furthestexit

[furthestexit]

i miss feeling. alive. so much. i want to feel alive again. i wanna feel like a giggling schoolgirl with her friends. i wanna live life i wanna laugh and i wanna be happy.

i miss being someone’s person. i miss having that group i cared so much about and that cared about me. and i miss not having to look around to try and find an opening in a group because i already had a group in mind for the group project.

i miss getting along w people and laughing so hard it hurts, the memory of that day shining bright. i miss loving someone and i miss someone loving me. i want to be someone’s person again. someone’s favourite person. i miss having someone who people just associated with me because we were so close.

i miss loving people so hard it hurt. i miss laughing with all my friends i cared so much about and not one thing would’ve changed my mind. i wanna have fun again. i wanna live life happily again.

i hate this feeling of loneliness so much because no matter what you can’t change it. i don’t even know how. i just wanna feel alive again. ok again. like i had worth and that people were waiting for me. that people wanted me

i want it so much. i miss it. i miss it so bad

the truth is: i don’t know how to talk to people anymore. i don’t know how to connect with people anymore. i don’t kkow if this is a long term thing i never realised or arose now, it feels like everyone’s in this dome except for me, and i’m trapped on the outside being left to peer in with some dumb remark i never should’ve said or two when someone actually notices. i feel like everyone’s got a rule book to socialising except formme. like i was the only one that missed out.

when am i supposed to laugh? to make a joke? to talk? when do i know it’s a good silence and that i shouldn’t try to fill the air. why was that joke bad? why was it bad for me to ask that?

i don’t understand anything anymore. i know how to talk to people. i know how to make friends. i know this stuff, it’s worked in the past! so why is it so hard now!

i feel like my friends before i constantly felt like this no longer like me or are talking to me less and less, and i feel like my current friends will never fully be able to connect with me again. i feel like a stranger. i feel lost.

these are supposed to be my friend group. my close friends. so why is it so hard for me to try to connect with them?

all the comments i got as a kid implying i was different, like everyone was normal and i was jus special and quirky, like i acted like no one else, like i was insane, like i was weird. like i was different. just different. all of it makes sense. i remember the comment a teacher made about me being “out of touch” with the other kids and i understnad why it stuck with me for so long. i think i’m tired of being the weird, different, strange-in-a-good-way, unique? friend. i just want to be normal. i just want people to like me. i just want to go back to understanding people. to having solid friends i knew liked me.

i hate this dome.

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i wish my mom gave me more attention and loved me more. i cant say i’m not grateful for her working so hard just to keep me alive but i don’t think it’s selfish for her to just treat me like she loves me instead of saying feeding me and keeping me was alive. it makes me think, maybe i’m not loveable enough for her to tell me more reasons for why she loves me. maybe that’s why she doesn’t bother spending time with me. maybe that’s why she doesn’t like me. i wish i was immature and selfish enough to make a big mess of myself and scream “look at me. look at how shitty i am. this is your son. your daughter. your child. this is me.” i wish i was brave enough to yell at her and cry at her hoping she’d hold me and tell me it’s ok. i wish i was able to talk to her instead of sitting at the dinner table and hoping she asks if i’m hungry. if im having trouble. if i’ve been okay recently. i want her to pay attention and notice me. i want to scream “look at how messed up i am. i cant even eat properly because of you. i cant do basic life tasks. i cant keep myself alive. i cant be independent. it’s all your fault. it’s all your fault i’m not good enough.” and have her listen and tell me she’s sorry. i want to be able to tell her the reason i haven’t been eating is because of her and that she could’ve prevented it. i hate it when she says things that are burned into my memory or acts like i should know how to do something and get mad at me when i don’t even though she’s never taught me ever. i don’t know how i’m supposed to learn how to be independent from youtube tutorials alone. i wish i was better. i wish i was good enough. good enough for you to tell me that you love me and mean it.

i love you mum, and i can never be more grateful for the sacrifices you have made for me. i remember seeing you cry as a kid, i rememebr you talking about your struggles, you doing your best to keep me happy. you were an amazing mum and you did your best but it wasn’t enough for me and i wish it was. i wish i was normal. i wish i could do this shit. i wish i could stop feeling sad about you because you’re my mum and you’ve done so much for me. i can feel your phantom fingers on my body and i can hear your voice telling me i’m fat and ugly and need to lose weight. i can remember you telling me that i’m ugly and i need tk grow out my hair and stop trying to look like a boy. i can remember you looking at me before we went out and your eyes on my body with a disappointed look. like you wish you did better. like you wish you had a better child. someone more feminine, more pretty, more skinny. anyone but me. i want to fuck things up. i want to fuck myself up and make you pay attention. i wanna get so skinny you finally admit i’m good enough, bones and all. i want you to tell me you’re worried abs you want to help. i want so much from you that you’ll never provide me.

i wish i could say i hated you. i wish i could say i can forget it all and be your perfect daughter again that you love with all your heart. i wish. i remember the bad parts and that shoudlve been enough because the way it still stings years later, much after 9 years old, is telling enough. but i also remember you sitting next to me in bed when i was scared to sleep. i remember you holding me during a breakdown. i remember you making me my favourite lunches and knowing exactly what i like. i remember you taking care of me. you’re such a hardworking mother. i cant deny that. but you also hurt me when i was small, and that will never change. no matter how much time passes, i still feel that sting when i look at you.

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the thing about being trans for me is that it’s not like. people think i want to be trans. i want ti be nonbinary. i want to be. this. for me, it’s the opposite. i want to be a girl so badly. i want to go shopping with my girlfriends, gossip and whatever teen girls do. i see other teens that are cis girls fixing their hair and applying lip gloss and mascara and i wish i wanted that. i want to like my chest, like my hips, like my voice, maybe even wish they were more prominent. i want my name to feel like me. i want to be apart of girl code, sisterhood, girlhood, whatever the fuck. i yearn for that connection. i want to understand it and i want to be a girl. i wish more than anything i were just a cis girl. maybe that way i could want a relationship w my parents. i don’t have to be scared of relationships, i don’t have to be scared of friendships. i could look at myself in the mirror and like my body. like my chest. can acknowledge and think i’m pretty without that one voice in the corner of my mind. without the discomfort. i want to wear dresses and skirts and not feel guilty and fake. i want to be called a pretty girl, a woman, a sister, and not feel uncomfortable, like everything is wrong. i had the parts for it. i had the capability of it. but i cant do this and i cant do that. i cant live a life feeling like absolute shit about myself no matter how badly i want to. i would give anything, absolutely anything, to be a cis girl. to just be a teen girl worrying about other things rather than how prominent my chest looks or what glasses will make my face more masculine. i want to be able to accept what i was assigned at birth. i cant do that, though.

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i hope conversion therapy gets legalised and i hope my family sends me there because im too boyish and it’s weirding them out because they want a perfect daughter. i hate myself. i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate my body i hate my face i hate my chest i hate my hair i hate my voice i hate that i never look good in anything i hate my name i hate the fact i ws born a girl. i hate this. i hate that im gonna lose friends for being trans and that everything is temporary. i hate that my family will cut me off and pretend i don’t exist. dating will be harder. making friends will be harder. i dont even know how im gonna get a job and live as myself as a nonbinary person. and what about my rights and what about oppression and what about transphobes. i might get harassed or hatecrimed or even die if it means being out. people are gonna whisper behind my back about it and misgender and deadname me because really they don’t actually care. i want to die. no one understands it. no one gets me. i wish i were cis. i wish i were born cis. i hope the conversion therapy works and i am finally a normal girl who’ll feel pretty and like it. i hate being trans. i cant do this anymore. i cant be trans anymore. i cant keep fearing for my life and dreading my future. i cant

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hellooo never really posted on tumblr — just lurking. anyways. a place to keep track of my longer vents i write on my notes app.

i use any/all pronouns, i’m a minor, and u can refer to me as chen. that’s abt it