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robinminustherichard · 6 months ago

Text

I Carry You With Every Breath I Take

Buck & Maddie focused, BuckTommy and Madney heavily mentioned.

Gen | No Warnings Apply

Summary: In an effort to be better to their living son, Buck’s parents had sent what could have been called his baby box if it wasn't so obvious that the wood was new and definitely not over thirty years old.

Buck and Tommy are expecting a baby; Buck's parent's attempt at righting a wrong shines a light on what Maddie had forgotten and what Buck never knew.

FULL STORY BELOW CUT

In an effort to be better to their living son, Buck’s parents had sent what could have been called his baby box if it wasn't so obvious that the wood was new and definitely not over thirty years old. Buck was surprised when he took the large package it had come in from the delivery woman's hands and immediately zeroed in on the small Phillip and Margret Buckley that began the return address line.

Settled in on the couch with the package open before him and the wooden box adorned laid out, Buck sighed. In the twenty minutes since sitting down Buck hadn't yet found the courage to open it. Holding off longer, he checked the cardboard package for a note and found one, along with something pink and velvety. Pulling both out, Buck saw that the pink thing was some sort of box as well, much smaller than the wooden one but almost familiar. When he moved the note off of it, he saw a gold, cursive ‘M’ stamped into the top, and his mind immediately supplied memories of the box and it's permanent place on Maddie's vanity growing up--her jewelry box.

With the package empty and everything out in front of him, Buck still couldn't open them. He sighed, set his shoulders, and stood up. He grabbed the empty package and moved to take it out to the garage, break it down, and recycle it. The items could wait until he had some back up.

Half an hour later, Buck was still stubbornly walking past the coffee table without looking down at its surface, tidying up the living room and definitely not wishing that Tommy could hurry up and come through the door even though he knew it would be another two hours before he was off shift and headed home.

He arranged their shoes more neatly in the rack by the door, grabbed a hoodie he had thrown onto the stair banister and took it to the laundry room, and took the clean clothes out of the dryer, into a basket, and up to their bedroom. He stood in the doorway of the yellow nursery next door, frowning at the way the new paint smell still lingered. He walked to the window and opened it, letting fresh air ruffle the curtains and air things out. While he stood at the window contemplating the next three small tasks he could dredge up to keep himself busy, he was surprised to see Maddie's car pull into their driveway.

Wasting no time, Buck headed quickly down the stairs to meet her at the door. When he opened it she was just making it to the porch stairs and she looked as surprised to see him as he was to see her.

“Buck! Hi! Did you hear my car?” She smiled at him, reaching for a hug.

Buck hugged her back, laughing quietly.

“Nah,” he told her, letting her go and gesturing her into the house. “I was opening the window in the nursery and saw you.”

Maddie perked up at that as she slipped her shoes off and set her purse down in the entryway.

“Oh! How's it coming? What paint color did you end up choosing?”

“It's good! We can check it out before you leave. It was a harsh battle between buttercup meadow and bumble breeze, but ultimately the council decided on bumble breeze. I do like it, I just wish the paint smell was gone already.”

Maddie laughed, following Buck down the hallway towards the living room.

“The council, huh?” She said, tone clearly and question.”

“Eddie, Chris, and Sal of course.” Buck told her, glancing back and chuckling. They came into the living room and Buck paused at the long console table that held Tommy's it's not hipster if I’m just old, Evan record player and the large bay window that bathed the living room in rich sunlight every evening. “In reality it was Eddie and Sal absolutely caving to Christopher's choice when he said ‘I think this would have made me happy as a baby’. As if his favorite color wasn't actually blue for years.”

Maddie laughed again, nodding. “Yeah, I think that would have gotten anyone.”

Buck nodded, letting the conversation lapse for a few seconds before being direct.

“Did you need something or--not, not that you can't just drop by or anything, you totally can but--”

Maddie grinned bringing a hand up to wave Buck's rambling off.

“No, I had gotten a call from Mom asking me to come over because, quote, “The FedEx is saying that my package for both of you got to Buck's house but I’m worried it will get stolen, Maddie. I've seen that on the news, you know”.” Maddie paused, taking a breath after an honestly passable imitation of their mother's voice. “So I told her I would come over. I would have told her that it was fine, you could handle getting a package, but honestly I didn't want you to get a call on your day off too. I need to pick Jee up from school in an hour and a half anyway, so I figured I would come over. Speaking of which--”

She pulled out her phone and typed out a text, sending it off with a firm press to the screen before she looked around.

“I'm telling Mom that you got it.” Here, she paused. “You did get it right? No one actually stole it?”

Buck laughed sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

“No, no. I even signed for it. I already tossed the box but you can see it for yourself, I haven't opened anything yet.”

Buck led Maddie over to the couch, and plopped down.

“Oh!” she exclaimed before joining him, hands immediately reaching for the pink box. “Oh, wow. My old jewelry box. I haven't thought about this in years.” She was grinning, running her fingers along the side of it and examining a little lock holding the lid closed that Buck hadn't noticed before.

Buck hummed, watching Maddie and trying not to look at his part of the package.

That, however, did not stop Maddie's eyes from leaving her box, skating over the note, and landing--then widening--over the wooden box.

“Oh.” She said again, less excited this time. “Is that--”

Buck let out a deep sigh, hand subconsciously reaching up to rub at his next.

“Yeah, um.” He swallowed “I-uh, I think it's supposed to be my Baby Box. Like the one they gave you before Jee was born.”

Unable to help himself, Buck laughed a little darkly.

“Of course, they definitely just got this one from pottery barn last week or something. So, it's not really a Baby Box. I guess it's a “you're thirty-seven and will have a baby soon, so here's something we managed to put together on the fly” box.”

He lost steam by the time he finished speaking, sighing again. Sometimes all he could do about his parents was sigh. He slumped backward into the couch and looked at Maddie, who was looking at the box with brows furrowed.

“I'm sorry, Buck. At least they're trying?”

Buck appreciated that Maddie was always trying to take the scraps of love his parents gave him and make a blanket out of it. Most days it was just a little too small, like it just couldn't cover him, but today he let it warm him. Be better for your kid, Buck. Move on if only for your kid.

He gave Maddie a small smile and let out a small, “Yeah, you're right.”

Maddie smiled at him, the way she always had when she knew she couldn't get them to be better parents, but she could get Buck to let it go for a little bit.

Buck sucked a breath in and sat up again.

“Well, uh, should we--should we read the note first?”

Maddie perked up and reached for it.

“Yes! The box came to your house, so why don't you read it?”

Buck nodded, taking the note and unfolding it.

“Buck,” he said, voice steadying out as he read, “we wanted to send you this box of memories from when you were a baby. You probably have noticed that this box is too new to have been bought all of those years ago--you always noticed things like that.”

At this, Buck felt himself tense, clearing his throat before continuing.

“And you're right, it is new. You already know that we made mistakes, and we can't make up for them. So, this box is not your baby box. But we hope--”

Buck felt his eyes sting, and he pressed his lips together.

“We hope that this can be your baby's box. Inside is another box for you to keep the pictures of you safe when you start to fill this one with all of the wonderful things you gather in your baby's life. You were a beautiful baby, and though we know you don't know yet who the father of your baby is, we can't help but hope that they look just like you did. Love, Mom and Dad.”

Buck paused here, pulling in a shaky breath. He jumped a bit when Maddie's hand rubbed his back soothingly. He had almost forgotten she was there.

“Hey,” Maddie said quietly, ducking down to catch Buck's eye from where he was still looking at the paper in front of him, the words swimming across the page. “It's okay, Buck.”

Buck nodded, sniffling hard and reaching a sleeve-clad fist up to rub at his eyes.

“Ye-yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. Thanks, Maddie.”

Buck looked at the paper again, seeing another line underneath the sign off.

“P.S.,” He read out again, voice only cracking a little. “Your baby's cousin is getting older. Please give the jewelry box also enclosed to Maddie so that Jee-Yun can see what her mom used to wear when she was that age.”

Maddie winced, sighing. “Yeah, thanks, Mom. I think the extra postage would have been worth keeping the moment a moment.”

Buck chuckled, folding the note back up and putting it back on the table, staring once again at the wooden box. He breathed steadily before looking at Maddie.

“Can uh, can we open yours first? I don't think I'm ready for mine.”

Maddie nodded, giving him a squeeze on the arm before reaching for the box.

“Well, we can do that if you've got a...tiny lock-picking kit? I think the reason I left this at home is because I lost the key to it a long time ago.”

She turned it left and right in her hands, pulling at the lid and frowning. Buck laughed, holding a hand out.

“That lock is like, 40 years old at this point. I think a screwdriver will take care of it.”

Maddie handed it over and Buck stood to take it into the kitchen. He reached into their junk drawer and grabbed a screw driver that wasn't good enough to keep in the garage, Evan, but not bad enough to throw it away, and set at the lock. Secretly, he hopped the lock and the screwdriver would break.

The lock popped open without much of a fight, and Buck looked at the intact screwdriver before rolling his eyes and putting it back into the drawer. He took the box back to Maddie and held it out to her.

“Thanks!”

Maddie opened the box, and with the lid open Buck could see an absolute riot of colors, plastic, and chains.

“Oh ho ho, wow.” Buck laughed as he sat back down, looking over into the box. “That is quite the collection.”

“Hey!” Maddie exclaimed, pretending to be offended. “I will have you know that all of this was the absolute height of fashion in the late nineties.”

Buck leveled a flat look at her and she cracked, laughing brightly.

“Yeah, you're right. It's kind of a mess.” she reached into the box, pulling a long necklace that looked like it was made of aquarium rocks and fishing line out of the pile and examining it. “But, she's not wrong. I think Jee is going to love this stuff.”

Buck nodded, knowing it was true based on the outfits that Jee had begun to put together for her days at school.

Maddie continued pulling things out, eventually grabbing the entire bottom tray and lifting it.

“If I remember, there's even a-” she paused, coaxing the tray out all of the way. “Yes! There's a little secret compartment.”

Buck watched in interest as a small ribbon loop appeared on one of the seams of the box. Maddie gripped it before looking up at Buck with a grin.

“What do we think pre-teen to teen Maddie hid in here? Love notes?” Maddie moved her eyebrows up and down and Buck laughed along.

“Knowing you it's probably just all of the A+ marks from all of your assignments.”

“What?!” She exclaimed, Mouth dropping open. “Come on, no way I was that boring.”

She looked back down on the ribbon and pulled, taking the false bottom out completely and revealing a small compartment that contained a few pieces of paper and a small, dark cylinder.

Maddie reached for the papers first, chuckling when they turned out to be two movie ticket stubs and an old game of M.A.S.H. on notebook paper. She turned the ticket stubs over in her hand and sighed.

“Andy Jensen.”

Buck raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to elaborate. “Uh, who?”

“Andy Jensen, my first movie date.”

Buck laughed, peaking at the tickets.

“Did he get you the big popcorn or was he cheap?”

“Oh, he was the perfect gentleman. The big popcorn and a box of raisinettes.”

Buck wrinkled his nose and scoffed.

“Raisinettes? Gross.”

“Hey!” She whacked Buck with the back of her hand that still held the tickets. “It's not like they ever took us to the movies so I didn't know.”

Buck allowed that one with a nod. He tilted his head at her and raised an eyebrow.

“How did you get them to let you go? You couldn't have been older than twelve.”

Maddie grinned, leaning in as if to share a secret.

“They thought I was at a speech and debate tournament.”

“What?! You lied to them and snuck around? You?”

Maddie laughed, her eyes closing as she did.

“Yes,” She looked at Buck seriously. “And that's the reason I only have two. I knew that there was no way I could get away with three.”

Evan laughed, shaking his head. “Now that I do believe.”

Maddie's laugh tapered out and she looked back down at the box. Her hand reached in for the last remaining thing, the cylinder.

“Is this--” she held it up to the light, “is this film?”

She twisted It around in her hands and shook it.

“It must be. Wow. Talk about a throwback. Are there even places that will still develop this?”

Buck looked at it thoughtfully. “Yeah, there's some specialty camera shops that will do it, I think.”

Maddie nodded, setting the canister down to the side and began to reassemble the jewelry box before closing its lid and looking to Buck, hands on her lap.

“Well,” she began, and Buck groaned, “It's your turn. Do you want me to open it?”

“No uh,” Buck licked his lips, nodding once to steel himself before reaching out for his box. “No, thanks though. I've got it, I think.”

Buck opened the box slowly and took in what he saw. Maddie leaned over so their arms were pressed together and she could see as well.

On top, covering the rest of the contents, was a yellow baby blanket folded neatly. The blanket was soft under his hands as he took it out and smoothed it over one thigh. He ran his fingers over one of it’'s stitched edges, wondering at the way the yellow almost, almost looked exactly like bumble breeze.

Buck forced himself to go back to the box, reaching in for the next thing he saw: a tiny beanie-style hat with a line of even tinier circus animals marching across the lip. He smiled at it, setting it on top of the blanket.

Next was a soft cotton bib whose color scheme just screamed early nineties, followed by two board books: Goodnight Moon and Where’s Spot?. Evan looked at both, unable to pull up even a hint of a memory of his parents reading either. But, Maddie reached over to grab both and started to coo over them.

“Oh, wow. You used to love this one.” She held up Where's Spot?, and Buck could see that one corner of the book was frayed and honestly looked chewed on. Maddie clocked his look and chuckled. “You really loved this one.”

She set the books on the coffee table for him and made a gesture to encourage him to continue.

Unsurprisingly, there isn't much more in the box. Buck feels a pang of disappointment that he thinks will always be there, and pushes on anyway.

He grabs for what he thinks is a stuffed animal first, though he doesn't know what color it's supposed to be and honestly he's not sure if it's a dog, a cat, or a very smooth sheep.

Maddie makes a noise as it comes out of the box, a cross between an exclamation and a sigh.

“Bingo.” she breathes, looking at the...rabbit?

“Excuse me?” Buck asks, confused.

Maddie shook herself and smiled.

“That's bingo, your dog. You used to take him everywhere with you. I completely forgot about him.”

Buck handed the dog --a dog? Really?--over to her, because even if she wasn't reaching for it he knew she wanted to hold it.

She smiled at him gratefully and ran her fingers over it's head.

“It was pretty cute, you used to sleep with him tucked in next to you. I thought you had lost him.”

Buck couldn't help but smile softly at her and try to remember the stuffed animal.

“He certainly looks like something that belonged to me.” Buck said, trying to bring her back around with a laugh. It worked, and she laughed quietly.

“Definitely. He's the reason I know how to sew, actually. You had caught his leg on a nail in the fence around mom's garden and cried and cried over it, thinking you had hurt him.”

Maddie gently turned bingo over and found his back leg which had a slightly wonky line of blue stitches on it.

“The next day I checked out a book on sewing from the library and snuck some thread and a needle out of mom's sewing kit. I stayed up half the night stabbing myself, but it was worth it when you said that he was “all better again” and thanked me.”

Maddie looked far away for a second before she closed her eyes, swallowed, and smiled up at him, handing bingo back.

“It was kind of insufferably adorable. If your kid is anything like it you're going to have a hard time not spoiling them.”

Buck took the attempt at levity for what it was and laughed with her. He already knew Tommy will fold at any little thing, so he needs to make sure one of them keeps it together.

Buck sets Bingo down gingerly and can't help but notice Maddie battling to not look at it further. He braced himself for the last item in the larger box; a smaller, more ornately carved box with brass corner pieces. He reached in to pull the smaller box out and held it over his lap, still holding the blanket, hat, and bib.

Buck was sure he had seen baby pictures of himself at some point, but he couldn't remember any, and this felt like the first time. Buck opened the box and stared down at a stack of pictures, not too many, just enough to fill out the bottom of the box.

Pulling the pictures out, he leaned into Maddie's space and she held the other side of the pictures lightly. The first was of an impossibly tiny baby with a pink birth mark on either side of one eyebrow, asleep in the hospital.

“Wow.” Buck breathed out almost involuntarily, grappling with seeing himself so small.

“I know,” Maddie said, pressing their shoulders together. “You were so tiny.”

Buck flipped to the next picture--it was Maddie, holding him in a hospital chair, grinning widely.

Maddie giggled a bit at the picture, surprised to see her own young face.

“I was so excited because I hadn't known Daniel as a baby, so when you were born I thought I was so grown up getting to hold you and help take care of you.”

Buck sighed softly, taking in the picture before flipping to the next.

The rest of the pictures were similar: baby Buck in a crib, baby Buck standing up in a play pen with a gummy smile, baby Buck being held by Maddie in the sunlight.

When he came back around to the first picture, Buck wasn't sure if he was happy to have the pictures in his hands or even more disappointed than before when he realized it was so few of them.

Maddie took the pictures out of his hand gently, placing them back into the smaller box and closing its lid, taking it from him with both hands and setting it on the coffee table.

Her arms wrapped around him and held tight; Buck just let it wash over him for a moment.

They were quiet, just taking it in and letting Buck's mind spin through a hundred thoughts before trusting himself to speak.

“Wow, that uh.” Buck swallowed hard, not sure where he was going. “Well. I'm, uh, I'm glad they sent the stuff. Really.”

“Buck--”

“No, really, Maddie. I am glad. And I've got this box for the baby, right? And this stuff--this blanket and the books, and Bingo.”

Buck forced a grin to stretch across his face before running a hand through his hair and lifting the other items off of his lap and back into the baby box. He continued speaking when he saw Maddie's worried look.

“Really, Maddie. I'm okay. This is a good thing.” He breathed deeply. “And your box too, huh? That's some fun stuff, Jee is really gonna love it.”

Maddie finally accepted Buck's diversions and nodded.

“You're right, this is a good thing, Buck.” Maddie sniffed a little and grabbed her box and the film canister that Buck had forgotten about. “And...I've got about 25 minutes to get to Jee's school or I'm going to be trapped in the pick up line forever. I’m sorry to run on you--when is Tommy off shift?”

Buck gave her a small smile and stood up with her as she checked her watch.

“Not long,” he told her, “He should be home within the hour and then we've got nursery furniture shopping with the council at 6.”

Maddie laughed, walking toward the front door.

“Well, I hope the council makes some good decisions. Or, well, Christopher at least.”

Buck grinned, following her and holding the door open as she got her shoes and bag, stuffing the pink box and canister into it and fishing out her keys.

“It's a good thing he has good taste. Honestly, I trust him more than Eddie and Sal.”

Maddie laughed, turning to Buck once more and putting a hand on his arm.

“I know this is hard, Buck. But I hope you know how special you've always been. And how nice it was for me to remember what those days were like.”

Buck softened, nodding.

“Yeah. Like I said. It's a good thing, right? New beginnings.”

Maddie smiled again before blinking and nodding determinedly.

“Okay, I'm off to pick up. Let's do dinner soon, okay? Soon enough you won't have nearly as much free time.”

“You got, Maddie. Just let me know the time and place.”

Maddie smiled once more before stepping down the stairs, getting into her car, and driving away. Buck waited until her car disappeared around the corner of the street before he went back inside.

Back in the living room, Buck sunk back into the couch feeling drained. He had about 40 minutes until Tommy was home, so he put everything Back into the baby box, tossed the note in the recycling, and looked around helplessly before realizing he should probably just leave the box there to be explained and dealt with later. At the very least, Tommy would love to see the pictures.

Time passed and Buck went back to his little tasks, closing the nursery window, switching the load of laundry from washer to dryer, emptying the bathroom trash. Finally, he heard the front door open and Tommy’s keys hit the console table.

“Evan?” He heard Tommy call out. “What's this?”

Buck knew he was talking about the box, and he prepared himself to go over the story again. At least he felt a little more solid this time around.

“It's from my parents,” Buck called back. “For the baby. I'll be right there.”

Three weeks passed from the day Buck got the package from his parents, and he had completely forgotten about the little mystery that was inadvertently included, until Maddie, Chimney, and Jee came over for dinner.

The dinner was smooth and casual, talking about the baby which would be coming very soon, about how excited Jee was for a cousin, making fun of Tommy for the mistake he and Eddie made by building the crib in the living room instead of the nursery and not realizing that their home didn't have the widest of doors.

Buck felt good, the closer they got to the due date. He felt settled in himself in so many ways that he hadn't before, felt like he was ready for this and all of the change it would bring to his life. Buck knew that he and Tommy had an entire family and support network with them and that their baby would grow up never questioning that they were loved, always warm in ways that Buck and Tommy didn't have.

As the night wound down, Buck was showing Maddie the finished nursery, the sun setting and casting a dreamy glow on the room, with its yellow walls and cream colored carpet. They found themselves sitting in the matching rocking chairs Buck and Tommy had been so insistent on, talking about sleeping arrangements, diaper disposal, and anything else that came to mind.

The conversation tapered off and Buck saw Maddie looking at the open closet, where the wooden baby box had sat untouched since Buck placed it there after going through its contents with Tommy.

“There was something else I wanted to show you,” Maddie said. “But I need you to bring the box downstairs.”

Buck looked at her curiously, but knew from the look on her face that she wouldn't be explaining further until he had complied. He nodded, and got up to get the box.

Maddie stood and met him at the door, gesturing for him to lead the way.

Downstairs, Tommy and Chim were talking quietly as they cleaned the kitchen post-dinner, and Jee had found her way to her favorite napping spot: the window seat in the breakfast nook, and was out like a light.

Like before, Buck found himself on the couch with Maddie; a box of all the things that made their lives complicated in front of them.

Maddie paused, and reached around the couch where her purse was set down upon their arrival.

“I found a specialty shop, and they charged me an arm and a leg, but they got that film that was in my jewelry box developed. I was able to pick it up today, and I wanted to go through the photos with you. I started to look at them earlier, but the first one told me what they were, and I wanted you to be here for the rest.”

Buck nodded, feeling like something was stuck in his throat, unable to speak louder than a whisper.

“Okay.”

Maddie pulled a paper envelope from her purse and slid it open, revealing a thick stack of photos.

The first was, at first, strange to Buck: a white hospital room, a bed with a yellow rectangle held up in front of it, two hands just visible gripping the top. To the side, a woman in a nurse's uniform looking at the rectangle and smiling softly.

“Is that--” Buck started, but Maddie put the photo down on the table to show the next one--the photo almost completely yellow, broken up only by a neat line of blue stitches, which, upon further inspection, slipped into three cursive letters before evening back out: an M, a D, and an E.

Buck understood now why Maddie wanted the box. He tore his eyes from the pictures and opened the baby box, pulling the blanket out of its fold and scanning along the seam until he found the letters; running his finger along them gently.

He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him suddenly, looking down at the delicate stitching.

“Maddie, Daniel, and Evan.” Buck breathed, touching each letter as he said the names. He held it out to Maddie for her to examine, and she did with shining eyes.

“The woman in the picture was his nurse, Sarah. She was so sweet--and she must have made this for him to give to you.”

Buck just breathed for a moment, unsure of what to do other than marvel at the blanket and photos.

“And,” Maddie began again, “there's more.”

Maddie began laying photos out, almost all of Daniel. But--they were about Buck.

Daniel holding the little hat with circus animals up with a grin.

Daniel, hand wrapped around an IV pole, standing on a chair to glance into a room which had a line of babies in bassinets in it.

Daniel, holding a drawing up in front of his chest that said “Welcome, Baby Evan!” in wonky kid font.

Daniel and Maddie with Bingo, looking new--and much more like a dog--in between them with a bow on its head.

Daniel, holding Buck, a look of wonder on his face.

Buck didn't know when he started crying, but he quickly wiped away a tear that fell on a photo of a drawing of a family with a little baby, with the initials “DB” written proudly in the corner.

Buck couldn't bring himself to look at Maddie; but couldn't continue looking at the photos without breaking into an all out sob.

“Buck,” Maddie said gently, reaching out to him with a tissue she must have produced in the magic way that Mom's can, and one more photo. “This one, out of all of them, is really for you.”

Buck took both, blocking out the world for just a moment by covering both eyes with the tissue and just trying to breathe. When he felt like he wasn't completely shaking apart anymore, he looked down at the photo that Maddie handed him. This one was different--there was no Daniel, no hospital, nothing but a note written in clear penmanship taking up the entire photo.

Buck took a rattling inhale and read the note out loud.

“Dear Evan,

My name is Sarah, and I was your brother Daniel’s nurse. Today, your brother learned that he won't be around to watch you grow up. He wanted me to write this note to you and make sure you get it some day. I'm taking a photo of it and giving the film to your sister. Daniel writes:

Hi Evan, my name is Daniel, and I was your brother. Nurse Sarah is helping me write to you because I am going to die soon, and I won't be there to be your big brother. I'm really sorry I have to leave, Evan, I think I really would have liked to be your brother. I don't think you'll remember me, so Nurse Sarah made you a blanket that says M, D, and E on it, so you always know that we were together. Also, she gave me a little hat that you can wear with some of my favorite animals on it, and she even bought a little dog at the hospital gift shop here and she's letting Maddie and I say it was a gift from us.

Maddie told me that you were born to try and help me get better, but I don't think that's very fair, because you're just a little baby and if the doctors can't help me, how could you? I'm really sick but that isn't your fault. If Maddie was telling the truth, I'm okay with being sick, because it means you got to be born.

I love you, Evan. You are the best little brother ever. Maddie is a good big sister, even if she is a little annoying sometimes, but she is gonna help you. I hope you get to grow up and have lots of fun, and have a good life. I hope you never get sick like me.

Nurse Sarah says that some day, after you have had a really good life, we will get to be together again and you will remember me then. I think that will be really nice, and I hope that I can be a good brother when that happens.

Love, Daniel”

Buck's voice tapered off, and he felt tears rolling hot down his cheeks, unending. He felt like he was shaking, like he was far away and too close all at once, like he was taken apart and told to start again.

He startled when he felt Maddie crash into his side, sobbing herself, hiccuping in breaths. Buck turned fully to envelop her, pressing his check against the top of her head and just trying to stay in one piece.

He doesn't know how long they stayed like that, but they finally broke apart when Chimney gathered the photos up to keep them safe in the envelope and Tommy was sliding into the couch behind Buck to support his body. Buck looked down, furiously scrubbing at his eyes with his shirt sleeve and gasping quietly. Tommy lifted his arm behind Buck and Buck fell into it gratefully; hoping that Tommy could take the burden of keeping him grounded just for a little bit.

Chimney finished putting the pictures away and kneeled before Maddie, talking quietly to her as she dabbed at her eyes with another tissue. They both nodded, and then looked over at Buck and Tommy.

“Well,” Chimney started, falling back to his talent for keeping things light, “who needs dessert when you have life-shifting catharsis to fill you up? It's late, and I think right now everyone needs to process for a little while. We're gonna get Jee and head home.”

Buck felt Tommy nod, but couldn't bring himself to look over or speak.

“Okay, Howie. Thanks for coming, guys.”

Chimney said something else, but Buck missed it completely and only really registered Maddie kissing him on his head before they made their way out into the warm August night.

Buck came back to himself in stops and starts, feeling dried out and exhausted. He moved finally and looked at Tommy, who looked calmly back at him and brushed the curls from Buck's forehead.

“Hi, Evan.” he said quietly, eyes roving over Buck’s face. “Do you want to go lay down, now?”

Buck nodded, scrubbing at his fast with tired hands before standing when Tommy did.

“I'm just gonna get you some water, you can head up if you like.”

Tommy stepped away and headed to the kitchen, but Buck was frozen, eyes drawn to the yellow blanket still out on the couch, where it ended up scrunched between him and Maddie.

Tommy came back with a glass of water in his hand and stopped, his other hand coming to rest on Buck's lower back.

“Evan?”

Buck's mouth opened but it took a moment for words to form.

“I...I had a brother. His name was Daniel. He died, but he loved me.”

Buck felt like something was unfurling within him, like a padlocked door was being opened at long last.

“He was so little, and he was so sick, and he knew he was going to die. But he loved me anyway.”

Tommy stayed quiet, letting Buck speak at his own pace.

“If it wasn't for Daniel, I wouldn't have been born. And what happened after was neither of our faults. And he tried so hard to make sure I knew that he loved me. In some ways, he succeeded. This blanket, the little dog, the hat. But in so many ways I might have never known.”

Buck takes one last heaving breath, feeling like he was breaking the surface of the ocean after holding his breath beneath the waves for too long.

“Growing up I felt like I could never figure it out, I could never be what I was supposed to be. But I think...I was just supposed to live. To live when he couldn't, and to know I was loved, even when I couldn't see it.”

Buck looked at Tommy, face determined.

“I don't want his love to go on being locked away, unknown...undeveloped for decades.”

Tommy bent down to sit the glass of water softly on the coffee table, then gathered Buck into his arms.

“I think,” he said slowly, speaking right by Buck’s ears, “that when that little girl is born next month, Danielle is going to be the perfect name.”

Buck sees it, through that opening door inside him. Sees a little girl wrapped in a yellow blanket, wrapped in love deferred, love anew, love unending.

He breathes, he settles, and he feels whole.

#buck and maddie buckley #daniel buckley #the buckley family dysfunctionalism #bucktommy #madney #saleddie if you squint #will clean this up and put it on A03 tomorrow #yall this came to me in a vision and I wrote it for 2 hours straight

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