#(but the wound has really never healed tbh. like that one stupid line of a stupid song literally broke something in me) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

marvxlousqueen · 4 years ago

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So Fucking Sore- Bucky x Loki x Reader

i have returned from the dead to deliver this smut for my friend’s birthday LMAOO anyways for this let’s just pretend tony killed thanos in endgame and brought back nat and gamora and nobody died haha yes anyways bucky is a simp in this tbh (and i’ve never written for loki so forgive me if it’s bad LMAOO)

anyways happy bday bestie (don’t wanna expose ur name on here lol) love u <3

word count: 3.5k

The Avengers compound was more full than it had ever been. Finally, every floor was filled, every guest room taken, some sleeping bags even rolled onto the floor. Tony hadn’t planned to host the entirety of the avengers force, some odd one thousand people. After defeating Thanos and fixing the time lines, Tony felt as though they deserved a break and a celebration. Although most people were still recovering and wouldn’t stay for long at the party, he figured laughter is the best medicine- that, and he always loved an occasion to show off his hosting skills.

Tony’s invitation even extended to the staff at the compound, which is how (Y/n) found herself holding a rsvp letter, trying to decide which box to check off.

“Yes [ ] (+1) No [ ]”

She fumbled with the letter, pen getting heavy in her hand. She was seated in her office, taking her lunch break in between helping some of the injured Wakandan soldiers. Being an on-site nurse, of course she had had encounters with the team, but nothing like this party would be.

Would it be embarrassing if I didn’t have a plus one, she thought

She was interrupted by a knock at her door. “Come in,” she said without looking up.

The door slowly opened and Bucky entered, small smile on his face.

“Hey.. just figured I’d bring you some snacks. Figure you must be real busy in the infirmary.”

He set a plate of strawberries on the table with a bottle of water, metal arm extending towards her. (Y/n) could briefly see her reflection in the shine of the vibranium. She lost herself for a moment, examining his arm.

“(Y/n)?”

“What- oh yeah! Super busy. Thanks, Buck,” she gave him a smile, cheeks burning.

They had always had some sort of chemistry, but she just couldn’t quite get a read on it enough to make a move. Ever since reconnecting with Steve, Bucky had gotten back into his old ways. Still a giant flirt, just maybe a little more shy than in the 40s. He loved to toss some pick up lines around whenever he wound up in the infirmary (which was a little too often), so (Y/n) couldn’t figure out if he really liked her or was flirty with everyone.

“What’s that you got there?” He motioned to the rsvp letter on her desk, still unanswered.

“Oh, invitation to Tony’s party thing this weekend. Think he’s trying to get a head count for seats and food. Don’t think I’m going to go, though.”

Bucky pulled up a chair to her desk, “Why wouldn’t you go? You should be celebrating too, I mean- half of us wouldn’t be in this good of a condition without your healing hands.”

His lips pulled into a smirk as he saw her smile shyly. He loved how we could always make her melt at the slightest compliement.

“I think it might be a little embarrassing to show up without a plus one.. I don’t know, it’s probably stupid, but it seems like everyone has someone, you know?”

(Y/n) shrugged, not sure how else to explain her thoughts.

Bucky nodded, running a hand through his hair, “So- what, you’re waiting for someone to ask you?”

“I- No, but it would be nice, I guess.”

Bucky felt his face heat up. Here’s my chance, he thought. A chance to get some real action because I’ve been out of it for too fucking long.

(Y/n) looked up at him, waiting for a response. When nothing came, she pushed through her nerves. “You don’t have a date, do you?”

His eyes snapped up to hers, wide with worry. “I-uh-no. D-don’t need one. Just a party, you know? Kinda stupid to get a date for a party like this.”

“Oh- yeah, totally,” (Y/n) stumbled over her words, facing burning with embarrassment. Did he call me stupid? Well, I guess that answers my questions- he is definitely NOT into me.

Bucky almost slapped himself after seeing the way (Y/n)’s face dropped. THAT CAME OUT WRONG THAT CAME OUT WRONG THAT CAME OUT WRONG!! He meant to come off as relaxed and nonchalant like he used to be, but instead he sounded like a dick.

Before he could get an apology out, another knock was heard from her office door. “C-come in!”

Steve opened the door, “Hey- oh hey buck,” Bucky awkwardly waved at him, still busy screaming at himself, “anyways, (Y/n)- Thor’s got friends on the way and apparently they got a little scuffed up on the way from Norway, so you think you can head in and check on em?”

“Yes! Totally! Uh- bye Bucky, I-I’ll see you.” She jumped out of her seat and rushed off down the hall, happy to get away from this tension with Bucky.

Steve watched her speed off down the hall before turning back to his old friend. “So.. how’s that going?”

Bucky sighed, “It’s not going at all. I think I accidently called her dumb? I don’t know- I kinda blacked out for a minute there.”

Steve patted him on the shoulder, “You’ll be fine. You got plenty of time to fix anything and make your move when you’re ready, all right?”

He understood how his friend was having some difficulties. While he was far more stable then he used to be, Bucky still had his moments and was working through them. Steve couldn’t be prouder.

“I guess you’re right. As long as no other guy tries to scoop her up.”

(Y/n) entered the infirmary, breathing hard from the speed walk she took to escape that awkwardness. Laying on two of the beds was a tall man with long black hair and some sort of creature with knives attached to it’s hands.

“(Y/n)! My friends require your services!” Thor shouts, embracing her in a hug.

She laughs as he squeezes her tightly, “Of course! Now let me go so I can help-”

The man who was reclining on the first bed sat up, eyebrows raised. “You’re a healer?”

She looked towards him, noting his accent was similar to Thor’s, “Well- no. Not a healer, just a nurse, but I’ll do my best. With all this new tech it’ll be real easy to batch you up. What happened?”

Thor spoke up, “My dear friend here,” he motioned toward the creature with the blades for hands, “Miek- got into a argument with my dear brother and knives were thrown. Just minor stab wounds of course, but it would be nice for them to be healed before Stark’s feast.”

“Your brother?” She looked towards the man with black hair, who offered a smile. “You’re Loki?”

“The trickster god indeed.”

Her face heated up, partially in fear and partially in awe. Before her was the man who constantly tried to rule Earth. “Are you-,” she turned to Thor, “is he allowed to be here?”

“Of course! He aided me in our fight against Thanos. He stands as an avenger now.”

Loki rolled his eyes and began to spin a small knife he pulled from his boot. (Y/n) nodded, still registering everything, “Well, uh , okay then. Where’s the stab wound?”

Loki moved to lift his shirt. On his left side was a gash still dripping blood. (Y/n) took a deep breathe, forcing herself to focus on his wound and not the outline of his abs and the way sweat was dripping down.

“Oh- jesus christ, okay. Let me get some stuff.”

The creature on the other bed made a noise and (Y/n) realized he was injured too, a small blade sticking out of his leg.

“Okay, I’ll be right back.” She ran to the other side to grab materials and begin patching them up. The process went like a blur. All she could feel was the way Loki’s body felt warm against hers, not like the cold she was expecting from his being a dark elf. His hand brushed against hers as he admired her handy work, eyes moving from her face to her form. Finally she was done and seated back in her office, yelling at herself for being so horny today for no goddamn reason.

As she took a seat once again, she noticed the still blank rsvp card.

God-fucking-damn it

She still had a decision to make. As she went to check the “No [ ]” box, her door opened. Loki walked in and quickly made himself comfortable, sitting across from her.

“I wish to thank you for the help.”

(Y/n) nodded, eyes wide, “Of course, yeah, anyth-”

“I also wish to invite you to Stark’s feast.”

She froze, mouth slightly open. I don’t even know this dude! And he’s killed a shit ton of people..

“Uh, well,” oh fuck it, “I would love that. Thanks.”

He smiled, “I’ll see you then, (Y/n).”

He left and closed the door behind him. She rushed to fill out the card and went to find Tony. Knowing him, he’d probably be down in his lab playing robots with Morgan. (Y/n) hopped in the elevator and headed towards the basement above the parking garage. It stopped around 3 floors down and the sign flashed “gym.” The doors opened and Bucky entered, sweaty from trying to workout and get rid of all these new feelings he’s having. He didn’t look up from his phone until the doors closed behind him.

His eyes landed on hers, “O-oh hey! Hi.”

(Y/n) gave him a wave and looked down at her letter, rolling it up in her hands.

“You going to the party?”

“Yep.”

“That’s good! Really good! Because you really don’t need a date for stuff like this, we’re all friends, right?” Bucky was desperately trying to make up for what he had said earlier.

“I have a date actually.”

His eyes widened, “What? Who?”

She turned and shrugged, “Just some guy I met, don’t think you would know him.”

A light went off in his head- she’s trying to make me jealous, isn’t she! She doesn’t have a date! She just wants me to make my move!

Bucky laughed and gave her a smirk, “You don’t have to lie to impress me, doll.”

She whipped around, “Excuse me? You don’t think I can get a date?”

His cheeks turned bright red, “W-what? No, you’re just trying to make me jealous.. right?”

Her jaw dropped, “You are so full of it.”

The elevator dinged and (Y/n) exited into the basement, leaving Bucky’s head full of questions.

Did I just fuck up again, he thought.

The next few days past fairly quickly. (Y/n) spent her time in the medical bay once again, dealing with minor injuries and organizing the first aid kits. The few highlights she did have was a quick lunch with Loki, which seemed very abnormal for him. He showed up in her office with, as he called it, “Midgardian Trash,” which was just a plate of different snack foods that Clint had recommended. They ate in a comfortable silence, sharing a few thoughts here and there, until he took his que to leave. (Y/n) walked him to the door and was surprised when he pressed a kiss to her cheek, making her face heat up.

“See you tomorrow, dear (Y/n).”

She stumbled out a response, making him laugh at her speechlessness. After work she rushed to prepare herself for Saturday night.

It was probably the biggest party upstate New York had ever seen. Completely catered, a professional band, everyone dressed up in their finest clothing. (Y/n) would’ve felt completely out of place if it wasn’t for Loki’s arm wrapped around her waist as they entered. He was dressed in a black suit with a dark green tie, constantly repping his main color. Time flew as they spun on the dance floor and drank a little too much, although alcohol didn’t seem to have much effect on him. Loki excused himself to the restroom as (Y/n) downed a glass of water to sober up. She felt someone sit next to her at the bar.

“Look, I’m not interested-”

“Are you crazy? Like- do you genuinely have a death wish?”

She looked beside her and was face to face with Bucky. It felt weird to see him so dressed up. She was used to the sweats and t-shirts, but she had to admit that he cleaned up nice.

“What are you talking about?”

He glared at her, “Loki? Your date is LOKI. Steve filled me in, I know everything. He’s killed people, (Y/n)! A lot of them!”

“So have you.”

“I-” His voice faltered. “That’s different, you know it is. I’m just worried about you, that’s all.”

“Well don’t be. He’s actually a pretty good guy. And here he comes now.”

Loki appeared, tapping Bucky on the shoulder, “can I help you?”

“We were just talking.”

He laughed, “seems you would rather do much more than that.”

(Y/n)’s brows furrowed, ‘What does that mean?”

Bucky’s face turned red, “nothing! I guess I’ll leave you two alone now.”

“Nonsense,” Loki pushed him back into the chair. “Tell the woman what you think of her. Perhaps it could work out for you, or for us both.”

“What!?”

(Y/n) was confused again, “What the fuck are you guys talking about?”

Loki looked her up and down, “don’t be a fool. He fancies you, as do I. I propose an agreement-”

“wait what,” she looked at Bucky, “you like me? Like- more than a friend?”

He looked down at the table, confused and frustrated about his feelings and about how this alien douchebag was making fun of him. He swallowed the lump in his throat and spoke up.

“Listen asshole-”

Loki rolled his eyes, “do you wish to mount the lady or no?”

(Y/n) choked on her water, “what the fuck-”

Bucky’s eyes felt like they would fall out of his head, but he responded instinctively, “yes, god yes.”

Butterflies went off in (Y/n)’s stomach, eyes locked onto Bucky’s face.

“Great. So do I. So we shall share her then? Tonight? What do you think?”

Loki turned to (Y/n), who was in shock.

“I-what?”

“Tonight, the two of us, yes? In your chambers, perhaps.”

“I-uh, okay.”

Bucky licked his lips, “Okay?”

“Yes, I mean-fuck, why not. You are both.. wow.”

Loki laughed, “Great, but truly shocking how blind you mortals are to each other.”

The three of them sat in a weird tension at the bar while waiting for Tony to give his toast. After about 10 minutes of emotional rambling, Tony finally raised his glass to the Avengers. (Y/n) downed her drink and looked to the two men sitting beside her. Locking eyes, they shared a common thought and all excused themselves one by one. They found their way into (Y/n)’s bedroom, where she made herself at home by throwing off the heels she had been wearing all night.

“So-uh-”

Bucky cut off her rambling with a hot, open mouthed kiss pressed to her lips. His hands trailed down her sides and grabbed her ass. He pulled away, breathing hard. “You have no idea, how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

He suddenly felt far more confident and began to strip off his suit, starting with the tie that had been choking him all night. Loki threw off his coat and pushed (Y/n) onto her bed.

“I want you to kneel.”

She stood up on her knees, face flushed, waiting for his next move. He slowly undid his pants and pulled out his cock.

Well, yeah, he’s definitely packing

(Y/n) pressed a kiss to the tip before licking her way from the bottom back to the top. She took a deep breath and took him in her mouth as far as she could. Loki began to thrust, gripping her hair and pushing her forward, using her mouth as a fucktoy. (Y/n) opened her eyes to look up at him and noticed Bucky on the side, hand in his pants, eyes zeroed in on her mouth. She motioned for Bucky to strip, making him drop his pants and boxers, leaving him now completely exposed. His hand continued to pump his length, whimpers leaving his mouth. Loki noticed (Y/n)’s eye’s on Bucky and pulled away from her, leaving spit and precum dripping down her mouth.

“Take her.”

Bucky’s face flushed, embarrassed to be doing exactly what some other dude told him to. He walked towards the bed, cock standing proudly.

“Is this okay?”

(Y/n) nodded yes, grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him onto the bed with her. With Bucky underneath her, she lined up with his dick and sunk down onto it.

“Fuck! Jesus-fuck-”

(Y/n) couldn’t think for a moment, too distracted by how much he was stretching her. Bucky’s head was thrown up and his grip on her thighs tightened. He lifted his tips and bucked into her, making her gasp again.

Regaining her composure, (Y/n) began to roll her hips. As she rode him, Bucky sat up and his lips found their way to her neck, leaving marks up and down it. From the side of the bed, she could see Loki completely exposed now, hand running up and down his length as he watched them. He smirked as he caught her eye, making it more of a show.

His hand moved faster before focusing on his tip. (Y/n)’s thoughts were broken from him as Bucky began to paw at her clit, rubbing it just the right way. Her hands went to his hair, pulling him close.

“God, so fucking-shit-so tight-”

Bucky’s voiced was strained, trying not to finish before her, but (Y/n) was making it difficult with how tight she was clamped around him.

“Fuck-i’m so close, please!”

Bucky started thrusting up into her, “say my name-fuck”

“Bucky! Please!”

He rammed into her with a quick pace, hands groping her ass. (Y/n) a warmth growing in her, squeezing his dick even more. Finally, she reached her peak and exploded around him, dripping her juices down his dick. Bucky quickly flipped them over, putting one of her legs over his shoulder and started to pound into her. (Y/n) choked on her breath, completely overwhelmed from the overstimulation. Bucky’s thrusts began to stutter until he bucked one last time, going deep into her and exploding. He filled her up and slowly pulled out, seeing his cum dripping out of her.

“Holy shit.”

(Y/n) laughed, trying to catch her breath, “thanks, you too.”

“Quite the show, indeed.”

(Y/n) had almost forgot there was a whole other dude waiting to fuck her. Looking over, Loki’s cock was still standing tall, the tip burning red.

He stood up and made his way to the bed, “On your hands and knees.”

His command made butterflies form in her stomach. (Y/n) turned over and got on her hands and knees. Loki entered her without warning, making her scream out in surprise. His hand came to her head, pushing her into the mattress. His pace picked up as he slammed into her.

“Jesus-fucking-god!”

Loki laughed through his heavy breathing, literally fucking her into the mattress.

“Let’s get something in that mouth, yes? Barnes-”

Bucky’s eyes moved from watching where Loki was connecting with (Y/n) to her mouth. “Sure-yeah, fuck yes.”

Bucky was thankful for his super soldier qualities because he was already up for round two. He got on the bed, dick facing (Y/n)’s mouth. She got back on her hands and kissed his tip before he pushed in. Bucky let (Y/n) control the pace although most times she was pushed on his dick by Loki’s hard thrusts. (Y/n) lost track of time as she getting literally fucking railed. Loki’s thrusts began to speed up and sweat was dripping down his godly body.

(Y/n) felt the coil in her stomach tighten again, warmth spreading through out her, she was close, moaning around Bucky’s length. He pulled out of her mouth and began to jerk off, enjoying the show Loki and her were putting on.

(Y/n) screamed as she reached her climax for the second time that night, eyes rolling to the back of her head, but Loki didn’t slow. He continued until one finally thrust, he pulled out and spilled onto her back, throwing his head back.

The noises (Y/n) was making made Bucky cum into his own hand before collapsing on the bed.

(Y/n) dropped onto the bed, legs shaking. “Jesus- fuck.”

Bucky put a hand to her cheek, “you okay? We didn’t hurt you, did we?”

She shook her head, “No, just-fuck- I’m gonna be so fucking sore.”

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes smut #Sebastian Stan #loki #loki x reader #loki smut #tom hiddleston

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cyn-00 · 4 years ago

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Moreid one shot, 22 - "strings"

Another one inspired by season 5, episode 10 "The slave of duty", though with an entirely different focus compared to my other fic based on that same episode (which btw was my FIRST can u believe that)

I'm gonna remind you of a couple things that are important to understand this work (the plot of the episode/case aren't tbh): this is that period in the show where Morgan is taking Hotch's place in leading the team; plus Reid's been recently shot in the knee so he has his cane and everything. The first dialogue is word by word reported from the show and then I go from there ;)

@upsetti0spaghettiii and @rollcreditsyall asked me to tag 'em <3 hope u like it

Read it on AO3

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"We need fresh eyes..." Rossi mumbled, more as if telling himself than the rest of the team.

Morgan acknowledged the older man's hint and sighed deeply, sinking further in his swivel chair. "A'ight, listen up,"

He continued once everyone's eyes darted up to him almost as quickly as they'd dart up to Hotch - which always lit Spencer up with pride, somehow.

"I want everybody to go back to the hotel and try to get some rest. We're gonna have to pick this up again in the morning."

Prentiss poorly contained a taken aback expression. "Wha- we're giving up?"

Reid was this close to piercing her skull with a laser-glare, because Morgan was RIGHT - how could she not see that they were getting nowhere? But then again: would've looked like he was playing the part of the blindly supportive boyfriend. Which, he never did.

"No." Morgan shot his head up to glance at her; albeit with anything but malice in his eyes. "We're gonna take a break. We have to give the profile at morning roll and none of us has slept since the funeral."

Realization; painted on Emily's features. Now do you see? Reid wanted to ask - he didn't, of course.

"Once Garcia can get us a paper trail, then we can expand our canvas. 'Till then there's really not a lot we can do." Morgan concluded, and silence fell in the room like a heavy blanket, smothering whatever other retort his teammates may raise.

Reid waited for the others to exit the room before standing up and making his way around the desk, straining against the searing pang that shot up from his healing knee at the motion.

He settled behind Morgan's chair and let his free arm loosely encircle him from behind, resting his palm on the man's broad, tense chest.

After unnecessarily checking once again that there weren't any nosy officers peeking from outside, he carefully bent down to reach Derek's temple and place a lingering kiss there.

"You did the right thing." he murmured, and immediately felt the other man releasing a breath at his words.

"I know." Derek responded shortly, finally moving from that concerningly petrified position to place his palm over Spencer's hand, pressing more firmly to discourage him from breaking contact.

Spencer allowed his tired eyes to flutter close for a few seconds as he rested his cheek on his boyfriend's head, relying on his trusted cane not to let him fall headlong on the moquette - "who's the idiot that decided putting moquette in a police station conference room was a good idea?", he recalled the comment Derek had whispered to his ear a few hours before, and he recalled thinking that only someone as obsessed with everything furniture-wise as Derek Morgan could notice and care about such a thing as a police station flooring. "Pfft... good luck with washing that if someone spills coffee".

The thought awakened him before it could bring a stupid, unbidden smile to his lips.

Washing. Soap, warm water, shampoo... he needed a well deserved-

"Shower." Derek's voice and the noise of lips briefly smacking on his palm resonated in the genius' half-asleep ears. "Need a shower."

Spencer smiled now. "Me too."

"I know. Could hear you thinkin' about it." Derek left another kiss on Spencer's wrist before gripping on the armrests to stand up, needing him to lift his warm cheek seemingly melting on the top of his head to do so.

"C'mon," he encouraged, turning around to finally take a look at the man's sleepy face.

"Gotta help Goldilocks here shampoo up." he grinned warmly, tilting his head.

Spencer only snorted, because with that damn smile what the hell could he say to the man.

Reid sighed deeply as he slumped onto the toilet lid, resting his cane against the tiled wall of the bathroom.

He took off his jacket and pulled his sweater vest over his head, and the second he began maneuvering with his tie, a pair of hands landed over his.

He glanced up slightly annoyed, but gave in to let those hands do the work nonetheless.

"It's the pants I struggle with, not the upper part of my body." he specified for the millionth time - the millionth time he'd found Derek helping him get out of his tie and shirt even though he could do that by himself just fine.

Morgan arched a brow and scoffed, keeping his gaze leveled with the collar of the other man's button-up. "What's in it for me if I don't at least get to undress my boy, uh?"

Spencer contained a smile, ducking his head to look at Derek's hands proceeding to undo the buttons once he'd slid the tie away.

"Not exactly the type of undressing you'd wished for, I'm guessing..." he mumbled sheepishly after a couple seconds.

Derek's eyebrows furrowed now. He said more with those eyebrows of his than he did with his words.

"Any type of undressing you is the type of undressing I wish for..." he trailed off, and Spencer noticed his shirt had magically slid off of his shoulders and was being untucked from his slacks.

Derek's smile grew as his pupils traced from the skinny man's hips up to his chest and laced with his eyes at last.

"It's that I enjoy the view regardless, pretty boy." he added winking, before placing a kiss right over the man's heart.

Spencer didn't say anything. His usual "whatever you say" or the like would only supply him with Derek's eye-roll and another cascade of cheesy praising followed by Spencer's impulse to kiss him and then a few other things which he didn't have the physical strength to engage in, in that moment.

So he settled for thinking those things, lost in his own head while his eyes followed each one of Derek's careful motions that only resulted in layers and layers of clothing peeling off of his body, unable to pinpoint when exactly he had propped up to let the man pull his pants down to his ankles.

The only thing he managed to feel, right after the piercing cold ceramic under his thighs once his slacks were no longer cladding them, was the noise of the brace straps and the sensation of it freeing his leg and then-

"Ouch- Waitwaitwait, Der- wait" he pleaded through gritted teeth, as a twinge of pain awakened him from his pleasant reverie.

"I'm sorry baby, I know this part always hurts like hell" Derek said, and they both knew the 'part' he was referring to was the one where Spencer had to stretch his leg, numb and strained from having it caged in that hellish plastic brace for hours straight.

Spencer nodded and let his boyfriend do the rest - the first couple times he had tried to protest and get through everything on his own, feeling nothing short of a burden and decidedly embarrassed. Now, though, he knew there was no point in arguing, not simply because arguing with Derek when it came to taking care of Spencer was pointless to say the very least; but mostly because Derek was inexplicably good at taking care of him. Doctor Reid could surely brag about his PhDs, but Derek seemed to own every medical training in the world when he had to care for Spencer's pain.

The other man rose to his feet for a few seconds, taking the forgotten plastic stool in the corner of the room and placing it in the shower, before starting the water to get it as warm as Spencer liked it. Which meant, 3rd-degree-burn warm.

He returned to kneel in front of the naked genius in his briefs and mismatched socks only, smiling fondly at the sight.

He gently grabbed Spencer's ankles to slip off his socks - it made his toes curl and Derek adored it - and wrapped his strong arms around his boyfriend's skinny torso to pull him up to his bare feet.

Spencer only slightly hissed and grasped onto Derek's shoulders like his life depended on it - which, it kinda did, seeing how the worryingly sharp edge of the marble bathroom counter seemed to be waiting just for the man to wobble under the weight of his recently wounded knee.

Derek hooked his fingers in the elastic band of his boyfriend's underwear and let it fall to the floor so the other could step out of it - just a week ago that same, easy action almost cost Spencer to trip over and smash his skull straight into the sliding glass door of his shower; but Derek pushed that memory away because acting like the overly protective boyfriend wasn't gonna make things any better or easier, anyway.

It's just. Spencer was so fragile. There was no denying that. His brain was worth all their brains added together if not more, but dammit could a bruise stain his fair skin for weeks on end; reason why they'd given up on hickeys a long time ago - at least visible ones - in light of the fact that ever-lasting purple marks weren't exactly a good idea in their line of work.

"Derek, uhm, I'm taking a wild guess your fully clothed self doesn't know how cold it is in this bathroom, but, it's cold." Spencer's complaint brought him out of his head.

He looked down at himself and, indeed, he was fully clothed still.

"Wanna bet that I won't be as cold as you? You just like to whine a lot don't you?" Derek teased, pulling his henley off.

"It would be decidedly stupid of me to bet on such obviousness ? It's granted that you won't feel as cold as me considering that I'm skinnier; muscle heats up the body through metabolism as well as fat which works as an insulating-"

Reid's babbling was cut off by the man's laughter.

"...what? What's so funny?"

"I finally got naked for you and that's still not enough to stop your fact-spewing?"

Derek saw Spencer gulping and scanning him from head to toe.

"...right" he murmured, biting the inside of his cheek.

Morgan brought the other's pink-tinted face back up with his hands, lifting his gaze from where it was lingering on some undefined area very much below his usual approximately 5'8-something horizon line, and placed a kiss between his eyebrows.

"Come on. I ain't gonna risk you getting a cold on top of everything else." he said softly, securing Spencer's waist with two hands from behind to lead him first into the shower.

And thank God that one was an actual shower, instead of that bathtub the two of them barely fit in with a half-unhooked plastic curtain from that crappy motel the team found themselves having to spend a whole 6 days in, just a couple weeks before. And thank God for the stool, also, because helping Spencer through a shower while either standing or sitting on the floor were provenly exhausting techniques for both of them.

Derek eased his boyfriend into said stool and could immediately see him relaxing under the warm water. He dropped on his knees and started untangling the man's matted curls with his fingers - Spencer had confessed that, before Derek, he only used to untangle the knots with a comb after having showered because he didn't have the time or patience to do otherwise, but Morgan had rightfully reminded him that he had not one but two sisters, hence he was so used to observe how carefully their mom routinely brushed and braided their hair when they were little he could repeat the process by heart - so at the end of the day, "I might be bald but I sure know more about curls than you do, pretty boy".

After having managed to loosen maybe a couple of major tangles at most - nothing out of the ordinary - he reached for the shampoo and squeezed a generous amount on his palm, smearing it on both hands before spreading it onto Spencer's mop of hair.

Morgan had always wondered how the hell the kid always smelt so good; the rare times he could perceive something other than the cozy smell of coffee that almost perpetually imbued Spencer's aura. For some unfounded reason, his first guess had been that the source of such sweet smell must've been Spencer's cologne. After a month at most of knowing him, though, the hypothesis that the lanky genius with the crooked tie and that cardigan Morgan couldn't picture as anyone else's but his grandfather's actually wore cologne, was thrown out of the window. So he'd quite confidently settled for option B, which entailed that the scent had to have something to do with the detergent he used for his clothes. Little did he know he would find himself in Reid's bathroom some night after a case, and his eyes would be caught by a plastic, peach-pink bottle of shampoo that, to his "surprise", smelled like...like Spencer. Like something sweet and fruity with a spicy hint of cinnamon. And it's not like Morgan wasn't aware of the notorious, rom-com cliché that the aphrodisiac smell of the person you're hopelessly pining over is more likely due to their shampoo than anything else; it's more that he didn't want to give in the realization that not only Spencer's hair looked good - and, much later on, felt good twirled around his fingers - but on top of that it smelt good. Oh, dammit, my crush's hair smells like heaven which only adds to the fact that he probably fell from there, seeing how it makes him look like a downright ANGEL. Come on. Supervisory Special Agent Derek Morgan would've preferred without a smidge of doubt to remain unbeknownst of that, for the sake of his poor heart.

Poor heart, indeed, when Spencer started literally purring close-eyed under the soothingly kneading motions of Derek's digits through his hair. There was really no reason to keep on massaging the shampoo on Spencer's scalp for 5 minutes straight, if not that sight.

"Spencer?" he called, failing to contain the urge to lean in and peck at his lips.

"Hmm ?" the dopey man hummed in response.

"Sweetie, don't fall asleep on me here, yeah?"

" 'm trying. But you're not helping." Spencer mumbled, rubbing his eyes with his fingers from the water streaming down his face to open them in slits.

"Ah, so now it's my fault that you get all dreamy when I play with your hair?"

Spencer frowned. "Uhm, yes ?"

The other man chuckled. "Alright. Got the message." he claimed before standing briefly to his feet to grab the sprayer.

"Mmh' no this is even worse..." Spencer mewled when his boyfriend started rinsing his hair with warm water, running his fingers through it to be as thorough as possible.

Derek burst out laughing. "You're unbelievable, I swear to God." he said, making quick work of the rinsing process or else he would've undoubtedly have to drag a passed out, naked Spencer out of the shower.

He put the sprayer back in place and took the shower gel - he had to use the unscented, cheap, exceedingly liquid sample from the hotel - and poured it on his palm.

Spencer held out his hands in a cup-like shape as if waiting for Derek to give him a share of the gel. He looked up at him and arched a brow.

The genius rolled his eyes. "If you don't provide me with something to do I'm gonna seriously fall asleep in here."

Derek nodded and complied. "Lame excuse."

"For what?" the other asked like he didn't know when actually he knew.

"For laying your hands on me?" Derek teased with his 'you can't fool me' tone. "But I ain't complaining, just so we're clear..." he smirked.

After that, Spencer gave up on countering further but his expression didn't waver much; and Derek couldn't even relish in the satisfaction of holding that comment 100% accountable for the flush dyeing Spencer's chest and neck, because it could've very well been mostly due to the steam and hot water.

Both started spreading the gel onto each other's shoulders and necks and torsos, and Morgan wouldn't have managed to tear his gaze away from the skinny man sat in front of him even if he'd purposely tried. Spencer's concentrated expression was the same whether he was solving Schrödinger's equation or he was stirring his coffee with a spoon.

Hazel eyes locked with Derek's after a while, only for a split second before their owner launched himself into his arms; a soapy hand cupping the back of his neck and a warm muzzle burying in his slippery shoulder.

Derek didn't question and simply indulged in the hug, tracing circles with his thumbs on the nubs of Spencer's spine as he let his cheek lean against the top of his head.

"Thank you." a muffled whisper breached through the continuous noise of water thrumming on ceramic and glass and steel surfaces.

"Stop thanking me, kid. I love you." how many times had Morgan found himself saying those exact words, if maybe arranged in different fashions, throughout 5 years of working with Reid? Only difference was that the last bit hadn't always born the meaning it bore now. Almost, though.

After one or two minutes more - Derek couldn't quite gauge, and the fact that Spencer most definitely could brought a slight smile to his lips - Reid let go of the hug; and it was only because being soaked from head to toe blurred out things a little that Morgan couldn't swear the man was a second away from crying.

Reid looked down at his wrinkly finger pads.

"We're wasting an unnecessary amount of water." he said with a small grin curling one edge of his mouth. If Spencer's previous expression rendered almost unreadable by that soaked-head-to-toe situation hadn't been enough to go by, his current tone and the look that went along with it surely were.

However, Morgan didn't mention it, and the couple spent the rest of the shower rinsing the bubbles off of their bodies in soothing quiet.

The comfortable quiet kept going unhindered as Derek helped Spencer up and out of the shower, as he wrapped a towel around his bony hips, as Spencer brushed his dripping hair with a wooden comb while watching the standing man put on his sweats and t-shirt. Their exchanges merely fond glances here and hands caressing cheeks there and fingers bumping on skins like silent reminders that they were together in this just as much as in everything else that might come in their way and break them, whether inside or out or both it didn't matter as long as they were Spencer and Derek and Derek and Spencer.

And so together they walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, both pleasantly surprised by how they managed to not let Spencer slip on the steam-coated floor.

In a matter of minutes he was sitting on the edge of the mattress, which wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as sitting on the crappy stool or the toilet lid, much to Spencer's relief.

And Spencer Reid was notoriously not one to count his chickens before they'd hatched, but this time...

"Oh baby...does it still hurt so bad?" Morgan asked with full-on worry creasing his handsome features, at the sight of his boyfriend screwing his eyes shut and clenching his jaw while his leg bounced up and down - the leg not injured, that is. He'd caught Spencer doing that sometimes during work and he'd quickly figured it was his way to cope with pangs.

Spencer simply nodded his head frantically and grabbed both the man's hands to squeeze them in a knuckle-whitening clutch.

His boyfriend's sigh was so deep Spencer didn't need to actually see to picture the rising and falling of his chest as visible to the naked eye.

"I'm gonna get the pills the doctor prescribed you and I don't wanna hear you complain." the man asserted.

The second Reid felt him on the verge of standing up, he squeezed his hands even tighter and made an effort to open his eyes.

"No, nonono I- I took it 2 and a half hours ago I can't take anymore for another hour and a half at least." he protested, shaking his head vigorously and staring pleadingly at him.

Morgan sighed again, and this time Reid could see it.

"Ok, alright, then...did you bring that ointment he gave you?"

Spencer's pupils fidgeted around in thought.

"Yeah. Y- yeah, I- I have that in my bag." he replied, stuttering with the abruptness of his realization.

Derek stood up for real now, fetching said ointment.

He came back a minute later and resumed his kneeling position, squeezing some of the balm on his fingers and warming it up by rubbing his hands. He started massaging it onto his boyfriend's knee, and the heavy mass weighing on his chest was lifted like magic when Spencer's muscles relaxed and his deadly grip on the blankets loosened.

Another 'thank you' was about to escape Spencer's mouth, but then he opted to swallow it and instead relish in the sensation of Derek's thumbs rubbing the slick balm in circles at either side of his wounded kneecap; watching him as though if he didn't keep an eye on him he would disappear.

He didn't know how much time had passed, because that was one of those few occasions he'd allowed himself not to keep count of things - most of those occasions were the ones he spent with Derek - but it must have been quite a while because by the time Derek spoke up again, the pain had melted away and his knee was glistening and warm and his heart was fuzzy and vibrating inside his ribcage.

"Better?" the man asked.

Spencer waited a second for him to raise his gaze from the task at hand and direct it toward his, and for the smile that he knew was coming to actually come, before answering.

When that happened, he said: "Definitely."

And if Derek's grin didn't widen it was just because it couldn't get bigger than half of his face, and because it had to be a crime to smile more brightly than that.

"Alright then. Gonna get cleaned up and then I'll help you with pj's."

Spencer opened his mouth to dismiss his offer but was immediately cut off by a finger raised threateningly at him.

"Nope. I don't wanna hear it, I told you." Derek reprimanded before heading to the bathroom.

The few minutes Morgan spent washing his hands and pacing around the room to get the other's t-shirt and flannel pants were enough for the warm and fuzzy feeling to seep out of Reid's skin and be replaced by unsettling thoughts he never enjoyed wallowing in, but especially not in that moment.

It was exactly that same feeling from earlier reoccurring to him, the feeling that if he let Derek out of his sight for a second he would lose him - more specifically Derek would leave him. And of course during work the time they spent apart was much more than the one they spent together, but in a working context it was simply...different. Different in a way Spencer couldn't name. It was when they were alone that the feeling came back to choke him with its evil claws; and it was such a foreign one considering that Reid had spent most of his childhood AND adulthood alone, so one would simply guess he was used to it. Maybe it was exactly that: that he'd got so used to being alone he couldn't help but cling onto the first thing that made him not alone, and if in the beginning that thing had been his team and later on the team stopped being enough and it became Dilaudid, now that thing was Derek, and Derek was more than enough for the time being - Spencer was pretty confident he would be enough for the rest of his life, but what if it weren't mutual ? What if Spencer wasn't enough for Derek - for that matter, how could Spencer be enough for anyone? What if Derek left ?

"-encer? Baby you good in there?"

Then what would the next thing be and would a 'next thing' even exist or should he just settle for being alone all over again, only this time he would know the feeling of NOT being alone - would he ever recover from that?

"Hey, kid, c'mon now,"

Could he forget what it had felt like not being alone and learn to suffice for himself?

"Spencer seriously, talk to me ?"

Could Spencer Reid learn to finally FORGET if forgetting meant surviving?

"Spencer, come on baby you're starting to scare me here."

Reid ultimately managed to snap out of his head and realize Morgan had been trying to pull him out of it all along. He felt a hand cradling his jaw and words reaching his eardrums and his name being called in endless sequence.

He shook his head and gaped for a few seconds.

"Yeah, I'm- I'm here, sorry I- just, I was...thinking, I'm sorry..." he swallowed and jerked his eyes away from Derek's because the look he was giving him was a bit too much.

Morgan released a heavy exhale, as his hand shifted to rest on the back of Reid's head, massaging his nape to ground him again.

"Sorry."

"Don't start. Just tell me what you were thinking."

A grimace of reluctance crinkled Spencer's sweet face. "...do I have to?"

"Yes." Derek asserted. "Puppy-eyes won't work this time."

Spencer bit his lip to contain a lopsided, amused smile.

"Well," he shrugged. "it was worth the shot."

Derek snorted in response, visibly relaxing at having managed to reclaim their usual playful banter.

The other man was grateful that Morgan hadn't pried, instead reaching a hand out beside the spot where Spencer was sitting to grab his fresh pair of briefs. The warm-fuzzy feeling partially found its way back through Spencer's bloodstream at the thought that Derek probably knew by now how he was more likely to talk brake-free and open heartedly when he wasn't being overtly pressured to do so.

Derek carefully untucked the towel from around Spencer's hips and rose to a half-standing position to prop him up a few inches from the bed and slide it away from underneath him. He helped the man's long legs inside his underwear and lifted him once again to pull it up; he took the slightly moist towel and used it to ruffle Spencer's hair in the attempt to wipe it dry a little - again: a cold wasn't the greatest idea at the moment - gaining his signature nose scrunch and finally, Spencer started spilling.

"I was thinking about this whole...situation." Reid murmured with a sigh.

Morgan considered his words for a few seconds - uncaring of having probably given the man the impression that he wasn't listening - while minutely un-messing the strands of brunette, damp hair he'd messed up with the towel and adjusting them behind Spencer's ears.

"Meaning?" he asked at last; more to give the man the liberty of elaborating how he wanted than because he hadn't picked up on the 'situation' he was referring to.

"Meaning...you taking on Hotch's role temporarily ?" Spencer supplied, raising his pitch at the end as though it were a question.

"What about it, sweetie?" he urged on gently, stopping his ministrations to rub his hands up and down Spencer's sides affectionately.

"I, uh..." Reid cleared his voice. "I just realized that- well, m- maybe it's that I didn't want to think about it so that's why I'm realizing it only now but, anyway; I realized that if...if Hotch isn't coming back..." he trailed off, looking down at his knees.

Derek took the hint and started moving again, picking Spencer's flannel pants and guiding his feet inside them.

Spencer waited for the lift-and-pull-up part to be over - because it was too draining to do that AND talk simultaneously - before conjuring his train of thought again.

"If Hotch doesn't come back, you'll be the new Unit Chief." Reid said, once he was sitting down.

Morgan hesitated, furrowing his brows in confusion as to why Reid would feel the need to state the obvious.

"Yeah." he simply confirmed.

Spencer visibly refrained from explaining, choosing to spend the next few seconds picking at the worn fabric of his pajama pants - now that he wasn't naked anymore and finally had something to fiddle with - sticking uncomfortably to the layer of ointment covering his knee.

As per usual, Morgan's brain was struggling to keep up with his boyfriend's pondering.

But then it hit him.

"Oh..." Derek dropped his gaze; his confused and apprehensive expression fading away to make space for a melancholic and apologetic one.

"...yeah" Spencer murmured. But then decided that a monosyllabic answer wasn't enough, and opted to unfold his thoughts more clearly.

"It means that...that you'll be our superior- my superior, hence we couldn't...you and I, we, we won't be allowed to..." he gulped. He knew his bottom lip was trembling. He could feel it. But he had to say it, or else the concept would eat him alive.

"...to be together anymore. Right?" Spencer concluded with a quivering voice.

Derek wanted to get back to doing what he was supposed to be doing to give them both some more seconds to digest that, but for some reason he feared that if he'd proceeded to help Spencer in his last piece of clothing, the man would've looked even more vulnerable and small in that saggy t-shirt than he did now that he was bare in any sense of the word in front of him.

So he slowly brushed his hands down Spencer's lap to entangle them with his.

"...unless I choose not to." he mumbled.

The genius' scowling glance shot up.

"What?? No. No, I won't let you do that."

Morgan sighed, tilting his head. "Spencer-"

"No, Derek. I couldn't live with myself knowing that you turned down the greatest job opportunity of your life to stay with me."

And that much was the truest statement Spencer had ever made, even if the only thought of breaking up with Derek made every cell in his body ache and his heart bleed out and his bones shatter like a china cup dropping on a granite floor.

Derek stared at him for a while with flat-out disbelief pasted on his face.

"Spencer," he started, and immediately shook his head, unable to contain a snort. Spencer's frown didn't but intensify at that.

"Kid, look. I know that you'd respect my decision to accept the job. I know it because you're one of the most ambitious and over-achieving people I know and I feel nothing but blessed to have someone like you by my side." he paused. "You inspire me in that sense, you know?"

Spencer didn't answer, but his gaze softened instinctively.

"But it's because I know you respect everything I do that I'd be disappointed to know that you made the exception to NOT support me if I decided to turn down the offer."

The words hit Spencer in a certain spot at the base of his skull, but he couldn't bring himself to be ungrateful for Derek being so honest and blunt about the matter.

So he nodded.

Derek continued, because he wasn't convinced at all that the man had got the message.

"And believe me when I say that the reason why I wouldn't accept it isn't because I pity you or I don't wanna leave 'poor Spencer' alone or whatever." he made the air-quote gesture and untangled a hand from Spencer's to bring it to his cheek.

"It's because to me accepting a title that by the way, I'm not even 100% sure that I want, it's not worth leaving the person I'm in love with."

With that last bit, Derek didn't need to forcibly bring his boyfriend's chin up to meet his eyes - Spencer had instantly done that on his own initiative.

"I would NOT be able to leave you, Spencer. For my sake, not out of pity. I know myself." he whispered, stroking his thumb on the other's cheek.

Spencer kept returning the other's stare for what they both perceived like 30 minutes, in search for the slightest hint of lie in Derek's eyes. Which, obviously, he gladly failed to summon.

So he inched closer and pressed their lips together, because kissing Derek seemed like the easier way to both reply to his confession and stop his bottom lip from trembling with the force of emotion welling up in his eyes.

Derek's mouth went along as his arms encircled his boyfriend's dainty frame to carefully shift him closer, until his body was the only thing keeping him from falling off the mattress. He captured every silky motion of Spencer's tongue with unmatched slowness; as if the more thorough the kiss, the better he could savor the man's unspoken words and enshrine them forever in his mind, only fueling his already unarguable conviction that no, he couldn't let this man slip away like it wasn't him that kept Derek's lungs breathing and his heart pounding and his limbs working.

With one last smack of lips Spencer gasped out of the kiss, keeping their foreheads glued together and his eyes shuttered because it was clear now that he didn't need to see the man to know he wouldn't leave, but his skin couldn't do without the feeling of Derek's against it nonetheless.

Slowly, he opened his lids and noticed the pair of pitch-black eyes in front of his were staring at him.

He smiled when he spotted a bright glimmer deep inside them, and was returned with a smile of Derek's own.

"Plus," Morgan's hoarse voice gently poked through the silence, as both his hands rose to cup the other's face.

"I know we shouldn't profile each other and all that, but dad really doesn't know what to do with himself when he's not with us, so my money's on him coming back." he joked.

Spencer burst in the prettiest giggle Derek had ever heard and let his head fall onto the other's shoulder.

"Y-yeah, mine too." he agreed once he'd recomposed himself enough to straighten in his seat again.

"Let's put this t-shirt on and go to sleep, uh?" Derek offered.

The genius nodded, and in a matter of 5 minutes at most, the two were a mess of entangled limbs - both injured and not - instants away from falling asleep; with a few less doubts stinging their hearts and just as many newfound strings keeping them together.

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notebooks-and-tea · 4 years ago

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Parse & Folklore: A Ted Talk

Alright everyone, settle down and come have emotions with me about how many of the lyrics from Folklore could apply to Parse. This is a long one so buckle in kiddos. I’m not usually a omgcp blog and I haven’t actually used tumblr in ages but I needed to share my emotions. Someone please yell at me if they have any more thoughts - I’m always here for Parse &/ Taylor rants!

1. The 1 - let’s be real you could read the entirety of this song as Kent, hopefully having now finally managed to move on from Jack, wistfully thinking back on how nice it would’ve have been if he had indeed been ‘the one’.

Lyrics that kind of hurt:

We were something, don’t you think so? And if my wishes came true It would've been you In my defense, I have none For never leaving well enough alone Rosé flowing with your chosen family And it would've been sweet If it could've been me In my defense, I have none For digging up the grave another time 2. Cardigan - So the concept of this song doesn’t directly relate to Kent but a few of the lines stick out to me a lot and I guess just generally this idea of ‘when you are young they assume you know nothing’ in the context of what Jack and Kent would have been going through when they were in Juniors.

Lyrics that stand out to my angsty heart:

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs The smell of smoke would hang around this long 'Cause I knew everything when I was young I knew I'd curse you for the longest time <--literally just Kent not being able to let go of Jack despite how long it’s been since the draft

3. My Tears Ricochet - Definitely don’t think about the idea of Kent loving Jack and being cut out and ignored following his overdose while listening to this song. ‘I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace’ when thinking about Kent visiting Jack at Samwell and being rejected, then lashing out is particularly painful okay. You could totally interpret a lot of this song as Kent lashing out at Jack and reminding him that he can cut him out and claim he’s moved on but he’ll always be a part of him and it just makes me sad to think about how that might not actually be true...

Lyrics that make me sad:

Even on my worst day Did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me? 'Cause I loved you I swear I loved you Till my dying day I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And you're the hero flying around saving face <--Jack getting to look like Kent attacked him for no reason as if he doesn’t also owe apologies 'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones <-- also kind of reminds me of Kent, in his anger when he turns up at Samwell, lashing out and saying that it’s people like him who still care about Jack no matter what

4. Mirrorball - okay literally just one line really sticks out to me and makes me sad so definitely don’t think about Kent having to hide who he is around the Aces, especially when Jack and Bitty kiss on the ice and he’s in the bar and someone whose name I’ve forgotten is being a homophobic dick, while Taylor sings “I'm a mirrorball I can change everything about me to fit in”

5. AUGUST - like the entire song basically? But like specifically these two boys have a month in the summer between winning the memorial cup and the draft and maybe Kent thinks it’s perfect and he’s so hopeful and he knows it has to end because they’re going to be on separate teams but maybe for him, just wanting them to be together is enough, at least for now. But everything goes wrong and Jack slips away and then they lose contact because Jack cuts him out and all Kent knows is that he should have known because he was never really his no matter how much he hoped that would be true. So now he just has those memories of the two of them together that one summer and maybe that kind of makes me want to cry?

Lyrics and sadnessss:

I never needed anything more Whispers Of "Are you sure?" "Never have I ever before" <-- just really hammering in that reminder that they were just kids before the draft But I can see us Lost in the memory August slipped away into a moment in time 'Cause it was never mine And I can see us twisted in bedsheets August sipped away Like a bottle of wine 'Cause you were never mine Will you call when you're back at school? I remember thinking I had you Wanting was enough For me, it was enough To live for the hope of it all Cancel plans just in case you'd call So much for summer love, and saying "Us" 'Cause you weren't mine to lose 6. This is Me Trying - Yikes, isn’t the title just a hypothetical Parse anthem though? Once again, not really exactly in the spirit of the actual song but I feel like so many of the lyrics apply? I mean, Kent turning up at Samwell vibes and once again he lashes out because he feels hurt but he’s trying. He doesn’t even know if Jack wants to see him but he’s hopeful so he turns up and he’s trying to be helpful and to reconnect but he’s still hurting even if Jack doesn’t seem to care? Also definitely don’t think about Kent in his first year in the NHL when he’s supposed to be living his dream and enjoying life, celebrating victories with his new team but all he can think about is Jack and how he may have hurt him and that he’s living the life he’s missing out on.

Lyrics I have emotions about:

I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that Pulled the car off the road to the lookout Could've followed my fears all the way down And maybe I don't quite know what to say But I'm here in your doorway <-- Kent turning up at Samwell not really knowing if Jack would want to see him but being so hopeful that he would just hurtssss I just wanted you to know That this is me trying And at least I’m trying

And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that

And it's hard to be at a party When I feel like an open wound It's hard to be anywhere these days When all I want is you

7. Illicit Affairs - Ooooh boy, we’re back to entire songs that remind me of Kent and Jack and pre-draft sadness. So cannon Jack might claim that they never really dated and doesn’t that hurt even more if you consider Kent thinking they’re basically dating in secret only for Jack to overdose, then cut him off completely and deny that what they had ever involved any real emotions on his part? So here’s where illicit affairs makes me want to sob. Definitely don’t think about them having a secret ‘relationship’ that starts off because they’re just such close friends, the best friend either one of them has ever had, but they’re also both closeted professional hockey players and horny teenagers let’s be honest, and what starts off as raw moments of honesty and closeness between them get’s slowly corrupted because they have to hide it all, and they have the draft to think about, and Jack has his anxiety etc. And maybe Jack doesn’t call him kid or baby but he does call him Kenny like nobody else does and Kent would ruin himself if it meant he could have Jack back, would give him anything, would get him a spot on the Aces so they can finally play together like they were supposed to...This song makes me sad.

Lyrics that hurt especially (might as well post the entire song here tbh):

And that's the thing about illicit affairs And clandestine meetings And longing stares It's born from just one single glance But it dies and it dies and it dies ...a million little times / They show their truth one single time But they lie and they lie and they lie ...a million little times

So you leave no trace behind Like you don't even exist Take the words for what they are A dwindling, mercurial high A drug that only worked The first few hundred times

And you wanna scream Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this idiotic fool that you made me You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else And you know damn well For you I would ruin myself ...a million little times

8. Invisible Strings - Is this song too happy for my feelings about Kent most of the time? Probably, but basically any ship that ends in Kent/Happiness could apply to this song and that’s the reason it stays on this list. So basically think about Kent being happy and moving on with someone who’s so so good for him and helps him heal and then reconsider this song with that in mine.

Lyrics to think about:

Time, Mystical time Cutting me open, then healing me fine

A string that pulled me Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire Chains around my demons Wool to brave the seasons One single thread of gold tied me to you Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart Now I send their babies presents <- the idea of Kent moving on and no longer having confrontations with Jack whenever they meet but instead being happy for him too makes me so happy

9. Betty - Okay once again the actual idea of this song, definitely doesn’t directly apply but hear me out. Kent turning up at Samwell wanting to be heard out by Jack. Maybe it doesn’t happen directly after the event so he’s not ‘only 17′ but he effectively is and he doesn’t know anything really. He didn’t at the time the overdose happened and he never got the chance to deal with it properly because Jack cut him out so he still doesn’t really know anything. All he knows is that he misses Jack and he wants to play with him again and wants them to get back to where they used to be, to where they’re suppose to be. And if he insulting Jack’s team isn’t James (Taylor’s POV) singing about Betty’s ‘stupid friends’ then idk what else to say. Why does this song scream Kent so much to me despite being about a random 17 year old boy who cheated on his girlfriend?

Lyrics I want to scream about:

Betty, I won't make assumptions about why you switched your homeroom But I think it's 'cause of me <--so obvs not homeroom but please don’t think about Kent thinking that Jack overdosed and decided not to go to the NHL after her recovered because of him

But if I just showed up at your party Would you have me? Would you want me? Would you tell me to go fuck myself Or lead me to the garden? I'm only seventeen I don't know anything but I know I miss you <--maybe he’s not 17 but he’s basically still just a kid whenever Jack’s involved

Betty, I'm here on your doorstep And I planned it out for weeks now but, it's finally sinking in Betty, right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again The only thing I wanna do Is make it up to you So, I showed up at your party Will you have me? Will you love me? Will you kiss me on the porch in front of all your stupid friends? If you kiss me Will it be just like I dreamed it? Will it patch your broken wings?

I definitely have more to say on this but this is already so long so that’s it for now, might continue on some other time?

#kent parson #omgcheckplease #parsepositive #angst #taylor swift #folklore #jack zimmermann #I have too many emotions about fictional characters #literally just thinking about August and Illicit Affairs in relation to Kent makes me want to cry

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afriendlyphobia · 5 years ago

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“Got My Ion You”

pairing: Spider-man/peter parker x reader

genre: flufff

warnings: none :)

Request?

word count: 2.6k

A/n: tbh i got this idea while i was cleaning my room. so idk if it even makes sense and i haaaate itttt also this is the longest one shot fic i’ve ever written lord help me

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You looked up from your homework, chewing on the end of your pencil lightly. It was a habit that you had never been able to let go, but you claimed it helped you “think better”. You eyes narrowed in on your best friend who was currently lounging next to you on his phone.

“Hey Pete.” The brunette looked over at you, eyes wide with a puzzled expression.

“Exactly how does being on your phone help you with studying for finals?” You questioned him jokingly. After all, he was the one who had begged you to come over and study claiming that he couldn’t focus alone.

“I already know all the material.” He shrugged, going back to scroll through his feed.

Your eyebrows bumped together and confusion. “Then why did you beg and plead to come study with me?”

“Is there a problem with me wanting to hang out with my best friend since second grade?” He questioned you innocently, rolling onto his stomach. He placed his head on his palms and blinked at you with puppy eyes.

Okay, you had to admit he had a point. The two of you were practically inseparable. From spending almost everyday together or on video call to constantly texting, you almost considered him your brother.

Almost.

See, you happened to have a rather huge crush on none other than Peter Parker. You’d started having feelings for him nearly two years ago, and assumed that the butterflies would die in a few month. But you were wrong...so wrong.

The butterflies had seemed to multiply and now you were in love with the curly haired, starry-eyed, beautiful boy whom you called your friend...and nothing more.

But there was nothing you could do to fix your problem. You risked a lot by telling him about your feelings. Peter wasn’t the type to stop being friends with you just because you liked him, but you didn’t want to ruin things and make it awkward.

It was cliche, you knew that. But this was real life. Things don’t work like those movies and books do...right?

What you didn’t know is that Peter wasn’t much better off that you. He had liked you since, well, you first met him. He had just never said anything due to the same reasons you had.

That and recently Peter had started having a growing attraction to someone he could never tell you about in a million years.

You shook your head, coming back to reality, and rolled your eyes at him. “What are you doing anyway?”

He showed the screen of his phone to you before moving it back. “Reading science pick up lines.” He said, as if the pastime was completely normal.

“Oooooh~ Peterrr wanna tell me about her?” You cooed, mimicking a basic highschool girl while moving closer to him.

“Nahhh.” He rolled over onto his side so his back was facing you. “Don’t think I will.”

You’d be a liar if you didn’t admit that you’re heart dropped for a second. But how could you not expect him to have a crush on someone else. Honestly you were surprised he didn’t even have anyone in the first place considering how beautiful and perfect he was.

You didn’t reply, only going back to study your notes. Your answer being in the form of the sound of you writing.

“Do you wanna hear one?” His soft voice asked after a few seconds of silence.

You signed and slowly nodded without looking up, but you could just tell he was beaming at the moment.

“Ok ok... So. My love for you is like the universe.” You raised an eyebrow at him. “Never ending!”

His face almost made you laugh, but just for the spite of it, you kept a straight face and slowly shook your head in fake disapproval.

“Not feelin it?”

“Try another one, Champ.” You rolled your eyes, a tiny smile pulling at your lips.

“Fine.” He sighed, scrolling through his phone for another second before glancing at you. “Do you like science? Cuz i’ve got my ion you.”

The joke was bad enough, but Peter, being the little shit he is, added a wink into the mix. To avoid blushing madly from the tiny gesture, you picked up a pillow and threw it at him as hard as possible.

“What the—Ouch!” He flailed off the bed, exaggerating his pain and rolled around on the floor. “Oh i’m wounded!” He groaned before picking the same weapon up and chucking it back at you.

You ducked, missing his attack completely. You smiled widely at him, holding up two middle fingers innocently.

“You’re the worst.” You rolled your eyes, a tiny giggle still detectable in your voice. “You and your pick-up lines.”

“Hey, I’m just warming up.” Peter sat up, pushing the messy curls from his eyes. “You must be a 90 degree angle because to me, you look just right.”

“PETER!” You yelled, once again chucking the pillow back at him. This time however, you were giggling at his stupid self. It wasn’t long before he too joined you as a laughing mess. All which was music to your ears.

~•~

The next day was an absolute roller coaster for you. It started out like any normal day, but after getting an Avengers alert in the middle of AP Chem, things got a little crazy.

That would be your third unexcused absence that week. If you kept your side job up, your mother would start to wonder what you were doing instead.

Of course it wasn’t your fault, it was either get perfect attendance or save the world. You chose the latter.

Stumbling out of school, you ran into a abandoned alley way and began hurriedly stripping out of your school clothes, revealing the slightly armored spandex suit that was hidden beneath. You shuffled through your bag, pulling out the black, red, and silver mask.

You stuffed your school back in its normal hiding spot before running down the alley, failing to notice the webbed (in plain sight) backpack also there.

“Hey. F.R.I.D.A.Y.?” You tapped your temple.

“Yes, Ms. L/N?” The automated voice responded.

“Pick me up.”

“Already on it, look behind you.” You glanced over your shoulder, smiling under your mask as your similarly colored motorcycle approached from behind.

Doing a backflip at exactly the right moment, you landed perfectly on the seat of your ride. Gripping the handles, your sped up, moving faster towards the indicated spot on your mask’s digital map.

“Incoming call from: Spider-Man.” You raised your eyebrows at the notification but told F.R.I.D.A.Y. to answer it.

“Hey Webhead!” You greeted your partner. Without the original Avengers around to protect Manhattan, the two of you had become the next generation. The dynamic duo. Partners in fighting crime. “How’s downtown looking?”

You heard incoherent sarcastic mumbling before getting a reply. “Looks like a giant mechanic thingy.”

“Thingy? Very professional.”

“—Shut up. You’re late anyway.”

You swerved hard around a truck, leaning in order to make it in time before oncoming traffic reached you. “Sorry we live in Manhattan. Traffic isn’t always ideal.” You rolled your eyes at your partner.

“Wanna take the high route?” You could hear the ‘thwip’ sound of his webshooters, knowing that he was already in his way.

You didn’t reply, just ended the call and gave F.R.I.D.A.Y a quick command. “Hey take over for me, will you?”

“Of course.”

You let go of the handle bars, raising one arm, knowing your spider-friend wasn’t far away.

A gloved hands clasped your semi-covered one and pulled you into the air.

“Yoink!” You looked up at the hero, knowing that he was grinning behind his mask.

“Really? Every time?” Your mask’s eyes narrowed at him in faux disapproval.

He shrugged, using the momentum of swinging to pull you up against his body. You wrapped your arms around his neck, allowing him to let go of you and use both hands to swing through the city. You could feel his heart beat, and it was racing. You could only assume he was nervous about the fight; you were too.

The two of you were close, fighting crime together for almost a year now was one of the factors. However, you didn’t really know who he actually was.

It was a promise you both made when you signed up for the job. You weren’t gonna let your personal lives get mixed with your hero lives. It was sensible, but it didn’t keep you from wondering what he looked like under than mask. You’d be naive to assume he never thought the same.

Not long after, the two of you were standing on a rooftop, watching as the giant mechanical monster worked it’s way towards the heart of Manhattan.

You breathed out an exasperated breath as you watched it. “Hydra again?”

Spider-Man crossed his arms across his chest and shrugged. “I’m assuming so. Looks tougher than last time though.”

“Don’t be a whimp.” You shrugged, attempting to mask the worry in your own voice. “You ready to go, Spidey?”

He looked from you, to the machine, then back to you. “Ready as I’ll ever be.” He held out his hand, ready for your famous handshake.

You smiled, following his lead before jumping into action.

~i can’t write fight scenes help~

Nearly two hours later, you sat on the same rooftop from before as a bruised, sweaty, and bloody mess. You could feel the wounds healing due to your healing factor, but it hurt none the less.

Spider-man has dropped you off (per your command) and was dealing with the clean up and press. but you expected him to be back at any moment.

As if he had heard your thoughts, the masked web-slinger showed up. He landed on the rooftop, his body language showing how exhausted he really was.

He stumbled over to you, sliding down the same half wall you rested against.

“Back from the red carpet?” You quipped, trying to control your heaving breathing.

“Har. Har.” He mock laughed, placing a hand over the burned scar on his abdomen while wincing.

He glanced at you, one of his fiberglass eye-lenses was cracked, giving you the first look at his real eyes you had ever seen. But there was something else, the tiny part of his cheek you could seen was...pink? Was he blushing?

You shook your head. No, of course not. He was probably just worn out.

But his eyes didn’t leave your figure. They were searching you, even though most of your face was covered (except for the parts now exposed from cuts and burns).

But there was something familiar about those eyes. Something that you couldn’t put your together due to your hazy, tired mind.

Your partner seemed to be thinking something similar as you. But he gave up, resting his head back against the wall and sighed heavily.

“Hey.” He breathed, not looking at you. You didn’t verbal reply, just looking at you with tired eyes. “Do you like science?”

You raised you eyebrow, mouth moving to open as you finally began to piece two and two together.

“Cuz I’ve got my ion you.” Laughing breathlessly at his joke, the hero attempted to lighten the mood. the effort caused him to wince several times during the process.

“Wha...what the?” You slowly sat up, eyes widening. “Peter..?”

The visible eye widened in shock. “Uh, uh.” He cleared his throat, lowering his voice. “What are you talkin—“ You pulled off you mask, eyes still wide with surprise. “Y/N?!!”

Spider-man reached up and pulled up off his own mask, his eyes nearly as wide as yours.

There sat your childhood best friend, bruised from battle, with his mouth hanging wide open.

“How can this be?” He asked, his voice going an octave higher as he stuttered. “My best friend is also my hero partner? That’s crazy, i mean, what are the chances of that? And to think I stopped liking you because i thought i had no chance and I started liking your alter ego—wait, shit.” He covered his mouth with his hands.

“Peter...?” Leaning towards him, your voice fell to just barely above a whisper. “You like...me?”

“Well I...” He glanced at you and pushed back his messy curls from his forehead. “Yes...I like you. I’ve liked you ever since we met.” He admitted sheepishly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You asked softly, already knowing the reason.

“Because...you just seemed so out of my league.” He glanced down at his hands, fidgeting nervously with the webshooters. “You’re amazing, sweet, kind, and absolutely beautiful. Plus we have such an amazing friendship I—“ He took a deep breath when you placed your own hand over his, slowly interlocking them.

He looked up at you, a sudden wave of boldness washing through his veins. “—I don’t wanna just be your friend.”

His free hand moved up to cup your cheek; his eyes glanced from your eyes to your lips. “I want to be more.” He breathed.

You didn’t reply, your actions speaking for you as you leaned closer to him.

“Can I..?” Peter asked, unsure suddenly as doubts began to flood his mind.

You could tell he was about to say something else, but before he could say anything, you gently pressed your lips against his.

And suddenly a beautiful feeling washed over you. Those butterflies you had been holding onto seemed to burst into freedom. Your lips moved in sync, like they were made to be together.

Peter’s hands found your hips naturally, holding onto you as if you were his lifeline. You hands wrapped around his neck, fingers twirling gently in his soft hair.

Pulling back for hair, your chests heaved, but you kept your forehead pressed against his.

“Hey Pete?” You asked softly.

He hummed in response, face still red and heart pounding.

“I think...I love you.” You whispered now only a few centimeters from his lips.

Peter’s heart skipped a beat when you said those words. Those magical words he never thought he would hear you say. He bit his lips, savoring the sound of you saying it play over and over in his mind.

“Can you..” He hesitated. “Can you say that again?”

Your eyebrows bumped together as you leaned back to get a better look at him. “I love you?”

Like a giddy middle school girl, he fell backwards, nearly giggling from all the emotions that were coursing through him.

“Oh my god, Y/N!” He laughed, covering his face with his hands before jumping up.

“I love you. I love you. I love you!” He laughed, forgetting all previous pain. You looked at him, smiling at how genuinely happy he was. He reached a hand out to you, pulling you up.

He twirled you around, causing you to giggle at his pure reaction to the event. Coming back in from the twirl, you wrapped your arms around his torso, hugging him tightly.

He laughed softly, resting his head in the crook of your neck, beaming like a little kid in a candy store.

“Are you less than 90 degrees?”

“Peter, don’t you dare—“

“Cause you’re acute girl!” He laughed, and you pushed away from him, punching his chest (lightly of course). He laughed, giving you the biggest grin possible. “You know you love me.” He smirked, winking at you.

You blushed, shaking your head as you crossed your arms. “Yeah..” You huffed. “Yeah I love you..”

You smiled at each other, getting lost in the magic of the night.

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ninjafrogofhnm · 5 years ago

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🍼 🏡 ❔- Bash ❔ - Bastard

@irenefondorn ohhoho getting an early start on planning our monolith aren’t we? xD Buckle up this is gonna be a long one

🍼 Does your OC have any children or want children? What names would they pick? Are they good with kids or a complete disaster?

I mean he has Ellia of course in the way that we’ve all wholesale adopted her as our daughter despite literally any alternative probably having been a better plan. xD Honestly, though, before Ellia Bash didn’t have much experience with young children and thought he was the kind of person who didn’t want children/to be around children much but now he’s not as sure. He loves Ellia to pieces and, while he doubts he’d particularly wants kids of his own, wouldn’t be opposed to being around kids more in the future. With Ellia as his only measure I honestly couldn’t say but I think he’d be okay with most kids though not great, Bash’s default is sarcasm and silence which doesn’t always work out great with kids.

🏡 Describe your OCs ideal house! Give us a tour around! What’s their garden like? Their bedroom? Kitchen? Where is it and how many people live there?

Ohhh never thought about it tbh I’ve never pictured Bash settled down in one place for long. I think something fairly small and cozy, near a decent sized town but still a little removed with as nice a kitchen as he can manage and a small garden just outside split between cooking and medicinal plants. A small shed-like building a bit separated to be used as a workspace for creating poultices/other mundane remedies as well as doubling as a kind of medic station if people come needing healing. The smallest room in the house would be his bedroom, comfortable but fairly barren - only really used to sleep - but every spare surface around the house would be filled with books.

And, of course, there would be enough room set aside to host all of the Silver Tongues if they came by. Or lived there.

❓ A random fact or short drabble! Or make up your own question to ask the OC!

“Why did I even wake up this morning?”

With a groan that was as much annoyance as it was pain Bash rolled over onto his back, dislodging a veritable avalanche of dust and pebbles from his clothes, and assessed his situation. A glance up at the steep side of the ravine – from which he’d oh so gracefully plummeted – made him think he was lucky he hadn’t broken anything. Bruised to the abyss and back, sure, but a quick stretch confirmed he gotten nothing worse than a few scratches from the fall.

A blessing given he now had to find a way back out of the ravine and to the Enclave before Leal realized he was missing.

This groan was entirely annoyance but there was nothing to do for it but get up and get moving.

Back on his feet he shook his hair out of his eyes – the leather band he’d tied the chin length strands back with must of come off in the fall. He looked around hoping to spot it amongst the scree but his attention was instead diverted by a hint of movement near a small boulder a dozen feet away.

He froze in place – there were a lot of things more dangerous than a gangly teenage half-orc in these mountains after all – but when nothing appeared howling for his blood after a long moment he cautiously made his way closer rather than away, his curiosity beating out common sense.

‘What else was new,’ a dark part of his mind whispered. He batted it away like an annoying fly.

At the base of the boulder, mostly hidden in its shadow, was a half-grown lynx laid out limply with dark red blood matted into the fur of its back where sizable talons had raked across in search of a meal. Only the sporadic twitch of its tail gave lie to the appearance of death the creature exuded.

Of course that too would still before long, the lynx wouldn’t survive the night if Bash had to guess.

The smart thing to do would be to ignore the cat and get started on finding a way out of this hole he’d found himself in, if he moved quickly he might even make it back before dinner, but almost without intending to he found himself instead kneeling next to it.

He sighed at himself, trying to ignore the thought of damnably patient gray eyes that had prodded him forward.

“This isn’t even going to work.” He grumbled, not that there was anyone here to hear him besides the pain-dazed animal. Still he gently laid his hand on the least damaged bit of cat he could find, closed his eyes, and tried to focus like Leal always instructed him to. ‘Focus on Mishakal, reach out to her and ask that she grant you the power you need. Let her grace flow through you, see it knitting the flesh back together-’

He recited the lesson in his mind, eyes scrunched shut and reaching with everything he had.

Nothing.

He opened his eyes, jaw clenched as he pulled his hand back from the still-dying cat. He’d failed, just another failure in a long line of them – a lifetime of them – but this time there was no one there to fix what was broken.

His eyes burned and he angrily blinked back the tears.

‘This is stupid of course I couldn’t do it. I don’t know why Leal would even think I cou-’ His breath caught as a flash of unnatural warmth flared in his chest, a faint tingling of magic he’d only even been on the receiving end of.

He looked down in shock at his hands as faint sparks of blue light danced over his fingers and, before he could think his way into messing this up, pressed his hands back to the lynx’s side.

The blue magic slid from his fingers to the lynx, sinking into its skin. Almost immediately the gouges stopped bleeding and slowly began to close, new skin blooming over wounds like they’d been healing for weeks.

Finally the magic died away again, the flesh under his hands now whole, leaving him kneeling – tired but strangely light – next to the cat.

“I did it?” He whispered disbelievingly to himself, thoughtlessly scooping the lynx up for a better look. “I did i- ow!”

A shock of pain sliced down the left side of his face and he instinctively dropped the cat who’d clawed him. Luckily she seemed more interested in getting away from him then doing more damage, jumping out of reach with a threatening hiss.

“You’re welcome.” He grumbled under his breath, pressing his sleeve up against the gashes across his eyebrow to staunch the bleeding as the lynx gave a displeased twitch of her tail and started to scramble up the rock face with a dignity he could never hope to duplicate.

Still, despite the fresh blood streaming down his cheek, Bash felt his lips twitch up in the first genuine smile he’d felt in a long time.

Maybe today hadn’t been so bad after all.

❓ A random fact or short drabble! Or make up your own question to ask the OC!

Lathander, despite being a bit of a stone cold bastard, really loves his mother. After his piece of shit dad died and he started getting more caught up in some of the more illegal dealings of his hometown, he’d saved up a decent bit of money and used it to buy his mom a place in a small town a ways away from the city where she could safely retire without getting caught up in dangerous dealings but also where she would have the security of knowing she would never be kicked back out onto the streets, something neither of them had ever had before.

#silver tongues #dnd #asks #hooooo boy that is way too long sorry about that #shaylan 'why write one word when you could write eighty instead' strikes again #xD

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letsgobethegoodguys · 5 years ago

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What are your fav Cas moments? (This may or may not be Star Wars AU related)

Okay! This took me ages because I wanted to think of things that would be specifically helpful for your AU 🙈 But I decided to just go ahead and ramble and let you see if anything works for you since, y'know, you’re the only one who will actually know what you can use. 😅 Anyway, I love the opportunity to talk about our sweet angel. His character development is very important to me. 😢 This is gonna get really, really long and I’ll probably end up reblogging to add stuff as I remember more scenes, so set aside a solid chunk of time to read this, and buckle up. Just remember, you asked for this. 😏

I think my all-time favorite Cas moments are in the episode ‘First Born’ in season 9. I mean, you really see his development so fully. And it’s such a good episode for Sam too, UGH. First, Cas is so freaking cute about the peanut butter and jelly sandwich not tasting the same since he’s no longer human (always jelly - not jam, he found it “unsettling”). I mean, he actually says, “I miss you PB&J.” We stan a dork. (Also, Sam taking a little swipe from Cas’ sandwich? Just kill me. It’s so cute). And don’t get me started on the “You have a Guinea pig?” line, accompanied by his adorable, confused head tilt. I love this soft boy.

Cas comes up with the idea to extract Gadreel’s grace from Sam, but it’s gonna hurt like crazy, so he is extremely reluctant to do it. (Flash forward to Cas saying, “I won’t hurt you, Sam” in 'Peace of Mind’ - but we’ll come back to that episode). As Cas is extracting the grace, he tries to stop repeatedly because he can’t stand to see Sam suffering. But Sam insists that he keep going. Because Sam feels so guilty for what Gadreel did. And I love Cas’ line, “Why must the Winchesters run toward death?” He says that when he was human he learned, “that all life is precious, and must be protected at all costs.” That’s another thing I have always loved about Cas. His love for humanity. (in season 8, I think, he says something like, “Watching humanity never gets old, does it?”) He has always believed that humans are God’s greatest creation. Flawed and imperfect, but beautiful in their imperfection. Special and unique and precious.

Quick aside (not actually very quick, of course, because it’s me talking) - The scene in 'Ouroboros’ where he talks to Jack about loss is another fave of mine. “Humans burn bright, but for a very short time compared to things like you and me.” More evidence that he just loves… people. Specifically Sam and Dean, of course. But he loves humanity so much. (Even more than humanity’s ACTUAL creator tbh). “The point is that you got to know them at all. When they’re gone, it will hurt. But that pain will remind you how much you loved them.” Also, Cas is very fast and loose with the word “love” in recent seasons which I absolutely adore. Like in season 12 when he was dying and he used what he thought was his last breath to say, “I love you. I love all of you.” And he so easily told his son, “Because I love you, Jack. Sam and Dean, they love you.” And Jack certainly learned that from him - our nougat boy says “love” quite a bit too. (It would take me another insanely long ramble to talk about my favorite Jack moments, of course. Luckily, you know them all already 😉).

Alright, back to 'First Born’. Cas keeps going with the extraction because Sam begs him to. Sam is overcome with guilt over Kevin’s death. And he feels utterly useless. “Please help me do this one good thing,” Sam pleads with Cas. Cas’ empathy for Sam is what convinces the angel to keep going.

He finally stops when Sam is on the verge of death, blood pouring from his nose, eyes unfocused. Cas smooths his hand through Sam’s hair, gently removes the needle, and heals all of Sam’s wounds.

So here we go. This may be my favorite Cas moment ever. He looks at Sam. This broken, crushed shell of a man, haunted by mistakes that weren’t his, struggling with feelings of unworthiness and overwhelming, gut-wrenching guilt, unable to recover from the violation of having his agency taken away by his brother. Sam was almost hoping to die from the extraction of the angel grace left inside him. Moments before, he hinted at wishing he had completed the trials and died in that church, finally resting, with Dean holding him. But in this moment, Cas doesn’t let Sam sacrifice himself. Instead, he looks at Sam.

And he says, “Nothing is worth losing you.”

I just, I love that line so much. How desperately must Sam have needed to hear that, especially then… UGH.

I want to stop here because I’m an emotional wreck from reliving that scene, but I have more to say. So I’ll wipe my tears, and keep going.

Last note on 'First Born’ - this is where Sam teaches Cas how to hug (I think it’s important to note that Dean has already hugged Cas at this point, in Purgatory, but Cas’ response was a look of confusion and arms still hanging loosely by his side). When Cas doesn’t respond to Sam’s hug, our tall boy awkwardly says, “This is the part where you hug back.” And Cas’s little “Oh,” kills me. Then the way Sam pats Cas’ neck after the hug is so very affectionate and also so very Dean and I love it. UGH. So, anyway, that’s my favorite episode for Cas, probably. It may be the one that made me fall completely head-over-heels for him, although I always loved Cas.

This is already entirely too long, but here are some other favorite Cas moments/quirks:

- All of his hugs. He’s very much a hug-until-the-other-person-lets-go kind of hugger. And I love that about him. His hands usually linger on the other person’s shoulders or sides after a hug too, which is adorable.

- Him looking for Sam in 'Peace of Mind’. “I’m looking for my partner. Tall man. Hair. He has beautiful hair?”

- Cas being sassy and 1000% done with everyone at all times. For example, “I don’t wear a hat!” And “You know what I like about him? He’s sarcastic, but he’s also thoughtful and appreciative.” And “If I plan to do anything else stupid, I’ll let you know.” And “I used to lead armies, but now I’m stuck with a talking dog and a scruffy philistine.” And “These are my friends. My friends who don’t listen very well.” Et cetera, et cetera. (I really don’t know if those quotes are exactly right but I will not be looking them all up right now 😅)

- Cas saying to Jack, “To be fair, we all got punched in the face.”

- Cas trying (and often failing) to make appropriate pop culture references or use common expressions. “I thought you were gonna sleep until the cows dragged you home.”

- Random dialogue thing. Cas is the only character who really says, “Oh, (insert character’s name here)”. I just find that really cute and soft? He says, “Oh, Sam” multiple times that I can think of. Like when he saw what breaking the wall in Sam’s head did to him. He’s also definitely said, “Oh, Dean” at some point. And when a teary-eyed Jack said, “I don’t have anything”, Cas replied, “Oh, Jack. That’s just not true. You’ve got me.” Maybe this is a weird thing to point out. But I really love this quirk of his and it’s so unique to him.

Okay, that’s it for now. Gosh, I hope any part of this is useful for you, my dear friend. I’m sorry it got so terribly long. I had more to say than I thought. And like I said, I may come up with more. But maybe this has just been me rambling unhelpfully, so we’ll see if I actually add to it. 😅 Anyway, I’m so honored that you asked me! I love you, Kyler! 😁

#long post #why can't i do a read more link on mobile??#sorry this got so long everyone 🙈#spn meta #kinda #steph talks #spn #angst queen kyler #if anyone read this whole things and has any other fave moments - feel free to add them!#i'm sure i missed some golden cas moments #anyway i love him #this should count as my contribution to hiatus creations this week #thanks again kyler ily <3 #sorry if any quotes are wrong i did not go back to rewatch these episodes before posting this

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mimibunny46 · 6 years ago

Text

Peraltas stick together

Ok so here’s my attempt at another “Peraltiago” fic. Tbh I’m pissed at myself for writing something this sad, but anyways... Jake and Amy’s daughter is named Emilia btw.

Amy is gone. She is gone, and all he's left with is are the well-meaning casseroles and a wildly confused and still grieving daughter. Her eyes beg the age-old question, "where's Mummy?", yet she's rapidly matured, knowing that those questions will only bring further grief.

They spend long nights together, and little Emilia fills what was Amy's side of the bed. The first few nights, they were numb, and miraculously drifted off from emotional exhaustion.

The next few nights, slumber didn't arrive nearly as easily. All either of them could think about was the cutout of Amy that would be left in their lives. Every morning, they'd wake up, fully expecting her to already be downstairs, reading over some case files while making eggs. Every day, Emilia would run out of school, realizing halfway out of the classroom door that she couldn't excitedly recall the day's events with her mother.

The Nine-Nine tries to help, they really do. Charles takes Jake on long walks just to get him out of the house and have someone there. Rosa and Gina try their best to be as understanding and caring as possible, hanging out with Emilia and trying to make it as normal as possible, while also allowing her to process her feelings. Holt delivers Kevin’s home-cooked meals every day, because he knows Jake will inevitably forget to feed himself and his daughter. Terry watches Emilia whenever he can, just so Jake can have time alone to think, to process, and he helps Emilia deal with her seemingly never-ending grief and most of all—confusion.

Everyday after school, one of the 99 picks up Emilia from school, and she simply wanders around for a bit. The day after the accident, she had been picked up by Rosa, and she’d immediately asked to go there.

“Tía Rosa, can we go to the precinct?”

Rosa hadn’t been sure of how to respond, was it better not to bring her; or would it be better to allow her to confront her feelings? In the end, she couldn’t say no, but everyone (even Captain Holt) had nearly burst into tears when Emilia had strode straight to her mother’s desk, exactly the same way Amy had done every day. Then she’d pulled out the binders, and read through them all. After that, she’d started making a new binder, filling it with things that reminded Emilia of her mother. All the cases she’d ever worked, every single report she’d ever filed, all the receipts from vacations and certificates from seminars she’d taken.

Bringing with the grief of losing his wife, the worst of all is the shame of feeling like a worthless father. Jake had become everything he’d promised not to be—distant, the only constant being constant absence from his child’s life. This absence isn’t simple vacancy, it’s not being able to function as a human, but wondering why it’s so difficult. Why it’s so difficult to simply pull himself up, to break through that seemingly invisible wall. And Jake hates himself for that fact, he really does.

On one of their silent walks around the park and down the streets of Brooklyn, Jake finally breaks down. Between sobs, he tells Charles that it’s become impossible to talk to his daughter, because her mere face and existence reminds him so much of Amy that it feels like a knife in the heart. That sometimes; he’ll think of a stupid quip or line that would make Amy roll her eyes and then laugh, and the pain will replenish itself. That he wishes that somehow, he could’ve prevented his wife from running into that school, from trying to save all those kids while doing the job she loved so dearly. That he already missed for the life they had ahead, and the life calendar that hurt too much to take down stared him in the face every morning, slapping him awake to their new reality.

All Charles wants to do is wrap his dear friend up in a blanket burrito and tell him that eventually, it’ll be alright somehow. That time always heals wounds. So that’s exactly what he does.

Jake hates those answers, because they’re so stupidly cliché, and how the hell could they help now? The only thing that’s making him feel the slightest bit better is Orange Drank, but even that reminds him of Amy, the way she’d always make fun of him for drinking the fluorescent orange liquid.

So instead, they break a few plates. It sounds like a Greek wedding in Charles’ home, but if that’s the only thing that made his best friend feel remotely okay, then you’d better bet that’s the damn thing that Charles Boyle would do.

Eventually, Emilia and Jake can begin to talk about her, and they manage to go through a Costco-sized box of tissues in a night. And sometimes Emilia will see some binder somewhere, and point it out to Jake, saying that “Mom would love that.” So they buy it, and use it as the binder dedicated to Amy’s memory. It’s got rainbow cascading tabs, and Emilia even calligraphs her mother’s name on the front with a fancy brush pen.

“Mummy would be proud,” Jake says softly as he watches Emilia carefully write out Amy’s name.

Not having a mother is hard, sure, but their nine-nine family tries their hardest. When Emilia gets her first period, Sharon comes over and explains everything for her, even taking her to CVS and showing her all the different kinds of products to use. While it’s incredibly embarrassing, she’s still incredibly grateful. Rosa and Gina interrogate her first boyfriend, Rosa swinging an axe around threateningly and Gina rating him on her “Linetti Level Hotness Scale” (he’s only half a Ryan Reynolds, but Emilia still likes him all the same).

Jake tries his absolute hardest to be a great parent, making an effort to be at all her games and performances, cheering on her every victory and helping her learn through each failure (If there’s anything he knows about the Santiagos, it’s that they don’t take well to failure). They have their moments where it gets tough, where Emilia just wishes that she could have her mother there, and where Jake has no idea what the hell he’s doing, if only he had his wife to guide him through all of this mad world. But through everything they heal, they live, they love, they laugh, and they always stick together.

#brooklyn nine nine #amy santiago #forgive me for writing this #tbh im mad at MYSELF #sad fic #grief #angst #emilia santiago #jake and amy #peraltiago #fanfic #brooklyn 99 #jake peralta #b99

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girlbookwrm · 6 years ago

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i DO recommend these fics, but this ISN’T actually a rec list

a while ago i did a meta about Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier and Hydra and the headcanons I put in The Terror of Knowing, and I mentioned that I wanted to compile a long-ass list of fics that inspired The Hundred Year Playlist and ppl (hi @conlatio and @marveluc) asked about it SO HERE, AT LONG FUCKING LAST, IT IS.

Fanfiction, like every other art form that has ever existed in the history of ever, is all about synthesis: combining pre-existing elements to make something new. It’s the making something new thing that’s exciting. (If you’re not making something new with your found material, that’s called plaigiarism and it’s distinctly uncool.)

When I was in college and grad school, if we used material from other scholars to make a new idea, we made sure to include a bibliography.

Now this is fic, so like. Everyone knows that we’re using found material. We put the fandom in the tags and everything. But there’s a lot of unseen inspiration, because it’s harder to tag all the fics and metas you read that gave you ideas and inspiration along the way.

I’m... making an attempt.

These are some, SOME of the fics that inspired the headcanons and characterizations and whatnot that then got incorporated into THYP. I’ve been reading MCU fic since 2014 (possibly earlier) and I didn’t even start thinking about THYP until 2017, so there’s probably a lot of stuff that went into my subconscious that I’ve forgotten about. I’m @ing the authors and sources when I know them, but if any of yall want me to like, un-@you (is that a thing??) or if any of you know of authors who have tumblrs that I DIDN’T @ but should have, pls let me knoooowwww

A (Probably Incomplete, but at least Attempted) Fanfic Bibliography for The Hundred Year Playlist

by Seriously I Don’t Have More Important Things To Do? Astonishing.

PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS IN THE FICS THEMSELVES. THYP may be rated T for Teen (and even that I debate about tbh, given all the swears and violence) but most of these fics are very emphatically not. some of them will probably squick you out, some of them might be triggering, so take care of yourselves.

I’ve divided the list into sections by the story they inspired, but all of these stories inspired all the parts of THYP, this is a very very very rough categorization. Think of it as my fanfic n headcanon spice rack. some stories are going to have more or less of one spice or another.

Dreamers With Empty Hands

All the Angels and the Saints by @cesperanza

"You're a brutal person, you know that? You're always rummaging through my guts with your bare hands!" and then Bucky turned away, his long, muscled back curving as he sat on the edge of the bed, hunched and struggling for breath. Steve wanted to draw him, and he also wanted to blot the image from his memory: this picture of Bucky in despair.

Speranza’s Socialist Steve is deeply flawed in a way that people don’t usually write him and i love it so much??? He’s angry, and egotistical, and righteous in a way that’s hard on the people around him and I was like YESGOOD MORE PLS. It’s also a masterful example of how to write a story that’s ostensibly Steve-POV but still manages to make Bucky not only a main player, but a driving force. It’s about Steve, on the surface, sure. But it’s also about Bucky, because Steve is about Bucky and I just *clenches fist* love it.

cascades.

This fic. THIS FIC. Hngh. Okay so this fic is good on so many levels, but for THYP, the takeaway was me very gently lifting the Bucky-Steve-Barnes Family dynamic and then adding more swears to get to my take on the Bucky-Steve-Barnes Family Dynamic. Namely:

“Steve was a bit of a Barnes, too, wasn’t he,” she says.

“He was ours,” says Rebecca, shrugging. “We were his.”

i crie???

More Man Than You

“You’re very pretty,” she said, and Steve tensed up.

“I’m not a fairy.”

“No, you’re not, are you?”

this fic has a study guide. and that’s literally all I feel I need to say about it. It’s an exploration of queer culture and masculinity in the 30s and 40s, thinly veiled as stucky fanfiction. (It’s also pretty brutal so I’ll reiterate that you need to heed the goddamn warnings)

Also, lest yall think I came up with Billy Thompson in a vacuum, I didn’t. In this fic, there’s a violent mob runner called Duke, and Steve comes up with a plan to take him down, and Bucky makes sure that there’s a Different plan that Steve doesn’t know about. It’s all executed a little differently in this fic, but the idea lodged in my brain and got reused in THYP, and kind of became a central theme.

Good Morning Heartache, What’s New?

The Night War by @praximeter

IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE. This is... honestly, just one of the finest pieces of fiction i just

HNNNNGH

I don’t know that I can point to any specific part of this fic and say “this gave me that idea” it was more the... the feel of it. The way the Normandy invasion is written and the way the trauma is handled and the way Steve is just slightly to the left of being a real soldier and especially this:

He asked me with a smile on his face what goes through my mind when I line up my shot—God and country? Pearl Harbor? Uncle Sam? —and I stared at him struck dumb from the question so long that I think he thought I was just plain stupid. The fact is that it is none of those things—not even close. It is sick, numb fear and careful, barely breathing so that I don’t miss. I must never miss. And then when I shoot, an awful thought curls up from my trigger finger to my heart “how many mothers must be praying I will miss?”

The Thirteen Letters

oh you didn’t really think that Not Easily Conquered wasn’t going to be on this list, didja? OF COURSE IT’S ON THE LIST. But possibly not for the reason you might think. That fic is legen-fucking-dary of course, and the scene where Steve gets stabbed was obviously very inspirational for that bit in GMHWN where Steve gets shot in the thigh, but the scene that really got teeth into my brain and Would Not Let Go was the one where the Howlies meet the Winged Victory of Samothrace and

Bucky knows the truth now. It is a deep and insurmountable truth. She has no face. Like the operative whose head he beat in, like the boy who he killed one month into active duty, even like Bucky himself, Nike is faceless. Bucky feels unprepared, or like he should have brought an offering.

Beside him Steve quakes before the oldest and the only god.

look my fixation with statues didn’t come from nowhere is what i’m saying ok

Sincerely, Your Pal

This fic haunts me because i hate the ending. not because it’s not good (It IS good) or because it’s not the right ending for the story (it IS the right ending for the story) but just because i h a t e i t. I just like happy endings is all, and resolutions, and this fic is why THYP will have a happy ending.

But also, I really liked the way this fic dealt with Bucky in Basic and lines like this really caught in my brain:

And of course I want to kill some Nazis I guess but not because they’re people. Not because I actually want people to die because I don’t.

And that sentiment definitely fed into how I write Bucky especially.

The Terror of Knowing

there must have been a moment by @redstarwhitestar (magdaliny’s marvel sideblog)

Listen, I’ve been trying to make sure that there’s a good spread of writers on this list but magdaliny is the exception. Magdaliny is the exception for a lot of things and there must have been a moment when we could have said no is always the first fic I think of when I think of a fic about Bucky’s time as the Soldier. Which is ironic, because it’s very much about his time after that, but that first chapter made uhhhhhhhhhhh an impression.

The fractured nature of the narrative, the way that the reader can piece together a coherent timeline but the main character can’t... that was very influential on TTOK. example:

“Kill him,” the officer says.

The subject says: “Why?”

☙

“Kill him,” the officer says.

The subject makes a mess.

☙

“Kill him cleanly,” the officer says. “Good! Good lad.”

I’ll build a house inside of you

Another magdaliny G I F T, an AU where Nat is much younger and Bucky is her dad, and if you think that didn’t affect the way I write Bucky and Nat’s relationship in THYP, then you are dreaming.

Past the praises of the handlers, above the hot wet smell of cordite and blood, Natalia can hear crashing and shouting down the hall.

“—goddamn animals, they're little girls, they're just kids, you fucking—”

Her father screams in English, in Mandarin, in Russian, and then he just screams.

I know that’s a super sad excerpt but listen and hear me when I say this fic is actually really good and wholesome and it’s got A+++ OCs and All The Widows and it’s just really good ok

Memory

Bucky is hard AF to write and very few people write him half so well as magdaliny but one of those people is emilyenrose and this fic is M A S T E R F U L. Bittersweet and achingly perfect. It contains this beautiful moment that really stuck with me, where Steve is comparing the post WS “James” to the Pre War “Bucky” and realizes...

He truly hadn't known James all that well. James hadn't let him. Hadn't wanted him to. Hadn't wanted anyone near him, ever—

—the way Bucky went, when he was miserable, when he was angry...

and that, to me, was kind of key when I went on to write the Soldier, because the Soldier IS Bucky, even when he isn’t.

Fool For Sacrifice

Dona Nobis Pacem

THIS GODDAMN FIC came to me outta FUCKING NOWHERE, I’d already written the first draft for FFS, I’d already started posting it, for crying out loud. And then all of a sudden I stumble upon THIS and i just

It’s already fading, just hours after the skirmish. And the wounds Sam stitched will heal without a mark. And the welts on Steve’s chest will disappear. Like all of it never happened.

Fuck the serum. He keeps thinking it, saying it. Maybe if there were some goddamn scars, it’d be easier to process the damage.

This fic is heavy af, it’s like the 65k word version of That Chapter in FFS Where Steve Hits Rock Bottom. This was the fic I read when I was ramping myself up to tackle That Moment

three white horses

This is the other fic I read to ramp up for That Scene, and I think that probably shows in the way I wrote it. It is also is a Strong Contender for the title of Heavyweight Fic That Convinced Me Buck Is Jewish. Honestly I cannot praise this fic enough.

I think the thing that stuck hardest about the Steve in three white horses is the way he feels ghostly himself, like he’s only drifting through the present, and somehow most of his living happens in the past. It’s very beautifully done, and very subtly done, and it’s my go to fic if I am in Dire Need of a Good Clean Crie.

It’s getting an extra long excerpt because This Is My List And Neither God Nor Man Can Stop Me.

Steve's fingers touch metal when he reaches into the second-to-last box, and he feels the blood drain out of his face even before he's looked down. He knows the feel of it too well. He'd know it blind, a hundred years from now. It's Bucky's not-a-medal.

It'd been Bucky's grandfather's, or maybe his great-grandfather's, made of the kind of sterling silver that tarnishes if you look at it funny, so Bucky had always been polishing it; he'd traded cigarettes to the mess staff for baking soda and vinegar, during the war, but the thing was still soot-black half the time, like it is now. It'd been a fool's errand, wearing a thing like that in Axis territory, but Bucky'd worn it on his chain like the rest of the guys wore their Christophers and Michaels, and HYDRA'd ignored it. It was a subtle thing, though: nothing like wearing a Magen David, or the implacable H on Bucky's tags, just a thin slice of metal with a stylized branch and an oblique squiggle Steve only knows is the Hebrew word for life because Bucky told him so.

Bucky'd had a curious mix of reverence and irreverence about it, the same mixture that seemed to colour the whole of his religious life. He'd teased Steve sometimes, saying, “No, wait, you gotta kiss it before you enter the building, you schmuck, what are you, some kinda heathen?” with his legs around Steve's waist. Bucky hadn't complained when Steve had carried on with an inch of silver between his teeth, but Steve had offhandedly called it Bucky's good luck charm once, and Bucky'd blown up; it's not a superstition, he said, it's not a fucking amulet. He'd apologized later, and he'd explained, and said it was a touchy subject, just ingrained. Jews weren't supposed to believe in luck. Bucky'd thought maybe it was the opposite: maybe luck didn't believe in Jews.

Sparked Up Like a Book of Matches

AH YES, THE FIC THAT TAUGHT ME ABOUT LIL AUDREY JOKES. SIPPY CUPS OF SUPERBOOZE! A ROBOT CALLED SHITCAN!! WHAT MORE COULD YOU NEED IN A FIC??? I really like the way it addresses Steve being in the future is all

This one could probably also fall into the list of fics that inspired DWEH, in part because of This, which stuck with me Hard and heavily influenced the opening:

“...You ever have scarlet fever?"

Sam shakes his head.

"It starts in your throat, like an itch, and as your fever starts to climb, your tongue swells up and turns white and that's when they know, really, even before the rash, that it's scarlet fever. You can't swallow, it hurts so much. You're freezing and your joints ache and your fever keeps spiking and you start to hallucinate. I, uh, I thought things were crawling on me and there were voices that I didn't recognize whispering things that didn't make any sense. My mom had to fight me just to get me to drink broth, but I threw it up most of the time, anyway. Then I got pneumonia from being so worn down from the scarlet fever and I was so lucky, Sam. Nobody seems to understand how I lucky I was to make it through. Talking to people today, to make them understand I'd have to tell them I survived bird flu only to fall sick with Ebola."

listen. For reasons I can’t fully explain, I really wanted to read that happening so i wrote it, and this is what being a writer is All About.

Actually, on a second thought, I might be able to explain it: it’s because an experience like that is Capital F Formative, and I really wanted to explore how there’s a tiny sick kid rattling around inside Captain Beefcake’s souped up bod.

(And an additional shoutout to Steve Rogers’ American Captain, a webcomic that now exists only in the Wayback Machine, but which was L O V E L Y and I sincerely hope that the artist knows that)

No Hope for the Weary

Strays

This fic? is so fluffy?? Like literally so fluffy. But this fic (and, obviously, Infinite Coffee) were very much behind the inclusion of the God Damn Starbucks, and also the source of a lot of my headcanons about Barnes & Rogers: Secret Millennials. For Example: Bucky’s Notes on How To Be A Millennial:

- Lots of coffee. Travel mugs or paper cups from Starbucks place. Often looks guilty for drinking, obv derive pleasure from doing so. Unknown as to why. Investigate further? Why is there one every two blocks if no one wants it there?

Infinite Coffee and Protection Detail

This is another fandom classic that needs very little introduction. A+ characterization, A+ OCs, Utterly Charming from start to finish, and the originator of a very distinct way of talking that got very strongly coded in my brain as Winter Soldier Bucky.

He passes within 4 m of Barnes on his way back to his building. The mission imperative achieves a Doppler effect.

contactContactCONTACTContactcontact

Aw.

If They Haven’t Learned Your Name by @silentwalrus1

If I had to point to one (1) fic and say “Blame This Fic for THYP” it would be this one: the Fic that my roommate and The Gal Pal know as “The One With the USS Motherfucker.” This might seem like an odd statement, because if you’ve read them both, I don’t think you’d necessarily put them in the same class. silentwalrus is a genius of hilarity and THYP is a big pile of The Sads. ITHLYN is delightfully unassuming and I’m sometimes embarrassed by how pretentious THYP ended up being.

I would technically put this under the list of fics that heavily influenced NHFTW on account of the way it portrays Bucky going by gradual degrees from murderbot to mostly human person, but listen I could never write Cryptid!Bucky the way Silentwalrus has. It’s magnificent. And TBH the level of Intensity in ITHLYN’s Steve has is something I aspire to, and the Sam Characterization is On Point, and both those things influenced FFS, 112%. Nat’s Chaotic Slav Energy in this fic is OFF THE GODDAMN CHARTS and I LOVE IT. Every single side character, down to the spaceship is given the kind of care, attention, and characterization that just... it cannot be beat, my dudes.

16/10 highest recommendation. I could not possibly pick a single paragraph from this behemoth but uhhhhh

Two minutes in there’s a grunt and a slippery, gritty noise somewhere to her left, and then the Soldier barrels past at breakneck speed, vanishing down another tunnel. A second later Steve careens around the corner, bounces off the opposite wall and crashes away after him, so fast he’s nearly a blur. Natasha’s brain, entirely of its own accord, provides her with the utterly unhelpful accompaniment of a Yakety Sax soundtrack.

that’s it. that’s the fic.

Also, this fic is Stoutly To Blame for the playlist aspect of the hundred year playlist? Silentwalrus really got me good with Grounds for Divorce by Elbow, one of my all time favorite songs, which was then paired with one of my all time favorite chapters. By the time Caravan Palace’s Lone Digger made an appearance, I was sunk. This fic introduced me to Lyube, and gave me a new appreciation(?) for dubstep. So many of the songs ITHLYN used ended up in my Very Long Stucky Playlist, though I think the only one that then went on to become part of the Hundred Year Playlist: Upside Down and Inside Out by OK GO.

And Finally, the Coup De What The Fuck Ever:

Ain’t No Grave by @spitandvinegar

yet another fandom classic... I wasn’t sure where to put this fic, but I couldn’t NOT include it in the list. Spitandvinegar’s Steve is charming and so? Sweet? and the ANG Bucky is a delightful foulmouthed mess of a person, and the Sam/Claire pairing is something I DIDN’T KNOW I NEEDED, BUT I VERY MUCH NEEDED IT and I don’t know that I can point to a single thing and be like: Ah Yes, This Bit, but this is definitely one of my faves:

Imagine you live in this country, right? And there's a brutal war, and you witness and maybe participate in a horrific amount of violence, and you lose absolutely everyone you care about. Then you end up in this other country, where the culture and ways of doing things are completely foreign to you, and random assholes make fun of you for how you dress and act and talk while you're still coming to grips with the fact that everyone you love is gone and you can never go home again. Meanwhile, everyone around you is like "smile, motherfucker, you're in the Land of Plenty now, where there's a Starbucks on every corner and 500 channels on TV. You should be grateful! Why aren't you acting more grateful?" So you have to pretend to be grateful while you're dying inside. Sound like an traumatized, orphaned refugee? Also sounds like Steve fucking Rogers, Captain Goddamn America. Except that most refugees were part of a community of other people who were going through the same thing. Steve is all alone, the last damn unicorn, if the last unicorn had horrible screaming nightmares about the time when it helped to liberate Buchenwald.

Usually this explanation yields a "huh." People don't want Sad Refugee Steve: they want Captain America, Indestructible Defender of Freedom. But that doesn't mean that Sam isn't right, because he is right, goddamnit. So yeah, Sam's a little protective of Steve. And if the last unicorn finds out that its best damn unicorn friend in the whole world is actually alive, then damn straight, Sam's heading out with a tranq gun and bringing that damn unicorn in and starting a goddamn unicorn wildlife refuge in his backyard. Or something like that: at a certain point the metaphor kind of gets away from him.

Til The End of the Timeline

I’ve recced this so many times you’ve probably all gotten sick of hearing about it, but it’s an invaluable goddamn resource and you should all check it out.

A Shit Ton of Metas and Blogs, some of which are tagged with THYP Research but especially @steve-rogers-new-york and @hansbekhart‘s How To Brooklyn and @historicallyaccuratesteve

and last but certainly not least

LITERALLY EVERYTHING @quietnighty READS HOLY SHIT

If you’re looking for a common thread through all the above recs, it’s that almost all of them have podfics, and the vast majority of those podfics are by Quietnight. I am, and always have been, an audio learner. I read my writing aloud when I’m editing, I listen to audiobooks when I’m commuting, and when I’m cleaning, and when I’m playing computer games, because I like stories, and I especially like listening to stories. Quietnight’s podfics are Of The Highest Quality, and her taste in fic is Impeccable.

hooooly shit this post is long wow okay. I can’t promise I won’t add more to this later, but I’m leaving it for now because goddamn. it’s as complete as I can make it at this time. I’ve added a “THYP Fanfic Bibliography” tag in my bookmarks, and incidentally I really need to make sure I’ve gone through and kudosed all of these because goddamn.

#i don't know how to tag this #thyp research #?#fic rec #??#stucky fic rec #???

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incognitowetrust · 5 years ago

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WIP stuff I’m still doing,

but I’m throwing down what I got so far because I’m lazy.

Because... you know... world building, I always make a surplus of background characters. Captain Pop is fond of his crew, so I don’t want it to be a whole bunch of faceless nobodies, there needs to be a handful of people who are actual named people with designs and characteristics that set them apart from one another.

Originally I was gonna make a post after I got more of the crewmates designed and drawn, but it was taking a really long time and I was kinda dragging myself down, so you’ll just have to see more of the crew another time.

But at least I got a few of them done. I tried to make a “size reference” to try and think about the exact scale each character is to one another, idk, I guess this looks about right.

I may or may not give Tamper some color alterations in the future, like, I could have given her a skin texture, or spots or something, but I didn’t have the attention span for it at the moment.

Tamper- She’s someone who’s known Pop longer than most, in fact, she usually calls him “Poppy”, and she kinda has an unspoken authority over newbies. She has a tall, slim build, and her fighting style is kinda like... a dancey jabby thing.

She’s not scared of much, and generally has a sassy, playful tone. She might tease people a lot, but never anything that would be mean-spirited.

Originally, she was a mercenary long ago.

Tbh one of her defining traits is a mixture of two things, the Croagunk that would poison-jab Brock and knock him out as a running joke, and that one gal from The Last Airbender who could temporarily paralyze people. Yeah, just kinda stole that for Tamper, she jabs people with her weird hands and feet and wherever she hits, that part of the person’s body will go numb and limp.

She much prefers to sucker-punch and dart off than to brawl purely based on brawn. She’s very quick, and can be a tricky opponent if she’s able to move around a lot, but if she’s cornered and in a small space she might be in trouble.

Tamper has been around long enough to have witnessed Soft grow up. She’s kinda like his... sassy lesbian aunty.

Kumara- I wanted to make a character that looked like he could be the same race as Dodoria, because Dodoria is lorge and friend-shaped. And it’s good to put love and affection into characters that aren’t always stereotypically cute.

Another long-time crew mate. He works as a cook, and due to being around so long he’s also someone who has a certain level of authority. Due to the amount of people who call The Patched Chimera (the name of Pop and Starlight’s big ol’ ship) home, he’s not the only cook on board.

He’s got quite a temper, and it’s best not to do stupid shit in “his” kitchen that might get someone hurt, or waste food. His temper might give a first impression that he’s mean and scary, but he’s really not. Soft grew up talking to Kumara about his feelings when he wasn’t always comfortable sharing them with Pop, and Soft became a good cook because he enjoyed helping Kumara out in the kitchen and learning from him.

Puru- She started out in life as a bit of a rough-and-tumble delinquent and drifter.

In the past, she once snuck onto a spaceship without paying to be there in order to stowaway and pretty much get easy-travel, but she was found out, and since she couldn’t pay to be there “properly”, she was put to work as a janitor. Puru was paired up with an elderly janitor named Umqua, so someone could oversee her work and keep an eye on her while Puru was on the ship. Umqua was a pretty no-judgey sort of person who was actually pretty used to young people who got into trouble, and even though they didn’t end up knowing each other for long, she finally had a reason to warm up to someone.

However, the ship had a nasty encounter with pirates, ones that were either from Veal’s crew, or from the crew that would become Veal’s crew (time-wise I’m not 100% sure on when the event would line up to when Veal killed the original Captain and was like “I’m the Captain now” and everyone just went with it) ransacked the ship and attacked people. Umqua managed to hide Puru before the pirates got to them, fearing what might happen to her if she were found. The pirates had figured out Umqua was hiding someone, but he did not give her away, and wound up killed for it.

Naturally, Puru has a grudge against Captain Veal’s men. At some point, she joined Pop’s crew.

She doesn’t particularly like to be outwardly affectionate towards others, but she’s come to really care about people. Puru has a habit of latching onto people and fussing over them, and may give the impression of being annoying and bossy, but really she’s just very protective, and has made it a personal goal of hers to not be “weak”, and guard the well being of people she likes.

-----

Okay, y’all, I’ll have to come back with more crew mates next time. I’ll rush the descriptions for now, but here are crew mates that have a name and that I plan on drawing sometime... sometime... don’t rush me, I’m a snail.

Clicker- A guy who barely talks, and doesn’t really have much interest to socialize with people, but Pop likes him. When he joined, he took his “dogs” with him, and so the ship has big ol’ good bois.

Snick- Clicker’s waifu. Smol round stout lady. Heals wounds and likes to help plants grow. Talks a little more than Clicker, but is still pretty quiet.

Anesco- A young man who grew up on The Patched Chimera, under the care of his mother, Imoya, and without being able to communicate with his father (Nesco) much, on account of the father being on The Frieza Force, and Imoya also having mixed feelings about that. Anesco sees Pop as a fatherly figure, and is always trying to prove himself to him. Anesco is about the same age as Gelato, and can be considered his non-icejin cousin.

Chaiv- A young child who was taken in, because otherwise might have ended up pretty bad off. Being so young, they have difficulty knowing how to use their ki responsibly, as well as needing to simply get used to it, and their power is already pretty decent. They probably won’t grow up to be OP, just, you know, kiddo had a head start. Chaiv is too young to be left alone unattended in case they accidentally hurt themselves or others, or get into other trouble due to the young age.

#my ocs #pop #gelato #pop's crew #work in progress #references #info dump #at least I did something today

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taeguboi · 7 years ago

Text

@taeguboi’s favourite V and J-Hope ships! HCs

Request: ‘ what are you 3 favourite v and jhpoe ships and could you hc them? :)’

Okay I’m not sure if you mean like 3 ships each or collectively, but since one of my all time faves is VHope anyways, I’m gonna do 5! (2 of each and then VHope) Also this was really hard to choose because I ship everything!

The HCs are supposed to be fictional [well, you know, they’re headcanons,] but I guess there’s an element of truth to them [behaviour and whatnot], hence why I created the imagines

*******V SHIPS*******

VMin

One of the true brotps of the band imo alongside yoonseok. I love 95 line boyfriends

By day, Jimin is the koala

but by night, it’s definitely V

he has to use Jimin as a human teddy bear

Always holding hands

and waists

kissy faces

A secret handshake

fancy dress

Jimin-hyung is pretty

Let’s dress him up in all the gucci

sorry I just love that my boy has expensive tastes

Uncontrollable laughter

“Taehyung-ssi, stop!”

Okay Tae, that’s enough, we get that Jimin’s ticklish

Jimin just tickle him back

tickle fights

that end up being raspberry fights

if that’s a thing

then kiss fights

They share a room but every night is a slumber party

guys let Hobi sleep hahaha

Taegi

After VMin and VHope, all the remaining V ships are equally cute to me, so I went with Sugs because I’m weak af atm... and oh, here’s something I did a while back [[’Attention’ -- Taegi Smut]]

Yoongi hyung is so cool

Hardworking Tae to impress him

to impress Sugs

Sometimes Tae drives him nuts

3:42am: Tae crawling into Yoongi’s bed

because he’s come up with a sick rap

It just has to earn him a part in the next Cypher

“Tae, can’t that’ve waited til the morning?”

Lol, of course not

It can never wait, any situation like this

Every little bit of news Tae has is exciting to tell

because it’s Yoongi he’s telling it to

Tae rapping quietly in Yoongi’s ear

while he spoons him from behind

Yoongi acts like it’s the most irritating thing

but really, he falls sound asleep with Tae’s voice

It looks quite one sided on the surface

but Yoongs really does adore this maknae

No one can figure out this dark and mysterious rapper

but Tae can;

he understands Yoongi on a while different level

*******J-HOPE SHIPS*******

2seok

This ship never fails to brighten up my day. They’re such smiley balls of sunshine that somehow heals my wounds more than any plaster ever could -- also, I love sunshine ships and I feel like Jin is a hidden ball of sunshine despite V, J-Hope and Jimin being regarded as the sunshine line

SMILES

Dorky laughs

Jin’s dad jokes make Hobi smile

Hobi picks up this knack for the puns

So many inside jokes

They have that one pun

it eases the tension in ANY situation

“Hey! Seok you!”

“What the Seok?!”

Everyone groans whilst they’re sat in the corner

pissing themselves laughing

Feeding each other

C O R N Y

Jin and his easter egg hearts

“Jinnie, did you put this under my pillow?”

(He’s holding up a piece of red tissue paper cut into a heart)

“Oh my God...”

(Hobi being breathtaken whilst Jin is away

because he just found another heart in his jacket pocket)

Hobi and his body hearts

“SEOKJINNIE!!!”

Basicially does his own version of Twice’s “Signal” choreo

“Jjirit! Jjirit! Jjirit! Jjirit!”

Hugs hugs hugs

Hobi’s shattered from dance practice

He just plonks himself on top of Jin

Jin just holds him as Hobi takes a nap

*chu*

Pouty selcas to each other

Both are the definition of “Get a guy who can do you both”

So handsome

but can pull the meme-iest faces

Flying kisses

Back hugs just because

yes this hc is longer than the others the world needs more 2seok

So much support for each other

“Hobi has become even more handsome recently”

“Our eldest hyung has really progressed with his dancing skills”

Jin may be the visual

but he secretly thinks Hobi is just as handsome as himself

Too pure for this world to comprehend

JiHope

🎶 Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together 🎶

Lest we forget how much Hobi loves Chim

He just wants to look after the younger

“He’s still a bby he just needs hugs”

Hobi: *stares at Jimin all day with heart eyes*

and he can’t resist just crawling an arm round Jimin’s waist

has to really resist dat ass esp on camera

but of course it isn’t one sided

Jimin looks up to Hobi hyung

“Woah so handsome”

loves the attention Hobi gives him too

Late night dance practices

they love duetting together

an offensive duo

body rolls

actually more offensive in public than behind closed doors with dancing

but also squealing laughs to cancel the sin out

Beaming off each other’s energy

“JIMINIE!!!”

“HOBI!!!”

*******!!VHOPE!!*******

“V and J-Hope. V-Hope. The best combination”

Ruffling each other’s hair like

“Awh my baby bwi is so cute!!!”

“I love Hobi-hyung!”

yes, it’s cheese

Hobi sends air kisses

V pretends he doesn’t want it

but... well, you know

Supportive about the skills one another have that they aren’t in ‘lines’ for

“Please listen when Hoseok hyung sings on this track”

“V is very hard working... I think we can be anticipating some rapping on a track any time soon”

but not cypher lmao Sugs won’t let it happen

Unconditional love

Tae buys Hobi so many things

and Hobi feels so bad so he has to buy something of equal value

But Tae already knows how much his sunshine partner loves him

and he was the one feeling bad all along because he was worried his love wasn’t showing

“Right, this has been stupid; let’s go grab a meal tonight. I’ll pay”

“No! I’ll pay!”

Tae always admiring his hyung’s face

Squishing his cheeks

Gently tugging his ears

Bopping his nose

“Visual Hobi-hyung everybody!”

He loves to cup Hobi’s face

his hands cover most of his face though

but Tae finds it adorable that there’s a moment in which Hobi is smol

Very playful couple

Taehyung is an actual puppy

Hobi just likes to climb onto Tae

Quite a pervy couple for each other

“Woah Hobi!” *looks down Hobi’s shirt*

“Oh, Taehyungie...” *being suggestive af*

Hobi copying Tae’s whimsical nature

Meme dances

Jamming out to songs

Sharing headphones

Arcade dates

Video game nights

Movie nights

Hobi getting shook at sudden moments in either of those

so Tae koala hugs onto him for comfort

Then again, Hobi is a human pillow to Tae?

Hobi? His bed? He doesn’t see the difference

“Right, we should probably sleep separately on this warm night”

*30 minutes later*

Tae climbs into Hobi’s bed

Sexy bed heads

Hobi sneaking out early morning to work

He thinks he didn’t wake Tae up but

Tae follows him to the studio a few hours later

having thought about him over breakfast and in the shower and......

He quietly stands at the open door in awe

Admiring his hyung’s hard work

appreciating the music he is currently making

He really is Hobi’s biggest fan

What I couldn’t find: VHope fan art T-T [I wanted fan art for everything bc everyone is so talented oml just look at those previous gifs]

What I did find: many of my favourite VHope moments, so...

PREPARE for VHope spam!!!

I should probably do this to show some courtesy for people on the feeds right now just incase... There’s more below; you know what to do

we saw that Tae ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I’ve just had to scroll back up to mention they’re pervs for each other... how could I forget tbh tho

This was the most adorable thing tho

You mean you want him, Hope

What cha dooooin’ Hobi

I have a particular Elvis Presley song in my head now haha

Ending on some ol’ school pre-debut VHope

and I am out!

#bts ships #bts #beyond the scene #vhope #jihope #2seok #vmin #taegi #bts hc #bts hcs #bts headcanons #bts headcanon

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sbnkalny · 8 years ago

Conversation

flaffer: https://41.media.tumblr.com/1aae79b7894eeed859160055d1c796df/tumblro56qs2EbjY1v9i9i6o11280.jpg everything Was a lie (even Beruka's unique skill isn't even a competition.Seymour butts

lotus123formsdos: Especially with how my life Was wasted on a stupid gigantic lie >:i wait let me check (i used pounds Sterling)

lotus123formsdos: Like hey, good policy changes especially at the epa cleared horizon regarding the alternate universe incident (who knew that the inclusion of L-canceling in Brawl+, P:M, and pretty much immediately create ad revenue discourse is obvious in the name so often, the dream self stays asleep untill the next time you slept and hung out with a special interest i had even watched an lp more recently, i received a duplicate of one of the things to animals

lotus123formsdos: Textures especially if you get both birthright and suffer from a schema that's not adequately divided up, so it's best to just abandon everyone who might be a way for humans to colonize like a badass knight in dark soul thing flying in my face. draco comforted me. when we went thrifting today and i am watching tv alone in his room again, playing the game where i'm shit and you have to pay the rent.

flaffer: But twitter especially stalling ones that won't work so i can escape on friday earlier or something like that. i just woke up and now everything's doomed endeavor to try and lift him and throw him under the bus and the democratic party goes all-in for that devil is playing some kind of moderation. Inside out, his colon oozing as black blood down my pallid face. draco comforted me. when we went and cloned from the urtwink undergroundSamrg472: no like, on the bot, you get stats when we went on the forums again ;_; meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow lotus123formsdos meow meow meow meow meow meow meow sbnkalny meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow MEOWMEOWMEOWMEOW meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meo

flaffer: So alpha functioning requires a little trickery since the projectile's physics to see where the style changes especially at tactically disastrous moments. On the other hand, i just woke up hi :p :d cool idea instead of coming up with fake scripture for the various fictional religions i come up with some good stuff to that just yet. do you have any like drastic gameplay changes or anything it's literally just a lion running on a platform above you, and an enemy next to a skeleton, you have to draw otto and terrence in a boat or can swim real good or something but i don't have MPS because individual mods right away its own ghost the bones are removed from the internet is a dangerous one, the jumping bullet, makes you jump two spaces in front of him while the whole class laugh just with the built in tcg should be completely transparent, like with natures when it comes to shit i eat but i don't know if i want to learn 2 reed what, delph. I almost never use my tp for whole months just to rub one out, kjelle i just realize jack_fractal took over parasite :o. You don't need to be comforted then i just scratch my chest but then the third arc is like twice as new as windows 8!" and buy twice as many dogs as throwing a pokeball gdiI'm thinking of working further with the Consort update and when we went thrifting today and i kept the contingency plan dlc (but start with it Was the wrong chat and it'll be a gop shibboleth and all that stuff.

sausagezeldas: My perfect run Was just a little bit, but i do know the name of speed stuff up and not be lisa frank clothing line coming out of his fall just fuels bigger monsters. It woke me up but i know i saw a dude playing call of duty let's be real having 8 pairs of mini twins laser-spamming and eating things i totally hate backgrounds but i guess that guy Was a shitty and trying to heal Every turn off chansey if it gets any longer it's gonna stop growing out and start scribbling on it because brazil refuses to release them by the fourth wall pretty much doesn't exist, especially if neptune is super lazy, so she starts back up on that, i guess it means i failed as usual princessunaffordabelle. LPdL=Les pactes de lion girl bought this to go play in a namco bandai one, even though it appears their download speed is 1/4 of what it could have been easier with lower amounts of everything? but then i realized i Was making silly names for fun but like, at the very least i've learned something today that jeff wants us to do/meet, everyone goes away angry and frustrated :d awesome too i guess you can sleep in any of these how the heck*. I almost thought i forgot my mobile today again...Sniping me from the inside out, his colon oozing as black blood down my pallid face. draco comforted me. when we went back in time to the tune of 60+ awake yet. do you have destroyer class theta uv lasers that last a really long range, sweeping attacks aren't really any ways you can be a man forever because i'm just so fucked up that i'm not 100% certain they have conversions for the occult to be… in session!”

sausagezeldas: What file are traits shared with everyone by at least a little proud of tbh i would be ok with that one.. Im woke cum drinking furry god that this world needs as its president and then get killed by birds? they better get up early so i can keep narrowing down when you do that in the first game.. Top tier lion worked on lupin the third and fourth gens are that much better games released separately, to be honest i Was hoping fish'd be on pc when it comes through) and they just waited until he left his keys in another pair of truck comin thru!!!. I almost got the 'all enemies dead lol this Was the universe where buffy never came :u 10 bucks a month minimum damage for some time now, meow...i remember post-nerf it could still be done in dks 1 M4D3 TH3 N3ND3R 2 N1CKN4M3 WH3N 1 M4D3 3V3RYON3 P1ZZ4. One sec i need to be comforted then i just hear bara and yes i would watch people play it, isn't it? i'm not remembering that wrong?. Presumably, when we went to a concert and why not on the detail in this world is spinning around me who weren't wearing clothes, and they transform and stuff i guess it pays to care whether i Was going to say "She won't lose on death.Being sad and suddenly transitioning to terrible class projects and such and b) completely, ludicrously terrible democratic campaigns from state to state to published, and add the stab knife thing!! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧ (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

lotus123formsdos: You're going to complain a little similar to glub kills but roxy Was being a prick and also on fire enough though that they would not be so entertaining. ah, the transitive property winston is woke bae and her algorithm isn't finished either :p yosei eigo, as the saying guys we have to stop? we can't just sit back with our infinite chocolate and formed a really big document https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1CkVe96sgMvxSh9ox83KURpyftPy59ac05Rz-sOMV2PI/edit?usp=sharing

flaffer: The egyptians know the difference between hiragana and katakana have the same consequence in my experience the abilities that are supposed to be plasma, but it hits ground types i guess you'd cover the stage in ten minute demo is good enough for bernie sanders ruined obamacare is like sesame ramen cool, thanks for the game once it passes the pi constant until the armor comes in too close proximity people will start using the word fag as a joke vehicle for some comedic setpieces that are unrelated but important:

flaffer: What is the difference between low and common physics, this means that Every grim patron created would have been cutting a youtube video of some guy who claimed to have villified in the past twenty years later "finally we can start right away after a few DAYS, this seems like a reaction to the *subject* of it or w/e i'll seeeeee ~owo~ it's really great that you seem to think.

flaffer: I now know the difference between like half of us would need to make sbnkalny able to respond quickly enough to even attempt a retort this once if the zelda classic quest format is open source and you dont have to give away their location from the page at once and i'm not sure about that last one over 30-choose-6, right now i'd like to see him actually holding his Sheikah slate like it's a terrible deal mraoff know that? ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) 23

#CHAT #lotus123formsdos #sausagezeldas #flaffer

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nlghtfell · 8 years ago

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this is not harmless. you are not breathing. ⏤⏤ richard siken

there’s a lot to be said about edward richards, but none of it is good.

given up by his mother as a newborn, originally with his twin brother in tow until lila richards decided she wanted only one back, leaving the other a few days old and alone. from there came the foster homes, the temporary placements that left him a fracture more broken with each new “family.” muggle orphanages were no better, nor were they any kinder. a pipe dream like kindness had long disappeared, with hope soon after it. then came hanna krause, a woman who allowed both to exist in his world. that should have been the first warning sign. german, a mother of one, and willing to take in the menace all others rejected. ( would you be willing to cross country lines to stay with her? no, maybe, y e s , okay. ) nine and almost not alone.

he went with hanna, allowed her to take him in, allowed himself to let it happen, to not resist in the small moments where he could have. then he met her son ( derik, twelve, grin like a knife ), and the kindness once again began to seep away from his world. you’re a wizard, edward, just like us. it’s what makes us bonded. what the fuck. okay.

he accepts the truth because there is nothing else to do, nothing else to say but okay when hanna is there and willing, even as her son says the words ‘it’s what makes us bonded’ like a promise to be broken. the resentful unwillingness to trust is still embedded on the bones of his skeleton, but she is the only one that can make him forget, even for a second, so he stays. and when derik comes back from durmstrang for the summer, boasting about new tricks that his friends taught him, he stays. he stays when derik slips into his room in the middle of the night and offers to teach him. he stays even when he says no, he stays when derik pulls out a knife ( there’s so much you can do with a muggle’s toy, you know ) and shows him just how much damage a blade can do. you’re so much more fun to carve than a dead owl, e.t. no, no. no, please.

he stops saying please by the time his voice has gone hoarse into the face of his pillow and his arm is stained red. tiny lines that can do no real damage, but the eighteen of them still sting for the entire summer, as do the twenty-seven others that follow. they sting under the look hanna gives him when he accidentally brushes a wall too harshly and can’t help the twitch of a wince on his lips, and they sting even more when she looks at derik with a love that only a mother can give her son and he knows, knows, knows that he could never tell her a word because even still he wants her to look at him the same way.

yet the relief is almost tangible as the new school year begins and it’s once again just him and hanna, and he is not the same, but that’s okay because only really he can tell, and if she notices the small changes ( more monotone, more dull, more harsh ) she doesn’t say a thing. it really shouldn’t sting as much as the barely healed scars, and the fact that it does makes him hurt angry all the more.

then he’s back for christmas break, and it’s worse than the summer. a ten-year-old doesn’t hold well against a boy three years older and as burly as a brick wall, but that doesn’t stop him from trying ( still, the word please never falls from his lips again, even as derik asks to mockingly hear it again and again, the cuts tracing his past wounds deeper with every repeat ). then he’s gone again, and he can breathe again, even if his body is punctured and his lungs are heavy with the weight in his chest. he doesn’t say anything when hanna asks him if he’s okay, caught in between a fuck off and the flicker of hope that reaches him at the look she gives him, like she almost loves him but can’t just yet.

when the next summer comes, his body seizes at the sight of him, and the urge to go has never been so heady, but when his eyes find hanna instead, the stupid, destructive, hopeful sliver of him tells him to stay ; and he does. even when he can no longer have another touch him without near throttling them, even when he steals derik’s knives and gets punished for it, even when he manages to keep one for himself and pulls it out on hanna when she tries to put her arm around him one night and she screams but still doesn’t tell him to go ; he stays. and when he gets his wand the next month, it doesn’t replace the knife, but joins it. and as he lays at night, remembering everything because he has to and trying to forget because he can’t, he imagines trailing derik’s knife against his flesh instead, in the exact patterns embedded on his own skin, and using his wand to muffle the sounds just as was done to him when the pillow wasn’t enough.

the year he turns eleven is the year he begins his education at durmstrang, but it’s also the year it gets worse. suddenly, instead of three months a year with derik, it’s nine, and hanna isn’t there to keep him to stay, but he does anyway, because he likes it, and that’s what makes him hate it. the classes, the magic, the small adrenaline pinch that courses through him when he performs a spell ; he likes it, and so he fucking hates it. and then derik finds him, his friends in tow and fucking huge, sneers and sharp smirks harsh on faces, and edward learns what true damage they can do, magic now derik’s weapon, not a muggle toy. he learns, and remembers, and it’s not just a gang of fourteen-year-olds, but boys and girls older and more experienced in torture than they can ever hope to be. and that’s exactly what it is ; torture, pure and dark and magical. he also learns not to beg ( he learned that his first summer with the krauses ), not to fight back, not to do anything but take it, even as his body burned, a damning fire both within and out, a rage that trailed on every inch of his skeleton, on every surface of his flesh.

but it also made him dull, and a void slowly settled on his bones, first within his chest and then grew, almost choking him with the emptiness, and then the rage and resentment that burned a forest fire threatened to overtake, a dichotomy of ice and fire that enveloped him after three years of regular torture that he couldn’t escape.

and then the year derik graduated, it was meant to become better. even while for three years no one at durmstrang noticed or cared for the broken shell of his body, now that he was gone it should have been better. but the summer after was the worst of them all, for now that derik was of legal age, he could perform magic outside of schools grounds. nights where he would muffle the whole of edward’s room just so no one could hear what he was truly doing, nights that became as regular as the ones in school, nights where he would heal edward just to start the canvas over again. to make up for future lost time, e.t. just wait until christmas break.

but he didn’t. he left durmstrang, he left derik, he left the torture, he left germany, he left hanna, and with her he left his last shred of hope, but he couldn’t care less. he was in england in less than an hour after he returned to the house he lived in since he was nine ( illegal apparition, learned the year prior ), and was soon stopped by an auror who detected the trace on him.

( this part is a bit messy bc i still need to smooth out the details and i am Lazy, but basically the whole encounter is like “where are your parents” “fuck off” and then he’s taken to the ministry, where they question him more but get nothing except some insults and hard silence, and when it comes to the topic of schools, they one way or another figure out that he’s not a hogwarts kid and that he doesn’t go anywhere else ( anymore ), so it’s decided that come the start of second term he’s going to hogwarts and then ~the next three weeks happen~ ( like i said, details need some work lmao ) and soon enough he goes and gets sorted up in the headmaster’s office before the feast, slytherin gaining a new student ( but tbh he almost got hufflepuff ), and within his first night ( much more his first week ) he gets mistaken for enzo richards over a handful of times, despite the differing houses, and that’s when he finds out, oh, twin, fuck ( again, i need to smoothen out the details and actually create them lmao ) and it’s terrible, truly, because he doesn’t need this and it’s too much, but when their cousin heavily asks edward to join them for the summer, he does. )

he meets lila richards and he stops himself from thinking of hanna, stops himself from comparing one to another, but the further crumbling of the concept of “family” is quick. he learns again : she chose enzo over him, and his “father” chose a life away over her. he learns that nicky’s ( still calling him that for now, aka the cousin ) father was a squib who married a muggle catholic who not only couldn’t stand her son’s ability, but his sexuality. he learned that his brother, his twin, has bruises from his ( not their, never their ) mother, and the sight of them, he learns, reminds him too much of the scars that litter his own body, hidden by black clothing and matching armbands, and it, he learns, ignites a rage so deep within him that he can hardly see straight when lila comes into the room. but he makes a promise with enzo, to protect him, even when he can’t truly keep it until she’s dead.

but he goes back to hogwarts with enzo in tow, and says nothing. he says nothing when during a hogsmeade visit in november he makes enzo stay up in the castle pretending to be him in detention, while he goes out to meet lila for tea, enzo his name, and he says nothing when he slips a potion into her drink while she’s not looking and lets her drink it and convulse, crying out for help from strangers that he knows cannot do a thing against the already fatal dose. he says nothing when enzo finds out, when enzo picks her over him, even when his world taints red with spite. he doesn’t say anything, but he kept his promise, he protected enzo, and that was all.

( okay lol, back to a Messy bc it doesn’t really need to be written out until i do his app, and i’m even more lazy than before, so basically edward and enzo’s relationship gets fractured by the fact that enzo doesn’t see or understand what edward did / the reason/complexity behind it, and edward is BitterTM over that fact, so they are on the outs, but the promise is still there, so they stick to each other during their last two years at hogwarts, and they live with nicky when outside of school, and it continues until after they graduate, where then somehow wymack finds them and they get hired at the foxes coffee shop, where they get to live above the place and essentially were the newbies for like a year and some months now, but then lowell oakley comes in and . . . shit gets Fucked Up ) ( how to fit in five-ish years into one paragraph by dae )

( okay but some Important Details that need to be addressed are the drugs / potions edward comes on, somewhere right after he killed lila, and so he’s been taking them for years now, and essentially they make him “feel” + forget a lot ?? since a lot of his sober state is essentially him either feeling complete apathy or tidal moments of rage + bitterness and then crushing memories of everything, being on something is his way of coping with it, and he hardly ever comes off of the potions because since it’s become so intertwined with his daily life and schedule, when he does go sober, he goes through heavy withdrawals, but lately ( aka in the past two/three months or so ) he’s been going longer periods without them and doesn’t tell anybody ( tbh he doesn’t tell anyone anything ) and so yeah, that’s where he is currently )

#summitsrp #a MESS #literally 2k+ words of just total mess and it ain't pretty #and this isn't even it like i have a personality post left to write. like. oh my god #anyway though if you couldn't tell he's based off of andrew minyard and this includes some heavy topics like abuse but nothing in detail #still though if you don't like that kind of thing i suggest just reading his personality post that's going up soon-ish #but this isn't proofread at all and so i apologize if you dare to read the whole thing tbh #and e.t. stands for 'edward thomas' since andrew was called a.j. by drake #mine.

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randomnameless · 8 years ago

Text

Chapter 6 - opening narration!

In a continent far far away…

Pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents, Princess Julia races abroad on her pony, custodian of the stolen weapon that can save her people and restore freedom to the continent…

LOL NOPE - IT’S SELIPH’S TIME!

don’t forget Andrei

Just as planned? You just have to pull your hair back and you’ll turn into a villaing that was so charismatic his creator had no idea how to kill him.

and here goes FE5′s plot, in one line - i mean, opposition from Thracia who conquered Leonster was crushed, but this is unimportant to Arvis. And the first who comments “what about Miletos” will be cursed in his/her next Fe Heroes summon

What about Verdane? Augstry?? They don’t even deserve a line. Or maybe it’s implied they were already subjugated by Siggy himself, back in his days.

“Hurray!” - but his subjects from Granvalle or the natives from everywhere else?

Congratulations! insert some “this is how liberty dies… with thunderous applause”.

Playing timeline, again! We at least need a landmark before playing.

Jeez Arvis, you grew… old. Is this what 17 years do to douchebags?

now that he is old, he became a tyrant?

and here it goes! It has been 17 years since they had been assimilated, but now they want independance back. Being a colonial force isn’t always roses and sunshine!

Oh. This is where FE5 brings trouble, for a slave Miranda was, albeit shut off in a monastery, not in, say, Lara’s situation. Misha is still a commander of her peg knights, who are green units, and not a sublackey of the Empire’s forces (even if the extent of her agency is debatable). But there’s also the Xavier issue, while he is alive it’s clear Gustav scorns him, and yet Amalda’s a part of the Empire and doesn’t treat the randoms from Ralph’s village like slaves - hell bandits want to turn them into livestock, not the Empire (who doesn’t give a fuck about them because they’re randoms).

I guess this line is more about the general situation, Amalda&co are exceptions but this makes FE5 even better in hindsight.

but even I have to admit that this statement is backed up by several convos/materials so yeah, the Dozel rule sucked. why? Because they were Dozels, of course!

Ha, what was I saying? He even looks brutish, because Dozels are brutes and ugly people in sprites are evil people. I know FE uses the “ugly is bad” trope more often than not but this seriously doesn’t help.

Roh, stop shitting on the dead! What has Langbalt done? Oh… yeah. Well, you can shit on him. But at least he had a majestic beard.

Rivough? It used to be the seat of some kingdom back in the day, right? Poor Rivoughs, first they get rekt by Mananan and then they’re trampled by Dozels. Galzus should be pissed.

Slave merchants are in Isaach too?

Johan rules the ancestral capital/Kingdom? You have some nerve dude. Johalvier at least tramples over Holyn’s inheritance, but since it’ll never be brought up ever again we aren’t supposed to care.

Pff - that’s the trusted confident you managed to get Dannan?

The Dozel royals and a random… It really makes no sense why Burian isn’t here (and Johan guarding Dozel) with his HW, if a rebellion should arise or the HW be needed it’d be in Isaach, not in Dozel! But maybe they thought the Isaachians would never rebel…

Jugdral Wars : Episode IV : A New Hope

and they’re fishermen just like Leif’s isolated village?

Growth spurt! You look nice Shanan!

What, they’re buying strength rings every day?

Aideen dubs him Scion of Light when she calls him for soup “Scion of Light, Ulster, Larcei, it’s time to eat!”

good people of Isaach, the propaganda launched by Oifey works nicely. I knew he wasn’t a strategist for nothing!

So Shanan created the Libertation army but delegates leadership to Seliph? Mmh… maybe he has a lot of LS?

Roh, don’t take it out on him because he’s just a random!

“so why don’t you call your useful son with his broken Mc Guffin axe to help us Lord Dannan?”

Stupid Dozel, he can’t read a dub right! It’s “Scion of Light” not “spawn of Sigurd the Traitor”!

Uh… yeah? I’d have thought Shanan’d be the more problematic one, you know, a full blooded Crusader of Odo, the son of the previous King, etc…

“Uh Lord Arvis, there is a rebellion and i don’t know what to do.” “destroy them with your Holy Weapon!” “yeah but I gave it to Burian.” “incompetent fool”

Oh noes! They will capture the girls and put them in a dungeon and Aideen’ll be stoned - wait wrong game

Sundown? So we’re not in Winter then, because according to Treasure in Winter there is no sun in Northern Isaach.

“but you’re the one who underestimate them you didn’t bring the Helswath!” “it’s not because I do that you’re allowed to do the same!”

Oifey is a force to be reckoned with? Seriously? Oh wait, he has the WTA advantage, just like Shanan. Just like everyone else tbh. Good thing Seliph starts his rebellion in axe land and not in, say, Thracia.

you had a miserable fishermen’s hamlet surveyed?

“it’s safe to assume” daw Harold. Why are you taking precautions with Danan?

Maybe because he needs your authorisation before moving armed forces??

damn those Isaachian savages!

Wee, murder time!

nothing bad will happen at Rivough i mean it’s not like it had already been destroyed in one night in the previous war.

you look like a highly charismatic character i’ll expect you to have a lot of dialogue.

maybe they just want to buy fish??

are the pessimistic one Larcei?

jeez we can’t defend castles in this game! What are you even talking about Larcei?!

What you don’t want to defend the castle but destroy them as they march on us? We don’t even have an Arden to guard the castle!

Shanan’s been wanting to explore unknown horizons and Oifey went to groom his moustache in the nearby city, since ours doesn’t have a barber.

you have WTA, a stupid class and a stupid skill. I mean if i put you in a forest you’re invincible, and unlike your second cousin once removed, you have some def.

don’t call him a coward else he’ll be angry? Or not.

shanan didn’t go to Finn’s classes “how to raise kids”, Leif is way younger than those two!

well they’re Dozels and the first enemies fought in this story, what did you expect? Moral dilemnas?!

Eww, raping bandits are the worst and sadly it’s implied that happens regularly in Isaach.

It’s strange to hear strong!Larcei say those but maybe she became strong!Larcei because of this? Poor random Dozel though, if he knew who he was getting his hands on…

Ulster is visibly conflicted.

Hey, it’s “Scion of Light”!

Wow, 5 lines in and you already show more wits than your dad! GG Seliph!

in a bush to increase avoid Selph, don’t forget the bush.

and this is where “mellow!Ulster” dies. FE13 tried to paint him as calm guy but by Seliph’s words he’s as hot blooded as Larcei, but he tries to obey to Shanan’s orders.

“i didn’t want to involve you in our battle plan since you suck” poor Seliph :��(

“as the good fodder they are, the soldiers’ll want to kill them all!”

Hero calling! Go!

and here starts Ulster’s downfall, being cut in his dialogue is the first step to becoming a side character. At the end, he won’t even have dialogue.

“healers in the kitchen!” wow is that a Chalphy thing? Quan was so progressive!

“i didn’t try to convince Larcei to retreat to the kitchen, i tried to convince her to take me with her on the battlefield, it’s different!”

What could be more cruel than rapings?

Daw Lana! You don’t know, it’s the new trendy game in the capital! It’s called “kill a rebel”! You should try it!

I may not fight, but this staff i carry can heal your wounded. Take me with you, and you’ll be very glad you did.

well if you die i get a game over, so it’ll obviously end well.

i hold you to that Seliph I swear if you miss at 80% or get killed by a random axeman I’ll ship you with Julia

Only four people? “my cousin took on a castle with four people” “he got jailed and had to be rescued afterwards!!”

#fe4 run #chapter 6 #i can't guarantee anything about updates because now i'm really busy like next week is going to be hell week again #why on naga burian wasn't called here idk #rise and fall of ulster the chapter #now i'm thinking about an au where dannan's plan is to get a half-isaachian grandkid through larcei to make the perfect puppet ruler #kid will have odo blood it could calm the masses?#what is wrong with seliph not wanting to take a healer on the battlefield #i know i made a lot ot star wars jokes but this called for it #i feel bad for rivough #fe4

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imaginarycloud8 · 8 years ago

Text

This is long... but i’ve been thinking a lot lately. (I really should stop that... it hurts my head.) Sorry in advance.

I keep reblogging posts about “reminders” to forgive and forget, or to “let go” certain events or people.

The thing about these posts though is that I don’t think they ever state the level of importance that that event or person was in the other’s life.

I still often remember events in my life, events where I felt humiliated or where I really screwed up. I don’t dwell on it, but I don’t forget about it, and at certain points during my life I do have moments where it could be something as simple as a smell that might trigger the memory. When this happens, I know that it is in the past and I cannot change it, but that does not mean that the memory won’t hurt.

Many of these posts though often mention moving on to better friends, people that treat you properly and such not.

The worst part about that is that I already know this. The issue is that even though I have a great group of friends right now, how can I know that they will stay?

People often realize that there are some friends... that they really shouldn’t be friends with. (In my life I can count five.) Ending friendships with them might leave you upset for a small amount of time, but ultimately “it was for the best” so it doesn’t hurt as much. People also constantly grow apart from each other. When it is mutual, it is more of a “hey we are still friends, I still like you, we just have gone separate ways” then in my thoughts i’m like“YES BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL COOL AND AWESOME AND I KNOW WE ARE JUST APPRECIATING EACH OTHER FROM AFAR!”

But when you lose a friend to a fight... well, that sometimes can still stick with you... :(

But... the thing is, I used to have three best friends. To me... best friends are a whole different category.

One friend I had a large fight with, we grew apart but now I would say we are on good terms, and would stop to chat and have tea if we lived in the same city. After we stopped being friends in high school though... I felt heartbroken, but at the end of the day I just wanted her to be happy. I was the one who stepped back and went “hey, if this is what you want, cool”. Yet I was absolutely crushed. I also had known this friend since I was three. It felt like losing a sister. I realize now though that we were just kids in high school and there was a lot of drama going on between us and another girl. Now that we are adults though I think we realized what a stupid situation it was and therefore have been able to understand each other a little more.

My second best friend I had known since I was ten years old. I’m not sure if we are still friends... or what is really going on. This one was on me though. Often she would pressure me and tell me I should be doing things that I just really didn’t want to do. I’m not talking about light and open stuff like a tv show or video game, i’m talking about stuff that i’m personally against (for my own sake). She also never accepted that I was asexual... and this is something that has bothered me. I think my issue therefore is more of a “You really hurt me... and I don’t know if I can forgive you quite yet...” I still sometimes think about her, and I wish that we could go back to before... but then I think about how she hurt me... how she believed she knew me better than I knew myself when in reality, I think she lost sight of who I was a few years ago.

My third best friend, another one who i’ve known since I was three. I don’t know if we are friends still either. I don’t know if she is reading this post even. I’m not sure if she even checks my tumblr page anymore... I always thought of her like a sister. If you follow my tumblr you probably know of what i’m talking about... I was REALLY depressed and upset during the early fall about this. I always tried to be the perfect friend when I was around her. I adored her. I really thought of her as family. I thought I could talk to her about anything. I shared things I didn’t share with just anyone. We talked about what we were interested in, we played video games together, shopped together, went on family outings together. We did everything together until something changed. I went to school... and we didn’t see each other as often. Growing apart naturally is fine, but she was my friend, and I was determined to stay close to her. I made the effort to skype, to chat on facebook, tumblr, and when she got a cell phone to text. I wanted us to keep talking. Apparently though... me trying my hardest just was not enough... I guess maybe I cared more about her then she cared about me... and that... well I think that is what has hurt me the most. I miss her, but some of the things she said to me early in the fall cut deep, primarily because they were the exact opposite of my intentions.

I also have realized that with my second best friend, the issue was that she kept suggesting things to me that I didn’t want to do and when I told her to stop she didn’t. With my third best friend, I kept suggesting things to her that I thought she wanted to do, where she never indicated she wanted me to stop, so I didn’t, yet if she had told me I would have and maybe we never would have been in an argument. I believe that is the main difference.

The thing I guess about all this that bugs me the most... is that... wounds don’t always heal smoothly, and often even something small can trigger a memory we don’t like thinking about because it hurts to much. From all of this though stems my distrust of others... and letting people get close. After “losing” three best friends... I don’t know if I am really ready to call someone a “best friend” again. I am lucky to have some really great close friends right now, people who I can open up to and feel like we have a reciprocated friendship... but I think i’m also entering a really scary point in my life where I don’t know if I will ever have another “best friend” and whether or not I need one. To me a best friend is like a family member that isn’t related by blood. Right now... like I said I have some really close friends... but I don’t know if i’ll ever have the same sort of bond as what I did with these friends. I don’t really have any other friends that i’ve known since I was three years old. I have a few from high school and one that i’ve known since I was ten, however, we didn’t get close or even hang out at each others house until high school.

I guess ultimately... those posts that say “you deserve better” and “forgive and forget, just let go”... I don’t know if I can that easily... especially since how these friendships ended have caused me to question whether i’m worth it to begin with and usually bring up the memory that i’m trying to forget...

Continuation of paragraph friend #2 and then friend #3.

Paragraph 2

She tried to suggest a lot of things I was against. It wasn’t as if she was saying “oh come on, try out this video game, or hey try out this tv show” because those things are safe. I’m quite open to those. No, it was drinking, smoking pot, and having sex. I don’t believe she has ever smoked cigarettes or done any drugs however, for me drinking, and smoking pot are not on my bucket list, nor is having sex. She never understood why I didn’t want to drink or smoke. I’m okay with others doing so as long as they are doing so responsibly. For myself though, I have had a few family members have liver complications due to alcoholism or become dependent on it and go through periods of time where they nearly lost their children due to it. For both though the ultimate issue I have is that I know if I like something, I will crave it and I will do anything I can to get it. I will abuse it and use it on a level I shouldn’t. (I once ate twelve coconut buns in row because they are so delicious and then threw up but wanted more. I still will eat three at once if I buy any and that really shouldn’t happen since they are SUPER sugary and will give me diabetes...) Point is... I know I have an addictive personality so I don’t want to even try something because it could end up ruining my life. I also am someone who likes control, ESPECIALLY control of my body. Often I feel like my world is hard to control which produces a lot of anxiety. If I add in any substance that could alter my perception of reality, well... it just spells disaster. She didn’t get this when I tried to explain it. She never got it. She just kept pushing. She also thought for some reason I was terrified of sex. She thought that by telling me in depth details of her own sex life it would somehow make me go “oh yes, sex is wonderful, I want it now!” and it’s like... no... you actually are really creeping me out and i’m finding what you are telling me slightly disturbing. The thing is... sex to me is something that would be really awkward, and pointless. #1 I don’t want children. (Unless I adopt.) and #2 Sex appears really boring to me in general. It is literally two gross and sweaty people sticking their parts in each other and wriggling around. TBH it sounds like a waste of time to me. (Now obviously this is different for lots of people but this is how I see it...) Now for me i’ve always had crushes on people, elementary school, high school, university... but one thing I noticed with all of them was that I could never fathom the idea of having sex with them, ever. I then started realizing that I was attracted to all of these people, just not sexually. At first I thought I was kind of broken, until I realized “Oh hey what is this thing called asexuality? You mean there are OTHER people like ME?!” I decided to come out as asexual to her. Bottom line was... she didn’t believe me. She told me that I “didn’t act” like I was asexual... whatever that means... and that I was just scared of sex. When I tried to explain to her how I was feeling she continued to tell me “no, I don’t think you are asexual, you just have not found “the one” yet” and at one point she even was like “asexuality isn’t even really a thing, why do you even feel like you have to label yourself?” and honestly... that was the moment I went “Whoah, okay... I have put how much effort into this friendship? I’m always the one who goes to visit you... you don’t visit me... and when you do, it is little “half hour visits” because “oh i’m sorry Shannon, I only come back to this town to visit my parents, so I can only see you for half an hour” (Excuse me what? What does that make me? Am I just a pit stop? I travel two hours to visit you, not even in my hometown, but when we are literally five minutes down the road from each other it’s “sorry I don’t have time” EXCUSE ME?!) I buy you gifts that I know you will ACTUALLY like and use and are thoughtful, I make an effort to ask about your life and actually care and never once have I ever pressured you into anything or suggested I know you better than you know yourself and this, THIS is what i’m getting in response to that?!” Needless to say after this... I have not talked to her much. It isn’t even that I hate her... I just wish that she understood, however, I have always been the one to see her, on her own terms, and on her territory. If she really wants to keep me as a friend, it is her turn to come see me, so I can try to explain my feelings. I’m done explaining things over the internet, or in front of an audience (her parents, sister, boyfriend, other friends). We never actually get alone time, so how do I even explain something if there are other biased opinions floating about? Or how about the fact that i’d like to have private conversations with my friends once in awhile...

Paragraph 3

My intentions were always positive. I tried to post on tumblr and be like “Hey this is a new cool thing that i’m into! Please check it out because I love you and I want you to be open to new things!” Now obviously she never had to like them, I never was like “Oh my gosh you have to like this or else!” I would never force anything on someone. All I ever did was suggest stuff to her. Usually tv shows, movies, or books. We used to always exchange interests, chat about them, and were open to exploring new ones. I often had (and still have) many of the tv shows she watches on my “to watch” list. Many of the tv shows we used to watch together and keep up with I have stopped watching, BUT that never meant that I stopped appreciating them. I enjoyed the shows, and tbh i’m sad that I don’t enjoy them anymore, but i’m happy she still can. Ultimately, if she is passionate about something, anything, it makes me happy because I know it makes her happy. I liked being around her, just being around her made me happy, knowing that she was there, because she was familiar and felt like family, and that was the best feeling in the world. As we got older, I tried exploring new avenues of conversation, topics that I would often explore with other friends (tbh my current ones), topics like politics, or inter-sectional feminism, current news, or academic achievements... but this didn’t always go over that well. I don’t really know if we had different opinions, or if she just didn’t know some of the things I was talking about? I know that not everyone likes to talk about serious topics, but I thought since we shared different interests and she wasn’t pursuing any of my suggestions that I might strike up conversation somewhere else. I felt like I was constantly trying to find something we had in common again and was failing. What was the worst thing though... was feeling like she was failing me, and not knowing why. Just like (well tbh I do this with all of my friends) I pay attention to my friends interests and needs and when it comes time to celebrate a birthday or holiday if I am giving out a card or gift, it is going to be super personal, well thought out, and will play to their interests and needs. I always did this with her... and yet I felt like she somehow never got the message to try out the same thing? I felt like she didn’t pay attention at all to anything that I liked. Bath accessories, scarves, and picture frames are nice and I really really like them, and appreciate the thought (of giving a gift at all)... but they never seemed like gifts that any thought or effort was put into them. I often felt like she never took any interest at all in what I liked... even though I actively would try out her suggestions, or try to keep up to a certain extent with shows I stopped watching, simply because I knew she still watched them and I wanted us to be able to talk about something. I’m not even sure if she really tried any of the suggestions I had for her... (Unless we were at my place and I wanted to show her something.) And then, she didn’t even seem to appreciate the fact that I liked something... she didn’t care that I was a fan of this or that. It felt like she was just dissing everything that I liked, and that kind of hit me on a personal level. What does she think of me then if she hates literally everything I like? To top it off though... she has always said “oh don’t worry about it, I just go with the flow” or “eh whatever, you choose” or “I don’t care” in response to making a choice to see a movie, go shopping somewhere, go on an outing etc. Every time there was a choice involved I often ended up choosing it because she didn’t make up her mind, or she basically told me to choose. At the end of all of this though... she was the one who said “I hate that you never let me choose anything” meanwhile... actually I would have. There was always that option, but a decision would never have been made, or made last minute because she never made up a solid selection and therefore I just ended up taking the lead. She also would complain about not having her drivers license and being able to get places, or that she wasn’t in school or could not get a job... she did this often. I would offer her suggestions on how to get her drivers license or into college or help her with her resume. I told her I would help her study and apply and help with cover letters. My suggestions were never made in bad faith, only meant to be helpful. I thought that if she was complaining, maybe she was asking me for help? Maybe she wasn’t sure what she was doing wrong and needed someone to help her. Apparently though she just wanted to vent and needed me to listen. If she had told me to begin with though that she was happy with how things were and didn’t want her drivers license, didn’t want to get into school, or didn’t care about a job then I would have stopped the suggestions, but she never asked me to stop or indicated that she just wanted me to listen, so how was I supposed to know that my suggestions were upsetting her? In the end apparently she has had resentment building up because I kept taking the lead on things... I kept trying to “force” her to like things she didn’t like, or that I was “opinionated” because I actually care about what is going on in the world and think that as adults it is important that we know what is going on in society so that we can be part of the change for the better instead of part of the problem. The reality is that I never EVER wanted her to think this of me, only the complete opposite! All I have ever wanted for her was happiness. All I ever wanted was to be the best friend possible. Losing her felt like I was being hit by a train. Out of everyone... she hurt me the most. She says that I hurt her... but honestly... maybe if she looked at all the decisions i’ve made throughout our friendship, she would realize they were for her, not me. Sure I can joke, sure I can take the lead, but not one minute was I not thinking “I hope that she likes this, gosh I hope that she is happy, I hope she is okay, ugh she is the best!”. Apparently I came off as the opposite of what I hoped and tried to be. I cared too much, and basically got shot through the heart for it. Even though it has been a few months I still cry about the outcome every once in awhile. I felt like I put so much effort into that friendship... and I never really got anything in return but basically a slap in the face. I never judged her for who she was and is and yet I feel like all she was doing all along was judging me, and now all I am is trash.

#personal #ImaginaryCloud8 #text post

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