#day 5 was the one that i was the least sure about
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godDAMN your whumptober day 5 was just SO GOOD OMG like just 😍😅😊💕 ////can i have some more? just a little... continuation?/// 👉👈
Thank you! This ended up being a lot longer than a little continuation. Like the Leader was just going to find Whumpee then apologise but it ended up like this... Hope this works for you.
Part 1 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5
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Whumpee sniffed as they tucked their bag between their knees, trying to shield to from the rain. The leaky underpass mostly protected them from the rain of the storm. But wind and water still blew in, and water splashed onto their clothes as they shivered miserably.
Their bag had the team’s logo, cool blue angular wings on a black backpack. It carried a few clothes and mementos, everything Whumpee could take on short notice. They had already chewed through all their snacks. Whumpee hugged it, for warmth and to connect them to their team, their family.
They could only blame themselves for their situation, if they were more useful, then they could have stayed with them. They knew that.
They looked to the blankets opposite them, they were old and torn. Whumpee guessed that they had been left there for months. Insects crawled through the holes of the damp sheets. Whumpee weighed their options between freezing or having bugs crawl on them all night.
They wondered who left them. Are they still homeless? Did they find somewhere new to live? Or did they die on the streets?
Because that’s what they were, weren’t they? Homeless. Without a home, or family. All because of how useless they were.
���Hello there.”
Whumpee jumped at the sound and looks up to see a tall man in dark jeans and a black shirt. They had a utility belt filled with various items around their waist. They smiled down at them, kind brown eyes matched brown spiky hair. They reminded Whumpee of Leader.
“Are you alright there? You seem pretty young to be out here.”
Whumpee tried to find their voice, “I-I’m fine.”
The man’s eyes creased in worry, “You sure? I can take you in for the night. Then call the authorities in the morning.”
Whumpee looked up at the eyes of the stranger, they could see their shivering, hunched form reflected in them. They didn’t want to die like this.
“S-sure. Thank you very much.”
The man’s lips turned up and they held a hand out.
“What’s your name?” he asked as he pulls Whumpee up.
“Whumpee.” They replied, still holding the bag in their arms as they walked alongside the stranger.
“Hello, Whumpee." the man smiles then looks down at the bag.
"By the way, what’s that logo on your bag?”
Whumpee looked down at it sadly, “It’s my team’s logo. Or at least it was.”
Then they smile, “Teammate designed it, she always used to say that branding is important.”
“Couldn’t agree more,” the man replied cheerfully.
Whumpee decided to change the subject, “So, what’s your name?”
“Whumper.” he replied with a grin.
--
“What do you mean, “they’ve gone”?!” Teammate yelled.
“They left a note, saying they packed their bags and left.” Leader runs a hand through his hair anxiously, “They said that they were useless and didn’t want to hold the team back.”
“Why would they say that?” Medic asked softly.
“Probably because they couldn’t do their part last mission then I told them not to join us next time.”
“So, this is your fault.” Teammate hissed.
Medic whirled his head to face her, “Teammate! That’s not- "
“No,” Leader sighed. “She’s right. I shouldn’t have given them that mission in the first place and I should have explained that I was just giving them time to rest. It's my fault they're gone.”
Medic had tears in his eyes, “They’re still recovering and they’re out there in this storm.”
“I know, but we’re going to find them.”
“How?” Teammate snarled.
Leader was about to answer when the screen behind him flicked to life. There was a video call incoming from an unknown number.
The team glanced at each other in confusion before Leader answered it. The camera showed a dark room that was dimly lit by red lights. There was a chair in the centre with someone in a blindfold struggling in it. Leader squinted at the person, but it was too dark to tell who it was.
Until they cried out, “Let me go! Please!”
“Whumpee!” Leader yelled.
He looks back to see his team’s reactions to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. Sure enough, Teammate had their mouth gaped and Medic had a hand to his mouth. Both had matching wide eyes of horror.
Leader’s head snaps back to the screen when he sees movement in the corner of his eye. He looks back to see a man with a malicious grin in the middle of the screen.
“Missing someone?” he mocks.
Leader growled, “You hurt a hair on their head and you answer to me.”
“So, you do care. That’s useful.”
Whumper walks toward the edge of the room and pulls out a large stick with a flat rectangular end. He points the end to the camera and there’s a logo engraved on it.
Leader’s eyes widen as he realises that it’s the mark of their enemy.
“What’s he doing?” Teammate asks, her tone rising in fear.
Whumper smiles, “You must be Teammate.”
Teammate gasps as Leader puts his arm out protectively in instinct.
“Branding is important, huh?” he continues.
Whumper pulls a lighter out of his belt, he flicks it on and begins to heat up the end.
Medic takes his hand away from his mouth as tears leaked from his eyes.
“No! Please don’t!”
Whumper walks toward Whumpee who had started sobbing in relief.
“Leader, Teammate, Medic! You came! Please help me. Please, I can be useful. I can be good! Please!”
Leader stares up at the screen in horror, “Whumpee, no!”
“W-what? What is it?”
Whumper’s footsteps echo in Whumpee’s ears.
“Leader, please help me out of here.”
“No, Whumpee!” Leader screams, “That’s not me! Get out of there!”
“Sorry, Whumpee.” Whumper smirks, “Your team aren’t here, but I’m sure they will be.”
Whumpee twitches away from something pointed at their upper arm, singeing the hairs on it.
“W-what is that?”
Whumper pushes the brand into Whumpee’s arm who screams and thrashes in the chair.
Medic shrieks as Teammate lets out yells and curses.
Leader watches in horror, after a few moments that seemed to drag on for eternity, the brand is pulled away leaving an angry red mark on Whumpee’s pale skin. He feels nausea rising with his rage.
“I’m going to kill you, you monster!”
Whumper turns back to the screen. Behind him, Whumpee sucks in breaths and whimpers.
“I’ll tell you what you’re going to do.” Whumper walks back to the screen, twirling the stick in his hand. “You’re going to surrender to me and my team.”
Leader’s eyes narrow as Whumper continues.
“And if you don’t, well...” Whumper pulls a knife out of his belt.
“Whumpee and I are going to have some more fun.”
Leader tenses, “Just me or- “
“Yes, yes, just you. Playing with the others would be fun but taking your team down is my job and there’s no team without its leader.”
Leader looks between Whumper and Whumpee, fists clenched.
“Fine.”
“No!” Teammate shouts.
Medic looks toward the leader in shock, “You can’t- “
“Where do you want me?”
“My team will send you the co-ordinates, they were pretty good at finding your contact details after all.”
“Don’t touch Whumpee until I’m there.” Leader warns.
“Sounds fair to me,” Whumper laughs. “Though I suggest you hurry, I get bored easily.”
Whumper hangs up and Leader makes his way to the door.
“Don’t do it!” Teammate yells after him.
Leader pauses but doesn’t look back, “I have to. Like you said, this is my fault. It’s my job to protect them.”
Teammate looks down, regretting her words. Medic looks up at the leader with tears in his eyes.
“A-at least take a jacket?” he offered quietly.
Leader looks back and smiles fondly, “Sure.”
He grabs his jacket from a hook then walks out of the door.
#whumptober2021#no.5#continuation#taken hostage#branding#team whump#leader whump#prompt#i plan on writing a part three#day 5 was the one that i was the least sure about#so i was surprised by the response#funny how writing works sometimes
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day 4 of my friend's girlfriend practically living in our house
#''day 4'' more like month 2 bc this. sudden 5th housemate situation began in november#her house is like 20 minutes away#if they feel the need to be with each other 24/7 can they at least do that at hers for once?#he used to be one of my closest friends but now the last proper full conversation i had with him was probably in like november#i literally live with him but i see him more at uni than i do at home and even then i only get to talk with him briefly#also i signed up to live in a house of 4 not 5 whY IS SHE ALWAYS HERE#even when he's not in the house she's still here?#she literally lives here now i can't deal with it anymore#me and another housemate had to have two separate chats with him about it last month but nothing's changed#and i don't wanna cause more drama by getting annoyed at him so i'm trying to be friendly to both of them#but idk how long it'll last#like surely the food in her fridge has gone off? i wonder if her housemates still talk to her bc i never see any of them together anymore#anyway#ramble
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here are the very scientific findings from a long time rat man enjoyer
#yes the first column is kinda redundant but no matter#i'm sorry but jeremy davies doesn't look like any kind of rodent. or any animal really. but he does remind me of rats. so honourable mention#my definition of middle aged is 40. so arthur is one year away from that#and my definition of short (with men) is 5 foot 9 or less. 5 foot 10 is not a short man to me that's neutral#then 5 foot 11 and above is tall#so according to my findings john simm michael emerson tim roth and leland orser are The Truest Rat Men in my collection#and all brian david gilbert needs is time and he'll be one of them#simon pegg and arthur darvill may have the Least on this chart but one cannot deny their rodent like appearances. and thats good enough#me#there are two requirements to being a rodent man: 1. resemble some kind of rodent or rodent like creature#(eg. rats/mice. weasels. hedgehogs. squirrels. ferrets. lemurs. bunnies. some of those aren't rodents but its about the general look)#2. i'm attracted to them#oh i suppose 3. be a guy. cuz like this chart is for rodent men huh#oh side note its poooossible that michael sheen and charlie day DO have big noses but im not sure#probably cuz my standards are a little shifted. cuz like im attracted to more big nosed ppl than are on this chart#big nose doesn't inherently equal rat looking. like henry ian cusick#also this is probably an incomplete list cuz theres likely people im forgetting. i get crushes every time i breathe in
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Hhhhhh
#I'm kind of upset#So far I've been able to record all of the Requestobers and I was planning to have a backlog so I could actually post on YT semi-regularly#At least for a little while#And it'd be fun to see the process behind 'em#I was doing so well#And then today for whatever reason - I haven't changed any of the setting and I haven't done anything disruptive#I even made sure my Task Manager was giving me the usual readouts#My footage corrupted for Day 5 :/ :(#There's only about 30% of it that's in any decent kind of condition#I was really looking forward to it I really enjoyed it and I feel like I did a good job with it#I don't know why it went wrong and now it's just gone#It's not like I can rerecord it and it's completely unsalvageable#It's never done this before...I guess I'll just have to do a restart (which I already hate doing) or run some tests...#I should've watched my warmup footage before committing to anything#Lesson learned I guess...#I think the worst part is that it only really started getting bad just for the footage I care about#The one that took the longest of course
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#the moment when you realize that you've fallen in love with someone that you shouldnt have fallen in love with... I really shouldn't have..#but.. anytime it says anything i get lightheaded.. anytime it laughs i cant feel myself.. anytime it does anything i can't help but melt#into myself because i cant stop thinking about making their tall ass lean down so i can kiss em and finally melt into what I'm pretty sure#would be pure fucking heaven... I've fallen in love... god damn it I've fallen in love.. and the thing that hurts and the thing that makes#my chest heavy is that i know that it would NEVER reciprocate... it doesn't feel the same..who fucking could? my exes fucked up my head i#think... but god damn it when I'm talking to em? i can't feel my self hatred... when it says I'm pretty or a gremlin or that I'm evil my#mind fucking soars.. i feel so warm and happy and blush goes across my cheeks and damn it i know its dumb and i know ey doesn't like me#that way but i want em too... i want em to kiss me and hold my hand and cuddle me and hold me close and i want to wake up next to em every#fucking day of my life.. but i know its impossible i know i should let it go.. i know that it lives across the fucking continent but i want#it so badly... i want to love em forever... we tell eachother that we love eachother every night but it can't be romantic.. sure ey's#aroflux and i know it has a crush on someone but it can't be me.. it would never be me.. im dorky and weird and ugly and everything i do#fucks up... it could never ever fucking love me... but damn i want it too... which is selfish yea.. its selfish and fucking horrible of me#to be venting here because i know no one will see or care.. i know it won't read this.. but damn it I've fallen in love with my best friend#and... and it doesn't love me back.. not in that way at least... it loves me platonically.. we've made amazing wonderful things together..#i love em.. i love em so fucking much... my brain keeps making imagined scenarios that fill my head.. soft ones of how we would spend our#life together.. and.. fuck please... i love em..#i love em more than anything..#but i know i need to let go but i can't.. i need to let em be happy with its crush and even though i want it to be me i know its not#I'm.... i should sleep... almost 5 am..#potatorandoms
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hmm i do not know. if i should read the pre quill comic as soon as it comes out or wait until ive already seen the movie and Then read it
#i know theres 5 stories. im assuming each one focuses on a different character#we already know hedgehog day afternoon is about sonic. im thinking always bet on red is gonna be the knuckles one#mushroom with a view is probably robotnik. and im unsure which one could be the tails one but im sure at least one is about him#and. i have no clue who the 5th story could be about. maybe tom and/or maddie? stone? maybe even an extra sonic story? idk#anyway my point is. the sonic story just looks like its gonna be a little cute lighthearted comic that doesnt spoil anything#im mostly worried about the ones for the Other characters. i know its a prequel so its not gonna spoil the whole movie but#what if it reveals information about knuckles and tails that would be best to go into the movie not knowing. does that make sense idk
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Genuinely upsetting that one day I woke up and had no desire for a romantic relationship anymore and it’s been like that ever since. What is wrong with me??? I’ve had 0 desire for a relationship for like 2 weeks now and it’s genuinely baffling. I don’t know what to do lol, I’ve never felt like this before and I’ve never questioned my romantic identity quite as much as I have been in these past two weeks
#text#personal#once again i am struggling with my romantic identity#the only thing i feel connected to/sure abt is that i’m asexual#but now i don’t even want a relationship…#i had been wanting a girlfriend for like forever and yearning for like forever#and then one day i wake up and poof that desire is GONE#and now the thought of a relationship makes me anxious :’)#i can’t even picture myself with anyone (regardless of gender) romantically#like it makes me feel sick to my stomach lmfao#am i aromantic??? idk????#i’m just genuinely so upset because i’m questioning my entire life now lol#like why did that even happen. why did i just wake up and my heart decided that a relationship was nauseating and anxiety-inducing#I’m not even on any new meds or a new diet#the only thing I’ve been doing is trying to workout more. at least 4-5 times a week but idk why that would affect my romantic identity#there’s nothing wrong with being aroace but i knew that i was romantically attracted to people#i wanted a relationship and to be with someone forever#now? i can’t even think about ANYONE romantically without becoming overwhelming anxious and like i’m gonna throw up#like i have 0 celeb crushes now. i tried to think abt kissing them or smth but all i did was get anxious LOL#embarrassing to admit but like. what the actual fuck.#i was so so so sure of my identity and now I’m not at all#like this is actual hell. i’m in hell. send help#nothing I’m doing is helping bring any sort of romantic feelings back. ugh#anyways rant over
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Please join me in a moment of pure shock that my mini boss jumped in and started helping me with a task and decide oh hell nah this is boring AF I’m getting you actual help next week you shouldn’t be doing this by yourself. On top of on Tuesday her coming in seeing the people who were here on Monday didn’t do anything and essentially bringing the hammer down so I wouldn’t have to do it all by myself. Which I think included pushing back to our main boss to make our boss do their job and flat out tell everyone how many hours they’re supposed to be helping me with said task.
#mumblings about work#me out here with shocked pikachu face#Like I'm still looking elsewhere but the fact she's making sure I'm not absolutely crushed is kind of stunning#add to it that I asked our boss if I could write and how to go about it and our boss was like business professional not happening#which crushed the last spark of hope I had#and my coworkers on the otherside of the fence are like yo we don't have enough to edit see if you can write for us at least#and I'm like staring at the fence like how can I sneak over a couple hours a week?#Honestly let me leave this job with a nice even 500 articles please?#I'm so close like literally five away#and I technically am being paid by the month so I think I can work it out since I took 2 days off#but IDK I'm trying to figure out how to pull that off without shooting myself in the foot since my main boss has me writing blacklisted#which makes no sense because I wrote one of our most popular articles#people buy our stuff because of me! and yet I'm like soft banned from writing#🤷♀️ none of my coworkers get it I don't get it and when I leave I'm going to talk to HR about it#but until then just let me jump the fence and get those last 5 with my 16 hours please#without my main boss being mad that I went behind their back#I just gotta figure out how#because I've written for them before#Anyway I'll puzzle over that later
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me (naïve, stupid): maybe, just this once, I will spend 1727900580 resin and obtain one (1) good artifact
#genshin impact#I’ve been playing for about a year now#I only have one character who has a build I’m satisfied with#that character is yanfei#I have six five stars#if you ever feel sad about your artifact luck please remember that I exist#I kid you not the only reason yanfei is good is because she has wanderer’s on and I could use strongboxes for that#so many hours#all for naught#rng please at least let me build my childe I am begging you#I love him#I just want to be able to feel proud of him#but no#the other day I was fighting him in co-op and golden house childe one-shotted my childe#imagine if there was an epitomized path thing for artifacts#and like you plug in the stats for the piece you want#and after you go through a billion 5 star defense artifacts you can at least be sure you get one for all your hard work#because hey you earned it#but whatever#someone’s gotta take the bullet#someone has to have the worst artifacts#if you think I’m overexaggerating I really wish I was#I am so unreasonably distraught over this
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feeling vv abnormal about the loss of myself :\
#haven’t done anything besides school and work in like half a year#and I literally maintained my 4.0 gpa right up until this past semester but now I couldn’t give a shit about clases and my degree#i have zero motivation to do well and pass my classes even tho I’ve set myself up for another 5 years of education#i haven’t seen my best friend since last year when I used to be able to see her everyday or at the very least visit every few months#my brother had to fucking move back to canada and I miss him so fucking much it’s unfair#my younger brother is struggling and I don’t know how to talk to him or help no matter how much I reach out to him#my youngest brother is the only one I can do my best to be there for by babysitting him and trying my best to make sure he’s having fun#and learning but I’m mentally exhausted and I feel like I fail him because of it#my mom lives 15 minutes away but she’s always working or out of town and I feel like I’m intruding if I stay over for more than a few days#and I’m never able to spend time w my sister anymore like we used to#i can barely hold a conversation w my dad or stepmom no matter how hard I try I just feel like I’m too much or they don’t care#i don’t know where I’m going w this#oh yeah also I haven’t practiced anything I’ve wanted to despite my brain itching to do something productive for forever#i took my keyboard out from under my bed for the first time in a year but I can barely get out of bed#i tried looking for my sketchbook and my fucking desk drawer fell apart lmfao so I gave up on that#everything just feels so dull all the time#I’m spending hours and hours on my phone or not sleeping and then sleeping way too much at the wrong times#everyday is the same and not in a good way#this is so long and I feel like I haven’t even begun to cover how numb and lonely I feel lol#anyway I’m gonna go back to watching youtube videos instead of working on lab hw#nyah speaks
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Have a good day to everyone except all the girls that were in the same theater as me watching Eternals that screamed when Harry Styles showed up. I literally could not hear nothing and had to Google what happened in that scene.
#eternals (2021) spoilers#also i revoke my good day to the people sitting next to and behind me#they all HATED the movie and talked all about it but gave no reason why they hated it#hate it? sure whatever you have your own taste but at least come up with reasons why#and also this one guy acted like he knew EVERYTHING about marvel but he said things that were blatantly wrong#'every movie since avengers 1 has had 2 post credit scenes'#i can think of 2 off the top of my head post-avengers that had more or less than 2#iron man 3:1; aou:1; gotg2:5; iw:1; engame:0; black widow:1 (i thought of gotg2 iw and endgame and looked up the others)#and yeah that doesnt matter much but they way he said it was so condescending to the girl that asked him#like 'obviously theres only 2 only someone as knowledgable as i would know though' was the vibes he gave off when he told the girl#& that was the least annoying thing that he said#*eye roll*#eternals (2021)
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Ki is best boy I’m sorry you can’t beat the facts
#personal#I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND ITS ANNOYING SO MUCH AT TIMES CUZ ITS LIKE THERES THIS LOUD MAJORITY THAT WILL SLICE YOU UP IF#YOU DONT LIKE G AND K EQUALLY or like G more but I’m sorry people are allowed to like who they wanna and I’ll always love Ki 😭😭😭😭😭#yeah I’m sure 10k of em are BAKAS who just think Ki is cool but I’m sure there’s a chunk that realize Ki has trauma and is such a kind#caring kid I! Love Ki! And just watched an analysis on him that mentioned his trauma blessed day and I wanna make a million gifs now but#I am tired but he’s so babey and I fucking love him 😭😭😭😭😭🤧 protect himmmm#I feel alone at times like I said cuz of Twitter and tumblr and this loud group but there are Ki stans out there like me and not just dumb#ones who think he’s cool and I may have to block em cuz I hate KG but least they areout there#I mean if you wanna be a Ki stan and only like him cuz he’s cool I can’t be mad at any of emI’m happy they enjoy him at all#but yeah that’s gonna be a no and a block for me cuz I care very much about Ki’s trauma so I basically belong in no grouppp#but that’s okay#79k people and maybe 5 are like me but at least I know some chunk Gotta get his trauma and stuff and realize he’s soft and deserves love 😭#and to be carried#Ki’s been my fave since I was a wee Lass of the same age and I loved Gk even though I watched 99 the non canon thing first so I’m#just saying 99 don’t mean shit Gk is life and 99 is still gk and anyway point is I love him even more now was my shrine not obvious#and I loved him to death as a kid I wanted to protect himmmm with my noodle arms and I still wanna!#the polls are there too but when I’m blocking people all the time it’s hard to recall Ki is actually the most popular char with the fandom#part I see being the fandom part I see#it makes me happy and idc if people wanna call him overrated I will fightttt Ki deserves love and blankets 😭 and hot chocolate#when so many people in the universe treat him like shit I just he deserves good things#I love himmmmm your honorrrrrr so much
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AWOOGA MAMIII
This is so cute I love this, a small romance in the gymn moment 🥺 so KAWAIIII kshjsjs
Also also, when will the threesome start👀
Ahem ahem-
I'm doing great Mami, I forgot that I had a small stretch and warm up session today during class(they sometimes held them because some of my batchmates have back pains and hip pains from sitting too much and me too honestly).
.....I was literally eating during the session and ended up nauseated a bit 🤣 peachy dumbass 101
- 🍑
I don't know 😭 I'm trying but like- all my "dating" years of high school I was just dating Rae. And every guy I've dated while we were active was abusive so now I'm all kinds of mixed up 😭
He's cute and he smells nice and I just wanna talk to him but I'm chicken 😭 Guess we'll see how tomorrow goes asdfghjkl
OH MY GOD PEACH WE SHARE THE SAME BRAIN CELL
I always have my coffee in the morning (duh) but then the boi gets up, I clean, dress 'n feed him, etc. And every single morning I get nauseous! I'm nauseous bc I haven't eaten. Then I'm too nauseous to consume anything. A foolish cycle and I'm dumb enough to repeat it every day 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I feel ya pain peachy. I to do stupid shit and make myself nauseous bc I forgot about how the body works
#the gym thing just has me all qeydhfkrjana inside#like ive gone to the gym for 5+ yrs so i mean it reasons to say i know normal gym conduct#normally you dont hover around people or at least in my experience people stay very far away from me#but to have a cute guy literally follow me every day now for weeks like#i don't know what to do#sure im confident literally every other setting in life#whys it gotta be at the gym when I'm sweaty and nasty 😭#this has to be a cruel joke i sweat like a horse there's nothing attractive about me when im working out 😭#im so confused in the emotions 😭#but also im glad im not the only one dumb enough to make myself nauseous#literally did it this morning#will i ever learn#probably not#🍑.♡#three.talks#gym saga#anon
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Blue + Red ≠ Purple
Bonus:
#Doodles#Blood#This is a recent realization but I'm going to place it in Eli's backstory anyway#Considering she doesn't feed on actual blood these days#I tried out a new tool for the blood! Is it obvious? It is to me but that's partially 'cause I can see it IRL and it's somewhat desaturated#I found some red pencil fills for a .5 mechanical pencil! And I love me some .5s so I had to be curious#I recognize it's a different formula from both regular graphite and wooden coloured pencils but it's pretty hard to work with...#It's good for thin lines! I appreciate that#I like not having to sharpen my colours to make sure I can place them exactly where I intend to but still#It edits fine at least#I did use my red ink for the highlights in her eyes tho - not even gonna try and muddy that lol#Well except for the last one - that one got my regular red pencil#I think I've talked offhandedly about not being able to identify my hubris - and therefore not knowing how I'm going to fall to it haha#I found one flavour of my hubris! It directly correlates to why Eli doesn't feed on people if she can help it#Things get messy when what keeps you alive also drives you to madness haha#Fascinating science - now stop it#I made the bonus a while ago over a glass of wine#Completely unrelated but when you're a vampire there's a bit of a through-line lol
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#don’t like.. worry about me or anything but i realize that my connection to this world is so very tenuous#i exist purely to pay bills to perform tasks to keep a roof over my friend’s head and make sure his college is paid for#and it’s been this way for the last 5 years and it will go on for many many more#and it’s okay because i love him but one day it’s likely he won’t need me anymore i’ll just be the shadow clinging to him#something haunting him since high school.. a sucking void in the shape of whatever i once was#when i saw my mother over the holidays she told me she was prepared#she’d take care of my cats if (ie when) i killed myself#i don’t think she meant to imply it was a forgone conclusion#so at least i know they’ll be taken care of...#but i need to pay the tuition i need to make sure my friend can have the future he wants#but i can’t help the feeling that i will never get what i want... to be free of responsibilities to the people i care about#so that i can make my own choice if it’s all worth it#i had a dream for myself after high school and it is unattainable as long as i’m tethered
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Rambling in the tags kinda night lads
#I’ve been worried about my cat because during the school year I never left my apartment for a significant amount of time n I figure when I#do start leaving to attend classes in person next semester that pashka cat would get lonely but here I am#alone in my apartment w/ pash at my moms house n I’m the lonely one lmfao. it’s just so quiet in this apartment I can’t stand it#I don’t think I should drive the 5 hours to visit her n mom before my research trip but man I want to#I need to prep for this trip tho so I don’t really have the time#I’m just tired I think I need a few days to stop my head from spinning then I’ll tackle the prep n reread a book that’s super influencial#n get the trip in the bag THEN I can get pashka back n my apartment won’t be so quiet n empty#also listening to out of touch while driving 80 in the Wyoming country with no reception and hundreds of antelope by the road was an#unforgettable experience that I’ll cherish. literally a massive herd was right along the highway it was crazy. but not that crazy since#that highway is dead on weekdays n this region has so many of em. driving up to montana I spotted 59 and I didn’t count on the way back#also saw a cowboy laying in the dirt surrounded by horses. hope he’s chill it seemed like normal cowboy shit so I didn’t stop like he moved#so NOT dead at least. also saw many hawks and a nice number of prairie dogs :) and a pair of high tops or hiking boots tied together n#strung over a super high power line over the highway I really don’t know how a person got em up there! also saw either an antelope or elk#skeleton decomposing on a hillside not sure which cause the skull wasn’t facing the road. I’m not sure why I spot all these small things#driving or just in life it’s like. I can’t see the larger stuff for the tiny details that make it all up. maybe that’s why I get overwhelmed#overwhelmed in new places or in large cities hm. hmmmmm I find a lot of joy in the tiny things like counting the antelope on this trip was#so fun and that cowboy in the dirt in a field by the road was so funny to spot#anyway my head is full and I need to sleep for a day straight#tapes & coffee talk
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