#bc like I KNOW it’s overreacting and unreasonable and it never is as bad as I think but knowing that won’t do shit for the anxiety

[why-the-heck-not]

Starting to almost wish I could just go do this fucking presentation today solely bc I’m getting mad and tired of the anxiety, how is it physically possible to be this anxious for so many days straight. There has to be a limit how long u can be on the verge of an anxiety attack like ????

[heretherebedork]

Hi, just wanted comment on your last last twilight post. Hope it’s ok.

I totally agree with a lot of things you been saying about the last episode and am mostly on the same page, I just think you are a bit to harsh on Day. And I wanna say that my opinion totally depends on what happens next episode.

But I think it’s only human to overreact sometimes when one is hurt. Mhok never mentioned his worries and his troubles to Day, so it makes sense for him not to know about it. And while I also think the break up is a bit to much of an overreaction and I’m also pretty unhappy how the scene played out in general, I can understand Day being unreasonable in the moment and not being able to see past his own feelings and insecurities. It makes him look like an ass, but when one already feels hurt and angry it’s pretty hard to be rational and take the other parties feelings into account. The thing is that once Day has calmed down he has to realise that he fucked up and go and apologise.

And that why it really depends on how the next episode plays out. I think from a writing standpoint it would totally make sense for Day to go talk thinks out with Mhok, just like he did with August and his father.

It would be a total disservice to his character if that didn’t happen, bc he did it twice before and it showed his growth as a character that he confronted the dad without Mhok having to push him to do it.

But if that doesn’t happen Day would just look like a total dick. It would send the message that August and the father deserve more respect and forgiveness for their actions than Mhok. And that’s just fucked up.

I really hate how Mhok gets punished for being traumatised and I hope Day genuinely apologises for his overreaction and they talk about it. If they decide to take a break after that or have a long distance relationship, it would be fine by me either way. Day should get a chance to support Mhok as well and Mhok shouldn’t need to get over his shit alone.

I’m kinda just writing this bc I see so many people hating on Day for not supporting Mhok, when the show never gave him a chance to do it, bc how could he have known. It’s more a writing problem than it is a problem with Day in my opinion. But yeah the scene was so bad it made my skin crawl.

Anyway sry for this whole ass rant. I really love your metas and writing and I hope you have a lovely day.

I will admit it's a writing problem. It's a huge writing problem.

And, maybe you're right, maybe the finale will open with Day going to talk to Mhok the day after because he came to his sense and realized what Mhok was saying and that this can't be the end and the entire preview was just Aof mocking us like he did in Bad Buddy.

But I just can't trust that.

Look, is there a chance that they will start the episode with Day going to talk to Mhok and all the moments we saw in the preview will be something else entirely and feel different and I'll be thrilled.

But just... what a way to throw so much out at the end of the penultimate episode and in a way that left such a bitter taste in my mouth.

If they had shown Day supporting Mhok at any other point in the show... I would feel better about this. I would feel better about it. But there wasn't. There was nothing. Just Mhok being everything for Day and then Day instantly turning on him and kicking him out?

Actually, one of the bigger problems was how they also handled Day's mom because fuck that noise. How did she go from cutting her son off from the world to suddenly being the one who could ~see his independence~. Fuuuck that noise. That makes me trust it a lot less, honestly. Because they handled that so badly.

I'm just... I want to trust Aof and believe that this will turn into something I can at least accept.

But I just can't trust it.

[bogunicorn]

Having any kind of disagreement with NT people is fucking exhausting and frankly I would pay a monthly subscription to never have to do it again.

[mimzy-writing-online]

Hello. I had a question regarding your post about blind characters. I have a character in my WIP that must cover their eyes.. but it’s blind. He may need to tell people he is blind to explain why he covers his eyes though. I was wondering how I might write this character without offending. Thank you :)

I think I want to start by explaining the “covering blind eyes” trope and why it has become a harmful trope. I think understanding why it’s hurtful helps everyone learn how to handle it better.

I would guess that the “blind people wear sunglasses” trope comes from Hollywood for the specific reason of 1. wanting to signal to the audience that the character is obviously blind and 2. avoid breaking the suspension of disbelief by preventing the audience from catching the sighted actor look at visual stimuli (because disabled characters are almost always played by able actors).

But this changed the way the public expects to experience blindness. If watching a sighted actor wear sunglasses and say he’s blind is all the exposure to the blind community a person has had, that’s the only model of blindness they’ll recognize. If they meet a blind person in real life who doesn’t wear sunglasses, it’s going to break this built perception and cause an uncomfortable cognitive dissonance. 

And then there is the common “cloudy-white blank gaze” that pops up in media. It stems from the fact that cataracts is the most common cause of blindness and the appearance of severe cataracts is a cloudy film in the eyes obscuring the iris and pupil. It can also alter what color a person’s eyes appears to be, making them appear paler and grey in the beginning and then as the cataract advances it becomes more yellow/brown and alters a person’s vision to appear more yellow tinted.

There are lots of other eye conditions that makes the eyes look visibly different. Albinism for instance affects the color and structure of the iris. Eyes might be congenitally misshapen. The muscles might be weak or not work and one or both eyes point significantly outward. Someone who was born blind and experienced no visual stimuli might also have weak muscles around their eyes because they never had a reason to focus their eyes on anything.

And unfortunately humans have the habit of feeling uncomfortable when they meet someone who looks very obviously different from the norm, whether that’s a personal style choice (hair color and style, tattoos, clothing choices) or something they can’t help (a visible disability, skin color, scars). 

To the paragraph above, @gothhabiba replied with:  “it's very weird & ahistorical to claim that racism or ableism are some kind of natural "human" trait.. like frankly it's apologia”

You’re right, I wasn’t thinking beyond that generalization or assumption.

Perhaps a better way to put it is: I was raised in a society where I was taught from childhood to think that there was only one kind of human being to be. White, cis, straight, abled, conservative. That’s a very western thing and that’s a thing I’m going to constantly be unlearning.

Racism and ableism and homophobia aren’t innate, that’s a western thing that was forced onto the rest of the world by colonialism. And because western media created this idea that the world is white, abled, cis, straight, and Christian-value leaning, it taught people to think that was the norm so that seeing someone different from that archetype would cause a cognitive dissonance, which causes discomfort.

And instead of working past that cognitive dissonance to learn more and realize there’s so much more to life than media taught you, society encourages you to ignore that cognitive dissonance by sticking your head in the sand-- or TV screen.

So combine these two tropes or common beliefs together and you get something a little dangerous: the idea that blind people cover their eyes because they look obviously different and they’re ashamed (or should be ashamed) of that.

And if you’re someone who’s just gone blind or who was born blind and you have little to no contact with the blind community, then this societal belief that you should be ashamed of how your eyes look becomes detrimental to your self-esteem and further builds internalized ableism.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve read or watched a blind character cover their eyes with sunglasses because they were ashamed of how their eyes looked. And I distinctly remember a few times where a sighted friend of the character was trying to convince them to stop wearing sunglasses because there’s nothing wrong with looking different--which is true, but it plays into this fantasy of being the perfect abled ally who saves the blind character from being miserable. 

In an ideal world, the character has no reason to believe looking different is a bad thing or diminishes their worth or makes people dislike them. And if they develop this belief, it’s more likely that someone more involved in the disabled community, most likely someone disabled themselves, will set them straight. Or that the character will learn to accept themselves on their own, looks included.

But there are some perfectly valid reasons for any blind person to wear sunglasses. They might have an interest in fashion and sunglasses complete the look they’re going for. They could want to protect their eyes from UV rays while they’re outside. They may experience light sensitivity and sunglasses reduces any discomfort or pain. Those are incredibly common reasons to wear sunglasses whether you’re sighted or blind.

But there are some more complicated situations.

In your words, your character must cover his eyes. You never specified why, so my primary guess is that he has some kind of power that is unpleasant or has devastating affects and the only way to prevent it is to keep his eyes covered. My primary guess stems from this post where an anon and I discussed a retelling of Medusa, a hypothetical blinding of oneself to avoid ever killing anyone ever again, and what I think I would do if I was in that scenario.

So how do you write a blind character who must cover their eyes and avoid some of the complications?

1. Your character must always have the ability to say “fuck off, it’s my business, I don’t have to tell you why I’m blind or why I cover my eyes.”

Most blind people really, really don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty of why they’re blind and how they feel about it and what it’s like being blind with a stranger they’ll never see again or a new acquaintance they don’t know well yet. You have exceptions to that rule where sure, educating the public about blindness is a thing you want to do and you’re committed to helping your community, but I still have days where I don’t want to talk about being blind or disclose my medical crap.

And if someone doesn’t respect their right to their privacy or pushes too much, the blind character is allowed to be angry, is allowed to tell them off and complain without anyone else in the situation vilifying them or saying they’re “overreacting” and “should have just disclosed private information because big deal or whatever.” If they are angry, that’s their right, and it’s not unreasonable, it doesn’t make them a bad person.

2. Your character should not be ashamed of being blind or of covering their eyes. It is a part of their life, they’re used to it by now, even if they weren’t in the beginning.

The shame and internalized ableism is something that should be written about, but that’s for an own-voices story with a blind author. I don’t think an abled person will ever be able to understand how much society expects you to hate yourself and your disability because “being disabled is a tragic thing that ruins your life” and how that does affect your mental health, self esteem, your relationships with others, your medical care, and what kind of accommodations you can get.

3. It wouldn’t hurt to have a few sarcastic lines in response to uncomfortable conversations.

Stranger: so what’s with the...

Blind Character: what’s with what?

S: the... you know

BC: you’re gonna have to be a bit more specific

S: Your eyes?

BC: They’re... eyes

S: but you’re...

BC: Blind?

S: uh...

BC: yeah, I’m blind. *walks away*

Or this conversation:

S: *to some other character* so why are his eyes covered?

(author’s note: which, honestly, that’s fucking rude. At least have the guts to ask me yourself)

BC: If I look anyone in the eye they instantly perish.

*awkward silence*

BC: instantly.

Friend: It’s truly tragic

BC: *melancholic* that’s how I lost my sister. *chokes up* She was so young

Or this conversation:

S: Why are you wearing that?

BC: It’s called fashion Karen!

Or this conversation:

S: are you like... blind?

BC: yes?? why wouldn’t I be?? Wait, are you sighted? Are you one of those sighted people? You poor thing! What caused you to gain your sight? Do you have a car? A bike? Were you born sighted? What’s it like to see color? Do you miss not having to see 

God, I want a chance to try that last one. I haven’t interacted with a stranger in almost a year. One day...

4. Honestly, it’d also be cool if someone’s reaction to your character covering their eyes was like, “cool sunglasses,” or “cool *insert random character, even one you made up* cosplay,” (which is ten times funnier if this character is a notable figure in modern society like an actor who people might cosplay). 

5. You know, if he’s covering his eyes with some kind of blindfold, he should totally have custom blindfolds for his moods. Like, I have a mask that says “suck it up buttercup” and another that says “not today” because sometimes that’s the mood. And sometimes the mood is one of my floral masks, and sometimes the mood is my cat mask.

So, just some thoughts. I hope that helps.

Edit: a commenter said: “op, unless i'm mistaken this kind of reads like anon meant the character ISN'T blind but lies about being blind to explain covering their eyes? it seems like they made a typo on the word "isn't"”

So my original response to the question was based on the assumption that the character is blind. However,

If the character is not blind, then do not under any circumstances have them lie and say they’re blind to escape a mild inconvenience. 

It’s better to have the character actually explain the situation or straight up leave the conversation or invent a more ridiculous lie than to perpetuate the very real stereotype and misconception that there are people who fake being blind and therefore it’s okay to discriminate or harass them if you even suspect they’re faking.

Do not under any circumstances perpetuate that stereotype. Do not harass someone because you don’t think they’re blind enough.

[anxietywriter]

bleeding heart character things

the kind of characters that feel a need to help anyone when they can. and they feel guilty when they can't, even if it's not their fault. they don't want anyone to worry about them and tend to spare people's feelings rather than be honest. in other words: the perfect character for angst and a tragic backstory

recieving a flower for free from a homeless person and feeling guilty because that's their source of income, they press the petals/flower to remember

not being able to watch animal shelter ads because the sad animals tug at their heartstrings

volunteering at an animal shelter and feeling guilt at not being able to do more or adopt

volunteering at a homeless shelter and feeling guilt at not being able to do more

not having certain social medias (like twitter or facebook) because they know there's a lot of discourse there that will feed their guilt

trying to ask for preferences during every event but at the same time trying not to ask too many questions so they don't annoy people

they often feel useless and helpless, which leads to them feeling like a failure

avoids saying anything negative to spare people's feelings

struggles to say no when someone wants to buy them something because the person thinks it'll "suit them" even if they know they'll likely never use/wear it bc they don't want to seem dismissive/mean

would rather shop in person on their own bc then they won't have to worry about anyone trying to pay for them

muting group chats rather than leaving entirely even if they're never on

struggles to cut people off from their life, even if they're toxic

struggling to correct unwanted/problematic behavior/wording bc they don't want to start "drama" and also bc they're afraid that they might be overreacting and lose friends

they struggle to confront people or tell people that they're unhappy because they know the other person will feel bad

even when people apologize and they think it's disingenuous, they let it slide to spare the person, give them the benefit of the doubt. they never bring it up again, even when the person's actions don't match the apology and if the apology was never really accepted in the first place

tbh struggling to communicate in general because they tend to say what people want to hear rather than what they actually want to say

hero complex

getting over the i can fix [love interest] trope bc they're understanding that it's unhealthy

understanding what is/isn't healthy for them and still struggling to correct unhealthy behavior they find in themselves because "i don't want to hurt anyone"

feeling guilt at refusing a request from any of their friends/family, even if they think the request is unreasonable/selfish/entitled

not liking recieving gifts because they feel like they have to give one back

they probably have anxiety

they love the movie encanto and probably relate to it too much and daydream on what it would be like if they could do something important like mirabel because they don't think they could do something like that

joining clubs and communities at school so they feel connected with their peers and like they're actively helping

having a list of ideas on what their school could do differently and wanting to share them but like also not wanting to unintentionally insult anyone

[scamoosh]

talk about komaeda!!!

anon i am holding ur hand so tenderly and blowing u a little kiss....

going 2 ramble 🏃

i am thinking abt komaeda 24/7 but he has been on my mind sm recently i love that guy😔i am just going 2 ramble abt some of my thoughts and hcs 4 him bc i need 2 type too much abt fictional guys or ill die

-he is BIPOLAR!!!!! yes this is partially me projecting but he isssssss not only in the like . stereotypical mood swingy way that ppl like to point to but in the way that he has trouble gauging the severity of situations and reacting appropriately.,,, like not only reacting strongly but like. not being able to moderate his reaction even when he knows its unreasonable. and putting extremely high expectations on himself and others bc if everything isnt Very Good its Very Bad and feeling like even one failure to meet one expectation cancels out any good done by any other successes.,,,, idk. i feel like a lot of the ways i experience my own bipolar-ness can b pointed out in how komaeda thinks and acts and that is kind of comforting idk. bc his thought processes feel so obvious to me even tho i can recognize where theyre flawed and wrong idk. like one of the biggest things 4 me is feeling guilty bc u know a lot of the time when u get upset abt things u Know ur overreacting bc ur bipolar so when things Actually genuinely rightfully upset u its rlly hard to allow urself to feel upset without feeling guilty or worrying that its unwarranted and just a symptom . and like . thats komaeda too he feels so extremely but either feels excessively justified in it when hes riding the high or insisting that he never has any right to act according to his own feelings oughhgh. oh komaeda we're rlly in it now

-hes nonbinary :))) yes i am projecting again but i also must stay true to my theory that every danganronpa protag is trans and bi and every dr antagonist is nonbinary and gay <33 um. he feels a disconnect to (and occasionally a disgust for) his body. not 2 say that all trans ppl are unhappy w their bodies but idk komaeda has a very specific way of shifting between 'this is what i am and it is what it is' and like 'this is atrocious sorry 4 everyone who has 2 look at me' and that specific back n forth is smth that i personally can relate to? also i like when ppl draw him w lots of cute little accessories bc i think he would like little things like that w/out being concerned w the fact that ppl might associate them w femininity. plus w his whole complex abt junko and his obsession w her u know for sure he has an appreciation (even if for the wrong reasons) for femme culture <333 also i think he and mikan do each others nails sometimes :) and it takes like 4 hours bc theyre both nervous and clumsy as shit

-ok going back 2 the mental illness thing he also makes me rlly sad bc has moments of like . total self awareness and is like damn it sucks that i feel so unstable and act like that towards other people and deep down i wish i could change i want to be good i want to be loved but like . that doesnt change the fact that it happens again idk. his behaviors feel very cyclical which feels v real idk. farquad pointing meme MENTALLY ILL!

-ok wait typing that also made methink abt how in his final little hangout event convo he confesses that hes always wanted to be loved and that hurts my feelings so bad man. like that is the culmination of getting to know him is him confessing that he wants to mean something to someone else even tho he is 100% certain he doesnt deserve it and so should never Get it oughhhhhh. the overwhelming guilt that comes w being treated well is so real.

guys i love komaeda. this is so unorganized and dumb i just care him

[trulymadlysydney]

Syd bestie holy shit I am so confused with Shannon. I know we already talked about this but how could she say it’s not that big of deal after josh walked off when she literally just made it into a big deal? Damn she is something else isn’t she. Like honestly I was with josh on that one bc she was just being so unreasonable and didn’t listen to what he had to say.

The challenge itself also brought some surprising revelations. Like when they asked how many sexual partners the boys had? We now know it’s not Jeremy so it has to be one of the girls. But I have no clue which one. Maybe Olivia? I don’t know the search for the answer is exhausting lol. And when javonny said he would want to be coupled with Aimee?? Damn I kinda ship that like they wouldn’t work out but they’re my two fave islanders so a girl can dream. And then javonny saying that will and kyra spend all their time kissing instead of getting to know each other?? A bitch was SCREAMING the shade. I love that man

OPERATION HEART ATTACK? Bro that is going to end so badly for both of them. Like in cash’s case cinco already chose Trina over her and as harsh as it sounds I think she just needs to move on. And Olivia? I think that girl has gone off the rails lmao. When they were talking about what turns them on and she said that will was looking right at her? Like they were standing in a group obviously he’s gonna make eye contact with people in the circle. I understand that when you like someone you think everything is a sign that they like you too but will has never shown interest in her besides during the challenge today. Am I being too mean here? I just deadass think she’s seeing things when she says will likes her back or is sending her signs or whatever.

Also I don’t think it was wise for cash to tell Shannon about their plan. We all now Shannon lives for the drama and loves to play both sides. Plus Trina is her bestie so there’s almost no way she isn’t gonna tell her right? And I really hope that cash and Olivia tell Trina and kyra what they’re doing especially bc cash is so big on respect and if they just go behind their backs to graft… yikes talk about messy. But with all that being said do you think cinco or wills head will turn? I don’t think either of them will switch to be honest and then it’ll just be bad for Olivia and cash. I just think this whole operation is a horrible idea lol.

Okay and I think we’ve talked about who we’re voting for but I voted for Aimee and Wes obviously bc they’re my faves. But who do we think is gonna be in the bottom? I say Jeremy and florita and Trina and cinco.

Last thing! So casa amor usually happens half way through the season and since next week is week 3 I think casa amor is gonna happen sometime next week! Can’t wait for that drama!- E

OKAY HELLO I just watched AND I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS

First off, Shannon and Josh are so weird to me d;flskdj like I hate to say it but I DO get where she's coming from, but after he got defensive she was like "woah no wait you're overreacting ew!" (I mean she's a Pisces so... that explains it kldjafl;skj) But yeah she didn't even try to understand where he was coming from. That whole thing was so stupid lol.

The challenge was MESSY. Dude I went to the Love Island US instagram and people are deadass like OMG SO CINCO'S THE VIRGIN? Like... very obviously missing his joke kdjf;lksd like the DAY he came in he admitted to breaking a bed during sex hello. I still cannot for the LIFE OF ME figure out who the virgin is lmfao. If anyone I would've said Roxy but she wasn't even around for that lol. Also PLEASE I LOVE JAVONNY SO MUCH DKLFJSD;LKJ I LOVE WILL AND KYRA BUT HE'S RIGHT.

Also... I'm going to say something mean but you said something similar in the next paragraph you sent so I'm just gonna say it kdjf;lsdkj f I was legit shocked that miss Olivia was such a hot commodity among the men. Like I'm so sorry, she's so pretty and so fun but ... compared to the other girls I feel like she's boring ;akjfs;dlk 🥴

I agree, Operation Heart Attack is SO stupid and it's going to end up blowing up in both of their faces. Cash... love her to death but she neeeeeds to move on. She and Olivia both have already gotten too many people involved in this shit. We know Shannon is the QUEEN pot stirrer, there's NO way she's going to keep her mouth shut about this. As for Olivia and Will... its ridiculous lmfao like Kyra isn't an idiot, Will isn't giving secret signs. I know what it's like to like someone and think that everything is a sign but Olivia... if you don't leave Will and Kyra the fuck alone dlkajfd;slk.

See this is kind of what I was saying about why Cash is starting to annoy me. Like you said, she's SO big on respect and yet she's out here doing this? She really needs to stop thinking she's the main character of the villa. I think Cinco is gonna be tempted but no I don't think Will or Cinco are going to switch it up. I think it's going to end up SO bad for Cash and Olivia both.

I voted Aimee and Wes for sure. I feel like one couple that it's going to come down to is for sure going to be Florita and Jeremy. But as for the other one it's really tough to say... maybe Trina and Cinco like you said although I don't think they've really done anything problematic since getting together. I hate to say it I feel like it could be Olivia and Javonny...

OKAY YES I WAS GONNA SAY CASA AMOR SHOULD BE COMING UP SOON NO?? I'M SO FUCKING STOKED FOR THAT LKDJF;LKSJF I LIVE FOR THIS DRAMA AS MUCH AS IT STRESSES ME OUT

[traumawings]

it’s yet another long, looong vent

i hate this family so fucking much oh my god

why am i never allowed to talk about all the hurtful things they've done?? and my mom apparently likes to pretend that she's never hurt me but she has!! just as much as dad!!

but i'm never allowed to bring it up, and today just proved that yet again

i'm never allowed to bring up the damaging things you've done to me bc it either a) didn't happen b) you can't remember c) you never meant to hurt me/didn't know you were hurting me d) you get angry at me or e) you start crying and bring up all the things you've done for me and how you've always been there for me to guilt trip me out of talking about it ^or you apologize just to get it over with so i'll shut up about it and feel even more stupid than i already did and like i've ruined everyone's mood and i should just shut up and die

and i'm done, i'm so fucking done. you think it's not harmful to yell at your kid for being sexually abused at the age of 10 by someone who's 2 years older and way, way taller than her? you really think that's going to make things better? how fucking stupid are you??

but you know what?? good parents don't start crying or get angry at their kids when their kids try to express that you've hurt them. good parents acknowledge that you've hurt them and will sincerely apologize, not so that their kid will shut up about it or bc they feel like they have to or whatever, but bc they're truly sorry. good parents don't guilt trip their children. good parents don't tell their children they're being unreasonable when they express that you've hurt them. good parents don't make their child feel like they're not allowed to have emotions. good parents don't try to defend theirselves when their children tell them about the hurtful shit their parents have done to them. good parents make sure their children don't have to be afraid of them. good parents don't disregard their children's thoughts and feelings.

and i don't fucking care if you don't remember, i do!! and it hurt me so fucking badly!! but it seems really fucking convenient for you that you somehow only remember all the good things you've done for me.

you say you've only sent me to my room once and that that was after the sexual abuse at 10 years old (although you would never acknowledge that that was sexual abuse and instead you just thought it was my own stupid fault) but you did it way more often than that!! and you'd leave me up there for atleast half an hour!! while i sat there, crying and wondering why mommy and daddy hate me, why i'm such a bad kid, why i'm so fucking stupid that i just keep hurting everyone around me

you even did it when i was like what?? 5?? after i'd apparently said smth the both of you just didn't like bc how dare a child defend itself?? and the both of you looked at me with such cold, angry eyes and i was terrified!! and i was crying and nonstop apologizing out of pure fear!! and dad swung me over his shoulder and i tried to reach out to you, i literally called out to you, sobbing, and you just stood there and you did nothing to comfort me. and then i was put in my room, for probably half an hour or so, crying, absolutely terrified to come back downstairs after that.

and you wanna convince me that you don't remember that?? fuck you, you just don't want to remember. but i fucking do, i remember it. and it hurts me, every single day. and it hurts me that my parents apparently hate me so much.

i don't fucking care what your intentions were, the fact that you made FEEL like you were angry or that you hated me or whatever is bad enough!! so stop convincing me that i'm being unreasonable, i'm not!! you hurt me and i want you to fucking acknowledge it but you never will!! and you make feel so fucking stupid, like i don't have a voice of my own and like i can't do anything right!! you're constantly making me doubt my own memory and thats!! fucking!! abuse!! stop that!!

and i'm not saying that you're entirely horrible, bc i've always viewed you as the kindest, best person in my life, but that doesn't mean that you haven't hurt me, bc you have. you and dad have both traumatized me and actually quite severely so. and you make me feel like i'm overreacting, and i'm trying super hard to not believe you, but i just don't know anymore. i'm starting to lose more and more hope every single day, which i thought was impossible seeing that i pretty much had no hope left anymore anyway but here we are. and i have so much to say but you took away my voice so long ago so now i don't know how to explain what i feel anymore, not even to myself.

i just,, feel so fucking stupid right now. i've ruined everything. i'm a bad kid, a bad daughter. i'm ungrateful, worthless, a burden. i always fuck everything up. i lowkey just want to go back and apologize just to get this over with bc i feel so fucking guilty rn. i feel like a fucking monster. mom just wants the best for me, so why am i so ungrateful?? maybe i really should just kill myself, everyone would be better off without me.

i feel like i'm being so dramatic rn over something so small,, but at the same time,, this really does hurt me tho, so am i really being dramatic?

i don't know. i feel like i'm missing something. i just wish i had a normal family. i wish i had a normal, happy childhood. i'm done with this pain, i want to be normal. i want to be like other kids. but i never will be.

[spideyspence]

communication; peter parker

heya, this is (late & unedited) for @plushparker‘s 2k writing challenge. i hope you all enjoy this fic bc it was based on the prompt ‘i’ve been trying to talk to you all night’ and i got a little carried away. enjoy!

(warnings: the readers a dumbass in this fic but like,,, plot & angst. also there’s some violence bc there’s a fight scene at the end)

my masterlist

-

‘Peter why the hell couldn’t I communicate with you during that fight? Why weren’t you responding? I’ve been trying to talk to you all night.’ You yelled to your best friend on the top of a building in New York City.

Your best friend and you had just worked together in taking town a robbery of a bank on the Upper West Side that had been in the works of Wilson Fisk’s men for nearly a year. Peter and you had been working for hours each night, trying to plan how they were going to stop the crime. Peter was in his Spider-Man suit while you were in your own, a sleek black and purple outfit with your mask littered somewhere on the roof where you had thrown it in anger.

‘I’m sorry Y/N but I was punched, and the Bluetooth stopped working. I’m sorry that I was punched.’ Peter rolled his eyes.

He would be yelling at you too if he wouldn’t have been able to speak to you during dangerous events of that night. He was stressed because he was beginning to do more appearances at FEAST to help out Aunt May and he had a physics test the next morning he hadn’t studied for, and he was tired.

‘Those men were still stronger than we anticipated Pete. I was scared okay, I refuse to put you in danger which seems stupid because we’re a team, but you know I will always jump in front of you to save you but I can’t handle the idea of fighting on my own.’ Your lungs were starting to take in as much of the night air as they could during your angered rant.

‘No matter how much time we spent planning Y/N, they were always going to be stronger and have the upper hand on fighting. We have to rely on our ourselves and each other while they have thousand-dollar guns aimed in our direction.’ Peter said to you, his voice softer than yours.

‘You still could’ve contacted me! Karen still freaking works, right?’ You questioned sarcastically.

‘Yeah, but-’ Peter was stuck. You had a damn good point.

‘You know how important communication is, especially during a fight like that, knowing that our lives were at stake!’

‘Well if you’re going to be this panicked maybe we shouldn’t be working together!’ Peter yelled.

Silence.

It was always the two of you. Worked together on group projects in school, going to go see the new Star Wars films at the cinemas (Ned came along for a couple of them), studying, working together to take down the bad guys.

It was Y/N and Peter, that’s how the world works.

You stared at Peter, struggling to believe that your best friend would say something like that.

‘You really think that that is how we should go. Work alone? No longer help each other out?’ You questioned as you walk away to pick up your mask to put it back on to hide your tears from your best friend.

‘Y/N I- I didn’t mean that.’ Peter said softly, his voice starting to shake.

‘You seemed pretty certain about it.’ You snapped.

You didn’t want to leave your best friend. You knew that you and Peter were the best team. You understood each other’s movements. You knew that what you were about to do was completely unreasonable and stupid, but you were too clouded with your emotions and Peter’s words still racing through your head.

Peter started to slowly walk towards you.

‘Y/N, I swear I didn’t mean that. We’re a team, we always work together, and we work well. I’m sorry I’m just frustrated.’

‘Don’t bother apologising Peter, just, I’ll see you tomorrow at school.’

You turned around and leapt off the room and headed back home to get some sleep.

-

Walking down the halls of midtown, you kept your eyes focused on your locker because there was no way that you were going to face Peter.

Grabbing your books seemed like the perfect time for Peter to go up and talk to you but when you saw his New Balance sneakers next to you, you slammed your locker door shut and turned in the opposite direction, taking the longer way to your maths class.

You knew that you had to get over Peter’s words, and you knew you would eventually, but they had hurt so bad.

It wasn’t fair that Peter snapped at you just because you wanted to make sure that he was safe.

Sitting in maths you didn’t make eye contact with Peter. You had made the mistake of looking at him once and seeing the pain in his eyes made your stomach turn.

-

During lunch you didn’t talk to Peter, you just sat there reading your book, not taking in any words that were on the paper. You couldn’t focus on the story when thoughts of Peter were racing through your head.

Peter and Ned were whispering quietly to one another and Ned could sense the tension between the two of you. MJ was a lifesaver however because she sat down next to you.

Peter must have told her that something was going on, but you could tell from the look on MJ’s face, she didn’t know why.

-

After lunch was English with MJ. You didn’t have the class with Peter which was a gift for that day because you did not want to deal with your ‘best friend’.

MJ sat next to you and she questioned about you and Peter.

You two would always sit together at lunch, discussing whether the movie night this week was going to be at yours or his, whether the book was better than the movie (which MJ usually sided with you, because the book is (nearly) always better than the movie while Ned would side with Peter) and talking about what you learnt in physics. You two never talked about your teamwork outside of school, in fear of endangering others or if anyone was listening who shouldn’t be.

‘Peter and I had an argument last night over something. Just, he got on my nerves last night because he stressed me out.’

‘Okay, but we all know that he is an idiot, sometimes right?’ MJ laughs.

‘I know, and I know that I’m overreacting but it’s just really getting on my nerves. Peter’s my best friend and I want him to keep in contact you know?’ You said, straying closely to the truth, but not too close.

‘Peter sucks at texting back. He either texts straight away or at 3am, there’s no in-between.’ MJ smirks.

You sigh and continue to work on your English assignment.

‘I’m just distancing myself and I’m gonna work my own for a bit, rather than working with Pete.’

‘Okay, just remember that Pete will always be there for you, but  I know I don’t have to remind you.’

-

It was a week later. You had finished your homework for the night and told your parents you were going to bed, but you snuck out onto the fire escape and went to patrol for the night.

You hadn’t heard too much of Spider-Man’s activities in helping your city, only the small things such as helping the man find his pigeons.

Jumping from building to building, you were keeping an eye out for any odd behaviour when you spied a group of people hanging around a jewellery store. They were wearing homemade masks, so you knew this wasn’t a night where these people were getting a couple of drinks.

You eyed one of the masked people and jumped to a streetlight that was across the street from the store. Even though you never admitted it to him, you always had to thank Peter for teaching you how to stay balanced on the lights because there were too many laughter-filled nights and bruised legs the next morning from when you would slip.

When one masked people pulled out a hammer, that was when you interrupted.

‘Sorry to ruin your lovely night, but I’m not too sure that what you’re doing is legal.’ As you made your way over to the streetlight on their side of the busy NYC street.

The people on the ground started squabbling and pulling out their weapons that you had managed to not see in the first place. As they were pulling out their weapons, you told them to ‘take their time’.

You hadn’t thought that far ahead. Of course, they would’ve had weapons. So you stole your moment to think about what to do.

You saw an opening and leapt onto the tallest of the masked group and rebounded onto the smallest, ready to take them on.

‘Honey, you only just missed me. What a pity. Aim better next time.’ You teased as you dodged the female masked lady and then kicked her aside. Then you spun around to kick the tallest in the group on the temple, knowing that it would only knock the guy out.

You were down to the last three people, and you weren’t even tired. You were just doing your usual patrol and you were glad that the other ‘protector’ of New York hadn’t joined the party. However, when you looked to your left, you were ready to forgive your best friend so you could make it out of the night alive.

Many black SUV’s came screeching down the avenue, a never-ending line of them.

Your guess what that the people who were planning to rob the jewellery store, weren’t just a group of bored people.

In your moment of distraction, you felt someone punch you in the abdomen but after a year of fighting, you knew not to lean down. Instead, you gasped for air and hit back twice as hard. You spun, dodged and jumped, knocking out all of the robbers, wanting to get that off your to do list at the moment.

You saw many men run jump out of the many cars when you turned around, all now holding guns that you weren’t expecting.

Now you understood why you and Peter couldn’t work alone.

You always needed each other.

When the first shot was fired and you only narrowly missed, you knew you had got yourself into a bit of a mess.

Then you heard a familiar ‘pist’ sound.

However, you didn’t let your eyes flick over to your right, because in that moment, you were going to use Peter to your advantage.

It’s strange, there was a silence, as if the world was still but then you heard a voice in your earpiece.

‘Look Y/N, I’m sorry but we were both wrong. Could I be starting more unnecessary shit by saying this? Probably but we both had our faults. I should’ve contacted you, but you also didn’t have to ignore me. We didn’t have to have a ‘fight’. Anyway, I’m not gonna have a whole big speech right now because we’re about to be in the middle of something, but are we ready to work together again?’ Peter asked?

‘Okay yeah we’re all good. I’m sorry, and here we go. Start from the back and don’t be seen.’ You said quietly to Peter.

‘Yep spectacular spidey silent.’ You rolled you eyes and you saw out the corner of your eyes, a flash of blue and red jump to the corner of the building, and start taking out the men out the back. Even you could hear the ‘thwip’ from Peter, and even though he was saving you, you still needed to help his spider ass.

‘Okay, now let’s have some fun.’ You said as you ran forward to the army in front of you.

Now that everything was back in place, everything felt a lot smoother.

You flipped over about twenty men in front of you and you met the first guy with a kick to the throat and he stumbled back onto the ground and then you kicked another one of his buddies who landed right on top.

The two of you kept in touch the whole time, working well together and when you had your last five guys, you decided to have even more fun.

Finish things up by taking one of the guys and swinging him around to take out his other four mates.

You heard Peter laugh. It was your style to muck around a little bit, even when it was a dangerous situation.

Peter was the one to muck around with words, while you were the one to muck around a little bit when fighting, and it meant that the two of you worked well together.

You smiled at your best friend after the two of you took out the last guy and you went to hug your best friend when you looked over his shoulder only to shove the both of you to the side.

You could still hear the whistling of the bullet in your ear.

That’s when you saw one more car coming towards you, except you didn’t think this was one going to stop anytime soon.

‘Pete, do you wanna lift me?’ You turned to your best friend.

Peter nodded and grabbed onto your arm and swung the two of you up to the top of the building on the corner of the street.

The new black truck was driving past you and from the back on the building, a new problem arose.

You saw more men jump out, but then you saw the leader of the masked men.

Wilson Fisk.

The big (the only word that could describe him) man jumped down from the truck and you could see the metal bouncing back from the heavy man.

‘So here we are Spider-Man and his little girlfriend.’ Fisk looked up at you with a evil smirk.

You couldn’t care less about being called Spider-Man’s ‘girlfriend’, but you weren’t happy about the fact that Fisk had only called you that.

You weren’t Peter’s sidekick, and Peter wasn’t yours.

You were equal.

Now you were ready to fight.

Peter shot his webs over to the building opposite the two of you and swung the two of you over them. You dropped from Peter’s hold and knocked out one of the men cold.

You saw Fisk load his gun and before you could say anything, webs were shot, and the weapon went flying from Kingpin’s grasp.

You nodded to your friend in acknowledgement of his smooth move and the two of you went back to fighting the men.

Take down the pawns in order to take down the king.

Peter was dodging bullets and you had taken down the last men when you turned around to see Peter held by his neck by Wilson Fisk.

Your best friend started kicking, flailing around, suffocating.

You gasped, scared but you had no time to let the panic set in.

You took a deep breath. Panic was going to be no friend here.

The fire hydrant wasn’t going to be a good distraction, but you always had some stuff up your sleeves.

Peter wasn’t the one who was also inventing, nor Tony. You worked with Peter a lot when it came to improving his suit. It also meant that you had made a few little toys for yourself.

You threw a smoke bomb in Fisk’s direction hoping that it would release his grip of Pete just a little and then you climbed to the top of another streetlight and leapt onto Fisk.

You were right and landed on the crime lord’s shoulders and in surprise, he dropped and spun around to try and throw you off which you allowed.

Peter always recovered fast and it was something that you never completely understood, but soon enough you felt Peter’s webs stick to you and the next moment you were flying in Fisk’s direction and you kicked the man in the stomach which caught him by surprise. It then allowed you to distract Fisk as Peter snuck up behind him and began to tie him up with his webs.

Once everything was handled and Fisk was not able to move due to the number of webs that were trapping him, you called 911.

‘Yeah we’re all good. Yeah on the corner where the jewellery store is. Yep that’s the right one. Yep where the bus stop is. Yep on 5th avenue. All good? Anytime. Have a good night now guys.’ You wished the police a good night.

‘Well that was fun.’ You laughed.

Now that the adrenaline had stopped for the two of you, you realise how tired you were and how much your bodies hurt.

‘Can’t wait to see the bruise tomorrow. And shit, it’s 10:30pm.’ You said.

‘Did you finish the chem work?’ Peter asked as the two of you swung across the city.

‘Yeah I did. Do you need to borrow my answers?’ You laughed.

‘Okay yeah, just this once. Thanks.’ Peter chuckled.

‘You said that the last five times dumb-bum.’

It then returned to silence, and you knew what was coming next.

‘Peter, I’m sorry. Just, I got really scared and I panicked and yes, I was kinda rude with ignoring you and I know it was a bitchy thing to do but I was so angry. Pete, I was so scared.’ You explained. You didn’t have a good reason or your actions, but you were trying to make sense of them.

‘Y/N, I get it. I would’ve panicked too if the roles were swapped but we both acted out okay. We all good now?’ Peter smiled.

‘Of course, buddy.’

‘Okay shut up.’ Pete groaned at the nickname.

‘Be nice if you want the answers.’ You shouted as you returned to the ground, as you were now going to walk the couple more blocks to return to your apartment complex.

‘Sorry. Good night, love you!’ Peter swung away.

If it were any other city, people would be annoyed at the shouting.

‘Love you too buddy!’ You shouted from the ground.

You walked home with a smile on your face.

-

The next morning, at school, Peter thanked you again and called you a ‘lifesaver’ for giving him the answers to the chemistry homework.

Peter maybe smart, but he sucked at remembering to do his homework.

MJ smiled and you nodded to her from across the hall.

Everything was back to normal between you and your best friend, with one lesson learnt.

Just fucking communicate.

[amourete-blog1]

(( i fell asleep before i could post this one but, sequel to this log w clams, ftf. this isn’t technically done-done bc at the end of what’s posted here, we made a discord to rp with three people instead of two, but it was like 6am so i ended up snoozing rather abruptly. orz

tagging: @vvicissitudo @brackishbarracuda @9hosis @apisobscurus

begin log:

vvicissitudo > You wake up and it's dark. Amice has dimmed the lights a little, likely knowing Felide is more at home in lower levels of light. You feel like you slept on.. well, a plank of wood, but you're rested, and you stir, stretching quietly.

> You don't want to open your eyes yet. Things might have gone to shit. Please not yet. Just a few more minutes, dad...

amourete You're sitting on one step with your back to the wall, your knees pulled up to your chest, your arms crossed over them. You look over when you see him stir, watching the way he moves. He seems to be awake...

"You can sleep more if you'd like. It seems like you needed it."

vvicissitudo Nnnf. You're up now, you guess. You roll up to sit, sighing out. "... No, it's fine. I'm a deepwaterdweller, my metabolism is slow and a little goes a long way.... How is everything? Any news?"

Your fins twitch, and you look over to her, the tiny amount of gold threaded into your eyebrow in the form of two small rings raising.

amourete "Yeah, yeah." You roll your eyes, bringing a smile to your face. "Good news and not-so-good. The good news is, Vici *did* know where Vis is. He's safe at Vici's place, unharmed."

vvicissitudo > You settle back, relaxing a little. "... That's good. What's... The not so good?"

> Your phone buzzes and you lean over. When you see who its from you quickly pick it up, drop it, and pick it up again, to type fervently on it, Felide ignored for the moment.

amourete You let him do as he pleases, waiting for breaks to speak.

"The not so good is that he's in a bad way. He's very shaken - can't talk about what happened without breaking down. So he's not physically injured, but he does seem to have some... mental strain, at least from an initial reaction." You frown. "Time will tell if it stays or goes. Vici said he doesn't want to leave Vis alone. He did, however, say that he wanted to see you, and -"

You look at your wrist, where you've scribbled in old Alternian script all the things Vici had asked you to pass along.  "Said that if you needed a place to hide, to come to him. He also sent me a lullaby to give to you, infused with hope powers. I'd like to get that off my phone as soon as I can, if it's possible."

vvicissitudo > You look up from your phone, to listen to Felide. There's a smile on your face, soft and loving and god, it's like you just lost a decade or two of age, and its easy to see why Meenah fell in love with you. The smile keeps up as Felide talks, and falls when she mentions the lullaby.

"Oh, uh, right. Here, let me see your phone." You hold out your hand and stand. Vis is okay!! And Meenah is okay!!

amourete You hand it over willingly, unlocked. That's trust right there. "He said you should probably listen with headphones. I... Don't touch godly stuff with a ten foot pole, so that's likely best. Otherwise I wouldn't mind listening... Singing is such a soothing sound."

vvicissitudo > You walk over and place the phone on a stand, on a small end table. "Amice, download the lullaby, delete all traces of it from the phone in question, and save it to my archives, please..."

> A smooth, light voice replies, -(Of course.)-

Then you turn, to look at Felide. "... Meenah texted me." you say quietly.

amourete Amice. You commit the name to memory, pairing it with the voice. You aren't familiar with technology enough to know how they function, but you know some AIs speak like this - and you assume that's what Amice is. You'd find out later that you were right.

The truth is, you value voices above little else. They're soothing, and listening to Clams and even Amice talking has helped you calm significantly in just the past minute.

When Clams speaks again, though, you're on alert. "She did? Wh - can you say that she said?"

vvicissitudo > You nod, staring into your phone some more.

And then you choke a little. and one hand goes to your mouth, and tears bead at the corners of your eyes.

> It's one thing to know she maimed someone, it's another thing to hear her say it, to describe it, to hear her tell you about your child screaming in pain, how bad the burns really are.

"She... She said she wants you to know everything. She... She said she took Cho's arm... Aya's burnt real bad, even on her face, I..."

You sit down. Your legs are weak. Your head is spinning.

amourete You move the instant you see him falter. "Clams - Clams, focus on me. Focus on my voice."

Your hands move faster than your voice, catching him under his arms to help lower him to the floor. It's careful, cautious. "Breathe in, deep for me. Take a break. I think you jumped back to this stress too quickly..."

vvicissitudo It's so hard to take a breath, so hard to look at the words on the screen and know.... Meenah is at fault here. You don't know what to do about it. She jumped to conclusions, and heavily overreacted, and you want to tell her, you can tell her, but you don't want to tell her, to see the look on her face...

Felides voice cuts through your head, and you listen, and you take a breath, and you drop your palmhusk to the ground, and breathe.

amourete You don't think to catch the palmhusk - that's half-stupid, in retrospect, but by the time it occurs to you, the moment has passed. It has a case anyway, to hell with it. Your eyes are entirely on Clams and you're kneeling in front of him, one hand on his shoulder and another where he can reach it, if he chooses to take it.

"It's going to be okay. No matter what. We're going to make it through this, come hell or high water." You stay in his field of vision, softly, gently watching him. "Just focus on me for right now. Everything else can come later. Deep breaths - you're doing great."

vvicissitudo You close your eyes and focus on her voice. "She did it," You whisper. "She didn't even... know who hurt Aya, she just assumed it was Chosis, and just assumed it was malicious intent. She did it in cold blood, I don't... I knew she was having some issues... But she didn't even... know..."

You're flabberghasted, you're floored, you're absolutely... "God, there's no way this is going to end good for anyone, it's her fault if it was an accident, and theres no way to tell, cho is comatose and sal is malfunctioning, and vis can't talk, I..."

No, deep breaths. Deeeeep breaths. You rest your weight there, and breathe.

amourete "Shhhh." You urge him silent, all but begging him to breathe. Between his panic you can pick out the information you need, and all of it confirms your worst fears. You wait until he's breathing somewhat evenly.

"There will be time for this. That time is not now. Cho will wake up. Sal and Vis will heal. Meenah will come home, and we will find a way. She's not unreasonable - we can work with this. It isn't the end."

vvicissitudo You drag your hands down your face, moan softly, groan too. When you open your eyes, they're... strange. Like tiny computers, but the overlay fades  after a moment, and you gesture with a hand to her phone on the stand. "... She wants to talk to you."

amourete That... was weird.

You move to the stand, inspecting the console thoroughly as you walk. Before you take your phone, your motions resemble that of a bow, your hands clasped, and you accompany it with a "thank you" soft enough that you hope he doesn't hear - but you have no way of knowing.

"She can reach me however she likes, whenever she likes. She knows that. What, um..." You hesitate, then gesture to your eyes. "What was this?" Meaning, the computer screen look.

vvicissitudo Nnf. "Dangerous body mod," You explain quietly. "I never wanted to be without access to a phone or leave meenah without a way to find me forever again..."

You say what you can without saying that you've got the same mental uplink software in your head as Sal does, because Felide won't know how to handle that, you think.

amourete Good thinking, Clams.

"Technology is amazing," is what you offer in reply, with a little smile. You give him a little nudge, but you're almost afraid that small motion will send him tumbling down the steps, armor and all.

"Come sit with me. I'll talk to her. Thank you."

vvicissitudo You shuffle over to her and sigh. You... You don't think Sal is coming. He'll have cooled off a little by now, and you're pretty sure he won't leave Cho anyway...

You begin to strip off the top layer of your armor. The cloak comes off, the pauldrons disattach, the arm guards... You leave the torso plating and neck guard on, though. You're not /stupid/ and that's the hardest part to get on.

"Alright..."

amourete You watch this display with some amount of fascination, an amused smile growing on your face.

"And here, we observe the seadweller in his natural environment, shedding his skin..." Your voice mimics a nature documentary you saw once, exaggerated and deep, with an accent you can't place. "He will peel off layers to stow away for the cold dark seasons, at which time he will take arms against whichever enemies may battle for his turf."

vvicissitudo > You can't help but laugh, and shove her lightly... And then you get a dawning look of realization, and you look up the stairs. "... I... I forgot, I..."

You're a bad person, you're a terrible person. How could you forget theres someone else here. Someone who's probably more hurt by meenah being gone than you are.

amourete ?

You're confused. "You forgot?"

vvicissitudo > You bring out your palmhusk and type furiously on it, anything else all but forgotten.

"Mituna... Meenahs' mituna. He's so quiet sometimes, I forget he's here... He has, uh, issues, her leavin can't have been good.."

As you type, your brow furrows more into the worry lines most people know and love as your own grow more into existance. You were right, tuna isn't good. Aggh. What do you do.

amourete You fold your fingers together, watching him worry. You let him operate in silence for a minute, then say, "If he's here, invite him to the stair picnic."

This is obvious for you. It's just the best possible plan. Your encampment here on the stairs is officially deemed "the stair picnic."

vvicissitudo You nod, and begin typing up on your phone. "Yeah, I'll invite him down. Gimme a sec."

> You do so, and then show her the small log.

[05:39] LS: hey [05:39] LS: you wwant to come dowwn to the first floor [05:39] LS: share some food [05:39] LS: felide is here [05:39] LS: do you knoww her [05:39] LS: shes meenahs red [05:39] AO: K1ND 0F [05:39] AO: 4 L177L3 [05:39] AO: 1 [05:39] AO: 1LL C0M3 JU57 [05:39] AO: H4NG 0N [05:39] LS: alright

Then you speak. "So uh, we're hanging on I guess."

[churchyardgrim]

bigass vent post all in one go bc if I go to sleep with this shit in my head I’ll rot into the bed overnight

what I thought were the established facts of working this haunted house: last ticket slots are sold for 10pm, it takes roughly 30-45 minutes to complete the circuit, meaning we can expect to be released by 10:45

what happened tonight: 10:45 comes and goes, it takes till 11:30 for the last groups to be done, I’m not on the road until almost 12 bc I spend ten minutes bickering with the solitary management person about what the fuck just happened. apparently when 10 rolled around there were still 200 ppl in the parking lot waiting for tickets and they just. decided to keep selling them. and notified fucking no one of this.

what I was told, effectively: suck it up, this is how gigs like this work, you should have known already. you can bring it up with [management person who I have never once seen].

I cried the entire way home out of frustration and anger and hunger and exhaustion, doubled by the news that the sushi I’d been expecting had been rotting on the counter for four goddamn hours bc my dad thought I’d said I didn’t want it refrigerated and it didn’t occur to him to think “wait, that doesn’t make sense, raw fish will go bad if left at room temp for that long” and I’m so fucking upset at him I can’t even find the words. I’m 90% sure I’m going to send a curt and cold resignation email tomorrow and just not show up again except to collect my measly paycheck.

am I overreacting here? half of these performers have a significant commute, the end timing has to be communicated clearly or else it fucks up everyone’s night. my dad was waiting for me for almost an hour, thats unacceptable. management is a goddamn mess, fucking no one is available at the best of times, and they’ve been fucking up in smaller ways that probably should have been red flags for me. and I’m only getting paid $72 per night, no matter how late we’re kept. that’s really not good enough. I feel justified, but I’ve also got half my brain telling me that this is stupid, I’m being unreasonable, I should just keep my head down and deal with it, and I’m still not done crying and I’m so goddamn tired and I just want to rest, this is not an okay way to be treated, I shouldn’t be complaining, I don’t know what to do.