#and tomorrow day 2 of meds im gonna get so much shit done!!!!!!!! i hope.. i wanna finish drafting my comic too teehee

[phagodyke]

ohhhhh my god girl i don't careeeee

[aconstantstateofbladerunner]

im not good at sending asks! but you asked for them snd i know you asked for somethin specifically but i already forgot and im not gonna bother looking so im juts jusy just gonna ramble a lil bit. tiny bit cuz im tired but i cant sleep, i seriously sat, well laid, down and tried to go to bed early like my therapist wants me to but nope! my body refuses, which especially sucks becoming i have to hella catch up on schoolwork tomorrow.. and the next day, and sunday. it is pretty sucky :/ hopefully it wont be as much of a problem once im caught up! once im done with all that shit im gonna reward myself with the hades game everyone's talking about. it looks good?? i know nothing about it lol. i had to look up the battle style cuz i didn't even know if i would be able to play properly. are you one of the people im following who posts it?? i think there are 2 or 3 or 4 that occasionally just post it. i donno who it is. i knew i followrd you for bnha though. hm, that's a shitshow right now right? not writing wise just emotionally?? im still reading one of your fics, i like it too much to not. you are very good at writing! oh im rambling too much, im sorry that this isn't whst you wanted at all for an ask! i hope your meds kick in, that was what this is about righth? or did i forget?

Yeah no this ask is how i feel at the moment.  Hop you manage to get some sleep

[malafight]

Long-Ass Life Update (I’m not dead!)

Finally a life update now that I’m back home. It’s been a painful and tiring couple of weeks :’) And actually some of the days/times might be off because I was like super fucking out of it for most of that time period.

Anyhow, I went to the ER on Friday the 1st after 3 days of severe stomach pain, and the local hospital is like notoriously shitty but I was in horrible pain ok

They actually took me seriously for once, took me back immediately, ekg, ultrasound, blood and piss tests, and told me from the start not to eat or drink anything.

They told me they found gallstones and one or more might be stuck in the bile duct, but they made it sound like it wasnt inflamed and there werent many, so I wasnt super worried? They sent me for an MRI and then told me that they didnt have the capability to get out any stones, so they sent my ass an hour away via ambulance to a much better hospital so they could do the probe thing they needed to. It took until Saturday night to get a room there, though, and they didnt know when I’d get there and since they figured theyd want to do the probe ASAP, I was kept completely without eating or drinking for all of Friday night and Saturday, after not eating more than a few bites of muffin on Friday and next to nothing Thursday either because Everything Hurt.

Also, Fentanyl is fucking magic. Thats the only thing that even vaguely touched the pain.

So anyhow, I get to the other hospital at fuck o’clock at night and God Damn Staved because, like I said, bitches gave me No Fucking Food for an entire day (I’m not kidding that hospital is horrible and has a horrible reputation for ending up with killing people or making situations worse but the next nearest hospitals are an hour away in different directions and I don’t often have anyone willing to drive me that far and I often don’t feel up to driving myself that far if I’m already at “need to go to the ER, fuck the money I don’t have” point, and Saer has only just gotten into the USA and the last time they came with me to the ER they ended up with a virus for like three weeks and I wasn’t gonna do that to them again!!) and finally when I got to that hospital they were like “yeah we won’t be able to do the probe until Monday so eat something and then tomorrow you’re on a liquid diet and then nothing by mouth after midnight” so they scrounged me up some chicken broth and orange juice at like ten o’clock at night and gave me Those Good Good Meds and I slept in a decent hospital bed instead of on a fucking ER bed like Friday night (since they were transferring me at the local hospital they didn’t admit me and I slept in the ER. yeah. i hurt too badly to sleep on my side even with pain meds, and I slept on an ER bed. I had to sleep all day Saturday on and off just to get vaguely rested, but honestly? this whole ordeal has been an adventure in sleep deprivation despite heavy sedatives)

Monday rolls around and they take me for the ERCP (iirc thats what it was) where they put a thing down my throat and cut the bile duct wider so the stone could pass, get that bitch cleared up, all is well. I was heavily sedated and remember none of it, just waking up with different pain in my stomach and the world’s worst sore throat.

I was on a liquid diet from that and until the extraction on Wednesday. I have drank my weight in broth and orange juice.

Wednesday they take me in to remove my gallbladder. It was supposed to be a simple laparoscopic procedure, nip it out, pull it, I go home in a couple days with a couple small cuts on my belly. My dad (and several other people) reassured me that it was routine and quick, and is an easy procedure that should take 2 hours at most. I told him, “Listen, with me, literally nothing is ever easy and you know that”

Fast forward to me waking up and my first thought is “is that a catheter? guess it didnt go so easy after all.” I’m pretty sure the first words I said as I woke up were “told you it wouldnt be easy” lmao

Remember how hospital #1 told me that my gallbladder wasn’t inflamed and there were only a couple gallstones?

It was chock goddamn full of gallstones and so inflamed that when they tried to get it out laparoscopically, it tore. He spent an hour trying to get it out that way safely before realizing that his only recourse is to cut me open and get it out that way. The procedure took closer to 5 hours.

I have at least 20 staples in my belly now and I hope I get a cool fuckin scar but shit hurts still. I was in the hospital slowly ramping up to eating solid food again until Friday when I was allowed to go home to Saer. I can’t lift anything more than 20 pounds for another like month, and my range of motion is a fraction of what it was before. I’m so easily exhausted now and i can barely do anything and it’s really fucking pathetic??? and every time I bring that up Saer is like “they TOOK your ORGAN” so

(its really sad that i’m so conditioned that If I’m Not Doing Everything I Can All The Time Then I’m Not Trying Hard Enough that even after having full surgery to remove an organ I’m like NO I CAN DO THE THING and then end up hurting myself s-sobs)

(we watched the episode of b99 today where gina comes back after getting hit by a bus and when she tried to dance while still in the halo saer pointed at her and was like “it u” and i was like “exCUSE” but like, tru)

anyhow, im home, and i have my wife with me, and saer is such a blessing right now because i cannot do SHIT and they need to help me off the couch sometimes if my dumb ass gets in a position with no leverage, and also ive already fallen off the couch like twice because i was like NO I GOT IT and saer was across the room like BEB NO U DONT and yeah im stubborn and stupid ok saer is saving me from myself for the most part

also also the app i drive for is shutting down in my city at the start of december hhhhh so now i also have to fuckin... find a job like this and uGH do not WANT ffff

but yeah thats something even my parents have okayed me holding off on until I’m better so if even my fuckin parents are like “pls chill???” yall know im fucked up

however i’m mostly weaned off opiod pain meds now and am only using them at night when it’s worse and hard to sleep, tylenol tends to take care of it well enough now. my range of motion is improving, too, but i am just still so easily tired that its frustrating. we went grocery shopping yesterday and even in the little motor scooter i was completely worn out by the end of it.

but im alive! all is well! i will continue improving! sorry for being so quiet during this but like I said, i’ve been some level of sedated for most of this event. not fully sedated except for the two procedures, but fentanyl and dilautin (ok i have no idea what it actually is and google isnt helping but i had a button for it) and then morphine and hydrocodone on top of not getting restful sleep At All due to pain, discomfort, and people coming in every hour for vitals checks... I was fuckin Gone i got fuckall done rip

however once my pain-induced blood pressure spike was lowered (i saw them take it at the ER and it was fuckin RED) everyone was like “...you have really good blood pressure??” like i’m pretty sure i have low blood pressure naturally and my size/genetics gives me high blood pressure and they kinda cancel each other out, but yeah. pretty cool.

my family kept swinging between “IF YOURE IN THAT MUCH PAIN FOR 24 HOURS YOU GO TO THE ER. YOU DO NOT WAIT THREE DAYS.” and “...jesus christ you have a high pain tolerance”

//throws the horns thats what chronic pain does to ya baybee

my mom especially was impressed because she was just like “you’re so calm talking to them about how much it hurts how are you doing that” and im just like “its literally wasted energy to freak out and i hurt too badly to move so im just gonna sit here and tell them im a ten and hope they take pity on me because i have no other options”

anyhow fun new experience and im pretty sure ive broken my brother’s hospitalization record and also pretty sure i’ve got enough medical debt on me now that i can literally file for bankruptcy so

also i can feel a void near my ribs and it is so bizarre yall fuckin organs need to close the gap asap bc this shit weird as hell

[pbandjesse]

Jesus christ my back hurts. But I am in my own bed in our new apartment!! Its slightly unpacked and going towards organized.

My back actually hurts so bad that I can't lay down but I also can't stand up anymore and sitting doesn't work everything is on fire it hurts so much. Im shaking it hurta so bad actually. I just took some meds and I have an ice pack. But i am really really uncomfortable.

I really hope i can sleep easily. Today was a lot. But it was really good too. I slept alright enough. Woke up. Got dressed. Helped pack a couple more things before I left for work.

I got thr big breakfast with hotcakes from mcdonalds. So I could also have it for lunch. And that worked out really well because there was no way for me to leave to get food today because it was hella hella busy.

And just everything was a shit show in the morning. The phones weren't working, the internet was down. A whole bunch of stuff was going wrong, it was a mess. I was at the front desk helping and Kaitlyn askes ne to throw her the keys to the building and I fucked that up and ended up hitting sime candles which exploded. So I bought those and a pin. At least they were on sale and i get a staff discount already.

The rest of the day still felt dragging and messy. But I had a nice time talking to the group that came from the Smithsonian and the walk to end brain surgery group was nice. I only gave one real tour but it was a lot of fun so I cant complain to much.

But my shoes were hurting me. And knowing James and his friends were moving all of our stuff was a bit stressful. So my belly hurt. I had a lot of fun talking to Kaitlyn though and that helped ease the day.

Jess was moving today too and was having problems. First she's doing it all alone. And i feel really bad about that, but shes strong. And shes hiring people. But then she gets to the rental place to get the keys and no one was there. They showed up over a half hour late. Then when she gets there its really dirty and shes overwhelmed so she hires cleaning people to come. She at least got to make a floor plan drawing and explore the neighborhood. She has her mom there now. So I truly hope tomorrow goes better for her.

At 330 James came to get me and my bike. We didnt have a lot of time. But him and the guys had moved everything in to the new place that they could fit in the truck. And we had an hour to get a New Couch.

This whole couch nonsense has been really stressful but we got to the restore and there was a large purple sofa with fluffy pillows and good structure. And it seems basically new. For $100. Perfect, sold!!

We went to the studio. Got a couple more things. Theres still some stuff. Odds and ends mostly. But we got most of the food and the bookcase. And decided to head out even though it seemed like the Amazon package i ordered would be there soon. (Surprise it claimed it was delivered moments after we left and when james were back for it it was gone. Unsure if stolen because the driver claimed he left it in a mailroom we do not have. They said i have to wait until Monday to see if it shows up for a refund so i can replace it.)

Poor sweetp was crying and very dramatic trying to push out of his carrier. But we got him to the new place. Which was a bit overwhelming. I showed sweetp around. And then James brought all the stuff up. I helped with the book case but then there was the couch.

The only problem was its solid. And heavy. And large. But I did my very very best and got it inside. At first my body was like "nope!!!" And I wasn't sure I would be able to do it. But me and James are a good team and No one was permanetly injured. Just squished a little.

James left to return the truck. But he was back within the hour. While he was gone I fixed the bed. Dad must have accidentally put the bracket on upside down that holds the bar to hold the bed up. But i was able to fix it once i figured out the issue. And once the bed was made i started sorting.

I moved boxes all over. To their appropriate room or space. I attacked it best I could. And then James was back.

He worked on the kitchen. I would go between the bedroom and the living room. I decided to switch the rugs because I didnt want a purple couch and an orange rug. Way to Baltimore. So the living room is darker and I am very happy.

I worked in the bedroom and putting as much away as I could. Im really excited.

We worked for hours but the space is half livable now. We had pizza in the living room. I worked on fixing up the bathroom. Put up the shower curtain. I was able to pry open the painted shut medicine cabinet. Im very proud of that. And we got so much done. I really truely refuse to live out of boxes. So this will be done as fast as i can manage. And i have the next 2 days off to work on just that.

We both got washed. I took a bath. Its a really nice tub and I love being able to look at the old tile. I am really excited to be living here. Despite weird old building probelms its just so great.

The aspirin i took is starting to help. Im still hurting but its not as intense. I am so ready to sleep.

Were gonna watch monster factory and rest. James has work but the store opens a bit later so we don't have to rush the morning. And then ill just work on getting stuff together. Ill probably try to get some things at the hardware store. It'll be a really nice day.

Sleep well everyone. Send us your good vibes tonight!!

[scarlette-joel-writing]

Erased Pt. 4

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Requested by: Me. 

Warnings: Yall already know. 

A/N I think im just gonna give up with telling you how long this thing is gonna be. It will be done when I think its ready to be done LOL 

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5  Part 6  Part 7 Part 8  Part 9 Part 10  Part 11  Part 12 Part 13

~

The mind is a complex and vast place.

Filled to the brim with all of the conscious and subconscious things that you remember or know. Every fact that you have ever learned, every word that you have ever spoken, every memory that you have ever had is stored within your head. Memories that you don’t believe you have or believe that you might have forgotten are there as well. Every single moment of a person’s life Is stored within their mind.

It is just a matter of retrieving the information that you want. It’s a matter of sifting through the data to find what you need.

Let’s see if I can put it into simpler terms. The mind is like a huge, never-ending warehouse that is filled to the brim with rows upon rows of filing cabinets. And in these filing cabinets is every action you have ever done. Every word that you have ever spoken. Every date you have been on and every test that you have ever taken. All of these memories and moments of your life are stored in your head.

And all of your conscious knowledge. All of the facts that you know and the words that you can speak. All of the memories that you can recall. Those are all located in the 10% of the brain that humans can actually use. Everything you know is located in 10%. Just imagine what things are hiding in the other 90% in your subconscious.

And there is no organization to these memories. Every person is different and that means that every person’s mind is different. In some places it is well lit and clean and stable. And in other cases there are no lights and there are spiders and cobwebs everywhere. Some might have their brain organized chronologically or by the importance of the memory. Other might have the happy memories first or vice versa.

And in my case at the moment, my mind is black. Everything is black and I cant see or hear or feel anything. But I am acutely aware that I am still in my own head. I am aware that I am thinking but there is nothing to think of.

Where my brain differs from other peoples is in the fact that I can use all 100% of my brain. Kind of like that movie that came out a while ago with the woman who looked a lot like Natasha Romanoff, but not exactly. I don’t see strings of numbers like her. But because I can use all of my brain, I know everything that has ever happened in my life. Every word I have ever read. Every answer to every test that I have ever taken. I can remember names of thousands upon thousands of people, and I can see not only my memories but the memories that I have taken from other people.

Like right now. If I was a normal person and I had passed out, I would be dreaming. Or everything would just be black and I wouldn’t even know that I was passed out, but because I am who I am, I can still sense the outside world and I can still sense that I am somewhere different from where I usually am. Usually I like the quiet and the peace, but not when I cant control it. Not when I cant turn it off and go back to reality.

When I am not in control, things start to get a little shaky.

I close my mind’s eye for a second before I allow myself to “sit down” on the floor of my dark mind and cross my legs. If I cant help the situation that I am in. If I cant fight my way out of it, then I might as well take this moment to do a bit of meditating. Try to find some good out of all of the shit that has happened.

I am sitting there for almost 2 days, TWO FREAKING DAYS, when I can feel my outside body begin to stir. See, sometimes there isn’t really a connection between my body and my brain. I have a really strong mind that I can do a lot with but I have a really weak body that really doesn’t want to follow any rules that I give it. My brain gets hurt? It bounces straight back. My body takes a beating from a genetically enhanced super soldier that was trying to kill me? Suddenly it doesn’t want to function correctly. I don’t get it.

“Fuck,” is the first thing out of my mouth as I open my eyes to the bright eyes overhead. I can feel the pain radiating throughout my body and the way that my muscles twitch every few seconds from the complete and utter beating that they took almost 46 hours ago. I don’t even attempt to move. I just stay where I am and hope that it all goes away

“Y/N” someone says and when I open my eyes again and look down, I can just see that everyone in the complex is staring at me. Looking at me like I am a lost puppy. Cap, Sam, and Vision are on one side of me, Tony and Clint in front of me and Natasha, Wanda, and Bruce on the other side of me. I am down in Med bay, laying in a bed and it makes me wanna laugh. Looks like the roles have reversed.

“Hello,” I say as I take a deep breath, immediately regretting that decision because my lungs feel like a dagger went through them.

“Thought we had lost you there for a second. You have been out almost 2 days,” Sam says to me as he hands me a cup of water. Natasha pushes a button on the side of the bed to put me in a sitting position, an action that does nothing but cause me to writhe in pain, and then I take a sip of water. It feels like a glacier running down my throat and I love it.

“Oh trust me, I know exactly how long I was out,” I take another look around the room and I see that I completely skipped over the fact that someone isn’t present at my little “youre alive” party. “Where is Barnes? Still recovering from the beating I gave him?” I laugh. But I seem to be the only one. Suddenly no one will look at me. Suddenly the floor has become the most interesting thing in the world. “Guys. Where is Bucky?”

“He hasn’t left his room since you passed out, Y/N,” Cap says and I just give him a look that tells him that I am utterly confused.

“Yes, the boy seems to think that locking himself in a room and refusing meals is going to make you better,” comes Tony’s response. “Oh, and next time you decide you want to bleed all over a carpet, can you make sure that it is not my very expensive carpet? Thank you,” Tony takes a step forward, puts his hand on my leg and then gives me a wink. “But I am glad that you are okay,” and then he is gone.

Ah Tony. Always the closeted sap.

“Someone help me up. I need to go talk to bucky,” I am pulling out IV’s and tubes, trying to move the blankets.

“You are not going anywhere Y/N,” Cap says as he comes over and puts a hand on my shoulder. “You just woke up from a two day coma. Bucky can wait a bit,”

“I wasn’t asking, Captain,” I say as I shake his arm off of me.

“And neither was I. It was an order,”

“Then I guess it is a good thing that I am not really a part of your team, now isn’t it?” And with that, I pull myself up off the bed and take a few shaky steps to the elevator. My body doesn’t want to cooperate with me but I have to tell Bucky that this isn’t his fault. I hit the button and the elevator opens and then closes behind me a few seconds later. “Floor 27,” I say as we descend.

Walking is hard. And walking with bruises and cuts all over your body after not having moved for two days is even harder. I can feel the way that my shoulders sag and I hate it. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling like I cant do anything. Even though my brain is running at top speed right now.

I get off the elevator and into the living room of Bucky’s apartment. It is clean and nice and empty. I make my way to his bedroom door, which I know is his because every floor has the same layout, and I knock.

“Go away, Steve. I am not in the mood,” I can hear his voice come from the other side and it sends a shiver down my spine. So small. So weak. So broken. All of those feelings and emotions flood through me as I stand there on the other side of the door. I have never heard him like that before. Never heard him sound so distraught. Could that really be because of me?

I knock again.

“Go away, Steve.” He doesn’t yell and he doesn’t seem angry. He just seems sad. So much sadness.

“Well, I am not Steve,” I say and then I can hear the flying of feet and the unlocking of the door before I am brought face to face with James Buchanan Barnes himself. Staring down at me with wide eyes. “And I am not going away. I am pretty hard to get rid of,”

“Oh my god, Y/N,” he whispers and then he wraps his flesh arm around my waist and pulls me to his chest. It knocks the wind out of me a bit but I let my shock overtake the pain at the fact that I am stood here, hugging Bucky Barnes. I can feel Bucky’s head nestle into the crook of my neck and it makes my heart begin to beat faster. “Oh my god, I am so sorry. I am so so so sorry. I cant believe that I did that to you. I cant believe that you almost died because of me. I am so sorry,” he keeps repeating over and over again. I just wrap my arms around his neck and rub small circles on his back.

“It isn’t your fault, Bucky. Im not mad at you, and I didnt come up here to get mad at you. I came to make sure that you were alright. The guys tell me that you haven’t been eating,” I pull him back from the hug to see the dark dark circles under his eyes. “And apparently you haven’t been sleeping well either,” he scoffs.

“How could I sleep knowing that you might not have woken up from me beating you?!” I just grab his hand and pull him back into the bedroom. Over to the bed. And then I make him sit. I go around to the other side of the bed and sit as well because my everything hurts and I am tired. “I did this to you,”

“No. Hydra did this to me. And tomorrow we will talk about a more permanent solution to the problem of you going all super soldier on us. But for tonight, I would really like to sleep,” I pat the bed next to me, and he hesitantly lays down. He keeps his distance, not that I mind too much because I don’t think that I am fully recovered from that hug earlier, but I look over at him and smile. “Ill make the memories go away,” I whisper to him with a soft smile and he looks at me with wide eyes.

“No, Y/N-“ he begins.

“I will make them go away for tonight. Just for tonight. No nightmares. No dreams. No any of that. Just a well-deserved rest that both of us need. Okay?” I look back at him with raised eyes and he nods his head and lays back against the pillow.

“Alright,” he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and I do the same. I let my mind open to allow his thoughts in and he can seem to sense my presence because all thoughts go quiet. Not that I mind too much. I just myself drift off to sleep where there is nothing but blackness.

And the warmth of a body less than 2 feet away from me.

Taglist: 

@jacks-on-krack @tbetz0341 @haleypearce @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @zestygingergirl

[preternatural-aura]

just a personal rant bout my thyroid issues and some other stuff, its really long tho..

well, the tests they ran to check for antibodies for grave’s disease and hashimotos came back in the normal range (a couple were on the cusp), I tried taking my adhd medication again (i had to stop because it exacerbated symptoms to the point of making me sick) and it started out awful, I took a xanax (plus the beta blockers ive been taking to manage symptoms) and im feeling better (normally around 2pm id be feeling the worst), so ill try taking it again tomorrow (and maybe take a xanax), the endocrinologist will probably want to recheck my t4 and tsh, i have been feeling like something might be pressing on my throat so they might do another ultrasound, of course my endocrinologist appointment isnt for another 2 and half weeks, ill keep taking my adhd meds through until finals are done (so a week) and if it still makes me feel awful then ill stop them, if the side effects are lessening, then ill keep taking them, the side effects go away after like a week normally, i cant afford to lose anymore weight so im gonna be checking that, its hard to say how much weight ive lost because i havent been checking it lately, and at the doctor they always weigh me with my clothes and shoes on plus the stuff in my pockets, i weighed 115lbs this morning, ill check again in the evening after i eat, which would be when i weigh the most, or right now, but i dont want to take my shoes and jeans off, oh i also used to wear a binder to the doctor and i dont do that anymore obviously and binders are kinda heavy, there is a chance this whole thyroid thing is going away, they said that was a possibility, but im afraid that tests will come back normal while i still have symptoms, i hope this isnt some weird and rare disease, but my mom wouldnt let it go untreated if it is, we would just try to find a specialist or something, first, of course, the endocrinologist will probs recheck my t4 and tsh and maybe the ab tests and do another ultra sound, and if all that stuff is still inconclusive well do that radioactive iodine imaging test

and ive got an appoitment with that physicians assistant about my asthma and to remove my mole, and the thing about my asthma is that i need to excersize, but i have a hard time doing that because executive dysfunctioning and time and also i have excersize induced asthma and i cant really use rescue inhalers because they make me feel fucking awful, i carry it around but i never use it unless i absolutely have to, like if i didnt i would have to go to the hospital, and i hadnt used one for years, so unless i cant breathe and/or im wheezing uncontrollably then i wont use it, i hate these heart palpitations, my heart rate isnt 120 or higher anymore, even when i was having palpitations earlier, my mom said my heart rate was around 85, which is super nice, the stimulant did make my hands get really cold, because i already have poor circulation to my hands and feet, but see stimulants are vaso-constrictors, meaning they constrict blood veins, which makes my already poor circulation even worse, on the bright side, i got around 8 hours of sleep the past two nights, which is super awesome because ive chronically been getting around 6-7 hours, and i really need 9-10 hours, so while it hasnt been this horrible insomnia, it has been chronically getting not quite enough sleep which just leaves me tired all day everyday, and i try not to compare myself to other people, but its hard in college when everyone talks about how they pull all nighters and shit, because ive had insomnia where i get fewer than 3 or 4 hours of sleep because i CANT sleep and it feels awful, i run on adrenaline the next day but it ends up just being so bad, so im trying to remember that only getting 6-7 hours is still bad, especially because im an adolescent and need lots of sleep and cant afford to lose a bunch of sleep

[sweetnestor]

crankgameplays livestream 4/25/17

(((lmao im 2 days late i was at the movies when he did this)))(((also should i do this for every stream he does??)))

Hes eating popcorn ‘even though its greasy and i broke out!!!’

Forgot to take acne meds for like a week and he broke tf out :(

Still cant record in his new place which is why he decided to stream

Fave dog breed is portuguese water dogs bc those are his doggos back home :’)

Hes excited for tour and hopes ppl will go :D

It was fun making the tour announcement video, but he realized how out of shape he was afterwards

He should be going to vidcon, and while he said that he bit down on a kernel and it really hurt :(((

Doesnt rly care what ppl think abt his acne, he just really wants to get rid of it

Says good luck to everyone going thru finals!!!! Also says to make sure to give urself a break and not to burn urself out!!!! Drink water!!! Eat food!!!!

Moving from maine to california was really scary for him bc he never lived anywhere else before and he went from a small town to a big city

Mainly says to be smart abt spending and things bc ‘when u dont live with ur parents anymore things get fuckin expensive!’

Someone was making him a friendship ring for when they meet him, and they asked for his ring size, which he doesnt even know :p

Secret to adulting: no one knows what theyre doing

Eats mac n cheese with a fork apparently, spoons are for ice cream

Was originally just gonna keep the blue hair after dyeing it once, but he ended up really really liking it so he kept it

What was your dream job in high school, ethan? “this right here!! Youtube!!” :’)

Never finished the last guardian bc there were technical difficulties every time he recorded, so he’ll probably stream it at one point

Is it hard being a youtuber? ‘Yes and no. its not like labour work but it is hard work’

Puts 16-18hrs youtube work when hes not doing video stuff with mark :o

PLENTY OF PPL HAVE ASKED HIM TO THEIR PROM :’)

Recommended several places to eat in la (didnt catch the names fUCK)

Do i have to donate for him to answer my question?? ‘No no not at all!!’ HOLY SHIT HE ANSWERED ‘yeah cos im just reading the chat!!!!’

*continues being flustered over ppl donating*

*chokes on a kernel mid sentence*

Fave part of youtube is meeting ppl in the community and talking to all of us :’’’)

How do u deal with ur peanut allergy? He has to read ingredients and ask at restaurants if they us peanuts or peanut oil in the kitchen,and if they do then he wont order there :/

He enjoyed 13rw but there were things he didnt like, like the dialogue

‘Aahh im not that cool im kinda dumb’ -after ppl say how much they like him and his videos (shut the heck up ethan ur cool shhh)

Has decent eyebrow shape, never has done anything to them

Surprised he hasnt recorded with tyler, amy, kathryn for his channel

Doesnt have anxiety, but really feels for people who suffer from it daily and hopes theyre doing okay (thank u lil bean)

Might not get a po box bc itll probably get out of hand

Wants to record VR stuff so bad but he aint got space at the moment :(

Doesnt think he’ll make a public video of him singing

hES GOT AN UNLISTED VIDEO THO WHAT (someone link me pls)

Ppl frequently ask if he would ever record with a smaller youtuber and he says as much as he’d want to help them out, he wouldn’t do it just so they can benefit off it, he’d want to do it bc they’re friends or something

He’s not much of a reader due to his attention span, he’ll be reading and then starting thinking about something else and then 5 pages later he realizes he hasn’t read anything at all :/

He doesnt like when ppl touch his hair :(

Or his butt :(((((

Someone grabbed him at pax and it was p aggressive :/

Be gentle with the boy ok :((((((((((

Doesnt know if he wants kids, like he’s only 20 so he don’t know

Can i call u daddy? ‘I’d like it if you didnt!’

Tattoo plans? Wants to get his first at some point in the year, doesn’t know what he wants, possibly a nitw tat :o

He gOT A UKULELE HECK YEA

Fave dodie song? *goes on a long ramble abt dodie being v talented* :’)

If u see him in public, dont be afraid to go say hi :)

He might dye his hair white or something but definitely not anytime soon, he also wonders how it would look completely black

Went to gymnastics camp when he was ‘a little lad’

Ppl frequently ask his sexuality, *sings straight white male*

He dreams in color

Conventions in the summer: vidcon in june, indypopcon in july, pax west in september

Wasnt feeling too happy the other day, gets through it by telling himself that tomorrow will get better, or that things will get better over time, reach out and talk to people 

He wrote a long tumblr post when he was having that shitty day

*dancing to music*

Disney movies he likes: the jungle book, the little mermaid, the lion king

*moving around rapidly* stop lagging stop lagging stop lagging stop lagging

Gave specific tips on how to do backtucks (is that what it was i couldnt catch the word on time)

Headed out bc he has to get up early the next day

Said thanks to the ppl staying up late in different time zones

Appreciates ppl who donate, but doesnt encourage

[in-paradox-space]

today I haven’t done anything. I’ve been down, anxious and lazy.

I want to get high with friends and do sesh things.

I want to draw in my notebook which got lost along with my drawing pens

and some other stuff

I left my bag in a taxi

I left basically all my convenient shit in that bag, chargers, some meds, my ps4 controller, more usb wires, more usb shit but its all really niche convenient techy shit

it isnt that niche but for “””””techies””””” and travelers alike (me) its really convenient

usb type c and micro usb chargers, otg cables, plug heads, usb 3.0 card readers which btw i can plug into my otg cable transferring torrented shit from my phone to a usb wherever i am

a tiny amount of oxy and codeine, 2 weeks worth of medicine roughly, plus some 5htp vitamins

hella baggies just because

probably makes the prescription medicine in there look suspicious

my beanie

and a small sketchbook, pocket sized

I’ve had it since the start of 2017.

I’ve been developing my very own abstract drawing style in that book for over a year.

Nothing valuable was lost. Luckily my camera&lens worth around a grand wasn’t in there

but its just all my convenient stuff

and what sucks most is losing that sketchbook

and as ive been home alone today

ive wanted all the shit in that bag

i can get over the stuff in there

but I want my sketchbook back

it has my address in there, my name, probably some contact details

I really hope they send it there. Even if they keep the other shit.

I may have left the bag in a taxi though. Usually I’d walk to the taxi place, then walk back. It’s like 2.5 miles in total which is a good thing for me because I like the walk

gets me outside,etc

but uh im anxious

honestly most likely because I fapped

I fap like once every one or two weeks. Nofap is no lie. I feel like shit the next few days afterwards

and uhhh

my neighbour moved out, which leaves his girlfriend in the apartment next door... if shes even his gf anymore???? i have no idea but theyre both moving apparently

well yeah i spoke to her boyfriend a lot, got on with him

but i barely know her

and i have no key to the front door of my apartment building, long frustrating story lol

lost my keys

i keep going to the same key cutter because i have no cash and they do free fixes when their own keys fuck up

they made one key cut work, my apartments, but the one to the front door doesn’t work

i dont want to ask her to open the front door, i dont want to knock on her door, its just

the word here is awkward but everything is awkward thats not really a reason

im just irrationally anxious. I feel like she doesn’t like me. There’s many reasons for her not to but also reasons for her to.

Either way I don’t want to annoy her

and it would just be awkward if she heard me try to open the door, then its locked and she hears that from her apartment

then she hears me go back up the stairs and not knock on her door

then that leaves us both in an awkward place

do i knock on her door, knowing there’s a 50/50 chance she heard my attempt to leave my own apartment building

then do that shit

or do i go back into my flat, knowing she probably heard me avoid her

she can put two and two together

hmmmmmmmmmmmm

then she may even knock on herself

with her nice smile which is actually pretty welcoming tbh

well tomorrow

yeah tomorrow i think oh well ill find out

im getting more medicine which i ordered since i ran out and lost mine

one that im able to live without for a week no problem, havent had it for a few days

im supposed to get a blood test every month on this medicine but its been 3 months

lets hope im aight

and uhhh

i need some kick out of this slump

i just keep lazing around

like i have so much i can be doing

like studying, making things for my pages

just hella shit which isnt even that laborious

like i make memes

thats my main thing

i have hella pages

its fun to make them 

i draw too

thats also one of my main things on the down low

but i keep putting it off

i play rythym games

analyze music

can be boring sometime but im under no pressure to do that

i make videos with my friend

god yeah i should do that

like my studying isnt that hard

i dont have to clean toilets every day

man  i just

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i want to get high on oxy and codeine for 2 weeks

but theres just a few a lot of problems with that:

money for one

thats 2 weeks out of my life

withdrawal from friends, having to hide that im back on the horse

then choosing between lying and telling the truth every time afterwards about the 2 weeks

then it wouldnt be as simple as just stopping would it?

maybe it would, sometimes i do just stop like its nothing

and what do i gain

but you know what

oxy might give me that kick

i just dont know the prices on the deepweb or how to use the deepweb

plus i dont have the money

but yeah i guess i feel like being withdrawn for 2 weeks

wouldnt mind doing some light opiates and reading homestuck

plus drawing 

then maybe cramming physics and maths work into literally every hour for a few days

im apparently having some xanax sent over by a friend

im having my doubts about that. it still hasnt arrived and he has reasons to not send them but still make me pay

this is my tumblr and nobody is fucking reading so yeah

but still drugs are mentioned, this is public and liable

id mention him but im just gonna say its the serious boyfriend of someone who got close to me

it fucked with him when it happened. idk how he feels about it now but hes polite to me

it could just be a polite front though, idk how he really feels

i actually really fucking admire the dude

a lot 

everything ive learned about him, from him and our mutual person has just been fucking exceptional

and thats on my mind every time she advanced on me

every time i invited it

every time i chose not to say no

hes a really great dude like i just

he could have beat me up that one time but he understood

he understood pretty much all times i think

and he opened up to me 

whether he sees it that way or not, i see it that way

id love to be his friend. maybe i will be even though this shit is in the air

but i think he may just be being polite, he probably hates me

but yeah

i like the dude

i dont want to fuck around with something that matters so much to him

when i honestly dont want to bother with her

shes admirably smart, very much so, but just not really the kinda person i want to spend more than an evening with

and i only want to be around her when she isnt drunk and in a good mood

shes so volatile i cant be doing with that

but thats why i commend him even more

hes stayed with her through it all and hes such a great person, in my eyes, to be in her life

and if hes gonna try to get cash from me this way then that sucks

like id probably just pay him if he asked considering how much hes forked out 

but nah hes gotta deceive me

i dont even wanna get into benzos, as nice as it is a few hours in,

i just dont like this memory fog

i dont remember any of it 

and the withdrawal seems fucking SCARY

plus tolerance and the fun wearing off when u get hooked

why couldnt he just sell me oxy lol

............. i may ask him

if i was doing oxy id probably actually get the fuck up

do the shit i wanna do

but yeah fuck that

thats basicslly all im saying

im getting anxious, low and unmotivated again

id call it dysthymia

[survivoremathia]

Ep. 6 - “I Had the Wig Snatched from On Top of me” - Duncan

ROB

Eddie did not fucking deserve that, fuck you Sam you piece of shit I've hated you for so long. The newbies can go to hell. Matt fucking Summers I am so glad Jenna Tibby beat you she is a much better person than you, and you don't even host. Bye. 

I'm pissed I wish it was me instead

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158247853246/immunity-6-word-play

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158291809426/immunity-results

RYAN B

I pretty much said nothing this round and did absolutely nothing for the challenge but #noshame cause I'm failing 5 classes so.....

ALI

AHHHHH. I JUST MADE A BIG MOVE! This was my first real tribal (the last one was just an inactive being voted out) and it featured IDOL PLAYS, A SPLIT VOTE and.... ME PLAYING AN ADVANTAGE. little old me!!!! Like I just am in shock. That tribal went amazingly. And I don't feel bad about potentially having betrayed Duncan, as he betrayed me too by lying to me! :) All is fair in love and war, but if they think they can fool little old me, they're mistaken. This sheep has claws :)

ROB

7F

fucking [6:56 PM] Trevor: 

<<< FranklyTrevor, Today 6:56 PM no swear words

fucking

JAY

I haven't done one in a bit I'm sorry!!! But I'm in a fantastic position on my tribe. Scott and Ryan are mostly inactive, so I shouldn't have to worry too much about the first two votes. Also I'm still very close to Owen and RTP. And with Owen comes Trevor, which is fantastic for me. I feel like I'm playing Robin's game from India. Getting close to the couple. But it works. And I'll be close with them while I'm on this tribe.

JD

That tribal was terrifying. I was so stressed... I thought that Logan had the same advantage as Ali did. I was holding my breath, waiting to see a 'and there's one final vote' which never happened. I was buzzing on that for like hours at work. But at yen same time, we might have out smarted them this time but why are still in our tribe. We have to get along and we have to win the next challenge.

I'm not going to lie though, the thought of throwing a challenge did cross my mind. Because me and Ali are in a good place here and if we win then that puts our alliance i. A tight spot and we don't know how they are making over there. We just have to do the challenge and hope that they've had time to make their connections like we did and see what happends.

On another side not, if Sam ever right my name down, I'm going to be a bit bitter, not for long because this is a game but i mean me and Ali saved him, his game was in our hands and we decided we needed him. So Sam, if you voted for me at any time... Give me a day lol

-

Omg i really want to work with Eddie. I really think we could have done really well together. And i feel bad about lying to him because he told me flat out he was voting Sam and he wasn't lying. But i mean shit happens and of we play together again i hope to work with him but i guess we might never see that 

I think this last vote out a target on me and Ali. I think we did a good job at downplaying how close we are but I think everyone is starting to see if. Hopefully not all of it, but they know we're working together... We'll see. 

-

I'm a little bitter that the hosts feel asleep during the endurance challenge. It's 4 am for them and I'm still up and they're​ hadent been a post for 2 hours not. My tribe could have really put themselves a head for when everyone else gets on but now we can't. People need sleep but i don't know, feels a little unfare that my tribe (not just me) sat up late to try and grab the extra points and now we'll be tired tomorrow and the others will get the bonus of sleep. Whatever, that's life. 

-

I can't wait to get back with Trevor and Lydia and see what they think about is being able to vote out Eddie :) thank you Trevor for giving us that little bit of advice baby

RYAN PALMER

Ok so tribe swap, epic. I ended up with most of my allies and this is going to be great. The Fam consisting of me Owen Trevor and Lydia seems like it going to be my strongest alliance rn. I obviously still have David who I want to work with, and Jay seems to think the 4 Othrys are gonna stick together. That leaves a pretty big group of intertwined people to work together and I dont have to expose myself. and as soon as we came over trevor immediately told me about how he wants ryan b out next. idk what happened but he does not like him. we are just gonna ignore scott and hope he just gets med evac'd. we won the music video challenge thanks to muah! jk lydia is the star of the video lmfao i love it. so then eddie leaves? nut. glad i dont have to deal with him in this game. their tribal seemed like a shit show and i want to know everything about it. so then we get this new challenge and trevor is like...oh we can lose its fine....and im like....uh no i dont lose on purpose....and he said not on purpose....but like hes not even trying for this challenge...i know hes trying to throw and i hate that. this is going to bite him in the ass later let me tell you!

DUNCAN

You know the saying "I had the rug swept from under me"? Well I had the wig snatched from Ontop of me

-

I fee like freaking Gina Marie after nick got evicted in bb15. Yesterday really sucked. Eddie is a dear friend and someone who I've been dying to play with for the longest time. I'm so pissed that they took him out. Like? The only reason I voted with those three is because eddie was a part of the three. I could of dealt with being lied to by the other side, by being in the minority, by losing an alliance member. I'm crushed by losing eddie. Now I look like a fucking idiot bc I followed my d*ck and not my head. Now I'm on bottom and I need to make sure I find footing in this fucking tribe to make sure that I'm not the next one to go if we go to tribal.

-

Oh! On top of that! I played my fucking idol and had to give it to someone. So who do I give it to?! It's a hard decision bc I don't trust anyone for shit on this tribe, and I'm probably the next to go, but I have to do something, I can't just roll over and die right? Sooo even though I just tried to help vote him out, I gave it to Samuel. Samuel has all the control over the newbies and is in the power position. I don't want to try and get anyone to flip to Logan rob and I because really? Like I've said, I was only in that alliance for eddie. I'm not going to stay on bottom for the other two. #sorrynotsorry I know I can work well with Samuel if he'll have me, so basically I have to spit shine his ass while trying to play it cool with the newbies. Matt summers? Can cheauxke? I told him I liked eddie and I think he was looking to weaken me if I flipped so that's why they went for him. Also you know what, I didn't feel bad about flipping when I casted my vote. Matt summers lied to me about being in an alliance on our old tribe and that's just frustrating. Then he messaged me back after I messaged him at Tribal like "looks like it's going to be hard for me to trust you now" and I'm like BITXH YOU ALL LIED TO ME ANTYWAYS! So I was on the outs anyways?.......I just feel kind of down. All these great people were cast and I knew it was going be a lot harder than the last two times. I'm still going for that crown, but it looks like the path is going to be paved with blood tears and the corpses of friends 

ROB

I know that now that we're not playing anymore, Eddie is going to stop talking to me again. Fuck Ali, should've just voted Sam and saved your double vote jackass.

ALI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMRRoCmK5eU

OWEN

SO! We lost immunity. I didn't try very hard. I don't think any of the people who actually try on this tribe DID do very well... Oops. We have dead weight in Scott and Ryan B so honestly... I wasn't that concerned. Part of me wants Jay to go because Duncan/Rob/Logan are probably a thing, and Jay would most likely join them. Plus Jay has WON before. But also, Jay does well in challenges and I'm technically working with him.

So my thought now is to go for Ryan B, and maybe Scott will just get expelled for literally not showing up lmao. I'm not really sure who Isaac is... But yikes.

I'm not playing a very good game I don't think, but it's because of the cast. Half of them I have strong relationships outside of the game and I can't really help that. The other half don't bother to show up or try. So there's nobody new for me to get to know. So! I'll lay low and wait for shit to hit the fan when all the people I know merge. I do feel like I have my hand in different baskets and we'll see what happens :~)

JD

So... I got a ring. I don't know own if i like not being able to help direct the vote. Not being able to have a say in what was happening. I might have to pass it off too maybe, I'm not sure. It's cool as hell, i love the idea but i don't know... Control issues maybe.

RYAN B

Welp. At this point it's gonna either be me or Scott. I've accepted my fate either way. We both have been pretty inactive(although Scott has done even less than me so far). If it's not me this time it'll probably be me next time soooo.........

SCOTT

So my Skype officially HATES ME. I literally haven't been active in the chat for what seems like weeks. Hopefully I don't go tonight. 

TREVOR

https://youtu.be/jhuTyOZlEL8

http://survivoremathia.tumblr.com/post/158332506751/tribal-council-5-olympus