#i exist purely to pay bills to perform tasks to keep a roof over my friend’s head and make sure his college is paid for
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#don’t like.. worry about me or anything but i realize that my connection to this world is so very tenuous#i exist purely to pay bills to perform tasks to keep a roof over my friend’s head and make sure his college is paid for#and it’s been this way for the last 5 years and it will go on for many many more#and it’s okay because i love him but one day it’s likely he won’t need me anymore i’ll just be the shadow clinging to him#something haunting him since high school.. a sucking void in the shape of whatever i once was#when i saw my mother over the holidays she told me she was prepared#she’d take care of my cats if (ie when) i killed myself#i don’t think she meant to imply it was a forgone conclusion#so at least i know they’ll be taken care of...#but i need to pay the tuition i need to make sure my friend can have the future he wants#but i can’t help the feeling that i will never get what i want... to be free of responsibilities to the people i care about#so that i can make my own choice if it’s all worth it#i had a dream for myself after high school and it is unattainable as long as i’m tethered
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