words-i-think

[words-i-think]

I am not the prodigal son

Nor the favored son

Nor a son

Nor a daughter

I am deemed the enemy by my blood

And I am deemed salvageable by God’s word

But I am loved by the Devil and his sinners

[words-i-think]

I want to fall apart but it’s 6am in Arizona

I want to cry to wind but it’s 50 degrees in Arizona

I want to wrap myself in sorrow and rip my skin but it’s going to be sunny in Arizona

[words-i-think]

Dear Summer,

You are heat, and blood, and violence.

You are every bold action

And every blazing color.

You smell metallic and salty like sweat.

You are the actions that Fall regrets,

And you are the dreams Spring keeps.

You are energy that Winter stores.

How brash and brazen you feel.

How killer are your instincts.

How murderous your intent.

Oh Summer, I fear your dawning and rejoice your death.

[words-i-think]

You’ve rewritten me…

[words-i-think]

You are the only person who I would allow to cut me.

You would brandish your dagger, clean and sharp.

You would slice from my chest to my naval.

Reach inside the wound so uncaringly and rip the intestines from their home.

You would lay out the gore for all to see. The blood pooling and staining the soil.

And I would let you.

My arms would be open so your attack may cleanly hit.

I would hold myself still as you sliced deeply into me.

And I would guide your hand as you pulled out my innards.

I wouldn’t dare attempt to close the wound as my blood fertilized the ground beneath us.

I would simply stare at you, at the mess you made, and fall deeper in love.

I trust your actions have a just intent.

I trust your ugly, brutish tearing of my insides were with the purpose of pulling out some invisible sickness that was rooted in me.

I trust you will stitch me back together.

You will nurse me.

You will tend to me.

You will love me.

And with that soil, fertilized by my blood brought by your hand, we will grow a garden.

That we tend to together.

And trust that we have birthed something beautiful.

[words-i-think]

I don’t hear many people described as kind anymore…

Maybe it’s fallen out of our vocabulary as we search for ourselves.

Maybe kindness was a luxury.

Maybe generosity only comes with the good times.

Truly I don’t have bandwidth to be kind.

(Maybe that’s a lie.)

It might just be I’m in my own head too much to notice others. To stop and reach out a hand.

… still maybe I’ll practice kindness so that our future generations won’t think that they discovered it.

[words-i-think]

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

It’s not a statement-

it’s a prayer.

[words-i-think]

I wish I was better.

I wish I could put my wanton desires aside.

I wish I could pull myself from this horrid life I lead.

I wish I could make my actions with reason.

I wish I could change the memories that put me here.

I wish I could rip away the atoms in my skin.

I wish for a lot of things I guess.

I wish I could be better.

I wish I could be better for you.

But I am not.

So please don’t make it any worse.

[words-i-think]

Intoxicated again.

Never enough for it to be a problem.

I just wish it was a problem.

[words-i-think]

I can walk down the street alone.

I can hold my head high.

I can puff my chest and take strong strides.

But it’s all false without you by my side.

I miss your hand when it isn’t in mine.

I don’t *need* you

But god is it easier when you’re there.

[words-i-think]

“Do you have to go?”

I can’t stay.

Not like this.

Not when my dad is dead and my tea is cold.

[words-i-think]

Did Atlas ever get used to the weight of the world?

Did he find it comforting as it rested on his shoulders?

Did it calm his fears as it crushed his chest?

Did the steady movement, like breathing, make him think it was worth the weight?

Did the strong beating of his heart let him ignore the pain?

Did his love of the world make it bearable?

Will I ever get used to the weight of you?

[words-i-think]

When I can’t fix you, I am left with the grim reality

That all there is to fix is myself.

[words-i-think]

Don’t look at me,

Unless you are going to love me.

Don’t say my name so sweetly,

Unless you are going to hold me.

Don’t feed me poison,

Unless you are going to kill me.

Please leave me to return to dust.

I fear to be in your gaze.

[words-i-think]

Dancing to nothing but the sound of our heartbeats.

[words-i-think]

I am pathetic for you

[words-i-think]

We never could be friends, could we?

Not then and certainly not now.

What an utterly terrifying thought

That we could only ever fall in love.