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#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it
talkorsomething
·
3 months
Text
I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ
#transmasc
#trans ftm
#transgender
#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever
#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..
#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL
#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.
#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks
#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'
#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also
#or like. exist in general maybe
#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically
#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.
#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again
#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this
#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian
#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty
#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...
#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.
#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......
#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes
#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it
#as always happens...
#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once
#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.
#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...
#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...
#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.
#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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