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verosvault · 1 year ago

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My Struggles with D&D

‼️This is gonna be a LONG POST‼️

This is a rant about my struggles with D&D and while it is my favorite game. I oftentimes will struggle with playing it. (I am one of those rare people that usually loves to WATCH D&D rather than PLAY it 💀💀) Read more:

So...Just to put some context for right now. I am currently in 2 different D&D campaigns. There's 1 campaign which I play on Sundays. That's my free campaign game that I'm in with some friends I made through a different friend. Friends of a friend basically.

My 2nd game is a paid game that I'm in that I play through StartPlaying. It's a Curse of Strahd Game. :)

Both of these campaigns I'm in are both with the D&D 5E system!

I'm going to organize this blog as best as I can...here we go...

1. Being the Notetaker of the group

I am the Number 1 Notetaker in both campaigns...and...I take EXTREMELY EXTENSIVE notes! I-

Just for a little bit more context. In both of those campaigns. The character that I'm playing is a cleric detective. My Free game, I play a Death Domain Cleric Tiefling Detective. In my Paid game, I play a Grave Domain Cleric Satyr Detective.

I joined my Free game in February of this year. I joined the Paid game in April. The gap between my entry of both of the games were really close, and I kinda just- I really like-

Let me go backwards a little bit. The main inspiration for me when playing D&D is Riz Gukgak from Dimension20 Fantasy High. I just LOVE RIZ! Also, the character background "investigator" from Van Richten's is my favorite character background! My favorite stats in D&D to be proficient in are "Perception", "Insight", and "Investigation". If I'm proficient in those 3 things, then I'll be the happiest person ever to exist. :') So...Yeah...It's...That's just who I am and what I like.

What doesmthis have to do with me being the note taker?

Well...one of the biggest fears I have when playing D&D is "WHAT IF I MISS SOMETHING?!"

I'm ALWAYS scared that I'm going to miss stuff. I want to- When I play, I want to go through every single thing that I'm possibly able to find! I don't wanna- like- The Dungeon Master made this whole place for us to explore and I MUST uncover EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY of this place! I don't wanna leave ANY place unsearched and undiscovered! I am like-

So...What I do is I take a TON OF NOTES that I can always look back at to see if there was anything that I may have missed. Or anything that I can just go back to look over and read and be like "I need to bring this up later" or something like that. Basic things like that.

Now...the bad thing about me being a notetaker is I get SO occupied on taking notes, that I'm not really IN IT? If that makes any sense?

It's not that I'm NOT Having fun! Because I'M HAVING A BLAST! But...I get so wrapped up in my extensive note taking that I'm like---My character just fades into the background and usually just stays there until someone interacts with her? I don't really bring my character up to the forefront? It's just like-...My character is just there???

2. My MILD OCD and Anxiety

I am an EXTREMELY ANXIOUS person! ESPECIALLY playing D&D! As well as taking notes! I'm mild OCD. So I want SO MUCH things in my notes...and I'm also really anxious. Sometimes the players will be roleplaying and me as my character is always like "hey guys...we got this weird key...it should go somewhere...like- we should figure this out-" and it's like- the DM later on describes that the key goes to the front door of the house that we've been locked inside of.

The thing is...in earlier sessions when we came across this house, we didn't need a key to open it. The door opened on its own by itself. So, me- i was like "this key we just came across must lead to some really important chest"...nope! It was the key to the front door! I was like...I was wracking my brain because nobody seemed to be caring about the key and I'm there just sitting being like "How are we going to find the chest? This house is so big and we just went through all 3 floors and the cellar. Do we need to go back and traverse this scary house to try to find this chest that this key will fit inside?"...like...I sometimes forget that the DM is there and they're not going to always screw us over like that...💀💀

But I ALWAYS get scared about that type of stuff! It's almost like my OCD and Anxiety prevents me from ACTUALLY being IMMERSED AND PLAYING THE FREAKING GAME! It's- Ahhhh! I just end up overthinking everything. Taking notes on everything. Being scared about missing stuff. Being scared about where to go next. Being scared about potentially getting screwed over by future things down the road if we don't do certain stuff now. Like- Ahhhh! I honestly don't understand how people will play this game and not go absolutely insane with all the things there is to think about. XD

I feel like when I'm playing, I just end up getting DM BRAIN SYNDROME! And I'VE NEVER BEEN A DM BEFORE! But I feel like I end up worrying about ALL the stuff that the DM should be worrying about! NOT ME! XD LOL!!

3. Social Anxiety with Roleplay (Do I actually know my character?)

I have another fear. That is social anxiety, roleplay, and if I actually TRULY KNOW MY CHARACTER! I'm MAINLY talking about my paid game for all of these scenarios I've been talking about. My paid game is where I've been struggling the absolute most.

I feel like...Now...I haven't been playing this game for a long time. I started playing like...FREQUENTLY...JUST this year! My New Years Resolution for 2023 was to join a D&D campaign! And I have done exactly that! But like- Again...I haven't been playing for a long time. Some of the D&D stuff I'm not used to.

I'm also NOT A THEATER KID! So...I have quite some struggles with roleplaying and not being embarrassed sometimes about doing it! I always feel weird or OFF when talking and doing things in character. But I think that might partially be due to me feeling like "maybe I don't understand my character. Maybe this isn't what my character would do." And I'm constantly getting these thoughts. I feel like it's imposter syndrome but in D&D and for my freaking character.

My character in my Curse of Strahd campaign. She's a Satyr detective named "Yona". Her parents went missing at a young age. Later on, she's studying at a Faerun detective agency. In the campaign, the actual term we use for detective is actually "pathfinder". So..yeah..Faerun Pathfinder Agency and my character has a badge and all that. Anywho, she misses her first day of class due to her feeling unwell and her classmates and her professor all go to Barovia and end up getting lost in the mist. So not only has she lost her parents, but she's also lost her classmates and her professor. One of her classmates being a close older friend of hers named Opal. They had a little argument the last time she saw Opal because Opal had told her to give up on trying to find her parents after being so supportive about Yona never giving up on trying to find them beforehand.

Anyways, we've had over 20 sessions in this campaign and we haven't heard a lot about the pathfinders in Barovia. They're a very hidden organization of people and talking about pathfinders here is exceptionally very dangerous because they're being hunted down. So...my character hasn't been able to go around and ask people willy nilly if they have seen any pathfinders around or that she's even a pathfinder herself because she's worried and me out-of-character would be very nervous to find my character in a tricky situation due to her having a big mouth, and I feel like if Yona (my character) knew that it was a dangerous word to spread around, she'd be smart enough to hush up about it, and that goes along with her hiding her pathfinder badge ever since she heard that it was dangerous for people to know.

But like- we haven't heard much else. There has been no trace of her students or her parents. One of the party members, the party bard asked a shop owner if they'd seen any pathfinders around and that shop owner claimed to have seen a couple of satyrs a couple of days ago. So...we've heard LITTLE info...but nothing super significant yet.

But it's like- at some moments, I feel like my character doesn't have much to do and that she's just been along for the ride?

It's also been established from how little my character speaks and her anxiety of speaking to others that my character herself has social anxiety. Like- that is an actual canon aspect to her character because of my small fear and unease with the whole roleplay concept. It's something I'm not fully used to yet and STILL! And we're in November! I started this campaign in April!

Umm...but yeah. I just...and then when we're playing...I just end up doing what myself would end up doing. Like...not the character...but me the player because I feel like me and my character go hand-in-hand? Like...I feel like other than backstory, me and my character are kind-of one-and-the-same??? Which makes it hard for me sometimes to make character choices because I don't fully know what is me and what is my character. I don't really know where the line is? I don't have any acting experience. Theater experience. I'm basically in this D&D campaign playing myself...because I don't even know how to BE or ACT as someone else??? I'm- It's hard...:')))

Like- I don't understand how people do it so easily :''')) and how they're not afraid about potentially making a fool of themselves. Which like- I'm not judgemental at all. I love seeing people playing and being in character but I guess I just struggle with seeing myself doing the same thing??? :""")))) I don't know how to explain it. :'''))))

4. This is my absolute favorite game but I feel like I suck at playing it

I LOVE this game SO BAD!!! SO MUCH!!! But I feel like I'm just GARBAGE AT IT!!! I don't talk much. I overworry about everything because ALL I want to do is BE helpful! That's why I also always play clerics! I want to HELP people! Like- Oh! You're down??! I have HEALS! TAKE 'EM!

Like I see more worth in the other players and characters than I do see for myself...which...I know that's the negative self-talk talking...but like...I feel like everyone else plays the game so much better than me and that I still haven't been able to get it yet?

I STILL HAVE FUN PLAYING! Even though I guess it IS in a MORE META context/way??? BUT I STILL HAVE A BLAST! I LOVE rolling perception and investigation and getting to gain some info about things! I LOVE seeing the lore! The lore drop sessions have by far been my favorite??? Like- YES! GIVE ME THE JUICY JUICY LORE!

But yeah...I don't know. I feel like I just suck at playing. It's-...

I don't fully know how to take myself out of doing the note taking.

I don't fully know how to make my character feel like I'm playing an actual character and flesh her out more. And I've been trying different stuff! I've been using the RPG Card deck with character and campaign questions and I have been uploading them to the discord where I have everyone else that I play with and I've been trying to use them to flesh out my character but I feel like it's still hard and that I still struggle sometimes.

I don't fully know how to play without being exceptionally anxious about everything.

Wanna know something dumb? I was playing in my free campaign and my character is a detective and I'M THE LITERAL NOTETAKER and I was focusing SO MUCH on NOTES that ANOTHER PARTY MEMBER LITERALLY UNDERSTOOD a REALLY OBVIOUS IMPORTANT DETAIL about an NPC that my character was talking to in the moment before I EVEN DID! I was- I felt so destroyed. I was like "wow--great. What kinda detective am I?" Like what?! I'm taking all these notes and I'm still slow at understanding and figuring out these gigantic big reveals! Like what- why?

But yeah-anyways

5. Feeling left-out

I am someone that usually ALWAYS feels left-out! In about every social situation I find myself in???

At work. With my parents. Just- Just anywhere. I'm usually always the person that will fade into the background.

This is why I don't like parties. I end up feeling 10 times more alone. I just always feel like I get tossed over to the side.

And you know what's even sadder? Is when I end up getting left out in a freaking game that I love and have a passion for. :')...But it is ABSOLUTELY what happens! AT LEAST in my paid game! I end up feeling left out.

Everyone is roleplaying and getting into their character and their emotions and I'm just there...feeling like I'm doing something wrong or that I'm not playing the same game that everyone else is?

Like- when I play D&D. I am that person that is there and all I want to do is push the story forward? It's like...Let's skip over all the mushy gushy or sad feeling depressy stuff...I wanna have the plot keep going?

Like...and I feel like the mushy gushy and sad feeling depressy stuff is so important sometimes but I feel like I'm just not good at it. :')

I justify it by saying that my character is a grave domain cleric. She doesn't have time to mourn the dead. She'll pray to her deity for people who have passed and died. But she won't cry and become an emotional mess over it. She understands death and feels like mourning over the dead will take up time that could be used for doing more productive things? I don't know...That's at least how I've justified it for my character but like- Idk

It's just...and I know it's BAD to compare ANY HOME D&D Game to ANY LIVE STREAM D&D Live-Play such as "Critical Role" or "Dimension20"! But I feel like everyone at those tables are always so much more involved. But maybe that's just them acting? I don't really know. But I feel like D&D should be a game where every character should get a moment of spotlight on them so that character can grow and blossom? But I feel like at least for my paid campaign...my character doesn't really get that spotlight? But..then again...I also don't ask for it??? I don't know.

It's just- I see all these people playing D&D and I can't help but feel like "Maybe there's something wrong that I'm doing or something that I'm not getting? Like- why am I not in the same world as everyone else even though we're playing the same game at the same time? You know? Again...I don't know. That's just my little rant. :')

If you read all of this, you're a cool person and I love you!

I don't really expect anyone to read this whole entire blog. I just felt like it was something that I desperately just wanted to share...because yesterday I had my paid d&d game, and I was feeling bad about it again and just having negative thoughts and feelings about how I was playing the game and whatnot. Even though it was an absolute blast and I loved playing it and I'm so glad that I get to be around this group of people at this wonderful, cool table! Sometimes I just feel like there's something wrong with me. 🥴🥴 But...ya know- I don't really know 🥴🥴🥴

If you read this and you know of any tips or even struggle with some of this yourself. I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts out in the comments or if you wanna straight up reblog it! I LOVE hearing other people's thoughts and opinions and I've just been struggling with this for a long while. 🥴🥴🥴 I almost feel bad about feeling like this...but it's the truth and I don't wanna lie to myself about it.

But yeah! I'd love to hear any of your opinions and stories if you have any!! Hehe!! Thanks for reading!! I hope y'all have an absolute fantastic, and spectacular day!! 🥲🥲❤️❤️

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