#feastingonchrist

[feastingonchrist]

Yesterday i found myself thinking how i wasn’t worthy enough to receive Communion (which is something i used to think and was always scared to do) because i didn’t feel “good” about myself or my behavior lately, but i was quickly reminded that no one is technically “worthy” to take it yet we’re all invited to His table to participate in the feast together as Christ followers and that made me feel so much better. He instantly changed my mind out of me pitying myself and judging my own works/self to remind me of the Gospel. He did that for us. So we could also participate in what He did. He always leads us back to the Gospel.

[feastingonchrist]

I had to learn this the hard way. But i didn't realize in the midst of it how much it was testing my faith and building my endurance the more i learned. i had slowly begun to connect to His love for me and was able to understand the gospel on a deeper level. Hebrews 3-4 gently convicted me to come to the throne of grace with boldness as Jesus is our High Priest and how we cannot look to ourselves for salvation. But rather look to Him and what He did for us. It took the pressure off of me and led me into repentance. It gave me a newfound sense of freedom in Christ that i had never felt before. But yeah, i used to think i had to perform for God's love and do everything perfect as i have struggled with perfectionism for years because i hated myself and was way overthinking my faith due to the serious nature of eternity and wanting to please God. But in His grace and absolute perfect timing, He freed me from that and has been helping me walk in grace ever since. there are times i still struggle with perfectionism and performance, but, i feel in those moments, He is working those ways out of me and building my endurance and faith and is reminding me in my weakness and trials that i still need Him and i need to keep my eyes on Him instead of myself because that is what always gets us into trouble. Psalm 23 has been a huge help for me to be reminded to humble myself, lie down with Him even when i don't want to, that He's refreshing my soul, is guiding me in the midst of my trials and offering me peace and rest, leading me out and setting me free, setting a table before me in the presence of my enemies, fighting my battles for me, anointing me with oil, me finding restoration as my cup overflows, and the hope of knowing that He will always be there with me as i have eternal life through Christ and i will dwell in His house forever. It truly is so beautiful and humbling to experience new life and freshness in Him and watching/looking back on how He is on the move in our lives! i have finally moved on from "religion" to "relationship" and heart connection with Him (this does not include tradition and liturgy because i believe you can have both as long as your heart posture is correct and is done through joy and not fear/perfectionism, etc.) It's so nice to live free in Christ!

God’s love doesn’t depend on your performance. It’s always constant.

[pinestripe37]

I love to see when you reblog scripture and u add something onto it. The way you write is so sweet and brings me back to His love for us!!! So thank u for sharing always 🥹❤️‍🔥🕊

Aww thank you so much for the lovely message, this means a lot! ❤️ Praise the Lord! 🙏

God's Word is so beautiful and it's awesome the way our Father speaks to us, through Jesus, every insight from the Holy Spirit is such a blessing ❤️❤️❤️

I'm so thankful to hear that through the insights and reminders He blesses me with He's blessed you too! How Gracious is our God! and it's a delight to share what He calls me to 😊 Every truth the Holy Spirit speaks so lovingly to us of is so lovely! <33

I've been blessed through your posts and comments as well dear sister in Christ. ❤️ Grateful for all God does, His Grace in our lives is such a blessing and it's a blessing He's had us talk and be blessed in His Word and Love together. :') He is so Good!! 🙏

[lulu-noopy]

@darydover tagged me to post four pics that aren't selfies :D

I'm tagging : @9x19-balaclava @httpsoftbunni @erfrorenesherz @feastingonchrist (Im not forcing anyone to do it; and everyone is welcome to do it too!)

[feastingonchrist]

you guys it was maybe a month ago i was SOBBING to God, not once but twice that week because i was struggling terribly with my social skills and feeling so insecure and embarrassed. I felt like i lost all my progress i had made over the past few years. to now in the past weeks i have felt so much more confident while talking to people, even people at work i barely even know and multiple people have told me they can see my personality coming through/i'm like a new person. that has blown me away!!! He is literally bringing me to life. ALL I DID WAS BEGIN GOING TO CHURCH AND ALL OF THESE THINGS HAVE BEEN POURED OUT UPON ME! i decided to try and not overthink how i'm coming across and what i'm going to say and it's released the pressure off of me. i've surrendered that to God to handle because i didn't want to deal with it anymore and He has been taking care of it so fast. my confidence has grown so much in the shortest amount of time ever in my life. like He really meets me in the darkest places and soon after begins to move and renews my mind and Spirit and attitude and perspective on things. He has been in the process of helping me move through fear as i walk into it but continues to deliver me out of it into a better place. He is helping me with my endurance and it's made me to trust in Him in deeper ways. i've begun delighting in Him with tenderness and am soaking in His peace and it's been grounding. like i've entered a new layer of peace with Him and my gosh it's so gentle and tangible and i just want to stay there forever in that Presence sometimes. my spiritual discipline isn't the greatest at times and He's getting me there (Psalm 23:1-2 moment.) But my goodness it's wild to have gone from believing in Christ but not putting my faith to action to now doing exactly that and i have just been receiving blessing after blessing - whether it's spiritual (seeing grace everywhere) or relational (just people loving me like Jesus or enjoying my job and adoring going to church and talking to people every week as i practice my social skills.) I say this all the time "idk why all of a sudden He's decided to start blessing me in these ways and what did i do to deserve it?" i know i did nothing and that He has always loved me right where i'm at but it's interesting as i follow the patterns of these past few months and i can't help but wonder if it's all because i have been taking steps of faith into the unknown and it's tested my trust in Him and endurance in those "dim mirrors" as Paul would say which has brought me into closer communion with Christ and i've been able to "see more clearly" and understand things on a deeper spiritual level. idk but ugh HE IS SO GOOD I AM CONSTANTLY TOUCHED AND HE IS JUST DOING GREAT THINGS WITHIN ME AND THE OTHERS AROUND ME. I wish i could talk ab these things without sounding repetitive but i swear He is doing these things and having me learn them/lessons over and over again to show me that i can trust Him and work things out of me to bring the new in. i really do love Him so much my gosh i really do. This is the best season of my entire walk with Him since i got saved in 2021 nearly 4 whole yrs ago and i am trying to soak it all in and even process it!!!! so i share all of this on here bc it's a lil diary for me, i love to share what He's doing for me to show others He can do it for anyone and i want to give hope to others with my testimonies. i have had so many of these recently and it's made me so joyful 🥹

[feastingonchrist]

Yes it does but my appetite is next to nothing. Like my body is hungry but i don’t really have any safe foods. It’s been ice cream and yogurt but i’m getting sick of eating so much sugar. We have nothing here to eat or if we do (like chips and popcorn) i just don’t want it. Nothing is appetizing. If i force myself to eat it ruins my appetite and makes me sick and anything i try to eat after that the same issues occur. I have been having sensory issues with food again which has NOT HAPPENED IN A VERY LONG TIME. I’m just so sick of eating cause everytime i do lately it’s been bad. For a good week there i was seeing progress with my digestion and ability to eat well. I had no food noise and felt great until last thursday. Yesterday was awful trying to eat. Idk what it feels like to eat normally or have a normal and healthy relationship with food. I did not know that ARFID had subtypes either and now when i look at it i’m like “oh so has this been what i’ve been dealing with all these years?” The cutting out of foods bc of fear of a bad reaction and then when i’m stressed the sensory part makes stuff worse and i get fixated on things until i don’t anymore and now i don’t have an appetite at all. So many things i between that. I went from being unable to eat, to binging, to a good week of regular eating and more self control to ARFID sensory issues and then not wanting to eat or only eating when i have to and now I’m really struggling with all of these changes up and down and life changes make it even harder and i don’t know what to do about it. Like i’m guilty at times when i eat too much even tho it’s literally not too much at all but that’s bc of the binging episode and i am stuck between caring and not caring. Idk why this is all so intense right now but i think it’s cause i felt a sense of normalcy in what i thought was my healing journey as i’ve been experiencing what i prayed for FOR YEARSSSS and then it’s like it got stolen back from me and my control issues are losing it….. i will say thankfully the “pickyness” and severe sensory issues aren’t back like they were years ago. Man the trauma that comes from food, health & lack of money is DIABOLICAL. My mindset has become so distorted and i’m just constantly afraid deep down that i’m gonna run out of food and never eat again stemming from my digestive issues and the times when money gets tight. It sucks feeling so trapped and alone. I had no idea i was dealing with an eating disorder all this time. I was thinking it was like one and i called it disordered eating cause for sure but oh my gosh it makes so much sense why i randomly will have the sensory issue flare ups when i’m mega stressed out bc my baseline already so low. It doesn’t help when people constantly comment on my body or my food choices (like y’all if u knew my struggles u wouldn’t act like i have it so good bc i can’t eat or that i’m so small like I JUST WANT TO EAT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON UGH NOBODY GETS IT. I’m tired of eating around people it’s so embarrassing. But yeah i didn’t know everything was so complex when it came to my food issues and trauma but clearly it is and i’m so sad actually 😭

[feastingonchrist]

how it feels to be around safe people and your nervous system healing because of that:

And this is me and God fr (He makes me so childlike as well as me feeling so childlike around the other safe people bc that’s the Gospel in them! Like many days i am just smiling and giggling over the littlest things because i’m being shown love and i am able to recieve that and in turn my joy is full of love too and that’s all i have to give out as i process all of this)

[feastingonchrist]

Having a controversial testimony 🤝 being too scared to share it

(especially around those who i still occasionally interact with on IG because i don’t know how they’ll react no matter how gently i say it. They are my old friends, we were super close and bonded over things that i no longer have anything to do with. I feel like i’ve outgrown them spiritually as they do not follow Christ and our conversations fall flat because there is really nothing to talk about. We barely talk anyways and idk i have felt a pull away from them for a long time but i don’t know what to do.)

like i am genuinely so scared to even talk about any of it it because i know they are currently far from acknowledging the truth of God’s word and standards about anything at all. I am scared of people speaking about me. I am scared of how i’ll be perceived. And i know that is me idolizing their opinions of me and people pleasing and it’s not a good thing…. But it’s so hard to leave that mindset. I could just also rip the bandaid off and do it but i don’t know how good of an approach that would be. I just want to leave and partly that is due to fear but the other part of me is just sick of being online and i have wanted to leave IG for a long time anyways.

Christ has changed me so much (spiritually & politically are two big ones; ones people get bothered by the most ) and it sucks when it feels like there is something blocking me from speaking about it. I want to walk in freedom and face the fear because fear is a joke anyways but ugh this has been the absolute hardest thing for me - sharing my testimony from before Christ and what He’s done/is doing for me. I can enjoy it and feel free and joyful because of what He has done for me but it’s hard to be able to talk about it freely. I also was never able to express my emotions or opinions as a kid without getting in trouble, told to stop crying or being told i’m arguing. This is how the culture acts, too. It’s scary. So this is connected. And i know we shouldn’t fear man and that God doesn’t give us the spirit of fear and perfect love casts out fear. That works for me in other situations, but this area has had a stronghold on me for years and it makes me feel so isolated :( I’d like to ask for prayer & if you could share this if you don’t mind 😓❤️‍🩹

[feastingonchrist]

i'm being pulled in all sorts of directions right now, being put in new, sorta scary positions and some maybe involving leadership, i can't think, process or focus on anything unless it's a random hyperfixation and i'm a little stressed and getting ahead of myself but things are gonna be okay. God is moving and i gotta rely on Him through it. however, prayers would be appreciated, thank you 🙏

[feastingonchrist]

I think i have the flu 😓 i felt fine last Thursday, just a dry throat (thinking i was dehydrated) and was getting hot but the heater was on all day at work so i assumed it was that. I had a minor cold from then until Monday. I started feeling sicker by the end of the work day on Monday. I didn’t get good sleep that night and felt exhausted. I stayed up late last night for some time to self regulate and calm myself down (literally rocking and humming to music lol). I woke up this afternoon after 11ish hrs of sleep and i just had tired eyes. I felt well rested. But i started feeling worse not long after. My heart is racing and it’s hard to breathe, my head/face have pressure and my throat hurts along with painful coughing and a stuffy nose. I have places to be fr i don’t have time to be sick. I was supposed to work tomorrow and now i don’t think that’s happening. If that doesn’t work out i hope i will AT LEAST be able to make it to church on Sunday or i’ll be very sad :(

Would any of you be willing to say a prayer for me along with anyone else who is sick right now? It’d really mean a lot.

[feastingonchrist]

there's something God has been doing with me and it's never happened before in these past 4 years so i'm calling it weird but it's actually not weird at all... He has been putting things on my heart about certain people in my personal life and these things just break my heart and i grieve for them. i stay up for what seems like hours grieving and praying for them so hard. i will think on it for days and it's hard for me to even process but i keep going to God with it.

it's even crazier as God revealed some things to me about someone at my church and i wondered why we haven't been clicking as i hoped for and i was trying so hard to figure out the situation/read her intentions. what He had revealed to me that i could not shake was that she was dealing with insecurity, brokenness, specifically depression and having a hard time receiving. well what's crazier is that she actually said these things with her own mouth the other night and brough up the fact that it's hard to receive good things from people because she's trying to figure out their intentions. i was and still am SHOCKED after hearing that. i wonder if that's why our interactions are so awkward cause i have done nothing but give her what's on my heart as God puts it there (kindness & encouragement) yet it's such an awkward relationship yet i see it growing very slowly. we have had some personal conversations before though a few times and it's usually me approaching either to try and be a blessing or share a thank you for how she's blessed me thru her ministry/role in our church. i have also tried to figure her out and wondering if maybe i'm doing the same thing? (questioning intentions/character... i think it's just intrusive thoughts tho) if there's actual potential of friendship there i wonder if we're both doing this at the same time and focusing on the wrong thing instead of connecting? but yeah it just makes me sad to know that and how she deals with that along with depression and anxiety because she's a generally kind person with such kind eyes and to have those things brought to my attention and then confirmed out of her own mouth is so insane to me. idk i just keep on praying for her because i care for her a lot as a person and sister in Christ. i'm not sitting around trying to psychoanalyze i just get curious and talk to God and He always puts something on my heart whether it's to write and share and now stuff like this that leads me to pray for them.

this also happened with someone else (not all the details are the exact same but very similar) yet i'm super close w this person. very kind person with kind eyes yet a lot of brokenness there. it's not hard to tell. it also breaks my heart for her and like i really will go to war for people in prayer because i hope for them to be healed (yes healing is a process but wow so much can be done when you simply allow Him to do that work!)

both of these people i feel very drawn to spiritually and relationally and i relate to them both in ways we've had similar struggles so i'm not entirely sure why but i feel like God is using me in some way to bless them idk??? like He's healing me from past hurts thru loving relationships and ministry and i wonder if He's using me to do the same and also sharing my testimonies. it makes me so sad how people have a difficult time receiving love because if they only knew Who it was coming from and how love is a free gift to be accepted just as the gospel is and how it leads to freedom... like please take it. but i get it bc ppl don't wanna get hurt and are so not used to kindness and the love of God thru others. Jesus literally stressed how important it is we come together and love one another, too. this is my way of doing it😣❤️‍🩹

if you stayed this long please pray for them as i do, too :( they're both such blessings to me in my spiritual walk in different ways

[pinestripe37]

@feastingonchrist I right away thought of you and thanked God for you in this prayer, the Love God has blessed you with truly is joyful and encouraging and it's been such a blessing to fellowship together in His Goodness. ❤️ I'm grateful our Father empowers us to shine and bask in Jesus' Light through the Holy Spirit.

Prayer for May 19th

Loving God, thank you for blessing us with joyful and encouraging people. Please continue to place people like that in our lives to lift our spirits and point us to your Son. Show us how to be encouraging to others when they need it and shine the light of Christ wherever we go. We pray this all in Jesus’ strong and mighty name. Amen.

[feastingonchrist]

Not to sound existentially deep in a 14 year old way but many people asked me today how i was and i was like “…..i’m alright” BRO I WAS NOTTTTT. I think a few people could tell bc i was struggling to hide my facial expressions but maybe not. Idk my mood and energy were so low today i felt so out of place. I know i’ll be okay soon and once i left church i felt better from the sermon and probably from worship too. The sermon was something i needed to hear as well as a song/message on that about how nothing can hold us down bc God is too big, etc. it gave me a little bit of hope ab my current situation and helped me change my mindset a little. So i feel less like “in a rush” ab it and going a different way about it and talking about it. I think i know who i could talk to about it as well. (Sorry i keep bringing it up but gosh this has been COOKING ME all week)

[feastingonchrist]

well wow. my brother went to this massive Episcopal church way across town this morning and then he invited my mom and i to service this evening. i wanted to go just to look at the architecture but i am so grateful i got way more out of it than just the beautiful stained glass windows, high ceilings and gorgeous organ and choir music. the service was about Trinity Sunday and celebrated the Holy Trinity all throughout worship. i have never been to such a liturgical high church service before. super traditional and liturgical services can be a bit too wooden and mundane (though i appreciate the sentiment behind the acts), but i do like the organization and order of everything because it's easier for everyone to participate together. i very much appreciated the kneeling during prayer times. i think kneeling is such an underappreciated act of reverence toward God during fellowship. i also loved watching the alter procession and the altar women/men setting things up at the beginning of service. i believe on the last song the choir was singing a song and walked off stage and around to the other side of the stage and stood there until it was over - that was interesting. i was really starting to become moved by the Holy Spirit during worship and prayer time on and off.

well one of the women i don't know what her title was because i don't have my worship guide and i'm not Episcopal so it may have been a deacon? she read Romans 5:1-5 to us and that made me emotional and a little bit annoyed as she read "and not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope...". now the reason i got annoyed is because i forgot i was sorta supposed to find joy in my trials and i haven't been able to do that recently as they've overtaken me. it was the type of annoyance where i was like "oh" and it was almost kinda funny. i was thinking how heavy things have been for me lately. she also talked about how when people go through times of suffering they tend to become victims, demand privilege and act entitled. she reminded us how we can't let ourselves become and talked about how Jesus did what He did not only for the people back then but for now too and how we have the Holy Spirit to go with us and be there with us through our tears.

They prayed and got everything ready for Communion/Holy Eucharist and i started to get emotional again because i knew i needed to partake in that. they gave us a little wafer with the Moravian lamb logo on it (look it up because it's very cool but it didn't have the slogan on it). i dipped my wafer in the wine and lowkey that wine was so sweet and good i was like "okayyyyyyy!". but that was pretty much the end of service. i don't remember what happened after that, but they had someone over by the baptismal font if anyone needed prayer and i went because i knew i needed it. i waited in line and was tearing up and one of the ladies from before (i think the reverend?) asked me if she could pray for me and i told her she could. so i told her a little bit of what was going on. i don't remember exactly what she even prayed for me but basically something along the lines of food being a blessing to my body instead of working against me. it was very sweet and i really appreciated that and asked if i could give her a hug. immediately afterwards, i became hungry again. now why that is important is this: my poor relationship with food has been VERY BAD all week and it's the worst it's been for me mentally regarding that and my lack of appetite. i was able to eat lunch today but i got full very fast and felt sick and tired afterwards. but i don't know the simple prayer she did for me was very special to me because i could feel my peace, joy and freedom coming back to me. during service i kept feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit on my forehead like a kiss and Him pressing on my heart with His hand and the same feeling when i got in the car. i just sat quietly in the back seat for a long while and i was in prayer and thanking God for that. i felt like i could just breathe for once in a while and like everything was okay in that moment - like i was being protected. even if it was just for a few moments oh my gosh it was so peaceful and relieving. i know this healing journey is still gonna take so long and have so many ups and downs as it has already proven to be in this last month, but i know i am not stuck unhealed forever. i think i got my hope back again. HIs love, comfort and care is so precious and i love the way He uses us to display those things 🥹❤️‍🩹

[feastingonchrist]

i say all this to give u a precursor as to why this whole writing thing was only half of the next thing i'm going to reblog under this post. it truly is crazy the ways in He works. it also is so crazy in how He uses certain things to answer prayer and is having me do things i don't fully understand even if i have the slightest glimpse of a vision for it. if ur gonna read my posts get used to my yapping cause all the details are actually extremely important lol won't God do it....

so on Tuesday i woke up soooo early like 4 am unable to sleep so i put on worship music. around 6:30 i get up to get ready for work thinking i'm gonna get called in. i wait til like nearly 8:30-9 and i'm like "um ok i guess i'm not going to work." mind u, i prayed to be able to go bc i love my job. instead, He had me clocked in to write in my journal. He really woke me up to call out my delusions and have me be patient i guess. i was annoyed and then prayed specifically to be able to work AT THE PRESCHOOL the next day.

Wednesday rolls around and i'm up at like 6. same thing, i put on worship music, wanting to work and praying specifically to work at the preschool. i don't get called in at 7 am when i usually am and instead He finally had me writing about my gratitude to be at the church. It's felt like the time to start working on that again. i start writing around 10ish am and i was like "oh i see why i stayed home today, this was more important". in the middle of writing a sentence, i was unable to think of what to say next and decided to wait til later to finish. next thing i know, i get a call from my boss asking me to come in bc my coworker had to pick up her daughter who was injured at school. i felt bad, obviously, but i was also glad to be there. it was kinda a whole ordeal to get me there but it worked. so i went to work for like maybe two hours, i'm in the centers room and i had a thought like He was telling me "ur done for now" and i thought that was so funny He's got jokes like wdym He put me on pause so randomly???

but i get home and talk ab this and immediately afterwards i go back to trying to finish what i was writing earlier and i completed it so quickly and was like "ok so i'm done with that." like??? He really had me wait for what? but also answered a prayer for me. He is being so intentional lately and having me be patient and obedient and do certain things at certain times. idk it's so weird and i'm learning even more to be led by Him and i can just feel His presence hovering over me so heavily right now and it's like sometimes after He's blessed me so intensely my life doesn't even feel real.

[feastingonchrist]

idk if this is a “real” thing but my safe foods are mainly anything sugary so like usually dairy or snack cakes BUT i am so sick of sugar and my safe foods are only here to help regulate me and possibly help me to eat something else but they’re so not enjoyable anymore so i’m back to hating eating again 😭