#but nope cant do that either
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I am seated at the base of the mountain or whatever this oversized hill is classified as in a small room with thin walls, ooooooooold windows, right next to a church AND they removed the fridge previously instated in every room
lovely
i get to climb 15mins every morning for training that if it had gone unnoticed for 2 more months i’d never have to absolve anyway (: 6hours away from home (: in a small like...town with like 1 general store AND work saturday as well when i’ll come back friday around 10pm (:
yeah i’m pretty annoyed actually <3
#txts#look i know castle rooming isnt a given#but in this case it rly only isnt bc this training is meant for trainees#and trainees stay at the base of the mountaint bc usually their classes are also at the base#and not a near vertical walk up shithill mountain#bc we just had to take this place bc we're suuuuch a special company bla bla idk idc#also the food was shit this evening#and bc there is no fridge i cant even like#keep food near#otherwise i'd have brought some toast and sausage so i can have breakfast#w/out needing to get up half an hour early only to eat premade breakfast which i dont like anyway#bc i am picky#but nope cant do that either#i'll just not eat in the mornings then#not the first time#i do have toast prepped from today and meant for tomorrow#i might try and seperate that some#or buy like jerky even tho i am not a fan of the texture#or apple sauce or SMTH i know i am fine w/ eating#but i hate communal breakfast stuff#i already am not hunrgy and i am not willing to leave my bed and e ready for the day yet fuck you
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People who say "Batman was better without his kids" must really like the whole ELEVEN issues that Bruce had before Dick was introduced because that's the only time he didn't have a kid. Bruce Wayne/Batman was introduced in ’Detective Comics' #27 and Dick Grayson's Robin was introduced in 'Detective Comics’ #38. Dick was around before Alfred existed, if we can have Alfred why can we have the Robins?
#comics#dc comics#robin#tim drake#batman#bruce wayne#dick grayson#red robin#jason todd#nightwing#alfred pennyworth#before robin? BEFORE ROBIN? you mean those 9 detective comic issues? there is no before robin. robin was always there. get over it#go read the Punisher or something because thats what you want not Batman#but batcave what about alt worlds or re boots. nope they said before he has gis kids and his kid was introduced nine issues after him#AND IVE READ DETECTIVE COMICS BATMAN! they wouldn't like him either he was a good guy. he made jokes. he rode down banister. he was free#edit: i cant do math its eleven not nine issues
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the no spoiler rule in later ace attorney games is stupid because it never followed up on the gavin brothers, thalassa gramarye, locked beloved characters in the basement never to be seen again, etc etc etc but the missed potential that i havent been able to stop thinking about is that the phantom should have been callisto yew from investigations.
like. an assassin/spy from a foreign government? murdering the parent of a weird little girl and then framing said weird little girl for murder seven years later? who is a genius at disguising themselves as other people and worming their way into investigations?
like just change some stuff about the psychology profile of the phantom. like instead of having no readable emotion they force themselves to experience extreme emotions when putting on a front. like giggling uncontrollably. the way callisto yew does. idk it's not a very hard fix the opportunity was RIGHT there but they couldn't do that because theyre not allowed to acknowledge the investigations games existed ever.
#shut up pandora#ace attorney#ace attorney investigations#aai#callisto yew#dual destinies#the phantom#maybe that specific change is awkward but either way callisto yew could and SHOULD have been the phantom with very minor changes#ppl have escaped from jail before in ace attorney so why cant she#dual destinies was even directed by the same guy as the investigations games#if you wanna see what that guy can do when hes allowed to reference previous games look at aai2 objectively the best game in the franchise#but nope hes not allowed to acknowledge any of the past characters#like callisto yew im just more sad about the missed potential than anything#but goddamn fucking hell can you please have klavier do more things than just flirting with apollo in the next time#and please for the love of god i want to see franziska again
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reading a medical document about indications for hospitalisation for anorexia and realising i hit multiple of the suggested criteria aaaaaaa
#certainly the blood pressure and heart rate stuff last week falls into that category but bc it dropped just enough my doctor was okay w it#but ig if its like that this week Well#Hm#anyway.#tw ed#my parents i think are somewhat scared because this is the worst theyve seen me#like im refusing SO much bc i cant handle it and i feel so awful#personal#prayer request#ig??? if you would#prayers that the medical team choose the best things for to happen for me ig#like i would describe it as uncontrollable at this point it no longer feels like a choice#like sooner and sooner lately i run into a wall that is just a big NOPE#not even 'i will eat this and feel horribly guilty' but 'i Cannot Eat This'#ive been getting more actively distressed about eating as well#i dont even understand why im hitting the medical indications either like ive been havingpretty close to recomended intake i think#idk whats happening and i am losing control#( <- chronic not acute sense)#(do not worry for me in the immediate short-term)
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sometimes I think about writing and singing music not because I’m an incredible singer but because no one has my fucking voice, especially in popular music, and its disheartening to be born a girl, told you’ll only get girl roles or try to voice match other girls, or ‘sing with the girls’ and then only be able to match male voices because you’re a fuckin tenor and not anything higher. I can’t think of any girl Broadway roles I can hit all the notes on. Most songs I love I have to pitch down for myself or use falsetto for singing along to. It bothers me a lot less now because I’m an adult who’s more secure in myself but as a teen in kids musical theatre it FUCKED with me, BAD style. And I know for a fact that even now when I hear people with a voice like mine singing I get excited and immediately invested in their work because they’re like ME, finally, for once. A brother in this world of being afab and having the voice of a recently pubescent boy forever. Maybe I should be that brother too.
#Using randomly gendered words because that’s me now but hey#Regardless of if you were born afab and are a girl 100% or if you were born afab and are someone else#It STILL sucks to always be grouped along with ‘girls’ just because of your voice and realize#You CANT hit that. You can’t hit the mark for ‘girl’. You’ll never achieve that without like. Hrt#Just say THE VOCAL CLASS. Like. Sopranos sing with this. Tenors with this. Bass with this. Etc#Then it doesn’t hurt! But nooo instead they’re looking or ‘sing with the other girls’ and you fucking can’t#And it gives you a crisis at age 14#Anyway all I know is when other people who were assigned female at birth and aren’t on something they changes ones voice#and just happen to have born with the same deep ass voice as me. It makes me proud to hear them use it#Because not enough people do. It’s like we’re all collectively embarrassed or something#I see so many sad posts from teenagers posting their dream roles and the reason they won’t get it is ‘girl’#and it’s like. I remember being that kid. Never able to get a female lead because of my voice. Never able to get a male lead because of gir#Even though my voice and appearance could easily swing male. Nope! You’re GIRL. So you’re doomed to background forever :)#I got 1 lead role and it was when I was at my most feminine and was also for a villain that was a fat hag#I LOOOOVED playing her im aunt sponge forever. BUT. Never getting one again after that… showed me. Something#More gender blind casting and more songs just written for tenors please#doing just ONE of those things would probably solve the issue#But both please because I’m greedy and I want what I couldn’t have for every kid today#(And also me in the future in adult community theatre. Haven’t had time/too intimidated so far but I WILL go back)#And before anyone questions the language on this post. I STRUGGLED with how to word it#TERFs begone. I love trans people. I am nonbinary and some form of intersex (pcos).#I just word it this way because of like. Where we all start#Whether we stay GIRL girls or realize we’re somewhere in between. It crushes us either way to have the ‘wrong’ voice to do anything#Because it did me at first. And I’m otherwise GLAD to be confusing#I’ve come to love my deep voice it baffles others and they never know what to call me it really helps the whole ‘what am I’ presentation#But. In terms of certain things. Like being in theatre in the deep south#It certainly does not help and can be disheartening#Especially back when I was younger and more self conscious#lion’s lair
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anyway yeah relevant to that post abt being deaf/hoh and ppl excluding u from conversation bc of it (even unintentionally), that's smth that's been really deeply bothering me lately bc there are a few ppl I routinely have to deal with who do it a lot and it Pisses Me The Fuck Off I've lost all patience w them. giving up and calling it ableism and walking out idc anymore 🚶♂️
#theres a guy at work whos incredibly annoying for it but tbh hes bad at his job in general anyway n everyones annoyed at him all the time#so at least i get some solidarity from my other coworkers (who are generally rly accommodating of my deafness)#i dunno how he hasnt got the memo ive explained im deaf so he needs to face me n make sure he has my attention n enunciate multiple times#but nope still not getting thru to him! so half the time if he starts mumbling i just pointedly ignore him until he either speaks more#clearly or goes away lmao#and same with a friend of a friend im sure hes a nice guy and everyone else seems to like him n hes in our main discord server so i cant#avoid him as easily and ive been so tolerant of it but hes worn thru my patience entirely and idc abt trying to be nice anymore#if he comes on call and starts mumbling and sidelining me from the conversation i just put him on mute im not dealing with that anymore#i dont fucking care if its petty and rude to do that. im tired of trying to understand him and dealing with how left out he makes me feel#i hope he picks up on the hostility n feels unwanted so maybe then he'll understand what its like for me and fix his behaviour 👍#bc i have no other way of communicating that with him anymore. since I CANT FUCKING HEAR HIM!!!!!#he also has a lot of other annoying behaviour which is fine but this is my limit its so disrespectful and outside of my control#make space for my disability or go away forever#not sure if we could even be friends if he did change now bc hes soured my impression of him so much by this point.#sad! well theres other guys#im glad everyone ive met at climbing so far has been pretty good abt it. really not that hard to do!#anyway rant over lol. at least the guy at work is only on a temp contract so only have to deal w him for a few more months#unfortunately since the rest of that group is friends w this other guy he'll prolly be around longer. but oh well lmao#just crossing my fingers he'll drift away n never open discord again so ill never have to deal w his shitty crackly mic mumbling#or maybe he'll stop fucking calling from whatever wind tunnel hes in and properly join in on our movie nights instead!!!!!#it is sad bc i think he has similar music taste to me. there are def some things we have in common that could form a basis for friendship#but hes gone n ruined it innit#aaaanyway oops started complaining again... the bitch grind never ends#im gonna shower n go back to elden ringing it.... fare thee well#.diaries
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can i be so honest. every critique ive read of nope so far has been very lacking
#myposts#genuinely it seems like the only way people feel comfortable with interacting w this film is through the lens of 'spectacle bad'#without ever really defining what 'spectacle' means for the record!#it often takes of these contradictory meanings even in the same sentences which makes the whole thing feel worse bc like#i dont think YOU know what YOURE talking about#and the same w how the movie talks about race#earnestly if the only thing u think it has to say about race is like. people of color are either excluded from or tokenized in hollywood#then ur going to have to square that w ur critique that spectacle is bad end of sentence#is it the characters saving grace that they are exempted from an exploitative industry or should that industry be exploiting them??#bc if ur saying hollywood is bad bc excluding ppl of color + spectacle exploitation u seem to be implying that we should want#people of color to be spectacized and tokenized. and i dont think most people making those statements would agree w that#i genuinely think its the fault of this overreliance on the word spectacle as the thing that holds it together#which sucks actually bc i havent even seen people super digging into the word itself and how fascinating its usage as the bad miracle is#idk. i think theres more to the movie--way more--than just the sin of looking#witnessing and understanding through the look is so significant and so good in it. it is OJ looking at emerald him Seeing her#that gives jean jacket its name. its recognization#we learn to be less afraid of the monster when we understand it--when we see it--and know it doesnt want to be looked at#do you see what i mean?#and thats aside from how it complicates the black horror narrative itself--how it highlights desperation induced by poverty#induced by racism and racially justified disregard as legitimate problems that cant be solved by galacybraining 'nopeing' out#they try to leave--and try to Not Look to abandon the spectacle as spectacle based critique says is the main concept of the movie#and thats not possible. it doesnt work. they go back and going back necessitates looking and engaging w spectacle#like literally the answer is not as simple as 'to spectacalize is Wrong' bc the victorious endstate of the movie#is for these characters to reclaim the history of spectacle theyre denied by disenfranchisement. she takes the frame by frame pictures#their names are attached to it forever and cant be forgotten as the jockey is. how can you square that?? honestly#idk. just watching this yt video where some white woman is talking about how nope is about and only about the entertainment industry#its just not the whole picture
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today i snapped & have reached a point that i needed to move the kitchen knives To the kitchen instead of storing them in my room w me 😭😭
#diary#i literally was like ok ! so we’re taking another pill today !#ALSJALSKALSKLAJSLAJSALJDLASKA#like NOPE ! we’re not going down this road girlypoo xx#LMFAOOOOOOOO#thank god i’m seeing my dr when i get back home in like 2.5week#we r getting that dowse FORMALLY INCREASED#bc we cant keep going at this rate 😭😭😭#over the past 9 weeks i’ve literally had 3oz of bud 😭😭😭#like girl … this isn’t sustainable ….#but i feel better now that i’m on the 150mg lol#like deadass i slept until 3p/4 then started crying bc i had to be alive#like it’s either go get locked up or increase ‼️#i hate insurance so much oh my god#i think i’ll do 2x75mg every other day instead of the 1 i think i’ll be able to make it work#this is my first test today of the 150 total bc i mean venlafaxine has a mad short half life so maybe i’ll be able to be stable on 150 every#other like here’s hoping bc i’ve so much shit to do like#literally it’s like every moment i’m sober it’s like just ‘how can i kill myself’ & the intrusive thoughts like girl i was washing dishes#& was like ok so we can Use This like no cut that out u rat#but here we are#We Move ‼️
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i tried an energy drink today to see if it would do anything and. well. it didn't. it made me fucking tired is all. and now i'm mad that i'm tired, bc i have a paper to do and i STILL CAN'T FOCUS ENOUGH TO DO IT
#screams cries rends clothes etc#like. jokes aside i need to write this goddamn paper. its not due Soon but it has to be started bc im working this week and the next#and i know that fucks w my ability to do school work real bad#i was kind of hoping the caffeine either wouldnt do anything or would actually make it easier to focus. nope. just tired#levi.txt#just. i only have 2wks left to school. this is my only paper#its ALWAYS a struggle to do things at the end of the semester anyway but this worries me#bc while this semester has been rough bc im so off my game#im just. terrified for next semester. when im taking 4 english courses at once#i dont know how im gonna do it. im petrified ill go and nuke my gpa bc all that work is gonna be nigh impossible to manage#i dont know why i let myself get talked into doing honours i am not good enough at school to do honours like this#not that im not smart enough! i think i am!#but i cannot focus enough to do this. and i cant get any help
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#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i#understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom#i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking#4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am#and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself#i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies#in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still#not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight#or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week#because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of#knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and#i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally#Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead#then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just#i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i#want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk#that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.
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I'm not in any fucking mailing lists seems like so they better not act like it's my fault for not knowing something
#supposed to do a survey and i was like oh i guess they send the link when youre booked. nope i was supposed to get it last month.#they had the gall to ask if its in my deleted folder. i have checked bestie#im also not getting these weekly update videos either lmao#and i dont have access to the survey system. my manager did not respond to my email 😑#not bothered because its really the higher ups problem that i cant access it and i tried to get it sorted. i dont need these to do my job#nails.txt
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Why is trying to be a decent student and taking care od myself so hard. I literally had to get up to make myself a sandwich bc my inner grandma was saying "'go eat u need to eat ur brain needs the food"
#papuka rambles#the good thing about not being middle school me is that i cant purposely skip a meal bc the hunger pain im like#nope oof cant do it#not like i was able to b4 tbh it was felt more manageable back then#and i did it bc i either dint have lunch or just got sick of what my mom packed#i need to fight middle school me#and 5th grade me
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you ever just
#duck rants about something#hoooooo man. why did all my motivation and ability to create go out the window as soon as i finished that valk piece#i cant draw. i dont know what to draw i knew what i had to draw but i cant. put it on canvas#cant go in an art block now of all times theres less than one month and a half until finals and i need some sort of portfolio put together#by then and. i am Still exhausted i thought !! it was getting better but nope i am still incredibly fatigued by Everything#and to make matters worse its thursday tomorrow meaning the classes i dislike the most i just want to lie down for 10 years maybe i dont kn#maybe pursuing art as a career was a bad idea. maybe im not fit for this but im already over a year into this art school and i dont want to#waste the money my family's put into letting me go to this school#and i absolutely love it here the teachers are nice and my classmates are cool and i made friends for the first time in years#but god if i havent been in the worst headspace of my life this past year.#well this year was going a bit too well for me in terms of art i had a steady pace of imrpoving and trying out new things but now its just#i cant do anything. no matter what i doodle or sketch or just let my hand do whatever nothings coming out and it terrifies me#maybe im being dramatic! i know someone would say im being just that#god i dont want to go to class tomorrow either im not in the mood for a religious lecture but ive already skipped the past two weeks#keep it up any more than that and itll probably result in a call to my parents#my parents are probably gonna call me later tonight anyways. should get it together til then#maybe i need a nap. maybe i need to go outside and take a walk and look at a bug. maybe i just need to go out in a field and scream#auhgh but i need to draw i need to make Something i cant halfass something the way i did last semester and barely pass#and now im getting dizzy just typing this out thanks brain#ill probably delete this later i just really need to. hhghghhhgh please let me draw. please let me make something or anything at all#i dont know what id have if it isnt art.#ive always been mediocre at everything in my life the only thing giving me peace of mind is drawing#if thats all im good for then what even use am i without it#and sure! maybe im actually not that good at it! maybe my artstyle is uninspired and boring maybe im just wasting my time!!!#but i still love it immensely i love making my silly characters i love drawing out my dumb stories i love just.#making things and being okay at it. maybe. am i actually good at this probably not. maybe im also mediocre at this and just kidding myself#sorry for being emotional on a wednesday. must be the curse#anyways
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just went to put a postcard in the box (english words are overrated i cannot remember whatsit called) and it's late and i just got out of my shoes and it's like across the street so i decided fuck it, no shoes then. random guy, high as a kite comes up looks at my bare feet and goes all what i'm thinking walking around like that in his city, i think that's okay in HIS city???
like???? i just walked away no comment and he walked off a different direction and i made sure he wouldn't like. see where exactly i went but fuck man that was unsettling
#a biscuit's rambles#nothing happened except a scare bc larger high guy looking for a fight is NOT nice#and me without my boots and spikes and even just some of the outfit for confidence#will it stop me from walking around barefoot if its just down the street for a really quick reason? nope. unlikely#will i feel mildly uncomfortable for a while and not leave at night without proper boots for emergency kicks? yeah probably#even if its just a two minute trip to that box literally across the street#weird dude tho. i cant say ive seen too many people who live here but#im very sure ive never seen this guy around and hes in that weird age group usually not found here#idk. very weird. i hope his high either crashes very soon or he knocks himself out#either way. get sober man. youve got better things to do than pick a fight with a random barefoot teen#and develop superiority/power complexes about a town
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oh wait my workou schedule is thrown off now
#cant exercise tonight bc then my hair would get greasy and wont have time in the morning to wash it#cant do cardio tomorrow bc i usually do so half an hour after finishing breakfast but ill be out most of the day probably#and only tub that works is in parents' room which they go to bed early so i cant just work out and shower at night either#sighs.. i wanted to keep this regular and scheduled to have some sort of structure back in my life#i was wondering how this would work if/when i got a job too like. im trying to exercise regularly not to lose weight but to be healthy#for the first time in my life too. ugh how frustrating#well brother has his own shower too but im not going in there lol nope
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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