#mom trauma

[triaelf9]

Just a lil post about Taash and how I'm feeling about how ppl are reacting to them as someone who relates to them very strongly not only on the gender journey front, but also on the mom-issues front.

Cut for length b/c of course this won't actually be a "little" post lol

So I hear a lot of "Taash is too young" "Taash acts like a child" "Taash is too brash" "Taash has wildly binary views of the world" "Taash is thinks their reality is the world's reality" etc etc etc

And I'm here to say that as someone who realized that non-binary was a thing later in life, grew up trying to be them, but society was not only unwelcoming to that, but openly hostile at points, with a mom who had totally different interests, who very much wanted to protect them from the outside world to a point where it left them unprepared to deal with nuances of the world, etc, a mom who thought they were "just doing their best" but was never meant to be a mom, and never wanted to be a mom, didn't have the tools for mom-hood, who wanted to protect their child, but had no real idea how, and how every comment turned into the mom trying to steer her kid the right way, but just came out as a dig or a "you're not good enough" remark, AND looking after your mom in a world that is wholly unsuited to her, that she can't really adapt to and fit into, and kinda becoming her mom to a point so that your life completely revolves around her until you leave home?

Yeah. I get Taash. It's actually kinda freaky how, fantasy elements aside, I get Taash on a frightening level. (aside from the dragon stuff, we're both the same with that HELL YEAH DRAGONS)

Taash doesn't read young to me because I've always read young because of how I was raised. I didn't get the chance to figure myself out until I left home. I also had the benefit of being able to leave for college at a younger age, and got a chance to experience things away from my mom earlier. But seeing things in such a binary way, that's how it is when you're protected like that.

You don't want to admit how similar you are to how your mom sees the world, b/c she sees it in one way, and as you go through life, you get to learn differently. You come out of this situation INCREDIBLY judgmental at first. Why aren't THESE things conforming to MY reality. You come across as brash and childish. And when you get treated as such, it's triggering b/c that's how your mom treats you.

You hate how you look, you think you look like a freak b/c your mom is constantly commenting on your appearance. She does it out of love (she wants you to be healthy & not mocked by your peers) but she doesn't consider that constantly telling you not to look a certain way does damage. My self confidence only recovered in my thirties. I'm 4 days from my 38th birthday, and it took getting pregnant to finally be like "you know what, I don't hate myself & my body" which is MASSIVE for me.

So where do we get our self confidence? In things we enjoy, in hyperfocuses that we're good at. For me that's comics, naginata, fantasy & DA lore lol XD For Taash it's dragons, fighting, and working out. And when we falter there, it's devastating b/c it's the only way we can feel good about ourselves b/c our SELVES are disconnected and tucked away b/c they make us feel bad.

So I totally get how Taash reads to people. The autism aspects are more like my wife (who is autistic & has issues with social cues, while I'm HYPER AWARE of social stuff which fuels my anxiety b/c of the type of person my mom was and how I had to look after her), but I get it.

But it makes me sad when I hear people dunk on Taash as "bad writing" and "unrealistic" and "annoying" and it's like...is that how you see people like that? Is that how you see me and people like my wife? I feel like people aren't willing to look deeper so often (an issue with all the companions tbh & some day I'll have to get into my Davrin feels b/c BOY do I have them. Neve too, WHOOF) but I feel like if you do that in a game, I hope you don't do that irl.

anyway TLDR this is a Taash defense post b/c while they have a lot of issues, stuff they need to work out & have wrong opinions on stuff, they're growing, they're learning & they have to do it later than most. They're an incredibly complicated character with tons of nuance, and I can't wait to get deeper into their story and banter with companions in round 2 of my playthroughs, and then again in round 3

Sorry this is too long, and I'm sure not all of this was intended when they were written, but this is how it all clicked with me as someone who has lived a large portion of that stuff. Like, again, I'm nearly fucking FOURTY and I don't feel like I should be there yet b/c I started so far back. It ALSO doesn't help that ADHD wild child I was, I was held back in preschool b/c neurodivergence also makes a kid read younger, AND the choice to have me be the youngest in the class would have been a very bad one. So I'm older than most of my peers BUT I've always read younger, felt younger, and have had a sore spot when it comes to all that.

Thank you for coming to my Taash Talk, I'll be here all week to think about more stuff, including how their body makes them read as lady, and they're not sure how to feel about that, but they don't want to CHANGE it, but is it right?

ANYWHO this is why Taash is a fascinating character & deserves better than to be regulated to "annoying kid"

[iridescentmemoria]

[bottled-cherry-wine]

I used to miss my mother everyday. I often thought about messaging or calling her, no matter if we would talk about the past or not. I would've let her off the hook again just to have a mom in my life. Some nights I would miss her so much I cried until I threw up.

Once the grieving period was over, the feeling that replaced it wasn't calm or content. All I have left of her is rage. So much anger I don't know where to put it. Part of me still wants to call her, but not out of sadness or hope. I want to yell at her until my throat hurts and I'm gasping for air. I want her to feel at least a fraction of the pain she put me through.

[lionsandladybugs5]

Ughhh I’ve been crying all morning about arcane but the part I can’t let go or get out is how good a mother powder/jinx is. She has the standard child trauma and personal limitations that create a very loving and safe home. Her fatal flaw is family and it always will be, as shown over and over with Vander and Vi. She has no trouble expanding herself when presented with someone in more need than herself, or shutting everyone out to maintain a semblance of safety. But with Isha, she was forced outside of her own trauma in an attempt to limit the amount Isha would experience. In another life, in another time line, she would be the best mother.

[words-i-think]

Don’t look at me,

Unless you are going to love me.

Don’t say my name so sweetly,

Unless you are going to hold me.

Don’t feed me poison,

Unless you are going to kill me.

Please leave me to return to dust.

I fear to be in your gaze.

[copperkudzueye]

The hardest part of growing up is realizing that your emotionally abusive mom possibly never cared for you and only did so because she felt obliged to. Or maybe she gets some sort of ego trip because she ‘cares’ for you. Then having to realize that you may have traits that rubbed off on you so you have to find them and grow out of them or whatever.

Blegh yucky !! My brain is mush

[letteriwillneversend]

[celestialautifutch]

google how to present as a gender that would give my mother a heart attack

[underworld-skies]

Thanks to my already crushing overwhelming episode where I'm angry and want to break everything constantly. I want to die already because I can't stop playing all things said last week. But now I also have to sit with the realization my mother never liked me and she has only seen me as a burden...she's the only parent I had left that I believed loved me...I'm living with her I've been living with her on and off since I was 13 because growing up she made me feel loved and wanted. Everytime I leave she acts like it's the end of the world. But did she just want me to use against the family? Did she just want me around to use me to help her with bills? Why am I never enough for her? Why can't she love me? I just ..... fuck

I'm tired of this

[restarting-over]

[I.D/a digital collage over a photo of sidney and his sibling. it reads "i'm sorry i'm not your holy son", with different lettering spelling out each word./end I.D]

this is okay to reblog, i just wanted to vent and i feel like this one was pretty.

[cherryredmistakes]

How I look complaining about how awful the trauma responses I have every single fucking day and how they make me feel suicidal and having breakdowns at least once a week because of my trauma to the people that have me said trauma :

[furthestexit]

i wish my mom gave me more attention and loved me more. i cant say i’m not grateful for her working so hard just to keep me alive but i don’t think it’s selfish for her to just treat me like she loves me instead of saying feeding me and keeping me was alive. it makes me think, maybe i’m not loveable enough for her to tell me more reasons for why she loves me. maybe that’s why she doesn’t bother spending time with me. maybe that’s why she doesn’t like me. i wish i was immature and selfish enough to make a big mess of myself and scream “look at me. look at how shitty i am. this is your son. your daughter. your child. this is me.” i wish i was brave enough to yell at her and cry at her hoping she’d hold me and tell me it’s ok. i wish i was able to talk to her instead of sitting at the dinner table and hoping she asks if i’m hungry. if im having trouble. if i’ve been okay recently. i want her to pay attention and notice me. i want to scream “look at how messed up i am. i cant even eat properly because of you. i cant do basic life tasks. i cant keep myself alive. i cant be independent. it’s all your fault. it’s all your fault i’m not good enough.” and have her listen and tell me she’s sorry. i want to be able to tell her the reason i haven’t been eating is because of her and that she could’ve prevented it. i hate it when she says things that are burned into my memory or acts like i should know how to do something and get mad at me when i don’t even though she’s never taught me ever. i don’t know how i’m supposed to learn how to be independent from youtube tutorials alone. i wish i was better. i wish i was good enough. good enough for you to tell me that you love me and mean it.

i love you mum, and i can never be more grateful for the sacrifices you have made for me. i remember seeing you cry as a kid, i rememebr you talking about your struggles, you doing your best to keep me happy. you were an amazing mum and you did your best but it wasn’t enough for me and i wish it was. i wish i was normal. i wish i could do this shit. i wish i could stop feeling sad about you because you’re my mum and you’ve done so much for me. i can feel your phantom fingers on my body and i can hear your voice telling me i’m fat and ugly and need to lose weight. i can remember you telling me that i’m ugly and i need tk grow out my hair and stop trying to look like a boy. i can remember you looking at me before we went out and your eyes on my body with a disappointed look. like you wish you did better. like you wish you had a better child. someone more feminine, more pretty, more skinny. anyone but me. i want to fuck things up. i want to fuck myself up and make you pay attention. i wanna get so skinny you finally admit i’m good enough, bones and all. i want you to tell me you’re worried abs you want to help. i want so much from you that you’ll never provide me.

i wish i could say i hated you. i wish i could say i can forget it all and be your perfect daughter again that you love with all your heart. i wish. i remember the bad parts and that shoudlve been enough because the way it still stings years later, much after 9 years old, is telling enough. but i also remember you sitting next to me in bed when i was scared to sleep. i remember you holding me during a breakdown. i remember you making me my favourite lunches and knowing exactly what i like. i remember you taking care of me. you’re such a hardworking mother. i cant deny that. but you also hurt me when i was small, and that will never change. no matter how much time passes, i still feel that sting when i look at you.

[hoomanityisavirus]

Anyone else completely unfamiliar with this protective experience with their mom? No…? Just me? HOkay illseemyselfout.

[fox-stuck]

Unhinged youtube video idea where I react to a recording of a phone call where my mom does her full abusive spiral 3 times in under 2 hours while I fix my makeup.

I frame it exactly as a reaction video: there’s commentary over it, face cam of me in the bottom, I open it with like “what’s up everyone today we’re doing something a little different!”, we pause throughout and it has multiple mid roll ads, we are giggling through out and there is a bingo card in the description

[words-i-think]

I am not the prodigal son

Nor the favored son

Nor a son

Nor a daughter

I am deemed the enemy by my blood

And I am deemed salvageable by God’s word

But I am loved by the Devil and his sinners

[cheesy-cheddar-sadness]

the bones of this house are frail and hollow, the marrow long gone. Columns of bone, brittle and sharp, hold together a strong foundation to the untrained eye.

the meat of this house is rotten, the organs long sold to cover the debt of the ancestors before me, stripped bare and skinned alive, limbs stretched wide holding desperately to anything they can hold together, to make a semblance of self.

the blood of this house is tainted, borne of anger, lies, and misery where rejoice once lived. wolves tear blood from the throat of their own. from the wounds it pours to the ground, staining with every step forward, a thousand reminders of the past.

this house is borne of sickness and betrayal to self. borne of hatred and longing for better.

i long to be borne of something different