#cause i have really bad anxiety
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Went to the endocrinologist today. First time going without my dad, as I don't have a car and he usually drives me. But it went well. A1c was the same as last time, but also the closest I've gotten to being in a good range. 7.2! :)
#my dad is fine. he just couldn't get the day off so i had to uber#my husband came with me though!#type 1 diabetic#personal ramblings#I'm really proud of myself#also my husband is so sweet. we were having issues getting a ride home and he looks at me goes “We're going to be okay”#cause i have really bad anxiety
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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holy shit I did NOT realize how popular my "I will remove my teeth, for I want to remain kind despite my anger" quote is. I just googled it for fun to see what would come up, a bunch of people are quoting it not knowing who its from, an artist called Kuma made an album titled that, so bizzare
#also people are misatributing the quote to kuma and the first google result for the quote attributes it to them#which is kind of upsetting but not a huge deal whatever#its cool it seems to have entered culture like that#i get very mixed feelings about those instances where something I made got WAY more popular than i expected and#people are reposting it or using it without attributing it to me#i both feel bad when stuff isnt credited to me but also good that my art has expanded beyond my reach#its out of my control kind of and other people have it now#which IS what i want for my art and how i generally think art should be#but it is also obviously causes some anxiety to lose control and really full ownership of something that is yours#i think also there is anxiety about something of mine being taken by someone bigger than me#since they can just claim it as their own and most people will know them as the origin#not talking specifically about this quote btw just any of my work#ive definetly been thinking about that hbomberguy vid lol#i hope any of this made sense im a little high rn
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some WIPs from the 80s AU i never finished
#so… hi#i think…. i might start making some stuff here soon#i’ve been gone a lot longer than i intended to be#& i feel a lil bad about it bc i really miss my boys & bein here & all that but#idk it’s just been a rough month#but i’m starting to get the itch to create again#i have a very silly idea for the mbz AU#i also just really want to draw some stuff#i miss making things. i’m going nuts. i’ve hardly done anything fun in WEEKS#i’ve sort of started working on some new OCs but ngl#doing anything that doesn’t involve dhes or kel genuinely feels like i’m betraying them#but i have a concept that i really want to explore so that’s what i’m trying to do#i have been working on a few AUs here & there too but#but mostly nothing fun#i need to do something fun while i still can bc i’m starting at uni next month#& i just know i’m gonna have shit for free time then#i’m taking all in person classes which makes me very nervous#i’m trying to be excited about it but mostly it’s just causing me anxiety lol#but anyway. um. yea. hopefully i’ll catch up on everything & reply to the tags/asks i’ve gotten since i’ve been gone#if i reply to something you said/sent to me a month ago… pls just act like that’s not weird. thanks.#rainyrambles
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my aunt's being a cunt so now my mum's sobbing in the living room everything is so awesome all of the time
#you ever just have family members who are not only rich as fuck they're also extremely healthy#and entirely unable to fathom that not everyoone else is#because the weather is awful my granddad probably can't get to his friends he celebrates new years with every year#so my aunt messaged my mum telling her to invite him over and my mum did cause like yeah ofc#but then she was like damn i don't think we have enough food#cause my dad (good dad/mum's ex bf/not my actual dad/long story) is also coming#so she very casually just mentioned that and my aunt GOES OFFFF at her like ''he's just as much your dad as mine''#bitch! not our problem that your favourite thing in the world is hosting dinners!#my mum's been on sick leave for a YEAR#and now she has to whip up a wholeass new years celebration?#out of nowhere? because you're going to a massive new years party?#plus my dad has bad anxiety so if my granddad's coming he might not even want to come#like they're both invited and it'll probably be fine but for fucks sake#anyway so now she's sobbing. and everything is really awesome.
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also i want to again apologise for how phenomenally behind i have been with reblogging/responding to artworks on here, including art drawn for me or propaganda for the tournament!!
i'm hoping to start getting to my backlog for this VERY soon, ideally within the next two weeks. so you may start to see an increase of this on your timelines. and if i haven't yet gotten to your artwork don't worry, i most likely have it in my drafts!!!
#delete later#slight anxiety brain related ramble incoming but for folks who want more info:#i went through a kind of really bad brain space where i felt like i could not publicly interact with any art or reblog anything#(especially art that included my character; which i of course want to engage with *the most*)#because folks were being kinda weird about me doing so and saying it was “unfair” while the tournament was ongoing#that it showed bias for competitors if i reblogged their content even if it was fanart for me; or promo'd my own oc too much#even though that was kinda the point of the tournament! ���💦#but now that it's wrapping up i will hopefully lasso my brain back into good behaviour and get back on top of it!#i'm so sorry to folks who have drawn things For Me Specifically and i have not gotten to you.#i know how that feels and i know how easy it is for anxiety to churn that up into a real living nightmare and i'm sorry if i have caused it#so just to clarify. if i have not interacted with an artwork i'm tagged in or that was drawn for me:#it is absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone who made me art or the art itself. it's 100% all me and my bad brain space.#i love all art!!! i'm genuinely so grateful and i look forward to showing my gratitude better soon!#okay. enough of a ramble!! this has just been eating at me for months and months. thanks for listening!
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Highschool sucks because I could get hit in the face with a soccer ball at full speed and only 2 girls will care enough to ask if I'm okay
#totally isnt what happened today or anything#ummm anyways my face still hurts a little bit but im mainly feeling fine now#SHOUT OUT TO THOSE 2 GIRLS THOUGH. THEY WERE ALSO THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ASKED IF I WAS OKAY AFTER AN ASTHMA ATTACK THE OTHER DAY#theyre really sweet#id try to be friends with them but they dont seem like the type of people who would want to be friends with the girl who doesnt talk#so far being friendless at school has only caused a few tears to be shed. living it up guys#plus like i have really bad social anxiety you all know this i cant go up to people or ill cry#but yknow whatever im fine with being alone. it gives me more time to draw i guess#doesnt matter#FUCK THOSE BOYS WHO KICKED THE SOCCER BALL IN MY FACE#MY GLASSES CUT MY NOSE AND I HAVE A BLACK BRUISE NOW#it hurts to have my glasses on my face but i need them super bad i cant see 2 inches away from my face#ughhhhh im so tired of my school. i cant do this#text post#shut up hazel
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So based on a true story (then I went to my car and cried because someone apologized to me).
I thought I vented and whined in tags but I don't see them and I'm too tired to type it all out. Just know a few days ago I tried to avoid being in customer pathing, a customer then backed up to let another customer have some space, aaaaand the backing up happened right into my trolley at work. He then made a comment about how it was painful and I needed to be more careful. Today he apologized and said he felt bad enough about it even if I didn't remember him (I very much remember the incident but my facial recognition is in the negatives).
#my characters#oops i fell in love#anyway wow dang woah the apology was genuine and he didnt need to apologize#and i feel bad that i dont recognize him and if i see him again i still wont know its him#but like it meant SO much to me that he remembered me and apologized#cause i have clipped my own heels and ran over my own feet with the trolley so many times#it really does hurt! so i was concerned for oh no what if i clipped his heel or or or#but he just. apologized to me and i was definitely tearing up when i said thank you and i appreciated hearing it#and i dont like that he probably went home to his wife and was like oh i apologized and made the kid cry#its been a real rough week sir and that kindness was unexpected and i greatly and humbly appreciate you#so in honor of not hurting someone take my anxiety oc who is terrified hes gonna hurt someone#being told hey sorry you didnt hurt me and i overreacted bc he fucking deserves that much#i say completely biased bc i definitely needed that today#and since i needed it then my son oc guy needs it
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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i have been going THROUGH it 🤡
#anxiety was so bad today i legit almost went to the er#i was like am i having a fucking heart attack rn#i think it was just a panic attack#and im okay now but god i felt like i was dying??#like im no stranger to panic attacks but they have never caused me physical pain before :(( scary#n e ways. really hope that never happens again 😭#judah.txt
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look at himm :3
#hashtag autism#.why does my arm look like that#ft hisuian typhlosion#shes not the focus here though.#i am way too old to still be sleeping with stuffed animals. but alas#i love them#i bring my entei plush everywhere. like literally to the store too#i have really bad anxiety he helps#i do get weird looks though cause like. im way too old for this shit#but still#pokemon#plushies
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It’s so hard to be exceptional while being normal in a family full of exceptional people . and I really don’t wanna seem like that “smart kid that complains over getting a 98% instead of 100” but those 2 points really matter in the grand scheme of things especially when the 98 is instead an 88 and when I have a pathetic average of Bs and the occasional A and whatever seems so bad compared to my genius family members and it sucks that because of one singular weakness I’ll never be as good as them, when I was raised so well qwith so many more opportunities than them anf yet I still do worse. why? ill never know and it’s making it hard to give it my all
#like why should I even give it my all when what was my all was never enough#too smart for the normal kids and too stupid for the smart kids lmfao#I’m not complaining idk this probably sounds very vain and rudimentary#idk how to explain my issues. I just need an outlet#I also think it’s the burnout lmfao#I also don’t mean this in a self deprecating way like ooojhj I don’t have any talents I’m soooo pathetic and useless!!! no.#I’m actually pretty mediocre at everything#Art never stuck around and writing I was always bad at#science’s the one thing I’m good at and yet I have so much math anxiety I’m practically less than average on it too#and my friends and family just have this image of me being this smart and this good and I’m just. idk. not all that?#seriously I don’t mean this in a vain manner#I’m just hiding the blunt of this in the tags#seriously. does anyone else feel this way?????#I always hated the division of smart kids vs average kids or dumb even#I just.dontjnow#science brings me joy but really it’s because it’s the thing I’m the most knowledgeable on#and I like how people ask me for help in science#and sometimes even maybe they can be impressed with the stuff Ido#but. yeah#this is a lot of repition#I hope this doesn’t go on anyone’s TLs cause that’ll be EMBARRASSING
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Hi! Quick question for the adults who have more experience adulting, how do you not feel like a shitty person for cancelling plans at the last minute? Please and thank u have a great day
#this is so just social anxiety but#I feel not great#I was offered a spot in a master class and he kept it open for me til I knew if I could go or not and I said I couldn't#even though I probably could and I really wanted too but I don't have the money for it and#hes so nice and he held the spot open for me the entire time even though I wasn't sure#and I just feel really really bad and sad cause he's so nice and he didn't have to do that for me#😭😭 sorry for ranting#but thank you for reading anyway if you did#❤️
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5 AM
Just me and my overactive mind facing the nighttime again 🙃
#hopefully the meds work but while waiting for them to kick in I get so damn nervous#and sometimes I do get nights where even on my full dose my anxiety is too overpowering and I just. Do Not Sleep#I mean I do eventually but not without spiraling first :')#way before I was prescribed sleep meds my longest was 3 nights without sleep while on a VERY stressful trip#I felt like I was gonna die and I did not sleep until I got off the plane and was back at home#(this was like 15 years ago already but it still haunts me fhfgsgdh)#my best friend and I were having a conversation today#and she was like 'not sleeping can make you hallucinate right?'#and I was like :') I get the hallucinations in other scenarios too#BUT I also get what she meant#not sleeping is really bad for me mentally which is why I can't do 'sleep restriction therapy'#and fun fact#a lot of my OCD obsessions revolve around sleep!!!#which is 'awesome' because laying in bed with insomnia makes my OCD flare up so like#the two get to feed off each other and make my life a living hell!!!#and don't even get me started on my sleep paralysis episodes#(which I like to think of as just my brain misfiring but that my aunt tells me is saints or demons trying to talk to me)#'cause she hallucinates too but hers are like 'spiritual' or whatever#same with my mom's hallucinations as well#and to add fuel to the dumpster fire of my mind and body is the fact I've been overcaffeinating again#which I've known not to do ever since I was in middle school and saw the pediatric cardiologist who specifically said 'hey don't do that'#fast-forward to adulthood and I still haven't learned how to handle anything#like. I have heart meds and sleep meds and migraine meds and IBS meds#and yes meds are good but like. I know you need to incorporate lifestyle changes as well#which I do for like 2 weeks until the next time I fuck up#I've been so irresponsible lately but like. ESPECIALLY today#didn't eat#took some meds on an empty stomach and forgot to take my other ones at all#had too much caffeine#stressed out over some stupid situations thanks to overthinking
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being not depressed is kind of what i was scared it would be. im so fucking angry. cause i have the energy to *BE* angry now. and to be told i should just "let it go, ruminating won't help" by someone who's spent my ENTIRE LIFE being angry, just in general, meaning i have to tiptoe around without that person EVER realizing i do that, is incredibly frustrating.
#realizing all the shit you grew up with was very messed up and then have NO ONE get it like truly “oh yeah ive messed up raising you i know”#and then never really changing. or rectifying anything. just lip service.#i need. a therapist. and a way out of this house. cant do that tho#like. i feel bad. cause its not horrible here. but its deeply frustrating. and i need space that i am truly unable to get#cant move out. i cant afford it. and they cant afford for me to leave. i got obligations here.#txt#vent#im so serious i havent had emotional clarity like this since i was 12. every version of me ppl knew was me deeply depressed#and i dont think they're going to like non-depressed me. cause i was bullheaded then and im bullheaded now.#for so long i felt that my depression/anxiety were keeping me safe. that they made me safe to *others*#and that if they went away id end up being a bad person. thatd id be mean and uncaring. but i still care#very much. but damn theres a lot of shit i put up with that i didnt deserve
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6 weeks of breathing clean air, I still miss the smoke…..
🏝️🤙🏄🏾♀️🏄🏼♂️💔
#seemed appropriate to use t swift lyrics since I associated so many of her songs with them &haven’t been able to listen to any of them sinc#I don’t even want to say their names#if you know you know#purging them from my life has been depressing as hell#I’m so fucking sick of behind the scenes bullshit ruining my favourite ships#this is the THIRD TIME this has happened to me btw#I’ve genuinely been in mourning#I’m not even exaggerating when I say that finale triggered a days long anxiety attack for me#it’s so ridiculous how something that wasn’t even real caused me to have physical symptoms of distress but it’s true#my heart wouldn’t stop racing. chest was tight. started shaking a few times. felt lightheaded. couldn’t sleep. eating made me sick#it was awful#but now I’ve mostly moved on to anger#I’m angry at a lot of people involved for different reasons#I’m also angry because I’ve lost my inspiration to write#I was solely committed to writing about them the past few years and now that they’re over I have no desire to write for them or another shi#I’m crushed that I’ve lost my joy for writing those ficlets but it’s too painful now. probably always will be tbh#feeling pretty lost creatively…#thank god I made a new friend on here before shit hit the fan#she and I have been venting out our sadness and frustrations together and it’s helped a lot#I hope everyone else in the fandom was able to find support like I did#I know my exit from the fandom was abrupt but I had just finished watching and was reacting purley on raw emotion#but I still think it was my best way to cope with it all#apologies for the rant and to everyone following me who don’t know wtf I’m talkimg about but I was thinking about them today#and I needed to unload a bit#I’m not going to tag anything but I do miss this fandom terribly#I’m still at a point where I don’t want to hear anything about this show or ship ever again… but yeah… I really miss those good times#take me back to the season 3 hype#THIS is the bad place#personal#laura says things
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