#even if most of it is just me rambling to myself its like that same feeling to me
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don't you ever grow up
pairing(s) beckett sennecke x fem!reader
summary: beckett and yn throughout the years falling in love with each other.
warning(s): none. just some pure teeth rotting fluff :)
wc: 2.3k
an: hi loves!! new fic about a new pookie!! Beckett!! ughhhh I love this fic so much. I was inspired by a Taylor swift song..no surprise here!! i loved writing this so much, its so sweet and cute. I wasn't too sure how to write Beckett, so I just kinda went with it LOL. also I love the header I made, its just so?? cute LOL! anyways! I hope you enjoy, like and reblog if you do! more coming very soon! let me know if you have ideas for me! much love as always.
happy reading <3
12 years old
“Yn!! Put your bike up, it's time for dinner!” I hear my mom shouting from the front yard of our house. Letting out a deep sigh, I sadly slowly turned myself around. I was just getting to a good part of my ride mom, I thought to myself as I made my way back to our house.
Pink and purple clouds litter the sky, summer nights in Canada were always so beautiful, the clouds kinda look like cotton candy? I wonder what flavors they taste like, I think to myself as I continue to ride down the street. My mind is so captured by the cotton candy colored clouds and the way the ground feels beneath my bike, that I forget that I'm riding a bike, before I feel myself crashing into something.
As soon as I know it, I'm laying straight on my back in the middle of the sidewalk. I turn my head to the side to see my pink sparkly bike turned upside down on its side. I lean myself up slightly to see something I ran into, happens to be a boy?
“Oh my gosh” the boy says, scrabbling to his feet, his helmet on his head crooked from the crash.
“Are you hurt, do you need 911?” he asks me, dropping his knees beside me.
“Im okay, i don't need 911” i giggle
“Good, i thought i killed you” he says, offering me a hand pulling me to my feet
“Thank you '' I say, dusting myself off from the crash, fully taking in the boy in front of me, his short brown hair sticking out from his helmet, his blue eyes softly shining in the evening sun.
“Do you have a concussion? You're looking at me kinda weird” he asks, waving his hand in front of my face.
“Im okay, im okay” i say quickly, embarrassed that he caught me looking at him
“Okay, I'm very sorry for running into you, I was looking at the clouds..” he trails off, as he pushes my bike towards me from the grass.
“Do you think they look like cotton candy?” i ask smiling
“I WAS THINKING THAT” he laughs
“ME TOO” I say laughing back at him, as I get on my bike, the nameless boy doing the same.
“So what's your name” i ask as we start to slowly pettle our way down the sidewalk
“Beckett” he says,
“you?” he asks turning to me
“Yn”
“So yn” he says looking forward, “What do you think the cotton candy clouds taste like?”
14 years old.
“FIRST DAY OF HIGHSCHOOL HOW ARE WE FEELING?” Beckett yells beside me from the backseat of his moms car.
“I'd feel much better if you were not yelling in my ear at 8 in the morning” sending him a tight lipped smile.
“Sorry sorry… im just excited and nervous” he says
“Why are you nervous?” i ask confused by his statement
“What if no one likes me? Or or i hate the classes i have” he rambles
“Beckett, you're probably already the most popular boy in our grade and you haven't even stepped foot into the school, you're going to be just fine '' I say, resting my hand on his leg in an attempt to calm him down.
“You always know how to make everything better. What would I do without you?” he says, smiling at me.
“You'd go crazy probably” i laugh, “don't ever think about replacing me” i say teasingly
“I could never, no one could replace my best girl”
Best girl?? Oh gosh, is this car getting hot or is it me?
“Come one, thing one and thing two” Beckett's mom says from the front seat, before she opens her door. We quickly grab our bags, getting out of the car.
“Okay come on you two! Picture time!” she says smiling, holding her phone out in front of her, ready for the picture
“Mom. Are you serious?” Beckett whines from beside me, a quick elbow jab to his side quickly shuts him up.
“Ow!” he yelps
“Shut up and take the picture you big baby”
“Yes ma’am” he says rubbing his side dramatically
“Okay get closer! Act like you two love each other” she says
Beckett and I huddle in closer together upon his moms request, feeling his arm wrap around my waist, my heart rate picking up at the feeling. Snap out of it yn get it together. It's just your 14 year old hormones.
“OKAY 1 2 3!” his moms shouts from us, snapping out of my daydream, i cast a big smile on my lips for the picture.
“Awwwww!! You two look so cute. Ugh please don't ever grow up you guys!!” she says before pulling us into a hug with each of her arms.
“Okay” she says pulling back, “have the best first day ever! I love you both, beckett please watch out for yn”
“Always mom, always gotta look after my best girl” he says, slinging an arm around my shoulder, as we walk up the stairs of the school, with a smile on my face that can be seen across the world.
Not knowing how the first day of highschool would go for the next four years, but what I did know was that I was in love with my best friend.
16 years old.
Today is the day of the sophomore formal. My hands couldn't help but shake as I touched and fixed my hair for the 300th time in the last 5 minutes. Staring at myself in the mirror as I run my hands along my dress, in an attempt to smooth out the non existent wrinkles.
“Yn honey how's it going in there?” i hear my mom call out from the other side of the door
“Good..just looking over everything!” I say, taking a deep breath and one last look at myself before I open the door.
Slowly walking out, seeing my mom standing in the doorway, her hand moving to cover her mouth as she stares at me.
“How do I look?” I nervously ask my hands running to lay with the fabric of my dress.
“Oh baby, you look stunning. Beckett won't be able to keep his eyes off of you the whole night.” she says to me, her voicing cracking with emotion
“Really?”
“Yes really, you look beautiful” running a hand across my cheek, as she looks at me
“Gosh i didnt think id get this emotional” she rasps out
“Okay let's go downstairs, and get some pictures! Beckett should be here any-” the noise of the doorbell cuts her off
“Speak of the devil, there he is!” she turns to me with a smile, “okay you wait up here and then i'll tell you when to come down, okay?”
Nodding my head in agreement, as she begins to make sure way downstairs. My voice feels like it's caught in my throat as I stand there. My nerves start to rise again at the thought of Beckett seeing me all dressed up. Oh gosh what if he thinks i look bad, and doesn't want to go with me anymore??
“Yn, honey are you ready?” my mom calls from the bottom of the stairs
“Yeah, coming!”I shout, now or never I think to myself, taking one last deep breath before heading down the stairs.
My slow steps only add to the building nerves that I already have in my body. My head remains low as I walk down the stairs, scared to look up and see everyones eyes on me. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, slowly bringing my head up, locking eyes with a suited up, wide eyed beckett.
“Hi” i whisper softly
“You look so beautiful” he says instantly
“Thank you, you look handsome” I say, a nervous smile spreading across my face.
“Here these flowers are for you '' Beckett says, holding out the most beautiful bouquet of flowers i've ever seen in front of me.
“These are so beautiful, thank you”
“You're welcome, always gotta do the best for my best girl” he says with a smile
Best girl. Best girl. Best girl.
“Okay, come on love birds, picture time!” my mom says from beside us, beckett quickly moving to grab my hand and part of my dress as i walk out the door. Flashing him a smile as we head outside
“Okay, act like you two love each other!” becketts mom says from beside mine, standing in front of us, as they hold their phones out.
Becketts arm finds my waist, as mine finds his, looking at each other with soft smiles before turning back towards the camera.
“1 2 3!” my mom says
“Oh! They look so darling!! How cute!” our moms say, as they look at the pictures
“Okay another one!”
Quickly moving back into picture formation, putting a smile on my face ready for the picture, just as my mom is counting down I feel becketts lips pressing against the side of my head, right as the picture is taken.
Heat flows through my body once he pulls away, a smile dancing across his lips as he looks down at me.
“You look beautiful” he says once again to me
“When you look at me like that, i feel like i am” i say
“Good, my best girl should always feel like that”
Not knowing what his best girl means as he pulls me towards his car, but I do know that I'm falling more and more in love with him each day.
18 years old.
It's the day of becketts draft. My hands are shaking as I sit next to his mom. I couldn't be more proud of him, all of the hard work and dedication he's put in to get to this point, I could be more proud. As much as I am proud of him, I can't help but feel waves of nervousness and selfishness flow through my body.
Where will Beckett be drafted at, how far will he be from his friends, family and me? What team will he go to, what number will he pick? All those thoughts are flowing through my head as I sit silently next to his mom, who's talking to his father.
I see Beckett lean forward to get my attention, matching his movements I lean forward looking at him.
“Are you okay?” he mouths to me
I send him a quick smile and thumbs up before settling back into my seat, just as I do the lights start to dim, signaling that the draft is starting. Taking a deep breath before directing my attention to the stage, it's now or nothing.
Beckett was projected to be the 10th or 12th draft pick, so hearing his name being called as the 3rd overall draft pick from the Anaheim Ducks sounded like a fever dream to everyone in the crowd, especially beckett. Who rises from his seat, with a shocked look on his face. His jaw dropped as he turned to his dad, who pulled him into a hug. Making his way down the aisle to his mom, doing the same with her.
My hands are shaking as I stand up, I can't help but start to cry, as Beckett wraps his arms around me, pulling me into the tightest hug ever. pulling back quickly before I even have a chance to speak, he's making his way down the aisle towards the stage. His mom brings me into her arms as we lean into each other crying at the sight of our boy walking across the stage.
I didn't see Beckett for the rest of the draft, he seemed to be whisked away by reporters and the media for pictures or questions. At the end of the draft, his family and I are led into the back of the arena into a room, with ducks reporters, and right in the middle of the crowd stands beckett. Dressed in a ducks jersey and hat, stands the smiling boy.
As soon as he sees his parents, he makes a beeline straight towards them, pulling them back into tight hugs as they whisper sweet things to him. I stand back witnessing the sweet moment between him and his family, with a smile on my face. Pulling away from his mom, his eyes catch mine, making his way towards me, pulling me off my feet into a hug.
“ im so proud of you” i say to him as he settles me back on my feet
“I can't believe this, this is so crazy” he says
“I know, i'm so so proud of you my little duck” i say tugging on his new found jersey
“I couldn't have done it without my best girl” he says looking down at me, our eyes locked together with so much force and love?
Before I even know what's happening, becketts face is moving closer and closer to mine, and before I know it his lips are meeting mine in a sweet kiss. My hands grab his face, pulling myself into his lips. A smile spreads across his face when he pulls away, my hands still resting on his face, as I look at him in shock.
“I've wanted to do that since I was 12 years old, I don't know what took me so long,” he says to me.
“But what I do know” he continues “is that i never want to go another year or day or week without it” before connecting our lips back together once again.
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no one told me how isolating unmasking would be
#and its certainly...something#like i dont regret it#i dont wanna masking to be my default and i dont wanna be in pain or uncomfortable anymore#but realizing that the ppl in my life have never been exposed to the real unmasked version of me#and finding that most of them dont like that version#well its kinda heartbreaking#and dont get me wrong i do love my alone time#but im also so terribly lonely at the same time#and dont know hoe to fix it bc for most ppl relationships depending on the going out aspect#and lots of that stuff is painful for me and im trying to not force myself to do#so im just left on my own#just wasnt ready for how terrible this would be even tho its also great#autism#ry rambles#probably will delete later
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The more I think about it the more I really feel like the recently coined term mesosex might fit me and it's been shared by several intersex education/advocacy blogs I follow now so I know there's support for the term but I'm still like. Scared I would be Intruding™ on intersex issues if I started using it. Like I mean. I'm an afab & (afaik) perisex person with a reproductive disorder that's likely caused by a (non-intersex) hormone imbalance which I'm now essentially having to take feminizing HRT to fix, and as a result I'm now growing tits and undergoing female-pattern fat redistribution at the age of 25 after years of having little to no secondary sex characteristics. I've always identified with intersex issues but now that I'm essentially having to undergo HRT to make my body match my asab that connection to intersex issues feels even stronger. And like that's what the term is for. But my anxiety is still like "but what if you're intruding tho" lol 🙃
#rambling#for the curious the specific disorder is endometriosis and recent research has shown that endo is most likely linked to#estrogen dominance which is where either your body makes too much estrogen OR not enough other hormones (progesterone & testosterone)#and given that the only thing that has helped me at all has been going on full progestin-only treatments#and the fact that everything ive researched about estrogen dominance and low progesterone matches up with my symptoms#it definitely seems like low/no progesterone is the issue for me#(although the docs didnt test my levels beforehand and now i cant get them tested unless i want to go off treatments 🥲)#and like. this progestin treatment has changed my fucking life. legitimately#like it didnt just stop my (pretty severe) endo it also fixed like. all of my physical health issues. stuff i didnt even know was related#dont wanna get off topic talking about my other health issues but. going on progestin has easily been the best health thing to happen to me#but it also feels so fucking weird to be going through the same type of changes that like transfems go through on hrt essentially#as an afab perisex person. its not a bad weird but like its just a strange phenomenon and it would be nice to put words to it i guess?#like im a person who has lived the last 10+ years disabled by a reproductive disorder that prevented my body from developing 'normally'#and now im going through feminizing hrt at the age of 25 to fix my reproductive disorder#thats not exactly like. the normal perisex afab experience lol. but at the same time my specific reproductive disorder and hormone imbalance#dont classify me as intersex (no hyperandrogenism just some mix of too much estrogen/not enough progesterone or testosterone#typical anatomy (afaik) aside from the uterine abnormalities resulting from endometriosis)#and its just. such a weird position to be in. i share a lot of common ground with intersex issues but im not intersex myself#and the whole purpose of mesosex was to create a word for people who arent quite either. 'people who identify with but not as intersex'#and i think that describes me. but also like.... do i count?? 😭#tmi#request to tag
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You know how people say that the world is different when you lose a love? I feel that
#txt#although it could be worse#he could be dead#or could have cut me off completely#but music doesnt feel the same rn#my only comfort show is modern family and ive nearly finished it#most of my comfort shows i watched with him#well some#so they hurt to watch#i can finally relax my mind enough to pay attention to other stuff now#and read#but its all eh#but not seeing him every day is hard af#i dont even want to play games#left the pc with him#kind of miss my minecraft world#but that was our world so#and all his siblings#was a family realm aha#cant even play mc by myself cause im not great at most of it#i just build and mine#but i dont like mining by myself either#omg im rambling
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I made a boo oc!! I'll make more drawings to use them for when I start making "serious" YouTube videos :3
#mayodraws#dont really know what else to tag so#TIME FOR RAMBLING WOOHOO#im thinking of just getting rid of the name Mayo tbh#ive grown sick of it#honestly might just stick to my real name for everything atp#i use it for the entirety of discord now so 💀#i just feel like its not me if its not my actual name#its like its a separate identity of myself even if im the same person you know?#i like feeling that i am me even through a screen i am still me and not some offbrand representation of myself#so hey everyone my name is Hailey :3 feel free to call me that#soon enough ill change all my socials or the ones I actually use to be some form of 'Hailstorm' because it sounds cool imo#and its a nickname my sister gave me so it also means something special to me <3#should I have made a separate post for this? yes#is it too late? also yes#since im in a ramble session i may as well say more on my mind#im in a server for discord and i so badly have been trying to become friends with people there but holy shit even after like 2 months#i still cant gather courage to speak most of the time#hopefully ill open up more soon but man i need to just not be so shy 😭#are you having fun reading through the tags 💀💀#i would be surprised of anyone actually read all if them#if you did i hope you have a wonderful day 👍👍#also Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its Christmas totally#back onto the youtuve thing most of my videos are just shit like “toad screaming” or editing zelda cutscenes but at some point i want to#make scripted videos for nintendo related stuff#i already finished a script for ttyd and i know its not the best script but for being my first its good enough and ill learn along the way#okay im done yapping Happy St Patrick's Day
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gonna word vomit in these tags oops
#rambling to myself whatever#ik i just need to settle into this flat and get used to living by myself but im kinda like#hmm have i cursed myself w being lonely#i think also this flat is pretty dark bc the other buildings block out the sunlight so my seasonal depression is going crazy in advance#like its dumb but im not very approachable irl so i dont have many uni friends on my course and im just kinda#idk how i feel about it all#if my timetable stays the same i have tues and wed off and im getting in my head wo the distraction#like ik ill be fine in theory but im overthinking rn and its not even 3am lonely hours#and ik i can go out and do things by myself bc i often do but sometimes its nice to have the company#i made most of my friends at dorms but it was intercollegiate so they all go to diff unis to me so timetables clash double#and my closest uni friend is studying aboard in ny rn :(#idk i just feel like sometimes im not on the same path as everyone at uni rn#or maybe ur 20s are really just isolating idk#esp after the pandemic and many many lockdowns like i took a year out and all my old friends went straight to uni#and the diff in experience just meant they got closer and i got further#i only talk to one of them now and shes my ride or die but also she was kinda in a diff group of friends#and its funny (?) to think my main friendship group all still talk to each other#i just dont think im an easy person to be friends with#and idk why#its not for lack of trying or anything i just dont think im the type of person who has longlasting relationships#idk im not going into that rn#i also chose to go to a uni close to home so theres a lot that ive already done#its ok i can always do them again#but also im kinda like what if i just go home !! lmao#and itd be nice but i think itd make me feel worse when im back in the flat#hh whatever let me just get on with it and move on#its only 5 weeks until reading week and i only have this year left of uni#endure endure endure
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when a thing is so good you can’t even post about it tbh you have no idea how to even do it justice it’s so important to you that it just has to live in your brain quietly forever
#i have a zelda sideblog but i like do not post super frequently there#i don’t even know how to like begin to touch on how good botw/totk are#instead of fandomblogging as a fun hobby in and of itself to entertain myself (like i do here)#i’m just so blown away by the quality of those games they entertain me alone#and like i don’t think there’s anything i can say or create that someone else hasn’t already said or done so incredibly well#either that or it couldn’t possibly be put into words anyway#does any of this make sense#peach rambles#kh is like ‘aaaah what a fun and complex ongoing series ooooh i’m so invested!’#botw is like ‘ah. i’m still the same mentally ill high schooler i always was. i’m still trying to learn to grow and recover. okay.’#one makes my circuits spin and one punches me directly in the heart and knocks me over but then gently lifts me back up on my feet#only video game actually worth its $60#totk was indeed worth $70 by its own merits but since it was built from botw they still should’ve knocked it down to at least normal price#they should’ve run a deal where like it’s $70 for new people but if you have botw already it’s only like $50 at most or something#i’m rambling here but y’know#nonetheless. well worth the money to me. that was like the best experience of my life
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literally all i want is to go in for an autism diagnosis or something
#every like. test ive taken online is always like yeahhh probably? but not super strongly right#but i fundamentally am bad at filling in those kinda things bc idk what the threshold for answers like strongly agree agree etc is#and i dont always agree fully w one part of the question but i will strongly agree with half of it so like what then#and all the things abt social interactions like. i CAN meet people and i am good at it but thats bc ive LEARNED what makes ppl comfortable#its like putting on a little character. im still me im just acting more confident and extroverted bc that makes everyone happier. LEARNT IT#honestly tho like even if i went in and they like nah u just a bit weird. itd be good. bc then at least id know for sure yknow#i let go of this a while ago but i had a MASSIVE conversation w my sister yesterday abt all these fucking traits and things we've done our#whole lives some of them overlapping but just like. a lot of internal things. that we dont think are normal neurotypical behaviour. we got#v in depth abt it but most of that stuff isnt on the questionnaires obviously i guess lol. like idk if itd be autism or whay#but i stg its something and she swears on her life she thinks so too and wanted us diagnosed when we were younger but mum wouldnt hear it.#but at the same time like is it masking or am i actually just introverted and an actor. is me never looking ppl in the faces unless we're#alrdy friends which leads to completely not recognising ppl i should know neurodivergent or just me. is the way i remix words and say them#aloud to myself vocal stimming or just weird. my constant need to fidget w rings and hair? not that weird. my little routines while driving#like tapping my foot when we pass a driveway? who knows.#ID LIKE TO KNOWWWW i want some conclusive results lmao#jay rambles
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I wanna post about my recovery + ramble in tags at the same time but I'm not motivated enough to come up with a mediocre yandere post rn , so just know that my life is going?? Somewhat good in terms of romance
#mine#💿#i can only ramble in tags. posts feel too official im shy</3 i feel like tags are less likely to show up on search engines as well...#just forever paranoid about the blog being discovered you know how it goes. personal stuff (proceeds to post it online)#in the general scheme of things im doing alright. tho im currently obsessed with a game instead of a man so idk if that counts#feels like im just waiting for an important event to happen. like ill have a great life changing thing but rn im just in limbo. waiting!#i dont mind it because i take joy in the small things in my day to day life but i feel like i should be doing bigger things. doing more#hell. BEING more. theres lots of cookie cutter paths i could take but none of them fit the mould im making yk. its boring.#on one hand im proud of myself for being able to stay focused on my interests instead of wasting time on a guy who doesnt care abt me#like i still am doing that a Little Bit but its not as detrimental to my daily life as it used to be. like its fine now#on the topic of.. him. we dont really talk much but i feel theres sort of a weird air between us now and he could tell i was in the yanzone#im not too broken up about it because i repeatedly told myself this would happen n i knew it would but everythings okay as it is rn#i still do admire him but not as intensely. the moment he stops hinting at even the possibility he could be interested my attention drops#i want to be everything but at the same time i want to be nothing. i want to be god and the earth and the sun and death and disease.#im working up to being perfect but at the same time i know no such thing exists so meanwhile im just. working up. to SOMETHING#i want everyday of my life to be an adventure. at the same time im much too tired for that. guess thats why i stick with emotional trifles#im not in love with him or anything. its the same as everyone else. like various dials in a lab that i have to keep below 50#or else bad things will happen. like a scientist with anxiety. its like i be insane for a little while and the dial goes down#but any others could easily skyrocket because i find little things i adore about one person and latch onto them!!! like art#i feel im the most socially acptble level of yandere out of them all rn. in insanity specifically tho. in othr aspects im still weird#the power of autism is condemning me from learning proper social skills but by god i am TRYING my hardest n learning new things#i sit around waiting but atleast im building skills while doing it. part of what life is about i guess!#you come for the yandere content and then i just post philosophical rants. a tragedy most awful to those who can relate#but im okay with it as long as these strange lengthy rambles help me recover better!! no problem at all. one day i will be better#tl;dr i havent found love yet but im not miserable either. trying to improve myself through numerous mental quarrels n experience
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i love how much you talk in tags. i love reading your words and how you talk and what about. might sound strange but its true. i like your mouth words dawg.
Technically, they're finger words.
#gonna finish answering in the tags#im so glad someone cares ab all my ridiculous tag rambles#so thank uu <3#i remember i found the 30 tag limit almost immediately upon returning to tumblr and was like#oh shit i gotta turn down the verbosity? i thought this was the blogging site!#the only platform that encourages ppl to make comments in the tags but only if u show some restraint#mf ill show u restraint im gonna hit that 30 tag limit into next week#get outta here w that nonsense#anyway#its like i can talk somewhere between loud and clear speaking voice (text post) and whisper (read more)#tags is like the chill moment when ur hangin out w someone late at night just doing ur own thing and occasionally being like#'haha this post just said [x]' 'haha nice' and then back to comfortable silence#occasionally its the 'omGG HAHAHA CHECK THIS OUT' and it disturbs the peace which is fun#even if most of it is just me rambling to myself its like that same feeling to me#chill no filter late night thoughts at any hour#or maybe im biased bc im getting rly sleepy rn and thats the vibe im getting from this ramble#ok tone shift im getting a spicy hot take/ides and im just gonna put it here instead of bury it in the graveyard of my wips#tw puppet talk ahead#so you know that movie Teeth#wouldnt it be fucked up if the ssme concept applied to puppets intended to be manipulated with an arm inside them#you do something the puppet doesnt like and you get the nom#ok sry i was aiming for 30 tags im falling asleep rm gotta cutbit short#snknjmkjmmmmm#anonyymkud#annonynkus#anonymous#askdx#asked#puppets#mentions
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I'm starting to see ppl talk abt updating their artfight pages and at first I was like what why it's still months away and then it hit me that by months it was two months and now I'm just silently sweating as my anual side project to remake the eternal gales refs and give them all icons comes back to haunt me
#rat rambles#oc posting#well I mean the good news is that all the staliens are already done and Ive already started on the human kids#the bad news is that theres still 5 more refs for me to remake and 9 icons if I decide to commit to that#the only one Ill probably force myself to do is sprinkles since shes the only stalien that doesnt have one and I dont want to leave her out#the human kids might just not get them tho especially since theres other characters Id like to make refs and icons for too#not as many newbies to the field this year which is a good thing since I do not have a lot of space left for new characters lol#Im probably going to take it easy this year in terms of my goals for artfight since last year I crashed and burned Hard#hopefully Ill have the time and motivation to draw a decent amount but if I dont Ill try not to be too broken up about it#especially since Ill probably burn myself out a bit doing the last minute ref rush lol#its not necessary especially since all the guys who needed the new refs most got theirs but Id like for them to be on the same page#I also went ahead and cleaned up my page a lil bit to make my life easier in the future#I should probably update bios and stuff but I dont feel like it Im too tired#tomorrow Im definitely going to need to clean some more as I have been for nearly every day#I mean guess thats why Im here in part#last week of pet sitting tho so soon Ill be back home again#Im not sure if Im excited or dreading it cause while I miss my family I also have been rly enjoying a house to myself#like its not necessary easy to do all the chores and stuff but it's a lot easier to do said chores when Im alone#and Ive actually been waking up at reasonable times too like not having my mom floating around is doing wonders#its almost making me rethink my insistence that I couldnt live alone but I definitely think itd get to me in the long term I need people#I just wish there was a better middleground since having people constantly in the house stresses me out so bad#it leads to me hiding out all day in my room and that's just not good for me#but its not like I could live by myself even if I wanted to#at this rate I dont think Ill ever move out but lets not think abt how much worse that could be for me thats future me's problem
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woke up took my usual 1mg of a xan n an edible im just goin 4 it 2day
#not it that some of u may think lmao but im just getting high af fuck consequences lol i do have to b able to kayak tho bc its pretty enough#to do that but i can totally do that high just prolly no videos of it this time but i got kinda good at it at the end n could slowly paddle#n film at the same time also they r drier than i thought tbh still too close to the water to make me fully comfortable like canoes r bad but#safer bc like theres a barrier between me n the water but on a kayak its like the barrier isnt there n the things in the water r so close#which ik theyre rly not usually minus tiny fish n if im being stupid n get near snake spots or a snake in general but some alligator gar n#paddle fish get so close to the shore n theyre both harmless but way too big that jusy thinking about them im startingnto get anxious n feel#sick lmaooo so uh yk anyway i have a weird fear of fish that seems to only get worse i think its from watching jaws as a toddler i hav no#no memory of that but hav been told i wouldnt get in the bath by myself for a while after soooo#either that or im just straight up scared of fish like over 9 inches n thats pushing it okay fish should not b big idk#dont even start on the ocean also ive lived in louisiana most of my life so also i have that *oh fuck alligator* in me any time i see a log#so like theres also that... n i think seeing alligators in louisiana a few weeks ago b4 coming here uh got me a lil more on edge#i rambled oops#batbaby rambles#but like fr lmao
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ohhhhh my god girl i don't careeeee
#love my roommate but urghhhh. sorry they dont make enough fictional female characters that interest u but u dont need to justify it to me#write your mlm its literally fine. sorry but ur not gonna gain my respect or approval by defending why u write more mlm than wlw#i dont care if u have equal amounts of each or not LOL we just have different tastes thats all there is to it#and I KNOOOOOOWWWW she writes femslash too im not denying that !!!!!!#most of my fav media is lesbian centric bc I have a strong connection to my identity as a dyke. so i gravitate towards things that explore-#that + complex relationships to gender + its social enforcement etcetc. and its easier for me to get attached to characters that i can-#connect with bc we have shared experiences or the world percieves us in similar ways or we percieve the world in similar ways etc#and shes said she DOESNT feel particularly attached to her sexuality in that way. so ofc shes not going to be looking for the same things-#in media and thats OKAY!!#literally have nothing against her writing gay men i like some fictional mlm relationships myself!! and its cool that she enjoys it#i just find it disappointing that we dont have much in common taste-wise bc thatd be more fun to talk abt#but thats why i come on tumblr dot com.. to talk abt fictional women w dykes who understand them like i do amen#and im happy to listen to her talk abt things she likes and projects shes clearly enjoying working on like thats awesome love to hear it#but sometimes its like shes trying to persuade me abt smth but theres nothing to persuade. i dont knooooow#like ik shes not trying to get me into her interests she already has plenty of friends who are. but theres no approval to win from me???#i think im just annoyed bc i feel like i cant rly talk abt the things im into w her bc she disliked them so much#and also annoying to be around someone who shares an identity w me but is clearly more uncomfortable w it than i am#maybe thats not even true actually the real reason im annoyed is bc ive had a long and exhausting week and im coming down from-#my first day on new meds and im soooo so so tired have i sajd that already. and my head hurts#and i want a fucking hug and im just projecting my lack of physical and emotional intimacy onto her bc she happens to be the person i-#spend the most time with. but thats really unfair of me its not her fault or obligation at all. ah i just want to shower and sleeeepp#and tomorrow day 2 of meds im gonna get so much shit done!!!!!!!! i hope.. i wanna finish drafting my comic too teehee#wouldnt it be so crazy if now im medicated i might actually be able to start and finish projects i reallyyyy want to do..#well i wont get my hopes up yet#anyway........#another day another 5 million tag rambling post complaining abt everything. and dont expect me to ever stop 😚#.diaries#literally why would i care abt the tastes of a girl whose fave character in tlt was naberius........#she rly had to pick one of the ONLY men and not even one of the particularly interesting ones. and shes not even straight???? her loss 🙄
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#sometimes my mind wanders & i find myself indulging in the thought of us reconnecting someday#im never doing it on purpose. its like i walk in on myself wondering like that & it startles me every time. maybe its just me.#maybe you never have that thought. maybe its just me who after everything is still struggling to move on. maybe im just silly for thinking#i find myself sometimes hoping that you think the same from time-to-time#i guess its a comfort in a way. to sit around & fantasize that people that once had such strong grips on you often truly miss you#comfort. indulgence. escape. either way what hell & what bliss#i just...... really cant get you out of my head lately. even as i spend time on others. you are still somehow in most of my daily thoughts#at times i'd swear i'd been cursed to think of you always & forever.....other times i almost forget about you completely#but alas you always come back#idk. im done rambling. no use dwelling on the past#right...old friend#sad boi hours#emma vents#emma rambles#music tag#personal tag#journal entry#personal journal#Spotify
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once ir reached 3am im gna plsay ml
#everybody is half asleep every time i play matches on ml at that time and its fuking hilaruosu#even me too cuz the enemy cld be right in front of me and ill miss all of my skills like What (rlyl happened and i was embarrassed cuz that#was quite litrly a free kill)#uehm ill try playing tank ig (very Ew unless its esme my queen<3)#i have tigreals special skin but ugghugurhg i wanna play pretty girls!!!!#only dude im allowing myself to play is nolan n cyclops and THATS IT#my nolan skills have degraded terribly tho i used to be so good at him when he first realessed#but he started getting banned every match and overtime i just forgot how to use him</3#+ i prefer to play more sustain junglers now like esme cuz id rather last long in a clash than die w just 1 wrong move#thats why im esme's Biggest Fangirl Ever (real)<3333#but i fucking hate playig as the jungler so thats that ig#I MISS MY MARKSMAN ROOTS but at the same time playing mid is saur fun#i need to sharpen up my luo yi skills cuz i wan buy oracle of sol skin w the promo dias#actually idk how promo dias work#like can u buy any skin or will there be like options to choose from idk#but either way i want to buy oracle of sol soooo bad just bc it looks so pretty#halloween lylia is alr but..... oracle of sol fx...... :(#oh help im looking thru my heores rn and i literally forgot that i have novaria#why did i even buy her bro im so shit at aiming my skills (see: first few tags)#same way i want to play selena but i know that aiming my skills i sjust . not it for me HWKJFGH#ermmemrm for marksman i doubt ill be going back to being a mm main any time soon#and if i hav to play mm in a match ill pick ixia anyway butttt i rlly rlly wanna learn how to play karrie#cuz the pro karrie players i get matched w are literally so scary liek i Cannot farm properly . they alwys zone me out!!!!#and its scary cuz once i get out of my tower she'll fucking punish me for that and i die !!!#one day one day#oooh also beatrix i wanna learn but just looking at her plethora of guns has my eyes confused#so sadge but uhhh i also rlly kinda wanna play melissa but it just seems that shes rlly rlly squishy#like she just has that kill them before they kill u kind of strat and most of the time it works but#i literally get like 20 heart attacks when i see my hp drop below 50% and i usually fumble my skills after that hhaaha#uhm anwyay i think i rambled elong enough her
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i feel better again 🫶🏼
#🌙.rambles#fiction ilyvm#that too n#the little things!#my friend's listening to the collab playlist we made hehe#me them n apollo#i'm.. a bit embarrassed i added most of the songs#out of 800 smth i added more than half oops#looking in the mirror n i like how i look rn#i'm very confused bcs even though. yh it. it still hurts it's persistent n constant but#nothing changes really when i distract myself but i do feel better for a while#on that though it is very inconsistent n it just. confuses me#when i remember happy memories n sometimes think of how i'll never have it again#maybe. maybe i cld make more memories but sometimes i don't think things cld ever be the same anymore#wait my curiosity fr tho 🥹 i wonder who's the 3rd person that liked the playlist i just mentioned#i. i really just. curiosity. my curiosity is endless n insatiable n sometimes maybe i get too caught of in the idea of it that sometimes it#loses its meaning for me? all things in moderation else they lose their meaning. i tell myself that often#i'm rambling wait#I SAID I'LL RAMBLE ON MY SPAM ACCOUNT :<#i don't want to spam too much here but maybe from time to time#& then comfort in fiction#yeah..#i have so much thoughts oh dear#i promise i'm trying my best to be better. i know what i'm doing wrong but it's just been really hard for the past few months#it's been really hard.. i haven't really felt like myself for more than like two days at a time#but earlier this year i remember being happy. consistently happier than i am right now & while it is hard i do want that for myself again#i'll thrive again. i must.#my worlds r lonely but surely i'll remember n hold on to what's important to me#hope means so much to me. i'm full of it. so to drown in despair is me destroying myself n who i am
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