#tw bul1m14

[katemossinspo]

starving it feels good.

[miss-perfectly-fine13]

nothing makes me angrier than when people eat less than me like WHO HAS THE ED ME OR YOU

[queendoodee]

am i the only person who reminisces about when i used to look pretty. i just got done watching my old tik toks and looking at old photos of me from june. and i looked so gorgeous, my cheekbones on fleek, eyebrows on fleek, hair curled gorgeous, collarbones out. bro i used to look so pretty. now im just a fat lump of lard that sits around and does nothing but binge eat and skip school. 🤬

[theesterianempire]

I'm Okay, Really - Spencer Reid x Y/N - Part One

You’re okay, really, aside from a lack of concentration, not sleeping, not eating, striving for perfection but always falling short.

You’re okay… really…

This is a Criminal Minds rewrite of a Flash fan fiction I posted to Ao3 a good five years ago.  If you have read the original, I promise it’s not stolen, it is my work.  Also, if you have read it, this one is quite different, even if it starts off in a similar manner.  If you want to read it you can find it on Ao3 under els_fictions with the same title.

Trigger Warning: Eating disorders, anorexia, calorie counting, calorie tracking, bulimia and other eating disorders, fainting, hospitals.

Word count: 1633

Chapter One

“Y/N......?”

“Y/N.....?"

“I uh what?” You asked sheepishly looking up to see Hotch looking over you.

“Have you finished the Jenkins Report yet?” He enquired with a stern face.

“I... yes... here it is.” You said handing a folder to him.

You rubbed the back of his neck nervously as Hotch started flipping through the report.

He then looked up sighing..

“Y/N this is shocking." Stated Singh.

“What?” You asked confused as to what was wrong with it.

“It’s littered with so many errors. Now do it again. I want it by tonight”.

Hotch walked off.

Great you thought. No lunch for me.

About half an hour later Spencer walked over to your desk.

"Hey Y/N,” he spoke cheerily, "You coming for lunch?" He asked.

You didn't even look up from your computer.

"I'm sorry, I can't I've got to re-do a report for Hotch." You replied.

“Oh… okay…” He responded, “Do you want any help?”

“No. Its fine.” You brushed him off, “Thank you though.”

“Any time," Smiled Spencer as he left.

You sighed running his hand through your hair. You couldn't concentrate and your hair was slightly matted with sweat.

The evening soon came around and you still wasn’t done.  There was no way you could stop for dinner now.  Hotch needed this file.  It was important.

The next day followed a similar pattern. You were half awake at work. Hotch asked you to re do a case file. You would go without lunch and then again without dinner.

The day after was the same. Soon the week was the same. Then the month. It wasn’t long before you just didn’t feel hungry anymore so you didn’t care that much. Eventually Hotch started to lay off but even then you didn’t go back to eating normally. After another month of this you almost stopped completely. You weren’t hungry so why should you eat is what you told yourself.

“Y/N? Y/N? Are you there?” Asked Garcia over the phone, “Y/N? Are you ok?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m here,” You replied. You were leaning on a wall for support after almost fainting but you were fine. You knew you were.

“Ok.” Garcia responded skeptically, “Well, I’ve sent the information you need to the iPad.”

“Okay, thank you Garcia,” You smiled ending the call before walking back into the office where the team was set up.

“Y/N, did you speak to Garcia?” Emily asked, stepping towards you.

“Yeah… She uh… she…” Fog clouded your brain as you tried to respond.

You moved your hand to rub your face.

“She uh… She…” You tried again.

“Y/N?” Emily called, “Are you okay?”

You moved your hand from over your face and looked up but the world was tilting around you.  However, as you braced to inevitably hit the floor the impact never came.  Instead you felt the warm embrace of someone next to you as you were quickly rushed to the couch a few feet behind you.

You went to look up at the team but a strong hand was on your back, forcing you to keep your head between your legs.

“Just breathe.” You heard Spencer command… so it was him next to you, you realised.

After another minute you felt your brain fog lift and the dizziness leave you.

You slowly looked up.

“Are you okay?” Emily asked from where she stood across the room.

“I… yeah.” You muttered, “Anyway, Garcia sent the info she found to the iPad.  It looks like Jacob’s is a match.”

“Okay.  Lets bring him in,” Hotch commanded looking to Morgan, Emily and JJ.

You went to stand up but Hotch quickly turned to you,

“You’re not going anywhere.” He stated, “You are to stay here until we get back.”

“But Hotch I…” You tried to argue.

“That’s an order, Y/L/N.” He said before leaving the room.

You sighed as Emily shrugged apologetically at you before leaving the room followed by Morgan and JJ.

Spencer stood up slowly.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” He said quietly, “But we’ll be back soon.”

You nodded gently as he left with the rest of the team.

Once you were alone you were over come with a crushing sense of frustration.  You angrily ran your hands through your hair, tugging at it slightly.  How could you be so stupid? How could you be so weak in front of all of them?  You were better than this.

It didn’t take long for the team to return, Jacob in tow.  It was a pretty simple case once you’d gotten hold of his name from an old assistant of his.  Then with the information Garcia gave you it was easy to track him down along with a plethora of evidence that he was stupid enough to leave lying around his house.

Before you knew it you were landing back in Virginia, making your way back to the bull pen.  It was just a quick stop before you could get in your car and drive home.  However, just as you were picking up your keys from your desk, Hotch called out to you.

“Y/N, my office, now.” His tone was stern,

You briefly looked around at the rest of the team but none of them would meet your eyes. You felt a horrible sense of dread bubbling up inside of you as you made your way up to his office.

You entered his office and slowly closed the door behind you.  He was sitting behind his desk, he didn’t even look at you as you sat down opposite him.  Nor did he glance up from his paperwork as he began talking.

“Y/N, I’ve arranged for a physical to determine whether you are fit to be on this team.” He stated simply,

“What?” You snapped, “Hotch, I…”

Hotch looked up at you.

“In the field you’ve been slipping.  You’ve been disorganised and unfocused which having a negative impact on the team.  Until the physical you are written off on sick leave, following that until you are deemed fit to be in the field you will be assigned desk duty.” He explained bluntly.

“But Hotch…” You tried to argue but he cut you off.

“You’ll be emailed the details of when and where the physical will take place.” 

You went to say something but he cut you off yet again.

“That will be all Y/N.” He said, gesturing to the door.

You wanted to argue, to plead your case but it was pointless, you knew that, so instead you just stood up and made your way out.

You made your way through the bull pen, snatching your keys from the desk, not even stopping when Emily called out your name.

You were out of the building when it all caught up to you, tears welled up in your eyes and began cascading down your cheeks.

You stopped, letting yourself sit down on the steps as you sobbed uncontrollably.

“Y/N?” A voice called out to you, as someone sat down next to you.

You quickly wiped your eyes before turning to see Spencer next to you.

“Are you okay?” He asked gently, his voice wavering slightly for a reason you weren’t privy to.

“I’m fine, Spencer.” You assured, wiping away more tears.

“You don’t look fine, Y/N.” He replied, “You haven’t looked fine in ages.” He added barely above a whisper.

You snapped to look at him, “Whats that supposed to mean?” You shot back, vitriol thick in your voice.

“Y/N, I…” He began but you stood up.

You barely glanced at him, “Goodbye Spencer.” You spoke coldly as you made your way down the steps and towards your parked car.

You were halfway home when the anger faded and you were left with a deeper feeling of self-hatred, if that was even possible.  You would have cried if you had the energy to do so but right now all you wanted was your bed.

As you entered your apartment you felt that unwelcome grumble deep in your stomach.  You considered all of your options, you could ignore it and sleep… but sleep was unlikely due to that annoying grumble.  You could eat something for the first time in a few days… but that wasn’t helpful, it would undo all of your hard work and right now you needed to be more in control than ever before… you could have some coffee… but… actually, no… coffee was good. That would work.

You set a pot to brew while you prepared your mug and got the Splenda out of the cupboard.  All of this on auto pilot, it was habit by now, feel that grumble, make a coffee, feel sad, make a coffee, feel happy, make a coffee.  It was a coping mechanism really.

You poured your coffee and made your way to your room.  You debated showering but you really didn’t have the energy so you threw on your pyjamas before settling into bed.  You went to set your alarms before you realised there was no point.  It wasn’t like you had anywhere to be the next day anyway.  You placed your phone on the side and picked up your notebook from just next to it.

You flipped to the most recent entry and dotted down your coffee and how much Splenda you’d put in it before closing it and settling back against your pillows, coffee in hand and you just sat there, sipping away, enjoying the warmth that spread through you with every swallow.

Before you knew it you’d finished your coffee.  You placed your mug on the side, enjoying the lingering warmth it left you with.  You let your eyes close for just a second but soon enough a dreamless sleep enveloped you.

Part Two:

[lobomoonzz]

Bul!mi4 so bad it’s gotten to the point where I don’t have to force myself to throw up, it just comes up on its own.

[14rendacted]

someone teach me how to purge i've been sitting on the bathroom floor for an hour like an idiot sticking my fingers down my throat but nothing's coming up pleeeeesss thanks

[skinnyprincess777]

i hope i’m not just another @na blog to u guys… but a friend too <3

my dms are open to 18+ looking for someone to talk to

it gets lonely out here. i’m always available for venting, friendship & advice 💗

[0nlytea4me]

Fatshaming is cruel and never acceptable (unless I'm looking in the mirror)

[katemossinspo]

“junk food you craved for an hour or the body you craved for a lifetime”

[pantzippa]

if u skinny u sexy

If u fat u sexy

If u curvy u sexy

If u boxy u sexy

If u buff u sexy

If you got light skin u sexy

If u got dark skin u sexy

If you tall u sexy

If you short u sexy

be whatever u wanna be but u’ll always stay sexy

Take care of urselves luv u guys

[theesterianempire]

I'm Okay, Really - Spencer Reid x Y/N - Part Two

CHAPTER TWO

Word count: 1469

Trigger Warnings: Eating disorders, anorexia, calorie counting, calorie tracking, bulimia and other eating disorders, fainting, hospitals.

Link to Chapter One:

https://www.tumblr.com/theesterianempire/776479578876182528/im-okay-really-spencer-reid-x-yn?source=share

You rolled over, not sure what time it was.  No idea how long you’d slept and no clue why you’d woken up.

Knock… knock…

Ah… thats why, you thought as you heard knocking at your door.

You shuffled to the edge of your bed, yawing as you stood up.  You rubbed your eyes as you made your way to the door.  You placed your hand on the door handle, pausing for a moment before opening the door.

You were surprised to see Spencer standing there on the doorstep.

“Spencer…?” You whispered, taking in the sight of him just standing there, looking down at you.

“Hi,” He smiled gently, “I’d not heard from you all day so I thought I’d come round and see how you’re doing.” You stepped aside to let him in, flashes of your conversation the day before flooding your brain.

You closed the door softly behind him before turning to see him standing behind you, leaning against the back of your sofa.

“What are you really doing here Spence?” You asked, crossing your arms.

Spencer quickly ran a hand down his face before putting his hands in his pockets.

“Hotch told us you were on leave?” He stated posing it almost as a question,

“Did he tell you why?” You tightened your grip on your arms.  Of course he’d told the team you were off, they’d question it if you didn’t show up.  You knew it was logical but still, the idea of him telling everyone lit a small flame inside of you.

“I… no.” Spencer muttered.  He gulped softly, “But we…I think I have an idea why.”

“Oh,” You scoffed, “And what would that be?”

Spencer looked you up and down, concern flashing over his features briefly before he spoke again

“That you’re sick.” He stated quickly, as if he was trying to get the words out as fast as possible.

You rolled your eyes briefly before uncrossing your arms and walking over to your kitchen, picking up the coffee pot and setting a new pot to brew.

“Coffee?” You asked nonchalantly turning to Spencer, catching him off guard.

“I, uh… what?” He shot you a puzzled look,

You held up a mug, shaking it lightly, “Coffee?” You repeated.

“Oh…” A look of understanding appeared on Spencer’s face, “Yeah, okay.”

You turned back to counter, picking up your Splenda sachets, dumping three into your coffee cup before opening the cupboard and pulling out a bag of sugar and putting three tea spoons in Spencer’s mug.

“You don’t have sugar?” He casually asked,

You tensed briefly before picking up the pot of freshly brewed coffee and filling both mugs.

Spencer didn’t miss how you ignored his question but decided to drop it for now.

You handed him the full mug and took yours in hand before walking around to your sofa and sitting down.

Spencer followed you and sat down just across from you.  He took a sip of his coffee before turning to you.  He looked like he wanted to say something but instead he just watched you.

You glanced up at him, briefly catching his eye.

“Y/N, I uh…” He began, “You know you can tell me anything right?”

You gave one sharp nod which allowed him to continue.

“So if there is anything going on, you can talk to me.” He continued.

You nodded again. Taking a sip of your coffee.

“So…” He said, quietly, “Is there anything you want to talk about?”

You thought for a brief second before answering. “No.”

You didn’t miss the look of hurt that flashed across Spencer’s face but as quickly as it was there, it was gone.

“Okay…” He whispered in response.

After that the two of you shared some quiet chatter while you finished your coffee before he declared it was time for him to go.

Once he was gone you felt quite peaceful.  Although you’d not told anyone about what was really going on, the casual chatter made things feel lighter.

You made your way back to your room to grab your phone, realising you’d slept most of the day so hadn’t been replying to any messages or emails.

You opened the mail app to see an urgent work email.  You scanned through it to see that, as Hotch had said, a physical had been arranged for you for tomorrow at 10am.  You felt a wave of anxiety wash over you.  You knew you’d have to go to the physical and that Hotch wasn’t bluffing but receiving that email made things feel real, and real was scary.

You opened your clock app to set all of your alarms before lying down on your bed to scroll your phone.  You didn’t even realise you’d fallen asleep.  You didn’t know how you could fall sleep when you’d spend the whole day in bed but never-the-less you were out like a light.

——————————

You nervously tapped the steering wheel the whole way to Quanitco.  You knew what was coming and you were terrified.

You’d had your physical and the results were in an envelope in your bag ready to give to Hotch.  The doctor said he could send it over to Hotch himself but you wanted to do it in person.  You didn’t know why, because the thought of it made your stomach twist, but there you were envelope in tow, walking towards the elevator.

You’d already prepared yourself to get out of the lift and walk to his office, promising yourself you wouldn’t stop to talk to anyone on the way.  It was the only way you could see yourself getting through it without having a breakdown, you could do that after. 

As you stepped out of the lift, elevator in hand, you felt your brain cloud.  The fog rolling in along with wave after wave of dizziness crashing over you.

“Y/N… Y/N…” You could hear from the distance.

You felt your mind begin to surface as you begged your body to comply as you answered.  You let out a muffled, drowsy groan as you tried to open your eyes.

They fluttered open to see Spencer, leaning over you.

“Hi,” He spoke gently,

“Wh…what happened?” You asked, slowly sitting up to see you were now lying on the sofa in Hatch’s office.

“You fainted…” He said, not quite meeting your eyes.  He was looking down at something in his hand.

You followed his gaze to see he was holding the envelope in his hand.

“I…I…” You tried, as you looked up at him, “Did you open it?”

You felt anger rising up in you.

“I… yes.” He simply replied,

“How could you?” You asked incredulously, anger taking control of you, “That wasn’t yours to read!”

“I was worried, Y/N!” He tried to explain, “You’re not okay and I… I needed to know.  I had a good idea but I… this confirmed it.” He gestured to the envelope in his hand.  “You… you’re anorexic…”

“I’m not anorexic, Spencer!” You shot back angrily, “I’m fine.”

“You’ve been referred to an eating disorder specialist.” He stated, “That’s not fine! What have you done to yourself Y/N?” Spencer asked, a mix of anger and worry.

“I wasn’t hungry Spencer!? I wasn’t going to force myself. I didn’t feel right, okay!”

“Well you should have!? Why? Why Y/N!? What on Earth caused you to do this???” He shot back, anger showing through.

“I’m not doing this Spencer!” You muttered getting up and attempting to make your way through the door.

“No Y/N, you can’t just walk away” Spencer said, trying to stop you but failing.

“Why the heck not!?”

“Because you need help Y/N!” Spencer shouted, frustration getting the better of him.

Upon hearing Spencer yell Emily rushed in.

“No. No I don’t. I am fine. And if you can’t accept that then I can’t be around you right now”.

You started to walk away but only after a few steps you swayed on your feet.

Emily took a few steps towards you gently placing a hand on your arm to steady you.

“Y/N, you need to sit down. Please let us help you.” She almost begged,

You sighed, “No.. no I don’t. Not from you,” You said looking at her, “or from anyone else.” You added, glancing at Spencer before you walked out the door.

You didn’t understand how he could betray your trust like that.  Opening a letter that wasn’t addressed to him, going through your personal information.  It wasn’t his to read, it wasn’t his to look at, it wasn’t his information to know!

Your anger took over completely once you got to the car.  You slammed your fists down on the steering wheel multiple times.  Yelling as you did.

How could he do this to you?

[angelnamedelli2611]

I WISH FOR…

[0nlytea4me]

Is it REALLY eaten if i purge it?

(AKA hack up 90% saliva, 10% calories and 100% tears+snot)

[seven9s10s]

HOUSE MD OC!

(my sweet baby boy ilja.)

Ilja "Illusha" Vancura. 27 year old patient.

Ilja is a regular patient at Princeton Plainsboro, he's largely there for medical stabilization. He is bulimic, and although unwilling to seek full recovery, regularly comes in for IVs, blood & electrolyte tests, and general checkups, to ensure he's not killing himself.

He gets admitted to inpatient, because despite his claim to be keeping to his meal plan & cutting back on self induced vomiting, he is losing an extreme amount of weight, and is getting weaker. It takes a week for them to listen to him, and actually call a doctor for his vomiting, as despite his 24hr watch, he's getting worse, and worsemore, blood is starting to appear in his vomit.

(shoutout to @wilsons-three-legged-siamese for giving me the balls to post my oc!)

[katemossinspo]

what taste good now

you will regret later

keep that in mind when you are craving a sweet treat