#discussing trauma

[circular-jerkular]

I think for my first (actual) post on this blog, I really want to discuss just the concept of how my trauma impacts how I view sex. Most of this is going to go under a cut, just in case folks aren’t in a place right now to scroll through a huge long thing. I will put a TL;DR here though:

Basically, sexual trauma isn’t the only type of trauma that affects sexual relationships. All trauma can — and that’s not a bad thing. It’s just something you need to work through.

(Also if anyone has any notes what to tag this as, feel free to suggest)

The thing is, I’m a system with CSA trauma and COCSA. I have a difficult relationship with sex things because of that — but genuinely… I think there’s this idea that in order to have issues regarding sex as a traumatized person, that trauma has to come from sexual abuse.

This is absolutely not the case. The majority of my issues with sex aren’t relevant to my CSA experiences.

My trauma was caused very much by an environment where I felt I couldn’t speak up. I couldn’t voice my own feelings or desires; I had to solely focus on the feelings of those around me, and regulate them. I had to make certain that every single action of mine was to either appease others, or lessen the blow of something I couldn’t change. Every single moment of my life was dedicated to other people’s happiness.

So, when it came to my sex life, once I finally dived in, I had no idea how to consent. I had no idea how to voice my desires or wants. I had no idea how to set boundaries or say no.

Oh, I certainly knew the CONCEPT — I’d been reading BDSM fics since I was 14, and I had researched consent extensively. I knew that consent is something that comes and goes and can be retracted at any time, and that setting boundaries is part of a healthy relationship. The issue was… I couldn’t seem to bring myself to do it. When my partner asked me if something was okay, my default answer was “I don’t care, just fuck me” — because why would it matter if it was okay? I’m with them, and if they’re asking, it would make them happy, which would make me happy. Right? That’s how it’s supposed to work!

It took a very, very, VERY long time to get to where I am now. I still struggle some with consent, but we’ve worked out our own methods of communication before, during, and after that help work for us, and extensive conversations about trauma and consent. Obviously, my CSA/COCSA impact things (how could they not?) but I feel like everything else impacts it too.

The biggest thing to remember is… that’s okay? That’s absolutely okay. It makes things harder sometimes, sure, but everything about this disorder does. There’s no shame in needing to work through boundaries and consent, though. There’s no shame in having to learn. There’s no shame in being traumatized. You’ll find some, I’m sure, but… it’s a neutral thing. Not a bad thing.

And, if you find the right partner? It’ll actually be hotter that way, cause fun fact, safe consensual sex is a lot hotter than unsafe unconsensual sex. Just saying!

[antvnger]

How do you manage to talk about the traumatic things that've happened to you without getting emotional or crying? I always found that hard and I usually get choked up. My throat pretty much clogs. It's weird and I hate it but all I can really do is laugh about it, you know?

Yeah, I totally get it, Anon. It’s taken a lot of practice and work - and if I’m being 100% honest, some therapy - but I can now talk about such things without like coming undone by it. 

Sooo I do have some tips I’ve learned that can hopefully help you, Anon.

Rehearse/roleplay conversations about the trauma out loud, either by yourself or with someone you trust. The out loud part is key here. It has to be out loud. Practicing it can help reduce the effects any triggering words can have on you. It allows you to envision delivering your message without the intense emotions derailing you.

If you know a conversation is coming like way ahead of time, prepare for it in other ways like making sure you get enough sleep and food to eat. Being hangry and sleepy makes things worse.

Find a good, safe space to have the conversation. Is there a place you feel more at ease than other places? It’s better to talk about the trauma there than somewhere that makes you uncomfortable.

Know what triggers your tears. Get specific about the parts of the conversation you’re going to have, even specific word phrases, that you foresee making you want to cry ahead of time when you’re calm, and you’ll be able to look at the situation more objectively.

Hope this helps, Anon.

[bluerosefox]

You know what.

ANOTHER DPxDC idea (as if I write prompts for anything else lol ✍(◔◡◔)

And once again, I think I might have a hyperfixation rn, another deaged Dani (Ellie) and Dan (Dante)! and Dad!Danny.

And you know what, lets make it another DannyxConner idea.

Danny is on a field trip with his class (NOT in Gotham though, LOVE Gotham but lets go with a different city) in like Central City or Metropolis (If Metropolis, Danny is SUPER excited to see the space sections they have at the museum they no doubt have, because well SUPERMAN is an alien and based in their city. If in Central City Conner is visiting Bart.)

During the trip he bumps into Conner and the two just hit it off. Conner enjoys listening to Danny rant about space and the stars and finds watching Danny's eyes light up in joy kinda cute. And if he got his new hero name Supernova from listening to Danny's rants about the stars well... no one needs to know how he got it.

Danny likes how chill Conner is and how the guy stood against Dash and the other jocks when Dash decided he wanted to mess with Danny during the trip, a rare thing nowadays but sometimes Dash does try, and how he respects/likes Danny's friends.

He didn't even say anything negative or hurtful when he found out Danny has two kids back home.

In the end the two exchange numbers, flirt hard, and maybe set up a date in the future. And then more dates. Becoming boyfriends. AND meeting the family. Conner is smitten with just out of toddlerhood Ellie and toddler Dante and adores them. And he loves how the Fentons just love him the moment he stepped into their house and was introduced as Danny's boyfriend, he made sure to bring over a pie Ma should him how to make.

Things get a bit complicated when Conner, Supernova, is at a reunion of YJ members and his phone lights up with a text message from Danny.

He's smiling with a goofy/soft look when he opens the text and see's its a picture of Danny holding a pouting toddler Dante and Ellie on his lap smiling with a notable gap in her teeth at the camera. The message he got was 'Ellie wanted you to know she finally lost her first baby tooth. Dan's been grumpier, I think he misses you.'

He is pulled out of his happy thoughts and musings when he hears Bart gasp hard and drop a bowl of snacks onto the floor. Conner turns to from the future Speedster and see's him about to have a panic attack.

Bart, Impulse, is having a freak out after catching a glimpse of the text picture Conner had gotten and being nosy wanted to know what got his friend to smile so smitten. He knew of Conner's current boyfriend and the kids Conner adores but haven't had time to be introduced to them or even see a pic.

He wasn't expecting to see the very MONSTER of his NIGHTMARES that basically destroyed the world in the FUTURE as a toddler pouting at a camera and surrounded by two smiling identical looking people either. People he never saw in the future or with HIM AND-

Oh.... OH!

Was that why he turned evil? Did something happen to his family?

[idliketobeatree]

dead boy detectives characters as art objects and sculptures

edwin payne

author: glen martin taylor charles rowland

author: robert hudson

crystal palace

author: glen martin taylor

niko sasaki

author: justin cloud monty finch

author: anders krisár esther finch

author: magdalena abakanowicz the cat king

author: toshihiko bito jenny the butcher

author: emmanuelle dupont the night nurse

author: elizabeth turk

[extended version with notes]

[afterthelambs]

i adore Maruki as a character because he's simultaneously the most relatable depressing character that will make you cry with empathy, and the goofiest wettest cat loser in the game like what do you mean youre a licensed therapist and your first response to trauma is to brainwash a girl, project ur relationship issues onto a 17 yr old boy, and then rule the world in a golden leotard? bro went from 0 to 100 so fast??? anyway he's like 30% of the reason why p5r works as well as it does

[inkwyvern]

I know we've seen the moment Blitzø decided to adopt Loona, but I want to see the moment Loona found out she was getting adopted. The moment she met Blitzø.

The first few agonising months where Blitzø didn't know how to be a dad, and Loona didn't know how to have a dad.

The awkward days of her avoiding him in the apartment, trying to figure out what exactly his goal was. Because why would he possibly want to adopt her?

And Blitzø avoiding her too, wanting to be the dad he never had growing up but having no idea how to start.

I want to see the moment Loona realises that Blitzø has been sleeping on the couch ever since she met him. She'd never noticed, because he's usually passed out on the couch before he can get to a bed most nights, but Blitzø doesn't have a bedroom. And her room's walls suddenly seem so freshly painted.

And then, I want to see the moment Loona fucks up. And when she completely expects him to send her back to the pound, Blitzø comforts her. In his awkward, doesn't-know-how-to-talk-about-emotions way, but still.

And after that, things get better. They find their own, strange rhythm. And slowly, together, they begin to heal.

[dolleriumfluffle]

I just desperately want more recognition of traumagenic experiences that lie outside of the usual "childhood abuse" assumption that everyone forces on that label. what about trauma from bullying? what about trauma from undiagnosed illnesses? what about trauma from queer experiences like transphobia? what about trauma from medical experiences like surgeries, hospitalizations, psych wards, and other areas where the medical field failed you? what about trauma from eating disorders? what about trauma from racism?

there are so many experiences that can fall under traumagenic, but are yet swept under a rug in favor of a strict, stereotypical narrative that's easier to comprehend. I think we as a community need to make an active effort to expand our understanding of traumagenic, especially where it may overlap with experiences traditionally considered endogenic, and understand that trauma can come in so many different forms. so often people are shunned for trying to create roles and labels that describe their specific traumagenic experiences, and I don't understand why. there can be no progress towards acceptance for all systems if we don't accept that traumagenic is an umbrella label too.

[bread-wizards]

I actually think Dorian and Orym should fight more.

Remember when their slowly building tension over and entire episode (full of passive aggressive remarks and blame throwing) led to threats? And how after, Orym thanked Dorian for handing over the crown sadly because he knew Dorian would be mad at him? And Dorian couldn't even look at him because he was legitimately hurt, thinking Orym was disappointed in him for doing what he thought was right? That was peak.

The fact they went from that to their current closeness and trust is the best part of their entire dynamic. Their relationship was hard fought and still will be. They will fight for it because they respect and care for one another deeply, and their disagreements don't change that, only improve it.

[hopeinthebox]

bts + reductress headlines pt.12

[teapetal44]

TW: ABUSE, CHILD ABUSE

“He wants to air this dirty laundry to the world does he…? Dabi, you fiend…you’ve been waiting for this moment…when they couldn’t prevent mass destruction…and faith in heroes is wavering.” - chapter 292

I truly, wholeheartedly, believe that MHA as a story upholds the myth of the perfect victim. I do not want to discuss if Horikoshi did that on purpose, or subconsciously because of inner bias – I find no meaning in doing so. For me the execution of an idea, in the grand scheme of the narrative, holds more value than the intention of the author. I’ve also had my fair share of people infantilizing Asian authors in the anime community for their poor writing decisions for one lifetime. It’s patronizing to both the author and the people reading it. Whether or not Horikoshi intended for his themes of abuse to paint the picture they did does not matter, because that’s how it reads as.

MHA puts victims of abuse in narrow boxes and softly dictates what’s an acceptable reaction to said abuse. Victims are continuously walking a tightrope between being deserving of compassion and sympathy and being unredeemable monsters who are too far gone and are only good for martyrdom after being put down.  

Eri fits the clean cut depiction of abuse victims that media usually gears towards. She is untouched by the cruelty around her - she preserves her innocence and kindness. She isn't assertive, but rather meek and passive. She doesn't fight back with force. And when offered help, she is receptive to it. That is not to say that Eri's depiction doesn't have a place in fiction, or that her portrayal can't be representative of the experiences of some - as we all deal with trauma and the inhumanity people throw at us differently. We see the same thing in the portrayal of Fuyumi, who shares many of the qualities discussed above. The same thing applies to her - i personally love the idea of all the siblings having different reaction to their childhood trauma and abuse. It shows that victims are not some type of monolith.

But the narrative treats the "forgiving" or "receptive to help/support" victims of abuse with more grace and with much more kindness. if you are willing to forgive, or the very least be quietly tolerant, the story grants you a happy ending. Forgiveness isn't a bad thing, it is an individual choice - but an abuse victim shouldn't have to do it for them to have a happy ending.

In a vacuum Eri and Fuyumi's character arcs and depictions of abuse are good but it becomes a problem when that's the only experience and type of victim we ever hold in high value or recognize as valid and deserving of compassion. Which the story reinforces.

Touya and Tenko's backstories aren't pretty nor comfortable or easy to sit through. Their responses to abuse aren't either. Reactive abuse is very much real.

[littlefeltsparrow]

For Sarah J Maas, it isn’t enough to just have Feyre and Rhysand be traumatized, she must emphasize that they have suffered the MOST and that they are the MOST traumatized (yet they oh-so-nobly rise above it).

Her idea of virtue is characters suffering and being traumatized, conveniently showing few signs of that trauma, and then giving them an air of superiority because other characters are “not trying” or haven’t suffered as much as they have. It’s almost like a competition, which in turn makes the character interactions feel hollow and removes any potential substance from in-text discussions about trauma.

[anonymouspuzzler]

realized i should put my shipwrecked 64 art Literally Anywhere But Frankenbugs Server (btw watch bugs n frankie's shipwrecked playthrough it's good)

[rustedhills]

Disney, releasing Wish: "so it's all about legacy--the new generation surpassing the old, overcoming the evils perpetuated by them, relinquishing singular power... and there's an old man in a tower, uh... animal sidekick, i guess..., ah... magic...?

Miyazaki, just out of frame, sledgehammer raised:

[rainhadaenerys]

Unpopular opinion, but I really do not see Dany as this "oh so tragic" and "oh so full of trauma" character. She has bad things happen to her like every other ASOIAF character, but she isn't really super traumatized or unable to deal with what happens in her life, and the tone of her story isn't really one of tragedy: on the contrary, her story is full of her overcoming hardships. It's full of triumphs. Even the low point she hits at the end of ADWD is just setting up her journey to finally crush the slavers and become the Stallion who Mounts the World. And then when she goes to Westeros, she will be one of the people to defeat the Others.

I find it a little bit annoying when I see people reading her character purely through the lens of "oh she suffered to much, she was raped by her husband, she was abused by her brother, she doesn't have a home, she is so tragic, etc" (I'm not saying people can't discuss these topics, by the way, I'm just saying that it annoys me when this is the ONLY thing people talk about when it comes to Dany). First, because this isn't the majority of her story, this is mostly part of her early story or backstory, and the main part of her story are the things she does after that, her triumphs and hardships trying to lead her people, fight a war, fight the status quo, and so on. It's a little annoying to see a character who has such a great complex political and magical storyline, a great adventure, all be reduced to "she is just an abused girl who suffered", with all other aspects of her story being ignored. But most importantly, I think this reading of Dany as this tragic character, by Dany stans and Dany haters alike, gives fuel to a bunch of other annoying readings of her character: the neutrals use the "oh so tragic" narrative to argue that her story has to end with her dying and she has nothing else to contribute to the main story other than sacrificing herself and be a tragic hero. Meanwhile, the antis use the "oh so tragic" narrative to claim that they sympathize with Dany, but her trauma is going to make her crazy, paranoid, a villain, etc. Or, when they don't say that her trauma is going to make her a villain, they claim that she was always a villain and use her "trauma" to claim that they sympathize with her and that her "trauma" makes her such a complex villain.

[fireladybuckley]

I can’t believe a boyfriend made a silly sex joke to lighten the mood after both partners had a moment of vulnerability. The audacity. The horror. The normalcy! Unbelievable. How dare a conversation about feelings turn to levity. How dare a couple have a light chat about trauma-related things over dinner that doesn’t turn into an incredibly deep heart to heart instead of a joke and moving on. Unbelievable. I’m never watching this show again! 👎🏻

[serial-unaliver]

accidentally clicked on "send message" and saw this. how accurately is tumblr describing your blog

HELLO?