#don’t you just love being undiagnosed and disabled??

[beepmeowiskarkat]

wip

[insert-name-heres-things]

Happy Disability Pride Month!!!

Remember Folks:

- SELF CARE IS NUMBER ONE

- Use your spoons sparingly! Here’s some spoons to go: 🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄🥄

- Clean your mobility aids! (Seriously dude when was the last time you wiped that shit down with an antibacterial?)

- Accommodate yourself, as others will follow.

- Make goals within your reach and abilities

- DO YOUR COPINGS SKILLS

- Remember to stay hydrated and take your meds!

- For my fellow heat sensitive homies, stay cool this summer! A cold rag draped behind your neck, airy clothing, a small portable hand fan, keeping ice packs ready, cold water and expecially cold electrolyte drinks, all do wonders!

- For my fellow autistic folks, don’t be afraid wear earmuffs, stim, use chew charms, whatever it is that helps you regulate. You don’t have to mask if it’s something that isn’t benefitting to your life.

- POTS havin mofos like me, salt the ever loving fuck out of your food. Try different foods with salt, such as fruits and vegetables! I’m currently eating a salty tomato. Drink lots of water, I’ve been aiding gateraid packets to my water and it’s made a HUGE difference, especially as someone who hates drinking water.

- Those with PTSD for whatever reason, I wish you safety and support as you learn to cope and hopefully heal.

- I don’t know exactly what to say to others with H-EDS, as I’m still understanding this disorder other then BE CAREFUL WITH YOURSELF THIS PRIDE MONTH. I swear to god we are the most accident prone mother fuckers lmfao-

- If your immune system is all fucky like mine, keep clean and be sanitary, communicate with others that if they’re sick you can’t be around them, and wear a mask if you feel like that’s the right option for you. In my hometown I’ve gotten yelled at more than once for wearing a mask post-covid, however you can’t let someone else’s ignorance result in your own suffering.

- Don’t forget to move around and stretch! A little movement can do a lot for your body.

- Check in with your disabled friends! Try and see if there’s any way you can help one another, see where both of your strengths and weaknesses lie, and swap some spoons!!

- Be aware of what triggers your disorders. Whether if it’s caffeine triggering bipolar episodes, the weather causing fibro flares, big changes causing meltdowns, overexerting your hypermobility, whatever it is, it matters. Listen to your body and mind.

- Don’t be afraid to call out that doctor who isn’t listening, dismissing your symptoms and medically gaslighting you.

- While it may not seem like a big difference for some, trust me when I say your appetite is so important! Remember if it comes down to it, that it’s better to eat something, ANYTHING, than nothing at all. 

- To that person who might be hesitant, ashamed or might be questioning wether or not they should use a mobility aid, if it’s the difference between you being stuck at home vs going out and living some life… USE THAT MOBILITY AID!!! Same goes for braces and any other tool that may help you live a better quality of life.

- Be accepting towards those with disabilities different then your own- remember this month isn’t a competition about who’s struggling the most, rather to understand that people of physical, psychological, sensory, neurodivergence, and even undiagnosed disabilities all share one thing in common.. WHICH IS BEING DISABLED!

- Doesn’t matter who you are, how young or old, black or white, thick or thin - the disabled minority is one you can end up becoming a part of at any time, and likely will if you live long enough. Disability doesn’t discriminate, so EVERYONE should be advocating for disabled people’s rights.

- And of course, have pride in being disabled. This shit is fucking hard, but if you’re reading this, you’re doing it. Just being here today and doing what you can handle or manage, is doing your best, and that’s enough. You don’t have to push yourselves to impossible lengths to be proud of yourself.

Here, have the disability pride flag:

[ipso-faculty]

Proposing new meanings for the Disability Pride Flag stripes

I love the design of the disability pride flag made by @capricorn-0mnikorn (in consultation with many disabled people!). It’s beautiful, elegant, and distinct. I love the symbolism of the diagonal stripes.

But the more I think about the meanings of the five diagonal stripes, the more uncomfortable I am with them. So I'll explain my discomfort and then give proposed alternative meanings.

For those unfamiliar, these are the meanings that capricorn-0mnikorn gives:

The White Stripe: Invisible and Undiagnosed Disabilities

The Red Stripe: Physical Disabilities

The Gold Stripe: Neurodivergence

The Blue Stripe: Psychiatric Disabilities

The Green Stripe: Sensory Disabilities

With additional and helpful context here! 💙 Like a lot of disabled people my disabilities don't all fit neatly into these boxes, but I recognize some disabled people see themselves in these categories. I do appreciate the symbolism of it being the most common flag colours / internationalism plus the intent of representing diversity amongst the disability community.

Here’s what doesn’t sit well with me:

The yellow was chosen for the neurodiversity stripe because gold = Au = autism (and also as a fuck you to autism speaks, a sentiment I agree with 💯). 

So autism is used to represent all of neurodiversity. Even though the 2018 AutisticsUK campaign to associate gold with autism was explicitly motivated by the idea that neurodiversity is larger than just autism and autistic people should have our own colour/symbol distinct from the rainbow infinity used for general neurodiversity.

One specific disability is effectively being given a whole stripe (autism) while the other four stripes are based on abstract ideas: red is associated with body -> physical disability, blue is associated with the mind (and is “opposite” to red) so -> mental disability. This is reasonable but it’s inconsistent. (And I am very much the kind of autistic who gets bothered by internal inconsistency 😅)

The Deaf community has been using cyan blue for ages (since at least 1999, probably older) and they have been so vital in disability rights history. I feel if any single disability deserves to get an entire stripe to themselves it should be them.

I appreciate the honestly that assigning green to sensory disabilities was because “that was the color that was left over” but it still feels wrong given how vital blind & deaf people have been to disability history. 

Blue for mental/emotional disabilities also misses that the Mad Pride movement has been using purple as their colour since at least 2013. 

If all five stripes were disconnected from actual disability-specific pride flags I think I’d be okay with it. What sets me off is the inconsistency: autism gets the privilege of its own chosen colour but not other disabilities? (Also: autism isn’t the only disability that uses yellow!)

My proposal for new meanings

I propose each stripe represent a different cause of disability, and the associated model(s) of disability that go with that cause:

Red: disability due to injury / the debility model of disability - e.g. injury due to armed conflicts caused by colonialism, injury due to gun violence in a country which fails to regulate gun safety, preventable illness due to sociopolitical neglect 😡🩸

Yellow: disability due to natural differences / affirmative models of disability - e.g. autistic people who lead lives that take advantage of their autistic traits, DSPS folks who are able to work night shifts and take pride in doing so 😄🌟

Blue: situational disabilities / critical models like the social model, social construction model, political/relational model, and radical model - e.g. a Deaf person who feels their only disability is that people don’t speak their signed language and don’t provide captions/etc 🗣️♿️

Green: disability due to illness / biomedical models of disability - e.g. people with conditions like ME/CFS and Long Covid who actually do want to be treated/cured 🤢🦠

White: disability caused by unknown or other factors / other models such as the human rights model - e.g. somebody with a poorly-understood and/or undiagnosed illness who is fighting for access for accommodations and medical care 👀🤍

People may relate to multiple stripes! Whether it’s for the same disability or for having multiple disabilities. Like the old meanings, the intent is to showcase our internal diversity. 🌈

It’s been my experience of disability community that attitudes about disability tend (in general) to be linked more to when/how we were disabled rather than mental/physical/sensory/etc. For example, people like me who were disabled from a young age tend to understand our disabilities differently than people who acquire disability later in life.

Colour choice justifications:

Red as disabilities caused by injury: keeping with capricorn-0mnikorn’s association of red with the body plus the common associations of red with blood, violence, and anger. I want to explicitly include the debility model of disability because a lot of white disabled people tend to forget or gloss over how disability is used as a weapon against racialized & Global South folks.

Yellow is associated with optimism and pleasure as well as enlightenment (such as in the Deaf flag) and so I connect it to the affirmation model of disability (which is the opposite of the charity/tragedy model). From there I associated it to disability due to natural differences, such as congenital neurodivergence. I want yellow to still be something that fellow autistics could still see themselves in the flag for! 💛 And I want intersex people who see their intersex variation as a disability to be able to see themselves here too because being intersex is natural 💛 

Blue as disabilities that are social/situational in nature, like Deafness being a disability in situations where signed languages are unavailable. I wanted Deafness to actually be under blue this time. 💙 

Blue has also been used for disability writ large for a long time now and so this one being the one associated with the Social Model feels most historically connected to me. I’m also including newer critical/postmodern models like the social construction model and radical model which also posit that disability is a social category rather than a deficiency of individuals’ bodyminds.

The social model is generally contrasted with the medical model - viewing disability as a medical problem. A lot of disability activism is focused on de-medicalizing our bodyminds and challenging the idea that we want to be cured. 

But there are chronic illnesses like ME/CFS, long covid, and cancer where the people who are disabled by them do actively (and vocally) want to be cured! And they belong to the disability community too.  Green was picked for illness because green has been used to symbolize sickness (e.g. the 🤮 emoji). And biomedical models like the traditional medical model and the more recent biopsychosocal model are thematically connected to disability being due to illness.

For white, I want people who are undiagnosed and/or who feel the invisibility of their disability as important to again be able to see themselves in this stripe. 🩶White is also the catch-all “other models” because of white being the sum of all colours in an additive colour model. Models like the human rights model I see as being appealing to disabled people who are feeling invisibilized by society.

For each stripe I've included both a cause of disability and a model of disability. The causes are concrete, and easy to understand. The models of disability are more abstract and not everybody will know them (especially ableds). But a flag gives us an opportunity to teach others about us and I think it's a great opportunity to increase awareness of the different views/models of disability. 🖤

Overall, I tried to keep as much of capricorn-0mnikorn’s reasoning/associations alive in my new proposed meanings as I could. 💜 I hope people who see themselves in a given stripe of the original flag will see themselves in this scheme as well. I hope people who didn’t see themselves in the original scheme find these options more inclusive. ☮️

[serana666]

Getting on my soapbox about something I think is REALLY important for chronically ill ppl to think about.

Being undiagnosed and disabled is a terrible experience. You’re screaming into the medical void for ANYONE to please SEE YOU and help. You start thinking “is it just me? Could it just be in my head? What’s wrong with ME?”

And I’m here to tell you, it’s 👏🏻NOT YOU👏🏻 it’s THEM. (The doctors)

I have been through the grueling process of becoming totally disabled by chronic illness, without knowing what it could be. I picked up diagnosis’ along the way: RA, then lupus, then fibro. And I am LUCKY that my blood worked with me to show those things, not everyone is so lucky.

I kept thinking (foolishly buying into the narrative doctors try and sell you) that if I could just get a *serious* diagnosis I would finally be given access to the care I needed, that ALL disabled people need. That was never the case at any step in the process.

When I was diagnosed with RA and began having symptoms outside of it, that were completely debilitating my rheumatologist told me I just needed more exercise and activity. I told them specifically I had fatigue so strong that I was loosing the ability for basic functioning.

When I found a new rheumatologist and was diagnosed with lupus I thought my troubles were over. Then she started saying weird shit like “do you have a boyfriend? You’re so pretty!”

She found out I was a lesbian when I brought my girlfriend to my appointment to be my advocate. Her whole demeanor changed to me and I spent 6-8 months with her receiving no treatment. They kept saying “oh it’s the insurance” nope they sent me letters telling me this office was not following up.

So I moved to a blue state literally out of fear that I would die waiting on these bigoted doctors. I got a rhum in a blue state. I was diagnosed with secondary fibro. Again, I foolishly believed I would finally be in the clear. No, she still minimizes and blinks at me when I describe my pain.

Doctors are not our allies, even though they should be above all else. They find ANY excuse to minimize us. So if you are someone who is undiagnosed or with a diagnosis that is misunderstood/not taken seriously , they will milk that for all it’s worth. 👏🏻ITS NOT YOU👏🏻

I’ve seen people in disabled communities minimized for their race, their weight, their gender, their sexuality/queerness, their age, their diagnosis or the lack thereof, ITS NOT YOU!

You know your body, and the pain you feel BETTER than any doctor that has been trained to systemically ignore you!

Don’t let them tell you what your reality is. It’s such a knee jerk reaction for minorities to do this to themselves.

You deserve medical care that isn’t contingent on your doctors bias’. We NEED more empathy. Don’t let their disregard for your life leak into the love you NEED to give yourself. 💕

[cripplecharacters]

I want to write more disabled characters but my story takes place in the 60s… so far it hasn’t been an issue because the disabilities included would historically either be undiagnosed, kept secret, belong to characters already at the fringes of society, etc

I really want a specific character to have Down’s syndrome but it’s not the sort of story that would at all be benefited from the inclusion of an institution. For personal reasons, I don’t want to touch that. I’ve been writing him with just undiagnosed autism that’s left him socially outcast from his peers. The most extreme his ableism gets is being seen as the local weird girl (as he’s a closeted trans man)

The story is decently realistic for what the queer and intersex characters would experience, imagining doing the same for disability feels bad… at least, to the level of ableism someone with Down’s syndrome would experience. His parents are notably shitty, rich, and care more about their reputation than their kids so I don’t see a way he wouldn’t get that treatment.

Is there a way I can still write this or similar characters without delving into heavy ableism? What are your thoughts on historical stories that ignore or downplay historical ableism?

Thanks, @interroblog

Hello asker,

I'll start first with a small note: It's better to write Down Syndrome as opposed to the possessive Down's Syndrome, since John Langdon Down didn't have DS.

So, with this story there is one general concern:

It feels strange to depict period-accurate intersexism and transphobia and homophobia as core parts of the story, but downplaying ableism when it's as period-accurate as the other -isms. In this case, it can definitely feel like you're glossing over a very relevant part of history that would have been part of your story. Yes, queer and intersex people have faced some really difficult things and still do. But the same is true for disabled people. Ignoring this can feel revisionist.

If you're going for a very realistic story, but you don't want to write ableism at all, it is probably better to just skip the DS aspect. People with DS have faced some truly intense ableism throughout history (and they still do), as people who have intellectual disability and facial and physical differences, two things that lead to some pretty intense ableism from many, many people. It's fine to not do this if you're not comfortable writing ableism, but again, intense ableism was widespread and common.

However, if the only thing holding you back is institutionalization: Not every single person with Down Syndrome was institutionalized. Yes, it was very common, and would probably be thought about, suggested, and even encouraged. But not everyone institutionalized their children with DS, for various reasons.

If you want him to still have that type of parents, perhaps the reason they don't institutionalize him is in fact for the benefit of their reputation. Maybe they want to be seen as 'saintly' for raising a visibly disabled child or something – still shitty, still caring about their reputation more than their actual kids, like you intended; there is just a different outcome.

Now, to my personal thoughts on historical stories that ignore or downplay ableism, as someone who loves historical fiction: It depends on how historically accurate the story in general both is and aims to be. But I don't like stories that completely ignore ableism, especially the more realistic they aim to be. It feels like glossing over history. Even modern stories that completely ignore ableism I don't like. I still recognize that downplaying historical ableism can be a useful tool for authors, especially for disabled authors' own comfort. And, also, while ableism was very common in the past, it doesn't mean every disabled person ever always faced the worst possible ableism ever.

Basically: you, and other authors, can acknowledge historical ableism accurately without making it the main point and focus of the story. But if your focus is a story specifically about discrimination, which it seems like it is, it feels irresponsible to gloss over an extremely common and pervasive form of discrimination.

Hope this helps,

– mod sparrow

[gor3sigil]

About being a freak, queer, trans etc.

In all the years I've spent going back and forth with my gender, being sure one day and unsure the next about how I wanted to present, if I wanted to be more fem or masc, if I wanted to be neither of them, there's one thing that I never wished: I never wished to be born cis.

There's something so magical in being trans. To me it's like a never ending childlike wonder of myself and others. I see my body as a white canvas I can do anything with and as a playground for me to explore and find secrets at every turn. It's shedding so many times that I had hundreds of silhouettes and I'm not even 30. It's seeing the most deepest and honest smiles when you hang out with your peers, and they're fully themselves and you are fully yourself even if it's just for one moment.

Being trans is being more naked than ever. My understanding of my own flesh at its core like I'm dissecting it once a year is so whole and complete. Noticing the patterns, the intricate map of my skin, how it grows and stretch with every change even well before HRT as I was practicing new poses and expressions and clothes.

I don't see myself as a flower, I see myself as a whole garden, with bees and critters everywhere, bursting with life in the warmth of the sun under a sky as blue as the cleanest seas.

Regarding the way others see me, mind you, I always was, and I mean ALWAYS, all my life, seen as a freak.

Try to picture this, even tnough you maybe can because this is the story of a whole bunch of us: growing up as a goth, queer and undiagnosed autistic girl, in a little shitty town, the last child of a family of disabled and neurodivergent folks that everyone saw as a family of, well, freaks. The teachers at school knew your brother who was bullied, and your sister who always caused troubles. They don’t know which of these paths you’re going to take but they sure as hell don’t like you. And the only other queer kids you know are a couple of girls who’d chugg down vodka before class in middle school because they were not accepted at home and bullied during recess.

My first queer relationship, also in middle school, was the typical “I loved her to the moon and back but she only wanted to experiment” and it tore down my soul. It took me years to recover from this. I think that, apart from my longest relationship to date, I never put that much of myself into someone I loved. But she was just goofing around and I mean, fair, we were kids, but man did it hurt. I resented her for years after. Now I just hope she’s happy and doing the job she always dreamed of doing.

Anyways, all that to say that I was used to being seen as an outcast. I hated that for years and tried and tried again and again to fit in. It doesn’t work. Because this in not the answer. Remember when I said that my family members were always all disabled ? My father espacially was physically disabled (and probably also autistic but undiagnosed), and he’s still to this day one of the most ableist person I’ve ever met. He knew his kids weren’t “normal”. He fought tooth and nails for us to fit in. Because that’s how he survived. But despite it all, it never worked. Because you can’t force your way into society’s standards.

I never felt more free than when I just gave up trying to. If I was going to be seen as weird anyways, might as well go all the way. Dress as I please, date who I wanted (another story for another time but it didn’t go as planned), enjoy the shit I enjoyed, unapologetically. And guess what ? It stopped the bullying. Because I gained confidence in myself and most of all, pride. I grew proud of being an outcast, so much so that people just started to be like “well, they’re like that anyways” and left me the fuck alone.

I’m rambling lmao but I think it’s important to be aware that nobody will live your life for you. Being your weird self, it’s so hard, butn so rewarding. More rewarding than anything. You’ll start making new relationships based on you TRUE self, you’ll go all the way for your passions, and trust me, you’ll be more free than anyone who bent themselves to fit in the mold and still need to painfully stretch their limbs everyday to keep the act on.

I know that sometimes it’s something you have to do to survive, and that’s perfectly okay. But don’t forget to keep your true self close and to let them out from time to time, okay ? Water down your inner garden. That’s the only way you will truly live.

[theoutsiderscomfort]

Time for the final outsiders gang headcanon before I have to come up with more ideas.

Sodapop Curtis Headcanons

Usually I don’t jump straight into the neurodivergent headcanon but today I am

This guy has raging ADHD

He is the definition of ADHD. When you look it up in a dictionary, it’s just a picture of Sodapop

He can never sit still. He is always fidgeting in some way

His teachers used to hate him being in their class because he wouldn’t sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time

He also has a undiagnosed learning disability/disabilities

He had a teacher call him dumb when he was in 2nd or 3rd grade and it has stuck with him all these years

His teachers thought he was never listening in class but he was, he just didn’t understand when they explained it

He is a very hands on learner which is why he was good at mechanics and gym

Ask him what Shakespeare meant in that line from Romeo and Juliet? No clue. Ask him why the car sounds like it’s rattling? He is explaining every possible reason why

Honestly could ramble about adhd and learning disabilities headcanons for Soda all day but that’s not what you are here for

He was the kind of kid growing up, who would trip over, scrap their elbows and hands yet still get up with a massive smile on his face

This guy forgets to put on his shoes more times then he will admit

At least a few times a week, Steve has to remind him to put on his shoes for work

He has a massive sweet tooth. I mean he canonly puts jam with his eggs, something that doesn’t usually need a sweet element

He was a big mamas boy growing up. He just loved spending time with his mom

He didn’t even care if they just went to the hair stylist. He liked the pretty ladies who would talk about how cute he was

Both of his parents deaths hit hard but his moms hit just the tinest bit more

I had to put a tiny bit of angst in

He eventually starts working part time with horses

Training them, cleaning their stables, riding them, just anything to do with horses

He would eventually have enough money to buy his own horse

Someone give this man a horse because I will never get over Soda losing Mickey Mouse

I don’t know what’s with the Curtis brothers and my ability to ramble about my neurodivergent headcanons for them

[arecaceae175]

Directors cut: thoughts on Sky and Legend? Especially as chronic illness buddies like in Resting Together.

Hello fellow chronic illness Sky truther!!!! I’ve been thinking about this all day and all night. I love them your honor

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Sky and Legend as chronic illness buddies. For one I just think they would get along very well, and for two they are so easy to project chronic illness into hehe. Sorry blorbos but actually I’m not 😂

One big thing I enjoy exploring with Sky and Legend is the differences in how obvious their disabilities are to other people. With Legend, he’s naturally a more vocal person, so he would talk about them more I think. I also usually imagine him having mobility aids like braces or compression garments or a cane, etc. So, all that to say I usually write him so that it’s very clear to others he’s disabled. 

With Sky, his are more invisible. Or at least he plays it down well. For example, everyone knows he’s sleepy. When people make lighthearted jokes about it, Sky just smiles and goes along with it instead of saying something like yeah I’m always horribly fatigued from my chronic illness 🥲.

I also think there would be a difference in how disability and chronic illness are handled between Sky’s and Legend’s era. Legend is so far into the future and his civilization is more advanced, so he would be much more likely to actually have terms and words and diagnoses to describe his experiences. That makes it so so so much easier to understand his body and his experiences, describe them to others, and ask for and use accommodations.

Sky has a tendency to downplay and ignore his symptoms until it sends him into a flare up and he can’t ignore them anymore. Part of it is who he is and the trauma issues from not being fast enough, but also part of it is some internalized ableism telling him his symptoms aren’t as bad because they don’t present exactly like Legend’s. THAT IS NOT TRUE!!!!! DO NOT BE LIKE SKY!!!!! Everyone’s symptoms are different and you should never downplay your problems because you believe someone else has it worse.

All of this is something very important to me personally, and I think it resonates well with any others out there with undiagnosed issues and invisible disabilities.

So yeah. Those are my thoughts. They’re very important to me 💞💞💞💞💞

[aelianated-star]

Buckle up folks because this is a long post -

Tips for newly diagnosed dysautonomia patients:

- Drink a lot of water (so much water guys. Especially if you have hypovolemic types of dysautonomia, like hypovolemic POTS, it’s crucial)

- Keep up with electrolytes/ salt intake. Vitassium makes salt pills, chews, and tablets. I personally prefer the tablets because I can just suck on them for a while, but I know a few people who prefer the pills.

- Compression socks help, A LOT! One major component of dysautonomia, in general, is blood pooling (which can greatly increase your risk of fainting). The compression/construction helps blood flow and return back to your heart and brain

- Your disability(s) are valid, even if you don’t pass out/pass out a lot!! Only about 1/3 of people with POTS (one of the most common types of dysautonomia) pass out! And of those, few pass out regularly/daily (such as myself). No matter what, you are valid! Even if you’re undiagnosed, even if your case is “mild”, even if you manage it well without much help; you’re valid!

- Especially for those of you who are just being introduced to disability (likely because of long COVID), it’s okay to grieve the life you used to have/planned to have. You can live a wonderful, full life with these conditions (and other conditions), it just may require more accommodations than you anticipated!

- DONT BE AFRAID TO ACCOMODATE YOURSELF! Seriously, use mobility aids, get a 504/IEP, and make your space(s) accessible to yourself! I use forearm crutches for short distances, but because of how severe my dysautonomia is, I’m reliant on a wheelchair (with someone pushing me/motorized aid) to go more than a couple hundred feet/longer (or anything that requires standing for more than 5-10 minutes).

- Get a pulse oximeter or watch! Certain types of dysautonomia may cause lowered oxygen (hypoxia) because of a lack of available blood. It’s extremely important to monitor this and make sure you’re aware of your oxygen levels!

- Find community! I personally love using “stuff that works”. It not only lets you crowdsource for information about medications or treatments, but lets you message other people with the same condition(s) as you.

- If you feel like something is wrong, please talk to your doctor. I know it’s scary, especially if you have medical trauma/PTSD on top of these conditions, but it can literally be lifesaving. I noticed a sudden uptick in chest pain and casually mentioned it to my doctor. Sure enough, we found I have two types of arrhythmias (p-wave inversion and flutters) Now I’m pushing for genetic testing to see if my diagnosed EDS is vEDS/cvEDS

- Don’t be afraid to start and try medications! I’ve tried numerous medications and haven’t found anything that works quite right yet, but that doesn’t mean I won’t :). And some of you may not need medication! You may be able to manage with lifestyle changes, or IV therapy, which is great! Do what works FOR YOU. Everyone is different!

- Rest days are productive! Your body is working really hard to keep you alive, it’s okay to take a break! Take care of yourself, really, it’s okay to conserve spoons.

[bonesart]

My pieces for Dimension Disability, a zine I organized for this year’s @d20zinejam

Imagine the respite of being able to sigh in relief and not be charged for the breath. To weep with joy and know that your tears cost you nothing.

When Elaine Lee created the world of Starstruck she asked us to imagine a world where humanity has achieved faster than light spaceflight space travel, invented cybernetic consciousness, and found sapient alien species, but is still ruled by a crypto-fascist hyper-capitalist corporate plutocracy. It’s really not all that hard to imagine really.

For people like me, who live with disabilities in a nation that neglects to give us free healthcare, or even universal insurance, Gunnie’s opening vignette rang a little too true. We know what it’s like to hate our bodies for how costly they are, to be haunted by the debts they accrue.

I’m not paraplegic, and I’m fortunate enough to have been raised in a household that never went uninsured. But I find myself resonating with Gunnie far more than any other disabled D20 character. He is emblematic of many of the truisms of the Disability Rights Movement: Anyone can become disabled at any time, and it is one of the only minority identities that you can gain at any point in your life. One second Gunnie was able bodied, one second he was not. His life was forever changed by an accident. None of us are immune from these catastrophes.

But he also lives in a world of medical miracles. If it weren’t for the cost of his cybernetic body, if it weren’t for the systems that imposed his debts upon him, would we still consider him disabled? Personally, yes. I think a life that requires accommodation is a disabled life. But I also recognize that the medical model of disability is flawed. There are many social forces that disable Gunnie, that disable me. If the two of us didn’t live in capitalist hell worlds, we’d be able to do many things we currently are not. Not to mention the culpability of capitalism in creating dangerous situations that lead to naive navigators being ejected into space without protective gear, or medical systems that leave chronic pain undiagnosed and untreated for over a decade (eh-hem). Gunnie’s story tells us that disability rights won’t be achieved until we shrug off the repressive systems that demand that profits come before people. But it also tells us that we need to be willing and able to care for each other and accommodate many needs even after we ritually sacrifice the execs of Eli Lilly to the Night Yorb, condemn Bezos to a life of sharing a bunk bed with Bazathrax and the Jersey Devil, and nail Elon Musk to a giant metal X before demolishing it with a classic Operation Slippery Puppet.

And Gunnie’s story tells me one more thing. There is joy to be found in a disabled life. Maria Town, president of the American Association of People with Disabilities, once said, “Everyone will become disabled if they are lucky enough…Disability is not necessarily a sign of weakness or a sign of a lack of competence. It is instead a sign of survival and resilience and strength.” There are things Gunnie only does because of his experiences with disability, only because he lives in a disabled body. He counts cards, he ejects his torso from his legs in a wild gambit to get to the ship in time, he longs to free the universe of debt. I think if nothing else, my disabilities have given me determination - to fight invisible oppression, to advocate for my disabled siblings, to make it another day because fuck you migraine, fuck you OCD, you aren’t my mom- and compassion - to love everyone even, the people with minds I don’t understand, to find community with those very different from me, to help where I can.

This has been a long rambling rant (maybe my roommates’ suspicions I have AuDHD and not just the ‘tism have merit), but I hope to leave readers with the inspiration to persevere and to research and fight for disability rights. In the United States, a growing fascist movement seeks to rob us of our rights and it is suspected that the Americans with Disabilities Act is the next target. Non-Americans should also be wary of increasing encroachment of capitalism into your medical system. We all deserve an All Debts Cleared moment. Fight the good fight; the ball is not rolling up, WE ARE THE BALL!

[ID: A digital painting of Gunnie, shown from the shoulders up in profile. He is a bald, Black man with a gold and bronze cybernetic body, and a gold and bronze ring around his forehead. He is smiling, covering his mouth with one hand in disbelief, and crying out of his visible eye. A screen on his neck reads "c-0" in small green analog text. Behind him is a star-scape of indigo and magenta. Above his head, a blue panel bordered by green reads "All Debts Cleared" in green, analog, capitalized text.]

[fatphobiabusters]

Hey! I love your blog! Sorry for the message I just don’t know where else to turn. I wish I could love being fat, but I have an undiagnosed disability and cannot walk for more than 1-2 minutes. My parents and doctors blame it on my weight. The disability is ruining my life and making me very depressed. Some days I even wonder if it could be because of my weight, but every attempt to lose weight ends in failure. I’m just so discouraged and depressed. Sorry for this message. I’d love to celebrate being fat (and disabled) but I have too much baggage and trauma associated with it.

Even when someone is fat, they're usually still able to walk for more than two minutes. Your disability sounds independent of your weight. And as you stated: intentional, long-term weight loss wouldn't and hasn't worked for you. It's extremely difficult not to accept what other people say as fact even when you know logically that their opinion doesn't add up. But even on days when you can't help but believe the internalized fatphobia, I hope you'll remember that you deserve adequate, proper healthcare no matter what. Even if you did have a disability due to weight, you would still deserve proper healthcare. That means that your doctors should not be focusing on your weight, should be doing tests, and should treat you with respect. It's also nothing to be ashamed of if you use or will have to use a wheelchair in the future. Disability and fatness are not moral failures. You deserve to use accommodations to meet your needs. I hope this will help you start to internalize your inherent worth!

-Mod Worthy

[of-mutton-and-wool]

So more cotl reincarnate thoughts

Basically reminder

Because the youngest died first

The youngest are the oldest and the oldest are the youngest

I’m not entirely sure if their disabilities carry into this life ( I am leaning towards yes so, we are going to assume these apply here)

Oh and it’s like hundreds of years after the main plot so it’s modern times

Shamura

- their about 14-15ish at the start of this au

- their parents are pretty neglectful. They keep food in the fridge but never have time to see shamura, so they mostly spent time by themselves when they were at a age where they could ‘take care of themselves’

- because of this neglect shamura struggles in social interactions because nobody taught them anything how to really interact with their peers

- plus they struggle in school due to undiagnosed memory issues + adhd (they don’t know. Doctors scare them so they try not to say anything)

- they aren’t exactly bullied? But like, they aren’t exactly friends with anyone either

- … its lonely at school.

- because of this shamura is very enthusiastic and latched onto anyone who gives them the time of day

- this leads to shamura befriending Leshy, the city’s local Florida man.

- they got a shitty laptop for their 12th birthday and have unrestricted internet access (to their gain and detriment)!

- their main interests are mythology, video games, and programming + hacking

- they honestly feel the safest inside their room in a little tent they created with webbing and tents

- they babysit camellia from time to time!!

- once did soccer. Got kicked off because they bit another kid

Leshy

- like, 30

- he was born blind :].

- he’s married!!! To the yellow cat, Elio!! They have a daughter and her name is camellia!!

-how does that work? I don’t know! Its best not to ask

- he loves his family very much

- he’s known for causing trouble around the city, no major crime (to his dismay, but he has a husband and daughter he wants to stay close to).

- he thinks the governing body of the city is a bunch of cowards

- I’m not entirely sure how Leshy gets around just yet but I’m tempted to give him a service worm which assists him in his schemes! Or he’s lived in the city his whole life. Maybe both.

-cops hate him. He hates the cops.

- sorta concerned that shamura hangs around him because ‘shouldn’t you be hanging out with your peers??? ‘

- but hey leshys got a pal!

- Leshy 🤝 shamura (living in the unmarketable part of town)

- he can purr :]

- Leshy really resents his parents. They were the opposite of shamura’s, they were VERY overprotective and basically locked Leshy at home

- he doesn’t talk to them anymore. They’ve long since moved out so they will leave him alone.

- when he’s upset Leshy tends to fall back into some old self destructive habits

- despite being very lively he doesn’t often go to crowded parts of town because he much prefers to be able to hear thank you very much.

Heket

- late 20s (probably about 28)

- she feels… stuck. She didn’t have enough money for collage and she ended up dropping out of high school for reasons I can’t think of right now

- she lives with her family and siblings. They operate decently successful supermarket.

- heket wants to be satisfied but she’s not. There is this anger inside her she can’t do anything about.

- she’s had her fair share of petty crime in her youth. Unlike Leshy she’s mellowed out.

- she’s selectively mute again due to lore reasons. She knows sign language and usually keeps a notepad on her.

- She sees kallamar a lot, and being the only other person she knows who knows sign language, she and him are good aquitances

- the type to blast music when she’s upset

- the only one I would trust behind a steering wheel

- decent relationship with her parents (shocking).

- decent with kids as well! She babysits her siblings a lot. Babysat shamura when they were younger (they haven’t spoken since)

- probably started smoking in high school and has yet to quit the habit

- honestly romantic intimacy scares her so she’s not in the romance scene

- she actually used to be in a band! She still has her base and plays it sometimes, reminds her of simpler times

- also as a way to try and manage her anger she took up crocheting. While not particularly patient she can make a damn good granny square.

- she doesn’t drink. She just doesn’t consider herself a fun person to drink around.

Kallamar

- about 24ish

- cunty,, in collage. He’s a trust fund kid </3

- he’s in college for medicine but really kallamar wants to be a fashion designer (but daddy said no because ‘that’s not a man’s job’)

- still, when he isn’t drowning in work kallamar daydreams about running his own clothing brand.

- kallamar frequents a local convenience store because they are the only place to have the drinks he likes, and thus he’s become friendly with heket!

- considers her his friend. Your honor he’s just a little lonely

- you will NEVER catch him lacking in the fit department. Will GUSH about his choices if you let him

- some of his fits are definitely not practical tho, he just doesn’t know when to not wear something

- he makes most of the stuff he wears! His mother taught him

- he thinks he’s pretty. Not in a vain way, he just thinks he’s an attractive person

- pericings guy.

- he’s an average student, not particularly special.

- he envies heket a little because it looks like she’s got it all figured out and has her whole life set out

- kallamar is paralyzed by uncertainty in his one future

- he’s got a fast reaction time, VERY good at dance dance revolution.

- he’s to afraid to get a tattoo but he paints little symbols on himself!

- very sassy. Kinda mean to, in his head he’s Regina George but in reality he’s just kinda pathetic

- however he gives really good advice.

No narinder lore (yet) sorry :[

[ihopesocomic]

Adding to my thoughts on the TikTok ask and one of the major reasons I love I Hope So- I don’t like how people act like a disability is a quirky trait. It’s just feels so disrespectful to see someone say they have this disability and then act like it’s a quirky ‘oopsy-daisy! Silly me’ trait when it’s a serious matter that cause people to struggle daily.

I have ADHD and deal with depression and anxiety so I always feel like people are downplaying my and other people’s struggles by doing that just to gain attention. I’ve mainly seen it with Autism and OCD. I do get some people make jokes about their disability- I always joke about my disabilities, I think that’s fine. Most people joke to try and make light of a situation they have to deal with. It’s just the people that treat like a quirky trait and even boost up the stereotypes of these disabilities. That or they don’t take people with disabilities seriously. It also comes off that our disability is our whole personality when it isn’t- I’m not ashamed of my disability but I also don’t like feeling the struggles I deal with aren’t serious. I even had people in real life act like my struggles aren’t a matter to take seriously. If any of this makes sense?

I Hope So has a community of people who are respectful and understanding, most of them have disabilities and read the comic because it gives them comfort. Storm is one of my comfort characters due to both of us having ADHD and just seeing her living her best life gives me comfort that I could do that as well. It’s really nice seeing community like this- built on respect and compassion, just everyone loving on a comic that makes all of them feel strong and confident in themselves. Especially the LGBT+ and disabled. It’s possibly the most healthy fandom I’m in so I’m glad I found the comic.

Thank you so much, anon, and we're glad to hear that both the comic and the community brings you comfort and that you feel safe and happy within it. And hard agree on everything you've stated. I'm going to be honest and say that, as somebody who was ostracised and constantly branded as "different" and "weird" for undiagnosed autism, it really annoys me how people view it as a 'quirk' nowadays. This isn't some cool kid's club, these disabilities can affect individuals very deeply and can define their life to the point where - like you've stated - they feel like they cannot have the opportunities and a chance at happiness like neurotypicals can. For some people to try and wear it like some fun little costume and perpetuate harmful stereotypes is just insulting.

And I've never vibed with fandom or communities because they either range from being super clique-y to just downright toxic so I'm also glad that we've been able to build our own community around this comic and share it with you all and have it be a comfort and a safe space that you've all kept up for us. Thank you all. <33 - RJ

[mandana-the-service-pup]

Take it from someone who is chronically ill…

I will try to hear you out when you are offering me health advice. I know it’s probably coming from a place of concern and you think this advice would help. But take it from someone who’s been through this for years. There are some things that just don’t fly well with many chronically ill people. Here is my short list but I’d like to hear from others in the community.

Please don’t recommend:

Exceptions made if the disabled person is asking you for a particular type of recommendation.

Anything ingestible. Supplements & diet changes are really difficult to talk about for a lot of people with chronic illness. Most of us have trialed handfuls of supplements a day and extreme diet changes. It’s often a phase we go through when undiagnosed or newly diagnosed because we don’t feel like we are getting enough support from doctors but we need to try something (ANYTHING) that might help us. Most of us also have GI issues and/or eating disorders. We have learned the hard way what works for our broken bodies. It’s a really sensitive topic for a variety of reasons and chances are the person has done the research and already knows more about them than you do.

Exercise. Disabilities are not all equal and this is especially true when it comes to exercise. Someone who is an amputee or paralyzed might not have the same issues as someone who has migraines or chronic fatigue. Exercise intolerance is real and many disorders are exacerbated by physical exertion. Even things like stretching and physical therapy can be too much or easily done in the wrong way. It’s a sensitive topic with heavy implications that the disabled person is lazy and/or wants to remain sick. Unless someone is specifically asking you for recommendations, this really should be off limits in conversation.

Mind over matter. The mind is capable of amazing things. We are aware of this. Our disabilities are not cured by positive thinking. Some of us may have already adopted our own strategies for being happy while dealing with chronic illness. It is a very individual experience and having an abelist tell us we are “choosing to be sick” is not as helpful as you think it is. Just don’t.

So what CAN you recommend?

Mobility aids and assistive devices. Not only is it actually helpful advice but it’s validating our experiences and shows us that you are comfortable with us showing our disabilities around you. Bonus points for really obscure, new or cool looking mobility aids especially if they are affordable!

Pain relief. Topical creams, ice packs, heating pads, braces, wraps, TENS, etc. Chances are we have already tried it but it shows us that you’re thinking about our pain and on the off chance it’s actually a good recommendation it could be a lifesaver and we will be forever grateful!

Small businesses run by people who belong to our communities (disabled, POC, LGBTQIA+, etc) Don’t try to compare our abilities to disabled business owners but it shows us you recognize we are a part of a community and that you might not be but that you are conscious of it and supportive. Buy from these shops for yourself to show your support or shop gifts for your chronically ill besties. Just be cautious about things that might be triggering to some. Some disabled people appreciate affirmations, “warrior” mentality, etc but others really don’t so choose wisely.

Accessible hobbies. Chronic illness makes it hard to commit to things. Period. We don’t know if we will have the physical ability to do an activity, the resources to do it or if our body will support scheduled activities when the time comes. It’s a huge challenge but that unpredictability can also be super conducive to picking up hobbies. Things that don’t require a ton of energy or scheduled classes. Things that can be picked up for a little bit when we are having a good day and put down when we aren’t feeling well. Most of us love to hear about your hobbies. It’s great to feel included in things when we are often cut off from people because we’ve been deemed “unreliable”. We are itching to talk about something fun with someone we care about. Something that isn’t related to our health or unmet expectations of us. So share your hobby. Share your second cousins neighbors hobby. Google some hobbies that could be fun for disabled people. It’s sure to be a fun conversation.

[thescrappyraccoon]

Hello, my sweet summer children.

My name is Skye and I’m new here. I am a late diagnosed AuDHDer with a permanent, progressive disabilities (rheumatoid arthritis and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome) and fibromyalgia. I am undiagnosed, but my doctor and I also suspect lupus and Matt cell activation syndrome. I’m a Complex trauma survivor healing my CPTSD. I’m an artist, a writer, and a single mom. I’m polyamorous and pagan. And my goal is to use this space so I can finish soft.

From my journal: Finish Strong

I haven’t been creating much lately. It’s hard to create when you feel like you’re under attack from every front, and I come up just often enough to grab a breath of air before I’m pulled back into the fray of being a disabled single mom, arrows of doctor’s appointments and attorney emails and school calls and tears. So many tears. So much heartbreak.

I’ve been grieving deeply…the death of my marriage, the loss of my health, my former clients and office, my work, my family who live away from here, the future I had envisioned, my life before so much was ripped from my hands. I have felt hopeless, like a failure, lost. My imagined future is gone; I’ve felt like I was losing myself too.

And not only that, but I’ve been grieving the world. Grieving what patriarchy, misogyny, racism, classism, greed, religion, colonization have stolen from all of us. Grieving the experiences shared in my own Bear vs Man post. Grieving how my children have to grow up in a world where some people believe they shouldn’t exist simply bc of who they love and their genders. Grieving a world that says I’m better off staying in an abusive marriage. Grieving a world that says my health issues make me worthless because I can’t “contribute to society.” Grieving the thousands of years of violence against one another and the Earth.

To keep from being pierced to death by it all, I wrapped myself in armor.

This morning when I woke up, I had a phrase running through my head, a part of me ready to examine it. The phrase was “Finish strong.” And I thought about how weak I feel. I’m exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally. Some days I barely have the strength to move from the bed to the bathroom and back to bed, the fatigue turning my limbs to jello.

Every time a new memory resurfaces (not uncommon after years of dissociating to self-protect), I fear this will be the thing that ends me. Bracing myself for what’s coming around the corner has left me bone tired, soul tired. I do not feel strong, no matter how many times people tell me I am. I don’t believe it, not when I know my own weakness.

But then I thought about the rest of the year, and what I can envision and hope for in the days ahead. I started thinking about what art I want to create. I started thinking about the garden my kids are planting, and all of the blooms on the tomato plants, each a promise. I started thinking about a concert I’m attending in August, a birthday gift from the dearest of friends. I started thinking about an event I’m planning for November. I started thinking about the music my brother is writing just down the hall, and how I can’t wait to hear the album. I started thinking about my new nibling and their big siblings. I started thinking about summer break and cherry limeades and ice cream cones. I started thinking about campfires and backyard parties. I started thinking about my morning cuppa, anticipating the steamy Earl grey.

In all of those visions I am still sick. In all of those visions I am still a single mom. In all of those visions I still live in a world where hatred screams so loud it’s deafening at times. But the difference is that in those visions, I don’t *have to be strong. I can just be soft. It doesn’t mean I don’t get up and dust myself off when I’m knocked on my ass for the tenth time today. It doesn’t mean I give up. It just means that I don’t have to armor up for *everything.

Sure, there are times when it’s simply unsafe to be my fully unmasked self. The world can be cruel, especially to sensitive souls. I used to be so ashamed of my sensitivity. Learning that I’m autistic and an ADHDer has helped me grow in self-compassion in this area. My neurotype takes in so much sensory information constantly; my nervous system is built for sensitivity. My soul is built for sensitivity.

Sensitivity is a gift, not a burden. And if it’s a gift, then it’s worthy of protecting. And not by armoring up, but when possible, stripping down to my softness, my vulnerability. Finding spaces where I can let down my guard and simply be my full, unfettered self. Surrounding myself with people who see and value my sensitivity rather than weaponize or manipulate it. Creating opportunities to be soft.

2024 has not gone the way I ever could have anticipated. I have experienced the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. I’ve been abandoned and fiercely loved. I’ve been harmed and staunchly protected. I’ve been heartbroken and fallen in love with life all over again. I’ve been lonely and held tightly. I’ve been hopeless and confident that my story doesn’t end here.

Instead of striving to “finish strong” Maybe it’s enough to simply “finish soft.” Maybe the real test in all of this is to keep my heart from turning to stone. Maybe the best measure of strength is whether I end 2024 differently than it began…weak maybe, but also soft. Maybe soft and strong aren’t such different concepts.

[axelars]

It’s kinda annoying because my (actual) diagnoses came during this “fad” of being traumatized and neurodivergent. So I feel like I annoy everyone when I talk about mine and that they don’t believe me/think I’m just looking for excuses/attention.

This is my story. Human names have been changed.

I am diagnosed Bipolar 2, ADHD, and Autistic.

I went my whole life undiagnosed of what was actually the reasons behind every single struggle I had, and there were, and continue to be ALOT. I talk about it so much because it’s a relief to understand myself now and to validate my experiences and start to heal and move forward. Since as long as I can remember, I felt out of place. Always a step behind everyone else and like I didn’t really belong anywhere. I was painfully shy. Speaking to people terrified me. I had frequent meltdowns and sensory issues that were brushed off as temper tantrums and being sensitive.

But I had friends. I had large friend groups I was a “part” of. I participated in team sports and dance. I maintained okay grades in school. I didn’t scream or meltdown in public. I didn’t stim or avoid eye contact (lol yes I did but had already learned to force it and my stims have always been low key). I didn’t have any “learning disabilities”.

Now I know the reason behind this is autism but it didn’t look the same as what everything knew it as, and girls especially learn to mask very fast and at a young age. And I did have learning disabilities. Auditory processing disorder is one. I mean I guess autism and adhd are learning disorders in themselves, but I don’t like calling them that. We just connect things differently and therefore learn, understand, and do things differently. But we’ve been told our whole lives we’re doing it wrong. We’re doing life wrong. But it becomes our normal so we think everyone feels like this.

Fast forward to high school. I’ve turned dark. My parents went through a really messy and toxic and abusive divorce when I was around 12. I’m 13/14 and I’m starting drinking, and smoke weed. This progresses to drinking heavily and often, and taking various pills. I’m diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder at 15. Medicated and things get better. I finish high school (still partying alot), go to University and do alright and kinda just party my way through it. I got off my meds cause I’m cured! Around 25 or so I start having panic attacks. I can’t leave my house. I go back on meds but as always am still apathetic about life. Panic attacks dissipate and I learn how to manage them when they do happen. Things are pretty good. I get my degree in geology, meet my then partner, John, get my masters degree and then a job. We have 2 dogs, one we got together and one I had previously, and 2 cats. It’s good for a bit and then I get bored and stop caring.

And then Covid hits. All routine and structure and societal need to socialize disappears. At first it was awesome. I could sleep in and working from home was nice. But then I got bored and started caring less and less about my work. I couldn’t focus, keep track of time or even days gone by, was experiencing executive dysfunction, sensory issues got worse, and much more. I now know this is ADHD and Autistic burnout.

I’m diagnosed with ADHD and do a bunch of medication trials. Nothing works. It makes me more apathetic and I don’t give a single fuck about anything at all. Even the one thing that brings me joy which is dog training. I realize my childhood was really abusive and traumatizing and I’d been normalizing it. So I start trying to heal from that.

My partner at the time was the only thing keeping me afloat (love you John) but it also took a huge toll on our relationship. We moved to the Yukon. I switched to a new company. I became even more depressed and move back to Alberta without him. I take all of the animals (2 cats and 2 dogs) because he’s on shift work. He gets super depressed without his Emma (dog) and finds a way to not be on shift work anymore so he can take care of her. So I send her back to him because they really did have the best bond, and she was born to be a wilderness dog. But this was heartbreaking for me. I get involved in an extremely emotionally abusive and manipulating and as I later find out, dangerous situationship. I’d known him for over a decade so I could trust him right? Dead fucking wrong but we will get into that later. John is still my best friend. I get a border collie puppy and she’s amazing. He gets involved in a relationship (also abusive) and cuts off communication with me. I finally get diagnosed bipolar 2 and and medicated for it. I learn my first manic episode was at age 19 when I decided to go to New Zealand for 2 months out of nowhere. I hate travelling. I barely remember the experience and I wasn’t drinking or doing drugs.

John gets himself out and we are best friends again. I couldn’t do life at this point without him.

Things are starting to make sense and get easier. I’m able to regulate my emotions better. I get myself out of that abusive situationship. I completely change careers and leave geology and the security along with it (it’s the best decision I’ve ever made). This change brings new meaning and purpose and joy to my life, but it also ends a years long friendship and my dog training community and support system.

Then my soul dog, Ernie, and the reason I’m a dog trainer gets bone cancer and dies. I reconnect with my previous friends from the training community (silver linings?).

My mom gets cancer which has spread and needs chemo. She’s starting her third set of treatments this week. The doctors are optimistic but she never tells us the whole truth about scary things. I’m scared but trying to be positive.

Then I find out the real truth about my situation-ship. Him and his friend have allegations of sexually assaulting women together. At least one his friend was charged for but they got dropped when she could no longer afford it. Our justice system sucks. Like how is that fucking possible. I learn of other attempted assaults or close call and just overall inappropriate disgusting behaviour. I learn of the other women. I speak to them and even befriend one. I learn he told us all the same stories that “he’s never shared with anyone before”, cooks the same meals, makes the same jokes, literally all the same things. This guy has zero conscience or personality and genuinely believes he is a good guy. He would always talk about what a good guy he is 🙄. Well he had me fooled and a trail of traumatized women before me. I learn he sent all of us at the same time pictures of his 2 year old niece. I’m disgusted by this because what human uses their toddler niece to gain trust from women. He’s despicable so I tell his sister in law.

Anyways I put that behind me and meet a really nice guy, Tyler. We have awesome chemistry and we get each other. But he’s in the dark place and can’t be what I need. I understand this because I’ve been there several times but it still really sucks. I’ve had a really hard time moving on.

Fuckface is back on the dating apps going by a different name. He’s so vile 🤮

My training business is picking up and I’m genuinely starting to be kinda happy. I can at least get more daily things done but it’s still a disaster. Still having a hard time missing Tyler but managing. Before bipolar meds I would have spiralled into my pit of despair.

A new dog comes into my life. She is an Olde English Bulldogge just like Ernie was and I sincerely believe he sent her to me. The week before I met her as a training client for a rescue I train with, I’d been feeling his presence a lot. I’m about to adopt her and I started a part time job at a canine physiotherapy clinic doing hydrotherapy. I love it. I get to see my best friend after 5 years and meet her little daughter.

So I think things are kinda progressively getting better with each setback. But frick can I just be done with everything needing to be a lesson?? I’ve got my PhD at this point.