#feelings over some stupid shit like this
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Sonetto and Ulu from Reverse 1999
Athena Cykes: her Maid costume is orange. I will fight to the death for this. SHE IS ORANGE!!!!!
Also Nami from one piece, all her outfits may not have orange in them but she is literally known for tangerines.
Sonetto, Ulu, and Nami have been queued, but you're gonna have to fight me on Athena, 'cause I've legit been waiting for someone to request her from day one
She's yellow because Phoenix and Apollo are blue, so all together they're the primary colors, and her TrƩs Bien costume won't be enough to convince me, since Maya and Mia wear it, and you can't tell me they're orange too?
I'll queue Athena, but I won't cave that easily. I'm gonna need to see some real solid evidence to convince me /lh
Everyone else was queued tho :D š
#all of this is /nsrs btw#its just#as an ace attorney obsesser#i need to stand my ground#if youre really that passionate abt it tho then be my guest! convince me!#im always willing to change my mind!#not orange#orange ask answer#legit tho im actually not trying to be mean here so if youre upset by this PLEASE tell me the last thing i wanna do is hurt someones#feelings over some stupid shit like this#srry for the long tags lol im just obsessedly terrified of hurting peoples feelings w/o realizing
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āput me on a pedestal and iāll only disappoint you
tell me iām exceptional, and i promise to exploit you
gimme all your money, and iāll make some origami honey!
i think youāre a joke!!! ā¦but i donāt find you very
fuuuuuuu~nyyyā
More tagr art!!! Assorted stuff this time! Featuring some cute chibi stuff. Some solo gazās, a lil uhhh. Comic of an altercation.. and a very belated Halloween pic I started drawing last Halloween and didnt finish lol. Also featuring lyrics from pedestrian at best cuz that song rllly rlly fits my ver of tak lol.
#invader zim#gaz membrane#invader tak#tagr#iz tak#iz gaz#tak#doodles#there toxic yuri!!! theyāre all over the place!!! tak is tsundere insane alien who fueled by revenge itās gonna be rough!#I think. there relationship would slowly grow and develop as gaz is helping tak w all her injuries#but I think theyād end up having a true true falling out sometime after take fully healed and gets her ship back.#and theyād be split up for a few years maybe? idk how long Iād want it to be. but! yeah.#absence makes the heart grow fonder and makes u realize how fucking stupid u are#and eventually theyād reunite and shit would be better lol#I donāt want them to be at each others throats forever thatād suck lol#theyre just definitely are moments where there at each others throats in the beginning#but they r also moments.. where they both feel true belonging and acceptance. like they never have beforeā¦ and it blows there lil mindsā¦#I also dO want gaz to go into space at some point w tak cuz thatād be fucking awesome#after they reunite again they can go explore the universe a bit#these r all very half baked ideas btw and also my brains mush cuz ive been drawing all day#so please excuse if said ideas suck. also please excuse all the typos lol#I might change my mind on the them separating idkā¦ or maybe make it a shorter amount of timeā¦ idk!! I havent thought thru all this shit lol#itās not like Iām gonna write a story or actually make a comic Iām just drawing random fanart#I donāt need to have all these thoughts all solidified lol
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hot take moment cwilbur is literally just psychotic as all hell and i think people got way too comfortable villianizing the shit out of a man who was clearly portraying signs of severe mental illness. cwilbur was like im so fucking paranoid and scared and i think everyone is out to get me and hurt me and ive spiralled to the point i cant reach out to the people closest to me because im so afraid and lost in this spiral and im having constant panic attacks and hurting myself because i dong know what to do with myself and the only way out for me is to die. and everybody was like EVIL MAN WHO ENJOYS HURTING OTHERS AND IS ABUSIVE ON PURPOSE AND A VILLAIN AND SHOULD NEVER BE TRUSTED AGAIN. and then he came back and was like im still deeply troubled and afraid but im desperately trying to make up for the wrongs i did in the past and the people i hurt in my own way and communication is really hard for me but i hope people know that im truely sorry and i love them. im going to try my hardest to fix this in the only way i know how and then respectfully remove myself from the situation because i feel thats the kindest thing i can do to the people ive hurt. and people were like ABUSER ABUSER ABUSER EVIL MAN ABUSER. like girl
Yeah no based true real no questions asked
I'd hope I manage to portray Wilbur the way he deserves in my content, cause that man is heavily bpd coded and he just needs therapy and someone who genuinely loves him but also can handle his bullshit (which has exclusively and reliably been Quackity like, canonically)
But yeah no completely agreed. The man has issues and has definitely fucked up a lot but at the end of the day he really does need love and care and patience, but also boundaries (and therapy and meds, obviously)
#i deeeefinitely have no reason to have strong feelings about bpd bitches deserving love and care and stability ha ha nooo it's definitely-#-not like I've been dating one for well over 4 years now and even though we've been through so much shit together and I still can't-#-understand why people with bpd and conditions that have similar symptoms are so demonised. It just makes no sense to me.#my bf is the love of my life and i can't imagine /not/ supporting it through all the splitting and episodes and all of that cause they're-#-absolutely worth everything#i don't know not to be too gay on main but tbf it's too late now anyway i think--#is it unstable? sure. but it's also the most caring and loving person i've ever been close with and it always makes sure i'm ok#and it loves me so undeniably deeply no matter what purely for who i am#i've never had anyone care about me this much and this genuinely and this unconditionally - it'd always be what /they/ can get out of /me/#but my boyfriend just cares about me - the actual me - no matter if i'm acting how it imagined i'd act. what matters is if i'm /me/#listen bpd isn't sunshine and rainbows - we've been through some TERRIBLE shit (including s-cide attempts)#but when people claim it makes a relationship toxic/abusive it's so stupid cause ultimately with mutual love support and reassurance-#-and professional help you can have a genuinely happy and healthy life with someone with bpd#love isn't mean to be easy. it's meant to be safe and supportive and genuine but a relationship always takes effort and work on both sides#you should never sacrifice your well being of course!#but when love takes effort and extra care it doesn't inherently mean it's unhealthy or toxic or abusive. it just means you're people.#tldr if you love someone then don't care about some diagnosis - care about the actual perso.#ask#asks#ask fern#tntduo#dsmp#tnt duo#wilbur soot#quackity#quackbur#dream smp#tntblr#c!quackbur#c!tntduo
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Tfw you wanted to get some Halloween outfits out for Fiddlestan and BillFord (possibly the twins too) on Halloween but your schedule is fucked, your busy with other projects and inspiration for costumes flew out the window so youāll have to post way later then you actually wanted š
If I could plan my art better and ya know WORK DURING THE DAY INSTEAD OF SOLEY AT NIGHT this would be way easier lmfao
#gravity falls#the book of bill#bill cipher#billford#ford pines#fiddleford mcgucket#stan pines#Fiddlestan#mabel pines#dipper pines#Halloween#Halloween costumes#my schedule is fucked#I have so many projects I need to finish š#thatās a REALLY bad thing with me I accept and think of more projects before I can even finish my ones#itās a problem#I really need to fix it#soooo yea#by the time I finish Halloween will be over š„²#ani rants about stupid shit#ani rambles#I was MAYBE gonna do some ocs too and just slap em onto TikTok but Iām not sure#donāt mind me iām just rambling#I like celebrating holidays ok#it feels like theyāre not really celebrated anymore and it makes me sad#Hell Iāve STILL got FinnFern ideas I need to draw/finish lmao#send help
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i seriously need more narumi and mina moments because just imagine the relief mina felt when narumi joined, similar age to her and was also considered a prodigy in the force.
to have someone to share the burden of the defence forceās future with mustāve felt so freeing. because before he joined it was just her, age 18, being told that she was going to change kaiju extermination with her exceptional synergy with firearms. and she was so, so scared.
narumi doesnāt have the kind of skills or talent for long range combat like she does, but heās also a top candidate (despite his behavioural issues- which arenāt much of a hinderance anyway) and mina doesnāt have to carry the burden of the future alone anymore
(although sheād never admit, given she probably views narumi as someone completely shocking i just think itās so funny how she stood there like O_O when she first saw him)
like i LOVE seeing the contrast. mina who was sent onto the battlefield for the first time and was deathly afraid vs narumi who was sent out and immediately took action because thatās how he always lived (fighting)
and now theyāre the top two strongest captains in the force and they will be the ones to lead the new generation..
#egg boils#IM SOOO BONKERS SORRY THEYRE MY FAVES I WANT THME TO HAVE AN IMPACT ON ESCH ORHEF SO FUCKING BAD.#consider this: narumi teaches mina to be less serious. to stop holding onto the burden of others and her team mates and Fight because she#wants to. hold onto ur weapon clench ur teeth because you WANT to be here and protect lives and not because You feel like you have to ashir#and mina teaches him abt team work and yes you can work along but And maybe having to consider ur team members IS burdensome for u but isnt#it nice to have someone watch ur back? for someone to Help you narumi#please please show me how theyāve influenced each other I KNOW DAMN WELL THEY HAVE. I INOW IT. matsumoto please.#i will never be over mina and how genuinely AFRAID she was#ashiro mina my absolute beloved#narumi tells mina to stop being so freaked out all the damn time because you have your team mates donāt you?! always talking my ear off abo#about team work but you canāt even trust your own comrades?!#mina tells narumi that HE keeps acting recklessly because he doesnāt trust his team mates either!!! theyāre perfectly capable too#ohhhhh iām sick im sick i want mina to knock some sense into narumi and vice versa i want them to be the reason they trust their units to#SUCH a degree now. i want them to be the reason why they stand for their men so strongly (narumi immediately pouncing on no.9 when he showe#kikoru isaoās face. minaās anger and appreciation when her unit stood their ground against no10.#mina#narumi#kaiju no.8#theyāre my top two of course iām making this shit up. i need it so bad bside please please please#i know she grit her teeth and got used to be alone when she subjugates from the roof top but CONSIDER narumi the delinquent but extremely#capable recruit being the one to show her how to live less in fear#i need a tag for them#donāt be stupid#okay thatās it thatās my tag#kn8 spoilers#sorry again. tagging for myself#narumina
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we need to kill everyone at sm entertainment
#you know how i said i didnt want to elaborate on RJās bbl messages#because i would go on a tangent about how sm doesnāt protect their artists#yeah well imagine how i felt when i saw them made him apologize for that stupid ass shit#like really making your artist seem like the bad guy when he has psycho bitches invading his privacy#for 2 seconds of attention#not even positive attention btw#like can you imagine getting calls from random crazy bitches when youāre just trying to live your life#ppl who arenāt supposed to have your number#freaky ass fuck#but no they dont gaf how that makes him feel#they arenāt even imagining it#brainless fucking cunts#and even worse the company youāre under is doing bare minimum if even that to keep you safe#or to even make you feel some semblance of safety#like genuinely evil as fuck#it doesnāt even end with that#ppl crawling through vents to see hc#breaking into his fucking house like maniacs#like bitch are you out of your rabid ass fucking mind#company taking forever to address hc/jnās scandal#which was false btw#and you have their unintelligent fucking fans believing the shit immediately and throwing photocards out like they killed someones mother#over something they couldnt even wait to see was true or not#bc if itās in a headline it must be true right#wrong#but thatās an entirely different issue#honestly all of this just goes back to how kpop companies market their artists as like minimum 5 sublevels below human#not just sm#which is really stupid like youāre grown as fuck shivering shaking throwing up at the IDEA of your idol getting pussy#like heās grown asfk
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God, I have such a hatred for that stupid f1 movie, everything about it gets on my nerves so badly. I hate to be this ultra salty person but I feel like I could write a whole essay about how dumb it is and how much it annoys me š
#every time im forced against my will to see some new thing about it i feel like im gonna explode#part of it is irrational and part of it is genuine criticism#half of it i guess is just me being possessive over f1 yknow#but the other half is like....why the fuck are they making this stupid shit#i see that old man in the race suit and i get so annoyed šš#why is it weird when girls do self insert stuff#but when a grown ass man wants to pretend to be an f1 driver he gets an expensive movie šš#now if they made this movie and had a female mc-#one of my big issues w it is just: who cares#the dynamic is really nothing special. its not really inventive at all#if i wanted to enjoy an f1 story id uhhhhhhh watch old races or read fic lmfao#60 year old man........and yet MY old man gets called too old šŖ#please someone ask me to complain and rant and rave djfkgkgk#catie.rambling.txt
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if i had a podcast successful enough to get famous actors on as guests it'd be a rewatch podcast of all my favourite shows except unlike all the current rewatch podcasts that exist where they waste time heaping unnecessary praise on a random guest actor or telling some never-ending, irrelevant behind the scenes story and skipping vital parts of the episode we'd be going through that episode Minute By Minute. tell me what the script said and did it change as you were acting out the scene, what directions were you given, what do you make of the song choice in the scene and would you have picked a different one, tell me about how this parallels this earlier scene from another episode, what does it mean for the overall character arc if you cannot discuss this show with the level of depth of a dedicated fan writing in the tags of a gifset of their favourite blorbo on tumblr dot com then get the fuck out of my recording studio
#mine#every time i listen to rewatch podcasts i get so annoyed bc i just want to scream yOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT IT PROPERLY#akjdfh like they'll start off with the opening scene get sidetracked about some stupid irrelevant shit#then skip 20 mins of the episode#and somehow the podcast is still over an hour long#i've yet to find a rewatch podcast that actually gives me what i want#(also lowkey in general i just think i can't stand american podcasters they're so annoying asdkjfhsjkah)#(it always just feels so manufactured and not like an actual conversation!!!!!!!!!)#(the only podcasts i can ever stick with long term are made by irish people i can't lie lmao)
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At this point itās literally just there for good publicity points, donāt fucking convince me otherwise.
#I understand the minor part but proship? Really? Fucking really??#That is a goddamn comship right here whether you fucks like it or not#And I know for sure antis HATE Btd due to the intense nature of the game#But in the end itās just some stupid computer program with pictographs of men that will never exist in real life#(Strade is an exception not counting a Ren in there)#None of these characters are fucking real none of these stories are real life is a fuck shit#These are all just silly stories made to entertain our morbid hearts from this god forsaken world#And I truly pity anyone who tries to mimic what they see on the screen#Sorry for this weird rant just been feeling eh#antis dni#antis are stupid#antis do not interact#proship safe#antis fuck off#discohorse š¢#i hate antis#proshippers please interact#antis suck#darkfic#profiction#fuck antishippers#antis are hypocrites#antis are a cult#comship safe#comshippers please interact#Btw I donāt have Twitter so I canāt do much but look at a few posts they have#And they made shit for Ren too#And other games like John/Doe and Sunny/Day/Jack AND DACHABO#FCKING DACHABO WHERE A DIGITAL DOG BOY THIRSTS OVER YOU AND ITS MEGA SUS#I genuinely donāt get antis who consume sus media
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okay so as a gen 5 stan who does adore the story in bw and bw2, and now that gen 5 has experienced both a vicious hatedom that wouldnt hear a single positive thing about the games, and now a super protective fandom that insists they were perfect and had zero flaws... can we admit now that the bw1 story at least was. a little mid.
#just a little. just a little.#i am saying this as someone who adores it and loves the characters a lot#...... but good god team plasma kinda sucks ass as an evil organization#bw2 is sorta better about them with the split factions but in the first game theyre so obnoxious and come across as strawmen#the game talks about how the world is nuanced and not black and white and its not good to take extreme sides#but then. it sorta does that with the protagonists? by refusing to talk about abused pokemon that werent hurt by team plasma?#obviously they are wrong. the game hammers it in with a mallet. but is it really nuanced if our stance is ''ha ha thats silly''#and yeah groups like plasma exist irl but like. as someone who cares abt animal rights and stuff a lot. i feel like they fumbled it here#the answer shouldnt have been ''well ig some pokemon get hurt. we wont talk about them though. watch the grunt kick a munna''#it shouldve been about animal welfare. like maybe instead of becoming assistant professor; bianca couldve become a nurse joy#or she couldve joined some organization that rescues and rehabilitates pokemon from abusive trainers. maybe the reformed plasma from bw2#and before someone goes ''erm its a kids game they cant do that :/ thats too complicated'' first of all- the anime showed a malnourished te#tepig#kids can handle a bit of text next to a skittish lillipup thats like ''its scared of humans'' or something and its being cared for by someo#someone''#plus the side games were tackling much heavier shit at this point#also again they were apparently fine with a grunt kicking a munna and bragging about how he loves doing that so.#like even as a kid i felt like that scene was really over the top and stupid#team plasma feels less like an attempt to do commentary on harmful animal rights ideas that lead to ecofascism and dont care abt the animal#true needs#and more like gamefreak read a lot of obnoxious critical pokemon posts like ''lmao training is like dogfighting'' and ''this promotes anima#abuse!'' and just made a strawman out of those people. and like i agree thats all stupid but it sorta hurts the message of the game#that the world is very nuanced and taking extremes is bad and reductive.#and this isnt getting into poor story and gameplay integration and other stuff like underutilized characters (you know exactly who i mean)#idk. again i still adore the story and have a huge soft spot for it. but i think the only reason people say its perfect is out of defensive#defensiveness and not having engaged with a ton of video game stories. and pokemon stories not being fantastic in general#like i think pla is better put together story wise than this game and its got less going on than this#echoed voice
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Starting to almost wish I could just go do this fucking presentation today solely bc Iām getting mad and tired of the anxiety, how is it physically possible to be this anxious for so many days straight. There has to be a limit how long u can be on the verge of an anxiety attack like ????
#itās stupid#cant sleep cant eat over āāppl are paying attention to me for 20minutes or soāā#i hate this so so much#bc like I KNOW itās overreacting and unreasonable and it never is as bad as I think but knowing that wonāt do shit for the anxiety#like it will he here until Iām back home tmrw after having presented it#at least itās only like a day of this anymore but I donāt have the energy for this for even one more goddamn minute#literally what could happen in that presentation that would be worse than feeling like this??#the realistic worst case possible is that I lose my train of thought or have a āābrain doesnt workāā moment and have to take like 20secs to#gather myself and like maybe if someone asks a question I donāt have an answer to#but like I wonāt die or anything#even if itād be awkward (it will be awkward) thatās legit nothing#Iām āājust some guyāā to the ppl and after leaving the building theyāll never think abt my stupid ass presentation again#so wHY cant I fucking chill#april 2024#2024
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Remind me to never live with neurotypical ppl who have never had money issues in their life/have families who are willing to give them however much money they want whenever they ask. Genuinely infuriating ppl to live with who do not consider how their actions affect others ever. How am I on round 2 of this
#TO BE FAIR MY CURRENT ROOMMATE IS NOWHERE NEAR AS INSANE AS FHE LAST ONE#I would never claim that they are and a part of me is like āshut up and be grateful youāre not dealing with that anymoreā#but then Iām like. well. I feel like I shouldnāt have to be GRATEFUL to be living with someone who doesnāt throw my stuff out without asking#or move ppl in without asking or demand I get rid of my pets#and godā¦ā¦ at first it seemed like me and the new roommate would be relatively fine#never super close we didnāt have much in common but like. I didnāt think their would be a lot of major issues#unfortunately I now want to bang my head against a wall because of shit she does/expects from me all the time now#some of it is definitely petty things but some of it Iām like#????????? HOW do you think you are reasonable for the things you are wanting/positions youāre putting me in?????#sighā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ post brought to you by my frustration over having to drop several hundred dollars on vet bills#because of some stupid shit they didnāt think through#(MY CATS ARE FINE THEY ARE NOT SICK OR HURT) it is just a stupid situation#I kinda just wanna make a list bitching about all these petty things to get them out somehow#maybe it will help me feel better so Iām not just holding it all in#sighā¦.. whoās to say#kaz rambles
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^_^
#i cant fucking wait to get this over with for good#it kills me to have to look in the mirror and see someone else and know ill never see myself because i cant be myself alone.#i hate that i have to scream and write stupid silly shit to get even a modicum of attention and have even that just be a like on a screen.#im not me anymore ive devolved into nothing and i have no one to help me become real again. sorry i csnt do it alone bc isolation isnt-#-conducive to healing esp for this long#no one will care but thats fine. ive known this for a while#i just want to get it over with and never feel this bullshit again. at least ill feel like me for a second before i die. its whatever.#i can try to play pretend until it comes but it wont work. bc its all pretend#god i cant fucking take another day of this detached horror of existence#i fucking *despise* having my only reactions in a whilebe some hug emoji by a stranger on a serious post. im fucking pathetic. that's why i#gone#gone gone gone. gone.#and i still have to wait for release to be mine. idk how long i can.
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iām not a transandrophobia truther in the slightest donāt get me wrong, but i think some people on here really need to realize and comprehend the fact that cis women, way WAY more often than not, hold extremely significant social and political power over trans men the vast majority of the time in our day to day lives
#sorry not to get on this bullshit i just saw a related post when i opened this app lmao#and by some people i donāt mean anyone in particular im not vagueing anyone or any specific post#and i especially donāt mean any transfem calling out transmisogynistic transmascs either#but yeah i see a lot of implication that trans men are like. somehow significantly privileged over cis women#and ofc i donāt mean that transmascs are incapable of being misogynistic to cis women bc thatās far from the case#but i need someone to name a transmasc with significant political or social or financial power thatās working to set back womenās rights#versus the amount of cis women with any of the aforementioned privileges working to take away the rights of trans people#bc i can think of 4 of the latter just off the top of my head without trying really hard#and the only day to day instance i can think of where trans men would hold significant power over a cis woman is like..#a workplace environment where he completely passes as cis and absolutely no one knows heās trans at all or even suspects it#but then again most if not all of that privilege would be stripped away the second anyone there found out he was trans#but yeah i really do think some people need to grapple with how they conceptualize gendered privilege and their own power in these dynamics#and how thatās reflected in the way they think about/interact with transmascs#are you disgusted with this random transmasc on tumblr because heās a man (or vaguely adjacent) or because heās trans. ykwim#and again i hate the whole transandrophobia thing i think itās stupid as shit and redundant to put it lightly and briefly but#idk why transmascs that believe in it have become the new face of anti-feminism and MRA movements#and not like. the cis men who started both of those things and contribute to the vast majority of that type of rhetoric in every way#and also hold enough power to leverage those beliefs over both women and also transmascs tbh#i think some people are just repulsed by the idea of anyone willingly wanting to be a man bc they see it as the same as becoming a cis man#in terms of privilege. when in reality by being trans youāre knocked down in terms of power and privilege from all cis people anyways#but also. some people also need to realize that transmascs can also have trauma and complicated feelings about being a man and patriarchy#and more often than not we ARE traumatized by the way cis men (and women!!) have treated us#and grapple with our place in the world as a result. itās not just as simple as becoming a cis man over night tbh!!#and again iām not talking about transfems with any of this because the vast Vast majority of transfems understand this more than anyone#iām mostly talking about cis women both irl and also just in the terminally online leftist sphere#and i also think i should be allowed to vent my grievances with the power cis women often do wield over me without being accused of being a#raging misogynist or MRA or whatever
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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Devastating news: my brother is a normal person. It doesn't run in the family, I'm just a weird freak for no reason
#i'm exaggerating but not that much. my parents are like that because they're in their 50s. they were young adults once#okay so my brother. 18 years of age. just started his fancy higher studies in maths. tiny baby goatee he's not shaving.#went to a friend's week long birthday party in a house in the countryside#made out with a girl there?? apparently???#started drinking alcohol. and has now been going out longer and more frequently and sleeping at other people's places#and bestie. let me tell you. i was never doing any of that shit. in fact i am not doing any of that still and i'm a few years older#i don't go out much. i have like four or five friends at all times tops. i certainly don't come back late or god forbid sleep over#never drunk alcohol (don't want to. i could! i just don't. i'm the sober idiot in the corner when everyone else is drunk)#never kissed anyone or had a partner or anything of the sort#he decided to sleep over at midnight?? with zero preparation??#buddy it would have to be pouring acid rain for me to have an unplanned sleepover#without my toothbrush? my pyjama? my phone charger? my plushies? possibly my own pillow/blanket? be for real#my brother is a normal teenager/young adults with a social life and no weird hangup about romance and alcohol and spontaneity#and i'm some kind of freak i guess. having a normal time#older sister girlfailure forever i suppose. how the fuck do i feel like my younger brother is cooler and more normal than me???#i don't even want to be like that i like myself i thought i left all this stupid unfounded insecurity behind with school!!#arghhhhhh#wow i have a ramble tag now
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