#help i guess

[myopic-skull]

Why am I totally ok with that? Oh well, nvm :)

[jinchaeji]

I fucking hate being in the state between my obsessions (i think hyperfocus is a close term but not neurodivergent so not using that).

My brain yearns to be obsessed about something but doesn't know what

I can already feel that my obsession about Dead Boy Detectives is ending because I can actually not think about them all day long, read something from other fandoms, even watch something else (not talking about yt or something similar)

But at the same time nothing else catches my attention the same as this show. The game I'm playing, other series/movies (yes, even Doctor Who, which I still love with my whole heart but I did kinda watch it during my DBDA 'era' and finals so it just didn't stick that much... Except 'the devil's cord' and 'rogue') just don't feel as 'good' as DBDA

I don't know if I just realized it now, because school doesn't take my free time anymore or if it's because of my shitty memory or what but it just feels so annoying

I want the new obsession but I didn't find it yet...

[billihill]

Get it off my chest, I guess

TW: mentions of depression, anxiety, suicide  Good day or night for everyone! If you guys know me, I am just another fan account for multiple fandoms, my name here on Tumblr is BilliHill and my pronouns are She/They. I write fanfiction, even though I haven’t written in months, usually for the everlark fandom (love them). But this ain’t about what I really wanted to write. I am a teacher. I teach English as Second Language in Brazil. That’s what I have been saying for three years so far.

I was correct, indeed.

I am an English teacher. However, the first time it really sunk in was, in fact, today. I started giving classes in the beginning of 2020, before the COVID-19 pandemic was in fact declared as a danger to society, so I didn’t really much experience “in class” and soon had to move to online classes. I made a bit of money that was used mainly for my Flight Attendent classes (that was my dream back then). Flash-forward I got my first real job as a simple secretary in a small company that a person of my blood knew one of the directors. I still maintained my online classes with the few on and off students I had. This happened in 2021. I worked and studied my ass off for my Flight Attendent course, but in the end, it was a “waste” of time, since all my efforts had gone to the trash, along with my dreams (I can tell that story in another time). The job I mentioned earlier was good, but my mental health was decaying. I’ve struggled with depression and generalized anxiety since I was about 10 and at 15, a week before my 16th birthday, I attempted suicide. It was hard, so hard, but I started going to therapy, took my meds. Everything was fine.  Until 2022. The meds weren’t working anymore, therapy was not what I was looking for and along with the news that I couldn’t be a Flight Attendent (at least for a while) broke me. I chose not to go to uni or college because of my dream and now I couldn’t be what I was dreaming to be since I got in High School. All my friends were in unis and colleges (or studying to be accepted in one) and I felt as if my life was stagnant and dull. I couldn’t see a future anymore.  2022 was not, in fact, all bad. It was in 2022 that I met and started dating my now girlfriend. Our families were totally fine with our relationship and her family helped A LOT with what I was going through that year. I love my girlfriend more than she could ever imagine. I wanted future with her then and I still want it. 2023 came and I left my job. I couldn’t take it anymore. That place was terrible, the people (expect some) were terrible and I was falling into that abyss again. I needed time for myself. I am better now; still adjusting my meds and all, but things seems to be much better than it once was. 

All of this was just the context. This text, however, is about being a teacher in Brazil. Teachers here are paid per hour, like in the US. One hour is basically 1 class, so it leaves us teachers nothing but getting an enormous amount of classes (more than we can physically and psychologically) to be able to live because we, teachers, do not have a fixed wage. It’s per hour, as I said before. Inflation made everything WORSE. I started to study in a private university (because I’m too dumb for a public one) in a course I never knew I’d like (and still don’t really know since it’s only the beginning of the semester). I got a scholarship that is basically a discount of the full fee (and a good one, actually) and things seemed to be going smoothly, correct? 

Kind of. 

I finally got a job in a small school of languages that is, guess what? In another town! It takes me almost 4 hours of train and bus to get to the school (round trip). It pays me almost the same price my private classes (a teeny bit more). I worked for 11 hours this month in total (we have HUGE celebration called Carnaval that took 1 week off the calendar and the classes had only began a week before the celebration. In my calculations, I would receive at least enough to pay the university monthly fee.  Gods, I was so fucking wrong. I was paid 1/3 of what I was expecting and that broke me. Not only because I cannot pay this month’s fee by myself (that is a pain in the ass, not gonna lie), but specially because that is the reality of the teachers here. So underpaid and overworked. Taking hours in public transportations, where you’ll have to endure standing up the whole course + standing up while teaching. It ain’t easy and it could be so so much worse. I still live with my mother, so no rent to be stressed about. We are able to eat everyday. We have internet. We ARE privileged in a way that most middle class people aren’t (even though I firmly believe that those mentioned earlier should NEVER be a privileged, but a right just as it says in the law.

I am, in many ways, tired. So so tired. I don’t know how I’ll be able to study and work without draining myself but then I remember it could be worse. It can always be worse. Maybe I am making a storm in a teacup, but I cannot help that’s what I feel. I can’t pay for therapy or my meds; I can’t pay the uni even with all the money I get (mostly because of my reckless behaviour with credit cards that I won’t be able to pay for now; I recognize that, even though I only spent that money because I thought I was going to be paid more); I can’t pay for my cats’ food, litter and vaxxes.  I am becoming what I’ve always feared. A burden.

Guess that’s life, correct? 

- BilliHill

[shieldfansunite]

Okay but honestly who can teach me how to use Tumblr and get the best out of it? I've had Tumblr for years but haven't been active, though I wanna be now!

[puppyeared]

filipina miku!! my mom helped me with her outfit ^_^

[aria-greenhoodie]

I really truly hate them

Click for Quality!

[aluminumneedles]

I'm knitting in the corner at a party

and guys my age stop by to tell me I remind them of their aunt, of their grandmother. This is a compliment and I take it as such. They confess to having tried crochet once, and I smile. They get back in line for the bathroom.

I'm knitting in the corner at a party and a queer woman sits on the floor next to me, arranges her skirt, and smiles up at me. (I try not to blush.) She asks me all the questions on her mind about my craft and I answer them, hands still moving. We swap yarn sources. She doesn't stay, but she knows where to find me.

I'm knitting in the corner at a party and everyone knows where to find me when they need a minute, when socializing is too much and the music is too loud and they need to catch their breath. They pretend to be checking in on me, which is sweet, but I can see the relief in their eyes the moment they stop performing for a house full of people. They sit down and tell me things and all the while they never take their eyes off my hands.

The party has wound down and I'm still knitting and the hosts, two guys in their twenties, thank me for "helping to curate the vibe." I had no idea that's what I was doing. I leave the party having forgotten to drink anything and without that woman's number but with many rows added to my top-down raglan sweater. I call it a night, and a good one.

[kagoutiss]

i’ll take care of everything

[kingzombear]

Welcome to fuckin THERAPY you cunty triangle

[secretly-of-course]

but what if the walrus was a fairy

now on redbubble!

[hg-aneh]

Remembered I never posted this here

[yyuuraii]

happy pride month or something

[hehether]

Reverse! AU where most of them don't have no killing code, and Jason is a priest 🧍‍♂️

Vampire king Dick's dad was Edward Cullen Battinson trust me

[pixlokita]

(｀ω´)👌