#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.

[talkorsomething]

I have Got to get more transgender

[yoshistory]

part of me still feels like i might be sort of genderfluid and/or bisexual but just traumatized about it. no idea anymore

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

[mochinomnoms]

Hellooo

Congrats on your 1K!!!🎉🎉🎉

I discovered you blog recently and I am HOOKED, your writing is so tasty and fluid that I just keep going ✧⁠◝⁠(⁠⁰⁠▿⁠⁰⁠)⁠◜⁠✧

I Hope you dont get too tired with requests, take breaks and drink water!!!

Ok for the actual ask, may I have a dialogue 19 with Eyedress, and if it were suggestive it would be perfect

Preferably Ruggie💞 you can choose the other 2 (If you even want to)

ruggie bucchi x gn!reader [tags] — suggestive, tiny bit of hurt but not really [wc} - 1, 025 prompt 19 “I try to find a reason to pull us apart"” song: Kiss Me Like It’s the First Time (Eyedress, “Let's Skip to the Wedding”) note - Ruggie canonically calls you a puppy. take that with what you will. francesca (1k event)

“Kiss me like it's the last time/ You'll fall in love / I always want your love”

Ruggie knows that compared to everyone else on campus, he was the bottom of the barrel. He wasn’t a prince, an heir to a fortune, or even from a well-off family. Sure, his Grandma was a wonderful lady, maybe a bit strict growing up, but besides her and their home, Ruggie didn’t have much to offer. Maybe if you weren’t in such a bad spot, if you had a good family here, if you hadn’t been plucked from your world with nothing but the clothes on your back, he’d be happy to call you his own. 

But he can’t. How can he when you have people willing to drop thousands of thaumarks on you like it’s nothing. Literally! He was listening to Kalim run his mouth as he talked about renovating Ramshackle to your preference. 

“Oh! And we can get you quartz countertops! What kind of colors do you like, I can have it made to your favorite aesthetic! Ooh, what if we replaced all the appliances to match it? The kitchen back home has a gas stove built into the countertop, we can replace—”

“Uh, I’d need gas for that though, right?” You laughed, splayed across Ruggie as you two lay in your bed. Kalim was on video call with you, having gone back home for the weekend for some sort of event. You’d been complaining about one of your kitchen cabinets breaking and letting your few plates tumble out. Thank the Seven that they were plastic dishes. 

Kalim being, well, Kalim, immediately went into a tangent about adding in a gas line to your dorm and adding this and that. Everyone was acutely aware that Kalim, as generous and kind as he was, was especially sweet on you. There were even some rumors that he had a crush on you, something that made Ruggie feel ill. 

You just laughed off Kalim as he continued to whine about fixing up the dorm. You ended the call as you cheerfully told Kailm goodnight. 

“Do whatever you want Kalim, I won’t complain about free renovations! Good night, say bye Rugs.”

“Hmm? Oh, bye Kalim.” Ruggie gave Kalim a small smile and wave, who returned it with a beaming grin. 

After a few more words between you and Kalim, you finally ended the video call, tossing your phone to the night stand, and moving to straddle Ruggie’s hips. 

“What’s wrong?”

Ruggie blinked up at you in confusion. “What?”

“What’s wrong? Your ears are flat, they only go flat when you’re upset.” Ruggie whimpered as you leaned down to flutter kisses down his throat, shuddering as you pressed your teeth against his Adam's apple. 

“You wanna tell me what’s wrong? You jealous?” 

“Mmh, no I’m just—aaaAAAaaaAhH!” Ruggie yelped as you dug your teeth into the nape of his neck, suckling until you were satisfied with the bruising red mark forming on his skin. 

“Geez, give a guy a warning, won’t ya?” Ruggie let out a breathless chuckle, his chest rumbling as he purred from each kiss you pressed up your neck as you hovered over his lips. “You’re nothing but trouble, Puppy.”

“And yet, you love this trouble, don’t you?” The sound of your kissing, mixed with gasps and sighs from both of you echoed in the room.

“Now tell me,” Ruggie tried following your lips as you pulled away, but you kept him pinned to the bed. By now, you’d managed to throw his shirt across the room and traced your nails down Ruggie’s chest. “Why are you upset? Was it Kalim’s call? You know, he just likes to say hi sometimes.”

Ruggie pinned his ears flatter against his head, huffing as he looked to the side, though be traced his hands up and down your arms. 

“Nothin’, it’s just that Kalim sure likes to spoil ya. You know?”

You hummed, waiting for him to keep going. 

“I’m just saying, he’s really sweet on you. Maybe you should consider taking advantage and marrying the guy!” Ruggie laughed, though it sounded forced. 

He stopped as you clicked your tongue, leaning back down to bite at his cheek. 

“Hey! You know your teeth aren’t really sharp enough for that.” Ruggie chuckled as you stopped and pouted, looking up at him as you batted your eyelashes. 

“Hmph, it’s like you just wanna get rid of me.”

“That’s not what I meant—”

“That’s what it sounds like!” You argued, huffing into his neck as you pushed yourself against his chest and neck, like you were trying to mold yourself to him. “You always do this. If I didn’t want to be with you, I would’ve left already…”

Ruggie sighed, rubbing the skin between your shirt and bottoms with his thumbs. “I know, I know. I just think that you oughta take advantage. Kalim’s not the only one, and you’re all by yourself here! Get yourself a rich boyfriend, and you’re set for life!”

You suddenly grabbed the back of his head, pulling at his hair to make Ruggie expose his neck again. He whimpered at the rough touch, though his tail was wagging rapidly against the sheets. 

“And why would I do that?” His hand slid under your shirt and up your spine. He gently scratched your back as you shuddered into his touch. “When I have such a lovely boyfriend?”

Lips molded against each other, teeth clashed, and hips rolled as Ruggie, once again, failed to push you away. Instead, as he slipped your shirt off and moved to give you your own love bites and hickeys, Ruggie moved to bring your bodies closer together. Ruggie let himself lose himself in you once again, and would continue to do so. Again and again, until he found another half-hearted excuse. 

But for now? 

You pulled away again, breathless and flushed. “I just want to spoil my hardworking hyena, won’t you let your Puppy do that?” The down right heady tone in your voice, in that low, soft whine, made him hot in all the right places. Ruggie nodded, giving you the okay to wreck him. 

For now, he’ll indulge, shamelessly, in you. As long as you’ll continue to have him. 

comments and reblogs appreciated 🩷

[genderkoolaid]

How do you respond to people who try to argue against various gender affirming surgeries with anorexic people wanting liposuction? I tried to point out that theres a lot of gender affirming surgeries for cis people who dont feel feminine/masculine enough, but my sister said that those people need therapy too. I feel that there's a difference between trans people and anorexic people but idk how to put it into words, im scared i accidentally made her more transphobic bc i didnt have arguments :(

Good question! It's important to question and critique our ideas of what separates "good, natural desires which should not be changed" from "bad, unnatural desires which should be changed," and I think sometimes trans people are too quick to reaffirm this binary in our attempts to defend transness.

I would say that the difference here is based in anxieties. Anorexia is born out of anxiety- which is to say, a persist concern over something that triggers strong emotional reactions and which you keep returning to over and over and over without resolution. Dysphoria can and does cause anxiety, but you can be dysphoric without having anxiety over it. You can have dysphoria, find relief, and be satisfied with your body, while there is never any satisfaction point with eating disorders. There is always a feeling of "not enough" because the desire to be skinnier is born out of anxiety over what it means to be fat & fatness' place in society (lesser value, moral weakness, medical abuse, etc.).

Like I said, dysphoria can and does cause anxiety. There are trans people who obsess over their bodies being too masculine/feminine because they are concerned with what it means for them to be too masculine/feminine: it means they aren't real, they are ugly, they're failure. And this is why its important for trans people to sit with our dysphoria and analyze it. If you are constantly worrying about your body being "real" enough, no amount of surgery or HRT will fix that (although it may fix many things).

Now, I am generally against any solution thats like "we should stop Those People from doing x because We know whats best for them!" because autonomy is a vital part of my beliefs, and I think that people rarely ever react well to being banned from doing something Because Mother Knows Best. The real goal with, say, EDs, is to get rid of the artificial desire for thinness by combating fatphobia (ah, if only all the anti-ED campaigns out there did this). The same with plastic surgery: I would much rather we focus on dismantling the system that makes people (esp. perceived women) feel they need to make their bodies fulfill the beauty standard, than saying that plastic surgery is Evil and we should stop anyone from ever getting it, because those little people aren't capable of using their basic right to bodily autonomy correctly. When we ban something, what we really want is to change people's desires. But that requires cultural change, and laws don't create cultural change out of thin air. Its like how yelling at your kids doesn't make them more honest or better people, it just makes them better liars.

Given that trans people exist in every society, potentially going back to the Stone Age, even after we unwork systemic misogyny & homophobia, trans people are still gonna want surgeries. So we should just work on combating those things instead of trying to control people's bodies.

[whoisneo404]

Kitchen accident part 2.

Summary: after what happened on the kitchen you decided to watch a movie, not knowing that you would have some ‘issues’ down there. You decide to go the bathroom to satisfy yourself but can’t seem to finish, frustrated you decide to ask Nick for help.

Tw: general nsfw. Cursing.

Notes: Reader is amab.

Note 2: someone requested this on my dms, i hope you enjoy it. i changed the prompt a bit, i hope you dont mind.

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3.

A comedy movie was playing on the screen, I don’t know its name or what is it about, I really don’t care. I’m shifting and moving around every second, I feel restless. I look at Nick from time to time and he’s laughing and saying corny things like ‘’why would he do that?’’ and criticizing the characters decisions. I can’t stop thinking about what happened in the kitchen, I can’t stop staring at Nicks hands and neck, I feel bad but I can’t get this thought out of my head.

‘’I’m going to the bathroom. Give me a minute.’’ I say standing up and putting the pillow that was on my lap on the bed.

‘’Want me to pause the movie?’’ he looks at me, quickly grabbing the tv remote.

‘’No, it’s okay.’’ I say and rush to the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I hear the movie being muffled by the door. I let out a sigh, I see the bulge on my sleeping pants and let out a grunt, why am I like this? I’ll make this as quick as possible.

I slide down my pants and boxers just enough to be able to jerk off. I try to be fast so I can go back to watch the movie, I sniff on the shirt Nick gave me after he socked mine, it smells like him and it’s driving me crazy. But no matter what I do, I can’t seem to finish. Frustration grows on me, I try one last time but nothing happens, with disappointment and anger I let out a groan, I can’t do this anymore.

I hear knocking at the door. ‘’Everything good?’’ it’s Nick, fuck, why me?

‘’No. I mean, yes… I just… god, fuck this.’’ I reach out and unlock the door, pulling up my pants and boxers then opening the door. He looks me in the eyes, scanning the situation. ‘’Please, I can’t do it, help me.’’ I look away from him embarrassed and I see him walk closer to me.

‘’Help with what?’’ he was teasing, I could hear it in his voice, and I’m sure that by now he is well aware of the situation on my pants. I let out a sigh, my face was hot.

‘’Please, Nick. Help me with this.’’ I look down at myself and then up to him, he’s smirking.

‘’Okay, pretty boy. I’ll help you with that.��’ He grabs my waist softly pulling me into him and kissing my lips, it was sweet at first, romantic and tender. He guides us to the bed while we kiss, my knees hit the edge of the bed and I fall into it. Nick pushes me so I’m laying down, he gets on top of me and starts kissing me again, this time with more tongue it’s messy and I love it. Unconsciously I start rolling my hips against his, I feel him get hard against my clothed skin, and I need more.

His hands are wondering, exploring my body, they stop on my thighs rubbing them up and down. I squirm a bit and he starts to toy with the hem of my pants. ‘’Just take them off already’’ I slur out between kisses and he does, sliding them down painfully slow.

The cold hair hits my skin and he raises his shirt but I shake my head. ‘’I wanna keep it on.’’ He smiles and nods, kissing my stomach a and thighs a bit, biting down on them, leaving red marks here and there. I moan his name, I feel his breath closer and closer to my dick, but his lips never touch it, I squirm around, speaking non sense, almost begging him to please touch it. He leaves a kiss on it, and then puts it into his mouth.

‘’Shit.’’ I groan, one hand on his hair and the other on my face. He goes up and down, my back arches, I see him look up at me, I cover my eyes and throw my head back. I’m moaning and grunting uncontrollably. My head is dizzy with his smell, with his touches. I feel myself getting closer and closer, and he stops, his mouth no longer in my, one of his hands now are grabbing both of mine and putting them on top of my head.

He kisses me, and with the other hand grabs my dick pumping it up and down, faster and faster. I moan against his mouth, his big hands holding me down, making me go crazy. My eyes roll to the back of my skull and I let out a notoriously loud moan. My back touches the bed again, I feel the wetness on my stomach and Nick gives me one last sweet kiss.

‘’Wow, that was… you were amazing.’’ He whispers. ‘’Think I need you give you another of my shirts.’’

‘’Thanks.’’ I whisper.

‘’No needs to, I enjoyed this a lot. Maybe next time we can do more things.’’

‘’Next time?... I mean, yeah, that would be awesome.’’ I smile and he kisses my cheek.

‘’All right, I’m gonna go shower now.’’ He says and gets up walking slowly to the bathroom. ‘’I wouldn’t mind if someone follows me and showers with me. After all, I do have a problem that needs solving down here.’’

‘’Oh god, Nick shut up.’’ I cover my face and he laughs. ‘’give me a minute to catch my breath, I’ll be there.’’

[drdemonprince]

Hi! I remember you talking about doing shadow work (in a reply to an ask, I think); do you have any advice on how to start? Especially for someone who who has a really hard time with consistency/habits? Thanks!

For me it is not an intentional practice separate from my regular life, it is an orientation toward my own most negative thoughts/impulses/reactions. I do not believe that any thought is harmful or morally wrong to have, and so when I experience a thought that is violent, cruel, bitter, pathetic, prejudicial, short-tempered, jealous, whatever else, I accept it, and study it with curiosity rather than self-condemnation.

I notice patterns over time in what I am particularly un-evolved and unenlightened about. What hang ups do I have? What weird bullshit respectability politics or traditional gender norms do I still apply to myself or to others? Who do I fuckin hate and why?

Which of these things can I just kind of shrug at and accept as a feature of my programming and which ones do I see seriously holding back my life? That's probably the hardest part of shadow work for me. I'm very aware of a lot of my flaws and the things i'm irrationally emotionally reactive to and defensive about, but I get attached to my way of seeing things. It can be scary to become more open-minded and uncertain and less spiky. And some things just aren't easy to change even if I want them to. Part of shadow work means allowing oneself to be in an unfinished state.

Another part of it for me is accepting with a dark kind of gratitude that the world would be a pretty terrible place if everyone was like me. There is so much about humanity that I do not understand. I could never be a surgeon. I could never be a good parent. I could never be a social worker. There is so much I am so bad at. Maybe this is the Narcissism and Lack of Empathy talking, but I've had to really humble myself. I used to think I was so much more rational and less of a waster of time and resources than most people around me. Now I realize I have run on self-denial and repressed emotionality for a very long time and demanded that life have some Purpose when it doesn't. So a lot of my shadow work has been acknowledging my ultimate smallness and feebleness and just general uselessness -- i have a lot to be grateful to other people for doing, but also life has no purpose that needs to be fulfilled so i can just exist and suck for every single second that i'm alive if that's what i'm gonna do.

radical acceptance shit is definitely mixed in there, and some DBT kinda strategies. I've finally arrived at a place where I can love my dissatisfaction as a core part of me and accept that life is not meant to be happy and comfortable. we always keep moving, changing our environments to make them a little better, chasing after new passions and then getting disillusioned with them, falling in and out of love, getting lost. we're always lost. we're always making mistakes and being dumb as humans. that's like what we are. silly little freaks that make up lots of pretend games for fun but then get swept up in believing them too much. i kind of feel at peace now with the fact that i'll always be messy and impulsive and have weird beliefs and will change constantly and look back on my past with a cringe reaction every four or five years. i dont expect myself to ever arrive, because what the hell would that look like?? being satisfied and happy sure sounds a lot like being dead.

[queerfortress2]

transman reader x a very pathetic sniper and medic PLEASSEEE im tired of seeing them written as dominant alpha men

HELLO HELLO LETS SEE WHOS UP FIRST

*adjusting glasses* I LOVE THIS!! LITERALLY WITH YOU ON THIS ONE I WANNA DOMINATE SOME MEN (tf2 reference) let's get right into this before i make a fool of myself oh dear — mod medic! <3

TRANSMASC!READER X MEDIC + SNIPER (SEPERATE)

SNIPER

major MAJORRR bi energy from him, i just think he wouldn't mind dating a man. problem at hand i think he's so very bad at dating in general and it being man doesn't make it worse per se, but now he's just 10x more awkward

he's seen hetero dating on TV! but how does it work with another man? he's so awkward i love him...

you WILL have to make most of the moves anyway, I don't really think he's dominant I think he's like. a loser, you feel? like a loser/pos though.

very very touch starved

like if you even hold his hand i think it would be easy to fluster him hes so pathetic

upon reaction i am one of those girlies who think he would throw his hat over his face and murmur something about being 'okay' and that you were just looking at him funny

sure mundy. sure. whatever YOU wanna believe.

other than that hes super physical while alone with you, i dont think much in public but i think if you catch him really tired in bed he would cling to you like a very lanky and large koala.

dont call him out about it he will fold

all in all? i think he desires some softer lovin. like after a harsh days work of being a mercenary i think he just NEEDS it

MEDIC

hehe. guess whos my favourite mercenary

i think hes just gay. sorry even as a woman i can acknowledge thats a man who likes men

probably offered you surgery. please deny it though. like for your own safety i genuinely think its better to just keep them

flustering? mmm. i think its a little harder, especially in a dominating manner. i always see him as a little bit of a control freak, so he would be a little .. stubborn about it

not to say its impossible! because its not impossible but its hard to do!

i'd say be.. harsher with it. sniper likes that softer love i think medic (to fluster him even in the slightest) would need something more out there

PIN HIM TO A DESK, CORNER THAT MAN, FIGH—

ahem

be brash is all im saying

i think while hes working late at night its easier, he isn't expecting anything specific and at that our he probably advises you just to sleep, its only a tad bit easier to deal with him at that our, you can be a little soft with him

he will bring his up later though

not now, no, he still wants to work, but SOON. PREPARE

i?? hope?? thats okay? I DONT EXACTLY* KNOW* WHAT LENGTH MY WRITINGS MUST BE! BUT HOPEFULLY YOU'RE SATISFIED DEAR ANON, TILL WE MEET AGAIN!!!

[mvmnbnv]

Hi, I don’t know if you’ve spoken in depth about your feelings on Vi’s relationship with Caitlyn or what you think of Caitvi, but I know you mentioned you can’t seem to enjoy the ship as much. Although they said Arcane is now canon, we can all assume the general direction of her character will be like in the game. How do you feel about that? Would you be satisfied?

I know for myself I can relate to not being able to enjoy the ship as much. How I consume content around them has kinda been lowkey ruined because of their fans. I definitely think I’m being ridiculous and overly sensitive.

I just dislike how they’ve chosen to speak on the overall characters/plot/storyline especially ones that are quite serious, but then analyze things in the most black and white way. Including Vi’s character where they can’t even try to put herself in her shoes and think about everything she’s experienced, but then just be so…shallow about it. It’s like they’re not seeing her entire character or story. Just her relationship. Her own fans can’t even give her some basic empathy.

I hate how I’m basically letting them ruin the show for me. It’s ridiculous of me to react this way.

hi!

i havent spoken in depth here about caitvi mostly because my content is pretty vi centric. if anything i just mention caitlyn in passing unless i have an analysis on her too. but i really am unsure about how i feel about the ship atm, and its mostly because of what we've already seen but also what we havent seen. and yeah then there's the fandom itself. they speak about vi in pretty shallow ways when it comes to her pain and it just gets frustrating. but its also the choices theyve let us know they made with her and it almost seems like she has no plot outside of caitlyn. during her pitfighter arc caitlyn is all she thinks about. not vander? her mom? Loris (her big enforcer buddy) after they parted ways? hell not powder??? the one who she failed in her mind?? they were planning on putting a cupcake on the back of her jacket? really...? during a time like that? meanwhile one of the writers go on about listening to songs about unrequited love and how they inspired her decisions...like im not a fan. I already know the unrequited stuff is going to be coming from cait's side because of where she is at this point, while vi puts all this time into her, another creator even implying that cait is pretty much home for her now.. the imbalance in this relationship is just icky to me and i feel bad for vi's end of it. especially after having everything ripped from her during her pitfighter arc. for fuck sake i need them to adress this attitude she has toward caitlyn as the character flaw that it is. but the thing is i havent even watched the show so how do i know they dont, yknow? and the way things are set up in their LoL lore, from vi having her own place to them only being speculated to have had something going on by the people around them but not really being confirmed, makes me hopeful for vi. i need her to start putting up boundaries, start having a spine and to not just lean on caitlyn, because we already see it not end well for her. this season is going to stress their power imbalance further and it makes me just hope they go about it in the right way, and that vi isnt just some love sick puppy crawling back to cait after all the shit she's done (enacting martial law, working with ambessa etc) because she's dependent, espeically when one of the writers has been going on about unrequited love...that just feels gross.

in conclusion yeah, its kind of a mix of fandom and what has been presented so far as far as trailers and whatnot. dont feel bad that thats how you feel, it happens lol. but we all will have plenty of time to make our own conclusions when we see the show in its full glory

[darkbluekies]

Hello 🧐 saw that rude comment of an anon and... manners????💀 I really hope that was just a very poor worded comment and not meant like that!

Never get down with such comments! You're writing is legitimate perfect and perfection does take its time!

And MAY I ADD that you also didn't just left, but taking your time to interact with us daily and try to catch up asks and such!

youre are OBVIOUSLY very diligent and VERY patient ❤❤❤ PLUS the long ocean liner story??!!! HELLOOO???!

Yeah, I rest my case. One of the BEST and my most favourite hobby authors ngl! I am actually a very picky reader, rarely there are stories on the internet that keeps me interested and wanting for more 😍 And here are the crack stuff you asked for lol

Just a sneeze... Kry won't rest until darling literally does...

I forgot Krys glasses in the last one 😪

Darling stole the maid apron btw...

And this one was dedicated to one of your answers about a Hedwigs ask :3 where anon described how secretly scary Hedwig is bc you dont realise her intentions until its too late. And your answer's ending where you described darling being genuine and not having the urge to impress her like others made me think that a frugal!darling would be the most funniest partner for Hedwig lol. Someone who just doesnt want to spend money excessively despite its there... yeah have fun Hedwig! Mwah! :D

so yeah, that slap was personal too lmao, I dont trust a robot vaccum cleaner to be reliable XDD i am sorta a clean addict ^^

I have another one but that is wayyyyy too long and messy to finish it, in general these sketches are a hot mess (i apologize, I normally never post such unfinished wips but I hope you still had fun. Imma show you the other sketch per chat though :p)

Haha omg no these are fantastic what the hell? I laughed out loud in public and now people probably wonder what tf I'm doing😅 I love these so much. I'm not going to lie however, I thought it was Silas in the second comic before I read the explanation. Which means that I was totally fine with him wearing a maid apron. I do not know how to feel about that ...

Fun story, we own a robot vacuum that is ass, and one day it just ... disappeared? Literally grew legs and walked away. I looked for 30 minutes after that damn thing. IT HAD HIDDEN ITSELF UNDER MY MOTHERS FUCKING WARDROBE ... ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE APARTMENT?

I see that you've sent a private message so I'm going to take a peak right after this!!

I'm sure the anon used the wrong wording! But they're getting a story later on today so I hope that will satisfy them :) but thank you so much for your nice words, they warmed my heart🥹🫶🏻🩷

[nicegaai]

im attempting my fic reread today. im announcing this bc i will be liveblogging to keep my morale up, NOT THAT anyone cares but i personally need this, like ill only commit to do the thing if theres an imaginary audience holding me accountable. & i like to have fun :3

anyway. captains log, its a beautiful sunny july weekend. i just finished my morning coffee, and, i am dreading this so much. i dont like rereading my own writing but i shall get over it. ok here we go.

Þetta Reddast vagueblogged directors commentary edition

Ch 1:

*opens fic and starts convulsing immediately* god i wish i smoked weed rn. i cannot chill out ever for the life of me

My Mission For Today Is: to remember what plot threads I’ve left hanging so I can resolve this story properly. And also try n remember where the flow is going. I have the end plotted out, I just am a little lost … it’s been a while :-(

------------

Abrupt beginning!!!! I’m not mad because I have . I HAD. Almost no writing experience when I started this. it isn’t ideal but I refuse to be one of those fanfic writers that starts rewriting early chapters without finishing the last ones. Ive never seen one of those types actually finish a longfic. …I’d already rather yap than actually read LMAO AHH

Oh this is worse than I remember. thats cool that s great ok alright *coughs up blood*

"20 somethings" WOW I really did not know where I was going with this when I started huh

LKJSDLKSJDLGKGDJSLDGJK ??? Who authorized this. Who let me cook. What the hell

I could write this better now. I could edit this into something beautiful. <- devil on my shoulder

FORGOT I WAS MAKING RICE BRB

"generously offered nothing to the exchange." wait STOPPPP. I’m so funny

GRAMMAR ERROR DETECTED why is there two periods. I’ll be coming back to fix that …………………. :-(((

Fuck. This is a lot. Marge Simpson Hiding Her Face dot Png

Oh this is stupid this is gayyy this is fukcinnn . Who fucking did t his. What was wrong with me,. This is so good actually. what was i ONNNN. 

Im gonna throw up and I don’t know if thats like/. A complimentary thing or if im just cringing that hard . Im feeling emotions. I love my OTPs..OT3~5? I love them so so much

Ok as much as im like “eww bad writing” this is .. dare I say, rly good in places. Not to suck my own dick but maybe all hope isnt lost and imposter syndrome is an illusion

Grammar mistake #2. Goddddddd. they should ban me from the archive for this

EMILLLLL EMIL EMIL EMIL HIIIIII BABYYYY EMILLL I LOVE UUUU AWWHUUGHH everyone clap for my bewoved baby bruvver right FUCKING now

Urghhh gritting my teeth… Im fully expecting the flow of events to start not making any gd sense. There’s no way this came together the way I hoped in my head and .... For real I was never able to read this all the way thru. this is my first time, lol. and it was all disjointed on the authorial end to say the least. Im scared T-T

Jlxjvklsdkjfsjlkdkjlsjklkljzsdkjlgaskljdgjklasljkgdljkasljkdgjklasjlkdgljkaskljdgjakl?????????? 

Im not liking the ratio of dialogue to whatever the other stuff is. scene-setting I guess. prose maybe. i could have dragged this out way longer... By which I mean made it a more satisfying read. But WHATEVER !!!! 

TIMO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIMOOOOOOOOOO NUMERO UNOOOO DO MUNDOOOOOO I really need to utilize him more. As soon as I finish this fic I need to write a Timo POV spinoff where he gets cancelled on furry twitter for proshipping in real life

Hmmmm chapter ending didn’t hit as hard in practice as it did in drafts. Oh well. God damn that was a lot to happen in one chapter LMAOO???

OH SHIT MY RICE IS STILL COOKING —— 

[fictionfixations]

edit: if anyone saw a post where i was being all depressed because i lost the post i was working on. turns out tumblr did post it but my sleep deprived brain didnt think to check my posts !??! thats my bad

i make poor decisions when its late and i really shouldnt be playing gacha games because i get more impulsive then i usually am but also outside of 'i really want halloween riddle' i and someone else were praying for each others pulls (we both wanted riddle) and were gonna stay up until it did the daily reset to immediately start pulling so here i am (if you've seen my other posts you should know that it was also like this in HSR that I pulled Jade even though I didn't have an erudition built and didnt really want her but tired me thought ..what if i pulled and then i got her and then i didnt have pulls for jiaoqiu)

Result is, Halloween Rook (30 pulls) Halloween Riddle (60 pulls) and then since I was already there I decided to pull until 100 where I got Halloween Silver (100 pulls) its a good haul👍 but also rip all my pull savings. but also now i have all the cards i ever wanted (riddle as a fav and silver cause when i first started and looked at everyones card art his halloween one was really pretty) so like. this is good with me 🤷

anyway the only card remaining on my like. wish list(???) i guess is like. next main story card. erRr JP SpoiLeRS but Sebek Armor of Eternal Night or something like that. cause General Lilia duos with Sebek. but honestly not that big a deal sometimes i find dorm uniform sebek's as peoples support card

but thats less a want want and more i want him to make my cards strong instead of i just want to pull them i probably wont use them but like i want them (i probably will use them in the future but i need to build my main team first 💀)

in any case i do like sebek but also idk man

like. i set a bunch of goals of stuff i really wanted to do as a twst player when first starting which was really a bunch of ideals (like it didnt really seem possible and i figured id have to settle for less?) but like

i wanted halloween riddle and silver general lilia tropical wear riddle i got all of them

also i wanted to get every riddle card cause ppl were doing it for the favorites and i really liked riddle. so i got his birthday bloom. i do NOT have his other birthday cards because ooh boy i do not have the funds for that im perfectly content with my birthday bloom, one ssr at a time please. but so im content with that, still marking it was ok since tbh i dont really expect to get them all since i usually play f2p and also even i got all of them wtf do i do with them ???? but so check anyways for birthday bloom. but also besides that i literally got him in the first ten pull TWICE so like. i feel like that should count ?? cause that was stupid crazy luck 😭

and i wanted two dorm uniform cards who duo'd off of each other so i could have like two of them in one turn and it does the satisfying double duo thing when it switches between them attacking

which i can do. because i got dorm riddle when i first started, and i got dorm azul a bit ago who im working on getting the books for. so i can do that too.

and then i also wanted to be the kind of player who had a bunch of strong cards built that i could switch between a bunch of them for battles. which i do i just need to build them.

so its like.

??? idk what to do now

i yapped a lot more than i thought i would

um.

[feisaru]

I perfectly understand you most of the time. And it's good your other leg got better

I said morning because I know you are now a nocturnal animal. Something I can't be for now because people get upset at me over that. So I had actually been up fooor... approximately 12 hours by the time I wrote that yesterday. Feel free to ignore this unless you really wanna read it and do not feel obliged to respond, these are just ramblings of a madman/srs. Yesterday was a little frustrating because my brain was flooded with drawing ideas and very full of thoughts in general while I had to do stuff and live and get mad at how slow I am. At least I lived up to my own "you're not going to shower until you're done with that drawing" policy (I say that as if I wanted to shower lmao...)

I still learning unfortunately

[kosmicdream]

I got this ask on curiouscat but.. the site wont let me post my reply?? so i just decided to put it here since i dont get a lot of questions these days. so i like to answer them when i actually have something more to say. this one also went kinda off topic but w/e.

==

Q: How do you keep the motivation to work on all your long comics? I always start and then abandon a project cause another distracts me or I feel unsatisfied with the result... I admire your commitment so much!

===

Aw, thank you! I really appreciate it. But don’t get too discouraged.. I get distracted too! I currently have 9 ongoing comic projects with 2 more i eagerly want to start drawing, and at least a dozen concepts on the backburner that have been around for sometimes over a decade. I think that what I’ve found, is that starting a new comic takes so much time. It takes a lot of time to get a story really rolling, time to learn how to draw the story how you want and in a weird way - having a longer comic you’ve had more experience with, you can pull a lot more things from. I generally find that FFAK and NRD are much easier comics for me to work on because of all those years of experience with them. But it still can get demoralizing if i focus too much on the faults or how long I still have to go. Sometimes its easy to feel that readers have lost interest and moved on, or its just not as good as you wanted it to be, ect. If you look for reasons like that, reasons to demotivate you, you’ll find them in spades.So i try my best to NOT do that, because working on a comic is hard enough.

In a weird way, when i sometimes find myself in the pit of struggles like this - i realize every author ive ever read has been in the same shoes as me. There is no artist that just magically has it easier and never runs into some challenges like this, some challenges can never be overcome because they’re part of the experience of making the project. There’s limitations involved and things change overtime. You won’t always have the same experience with the same story as you make it, or the same feelings involved. Sometimes that's really hard to let go of, if you feel the earlier years were so much better than the struggles you have now. I know I faced that hurdle with FFAK and I am currently going through that with NRD, but even the harder times do change too. It never gets easy to make a comic, but it changes. 

With FFAK, i don’t honestly know how I will finish the complete story. I often struggle too, especially with the third (final) arc, if it really is good enough. In a way, a lot of places of it feel incomplete and rushed, so I tend to worry a lot about how that will go. However, I never thought i’d have a comic like FFAK in the first place, so i feel really lucky to have made it this far at all. Endings do scare me, as there’s just so much pressure involved to deliver and even reach it at all, that it feels almost like an impossible fantasy to pull off in a satisfying manner to yourself or the readers. However, I do think I’ve gotten more excited to reach endings than I used to be even a couple years ago, and I have gotten more forgiving of myself for not being perfect at it. No matter what I manage to make, I’m going to have my own critiques of it because there’s improvements to be made in all aspects of the story. I’m looking forward to seeing what I can actually do so I can learn from it and be more confident in the future. 

FFAK also has such a huge cast, it can be a technical nightmare to figure out. I dont envy authors like GRRM that have a seemingly endless cast to deal with. I already have so much of my hands full with what is essentially one family. And I know for my other comics that I’ve made, the cast has never gotten as out of hand as FFAK’s. But I dont mind having FFAK be like this, because it has been part of my enjoyment of writing the story too. FFAK is generally very motivating because I always have something I’m excited to share about it, and every small progress is a big reward for me. I’ve put a lot of years of work into ARC2 and i am desperate to get to share it with everyone, so I hope readers will enjoy what is to come for the future of the story even though it already is a decade old at this point.

[yellowbluemoonshine]

Bnha 391 and General Small Comment;

Ok so i didnt like a lot of things with bnha lately for most of the things, especially how story deal with its villains. Yeah, it is not over but until now, i dont think its good. Story focus on power more than it focus on actually adressing the flaws of society author build up at first place.

- Deku hasnt speak to Shigaraki yet but until this point, the way he dealt with villains, his interaction with them isnt good enough. like, you cant change things by keep saying everthing black and white or saying there is hope. I think story didnt give enough  character development for Izuku to come that point so at least, i hope, Shiggy will do something about it.

- Todoroki family plot bad. It was always bad because of how much story focus on Endeavour’s bad written redemption arc, he literally choose everyone over Touya since beginning until the end, i hate how he casually hugs him and speak over him when Touya was talking. Guy kinda feels guilty, yeah, but he express that ‘guilt’ in a very selfish way that it drives me nuts. Literally your typical abuser. I cant believe of all people, Endeavour has to be the one who close to him, not Rei, not his siblings but him...And with other family members too. I think some people already talked about this, that main problem with Todoroki family is that they keep blaming him for speaking up and once again, if this is the final arc for Todo family, Fuyumi and Natsuo’s speech sucks.

With Shouto, i think the problem is that bnha is a story about saving people’s hearth, not psychically defeating them and as readers, we should witness that change between Shouto and Dabi, that beginning point (like ‘your power’ scene for Shouto) didnt happen yet. And i wonder, do anyone remember um fake heroes plot? Endeavour’s bad hero career with how violently he attacks towards criminal from Twice’s speech chapter or how he almost killed Koichi in vigilantes? Dabi’s speech? What is the point of all of these things, if its not gonna be adressed properly, especially between Dabi and Shouto since they are villain and hero. I know its not over but until now, it was bad. To be honest, only thing i am satisfied with Todo family plot is Rei and Touya interaction. It looks like the only one its completed for final arc. Because she literally choose Touya over millions to save him, no justification, no victim blaming, no anger, just a worried mother, calling her son’s name and tells that she is sorry, and thats it. She doesnt make whole speech and self pity, unlike Bakugou and Endeavour. See the difference. And if author wasnt so obsessed with Endeavour’s nonexistent redemption arc, i am sure that we would get more of Rei. She did what she could do best for Touya as civillian, ordinary person. This part of story is fine but others? Bad.

- Allmight and others too. I dont want to talk about every detail because you know the summary, flaws of society isnt adressed properly/at all and story focus on power dynamic and etc.

But for at least this chapter, i would like to say, i kinda like this one. Uraraka and Toga development, interaction. At first, Uraraka would brush off everything Toga said and does, which makes sense since she was from other side. And Toga would talk your typical villain but after that Toga crying scene, Uraraka seems to be able empathize with her than many other heroes ever could for villains. The way she just accepted that she was wrong about her, that she changed her mind, she also knows that she is in pain and she says sorry, she is not angry, she is not rejecting her, she tells her that she found her. I mean, look at her face when she speaks to her. Like, great start, Uraraka. I think there are still many issues with story and how fast everything happens but i really like this one. It feels like an actually hero speech who geniuely wants to empathize with villain, completely stranger, just a girl who is like her. Unlike before, she doesnt talk like a robot with ‘you did commit crime so everything happens to you, you deserve it’ type of attitude. No. This time Uraraka is different.

At least for this chapter, for now, Uraraka Ochaco is rising.

Edit; I made it Clear that i write this based on my personal opinion. Literally, every second of this post is "i think". Certain people use this to insult and harass me. It just shows what kind of people they are. If you disagree, make your own post without mentioning/making me involve in any way. Of course, if you want to debate about series with respect, i dont mind. I dont think being kind is too hard.

[tazzmanian-devil]

im so scared of the future. i dont know what im going to do with myself. i am not mentally capable of working enough hours to support myself without killing myself. i truly believe that if i lived alone i would burn my house down. i cant work jobs that require a lot of standing or interacting with others. i dont have the autism that makes me good with computers to do something online. i have no idea what im good for. i dont even draw well or often enough to do commissions, and i feel too guilty about not being in a difficult financial situation to even offer them.

i dont know how to apply for disability or what it would even grant me besides tax benefits. one of the questions on the website is for employment status, and the two options are employed and unemployed/seeking employment. i do not think i am capable of working a regular job, and i have no idea what IRregular jobs there might be. i tried reaching out to my school's employment coordinator, and her ONLY advice was to sell my work. i am trying!

maybe it would be different if i felt more direct and specific pressure of a problem to solve and less general pressure to do what im supposed to without knowing what that is. im living with my grandfather and aunt right now, so im not feeling housing pressure. my parents are paying for my education, so im not feeling pressure to pay that back. why do i need that? what is it for? what is my goal? i dont know. i have money from student loans in my bank account paying for my groceries.

i feel like a horse whose ass has been spanked. something is driving me forward, but i dont know what or which direction to run. i have no idea whats coming, and its horrible. i dont know what i want or what i should be doing next, except for 'get a job' which is such a vague instruction that its leaving me spinning my wheels.

i should get a job so i can live alone...but i dont want to live alone. i dont think i CAN live alone, unsupported. what is any of this for??? i start taking steps forward, and im haulted each time by myself asking why? why am i doing this? whats the point? what do i want from this? nothing? i want nothing? im only doing this to satisfy external pressures? then whats the point? cant i just watch movies all day instead? whats the point?