#cause my mom really wants me to see them
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youtube
Top 10 videos that are amazing outstanding incredible showstopping powerful breathtaking and freaking LIFE CHANGING-
#dru speaks#dallon's stage persona makes me go off the wall BONKERS#like!!!! 😳 Excuse Me Sir!!!!#who gave you permission to be like that?????#to make me This Silly about you?????#ANYWAY onto another topic: gosh i wish i could've experienced one of the crowd walks#they look absolutely magical!!#like. he's *right there!!!!* in the audience!!!! with you!!!!#idk i think if i could've gone to a concert where they did that my spirit would have just straight up ascended from my body XD#i would be a different person walking out of that venue than i was coming in /pos#i need to go to an idkhow concert SOOOOOO bad#i think it could solve all of my problems tbh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#i've heard sooooo many good things about those concerts 🫶🫶🫶🫶 so excited for the next tour#cause my mom really wants me to see them#so if they come near my state and i don't have a bajillion homework assignments i think i'm definitely going X3#gaaaaaah!! excited for that#dallon weekes#ryan seaman#idkhow#visitation of the ghost#Youtube
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(rant incoming)
#okay. let's process together#why did i feel so annoyed when my mom said that the pictures i was posting on insta looked a little boring?#(it's not like a picture of me it's just some book and crochet stuff(#but here's the thing. i have no idea how i'm supposed to do better than that#sometimes i'm actually enjoying myself on insta and othertimes i really feel like i am not cut out for it#cause if i'm taking a picture of something it's so people can see the thing i am taking a picture of#i 100 percent understand the mindset of wanting an aesthetic picture that looks really nice#but i usually don't know how to execute that#sometimes! but not always#usually not.#and like. in that case i would ask the people in my family who are actually good at this stuff for help?#but i want to be able to do it myself because i don't want them to have to do even more stuff for me#and yeah okay fine YES it is another taking up space thing#but like#ugh#i don't know how to fix this#instagram is kinda fun and cool but it's so not me when it comes to posts#i hate videos and pictures of myself#and visual art is not my thing#and i feel a little lost and confused and i just want people to read my book so i can make enough money that i don't have to get#a horrible normal job#and i don't want my stupid relatives to be right and i never wanted to do instagram in the first place#and the money i saved up from my old job is running out! and i'm a little scared!#and i have a wedding coming up#and stuff is just. ugh. it's not the worst but it sure ain't the best#probably i need to pray and ask God for help instead of posting on tumblr#(in my defense i wanted to process my emotions)#anyways if you made it this far pray for me?#i've been trying to not freak out about all of this for a while but it's kinda pushing its way out now#which i hate. it's just all a lot
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so what are everyone's suggestions what should i say to my mother regarding dropping out and when should i say it
#little detail: deadline is tomorrow or if my interpretation is really generous‚ the day after. so she Will be monitoring me and asking if#i'm done with the paper and ready to send it#not only that‚ if i go to my grandma's with her and my sister (i see grandma rarely nowadays‚ i did see her on the 24th so i kind of want#to go) then grandma will be asking too. so if i lie i will be doing a special double lie for both of them#and for every relative there#but if i don't lie‚ i'll cause a scene there Or ruin my mom's day in advance at home‚ before we go anywhere (or they go anywhere. if i stay#i mean the latter is if i tell her in the morning#kata.txt
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alright~ a few updates about everything! so this weekend I'll be seeing changkyun in chicago- so I prolly won't be posting until after I'm alive again from that 😂😅 (I am vv excited about it- I just know I'll be vv tired when I return home). Anyways, I have a few fics in the works~ one of them that is a request 🤭 I'm vv excited to work on them! But I think I'm going to change my masterlist a bit when I come back. I'm going to retire a few groups from the main masterlist and I've been debating for the past year about it... But I think I'm going to add a yearly masterlist- So it would go from most recent to the beginning of this year~
I'm also thinking about changing my pfp- I haven't been really into stray kids for uh... years- But I will be sure to make an update about that if I go thru with that too- (It may be ji changmin next 🫣🤭)
Anyways those are my few updates 🥰💖
#in general my brain is so muddled outside of talking to my three closest and my mom i'm just... fogged- but god how i want to be#writing rn- i have 4 smuts and 1 fluff in the works (who would have guessed my fluff writer self has moved from not only plain fluff to#angst & smut this year? not me- but i'm happy about it) two are poly aus and the other two are about a certain 🌙~#kate rambles on from here#altho there is another vv big potential fic~ but i'm only counting ones i have lots of progress on-#and then the masterlist thing i've been thinking about forever- hwvr again i do not know if i'll have the energy bc i might be knocked#on my ass for another month after this trip (i'll be pretty much solely driving for 4 & 1/2 hrs there and another 4 & 1/2 back the next day#but the pfp thing has been on my mind for a while too- again idk when i'll get around to it but jinkoh has given me a vv good#idea esp for winter~ with mr. ji~ so i'm sure to have changed it by december~ (unless the change is too much for me- i haven't changed it#since 2018... so i'm kind of attached to it- even tho i don't even bias him or stan the group anymore...)#anyways this is full of me rambling- i could really go on tbh- bc i'm really trying to get my mind into gear- but these are my updates#let's see if i fulfill em- i'm bound to fill the fic ones- but the other two... yeah- we'll see-#kate rambles#blog updates#should i bring babydoll q & juyo to the concert bc if it wasn't for kyun getting me into dominic fike(and being into tbz during stealer era#i wouldn't have been a tbz ult... (outside of some other factors i haven't really disclosed) bc atp i'm vv close to packing them with me#i mean tbh a tbz pc was going- but now i'm 🫣: should i bring them to see the guy from my first ult group that caused the spiral-#that made me get into my newest ult group? (i love this butterfly effect more than i could ever express tbh- even tho i express it often)#anyways if someone actually reads these- i'm bound to bring babydoll q- legally that's my buddy- but juyo?? 👀
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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just watched my brother graduate
#he looks so different i havent seen him in YEARS#i was in preschool so i think. 11 years. idk im bad at math#but theres no way i wouldve recognized him if my dad hadnt pointed him out#post posting#told myself i wouldn't be all sad#but yk#cant help but wonder if he cares that we watched#or if his mom even told him#idk shes kinda#yk#i wonder if his mom will show him the video when i graduate#or if he'll even want to watch#ugh this SUCKS#i dont talk about him a lot but its mostly cause my dad doesnt tell me anything about him#i know its his son and he never gets to see him or anything#but hes also my brother#and im old enough to remember knowing him at one point#my other brother isnt#so like. both of them are feeling different things than i am. obviously.#but i cant talk to my friends about it#cause none of them have half siblings and people are SUPER weird about it for some reason#and i mean it just really sucks to have a literal brother who i knew at one point and have good memories with#but also know absolutely nothing about#i mean how can someone know absolutely nothing about their own brother#idk#its not like he knows much about me#hes older so maybe he remembers more#but i DOUBT his mom talks about us#i wonder if he even wants to get to know us
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guys what if i told you ive been thinking about dess and actually i think dess/chara might be able to work out in the drkau...like ive been doing some thinking into dess and her reasons and why she does what she does and how she cares about people and im starting to nail down the role i want asriel to play, and. and.
guys i think dess is actually going to be able to change. i think dess figures out how to change but asriel never does....
#chatter#its about like. okay azzy's big thing is normality right.#ive decided hes our monster representative for the prophecy#(which i could make a whole post on but these tags are not the place)#which means dess ISNT which means dess isnt stuck by that#which means like. god this needs so much context i dont have time to give but.#in order for asriel to change he has to come to terms w the fact that a lot of things are his fault#like if he had reacted differently dess maybe stays#or at least doesnt take kris with her#and DESS comes to terms w this. dess is aware that she sorta fucked kris's life#and no shes not their mom but she does love them and care for them#and eventually would start to realize like. i have to be there for them#it wont be perfect but i can TRY even if trying is really really scary#and its this idea of like. what dess-chara-kris-frisk have#is family that could NEVER fit into what society sees as 'normal'#but they have each other. and they want to try. so they make something good#vs asriel chasing normality and pushing everyone away and at the end of it all like#that cant make you happy. all it does is make you Alone. and i dont know if he like#changes. cause hes so deep in he cant admit he was wrong cause then what was any of this for?#anyways let me remind you that noelle is our main character--#(though tbf since azzy is her brother and has a huge impact on her life its fair he gets a focus too)#I LOVE MY OWN AU <3#drkau
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My mom just sent a message to the family group chat suggesting that my siblings download the 'For the Strength of Youth' magazine on their Gospel Library app and talked about how much the youth magazines helped her testimony growing up and like, cool. Fine. Don't know why the 'sending random spiritual thoughts in the gc' thing started out of nowhere when it hadn't been a thing for a decade but this is just another one of those, and you're ofc allowed to talk about things that are significant in your life.
I don't think sending the 'What I Did When Someone Close to Me Challenged My Faith' article right afterwards was strictly necessary though 🙃
#hi bg mutuals 👋 i'm gonna vent about this from time to time. if any mutuals dont want to see it block the 'apostake' tag#trying not to read too much into it b/c I think I did last time something like this happened#and i dont want to make an ass of myself even if neither time would actually be in front of my parents#but like...i know that they know that one of my sisters is clearly PIMO#they went through her phone a couple weeks ago and i have no idea if they read my texts w/ her#but if they did they probably saw the conversation i had with her about some of the really common shelf-breakers#and telling her to take looking into it at her own pace b/c it's scary and overwhelming#(a conversation SHE started btw)#and when i talked to my parents about the larger context of that whole situation i talked about not having space to step back#and their response was that they give plenty of space b/c they dont make her go to seminary???#that's not the same thing as letting her openly question & potentially leave the church idk what to tell you#like. besties i dont know for sure what caused it (which is NOT making things better. it just feels potentially passive aggressive)#but from my end? it sure looks like it might be a reaction to that. probably not JUST that (friends exist) but.#if you think I'm whispering anti-mormon rhetoric into my siblings' ears just ask me. i'm very much NOT doing that#i'm just. talking? to them? when and if they come to me with questions?#and not making my answer 'well there's a reason our parents raised us in the church! ☺️'#(an actual argument given in the article my mom sent)#hate it. thanks#apostake#jay rambles#ok to interact#im not challenging anyone's faith. my patience though? INCREDIBLY challenged#gotta figure out how to work my way around a 'hey please dont send spiritual thoughts to the gc *I'm in*' talk tactfully#they've been pretty chill about me leaving over-all?? at least to my face#haven't pushed me to go to church w/ them; was fine with me not visiting for easter; didnt try to convince me to not drink coffee; etc#it's just. frustrating that they're not giving my siblings that still live with them that same grace#my sister's 17 ffs#it's very possible im way overreacting to the article. but what is tumblr for if not screaming into the void#religion#mormonism
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won’t lie, experiencing some horrors
#just cried uncontrollably for like 20 mins#cried like 3 times yesterday too#i have no energy for like anything rn.. went to buy new glasses today tried on 15 pairs hated them all and then went back to my car#and cried because i really need new glasses since i fucked up my current pair and they don’t sit right now and dig into my face#tw death . my grandma passed away while i was flying home from canada#and it sucks because everyone got to be with her and say goodbye but i didn’t#and there’s a viewing tomorrow and my dad thinks i should go since it will be my last chance to see her but i don’t want to#i get that it’s a healing way to say goodbye for some people but i don’t want to see my oma lifeless#i know i’ll never get to see her again and that fucking sucks but she’s gone and i don’t want to see her like that#plus i have work and i already called in sick 2 days i don’t want to leave them short again even if it’s understandable#anyway the funeral is on tuesday at least i have the day off already and don’t have to worry about work#everything sucks soooooo fucking bad rn i won’t lie i’m not doing too great#and i miss el so much like i would kill to be able to hug my gf right now#their mom sent me a video today of them laying on the couch with their parents cat cuz they visited for father’s day#and i’ve cried twice while watching it…#argh. anyway. going to go watch a silly little video of some sort and maybe sleep early cause i haven’t been sleeping well#it’ll be ok 🧡#p
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One big mistake people make is deciding that because someone they don't like enjoys something, that mean the something is bad
Easy example from my own life, Max who I'm no longer friends with and just... there were elements of a decent person in there once, but I don't think so anymore... anyway, Max likes Infected Mushroom
So my dad and my Mr Dumbass of a friend decided that Infected Mushroom is a bad band and it's like...
Mr Dumbass, you've been to a concert of there's with me and Max and another person (didn't care for the way the venue did things), you like them or at least have liked them... I'm pretty sure you introduced them to Max
They didn't become a bad band magically because one idiot likes them
Like people just lose the ability to judge things on merit when there's a chance to shit on something that someone they don't like enjoys and... it mostly screws you over and makes you look like a fool, you know?
So try not to do that, try not to shit on something just cause someone you don't like likes it
#cause it would be hard for me to say specific people here; but I certainly see it happen#and it's a trap that even smart people fall into#also don't forget that maybe people you like actually enjoy whatever it is and you're being an asshole to them for no reason#like evaluate things based off their merits; that's all I'm arguing for#anyway; in other news Max enjoyed Infected Mushroom wrong#see... he hate anything with vocals (unless it was something like U2 that his mom played him when he was young)#he had this idea he was enlightened for not liking vocals because... well cause he was a snob and liked feeling smart#so a lot of their best tracks he couldn't stand and would skip#and like listen... they've got some good instrumental tracks for sure#but sorry something like Becoming Insane grabs me a hell of a lot more because it actually speaks to me#also like... voice is an instrument... and it's one I have access to#I honestly often find myself singing the chorus to Wish; in fact anytime 'the game' comes up; all it does is triggers me to sing that#'I play the game; the one that will bring me to my end; I'm waiting for the rain to wash who I am'#I'd sing the rest of it but I don't have it memorized other than stray lines like#... well I know it as being like#'I want to - to - to -... and to bring it all back; I want to - rewind - - - - - and enjoy the consequence'#so you see why I can sing either of the main verses and only have the chorus#but nah; Max is an idiot and enjoys them wrong so I don't really care about his opinion#doesn't make them a bad band dummies; one of you even likes them#don't be 5; don't just go opposite of what someone else likes to spite them
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A strange shirt sort of dream?
#Sel talks#dream journal#I'm pretty sure that's the trash I used#Anyway!#I can't remember the dobby of the dream too well#But for some reason I had 2 bibis (bibii?) But I end up picking both of them up and walking up to the bathroom mirror; like I'm filming a o#Something; saying like “wow! Your mom lets you have 2 bibis??” And I see myself in the mirror (strange!)#And I have a funny little stash growing (along w a weird mullet thing going)#I start thinking something like 'oh its growing in well!' And start to remember my grandma commenting on it? Implying I should shave it? Ca#Shouldn't have mustaches? And then thinking how ridiculous that was cause I really liked how it was looking? Or something?#I didn't really have any strong gender... connotations? To my facial hair?#It's especially strange cause I can't really remember a time where I've seen myself in a dream?#But besides that; I remember using the bathroom a lot. I think I was in some sort of class at one point? I think we were sharing plant#Stories? And I was worried cause I only had a dill plant and I didn't like dill all that much#I also remember putting off planing some herb plants until the end of my dream (right after the fun 2 bibis scene) where I really wanted to#Get that started? But there was strange dream magic that prevented me from starting that.#Anyway! I'm sure the lesson here is I need to get another bibi and I'll finally have such gender
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everyday i wake up and i still don’t know what i should take in university. envsci or indigenous envsci or agriculture or anthropology or canadian studies. how’s a guy to choose only two majors or a major and two minors because that’s not enough for me!! i want to do it allll
#anthro and canadian studies are probably basically the same so its not really between those two but like i want one of them yknkw#*yknow#my mom says its weird for me to take indigenous envsci which i disagree but also see her point but like ouagh it’s so cool….#and like Should i take agriculture… its so silly like where did that intetest come from. but i want it so bad#also indigenous envsci and anthro have co-ops built in and i really love doing co-ops and idk why all degrees don’t offer that#oh canadian studies does too. so its literally just the envsci degree that im already in that doesnt have it lmfao#which really sways my opinion towards those degrees. cause i wanna do that#idc that agriculture doesnt have a co op cause my school has a farm you work on in the summer so like whatever#im not really gonna worry about this till im in school but i do think about it#like its not a big deal rn and idc but. i care a little#coming to realize that i need to have my future entirely planned at all times. teehee
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me and my sister went to the mall today and we ran into hot topic so fucking fast it was unbelievable. me and my sister are literal opposites when it comes to fashion. she picked pink, pastel shit like she was trying to be all uwu kawaii meanwhile im just standing here with my arms full of emo and goth shit, i legit felt like daigo and masato with all this emo drip i had walked out with. (p.s. they should put yakuza stuff in hot topic if they havent already because i have yet to have any yakuza related things in my room </3 also hot topic is like the only store i will shop at)
im so sorry to say these words to you but reading this reminded me of my immortal
#snap chats#I ALSO HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK THOUGH CAUSE I LITERALLY JUST GOT BACK FROM HOT TOPIC AND SPENCERSLKEAKVJA#rubbing off my fucking eyeliner as we speak im no better than a goffick and im sure the stuff you got was actually real fire and im jealous#i actually wore my hakuho pin out today- i pinned it on my back jean jacket. not to flex on you or anything 🥴#i remember the day my college friend said something about me being goth and i looked like a dumbass saying 'im not goth...'#when all i ever did was wear black. and tbf i toned it down a LOT while i was at school. i wanted to be normal-passing 😭😭#that aside i only went in to get jewelry and a new belt chain. also a kirby keychain and nail polish#but like it was that Blackheart brand so you know i just wanted it for the skull container and the name. also i was running out#my hot topic really doesnt have any clothes- or at least clothes i fuck with like its mostly skirts and puffy-sleeved shirts#and yeah those are epic and awesome but they're not my style yk. love it on other people just not on me#i usually get my clothes from like. express or skate shops. very different fashions as you can see LMAOOO#like today i got this really pretty crane shirt and then like. i got a black-and-white striped long sleeve with a skeleton hand patch LMAO#UGH im pissed i didnt get the red and black variant too but i didnt think bout it til i already left#i want to get new boots- the ones i have now are great and i love them but i want something chunkier#my 'goth' fashion is really lowkey honestly like i hardly consider myself goth cause of it- its very casual ig#ignore the fuck-you amount of rings i wear ok. theyre pretty..... also they have certain meanings sometimes#like i wear an owl ring cause it reminds me of my sis since she loved owls growing up and went to a uni with an owl mascot#i wear a dragon ring sometimes cause dragons remind me of my dad. for whatever reason.#idk its cause he tried to convince me i was born year of the dragon when i wasnt ?? idk funny guy lmao#and then i already said i wore snake stuff and crosses cause I Hate My Mom. also i was born a snake#also my dads a christian so :] i will wear two cross rings and a cross necklace tyvm love you pops i wish you were around more#uhhh did i want to say anything else. idk im just dumping about my emo bullshit thanks for reading ☠️☠️#if this wasnt my yakuza blog id actually just show the haul i got today BUT i will spare you lot from my emo bullshit#ok ill kill the tags here now im SILLY
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was watching tiktok and a video had the song michael in the bathroom playing and I was vicerally reminded of being in middle and high school and mom always mentioning how much I looked like my dad (his name is michael) and how I slowly was able to start noticing it too and whenever I sang the song it reminded me of him and I felt like we were overlapping too often felt like id never be anyone but a shadow or his mirror and then i began learning i was trans and now the song makes me think of him even more (he’s not a bad dad he tells me he’s proud of me and stuff there’s just two really big moments he unknowingly failed and one long continuous one but he loves me and he’s proud and he supports me and he didn’t mean it and ive learned to make that enough) and the weird flashback I got when I heard that song and overlapping with his face and how if I transitioned I almost fear I’d be his clone and yeah Anywyas banger song
#the moments were that time he told me how he used to want something to be wrong with him and he’d cut himself to try and prove something was#and he showed me his incredibly faint scars and this was after I told them I was depressed and his solution was to tell me he faked it????#and didn’t even see anything wrong or worrying that he’d cut himself or was self destructive or wished something was wrong so he’d have#something to blame for being the way he was and like DAD THATS DEPRESSION but I was too numb and shocked and felt so so so betrayed becuase#it felt mocking at the time like his way of comforting me. his child. was to fucking show me his scars and be like I faked it so I know#it’s real and sorry I don’t understand WTF DAD#Other time was when he gave me his phone to play Pokémon go and I betrayed his trust (he didn’t like anyone going through his phone) and#went looking through and found Grindr and saw some shirtless photos and people messaging before I left#dad had a shirtlesss photo on there. and I had to pretend everything was fine and erase the evidence and give the phone back and help look#for furniture for our new house and never tell mom cause she’s been through so much already (I really shouldn’t have known I wasn’t her#therapist but this is about daddy issues right now not the mommy ones) so anyways I never told him and years later he told me his friends#signed him up for Grindr as a prank and to make friends and that’s why he thinks someone from his work I pranking him by signing him up#for a gay furry dating site and yet I saw him on his bed sometimes messaging people and yeah#oh and the long continous one was not divorcing mom and defending her saying she loves us when she rejected me and my sister for being trans#and being gone for most of my childhood working and never understanding the fucked up dynamic of home that took place and resenting him for#ruining the perfect routine (sharp words scary feelings always wanting to cry)#anyways michael in the bathroom always gives me weird feelings#cause I hate and love my dad and I looked up to him so much and loooking like him would’ve been a dream but sometiems the wrongs he did#come back haunt my thoughts and I want to scratch and tear apart every feature that makes me look like him. I look nothing like my mom so#there’s nothing physical to tear apart (I just act like her sometimes and have to force myself not the throw up and attack myself from the#disgust)
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my poor body. she does not work so good
#you don't. have to read all these tags. in fact i don't think you should tbh i'm just writing in my diary here. getting very tmi in here rn#i wanna talk about me#gonna try and see if i can get an appt with a new doc tomorrow#because as much as i want to see ANOTHER doctor like i want a hole in my head. i and my mom think it would be good#to see an internist for some more personalized care for my Horrors#cause y'know. i've been pretty happy with my endo for a while now but i just haven't had any improved results in a year or two from them#and their advice is just always. diet and exercise diet and exercise diet and exercise#which is vague and impersonal and unhelpful#it's frustrating. i just want someone to tell me what's going on and how and why we're doing what we're doing#i don't need to be skinny (i'm never gonna be skinny.) i don't need to be an athlete#i just want to feel okay and make sure my body isn't going to poison itself over time#well anyway. hoping i can make a first appointment within the next couple of months#i'm seeing my new obgyn next month...will definitely be asking about my hospital visit yesterday.#i know ovarian cysts can happen and rupture in anyone and aren't necessarily correlated to pcos but#knowing i've got the latter makes me really nervous about the former happening again#and if it happened while i'm already being treated. i think it might be time for a change of treatment...
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hheeeuuurrgghppbbtttt
#my dad messaged me today sayin’ he hopes to see me soon and it honestly ruined my day luke#like please leave me alone ://////#then some general normal Every Day BS happened at work and I just had to dip I almost walked off the job no word to my sups#Just makes me think of my mom which#i feel more justified after it I guess ‘cause she’s the one who allegedly approves the messages her husband sent me when we had our fight#tbh life is better w/o her messaging me daily like I spent basically all of 2023#wanting to cut her off and she gave me even the lightest reason to do it so i did and it’s been nice#the pointless guilt I felt for not wanting to see my family has turned into general resentment and annoyance#i don’t even miss her or him like I straight up just don’t want to see my blood relatives they’re not family to me they’re just people#i happen to share genes with like if you really wanted to build a relationship with the person#you forced into this stupid world then maybe you shouldn’t have been such insufferable assholes for the first 18 years#i spent most of my conversations with them over the phone last year basically just saying life sucks and that i want to kill myself#I need them to feel bad for conceiving me i need them to regret it#my cousin Aaron has the right idea tbh like last I heard he wasn’t talking to my uncle or anyone w/ blood relations really#following in his footsteps. I legit just got so full of rage and frustration when my dad messaged me it’s been like 3 weeks since we spoke#it was so obvious that I didn’t like my mom growing up everyone knew it and berated me for it like how am i supposed to accept that?#How am I supposed to take the hate and anger she exhibit and put out there in that unhappy home#and turn the hate and anger her and her family felt towards me for not loving her#and turn that into love? How am I supposed to turn unending anger and hatred and bitterness and just be like ‘yeah i love you’#I love my parents in the sense that I am familiar w/ them and they have had a constant presence in my life up this point and when I was like#8y/o I had some pretty good times w/ my dad that were DIRECTLY related to my mom being out of the house#my mom was just so abusive to that man for 20+ years#and he took the love I had for him and made me hate him by just shoving jesus down my throat#We used to have CONVERSATIONS he & I but then he got his head stuck so far up his ass that he couldn’t see#how he was just ruining everything. Me: Hey so this thing thats goin on?#him: haha yeah that thing thats been goin on!! You know what tho#[starts pitching JC to me again]#that was all I could get from him from 12-18/19#he killed whatever relationship we had together and now it’s a decade later and I have no interest in talking to him#I don’t care to try and rebuild. I don’t want to rebuild anything with him I don’t want him to want that either
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