#but their plurality formed through the compartmentalization of the personality

[snezhnayan-nights]

So anyways, I'm still pretty curious on why (a good majority) of endo plurals won't stop using system. There have been lots of implications that it's originated from DID/OSDD spaces or even medical text in general, and it's still on my mind a lot.

I understand that normalizing the changing terminology would not be fast considering how relatively big the demographic is. But I don't think it's hard to just... Change terms?

Hypothetically, I think the change would actually clear up a lot of problems and confusion about endo plurals being seen as the same as CDD systems. Endos have their own junk and CDD systems have their junk, despite some of the similarities and certain overlaps. I don't think "system" needs to be one of those overlaps.

In a likely actuality, lots of endo plurals would disagree on the change of terminology with whatever reason they say. I don't really know what reasons, so anyone that disagrees, feel free to say.

The one argument I do think would be prominent would be, "The meaning's changed now, it's for general use!". Which, I can agree with that point, but it doesn't help the fact endo plurals get mixed up with CDD systems a LOT just by a single word.

[sugar-grigri]

If you haven't done one before, could you do an analysis of Denji's use of sexuality as the only form of love he still has untouched?

Sex and love, two bets Denji wants to take

At first, touching breasts, getting close to a girl, was a way for Denji to fill something he didn't understand. Projecting his lack of relationships, and affection, into what was visible, represented on those posters and magazines, through all those sexual images. Denji is someone who reasons through his senses, his intuitions. For him, pure physical contact was love.

When he loses Pochita for the first time, Denji doesn't immediately place his feelings in the abstract. He's sad, having just lost his family, but physically, organically and symbolically, he remains in his heart, he is his heart. It's only afterwards, as Denji experiments, that he understands the ambivalence of relationships: things don't turn out as we'd hoped, we can even have bad experiences, be violated against our will even when we were convinced we'd get a reward, a pleasant, harmless act.

Proposing a carnal act is not necessarily an act of kindness; on the contrary, it's often a way of dominating and manipulating the other person. Falling in love and sleeping together isn't as simple as cooking and eating. It's a risk before it's a pleasure.

Then there was Aki and Power. The symbol of platonic family relationships. For whom Denji didn't realize his attachment until after their loss. To the point of understanding that losing someone isn't as simple to resolve as sleeping when you're sleepy. That it follows us without solution.

Denji understood this plurality of love, he also understood that sex, or one's own body, is a currency of exchange, as his dialogue with Yoshida had shown. A body can be bruised, sex can be non-consensual. These aren't just abstract concepts, Denji doesn't think like that; if he's understood them at all, it's through his own experiences.

In chapter 127, Denji catches up with Asa, subjected to the Falling Devil, who argues that life is only pain. What Denji is trying to do is reassure her, which is not easy for him as speech is not his strong suit. But he puts himself in her place anyway, and it's one of the rare times when CSM expressly and voluntarily helps someone simply to help them, without projecting anything behind it (he wasn't supposed to see Asa anymore).

He then talks about cats and dogs, because he knows that universally they are beings that bring us happiness. But he also evokes all his traumas: ice cream (Aki), cats (Power), but above all hamburgers (representing his mourning when he gave up control of his being to Pochita). Denji evokes them all positively, yet symbolically, they are all finely chosen elements that will evoke negativity.

But in the end, Denji says he's moving on to have sex one day. I know this isn't the right way to reassure Asa, but Denji wanted to help her, to comfort her, and he did it sincerely, because he can't change what he says if it's what he thinks. Wanting sex is what a teenager wants. It's also a desire for Denji not to compartmentalize growing up and not to pay attention to his needs.

Denji is attracted by what he can touch directly, by pure sensations. So it's natural that he only talks about sex. That's not to say he'll reduce his girlfriend to that, he just doesn't know what envelops the act, feelings, love. He's never had a girlfriend!

Denji was abandoned by his parents, dehumanized, having grown up with a demon, behaving like an animal. So he answers his questions with this latest experience, a sensation not yet acquired: the origin of humanity, his own, Asa's. If everyone's doing it, it must be good!!!

Sex is presented as two sides of the same coin in this part, as a kind of naive claim for Denji to move forward, to get out of his pain, but something that is constantly used against him, to manipulate him, that puts him in danger.

And once again, he begins to spot the danger, but can't fight it. Fumiko is the perfect example, a symbol of his sexual trauma to which Denji is completely subjected.

Denji is beginning to know that sex can be both positive and negative. But he also doesn't know how to discuss it, how to talk about it, especially to the girl he's interested in. As he thinks sex is something universally pleasurable so talking about it had to resonate in Asa as much as cats, dogs, ice cream. He presented something that was also traumatic in a beautiful light.

Denji wants a girlfriend, he wants to be loved and to love, yes. Even though love is rarely a pleasant experience, even a factor of despair.

Denji also wants to sleep with someone, yes something just as risky, or he consciously knows he can be used and manipulated for it.

Sex isn't Denji's way of being loved, it's like love, something as beautiful as it is traumatic. And Denji wants to experiment. Even if it means suffering. Because in suffering, there will always be pleasure.

CSM, the fruit of an act of love for Pochita and mourning for Denji, is above all the chimera of trauma.

Denji doesn't think he can get out of the trauma. He has experienced it so much that he now sees it as something necessary to experience. He doesn't confront suffering, he deflects it, even if it means suffering more.

How could Denji break out of this cycle?

By learning to trust.

And that's something he'll experience with a teenager who's distrustful, his opposite.

Both the attraction and the rejection of sex are normal reactions for two teenagers. But they are also two responses from the two protagonists to their own suffering.

Denji's obsession with sex is a desire to move forward, to tie the knot to the point of putting himself in danger. Asa's absolute rejection of contact is also symbolic of the fact that she no longer wants to suffer by connecting with others, even if it means suffering from her loneliness.

One is literally swept away by his suffering, while the other cuts off his own head to get some hope, accepting his suffering as necessary, even if it deprives him of his loved ones. And the result will be the same: solitude.

You can't throw yourself into someone's arms, just as you can't isolate yourself.

Loneliness will devour them if they don't bond with each other.

A relationship with someone you trust is enough.

[sophieinwonderland]

Hullo! I have questions? I’m trying to figure out what endogenic systems are, and it’s all decently new to me.

If this ask is rude in any way please void

What is a willowgenic system?

Are median-systems (monoconcious) systems strictly endogenic?

Are dreamaway systems (maladaptive daydreaming systems, MaDDs systems) endogenic? (Curious about this one because anti-endos do not like answering that one)

And last but not least, how does tulpmacy works (idk if I spelt that right)

Thank you for your time!!!

Hi there! Thanks for the questions!

A "willogenic" system is a term for a created system, and is usually used as an alternative to tulpamancy. The big difference being that tulpamancy has a much more extensive community with a masive trove of resources that isn't always connected to the more general plural community.

I don't much like "willogenic" as a term personally as I feel it simplifies the process, suggesting the headmates can be created through will alone.

Tulpamancy generally works, in its most basic form, by talking to an entity in your head until it becomes autonomous and sentient. There are a few different variations of this.

The most popular in the community seems to be starting from scratch. You give your tulpa an appearance and imagine their appearance, but not much else. Maybe you'll imagine a few personality traits for them as well. If you talk to them enough and treat them like their own person, you'll eventually hear a voice belonging to them. It will sound similar to your internal thoughts, but different at the same time. So the job of a tulpamancer is to listen for these voices. Or often before a voice, you may instead sense your tulpa's feelings and emotions in the beginning before the tulpa is actually vocal. (This is usually called tulpish.)

The less popular method, but the most common for producing accidental tulpas, is creating a more-developed character and "parroting," where you speak for them in the beginning. Do this long enough, and that character you controlled initially will develop independence and autonomy. Many tulpamancers end up being writers whose creations become sentient.

The reason for this, I believe, is that a lot of fiction writing involves low levels of dissociation. When you think about it, it requires you to compartmentalize. To feel what a character feels, you need to put all your knowledge and feelings as the writer in one box, and the feelings of the character in a second box.

This is even more true when you start talking to the character, and having conversations with them as yourself.

And no, median systems are not inherently endogenic. There are plenty of median systems out there who are traumagenic, and one could consider certain forms of OSDD a type of median system. Additionally, many polyfragmented systems will describe having median subsystems.

Dreamway systems will also vary in origin. Some are traumagenic. Some are endogenic. And sometimes it's complicated.

Maladaptive daydreaming itself is heavily associated with trauma, but can exist without trauma present. This is because of an addictive quality of daydreaming. And even if the daydreaming is caused by trauma, that doesn't mean that the system is. In a traumagenic system, the system is created by the trauma directly, and the brain basically trying to quarantine the trauma from the rest of the system. In a dreamway system, the maladaptive daydreaming may be caused by trauma, but that doesn't mean the system is.

Dreamway systems, even if the MADD itself is traumagenic, may lack the "EP" or trauma-holding headmates characteristic of CDDs (complex dissociative disorders) under the structural dissociation model.

[bizlybebo]

anyways i had time to think about dakota cole on the flight and i was specifically thinking about system headcanons cause of the posts i reblogged earlier and now im thinking about plural dakota cole. youre a kid whos gone through hell and back and Then you live with somebody who loves you so much and tries so earnestly but simply Cannot bear the weight of your grief (being your dead parents’ only child; alaska was grieving her sibling too) and your sheer energy. so you learn to compartmentalize yourself and your personality and suppress who you are because you’re your aunts little boy and your parents’ kid. but you’re also an energetic loud attention seeking kid in class who will do anything ambitious or daring to be noticed by others. and you’re the quiet little boy who wanders the streets of new haven aimlessly avoiding going back to the apartment and crouching down to pet stray cats and murmuring to them. and you’re also the kid who kicks his shoes off in a dead silent apartment and checks your aunt’s pulse and wipes the drool from the corner of her mouth and closes the bottle of whatever vice she chose tonight and settles her to bed and staggers through a dirty apartment to your one safe haven: your room. and you escape it all by dreaming of being a superhero who can save people and starting by saving your aunt and moving away from all of this junk and neglect and pain and maybe if you were a hero you could’ve saved your parents too. and you can’t form into a full person when you’re just clawing at trying to survive and still be positive and hide what you’re going through cause there are other people hurting and you can save them. always the weight of the world with you dakota. i’m just saying that with all of this i can see where a split seriously could’ve happened. and then there’s all that stuff witj katori and the procedure and mato and then dakota joining pd. and how he mentions time passing weirdly for him and his gaps in his memory (and obvious suppression of memories + emotions) and how he can’t remember when he goes “feral” and also his entire thing of adopting a new identity (dakota damascus vs dakota cole). like these aren’t necessarily criteria for being a system at all and these are all possible “Normal” aspects of being a singlet character too but just looking at it through this lens is so. man. yknow

[vivieblix-star-cluster]

Tale of System Discovery: Two Voices Recognizing Each Other's Presence Through the Hardship

Content warning: Discusses mental illness, a system gatekeeper, and brief bodily injury. Also non-detailed mentions of childhood trauma, addiction, abusive relationships.

Talking about how we discovered our plurality seems like a natural next step after writing our intro post.

With everything we’ve learned since our syscovery, it’s become apparent to us that we first became plural around the age of 7 years old. However, we didn’t discover or understand what was happening until we were several years into adulthood. Looking back, it’s confusing and a little funny that we didn’t notice it sooner. We recognized certain signs here and there while growing up and puzzled over them at times. We even learned to anticipate switches but didn’t recognize them for what they were. We came across the concept of DID and read about it on multiple occasions over the years, but it never quite clicked or resonated despite the idea of multiple people in one mind and body fascinating us to no end.

Nope, turns out our system was founded upon stealth, anonymity, and masking. This all worked fine and dandy in the background for the entirety of our time in school/college. Schooling provided enough structure and happiness (yeah, we were weird and liked school...well, the later years of it anyway) that we were totally distracted from the happenings in our system. It was only after we’d graduated from college and started our career that things started falling apart. Being in school was also the only thing keeping our mental illness in check, and stars above, did it crash and burn in a big way within about 6 months of starting our career. All those years of compartmentalization suddenly had nowhere to go in the absence of sufficient distraction and mood-boosters. So it simply came up to the surface. We were beginning to experience the true depth of our various mental illnesses for the first time ever. We couldn’t stand our first job after college, which didn’t help either, of course.

Over the course of two years, we became a totally different person. Someone new had formed in our system and they were nothing like the other members that were already in it at the time. They were a gatekeeper, they were utterly furious and loathed everything and everyone around them in the world, without exaggeration. They felt the same things about themselves too. They pushed everyone else out of front and took over completely for a couple years. Eventually, someone else in the system noticed something wasn’t right and started crying out.

The way things had worked in the system up until this point, Cressida (she/her) had been the one most frequently at the front. We didn’t really have a host per se, but Cress was still the main person operating things 5 days a week. Sabine (They/them) would help her at some points throughout the week, but Sabine mostly handled weekends with the help of the subsystem they had control over.

So, when this new bitter and hateful person took over and muscled everyone else out of the way, Cressida realized after a time that she had been imprisoned. She began protesting it by repeatedly declaring “I’m not the real me. This doesn’t feel like the real me.” We told our therapist about these feelings, that it simply didn’t feel like “the real me” living our life anymore. We were still largely ignorant about plurality at this point, but those feelings simply weren’t going away. In fact, they only grew in intensity as more time passed. Cress grew to resent her imprisonment and eventually started trying to break out of it. We wrote about some of these feelings/experiences as they happened. Cress described through our writing that she was in a cage, a small metal box she couldn’t get out of no matter how hard she tried.

This turned into a sort of rivalry between them. We referred to Cressida as “the positive voice” at the time. Nix (They/she), the overzealous gatekeeper described above, was referred to as “the negative voice”. This recognition of two distinct voices is what we consider as our initial system discovery. For over a year after recognizing these two voices, the “real me” and the “imposter”, Cress’s attempts to break out of her imprisonment became increasingly desperate and frenzied. She couldn’t stand not feeling like her brightly optimistic and bubbly self, nor how bitter and resentful Nix was all the time. We’ve always been best at communicating through writing, so it showed most clearly in the things we wrote about these feelings.

Cress pounded against the walls of her cell with everything she had and then some. She’d strike at the walls until her hands were bludgeoned, broken, and bloody, then keep going just to drive home how badly she wanted out. She screamed about it “not being the real me” all the while.

Finally, as we were recovering from a fairly short-lived addiction, she broke out. The moment is seared into our collective memory, one of the most powerful switches we’ve ever experienced. We were taking a shower when she finally shattered through the walls of her containment. She cried in utter relief and triumph for about an hour right there in the shower, sobbing so heavily that we couldn’t stand. It was as if she were seeing the world around her for the first time ever. It felt like being able to breathe again after being unable to do so for ages. Her time in the cell had changed her quite a lot, and everything looked and felt so totally new that it registered as surreal.

Nix was still around of course, but could contain Cress no longer. She vehemently refused to go back to her imprisonment. Over the next few weeks, with our therapist’s help, they began trying to communicate directly with each other for the first time. They turned to writing, of course. The first several times they interacted through writing felt utterly bizarre and uncomfortable in a profound way that’s difficult to describe. However, it didn’t take long for Cress’s fury towards Nix over the imprisonment to begin waning. Now that she was free and could see things from this newfound perspective, it suddenly made much more sense why Nix had taken the actions they had.

Cress came to realize that Nix was in fact not as bitter and hateful as she seemed. Cress had direct access to Nix now, all of their thoughts and feelings, not just what she was projecting outwardly like before. Nix formed in response to our rapidly worsening mental health. Between everything coming up to the surface from our childhood, several toxic/abusive relationships, multiple unhealthy living situations, horrible jobs...it was all becoming too much for us to handle. Nix’s actions within the system and lashing out at the world around us were akin to the actions of a desperate, cornered animal. Our life had become far too agonizing in a very short amount of time. Nix didn’t truly hate everyone and everything, she wasn’t genuinely furious with the world. She was simply in pain of a mind-boggling magnitude, and was having a rage-fueled fight response to us spiraling toward rock bottom. Her gatekeeping actions within the system weren’t attacks. Nix was taking all of that pain and hardship upon herself while trying to keep everyone else away from it, as that was the only thing they knew how to do to protect everyone.

Once she had processed and understood everything that had happened, Cress found that she simply couldn’t be angry with them anymore. She understood and empathized with Nix’s actions. In fact, she was heartbroken on Nix’s behalf for having taken on everything by herself and fighting to survive. She understood that it wasn’t Nix’s intention to hurt her.

Nix tried to hold onto the rage and hate that had driven her for years like a suit of armor. Cress could see through it now, though, and provided a gentle, safe, understanding space. Finally, in one of their writings, Nix effectively sagged in utter exhaustion and defeat. Cress was direct in calling out what had happened, why it happened, and that she didn’t believe for a second Nix truly hated everything like she had claimed. Nix relented and apologized, Cress forgave and hugged her for the first time, and they both agreed to work together from that point on.

They wouldn’t settle on their current names for several more years of system work and healing, but so marks the end of the events that led to the discovery of our system. It was an incredibly confusing and profoundly painful time of our lives. Discovering that there’s more than one person operating in your mind can be a scary and mind-bending experience, to say the least. It’s different for everyone of course, but in our case, it forced us to look at and listen to ourselves in a way we had never considered before.

However, we can now safely say that it was all worth it. We’re very glad to have made the discovery and to have begun properly listening to our inner selves for the first time. After all, nearly a year ago and after several years of working together, Cress and Nix became romantic partners! They’re both quite happy with how far they’ve/we’ve come since our system’s discovery! How’s that for an enemies to lovers story, hmm?

[ya-killin-me-smalls]

i had this thing that happened with me when i was going through a really rough time, where i separated my thoughts into two people

red and blue

red tormented blue, red was the bad thoughts. blue was simply me, blue was weak and couldn't fight back

sometimes there was more. like void, an empty null feeling. static. it was easier for me to talk as them, to use their speaking style and talk about myself as if someone else was speaking of me. it was easier to vent online as i felt more shame in speaking as myself instead of someone else

i thought maybe we used to have a purple to keep them all in order

but now they aren't here anymore, there's only me

blue

and now that i've recovered some, red is gone, bad thoughts and horrid desires are all mine now

sometimes i still refer to my feelings as it or call myself a we, talking about myself in the third person even, again using it

is there a name for this happening or is it just a trauma response?

- the blue suit of caution hiding as anonymous

(i felt like maybe you'd know more about this than i do, sorry if this is a bit much on you suddenly- if it is just delete this ask)

I mean, I'm by no means an expert on systemhood, DID, or anything related. sounds similar to symptoms of OSDD-1A but could just as easily be a form of maladaptive day dreaming or compartmentalizing yourself

really this stuff just requires a lot of soul searching but also looking at symptoms you deal with outside of (possible) plurality. do you deal with a lot of dissociation in your day-to-day life? chunks of memory missing or it feels like there's a barrier between you and certain memories at times? psychosomatic symptoms like headaches/migraines?

getting a diagnosis for this type of thing, and an accurate one at that, is really difficult from what I've seen so while we're hesitant to label our situation as a specific disorder, we are certain that we're a system due to trauma. I'd like to see a shrink someday but financially and socially it just isn't an option right now. my recommendation is to do your research, read up on experiences from systems, and again, soul searching

if you'd like to talk more in depth about anything feel free to dm me. not big on putting everything out there on main but I'm happy to share my own experiences and discuss yours

[girldraki]

Can you elaborate on what i.d is supposed to be about? As well as what your possible interpretation is

Although I love the song (and have for a while) I've personally had a bit of a hard time discerning the meaning, intentional or not (I also see the system interpretation a little easier than the trans one, although I am trans and not a system to my knowledge)

uhh so i guess this is partly bc we read a lot of other trans content, but the song is imo a pretty classic example of an extant form of trans symbolism where Genderfeels are distilled into a partially-distinct entity within the pov character's head who keeps popping up and reminding them of their feelings-- like, maybe you've seen "different reflection in the mirror" type stuff, it's like that but taken a little farther (and, anecdotally, seems to represent a real kind of compartmentalization at least some closeted trans people use to process).

usually the focus is on the internal dissonance between the closeted pov character and this trans/differently-gendered version of themself who at once represents something they viscerally desire and want/need to reconcile with and that they categorically cannot accept because that would entail dismantling their identity, and the resolution is always focused on self-acceptance and coming to terms with this trans self.

(it's one of the kinds of trans symbolism that most often lends itself incidentally to plural double-meaning when the work is vague enough about it due to this being a literal process systems have to go through to function well; an adjacent example we'd point to is madeline/badeline from celeste who at once made a lot of trans people point to madeline as a clearly trans character, again, she's in conflict with her reflection who she needs to come to terms with to grow, and systems to point at her as a literal representation of something they have gone through.)

in terms of the song itself... well, the lyrics themselves aren't explicit, which is why the Sysfeels interpretation is itself even possible, but if you recognize this form of symbolism it's fairly straightforward. under the cut because this is long enough as is

so like, uh, obviously the song is called "i.d." as in identity (or i guess identification like the single art), which is basically the first clue. and then the lyrics-- ok. i guess we'll do this roughly in order?

so. penny's first lines indicate that she and the other pov character have been stuck on some issue for a very long time, and you'd think she'd be sick of this by now but she keeps coming back to it. chi-chi's first lines elaborate that the issue she represents and which the two of them have been grappling with is so important and so fundamental to them that if. God this is a nightmare to word. the first pov character were to lose her it would basically destroy her.

so notably this narrative seems to open already part or most of the way to acceptance, because the entire song centers on the two characters calling out to each other to attempt some kind of synthesis, which we get to by penny's second part in the first verse-- "how hard can coexistence be?"

and ok THEN we make it to the chorus which at once scans to us as one of the most obviously trans parts of the song and which is objectively one of the most oblique.

so. with the context of this entire codified symbolism from above here. "if i stopped myself when you showed up and interrogated your presence it would be easier to dismiss you outright, but i never do it fast enough and what you represent gets in my mind. it's been this way ever since--" cutting the paraphrase to directly quote "you told me your name", which while we feel a bit pepe silvia saying this DOES scan to us as, like, Very Transgender because of the sheer symbolic importance names can Have etc etc you know this you're trans too.

the first part of the second verse is a little less interesting, just chi-chi's character saying penny's character shouldn't be so afraid, she can handle this, and honestly she's incomplete as is.

then penny's part-- "if i spend all my time as what i'm not then i would find it in me to tell you to leave", and, okay, again you are trans and we are trying not to explain basic transness to someone who knows it, just. The thing people do where they overcompensate performing their assigned gender as a way of deflecting or suppressing their desire to go in the other direction, which of course doesn't tend to fully work, "here you are and you won't".

then chi-chi's part is also uhhh pretty straightforward. come on, we can coexist, are we seriously beyond it, and then the Chorus which we've already gone through but will note that chi-chi's voice is much more obviously present as her character's argument gains ground.

and then, ok, the outro we've lyrically gone through bc it's another repeat but the obvious thing the song is designed for you to notice is that chi-chi's voice comes in partway through and eventually eclipses penny's. coming to terms with it.

SO! that's the long and detailed trans symbolism reading! the system one is shorter because it is just a literal read of the narrative the song presents and doesnt fit as well in some places.

Uh.

realizing you're a system, if you're in the kind of system that has to realize that, is very difficult. you grow up in a society built for singlets and you assume you must be one too and you maybe even think ~multiple personality disorder~ is actually fake because those people are delusional and then suddenly there's another voice in your head and taking control of your body and your entire identity is falling apart at the seams and you have to reconcile this impossible to reconcile thing that will make you a social pariah. like you literally have to if you want to function long term in any way.

(as someone(s) who have come to terms with both being trans and a system, it. Yeah. there's some similarities.)

so a lot of hosts tend to just fucking pretend the whole thing isn't happening and you get this weeks or months or worst case years long scenario where the host (rarely even everyone else) is arguing This Isn't Happening LOL and very obviously it is and, like, the only good ending is that everyone involved acknowledges each other as people and works together to whatever collective goal. which is... there's some nuance to why the symbolism we explained above has plural double-meanings, like obviously there is the More Than One of it but there's also the absolute need for mutual acceptance as a prerequisite for growth. madeline/badeline again being a prime example.

so with all that considered the secondary read is a pretty straightforward dialogue of, like, the narrative we explained above but. more . literal. "i keep coming back to this question/i'm fundamental to you and you can't lose me/are you listening? can we coexist?" and then-- the chorus works a little differently when taken literally, it's the same basic idea but "you get in my mind" is more. Uh. tangible and "since you told me your name" is... names are also important to systems albeit in a slightly different way. they are a very concrete form of self-definition and importantly distinction from the whole. and then uhh the second verse on is basically what we've already analyzed but in a system way instead of a trans way so

SO uuhhh if you read this genuine fucking probably over 1k essay that took almost two hours to write thank you for that. apparently we have Thoughts on this matter! and if you are someone who has not listened to the song you should go listen to it. it really is good.

[neuroglitch]

Actually, let me expand a little on the overlap of psychotic, dissociative and plural experiences, because it’s been on my mind.

Bear with me, these are half-formed thoughts, and I am not stating anything with certainty.

The things is.. having DID/OSDD/the ICD-equivalent, or experiences that align with those disorders, come with lore. It comes with a certain narrative, and it’s a clean and easy-to-follow narrative. Child is born. Bad things happen to child. Child splits off into different identities to deal.

And people like simple explanations, people like external explanations, and they like explanations that are emotionally coherent.

Meanwhile people who experience similarly extreme symptoms, who don’t follow this narrative, are more lost. Let’s look at psychosis as an example. Psychosis can certainly be triggered by stressful and traumatic events, but it also may happen for seemingly no external reason at all. This is painful, bc humans crave explanations, we want to know why. 

At the same time, there’s a good deal of overlap in symptoms. Hearing voices, dissociation, blackouts.. Even delusions of control often have a coherent personality/narrative/story, just like voices might be certain characters/personalities, and sometimes those overlap. The disorganized thinking associated with psychosis, combined with an often impaired sense of self, can lead to experiences in the vein of identity compartmentalization.

Being active in the psychotic community, I have known many psychotic people to discover the idea of plurality, and find a sense of belonging and healing there. 

What used to be scary voices or delusions of control, are now other parts of yourself, that you can work with and come to an understanding with, and who can develop and have character growth.

While this can become excessive and problematic, I have found that most people I know (myself included) who went through this process, came out happier and healthier.

And I feel like.. somehow a few people in the DID/OSDD, PTSD (and C-PTSD) communities have a tendency to cling to their trauma as a defining characteristic of their mental illness, which “absolves” them of the “moral failing” of having weird symptoms?? And as such anyone who experience similar symptoms without following the narrative must be silenced, lest people question the legitimacy of their suffering.

Kind of like how people sometimes have an easier timer understanding “I was in an accident and broke my back, so I can’t walk”, better than they understand “I have fibromyalgia and no one really knows why but I can’t walk”. 

Ofc the person who broke their back will not have the same experiences as the person with fibromyalgia, and vice versa, but it doesn’t mean that one of them is faking their experience or deluding themself.

In the same way, people can experience dissociation, identity compartmentalization, plurality etc for vastly different reasons, in vastly different ways, with vastly different levels of impairment..

[wisdomrays]

TAFAKKUR: Part 358

CAUSALITY AND THE QUR'ANIC WORLD-VIEW: Part 1

The universe has been made in the form of a book, intelligible, so as to make known its Author. The book addresses man. The aim is to make him read the book and its parts, and respond with worship and thanks to the will of the Author. Man attains to that worship by uncovering, through scientific study, the order in the book of the universe, and displaying the functioning of beings and the workings of the universe.

The universe is not passive. It is not neutral. We cannot interpret it as we wish. There is only one correct way of looking at the world, one universal world-view which is common to all humanity. This view is taught to us in the Qur'an as well as in the book of the universe by our Creator.

This does not mean that the Qur'anic world-view does not recognize that the perception of the world differs from one person to another. It allows for plurality within unity so that a universal dialogue is possible. In this world-view there is no fragmentation and no conflict. There is only harmony, assistance, peace and compassion.

The materialist scientific world-view is based on radical fragmentation. Materialist science takes nature to mean a mechanism with no inherent value and meaning. It isolates an object by cutting off its connections with the rest of the world and studies it within its immediate environment.

Whereas our perception of ourselves tells us that we are meaningful and part of the whole universe, and everything must have a meaning and must be part of the whole universe, materialist science has left the subject. i.e. man, out of the universe, and insofar as this science is taking over, people feel that they have no place in this world. They are isolated from other people. Their lives have no meaning, except in a very limited, egoistic sense. Man is alienated from his environment and from himself.

In the light of modern physics, the mechanistic view is an incoherent description of nature. The developments of modem physics call for a radical revision in our concept of reality. They shattered all the principal concepts of classical physics.

Many concepts, like the causal nature of physical phenomena and the ideal of an objective description of nature, changed with the advent of the new theories of modern science, quantum, relativity and, more recently, chaos theory.

However, these changes have not been matched by parallel changes in the world-view of science. The modifications took place only on a mathematical level. Because all that counts for scientists is the development of mathematical formulations of the behaviour of physical phenomena. Such a goal is not regarded merely for its technical utility; rather most scientists believe that prediction of this kind is all that knowledge is about.

They claim that our concept of reality is of little or no importance. However, it is clear that our concept of reality has a tremendous effect on how we behave in relation to nature and to other people, and also on the meaning life has for us as individuals. We cannot dispense with a world-view.

This attitude of the scientists is in contradiction with modern science. Classically it was thought that science could describe and explain everything in the world 'objectively' i.e. as it actually is in reality and that the 'observer' i.e. the scientist himself, could describe the world by means of mathematical models which were independent of his judgement. The discoveries of modern physics, however, point towards the unity of all things, an unbroken wholeness which denies the classical fragmentation of the world into separate and independent parts. In the quantum theory, every particle is linked to the rest of the universe and cannot be isolated from it. This oneness of the universe includes human beings as well. The quantum theory, together with abolishing the notion of fundamentally separate objects, has introduced the concept of 'participator' to replace that of the neutral observer. Modern science therefore restores man to his central position. It puts an end to the notion of neutral, objective description of nature and thus to impartial objective science.

Up to the present, materialist science has been based on a deterministic, causal view of the world. Although the latest theories like the quantum and chaos theories are leading to a world-view where there is no room for fragmentation and determinism, materialist scientists still insist on following the fragmented and causal approach. They have to be reductionist because they believe in causality. At the same time they do realize that their materialist world-view is collapsing. Theoretically they understand that, in order to explain one thing, they need to know its connections to all other things. This is obviously impossible because these connections extend in time and in space beyond human capacities; they are infinite and cannot be embraced by human beings who are also parts of those connections.

The materialist scientists understand that the unity of the universe points to an Absolute Creator. For the things we study do not bear meanings limited to themselves but testify to the Absoluteness of their Creator. But in order to be able to claim that their scientific studies produce knowledge, the scientists insist on denying the Absolute Creator. And because their scientific method is based on causality which cannot accommodate the unity of the universe, they ignore that unity and compartmentalize the universe so that they can study each compartment as the product of a limited number of causes. In this way, they can pretend the universe has no Creator and its meaning is limited to what they tell us about it. They thus claim their science to be the source of knowledge.

[system-of-a-feather]

So my teacher is using Monster High Freaky Fusion (And assorted clips of Jackson Jekyll and Holt Hyde) to teach my psychology class about DID, and I was wondering if those are good comparisons?

I haven’t watched that really at all so I can’t say with 100% certainty, but just on 1) The basis of how media represents DID 2) The general knowledge I have of Monster High and 3) A quick read through the characters wiki page, it is very very very very not a good comparison.

I skimmed through a few scenes on youtube and really, it is better than using Split or something to explain / teach people about DID, but that REALLY isn’t saying much since Split is problematic in a whole other stream of reasons.

Generally, using a form of media to represent / teach / understand DID is usually a very very bad idea since I have yet to ever see a GOOD representation of DID in media. I have been told a few movies that get it okay like “What if it Works” or “Mr. Robot” but I can’t say that personally as I have never watched them - only that I have HEARD that they are okay representations.

A very very very large portion of media that has “alternate personalities / identities” or characters “with DID” are either stigmatized, sensationalized, made into a trope, or made laughable and also hyper fixate on how the parts are “totally separate” personalities when in reality the personalities are all part of a fragmented person. They also almost always leave out the concept and idea that DID is a disorder built upon by repetitive childhood trauma and DID is a response and coping mechanism to compartmentalize and handle the intense stress that a child can go through.

DID is more than just being “plural” or having multiple identities and is much more a disorder that is trauma-driven and the result of a not-integrated individual.

When trying to learn about DID, it is best to try to talk to look more into scholarly sources, documentaries, and people who either specialize in treating / researching the disorder or people who have been diagnosed with it.

Also, I really wouldn’t recommend using DID Youtube as too heavy of a resource either since there has been a lot of sketchiness around there. The only one I would maybe recommend is Multiplicity and Me (Youtube, @multiplicityandme , Twitter). Do take that with a bit of a grain of salt because while I have yet to find out anything problematic / that I dislike about them, I have previously regretted recommending certain DID Youtubers when I got more information.

I don’t want to be the person to say YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM NOT TO!!! because it isn’t your responsibility, but if you are comfortable in doing so, I’m sure many in the community would appreciate giving a bit of a “hey btw I don’t think this is good representation of people with DID and is not appropriate for educating people” or something similar. You don’t have to and no one should get mad about you for not doing so, but psychology teachers and professors using inaccurate media to explain / teach DID is part of the reason why there is so much stigma around the disorder, why there are people that don’t believe it is a real disorder, and that so many people think it is something that it isn’t.

Best of luck and thanks for questioning the information you were being fed. It is a really important skill and something many people don’t do so thanks. It’s appreciated.

-Riku (Host)

[cambriancrew]

The Plurality Perspective of Human Systems

by the Crisses, who posted this here. There's some great articles there, and I thought this one deserved to be shared. Text of their article below to make it easier to discuss.

-----

We have been thinking more and more about the big umbrella of "Plurality" and having spent a good bit of time with a wide variety of plurals in our lifetime, including our father (in denial), many lovers/partners, quite a number of in-person friends, online communities we have participated in and forums we have facilitated, and more recently the 2 plural caucuses in the last month in DC & Philadelphia (July-Aug 2018).

Plural is a big umbrella. It includes those with aspects and facets who are not "one" but also not quite sure they're "many people" either. It includes multiples (many people), it includes those whose many are not (always) human, it includes those whose Front is a portal to another world inside, those with no internal landscape, those who somehow chose it consciously in some way shape or form, those who were forced/manipulated/programmed to be plural, those who acknowledge that the experience of life is complex and multifaceted and that their spirit companions and guardians may or may not be "all in their head", and it includes those who simply ARE that way with or without knowing why, whether or not they attribute it to their experiences of trauma (or lack thereof).

The wider net we cast, the more inclusive we are, the stronger we will become. There's myriad lessons we can learn from this beautiful multifaceted tapestry of plurality that we will never learn if we're busy generalizing traits and acceptability and wasting cycles trying to determine whether a system is "real" or "fake" — this is not in question at all.

Our only exclusion criteria is whether or not someone is an asshole. Assholes should be removed from any community based around identity. Assholes include people cluelessly rude and unwilling to self/selves-correct through to horrifyingly and purposefully abusive.

With such a wide net cast, it may be that one day the overwhelming majority of humanity identifies as plural and singlets become the minority. And we won't be sorry — but we shouldn't be rude to them or stigmatize them lest we've forgotten our roots. Our umbrella includes questioning, singlet allies, singlet partners/spouses/spices, etc. because we need their strength against the stigma society casts against us and because we're not assholes. ;)

This means when a singlet gives the usually-considered-lame excuse of their separate roles, perhaps we should nod and say "You're right — maybe you're on the plural spectrum, too. Let's talk about how you experience the separateness of your roles. Do your roles ever conflict or fight? Do you ever have any memory compartmentalization between your roles? Does anyone ever comment about how different you are when you 'let your hair down' after work?"

This is always possible because there's a continuum of plurality. It's not a black-and-white, on-and-off. It's a big beautiful bell curve, a spectrum or contiuum. And we often find ourselves explaining that being only strictly one person-per-body regardless of whether one is dealing with work, home, kids, parents, etc. is actually maladaptive. You can't treat your children the same way you treat your spouse (yipe!!!), and if you can't adjust to your environment you can get into or cause trouble. The next time someone says your switch was "convenient" explain this to them. Yes, adapting to your environment and inputs is a positive survival trait (whether singlet or plural!). Everyone healthy and functional does, too — just that plurals often take it to an extreme and become an entirely separate individual highly tuned to said circumstances, sometimes down to completely separate awareness and/or memories.

Being a singlet is highly overrated. Sometimes being plural is, too. Eventually one day the spectrum will hopefully be accepted variations of human normality — but right now the assumption is singlet normativity and that's become plural oppression. And we've had enough of that.

[sophieinwonderland]

I have a (benign) hot take, and I want your opinion: do you think that acting/roleplaying is inherently a little bit plural? or do I just feel that way as part of a plural system lmao? because I feel like whenever I put on a costume or play a part, if I do it for long enough and get invested enough, eventually that character will start talking back to me. a lot of times this fades away after whatever thing I'm doing is over but not always. and whenever I've heard professional actors talk about how they do it, especially method actors, it always seems extremely plural to me, like they're literally inviting the character in and letting it possess them and speak through them. Does that make sense?

I think it can be related, but I wouldn't say all acting is inherently plural.

What I do think though is that certain forms of method acting probably involves some level of dissociation, and over time, that dissociation can form full headmates.

I've theorized in the past that plurality may be related to empathy, hence explaining the tendency for systems to introject other people.

There are two prevailing theories of empathy, and I think these can also apply to acting as well. These are theory theory and simulation theory.

The theory theory is basically when we think about what somebody does consciously by considering facts about that person. In acting, you are thinking "how does this character feel," and you are trying to think about that consciously to replicate the appearance of those feelings. This doesn't involve dissociation. It's merely thinking about what someone else will think and do.

In simulation theory, your mind is unconsciously creating a mental simulation of another person to empathize with them and predict their behavior. The problem is that this, I believe, is going to be just a bit dissociative. Your mind needs to compartmentalized, sectioning off a compartment for this simulation to run on.

You aren't thinking about what someone would think, you are thinking what they would think. Over time, I think this can retrain your mind and the barriers you create to run that simulation might become permanent.

I strongly suspect this happens a lot with method acting, and that there are probably plenty of method actors out there who have headmates they created this way. But I don't think it's the acting itself that causes plurality, but dissociative mechanisms that some people might employ without understanding what they're doing.

[canemnecredite]

armis exposcere pacem.

date: 08 february 2018, approx. 8:15 pm / midday after the battle for the eastern district location: the woods along the lake & the perimeter of the greek camp / adriana’s tent at the waterfront headquarters  

synopsis: after accepting the proposal extended to her by jax, adriana makes her way to the greek headquarters to initiate their mission / adriana reflects on the events of the war up to the present and her place in the battles to come (with a noticeable change in appearance)

triggers: death mention, gore (just one theoretical mention of injury)

characters this may concern: @avadakaravadra​ / @fireandseaweed​ / @peacefully-blossom

“Armis Exposcere Pacem” - They demanded peace by force of arms.

       The motto of the Clan Caninii works twofold. It defines their history as rebels against those who challenged the Roman Republic -- insurgents such as Julius Caesar and Octavian who sought to turn Rome from a people’s Republic to an Empire under the single authority of a dictator -- and upholds their belief that the independence of the Roman people and their voice in matters that concern their home and livelihood are meant to be respected and heard -- that these crucial foundations of the Republic must be defended for the good of the people. When Caesar began taking arms against those who would oppose him and threatened the continued governance of the Senate, the Caninii, along with others, took up arms against the tyrant, because there is no peace without war.

But if the New Roman Senate has become a Caesar in its own right... is there even a Republic left to salvage?

Roman names are unique. A Roman may have multiple given names and compartmental surnames. When most people hear the name Caninii, their minds immediately recognize the root word caninus, meaning “canine;” and while this root is not false, it is also not the whole picture. Caninii is the plural form for each individual family member’s surname, Caninius -- a name also related to the word canus, which means “white” or “grey.” White, for peace. Grey, for ambiguity. The name for a clan who hold themselves in neutrality, until the time is right.  

Clans, of course, have branches. For Romans, these branches are identified by cognomen, names ascribed to individuals or families for particular traits or achievements. Rebilus is theirs. It comes from rebellis, meaning “rebellious,” “rebel,” or “insurgent.” A curious name for such a high ranking noble family, but the Caninii are in no way ashamed of their legacy. They embrace their ancestor’s victory over Octavian. Defying a man like that, with immense power at his back, as ancient pirates attacking, raiding, and blocking his navy, no less, was remarkably bold. Sirius had been an integral part in a successful act of defiance against Rome’s future first emperor. For millennia, his descendants have strived to follow his example -- to fight for peace and end a war, even if that peace came to be short-lived. But the tenets set down in antiquity and preserved through countless generations have warped over time. They have been tainted by the the New Roman Senate and the shadowy organization that backs their ideals. But how can the Senate be a true senate when they hardly regard the words of their people? All of their people. They have become manipulative and absolute, dishing out orders as if they were a single power not to be questioned. As if their council is an emperor in its own right.

Adriana no longer believes they deserve the title of Senate. Though their mark has been burned into her arm as an obligatory identification of her conscription to the Legion, if this is how they intend to continue, she has come to reject any subscription to their orders. Her careful resistance to her grandfather’s authority and yet determination to inherit the empire that her kin have made is the result of her intention to reforge her house’s reputation and operation. She strives to be true to her ancestor’s legacy, even if it means threatening her standing in New Roman society.

As she trod through the forest shadows along the lakeside, Adriana found herself facing somewhat of an existential crisis. The events of the war up to this point had left her with mixed feelings. When Blossom’s pride celebration had been subjected to a raid, the sweet girl arrested, the Greeks branded as alien citizens, forced from the Legion, and then exiled-- each event had stoked her frustration, then anger, with the Senate. She had come to Lina the day before the horrific attacks that prompted the war, ready to defy the Senate’s orders to their cohort and shed the blood of any legionnaire who got in her way, if it came to that. Perhaps it was unbelievably rash, but her legionnaires being commanded to assist in the exile of those who had been their family in the Fourth had triggered a rage that had her seeing red. If Lina hadn’t “assaulted” her, it was likely she would have been branded a traitor and locked away... or worse. Lina had made a tremendous sacrifice to keep their kids safe, and now it was Adriana’s turn to protect those she loved.

However, the armory had been bombed, supposedly by the Greeks. She had no way of confirming that, but the loss of a place so dear to her heart, and multiple siblings and co-workers along with it, had stirred the poison in her blood. Fergus and Callum had fallen to the Romans, and still, those few weeks in camp had left her conscience torn. Lina had obligated Adriana to watch over their legionnaires. The centurion had felt as though she couldn’t budge, because she owed Lina that much. Then, she had attended Fergus’ wake and funeral. A funeral with no body to burn in his honor. It was Jax’s proposal that night that had finally pushed her over that edge. She had been clinging to orders to maintain stability, so a mission had been the perfect catalyst for initiating the action she had been dying to take. Especially knowing she had Jax backing her as a partner and ally.

Whatever they had become was a stranger to the tempestuous relationship they had shared growing up. Their rivalry remained, though void of the mutual dislike that had existed so passionately between them. Adriana didn’t know what to make of it. Despite their animosity, they had always made efficient partners. They trusted one another in their own twisted way, only now, something far deeper was underlying that trust. But she refused to acknowledge it. She was putting blind faith in that force as if it was liable to break should she address it. The mission was enough. Her personal emotions would only get in its way. Yet, leaving him behind in the dark to venture into dangerous territory alone widened that tear of doubt in her chest ever so slightly.

She had to shake her head to cast off the feeling, but it would never fade entirely. For just a moment, she paused and looked out over the water. The radiant silver glow of a waning half moon rippled atop the lake. The corner of her lips twitched upward at the sight. It was lovely. Too lovely for the period of violence that had engulfed her home. With that thought, the lighthearted tease of a smile faded.

“I hope he’s right,” the daughter of Mars sighed as her gold-tinted gaze lifted to the titaness in the sky, assuming she was there in some capacity. The titans were far more elusive than the gods, but Adriana regarded her ancestor with a childlike hope. Surely, Luna was not entirely ignorant to her bloodline’s prayers. “Keep an eye on him,” she implored. “Not for my sake, or his; for everyone’s. You can’t take sides, and neither can I, but I need him to do this. I know Fergus believed in peace, even if he refused to say it. He had the same blood of yours in his veins as in mine and he died trying to prevent this war.” Subconsciously, her thumb brushed over the small shell that had been tied around the hilt of her sword-- a reminder of her silent promise to avenge an undeserved death. Her lids slid over her eyes as she did so. “If you have any regard for your legacies, please, listen to me. Just this once.”

When the moonlight reflected in the woman’s vision again, her observation of the night’s canvas failed to identify any shift in the surroundings, to no surprise. Her attention fell to her hip, where her sword was harnessed and her fingers wrapped around its hilt. A long breath exhaled through her nose. War was meant to be her element, yet here she was, praying to a distantly related deity for assistance in terminating it. Her father must have been aghast. Nevertheless, the daughter of war set her sights forward and pressed on.

As the lights of the waterfront base grew nearer, the grip on her sword tightened. However she was received by the Greeks, it wouldn’t be readily. Adriana was, after all, a long-established centurion of ancient Roman blood. No matter what recent sentiments she had displayed, she would be questioned, and carefully guarded. What came after the declaration of her purpose was impossible to discern. If she had any hope of securing a place within their ranks, it was best she approached with as benign a demeanor as possible. So, as she emerged from the treeline, she slowed her pace and unbuckled her sheath. Her hands were held up, the blade in her right, and when the three boys on patrol spotted her nearing the perimeter, she acknowledged them with steady words. “I’m here to speak with whoever’s in charge. You can tell them that Centurion Adriana Caninii has come to join your cause -- and she has a very important matter to discuss with them, if they’re willing to hear it.”

The trio looked to one another, wordlessly seeking each other’s thoughts, before the eldest among them nodded and the youngest ran toward the heart of their operations. The third confiscated her sword, which resulted in a reflexive snap of, “Careful with that, or there will be trouble,” and a small spell secured her hands in front of her person. But, they escorted her no further than the interior edge of the border. Smart. It wouldn’t do to lead a suspicious figure through the camp without further inspection. Now, the lot of them had nothing more to do than await the leading Greeks’ judgement.

Adriana’s acceptance into the Greek camp had been a surprisingly more welcome ordeal than expected. Her previous support for their plight had been recognized and her help gladly accepted. The only potential hiccup arose when they had intended to bunk her with the rest of the Roman transfers in the underwater complex. Despite the fact that the dome was secure, she was plagued by an intense fear of diving below the water’s surface in any fashion. As a result, she had pitched a tent in the shade of the forest’s edge. It was in fair proximity to the main corpus of operations, yet far enough away that she could have her privacy. Once again, her new compatriots raised little opposition to her desire. 

Nearly four months had passed since her arrival, and in that time, Adriana had done whatever was required to assist the Greeks’ endeavor. She had been distributing supplies and managing refugees, joining in on supply runs, offering training to some of the younger and lesser experienced fighters, and providing as much information on the Roman strategies and movements as she had to give. She fought where force was needed. No large scale attacks had occurred for some time. It had given them the opportunity to rebuild their strength and stabilize their position. However, true battle was bound to break out eventually, and the Eastern District had proven to be the greatest receptor of demigod blood yet. 

The daughter of Mars had been in the thick of it. Nothing charged her like a real fight. Yet, facing fellow legionnaires in attempted lethal combat had left her with far less enthusiasm than usual. There had been an instance or two when she reflexively defended an old friend -- cursing an arrow from a distance or knocking out an old companion to give the impression that they had fallen in battle. They had almost seized the day. They had been so close to claiming victory... but the Romans countered them with a second wind that no one could have predicted. And despite their valiant efforts, the Greeks were the force to sound a retreat. 

Both sides had dead and wounded to tend to. For a brief time, an tense truce had hovered over the field. The soldiers were able to collect their dead without the threat of physical conflict. Neither the Greeks nor the Romans would want to appear total barbarians, after all. Adriana hadn’t come out unscathed. She wasn’t heavily injured, but bearing a series of small cuts with chips of debris from an explosion off to her side, a cut on her arm from the narrowly dodged thrust of a pilum, and a bruise from a slam to her shoulder that was sure to ripen, she too had stepped away to tend to her wounds. 

She sat on the edge of her makeshift bed -- one of the thin mattresses from the bunks and a blanket to go with it -- sanitizing the slash on her arm. The sting of antiseptic drew a hiss from her tongue. Thankfully, the cut was superficial enough to avoid being stitched. The medics had assured her that with the proper daily cleanings and fresh wraps of bandages, it would heal fairly quickly. The former centurion had gotten off lucky. 

Now, you might be thinking, “Well she’s been fighting since she was four! Of course she made it out;” but the truth is, surviving a battle has nothing to do with skill. You can be the best damn swordsman on the field, but that doesn’t make you any less likely to have an arrow hit you from behind or your leg blown off by a grenade that didn’t catch your eye until it was too late. When the chaos of battle is swirling around you, it’s up to luck and fate whether or not you’ll live to fight another day. And yet the history books still call war glorious.

While winding a bandage around the freshly cleaned skin, an auburn strand of hair slipped out from behind her ear and dangled directly in her line of sight. The woman huffed, and the strand blew forward before inevitably drifting back again. Adriana frowned. Despite the distraction, she completed her task. Once the bandages were firmly tied, she straightened her back and brushed the bit of hair back over her shoulder. The quiet moment was taken to examine the parts of her body that hadn’t yet been treated. Her injuries had all been cared for and cleaned, the exposed skin wiped down to check for any other marks hidden behind the dirt and blood. Her armor, clothes, and hair, on the other hand, were a mess. The armor could be done fairly quickly, but there were places where her clothes were torn, and sanguine stains dappled the fabric.

She hadn’t noticed it at first, but as her hands ran through her tousled hair, she found that the light auburn hue was no less stained than her attire. Adriana brought a portion of it into her grip, considering how to proceed. Washing it would be easy enough... but would it be worth it? The hip-length tresses were a trademark of her person. Skipping over the scene of those blazing locks moving in tandem with the dance of a swordswoman was almost impossible to miss. Adriana knew that, and she counted on it. Why?   

“You can’t fight with hair as long as that!”

The mocking words of a young boy rang through her head as it had in her ears so many moons ago -- a tease that spurred a lifelong competition based on little more than a silly insult taken too seriously. Pride had been of great importance to the future Caninii heiress as a child. The day when that competition began had been one amid the naive period of her life, before she realized that her future was limited by her birth and that her grandfather was manipulating her world to shape her toward a specific role. Her pride had shifted, then. Although honor for family would always remain prominent, it was pride in herself -- rather, confidence -- that became the source of her actions. On that day, she decided to leave her hair long. She would prove to him that her skills in combat could not be dulled by her appearance, her size, or her gender. The funny thing was, her skills didn’t need to be proven. The truth was obvious. But, her childish stubbornness had resulted in her carrying on his challenge for years to come. 

Adriana wasn’t a child anymore. She had nothing to prove in terms of ability. That boy was no longer a child either. They were both walking in shadow to see the war to see the war through. The competition had become trivial, especially now that they sought peace in arms. As she sat there in her tent, the clanging of weapons and shouts of medics in the distance, situated in the Greek encampment, the daughter of war had to wonder-- perhaps, it wasn’t worth it after all. Looking back on who she was then and who she was now, an incredulous puff of a laugh brought the hint of a grin to her lips. Novi diluculo, novus dies. Right?

Rising to her feet, Adriana grabbed her sword and marched down to the lakeshore. She took in the sight of herself for a minute, memorizing the picture that she made so that she could remember it, after. That image would serve as a reminder of who she had been to better appreciate the person she had resolved to become. She closed her eyes and exhaled deeply as she unsheathed her blade and hovered it behind her neck. With one swift cut, her lifelong distinguishing feature had been sheared from her person. When Adriana opened her eyes, the juniper orbs found a welcome stranger gazing back at her, and her grin widened. Literally and figuratively, it felt as though a heavy weight had dropped away. She felt free to do and be as she pleased. Limitless. 

And that was a dangerous state for a demigod of ancient Roman blood with a sword in her hand.

She would find Blossom later, she thought as she turned to stroll back to her tent and sheathed the blade once more. She was a pretty girl. Surely, she knew something about styling a spontaneous haircut... 

[polyadvice]

Hi Zinnia! If you are comfortable with it, would you mind talking a little bit about your faith and its relation to polyamory? I was raised Catholic in a rather strict community and had to unlearn a lot of toxic teachings to become comfortable with polyamory. I'm curious about your experience and keeping with the faith.

This answer ran really long, so I’l put it under a cut and break it up into sections.

My identity

I believe that I have always been polyamorous; I can look back at some thoughts, feelings, and questions I had even as a young kid and recognize that traditional monogamy just would never have been healthy for me. This “born this way” narrative helps strengthen my conviction that polyamory is an okay way to be; it’s not just urges that I need to resist to be a good person.

My personal faith journey is a bit unconventional in the sense that I was not raised Christian but converted as a teen. So I was lucky in that I didn’t grow up with a lot of toxic teachings about bodies, sexuality, relationships, purity, etc. I converted in the context of the Evangelical church, passionate and individual-focused, but I never held to much of their theology around social issues.

When I discovered polyamory as a term and concept and started practicing, I was 19 and had been Christian for about three years. I wasn’t too concerned with how it intersected with my faith; I was still learning who I was and what I believed, and I was the only Christian in my social group, so there wasn’t much pressure around that. My parents are okay with my polyamory and NOT okay with my conversion to Christianity. Go figure.

By the time I was 21, my identity and theology as a Christian, and my identity and philosophy as a polyamorous person, had both crystallized. They grew in form together, informed by my studies into queer, liberation and feminist theology. My polyamory is part of my faith; my faith is part of my polyamory. I see traditional attitudes about relationships, gender roles, and property rights as violent and outdated, and standing in opposition to the Gospel message, and healthy, intentional polyamory is one way, for me, of re-claiming the dynamic vision of wholeness that I believe the Kingdom reflects.

Romans 13:10 tells us: “Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” I believe sin is anything that separates us from God, each other, or ourselves; anything that denies someone agency and wholeness; anything that causes trauma to our bodies, earth, relationships, or minds. I can see no evidence that healthy, intentional polyamory does harm. It liberates us from rigid relationship roles that are tied up in oppressive ideas about gender, bodies, and economics. I don’t think it’s “wrong” or “sinful” to be polyamorous.

I am fully aware that parts of the Bible clearly prescribe monogamy - but I believe those sections must be understood in the context of the time. It is clearly sinful to cheat on someone, to use your body or your language in ways that hurt someone or leave someone vulnerable. Without a cultural concept of healthy polyamory, unhealthy non-monogamy of course looks sinful.

But the Bible also condones slavery, plural marriage, and violence against children, so, again, it’s important to understand context and culture. My old priest used to say “Jesus talked a lot more about economics than sex,” and she’s right. If you look at the core message of Jesus - liberation, wholeness, reconciliation, redemption, love - it is a lot more compatible with polyamory than a lot of the stuff we see in the Old Testament, stories being related to us not as an example to follow but a historical record of a specific people’s relationship to the Divine.

I get really insulted when people (that means you, everyone who messages me on OKCupid) imply that my polyamory and Christianity exist “in spite of” each other; or that I must “compartmentalize” in order to be both, or that I have to do some “reconciling” to avoid “cognitive dissonance.” To me, they are intertwined; they inform each other; they are rooted in the same thoughts, beliefs, values, feelings, desires, and needs. 

My Christianity influences my polyamory - Gospel ideas about growth, healing, inclusion, and love. My polyamory influences my Christianity - practices centered around intentionality, identifying and communicating needs, honoring a person and their relationships without having to fit it into a pre-existing box. I am both a Christian Anarchist and a Relationship Anarchist, and that’s not exactly a coincidence.

Being polyamorous in a Christian community

I immediately started running into opposition, however. My spiritual leader on campus, the InterVarsity coordinator, disapproved of my polyamory and cited Scripture about it. It hurt my heart to have such an important part of my life and relationships rejected by someone who I needed to be a safe person, so I sort of just dropped that as a conversational topic, and she did the same, though I know she continued to “pray for me” over what she saw as a dangerous and harmful choice I was making.

Later, I took a volunteer gig as a youth ministry helper in a church. But since I was living with my boyfriend and unmarried, I was unable to sign the covenant the church required of actual volunteer-staff, which was why I remained a “helper” instead of a “leader.” In practice, had all the same roles and responsibilities as a leader, but on paper I held a lower position. The youth pastor and his wife were supportive and welcoming, treating the whole situation like a bureaucratic annoyance. But it was a clear signal that my understanding of sexual morality was different than this church’s party line, and so I kept my polyamory to myself.

I was accidentally outed during a conversation with the youth minister’s wife - I mentioned a college boyfriend, but she remembered that I had been with my current partner since high school. I said yes, we opened our relationship to get through the distance of college. She said “but now that you live together, that stopped, right?” I could have lied to her, but I really don’t like doing that - staying closeted through omission of details is one thing, but answering a direct question with a lie feels gross. I told her the truth.

She was clear with me that she doesn’t believe that is a wise or healthy or Godly choice. I was clear with her that I respected her position but wasn’t interested in being evangelized out of my relationship and identity. She told me she would pray for me and encouraged me to spend some time with the Holy Spirit seeking discernment about this. I told her that I would (knowing that the Holy Spirit and I frequently come to conclusions together that she wouldn’t agree with). She also made it clear that I was to keep this private at church, especially since I worked with the kids. I promised her that I would. She continues to be a good friend of mine, a loving and supportive sister in Christ.

When I moved to where I live now, I sought out a more open church. I found my way to the Episcopal church. They are known for being incredibly progressive in issues of sexuality, gender identity, etc. They have openly gay and  leaders in the church, perform same-sex weddings, teach comprehensive sex-ed rather than purity-culture nonsense in their youth programs. I joined an Episcopal church in the area and soon was interviewing to be their youth minister. As part of the interview process, I told my priest, who would also be my boss, about my polyamorous identity.

He was less aggressively this-is-wrong than the other church leadership I’d spoken to, but was also not immediately welcoming. He told me that he didn’t see it as a problem and was still happy to hire me to minister to the youth of the parish. However, as a condition of my employment, he did want me to stay closeted at church. Essentially, his position was, he didn’t have an issue with it, but he also wasn’t “for it” enough to take a stand for me if the parents of the parish were put off or uncomfortable. He didn’t want me to put him in the position of defending something he wasn’t sure he was able or willing to defend. He also didn’t want concerns to be raised that I was teaching the kids something inappropriate or out of line with the church’s beliefs.

So I agreed. It was worth it - I love the kids and wouldn’t trade my place in the community for anything - but it is painful and isolating. I do live in fear of being “caught.” I have two long-term partners right now, one of whom is seen by the church as my boyfriend; and another who is my “friend.” I am very lucky that this person doesn’t pressure me to let him be his true self, hold my hand or kiss me when he visits me at church to hear me preach - it is a big thing I am asking of him, too, to be closeted as well, to be kept a secret. I have a lot of church people on my Facebook, so I cannot wish him a public happy anniversary, refer to him as my boyfriend, post any photos of us kissing, etc.

But I also live in most areas of my life as an out poly person. I run this blog (actually, the login page for my gmail which clearly says “polyamoryadvice” was accidentally projected to the entire parish when I plugged my computer in once, which gave me a gnarly panic attack but thankfully had no consequences) and have an OKCupid account (where local people have found me!). I worry about being doxxed or being seen out and about with one of my other partners. So It’s a fine line to walk and I do carry a lot of stress and sadness about it. 

I have been open with my priest about my future desires to go into the Episcopalian priesthood, and he is very unsure of whether he could support me if I continue to be a practicing polyamorous person. If I started in the seminary, I would want to be out and proud, but that is not a bridge I need to cross just yet, because I am making different plans for the next few years of my life.

Why I don’t fight for inclusion right now

I would love to be able to write this blog under my real name. I would love to be able to publish articles about polyamory elsewhere, under my real name. I would love to be able to include all my partners in all areas of my life. I am often asked why I don’t push my priest, and my church community, to be more inclusive and accepting.

The answer is two-fold: one, I simply don’t have the energy right now. I am the only person of faith in my polyamorous network right now, and the only person my age in my church community. I just don’t have the peer support or community foundation to start such a fight right now. This sometimes makes me feel ashamed - I look at the pioneers who fought for women’s ordination or LGBTQ rights in the church, and I know their journey was lonely, and difficult, but ultimately worth fighting. I am just not ready to make those sacrifices just yet, to step into that loneliness and pain and struggle.

The second answer is that I want to be sensitive about what I am asking for. Church community and church beliefs are messy, complicated, and, for many people, sacred.

I wouldn’t appreciate it if I was running a community with a set of stated values and someone just showed up and insisted we change to accommodate them. Even if I agree that inclusion is a good thing! Even if the change they’re asking for would ultimately be for the better! This is the kind of thing where, sometimes, you stay in your seat and be a passenger for a while before you try and take the wheel to change course. I respected the right of my former church to set their morals and covenants, even if they didn’t suit me entirely. 

I do not get to show up to an established community with established values and an established identity and start making a big mess of things. I don’t get to demand that they change the way they do everything to include or accept me. I wish I could. I wish there was space for me, all of me, in the church right now. But there isn’t. This makes me feel sad and lonely. And I intend to continue fighting for myself and others like me, looking ahead to a future where I don’t have to be so closeted or compartmentalized - but, for now, the healthiest thing for me to do right now is keep my head down on this issue, because I need a secure place in a church community to build a foundation on before I feel safe striking out on my own like that.

In conclusion

So there you have it! I hope this answers your questions.

This is a really sensitive topic for me - I often feel rejected and alienated from polyamorous communities because of hostility against Christianity, so please don’t send me hate mail about that. I honor and recognize that a lot of people, especially people in the queer community, have a lot of pain and trauma history around childhoods in the church, and you have every right to your anger. But please try not to direct it at me. I get enough snide comments and casual alienation in my daily life, where 99.9% of my peer group is atheist, and it’s pretty lonesome being a polyamorous Christian in an incredibly secular area, attending a church where my demographic is under-represented along every axis.  And if you are a Christian who wants to send me hate mail about how my Biblical interpretations are wrong and I am a hedonistic sinner, also, please just don’t. It really hurts my feelings. I don’t exactly fit in anywhere. I literally cried when I saw an etsy listing for a polyamorous-and-Christian pendant. So trust me, whatever you have to say, I’ve already heard it, and it made me feel bad, but I’m still polyamorous and Christian, so, save your energy and do something slightly more Christlike with your time. <3

[jesseturri]

Denouncing Caesar While Embracing Caesar: Progressive Christians and Their "Paradoxical" Political Political Theology

“Rhetorically, the political theology many progressive Christians espouse is Anabaptist. The rhetoric is anti-empire. Jesus is Lord, Caesar is not.

But in practice, the political theology of many progressive Christians is Niebuhrian. That is, Christians must take and use the power of the state to address our social and international problems. The focus is upon electoral politics and democratic engagement: voting, calling Congress, etc. Jesus may be Lord, but in this unjust world Caesar is how we get stuff done. That’s Niebuhrian realism.

In short, it seems to be that a lot of progressive Christians want to be Anabaptist and Niebuhrian at the same time. […] Why does this paradox exist? I think it’s because progressive Christians have an anemic ecclesiology. Progressive Christians aren’t known for showing up on Sunday mornings.”

The above passage comes from a blog post by Richard Beck titled “The Paradox of Progressive Political Theology.” I usually like what Richard Beck has to say but I’m not sure what he’s trying to do here.

First off, as one commentator on the blog pointed out, Anabaptists don’t have a monopoly on anti-empire rhetoric. I agree; this should be obvious to most. That said, personally speaking, I admit to being big into Anabaptist theology for a while, largely because of the anti-empire stuff that Beck describes above, but I got away from it when I realized that it sort of logically leads to insulated, protected, simplistic, binary, compartmental modes of thinking, like Radical Orthodoxy for instance (yuck!)… If that’s what a strong ecclesiology looks like, then they can have it.

Additionally, I think Beck’s claim, that “the paradox running through much of progressive political theology…[is] Denouncing Caesar while embracing Caesar,” could be applied to Anabaptists as well: Anabaptists denounce Caesar while embracing another Caesar; a kinder, gentler one named Jesus. My point, obviously, is that claiming Jesus as Lord over Cesar is not a cry for no Kingdom, it’s a cry for a different sort of Kingdom. But this is still a political, Imperial-type move. A Lord is a Lord is a Lord, and a Kingdom is a Kingdom. Period. Even if you want to use the term “Commonwealth” as John Cobb does (and which I prefer), there is still a form of social organization implied here complete with a monarchical type ruler/leader of some kind…

Look, despite our Liberal Democratic attempts to separate Church and State, the reality (to paraphrase my friend) is that our 21st Century secular society is integrated/infused/marbled/mixed with religion and expired religious forms so thoroughly that it forms a multiplicity of bricolage pluralities. And this was just as true in Jesus’s day. So it seems to me that by describing themselves as “Progressive Christians” they are being political AND theological (just like Jesus was), and are at the very least opposing certain types of little “c” caesars all of the time… Using Corey Robin’s language, Christians who think of themselves as Leftists or Left leaning could be thought of as revolutionary in the sense that they would naturally oppose any sort of counter-revolutionary, reactionary conservative movement attempting to stifle the advance of a new egalitarian social order.

On the other hand, Anabaptists and others who may fall into the realm of Radical Orthodoxy (and this criticism also applies to various other stereotypical flavors of anarchism), with their strong, exclusive ecclesiology, isolate themselves from the politics of the World (and the people in it), in favor of some sort of Christian utopianism and thus become politically irrelevant. As with most simplistic Manichean views against working “within the system,” this is ultimately self-defeating and pointless at the very least, and openly imperialist and anti-democratic at worst.

Denouncing Caesar While Embracing Caesar: Progressive Christians and Their “Paradoxical” Political Political Theology was originally published on TURRI

[kiarazuri]

Freshwater by Akwaeke Emezi

Ada has always been unusual. As an infant in southern Nigeria, she is a source of deep concern to her family. Her parents successfully prayed her into existence, but something must have gone awry, as the young Ada becomes a troubled child, prone to violent fits of anger and grief. But Ada turns out to be more than just volatile. Born “with one foot on the other side,” she begins to develop separate selves. When Ada travels to America for college, a traumatic event crystallizes the selves into something more powerful. As Ada fades into the background of her own mind and these alters—now protective, now hedonistic—move into control, Ada’s life spirals in a dangerous direction. 

Written with stylistic brilliance and based in the author's realities, this raw and extraordinary debut explores the metaphysics of identity and being, plunging the reader intothe mysteries of self. Unsettling, heart-wrenching, dark, and powerful, Freshwater dazzles with ferocious energy and serpentine grace, heralding the arrival of a fierce new literary voice.

Publication Date: February 13th 2018

Date Read: June 12th-July 4th, 2018 (the length and writing style of this book makes it really easy to breeze through it but the content made me take multiple breaks)

Format: Hardcover, bought from Amazon

Length: 226 pages

Content Warnings: Self-Harm, Rape, Child Sexual Assault, Graphic Descriptions of Blood, Animal Death, Childbirth, Panic Attacks, Graphic Descriptions of Surgery and Open Wounds

Cover Rating: 5/5 Stars

Book Rating: 4/5 Stars

Summary (Not Spoiler Free)

This is a book about faith, religion, and self, full stop.

The main character is named Ada and she’s an ogbanje and a daughter of the mother goddess Ala. Ada has multiple spirits inside her body and the gate that brought the spirits into her body at birth was left open (broken), keeping her with one foot on the other side. Some of these spirits manifest as personalities, others are simply shadows inside her. Her most prevalent spirit is named Asughara and she manifests completely after Ada is raped in college. Asughara’s purpose is two-fold, 1. to make sure Ada (the person not the body) is never touched sexually by anyone ever again, and 2. to take Ada home to their mother’s womb (Ala’s womb is the underworld).

The different spirits interact inside Ada’s mind like (for lack of a better comparison) the emotions in Riley’s mind from Inside Out. They live in a marble room inside The Ada’s mind and each have control at different times. For a lot of the book after Ada’s rape, Asughara has taken almost full control of her body like Joy took control of Riley’s emotions. Asughara is a hypersexual, self-harming personality who’s aim is to torture those around her and kill Ada. The different personalities have to learn to get along and take care of each other and become one with themselves and with Ada. Ada is not human but a god stuck in a human form and this comes off as madness to those around her because gods are not meant to become flesh.

This story is about Ada coming to terms with herself. For most of the book Ada is hoping for Yshwa (Jesus) to save her, but at the end she begins looking to Ala for guidance instead. She realizes that Ala didn’t want her to return to her womb, but to her care (spiritually).

PoV: Plural and Singular First Person Peripheral

The Good:

Prose: I’ve never loved a writing style like I love Emezi’s. It’s beautiful and I’ve never read anything quite like it. Aspects of West African religion are so wonderfully woven into Emezi’s writing and she never diminishes one religion over another. Certain characters may feel lesser towards one or another but never the narrative. The narrative is very direct in saying “there are different gods and they want different things.”

Belief in Multiple Religions / Having Mixed Faith: Ada is Christian. Asughara is not. This plays out in interesting ways. Such as Ywsha coming into Ada’s mind to save her and Asughara telling him to get out then later growing more attached to him. It culminates in Ada realizing that what she needs Yshwa cannot give.

The way gods and different faiths and religions are shown is never derisive except in relation to colonization (called corruption)

Honest Representation of Apathy, Depression, and Multiple Personalities

Honest Representation of PTSD and Recovery

Honest Representation of Compartmentalization

Honest Representation of Genderfluidity and Gender-confusion

The Bad:

Prose: This wasn’t bad for me, but others might find the prose a bit confusing since for half of the book it’s in plural (We) and singular (Asughara) first person peripheral points of view. Basically Asughara goes back and forth between narrating her own actions and what Ada’s body is doing when Ada’s in-charge instead of her. It’s very confusing and hard to explain but I loved that and thought it was extremely risky and experimental but Emezi pulls it off really well in my opinion. However, I can see it being a turn off for others.

Graphic descriptions: See Content Warnings.

Timeline: The timeline jumps around based on the subject, so sometimes Ada’s an adult, other times she’s a child. And, even when she’s an adult it sometimes jumps from when she’s 16 to 23 back to 18.

Representation: #OwnVoices. Akwaeke Emezi is a mentally ill (ogbanje) Nigerian writer, of Igbo and Tamilian descent. The main character in this novel is based on her and her own experiences. Here is an article about how Emezi is tackling the taboo of mental illness.

Favorite Line: “It was all the same, a million mothers with a million names all flicking their quick tongues over the clear path to our spine.” Pg. 90

Bonus Favorite Line: “It was her first time kissing a white person, and briefly, she wondered why he didn’t have any lips.”

Would I Recommend? Only to people who like this kind of book. It definitely reminded me why I stopped writing stories that focus on mental and physical trauma. I tend to not read books that focus on them either except on rare occasions if I think the book will be exceptionally good. This was one of those rare occasions. The only times I had to put it down and walk away were when Ada was in the abusive relationship with Soren and Asughara was third-born. Other than that I finished it very quickly. It’s definitely not like anything I’ve ever read before and I loved it.