#im in a server for discord and i so badly have been trying to become friends with people there but holy shit even after like 2 months

[mayo-is-an-instrument]

I made a boo oc!! I'll make more drawings to use them for when I start making "serious" YouTube videos :3

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

self harm tw

this might come out like a vent thing but i have no queer friends to talk to and am too scared to make friends

i (f17) have been thinking that i might be bi for over 2 yrs now and am very very very paranoid about people finding out about it and recently read comp het and a few things related to it and i think i might be a lesbian but this just hit me like a fucking truck and just i CANNOT be a lesbian i can't even say it out loud tho i couldn't do it with bisexuality too but i don't want to be gay i want to be straight and all of this is just crushing me so bad i have my exams amd school work pending, I'm failing my classes, i used to self harm like a year ago and stopped after 3 4 months i think but i am back at it and it's worse this time.....i have no one to talk to coz i am also very shy and even my best friend is being distant or is just saying ok whenever i try to talk to her about this which i understandable as she is straight and doesn't get what I'm feeling like and it's a lot and i know this will sound super dumb but i tried to "become" straight like i unfollowed every queer acc and scraped every rainbow colored thing in my room i started trying to limit myself in any way and make sure i don't act "gay"(dress wise behaviour wise etc) and i cannot do it i just can't happen to change it and it's only been 4-5 days.......i don't want to be gay, if i were straight i would have never self harmed or did as badly i am doing in school rn and like it's my final yr and the marks matter and just i don't know; i don't even know what i expect you to reply to this honestly

im sorry if this is a lot to unload on you

You cannot “become” straight. That’s literally why conversion therapy doesn’t work. It’s impossible. Your sexual oriantation isn’t something you have any control over. It’s just what it is. It might change naturally but you cannot ~make it~ change. Because sexual orientation isn’t sticking a bunch of rainbows to your bedroom wall (or scraping them off). It’s whom you are attracted to - that’s not something anyone can control.

And that’s a fact you have to learn to accept because otherwise you won’t ever be able to move past this. You are what you are. Whether that’s bi or gay or some other shade of queer remains to be seen, I guess. But you cannot just force yourself to be straight and trying so will only make your mental health worse because you will keep failing at it. Because it is impossible.

You gotta learn to accept that you are queer. And in order to do so I recommend the exact opposite of what you’ve been doing. Follow more queer accounts. Slab all those rainbows back on! Read up on queer history. Try to talk to people about it - if you can’t do that offline then do it online. Find queer friends on tumblr or join a queer discord server. Show to yourself that you are not alone.

And as for your mental health and self-harm: if you have access to it then pls think about getting professional help from a queer-friendly therapist or some kind of queer counselling. Ask google if there is a queer resource center in your country or your specific area that you can contact to ask for help and guidance. They might be able to refer you to people and resources that can help. Other than that, try to find less dangerous coping mechanisms by looking for alternatives to self-harm.

Just like you cannot will yourself to magically be straight you cannot just make your mental health better over night. It’s gonna take time and energy. It isn’t a cake-walk for some people. And that’s still okay because it’s worth it in the end. Also, keep in mind that you are going through all of this in the middle of a global pandemic - which for me as a 31yo is already mindblowingly tough on my mental health. I can only imagine what it’s like for teenagers to go through this right now on top of the regular teenage struggles AND on top of figuring out one’s queerness. You might think it doesn’t have anything to do with your struggle at school and your queerness but everything’s connected, kiddo. For people who are prone to isolate themselves (which you basically said you are, being shy and all) this pandemic situation can really strengthen that character trait for the worse. So please try to reach out to people. I’m proud you’re already doing so by messaging us. But try to keep doing that. Talk to people as much as you can and don’t shy away from asking for help.

You might currently not like being queer. But you are. And you gotta make your peace with that. So take a deep breathe, accept that your queerness is something you cannot change and then take your baby steps towards being okay with it. And then going from “okay” to actually loving it. it might take a while but it’s worth it. You are worth it!

Maddie

[rinnikid]

a lot has happened since i last posted. i’ve been through a bit, figuring myself out a bit more and coming to terms with myself. i realised i was agender last month, and since then ive been coming out to people slowly and becoming more comfortable with myself. when i first realised that i wasnt cis, i cried. a lot. i wanted to so badly to be normal and to not have to figure something else out - just after id gotten comfortable with being a lesbian and asexual. i didnt want to be more different than i was. still, i researched, and i cried reading out peoples stories because that was me. there, on those pages i saw me in these peoples experiences and that was both relieving and terrifying. relieving because i wasnt the only one like this, and terrifying because i was like this.

when i was figuring myself out more, i fell onto my online friends before my irl friends. i dont know why, but it felt easier. maybe because they had less of a perception of me outside of the screen so they could adjust names and pronouns faster than my irl friends. they helped me so much. i could vent to them, let out my frustrations with my school life (being at a single sex school and being agender is hard) and anything that was bothering me. they were there. i could vent in a discord server and just let it out, knowing half the time people wont be able to help or respond, but theyll be able to read and try to understand. that meant more to me than anything else.

id just like to remind anyone who is struggling, that there is always someone out there. you may feel alone, small and terrified for yourself or what youre going to do. but, someone cares. contact your friends, online or otherwise. if you have online friends, talk to them. if you don’t, connect. so many people in the LGBTQ+ community are so willing to talk to people and help out. I have a few links to NB/Trans discord servers if anyone wants some. talking to anyone who will listen and care is better than bottling it all up.

i will care. if you want to talk, i am here. im active on discord, so if you want that please message me and we can chat. i don’t want anyone ever feeling as alone and terrified as i did in those first two weeks of figuring myself out. 

you are not alone.

[lemon-sugarcoats-nothing]

The following is part of a post i made on DA shortly before my bday- Thought i should put it here for- my friends who arent on DA, but are on here- so.. yeah- full version of this is on my 16th birthday acknowledgement deviation post description- Along with theee rest of my life before now

TW; Im- talking about my experience of suicidal thoughts, ideation and- planning. What lead up to it, and the results. What helped me out of it, and where i am now- Im okay for the time being, i dont have any plans to kill myself anymore- soo... yeah- 

This year has been better than last with events, but hasnt been mental health-wise. Life somewhat teased a repeat of my last year, many- many times- but didnt. Yet. Dear god i hope it doesnt repeat- But the fear of a repeat has left me distracted from school. The first quarter went well, but the second went to shit almost immediately. i fell behind on school...really badly. I was still doing some homework, but couldnt focus on it very long. I was going through my days without really living them; going to classes, only to not pay attention, and to watch youtube all the way until bed. Maybe i'd draw some too. When december rolled around i decided i was going to get back on track during winter break. I had about...17 overdue at the time, so this wasnt an unreasonable goal. "Im going to do a few assignments a day. I have more than a week to do this, so i'll still have plenty of free time"...and then every single one of my classes assigned essays the week before winter break. Something about me is that.. i cant focus in reading something im not 1. reading for myself and 2. have no interest in. I just cant. I have to listen to it being read, or i have to find SOMETHING to motivate me. And all of these essays had a reading passage to go with them...and i- broke... The class sessions i was supposed to be working on the essays, i was having panic attacks and breakdowns instead. On top of this, i was being hit with memories of my childhood my brain had shut away- and i was having another gender identity crisis- And eventually this...lead to the suicidal thoughts. At some point they got so loud that i couldnt focus on anything else, but the thoughts- and these thoughts persisted for days until i started- thinking of a plan... at first it was just- thinking of how i would do it- just to get the thought to quiet down a little so i could finally distract myself- but distracting only goes so far... First i was only going to live out until christmas, but then i thought it'd be a waste to not live out christmas break- and i hadnt written anything to say goodbye, so i pushed the date until January 4th, so i could live the last week of my life in peace, and then die. For once in my life my procrastination actually benefited me, because when that date came, i realized i hadnt remembered to think of how to do the act, and also hadnt written anything. So... i pushed the date to the end of the semester...January 25th. I started writing to all my friends, because i couldnt think of just one letter for all of them.. i had something different to say to everyone- Then i lost the energy to write, and planned on recording an audio clip for each person, which would also save them the effort of reading- I has also written out an apology to my friend's parents, covering all my bases, and planned on recording audio for that too, so my tone couldn't be misinterpreted... It was around this point that i joined a few discord servers to help keep myself occupied, while completely neglecting my homework, and- this becomes important in a sec... The last step of planning for me was to figure out the best way to...die- I decided that- slitting my wrist- would be easiest, and would allow greater chance at survival if i changed my mind last minute, than the other options i was considering... One night, i couldnt sleep so i figured it wouldnt hurt to figure out how much pressure i'd need to apply to- do what's needed- but i didnt get very far and realized that this method wouldnt work and had to rework my plan. This was just a few nights before i met my new friends in one of the discord servers- When talking to these people, i was able to relax and- be at peace for once. And i started to feel my need to die...fading- it was still there, because i was scared of the consequences of not doing my schoolwork for so long- One of these nights, i ended up slipping off a clue to one of them that something is wrong when we were the only ones on vc- which worried him- and i cracked, and told him what's going on, lying a bit so he wouldnt worry. A few days later, my mom found out about my 27+ overdue assignments, and her reaction was WAAYYYYY more mild than i thought it'd be- which- gave me no more reason to die so the plans went to the dumpster, less than a week before they were to be carried out- She didnt make me do the assignments, she just told me to do better this semester. As soon as January 25th came, relief swept over me and for the first time in an entire month, i could fully relax... i wanted to cry from how much relief i was feeling lol the following week, i took to just take it easy, tho a lot of my teachers were starting to talk goals for this semester which- overwhelmed me a lot, because i was only just starting to think about what i wanted to do the next day- the week had a light homework schedule, so i didnt fall behind either, which is good! The week after that, aka last week, i was starting to build myself back up. Still wasnt attending all my classes, and wasnt paying attention in them, but did most of my homework. I have a few assignments to make up already, but thats okay, because im still trying to put myself back together, and i know i need to take it slow- This week, im still trying to get back on my feet but im starting to create goals now, and taking baby steps. Not thinking about goals for graduating yet, just about this quarter. This month even lol Im not going to worry about the assignments im missing just yet, but my goal is to make sure i get all my work in this quarter, even if its unfinished, or really really late. "Submitting something and getting points knocked is better than submitting nothing and getting a 0" is something my mom told me... and i want to make that my motto for this semester. Start everything, and submit everything, even if it isnt finished. Now, i still plan on apologizing to my friend's parents, but i need to fully move on from what happened in january first. I'll need to rewrite the script first too, because looking at it causes a feeling of dread and- upsetness?