#it can teach us a lot about the universe and it can help us w finding wonderful new sources of energy. it can be beautiful and fascinating

[faaun]

i want to be a machine learning engineer but some of u guys r making it embarrassing actually. long but IMO important explanation below. We have bigger issues to deal w and better things to focus on.

like our planet is dying and the commercialisation of massive AI models and training the models themselves releases like hundreds of thousands of tonnes of carbon emissions. and this includes very "nonessential" models that don't tend to contribute much to society (re: new fancy image generation toy). but u have decided your new career path is "AI artist" (glorified prompt-writer?) .

and just as bad, some of you have decided the biggest issue w AI is those people, the glorified prompt writers!! you draw more attention to it instead of focusing on the real problems behind AI and the ethics of training models! about the harm it causes to the planet, about web-scraping limitations basically not existing (stolen art falls under this domain), copyright laws to do with AI, the way facial recognition deals with race, about the boundaries between letting AI learn and develop in an "unbiased" way vs preventing sociopolitical damage at the cost of (potentially) further progress.

conversely, there is nowhere NEAR enough focus about how AI can help us overcome some of our fundamental problems. i love machine learning bc i find it - specifically the maths behind it - fascinating and i believe one day it could help us make very cool advancements, as it already has. i think the mathematical architectures and processes behind creating new deep learning models are beautiful. i also know the damage capitalists will inevitably do - they always wield powerful, beautiful new tools as weapons.

AND HERE YOU ARE FALLING FOR IT! it's very frustrating to watch!! if you're angry on behalf of artists, i'm begging you to protect the rights of artists and be mad at greedy companies instead of villanising a tool that can help us immensely! learn about AI ethics, learn about how it is present in our lives, what we should try to stop, what we should promote.

if you "boycott AI" as a whole with no desire to gain more literacy on the topic other than "steals art therefore bad", you will have to be against your translate app, your search engine, your email spam filter, almost everything on your phone that categorises anything (i.e. pretty much all of your search functions), NPC enemies in games, your medical diagnostic tools, your phone's face unlock, your maps app, online banking, accessibility tools that help blind and deaf people, new advancements in genetic sequencing and protein folding and treating cancer and modelling new solutions in physics and so on and so on.

the issue isn't all AI as a whole. the issue is A) how companies are using it and B) how a lot of you guys are getting mad at the concept of AI instead of responding to A.

[jymwahuwu]

Thoughts on Gym trainer Jing Yuan ◉o◉ Thinking like on the first day there's a lot of struggle on the equipment and basic stretching and Jing Yuan pops up to help, but they don't know that he's using this as an opportunity to grope and grind his cock on them as he stretches them that looks like a mating position from an outsider's view hehe

>_< I'm sorry that I updated after the promised time, and I couldn't help but sleep for two nights😹 But I really like the idea and thought about it a lot <3 Jing Yuan loves this fitness opportunity…

CW: yandere, non-consensual contact, inappropriate use of fitness equipment, mention of future non-con

Jing Yuan accidentally - okay, maybe intentionally - hacked your phone and discovered your gym membership credentials (the hacker followed his orders in Xianzhou). You book a day to experience fitness. That's your first day. first. The browser contains your search history for "fitness teaching". Jing Yuan is considerate and has not dug out your more private information. He knows everyone needs privacy! He really just wants to know where you will show up so he can go on a date with you…

That day, you arrived at the Universe Fitness Center belonging to Interastral Peace Corporation as scheduled. Some members are already working out, with an octopus-shaped customer running on a treadmill, while others are stretching. You looked around, biting your lip, starting to feel nervous. There is so much equipment here. How do you use these…? During your hesitation, you caught a glimpse of a familiar figure and your eyes widened. Why is General Jing Yuan here? He also noticed you and waved at you.

Jing Yuan explained that this is his hobby. He has purchased a 100-year membership. You stared at his broad and strong shoulders and swallowed. It turns out that he exercises outside of sleep time… The reputation of a general from a space civilization is well-deserved…

How about you? General asked with a smile.

You stutter and explain that this is your first time trying fitness, and you don't have a trainer. The reason may be that you have wanted to exercise for a long time, or maybe you won a free membership in a lottery… or a friend gave you a free fitness experience and enthusiastically helped you book it… The members here seem to be well-trained. You're afraid of making a fool of yourself. The considerate Jing Yuan of course offers to help you train and become familiar with the fitness equipment. You nodded gratefully.

Um, after warming up, the first step is to learn to use the leg press machine!! You can hear your breathing and heartbeat, slowly sit on the tilted cushioned seat, awkwardly stretch out your legs and step on the platform superior. A warm palm cupped your ass, and you almost screamed, but kept your voice low in panic.

"W-wait?! Jing Yuan, what are you doing?" "Oh? I'm helping you adjust your posture. Don't be nervous." He put on a perfect and polite smile, as if you were just making a fuss and it was normal . You tried to push his palm away from your ass. Jing Yuan still touched your butt before moving to your thighs, lifting your legs and moving you up. You tightened the muscles in your hips and stretched your legs unskillfully at his guidance.

Jing Yuan is standing in front of you, watching you nervously bend your knees and stretch your legs. Every time you get close, it's like you're under his body. His smile widened. Some fitness guests watching from the side felt that he was holding you down in a mating position...

How can you not learn to use hip abduction machine? He helped you sit on the mat. You kept your waist upright, panting from the first round of fitness exercises.

"H-how does this work?" Your eyes sparkled with trust and confusion. "This is - um, to train your butt muscles." Hearing these unabashed words, embarrassment washed over your face. You were about to suggest training with other equipment when you heard him say that you should try your best to open your legs and stretch your body.

You couldn't find a chance to refuse, so you could only grab the chair with both hands and struggle to stretch your legs out, your butt tightening in the process. Jing Yuan occasionally reaches out his hand and spreads your legs wider.

Oops, by the time the teaching process reaches the lying leg curl machine, you are already exhausted. In other words, you can be at the mercy of Jing Yuan. Jing Yuan tells you to lie face down on the machine. You groaned softly, your legs already trembling from lack of exercise. You grabbed the machine, bent your knees and raised your legs. There is a vague feeling that something hard is pressing against your buttocks… The hands are groping your buttocks, slapping and rubbing them. He told you it was for training…

Of course, no thrusting…yet.

Before leaving, you "promised" to Jing Yuan that you would attend "private fitness classes"…even though you said with tears in your eyes that you didn't want to exercise after that. The general has already planned for you to bring a small vibrator as part of your workout next time. He can’t wait for the day he penetrates you<3

[multimousenette]

bkdkbk longfic recs

for @miss-multifandom-mess, who wanted fics that are:

Long & completed ☑️

Good balance of genres: angst, comedy, romance, the package deal

Accurate bakudeku (as a pair and individually)

Great dynamic 👍

Izuku is not ‘feminized’ or made uwu

I'll give title (linked to the fic) & author, word count, rating, dynamic if relevant*, content warnings, major tags and a synopsis.

I'll also put them in the following categories:

Canon compliant: this does not disagree with canon in any way (eg. character study of Kacchan during dark hero arc, anything during the 8 year time skip that has Kacchan saving up/Deku teaching)

Canon consistent: yeah that could more or less be canon (eg future pro heroes especially where deku keeps OFA)

Canon divergent: something during canon actively changes, but the world is the same (eg. becoming friends in middle school, one of them is on a different course, pro heroes but my gut says it's too far away to be really canon consistent)

Canon adjacent: feels like canon except for one Major Thing (eg. omegaverse, (non-quirk related) hanahaki but still heroes)

Alternate Universe (AU): completely different universe (eg fantasy, sci-fi, or no quirks)

*it ended up being mostly either bkdkbk (ie switching) or dkbk -- I've highlighted these red just in case, but I've included them cos people tend to use bkdk for the ship generally if they don't have a preference, and I couldn't see anything saying you were fixed bkdk on your acc

... and I'll put them below the cut cos this is already so long oh my god

In order of word count (high -> low):

I Will Find You by Purple_Insomniac (174k, T, canon consistent)

CW: Alt universe character death

Major tags: Parallel universes, angst w a happy ending.

Deku disappears in the middle of a rescue mission. Turns out, thanks to some OFA weirdness, the person who sent Izuku into an alternate universe… doesn’t know which one he’s in. Somehow, Izuku and Katsuki can speak in the OFA Vestige Realm, but it’s still a total nightmare trying to find which universe Izuku’s in — let alone bringing him home.

For it is Something That We Lost by TheGraveyardChild (160k, E, top Deku, canon divergent)

CW: past domestic abuse, past child abuse.

Major tags: Kidfic, angst with a happy ending.

Number four pro hero Dynamight returns to his hometown, but — to (number five pro hero) Deku’s surprise — he’s kind of flaky now. Turns out, this is because he has a daughter, and they’ve only just escaped his abusive ex. Slowly, Katsuki and Deku grow close again, but everything’s complicated when they start work on a child kidnapping/trafficking case — especially when Katsuki’s daughter is caught up in it.

Halfway to the Moon (But the Sun is So Bright) by Catsired (105k, T, canon divergent)

CW: Graphic depictions of abuse and self harm; depressed & suicidal Izuku; physically, financially, emotionally and verbally abusive Hisashi; bullying; mild homophobia.

Major tags: Middle School AU, Slow burn, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending.

Izuku has a lot on his plate. It’s his final year of middle school and between his training with All Might, the part time job he’s picked up to help his mum with bills, and Kacchan… being Kacchan, he’s about ready to drop. And then his dad comes home, and his mum is so happy he can’t bear to tell her that Hisashi hits him. Meanwhile, Katsuki notices there’s something up with Shitty Deku and somehow decides it’s his responsibility to fix it. And maybe, as they grow closer, he finds that doesn’t hate Deku so much anymore. Maybe he never really did.

Surprise Reunions and Childhood Rekindlings by ladyofsnails (90k, G, AU)

Major tags: Slice of life, no quirks AU, uni/college AU, mutual pining, FLUFF.

Izuku and Katsuki haven’t seen each other in five years, but it turns out their friends are friends — and incredibly shocked (and concerned) when the first thing Katsuki and Izuku do upon meeting is start roughhousing. The two of them fall straight back into their chaotic childhood dynamic… and in love. Obviously.

After All We’ve Been Through (You get turned into a fucking rabbit) by TigerLilies64 (88k, E, switching, canon consistent).

Major tags: crack treated seriously, fluff, hurt/comfort.

Pro hero Deku gets hit by a quirk that turns him into a rabbit hybrid. To make matters worse, he shapeshifts into an actual rabbit when his heart rate gets too high. Kacchan... helps. 

Tidal Hearts by macksmilesback and SamIsNotLegend (83k, T, AU) 

Major tags: h2o just add water/early 2000s mermaid AU, high school drama, mild angst, fluff.

Izuku and Katsuki were best friends as kids, but that all changes after they nearly drown while swimming in the ocean and Inko moves her and Izuku away. Years later, they reunite, and after Katsuki saves Izuku from a nasty hazing prank, end up… growing a tail any time they get wet. Well, that’s one way to spend their senior year of high school!

The Spell in Her Name by MerryWeatherWeather (62k, E, top Katsuki, canon divergent)

CW: Past OC teacher/student relationship, past minor character death, past child abandonment.

Major tags: kidfic, domestic fluff, mutual pining, angst. 

Pro hero Katsuki returns from working in the US and due to some complications, has nowhere to live, so pitches up at Deku’s house — and is shocked to discover that Deku has a child. Turns out, she was abandoned on his doorstep as a baby, and he took her in. When her mother initiates a public custody battle, Deku will do anything to keep his daughter — and Kacchan will do anything to help.

just for your love (I’ll give you the world) by thwnderpoint (52k, E, top deku, canon consistent)

Major tags: idiots to lovers, (light) angst with a happy ending, mutual pining.

Katsuki confesses to Izuku, and Izuku doesn’t want Kacchan to suffer or feel like he has to hold back his feelings. So he tells him not to. Kacchan takes this offer and runs with it. Izuku quickly realises that while he hadn’t considered Kacchan as a romantic option, he is in fact absolutely in love with him… but Kacchan thinks Izuku deserves better than him. Izuku, of course, can’t let that stand. And now they’re engaged in some sort of psychological flirt-off, much to the dismay of everyone around them.

Photo Op by whitetail (50k, M, top deku, canon adjacent)

CW: transphobia, gender dysphoria

Note: I LOVE the characterisation of Deku, he’s an absolute disaster, but I can see that it might be love it or hate it as the author does exaggerate his social issues a lot. This Deku is explicitly, intentionally autistic and it's a close third person POV so we're very much in his head... which is kind of a mess.

Major tags: trans izuku, autistic izuku, massive simp kacchan, comedy of errors, miscommunication, light angst.

Pro hero Deku has PR crisis after PR crisis and now the whole world knows about his Dynamight thirst blog and he’s newly insecure about his bottom surgery. And for some reason, Kacchan won’t stop asking him (him!!) to join him for a photoshoot, as if Deku’s stupid ugly face won’t ruin everything again. Still, he can’t say no to Kacchan… 

In Another Life by hollyandvice (44k, M, canon consistent)

Major tags: Parallel universes, grief/mourning, angst with a happy ending.

While fighting a villain, Kacchan disappears. Turns out, the villain has a parallel universe swapping quirk, and he was aiming to swap number one hero Deku for a quirkless civilian. Except, the only world the villain could find where Deku isn’t a hero is one where Kacchan is dead — so when Katsuki took the blow, no one swapped with him, and now no one knows how to get him back. Meanwhile, Katsuki discovers a dystopian world where half his friends are dead or injured — not to mention this world’s Deku, who is all sorts of broken up over meeting an adult Kacchan. Will he be able to fix the problems with this world before he gets home? And which world will he choose to stay in?

last days of war by antisora (44k, M, AU)

Major tags: Pacific Rim AU, Sci-Fi/Dystopian, angst with a happy ending, hurt/comfort, misunderstandings.

Note: I've never watched pacific rim and had no issues with understanding what was going on. Author said there were lots of references, but you don't need existing knowledge to enjoy this.

All Izuku’s ever wanted is to save the world with his best friend… but his life doesn’t seem to be headed in that direction, especially when he doesn’t make it through the physical entrance exam for the best Jaeger pilot training school, UA. But after seeing him ace a Kaiju simulation, the world’s greatest ranger, All Might, intervenes, and Izuku is able to enrol at UA after all. Unsurprisingly, Kacchan’s there too — and their drift compatibility is through the roof. Much to Izuku’s dismay, even piloting a Jaeger together isn’t enough to regain their close friendship as children. Will almost dying (twice) be enough for them to finally be truly honest with each other?

The Time Between Our Lives by Fitzrovia (36k (56k inc. sequels), E, switching, canon divergent and AU)

Major tags: Hurt/comfort, angst w a happy ending.

Deku and Kacchan are sent back in time by a villain’s quirk and end up in an abandoned temple, quirkless. In order to escape — and return to their old lives — they must rake the gravel in the garden into a design that shows the beauty of all life. It takes a very, very long time.

Spacewalk by SamIsNotLegend (35k, M, AU)

CW: Major character death

Major tags: Sci-Fi/Horror, angst w a happy ending, grief/mourning.

Astronauts Izuku and Katsuki are set to co-lead the first manned mission to Jupiter… but a year and a half before launch, Izuku is hit by a car and dies. Katsuki has to lead the mission — their mission — alone, and sure enough, everything goes wrong. And keeps going wrong… until it starts going right. 

and a bonus totally-not-a-longfic-but-it-slaps:

Vertigo by Cyhyr (15k, T, canon adjacent)

Major tags: hanahaki, angst with a happy ending.

Pro hero Deku has hanahaki. He makes a plan to run away and just... die (when it gets too severe to keep working), but he didn’t account for Kacchan. 

[hana-no-seiiki]

YANDERE ! BATFAM W/ MILES MORALES (BUT GENDER NEUTRAL) ! READER

[ SERIES MASTERLIST ] [ PREVIOUS PART] [ NEXT PART ]

GENERAL CW/TW: Spoilers for Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse. Typical Yandere themes of stalking, violence, and whatnot.

PART CW/TW:

current status: unedited

summary: after free falling into your senior’s arms and having an extremely awkward exchange. you make a new friend as peter seems to know another vigilante that may be able to help. damian calls dick for help. christmas is about to get messy as the final showdown with kingpin is closing in.

Reply if you’d like to be added to the taglist!

WHAT’S UP DANGER

(PART THREE)

“Two thousand off thermometers, two thousand surrounding us, travel two thousand kilometers to hang out with us,

What’s up danger? (Danger) What’s up danger? (Danger)”

Tim was alert most of the time.

He had to be if he wanted to maintain safety.

But that didn’t mean he was expecting a cutie to just fall into his arms.

Still the fact that he managed to catch you and is nonchalantly carrying the weight of all the pasteles your mom sent this morning and whatever concoction of food you’ve had to eat courtesy of faster metabolism for a couple of seconds now is impressive.

It’d be love at first fall if it weren’t for the fact that you were stressed out with the multiverse potentially collapsing into itself.

Before he could answer the question that both of you said in sync you push yourself off and make sure he doesn’t spot any potentially undissolved webbage.

“ Sorry, um, turns out self learning parkour isn’t a totally smart idea. “

Seeing you more clearly now. Tim recognizes your appearance as the person whose dad forced them to say I love you out loud during the first day of classes.

Sure, he was jampacked with activities both in his civilian and vigilante life but that didn’t mean he’d forget an event like that.

He remembers seeing you somewhere else as well, but he couldn’t put his finger on where.

“ I . . . may know a few things about parkour. I can teach you if you want?”

You stared at Tim as he uttered those words. The dark eyebags, the half drunk coffee in his hand (that he somehow miraculously kept stable even after catching you) and thought to the fact that your identity had to be kept hidden.

“ As tempting as it is to have someone as cute as you to teach me, I think I’ll pass. The eyebags look sexy and all but you look like you really need sleep.”

As you watch his skin turn pink you realize one fatal mistake. Two fatal mistakes in fact.

You take a note to check for concussions cause you clearly somehow miraculously gained balls and have been flirting with this cute stranger the past few minutes without noticing it.

Where was this confidence when you met Gwen huh?

“I — uh — have to go!”

Tim notices only after you’ve completely gone out of sight that his coffee has spilled all over the snow.

He stares at all the brown ambrosia he’s lost and wordlessly walks back home.

And before he knew it he was screaming into his pillow like a young school-girl in love.

That’s when he realized where else he’s seen you before.

In the hundreds of drawings Damian has made of your visage.

Jason wasn’t omnipresent. As much as he’d like to be everywhere at once it was simply impossible.

Roy helped a lot with patrolling the city but there was only so much the two can do together, only so much space the two can cover.

So when he met a man claiming to be from another universe with powers that allowed him to basically be anywhere, whenever. Jason was hooked.

Peter B. Parker is apparently his roommate and friend in another universe and is currently trying to head back.

He was skeptical at first. But as soon as Peter started revealing a bunch of sensitive information only people he was close to knew he had to concede.

It was there when he met you.

You reminded him a lot of himself himself when he was younger. Eager to prove yourself to match up the spider-people you met.

As such, he may or may not have been watching over you practice. It started with him casually observing you really. He didn’t know when it escalated.

But, it was his duty to keep citizens safe after all so even after realizing how strange his actions were he still kept an eye on you no matter what.

Seeing you fall into no other than the arms of his replacement struck a chord in him that he couldn’t describe.

He should have been faster (honestly speaking he wasn’t expecting you to be that bad web slinging). He should have been the one that saved your spine from being broken.

But nope, Tim had to be there. Right at that moment. It was as if destiny was laughing at his inability to do anything better than his siblings.

The following days he decided to keep an even closer eye on you.

Unfortunately that meant he was within your spider sense range and you were totally aware of his presence.

After you realized it was just Red Hood being red hood you shrugged and paid no mind to it. You had more important matters to tend to.

Still, the cheeky part of you couldn’t resist and gave him a wave and grin.

Hopefully whatever him and Peter were coming up with works.

As you stare into the broken flashdrive you and the latter stole a while back you grimace.

There was no time. You were to improve now or never.

Jason looked at you. His heart racing uncontrollably at the smile you gave him.

He wondered what other kind of expressions you could make with that pretty face of yours. How’d you look when you were afraid and how relieved and happy you’d be when he comes in to save the day. How you’d smirk when the two of you take down another group of thugs. Backs against eachother. A sign of absolute trust.

You. You were going to be his partner in crime in the future.

And he’d be damned if anything happen to you.

He couldn’t help but be excited for when the other spider-people left the scene.

Damian was slowly but surely losing his mind.

It was winter break and he hasn’t seen you in the dorms at all. If it weren’t for his excessive obsession with replicating your face via art he’d probably forget how you’d look like. (He definitely wouldn’t but a point was being made, okay?)

He thought that you might have been kidnapped if it weren’t for Ganke informing him of your rare appearances.

At least the boy was good for something.

He takes one lengthy, very extensive, look at his brand new expensive phone.

And another lengthy, extremely extensive look at all the sketches he’s drawn of your face, your room, your everything.

It was time to bring in backup.

“Dick. I . . . need your help.”

Taglist: @vanessa-boo @w31rdg1rl @zlatolait-writes @ice-cream-writes-stuff

[nayatarot777]

how are your guides rewarding you for your efforts?

• pile one •

you guys have been learning something and studying something diligently - particularly learning alongside or from other people. the new knowledge that you’ve come across has brought you to an awakening about the fundamentals of life as human beings. i’m seeing many sleepless nights from learning how to create and pick from most valuable aspects of your life, leading you to a whole new life cycle. especially related to your physical realm. you’ve triumphed all of the judgements that others have put onto you - and most of all, yourself. you’ve transformed into someone who can take ahold over your ego and listen to what you feel like your soul or god or whoever/whatever you communicate with is trying to say to you. you answer the calling now, so you’re prepared for a new beginning in your daily life. your daily work could also include teaching this type of thing to others, too, and you’re really awakening other people too. thanks to this, new opportunities for your life are coming in.

your guides are bringing in a new set of people who you can collaborate with in some way, on this new journey that you’re on. i’m hearing “factory reset”. that perfectly explains your view on life. you could definitely feel reborn - as if you’re seeing life through new eyes after breaking out of a shell that you didn’t even know that you were in. you see life in a completely different way to before thanks to your awakening and you’re now able to see how the immaterial reflects the material. you could use divination, spell-work, or some other type of occult work within your daily life a lot more now, completely surrendering to what you now know about the laws of the universe. you’re accepting that you’re not in complete control of everything in your life - that you’re a co-creator with the universe. you understand that you just need to do your part and the universe will make shit happen for you. you’re accepting that you are psychic. you are a witch. you are whatever it is that you may have had resistance to fully believing in before. and now, you’re fully living life with full consciousness of this - meaning that you’re now living within your full power.

if this resonated with you and you’d like to check out the extended part of this reading (+3 paragraphs), then find it on patreon here :)

• pile two •

there’s a huge change that your guides are bringing into whatever work and foundation that you’ve been tending to. this is an extremely solid and stable foundation with a promising possibility to bare great fruits of your labour. your mind is going to be able to focus on this, which i feel like you may have struggled with before, but they’re going to enable your attention to be streamlined towards this. there could even be some communication that comes in swiftly that also changes something about this practical work foundation that you’re building. i’m mainly seeing your guides helping you to really master receiving ideas and acting on them when necessary. i’m getting a message that you may be used to overworking yourself or worrying that your ideas aren’t good enough - but not anymore. there’s a level of confidence that you’re stepping into which is unmatched regarding your work. just giving yourself way more praise and recognition for your work than before. this major change could be an idea regarding a different method of working compared to what you’re used to - more faster and efficient than before. they’re granting you the independence and confidence needed to take control over your work without over-exerting yourself.

thanks to all of this, you’re going to be able to really slow down (something that you may not have been able to do recently) and give you time to just think - mainly about yourself and your next moves which will help you to know exactly what your work needs. this small, stable foundation is the result of a whole lot of persistence from you. and patience. but the waiting game is now over as there’s going to be an extremely positive shift in abundance that helps you to relax. you’ve put in enough time and tender nurture and care into your figurative garden, so there seems to be the completion of something within this. the completion of an “amateur” phase or something like that? your shift in confidence will also push this further. your guides are highly protective over what you’re waiting to come to fruition. working with time and understanding the dimension of time in the physical world and manifestation is paying off for you heavily. you’ve kept at work that didn’t grow particularly fast for an extremely long time. so your guides are granting you with a much needed rest period in which you can enjoy the fruits of your labour without having to worry about constantly focusing on work.

if this resonated with you and you’d like to check out the extended part of this reading (+3 paragraphs), then find it on patreon here :)

[belovedapollo]

I would love for you to talk about how you take your photos (things to pay attention to, lighting, editing tools, or anything else you think is relevant)! They're always so gorgeous!

Hey, I’ve talked about it a while ago on here . Aside from that I try to balance out my “canvas”.

Like here it is a simple layout with four books in (almost) the same size. The colors are mostly muted and black and white with a hint of sepia/brown. I’ve been asked many times how I get my background so black, but the truth is I just use my black wooden table. You can always edit some parts if it’s not dark / light enough for you. For that I use either Snapseed or procreate (perks of procreate is that I can go in with my Apple Pencil and edit what I want specifically).

For this one (as another example) I liked to play with the sunlight through the windows/blinds. It makes the picture more interesting and a bit dramatic. For me personally, I like to make simple, everyday things to look calm and inviting.

In this one I liked to put certain objects as focus. In this case it’s the photograph from my childhood. And since it is a B/W photograph, I decided to include a journal entry and book page without anything to distract from it. The red underline of the book page brings a bit color but not too much.

Everything can become interesting as long as you focus on what you want to put out there. I like light so I try to capture it whenever I can. Makes me feel calm, alive and real. If you’re interested in something then that can become your subject.

Also, as a little reminder: I have a double degree in graphic and branding. I took two photography classes back in university and learnt a lot from there and from trying out things. Just because something works out for me it doesn’t mean you will like it or it would work out for you. When I was teaching art for one semester, I told my students to go and try out things. You like watercolor? Go and buy one color, one brush and get some water and paper and try working with it. Just by trying out you’ll learn a lot. You don’t have to get the most expensive things. You don’t have to buy trinkets to make a picture more interesting. You always should try with things you already have and go on from there.

I hope this helped. If you’d like to ask anything specific don’t hesitate to let me know. 🌹

[blackcherryvelvet0909]

Why Should I Worry? (Filis O. Seaveworth)

Content Warning: Passionate kissing towards the end, spoilers for the Playful Land event, kidnapping (canon event), child abduction (canon event), mention of menstrual period

Note: Filis uses he/him and she/her pronouns throughout the story. She goes by he/him when under the moniker of Henry W. Taon. Filis O. Seaveworth/Henry W. Taon, Persayis N. Siofra, Liling Trieu, Revon C. Crowley, Alyssum Desrosiers, and Juliusz A. Bauer all belong to me. A few characters mentioned (surnames Sharnaz, Thazeen, and Fardowsa), as well as Arty, also belong to me. There are a lot in this one folks, haha.

Additional Note: This is a repost of a story of mine, with a few minor changes. It's over 11k words, so sit down and get comfy!

“Don’t forget to read pages one hundred seventy-two through one hundred eighty-eight,” reminded the assistant professor to the students. “The information found within the text will be on tomorrow’s test.” 

A series of grumbles and groans followed the pupils as they walked out of the classroom and into the hall, off to lunch. Henry reorganized their desk space, restacking books on the left and sorting papers that needed to be graded on the right. He placed the feathered pen back in its inkwell, right after making sure said inkwell wasn’t in need of a refill. Once the desk was properly sorted, he erased the chalkboard directly behind him, then wrote down the instructions for the start of class with a piece of crisp white chalk. After dusting off his hands with the cloth used for that specific purpose, Henry walked down the aisles of student desks, making sure no one had left any belongings or trash behind. Satisfied that everything was in order for the next class, Henry gathered his things from the little cabinet next to the door. The strap of his canvas bag looped over his shoulder, the assistant teacher exited the room and headed to the cafeteria. 

It was a pretty day outside. The sky was clear, the sun was shining, the air seemed sweet. The man’s calico cat ears twitched as they listened to a few birds chirp below, likely perched in a tree or on a bench. He couldn’t help but flick out his tongue for a taste of that sweet wind as a gentle breeze blew by. Henry quickly retracted that tongue as two students passed him from behind; he gave them a polite wave of greeting, which they returned with a smile before they continued on. The stress of teaching class slowly trickled its way out of his mind and body. It would soon return, likely in the afternoon once the school day was done, yet Henry didn’t mind too much. 

Night Raven College was exactly where the beastkin wanted to be. For years they’ve dreamt of being a teacher - to get an opportunity to be a professor at their alma mater was extra special! Henry had applied for the position of assistant professor on a whim, not believing he would even get an interview. How surprised he was when the headmage himself contacted him and set one up with him. It was Trein that had recommended Henry for the position; the same man who wrote Henry’s letter of recommendation for his university of choice shortly before he graduated from Night Raven. Now, here Henry was: an assistant to Professor Trein, and a candidate for his replacement upon his retirement. Life couldn’t be better!

“Mr. Toan!” Henry stalled his stride as someone called his name. He turned to see a student approaching him: Ortho Shroud. The teacher smiled as the robotic boy approached, books clutched to his chest. His big yellow eyes practically twinkled as he gazed up at the beastkin; the new freshman looked quite smart in his new model, fashioned after the uniform for Ignihyde first years. “I decided to write about the lost city of Atlantis for my history paper. Can you recommend some books to read to help with my research?”

Henry chuckled to himself - there was at least one freshman eager to learn. “I think I can help with that. How about we reconvene at the library after the day is done? We can decide on the best options together.” 

Ortho nodded eagerly. “Yes, I’ll do that. Thank you so much, sir!” As the boy began to levitate back the way he came, he gave the teacher a friendly wave. “I’ll see you later!” 

Henry waved back, right up until the boy disappeared around a corner. Not every student could be so dedicated. Although, Henry supposed he could sympathize with those who despised anything to do with education, at least to a degree. Back when he was a student, Henry always struggled with master chef and conjuration. He was barely able to pass those classes with a high mark, and that took a lot of struggle and studying, trial and error. Even now, as an adult working on their master’s degree, Henry still found those subjects to be quite troublesome. Not everyone could be like him and be stubborn enough to keep trucking along without giving up. 

As Henry reached the road leading to the cafeteria, he paused and winced, placing a hand on his hip. The faintest grimace crossed his face, eyelids falling shut as he swallowed the whimper that threatened to escape his lips. Great Seven, what a pain! If it were up to Henry, that was one thing they would do away with. However, as he was still considering what he wanted from that part of life, he’d neglected to look into any sort of surgery to permanently fix the problem. After a small hiss, followed by a deep breath, Henry opened his eyes and let his hand fall back to his side. 

“Hey, you okay?” 

Henry glanced over at the woman that now stood beside him. “Yes, I’m alright.”

“That time again, huh?” she suggested with a smile. 

“Not quite, but it’s getting close.” 

“You want to come with me to the infirmary?” she offered. “I’m heading there anyway; we can pick you up some painkillers.”

That did sound nice. Henry checked the watch on their wrist - yes, he should still have enough time to grab a bite to eat afterwards. “Yes, I’ll come with,” he said with a smile.

It wasn’t that long of a walk, really. Within about ten minutes they were there, engaging in polite conversation even after they’d entered the nurse’s office. The ghost on shift gave the two a nod of acknowledgement as they entered. Once it was returned and the pair shut the door behind them, the nurse attendant went back to his business, making beds at the end of the room. There were no students in the room; as the ghost was privy to Henry’s situation, there was no reason to hide whilst there. 

“How’s that binder treating you?” Revon asked as she handed Henry - Filis - the bottle of painkillers. 

Filis let out a sigh as she fetched herself a styrofoam cup and filled it with water from the sink faucet. “I’m wondering if it’s for me. It’s awfully suffocating, and it only makes my cramps worse when my period comes.” 

Revon hummed in thought. “You think you need a bigger size? Maybe one made of a different material?”

Filis shook her head as she sat down in a chair next to one of the beds close to the door. “No… I’ll probably just stop wearing it.” She placed the cup of water on the small side table next to her and opened the bottle of pills, pouring two into her open palm before closing it. “I’m so used to wearing sweaters and cardigans that I won’t feel much of a difference. I doubt any student will bat an eye, either, as that’s my usual fashion.” 

Revon watched as Filis put the pills in her mouth and swallowed them down with a few gulps of water. “Well, at least you tried. You’re right, it’s definitely not for everyone.” She met Filis’s eye as she placed her cup on the table. “You think your regular bra will keep you from, y’know…bouncing?” 

Filis let out a small, quiet laugh. “There’s barely anything to bounce!” She patted her chest. “These have been kept hidden since I came here as a freshman. No one noticed then - I don’t think they will now, especially with the layers I wear.” 

Revon nodded. She paused for a moment, thinking something over. “Do you mind if I ask you something?” Filis shook her head. “This is probably a dumb question, as I’m sure you went over your options before applying here, but you never thought to teach at a girls’ school? You certainly wouldn’t have to hide anything there,” she paused a second time, briefly, then finished her thought with, “though I’ll admit I don’t know why you even hide you’re a woman here. We’ve been accepting female students for a while now.”

Filis shrugged. “Force of habit, I guess? I told you that, when I enrolled here, it was before Crowley opened the school’s doors to all genders.” She shot Revon a smile, “No thanks to you, I assume.” 

Revon put on a coy smile of her own as she shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Who can say?~” 

It still was a little unbelievable who her father was, honestly. Filis nearly fell out of her chair when that little fact was revealed to her. “I guess it just might be kind of weird to some? I mean, I’ve masqueraded as a boy since I was sixteen. A part of me will always be Henry Wendall. Taon - switching over to Filis Olivia. Seaveworth won’t change that.” She took another sip of her water. “I also don’t want anyone to start treating me differently, whether due to my gender or my name.” 

Her family name, to be exact. It wasn’t always Seaveworth, but upon her adoption Filis was thrust into high society. It felt like whiplash the first year or so, and while she’d grown used to it, the status came with its drawbacks. People kissing up to you and stop considering you a person and more of a prospect, for example. Filis was quite happy with being Henry W. Taon - Mr. Taon to many - for now. She likely would make the change to her actual name at some point, but for now she was happy with where she was. 

“Well,” Revon began, “if you ever do decide to make the big reveal while you’re here, I can promise you I’ll handle any backlash or trouble that might come with it. No one should really bat an eye, since people transition and take new pronouns all the time, but there will always be some people.” Revon flipped a few tresses of hair over her shoulder for effect. “And I oh so love to deal with those types of people.” 

Oh, Filis was well aware of that. She recalled the last time Revon had to wrangle an angry parent, and when she previously had to give a student a very stern talking to. Each for a separate reason, yet each held one similarity: those types of individuals were downright rude and entitled and did not know when to quit. The only reason Filis let Revon deal with her share of those miscreants instead of taking care of it herself was, as bad as it might sound, Revon had daddy’s protection. Seven held the one who tried to touch the headmage’s little bird. For how often he hinted at threats concerning his daughter, everyone and their mother knew he was serious. 

“True identity aside, I really do like it here,” Filis added. “I would like to stay here as long as possible, even if I don’t take Mozus’ place when he retires. My family worked too hard to get me here as a student; I’m not going to back out now when I’m about to reach the goal they’ve supported since then.” 

Revon knew which family she was referring to. “You know, if you don’t win a teacher’s award at some point, I’m going to peck out the eyes of whoever’s in charge of handing them out.”

Filis laugh was louder this time. “Do not!”

“Whaaat?” Revon mused. “They’ll never know it was me! It’ll just be some random bird with a mysterious vendetta.”

Filis felt a little sad Revon, Divus, Sam, and Ashton weren’t in her class during her time as a student. She believed those years would’ve been extra amounts of fun with them around. There truly wouldn’t have been much reason for worry.

Filis, currently Henry, watched as all the students filed in. He - she - gave a polite greeting to each that walked in; whether or not they replied at all depended on the person. Filis could discern which had gotten a full night’s rest and which decided to pull an all-nighter by the looks on their faces. Each placed stapled stacks of papers on the desk, right in the little basket Filis had set out to retrieve them. A few she could already tell would have poor grades, as they were either one page only or sparsely written. Those were from the usual suspects, of course. There was teenage rebellion and angst aplenty about the school. 

When the last student took their seat, Filis grew a little puzzled. A few of them were absent, she realized. The first she noticed was Ortho, whose bright, joyful orbs of sparkling yellow had not greeted her at all that day, as they often did. The boy always tried to arrive early, especially attentive to his studies. Filis had been looking forward to reading his paper, which he’d been working so hard on the past two weeks. The memory of them picking out books at the library for Ortho’s research on Atlantis still hung fresh in her mind. 

The other freshmen missing were Ace Trappola and Jack Howl. The former wasn’t too surprising, but the latter? Goodness, had they all fallen ill? Perhaps they partook in too much fast food or candy or some other treat that they overindulged in over the recent weekend, and now they were all sick in their beds? Wait, that didn’t make much sense for Ortho. The cybernetic boy couldn’t exactly eat, given his anatomy - his entire physical body. Filis didn’t feel like he and Jack would skip class with Ace, either. 

When Trein arrived moments later, Filis pointed out the missing students. According to him, he hadn’t heard about anything befalling the three that would prevent them from attending class. While he brushed off the absence of Trappola, given his record, the professor stated he would check-in with the status of Shroud and Howl later. So, trying not to worry, Filis went on about her day. The majority of the first and second classes were spent reading and grading research papers, which was a very time consuming task. Thankfully, there were only a few times she pulled Trein aside for a second opinion on a student’s work. 

It was one of those times when Filis noticed that there were other students missing from the lineup. This occurred in the second class of the day, which included sophomores. There were five missing this time: Jade and Floyd Leech, Liling Trieu, and Kalim Al-Asim. Jamil Viper was also absent. Later in the day, when everyone breaked for lunch, she was able to figure out where Jamil had gone off to. Apparently, according to Divus, Jamil had taken the day off to search for Kalim - the Al-Asim heir was missing. Filis’ colleagues, including Crowley himself, were looking into the matter at the moment, though how much Crowley would actually do was up for debate. 

When it was time for the last class of the day, Filis truly began to worry. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for Leona Kingscholar to be absent, and only a little odd for Cater Diamond to be. For Vil Schoenheit, Lilia Vanrouge, Persayis N. Siofra, Juliusz A. Bauer, and Trey Clover though? Fourteen students were missing. That was no coincidence. It was certainly cause for alarm; while Filis and Trein remained calm for the duration of class, afterwards an emergency meeting was held in Crowley’s office.

“Oh, you know how children are,” Dire Crowley mused. “They’ve likely skipped class to go off and make some mischief! I’m sure they will be back soon.”

“They are missing, dad!” Revon bit back. “Sure, a few of them like to skip class from time to time; they could have probably snuck off campus. But Vil? Persayis? They’ve nary missed a single day of school! Why would they suddenly take flight now?” 

The man that was somehow the father of such a woman shrugged, in much the same way she would. “Youthly rebellion?” 

Revon looked as though she might blow a fuse. It almost appeared as though her eyes were beginning to glow, her teeth grit in rage. Before a brawl could ensue, Trein spoke up. “I highly advise that we investigate the matter. Even if this turns out to be something trivial, it is our duty to assure the safety of our students. They could be in great peril.” 

“I took it upon myself to question some of their peers,” Divus interjected. “Viper was the first to raise alarm; Hunt, Felmier, Bucchi, Rosehearts, Thazeen, Spade, Fardowsa, and the older Shroud were soon to follow. Just before I came to this meeting, Ashengrotto and Sharnaz also came to me with their concerns.”

“Draconia and his two attendants came to me earlier during our flying lessons,” Vargas piped up. He cut his eyes at Crowley. “They told me they’d come to you about Vanrouge and Siofra this morning, but said you just assured he’d turn up eventually.” 

The headmage was slowly being backed into a corner. “I am well aware of the maturity of those two. I simply thought they might be out. Who are we to keep two legal adults under wraps?” 

“When they’re loved ones don’t even know where they are?” Revon practically spat. “If I were the one missing, you’d be turning the whole island on its head!”

Well, he couldn’t argue with that. It was Sam who broke the momentary silence. “Might I add that one of the little imps that’s MIA is the prince of the Sunset Savanna. Tell me, wise headmage: what would happen if word were to get back to his family - his brother, the current king regent, that his own flesh and blood went off the radar whilst attending this school? If I were him, I’d certainly have a number of questions.” He brushed an imaginary piece of lint off his sleeve. “Not to mention his highness’s current lover, who I’ve heard the king regent and his wife are very fond of.” 

Filis could almost make out the sweat beading under Crowley’s shirt collar. There was no need for another push. The rest of the meeting was spent discussing how to proceed, aside from contacting the authorities and tracking down the students’ last known location. Each staff member had their part of play; unfortunately for Filis, hers was the smallest. She was to go back to Trein’s office and grade the rest of the second year’s research papers, and then go back to her living quarters for the evening. “I do not give you the task out of a lack of trust in you,” Trein explained to his assistant before he sent her on her way. “You simply do not yet possess the necessary experience to handle a situation like this.” 

Though it did nothing to quell Filis’ unease, she wasn’t offended. Mozus was right: she had never experienced a crisis like this. While she certainly hoped one of this magnitude hadn’t occurred in the past, Mozus and the rest of the staff were certainly trained in the procedures one should follow in these circumstances. Filis would be sure to ask to be trained in these as soon as the students were found and everything was settled. The beastwoman could barely concentrate on her work - her attention kept going back to her students. She could picture them all in her mind’s eye, their faces clear as day. Ortho stood out the most, his pupils full of excitement and wonder, curious about the world around him and willing to do whatever it took to explore it. 

Filis imagined their friends and loved ones were just as distraught. Whether their relationship be platonic, romantic, or familial, their hearts were likely being ripped to shreds now. Filis recalled Divus stating that Idia told him he couldn’t locate his brother via the tracker planted within his body. It was as though the boy had disappeared off the face of Twisted Wonderland! “It’s like he just floated out into the sea and poof! Gone!” For a young man that barely got any sleep to begin with, Filis reckoned he wouldn’t droop an eye anytime soon. 

Filis sighed as she put down her ballpoint pen, letting it roll across the desk before coming to a stop beside a paperweight. She laid her head in the center of her folded arms, placed atop the desk as a makeshift pillow. Where could they be? Where had they run off to? They couldn’t have taken the mirror - her colleagues would have been able to track that. There was no way they could get off the island without being seen. They couldn’t just up and disappear without a trace!

As Filis thought and thought, picking her brain for any sort of clue, a memory came to mind. It was just yesterday, in fact, when it occurred. Ortho had come to her again in the late afternoon, returning a paperclip he’d borrowed earlier in the day. There was no need to give it back, but the boy was so kind and well-mannered he didn’t like the thought of taking something from Filis - Mr. Taon - like that. As Filis did not want anything in return, Ortho felt it was only right to give back what she’d lended him. “If you receive kindness, you should give it in return,” he’d told her. What a sweet boy…

She and the student made small talk before going their separate ways. Filis recollected Ortho telling her about a ticket he received earlier in the day. It was for some carnival or fair, if Filis remembered right. “I wanted my brother to come with me, but he doesn’t like things like that. He thinks it’s a bad idea… I still hope I can go. It sounds like a lot of fun!” 

“It does,” Filis concurred then. “What is it for again? I don’t remember any news of a festival being held in town.”

“It’s a traveling amusement park!” Ortho had replied to her, looking ecstatic by the prospect. “It’s called Playful Land! You can only enter if you have a ticket. I’m so pleased I got one! I’ve never been to an amusement park before.”

Playful Land. The name had sounded familiar, but Filis couldn’t recall where she’d heard it then, and couldn’t now. Who’d given Ortho such a rare opportunity. A once in a lifetime venture, from the sound of it. The fact he disappeared the day after he’d regaled Filis of the entry ticket he’d received for it… Could the other students have gotten similar tickets? She further remembered Ortho telling her about going into town with some of his friends that day…

Filis reached into the pocket of her black slacks and took out a silver coin. It’d been given to her long ago by Arty: a member of her found family, the one she gained before her adoption. It was a good luck charm of sorts, one he gifted to her when she was just nine years old. Back then she wore a shirt and pants that were two sizes too big, a scruffy hand-me-down jacket with sleeves that went over her hands, and thrifted brown boots. She smiled fondly at the old memory, feeling nostalgic for those bygone days. If you’d told her little self that she’d one day have more riches than she knew what to do with, she would’ve believed you were a scam artist trying to sell her something. They were a dime a dozen in that part of town. 

“Take it as a reminder, kid,” Arty had told her, wearing a pair of black shades. Filis always thought they made him look cool. “There will always be bad times, but good things will eventually come your way. Don’t get your tail up in a knot about it.” She remembered how he slid his sunglasses down to the bridge of his nose and sent her a wink, paired with that devil-may-care smile. “Why should you worry?”

Neither of them knew that, years later, she would name her signature spell after that motto. No one could have known where her life would lead her. The coin she held in the crook of her thumb and forefinger, its old metal faintly clinting in the dim lamplight, was a daily reminder of where she came from. She would never forget, and never be ashamed. She was Filis Olivia - give or take the Seaveworth title. Good times were around the corner; everything would work out, just like it always did.

“Why Should I Worry?” 

From the rim of the coin shot out a beam of light - not too bright, not too dim. Its soft blue hue matched that of Filis’ favorite color, the same shade as the pullover sweater she wore over her white button up. She sat herself up and stood from her chair, leaving the many papers - graded and ungraded - behind. From her canvas bag, left open beside the desk, Filis grabbed her magic pen. It was the same one she received in her freshman year at the college; somehow, she’d managed to keep it looking relatively new. Only the magetone was new, having been replaced the year prior. It matched the same shade of blue as the stream of light that led her out the door and off Night Raven College campus. 

Filis’ brow furrowed as she reached the edge of the dock. What in the world…? The beam of light, still emanating from her lucky coin, stretched out to sea. It seemed to stop towards the middle of the expanse, but Filis couldn’t be sure. For all she knew, it could lead her many miles out, far away from Sage Island. This was certainly dangerous. She had to be smart if she wanted to get her and the students back to the college safely. 

Filis noticed that the lights of the island’s library were still on. Though it was a little past closing time, Filis tried the door anyway. Thankfully, it opened, the bell of above chiming as she entered. “We’re closed,” came a voice from within. Filis approached the front desk; a few minutes later, a man only half a decade older than her emerged from the back. He didn’t look too pleased to see her, likely eager to go home for the night. Filis recognized him, and he recognized her, his facial expression shifting to one of surprise. 

“I’m sorry to come in so late, Alyssum,” Filis said with an apologetic smile. 

“For you to come in after closing, it must be important.” He placed his hands against the desk and leaned forward, their ponytail - this time, it was tied back with a teal ribbon rather than blue -  falling over their shoulder. “Do you need to check something out for a class?”

“No, not tonight. I need a favor.” 

The librarian raised a brow. “And that would be…?”

“Can I leave a note here with you? I hope you won’t have to deliver it, but it’s a precautionary measure.” 

Their expression shifted to one of concern. “Are you in some sort of trouble?” 

“I don’t know,” Filis admitted. “But my student may very well be.” Filis glanced down at the coin in her hands, the beam of light balancing on its edge pointed slightly to the side, out the window and towards the sea. Alyssum couldn’t see it, of course - he’d be even more puzzled  if so. She put it in her pocket for now. “I think I know where they are. It’s risky, but I need to go now, before something bad happens.” 

“Do you want me to go with you?” 

“No, I don’t want you to put yourself in danger.” She pointed to a small basket of blank sheets of paper. “Can I have one of those?”

Alyssum retrieved her one, along with a black pen. With haste, Filis scribbled down where she was going, and where her colleagues should look. She then folded the note and handed it to Alyssum. “Give this to the headmage at Night Raven College if I’m not back here by lunchtime tomorrow. Please.” 

With some hesitance, Alyssum accepted the note. “I don’t suppose I could convince you to wait until the proper authorities arrive? I could give them a call.” 

“I can’t wait that long.” Filis was determined to get to her students as quickly as possible. To wait any longer may put them in further peril. “I’m sorry to put you up to this. When I come back, I’ll make it up to you.” 

“Yes, when.” Alyssum cut a stern look at their frequent patron. “Not if. I swear, if you wind up missing, too, I’ll hunt you down myself!” 

Filis’ ears perked up in surprise. “You’ve heard?”

The librarian shook his head. “Not a word, but I can put the pieces together.” He rolled his eyes. “A proper headmage you have over there.” Filis couldn’t argue with that. Alyssum sighed as he said, “Alright, I’ll do as you ask, if needed be.” He stood up straight again as he added, “I expect you back here a few minutes before lunch.”

Filis smiled from cheek to cheek. “Thank you.” 

Alyssum watched her go, right up until the library door shut behind her. As Filis reapproached the peer, descended the stairs to the dock, she picked her magic pen out of her pocket and raised it in the air. She mumbled an incarnation under her breath, one she’d repeated probably a million times. Just as she reached the edge of the dock, something swished over from above her. Slowly, the woman’s broom floated down, the initials H.W.T carved into the wooden handle. Beside that was painted a tiny blue bow, and in the center of that was an even tinier painted yellow bell. Another reminder of her family back home - who, without a doubt, would do something crazy like this for her. 

Filis pulled her broom over by the hand before mounting it. Usually she’d give herself a mental pat on the back for no longer being nervous to ride the thing, let alone fly, but now was not the time for such sentiments. Before she disembarked, she looped the button of her pants pocket into its hole, shutting the opening. That would prevent her lucky coin from slipping out of her pocket mid flight. The beam of light passed through the dark fabric, still trailing out to sea. Filis took a deep breath as she set her sights out on the horizon, swallowing any fear she might have and building up her courage. As she exhaled, she took off on her broom, following the blue trail. 

About thirty-five minutes passed before the light began to reach its end. Filis squeezed her magic pen a little tighter as she approached her destination. She grew troubled as she neared the end of the trail. There was nothing there. Her heart began to sink, her mind coming up with all sorts of horrid possibilities. They couldn’t be… How would they…? 

She gasped as she passed through something thick, as though she were flying through pea soup. It was cold and tingly, kind of like when she traveled by magic mirror. Her ears flattened against her head; every piece of fur and hair on her person stood on-end. Filis’ left hand gripped her broom tight, as did her right around her pen. She shut her eyes, pushing forward and forward and forward. Then, after what was probably only a few seconds, it stopped. Filis flinched as bright lights suddenly appeared in front of her closed eyelids. 

When she opened them, she gasped again as she looked down at the new landscape she’d just entered. It was an amusement park! There was a gigantic roller coaster at the rear, a humongous eight ball to her left, a sprawling mansion behind the eight ball, and a water ride that ran the length of the north side of the park - all spaced out between funhouses and food stalls and colorful tents. When she looked ahead, Filis beheld a grand theater, bright lights highlighting its rich red curtains, gilded gold trimmings, and black and white striped stage. Filis slowed her speed, barely above a drift as she began to lower herself to the ground. She swept strands of hair away from her face, clearing her vision. As she descended, she observed various broken wooden figures scattered about the place, though a few here and there still remained in one piece. 

“Puppets?” Filis mumbled to herself, curiously looking about. A few miles away, there stood the remnants of some building, now a shadow of its former self. Now that she got a better look at the land around her, the place was an absolute mess! It was like a stampede had run through, tearing apart everything in sight! “What happened here?” she whispered. 

Her ears perked up as she heard a noise come from somewhere behind her. It came a second time, then a third. Filis quickly realized it was a voice, what’s more one she recognized. That had to be Ace! Another voice cried out after him: Kalim! They sounded like they were in trouble! Filis hopped off her broom and left it behind as she ran towards the theater, the source of their cries, magic pen at the ready. 

She slowed to a stop as she neared the towering curtains framing the stage. There were other people with them, she realized. However, the voice that spoke now wasn’t familiar. It sounded like an older man, ordering someone else to put another in a cage “with the other one.” Filis crouched down and itched over to the entrance, discreetly taking a peek behind the curtain on the right. She had to hold in the gasp that dared to rip from her throat. All the missing students were there, in cages, and Filis was just in time to watch an unconscious Persayis be thrown into the one that contained Lilia. 

Filis waited for the man to come to her side, to embrace and comfort her, perhaps try to wake her. To Filis’ surprise he didn’t move - not an inch. A rabid fury raged behind those dark eyes, yet the fae refused to budge. Could he not move? Filis glanced around at the other students - most of them weren’t moving, either. That was her biggest hint her assumption was correct, given that Floyd would have been throwing a fit in his predicament, especially since his little girlfriend, Liling, was trapped along with him.

Those poor things…Ace and Kalim were the only ones who seemed to still possess the ability to move. They protested and resisted, unwilling to back down, though it seemed Kalim was beginning to give in. Suddenly, a cell phone rang. It was only then Filis noticed a beastman standing a short several feet away from the cages. She figured he must be in cahoots with the smaller one, who just finished closing the cage holding Lilia and Persayis. The little one, just a bit younger than sixteen, put his droopy eyed gaze on the taller man, who excused himself to answer the phone. The boy, his partner in crime, did not follow. 

It was then Filis witnessed just how cunning her students could be. Ace began to appeal to the younger boy, talking about his time at Night Raven College. A few of his classmates - thankfully, they at least still possessed the ability to speak - soon joined in, recalling all their misadventures at the school. The little boy, whose clothes were way too big for his body, seemed intrigued by their stories. He clutched his toy hammer in his hands, nearly equaling him in height. His large pupils and bright green orbs sparkled in wonderment, much like Ortho’s when he was beholding something that amazed him. Despite this, when Ace tried to coax the boy into freeing them, so they could take him back to Night Raven and show him what a good time he could have there, the beastman shrunk back and shook his head.

Something compelled Filis to step out of hiding. She stepped out from behind the curtain, the sound of her footsteps catching everyone’s attention. “Mr. Taon?!” Kalim yelled in surprise, but was hastily and vehemently shushed by his underclassman. From behind Ace and Kalim, Filis could see Persayis was starting to come to. Unlike the others present, she wasn’t wearing a mask. Could those masks be the key to their predicament? 

Filis decided to figure that out later. For now, she focused on the small boy before her, droopy eyes now wider than before as they stared up at her. He appeared afraid, hammer at the ready to wallop her. If it could do much damage to begin with. She put on a friendly smile, holding up her hand to silently shush him. “Hey, it’s okay,” she said softly. “I don’t want to hurt you.” 

Against her better judgment, she put her magic pen away in her right pocket. Her lucky coin, kept safe in her left one, still beamed that ray of blue light. It passed the boy and shot in the direction of where that other man had gone. So, he was the one Filis was supposed to find. She’d deal with him soon enough. She bent down a little as she maintained eye contact with the beastman, trying to get down on his level. 

“My name is F-” She stopped herself, recalling who she was around. “Mr. Taon. You can call me Henry, if you want.” The boy still appeared unsure, but there was now a curious glimmer in his gaze. “I’m an assistant teacher at Night Raven College.” She pointed towards the cages. 

“Those are my students over there. I was worried when they didn’t come to class, so I came looking for them.” Filis knew outright accusing the boy of kidnapping them, helping that other man imprison them and Seven knew what else, would be a bad move. She wracked her brain for what she’d been taught at her university, recalling how to talk to children his age. “What’s your name?” she asked. The boy didn’t answer - he simply stared up at her. 

“His name’s Gidel,” Ace offered up from within his cage. “He can’t speak.” 

Oh, so that's why the little cat was so quiet. She wondered if he knew sign language. To test her theory, Filis asked Gidel in sign, “Do you understand this?” Gidel continued to stare at her, this time with a wisp of confusion across his face. Well, there was her answer. “Did you see what I did with my hands? That’s called sign language.” 

Gidel tilted his head to the side and blinked, growing evermore curious. He wanted to know more. “It’s a language specifically designed for people like you,” she explained. “It takes a while to learn,” she gave him an encouraging smile, “but I think you could get the hang of it!” This next question was a little stupid, but if it got Gidel to communicate, it was worth a shot. “Have you ever been to school?” 

Gidel shook his head ‘no.’ What? That was strange…boys like him should be coming into middle school by now. She glanced in the direction of where the older beastman had disappeared. Just what had he been doing with this child, not giving him an education? That was all sorts of neglect! This boy might be as much of a victim as her students were. 

She tore her gaze away from the backstage area and turned her attention back to Gidel. Filis kept her voice calm and light, as if she were talking to a friend. “Do you think you’d like to learn sign language?” Gidel paused for a moment, thinking the prospect over. Then the most adorable of little smiles crossed his face as he nodded his head. “Well, I’d love to teach you. I could make some time for it after my classes back at the college.” 

“He’s telling the truth,” Kalim piped up, seeming a little more chipper than before. “Mr. Taon’s a great teacher! He helped me when I was having trouble with my History of Magic class.” Kalim looked very proud of himself, chest puffed out and grinning from ear to ear as he added, “I passed my exam with high marks!” 

“Yeah, what he said!” It was Ace that spoke up this time. “Mr. Taon got Professor Trein off my back when I didn’t turn in my homework one time. He even convinced him to give me a little more time to turn it in! I’m sure he’ll stick his neck out for you, too.” Ace sure hadn’t expressed his thanks before - it felt good to hear him say that about her. Filis’ confidence got a little boost, which caused her smile to brighten. 

“School can be hard,” Filis said honestly. “But it is also a lot of fun! You can learn so many things, and it can lead to you doing something you really like to do.” 

“And get paid for it!” Ace added. Gidel certainly perked up at that. So, money was a motivating factor for him. Filis could sympathize - she knew what it was like to go without. 

“Mr. Taon let me pick out the topic for my research paper!” Filis finally noticed Ortho, who was stationed in a cage a little behind Ace and Kalim. He was dressed like a little drummer boy, Filis thought. “It was so much fun to learn about Atlantis! It’s an ancient city that existed long ago and-” Ortho stopped himself. ��Oh, I shouldn’t spoil it; Mr. Taon hasn’t read it yet!”

Filis’ heart melted at the young Shroud’s excitement. He’d worked really hard on his report, reading over every single page of the books Filis helped him pick out. She couldn’t wait to sit back and read what he’d written. 

“A boy your age should be surrounded by other children.” Every head - that could move - turned to look at Persayis, who seemed to have just come to. Though she appeared to have not come around fully, she offered Gidel a kind smile. “You would be able to make friendships that last a lifetime.” 

Gidel flinched away from the fae. There was an apparent fear in his eyes, his little body trembling a tad. Persayis’s smile was replaced by a look of shame and sadness, tucking herself as far out of sight as she could. Though he could not move, Lilia’s eyes portrayed his wish to comfort the poor thing. Filis pondered what could have happened before she arrived that made the boy so afraid of Persayis. She supposed she would receive the answer at a later date. “I really would love for you to come back with us,” Filis said, regaining Gidel’s attention. She held out a hand towards him in peace, “I promise to help you in any way I can.”

Gidel stared at her in silence, blinking every other second. He studied her like that for a few long moments, expression unreadable. Then, with barely a sound, he turned and walked away, in the direction where the other man had gone. Filis’ heart sank - she didn’t convince him. Gidel likely went off to tell the man about her, an intruder, so he could come and take her down. “Shit,” she cursed under her breath. What to do, what to do…

Filis noticed Kalim and Ace had gone stark still, along with Ortho. Oh no, she was running out of time! She bolted over to the boys and asked in a rush, “What’s happened to you?” 

“The masks,” Kalim answered, struggling to speak. “They’re stuck to our faces; they’re gonna turn us into wooden puppets!” 

Filis felt sick to her stomach. That’s what was happening to them? They were slowly being turned into dolls? 

“It’s an ancient curse.” Filis whipped her head around as Persayis spoke up, a little more awake now than she’d been before. “Before, when we were given the masks, I got a feeling I’d seen them before. I discreetly tossed mine away and made a replica with my own magic while I tried to figure out where they’d come from.” She hung her head, tears in her eyes. “I realized when it was far too late.” 

“Is there a way to break it?” Filis asked, trying to keep her cool.

“We couldn’t,” came her reply. “Only the caster can dispel the curse. There is another way, but we do not have the materials necessary.” Persayis raised her head to look up at Lilia. “If it would even work now.” It was apparent she was trying to not break down crying. “I’m so sorry…” 

With great strain, Lilia managed a smile, a silent way to tell his love it was not her fault. It was all so heartbreaking… To think this could be their fate, and there was nothing Filis or anyone could do to stop it. …No, there was a way. Filis ripped her magic pen out of her pocket. She spun around and began to march in the direction Gidel and that other man had gone. If that man was the caster, he could break the curse - Filis would make him if it was the last thing she ever did. 

Filis didn’t make it far. A few steps in and the two appeared from around the corner. The three paused simultaneously in their stride, shocked to see her standing there, more-so the older beastman beside Gidel. He appeared to be a fox beastman, now that Filis got a closer look at him. His clothes were neat, yet patched up in certain areas. They were old, that was for certain. With her lower class upbringing, Filis could spot a person down on their luck from a mile away. 

Filis directed her magic pen right at the man’s head. A low hiss rose from the back of her throat, teeth bared and body prepared for a fight. No matter what, she was going to free her students from their cages, from that horrible curse. She was their teacher, their protector. That man was not going to get away with this! There was no time for thoughts of failure or all that could go wrong. 

Why should she worry? 

“There you go,” Filis said, handing the boy his workbook. “Remember: finish pages twelve and thirteen, and then you’re finished for the day.” She pooped the little man on the nose; it crinkled as he smiled and closed his eyes on instinct, his freckles in full view. “And I mean it! You’ll burn yourself out if you study too much.”

He smiled and nodded, then turned around and trotted back to his room. He would sit at his little desk, in his comfy little chair, and do as he was instructed down to the letter. Gidel was such a diligent student, so eager to learn everything he could get his hands on. It was trouble enough to get him to stop working and be a kid and play! Filis smiled as she watched him go, right up until he disappeared from view. She then went back to cutting vegetables on the counter - something she herself had taken time to practice over the past two years. Filis was quite proud of her progress.

In the next room over, the front door opened. “Honey, I’m home!~” came a voice in a sing-song tone, followed by the door shutting. Filis rolled her eyes, smile now mocking as she shook her head as she continued to chop the carrot into thick, but not too thick slices. Footsteps entered the room behind her, followed by the sound of three brown paper bags being placed on the kitchen table. Those footsteps swiftly approached Filis from behind; before she could react, two arms wrapped around her midsection and pulled her back against a strong chest. She gasped, almost dropping the knife as a kiss was pressed to her neck with an accentuated “mwah!” 

“Fellow Honest, I have a knife!” Filis scolded, turning her head as far as she could to look back at the sneaky fox. 

The man nonchalantly shrugged. “I’ve had worse.” Then proceeded to give Filis another lip smack, this time on her jaw. 

Filis placed the knife on the cutting board, so neither one of them would get stabbed. Fellow rubbed his cheek against the top of her head, the silk blue bow tied at the back of her hair tickling his chin. Filis wrapped her arms around his own just as he placed a kiss on her scalp. “Someone’s clingy today,” she commented, a grin pulling at her mouth as he delivered a kiss to her ear. 

Fellow made a hum in question. “Would you rather me be stoic and aloof and not shower you in kisses?”

Filis pretended to mull the prospect over. “Hm…if you were to act like that, I’d assume you were not who you said you were and proceed to beat you senseless until you told me where the real Fellow was.” 

“Oh, come now, Filis!” The fox spun her around, releasing her from his hold in favor of addressing himself with his hand. “You really think someone could replicate my charms?~” 

Without skipping a beat, Filis snapped back with, “Most likely.” 

His expression shifted to one of surprise, thick brows scrunched in confusion, one rising in an arch. Then, just as quick, it switched to one of great pain and disappointment, Fellow’s ears flattening as he placed his hand over his heart. “To insult me so blatantly!” He sniffled. “And I thought you loved me.” 

“Oh, don’t start that mess!” Filis lightly tugged at a lock of his bright orange hair. “Did you get everything we need for the stew?”

He threw out his previous theatrics and nodded. “All except the celery. They just ran out when I got to the market.” 

Filis began to take the produce and other groceries out of the paper bags and set them on the kitchen table. “It’s alright, we can do without. We would have barely tasted it anyway.” She glanced over her shoulder. “Wash up and help me cut these up?”

Fellow swept down in a deep bow as he winked. “Your wish is my command, fair lady~” 

Again, Filis rolled her eyes, feigning annoyance. As Fellow turned on the kitchen sink faucet and proceeded to wash his hands, she couldn’t help but pause to watch him. In her mind, she could picture him in those elaborately patched clothes he wore when she’d met him. Fellow had looked like a ringmaster, but he’d mentioned to her before that that was the vibe he’d been going for. Nowadays, he often wore more casual attire: plain or graphic t-shirts, green cargo pants, a dark denim jacket, and a pair of black and white converse. Well, casual was the dress code unless Fellow was going to work, or some other time he needed to spruce himself up. The fox looked forward to dressing in such a manner, as he found it very fun. 

In a way, he and Gidel both were still getting used to living in relative comfort, not having to scrounge for food or wear tattered, and sometimes oversized, clothing. It’d been a hard road since the two started fresh, right after the Playful Land fiasco. Filis had aided the duo when she could, one of the key helping hands being when she loaned Fellow enough money to attend career school. That was right after he obtained his GED, which Filis also helped out with in terms of studying. For all the bad cards dealt to the man throughout his life, Filis wasn’t surprised when he immediately grew suspicious of her generosity. Filis being part of the upper class was a deterring factor as well. That was until Filis took Fellow and Gidel with her to visit her family - not just her adoptive one.

The childrens’ home wasn’t as rickety and rugged as it was when Filis was a child, yet one could tell it lacked exceptional funds. The home only had two sponsors: the Seaveworth family and the government. While Filis’ adopted father poured a huge sum into the orphanage’s accounts every six months, it couldn’t buy everything. Even so, the Fifth Avenue Homestead was moving up in the world, slowly but surely. Filis always kept an eye out for other potential sponsors; recently, she’d even managed to get a charity organization to donate to the place. The home’s growth was documented with several photographs taken by its residents over the years. Gidel picked Filis out of many without much problem, and the look of her and everyone else back then gave Fellow a glimpse into just how similar their childhoods were, at least financially. 

The romance was the unexpected bonus of the whole arrangement. It started out as a simple acquaintanceship; as Filis provided Gidel with an education, she lent a hand in Fellow advancing his and acquiring a suitable occupation. A little while later, Filis and her adoptive father began to set the groundwork for the school Fellow dreamed of opening for underprivileged children - with and without magical abilities. It would be located in a vacant townhouse just a couple blocks from where the three lived now. With a little remodeling, renovation, and the acquisition of study materials and other school necessities, it would be ready to open its doors. While Filis would be the face of the facility, it was only temporary until Fellow received his own teaching license. Just a little more saving, a little more hard work, and they could set that in motion, too. 

To think she, a year and a half ago, wanted nothing more than to send the man flying into the Coral Sea. Under the circumstances, as well as Fellow’s own actions, no one could blame her - not even Fellow and Gidel. That pride had definitely been hard to swallow for the fox, but that was one thing he promised her he’d become more of: honest. It was a steep learning curve after lying and deceiving for so long, but Fellow was getting the hang of it. If there was one thing he’d never be able to shake though, it was his showmanship. One of many things Filis now loved about the beastman. 

Suddenly, Filis was pushed out of memory lane as someone flicked her forehead. “Helloooo? Fili? Are you still with us?” 

Filis blinked a couple times as she came back to reality. “Hm?” 

“I turn around and you’re ogling me.” Fellow chuckled, smirk clear across his face. “Shameful! What if Gidel were to walk in? You’re supposed to be a role model for students, you know. Can’t be drooling over my good looks in front of the students, now can you?”

Filis scoffed. “The only reason I’ll be staring at you is to scold you for making a fool of yourself in front of the kids.” She flicked the tip of his nose, causing him to flinch and go cross eyed as he scrunched it. “You need to learn to behave yourself!” 

“And let the little tikes die of boredom? Why, I would be more irresponsible not stealing them away for a game or two in-between classes.”

Filis placed her hands on her hips and shot the fox a mock glare. “Are you saying I’m not fun, Mr. Honest?”

Fellow laughed. “There is only so much fun to be had when it comes to learning, Filis.” He tucked his tongue into his cheek as he flicked his gaze to the side. “Especially when you’re learning about some dead guy’s good or bad deeds.” 

Unlike Filis, Fellow never cared too much for history - or school in general. Filis knew from personal experience that, if Fellow had gone to a regular school in his youth, he would have been a pain in the ass to the teachers. “History is important and you know it!” 

“Mhm mhm, when you make it interesting, sure.” To an outsider, they would think the two were in the midst of a lover’s quarrel. That couldn’t be further from the truth - they were just play-fighting. Catch them actually fighting and that was a spectacle to binge eat popcorn to. Fellow showcased his signature smug grin as he finished with, “How’s that, Mr. Taon?~” 

Filis hadn’t been addressed by that name for a good six months now. It was bittersweet, leaving Night Raven College to open a school in the Shaftlands with Fellow. To become a professor at Night Raven was her dream; well, it was up until Fellow and Gidel entered her life. She remembered the night she made her decision, the one that would alter the course of her life. Filis had sat on her bed in her quarters on the college campus, lucky coin in hand. When she recited the incantation to produce her signature spell, the blue line of light that imitated from it sealed her fate. It shot out the window, away from the college and out towards the right side of Sage Island - where Fellow and Gidel were staying at a little bed and breakfast, visiting her for the weekend. 

Sure, Filis wouldn’t mind using her old moniker in the future. It was going to be very odd for students to address her as Ms. Filis. She’d gotten a taste of that when the students present at Playful Land learned that she wasn’t who she said she was, nonetheless not a guy. Of course, they still addressed her as Mr. Taon for the rest of her time at the college, but outside of that? It was a little strange now, when she received letters from a few of her former students every other month or so. Her most frequent writer was who she came to call her star pupil: Ortho Shroud. 

“I miss you being here,” he’d written to her once. “But I’m so glad you left to pursue your dreams! I’m still making good grades - I became an honor student! I hope Mr. Fellow and Gidel are doing okay, along with you, Ms. Filis!” 

Sweet boy… Filis planned to visit Sage Island next month, right before finals week. While she was looking forward to seeing her old students, those who still attended the college, the little Shroud held a special place in her heart. Of course, her old colleagues would be delighted to see her as well. Filis still kept in contact with them, too, especially Mozus and Revon. 

“Should you ever need guidance, know you can always call upon me,” Mozus had told her time and time again. Even professionals of the highest accreditation and excellence need a second opinion.” 

“You three take care of yourselves!” Revon had said the last time Filis called her. “Send me pictures of the school once it's finished. Oh, and one of your first group of kids! I want to know every detail.” Before they’d hung up the phone, Revon mentioned one other thing. “Tell Fellow that, if he breaks your heart or does something stupid, I’ll break more than his ankles.” After that first meeting with the woman, shortly after the destruction of Playful Land, Fellow definitely took that to heart. 

“Mr. Taon, Ms. Filis - doesn’t matter.” She poked his chest. “I demand, as your former tutor and your brother’s teacher, start chopping those vegetables, or we won’t have any dinner to speak of!” 

“So demanding!” Fellow fished a hair tie out of his pants pocket and began to pull his hair back. “This must be what it’s like to be scolded by your mother,” he mused. 

Filis forgot to reply. The calico cat was too busy watching her boyfriend do such a simple, domestic task. It was the little things that caught her attention when it came to her attraction towards him. The way he expertly twirled his hair between his fingers, effortlessly looping it through the hair tie. Though part of his biceps were hidden underneath the short sleeves of his plain white t-shirt, Filis could just make out them flexing underneath the cotton fabric. Fellow wasn’t overly bulky, nor could he be called a twink. To Filis, he was just right. 

Once more, the fox caught the cat lost in her own head. He snickered to himself as he took a step towards her, this time booping her on the nose. “Hey, kitty, you’re staring again~” 

Blood quickly rushed to Filis’ cheeks, clearly flustered. This time around, she slapped him on the arm. “Go chop the vegetables, now!” 

“Ah ah ah~” The fox man tutted. “There’s a price to be paid for every show.” Fellow took another step forward, forcing Filis to take one back. Her lower back pressed up against the edge of the kitchen table, and she soon found herself leaning further backward onto it. Fellow trapped her there, arms either side of her torso, looking rather pleased with himself. “All debts must be collected, you understand.” 

Filis’ tail slapped against his leg, brushing his fox tail. “Get off me you-” 

“Handsome, debonair gentleman?” Filis glared at him. “No? How about…” He held his chin with his forefinger and thumb, tapping the underside as he thought of another set of compliments. “Gorgeous, charming devil?~” 

Filis smirked. “More like a brazen, sly fox!” 

While it was still playful, Fellow’s smile took on a genuine undertone. Fellow released his chin and lowered his hand down to hold her waist. “I can live with that~” 

His kiss set every nerve of hers ablaze. Without a thought she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. The hand that was not holding himself upright slid up from her waist and to her cheek, caressing it gently. He soon deepened the kiss, gently tilting Filis’ head to the side to follow his lead. Her sleek tail coiled around his fluffier one, the fingers of one hand reaching up to scratch behind his ear. They now purred together, making their lips tingle. Filis smiled into the liplock as she felt Fellow’s tail wag back and forth, pulling hers along with it, swishing to and fro. 

Fellow just made up his mind to break the kiss and begin peppering Filis’ face with more when he heard a noise. Both he and Filis’ ears perked up at the sound of soft footsteps approaching from down the hall, a certain little bounce to them. Gidel. In a hurry, Filis and Fellow released each other, Fellow stepping aside to let Filis sit up from the table. They simultaneously straightened their clothes and fixed their hair, right before Gidel entered the room, a clear pep in his step. The little cat didn’t notice a thing. Yes, the two adults present were being so normal right now. 

“Finished already?” Filis asked, thankful she was able to hide the breathlessness she felt. Gidel nodded, looking quite pleased with himself as he offered up the pine green workbook, clutched in his sleeve covered hands. No matter how many times they offered Gidel clothes that were just his size, he always preferred ones with oversized sleeves. One because he was so used to it, and second because he thought it made him look cute. Filis wondered if a certain fae influenced that decision long ago. That, or it was how much Gidel could get away with when it came to strangers for looking so adorable. 

Filis opened the book and flipped to the pages she assigned him. She skimmed over the answers he’d written down - the first half in red colored crayon, the second in blue. Filis smiled conspiratorially down at him and asked, “You’re not trying to butter me up by writing in my favorite color again, are you?” The boy held up his arms in a shrug, smiling coyly. Filis hummed in thought as she looked back at the pages, pretending to scrutinize them a second time. The beastwoman then grabbed a red pen off the table, pulled off its cap with her teeth, and wrote a big ‘A+’ on both pages before flipping the workbook over for Gidel to see. 

“Not a single error. Great job!” 

It was like someone got a big bottle of glitter and poured it into Gidel’s eye sockets. He hopped up and down on the balls of his feet, clapping his hands together in glee. “Awesome job, smart guy!” Fellow congratulated his little brother with a ruffle of his naturally messy hair. “You’ll be making the big bucks in no time!” Fellow swiveled his head to the side to address Filis. “What was today’s subject?” 

“Algebra I.” 

Fellow looked like he got hit by a brick. Ah, yes, of course Gidel would succeed at something he absolutely slumped in. Well, better for him, he supposed. Though he was a little envious of the guy, Fellow’s frustrated grin was completely false. “Trying to one up me, huh?” This time, he picked Gidel up and held him sideways under his arm before proceeding to give him a noogie. “Don’t think this means you get all the spoils this weekend.” 

By spoils, Fellow meant the trio’s weekly night on the town. Scratch that, they couldn’t do it every weekend, whether due to business or finances or some other thing, but they made a point to go out and do something fun at least once a month. More often than not, if Gidel did a remarkable job in his coursework in the days prior to the outing, he had more sway in deciding what they all did. It was only fair - and it didn’t just happen when Gidel excelled in his classes, either. The kid was spoiled downright rotten sometimes! Fellow wouldn’t have it any other way. 

���I don’t know, another visit to that ice cream shoppe sounds awfully good.” Filis watched as Fellow sat the boy back on his feet, all whilst shooting her a teasing stare. “Before we even think about that though,” Filis reached into one of the brown grocery bags and pulled out a potato, “we need to cook tonight’s dinner.” Gidel nodded eagerly, right before he trotted over to the counter nearest the stove. He pulled over his stepping stool - while the boy had grown two inches since last year, he was still quite short - and stepped up to the cutting board Filis had abandoned. Filis mouthed to Fellow, “Please, help him.”

Fellow sent his lady love a small salute before stepping over to Gidel, helping hold the knife and carefully cut the rest of the carrot. Filis busied herself with emptying the three brown paper bags of their contents: potatoes, corn on the cob, broccoli (Fellow still refused to eat it, that child), a few packages of chicken, apples, bananas, blackberries and strawberries. Once the stew was boiling on the stove, Filis planned to prepare a fruit salad for dessert. As they all preferred, it would be dusted with sugar and drizzled with cream. Before Filis made a move to continue cooking, she watched Gidel and Fellow for a few more moments. They were very cute together, sometimes more like father and son than an older and younger brother. 

Under her breath, Filis recited to herself the very familiar words: “Why Should I Worry?” Filis did not have her lucky coin on her; it was still safe within its tiny padded box on her dresser. The coin was not required to use her unique magic - the beam of light could come from anything, even the tip of her finger. That soft blue stream of light appeared before her. Unlike many times before, it stopped only a few feet away. It disappeared right into the backs of Fellow and Gidel. Filis really never needed a reminder - she was right where she needed to be. 

Why should she worry? 

[controversial-blorbo-bracket]

Controversial Character Tournament Round 2: Jaiden from The DSCP, A 17776 Roleplay vs Rose Quartz from Steven Universe

(remember that these characters are fictional and your fellow tumblr users are real. i will block you if you harass others in the notes, please consider sending your unhinged harassment to my inbox instead)

Propaganda under the cut, may contain spoilers:

Jaiden:

HATE: - "OKAY SO. This is Jaiden. In a world thousands of years in the future where humans are immortal and spacecraft are beginning to wake up and become people on their own, Jaiden decides *she* wants to be the catalyst to wake one of them up. For years and years she tries and fails, until she finds CHIPsat, quietly shut down a while ago rather than decommissioned and.. well. taken out of the sky. CHIPsat isn't her first attempt at this, but they're her first *successful* one. She asks the newly-awakened satellite one thing: "Hey little buddy. How are you holding up?" The two are close friends for awhile, and I'm not about to spill ALL the details about EVERYTHING she did but let's just say: in a world where machines are literally people, hacking is NOT the most ethical skill ever. Jaiden's a BITCH nobody likes you jaiden (rusty if youre seeing this dont worry shes a VERY cool character. i just also want to crush her like a bug. hope this helps) also here's the image rusty used for the dani profile: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/783126743191519252/785258702188970014/unknown.png or the image rusty used for the jaiden profile: https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/783126743191519252/914301198994116619/1306309_f0CiRxGx-1.png"

Rose Quartz:

LOVE: - "She was the example in the intro post I'm so proud of her. <3 I saw this bracket and I was immediately like "rose quartz my favorite character rose quartz" and lo and behold I was Correct. "UwU space mom victim" is a little simplistic, she has the range. She haunts the narrative. She taught me how hiding yourself because you're afraid that people won't like who you really are leads to continued self-resentment and avoidance. Loving her teaches me that even if you did do something completely irredeemable, even if you did do something worthy of all that hate you hold for yourself, people can still see the entire you and decide to love you anyway. I think even the other diamonds are better-regarded than her, which... incredible pr stunt from them tbh. I don't dislike the other diamonds but come on they made no independent effort to change w/o Steven—there's literally no question in the "who's the better person" department. Of course the "who's the better character" department will always be incredibly subjective but she is so complex, and multi-facteted, she screws up so so much and yet somehow her biggest mistake of all might be her own self-degrading. "What an incredible power... the ability to grow up," said with such longing. Girl look at Jungle Moon, you really think you're still the same gem? You grew so much and you never saw it. She's so selfish and selfless and self-destructive all at the same time and it's captivating. I want to put her in a jar and study her like a bug." - "did she do a lot wrong? yes. do i think she had good intentions at heart but just majorly fucked it up? also yes" - "she has so much depth oh my god" - "look idk I just want to make sure she gets submitted to the bracket because you’re so right that she belongs here" - "Rose gets a lot of shit because we saw her character arc in reverse. The situation is very messy but it’s also very nuanced, and regardless on how the discourse hammer judges her, I will always love her." HATE: - "Yeah" - "Anti : I'm not one her biggest hater but I can't forgive her for what she did to Pearl, and the other crystal gems. I've read some interesting defenses of the character but I can't get past all the lying, leaving and (accidental) abusing." BOTH: - "Is there a proper way to say that I loved her for a while in the show, but the showrunners kept piling blame onto her with less and less justifiable and more and more abuse of power things (without including counterbalancing reminders of how much she loved the planet and helping people) and so I kind of. Love early Rose Quartz, the complicated war leader with a messy past that she's escaping from, but hate Pink Diamond?"

[mariacallous]

The good folks at the Know Your Enemy podcast (Matthew Sitman and Sam Adler-Bell) did a recent episode w/ Erik Baker called “Bomb Power,” named after the 2010 book by Garry Wills, Bomb Power: The Modern Presidency and the National Security State.

As someone who spent the first half of his career doing guns-and-bombs security studies, I can’t believe I hadn’t heard of this book before listening to the podcast.

Upon Google-Scholar-ing Bomb Power, I discovered it had 166 citations—very, very modest for an author as well-known as Wills. And scanning through who’s been citing it, I see mostly historians (not international-relations or strategic studies scholars). So I suppose my ignorance about the book is normal within my field.

But their discussion on the episode triggered me in a few ways, leading me to ponder what happened to the conservatives who support peace—that used to be a thing.

A “Don’t Break Things” Conservative

Wills’s politics don’t map well onto our current context.

He had ties to William F. Buckley and the National Review crowd. And his prolific writing often went after liberals, especially Kennedy (though his book Nixon Agonistes was a masterclass and did not spare Nixon of his critical prose).

But Wills recognized that power had a tendency to corrupt. That America itself had been guilty of great evils whose consequences it never repaired. And that if a preference for limited government meant anything at all, it meant a commitment to limiting the power of the national security state—there was no military exemption from the “limited government” mantra.

When I was finishing my PhD at the Catholic University of America (I enrolled there having no idea about its very conservative reputation), I studied under and socialized with conservatives like Wills. They mostly hated the Bush administration, generally thought the Iraq War was insane, and were critical of what had become the imperial presidency. (Before you romanticize them too much, they also hosted Brett Kavanaugh and Newt Gingrich at various times, they largely believed in civilizational (as in clash of civilizations) politics, and some of them seemed to think race science had merit…)

These days, it’s fairly common for people to claim they’re progressive while actually being center-right economic liberals with limited tolerance for anything redistributive. Wills cut in the opposite direction. As the Know Your Enemy guys talk about in the episode, Wills at times took up policy positions that we would think of as progressive, but he identified as a conservative. Why?

Aside from personal affection for the label, I suspect this has to do with his Burkean “don’t break things” sensibility, as well as the sense that 1) the common good is achievable within the nation-state itself, 2) the Founding Fathers had something to teach us and/or were extraordinary, and 3) the Constitution is a holy-adjacent document.

I think that perspective is intellectually unsatisfying and a political dead end. But YMMV.

The important thing is that folks who believe that stuff are folks you can work with sometimes. And if you’re in mortal danger, they’re the kind of American who just might help you out. More importantly, if any part of the right is recruitable into an antifascist coalition, it’s the “don’t break things” conservatives.

An Endangered Species

You can still find conservatives like Wills out there in American society. I know of one or two pundits who would fit this category of principled, preservationist conservatism. And, funnily enough, there are a lot of these types in New Zealand (a country with every type of conservative).

But in Washington, this species of conservative doesn’t exist. Not a single Republican official can claim fidelity to the Willsian template. To a man—and they’re mostly men—the electoral GOP has repudiated everything meaningful in the “don’t break things” tradition.

Talking Like a Peacenik

The remarkable thing about Wills’s Bomb Power is how much it reads like a leftist critical text. It would go too far to call Wills a historical materialist, but his implicit philosophy is not incompatible with it.

His invocation of the national security state—a term with which any Un-Diplomatic reader is by now very familiar—originated with Marcus Raskin, a co-founder of the Institute for Policy Studies (the first progressive think tank in Washington). IPS was and remains an expressly antimilitarist presence in Washington, and one of the few institutions there that can claim ties to the peace progressives who constitute what I think are the grassroots of the Democratic Party.

Wills’s reference to permanent war and the economy that supports it owes to Seymour Melman, a left-aligned peace intellectual who popularized (and possibly coined) “permanent war economy” through a series of books and essays that deserve a much wider reading.

And Wills’s claim that nuclear weapons are fundamentally tools of despotism that have permanently disempowered democracy is a pretty common view on the left going back to George Orwell’s classic essay, “You and the Atom Bomb” (which I still teach!).

What all this suggests is that Wills was a conservative who read widely. You might even say he was open-minded.

As such, he made analytical use of the criticisms against the powerful rendered by people with whom he likely disagreed. And he did so, at least partly, in the name of peace. Good luck finding someone like that in the Republican Party today.

[my-jokes-are-my-armour]

The witcher S3 volume 1

Oki this is my "detailed review" of S3 volume 1. Or should I say thoughts and comments.

Here is the short version so you can choose to step away : I really liked it.

Why do I feel like I need a shield ? Well, because out of my bubble here, the sound of the masses makes my opinion seems like an very unwanted one. It seems very important to dislike this season by all means.

As always I share mostly a gray opinion. Meaning : I have my feelings and within those, I say both what I find good or bad without shitting on everyone and everything. "I like this because... but... I don't like this because... but...". This are my basics. And I try to stay as neutral as possible in the way I say things.

But I won't lie, this time I have some difficulties because there is too much toxicity around and, what I thought was impossible, it finally affected me while watching the show in a very bad way. And for that I am angry. You can tell as I recently put an almost agressive rambling against some review.

I try to stay away from comments or reviews and stuff but sometimes I tiptoe into just just to see another reality. And although I found constructed things in the bad comments regarding S2 (even in BO), although this time this is more a game of pure destruction. And as much as I am angry, I will try not the play the same game that only lead to hatred. So I will try my best to illustrate what I am saying and not just throw feelings at your face.

To be clear also, I don't defend blindly the writers here, I am taking the final product as it is in my analysis.

Spoilers of S3 vol 1 under the cut. I won't speak about what would probably happen in vol 2 though. So if you have seen vol 1 but not read the book, this is safe.

First of all I will say it.

- No, the show doesn't follow stricto sensu the books but more in the S1 way. Though it has many scenes almost taken from the pages, or in the spirit of it.

- Yes, there are some plotline additions and more twisted ones but for me it helps building intrigues more than running to the opposite of characters from the books, giving more relief to some of them and link stuff that needs pages and pages to get through. So I don't see them in a bad eye.

My point of view.

The first sequence with Geralt, Ciri and Yennefer is an example. For me this corrects a lot of bad done during S2. It is not like in the books at all, even if it uses the "dear friend" letter as a trope, but it lands on a relation more in phase with the books. We have trust and tension. And Geralt and Yennefer reconnecting. Of course, this shouldn't had to be necessary at all in the first place but seeing their relation building up put a smile on my face.

My only complaint will be that we still just have glimpses of how magic works in this universe. In the books, Yennefer teaching Ciri magic is THE moment we learn the most of it. So just having crumps is frustrating me.

For Geralt, I had a great time with the fight sequences and the relationships he has with Ciri, Yennefer and Jaskier. The feeling is closer to the book version for me. And I have to say, I really liked the whole sequence in Anika's hut where he learns about his mother. This and the fact that he discovers the false Ciri and the experiments are a twist from the books but it connects a lot of further plotlines. Also when he learns that his mother has died and he has still ressentiment for abandoning him leads to a great emotional side of Geralt and builds the fact that this is the reason why he will never abandon Ciri in return, whatever the coast. And I was missing those kind of vulnerabilities in Geralt that were so nice to read on a "brute" stereotype. So it gives depth to the character. It was not what I was waiting for but I take it as well.

For Yennefer, I connected less with her this season but I loved the growth and the parallels with Ciri. She has learnt from her mistakes found her purpose. So while normally it's not her to prepare the conclave, from where she is coming from in S1 and S2, it is almost the only way to reconnects the dots. I really wish we didn't need this to repair everything, but all considering, it was OK. From her part I mostly liked the journey with Ciri to Aretuza and the humorous parts with Geralt.

For Ciri, I connected more with her this season. Like she finds herself more at ease in a witcher (male) version of her world. That speaks to me a lot. Although I gender myself as a woman my brain doesn't work usually like the "typical" woman. Or at least those I met in my life. I have the typical you are a "garçon manqué" (which I don't know how to translate in English) said about me very often. I was with more men during my student years and at work so learnt to navigate them more than groups of women. I was a bit like Ciri at Kaer Morhen. I have experienced the more frontal, direct approach of men vs the shady, smile in the front, stab in the back approach of women during conflicts, especially at work, too many times so I can relate to Ciri when she can't bare the company of the sorceresses, who are all facades. And I love what she learns from that, in the end.

For Jaskier, I am very pleased that the trauma of the torture was addressed and became a motive of certain "bad" decisions he made. He still has heart to protect those he loves and do what thinks is good for them. Which is basically what he does all the time in the books, especially in the Baptism of Fire, so we kind of see this trait ealier. I liked the honesty between him and Geralt and his relation with Ciri is heartwarming. Now the development of his love life is something I could talk all day (and I probably will later). The Radovid plot, I was nervous at first but I loved it because it has layers and some speaks to me a lot. Basically the whole plotline of Jaskier is a mixture of inventions and scenes from the books but it is coherent with the character in his whole and connects efficiently the dots from Redania politics to the found family.

In a way, I find the spy element of this Jaskier more grounded here than the one in the books, where it has like no explanation except "i am a patriot" 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Then, am I going to address the elephant in the room ? The pansexual Jaskier. Yes I am gonna do it, but I want to finish with the characters and the bits that I want to talk about first.

I liked the interactions between Philippa and Dijkstra which helps building the politics from Redanian side while enveiling progressively some leads to the final reveal of who is the bad guy. The only sequence that bothered me was the bdsm thing. Except to re-enforce the dominatrix trait of Philippa personality, it adds nothing more to what was shown before, except this face 😬 on me lol.

Speaking of the leads to the final revelation, I liked that this was made within different characters' journey, connecting the dots step by step. So sure it shifted some narratives but it was fluid and paced the whole thing without having big revealing time, except the whole episode 5 where they tried something in the structure, to make it more digest. But for me this is the episode I liked the least because of this artifice exactly. The loop was too repetitive in its first iteration and it made my attention drop seriously for the next part. But it was interesting on a technical point of view. They like to play with past and present a lot in this show and here it was well done as it was treated like a rendition of Geralt and Yennefer side of the event, confronting what they learnt from the people they talked to. And they mixed it with some "hot" moments, that I think may have pleased a lot of people.

Well, for me the complicity and complementarity was more rewarding but I don't see it as a bad thing. That echoes their relationship in the books but overall I am not very interested in that. The playfulness between them during the ball was more attractive to me. But I am aware that this is a very personal take of it as I tend to loose interest the more I see "love" scenes lol. The shorter, the better 😅.

For the other characters, I was not convinced by Fringilla plot, but I dug more into Cahir's whose faith is shifting badly.

The White Flame had little exposition but help filling the blanks a little bit for his story and I am surprised they are seemingly running down the hill of this incest plotline from the books. It will be certainly different, but the first hints are there.

On the brotherhood side, I don't have much to say for the moment. I think I will elaborate more after vol 2, especially on Vilgefortz. Just I note that Istredd connects some things with BO. This is very short and maybe confusing for those who having seen it but it makes sense within this version of the story. And I like that Stregobor that is set up to be disliked from the bigining is just a false thread to find the real bad guy.

From the elven side, I feel this is rushed. The jumps from S2 to S3 isn't hard to understand but the struggle connecting with Nilfgaard is due to the strange plotline of S2 again. Gallatin helps connected things together but it shouldn't have been so convoluted in the first place. Yet I understand where it leads later for Francesca.

I have like the use of certain minor characters like Aplegatt who had a running gag with the arrow until the futur Ciri foretold happened which leads to consequences we will see in vol 2. I didn't like the "professor" though who had the trash mob treatment. You recognise him and seconds later he is dead.

And I found Valdo Marx hilarious. His song his catchy and even if it is not subtle for the plot it gives a real rythme to the ball iterations.

This is pretty much my global thoughts on the volume 1.

Now what's in the books ?

Here is the resume of each chapter of Time of Contempt to the point it stopped for the show :

- Aplegatt is doing his job being the messages between kingdoms. He meets on the road Yennefer and Ciri who prophetised his death and more things. Geralt visits Codringher and Fenn to have informations about Rience. A lot of political stuff and schemes are discussed and bits of False Ciri. Aplegatt dies from an arrow.

- Yennefer and Ciri are in Gors Velen. Yennefer goes to the dwarven bank (politics politics schemes schemes). Ciri visits the city with Fabio and... kills the wyvern in the monster show. While she tries to escape she bumps into Tissaia and Margarita Laux-Antilles. Politics and schemes at the baths. Ciri flees to find Geralt. The wild hunt appears in the sky. Ciri rushes toward Geralt's position who is with Jaskier. Yennefer saves her. When reunited Geralt and Yennefer are arguing. Ciri watch from afar with Jaskier explaining they love each other.

- Jaskier babysits Ciri while Geralt and Yennefer go to the Thanedd ball. A lot of dialogs there that set up everyone's position. Hot scene between Geralt and Yennefer.

- In this chapter the only thing I can take is Codringher and Fenn killed and burned by Rience minion.

Well everything seems here, with changes of course, but I guess we covered it all. But there is more. So what's more that are in the books also.

Here is what is from The Last Wish incorporated in S3 (what I remember)

- Belleteyn

Here is what is from of Blood of Elves incorporated in S3 (what I remember)

- Shaerrawedd story, even if the set up is twisted.

- Geralt leaves Ciri with Yennefer so she can teach her magic while he is tracking Rience. The Dear Friend letter (but we know it is used differently) .

- Jaskier has some spy duties (the set up is entirely different). And some more politic stuff.

(The scene with Vespula is from The Sword of Destiny.)

So now, I know everything is twisted because they chose to tell the story differently. But all the bricks are here with some pretty close to the books moments and everything is set up almost properly for what's to come. That's the reason why I like this season and I don't find it outrageous.

My rambling.

Now... This is the part where I will be less tempered.

You may noticed that I have kept Radovid almost away from the equation. Well because... this is where I can loose myself because of the bad comments. Not just the ones on the divergence from the lore only. I includes what comes usually with it. The pan Jaskier and people of color kind of divergence from the lore comments.

Last week I lost my temper on a review using false book accuracy arguments to justify a rant about Jaskier been queer in the show. The person wrote incorrect things, stated them as truth, for their readers. So angry people could find examples of what was so wrong in the show using their anger to validate their lies blindly [x].

I don't go much to see the comments and the reviews because it hurts me most of the time. And I am someone open to critical stuff. But you know statistically if people were fair, I should find perfectly argumented rants about the show along with the blind rage ones. For S2 and BO it was the case.

Here, the vast majority of what I read are just "the show did wrong" without any argument. "They are not faithful to the source material" without any example. Some are openly racist or queerphobic. Some hide behind the things like the reviewer I was angry about.

I am sad to see an actress had to justify her portrail of her character because she doesn't look like what people expect, to say it politely, and because she made some artistic choices that are not european coded [x].

I have seen many comments with bollywood memes under the first twit of RI reporting that Anya chose to incorporate Indian dances moves to her magic. She wouldn't have said it, except for the battle in Shearrawedd, I am sure no-one would have noticed. And for those who are angry about those cultural inserts, please explain me what looks like a perfect european magic move. Show me then the problem in Anya's portrail.

I am sad to read bad things under the Valdo Marx extract, because the actor is black.

I am sad to read homophobic comments on Joey's insta (but extremely proud and moved by the Dear Hearts response to that).

And I am angry that people don't even try to understand what are the stories told. They are on a hate bulldozer and simply crush everything under.

Is the show perfect : NO ! Is the show deviating from the source material: YES ! I already said it. But this is still WAY closer than the former season (cf my preceding point).

I took time to say in my first point what I like and dislike, pointing purposely things that diverged from the books in their structure or narratives. And there is a lot as you can see, and I didn't say it all.

Maybe you miss Geralt hitting on many ladies, even while being officially with Yennefer, and hyperfixating on boobs sometimes (while they blinked politely at it in the show this time) ? The more classic family portrait adaptation doesn't hurt anyone's feelings apparently. Or that least THAT kind of divergence doesn't come front when it comes to book accuracy.

Why is it always the "race" and the queerness ? The real question is : where does the hypocrisy ends ?

The Radovid part and pretty much all of Jaskier's plotline this season are invented. It has anchors in the books in some scenes but, like the rest of the divergences, this plotline setup many things that are more a lot of dialogs in the books.

They use this Radovid and his relation with Jaskier to show the con games of Philippa and Dijkstra in a more easy way to absorb in a tvshow. But I guess you sure want 10 min straight of people throwing names and places you don't know about and learn about them 5h later. It is sure not easier to have the whole thing built slowly over the course of the 5h.

They also used Radovid to put some new layers on Jaskier with the romance. Those layers includes his pansexuality, sure, but there is more. Things that have been played but not said are out up front now. His extreme empathy that helps him read people. It is his superpower and his weekness. We see a more clever side to him too. We see him trying to navigate with Radovid to find solution for Rience and maybe safe conduit for Ciri. And this is a part of how he has now a place in the found family and how he connects with them, which was inexistant in both S1 and S2.

This is not just about sexuality. But apparently it overshadow everything else. So...

For those who found the kiss coming from nowhere, I invite you to listen and watch more carefully.

For those who found Jaskier too promiscuous this season, I remind you that Jaskier is known to have multiple affairs in the books, and this is mentioned in the show as well in S1, and teased in S2, so this is not new. This is just the first time it is shown clearly.

For those who simply cannot bare the view of two men kissing, just close your eyes, you have plethora of heterosexual book accurate relation in the next episode.

And you know what :

We know little about love. Love is like a pear. A pear is sweet and has a distinct shape. Try to define the shape of a pear.

Jaskier

[kipskiptrip]

when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) < 3 <3

Awwww, omg aww that's so sweetest omg omg

Uhmm five thing I like about myself? Ok

I'm a surviiivaaaahh 🎸🎵🎸🎵 No but I went through a lot in terms of medically and other stuff and while it's not a conversation I like talking abt casually the fact that I went thru that and I'm (mainly) normal like honestly I think that's really respectable. Even with my disabilities I still find ways to manage symptoms and find the positive in the darkness (even though I'm proud of being disabled it does fucking suck so the fact I'm not moping around and wallowing is a plus in my eyes)

As much as I have problems w my self appearance (transgender night terror) I still generally like how I look. I like my sense of style, and wish to express it more, but nevertheless I think I'm rocking the vibe. I may post more photos on here as well but for now, taking little selfies in the mirror is a form of self-love! I grew a lot with my relationship with my health and body, so to see the fruits of my love? God, it's beautiful and I still got a lot of ways to go! Exciting, yaaaay!

I like how intelligent I could be, idk I don't like seeming conceited but I consider myself an intellectual and I like analyzing the world. My no.1 wish aside from like World Peace and stuff is to know Everything. All the secrets of the universe, every personal detail, every possibility and impossibility and how to achieve them. My quest for knowledge is never satiated and I love to create new ideas and stories and such, and I often talk analytical biz with my greatest friends. Media literacy and comprehension and the ability to think and create beyond what is given to me my beloved. <3

I get a little silly w it! Honestly I'll never forget this tarot card reading I got saying to keep my childlike wonder alive and even if I've grown more mature, I think I still keep it in the small things, and I'll always try to keep that magic alive. I've been getting into forms of spirituality as well which I feel may help, not only in the religious aspect but also divination and ghosthunting! I like to be able to enrich myself in the beauty of the world, and just as much as I love knowledge, I love life as well. I want to be poetic and beautiful just like every life around me.

I like my different hobbies and skills that make up my personality! I looooove to contribute to my community with creating art like music, drawing, and writing. I love the fact that I can use my culture and my experiences to define who I am and express that in the things that I like, it helps to give back to the world that made me. To be able to play my trumpet or perform a little theatric is something that helps to showcase that energy and appreciation I host. Learning guitar keeps me up with my cultural background and my family history, even from far away. Drawing and writing stories keep me in tune with my origins, and teach me humble beginnings make good progress. Every part of what I like has meaning, and to have the chance to give it that meaning? Wow. Just wow. Like. Oh my God!

Aaand that's 5! I'll send out this message to others, but this time off of anon ;) Thank you for having me participate in this game!

[stars-tonight]

hi!! could i have a matchup? ur super cool for doing this, i know it means a lot to so many people. and i love ur writing too!

i want to be this emoji pls 🥭

long

romantic matchup pls

i use she/her pronouns and id like to be paired w a guy pls

my ideal partner is the perfect balance of serious and unserious, someone who’s quietly smart (like they don’t make it super known and won’t rub it in your face if you need help with something academic but also aren't like dense), and will indulge my odd interests and hyperfixations without judgement

i am 5’10” which is one of my favorite traits about myself

so i actually have no idea how to describe myself cause im scared of sounding vain but my friends have said: “witty, introspective, passionate, strategic” or “confident, loyal, hardworking” and idk which is more accurate to people around me, so im giving both

i’ve been playing field hockey and lacrosse since i was 11 as a defender for both. never had a knack for offense. wish I did though. (had a coach ruin lacrosse for me though so i’m going to quit though… love field hockey though)

i also love any form of media. classical lit, films (love psychological horror, letterboxd, and my amc subscription). anything i can find deeper philosophical meaning in is right up my alley. 

my love language for giving is physical touch. i love giving hugs, getting them is another story

receiving is definitely quality time and words of affirmation. i get a little nervous that people don’t actually like me so i really appreciate when people make time for me.

stargazing and a picnic. i study astrophysics in school and the amount of deep conversations i’ve gotten in while sitting with friends at night is astonishing. also will totally be judging to see if people let me rant about the constellations and philosophy of the universe.

here are my biggest pet peeves: slow walkers x1000, slow drivers, traffic, people who cancel plans last minute, really anything that wastes my time

you're so cool! thought u should know that in case you don't hear it enough <3 hugs

headcanons

🥛 i know we always focus on kuroo for that "docosahexaenoic acid" comment

🥛 but i believe in the manga yaku also made a chemistry comment

🥛 so he's definitely not dumb

🥛 and while kuroo would probably tease you first if you asked for help with homework or a project, yaku definitely wouldn't say anything

🥛 probably swears by flashcards as a study technique

🥛 hopefully you don't mind that he's shorter than you lol

🥛 he probably wouldn't mind since it's not like he's insecure about his height

🥛 but he WILL get made fun of

🥛 especially by kuroo

🥛 and especially if you wear heels

🥛 yaku would definitely be attracted to your confidence and work ethic

🥛 he's also very strategic and passionate (especially when it comes to volleyball) so you have that in common

🥛 he also strikes me as a bit of a media lover

🥛 so you'd definitely spend a lot of time watching movies or reading books

🥛 i don't think he's a horror or psychological guy though

🥛 more like . . . documentary

🥛 or science / historical fiction

🥛 also strikes me as the type of guy to lowkey get road rage

🥛 he feels very no-nonsense, especially post-timeskip, so he'd also hate people who waste time

🥛 man is loaded with money and is determined to keep making it

🥛 so he tends to live life at a fast pace and doesn't always make time for the small things

🥛 he'll definitely appreciate it if you hold a deep conversation with him or teach him a bit about astrology

🥛 he's never given much thought to the stars before but once he looks at them closer he realizes they're pretty cool

🥛 will definitely walk away from a stargazing date with a new worldview and a higher level of appreciation for you

🥛 even though yaku is very busy, you can tell he really appreciates you because he always makes time for you

🥛 he's definitely not clingy so it's perfectly fine if you don't want to be hugged or cuddled all the time!

🥛 however he'll never turn you down if you want to hug him

🥛 actually sees it as cute that you trust him enough to want to hug him

runner up for you was sugawara kōshi!

A/N: there you go 🥭anon, i hope you like it! and thank you for the compliment, you're so sweet!

[bandofchimeras]

okay a longish deepdive about PDs & Succession.

CONTAINS SPOILERS

some people leave no space for curiosity. no interest in other's inner worlds and constant projections of self into quieter people's energetic life, leaves those other people exhausted and unable to develop a real desire to get to know more.

I can be like this, at my most defensive and manic.

But being around other people like this for years has worked like sandpaper on me. Because if you both project yourselves at the other person with the same intensity the friction starts to escalate. Or you build on one another until sometimes you start sharing a psychosis. So to keep the peace you can try to be agreeable, validating, and listen as much as you can.

However soon the whole thing drains you and you realize you're being talked at, performed for, that this is not a relationship of equals, you have become an audience to the self-performance of this person, and your criticism or praise is largely irrelevant except insofar as they take it as helpful feedback for self development.

I do suppose this is the kind of person you could describe as a narcissist. But understanding the wounds, anxiety and beliefs at the core of this problem from having been In It for a long time, I don't feel like that label does justice to what is happening in relationship. Personality disorders exist mostly in the presence of other people. In early remission, people with BPD will share in forums how they feel okay now, so long as they are alone. other people trigger the defensive formations of the self that comprise the "disorder."

People who do this often are highly anxious and traumatized. The fear at the core of it is somatic. It is fear of being erased, silenced, destroyed, or fear of one's own power, of the shadow...many things but what runs the whole thing is fear, paranoia, distrust.

That's what struck me most about forums for people w NPD. most threads were talking about trust, of God, of the universe, of other people. The lack of it.

I think the pathologization of these personality formations has had net negative results but also aided us all in understanding a bit more how not to get lost in sick people's dreams and control.

Narcissism & personality disorders aren't scary crazy unreal spectacle things all the time. They're human suffering from spiritual misunderstanding and emotional damage or neglect. In fact I think entitled narcissism comes from neglect of emotional guidance (teaching limits, boundaries, respect, fairness) and wounded/defensive narcissism comes from abuse (berating, controlling, wounding child's self image, emotional manipulation, etc). And so they manifest a bit differently.

But I digress - because narcissistic people aren't just fun blorbo bugs to study under a microscope. A lot of people who do good in the world are still impossible to get to know and love on an intimate level out of glitches and destruction in the formation of their person good.

Succession, as a show, handles the interlinking clusterfuck of dysfunctionality that leads to these disorders by putting the characters psychosexual motivations on full display - it's one of the best written shows I've encountered yet, for character studies. I joked that I was "downloading Roman Roy's personality to become insufferable."

In particular his form of psychopathy compelled me the most because he clearly understands more than many people around him, he's just abnegated his own power to the point he is essentially neutered, castrated, helpless before the will of his father or the almighty dollar. However he still pays attention sometimes, listens. Unlike Kendall's manic depressive swinging that passes through reality entirely into constructed ideas of who he could be and what he could do, Roman knows what they are, what he is, even though he hates himself, and does not actually care about the harm the family causes....or does he? In some way he copes with extreme guilt.

The thing about Kendall that's tragic is he does, sometimes, try so hard. But he's trying. He never does it, not really. He doesn't connect with the lower class people he hangs out with. He thinks he does. But he never stops to check in, to really listen.

That's why he becomes most like his father in the megalomania, the abusive manipulation, the paranoia, the entitlement. He never gets checked all the way. Until, *SPOILER ALERT*

his siblings do it. What a poetic resolve.

My point is, studying the blorbos of the Roy family et al provided me some real insight into my own dysfunctional family, people I know and attract into my life, and gave me much food for thought about yes men, complicity and what it means to have a spine.

Yes men win, in the end, but they have to sell their souls so completely you can almost watch the personhood leave their eyes.

A refusal to intervene or accept responsibility for choices...what the Roy siblings demonstrate over and over no matter how many times they try to make things work, is what happens when the fundamental core of a person is neglected and trampled on. They refuse to take responsibility for themselves, their own personhood and choices.

Kendall blames systems and his family. He ignores his own obligations and failings by trying to take down or own the family legacy. He's a mercenary, out for hire. He wants to care but does not have the mechanism of accountability installed in him. He hides his crimes like a child hiding an ice cream spoon from a controlling parent (and God do I relate).

Roman blames himself, or no one. For him it's all a tragedy and a farce, he is the sharp tongued commentator. He gets what he wants no matter what other people say or do, or tries to. His awareness of how little self respect he carries himself with is...questionable.

Shiv does not show who she blames. She plays as if she is smarter than she is, because she wants respect from men who will never, ever, give it to her. She thinks she can get it. Or tolerate enough to get something. Shiv almost gets it but her controlling and undermining of her brothers is a very older sister undoing. She tries to square with people, her father, Matsson, even Tom. But because she is lying to herself and everyone about what she wants, nothing ever sticks.

Connor gets it right on the nose calling all his siblings love hungry. He knows, he says himself he has learned to survive without love. He knows he and his family are pathetic. He still puts on a show. Maybe he half believes his own show. He fakes everything to the and demonstrate his worth but under that knows it's a lie. Willa, presidency, all of it is a show to get people in his camp, to scrape up some kind of approval in lieu of genuine affection. As his outburst and praise at the gala demonstrates, whether or not he wants anything to do with you depends on your performance/to him/.

It's all ratings, baby, especially for the males of the Roy family. For the women it's proximity to power.

Anyways Kendall does call his father out as a grandoise psychopathic narcissist so there's that. But my point is that personality disorders are disorders of relationship, and individualizing Logan Roy's particular "pathogen" as Gerri calls it, distracts from the larger picture, the picture*SPOILER* Ewan tries at the funeral to convey with grace:

"my brother brought out a meanness in men."

The meanness is already there, in all of us. Ewan admits it's in him, too, but he still tries. Some people stop trying.

That part hit me hard. Because I think over the show you can track when Kendall stops trying. He almost gets it, that "the poison drips down" - it's not trickle down economics, it's a IV drip of toxins being fed into the veins of ATN viewers.

My thesis here is not very mindblowing: American political culture disorders our personalities. It is built off personality disorders.

No one in this show or in it's real life counterparts, are really happy. The only happy moments we see with the Roys...maybe "a meal fit for a king"? Goofing around together. Even in that, they are still being cruel, but their target is a shared outer target.

I loved those scenes, brief as they were, where the siblings were a united front against the big bad world, with their plans and their cool sunglasses and planes - you almost root for them. Almost. And then - the truth breaks it all to pieces, again.

The truth of who they are: not serious people.

Serious people, they think, watching their father do shit, do shit. Serious people own stuff and lord it over others. They don't remember the work their father did put in, the soul he sacrificed, to get to the top, they don't connect the dots of all the people working for them silently in the background at all times, how those people make the world go round, even if they feel like THEY do.

Being a serious person, finding joy, is accessible to every human being in the right context - the context to discover a purpose, a love, a passion - to stop merely taking and believe something good can come out of your self. The show is a tragedy not because wahhh poor rich people, it's a tragedy because it reflects a deep contortion in our own shredded social fabric.

I could say so much more but I have to go pack and make a tart and do laundry. If you read this to the end, thanks for stickin with it!

[faithintheunknownsblog]

A/N: I’m sorry for those who read the original already because nearly all of this is exactly the same as before. I’ve only changed it to where it’s no longer connected to canon and Alucard is a human. Once again I’m so sorry for doing this, it won’t happen again. It’s only chapter one and two

Chapter Summary: Your first day of college and it turns out you met your teacher without even realizing it.

TW: Mentions of homophobia, stripping, home sickness, drug dealing

Master List

Red Ink

Chapter One: An Early Morning Call

“Shit! Sorry!” You crash into a tall and skinny man but don’t stop to help him pick up the papers you made him drop by accident. You would help him but you’re already going to be late to work, so there is no time to stop. The packaging company you work at during the day is a few blocks away from the library that you’re currently leaving.

Alucard has no time to respond because you’re already out of the door and running down the street. He scowls and bends over to pick up the papers that were now scattered on the floor, grumbling about how disrespectful today’s youth is.

When Alucard got the last paper up he noticed a plastic card on the floor by the leg of the chair you were sitting in. When he picked it up he saw it was your Student ID for the nearby university, the very expensive university that you need higher than a 4.2 GPA to get into. Along with a good amount of tuition money as well. England had become like the United States, charging an arm and a leg for college, especially the university you’re going to.

The university that he just so happens to teaches advanced history in, what a coincidence.

The school year hasn’t started back up just yet, but Alucard wonders why you- an almost twenty six year old woman- are going to an expensive college that’s filled with children pretending to be adults. “Peculiar,” he says to himself quietly and gives your card to the librarian, suspecting that you’ll be back for it later.

=======

You walk into a small auditorium, and sit down in the second row so you can pay better attention than you could in the back. If you were in the back- or even the middle row- you’d fall asleep without a doubt, no matter how hard you’d fight it.

You might work at a packaging company during the day, but at night you went out of state to work at a strip club. Well, you did work at the packaging company before school started back up. Now you only work at the club since you got more money out of stripping than you did packing. Only problem with working at the strip club is that you use a lot more energy with a lot less sleep as a stripper. Not that you like sleeping all that much anyway.

But at least you’re able to live on campus, meaning you no longer have to spend all your money on an apartment like you did before. You’ll be able to save up now and get a better start when you graduate.

Alucard has a slight frown because he doesn’t want to be here, he doesn’t want to deal with spoiled, bratty teenagers that got here because of their parents' money and not because of hard work. He takes his jacket off and sets it on his desk with a sigh, “good morning everyone and-“ when Alucard looks up he recognizes you and his voice becomes just a tad bit more lively, “-welcome to Advanced European History. I’m Professor Tepes, and I will be addressed as such.”

You watch Alucard walk from behind his desk to the front of it, then you realize that he was the man you crashed into when you went rushing out of the library last week. You mentally facepalm, of course that’s just your luck, maybe if you don’t mention it he won’t.

Right…?

Wrong.

Alucard didn’t make any kind of comment the whole class, so you thought you were safe. Just in case you still packed your stuff up before the bell rings, so when it was time to go you could just hurry and leave. But since you sat in the front you’re the farthest from the door, and going to be one of the last ones out. Alucard chuckles when you’re stuck at the end because when he saw you packing your bag up early he realized what you were doing.

“Make sure not to drop anything!” Alucard says, making it seem like he was addressing everyone. But he was messing with you and you know it, that’s why you stopped dead in your tracks. You keep you back to him and feel your face burn with embarrassment, wishing everyone would get out of the door faster.

Alucard smirks upon hearing your heartbeat spike with anxiety because of him. You would make such a fine plaything if Alucard was a lesser man, like he was back in his college days. But now that he’s grown up he wouldn’t dare to, he must remain professional and not toy with your psyche as he would if you two would have met when he was the same age as you.

=======

The day went on rather quickly.

You’re outside eating your lunch. Well more of your food is getting cold because you’re falling asleep while reading. You need to eat, but you also need sleep, but you also love the book too much to put it down. You close your eyes to ‘rest’ them for a moment, feeling the sun’s warmth on your skin. It’s so soothing, relaxing, and…

You startle yourself when the book hits the table with a thud because it slipped out of your hand. You look around and are happy to see that it’s not time to go yet. Looking at your lunch, you decide it’s better to eat now and put the book away, eating rather quickly because the longer you eat the less time you have to take a quick lunch time nap.

Which is exactly what you do after you’re done eating, laying your head down and drifting into sleep for a few minutes before the bell rings.

Your dreams are so vivid, even though your eyes are closed for such a frugal amount of time. But those minutes feel like hours as you dream of living in a house upon a hill, snuggled up in a cozy blanket while reading your favorite book.

It seems perfect, yet something is missing, not only in your dreams; it’s missing in your life and everywhere you are. Something is always missing, but you have no clue what it is.

The bell rings and you wake up, immediately going to class after you threw out your trash. Just a few more classes then you could go to your dorm, study a bit, take a nap, then go to work.

And that’s what you did. Gain knowledge during the day and shed your dignity at night.

=======

You come back to your dorm at 4 AM after having a rather successful night, making €5000 at the club. Since you get changed at the club you can just go straight to bed, exhaustedly flopping onto your bed.

The plan was to sleep until your 8 AM class, but you get a facetime call at 6:15 from one of your little brothers.

You’re the second oldest at twenty six, but your older brother Steven passed away, he would be thirty five. Then there is Peter who is eighteen, Marie and Jackson are twins and seventeen, Andrew is fifteen, Phoebe is fourteen, Dylan is twelve, Matthew is eleven, Allison and Paul are another set of twins and they’re eight, Samuel is five, and Destiny is three.

Part of the reason why you waited so long to go to university is because you wanted to make sure they would be fine without you.

“Andrew, what do you want you wanker?” You ask him tiredly, they never call you this early. He rarely calls you in general because your guy’s relationship became strained over the years but you’re unsure of why.

“Well some cunt forgot to Skype before Sammy’s bedtime last night, so he woke up asking me to call you before we left for school.” Andrew said in an annoyed tone, he really isn’t a morning person.

You mentally curse yourself for not remembering to Skype them. Today is Samuel’s first day of nursery school, he is a year behind due to him being deaf and having a speech impediment. You were supposed to call last night to give him a pep talk and totally forgot. If it wasn’t for him waking up early you wouldn’t have gotten the chance. “Fuck, I totally forgot- let me get my computer.”

“I’m going to be late because of you,” Andrew growls as he waits for you to join the call. He had the computer setup since last night because he expected this to happen.

“Shut up,” you snap back and join the call. You see a happy Samuel staring at the camera. You sign to him ‘Good morning’

‘Good morning’ Samuel signs back.

You notice how he doesn’t have his hearing aids in, ‘where are your ears?’

Samuel refers to his hearing aids as his ears, which you think is absolutely adorable.

“Mom and Dad haven’t gotten them fixed yet,” Andrew says from the background. It’s been months and they’ve had plenty of opportunities to do it.

“Of fucking course not,” you say aggressively. But you know you should have expected them not to be fixed. You look back to Samuel and sign, ‘are you excited for school?’

‘Yes’ Samuel signs back with a huge smile. ‘Can you take me?’

‘Sorry baby, but I got school,’ you sign back. You hate that you can’t be there for these milestones, but you couldn’t wait any longer to go back to school. You look at the clock and see that you should start getting ready since it’s almost 6:50, ‘I have to go but I will be thinking about you. I hope you have a good day buddy.’

‘When are you coming back home?’ Samuel asks every time you call, he misses you so much and hates how he can’t see you in person anymore.

‘I don’t know, school is really hard and I have to work a lot,’ seeing the look of sadness cross his face breaks your heart. Before you got into college you had an apartment that was a block away. Now you’re three and a half hours away from them, so you can’t visit often with your schedule.

‘Okay,’ Samuel signs back with a small frown.

Andrew taps Samuel on the shoulder and signs to him that it’s time to go. So you do your goodbyes and hang up. You were unable to keep from crying because of how home sick you are, but you tell yourself that you don’t have time for that. You get up and get ready for your day.

You were going to get a shower but one of your roommates stumbled in at the last minute, reeking of booze and about to throw up. So you let her have the bathroom, you just use some dry shampoo and a bit of perfume to try to mask any possible smell. You also cover up your scar that's down your left cheek. Then grab a few Monster Energy for your breakfast and head to class early because you have nowhere else to run off to.

You arrive at your 8 AM advanced history class at 7:15, and you aren’t sure if you’re lucky or not that Alucard already opened the doors to the auditorium. Now you won’t have to sit out in the hallway, but now you're alone in this huge room with a professor that decided it was funny to tease you yesterday.

Alucard was at his desk acting as if he didn’t notice you when you entered his room and sat down. But he could tell at least someone was coming as soon as you neared his classroom from the echoes of your footsteps bouncing off the walls of the empty hallway. Nobody besides teachers are in the hallways this early, and Alucard knows all their walking patterns.

You were breathing out of your mouth because your nose is still stuffy from crying, which you hope nobody will notice. You also pray that Alucard won’t say anything about you being early to class. Sitting down in the seat you had yesterday, you pull out your laptop along with the textbook for his class. Immediately you bury yourself into your work, looking at what needs to be done for his course and beginning to read the chapters needed for the first essay because you know you’re going to take forever to write it.

Alucard watches you from behind his book seeing the reminiscence of sadness from how red and puffy your face is. He wonders why you were crying and is impressed by how you’re working through whatever it is making you cry. Since Alucard’s original major was psychology he knows a few things when it comes to reading people just by what he sees. He assumes that your crying is over something that is driving you to graduate, that’s why your work ethic is so strong even though you’re upset.

You are completely oblivious to Alucard currently reading you like a book because you're too focused on already setting up skeleton notes for the essay. He was going to assign it by next class anyway, so if you had anything set up wrong you would tweak it when it came around anyway. Might as well start it with the possibility that you’ll get it right, but if it was wrong it didn’t matter because you were studying in the process.

It wasn’t long until other students started to make their way to the room, and once the bell rang you stopped working on the essay. Pulling out a pen and notepad you take written notes for class because it was easier for you that way.

When Alucard teaches he does it as if he’s the narrator of a play, painting as vivid of a scene as he is able to. You appreciate that because now he has you hooked on every word, and you don’t want it to end. It was so different from how he was yesterday, he was so monotone when he was explaining the syllabus and grading criteria. This time when the lesson ends he’s left you wanting more.

You no longer dread the idea of coming to his class everyday if his classes are going to be this awesome.

=======

Once you’re all done with today's classes you go back to your dorm like usual. But instead of getting ready for work you call out and get ready to surprise your baby brother Samuel instead, by picking him up from nursery school.

That’s one of the best things about the nursery school you have him in is that it also doubles as a daycare, staying open until 7 pm. Which gives you just barely enough time to make it there to pick him up.

You already called Peter to let him know you’re going to pick Samuel up, but you want it to be a surprise to everyone else that you’re coming home for the evening. So he’s going to have to act like he’s going to be the one to pick Sam up.

You make sure to hide any and all evidence of what you do for work in your trunk and then leave to go pick up your baby brother.

And he was excited to see his favorite big sister, running to you when he realizes you are the one picking him up. You get on one knee and Samuel nearly knocks you over with how hard he runs into you with the hug. He holds onto you tight, and you embrace him in a long hug.

When Samuel finally lets go he signs, ‘I missed you.’

‘I missed you too,’ you look at the little cubbies then back to him. ‘Let’s grab your stuff, which one is yours?’

‘Over here,’ Samuel rushes over to his cubby and you follow. He grabs his bag and puts it on, forgetting his jacket.

You grab his jacket and hold it out to him with a disapproving look. After he takes it you sign, ‘you know your jacket goes on first, bud.’

‘I’m not cold,’ Samuel gives you a pleading look but when he sees your unwavering demeanor he takes his bag off and hands it to you.

You take his bag and he puts his jacket on, when he’s done you sign, ‘I don’t want you to get sick.’

Samuel’s teacher approaches you, “are you his mother?”

“Oh, no, I’m his older sister,” you pull out your ID and hand it to her. You can’t blame her for thinking Samuel was your son, all of your siblings look like each other but only you and Sammy look the same. “Peter should have called and told you I was picking Sammy up.”

“He did, but when I saw how similar you and Samuel look I thought you were his mother,” The teacher chuckled and handed your ID back. She seems like she’s a good teacher, so you have hope for her but you also know looks can be deceiving. Plus you’ve learned at a very young age that people put on the façade to hide their truly cruel intentions.

“Awe, thank you!” You say with a smile and Samuel tugs on your sleeve. When you look down you can see that he was eager to go because he’s excited, so you nod and look back at his teacher. You kindly say, “I’d love to talk but I’m only in town for a few hours and I’d like to surprise the rest of my family! Did Peter leave Sammy’s booster seat?”

“Yes, let me grab it for you!” The teacher goes to what you assume is an office and comes back out with Samuel’s booster seat that he was too big for now.

You frown when you take it, saying under your breath, “guess ma and pop have yet to get him a seat too.”

You look back at Samuel and sign, ‘are you ready to go?’

Samuel nods and you two say goodbye to the teacher before leaving. Though you don’t like putting him in a booster seat that is too small for him, you refuse to risk it. So you put him in it and make sure he’s buckled up, then take Samuel home.

=======

You get back to your childhood home and you're relieved to see that your parents aren’t home. You expected them not to be but you weren’t sure since you haven’t been home in awhile. You park along the street and get out. When you take Samuel out you carry him on your hip up to the door, frowning when you notice that your key no longer works. Your parents really weren’t lying when they said they were going to change the locks once you were out.

They weren’t too happy with you when you left to live on your own because that meant no one was going to take care of their kids for them anymore. But little did they know- or realize- that even after you moved out you still take care of your siblings. Your parents are just never around to see it because they’re too busy being out to get drunk or high or both. Plus all you siblings promised to keep it secret because your parents would be furious if they knew.

Your knock is answered by Marie, who was currently in the middle of bleaching her hair. Her nose ring and gauges were currently purple so you decide to take a wild guess of what hair color she’s going to have, “we going… I want to say… Midnight?”

Marie grins, opening the door wider to let you and Samuel in, “right on the dot.”

“I still got it,” you smirk and walk in, setting Samuel down. He doesn’t leave your side though because now that you’re here he wants nothing to do with anyone else. “Where’s the rest of the heathens?”

“Andrew is doing whatever he does in his room. Jackson, Dylan, Matthew, and Allison are playing video games. Phoebe is playing legos, then Destiny and Paul are helping me with my hair.” Marie says and grabs the tinfoil out of the kitchen, then heads upstairs. “Julia and Rachel are here too.”

Rachel is Julia’s little sister, and Julia is Marie’s girlfriend. That’s also another thing that’s kept secret among your siblings because your parents are extremely homophobic. It would have rubbed off on all of the kids if it wasn’t for you being the one to basically raise them. You were never a hateful person so making you homophobic didn’t work very well, and only your siblings along with Julia’s family know Marie is a lesbian and are more than happy to support her.

“Mom and Pop still oblivious that you and her scissor more than each other’s hair?” You tease Marie and she just chuckles, she’s a lewd minded person so it doesn’t bother her.

She can quickly clap back with her answers too, “are you jealous that I’m still leaving at home and still manage to get more action than you?”

You scoff because you don’t have a response which makes you and Marie laugh, and upon hearing your laugh every single one of your siblings rush to the hallway to see you.

All of them besides Andrew rush over to hug you. Andrew is the type to act like he’s too good for emotions, especially since Rachel is here because he has the biggest crush on her and even though you’d love to pick on him for it- especially when Rachel is around and can’t hear it- you don’t. Besides, everyone else does it enough for you anyway.

“I missed all of you so much!” You say happily as you hug them individually. Including Rachel and Julia because they’ve become just like family to you over the years.

“How long are you staying for?” Phoebe asks after you give her a hug.

“I can only stay for a few hours,” you respond. “Long enough for dinner then I have to head back.”

“What’s for dinner?” Paul asks.

“Peter said he’ll pick up some Chinese food, and he should be here any minute.” You tell them and just like that you all hear a car door then the front door opens.

“I got dinner!” Peter yells from down stairs and you nearly get trampled. Andrew and you are the only ones left up stairs. He’s glaring daggers at you.

“What?” You ask him.

“I was almost late because of you forgetting to call last night,” Andrew growls.

“Does that mean I‘m not going to get my hug?” You ask, not taking his anger seriously because he’s alway grumpy toward everyone. But more specifically you.

You think nothing of it.

What you don’t know is that Andrew has a sense of abandonment because of you. He has always had issues with making friends, and you were the person he was closest to. But when Samuel was born most of your attention went to him and Andrew felt alone again. It got even worse after you left because now your calls mainly focus on Samuel. That’s why Andrew is so angry with you all the time, and his resentment for Samuel is ever growing.

When Andrew pushes past you to get down the stairs, you just sigh in defeat and follow. You just follow and give Peter a hug when you see him, “thank you for letting them know I was getting Sammy.”

Peter hugs you back, “no problem sis, you got his booster seat, right?”

“Yeah, lemme go grab it,” you say and head out to your car. You grab Samuel’s seat, but you also grab 500€ from your money in the trunk. When you walk back in and see everyone is already seated you pull Peter to the side and hand the booster seat with the money on top of it to him. His eyes go wide when he sees the money and you say in a low voice, “get him a new seat.”

“I can’t take this from you,” Peter says quietly.

“Peter I’m not arguing with you, if Samuel needs a new seat I know Destiny does too. Get Sammy a new one and she can have the one he has now.” You weren’t going to let him tell you no because this was a matter of keeping your family safe.

“Where did you even get this from? Are you back to dealing?” Peter asks and you want to slap him. You and Steven both were dealing when you were kids, but after Steven got killed supposedly in a car accident you stopped. You saw the photos of the accident- that’s why you’re so worried about them being safe in a car- but you also have a feeling that there was more to the story.

“Peter, I am old enough to have a job that pays well now, remember I’m working at the packaging company?” That was your cover up, you didn’t want them to know you were a stripper.

“Fine, I believe you.” Peter was lying, but he had no choice but to trust you. He put the money in his pocket and set Samuel’s booster seat by the door.

“Also, where are Sammy’s hearing aids?” You ask. There’s a regular at the strip club who’s an engineer, you’re thinking about asking him to fix them.

“I don’t know,” Peter says with a shrug. “I hate to say it, but do you think they’d put them in the junk drawer?”

“I wouldn’t put it past them,” you say in annoyance and when you check that’s exactly where they are. “Of course… But it’s whatever, time to eat!” You pocket the hearing aids and sit at the table with everyone.

You have a really nice night, everyone filling you in on how their lives are going and also reminiscing on the past times. It’s like nothing changed for you and you’re happy that you get to spend just this little bit of time with them.

But time does fly when you’re having fun, and it seems like in a blink of the eye you have to say your goodbyes. Everyone is sad to see you go, and you’re sad you have to leave them all once again.

“I’ll try to visit more! I promise!” You say and also sign as well so you can tell them all at once. You give parting hugs and farewell kisses on the cheek before leaving once again.

It’s hard not to cry on your way back home, you know it’s not forever but it sure as Hell feels like it. You also remember that you’re doing all of this so you’ll be able to be that family back bone. You’re doing this so you can once again be the big sister they can all count on again without them having to worry about you getting killed in the process.

It’s a relief that some of them are able to work now, but you still hate the fact that they have to struggle. Why can’t your mom and dad be decent human beings that care about their kids?

This shit absolutely sucks and you hate the world for putting you in this predicament. But all you can do is take a deep breath and keep fighting. You have already walked through Hell barefooted and with a smile, so things can only get better from here on out.

[billihill]

Get it off my chest, I guess

TW: mentions of depression, anxiety, suicide  Good day or night for everyone! If you guys know me, I am just another fan account for multiple fandoms, my name here on Tumblr is BilliHill and my pronouns are She/They. I write fanfiction, even though I haven’t written in months, usually for the everlark fandom (love them). But this ain’t about what I really wanted to write. I am a teacher. I teach English as Second Language in Brazil. That’s what I have been saying for three years so far.

I was correct, indeed.

I am an English teacher. However, the first time it really sunk in was, in fact, today. I started giving classes in the beginning of 2020, before the COVID-19 pandemic was in fact declared as a danger to society, so I didn’t really much experience “in class” and soon had to move to online classes. I made a bit of money that was used mainly for my Flight Attendent classes (that was my dream back then). Flash-forward I got my first real job as a simple secretary in a small company that a person of my blood knew one of the directors. I still maintained my online classes with the few on and off students I had. This happened in 2021. I worked and studied my ass off for my Flight Attendent course, but in the end, it was a “waste” of time, since all my efforts had gone to the trash, along with my dreams (I can tell that story in another time). The job I mentioned earlier was good, but my mental health was decaying. I’ve struggled with depression and generalized anxiety since I was about 10 and at 15, a week before my 16th birthday, I attempted suicide. It was hard, so hard, but I started going to therapy, took my meds. Everything was fine.  Until 2022. The meds weren’t working anymore, therapy was not what I was looking for and along with the news that I couldn’t be a Flight Attendent (at least for a while) broke me. I chose not to go to uni or college because of my dream and now I couldn’t be what I was dreaming to be since I got in High School. All my friends were in unis and colleges (or studying to be accepted in one) and I felt as if my life was stagnant and dull. I couldn’t see a future anymore.  2022 was not, in fact, all bad. It was in 2022 that I met and started dating my now girlfriend. Our families were totally fine with our relationship and her family helped A LOT with what I was going through that year. I love my girlfriend more than she could ever imagine. I wanted future with her then and I still want it. 2023 came and I left my job. I couldn’t take it anymore. That place was terrible, the people (expect some) were terrible and I was falling into that abyss again. I needed time for myself. I am better now; still adjusting my meds and all, but things seems to be much better than it once was. 

All of this was just the context. This text, however, is about being a teacher in Brazil. Teachers here are paid per hour, like in the US. One hour is basically 1 class, so it leaves us teachers nothing but getting an enormous amount of classes (more than we can physically and psychologically) to be able to live because we, teachers, do not have a fixed wage. It’s per hour, as I said before. Inflation made everything WORSE. I started to study in a private university (because I’m too dumb for a public one) in a course I never knew I’d like (and still don’t really know since it’s only the beginning of the semester). I got a scholarship that is basically a discount of the full fee (and a good one, actually) and things seemed to be going smoothly, correct? 

Kind of. 

I finally got a job in a small school of languages that is, guess what? In another town! It takes me almost 4 hours of train and bus to get to the school (round trip). It pays me almost the same price my private classes (a teeny bit more). I worked for 11 hours this month in total (we have HUGE celebration called Carnaval that took 1 week off the calendar and the classes had only began a week before the celebration. In my calculations, I would receive at least enough to pay the university monthly fee.  Gods, I was so fucking wrong. I was paid 1/3 of what I was expecting and that broke me. Not only because I cannot pay this month’s fee by myself (that is a pain in the ass, not gonna lie), but specially because that is the reality of the teachers here. So underpaid and overworked. Taking hours in public transportations, where you’ll have to endure standing up the whole course + standing up while teaching. It ain’t easy and it could be so so much worse. I still live with my mother, so no rent to be stressed about. We are able to eat everyday. We have internet. We ARE privileged in a way that most middle class people aren’t (even though I firmly believe that those mentioned earlier should NEVER be a privileged, but a right just as it says in the law.

I am, in many ways, tired. So so tired. I don’t know how I’ll be able to study and work without draining myself but then I remember it could be worse. It can always be worse. Maybe I am making a storm in a teacup, but I cannot help that’s what I feel. I can’t pay for therapy or my meds; I can’t pay the uni even with all the money I get (mostly because of my reckless behaviour with credit cards that I won’t be able to pay for now; I recognize that, even though I only spent that money because I thought I was going to be paid more); I can’t pay for my cats’ food, litter and vaxxes.  I am becoming what I’ve always feared. A burden.

Guess that’s life, correct? 

- BilliHill

[girlpog-productions]

Heyo! I wrote down some headcannons for the gang a while ago and decided I should post them! This post is long as balls so it’s all under the cut lol

June

* Currently studying to get her PHD in chemistry.

* Captain of her university’s softball team, but despite her Star-power they have not won a game.

* Knows how skateboard but can’t do tricks (Carrie’s trying to teach her though).

Angie

* Works as a counselor at a high school.

* She can switch out of her werewolf-vampire form at will because it’s effectively a magical girl transformation. This makes her immune to sunlight in both forms, but she can never eat garlic or chocolate again. She is very upset about this.

Molly

* She runs with a whole gang of sea monster environmental terrorists! They are all very cool.

* ^^ including her partner Corrie. Might include them as a playable character at some point but I gotta draw them normally first.

Mimi

*No one really knows anything about Mimi. They know she’s a real nurse, and a really good one at that, and that she’s divorced and that’s about it.

Edith

* June and Andrew’s grandma!

* Turns out being a magical girl runs in the family and just skipped a generation lol.

* Used to have rocket/missile powers in her prime but it takes a lot of out her so now she elects to beat the shit out of people with her walker.

Andrew

* Has 2 older sisters that are like 10-15 years older than him, so he and June were always super close cus they were the same age.

* Ratatouille is his favorite movie which is why he adopted Feta.

* His magical girl powers actually gave Feta and basil human level sentience so they help him in the kitchen! Well, Feta does. Basil mostly just tried to eat stuff. They are both very good at washing their hands :) they also can’t talk lol

* June is a very good baker thanks in part to her knowledge of chemistry. Her skills are actually on par with Andrew’s to the point that they have family baking competitions on a regular basis. Andrew is currently beating her in overall wins 15-13.

* Himbo

Kanaaq

* Ok I actually have a very funny backstory for Kanaaq:

* Kanaaq was offered her powers after saving a kid from getting crushed under falling debris in an earthquake, but her pogo stick broke in the process. So when foxolotl presented her with the “I’ll grant you a wish or give you a cool power if you promise to be a magical girl” she asked for her pogo stick to get fixed and IMMEDIATELY regretted it cus she’s trans and she very quickly realized she could’ve used her wish for free top-surgery lmao 😂

* She is sick nasty on her pogo stick like she can do backflips and stuff it’s crazy. Carrie refuses to take her to her usual skate park cus she doesn’t want to get shown up by someone on a pogo stick. Because Kanaaq would absolutely EAT her in a trick competition lmao 😂

* I also have ideas for 2 playable characters that’ll eventually be Kanaaq’s girlfriends but I gotta focus on the main cast first lol.

Iris

* Foxolotl brought her to life cus her fungal colony was solely responsible for saving a dying tree from decay and deforesters. She’s like 2 years old.

* Her magical girl transformation turns her into the guy, she’s normally just a mushroom. When she isn’t in her person form she lives on a tree outside of Rumblebella’s house :)

Bea

* Very successful manager for a restaurant franchise based on her parents restaurant.

* Despite both of her parents being chefs she can’t cook for shit!! She had tried to learn so many times and it just does not work. Only thing she can really make is cereal and she’s on thin fucking ice with that.

* Her wish was to have fans as weapons, like Katana from mortal kombat. Foxolotl gravely misinterpreted this!! And that is why she has a box fan. Bea is still mad at him for this.

* Huuuuuge fuckin dork. Reads a lot of comics, loves super hero movies, plays a lot of fighting games. Mains Anji in guilty gear.

Gwen

* Works for the coast guard (I imagine they all live in a coastal town in California) and got her wish (and most of her scars) from saving her crewmate from a shark when he fell overboard during a storm.

* She actually wore an eyepatch for a long time before the pirate look because she has strabismus in her left eye and has always been self conscious about it.

Montero

* He is an actual, rootin tootin cowboy. Small town sherif with his own ranch and everything 😂

* Killed his former best friend in a standoff after a series of events led her to becoming corrupted and evil. He still feels terrible about it.

Rumblebella

* Rumblebella was originally a toy owned by a young girl who experienced physical abuse at the hands of her father. Foxolotl brought Rumblebella to life to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT GUY and it worked and he’s gone. Toy story brought to its logical conclusion.

* In lieu of legs, she can float!

* Can eat food and it scares everyone. Where does it go 👁👁

Lucy

* Got her wish after saving a guy from getting crushed under a huge weight while working out without a spot at the gym. Afterwards her wish was to “be able to fall asleep instantly and always wake up feeling rested.” She was ripped before the wish lmao these things are unrelated.

Kasomar

* Personally asked Foxolotl to make them a magical girl so they could experience what it was like to be human. This was kinda a stretch for Foxolotl’s abilities so best he could do was compress them into a weird-stretched human body. Kasomar experiences all time at once’s like Dr. Manhattan, but despite this is still able to make meaningful friendships.

* CAN ALSO EAT FOOD DESPITE NOT HAVING A MOUTH FOXOLOTL DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED

Dahlia

* Dahlia died in the mid 1800’s around the time of the civil war. Her family owned slaves and her moral opposition to this eventually led to her helping the family on her estate escape and then got her killed by her family’s guardsmen. Foxolotl was impressed with her bravery and decided to revive her as a magical girl but fucked up SO SEVERELY that her spirit and body were separated in the process.

* Dahlia is actually the first zombie like ever??? Ghosts exist in this world but zombies don’t. Not too many necromancers out there lol

* To differentiate who they’re talking about the gang has taking to calling the two of them Zahlia (zombie Dahlia) and Ghalia (ghost Dahlia). Ghalia does not like this

* Oops! Catholic guilt!

Carrie

* Takes up a bunch of minimum wage and odd jobs to support herself so she can spend more time pursuing her hobbies. She doesn’t have any great career aspirations. June is slightly disappointed in this but doesn’t say anything about it.

* Was raised by a single mother and thinks that Tony Hawk is her biological father. She does not know that Tony Hawk is a human.

Foxolotl

* He has a mom! I drew my mom a Mother’s Day card with Foxolotl and his mom on it so I’m deciding Mamalotl is canon lol.

* Where did he come from?? What’s his purpose?? We may never know!! He is very bad at it though, whatever it is.

* He’s kind of a god? But like a low level god. Kasomar held more power than him pre-transformation. Like god and Zeus and whatever are legendary Pokémon and Foxolotl is a mythical Pokémon lmao 😂