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What does Tim say when people ask about his spleen?
Damian: I am updating my blackmail records. Tell me what happened to your spleen in its full hilarity.
Tim: I donated it to a sickly orphan.
Damian: You win this round.
———————
Tim: I have to be careful, I lost my spleen.
Carrie: How?
Tim: Aliens.
———————
Tim: I'm zero percent spleen and fifty-nine percent pizza sauce.
Helena: Zero percent spleen?
Tim: Yep. On the bright side, they named a disease after me.
———————
Luke: I've designed nanotech vitals trackers to be implanted on our spleens.
Tim: Oh, no thanks. I don't have one.
Luke: You don't have a spleen?
Tim: It wasn't paying rent so I evicted it. Lazy freeloader.
———————
Barbara: Why does your chart say you're missing a spleen?
Tim: I made a deal with the devil but I had a discount code so instead of my soul I just needed to sell a non-essential organ.
———————
Steph: What happened to your spleen? Are you okay?
Tim: I'm fine. It's taking an extended gap year.
———————
Harper: So... can I ask about your spleen?
Tim: Yeah, don't worry. I was part of a failed science experiment.
Cullen: What'd they do?
Tim: They injected me with a serum that was supposed to make me indestructible. But instead all I got were a spleen removal and chronic insomnia. And a free T-shirt.
Cullen:
Harper:
Cullen: Was it a nice shirt?
———————
Dick: What do you mean you don't have a spleen?!?
Tim: It was confiscated by airport security.
———————
Tim: Happy Pride! My spleen finally came out of the closet. And by closet I mean my body.
Kate: Diversity win.
———————
Tim and Jason: *arguing*
Jason: At least I still have my spleen!
Tim: It's genetic!
Jason: Sucks to be you.
Tim: We have the same dad. It could happen to you too.
Jason, scoffing: Whatever.
Jason, internally: Oh shit, he's right. I need to see Leslie.
———————
Tim and Bette: *sparring*
Bette: *hits Tim*
Tim: Ow. Time out. That was my spleenhole.
Bette: ...How?
Tim: It took a trip to the Titanic in a soup can with a Playstation controller.
———————
Duke: Since when did you have that scar?
Tim: Since losing my spleen last year.
Duke: How do you lose a spleen?
Tim: You forget to cherish it.
———————
Cass: ?
Tim: I digested it.
———————
Selina: You know I have to tell Bruce about this.
Tim: Okay, fine.
Tim: I had to get it removed as a kid after falling into a well of bats.
———————
Bruce: Tell me what happened to your spleen so Alfred and Leslie can give you the proper treatment.
Tim: What do you mean?
Bruce: Everyone's been telling me you don't have it.
Tim: Well, I do, so...
Bruce: Alright, I'll have a talk with them about bad taste pranks.
———————
Alfred: You can't keep the truth from me, Master Tim.
Tim: Assassins stole it.
Alfred: I wasn't born yesterday. Now what really happened?
Tim: ...
#tim drake#red robin#dick grayson#jason todd#damian wayne#duke thomas#cullen row#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#barbara gordon#harper row#carrie kelley#kate kane#helena bertinelli#luke fox#bette kane#alfred pennyworth#selina kyle#bruce wayne#batman#batfamily#batfam#batbros#batkids#batsiblings#batman family#incorrect batfamily quotes#incorrect quotes#incorrect dc quotes#dc comics
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PT. 2
Nobody better tell me this is to verbally aggressive, bc this is exactly how I be speaking with my siblings
<<Part One<< Master List >>Part Three>>
#i refuse the dick is cheater thing#dick grayson#jason todd#barbara gordon#cassandra cain#stephanie brown#tim drake#kate kane#duke thomas#damian wayne#luke fox#gotham#bruce wayne#dc#twitter au#batman#batfam twitter#batfamily#batfam#garpentwitt
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Tim calls a family meeting and everyone is assuming he’s got a big case he needs help with, which is alarming for someone who refuses to admit that some cases are beyond him.
So, everyone shows up at the cave only to be ordered upstairs by Alfred. For those who only showed up to make fun of Tim for needing help, this is confusing because case work ain’t allowed upstairs.
All do them figure out quickly that this means it’s not to do with Gotham or Ref Robin, but the man behind the mask.
Bruce and Dick were there first and because Damian is always with one of them, so is he.
Steph picks up Barbara and Cass, with Duke already at home and Jason showing up at the same time as Kate and Lucius.
When they all get into the lounge room used for when people are over, just two doors down from the actual family room, they all find themselves chatting casually as they stave off their own worries or confusion. Some of them try find out if anyone knows what’s going on, but when Alfred and Barbara reveal they have no idea, they give up and make a few guesses but no more.
When Tim finally comes in after Alfred received him, he looks tired.
It’s not usual for Tim to get distracted with work and not sleep for a while, but he will conk out for hours when he decides to and wake up alright.
The bags under his eyes, the redness within them, and the way he looks close to tucking himself into a ball…
Bruce is immediately leaning forward, opening his mouth to make sure his son is okay but Tim just raised a hand to silence him. “Just… just let me speak, okay? I need to do it now or I’m not going to be able to.”
Everyone gives him a nod or look of understanding, making him twitch a smile before inhaling deeply and psyching himself up.
“I have cancer.”
…
Nobody speaks as Tim exhales shakily.
Everyone is staring wide eyed at the young man before them, who just reached the legal drinking age, and trying to asses his physical form for an understanding of what he just said. They’re all trying to gain X-ray vision to see exactly what is hurting him all while trying to convince themselves they heard him wrong.
Tim closes his eyes and speaks automatically, leaning into facts like he always does when he’s freaking out, “I noticed I was getting by more tired and fatigued around last year. My doctor said I have a low white cell count but he wasn’t alarmed as it was still in the normal range. But a few months ago I started to note that bruises were taking far too long to heal and I was getting a lot of pain around my joints and bones.”
He inhaled again, shakier than before at the same time that Alfred sits himself down with a hand over his mouth.
“It’s stage 2 and because of my lack of a spleen it’s going to be a harder process for treatment but fortunately I own a medical company so there’s that at least.” He makes a sort of joking smile that falters immediately, falling into a pulled back frown that comes with someone whose about to sob as he adds, “But it’s also aggressive so I-I don’t know how-how to-fuck-“
Dick and Cass are immediately moving off the couches they are on and catch him as he finally crumbles into himself.
Bruce is next to follow, the stoic man openly crying for the first time in years.
Jason and Damian are in shock, both frozen in place as dread takes over their minds.
Steph is looking out the window, as if staring at some kind of his or deity and demanding an expiration as to why they have to hurt her loved ones so badly. She’s crying, but it’s silent which is all the more harrowing.
Lucius places a hand on Alfred’s shoulder to comfort the elder even as he himself itches to go comfort the young boy who helped him run the company when he was at his worst.
Kate leaves the room to go call Bette, needing her mentor because this is just something she can’t handle.
Duke is sobbing into his hands as he leans into Barbara’s lap. Barbara who is clinging to him like a lifeline as she feels her world shift once again, feeling so angry and confused at how one of them could be threatened like this. Of all the ways they could go out, was it really going to be cancer?
It was a harrowing experience for all of them to remember that they were human in more than just their flesh being able to bleed and be wounded, but for it to grow sick. For it to age and attack itself.
They were human at the end of the day and Tim…
In Metropolis, Clark Kent rushed into the bathroom at his work to throw up as he heard a conversation miles away.
#batfam#tim drake#bat family#dc comics#batfamily#dc universe#dc#tim drake is red robin#damian wayne#Jason Todd#dick grayson#barbara gordon#cassandra cain#kate kane#bette kane#duke thomas#lucius fox#alfred pennyworth#bruce wayne#sick fic#cancer#tw cancer#cancer awareness
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To our favourite dysfunctional vigilantes! :)
The girls made them pose for this picture 🤭
#art#fan art#dc#dc comics#batman#bat family#bat brothers#batfam#bat boys#bruce wayne#alfred pennyworth#dick grayson#nightwing#jason todd#red hood#luke fox#batwing#tim drake#red robin#duke thomas#the signal#damian wayne#robin#fandom
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batfamily, assemble!
#dc comics#batfam#robin#batman#dick grayson#nightwing#detective comics#batfamily#jason todd#dc red hood#red hood dc#red hood#luke fox#duke thomas#the signal#signal dc#cass cain#spoiler dc#orphan dc#stephanie brown#tim drake x stephanie brown#tim drake#tim drake wayne#red robin#robin tim drake
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Power of rainbow 🌈
#batfam#richard grayson#jason todd#damian wayne#tim drake#bruce wayne#cassandra cain#duke thomas#stephanie brown#barbara gordon#alfred pennyworth#jarro the starro#terry mcginnis#luke fox#martha wayne#thomas wayne#kate kane#harper row#helena bertinelli
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Man, TimKon has to have craziest in-laws. Imagine what headache the After marriage dinners get.
Duke: hey um… can you pass the salt *eyeing Lex Luthor*
Lex: *takes the salt but moves it away from Duke*
Selina: God why are you even in here?!
Lex: Because I am Conner’s BIOLOGICAL father unlike you, you stealing broad—
Lois: *tiredly sighs* Oh my God, here we go again…
Bruce: Blood relation means nothing, Lex.
Dick: to quote Maya Angelou: "Family isn’t always blood, it’s the people in your life who want you in theirs”
*Lex proceeds to stand up and points at the person at the end of the table*
Kate: now, this is gonna be interesting
Clark: Lex can you sit down?
Lex: for all my Intellect and prowess what I don’t understand is…WHY ARE THEY HERE!! *points at the Al Ghuls*
Talia: quit embarrassing yourself, Luthor. Timothy is my beloved’s son and brother to two of my sons—
Selina: *looks at Talia tiredly* would you please move on?
Talia: No! *slams the table* you are only his Girlfriend. While I am the Mother of his sons.
Selina: No sane mother trains her children to be weapons of war *pulls out her nails*
Talia: you haven’t seen this mother. *pulls out a sword*
Damian: Mothers, can you all stop? It’s embarrassing.
Minkhoa: as far as I’m concerned, I’m the spouse.
Bruce: Please I beg of you don’t do this Minkhoa
Jim whispers to Barbara: is it always like this?
Barbara whispers back: only during holidays
Jim: remind me not to attend during it
Stephanie: I could get why Talia is here but why is he here *sideeyes Ra’s Al Ghul* Didn’t you steal Tim’s spleen?
Ra’s: I am Talia’s father which makes me the detective’s father-in-law, by extension Timothy’s Grandfather.
*Alfred audibly cocks his shotgun under the table*
Jason: Crazy mental gymnastics there, geezer.
Ra’s: It is a shame that the detective’s choice to spend eternity is with that abomination…
Lex: you take that back, he’s genetically perfect! He’s half of my crush I meant rival and half of me! Me! you ancient terroris—
*a chorus of outrage erupts*
Jon: WOAH WOAH!
Dick: HEY!!
Luke: neglecting the part where Lex just admitted to—
*cuts short by Lucius Fox*
Lucius whispers: I strongly advise, you don’t add fuel to whatever this is, Luke.
Minkhoa: I mean he’s not wrong…
Tim leans on Conner: Welp, that checks my ‘racism at the table’ bingo card
Jean Paul: You are all sinners! I condemn this unholy matrimony! No man can marry a man much less born out of unnatural means!
Conner: There goes the homophobia one *checks the bingo card*
#Suprisingly the wedding was super peaceful#batfamily#batfam#superfamily#timkon#bruce wayne#tim drake#dick grayson#jason todd#damian wayne#alfred pennyworth#dc comics#clark kent#lois lane#talia al ghul#ras al ghul#stephanie brown#lucius fox#luke fox#duke thomas#cassandra cain#jonathan kent#connor kent#jean paul valley#kate kane#selina kyle#lex luthor#batman#incorrect batfamily quotes
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batober. 7 - chilll
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Gotham’s Finest Family & Friends By freelance illustrator, Gabriel Larragán
#Gabriel Larragán#antygabo14#dc comics#batman#bruce wayne#alfred pennyworth#kate kane#helena bertinelli#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#damian wayne#duke thomas#barbara gordon#harper row#luke fox#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#selina kyle#jim gordon#fan art#redesign
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Batman studying for months gen X and boomers to act like Brucie can't use a smartphone just to use a clamshell phone in the end.
Lucius "Bruce couldn't open his mails on the WaynePhone but I've never seen a man so determined to watch his kid's tiktok videos." Fox
#batman#batfamily#batfam#dc comics#bruce wayne#brucie wayne#lucius fox#batkid#batkids#jason todd#dick grayson#damian wayne#tim drake#cassandra cain#stephanie brown#barbara gordon#duke thomas
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At Wayne mannor
Alfred: Morning everyone I have an announcement.
Bruce: Everything alright Alfred?
Alfred: Yes, I have invited the Kents to dinner in two days time.
Bruce: What...
Alfred: I expect everyone to be on their best behavior.
Tim: When you say the Kents who do you mean?
Alfred: All of them, Jonathan, Martha, Clark, Lois, Kon, Jon, Kara, Otho, and Osul.
Cassandra: How many people will be in attendance.
Alfred: 24 people in total. For our part everyone WILL attend, no excuses. That means myself, Bruce, Dick, Jason, Danny, Tim, Duke, Stephane, Barbara, Harper, Cassandra, Luke, Kate, and Damian.
Jason: This is going to be fun.
Damian: I bet $20 the house burns down by the end of the night.
Danny: I'll take you up on that.
Meanwhile at the Kent farm
Martha: Morning everyone, last night I was talking with Alfred and we've been invited to dinner at the Waynes in two days. We will all be going, no buts.
Jonathan: We expect everyone to behave.
Kon: At least one person will end up in the hospital.
Kara: I think it'll be fun.
Clark: It'll be fun to see Bruce, it's been a while since we've seen each other as civilians.
Martha: Good, now let's enjoy breakfast, there are chores to be done, and they're not going to do themselves.
Part: 13, (all parts)
#alfred pennyworth#bruce wayne#tim drake#cassandra cain#jonathan kent#martha kent#clark kent#lois lane#kon kent#jon kent#kara kent#otho ra#osul ra#jason todd#danny fenton#danny phantom#duke thomas#harper row#luke fox#barbara gordon#stephenie brown#kate kane#damian wayne#dc x dp#dp x dc#dpxdc#dc x dp crossover#dp x dc crossover#batfam#kent family
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Why did each member of the Batfam become a vigilante?
(Wrong answers only)
Comm. Gordon: This is a messy business. What made you guys go into it?
Helena: Flexible hours.
Duke: Clout.
Cass: Free housing.
Dick: Bloodlust.
Steph: Batburger discounts.
Luke: Airline miles.
Harper: Tuition reimbursement.
Damian: Nepotism.
Kate: Women.
Alfred: My green card.
Bette: Dental.
Bruce: Tax benefits.
Barbara: ACAB.
Jason: Early retirement.
Selina: Court-mandated community service.
Tim: Company car.
#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#damian wayne#duke thomas#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#barbara gordon#harper row#kate kane#helena bertinelli#luke fox#bette kane#alfred pennyworth#selina kyle#bruce wayne#batman#james gordon#batfamily#batfam#batboys#batbros#batgirls#batkids#batsiblings#batman family#incorrect batfamily quotes#incorrect dc quotes#incorrect quotes#dc comics
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PT. 3
Dick won the fight. Bruce won the bet.
<<Part Two<< Master List >>Part Four>>
#batman#gotham#batfam#batfamily#dc#jason todd#bruce wayne#dick grayson#roy harper#tim drake#luke fox#kate kane#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#duke thomas#damian wayne#garpentwitt
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Some of my personal favorite panels from s3 of Batman: Wayne Family Adventures so far
#batman wayne family adventures#wayne family adventures#bruce wayne#batman#dick grayson#nightwing#jason todd#red hood#tim drake#red robin#damian wayne al ghul#damian wayne#damian al ghul#cassandra cain#the orphan#stephanie brown#the spoiler#barbara gordon#the oracle#luke fox#batwing#duke thomas#the signal#harley quinn#roy harper#bizzaro#koriand'r#artemis of bana mighdall#dc#dc comics
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i love this panel sm. all of them are so cute. luke hugging alfred. sigh. i love them.
#duke and luke my favs#theyre all huddling together#cuties#batfam#batman#robin#jason todd#tim drake#dick grayson#barbara gordon#kate kane#alfred pennyworth#duke thomas#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#luke fox#selina kyle#bruce wayne
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Bats and Birds jobs headcanons that I will defend with my life, mostly from my civilian AU:
Barbara: works at a library, will hack your company to help you figure out flaws in the system for money on the side
Dick: retired Olympic gymnast, gymnastic teacher
Cass: part time professional wrestler, in a duo with Steph
(Edit edit: it has been pointed out to me that some people just don't like feelings which I didn't consider, so I did take off the therapy part because she wouldn't want to do it, but I still think it would be so interesting to see her volve about it)
Jason: writer (novelist + ao3, he has the range), part time barista at some point
Steph: definitely works part time at a movie theatre, I also picture her being a professional wrestler for some reason, in a duo with Cass
Tim: unclear if he's doing freelance investigation journalism or private detective work but either way he likes figuring stuff out (it's a lot of cheating husbands and he doesn't dislike it)
Duke: escape room owner and designer, the trickiest puzzles in the American continent, and each room has incredible aesthetics and personality even though people complain about how difficult they are.
Damian: professional painter, volunteers at the animal shelter every day.
Bruce: trophy wife
Harper: whatever the fuck Michael Reeves has going on
Cullen: editor (Jason's professional AND ao3 beta but neither has any idea the three identities are connected)
Lucius Fox: CEO of Wayne enterprise
Luke Fox: mechanical engineer
Kate Kane: rich heiress, competitive MMA fighter when she feels like it
#batman#batfam#batfamily#incorrect batfam#incorrect batfamily#batfamily civilian AU#cullen roxe#batfam civilian AU#civilian AU#jason todd#barbara gordon#dick Grayson#cassandra cain#stephanie brown#tim drake#duke thomas#harper rowe#Cullen rowe#Lucius fox#luke fox#kate kane#damian wayne#damian al ghul#bruce wayne
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