#i can’t even picture myself with anyone (regardless of gender) romantically

[moonjade]

Genuinely upsetting that one day I woke up and had no desire for a romantic relationship anymore and it’s been like that ever since. What is wrong with me??? I’ve had 0 desire for a relationship for like 2 weeks now and it’s genuinely baffling. I don’t know what to do lol, I’ve never felt like this before and I’ve never questioned my romantic identity quite as much as I have been in these past two weeks

[neworleansspecial]

Summary: An instagram post Marjan makes is interpreted as a coming out post. This was not her intention.

WC: 1.6k | AO3

Warnings: Internalized Homophobia

This is quite possibly the worst outcome Marjan can think of. She posted the roller derby photos because her feed has been quite dead since the whole “cancelling of firefox” thing that happened. It’s something non-controversial, and she loves to show off her brilliant team mates in the way that she assumes most people feel about their friends. She wants the world to see these talented, confident, beautiful women the way she sees them. Marjan spent a few minutes meticulously tagging each member of the team in the photos she posted, lining up each black bar with the correct face. She figures it’s a good appreciation of these women.

What happens instead of her friends being showered in compliments is speculation Marjan could have never, ever predicted. She knows that many of her fans are gay, particularly gay young women. Young lesbians. It’s a fact that she keeps in the back of her mind for no reason at all other than to just know it. This majority, however, make themselves known in the aftermath of the photos being posted. 

Marjan reads a comment that simply states, “ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!” followed by a bunch of heart emojis and wonders what it means. One of what? She scrolls through the thousands of comments on her post and tries to make sense of them when she realizes the error she’s made. 

The team photo on the first slide was when they all went to pride together, since most of the members of the roller derby team are LGBT+ and wanted to go as a group. Marjan went as an ally, but failed to clarify this point when she posted it. The thought smacks her in the face. 

People think this post was her coming out.

And it’s too late to take it back, but Marjan deletes the post the moment she connects the dots. Her first thought is for her family, who follow her on instagram. Her mother. Her siblings. They likely already saw. Marjan can just imagine the horror in her mother’s voice over the phone, asking Marjan if it’s true. One of her little sisters is still in high school, she could get bullied if anyone thinks that she might be related to a gay person. It’s going to be a disaster. 

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!”

“Marjan?”

She looks up to see Mateo peeking into the bunk room. He looks concerned. 

“Cap sent me to get you for dinner. Are you okay?”

“It’s nothing,” she lies, quickly putting her phone into her pocket. “Paul cooked, right? So it should be pretty good.”

Mateo easily moves on from his first question, chatting about the salad he helped make to go with dinner, and Marjan is able to just nod along to his words without really paying attention or responding. She’s in so much trouble. The last time she checked, there’s already a handful of articles about her photo. People know. It’s only a matter of time before everyone she’s ever met to know about the alleged coming out. Just thinking about it has Marjan’s eyes stinging with tears. 

By the time she sits down in her seat at the table, she can feel all their eyes on her. Being calm and collected is kind of her thing, and she feels so unbearably seen right now, in ways she’s never wanted to be. They all wait for her to speak, but once they realize she’s not going to on her own, Paul reaches across the table to take one of her hands. 

“Marjan, what’s wrong? We’re all here for you.”

She glances around at them. They could dismiss her in disgust easily. But she knows TK is gay, and everyone seems okay with it. At the very least, she knows TK won’t let them say anything too bad about the situation. 

“I posted some roller derby photos, on instagram. Um, one of them was from pride.”

Mateo’s face lights up. “That was such a cool day! It was my first time going to pride, since I wasn’t, like, out before. I can see why you’d wanna post those photos.”

“People think it was a coming out post.” She glances around the table to see neutral faces. “They think I’m gay.”

At that, TK stabs his fork particularly hard into his dinner and shoots a look at her. “And what’s wrong with being gay, Marj?”

His words get Mateo’s attention, honing in on the hurt and the concept that Marjan could be something less than accepting. Mateo’s self-discovery of bisexuality is recent, recent enough that he’s still rather insecure in his open identity. She doesn’t want him to think she cares about this sort of thing, even if she kind of does. But only when it’s her. Other people can be gay, or bi, but she knows it’s not something that’s allowed to her. Her family would be devastated.

“Is there something wrong?” Mateo asks. 

Marjan rushes to say no as Judd lowers his head and folds his hands like he��s praying. 

“It’s not that, it’s just… I…”

“Are you?” Paul asks.

Everyone’s attention snaps to him, and then to Marjan. She can almost feel the blood drain from her face as they all turn with the same look on their face, the same question. It’s all a given what they’re asking. What they want to know. She can’t handle their rejection for this. 

“Marjan,” he says gently, “it’s okay if you’re LGBT. You know that us, of all people, are going to love and support and defend you no matter what.”

Marjan stands up from the table, her chair scooting back loudly. “I need some air.”

She all but runs to the stairs, hopping down each step to get to the doors on the first floor to the cool outside air. It’s a relief against her suddenly flushed cheeks. She knows she can’t be gay. It’s not allowed. She had a fiancé for most of her life. It was always a given that she’d marry a man, one of her family’s choosing, without much of her say in the matter. Of course she could veto someone, or say they weren’t right for her, but the fact is that her husband was always going to be chosen for her. There’s been no room, no time, for her to consider any other romantic pursuits, especially with a woman.

For the very first time, Marjan allows herself to think about that. About women, and the possibility of being in a romantic relationship with a woman. In her mind’s eye, the woman is generic. Dark hair, big eyes, soft skin. There’s no face, just the imagined feeling of curves under her hands, perhaps the softness of a breast pressed to her palm. Thinking about this for the very first time as a possibility overwhelms her with its suddenness. She feels especially guilty when the imagined woman begins to take the shape of one of her friends. This isn’t right. This is perverse, an intrusion, worse than peeping. 

She feels sick to her stomach as she sinks to sit against the wall. This isn’t okay. She should’ve never posted that picture, and then people wouldn’t be saying these things about her. If they never said those things, she wouldn’t be having the most upsetting realization of her life right now either. 

Marjan isn’t sure how long she’s sitting out on the asphalt before Paul comes out and joins her, taking a seat at her side. His warm shoulder meets hers in a silent comfort for nearly five full minutes before he speaks. 

“I was already an adult when I realized,” he says to her. “I didn’t ‘always know,’ at least not in my conscious mind. It wasn’t until I was already out in the world as a firefighter that I truly realized who I was, and that was really scary. I had a long road ahead of me, with a lot of self-discovery, and I had a lot of people to tell. I was terrified.”

“How did you know?” Marjan asks. “That you really are trans?”

Paul sighs. “I didn’t. I questioned it a lot when I was first beginning my transition. For some people, they just know, and they have for a long time, but I was both certain that I was a man and worried that I was doing it for attention. It was hard. I went to therapy for a long time, to understand myself and to help me do what was best for myself. I had a lot of internalized transphobia to work through. On top of that, I had thought I was a lesbian for a long time before I realized I wasn’t, so I kind of understand what you might be going through. Questioning your gender and your sexuality are really similar in a lot of ways, but incredibly different in others. Regardless of your journey, Marjan, whether you’re straight or not, it’s going to take a lot of reflection. All of us here at the 126 have your back. If you need to listen, or talk, or just be distracted, we’re all here for you. We love you, Marj. I love you. And if you need anything, I’m here.”

She leans into his side and he puts an arm around her for the closest approximation of a hug they can manage while sitting side-by-side on the ground. Marjan knows she has a long path ahead of her of understanding her sexuality, and not just in terms of orientation. What she wants in a relationship and how to have one are things she doesn’t really understand yet, and that’s something she’s going to have to confront to move forward in her life. She’s scared of what it means for her future. She’s scared of what her family will think. She’s scared of what the world will think. But as she sits beside Paul, it is clear that there are people who are going to support her no matter what. 

With that, she may be able to learn this about herself.

[a-s-levynn]

5, 1, 80, 22, 84, 47, 53, 18, 94, 48

*I totally used a pseudo random number generator :p *

Thank you so much for asking this many!! I love this list so much. Also random number generators are valid with a long list like this.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? I just answered it!

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? Well it atually was yours here on tumblr. But other than that: “It is really delicious” from my brother

18: Do you believe in karma? Oh i do. Well i usually don’t call it that but the idea is the same. I think the world balances itself out in it’s own way.

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? I did, it was fun but i don’t know if that was the company or that i was really far from being sober. It’s kind of a miracle non of us drowned that night really. Also that lake is just... okay it wasn’t that bad back then but now i wouldn’t put my hand in it even in a rubber glove. I’d probably wouldn’t do it again, definitely not while sober and i try to stay that way these days. But it was fun.

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? Douxie. I don’t think i have to say more than that.

80: What size shoes do you wear? US             UK             EU 8.5             6.5            39             Which is funny given that i’m not that tall (160cm)

84: What is a saying you say a lot? Uuhh... i don’t know? Maybe that “I’m not a smart kid” or “I probably can’t say anything smart about this/that” or something along these lines. Oh yeah i used to say that “For everybody their own fate is the hardest” but i don’t think i said it in a while to anyone.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? Oh come on... i want to hear their music not have sex with them. Okay i probably wouldn’t kick quite a few of them out of my bed but i have no idea? Most of them whom i like have family and kids and it is just weird to think about this? Can i trade the sex to a drink of their choice and an hour of conversation?

I’ll put the rest under the cut, because it’s starting to get long. Also the next two questions are a bit more personal and i’m more comfortable with them this way.. Well i could have chickened out of them with way shorter answers but than what’s the point doing these ‘ask me’ things? One of them is about my sexual orientation, it’s long, it contains somewhat stronger language and it mentions sex? I have minors among my followers now so i’m trying to be considerate okay? If you are small don’t read it!! Or whatever. Who am i to talk?

53: Do you save money or spend it? The thing is that my mom can’t really send me money for quite some time now so now i have to manage to stay above water somehow by myself. I save money when i can and rarely spend it on anything else but essentials. Well i pay for one game monthly but that’s it. Sometimes yeah i buy small things but i have to keep a strict check on my balance. I just don’t make enough at the moment to save and spend as well. There are months i barely get out above or at least on zero. All depending on how many days i can work the given month and how many discounts i can catch. So yeah. I’m actually too broke to spend money most of the time.  

48: What’s your sexual orientation? Uuh now this is a hard one. I don’t even like to talk much about it that often but i can be a little bit open sometimes about things like this. I don’t really like labeling myself as this or that because i’m not exactly well versed in the terminologies especially these days. And they are limited in meaning and i really don’t feel like looking it up all of them because ultimately it as important as what i ate for breakfast. Meaning it’s not important at all. At least for me. I know it is important for some and i respect that. You do you, let me do me. We are cool. I get that people need short codes to absorb information easier. Or triy to identify themselfs easier. I’m people too. I just don’t consider myself a person sometimes. I’m just me.

But i talked about enough nonsense already so i’ll try to give you a brief picture why i was and still am a little bit confused with sexuality for time to time. Mind you it really doesn’t bother me that much, it is what it is, it’s a part of me and it will stay that way. And it isn’t a big part of my everyday life anyway. But maybe some of my followers feel similarly, and this can assure them that they are not alone or something? I don’t know. I just feel like i’m at a point in my life when i can somewhat coherently write this down, because i know some key points.

In addition, i’m born female, but i really couldn’t care less about my gender. I don’t mind being called ‘sir’ wich happens on occasion, i don’t care if i’m considered along with the guys in a group or if i’m treated as a lady for that matter. I go as a female in general because of simplicitiy’s sake but i really don’t care.

So first as an unassuming wee teenager i thought i’m bi because i didn’t make a differenc between girls or boys. But then not much later i realized i practically could sleep around with anyone if i’m in the mood which comes and goes like a tidal wave. Just not as often. So then i though i must be pan obviously. But to be perfectly honest i really do not care about the person i’m with or if i’m with anyone at all or just by myself. It’s more like: my body needs a release but that’s pretty much it. Sex doesn’t really gives me emotional satisfaction, but almost exculisvely physical. I do not have an actual emotional respose to sex. I don’t mind it, far from it but it just... it’s almost like eating a toast or something? If that makes any sense?

And then there is on side of the swing with the fact that i’m really not getting romantic feelings for anyone. I tried so hard when i was younger but it’s just not there. I thought i had crushes in like elementary and highschool but later i had to realize it was just like... either some innocent form of admiration or purely physically sexual interest? I mean i can see when a person is handome/pretty or nice; funny and charming and all, and i realize i like that in people but that’s it. No butterflies in my stomach or whatever. But i intellectually do understand romance, i get why people like “romantic” things and such. I get it, they are nice but.. i don’t know, i don’t feel it. And then back to the other side of the swing. It happens that i look at someone and go hell yeah you look nice, i’d gladly let you fuck me or i’d fuck you without a second guess for that matter. And act upon these thoughts have been known to happen. But then again i always have this weird feeling afterward that i should feel something about the person i was with but.. it’s missing? Like completely. It doesn’t matter if it’s a complete stranger or someone i know. And it makes me feel weird, a little sad and a tad disgusted about myself. In addition i actually really do enjoy flirting with people regardless of the outcome. If something comes out of it then why not if i have a mind for it at the time but if it’s just almost inncoent fun, even better. That way i’m not going to feel weird about myself. And then there are times when i can’t even think about people in that regard without feeling nausea. I mean these periods can last for months or even years. And at times like this i just don’t want to be tuched in a way like that or tuched at all. I just want to be left alone.

So i just adapt to whatever my brain and body negotiates for the next period of time and act and behave accordingly of course within reason. Maybe this is why i’m out of the dating and partner finding scene for years now. I don’t care about having a partner right now. I have a few friends and that seems enough for now. I might be somewhere on the A spectrum in some regards but i wouldn’t dare to outright say that either because reasons above. I don’t know, you guys can label it if you feel like it but i’m okay with it as it is.

So put it simply: it’s just really fucking confusing sometimes, but hey this is how i am, to my knowledge i never actually harmed anyone with it, so it’s all good, you know.

[8-evil-annoying-catboys]

taking this a bit further, in that it’s completely up to the individual, if someone is, for example, genderfluid, bigender, or both, or otherwise considers themself at least partially both a man and a woman at least sometimes, that also doesn’t mean they have to either be comfortable being in relationships with people of any sexuality or only with bi/pan/polysexuals. personally, while i joke that My Gender Is If You Think I’m Hot Youre Some Type Of Gay Bisexual, i’m comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with a strictly gay man, but the idea of being in a relationship with a lesbian makes me dysphoric, and the idea of being in a relationship with a cishet regardless of their gender also makes me dysphoric (although this isn’t true for the idea of being with straight trans women, but is for being with straight trans men just as much as anyone else who’s exclusively attracted to women). this doesn’t mean i don’t consider myself partially a woman to some degree sometimes, but it’s something super personal to me and i would not want to be perceived as even kinda a woman ALL the time, especially not by my partner/qpp/fwb. someone who is also bisexual and genderfluid/genderqueer and spends most of their time as a bigender boygirl exactly like me but has a different sex could feel the same way, but in reverse—being comfortable being in a relationship with a lesbian, but being with a gay man or straight woman or anyone only attracted to men would make them dysphoric. or they could feel the exact same way as me. or completely differently (being comfortable with anyone of any sexuality or only bi/pan/polysexuals). someone who has the same sex and same gender and same sexuality as me could feel the reverse of being comfortable dating lesbians but not gay men/straight women/you get the picture.

also, it’s not like i can stop someone from being attracted to me, so maybe some lesbians’ sexuality includes me, it’s more about my comfort level and personal relationship with gender that decides who i’m comfortable engaging with sexually or romantically based on their sexuality, rather than saying that their sexuality cannot include me. it’s more accurate to say that every sexuality includes some nonbinary/genderqueer/genderfuck/etc people, and each individual either includes or excludes certain sexualities from their own sexuality/dating pool. it’s not that lesbian or straight male sexuality can’t include people whose gender and sex is exactly like mine, it’s that my relationship to my gender excludes active participation in the sexuality of people who are only attracted to women, regardless of their gender. so i guess, for nonbinary people, genderqueer people, and anyone else whose gender doesn’t fit neatly into a male or female box, sometimes our own sexualities aren’t based solely on the gender of any other given person, but also their sexuality, and it doesn’t necessarily even have to make sense to an outside perspective even if they fully understand our gender label(s).

i think a reason why so many people dont accept that every sexuality is inclusive of nonbinary people is because they think every sexuality must be inclusive of ALL nonbinary people, and that’s just not true. in reality it’s largely up to the individual nb person, and also where they align. 

im a masc aligned nb person, i feel comfortable being with people who are only attracted to men because im sort of somewhat a man, but i wouldnt be with someone who’s only attracted to women because im not at all a woman. another nonbinary person might be ok being with people who only like men AND people who only like women, if thats how they see themselves, while someone else might only want to be with bi/pan people because they dont see themselves aligned with either. but that does NOT mean bi/pan are the only sexualities that include nb people.

[void-official]

“Micro-identities/’Mogai/ya’ll literally just be making shit up now” OK. i’m sorry im stuck on this and this is the last i’ll talk about it today bc fuck it. I’m gonna be Real for a second. And it’s going to be awkward, and it’s going to be long, and I’m gonna Lose Follower bc defending micro-labels is Cringe. Whatever. I get it. go ahead and unfollow. The rest of you who actually care. and in the spirit of Pride Month, as someone who feels like they’re almost never allowed to express Pride in who I am? Here we go.

I’m bi. Most of you can probably tell, im not exactly subtle about it.

I’m bi. But

my actual interest in dating or having sex with Anyone has been pretty much negligible for my entire life. I just don’t Care. I never have. Dating and sex seem like a hassle to me and I don’t feel like i’m particularly missing out by not taking part in them. It doesn’t negate my enjoyment of peoples bodies necessarily, nor does it mean I never get crushes on people it just means at the end of the day, my desire to go out there and find people to have sex with and/or date has always been like. really really low. Even if the opportunity was there. And i’ve come to terms with this. I accept this about myself.

There is actually a great deal of overlap between bi and ace identity. all those ‘weird little terms’ like ‘demisexual’ you guys hate so much were originally created for people like me, who feel like they are fundamentally not allowed to call themselves something straightforward like ‘bi’ (or straight/gay/lesbian) without people inevitably screaming at them for Doing It Wrong. So they can describe how they feel in a brief word, instead of having to go through the pains of explaining the complex relationship they have with sexual attraction to every fucking person who asks what their sexuality is.

saying ‘well you should just be able to say bi and leave it at that’ doesn’t actually account for the experiences i have when i Just Say i’m Bi. Even me Just Saying ‘im bi’ i’ve always gotta deal with harassment from people whoget weirdly agressive about -why- i’m not out there fucking or dating the people i claim im attracted to. Am I a prude? a Tease? Just an ‘Acey’ lying for brownie points? Am I Actually Just Traumatized? (They ask in a really aggressive condescending way, like thats actually how you should talk to someone you think is potentially traumatized) But by the standards of this discourse, i’m not allowed to call myself ace either, because then people are going to yell at me that if I experience the tiniest smidgen of sexual attraction or romantic inclination sometimes, or post pictures of sexy video game characters, clearly i cant be that either  I literally can’t win. there is not a thing I can call myself that won’t earn me the ire of LGBT people on tumblr who think they know me and what i should call myself better than I do. And believe me i hate talking about this More than you do. I’d rather just shut up and let people Assume i’m whatever they want me to be sometimes but then mutuals i thought i trusted will inevitably openly make fun of the people who outwardly call themselves demisexual or whatever microlabel is trendy to shit on currently, and usually i bite my tongue cause at the end of the day its Just Words, right? I don’t even use that word, right? Its just words and some words can be interchangeable and not everyone knows what they mean which can feel alienating and unnecessary to people who don’t understand them. I -get- why people ‘cringe’ when they see like 10 terms they don’t understand in someones bio. why do you think i don’t even list anything about my sexuality in mine other than my pronouns?

but I always remember like. just bc that label isnt For Me, it doesn’t mean there might be someone in a similar position to me who doesnt feel comfortable just calling themeslves bi, and prefers the label ‘demisexual biromantic’ who feels like that phrase puts them in a place of peace and contentment, and I wouldn’t argue with them about it. Bc thats their fucking choice. Them being happy with who they are takes priority over my personal opinions of the language they use. same with gender nonconforming people who dont want call themselves trans or nonbinary. Thats fucking Fine. I’m not telling you to have to use the same words as me if you don’t feel like they’re necessary or accurate. I literally don’t give a rats ass what words you use to identify yourself so long as they’re not being used to hurt other people. I just want to be able to have Words, for myself, that describe how I feel, that don’t result in people treating my entire identity like some shitty discourse Meme. And right now I have none. No matter what I call myself, people choose tell me it’s not accurate, or its too complicated.

As for all these shitty fucking posts about people ‘forcing’ young people to take up labels. This. This doesn’t actually happen? (OK I won’t say it doesn’t happen ever on an individual level? but that its not something enforced or encouraged by any group as a practice, and that distinction is necessary, bc saying it happens on a large scale literally implies predatory intentions from a massive group of people instead of members of the group behaving poorly as individuals)

Demisexual people as a whole have literally never told me i had to call myself demi just bc my sense of how i experience attraction might be similar to theirs. Ace people as a whole don’t usually tell people whose lack of sexual attraction is caused by trauma or who havent developed enough to experience sexual attraction that they -have- to call themselves ace. Most Bi or Pan people are fine with the fact that their labels have a lot of overlap and that the line between these things can be murky, they arent actually constantly ready to tear each others throats out over whose terminology is correct. All of this shit is made up by hateful people, or people taking a few examples of poor behavior out of context as an excuse to shit on everyone else, and well meaning people keep falling for it bc it -seems- helpful to be. reactive. I guess? to people you’re constantly told are hurtful to the causes of marginalized people. but im telling you. its not true. literally nobody forces you to call yourself any of these words, they just Exist out there in case you want them, and if you think thats somehow a threat to other peoples identities or to Minors just like, conceptually, for existing, for being Too Specific, im sorry but what other word is there for your reaction than phobic? If an individual derails a conversation about Y to be like “You didn’t include _X_” or tries to force their views on a minor who hasn’t developed a stable sense of identity yet, that is an Individual behaving in an inappropriate manner, not an invitation for you to throw the whole group under the bus. I hate to tell you but if you’re using examples of individuals on tumblr who say stupid shit, everyone on tumblr says stupid shit and butts in conversationally where they’re not welcome. Universally. It’s how tumblr is formatted. Trust me, I have like 4 viral posts going right now.

i’m just tired of it at this point. im not cool with people who stretch to make fun of micro-labels all the time and think they’re being woke allies or w/e to the ‘real LGBTs’.  Even if a lot of the time I personally don’t care for all the labels and wouldn’t choose them for myself, I still feel like If you can’t treat people like individuals and assess their character on a case by case basis, i don’t trust you. I don’t like people who stereotype and LGBT people are not immune to this behavior. Like i don’t say it often but it fucking hurts, and it hurts other people I’m close to who I know have similar complicated identities and struggle coming up w/words to describe themselves that the whole of tumblr LGBT+ will approve of and agree with (clearly an impossibility because there are still people who don’t want bi and trans to even be in there). I might tolerate the constant jokes and not block on principle of knowing not everyone has ingested and thought about this discourse in the same way I have, and im a big tough adult, ultimately i can take it. but inside i know no matter what i call myself, if i were earnest with some of you about how i feel I’d probably be just another ‘special snowflake Delusional mogai creep’ to you, and i can’t deny that fucking hurts to think about. I try not to talk about it openly bc it embarrasses me, bc i dont think my sexuality should have to be battle ground for discourse for people who are supposed to be on my side. But there it is. I think most of this discourse is Trash, and clearly not for the reason most people on here say its trash, not bc theres ‘too many specific words, y’all just be Making Shit Up’ but because so many of you are more caught up in the words than the substance of the arguments or the needs of people whose experiences might have a lot of overlap with yours regardless of what word they’re using to describe it.

Anyway. happy pride to LGBTQA+ people who still dont really feel pride in themselves or their identity. I’d say you’re valid, but you don’t need my validation or anyone elses to understand that you’re a person deserving of respect and compassion. You exist as who you are, and you have to come to terms with who that is, regardless of whether or not you feel like you’re accepted for it. if not pride then, settle for confidence in who you are.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you have a facial expression you seem to pull a lot? What is it? “lots of random BLAH faces. also, ppl seem to ask if im okay a lot too, so i wonder if i look like im distressed or upset or smthing. i do sort of wear my feelings on my face w/o realizing it” <<<< Yeah, same. “Blah” faces covers it perfectly. I also have expressions of discomfort among the others you mentioned. Do you always listen to music when you’re online? Nope. I like never do that. I typically have the TV on for background noise and I’ll sometimes also listen to ASMR or catch up on YouTube videos from those I’m subscribed to. If so, what are you currently listening to? Right now I’m watching Catfish. When you can’t sleep, what do you do? I’m always up until like 4 or 5 in the morning, and I just watch TV, watch/listen to ASMR and other YouTube videos, do surveys, scroll through Tumblr, and color sometimes. Did you like the last book you read? What was it about? Yes. I have one I started like 3 months ago that I need to finish, too.

Do you prefer things (Movies, books, etc) that scare you or make you laugh? Depends, really. Have you ever rubbed your eyes so much you couldn’t see for a while? Not for a long time, but yeah it took a second for them to get back into focus. Do you like people more or less when they have similar tastes to you? Why? I like having a lot in common, but it’s fun having different tastes, too, because  I learn about new things that way and they can show me/teach me about things I might not be familiar with. Do you ever forget how to do really simple things? Like what? I wouldn’t really say I forget, I just have like moments of brain fog. What would you change about your current physical appearance if you could? A lot of things, but I’d start with my smile. Were you born with naturally straight teeth? They’re pretty straight. Do you pull faces at yourself when you look in the mirror? Sometimes. Usually ones of disgust, ha. Do you try not to take a lot of medicine or do you take it whenever? I have one I’m on a schedule for. Do you prefer acoustic or studio versions of songs? Both, just depends. Do you quote movies often? Any ones in particular? Somewhat. Bridesmaids and Mean Girls come up often. If you were the opposite gender, what name would you like to be called? *shrug* Do you like the sound of your computer’s keyboard typing? Sure. If you had to make a superhero secret base somewhere, where would it go? I have no idea, but if I did I would tell you. Duhh. Do you prefer original or sour Skittles? Neither. What about chocolate or peanut M&M’s? I like both. Your favourite band: Do you prefer their old or new stuff? I don’t have one particular favorite band. Do you check to make sure your ear phones are going in the right ear? Yeah. What pattern was on the last pair of socks you wore? Just black. Would you rather have a big house or a big garden? Big house. Are fireworks illegal to buy where you live? Certain ones we can have, but not like the big ones you see at special events. When was the last time you felt dizzy? Earlier, actually. Do you have a crush on anyone who’s unattainable? Why are they? Alexander Skarsgard. ha. Can you talk and work at the same time? Sometimes. Do you care more about yourself or more about others? Others. I’ve neglected myself in a lot of ways and haven’t been taking care of myself like I should have been. Do you find it easy to pass the time or do you get really bored? I tend to just do the things I listed already most of the time, but yeah there’s days where like it’s not really doing it for me and I’m just bored with everything. Do you like going to museums? Any particular type? Yeah. Ones with historical artifacts are really cool. Is there anyone you don’t think you’ll ever get over? Who? I think I’ll always think of them now and then. I don’t have romantic feelings for them anymore, but I miss them and they were at one point really special to me. I’ll always have a place in my heart for them. Are you ever scared of people reading your survey answers? Obviously not... well, except for people I know personally. If you could change your accent, would you? To what? Southern or British. Totally different types of accents, but I like them both. What time do you usually go to bed at on weekends? I usually go to bed around 4 or 5 regardless of the day. Does any part of you itch right now? No. How often do you re-watch / re-read things or are you more ‘once only’? I re-watch shows and movies a lot, but I don’t re-read books for some reason. What time is it right now? 2:31AM. Should you be doing something else instead of this? What? I mean, probably sleep but that’s not going to happen. What colour are your eyes? Do you like them? Brown. I wish they were blue or green. What colour ink do you prefer writing in? Black. What is your favourite kind of take-away to order? Fast food I like to get Taco Bell, take out from a restaurant I like to get Applebee’s. What is your favourite joke? *shrug* When was the last time you met someone who shared your first name? It’s been awhile. Have you inherited any garments from your parents or grandparents? I have a shirt of my grandma’s and one of my grandpa’s that I got after they passed away. When was the last time you took a picture? What was it of? Yesterday I took a photo of our Elf on the Shelf. I do that whole thing where you do different photo ops with it each day. Do you ever watch movies with the subtitles on just for fun? Sometimes. Usually it’s because we’re watching something at night and we don’t want to have the TV up too loud. Also, some shows or movies seem to be too low no matter how high you turn the volume up. It’s pretty useful sometimes. Do you tend to call people by their birth name or a nickname? Depends on the person. I have a cousin who we only call by his nickname and saying his real name always sounds weird. When was the last time you visited the doctor? Why did you go? Last Thursday for my routine checkup. I go every 1-2 weeks to that particular doctor. Do you ever wear shoes even though they hurt your feet? I don’t have that problem.

[radicalecks]

So over the course of the last five or so days I’ve come out to my immediate family, which means with one old highschool friend as an exception, I’m now out to everyone close to me on any level who I care to specifically come out to. Earlier today I had a conversation with my dad, and while it’s gone incredibly well with my brother and my Aunt, my dad is (not exactly surprisingly) taking some time to process it and the conversation was kind of somewhere between awkward and uncomfortable. Not negative, mind, but uncomfortable. He asked me a few times over the course of that conversation what being transgender “means” and I... honestly, there were a lot of questions I was prepared to answer, but not that one, not three times in a row, so I fumbled a bit and I don’t honestly know if he was even looking for an answer. But, while I want to give him some time and distance to grapple with this, I... want to give him a better answer to that question. It’s still not gonna be an answer that actually explains it, because this is entirely tied up in personal, subjective experiences and I can’t pull him or anyone else into my head so they can KNOW what being transgender is, or what it feels like or etc. to really know why this makes sense to me. But y’know, maybe it can be of some help to someone who’s trying to understand this. I’m going to send it as an e-mail, but I wanted to write the draft out here specifically for that reason; maybe this can help things.

As a disclaimer, I’m 4 months on HRT and I’ve known for about 6 months total, so I am very much still new to this whole thing. On the one hand, I expect my  perspectives might change and this might not be representative years down the road, but on the other I feel like being this close to the catalytic realization might help a bit. My memories of that first week aren’t cast in amber yet.

So yeah, the draft will be under the cut. Feel free to read if you want, I just suspect this is going to be long and I didn’t want to massively extend everyone’s dashes with my prattling.

Dad, earlier today when we talked, you asked me to try and explain what being trans even is, what it means, and I honestly wasn’t really ready for that question, which I’m sure might’ve made me look undecided or unconfident in a decision/way of being I think we both consider extremely big. I wanted to try and tackle that question again, through text this time ‘cause I can organize my thoughts better when I’m writing, and maybe give a better/more thorough/more satisfactory answer. At the same time, I know this is a lot to process. Believe me, I know that. So, if you think you need more time to reckon with it, then please feel free to read this e-mail later. It’s probably going to run fairly long, for one thing. So, yeah, get to this when you’re ready for it, don’t feel obligated to read it just ‘cause I’m sending it now. It’s the last thing I’ll say on the subject until you let me know you’re ready to talk about it again.

---

The difficulty here, though, is that I’m trying to describe a sensation, a subjective experience that you’ve never had. One of the most common metaphors for the whole thing is trying to describe to someone who’s never broken a bone what it feels like; the best you can do is sort of flail language around and try to get to some sort of approximation. I’ve never broken a bone myself; I’ve watched a couple videos so I guess I imagine in addition to pain there’s probably a lot of really strange sensations that go along with it? I honestly don’t know. It’s... kind of the same way with this. The best I can do is kind of paint a vague, blurry picture of it and hope when that picture is received, it kind of approximates my internal experiences.

Now, I can give you the, I guess in a sense clinical? definition of transgender, which is someone who has a gender identity other than the one they were assigned at birth. That’s a bit of a jargon-filled sentence, I get that, but it’s a bit more accurate than older explanations which talk about feeling like you’re born in the wrong body (not my experience at all, honestly), or other tropes. That said, I don’t think it’s really useful here, so I’m mostly just introducing it to get it out of the way.

I could also talk just in terms of like superficial effects, like the fact that since I realized this, I’m more engaged with the people around me and with all of the communities I’m involved in. I’m being more responsible, I’m trying to take actual steps forward to improve my life, I’m actually dating a girl now! I have goals, I feel like I’m making progress for the first time in a long time. I have a stronger sense of who I am. Some of this is honestly probably kind of incidental, though, and it doesn’t really say anything about what the actual experience of being transgender is either. I mean, I guess it kind of characterizes the realization as a positive event that is having knock-on positive effects in my life, so a net good, but I don’t honestly think “a good thing” is a sufficient explanation. I’ll start there, though: this realization, regardless of the hardships I might encounter in life because of it, has in just a general sense improved my life significantly and given me a sense of drive about keeping that moving. That might not be the experience of every transgender person, and honestly it kind of underscores how lucky I am to be in the position I am, but still. It’s not a negative thing to me.

But I figure the best way I can explain it is by contrasting my experiences before and after. Not really anything in particular I’m doing, but rather the ways I experienced and processed the world at large. This is my vague and blurry picture; this is the best I can do at this point. So! To start with, and this kind of ties in to the fact that I’m actually dating a girl right now; my experience with the idea of relationships and romantic involvement has been historically categorized with a sort of vague and unidentifiable discomfort with the whole idea. The idea of dating was offputting to me, even if there were people I really wanted to date; anything else in that particular category of thought was just so utterly uncomfortable I tried to avoid any discussion of it and just sort of shut down when it came up.

But beyond that, my emotional world as a whole was just dulled. It’s something I’ve only been able to realize since I started hormones, but I literally was experiencing the entire world through like, a thick layer of cotton. The only things that ever really provoked any sort of emotional response out of me were extreme events, but outside of that I just... didn’t have a lot. I’d feel happy sometimes, I guess? But not really anything compared to now. There was also always a sense of aimlessness in my life that I just couldn’t shake. I had basically no ambition in me; I was just going to get a degree eventually and get a job ‘cause that’s sort of the arc of life I’d sent myself on, and in a lot of ways I felt more like a passenger or an observer than an actual participant. That’s all changed; I actually have an inner experience of emotion and a sense of agency in my life, like I can make choices, set goals, and pursue them rather than just listlessly drifting on whatever course life sets before me. I had a couple things I was somewhat passionate about before but I feel like I can actually engage with everything I want to do in a passionate way.

I’ve found community in other people with similar experiences; I feel connected both to them and to the people I’m close to in a way I’ve never felt connected before. Like, I guess the best way to break this down is that, without even realizing it, I had been living life feeling like I was half a person, and I’m whole now, and I’m healing from that. I know (believe me, I know) that being transgender isn’t easy and that I’m probably carving out a fairly difficult path for myself, but I am being entirely honest here when I say that whatever difficulties I face, the positive I’ve already derived and will continue to derive from this transition, this path I’m walking, will vastly outweigh it.

So, yeah, that’s... that’s the best I can do at kind of trying to triangulate in on my experiences. I can’t really explain what it’s like to have that revelatory moment, or what it’s like to “feel” like I’m a woman, any more than you could describe to me what it was like when you shot yourself in the foot or broke your arm. But I hope this, I guess, gets us halfway there?

I’m going to end by also saying that I meant it when I said that this wasn’t going to change anything. I am honestly still the same person you’ve always known; my personality isn’t going to undergo any dramatic shifts off into completely new territory. I still play video games probably too much; I’m still too wrapped up in the world’s issues, and all that; I still like Indian food and pasta and action movies and all sorts of music. I’m still the same person I’ve always been and in broad strokes that’s not going to change. I’ve just been wrong about some aspect of myself for a long time without realizing it, and I’m finally correcting the record. But I’ll always be your kid, and I’ll always love you.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #153

“i may be easy - easy to hate, but you’re so fucking easy, easy to break.”

Do you think age matters in friendship?  Nah.  One of my closest friends is in his 30s.  Now of course I believe a parent should monitor a friendship of a minor and adult, but, I still believe friendship is certainly possible. What was the last essay/assignment you wrote about?  It was only the rough draft, but I helped Colleen with her assessment of "Female" by Keith Urban. When do you usually put your Christmas decorations up?  Usually start in early December. Are you more likely to eat when you’re bored or depressed?  When I'm bored, I'd say.  When I'm depressed, I'm more keen on sleeping.  I've gotten better about not eating when I'm bored, thankfully. Do you have a case/cover for your phone? Describe it.  No, I want one tho. Do you take good care of your skin?  I've been making a decent effort lately.  I HATE the bumps I have on my arms from dry skin, so I've been moisturizing them as well as my face. What was your dream job when you were a kid?  Paleontologist.  I would still pursue it if I wasn't turned off by a career with loads of travel, nor do I think I have the patience to obtain a PhD. Is there any music you listen to that was influenced by your parents?  Oh yeah, Mom especially.  She's all about heavy metal, especially the classics.  Dad too, but I'd say he's more hard rock. Do you use tampons or pads? Or both?  Tampons, pads gross me out afsdjafjw.  I started with them though. Is your internet wireless or do you need a cable?  Wireless. What is something you’re behind the times on?  Ummm idk. Have you ever had a severe allergic reaction?  No. What color are your glasses, if applicable?  Black. List a great $1 store find:  Idk. List a great garage sale find:  *shrugs* Who is one YouTuber you would like to meet?  m a r k Do you have your own website?  I have my own photography one. Do you like candy corn?  Omg demons stay back. Were you happy as a kid?  Yep. What is your favorite Queen song?  If your answer isn't "Bohemian Rhapsody," I don't want you in my life. Who was the last person you blocked on social media? Why?  Colleen, 'cuz I was kicking her out of my life and know that woman too well that she would try sending me a novel of hate, and I wasn't having it.  Turns out she shared our drama over Facebook afterwards to make me the bad guy, and I still have trouble believing I forgave something that petty.  She apologized for it, eh. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?  The old woman my mom had watched.  I knew enough about her to know she was a super sweet woman, so I barely held it together in there.  She died the very next morning. Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life?  Ha, no.  He doesn't deserve my friendship. You never know what you have until you’ve lost it, true or false?  Nah. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done?  I dunno, possibly something sexual. When was the last time you spoke to someone in a different language?  Back in high school when I was doing a German test over the phone. Have you ever successfully broken a bad habit? How about conquered a fear of something?  Omg, so I had this habit of when I was thinking deeply or nervous, I would pull my eyebrows out.  It got to the point it would sometimes look like I almost had none.  Super embarrassing, especially because I did this a lot in school.  As for a fear, it was never a big one, but going to see Sara broke my mild fear of flying.  I like it now. Have you ever read a whole series of books?  Yes. Are you going to walk at your graduation or just pick your diploma up?   For when I finish college, I'm probably just picking up my diploma. Have you ever tried to break a Guinness World Record?  No. Do you know how to read music?  I recall some notes. Do you own any shirts that have a year on it?  Ha ha, I got that "I was there" shirt for the Back to the Future date. Do you have any scratches on your cell phone?  No. Is your skin tone lighter or darker than your mom’s?  Lighter. Have you ever done another person’s make-up?  I gave Jason a makeover. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  Honestly still hope I have that picture somewhere.  Regardless of what happened, that is damn good memory, he hated it so much. Is anyone saved in your phone under a nickname?  Sara, Ashley, Nicole, and Mom. When, where, and why did a needle last pierce your skin?  'Bout two weeks back to get my tongue pierced. Who is the youngest gay person you know?  Dunno. Have you ever watched an animal being eaten by another animal?  Yeah, our old cats with mice 'n such. Do you get along with people who are especially religious? Why/why not?  If you don't push it on me, certainly.  Respect my theism, I'll respect your whatever. Do you have any interesting pillow cases?  No. Are you more afraid of spiders or bees?  Well, there's too much variety in this question.  I'll fear a wolf spider more than a bumblebee, but a hornet more than daddy long leg. Has your best friend ever seen you naked?  No. Do you get mad when your current bf/gf talks about an ex?  Not at all. Do you know anybody who was abused?  Yes. Would you prefer a baby boy or girl?  If I was to have kids, y'know, I don't know.  Perhaps a girl, but I know boys are generally easier, and feeling the bond between a mother and her son would be amazing.  I'unno. When did you last feel like your privacy was invaded?  I'm not sure. Do your parents volunteer anywhere?  No. If you were a different religion from your current one, what would it be? Why?  Wiccan, because their beliefs (that I know of) are interesting. Have you ever had your phone taken away at school?  No. How old were you the first time you dyed your hair?  Idk.  I think first year of high school; I don't believe dyed hair was allowed in middle. Do you talk the same way you do in person as you do online?  For the most part. How would you react if a doctor told you that you were infertile?  I'd be like, irrationally happy.  I don't want kids, and I have a considerably large fear of being raped and thus get pregnant, so. Do you get along with your best friend’s parents?  Her mom's a bitch, and her dad's... different. Have you ever been in a relationship where you didn’t get along with the person’s parents?  No. How many people of the opposite sex have you said ‘I love you’ to?  One, romantically. Do you put marshmallows in your hot chocolate?  No. What is the best thing you can draw?  Meerkats are like the only thing I can draw decently without a reference. What band did you see for your first concert?  Alice Cooper. Do you think people with legitimate addictions are pathetic, or do you understand them?  Oh fuck off.  I obviously can't "understand" because I've never endured one, but addictions are serious.  Addiction is not a choice, and from meeting so many druggies during my psych hospital visits as well as having a friend who got clean, it's fucking hard. Has anyone you know ever had serious surgery before?  Yeah, Mom had kidney cancer.  The tumor was bigger than the kidney itself. When was the last time you had butterflies?  When Sara was here, we had these few moments where we were just staring at each other smiling and asjdfawjij. Do you think Gatorade tastes refreshing or just gross?  I don't like it. Do you own a pet fish? What kind of fish are they?  No. Do you have a porch swing?  No. How many area codes would you recognize?  My own and childhood town's. Who has the best taste in music in your family?  Besides myself obviously, Mom. What animal did you last pet or hold?  My cat. If you were a different gender, what name would you want to have?  Maybe like.  Dakota.  Probs my favorite unisex name. If you had to have one feature on your body changed to a canine version of said feature, what would you choose?  Gimme dem teefs. What product or service do you find ridiculously overpriced?  Some fast food, QUALITY MAKEUP, gas, uhhhh. How many people, outside of your immediate family, do you know the birthdays of by heart?  Six, or seven if you count my dog.  Maybe forgetting some. Shot of whiskey, or a bottle of Smirnoff?  The latter, I love Smirnoff's. Have you ever been afraid of being underwater?  No. Would you ever scuba dive in shark infested waters if you had the chance? In a cage, sure.  Otherwise, no.  Sharks are very much villainized, but I respect their capabilities, rare as an attack is. Have you ever hit a parked car with your car?  Not yet, boy will I when I learn how to park around others lmao. What band/group have the most lyrics that represent you? Hmmm, not sure. How many times have you been on a plane?  Four times that I remember, but I was on one as a baby, too. What do you wish were different about your hair?  I wish it was eASIER TO DYE- What’s a personality type that you do not like? Overly talkative is draining for me.  I also dislike the kinds of people who aim to make every "conversation" almost exclusively about themselves/leave no room for you to really express your own thoughts.  That's not a convo. What’s a personality type that you do like? Deep thinkers.  Those open to many possibilities, even if wild.  Nature-adoring people and/or ones who feel heavily connected to the earth. Which of your friends is the least like you and in what way? Colleen.  My best friend somehow, ha ha.  She's extremely straightforward and isn't afraid to hurt feelings if she feels it's important for you to see truth, she gets shit done quick/doesn't procrastinate, she can be quite argumentative, she's completely independent, our religious and some political views are different, our music taste is totally inverted, and I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting.  We're a prime example of opposites attract.  Love her to death. How about the most like you and in what way? Sara, and I could write a novel here lmao.  Separated at birth kinda shit. What’s something you do daily and is this a habit of yours? Sit on the computer, and yeeaah it's just about all I do. What was the last thing to frustrate you and is it still frustrating you now?  Hm.  Dunno.  Probably something like Roman being so intent on lying on the keyboard. What helps you fall asleep? Nothing lol. Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason?  Anti-depressants.  Learned from my current psychiatrist that taking them only amps up bipolarity symptoms if you have that as well, which I do. Do you like designer bags with the logo stamped all over them?  No. Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you?  Native American. If you had to choose to have a different accent than the one you have now, what accent would you choose and why?  British, 'cuz it's hot. Have you ever missed a flight?  Omg yes.  O'Hare after visiting Sara was absolutely impossible.  It was so.  Busy.  That and I didn't know what I was doing through half of it. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do?  "The" ex would lose his balls, the others I'd push back. Are you a virgin?  P sure no but my story is complicated so aojsdfaow. What is one feature that you don’t like?  I'm guessing you mean on myself personally, and that would easily be weight.  I'd be relatively fine with myself if that was where I want it to be. What’s the genre of the current song you’re listening to?  Metal ballad. What would you do if you were stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean?  I don't really know.  A part of me says I'd be so hopeless and terrified I'd drown myself.  The odds of being found are minuscule. Who is the funniest person you know?  Girt. When sitting on the floor, in what position do you normally sit?  Kinda with my legs turned to the same side. Do you like being kissed spontaneously or asked?  Spontaneously is way less awkward for me.  But only if you're pretty sure through my display of comfort that I'm fine with it. Have you ever tried to break someone up?  I thought about it out of spite.  I considered messaging her over Facebook and telling her what she was in for, and I wished her dead, and I'm not joking.  Turns out he broke up with her for the same reason as me, according to Mom being a FB stalker apparently. Are you a bad influence?  I am in some areas.  Shouldn't be even remotely lazy as me, and you shouldn't illegally download shit. Would you ever get a tattoo?  I already have five, and six is probably coming next year with holiday + birthday money. Do you get nervous before going to doctor appointments?  Not really, no.  The only thing that makes me anxious is having to get weighed lmao. Do you call anyone "baby?"  Sara, but more frequently "babygirl." What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving?  Off the top of my head, I think A Raisin in the Sun. Do you have any close friends that were adopted?  No. What time do you usually have a shower?  Night. What do you want to do after high school? I immediately went to a community college but dropped out in like a month.  My depression was so bad and I just couldn't handle the difficulty, responsibility, and independence leap. Do you know anybody that is pregnant right now? Not off the top of my head.  My acquaintance had a baby girl less than a week ago, though.

[aroacemerlinfan]

Thinking about how life would be easier if I was out. I could live more authentically, work toward being proud of my identity, actually take a better interest in being involved in queer stuff and hopefully just be happier overall.

But equally I just don’t see the point. I am out to my friends, but that makes no difference really cos I don’t actually speak/see any of them cos I’m depressed and don’t wanna reach out to anyone rn. So really, the only people I would benefit from being out to is my parents who I live with. But we’re not the type of people to discuss anything if any importance. And my mum is/was homophobic (amongst over things), so I grew up with her always saying who gross same-sex kissing and stuff on tv was, which was fun. She hasn’t said anything like that recently that I’m aware of, but she still won’t sit and watch something like Pride for very long if I’m watching it downstairs (I mean she doesn’t watch many films to the end if she’s watching them downstairs, but still). My dad is better. He’ll watch Pride and stuff with me and makes comments about how if someone is happy it doesn’t matter who they’re happy with, that kind of thing. But I also know he finds the idea of people not wanting sex weird cos i heard him say that exact thing to my mum the other night.

And then there’s me. An aroace who wants to be in a romantic relationship which involves sex so what’s the point in coming out as aroace really? Either I’ll fall in love with someone or I won’t and being aroace has no true baring on that other than the fact that I’m not attracted to people and therefore haven’t found anyone I wanna date yet, but that may change. Am I even aroace? Sometimes I think there’s just something wrong with me cos put zero effort into maintaining or creating friendships, so why would I ever put effort into a romantic relationship? I’m disinterested in people regardless of the various different ways I could be attracted to them (platonic, romantic, sexual etc). I’ve said it before, but if it was a thing, I’d relate more to identifying as ‘asocial’ than asexual etc - not socially interested in anyone. But I don’t know if that’s just my probable depression talking.

But yeah, if I came out as aroace to my parents it would be a whole convo about explaining it and shit cos my parents wouldn’t have a clue.

What would I say? Oh yeah, so I’m aroace, which means I’m not sexually or romantically attracted to anyone. (Side note: having to talk about who you’re sexually attracted to, even if that’s no one, with your parents, gross). Yes it’s a real thing. But hey, despite not being attracted to anyone I still want to be in a relationship. And cos I’m not attracted to any specific gender, that future relationship that I so desperately crave could be with anyone. So yes, I might end up in a relationship with another woman one day down the line so that’s something for you to get used to. But I may also be alone for the rest of my life which sounds lonely and terrible. Either way, say good bye to grandkids, cos as I’ve been saying for years but you haven’t listened to, I don’t understand children, I don’t want to have to put my life on hold for children, pregnancy is an utterly terrifying idea and fostering/adoption is also out of the picture, cos in basic terms, I don’t want to have kids. And this may change in the future, and I almost hope it does cos I think I would be a good parent in a way, but either way stop asking about grandkids cos I’m only 22 and have never been in a relationship so really what are you currently expecting of me? I want to go back to uni and do a masters in queer studies, specifically something do do with representations of asexuality on tv/film etc, cos maybe if representations were better, I wouldn’t have discovered asexuality through Sherlock fanfic, doubted myself for years, accepted my asexuality finally after not being attracted to my uni flatmate, then hated my identity for even more years before even questioning that I might be aro too, and then just being in the middle of a hate fest over the idea that I’m gonna be alone forever and just abnormal compared to literally everyone I know. I also want to move out and escape this shit town I live in, cos it is shit, and live on my own even if that isn’t practical financially just so I can see who I actually am when I’m not having to deal with living in this toxic environment I’m so tired of. I’m also probably depressed and have anxiety, and yes I have reasons to be depressed and living here is one of them. And I’m sorry neither of you got the education and help you needed, but I’m so tired of having to sort out stuff for you I don’t even understand when I can’t even get my life in order. And I know somethings are superimpirtant to get sorted but I just don’t have the energy. And I’m sorry, I know you’ve tried your best to raise me, but I just want to be happy and nothing is making me happy right now.

Ugh that went off topic and got harsh but that is what I want to shout sometimes. I never would, and it’s harsher than I ever thought I would be towards my parents but it’s true

I dunno. There’s so many things I feel unable to do without being out but being out wouldn’t sort out. I just want to live a happy, authentic, life. But i can’t be completely happy without being authentic. And I can’t be authentic cos I’m too scared and don’t even know who my authentic self is.

Ugh I just really need to sort my life out but I’ve been putting off so much for so long now that I don’t even know where or how to start.

Although a good nights sleep wouldn’t harm considering it’s 23:50..

[csolarstormhealthjournal]

It’s Title IX season again!  Time to learn more about consent.  Like everyone has to.  *looks over shoulder*  Everyone has to do this, right?   I feel embarrassed to watch this in public, as if someone will think I was referred to it.

I actually went into this more optimistic than last year.  If anything else, I know what the courses are like now.  Maybe the triggers will be lighter.  (This year’s is different, some kind of new installment.)  I also think this program is a more thoughtful one than maybe a lot of colleges get, because it at least seems to emphasize the equal threat of either gender (that’s the message I get from taking this course, the threat potential of perspective partners...). And hey, it uses real data.  Kudos.

Unfortunately somehow they thought it would be a good idea to make the narrator sound like Holly Blue Agate. 

Oh gosh, now they’re explaining how consent can be sexy.  I’m nowhere near this applying to my life right now, why do I have to do this?!

And now I’m done.  And two weeks before Valentine’s Day this time!  This round was shorter.  And there was a feedback box where I got to share my thoughts!  I’m sure their recycle bin will really appreciate them.

I’m trying to cut down on being a contrarian and think about the bigger picture more often.  If this program can make adults more conscientious and actually promote more healthy relationships, then good!  I just can’t help but cringe when I see logical disconnects like social pressure necessarily leading to force, especially when they define pressure as anything one person is pressuring the other person to do.  Now, I know there’s a difference between being victimized to do something and not necessarily favoring something, but it not harming you either.  That difference isn’t really made clear.  To be fair, I think these are probably the simplest terms they can present the material in without addressing what could be commonsense issues like this. 

But I think my point is, if you’re going to teach people how to manage relationships, then do that.  Almost every relationship I know of involves a give and take where someone ends up bored or tired sometimes doing what the other person wants to do.  Are all these relationships “yellow”?  Are they all in danger of progressing toward red? 

I assume there are people who, despite not knowing the intricacies of college/workplace consent policy, were at least raised with the golden rule, so no matter how many times they ask you, “C’mon, let’s go to Oktoberfest, you’ll like it!  I swear!” they’ll never decide to knock you out and drag you there.  Not even if they literally joke about doing that exact thing.

Honestly, if this course could be less of a bank model of learning and more of an open discussion, that would be great.  Ideally, all courses should be like that, but not all courses can.  But maybe then I could individually benefit from it instead of holding my nose and trying to pay as much attention as I can afford to the videos so I can pass the quizzes. 

Maybe I could unload my skeleton in the closet, the fact that I DID behave in a verbally hostile manner toward my first and only romantic partner, regardless of a life and death situation being involved, at least from my standpoint.  I guess it’s just kind of frustrating that no matter how many times I acknowledge that yes, a relationship has to be mutual and any partner can leave at any time for any reason, basically the context for my specific relationship is meaningless.  There’s no place for it, no outlet.  The context - that she emphasized over and over again that she’d defend and support me through all those surgeries, and then found herself too emotionally drained to, but couldn’t seem to end it without blaming me for her exhaustion, basically leaving me with the impression that my condition is a burden on others, no matter what anyone else says, because what your loved ones say stays with you.  That’s why years later I find myself absurdly sympathizing with the guy who doesn’t want to give up his seat on the bus so I can get on it at all, because I’ve learned that I should consider the impact of my handicap on others - despite the bigger moral picture being that he has other seats and I need that one more than him. 

This whole context has no place in any of these discussions about pressure and consent, and instead, I feel myself haunted by these societal ideas about lascivious men that simply can’t take no for an answer.    

[allforshow93bsqo476-blog]

Where Will Allforshow93 StripCamFun Be 1 Year From Now?

Greater than a decade in the past, Once i was increasing up in Finland, my product of an attractive female was Pamela Anderson from “Baywatch.” She was my father’s preferred. Every time the boys at school questioned me who I Googled when my mother and father weren’t property, I stated, “Pamela,” and also the identify was greeted by using a unanimous nodding of heads.

I didn’t treatment much for her nude photographs, but I preferred that she was of Finnish heritage.

My nonsexual inner thoughts for Pamela were just one of several things which produced me an outcast. Yet another was that I most popular personal computers to persons. And so, as a youngster who cherished participating in board video games, I quickly discovered I could Enjoy them on the web with strangers with a Finnish gaming Web site.

To obtain the internet site, you typed your user title while in the blank discipline, waited for any slot to open and afterwards uncovered you in the principle chat space, where you could problem folks to your spherical of blackjack, keno or billiards. Other than it appeared not one person else was there to Perform Those people video games critically. The screen was a continuing stream of filthy messages.

I noticed not one person needed http://www.bbc.co.uk/search?q=Allforshow93 to message using a boy in his early adolescence, but a lot of were being clamoring to talk with a sexy woman. And that’s wherever Pamela came in. To desire fellow gamers, I necessary to turn into a woman.

Utilizing Pamela’s age and several of her defining capabilities to create my new persona, I logged in towards the chat home as “CharlottaDD35.” Then the messages arrived pouring in.

I accepted an invite to Engage in billiards from Jarkko25. A screen popped up, and we were being escorted to A non-public area, where by an issue from him appeared inside the message box: “Are you experience frisky?”

“Why do you check with?” I typed.

“Could it be limited?” he requested.

I didn’t fully realize what he intended, but I understood it absolutely was dirty.

I waited a second after which wrote, “Yes.”

“Awesome,” he replied. “Age?”

“35,” I wrote. “But I love younger Adult men.”

“That’s sizzling. What do you seem like?”

I quickly Googled “Pamela+Anderson” and described what I noticed from the search results: “179 cm, blonde. I love to don heels and limited attire.”

“Mmmh. Do you've big breasts?”

“Indeed.”

“D-cups?”

“Yes.” I was firm to provide him everything he wanted.

“What kind of Gentlemen do you prefer?” he questioned.

Considering James Bond motion pictures, I stated: “Another person like Pierce Brosnan. Somebody who requires cost. Anyone trendy.”

“I am able to absolutely take cost,” he said.

I took a sip of my Kool-Assist. “6-pack?” I questioned. Now was time for me to be demanding; usually it wouldn’t seem real. Using a six-pack was a matter I’d listened to was desirable.

“Probably not,” he reported. “But I have one from the fridge.”

I laughed. Probably this man was wonderful.

What followed was my initial-at any time cybersex session, with him typing suggestive remarks and me typing, “Mmmh,” which looked as if it would perform for him.

My masquerade went on for months. I became a learn of giving Gentlemen the things they wished. The sheer amount of fascinated Adult men meant I might be picky, as well. I wished a conventionally handsome and pretty youthful gentleman. And considering the fact that I was a woman of these types of higher caliber, I didn’t Believe it absolutely was an excessive amount of to question.

I personalized my story to suit the opposite participants’ passions. I had been married with two young children. I'd a prosperous husband who couldn’t fulfill me sexually. We lived in a massive glass household with a private Seashore in one of Helsinki’s most distinctive suburbs. And due to the fact I had been a bored, lonely housewife, I normally required anyone to come back around and care for issues.

I discovered newbie pictures of naked women on line to send on the men and patched up regardless of what incongruities emerged: “The picture doesn’t Use a experience simply because I don’t want my partner to understand I’ve been submitting my shots on the net” or “I never give my quantity to strangers right until I’ve gotten to understand them very well ample.”

The back story also authorized me an escape just in case my dad and mom obtained household. “My partner just walked in, so I need to go now,” I would say. “Can’t wait around to talk to you quickly.”

I preferred this online seduction A great deal greater than I imagined I would. I explained to myself it was the Risk: of obtaining caught, of fooling the Gentlemen, of breaking rules. Whatever the scenario, I’d grow to be addicted. Each day right after school, I'd personally keep on my quest for the ideal gentleman.

That’s After i stumbled on Jussi. He described himself as a person who was 23, beloved the gym and had a 6-pack. He played ice hockey and basketball, masculine sports I’d usually wished to be superior at. But he was emotive much too. He despatched me messages such as, “You sound like an unbelievable lady” and “I'm able to feeling these types of heat in these messages of yours.”

He questioned me the usual thoughts: What are you donning? Exactly where do you like to do it? How do you like it?

I provided my standard answers: I used to be donning absolutely nothing (“I just acquired out of your shower and love to cool my body In a natural way”). I preferred executing it on just about every floor of the home and especially in public sites. All of the yoga I did designed me very adaptable, And that i beloved staying lifted up and twisted into adventurous sexual positions.

But then he started to look at what he hoped to uncover on the positioning: specifically, a romantic relationship that was actual and significant. I agreed I had been tired of sleeping all around far too. Typically I blocked a man at the time he began to insist on Conference in person, but Jussi was affected individual and sweet. I desired to continue conversing with him.

We logged in at the same time, day following day. I altered the routine around my school days by expressing, “I’ll ought to fall off the kids initially, so I gained’t be home right until three p.m. tomorrow.” He worked night time shifts for allforshow93 cam a safety guard, so he was constantly on-line Once i desired him being.

After a few weeks, he reported: “Can we meet presently? Please Charlotta.” He explained to me that he was Sick and tired of chatting Which if I didn’t say Sure, he wouldn’t think I was a true man or woman.

What we experienced was serious to me, and I didn’t desire to disappoint him. So I agreed.

We set a date for seven p.m. each week later. We agreed to meet on a street corner in the center of Helsinki, mere blocks from the place I lived. I hoped we'd figure out one another just because we had been chatting for therefore very long and experienced this sort of a powerful relationship.

As the times passed, nevertheless, the impossibility of it started to dawn on me. Even though I were to go meet him and have previous the First explanations, I could never come to be what he imagined me to get. And another thing dawned on me at the same time: I was starting to know I might be gay, and that’s why I was various from everyone else.

At seven p.m. that evening, my mother set sausages and French fries on the desk for dinner. I sat in silence, answering her questions having an absent-minded yes or no. Taking a look at the clock, it strike me: Jussi was now standing out while in the chilly evening, by yourself.

I wondered how long he would wait: Twenty minutes? 30? An entire hour? Would he camp out at a nearby cafe although wistfully on the lookout out of the window, hunting the passing group for Charlotta’s face?

I imagined him sitting around the bus on his way dwelling for the suburbs, hoping there’d been a mix-up: I’d both overlooked the day or mistaken time. I imagined him logging on to the chat room and scanning the checklist for my consumer name, only to return up empty: I’d blocked him to verify I didn’t have to read through by any excruciating messages.

A few several hours just after dinner, my mother came to knock on my doorway to tell me it absolutely was bedtime. As I lay by itself in the dark, I felt a similar loneliness Jussi have to have been sensation.

I would like there had been a way for me to inform him what his on-line companionship intended to me: That he had designed it possible for me to generally be myself inside of a strictly gendered world of Pamela Andersons and James Bonds. That he experienced helped me believe I had been funny, fascinating and price speaking to. That he had, if only by his presence, built it feasible for me to start to approach my sexuality.

By pretending for being somebody I was not, I'd shown him my genuine self, one particular I were too worried to expose to any person else. And in the end, I had been in the position to embrace that true self, an acceptance that may allow me — many years later on, as an Grownup in Ny city — to find real appreciate as an actual individual.

[chatoyee]

how do you tell your mother that yes, i do have mental health issues that actually require therapy? that everything she said and worries that you have are true?

i’m sorry, mum. i always knew i could never be as strong-minded and as capable as you have always been. i remember you recounting those memories of when you were young, how you never faltered with your words and stood your ground regardless of the situation. bullies never feared you because of your sharp tongue and your beauty to match.

i can never be like you, and it’s because of the many voices in my head telling me that i’m simply not enough. and i’m really sorry that i cried that night right in front of you. that breakdown i had, i really do apologise. i didn’t mean to make you so scared, but i just couldn’t do it any more. i’ve always felt inferior to all my friends, and being constantly compared to them and just others in general - i can’t deal with that.

“you’ve gotta be confident like me.” i wish i could be. “you know i always want my daughter to be the best, and so i try to give you the best for everything. if i don’t care about you, then who would i care for if not my own daughter?” even recalling these words brings me to tears. it’s almost been a week since it all happened but i still feel like shit because i know you’re trying your best. it’s all my fault, really.

you don’t understand mental health, and that’s not because you’re wilfully ignorant. you just don’t get it. no-one’s ever tried to explain to you, and i’m sure you’re dealing with demons of your own. in fact, i know so. it’s just... there’s so much stigma. you whispered “therapy” under your breath as if it were a curse word, supposing that it would conjure up some sort of unwanted presence. but don’t you realise? there is an unwanted presence constantly shadowing me, and it’s never really gone away. 

i can’t even remember when it all started, but it started way before he happened. i know that you are aware of all the things he’d inflicted upon me. i never wanted to tell him but i knew you were very dubious about him and how he’d impact me. the very first day i told you about him, you didn’t exactly keep your reservations about him to yourself. to this day, you still tell me about how you just wanted me to be happy, so you let things be. you thought that’s what i wanted. i’m sorry i never listened.

i think things started when i was around 15. i remember that day quite clearly. i was with a friend, walking up the stairs to our classroom on the 2nd floor. it was the first week back from the summer holidays. she’d asked me how i felt and i can honestly say that the first feeling that ran through me was ‘shit. i feel like shit.’ things just went downhill from there.

i like to say it’s seasonal affective disorder. the winter likes to let me slip through its fingers, toying me about with its occasional ribbons of sunlight streaming through the greyness. but why is it that i cry so much during the summertime? isn’t that when i’m supposed to feel my best? four consecutive years of tears. is it because i’m also extremely insecure?

“you’d look a lot better in those if your thighs weren’t so big” / “aren’t you eating a lot?” / “oh wow, your double chin in that picture” / “it’s a shame you can’t transfer the fat from your butt to your chest, huh?” / “your skin is really dry, don’t you moisturise it? your eczema’s gotten better though, hasn’t it? remember when you were little? it was so bad!” / “why don’t you try putting some ointment on your stretch marks? so you can wear bikinis?” / “you’re really dark now, aren’t you? you better stay out of the sun”

i know i’m not fat. but why is it that i feel fat? why do i feel ugly? and why are these two concepts seen to be synonymous? why am i making this connection between two words that shouldn’t be seen as the same? but what is it that i’m lacking? i cried and cried and i knew it was absolutely ridiculous of me to give in to norms and expectations like that. if anyone, of course i would know better than to sob my eyes out at these social constructs that shouldn’t mean shit to me. yet i was so fucking vulnerable. and i felt terrible for subjecting my own mother to my unrelenting wails because i felt that i’m just plain ugly. that i’m undesirable. 

she took one look at me and asked, “i know that isn’t the only thing on your mind for you to be crying like this. what else is there? you can tell me.” it took me a brief moment to connect all the dots and realise how fucking damaging these norms are, yet here i am, still trying so fucking hard to adhere to them. to let them dictate my self-worth and attach that to my level of desirability to people i liked. goodness gracious, what have i become but a fucking fool for something as shit as love. how is it that love is also guided by these idiotic gender norms?

“i just feel ugly because things never work out with the people i end up liking. i think they just don’t like me enough. or i’m just not enough for them.” she knows pretty much everything. from the very beginning, trying to hide my feelings from this woman isn’t possible when she can read me like an open book. she tears through each of my pages without any grace, each of her questions pinpointing details with a quick skim that others would acquire with intense interrogation. but my mother is nimble. 

but what is it to me, reassurance that it’s not yet my time, when everyone else seems to have found their ‘time’? my life from last summer onwards is just full of ebbs and flows. there will never be any sense of stability from now on.

i couldn’t have the one i wanted last year because i didn’t want a long distance relationship. i didn’t trust myself. i didn’t trust him. i didn’t trust relationships. it hurts too much to be too far. i knew i’d probably dip because it would hurt too bad, to be so far from him and make him suffer so much. he was never the type to hold down. this summer, the one i wanted, yet again, parted by a fucking ocean. why is it that my soul continuously wants another who can never have their feet rooted in the same place as me for more than six months?

i think it’s me. i want what i cannot have. perhaps there really is something romantic about a love that just doesn’t work out. it’s the bittersweet taste to which i keep on coming back, rather thoughtlessly too. perhaps that’s why my taste for wine has grown. i never liked wine. thought it too bitter. wine is one of my favourites now. i’ve grown too accustomed to what tastes like departure.

[kidsviral-blog]

How I Rebuilt Tinder And Discovered The Shameful Secret Of Attraction

New Post has been published on https://kidsviral.info/how-i-rebuilt-tinder-and-discovered-the-shameful-secret-of-attraction/

How I Rebuilt Tinder And Discovered The Shameful Secret Of Attraction

Why we swipe the way we swipe.

View this image ›

Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

Suppose you’re a straight woman thumbing through Tinder while waiting for the train, avoiding your homework, or bored at work. A picture of a deeply bronzed man pops up in your stream. How do you swipe? More interestingly, if someone asked you to explain why, how would you answer?

Say that it’s this guy:

View this image ›

Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

His location is exotic. He’s doing something that requires a wetsuit. Chances are, he needed a good amount of money to do what he’s doing in the place he’s doing it. But the dark tan, large tattoo, long hair, and name like “Kip” indicate a lifestyle that is probably not that of an investment banker. You can’t really see his face, but surprisingly that doesn’t really matter because the overwhelming reason that hundreds of men and women who swiped “no” in a full-fledged Tinder simulation I unleashed on the internet had nothing to do with attractiveness. Instead, it had everything to do with the type of person Kip seemed to be:

“He probably calls himself a ‘humanist’ instead of a feminist and tries to impress people with how much he ‘made friends with the natives’ when he travels. Barf.” –straight/white

“I love the tattoo, but he seems too skeezy in a way I can’t put my finger on. Scuba is pretentious? Longer greasy hair?” –bi/Hapa/Japanese

“close call, but i hate his sunglasses and also i am imputing all sorts of things about him. like he probably says namaste to the barista at the coffee shop and has a profile picture of him with a bunch of african children” –bi/white

“Lol he’s too old and it looks like the sea is his mistress already I can’t compete with that.” –straight/white

It’s possible these respondents are “overthinking” their response to what, on the surface, is a very straightforward question: Am I attracted to this person or not? Indeed, some would argue that there’s no reason to even explain: You can’t argue with your genitals.

But maybe what we call the argument of one’s genitals is, in truth, incredibly — and both consciously and subconsciously — influenced by the cultures in which we grow up as well as our distinct (and equally culturally influenced) ideas of what a “good couple” or “good relationship” would look like. Put differently, we swipe because someone’s “hot,” but we find someone “hot” based on unconscious codes of class, race, education level, religion, and corresponding interests embedded within the photos of their profile.

Essentially, we’re constantly inventing narratives about the people who surround us — where he works, what he loves, whether our family would like him. And more than other dating services, which offer up comprehensive match dossiers, Tinder appears to encourage these narratives and crystallize the extrapolation process and package it into a five-second, low-stakes decision. We swipe, in other words, because of semiotics.

“Semiotics” is, quite simply, the study of signs. The field of semiotics tries to figure out how we come up with symbols — even as simple as the word in front of you — that stand in for a larger concept. Why does the word “lake” mean that massive blue watery thing? Or how does the stop sign, even without the word “stop,” make everyone understand not to go forward?

But signs aren’t always static in their meaning — it’s all about context. Wearing a camouflage jacket can mean that you’re in the military, a hunter, a punk, a redneck, a misogynist; having a shaved head, as a girl, can connote that you’re a radical, a cancer survivor, or a lesbian.

Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

  I first noticed this “crystallizing” tendency in Tinder when a friend, let’s call her Katie, starting playing it for fun, three beers in, at a bar. She was thumbing through prospective matches’ profiles (usually comprising six Facebook pictures, authenticated Facebook age, and a brief bio line) for the table, yelling out her immediate reaction: too old, too manscaped, too short, too bald, too Jersey, HOT, too douchey, too finance-bro, too “ew,” too hipster, too boring, too CrossFit, TOTALLY HOT.

Katie’s performance is indicative of a larger truth: that most of the fun of checking people out isn’t actually talking to them, but thinking about whether or not you’d talk to them and how. Katie was using Tinder at a bar, but instead of squinting across the room, she got to look at well-lit pictures of each potential match attempting to present his best self, seeing what phrase he uses to describe himself and a collection of ironic bon mots or general pronouncements (“no offense, but no crazies”).

Tindering thus mimics the relationship of checking someone out on the street, in the classroom, or on the subway, but with the added tactile pleasure of physically swiping the rejects out of your field of vision (and your life). That’s the real difference between Tinder and sites like OkCupid, Match, eHarmony, and J-Date: The end game on those sites is an actual date (and a lot of times marriage!); the end game on Tinder is the web version of a low-stakes bar conversation, which may or may not lead to a date or relationship.

Katie’s verdicts were often based on obvious, glaring “facts” of the profile: A 5-foot-7 male was “too short.” A 39-year-old guy was decidedly “too old” for Katie’s 33 years. Another is bald; she decides him “too” much so. But other swipes relied upon more a more vague, albeit immediate, calculus. To be “too douchey” is to have a bad goatee, a shiny shirt, an unfortunate facial expression, or a certain type of sunglasses. “Too ew” could be any blend of traits that, to white, straight, middle-class Katie, read as repugnant.

But some judgments are too secret — and shameful — to say out loud, or even admit to ourselves. Katie never said “too not-white,” “too poor,” or “too uneducated.” We cloak those judgments in language that generally circles the issue: “Nothing in common,” “he wouldn’t like me,” “I can’t see us together.” Those statements aren’t necessarily lies, but they’re also not always full truths either — and often rely on overarching assumptions about what differences in race, class, education, and religion dictate not only in a relationship, but any interaction, romantic or otherwise.

After watching Katie and tinkering around on the app myself in a game-like fashion, I wanted to see if, relying on anonymity, I could get at the heart of the subconscious snap judgments behind each wipe. Why do we swipe the way we swipe? And are those assumptions “just human,” or indicative of larger, enduring, and possibly destructive cultural divides?

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Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

Since there’s no way to standardize Tinder’s in-app selections for all respondents (and because using and publishing the real identities of strangers poses more than a few concerns), I decided to make my own, somewhat crude simulation. The first step: Scour stock images to find a broad array of profile “types.”

The process proved fraught, as stock images for casually dressed black males, women over a size 4, and anyone who didn’t fulfill stereotypical understandings of what male/female looks like require some unsettling search queries and yield clichéd and borderline racist results (try searching “curvy” or “fat,” for example, and you get a sea of women looking very sad while looking at food or standing on scales).

I winnowed the profiles down to around 30 men and 30 women, processed them through Instagram filters to make them seem more like something someone might actually have on their account, and put them in standard Tinder profile frames. I picked approximate ages and came up with a mix of names — some of which were intended to complicate or amplify the mix of signs in the profile.

Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

  The result is an approximation, but not re-creation, of what Tinder is actually like. The goal was to correlate each participant’s race, class, education, religion, and sexual preference to their swiping habits. For each Tinder “profile,” regardless of whether they swiped yes or no, the user was prompted to answer “What race/religion/class and education level is this person?” And, if they swiped no, they were asked to write a brief explanation for “why,” with a specific instruction not to simply note, “not attracted.”

The survey circulated via Twitter, Facebook, email, and among friends, amassing 799 seemingly earnest respondents. It’s not divided by the gender of the respondent, but by sexual preferences: If you desire men, you took the male simulation; if you desire women, you took the female one. If a participant identified as bisexual, he or she could take either.

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Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

The most swipeable woman — no matter if the user identified as straight, gay, queer, or bi — was Yasmin, with an 89% swipe-yes rate, a full 10% higher than her closest “competitor.”

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Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

But why? She signified as middle-class (85% believed so); she seemed as if she had finished a four-year college degree or higher (83%). She looks Christian (42%), spiritual (20%), or agnostic/atheist (17%), and reads as either “mixed race” (48%) or black (40%).

Look closer at this image: Yasmin’s teeth are white and straight and her skin is clear. Her shirt is nondescript, but doesn’t read, at least from what we can see of it, as “cheap.” The contrast between the shirt color and house in the background makes her look crisp and clean. Her overarching look is bourgeois, like a model in an issue of Real Simple.

Her eyes are “smizing,” which makes it seem like she’s actually happy, not just posing for the camera, all of which combines to create a feeling of “genuineness.” Her hair seems only the slightest bit unruly — hey, she’s not uptight! — but is also well-conditioned and cared for. She probably has means; she is content; she is educated; you will have something to talk to her about, and she will be pleasant.

But perhaps the most attractive thing about Yasmin, at least according to the simulation, is that her race is ambiguous. In his new book Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking), OkCupid co-founder and data scientist Christian Rudder asserts that “when you’re looking at how two American strangers behave in a romantic context, race is the ultimate confounding factor.” Working with star ratings and messaging data, Rudder found “two essential patterns” of male to female attraction: First, men tend to like women of the same race; second, men “don’t like” black women.

So why, then, do Rudder’s OkCupid findings not apply to Yasmin? It would appear she’s not black enough. Just contrast Yasmin’s profile with that of Lindsay, whom users read as unquestionably black (97%) and who received only a 43% swipe-yes rate.

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Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

Most respondents explained their rejection of Lindsay based on height and race, or, in one straight white male’s words, because of “unconscious racism?” He continues: “Not that I don’t find black women attractive — and not just the Beyoncés of the world, either — but this woman’s aesthetic, which has definite racial and class markers, doesn’t appeal to me at all.”

Here, “aesthetic” seems to mean manipulated hair, more visible makeup, cluttered clothing, and a less-inviting facial expression. And those “definite racial and class markers” make users more likely to see her race. For Yasmin it’s just the opposite: The absence of those racial and class markers make her race recede in importance (only two respondents, both straight white males, cited race as their reason for swiping no).

The same holds true for Xavier, who had the most swipeable male profile.

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Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

Xavier received a 79% overall yes rate — 10% higher than the closest “competitor.” Ninety-five percent of users read him as black — a similar percentage to Lindsay — but users also perceived him as well-educated (95% percent thought he’d finished a four-year college or higher) and middle- or upper-class (74%/24%). The business attire makes him look professional, but not overly boastful; he looks directly at the camera and his arms are folded, which makes him seem direct. You could read his lack of smile as menacing, but the shirt and tie soften the effect.

The 21% who swiped “no” were bluntly concerned with race: “Not into black guys” (gay/white), “I think I might be racist” (straight/white), “interracial dating is not for me” (straight/white). Some pointed to race-specific traits without explicitly mentioning race: “his lips are way bigger than mine. I have thin lips and the thought of always kissing gimungous [sic] lips is scary to me,” wrote one bi/white user.

Then there’s the cultural extrapolation: “Man, he’s pretty. And he seems really engaged and confident. But I can’t see him at the next big half Polish, half French, all judgmental family picnic” (white/straight).

But why was Xavier rejected for his race more than Yasmin? Both read as middle-class and educated; both appear clean-cut in their pictures. But Xavier reads as “more” black and he isn’t smiling; black men read, stereotypically, as more threatening than black women. Now, that’s all racist and speculative, but it also seems to mimic how our racist and speculative subconsciousness functions in the split second it takes to swipe a Tinder profile.

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BuzzFeed

Here’s the religious breakdown of the simulation participants compared to national statistics from the 2012 Census:

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Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

The discrepancy is fairly easy to explain — the mostly twenty- and thirtysomethings who took the simulation are less religious than their parents and grandparents. Participants were willing, however, to assign religious beliefs to the profiles they rejected.

Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

  Take, for example, Junior, who garnered a paltry 7% swipe-yes rate. The stated reasons for rejecting Junior were variations on “he seems old school, like he’d be really patronizing to women” (bi/white) and “He’s overweight/doesn’t seem athletic” (straight/Asian). Eighty-one percent of users also read him as Christian — which could be correlated to the 70% who believed he was Hispanic, an ethnicity often associated with Catholicism. (Importantly, no respondent cited religion or ethnicity as their reason for swiping “no” on Junior.)

Same with Jimmy, who also pulled a 7% swipe-yes rate. Users didn’t like his truck and read him as “Southern” and working-class (84%). Seventy-five percent of users believed he was Christian, despite no physical indications of religiosity. A similar yoking happened with Chase, a man with a nice smile and a cowboy hat, whom 86% of users read as Christian.

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Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

By contrast, here’s Conor — who received a 56% swipe-yes rate. He’s holding a mandolin, he has a beard and long hair, and the reasons for rejection usually had something to do with said beard and the lifestyle it connoted. But only 10% of users thought he was Christian — while 60% thought he was atheist/agnostic, and 20% believed he was spiritual. Even though, like Jimmy and Chase, he’s photographed outdoors, certain hipster signifiers (not looking at the camera, long hair, mandolin) negate that reading.

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Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

When a profile includes obvious signifiers of religious belief, however, the reading process becomes more complicated. Thirty percent swiped “yes” on Kate, and despite signifiers that many interpreted as hipster, many signaled the cross around her neck as indicative of Christianity. A white, bisexual respondent wrote, “I don’t date people serious about their religion”; a gay Hispanic woman called the cross “a huge turn off”; and one who identified as mixed race and straight thought she seemed “a bit arts-y and sanctimonious (spiritual).”

That said, perceived religiousness is not an automatic “no.” Take Johanna, who had an overall yes rate of 64%:

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Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

Eighty-seven percent of users read her as Muslim. The reasons for swiping “no” were almost entirely contingent on her perceived religion and its cultural extrapolations: A white male said, “I wouldn’t want to deal with cultural differences in the bedroom”; a gay Hispanic user said, “I have no patience for religious people. She’s hot, but sadly religion is the biggest turn off for me.”

Overall, however, Johanna had an excellent Tinder swipe-yes rate (58% of straight men, 75% of bi men or women, and 78% of gay women).

Johanna signifies as religious, but unlike Jimmy, Junior, or Conor, she also signifies as middle- or upper-class (71%/26%) and college- or graduate school-educated (64%/26%). Like Chase and Jimmy, she’s photographed outside, but she wears a women’s suit jacket. Even those who swiped “no” on her profile for religious reasons conceded that “she is very cute” and “she’s hot.”

Religion — even religion that would likely preclude a successful relationship — seems to matter less when the subject seems to belong to a higher class and educational level (especially if that subject is gorgeous).

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Via Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

Let’s examine Dave, one of the lowest-scoring male profiles. It’s an ambiguous profile — there are four men, and no sign as to which one is “Dave” — but that’s also the case with many Tinder profiles. But the rage directed at Dave wasn’t primarily due to the inclusion of his friends in the shot. Rather, it was his apparent privilege — communicated via the golf course, the uniform whiteness of himself and his friends, and the apparent gall to use a golfing photo as one’s profile picture — that led respondents to say the following.

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Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

It was bad. Like, really bad:

“NO NEVER IN A MILLION GODDAMN YEARS. This privileged fuck, first of all, which one is he? Does it even matter? No, because all polo shirts are interchangeable.” –bi/white

For the record, not interested in any of those white frat boys in that picture.” –straight/Asian

“I can’t tell which of these four dudes he is, but I don’t want to date The Man.” –bi/white

“they all look like finance bros which might be the worst subcategory of bro.” –straight/white

“Not sure which one of these guys is Dave, but that doesn’t matter, because they all seem like Republican d-bags. Also: Pleated khakis? No.” –gay/white

“SO WHITE” –queer/Asian

“golf. overabundance of white dudes. who is Dave? Dave is legion. a legion of golf-playing white dude demons.” –pansexual/white

Dave scanned as well-educated (71% believed he’d finished college; 20% thought he’d finished grad school) and definitively upper-class (73% believed as much, the highest of any profile). But unlike other white men of higher class and education level, users also overwhelmingly read him as Christian: a whopping 79%. (Compare with Kieran, another white, well-educated male, whom 64% of users read as agnostic/atheist.) Respondents read Dave’s hobby and whiteness as indicative not only of wealthy, but Conservatism — which is often associated, explicitly and implicitly, with Christianity.

Dave demonstrates how Tinder’s lack of information forces assumptions from its swipers, which is is a perfect example of what makes Tinder so unique and perfect for this experiment. On OkCupid or Match, there would be clear markers of one’s political views. But on Tinder, you have only the presence of a pair of pleated khaki pants to tell you if the person is, say, conservative, “a douche,” and thus unattractive.

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BuzzFeed

No one wants to believe their attractions are racist, or classist, or otherwise discriminatory. We use elaborate phrasing to cover it up or explain it away, but it’s still there, even if not always to the profile’s detriment. The fact that the two profiles with the highest swipe-yes rate were both people of color seems to suggest something about shifting understandings about attractiveness, which makes sense given our respondents (overwhelmingly middle-class, largely white, and mostly urban and suburban denizens of the internet).

But “what we find attractive” appears to be far less about someone’s face and far more about the signs that surround that face. Think, for example, if a woman like Marit, pictured below, had the cheap highlights and unfixed teeth and name of Crystal?

Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

  Though still anecdotal, Tinder rejection in this simulation appears to be more about class than race or religion. If a user self-identified as upper-middle-class and identified the male profile before him or her as “working-class,” that user swiped “yes” only 13% of the time; if they identified themselves as lower-middle-class, the swipe rate rose only slightly to 17%.

If those same users identified the profile before them as middle-class, that number rose to 36% and 39%, respectively. The same trend held true when judging female profiles: If the user identified as upper-middle-class and identified a profile as working-class, the yes rate was 26% — compared with 52% if they identified a profile as middle-class.

Whatever the signs that made someone think that a profile was working-class — McKenzie’s fishing pole, Renee’s dye job and pool pose, Ricky’s tattoos and piercings, John’s tank top, Toby’s camo, Jimmy’s truck — the swipe rates plummeted.

Which isn’t to suggest that poor people are ugly. The vast majority of explanations for the no swipes on all of the above profiles pointed to a perceived lack of common interests: “we’d have nothing to talk about,” “I don’t think our politics would mix,” “nothing in common.” Sometimes those assumptions stem from depicted activities — fishing, body modifications — but some are just the way the mind runs wild with class, weaving the narrative that a working-class person probably doesn’t read books for pleasure, or enjoy art cinema, or seek out microbrews, or go on hikes the way a bourgeois, middle-class person does.

Now, the results of a small sample-size Tinder simulation doesn’t mean that we’re all destined to marry within only our own classes. Data on the tendency to marry within one’s class is difficult to come by, but if relying on education level as an (imperfect) proxy for class, then the rate has decreased dramatically over the 50 years. Even as more and more people marry “across” lines of race and religion, fewer and fewer are willing to cross the education/class line.

Tinder is by no means the cause of this decline. It simply encourages and quietly normalizes the assumptions that undergird it. The Tinderspeak of “we’d have nothing in common,” taken to its natural extension, bolsters and reifies the idea of “two Americas” with distinct values and worldviews, two discrete factions with little impetus to support that which doesn’t necessarily personally affect us or our class.

It’s not as if race and religion aren’t still mitigating factors in our decisions about whom we find attractive, with whom we emphasize, or for whom we feel compassion. Race and religion do matter (and might always), but almost only when they intersect with a class identity that isn’t our own.

Ultimately, this admittedly un-randomized sample seems to suggest that the raw idea of attraction — that knee-jerk “thinking from the genitals” decision — has less to do with our unmentionable parts and much more to do with a combination of our deepest subconscious biases and with our most overt and uncharitable personal politics. And if that’s the case, it’s no doubt the reason why Tinder is so popular, addictive, and ultimately insidious.

Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/annehelenpetersen/we-are-all-classists

[h-gtot]

William Shakespeare and Bisexuality

Now, I would like to preface this by saying that we couldn’t possibly know how William Shakespeare himself would identify, and obviously the term “bisexual” was not coined and used until much later. When discussing historical figures sexuality, it gets very tricky with labels. However, if we look at whether or not William fit into the category “bisexual”- that is to say, if he was attracted to two or more genders- that is a question we can attempt to discuss.

Due to the rampant homophobia of society, traces of anyone that wasn’t heterosexual were attempted to be scrubbed away. That combined with the extreme lack of information about Shakespeare’s personal life means that it isn’t likely we will ever find a blatant “I like guys” confession. Shakespeare did, however, explore many gay themes in his works. Though of course straight men can explore gay themes, even modern day straight men are just getting into that. Back then, in a society where being openly gay was heavily looked down upon, not to mention many men didn’t even write strong female characters? It seems… unlikely that a straight playwright would have so many gay themes. And let’s add in his sonnets- my favorites! 1 through 126 are dedicated to the “Fair Youth”- often called Mr. W.H. This man is suspected to be Henry Wriothesley, the Earl of Southampton. A lusty, bisexual earl, whose initials were reversed to protect his identity. He was the dedicatee of Venus & Adonis and other poems. However, this hasn’t been proven and people also say W.H might not even be the Fair Youth in the first place. Because we don’t have super solid evidence for either, I’m just going to refer to the Fair Youth as that.

The famous sonnet, Sonnet 18 (Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day) was included in these. Yep, one of the most famous romantic sonnet was possibly written as a love letter to a guy he liked. Now, of course, these could have been written from the viewpoint of another person, not Will himself. But one, I doubt it, and two, like I said, writing 126 gay sonnets as a straight guy? Seems pretty sketchy. I’m on to you, Bill.

Let’s look at some especially convincing sonnets- I’m personally gonna skip 1 through 17, because they are literally all. About. Kids. William really wanted the Fair Youth to have some kids so his beauty would be preserved. It’s all he talked about until Sonnet 18. Sonnet 20- the basic idea? Something like, “you’re super hot like a girl. You have a dick, though. But I don’t care that much.” This sonnet is kinda sexist, but it gets the point across. He also calls the Fair Youth “the master-mistress of my passion”, which honestly seems like something you would call your genderfluid lover. This one is very hard to deny- it’s obvious what it’s about, and it would make zero sense of it was written from the viewpoint of a women- plus, it’d still be pretty bisexual. And if you bring up it could be another man’s viewpoint- see above.

In sonnet 26, he calls the Fair Youth the “Lord of my love”, which is honestly super sweet. In sonnet 30, he talks about being super depressed (basically, I’m paraphrasing here,) but then goes on to say that when he thinks of the Fair Youth, he is able to recover. Honestly? Same, Will, thinking of cute people always helps me out of a depression spiral. In sonnet 40, he says love a lot. He also begins to talk about how the Fair Youth and Will’s mistress are sleeping together, which makes him sad, but he forgives him. In sonnet 53, he says “describe Adonis, and the counterfeit is poorly imitated after you. On Helen’s cheek all art of beauty set, And you in Grecian tires are painted new.” If you can’t read the Early Modern English, here’s No Fear Shakespeare’s translation: “If an artist tries to depict Adonis, he’ll wind up creating an inferior imitation of you. If he were to paint Helen as beautifully as possible, he would again wind up with a picture of you, decked out in Greek costume.” In my mind, it is pretty gay to describe your crush as prettier than Adonis and Helen, two bangin’ Greeks. Helen literally started a war cause she was so pretty. So that’s a pretty nice compliment.

I know what some may be saying- “Jane!” You cry, “I’m sure these are just platonic, no-homo love sonnets!” But are you, dear reader, telling me that Sonnet 18 is platonic? That “Lord of my love” is platonic? That calling the Fair Youth “love” repeatedly platonic? Are you honestly telling me that, were these not about a man, and instead a woman, you would still call them platonic? If but a woman was called “Lady of my love”, people would be swooning and saying how romantic it was. But the moment it’s gay? All romance is evaporated. This, readers, is heteronormativity- the idea that being heterosexual is the norm, it’s the base, that people are “hetero until proven otherwise.” This viewpoint makes people act like we need 5 eyewitness to William Shakespeare sucking a dick to truly call bisexual (not to mention that most people ignore the idea of bisexuality, but we’ll get to that eventually.) Instead, look at William like a blank slate- he obviously loved women, the Dark Lady sonnets (all sonnets after 126), prove that. But, as a Certified Bisexual myself, I can say that just because I like girls doesn’t mean that I don’t like guys. And just scrolling through, we can see there's definitely some attraction between the narrator and the Fair Youth. Now, yes, this all depends on if the sonnets are written from William’s viewpoint. People claim them to be a writing exercise, though this doesn’t explain the 17 sonnets solely devoted to begging the Fair Youth to have kids. If it is a writing exercise, why are all of them seemingly told about the same person from the same point of view? As a writer, that seems… strange. Not to mention the fact that Shakespeare seemed to find these very private, and though I’m sure most artists don’t publish their exercises, the fact he didn’t want them to be known at all is strange. Writing about gays a a straight man back then would be weird, but writing sonnets to a gay lover? That’s how you die, sir.

It is the opinion of most scholars that these sonnets are autobiographical. If this is true, which I and many other, smarter people believe, than this is the closest we get to and insight on his personal life and, more importantly (at least, for this essay), his sexuality.

“Alright, Jane, if this is all so obvious, why isn’t it fact?” Well, dear counter argument, due to previously-stated heteronormativity and the fact that we don’t have any rock solid evidence, we can’t say anything for absolute sure. Not to mention the fact that many people often ignore bisexuality as an argument. If you say “William might have been a smidge… gay,” people can jump in and fire back “But he liked women!” This bisexual erasure isn’t only annoying and hurtful but also makes this whole issue more mysterious than I think it needs to be. Bisexual men often like women. Bisexual men often marry women. William Shakespeare’s attraction to women isn’t a counter argument to his bisexuality, it’s just showing that he definitely played for one team, and most likely the other! Another issue is that people act as though a bisexual historical figure is amazing. The idea that LGBT people have existed before modern labels. Shocking! But that’s an idiotic statement. People haven’t gotten gayer, the world has gotten clearer. People stopped hiding, and started inventing communities and identities and started to be proud. There are so, so many LGBT people throughout history- you just have to try and spot them. Acting as if we are a modern invention is hurtful and erases our rich and history and identity. If there were gays in Ancient Greece, then I’m sure as Hell there were gays in the 15th century. We didn’t take a break.

As stated before, we probably will never be able to say for sure, until I either go back in time or see him in the possible afterlife. Both of those, by the way, are in my top 5 goals of life. Regardless, the evidence we currently have seems to make a pretty convincing case, and we might even find more evidence as time goes on! A couple days ago, I was listening to a Podcast, Shakespeare and Contemporary Theory. They had one on q*eer theory, so obviously I had to listen. A woman who works at a Pennsylvania and was writing a book on q*eer theory was talking. I really enjoyed the episode, and I especially like this quote: “If Shakespeare’s work isn’t q*eer, I don’t know what is.” She also mentioned that to read his work as only straight is to “misread the plays and misread the historical moment.” If you want more information on the subject (and told by a smarter person), I beg that you check it out. If you take anything from this essay, take this: Shakespeare’s work was, at least, filled with gay themes. And when you are in the 15th century, putting gay themes in your plays and writing 156 gay sonnets? It doesn’t scream heterosexual.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #63

“now it’s you-know-who, i got the you-know-what, stick it you-know-where, you know why, you don’t care.”

tell me about the last thing that made you laugh until it hurt. chelsea showed me a stupid video that had me crying on new year's. i normally wouldn't have laughed so hard, but i was almost drunk. is there a trampoline in your backyard? no. we got rid of ours years ago. what about kids on leashes? what do you think about that? i don't feel much about it, because i've never raised a child. it's funny to see, no doubt, but idk if it's right or wrong. kids can be dangerously ignorant. for whatever reason, your significant other can NEVER have sex again. do you stay with them? duh. i can live without it. how would you react to losing a close friend? same shit, different day. have you ever drunk/eaten a substance in the science lab? no, because i didn't want to die back when i was in school. have you ever led the prayer at dinnertime? if not, do you want to? i have. do you like those sudoku puzzles? 
 i sure do. have you ever taken a course in chemistry? 
 no, i took physical science, which had chemistry mixed into it. do you like to draw?  not nearly as much as i used to... so, tell me about your day. was it good? 
 same old day. woke up, ate breakfast and such, watched my daily gmm. started taking surveys while i listened to music and let's plays in the background. seriously, it's the same every other day. do you have your own web site? 
 well i mean i created the rp forum my friends and i moved to, but it's not "mine." do you frequently add people to your friend’s list that you don’t know? no, never. how do you feel about girls that post half naked pictures on facebook? cover it up, hunny. not everyone needs to know you like that. sorry to be all "conservative," but i hate that shit. what’s your favorite ice cream flavor? vanilla, but with chocolate icing. have you ever considered changing your sexuality? no, i have not. i don't believe you can just "change" your sexuality like that. ever thought about changing your gender? here come the liberals. i don't believe it's possible to change your gender. what is the worst physical pain you have ever felt? getting my former cyst emptied at the er. fuck that. who is the most inappropriate person you know? mmmm... chelsea, probably. has someone ever told you they loved you and you didn’t say it back? yeah. are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? no. like look... i am happy i have a house. i have both parents. we have food. but what i have, both good and bad, is not enough for me to see a happy life possible. how long has it been since you kissed someone? over a year ago. your best friend has sex with your ex. what happens? i'm killing her. your ex wants you back, but you are in a relationship. what do you do? ... fucking kill me. i'd leave my current boyfriend to be with him. what did you do last night? wallowed in self-pity, convinced myself to not kill myself. if someone was to ask you if you were okay right now, are you? no. mom's taking my letter to jason to the mail tomorrow. i feel it in my gut that it's not going to change his feelings for me. do you think you would lose some friends if you gained 100 pounds? honestly, no. i feel that the friends i have now are more serious than that. when was the last time someone gave you a massage? i'm sure it hasn't been since jason and i dated and he'd give me one. when was the last time you were in an amazingly awesome mood? HA. is there something you need to get off your chest at the moment? there's a novel's worth. has the last person you kissed met your father? he has. i don't know how he feels about my dad since the divorce, though. he'd always have to hear me rant and cry about him. have you ever woke up crying from a bad dream? i have. have you ever had to block anyone online? plenty of times. have you ever made a boy cry? i sadly have. do you find guys with facial piercings attractive? generally. who was the last person to insult you to your face? colleen, kinda. what scares you more: snakes or spiders? spiders, i'm not scared of snakes. do you wear thongs? i never have. have you ever done yoga? i used to be amazing at it. many summers ago, i used wiifit to lose about 40 pounds. i mainly did yoga. i was super flexible. would you consider yourself a flirt? not in the slightest. do you have any friends who have an STD? i have a family member who does. are you thinner than your best friend? i am not. have you ever been prescribed narcotics? yeah, xanax and another for anxiety that i forgot... how many rings do you wear daily? just one. i want to repair the one jason gave me so i can wear that one again, too... i think i'll do that tonight or tomorrow. do you get car sick or motion sick easily? does it ever stop you doing things? i don't. did you ever dream of living in a house with a white picket fence? not really, no. after you go swimming, do you sit around in your wet bathing suit with a towel or do you immediately change? i usually sit around for a while. what was the last activity you did that made you sweat? i'm pretty sure i sweat very slightly just when i got the craft box out of the closet. because of my medication, literally everything makes me sweat... it's so embarrassing. when was the last time you used lotion? last time i shaved my legs. currently listening to? "tourniquet" by marilyn manson. just another song that makes me think of how i feel about jason in some ways. give us a lyric from this song. "take your hatred out on me, make your victim my head." besides your mouth, where is your favorite spot to get kissed? breasts or neck. ever jacked a dude off? were you even romantically involved with him? hey, when you "can't" have sex, you find the loopholes, sister. and yes, we were dating at the time. would you rather eat your pizza cold or hot? i'd rather it be hot, but cold's fine. have you ever had fake nails? i have not. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? no. it feels demeaning, honestly. does the person you like, like you back? no, he does not. do you believe ex’s can be friends? if you were deeply romantically involved? fuck no. do you like to text or call more? texting. calling is awkward imo and it's hard to understand the person, at least to me. when was the last time you really pushed yourself to your physical or emotional limits? what were you doing and how did it turn out?   emotionally, right fucking now.  colleen's decided to lecture me again, and i am a hair's width from just... i don't know.  basically, it's taking stupendous amounts of emotional willpower to not go kill myself right now.  i have HAD IT with her.  i won't bore my survey tumblr readers with the full story.  physically, probably the last time i went to the gym, i assume. what's your favorite saying or quote? why does it mean something special to you? how did you come across it?   i answered this in a recent-ish survey.  my favorite (series of) quote(s) takes place in the recent movie "Suicide Squad."  a police asks harley quinn, "harleen, what did he tell you?"  harley's cackling/crying and responds, "he said he loved me." i love the quote so much because i feel it.  bit of villain backstory, harley quinn was driven mad by her boyfriend/former patient, and i'd consider myself to have been through the same (via his absence, anyway, but you get it).  i started as jason's mentor, and i guarantee he'd tell you the same.  then, without him intending it, i've become his fucking slave, shadow, and #1 fan all at once.  i'd do it all for him.  all because he said he was in love with me.  powerful fucking words.  don't abuse them, people. do you enjoy getting dressed up for a night out? what are your favorite places for a "night on the town"?   i like getting dressed up for something that's bigger than usual, but i don't really have "nights out on the town."  i don't do anything even remotely extravagant. what is your favorite classic disney film and why?   does "the lion king" count?  if so, that one.  i can't exactly say why it's my favorite besides simba coming back from a tragedy as the king of the world pretty much, but i love that movie dearly. are you a good liar? under what circumstances do you choose to lie (just little white lies, or bigger ones)? have you ever regretted your choice to be less than truthful?   honestly, when i do lie, i'm rarely caught.  and i'll lie mainly to avoid hurting people, but i confess to sometimes doing it to just avoid confrontation. can you remember the first swear word you ever learned?   no, but i remember the first one i said aloud: shit.  i had no idea it was a bad word.  got a massive lecture in the car. how old were you when you first started to wear make-up? do you prefer others with or without make-up?   late middle school, i think.  and i personally find make-uped faces more aesthetically pleasing, it's why there's such a problem in this world with women feeling ugly without it, but you're still absolutely beautiful without it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. how long do you need to get to know someone, before you’d think about having a relationship with them?   i don't measure that by time, i measure that by how well i'm getting to know them. is global warming actually happening?   duh. does gpa determine a person's intelligence?   no, fuck this question. do you refuse to talk about your sexuality?   no.  it's not a big deal to anyone. do you have a debit card?   i do not. would you have an abortion if you would otherwise die in childbirth?   no, because i'm not fucking selfish. do you think sleeping is a waste of time? yet you LOVE your dreams, even when they're kinda bad?   i mean, it technically is a waste of time, but we need it regardless. what would you do if your boyfriend got snake bite piercings?   that's totally up to him, i'd love him regardless.  now whether or not i'd find it physically appealing just depends on the person. do you think it's at all possible you may change your religion in your life?  i'm not going to bullshit.  maybe.  DO I THINK I WILL, NO, but do i rule out the possibility, no.  after how pissed i've been at god lately, i wouldn't be entirely surprised if, in the worst case scenario, i became satanic.  god please don't let me. if you were told that you were going to spend the rest of your life with the last person you kissed, would that make you happy?   i would... oh my god.  i would physically break down from joy.  i would sob.  i would bow and praise god beyond all explanation.  i would fucking lose it. who was your first boy/girlfriend and do you still talk to them?   if you want to count him as "the first person who had the 'boyfriend' title," aaron.  and no, we don't.  we're friends on facebook though. have you ever watched the big bang theory, or how about glee?   i've watched and love tbbt, but i've never watched glee. are you considered a “clingy girlfriend?”   i probably would be. do you have a large dog?   she's pretty big, yeah.  we have a boxer. would you ever date someone who watched cartoons?   ... the fuck is this question??  no shit i would!! what was your last dream about?   all i remember is it was the apocalypse and i was back with jason.  he was there with me.  we somehow survived, and demons took over the world after the humans were eliminated.  everyone was trying to be heroes and such by killing them. have you ever seen a crocodile in real life?   i know i've seen alligators, don't know about crocs. if you were drunk and couldn’t walk, would the person you have feelings for, take care of you?   i kinda feel like he would if he was already there, anyway.  he wouldn't like drive somewhere to come watch me, but if he was already there, i'd at least hope he'd be kinda protective... has anyone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?   not only that i didn't want to hear, but didn't need to hear, too.  tell me again my mental illness is invalid, swear to fuck. why were you last scared?   i'm scared of myself now. do you know a secret about your last ex that would embarrass them?   something potentially might, but i doubt it.  i'd never share the information though regardless. were you a hyper or mellow kid?   i was quite hyper.  i miss that. what’s your favorite movie?   burton's "alice in wonderland" do you hate it when everyone you know is sleeping in, so you are bored?   ha ha, sometimes. how much of your time to do you spend being bored? what could cure that boredom?   honestly... almost 24/7.  i've talked about this before: jason left and took my hobbies with him.  because they feel "bad."  i take no pleasure in what i used to enjoy, like games, drawing, reading...  i honestly think the only thing that'll heal that is spending time with jason himself. what are your least favorite kind of people?   people that think mental illness isn't fucking valid is what i feel most hatred towards at the moment. describe an orgasm. (just do it, nobody will judge you here.)   hahahaha omg the person before me answered "god will judge me," i love that.  anyway, i wouldn't know. are you a picky eater?   beyond so. are you hopelessly addicted to the computer?   i mean i guess you could say that, as i'm always on... would you ever take nakey pictures of yourself?   maybe for my husband??? what cause (feminism, gay rights, abortion, etc) are you most passionate about?   abortion does your best friend have any piercings?   ears, and... i think nose.  omg i feel horrible, i'm not sure. what's better: an apology to your face or a nice apology letter?   an apology to your face. has anyone ever kissed you when you REALLY weren't expecting it? was it a good random kiss, or a bad random kiss?   i don't think so, but it's possible... what is the last thing you got a blister from?   i got one from my flip-flop rubbing against the side of my toe. do you remember the song that used to be really popular, 'she will be loved'?   I DON'T MIIIND SPENDIN' EV-ER-EE-DAAAAAY, OUT ON YOUR CORNER IN THE POURIN' RAAAAIIIIN do you have any friends who have never seen you makeup-free?   i don't. what is the worst thing that could happen to you?   the worst thing that could happen to me already happened. do you think age matters in friendship?   in friendships, absolutely not. are you more likely to eat when you’re bored or depressed?   i wouldn't be overweight otherwise. describe the nearest photograph to you?   it's jason and i at our first prom.  we're peeking at each other from around the tree. do you know anyone who has overdosed?   i know of people, but i know none directly.  well wait... my half-sister overdosed, but didn't die as she called the cops in time. the person you have feelings for says he/she wants to have sex, you say?   ... i would. kfc or popeye’s?   i don't like fried chicken. what was the name of the last pet of yours that died?   link, my former rat. have you ever had to evacuate from a natural disaster?   thank god, no. do you have any family members who are cancer survivors?   quite a few, actually.  my mom survived kidney cancer, my grandma lived through thyroid cancer i believe it was, and i think an aunt of mine had breast cancer. when was the last time you went way out of your comfort zone? what happened as a result?   uhhh i guess when i told my former boss i had to quit, and what happened is obvious. is working with animals something you enjoy? how about working with people? what would be your ideal work environment?  well, it's become clear i can't work with people.  i've had two jobs in retail, and each time, i vomited from the anxiety and when i wasn't vomiting, i was living in constant panic mode.  i haven't had a job with animals yet, but that's what i'm looking for.  the ideal job would just be where i work on my own... do you have any favorite stuffed toys?   oh yeah.  i have a stuffed meerkat named rebel from jason, and my stuffed moose named brownie is very dear to me too. would you ever get any private parts pierced?    heeeell no. do you agree with medication to treat mental illnesses or do you believe that they are a ‘stage’ that a person will grow out of?   mental.  illnesses.  need.  to be.  MEDICATED.  just like a person with asthma needs an inhaler, a mentally ill person needs medication, too!! do you ever get really paranoid about how loud you’re breathing?   i do occasionally, yes. have you ever met a person who was convinced they had supernatural powers?   i "met" a woman who thought she was jesus christ, the mother mary, and god all in one person while in the mental hospital...  she scared THE FUCK out of me. what're you thinking of RIGHT THIS MINUTE?   i actually just started thinking of jason's sick grandma outta nowhere a few seconds ago... and now i feel sad.  she was definitely dying while we were dating, so i guess she's gone now... she was a sweet lady, despite not saying much.  she seemed to like me enough. what is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?   okay, i know casual sex is gaining popularity, but me?  dude, FUCK that.  sex is supposed to be a very emotional and connecting experience.  it's not "just for fun" and shouldn't occur everytime you feel horny with someone or whatever. what are you doing right now?   doing this survey, possibly talking to jax if she's still online, and listening to "slo-mo-tion" by marilyn manson. what books, if any, have made you cry?   that i can remember, "the notebook," "a walk to remember," "old yeller," and i think i teared up in "the giver."  there was also this one book about an elderly couple we read in high school, but i cannot remember the name...  i remember tearing up. are you picky about spelling and grammar?   very much so. song you REALLY wanna fuck to?   okay, if it's with jason, i do plan on deliberately trying to woo him into having sex to "heart-shaped glasses" by marilyn manson because uh... this is terrible... but it reminds me of his ex because she always wore heart-shaped glasses and i fucking hate her for MANY reasons and idk it'd just kinda feel like a huge "fuck you" to her lmao.  yes i am a child somewhere in my heart.  just to add to it, when i get sunglasses, yeah... i found heart-shaped glasses on rebel's market and i want them. if you could have sex with anyone, who would it be?   it'd still be jason.  sorry, link neal. do your hands shake a lot?   well, i have an essential tremor that's only gotten worse over the years, so. the mere thought of anyone ever made you... you know... "moist"... downstairs?   omfg do you really have to say that word this question bothers me lmao.  but yeah. i like dirty questions, let's continue! do you masturbate? if not, why? also if not... what's the most tempted you've ever felt? you know you have at least once!   i do not masturbate because i personally find it disgustingly lustful and gross, no matter how clean you may be.  i've been tempted before once, sure.  i had a really hard time one night kinda recently when i was thinking rather sexually of jason, but i did nothing about it. do you get crazy sex hair?   i wouldn't know, but i've had some pretty wild hair from doing sexual things.  my hair was super long when we were together. is everything going to be okay?   i am the wroooong person to ask. have you ever had a pet rat?   four so far, yeah. do you like free samples?   who doesn't?! have you ever made yourself look like a fool for love?   i'm pretty sure i always do nowadays.  to be so obsessed with your ex-boyfriend... it's silly. who was the last person you slow danced with?   jason...  long time ago... has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you?   i'm pretty sure no. at concerts, are you one of those people that push and shove their way to the front, or are you one of the those people that gets there hours before in order to ensure that you get a front-row position; or do you just suck it up and stand wherever you can?   i've only been to one, at which i sucked it up and stood wherever i could. did you ever like jewel?   like one song anyway, but she has an absolutely heavenly voice. when watching scary movies/hearing scary stories/etc, what subject scares you the most?   when women are raped by demons.  just.  let's not. do you think marilyn manson looks good?   ha ha how funny, i'm actually listening to him right now!!  but anyway, VERY rarely, honestly.  in some pictures/videos he looks pretty appealing.