#I’m not even on any new meds or a new diet

[sodacowboy]

fan is on three feet away from me and I can still hear the fizz of the energy drink like a foot and a half away from me

[misctf]

Hey, dude. My dad and I have never really clicked; he always wanted me to be more athletic, like a classic jock, which, just by looking at me, it’s pretty clear would be impossible. Right now, I'm in my junior year of college, thinking about going to med school. My dad even went to college on a scholarship to play football; he was a defensive tackle, but these days he looks way more like an offensive tackle thanks to a mix of working as a foreman at a construction company, a pretty unhealthy diet, and the crazy amount of beer he downs with his buddies. And those are the memories I have from my childhood, since by the time I was born, he was way past his prime. Normally, we steer clear of each other, but today’s my birthday, and he shows up on campus with a case of beer from some brand I’ve never seen, saying he wants to celebrate the big 2-1 of his only son the right way. I appreciated the gesture, even though I hate the stuff. But not wanting to be a buzzkil I took a sip, and now I’m not feeling well while my dad’s just sitting there, grinning at me. What the hell is going on?

You place the can of beer down and stare at your dad, only to be greeted by his shit-eating smirk. A wave of nausea washes over you and the room seems to be spinning.

“What the hell is going on?” You think.

Yeah, you and your dad didn’t get along all too well. Your interest in academics and dreams of medical school are simply foreign concepts to your brutish father. But poisoning you? No way, right? You try to stand up, stumbling a bit, only to be supported by your father’s huge arm. You turn to him, eyes half-lidded.

“Wh-what did you do?” You slur.

“Don’t worry, son.” He leads you back to your chair, “Just relax.”

You writhe as your body begins to undergo a metamorphosis. Your dad grins as you cry out and rip the clothes from your body, exposing your less than ideal physique. You stare up at him, tears stinging at the corners of your eyes as you feel each and every single one of your muscles heat up. You know this shouldn’t be possible. This flies in the face of all the biochemistry you learned. Yet, as you stare at your hand, your eyes widen in terror. Your hand begins to crack and reform, becoming larger and manlier. And you watch as the process happens to your feet. Your toes breaking through your shoes, tufts of hair on each of them, their musk filling the air. The changes seem to move up your arms and legs at equal pace, packing on muscle with each contraction. And as you cry out from the pain of your metamorphosis, you notice your voice is getting deeper.

“Dad, please...” You can’t help but realize you sound like those oafish frat bros around campus, “I... I...”

But against your will, your lips form a smirk. And you can feel your jaw shifting and changing. Your messy brown hair shortening. And worse yet, you feel a fog descend over your mind. When the last of the changes finish, your dad can’t help but grin at the sight of his new and improved son. Unaware that you are still there- just watching through the new jock’s eyes.

“Yo pops,” The words leave your mouth without any of your input, “Did I like, win the lottery or somethin’ bro?” God you hate the sound of your new voice. It’s the voice of a stereotypical douchebag. Dumb, low, and dripping with an irritating smugness.

“Something like that.” He slaps your muscular back and grins, “Fuck, Jim was right. This shit works wonders.” He stares down at your beer, “So son...” He chuckles when he notices you’re completely focused on the football game on the TV.

“Fuck, I need a beer.” You feel your muscular arm reach towards your beer. A wave of panic washes over you, but your dad stops you.

“Woah, easy there.” He chuckles, “If just a sip did this to you, I can’t imagine the full bottle.” At least your dad had some common sense, you think.

For the rest of the day, you were forced to watch as a passenger in your new body. You tossed the ol’ pigskin with your dad, rated the sorority girls that walked by, and lifted some weights at the school’s gym. Your dad seemed thrilled with the new you. But as a passenger- you hated all of it. The way this body felt, the way it smelled, and especially the sound of your voice.

Your dad left later that day, leaving you trapped. But as the days pass, you start recognizing a few things. The jock that now occupies and controls your day-to-day life seems to be into two things: working-out and jerking off. And you realize that while you might not have complete control, you can at least influence the jock- and enjoy his jerk-off sessions. But you serve as his conscious. As long as you don’t interfere with his work-outs or pleasure sessions, you’re able to push him to go to class. And even though your grades are slipping, you’re at least able to prevent most of the damage.

When the semester ends, you dread your return home. Your dad is already talking about all the shit you’re going to do together. Hunting, camping- fuck, he even got you a job at his construction site. The jock in control just grins and fist bumps your dad, excited to spend time with his ol’ man. But you have to study for the medical school entrance exams. And you’re not going to let this stop you. Unfortunately, you couldn’t even begin to realize how much that stressed the stupid jock.

“Fuck!” He bellows, dropping his weights, “No, I don’t wanna fuckin’ study.” He groans, “Leave me the fuck alone, bro.” He grips his head, “I just wanna get big and fuck, alright?”

He never lashed out like this before. And part of you is worried he might do something stupid. Naturally, he does. He opens the basement fridge’s door, looking for his post-workout shake. But he grins when he sees an all too familiar case of beer. He grabs a bottle and inspects it closely.

“Aight brah, if this shit got me lookin’ like this,” He flexes his sweaty bicep, “a little more won’t hurt. Maybe this’ll shut you up.” You’re screaming for him to stop. But he flicks the cap off, “Cheers, bro.” He downs the bottle in only a few seconds, his belch filling the room.

“No, no, no...” You’re panicking now, waiting for the worst.

“See, not all that baaaaaaaaahhhhh.” The jock groans as his muscles begin to heat up.

But this time feels different to you. Not particularly the physical sensations in your muscles. But by the pressure in your head. It’s stronger. Almost like it’s enveloping the last remnants of you in a fog. You watch in the mirror through the jock’s eyes as your face takes on a more simian look. And you can hear his voice getting deeper. The words fragmenting and making less sense.

���Me bigger. It hurt!” The jock grunts, drool dripping from his mouth.

Your pecs explode with muscle, becoming two giant slabs of meat. Your arms are packing on an equally ridiculous amount of muscle, and you realize you can barely turn your head anymore from all the added muscle to your frame. The lean muscle of the handsome jock is growing- becoming that of a bodybuilder on steroids. Hair erupts across your previously clean shaven chest and abdomen, and a beard shapes your increasingly more simian face. Your forehead juts out, jaw becoming larger, and drool dripping from the corner of your mouth.

“Wait, no!” You beg as you feel something pulling you from deep within your mind. Dragging you into the fog of your new caveman-like existence.

Your dreams, desires, and pride in your academics are all being drowned suffocated in a musky, lust-filled fog that floods your mind. The only thoughts that occupy your smaller brain include lifting, flexing, and jerking off. There’s no remnant of your mind left to prevent you from engaging in your primal desires. And as your mind is molded to fully match the new you, you start to laugh. Dull, dumb, and absolutely devoid of any higher-thinking. It fills the room around you. And you collapse, hand pumping your cock- sweat pouring from your musky, hairy musculature.

When your dad comes downstairs later, he’s shocked by what he sees. Gone was the perfect jock son he created. In his place is this brutish, massive, and hairy ape of a man.

“Son?” He whimpers.

You look over at your dad and grin, “Drink good.”

And as you continue to lift your weights, your dad just stares at the empty bottle on the ground. Now realizing he should’ve just thrown the damn things out.

_______________

Please feel free to send me ideas/requests via my Inbox. Still working on a few but I've enjoyed everyone's ideas so far!

[sexydoffyman]

this one is kinda strange

so basically reader is a female, and really wants to please her partner, konig. so she tries losing weight, but ends up exaggerating and it ends in fluff. tysm if youll consider doing it <3!

SAVIOUR

genre: slight angst to fluff

characters: König

A/N: Hope ya liked it.🦖

You were never in love throughout your life. You always tried to get into a relationship, but since you didn’t fit the beauty standard, you were always met with the same answer. “Sorry, but I like thinner girls.” You never gave it much thought. You didn’t love them anyway, so why would you need to change?

That was your mindset until you met him. König. You both fell in love the moment you met. You started meeting more often and it eventually ended up being a relationship. You finally, for the first time, felt love.

Everything was just right. He was a little awkward at first, but he warmed up to you a lot over time. The longer you were together, the more you fell in love. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only thing that came into your life. You started thinking about the reasons why everyone rejected you. You looked at yourself. You immediately started to feel like you disappointed him.

He was a mountain of a man filled with muscle. You thought to yourself that a guy like König couldn’t possibly be attracted to someone like you. It made you feel sad, but you couldn’t just give up. You researched every diet you could. Most of them were just misleading, but you tried anyway. It did result in you getting thinner. Sadly, thinner doesn’t always mean healthier.

You were finally able to look at yourself, ignoring the stomach pain you had to endure every day. You were always tired. You started to get sick more often. Konig never really noticed that you became thinner, but when you started being overall less energetic and more tired, he noticed.

“Hey, are ya feeling well?” He asked worryingly. You looked at him with a smile “Why wouldn’t I be?” He looked at you even more concerned as he noticed your prominent cheekbones. “Have you started taking any new meds?” He continued questioning. “Oh common. You don’t have to worry about anything. I’m absolutely fine!” The more you spoke, to more he noticed that the shape of your face changed.

He finally noticed how much you actually changed. He looked you in the eyes and spoke. “Baby, look at yourself. You can’t possibly be healthy.” His gaze looked urgent. You continued insisting that there was nothing wrong and that he was just seeing things. You kept up the act for quite a while, but you wouldn’t be able to do so for long.

“Imagine if I started starving myself.” That, for some reason, brought you back to your senses. You bawled your eyes out to him, telling him how you thought that he was way above your league. He kept looking at you in disbelief. “Baby please just… let me help you get through this. Alright?”

After that day, he always made sure that you ate enough. And your weight started getting back to normal again. Finally, after such a long time, you managed to get over it. For years, it stuck with you. It was hidden in the back of your head.

He was the only one who was able to fix your problems. Your one true love.

[sleepyparalysisdmon]

SVT helping a partner with chronic pain/fatigue

Requested? Yes!

Genre: Comfort

A/N: I received two requests, one for chronic pain and one for chronic fatigue. I feel that these kind of go hand in hand, if only because pain can lead to fatigue or vice versa, so I’ve combined these requests to avoid too much repetition between posts. 

A/N #2: I grouped members by specific aspects for this one. That’s not to say that any of them wouldn’t do any or all of the items listed (plus more), but they’re grouped by what I think they're most suited for or would do naturally, regardless of your condition.

Helps you stay active - Seungcheol, Woozi, Seungkwan, Chan

This list kind of started as the gym rat line, but I thought better of it, so hear me out. These guys strike me as ones that really enjoy being physically active, albeit in different ways. When you tell him the doctor recommends regular exercise but you just can't bring yourself to do it, his immediate response is, “I’ll do it with you, baby.” He’ll go to the gym with you and stick with you through whatever workout you’re feeling up to today, even if it’s not quite what his workout would usually look like. He’ll ask you to go to the park to play a sport casually with lots of breaks in between, if only to reframe it as something fun rather than exercise. He might even try to teach you some choreography, not with the goal of you really learning it or being good at it, but to find some stress-free, lower-impact ways to move your body. 

Helps you find ways to get quality sleep - Hoshi, Wonwoo, Vernon

You might think one of these things doesn't belong, but I have yet another ‘hear me out’ (I’m full of them!!!). Wonwoo and Vernon both seem to value sleep and having a regular routine around it. They’ll find ways to help you relax - be it a hot shower before bed, some light reading (Wonwoo’s voice reading to you, hello??), or things like heating pads or special pillows to make sleep something that is more likely to happen for you. Now, I think Hoshi needs those things just as much as you do, if only because he needs the opportunity to recharge. Those little habits make it easier to sleep and get restorative rest. 

Helps you manage symptoms - Joshua, Mingyu, Minghao

When you tell him that your doctor recommends cutting or limiting certain things from your diet, he’s totally on board and will absolutely do it with you. The processed foods stop appearing on the grocery list. The sugary dessert after dinner is replaced by a big bowl of fresh fruit. The caffeinated drinks are replaced by non-caffeinated options or different fun substitutes entirely. He’ll never deny any of those things for you if you’re really craving them, but if eliminating and trying new things might help you then he’ll have your back. He’s also got the heating pads, massages, and pain meds on lock for when a good diet just doesn’t cut it. 

Helps you manage stress - Jeonghan, Jun, DK

He sees the cycle. You get stressed with work, school, family life, whatever. On the heels of that stress is fatigue, quickly followed by pain. He’ll do all the things mentioned above when the fatigue and pain is unavoidable, but he really likes to do things that help manage the stress to begin with. The chores are done so you don't have to dread them all day for when you get home. He’s helping you stay active, if only to work off that stress before it consumes you. He’s packing your lunch so you can get a few extra minutes of sleep or just simply take your time getting ready for the day. It’s the little things that you might not even notice he does all the time, but when you remember you needed to do something and find that it’s already been done, you get a moment to sigh in relief and just rest. 

[in1-nutshell]

I know I just made a request that is similar but Can I request a scenerio where the batfamily have the buddy with the symbiote living at Wayne manor basically becoming adopted by Bruce? They do their best to protect the innocent and somehow become well acquainted with some of the roughs like harley quinn, poison ivy, and even killer croc.

More Venom Buddy!

Hope you enjoy!

Bat Buddy with Symbiote with Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, and Killer Croc

SFW, Platonic, Slight Familial, Human reader

BATFAMILY

Buddy was adopted by Bruce before they bonded with Venom.

They had been training to be a hero with Batman before a certain field trip left them with a friend for life.

Well, it didn’t start that way with the side effect of the bond showing first.

It took the combined efforts of Dick, Barabra, Jason, Tim, Stephanie, Duke and Damian for Bruce to realize something was wrong with Buddy.

When Bruce got out a needle to take a blood sample, Venom mistook this as an act of violence and ‘defended’ his host.

After a lot of screaming and yelling later, Buddy is explaining how they got bonded with Venom.

The symbiote perched on their shoulder giving Bruce the stink eye.

It took time for the Batfamily to get used to the new normal with Buddy, yet they knew that they would still be a bit of an outlier amongst them.

Thankfully they found friends in unlikely places.

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy

The three of them had a pretty good relationship before they had bonded with the symbiote.

Buddy liked hanging out with the pair after patrol if they promised not to create big disturbances.

The pair was probably one of the first to notice Buddy’s body changes when they were first bonded with Venom.

Harley cupping Buddy’s face: “Geez hun, you look sick.” Buddy gently pushing her hands off their face: “Its fine Harley.” Harley: “Maybe take some meds, get some sun and eat a bit more.” Harley looks at Buddy worriedly: “You’re growing a bit too thin Bud, your still growing!” Ivy handing Buddy a couple of fruits: “Eat these now. Then we talk about your diet, I can smell the tater tots and chocolate from your jacket.” Buddy stuffing their face with an orange: “Not my fault they taste so good…”

It was a little while later that Buddy decided to trust the antihero duo with Venom’s secret and new alias.

Yes, they were freaked out a bit.

Yes, Harley threatens Venom if he ever hurts their favorite Bat.

Ivy wanted to find out a safe way to get Venom and Buddy separated without killing the other.

A week later the four of them are having a movie night, face masks, popcorn bowls, face masks (yes, they somehow managed to get one on Venom), LOADS of chocolate, and fluffy blankets and matching PJ’s.

Buddy sandwich between Harley and Ivy while Venom’s head was happily getting fed chocolate by Harley

He denies any purring.

If Venom heard that the pair was in trouble, he would immediately take over and come to their rescue, not that Buddy would have much to say about it.

Killer Croc

Waylon was a special case.

Buddy had a ‘bad habit’ as their siblings would say, of visiting some of the asylum patients by themselves.

Venom would later agree with them once he found out about this habit.

They had made it their mission to make sure that the villains were getting proper treatment and the help they needed.

Croc was one of the harder patients to crack.

But they made sure to always visit him whenever they had the chance to go into the asylum.

Croc soon began to look forward to their little meetings.

Knew right off the bat that something was wrong with Buddy when they first came to him after bonded with Venom.

Killer croc looking at a pale and exhausted Buddy. Killer croc: “You okay kid? You look dead.” Buddy nervously laughing: “I’ve been worse Waylon. I’m fine.” Killer croc: “You look anything but fine. You sure that you don’t have a parasite--” Venom coming from Buddy’s shoulder: “PARASITE!?” Killer croc jumping a few feet back: “GEEZ!” Buddy rubbing their head: “Here we go again…”

After a lot of talking, persuasion and promises of another 2 boxes of chocolate, Venom calmed down enough to explain with Buddy their new relationship.

Croc was worried about Buddy even more now.

What if their family found out?

What if some scientist did?

Or the government?

Or worse… Amanda Waller finding out.

He lets them know right off the bat that if they ever needed a place to lay low that to come to him no matter what was after them.

While also threatening Venom and making him promise to keep them safe.

There was a lot of hostility between Croc and Venom for a while, until the two started talking.

They could agree on two things.

Humans and heroes sucked sometimes.

And they needed to protect Buddy.

[kalinihta]

𝐂. 𝐇𝐎𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐃 — 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐆𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐋

a/n: my first post on this account (and fiction writing in months)! i’m not that great of a writer so corrections are appreciated but please don’t be rude to me or anyone on my blog. i hope you enjoy this:)

_________________________________________________

plot: reader is a jazz singer in the wastelands and she sings about her husband of a lifetime.

trope: cooper howard x reader, the ghoul x reader

fandom: fallout

_________________________________________________

even after the bombs, the living still needed entertainment. good thing i was still alive. i owned a small little jazz club downtown of filly, many people came to see me — ghouls, raiders, you name it. i made my living off bottlecaps from the entry fee and tips. 20 bottle caps for entry and i usually got tips above 30. i used my caps to buy meds, meds for my husband.

my husband’s a ghoul, somehow im not. i was already examining a vault when the bombs had dropped. coop had a birthday party gig, i felt i shouldve begged him to come with me to the vault, but i hadn’t. i should’ve trusted my instincts that day. nonetheless i still love him, hes still a divine being in my eyes.

currently, im backstage getting ready for a performance. cooper was out hunting a bounty, said he might be back in a couple days. i sighed as i combed my hair, i held my gaze in the mirror. if something were to happen to him i dont know what i’d do.

standing up, i examined myself in the mirror.

i think im ready..

as i walked out of the room i gave dogmeat i quick pet before walking out on stage. my heels clicked on the medium sized stage, gazes locked on my body, and commotion erupted. cat calls and claps echoed through the small club. one i had reached the mic i turned to my piano player and nodded. he smiled and began to play.

You're no good for me

Baby, you're no good for me

You're no good for me

But baby, I want you, I want…

i paused for a moment, a small blanket of whistles covered my ears. i took a breath and closed my eyes.

Diet mountain dew, baby, New York City

Never was there ever a girl so pretty

Do you think we'll be in love forever?

Do you think we'll be in love?

Baby, put on heart shaped sunglasses

'Cause we gonna take a ride

I'm not gonna listen to what the past says

I've been waiting up all night

i heard the old doors of the club open, but i didnt pay any attention and kept singing. silent foot steps echoed the club as i kept my eyes closed. i heard them pause for a moment before sitting on one of the many squeaky chairs.

Hurt me and tell me you're mine

I don't know why but I like it

Scary? My God, you're divine

Gimme them, gimme them dope and diamonds

whispers and mumbling always came up during this song. they speculated my lover physically hurt me, when it was never physically. he always had a way with my heart, and no matter how much bad news he told me i always was there for him. it’s not like he abused me, oh no, never. it was just sad to see him go through so much that it even hurt me.

as i sang along, i slowly opened my eyes to gaze around the room. many men’s stares and some women smiling and talking. as my eyes roamed i spotted a familiar cowboy. my eyes widened slightly seeing him here, he said he wouldn’t be back for days… i pushed away that thought and lightly smiled at him, holding his gaze. the song ended, i thanked everyone for being there and went off the stage and left the band to play. claps and whistles erupted as i left the stage.

as i cleaned off my makeup, i felt a hand on my shoulder. i looked up in the mirror and smiled.

“you know, that makeup made you awfully pretty, darlin’.”

i giggled. i looked up at him and held the hand that was on my shoulder.

“you did pick it out, remember? 200 years ago…”

i spoke softly. his hard gaze softened lightly, brushing my hair with his hand. he pressed a kiss to my head and held me for a moment.

“you said you wouldn’t be back for days, what happened?”

“well, sweetheart, the guy just so happened to be traveling on his way to filly. speaking of filly…”

he reached in his pocket, rummaging for a moment. he pulled out a beautiful ring that looked oh so familiar. our engagement ring.

he held it out between his two fingers, his gaze all over his face. i sighed deeply, tears building up. he softly smiled, wiping the tears that did fall.

“i just so happened to find our engagement rings. the rings that had been stolen from us, oh so, long ago, darlin’.”

“thank you…”

i breathed out. i was so surprised he found them, the same rings that matched our eyes. they were very dear to us, my ring matched his eyes, and his matched mine. i let him slide the ring on my finger, i gazed at it before jumping to give him a hug. he stood still for a moment, slowly moving to encase me in his grasp.

“do you find me scary, sweetheart?”

“scary? my god, you’re divine…”

i pulled back slightly to look at him. my hands held his face. we both leaned in and encased ourselves in a kiss, a soft embrace.

[because-of-a-friend]

Band-Aid

MASTERLIST

Hi guys, I’m back! Sorry I was gone for so long, I got so busy this past year, I thought I might have to retire this blog for good. But I’m going to try and make time for it, let’s hope it works out this time!

Disclaimer: It has been a LONG time since I’ve written ~anything~ so I am plenty rusty lol.

Thanks for the request anon! This is such a cute prompt! Hope I delivered! After this I’ll have four drafts left and then I can answer the requests in my inbox!

Warnings: Mentions injuries/illnesses, blood, let me know if I missed anything!

Word Count: 1k

Remember that gifs aren’t mine! If you like them, pls click through to show their OPs some love!

You have to laugh as Seungcheol loudly announces to Jeonghan that his head is hurting

You two have been going through this cycle since you were first hired a few months ago

At the beginning, Coups had an excuse to talk to you all the time

Since you were new to the team, he took point on explaining important info to you

What allergies the boys had

Previous injuries you needed to be aware of

Where they generally kept their first-aid supplies

But once you had it all down, there was no reason for him to talk to you on a daily basis

But by this point, Cheol had realized that he very much liked speaking to you

He felt that you two had connected well and wanted to get to know you more

But since you were on the med team, you were often quite busy seeing as there were thirteen members that were in constant need of check-ups, aid with different levels of injuries, and general everyday care to combat the strain they put on their bodies

You hardly ever had time to just speak to him

The only time you really could 

Was when you were treating him

So Seungcheol had started to come up with any excuse under the sun to come and talk to you

First he was constantly complaining that he must have sprained his wrist, or twisted his ankle or pulled a muscle

Then he was constantly getting stomache aches

After that he was getting rashes or little scratches

Now he was in a phase of faking headaches to come and talk to you about it

You knew all of his injuries were fake from the very beginning

He stopped cradling his first “sprained wrist” to tell Seungkwan off for being too loud

He ate full meals that the other boys ordered even when he had his “stomach aches”

You had started carrying around makeup wipes to clean off his supposed “scratches and rashes”

Someone complaining of a headache was a little harder to disprove though

But you were sure you’d catch him somehow

You had begun to enjoy playing this little game with him

As well as the time you got to spend with him because of it

“Well you don’t have a fever,” you tucked your thermometer back into your medical bag

Seungcheol sat in front of you with a pout on his face

“Are there any other symptoms?” you ask

Seungcheol dutifully shakes his head

“Well do you want a pain reliever? Or maybe I should tell them to send you home and rest?” you feel his forehead once more for good measure

“Oh...” he hesitates, “I don’t think it’s serious enough for either of those...”

You smile to yourself

It was quite cute to watch him fumble with trying to feign sickness without  exposing himself

“Well should we schedule an appointment with a neurologist to make sure this isn’t a problem?” you push him further

“No, you take care of me well enough” Seungcheol beams

“Well we have to find a solution eventually,” you sigh. “How’s your water intake? Or did you add anything new to your diet? Increase your screentime?”

“No, they just started out of nowhere,” Seungcheol shrugs innocently

“Well I suppose I can let you go for today but, if it happens again, I’m sending you to the doctor”

“[Y/N]!” one of the managers calls for you. “We need your help prepping supplies for the next concert.”

You give Cheol a bit of a smug look, knowing you’ve backed him into a corner with his latest fake sickness and then

You rush off to help

Seungcheol sighs as he watches you leave

He just lost another excuse to spend time with you

Later that evening Joshua watches with pure amusement as Seungcheol paces back and forth in the dorm 

“Should I say I think I have a sinus infection? Or maybe I could claim of frequent muscle spasms... I feel like constipation has to be my last move.”

“I feel like constipation is a never move,” Joshua interrupted. “Just tell [Y/N] that you like them.”

“I can’t do that, what if they don’t even like me?” Seungcheol complains

“Well then you have an answer and you can stop wasting both of your time,” Josh shrugs

“Wasting time,” Seungcheol repeats. “What if they really don’t like me and I’ve just been annoying [Y/N] this whole time?” 

He hates the feeling settling in the pit of his stomach

He begins to remember all the times you would shut him down as quick as possible 

Or when you would rush off to help someone else as soon as you were done exposing a fake injury of his

How you would sigh and roll your eyes before walking away

Apparently he failed to notice the playful look on your face as you did so

“What? I don’t think [Y/N] would put up with it if you were truly wasting their time,” Joshua protests

“No, I really should stop. It’s [Y/N]’s job and I should leave them alone to do it. Let’s just start getting ready for the concert tomorrow”

Seungcheol’s mood is noticably down for rehearsals the next day

The other boys are off because of it and they’re trying all they can to cheer him up

You notice as well and begin to wonder if Seungcheol is genuinely sick for once 

And then you feel really worried because he usually would use any excuse to come speak to you but he’s not even trying to mention what’s obviously bothering him

“Are you feeling alright?” you corner him, once again pressing a hand to his forehead

“I am, just worried about this performance,” Cheol reaches up to grab your hand, his thumb pressing into your palm as he pulls it away from his head

Then he just walks off

You feel really uneasy about the concert

Everyone else does too

Seungcheol may not be exhibiting any symptoms of sickness but it’s obvious he’s distracted and not ready to perform

Anxieties rise throughout the day but quickly stave off as the concert begins

As usual, Seventeen pulls through and the concert goes well

Even with Cheol somewhat distracted 

But the good feelings end as quickly as they begin

When Cheol falls during a song 

At first it looks like just a simple stumble

But as your watching the big screen, you see the horrified expression form on Seungkwan’s face as he looks down at his leader

You rush to the side of the stage as the other members help him off

They set him down on a chair in front of you and run back off to do crowd control

You quickly see why Seungkwan had seemed so disturbed

When Cheol had tripped, he had fallen against one of the stage props and scraped up his shin

The wound didn’t seem deep but it was large and producing plenty of blood

Coups feels terrible

Not even 24 hours after he decided to leave you alone

And here is a situation where you have to be with him

He can’t even think of his injury

He can only think of how he’s going to apologize and get out of your hair

He’s tested ten different apologies in his head before he actually looks at you

Your hands are gentle as you clean the blood and sanitize the wound

Cheol notices how you hesitate everytime you rub the disinfectant over his leg, seeing if it’ll cause him pain or not 

There is a time where it does sting and he sucks in his breath

You look up at him and Cheol’s heart clenches

You look so worried

Your eyebrows are furrowed and there’s sweat on your forehead 

“Does it hurt a lot? I promise I’m almost done” you say 

Your voice is so genuine and kind

Cheol has to stop himself from grinning at how sweet and caring you’re being

“I’m ok, do what you need to do”

You wrap the bandages carefully once the wound is clean, even going back over where you feel you didn’t do a good enough job

“Does that feel ok?” you stand and put a hand on his shoulder, indicating with your other hand that he should move his leg and test the wrappings

He nods, “Thank you”

Then he gets up and heads towards the stage

“Woah,” you stop him with a hand on his chest, “where are you going?”

 He grabs your hand the same way, a thumb pressed to your palm, but he doesn’t move it away from him this time

“Back out,” he gives you the smile he uses when he wants something

“You can’t go back out there,” you insist, hoping he can’t feel how warm you’re getting while he holds your hand

“It would be best for the fans to see that I’m ok,” Cheol says more seriously this time

You think it over

“...You’ll have to sit in a chair for the rest of the performance,” you insist

“I’ll accept that with my own condition,” Cheol is beaming at you again

“And what would that be?” you laugh

“I take you to dinner after”

Before you can respond, he pulls you towards him, kisses your cheek, and runs off onto the stage with a chair

And your hand flies to your own forehead to check your tempertature

[bodypositiviteaandcakes]

Not sure who needs to hear this but like, you’re SUPPOSED to gain weight as you transition from your late teens to early through mid 20’s. ESPECIALLY afab people (Amab people also, I’m just speaking from the perspective of an afab person who struggled with body image at this age). Like, you’re transitioning from your “awkward teen body” to your grown-up body. I’m not gonna say numbers on this blog because it’s not the point, but I gained a decent amount between the ages of 18-25, mostly around 22-23. Because despite the fact that I don’t want kids, my body is still preparing for childbirth. My biology was naturally like “okay bby let’s make pregnancy safe for you” and that meant putting on weight, getting more curves… etc. it’s normal. But it was something that for some reason, people felt like it was okay to comment on. My mom, for all her good intentions, literally tried to starve me back into my “young teen body” the second I started putting on weight as I hit biological womanhood, and it fucked me up for a long time. It’s still something I have to remind myself of- my weight gain in my 20’s is normal and steady and its OKAY to grow into an adult body at those ages and gain weight and not something people should comment on. But diet culture and these fucked up societal beauty standards have literally caused people to forget what normal body evolution looks like. Even if you’re not on any new meds (and if you are, doubly so!)

So hey, if you’re at a transition point in your life and your clothes don’t fit- it’s okay. It’s normal. Get them taken out, or get new clothes if you can, but don’t change your body to fit the clothes. Our bodies naturally change shape as they age. It’s normal. It’s okay. You’re fine. You’re beautiful.

[dogtiber]

journal update because I haven’t done one of those for a hot minute!!!

vet stuff: vet has Tiber back on a prescription diet following a lack full of improvement in his stools after his last tummy bug treatment.

he’s been on it for like a week and is already doing so much better tho! definitely happy even if getting the food is a pain in the ass and expensive. vet is trying to get us discounts for the food but there have been issues with getting that to go through, so that’s on hold for now much to the dismay of dadtiber’s wallet.

he’s been protesting the Sidewalk Snack Stopper. we did training to make sure he we comfy and happy with the muzzle but he has opinions lol. he’s happy to put it on and wear it around but I get pouty sits and dirty looks every time it actually prevents him from eating trash and poop.

he just sits down and makes the most affronted faces lol.

he’s also got a new lump we’re keeping an eye on this week, but vet thinks it’s benign and just some inflammation around a possible bruise. unfortunately she couldn’t prescribe the usual anti-inflammatory since last time Tiber had it, it made him sick. and she said he’s a bit young for her to want to put him on steroids. but he doesn’t seem to be in any pain, so just slower recovery time and monitoring for now.

she’s also got him trying a little natural anti-anxiety medication. tbh I’m a little frustrated at having to do the otc options first, since we’ve tried various sprays and calming treats already, but I get that she wants us to try all our options first before SSRIs. and she seems concerned also about introducing a new med to his system while we’re still sorting out the Tummy Troubles.

I am mostly just worried since we’re moving overseas spring of next year, and I think starting anxiety meds will really help with his home alone training, which will help in case we need to transport him via cargo.

I am starting the process of sorting out all his travel paperwork and vaxxes and also looking into options for cabin travel and boy oh boy are they expensive.

he’s just a tad heavier than where most airlines cut off for pets as carry ons, so having to look into either boutique airlines with higher weight limits or booking a private charter. which even if sharing costs with other people flying pets, is still gonna run north of 7k. 😭

the current boutique options are still in the thousands, and looking like I’m gonna have to do some road-tripping with him down to Europe and then fly from there to the states and then road-trip from NJ to wherever we end up on top of that.

and that’s IF we’re in the states lmao. dadtiber’s work might also put him in Japan (which he would love to get and is trying hard for) so we’re still going to be up in the air about where we’re moving for a while.

yay me for having to sort out several different moving contingencies for puppy lmao. it would be so much easier and affordable to send him via checked baggage or cargo, but god I know it would probably traumatize him. and we’d prefer to be able to choose to just pay the expense for the best option for *him* over us. but goddamn. 7-10k$ is. tough.

but I’ve got a year to work on it so fingers crossed either I find a more affordable option or can get his separation and confinement anxiety managed. (realistically trying to find a cheaper travel option is gonna be more feasible even if it’s near impossible let’s face it lmao Tiber is like 17 anxieties and a bad tummy in a dog-shaped trench coat :’))

but!!! time for fun update stuff!!!

he has been learning to bring the ball back reliably when we play fetch! I figured out finally that throwing the ball again was a better reward for him than treats, but I’m too slow to throw it again for him to make the connection that bring-to-me equals ball-goes-again-asap until I tried using two balls that I could throw immediately once he dropped it. such a simple solution lol but he finally got it! we’ve been having much more fun at the park now. I think he’s liking having the high energy activity, and I like that throwing a ball takes less energy out of me than longer walks.

he is learning to be a better snuggler! 🥰 finally figuring out how to cuddle up instead of sitting on you in the most inconvenient and uncomfortable ways. he does still come to sit on you though sometimes. his favorite way of comforting me if I seem tired or upset is still to put his butt on my head.

his recall has been improving lots too, and he’s consistently polite on the lead now too. still having trouble being *neutral* about other dogs, but he’s being much more polite now, and won’t run over without permission. very proud of him! it’s also kind of funny to watch the gears turn in his brain too. he will usually sit down like “mom I’m being so good and calm see sitting down very calm PLS PLS PLS can I go play with other dog now????? if I stay extra still and make good eye contact with you I can go play??”

reintroducing his crate is going nicely too. I haven’t worked up the bravery on my part yet to do more than just close the door and immediately reopen it on him, but he goes to hang out there frequently and happily now. so glad that at least he seems to feel consistently positive about it now.

it’s just been so nice watching him grow up into himself and spending lots of time hanging out with him and doing Tiber things. I’m loveb him so much. he is the silliest goose.

these last few weeks have been a bit rough since dadtiber and I have both been sick, so we’ve been exhausted by him. but even when we’re run ragged he really is just a good little companion. just the neatest little guy! in my home! licking my knees! dogs are great man. Tiber is best puppy.

[unsafe-chikku]

My relationship with food was always about guilt until fairly recently. I never had the drive to not eat the big carbs and sugars bc I perceived it all as all or nothing. I was a slob and doomed to be ugly and fat.

One of the main reasons (and I’m not joking) was seeing this commercial at the formative age of 13:

And another one I can’t remember that literally showed people with gigantic bits of “unhealthy”food in key places (thighs, belly, butt) and the tag “you are what you eat” .

One of the many driving keys to my extreme depression in my 20s was also extreme self hatred.

I was on a medication for hallucinations that came about from this extreme depression, and unknown to me, it was making me gain weight at a rapid pace even more than my normal antidepressants. ( I was switched off of it years later).

I had no idea it was the meds making me gain weight. So I assumed I was just such a peice of ugly shit that I couldn’t even have self discipline to not eat like a pig.

It didn’t help that my dad always had a quip about not ending up “ten pounds of potatoes in a five pound sack” and his mean comments about overweight people said to us as quiet jokes in public places. My mom was kinder but always tried to help me not gain weight with unsolicited advice.

It was probably way worse for my older sister who was deemed overweight from age 12 onward. (Turned out to be pcos. She even had aunts of ours telling her to stop eating all carbs and shit as a teenager. )

I went through a lot of diets from my teens onward., and only ended up hating myself more.

It was through realizing I was trans and through that accepting and learning to love my self and my body at any size and shape that I started to figure out how to live in a healthier way without getting angry when I “failed”. This was a very very slow process.

Actual info about how to actually be healthy becoming more mainstream than before especially online also helped.

Then I got a new psych who fixed my meds and I lost 20 pounds instantly.

And now that I have more motivation to move and eat better than ever before, there is a side affect of losing weight that I am watching with surprise and a strange sense of neutrality.

Like, If I lose weight bc of a healthier lifestyle, thats ok, it’s that’s not the goal, that’s just part of it for me for as long as it lasts. bc that weight wasn’t my natural size in a healthier lifestyle, if that makes sense?

So overall it ended ok but I wish I could go back and tell little and newly young adult me that they aren’t ugly failures for wanting to eat carbs.

[snezfics-n-shit]

Sicktember Day 3: "What Happened To Your Phenomenal Immune System, Huh?"

Fandom: Ace Attorney Characters: Franziska von Karma, Adrian Andrews, Larry Butz Notes: Set vaguely during the final stretch of the 7yg, Franziska and Adrian are married. Larry frequently visits for business purposes, given Franziska’s likeness is heavily used in his hit book: Franzy’s Whippity-Whip Trip. This time, Franziska had the opportunity to attend one of Larry’s events promoting the all-new German language release of the book. The thing about these events, however, is they’re practically a petri dish with some books scattered around.

     They both warned her.

Well, Adrian just gave loving advice to be careful while Larry warned that getting sick after attending his book signing events was inevitable the first few times. Franziska was absolutely certain that such a fate could not befall her; not only was her diet and exercise routine absolutely impeccable, but international investigations had already exposed her to just about everything. 

Unfortunately, it seemed ‘everything’ did not include the breeding ground of viruses that was a crowded public library storytime circle. To make matters worse, the absolute chaos it was in a library of all places, where it should be quiet, left Franziska completely exhausted. Perhaps even a phenomenal immune system like hers had met a more than worthy foe this time.

Ugh.

“Hey, honey,” Adrian sweetly whispered as she cracked open the bedroom door, “are you getting up soon? Larry made us breakfast.”

“Yeah, in a minute.” Just speaking felt like sandpaper in Franziska’s throat. Where did her voice go? She hardly used it, so explaining it away as a result of straining was out of the question.

“If you want, I’m sure a few extra minutes of sleep won’t hurt. You’ve had a pretty busy week, after all.” Adrian had mastered pushing all the right buttons to encourage her wife to rest; even if Franziska had improved in admitting when she was less than a hundred percent, it never hurt whenever the subject was approached delicately. 

Larry, on the other hand…

Larry was the personification of the captioned images of two dogs in various predicaments, saying something like: “a good friend will help you out of a bad situation, but a best friend will laugh and say ‘I told you so.’” A best friend. Five years ago, Franziska considered the very idea of friends, let alone best friends, to be just plain foolish. Five years ago, she considered the very idea of Larry being her friend was simply beyond foolish. Now she was working with him on his books based on her likeness, and both she and Adrian had come to quite enjoy his visits. 

Times like these, however, Franziska ever so slightly wished she had the same mindset as she had back then.

“The plague got ya, huh, Franzy?” Larry’s teasing startled Adrian. “Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to sneak up on you.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Adrian smiled before lowering her voice. “I don’t think she wants you to draw attention to that, though.”

“‘That?’” Larry took a while for the words to register. “Oh! Her being sick? When you said she felt really warm this morning, I thought that meant she was past this whole overconfidence in her immune system thing.” 

“I was not overconfident!” Franziska interjected, quickly regretting her volume as the words had scratched against her throat. “I just… thought you were exaggerating.” She sniffled and massaged her temples. “Everything hurts.”

“Lucky for you, I have a lot of lozenges, cold meds, and painkillers in my suitcase.” Larry beamed. “Thanks for your private jet not having a luggage check, by the way. I’m pretty sure at least one of the med brands I brought with me is illegal here…”

“I–” Franziska broke into a fit of coughing, prompting her to file away any objection she was about to raise. “If they work, I might not regret such a grave error on my part.” 

“Thank you so much, Larry.” Adrian chose to ignore the potential of Larry having unintentionally smuggled illegal goods. If they helped her wife feel better, surely they couldn't be too bad. 

“Thank you, Larry Butz.” Franziska croaked out the words her past self could have never imagined saying. 

“You’re gonna feel better in no time!” Larry gave a thumbs-up before listing his agenda. “I know Nick’s mom’s soup recipe by heart, I’ll grab you extra pillows if you want, and I saw you had those really expensive tissues, so if you need those…” His rambling faded as he headed downstairs, enthusiastic as ever.

“He’s such a good guy,” Adrian chuckled softly, “we never have to lift a finger when he’s here.” She made herself comfortable in the bed, snuggling up to Franziska. “I’d say that’s a good excuse for some time for us.” 

Franziska, not wanting to risk losing the last bit of voice she had, responded with a kiss on her wife’s cheek. Adrian may not have had the immune system that Franziska insisted she had, but if she were to get sick when the two had minimal responsibilities, that would not be bad at all.

[little-robin-h00d]

Hey the anti-vegan post u rbed really sucks. It puts all vegans (95% of whom just think factory farming is horrible and don’t want to hurt animals in their diet) in a box that is labeled “anti-indigenous, stupid, radical, and crazy”.

Most vegans don’t even try to convince people because they know how their seen. Advocacy against factory farming is not the same as demeaning native practices.

There’s a person replying on the side of vegans in the comments and I think you should read some of what they’re saying because they explain why the post is wrong and harmful. I’m not coming at you with anger btw I like you and your account. But that post is just super harmful and I’m hoping that you would be interested in reading thoughts from the other side and maybe changing your opinion.

Hey there! I appreciate you coming here with a non-aggressive stance, but I think there's been a bit of a miscommunication. Similar to how when people talk about White People(TM), or Christians(TM), they are not saying every single person in the group is bad- they are talking about a specific subsect of the group that uses the ideology and privilege to harm. There are white people who do their best to dismantle the white supremacy they've been taught and advocate for POC, and there are Christians who do follow the teachings of loving thy neighbor and don't use their religion as a kudgel to beat others with- same with veganism.

Someone choosing to be vegan or vegetarian is completely fine- and I will gladly do my best to accommodate all diets, allergies, and food sensitivities when eating with other people. My best friend is vegetarian, and I always have stuff they can eat stocked away in the fridge for whenever they visit.

However, when it's portrayed as the "only ethical way", and that all humans should consume zero animal products- and then these people saying that get POWER, and spread misinformation- is where the issue lies. It's the PETA bitches we're talking about, not some random person who may have a million reasons for personally going vegan. It's their life, it's not harming anyone, cool beans.

Unfortunately, we have yet to come up with the proper language in English to effectively reference these dangerous subgroups, and it would take a while to spread and become common knowledge even if we do find a proper term for it- but having to explain that in every single post we make about oppressive or dangerous groups like that is a waste of time and effort that could be put to better use, and essentially arguing about semantics.

Also, these are personal Tumblr blogs, the vast majority of the time only having one person running them- you cannot expect the same vetting of language and such things in a post on someone's blog as would be on a scientific or news article.

As someone who loves meat and cheese and other animal products: I hate factory farms too! But we aren't gonna solve the massive problems with animal abuse by stopping eating any animal-related products. We cannot personal choice our way out of systemic issues- that's an astroturf campaign so many people have fallen for in so many different areas. From climate change and voting rights, to animal welfare and plastic use. These things are simply out of the hands of ordinary people like you and me, and it's why collective action is so important.

I also believe it's a bit of a waste of time to get upset at people who are rightfully critiquing these groups, rather than get upset at the groups themselves for tarnishing the names of innocent people like you.

TL;DR: If the post doesn't describe you, it's not about you.

I do hope you have a good day, and I apologize if this post is a bit of a mess. I've been severely sick for over a month now and am only just starting to recover, I only got 5 hours of sleep, and haven't even taken my meds today because I've been too nauseous.

[lucysweatslove]

Vyvanse Day 4 today! Just took the 20mg.

Yesterday was my first day on 20mg, and I seemed to be doing okay. However, I somehow decided that a cold brew coffee (with ice so idk how many oz really) after the museum + 32oz Diet Dr. Pepper a few hours after that was a good idea. I didn’t finish all of the coffee (honestly, I forgot about it), but that’s still like 250mg of caffeine. One Ghost is 200mg, and a Rockstar is 160mg, and I can only handle like one of those in a day and I still get jittery (even before starting any ADHD med).

Suffice it to say, I did get some high HR notifications and in the afternoon I just felt… a little off I guess. I can’t quite explain it.

It was still much better/more tolerable than the Strattera. Ironic to me that a non-stimulant med was worse than the actual stimulant that turns into actual amphetamine via red blood cells*

It also didn’t seem to have much effect in keeping me awake or keeping me more “alert,” but it didn’t increase somnolence either? Like the Strattera had me taking 2 hour naps no matter what, but the Vyvanse at that dose didn’t seem to impact me on that front.

Attention wise, the jitteriness made it a little hard to focus on its own. I also just… decided I didn’t want to read. I finished an audiobook and got some online shopping done, though.

Today I am going to be mindful of my caffeine intake and only have some of a Rockstar (I just feel like I need something since even 2 hours after waking, I’m pretty tired this morning). Tomorrow I meet with the PMHNP again to check in, so I’d like to get a good feeling for how I’m doing on the 20s.

An annoying thing about these scheduled drugs: you can’t write for titration very well. For Vyvanse, my insurance has a dispensing limit of 30 pills every 30 days inclusive of strength. Idea being that it’s harder to share/sell them, or take more than intended, if you’re limited and cannot get more. Given that Vyvanse is available in 10mg increments you can technically do all titration with one pill/day. This works out well if you’re on an established dose or only going up 10mg or whatever in a month etc. The problem is that when you’re determining dose, especially when somebody is historically very sensitive, you’re stuck with the dose prescribed for as long as you have pills. I got 14 pills of 10mg for a 14 day supply, but I’m taking 20mg now, so I will “run out” of 10s before the end of the 14 days. They may not approve a new rx before 14 days, or only approve 16 pills until Aug 5, etc. And we may even want to go up to 30mg eventually which makes it hard to know how many pills to send in of the 20s and when. Which means I will NECESSARILY have to take the drug “not as prescribed” (skipping some days) until we find the right dose.

* I’m not kidding; Vyvanse is basically amphetamine with a lysine added to it, and the lysine part makes it relatively inactive. It goes into your blood, and there is an enzyme in red blood cells that will cleave the lysine away from the amphetamine and then you get the nice stimulant effect from the amphetamine! It’s designed this way because the cleaving is a slow step so it slows the rate you get dextroamphetamine, reducing a sharp high and abuse potential + somewhat increasing time of effect. Also should note that dextroamphetamine =/= methamphetamine. Methamphetamine has a small methyl group at the end (where Vyvanse has lysine) and this changes it a lot. Vyvanse primarily becomes dextroamphetamine via a very specific enzyme that only removes lysine (it won’t remove just the small methyl group). Much of methamphetamine is converted to a different amphetamine compound, not dextroamphetamine, so it’s *not* the same drug.

Also Vyvanse’s generic name is lisdexamphetamine: lis (lysine) + dex (dextro) + amphetamine. Generics do generally have a logic behind them yeah?

[eroticcannibal]

I got a medical question and if u got time love your opinion on it. for years I’ve had nausea and something I’ve been able to do to fix it is to not eat in the mornings until 11. (I went to the doctors and nothing was helping/figuring out why but this genuinely took me from getting nauseous everyday to almost once a week. And not just nauseous in mornings if I ate when I first woke up I was more likely to get a stomach even at like 3. Why? Who knows) But recently I started a medication for something entirely different and the meds are an appetite suppressant. I don’t have to take it with food (at first I was on meds that I had to take with food and not only did they not work as well I had to eat a ton of food or id get all loopy). I still have the thing where if I eat before 11 I’ll get a stomachache either right away or later but I keep accidentally skipping my first meal and it’ll be close to 2pm and all I have to eat that day is a couple of apples. It’s been really fucking with me actually because all of a sudden I’ll be starving and kinda useless for a while until I eat and digest some. I’m going to try and just eat smaller meals through out the day. My question is do u have any other recommendations for making sure I eat enough and do u know how much a person is supposed to eat? I’m only asking because for a couple days I was eating around 2 meals per day by accident and then it all hit me at ounce and I had a terrible day that only got better after I ate literally everything in my sight. When I tried to google this all I got was dieting tips lmao

Ok yes I can help here! So first rip I am also dealing with eating nausea and lack of appetite and it sucks.

MEAL REPLACEMENT DRINKS. or any kind of fancy supplement drink. Just anything that's got Something Extra in it. Drinking your calories counts you don't *have* to eat. Even milk will do. I swear by milkshakes if someone is ill and can't keep food down.

Also nibly snacks. Stuff you can keep in your pocket and mindlessly munch on. Cus then its more a habit than intentionally eating.

As for how much you need to eat, thats maths, and maths sucks. 2000 calories should be your absolute minimum if you do fuck all all day like my cripple ass does. I like my new fitbit cus it does the maths for me and then if I like, go out, it tells me how much extra I need to eat. I'm sure there's a way of actually working out how much you need yourself but! Thats maths! So I dont know!

[nuhaikuu]

Feeling Sad and Frustrated

Instead of overthinking and getting into some kind of mental loop, I thought I would just list out the positives and negatives of the day.

Negatives

• My nose is still running and drippy and causing me to cough and wheeze. It’s been like this all day. And I could not really enjoy the book I brought with me to read because I was suffering too much and didn’t feel like reading.

•My hair is growing out funny and I’ve been wanting to get a haircut since last week. I couldn’t get it last week because of the hurricane. And this week it’s because I still feel sick from my lingering cold/allergies. I just want to look nice again and feel good about myself, but I can’t seem to make any progress.

• I’m thinking about starting a new Booktube channel because I don’t want to niche myself with horror and gothic stuff. I enjoy watching many booktubers who do not like that stuff and I want to be able to comment on their channels without them thinking I’m weird and I want to have a channel to talk about classics and more literary content. I created a new channel today…but I won’t be able to start posting until I feel more confident about my hair and my life. I’m not sure if starting over on Booktube is a good idea or not.

• I’m feeling very sad about getting older. I miss being young. I miss not feeling awful every time I look in a mirror. I miss the opportunities I had as a young person. I miss my health. I miss being thin. I miss having pretty hair.

• I’m feeling frustrated because I can’t seem to stick to a whole foods diet for a whole week without buying some kind of takeout.

• My asthma medicine costs $225 and I don’t know if I want to buy it. I am waiting to see if I can get it under control with my allergy meds.

• I’m so tired all the time.

• My long commute is even longer now because of all the roads being closed and blocked due to flooding. It takes me an extra half hour to get home from work.

Positives

• I love my house and my library.

• I love my bed.

• I have a good family and a few friends that support me.

[yaminerua]

Hhhh my face is giving me hell

well I guess it was nice to have a couple of months where my face was marginally less red but with the anti-inflammatory antibiotics course done and finished it’s just erupted right back to where it was before I’d started on it, minus the spots but I’m sure they’ll come back as soon as the inflammation goes unchecked for long enough.

idk what I’m going to do tbh I’ve done all I can wrt changing my diet and trying to cut out everything that triggers this perpetual flush but it seems to just do it on its own with no discernible immediate trigger. I wake up with it before I’ve even eaten or done anything, or it sets in several hours after any meal regardless of what was eaten (and also I eat the same shit every day atm to try to monitor it for consistency and there IS no consistency). I eat the blandest shit with no seasonings atm bc it’s supposed to be safe from flare ups and I don’t touch any of the things on most trigger lists. And yet now it’s the same as tho I’d had a big old tomatoey curry even tho I haven’t touched tomatoes or spices of any kind since early June.

Thermal temperature is hard to control but I do know it plays a role. I can’t eat my meals warm, I have to wait for them to be cold. And bc this house heats like a sauna on even mildly warm days but it gets frigid cold on cold ones and when the heating is on that’s just as bad as if it was a warm day and i have to sit with a fan on to try to keep burning out of control.

I can do nothing about that or the heat in the kitchen when cooking. But even with those factors there was still a good period in the middle of this course of meds where my face was relatively calm and only faintly pink and yet it’s slipped back over the last two weeks as tho I wasn’t still on those meds at all. And aside from meds reducing inflammation idk what else made it work before that isn’t now bc as mentioned I haven’t changed anything about what I’m doing. My routine is the same now as it was at the end of June and yet the response is completely different.

I’ve been using my calming skincare shit this whole time too but that’s burning a hole in my pocket. I thought it was working bc it does usually have an immediate redness reduction effect when I use it but now it doesn’t feel like it’s working either.

it’s like my face is just immune to every attempt I’m making to calm it

at this point I can only assume it’s a negative feedback loop from stress. It must be something like that. It’s the only other thing that’s completely out of my control

irl is so stressful rn money wise and I’m perpetually waiting for terrible news to do with the house that I know is coming bc the deadline is reached and there’s nothing that can be done about it and it’s been looming and destroying my mental health for ages. I can’t use stress relief methods bc I’ve never ever found one that works in any capacity at all so I’m always stressed and that makes my face flare and that makes the stress worse and you can see how that just goes from there…

I feel pretty hopeless tbh. Like yeah maybe I’ll eventually be able to afford to have some laser therapy (I don’t think I can get it on nhs for this so it’ll need paid for I think) to try to deal with any blood vessels that need shrunk but like I wish I didn’t have to resort to that but it’s basically an inevitability at this point. If I can keep the inflammatory spots happening that’ll be good at least but it’s the redness in the face that makes me want to just never be perceived again bc it was so intense that people would point it out to me like what did you do to your face? I look like someone took a hard edged brush of bright red and drew an exaggerated anime blush in a thick line across my cheeks and nose and I hate it. I look like I’ve been skiing with goggles on in the snow and burnt the shape of the goggles under my eyes

and it burns and prickles and itches so much when it heats up. It’s almost unbearable.

But until then idk how to bring it under control and it’s making me feel so awful.

I mean like. I’m white and Scottish so like. Yeah. So many of us get this shit. Ruddy faces are a common sight. My dad’s side of the family all mostly have it, in the form of the visible blood vessels but all of them only have it localised to the cheeks, like some rosy cheeked Santa Claus look. Nothing on the nose or any kind of diffuse redness all over the face. And none with the inflammatory spots form, or even the burning or hot feeling. It’s like I got a completely different rosacea and it’s just. So unfair. I could handle it if I looked like the rest of my family but I look so much worse and idk how much worse it might go on to look and feel and I’m just.

Tired

Idk maybe it’s just that I handle stress so badly it manifests more severely for me. I’ve had trauma to wrestle with since before I reached double digits in age and there are a great many things I just don’t handle well at all. But god that was bad enough on its own in the ways it hinders my life without all that stress also giving me new issues to be stressed and depressed about. Like honestly what next

I want to do things I enjoy and write and draw and go out and see friends and this shit is sucking all of what little enjoyment I can find in life right out of me. Can’t eat the foods I used to love, can’t exercise in the fun ways I used to, can’t do anything I used to without this horrible burning redness cursing me wherever i go and of course you KNOW it gets worse when I have to wear a covid mask bc of the hot humidity of my breath in the mask but that’s not something i can give up bc covid is still around and I refuse to stop protecting myself from it bc as far as I know I’ve never had it yet and I just know with my luck if I ever get it it’ll fuck me up really bad.

so idk what to do other than sit here venting about it and wanting to cry bc of how awful and hopeless it feels

feel like I’m waiting for a life changing miracle to get rid of my stress but like lmao the world itself is stressful in general with all the awful things going on. How is anyone supposed to feel optimistic or hopeful or not stressed about everything…

Idk what I’d expected after the meds ran out tbh I knew from the start it would only temporarily offer relief and then it would surge back. I just had hoped maybe I’d be wrong.

hhhh fml. I should just go to bed