#cause i have really bad anxiety
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Went to the endocrinologist today. First time going without my dad, as I don't have a car and he usually drives me. But it went well. A1c was the same as last time, but also the closest I've gotten to being in a good range. 7.2! :)
#my dad is fine. he just couldn't get the day off so i had to uber#my husband came with me though!#type 1 diabetic#personal ramblings#I'm really proud of myself#also my husband is so sweet. we were having issues getting a ride home and he looks at me goes āWe're going to be okayā#cause i have really bad anxiety
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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holy shit I did NOT realize how popular my "I will remove my teeth, for I want to remain kind despite my anger" quote is. I just googled it for fun to see what would come up, a bunch of people are quoting it not knowing who its from, an artist called Kuma made an album titled that, so bizzare
#also people are misatributing the quote to kuma and the first google result for the quote attributes it to them#which is kind of upsetting but not a huge deal whatever#its cool it seems to have entered culture like that#i get very mixed feelings about those instances where something I made got WAY more popular than i expected and#people are reposting it or using it without attributing it to me#i both feel bad when stuff isnt credited to me but also good that my art has expanded beyond my reach#its out of my control kind of and other people have it now#which IS what i want for my art and how i generally think art should be#but it is also obviously causes some anxiety to lose control and really full ownership of something that is yours#i think also there is anxiety about something of mine being taken by someone bigger than me#since they can just claim it as their own and most people will know them as the origin#not talking specifically about this quote btw just any of my work#ive definetly been thinking about that hbomberguy vid lol#i hope any of this made sense im a little high rn
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some WIPs from the 80s AU i never finished
#soā¦ hi#i thinkā¦. i might start making some stuff here soon#iāve been gone a lot longer than i intended to be#& i feel a lil bad about it bc i really miss my boys & bein here & all that but#idk itās just been a rough month#but iām starting to get the itch to create again#i have a very silly idea for the mbz AU#i also just really want to draw some stuff#i miss making things. iām going nuts. iāve hardly done anything fun in WEEKS#iāve sort of started working on some new OCs but ngl#doing anything that doesnāt involve dhes or kel genuinely feels like iām betraying them#but i have a concept that i really want to explore so thatās what iām trying to do#i have been working on a few AUs here & there too but#but mostly nothing fun#i need to do something fun while i still can bc iām starting at uni next month#& i just know iām gonna have shit for free time then#iām taking all in person classes which makes me very nervous#iām trying to be excited about it but mostly itās just causing me anxiety lol#but anyway. um. yea. hopefully iāll catch up on everything & reply to the tags/asks iāve gotten since iāve been gone#if i reply to something you said/sent to me a month agoā¦ pls just act like thatās not weird. thanks.#rainyrambles
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my aunt's being a cunt so now my mum's sobbing in the living room everything is so awesome all of the time
#you ever just have family members who are not only rich as fuck they're also extremely healthy#and entirely unable to fathom that not everyoone else is#because the weather is awful my granddad probably can't get to his friends he celebrates new years with every year#so my aunt messaged my mum telling her to invite him over and my mum did cause like yeah ofc#but then she was like damn i don't think we have enough food#cause my dad (good dad/mum's ex bf/not my actual dad/long story) is also coming#so she very casually just mentioned that and my aunt GOES OFFFF at her like ''he's just as much your dad as mine''#bitch! not our problem that your favourite thing in the world is hosting dinners!#my mum's been on sick leave for a YEAR#and now she has to whip up a wholeass new years celebration?#out of nowhere? because you're going to a massive new years party?#plus my dad has bad anxiety so if my granddad's coming he might not even want to come#like they're both invited and it'll probably be fine but for fucks sake#anyway so now she's sobbing. and everything is really awesome.
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also i want to again apologise for how phenomenally behind i have been with reblogging/responding to artworks on here, including art drawn for me or propaganda for the tournament!!
i'm hoping to start getting to my backlog for this VERY soon, ideally within the next two weeks. so you may start to see an increase of this on your timelines. and if i haven't yet gotten to your artwork don't worry, i most likely have it in my drafts!!!
#delete later#slight anxiety brain related ramble incoming but for folks who want more info:#i went through a kind of really bad brain space where i felt like i could not publicly interact with any art or reblog anything#(especially art that included my character; which i of course want to engage with *the most*)#because folks were being kinda weird about me doing so and saying it was āunfairā while the tournament was ongoing#that it showed bias for competitors if i reblogged their content even if it was fanart for me; or promo'd my own oc too much#even though that was kinda the point of the tournament! š
š¦#but now that it's wrapping up i will hopefully lasso my brain back into good behaviour and get back on top of it!#i'm so sorry to folks who have drawn things For Me Specifically and i have not gotten to you.#i know how that feels and i know how easy it is for anxiety to churn that up into a real living nightmare and i'm sorry if i have caused it#so just to clarify. if i have not interacted with an artwork i'm tagged in or that was drawn for me:#it is absolutely NOTHING to do with anyone who made me art or the art itself. it's 100% all me and my bad brain space.#i love all art!!! i'm genuinely so grateful and i look forward to showing my gratitude better soon!#okay. enough of a ramble!! this has just been eating at me for months and months. thanks for listening!
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I love having a semi aware phobia of hospitals šæ
#and I just decided Iāll visit one today :/#cause my mom urged me to#I donāt even know if I can call it a phobia tbh cause I havenāt been there enough times to really tell#but the times that I am there I am just filled with so much anxiety#and bad memories#which I feel like is bs because Iāve never actually been the one in the hospital#only was there when people close to me were#when I was 9 specifically#maybe that was more of the traumatic part but itās still bs to me lmao#how could I claim to have a phobia when I havenāt even gone through the worst#my posts
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#just a little mental health check in mostly for myself just to write it down#I'm in a weird place#in some regards I've been doing really well lately#I've been more social which always does wonders for my mental health#on the other hand a couple weeks ago I was home alone for a couple days and I was so stir crazy I almost couldn't handle it#I've actually been happy with my body for the last few months and I haven't had any anxiety about food nor have I attempted any restrictions#that's been a big bonus#I'm having a lot of trouble with decisions lately. I'm second guessing everything to a stressing degree#I feel like a bad person for reasons I can't totally pinpoint. like I think I'm manipulating everyone but to what end I can't tell#and there's a part of me that knows this is irrational but I can't shake it#it's so weird being aware that I'm doing so well in many regards#but I'm also able to feel myself slipping into types of paranoia that I know I'm suseptible to#today's been better but for the last few days my heart rate has been noticeably high (which says a lot because it is generally high)#it's caused unease#I don't know if I really have a point to typing any of this out#I'm feeling fine overall. I'm happy with my life right now. I have plenty of things to look forward to in the near and further future#I can just tell something is a little off and I think it might be beneficial to my future self to write this out for sake of timeline#I really need to start tracking my period because it totally might be that. or you know. I have OCD and anxiety is just a part of my life#who knows. it could be a mix or nothing or everything#I don't think anyone's reading this whole thing lol but if anyone does I do want to leave the reassurance that I'm fine and I'll be fine#like I said. just keeping an eye on myself.#oh I thought of another positive thing! I've been way less freaked out about chemicals lately! that's a nice note to end this on!#ashley rambles
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itās so hard to ask for help and when i finally do open up cause i feel it getting worse my cries for help are being ignored by quite literally everyone
#personal#even my fucking therapist only started blaming me for my misery#i told her how bad itās getting and she got really angry talking about how i donāt try to change and i want to be sick#all because iām not working a 9-5 job right now#like great thanks i already despise myself for not being ABLE to work right now but go ahead acting like itās convenient for me#she even acts like my anxiety is rooted in unemployment#iāve struggled with anxiety literally my entire life#TELL 9 YEAR OLD ME THEY CANT FUNCTION BECAUSE THEYRE UNEMPLOYED#the way iām preceveid by someone who should know better is messed up iām so done with explaining anything to any therapist ever again#i feel horrendous and invalidated and wish i could just off myself cause i honestly have no idea what to do anymore
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Biggest Nonbinary Sigh
So as a triangle should I go for the square or circular door??
#i was not prepared for this after the amount of social anxiety i had to smack down to join#im so used to not having to tell websites shit that im not even sure which one to pick??#im a wheelchair user where's the disabled/family bathroom???#and unlike public restrooms i cant really base my decision here on where there's a line#or which bathroom tends to be a little cleaner#ive been cooped up in my house#insulated from the hegemony of the gender binary for so long that this is making me wanna lay face down on the floor#i feel like I'd be LYING#and like i lie all the time on the internet cause i was taught to be very careful with personal info#so why do i feel BAD about lying this way???#and like i know the answer but also hhhhhhhhhhhh#maybe I should just keep watching the fun from afar like i planned to do before therapy#ugh#JUST LET ME SKIP THE QUESTION!!!#i already gave you my damn phone number which is more than i usually give apps#i just wanna see the memes and expand my rice recipe horizons
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i have been going THROUGH it š¤”
#anxiety was so bad today i legit almost went to the er#i was like am i having a fucking heart attack rn#i think it was just a panic attack#and im okay now but god i felt like i was dying??#like im no stranger to panic attacks but they have never caused me physical pain before :(( scary#n e ways. really hope that never happens again š#judah.txt
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ohhh. randomly getting scared of engaging with things i usually like might also be a plural thing. that makes sense now damn
#it happens often where like i remember that i like something so i wanna engage with it#but all of a sudden im scared to and i dont really like. remember feeling anything towards it despite the fact i know i did technically#and it feels weird and anxiety inducing to engage with it like it feels when i engage with something new#all this stuff is confusing cause my plurality isnt clearly split up into different parts like most representations of plurality are#its much more blurry and i dont have different memories between facets. mostly just different. feelings and shit i guess#im kinda like. still a singular base person. i sorta just get piloted by different people sometimes i guess is the best way to describe it#i should probably start keeping this stuff in mind so i dont keep trying to treat myself like the same person all the time#it might be ok to do that with myself if i didnt have such bad anxiety around new things but currently its like#i keep trying to force a bunch of different people who all have a bad anxiety disorder into doing the same exact things#so obviously a lot of them are gonna be scared all the time cause most of them arent used to doing that thing#man this shits confusing. at least i can usually tell when im switching#so i can try to remind myself that im gonna be a new guy and i should try to listen to the new guy so i dont fuck myself up#awoo
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#hate when doing the things Iām āsupposed toā feels like Iām dying a little#but then the opposite of not doing it is like so thereās consequences#this sounds like pathological demand avoidance but I have a lot of issues with this#it feels like a cop out for what really just a high amount of independence#which can be created or just there for all sorts of reasons#it comes down to a need for control in your environment and body and to an extent others#and so any like I guess supposed infraction of this is like anxiety producing#maybe Iām just describing pda but maybe Iām just describing a wrecked nervous system recognizing the world#in certain terms because itās always just lowkey bad not to have it on your own terms#idk what Iām sayingā¦#itās like not an avoidance because itās really more an accessing of the world on different terms#itās not pathological because itās really more about nervous system response so in the body#itās not just about demands because it is so much more about a broader scope of feeling a loss of control and independence#tell me Iām supposed to maybe thatās just a trigger for me idk#love having trauma it makes the world make zero fucking sense#cause itās not even that I donāt even want to not do what Iām supposed to Iām just set off by it sometimes
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look at himm :3
#hashtag autism#.why does my arm look like that#ft hisuian typhlosion#shes not the focus here though.#i am way too old to still be sleeping with stuffed animals. but alas#i love them#i bring my entei plush everywhere. like literally to the store too#i have really bad anxiety he helps#i do get weird looks though cause like. im way too old for this shit#but still#pokemon#plushies
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overwhelmed trying to write a letter for my church staff because i'm so grateful and it's hard for me to even put into words/feel it all because God has been so good to me and so good to me through them
He's cooking so hard as i'm typing my fingers awayyyy
#God be like: putting it on my heart to write letters for specific people and i be like: ok Boss lemme lock in rq#it's like i have anxiety but not in a bad way#at least i'm not shaking nvdfhb#but it feels like i need to run away when i type something i get so overwhelmed and yesterday i had to take a long break#this is like 4 months of gratitude i'm putting into words#i have written ab it constantly but not in a way that's addressed to them#anyways i'm locking in so hard#trying to give God the glory first and foremost tho as i do this#bc i think He's doing something big with my writing maybe even turning it into a ministry idk#it's been a battle trying to get this started cause idk why He's leading me to do it#but another reason why i write letters is bc it's how i express myself bc spoken words are hard and more overwhelming#its also an invitation for further connection and relationship building#it's crazy they really don't even know much ab me bc it's hard to open up however i do trust them#it's just i want to be able to use my words to speak what God has done for me to be vulnerable bc i suck at communicating irl#i've tried so hard all my life w trying to find words and so the best way for me to start dialogue could be to share what He's done for me#it takes the pressure off of myself as well and helps me surrender that worry when i could just talk ab how he's helped/helping me#vulnerability is so scary too and He's also working on that w me and building my confidence#and i just pray my words are a blessing and encourage them to keep doing what they're doing#bc they're inspiring me through their obedience boldness and use of gifts/talents#i won so hard the night i showed up at my church yeahhhh#god is so good#jesus christ#christianity#christian blog#christian testimony#feastingonchrist#aye aye captain
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Itās so hard to be exceptional while being normal in a family full of exceptional people . and I really donāt wanna seem like that āsmart kid that complains over getting a 98% instead of 100ā but those 2 points really matter in the grand scheme of things especially when the 98 is instead an 88 and when I have a pathetic average of Bs and the occasional A and whatever seems so bad compared to my genius family members and it sucks that because of one singular weakness Iāll never be as good as them, when I was raised so well qwith so many more opportunities than them anf yet I still do worse. why? ill never know and itās making it hard to give it my all
#like why should I even give it my all when what was my all was never enough#too smart for the normal kids and too stupid for the smart kids lmfao#Iām not complaining idk this probably sounds very vain and rudimentary#idk how to explain my issues. I just need an outlet#I also think itās the burnout lmfao#I also donāt mean this in a self deprecating way like ooojhj I donāt have any talents Iām soooo pathetic and useless!!! no.#Iām actually pretty mediocre at everything#Art never stuck around and writing I was always bad at#scienceās the one thing Iām good at and yet I have so much math anxiety Iām practically less than average on it too#and my friends and family just have this image of me being this smart and this good and Iām just. idk. not all that?#seriously I donāt mean this in a vain manner#Iām just hiding the blunt of this in the tags#seriously. does anyone else feel this way?????#I always hated the division of smart kids vs average kids or dumb even#I just.dontjnow#science brings me joy but really itās because itās the thing Iām the most knowledgeable on#and I like how people ask me for help in science#and sometimes even maybe they can be impressed with the stuff Ido#but. yeah#this is a lot of repition#I hope this doesnāt go on anyoneās TLs cause thatāll be EMBARRASSING
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