' about it#(keeping it to myself. except for posting about it)#taxi company hasn't texted me the drivers' details yet and i emailed them to be like ummmm your policy is to pay before the day#would you like to email me the payment details so i can do that? and they were like 'we'll send the driver details soon' ummmm#there isn't much soon left!!!!!!! it's happening tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!#they're probably just not Organised™ in the way i prefer to be. which is objectively fine it's just challenging for me personally.#i do not think it's Bad but!!!!! i've never taken a taxi before <- guy who Is Scared Of Taxis Specifically but has to face#their fears because they're disabled and have no other choice.#worst case i am down the money and no-one arrives to take me home i guess :P but it'll be afternoon AND my family are there so#in theory i could just get a lift home even though that would mess up other people's plans sooooo bad. UNLESS they have already drunk uhhhh#in which case i guess i'd just ask for help calling a taxi to the place. plany of people who can do such things easily (unlike me)#it'll be fine!!! i can ask my siblings if need be bc they are so niceys and will not get mad at me for being autistic o7#My other worry is being too hot and being in a rush getting ready bc i have to eat a proper meal due to the symptoms syndromes#and we are leaving when my lunch usually is so that's a whole thing. which ALSO doesn't matter and I can do! it's just hard!#where is that post that's like 'managed mental illness can look like absence of mental illness 😅'. NOT saying being autistic is mental#illness i am saying that the specific extreme anxiety i have is for me linked to autistic issues with 'the unknown' and boy. does this#social situation also have a lot of unknown.#BUT I CAN DO IT! and dare i say even have a nice time!!!!! it's just i get so so scared beforehand but i will not express it in a way that#impacts or inconveniences anyone else!!! i can handle it by myself at my house and it'll be fine
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Great googley moogley it’s all going to shit! Every day becomes exponentially more terrifying!
And all perfectly timed to just right at the start of what’s supposed to be my adult life where I get my shit together and be useful and productive!
#we’re cooked#we’re doomed#idk the end is nigh or whatever god damn#I just wanna be able to live in my own house and draw a guy sometimes without the ever present threat of the horrors is that too much#apparently yeah cause houses aren’t achievable anymore but man#m a n#especially if you didn’t/couldn’t go to college and aren’t capable of working most jobs#doesn’t help there’s the chance some part of my existence might be suddenly illegal or extremely dangerous yippie!#the options are literally 1. people die 2. people die what the hell do you even do man#how the fuck is this the election I’m gonna get forced to be a part of we’re living in hell#and nobody around me believes it’ll get bad yay great oh so wonderful#I can’t wait to lose rights and cause millions of deaths regardless of who gets chosen#I think one of these days I’m literally just gonna die of stress#it’ll either be a stroke or a heart attack or cancer or uh well ya know#we’re fucked#we’re screwed#I wanna have some kind of an actually visible break down but ive suppressed everything so much that I don’t outwardly emote much anymore :)#and the constantly dissociating thing too I guess#if you ever think ‘oh yeah I can just think of guy in a situation that’s so cool’ don’t it’s a trap—#although tbh this would be significantly worse without it so uh law of equivalent exchange I guess#fuck fuck fuck anyway#not putting this in the main tags#definitely deleting this later#if anyone in my house got any hints that I may or may not have different opinions than them well uh I’m financially dependent on them so um#literally wouldn’t have anywhere to go if anything happened#oh we’re really in it now Simon#hell world#there’s like what 7 genocides going on too I hate everything I hate everything I hate everything#I can’t do anything to help anyone either cause I don’t have a job and I could get kicked out or treated badly at home for it#not that anyone thinks very highly of me at home anyway I am kinda family disappointment number 2 I pretty sure
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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google: how to stop thinking about a new and extremely intense special interest when it is consuming your every waking thought
#the answer is you dont#the spin chose me and who am i to deny it?#it is inconvenient though because when i need to do anything that isnt related to that i can get frustrated and irritatable#its okay though because i would not give it up for the world <33#can you guys guess what it is? (hint: take a look at my blog layout & recent reblogs lmaoo)#this is probably the most intense special interest ive ever had#god help all the people in my life who have to hear me infodumping about mentally ill vampires constantly#i cant help it guys the spirit of lestat has bewitched me#actually autistic#autistic#autistic community#autism#autistic problems#autistic things#actually asd#asd#autism spectrum disorder#autistic special interest#special interest#hyperfixation
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oohhh royal knight in training subaru and prince hokke oohhghh
#they have been in my mind can you guess#but like listen#mr akehoshi died in a war led by seiya(king) 10 years ago and now subaru is following the steps of his father#so seiya has a soft spot for him although subaru hates the monarchy for that and onlydoes that bc its the best high income job he can do to#support his mother#also hokke just despises his monarchy duties and one day he is going out of the castle by himself and subaru is like what is this idiot doin#and subaru is like 'Hey you dumbass! where are you going on your own?' and hokke is like 'dont you know who i am? learn some manners before#speaking to me!!' and subaru is like 'of course i know who you are! you are stealing my horse where the hell are you going you clown of a#prince!!!!!!#and hokke ignores him but he actually doesnt know what he is doing so subaru just runs behind him#and after a while hokke gives up and explains that he doesn't want to be a prince so he decided to escape and subaru is like ?? this guy??#and concludes it must be a rebellious phase because he was borned with a silver spoon and just wants to create problems for himself#so he tells him that the life outside the palace is horrible and hokke should appreaciate his life more. everyone would want to be the princ#hokke thinks for a moment and concludes that no. subaru is wrong. and subaru is starting to get annoyed so he sends hokke to the palace#(but in their argument he acutally stole some jewelry of hokke so he sells those to help shinonon the poor guy selling milk and newspaper#and the next day hokke goes to him like 'you stole from me give them back' and subaru is like 'i thought you wouldnt notice. you dont need#them anyway'#and they start arguing again.#chiaki (subaru's knight trainer) sees them and later says to subaru that they seem close#and subaru is like 'no we dont!! he is a selfish jerk who only thinks of himself!' and chiaki thinks he is the only person subaru has gotten#close to#bc hokke doesn't like interacting with guards or maids or anything that has to do with the castle either#so chiaki is like me thinks#so they keep doing sbhk shenanigans and they mutually warm up to each other#at one point hokke brings jewels to subaru personally so he can sell them in the city and sometimes subaru bri#subaru brings hokke to the city in some of their getaways. normal citicens dont know he is the prince just some noble bc of his clothes and#good manners. which subaru doesnt have.#at some point hokke is impressed by subaru's knowledge and he confesses that his father used to steal books from the royal library and then#thought him and his mother and it makes hokke think that they are quite similar#mr hidaka seiya is pretty glad hokke is getting along with subaru since he appreciated mr akehoshi a lot
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the 'what do I actually want out of making art' to 'what is the point of the art I make' to 'what is the point of Me, Actually' pipeline
#this always happens#'where am I going with this what is the point-- for me personally-- of doing art' is a completely valid and innocent existential question!#like I'm looking at this from the perspective of 'what do I actually WANT out of art so I can focus on THAT more :)'#but I can't ponder it without immediately running into the answer 'I guess I'm not sure?'#and I can't run into THAT without IMMEDIATELY tailspinning sdjhgdfkjd#I feel like... I draw because it's just What I Do? and not in a way where 'you don't HAVE to you're allowed to stop' would help#cause like. I do also LIKE it. you know? in theory#but when I'm artblocked or struggling with a skill hump I feel like it would help to get back to whatever the core reason I draw is#and I guess it's just... scary? that I'm 34 and when I ask myself what that core reason IS the answer is [big shrug]#what do you MEAN 'big shrug' what do you MEAN!!!#'guy who draws' is the only defining trait as a person I HAVE LEFT what do you MEAN you don't even know WHY I'M DOING IT#aaaauuughhh#about me
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desperately hugging you after not seeing you for 15+ months as if my body remembered that the thought of this hug had comforted me when i felt cold and imagining helped me feel safe, helped me feel warm, helped me sleep, and still helps me sleep sometimes. is it no wonder i let my mind fantasise about you in a different way now? i don't wish that ever comes out in any interaction with you. but, i know any desire to stay in, develop, and grow that social club will just be an excuse to be around you. i want being there to feel as safe as the imaginary you makes me feel. i do wish you were mine, but i know you were made by hands warmer than mine, and time. someone who was mine, and my age, made by me, would not be of your quality of gold. if i want you, or someone like you, i have no choice but to start by knowing myself better, even if i don't really want to. i guess i have to want to.
#hugging you and shying away from further touch because a) slow reaction and#b) if i could let loose around you i would never let go of you and i'm not allowed to do that.#is this better or is like... living in a crowded apartment block where everyone gossips and nobody has any privacy better?#you know like wong kar wai's in the mood for love#at the social club - nobody cares to look except for you. and it's nervewracking to be observed by you.#actually -- no-one steps out to care for me. or each other. except for you. but everyone looks.#i guess it's nice now -- because... no familiar faces there except for you and some other people a little older than me.#i would ask you what cologne you use and it would become my favourite smell.#it made me so happy lol it was so strong on your hand and even by touch you left so much on my shoulder until i had to wash that jumper#i would sniff it and be happier#am i okay? am i okay? i thought i was in a good time. am i okay? ground myself. don't float away. i have access to institutions#that can help me. that's something. the more established the systems or groups i'm a part of the more grounded i feel.#i don't know if it should be that way.#i hope i don't do something crazy and dangerous just for some sense of connection to something greater than myself.#i wonder how it looked from the outside. the 'girl' who went out and picked up some guy. for the thrill of it. for exploration. for#curiosity. and she couldn't anymore. it was bound to happen. i was floating away -- and i was saved. by a generous system.#a generous... country...#omelas...#it was bound to happen. or i would have ended up honestly probably abusing substances or something.
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seems like my heart does nothing but break lately
#oh my god dont read the tags. it breaks for everyone :( but on a more personal level#for my gf whos sinking deeper into something n i cant even help bc im a wreck myself but i am so so scared to lose her#still havent even been able to book a psych appointment n i rlly dont know where to go with all these ..em*tions#Guys i rlly dont understand one thing. how come one random freak whos in ur life at some point can derail a whole person like eons later#jeopardise their whole future just by crossing some lines for funz i really dont understand this#not fair not fair at all this is evil#and becasue u got unlucky someone wanted to be disgusting u have to carry the consequences#i rly still cant even say it i still cant even write it#i dont even know how . irl the only perosn i told in some capacity#is dealing with her own trauma and i hate that jsut being understanding is not enoughlike#Wow Lmao Its just Funny How it Shapes You. & U Can Never bury it forever becuz it will always catch up to you😂😂😂😂😂😂#AND THE PAST CAN NEVER BE ERASED 😃😃😁😁😂😂😂🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔪🔪#at least my gf has been taking steps to deal with it for.3 yrs and i just never even#LOL i feel like such a coward but the sh*me and the g**lt associated with the Thing..r so overwhelming i cant even admit it#what would i even do at the psych appointment like straight up what am i gonna say Lol#hai iam here to process something i dont actually remember probably becasue i was a child but imnot sure. n id rather#kms than tell u how i know 😂. So thats also why my heart breaks. for that little girl who was a ball of shame i guess and no matter#how much i cognitively.like rationally know its not my fault the ball of shame n guilt is still there#n it swallows me every time i vaguely start 2 think about acknowledging the Th*ng#or whatever. And thats just my end of the deal but my gf has it worse genuinely bc she remembers everything n still has to see the freak#n it went on for yrs n her family doesnt know n heres the worst thing hes a beloved family member a sweet boy with struggles of his own#well i hope he walks into traffic for doing what he did to her
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hurt my own goddamn feelings going in the alabama state poll tags but also made myself angry. yall motherfuckers are the reason why, when i listened to weird al's "complicated" parody in middle school, i immediately felt like i was doing something wrong or was something wrong because i was really close, best friends, with my cousin. a long ass time before i figured out i was queer, i felt dirty and dangerous and morally suspicious because of who i loved and where i came from because people still think Hurr Durr Incest State Sweet Home Alabama Stupid Redneck Cousin Kissers is a funny joke and not at all demeaning, classist, just plain mean, and very potentially damaging. get better soon.
#state poll Opinions(tm)#guess who has moral ocd about touching or looking at family members now <3#guess who is terrified at all times that if anyone sees me being affectionate with literally any family member#they will think i am a weird creepy alabamian incester#so. thank you for that. <3 thank you for persisting in new ways for me to hate the way i exist. <3#thank you for putting more guilt and shame on marginalized communities. <3#i hope it was worth it for that super funny 'incest.' joke in the poll tags along with 200 other people who had the same idea. <3#anyway i love my state. it sucks in a lot of ways but it's beautiful in a lot of other ways.#i will live here forever and i hope i will one day do good for it. help bring out its beauty and help it heal from its wounds.#i hope i can be a part of its history in some small way and that small-minded ppl never hold me back from pride in where i come from#mythtakes#(also this is why i will never be able to enjoy weird al. i don't hate the guy i don't think he's a bad artist i used to love him)#(but the wound has really never healed tbh. like that one stupid line of a stupid song literally broke something in me)
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I hate when there is anger inside my body. I am very small and my feelings are very big :(
#it really just does not matter what I do huh#it’s spring break. I was up at 9:30 and happened to stay in bed for a bit and take my time showering and stuff#you know? cuz I’m on break? And can do whatever the Hell i want?#but apparently I was ‘sleeping all day’ according to my mom#and then she reminded me to wash my hair the next time I shower. which is code for ‘your hair looks like shit’#it’s like that one bit from friends where they’re having a funeral for the geller’s grandmother#and Monica’s mom is like “can you imagine being criticized for every little thing you do?#it’s amazing that I grew up to be the life-affirming person I am”#the joke being that she criticizes everything Monica does and is constantly trying to “fix” her#always criticizing her outfit and hair and life choices#like. that’s exactly my mother. and guess what? I fucking hate her!#and—this is a horrible thing to say I know—sometimes I wish she would just hit me#because violence and bruises are easier to spot than the covert belittling and the slow chipping away at my self esteem#all while under the guise of helping me#as if she isn’t insulting me and treating me like a mini clone of her or a goddamn toy to entertain her#she never wanted me she wanted a dress up doll#she doesn’t want nano she never wanted nano she wants a perfect girl who marries a perfect guy#and has perfect grandbabies#she’s tried to strip me of my boricua heritage in unassuming little ways#she’s tried to strip me of my desires and interests and emotions#she’s tried to ignore my trauma and logic away my mental illness#she has tried to destroy every part of me everything that makes me what I am#and she is the victim. the one with the woefully annoying stupid disobedient daughter#because i have resisted her attempts to mold me into something that I’m not#vent#im just so tired of trying to be the person she wants me to be and never being good enough#I’m tired of feeling trapped#I’m tired of feeling like an awful person#I’m so sick of her
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eeeuuuuggghhh i'm gonna bitch in the tags a bit bcus this isn't like. serious enough to put more effort into it than that but i also don't want it to sit in my brain.
#little rock.txt#venting#self harm in tags btw#anyway. wow i hate intrusive thoughts.#like great guys. it's so cool that the way we're deciding to spend our time is constantly thinking about ways to hurt myself#oh wow stabbing myself with a knife someone left on the counter? so original. never been seen before#oh starving myself?? even when my lovely friend made us a whole dinner?? that's lovely. wow. not even a little bit rude#standing in traffic until someone comes and hits me? at least that wouldn't damage my fucking car like your other ideas!#taking something sharp to my sunburns for a two-birds-one-stone thing?? i guess you're making the best of the circumstances#like jesus fucking christ Grow Up. am i fifteen goddamn years old again#like if we're being So real the consequences of actually self-harming Far outweigh the benefits so i'm not at any real risk#(i do Not want to deal with the fallout of 1. cleaning those wounds 2. confronting my housemates with active self-harm#they actively do not deserve that happening to them)#(hi guys btw sorry. i'm fine)#but that just means i'm sitting here like. so are you gonna be productive or....?#like i had plans of what i wanted to do with my brain power tonight. was gonna write. maybe clip a stream. and we're...?#oh just sitting on my laptop playing music too loud bcus if i could hear my own thoughts it'd be a nightmare? neat.#jesus christ can i be a normal goddamn person for like fifteen minutes and get out of this anxiety spiral. it's been over 24 hours.#whatever. like at this point it's fucking whatever. if i can't drag myself into being productive i'm just gonna go to bed.#“opal is being mean to yourself really going to help” i don't know. i doubt it. unfortunately i am in the mood to be a bitch#and the only person who deserves to deal with bitchy opal is me. so.#anyway if you read all of this uuuhhh sorry. i am like this. but hey. thank you for caring
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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa#something is Wrong lol#i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches#all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now#but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit#and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on#to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back#like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend#i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect#i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back#but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms#or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations#or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings#or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af#because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff#im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility#i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn#but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself#and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc#i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself#and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it#i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do#i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it#and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person#<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation#of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT
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i want to be a machine learning engineer but some of u guys r making it embarrassing actually. long but IMO important explanation below. We have bigger issues to deal w and better things to focus on.
like our planet is dying and the commercialisation of massive AI models and training the models themselves releases like hundreds of thousands of tonnes of carbon emissions. and this includes very "nonessential" models that don't tend to contribute much to society (re: new fancy image generation toy). but u have decided your new career path is "AI artist" (glorified prompt-writer?) .
and just as bad, some of you have decided the biggest issue w AI is those people, the glorified prompt writers!! you draw more attention to it instead of focusing on the real problems behind AI and the ethics of training models! about the harm it causes to the planet, about web-scraping limitations basically not existing (stolen art falls under this domain), copyright laws to do with AI, the way facial recognition deals with race, about the boundaries between letting AI learn and develop in an "unbiased" way vs preventing sociopolitical damage at the cost of (potentially) further progress.
conversely, there is nowhere NEAR enough focus about how AI can help us overcome some of our fundamental problems. i love machine learning bc i find it - specifically the maths behind it - fascinating and i believe one day it could help us make very cool advancements, as it already has. i think the mathematical architectures and processes behind creating new deep learning models are beautiful. i also know the damage capitalists will inevitably do - they always wield powerful, beautiful new tools as weapons.
AND HERE YOU ARE FALLING FOR IT! it's very frustrating to watch!! if you're angry on behalf of artists, i'm begging you to protect the rights of artists and be mad at greedy companies instead of villanising a tool that can help us immensely! learn about AI ethics, learn about how it is present in our lives, what we should try to stop, what we should promote.
if you "boycott AI" as a whole with no desire to gain more literacy on the topic other than "steals art therefore bad", you will have to be against your translate app, your search engine, your email spam filter, almost everything on your phone that categorises anything (i.e. pretty much all of your search functions), NPC enemies in games, your medical diagnostic tools, your phone's face unlock, your maps app, online banking, accessibility tools that help blind and deaf people, new advancements in genetic sequencing and protein folding and treating cancer and modelling new solutions in physics and so on and so on.
the issue isn't all AI as a whole. the issue is A) how companies are using it and B) how a lot of you guys are getting mad at the concept of AI instead of responding to A.
#lol anyway#u guys r like protect artists rights and then proceed to do 0 research on how#without doing damage to humanity as a whole#and actually tbh a lot of artists contribute to this as well. like i was following a few ppl who had their art ripped off (this must be#horrible and harrowing and i can't imagine how bad the experience must be) and they responded by being like#AI IS EVIL!!! NEVER SUPPORT AI!! which is literally ! meaningless!!!#think about it kind of like nuclear physics. it can help us immensely#it can teach us a lot about the universe and it can help us w finding wonderful new sources of energy. it can be beautiful and fascinating#and it can also be utilised in a very dangerous way. once it is used in a dangerous way (as it has been) you probably wont start blaming#The Concept Of Nuclear Physics. like im gonna guess you guys don't boycott gamma rays or nuclear fission bc someone made an atomic bomb yk#maybe this analogy got out of hand 💀 but you get what i mean#AI#ai art#idk how to tag this lol#anyway#listen to artists but also listen to actual AI experts i am BEGGING U
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Literally why the fuck did he say that??
#my friends are busy so im posting my bs again#but anyway im flying home rn and i don't have a ride or anything set up and im jusy hoping i can get a lyft#but the weather is going to be bad so im a little nervous that i won't get one#and i was telling the guy im seeing all of this#mind you i never asked him to pick me up (the airport is a 15 minute drive from his house)#even though i feel that its a perfectly reasonable request because i wasn't sure if he even would#and so I'm telling him that i don't know if there will be lyfts around#and he texts back 'just let me know how the ride situation goes. i don't mind helping this time even though#i usually hate it. im in a good mood today'#what the Fuck is that??#like i didn't even ask you but youre making sure i don't ask again just in case??#we were joking around before that so it could be a tone thing that was lost in text#but im actually so offended by that#like you never even fuckin offered to help me out before this even when i was supposed to be there earlier#and then you're making sure i don't ask for help in the future if i need it#like i get that we're not dating. hes not my boyfriend#but hes the one that said he cares and is committed to this#so i guess my definition of this whole fuckin thing could be different#or maybe even my definition of friendship because i would help any of my friends who needed a 10 minute ride home from the airport#god i am absolutely going to have to ask him about this in person because otherwise i will resent him for that#vent post
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