#but its a compulsion i cant control

[orionsangel86]

I know i dont tend to go here anymore, but it seems today is a day for j2 fallout truthing on main.

Is it a bit catty? A bit spiteful? Yes. Yes it is. But i dont care.

You try going 7 years getting hate and abuse from deranged j2 fangirls and bronlies and wincesties who build their entire sad little lives around the friendship and secret relationship of two mediocre cw actor men all because you happen to ship one of em (the better one)'s character with another character and THEN experience the glory of a messy public fallout between them and YOU try to not feel a bit gleeful everytime that awkward public fallout is once again proved true.

Its fun okay? I dgaf about the tall one, he's an actual abusive piece of shit who deserves all the mockery he gets. The other one is hilarious cos he has serious winchester derangement syndrome for his own character. If I wanna laugh at them on my own little tumblr blog I will.

If you follow me for anything non spn (in which case sorry for all the times I turn back into a spn blog, its sadly a lifelong incurable disease) please just blacklist #j2 fallout to avoid any of this nonsense.

[orcelito]

Keeping the bandaid over my eyebrow to make sure it can scab up nice and good and stay safe from the terrible, terrible fingers

Need to figure out a way to protect my nose, next

[skitskatdacat63]

I wish I didn't feel horrific levels of insecurity/inferiority/jealousy/fomo/ego/etc etc about literally everything 24/7. I don't think I let it affect how I interact with people, but it's just this sickeningly insufferable feeling in my chest

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[meme-loving-stuck]

the hardest part about having an addictive personality is like. you KNOW you can try to discipline yourself or just keep facing the consequences of the bad thing until you finally steel yourself and say 'no. no more bad thing. because it makes me feel bad'

like you KNOW youre capable of doing it. everyone is. and youve done it... maybe once? twice?

but for you, that resolve to finally stop and recover is locked behind a door that everyone SWEARS has a key and you just need to discipline yourself to find it. but you have disciplined yourself and you have tried everything and your fucking door doesnt have a key. it just doesnt. so you can hardly remember a time when you got to just... say no. and unlock the door

and you know that at SOME rare points in your life you have had something so catastrophically bad happen related to the addiction (usually involving hospitalization or something equally serious) that you broke the fucking locked door down and finally stopped. so you know it CAN be open and you CAN see the other side of that door.

it's just way fucking harder when the key to yours doesnt exist.

[see-y0u-space-c0wb0y]

how many times do you have to obsessively think about killing yourself (like daily) after having a breakdown over cake and how shitty your parents are before you get put in a psych ward or diagnosed with some shit?

[majesticcowboy]

IDK who even keeps up with me or this blog to a personal point anymore but just an update bc I don't over share here anymore. I've been spending my time investing into real life. My life has moved literal hundreds of miles. I've met my soulmate. She brought with her a son and for me the gift of fatherhood. I've been blessed. I've built many many other beautiful relationships full of love, respect and admiration and I've built the skills to do it easily wherever I go. My life is full of adventure and travel to a degree more than it was. I've built skills and become twice the man I used to be. Kinda just hope like someone who has known me on here reads this and is like "hey good for him, I remember how he was an inch away from giving up but never did. I'm proud of him."

[fairwinds-safetravels]

.

[mellohd]

EMH Marble Hornets AU!!

ok i know im not creative when it comes to aus but i thought itd be interesting to tell the story of MH through EMH’s story? IF YOU GUYS HAVE THOUGHTS OR QUESTIONS PLS LEAVE SOME IN MY INBOX!!! :-]( or even questions for the MH!EMH characters heh)1

Basically its just marble hornets told through EMH, for example instead of “tapes i found” story telling theyd open a youtube channel for tips and tricks on making your own movie while they make their own called Marble Hornets! EMH/MLA spoilersish up ahead

Heres the character correspondences:

Alex-> Jeff

Jay-> Vinnie

Tim-> Evan

Brian-> Michael!MLA

Jess-> Alex!EMH

Amy ->Jeffs GF(so sorry i forgot her name 😭)

“Masky”->Habit(which makes sense depending on the theories you go with for either series)

“Hoody”->Patrick (same as the last one)

Characters in cant figure out an association with:

Steph, Jess(Evans bestfriend) Shaun So they might just not have a place in this story idk

Since Mlanderson and EMH are in the same universe i thought id make Brian the Michael/Patrick of this story, except more involved. Instead of their being a shaun i think id like Brian to just go to MH crew, if ykwim. I did this cause the only other character i thought could fit Brian was Alex!EMH and I didnt like that.

My take on Masky is that hes just a more aware Tim, not a separate being (tho i do like to think of it that way for fun sometimes ha ha). Masky in my mind was in a battle against the operators control and was ultimately trying to help Jay. I think Masky would br Habit in this series cause of the theory that Habit is one of the first few iterations of Evan, thats why theyre similar and so compatible etc if you know the theory you know. That does mean that Tim isnt gonna act all ha ity, just more erratic i think, i havent gone tooooooo far into a characterization(or even a name) for Emh!MH Habit yet

“Hoody” I see as just brian and he was just disguising himself. in this au “Hoody” would be patrick. Let me explain,

Frim what i gathetef through my second watch of EMH and, my first of MLA , patrick is just Michael but remembers every single iteration, hes a similar being to Habit, thats why he has powers ig? Look i havent gotten too far into theories fir MLA the fandom is so dead i never see any 😭😭. I dont want to get to far into theories on other series anyways cause rhis is about my AU so ANYYYYWAYS i think brian would fit that its just brians story doesnt fit entirely with Michael, actually Tim would probably fit more now that i think about it. Oh god now im thinking of switching them again uhm wtv

I think the rest of the correspondences make sense if you think about it a bit. Jay as Vinnie makes sense to me because of boths compulsive need for answers even though its destructive to those around them. Jay wouldnt be as much as a villain in this like vinnie is (or maybe i havent decided muahaha). I also thought they fit cause they both do that weird thing where they constatly have to document everything.

I thought tim eould fit Evan just cause of the whole habit arc.

Alex as Jeff was more of a fill a role thing that eventually made sense to me. I did think of making him Evan and Tim Jeff, and im still thinking of doing this, but i thought the whole finding the gf arc would fit alex more. Alex would still be one of the villains i think. Like i said this would be marble hornets told through EMH lol. I might even switch it up and assign a habit type role to Alex instead and there be two patrick characters who knows!

As you can tell im still thinking this through so maybe mext post i make about this will be more solid. if youre interested to talk about this kore with me(obv my inbox) or i have a slenderverse discord i made with my friend heh tik tok smug emoji. come join if youre looking for more slenderverse friends(and if youre interested in darkharvest and mla especially cause i need more people to talk about that to 😭😭)

[magpod-confessions]

I feel like the way some of the fandom treats Jon is unfair and tbh borderline ableist. It's not his fault that he got hooked on statements by Elias/Jonah, it's very clear that he was being manipulated into it from the beginning. And even once he starts having to take live statements, he doesn't want to have to! He canonically hates that he has to do that to people for sustenance, but that compulsion isn't within his control.

Like c'mon. It's very heavily implied that he becomes genuinely suicidal because of his self-loathing around this, and how the other people around him are treating him like a monster and demanding he "just control" something that he isn't actually able to. Which isn't to say that Basira/Melanie/Georgie/s5!Martin etc. don't have the right to feel that way/that their responses aren't understandable, but they still aren't fair to Jon.

Jon's existence such as it is might not be fair, because his presence does harm others unintentionally. But sometimes that's how things are, and it's equally if not more unfair for the others to act like he's just a monster who should be put down and is selfish for continuing to want to live and be healthy.

Honestly, it sort of feels like some of the fandom has ignored/forgotten that the situation Jon is in isn't unique to a horror story, and in fact has many parallels in real life (whether that be addiction, mental disorder/disability, trauma, etc.) and that to take the view of "well he should've just Not Done That Stuff, skill issue, anyways you can't blame the others for how they treated him" is not exactly going to make actual people who are/have been in situations like that feel welcome in fandom spaces.

🗣️ (but no pressure)

I yea. Agree! I feel you can definitely have a discussion abt how much control Jon has over his actions, but at the end of the day, Jon has been manipulated to hell and back. But I also feel that a lot of it comes from a place of 'If I was in his situation I wouldnt do that' which has some victim blaming undertones, but also hes a fictional character in a fictional setting, which definitely influences how ppl talk abt him. If someone irl talked abt being abused and manipulated, along with having their addiction/disability taken advantage of, even if that same person would go on and on abt how 'The persons actually fine and its my fault' ppl likely would be very kind and take the situation very srsly, which isnt the same kind of reaction ppl have towards Jon, due to him being a fictional character - rosette

yeah i. heavily agree with this too anon. im way too tired to put any true thought into this like rosette did but yeah. people really dont take jons situation serious, and this extends to other characters in the series as well. the fandom doesn't often think further about avatars past 'haha they have to serve a dread power and they cant do anything about it' . - deceit

[marmett]

idk how much anyone else is into the vampire the masquerade lore, and i rlly dont know much bc ive only played bloodlines like, once.

but if i could interest you in wyllstarion vtm AU that han and i came up with.

so cazador would be a very old vampire of the ventrue clan the ventrue are like, the high class, "blue blood" vampires, and they tend to rule as the prince of a city more often than any other clan (toreador is second) cazador would be the city's prince, i think. astarion is ofc one of his childer, and i think even after 200 years, cazador has not granted astarion full status in vampire society, and he probably frequently uses the ventrue mind compulsion on him. cazador would be secretly involved in all kinds of shit ur generally not supposed to be involved in ngl. wyll was raised in an order of vampire hunters (its going to be a made up one bc none of the ones in canon fit, but im just gonna call them the flaming fists bc im unoriginal)

but unbeknownst to him and ulder, the leader of this order, wyll was being stalked by a tremere vampire (mizora) she attacked and transformed him into a vampire against his will. she tried to use blood sorcery and domination to control him. but it didnt work. he managed to escape and now hes on the run.

when ulder sees him for the first time after his transformation, he tells wyll to go and never come back, or theyll all hunt him down and kill him (ulder cant bring himself to kill his own son, and doesnt want to even see him dead) as a new vampire, he has it rlly rough bc he does not conform to any vampire power structure, hes going it alone. while trying to protect humans from vampires. which is like. a really bad fucking idea if u dont wanna be killed. but i think bc of wyll's connection to the flaming fists, and the tremere clan, cazador decides hes rlly fucking valuable, and sends astarion after him to try to bait him into joining them or smth. cazador obviously makes a lot of false promises abt them being vampires who care abt humans, bc they super dont, he just thinks itd be a good idea to have wyll on his side.

[myrfing]

big old catchup on lv93 area/quests

i would like 2 tuch it. also wuk lamat give you a banana bread.

i can quench it. so that's what your teacher tasked you with LAUGHHHHHHHHHH SHE LITERALLY GAVE YOU A QUEST TO MAKE FRIENDS HELP ME. also I couldn't find alisaie on the footpath down despite circling the area dozens of times and it's bothering me forever. if you know what she ways on the way to see the graveyard a at proof let me know .

:] gourd slab. it's just a gourd. thank you. this guy is my favorite of the giants just chiseling

Punished Japan Writing

LEADEN? come on. you've taken heavier loads. i cant say that

no way.

NEW CONLANG :DDDD can't want to see its rules...also lol gourd autotranslate echo cheat. i like how often he is simply not saying anything this expac. it is in his nature. also

why if it isnt the heart of shadowbringers it's good to see you here

YOU ARE SOO FUCKING CUTE mokona ass creature. this dungeon is beautiful btw

💪>:D uncharacteristic but cute

GUYS ITS OK. how sweet to have giants on the onset bid us to live though

bakool ja 2 balls disaster

erenville's maplestory cursor.

alisaie to be honest sometimes i think some people just need to die

why not egg boy

I really wish trust trials weren't a thing. lmfao. i want to do these fights with other people and not bots but whatever. the "I have to keep in tone with the story" compulsion controls me like a puppet

you two really just sat around out here trying to out-bitch each other I need you so bad

i couldn't help myself

i wish they hadn't revealed solution nine (?) to keep the red herring of "are they talking about amaurot" more alive

? STOP DRINKING IT

there's a leve about this too (enamored)

dude.

ohhhhhhhhh. i love so much npcs you introduce to the adventurer trade. come be a fuckass gig worker with me. say hi to the vath deftarm if you meet him

baby. i like how it just scuttles away.

SO FUCKING TRUE MURFURLUR SWEEP you and gourd are one of soul

weeee

yeah that is how he sleeps still. the shoes on the bed bother me so much dude they should've given us feet in dawntrail no matter what at the cost of anything (levitation)

wuk: (YELLS OVER THE CITY)

wuk: :3

gourd: :)

I Will Carry U Onto The Ship

it's nice that she's putting some thought into it but it's still very Baby's First Concept of War and Peace. not just her but well most of the game so far really

[call-of-ishmael]

Canto V and Ishmael's suicidal ideation

When the trailer for Canto V came out the narration over it and the tone gave me a lot of vibes of themes of suicidal ideation.

It wasnt present in the way id expect, but it was there and id like to talk about it

1. Her days prior to the Pequod

Ishmaels life before being a sailor isnt talked about much in her Canto, what we see though is pretty interesting

She expresses how she has come to hate the expectations, you work your ass off studying, getting degrees, applying to offices, to net you the job and life everyone says you should have.

A very interesting point to make is how she talks about it. The dread she feels as she expresses that thinking ahead thinking how this is gonna be her whole life, makes her feel empty.

"I didnt know if i wanted to die or if i just wanted my life to be different" [paraphrasing here] is a line we hear in this scene, however its followed up by her saying if she had to die somewhere itd be at the sea. She is unsure if what she wanted was to die, but her actions and thoughts point us that way, she frames it as where she wants her final resting place to be

2. The Pequod

Ishmael is from Ucorps Nest, The Great Lake should not be uncommon knowledge to the residents, a place full of monsters, where its known sailors who cant take it anymore jump into the waves to be free. And this is the place she wished to go to. She makes a desicion to join a ship that would take just about anyone to hunt whales.

In that gesture we see more of the previously mentioned thinking, she says shes not sure she wants to die but jumped into one of the most dangerous jobs around pretty quickly

In the Pequod she also experiences more trauma that leads her downwards even more, a controlling figure, molding everyone there into who they want them to be, a constant fear of death, endless fights against monsters, and eventually the loss of who she loved.

But its also a moment where we are shown, once she found some support, once she and Queequeg started working together towards a life goal she became determined to survive, she had a clear idea of where to go, a compass to follow. Before it was taken away.

3. Limbus Company, and Canto V

During the events of Limbus Company prior to Canto V we see Ishmael as a pretty driven person, she doesnt wanna die, at first, shes kept alive by a singular goal to find Ahab

By 4.5 and V we see this is, again, a self destructive endeavor

Her unique status effect "Compulsion" during the chapter is a way to communicate shes hurting herself constantly during this Canto, her usual ability to keep calm to not be consumed by her fears, worries, obsessions and compulsions falls apart

Ishmael at many points doesnt seem like she wants to come back alive, she willingly enters into the body of the whale only knowing she has something that can delay pallidification, not having a good plan to escape. She constantly tosses herself into danger, not caring how she gets hurt.

One of the more interesting tidbits is entering the dungeon. The first EGO gift she gains, exclusively applying effects to her, is a noose.

Its a culmination of the message, shes been hurting herself this whole time, she charges ahead, to kill that bastard, to kill Ahab. If she dies, its fine by her

And then the turning point is on the CG used for this section, another blatant gesture of letting her own life go, letting the membrane form around her, letting herself be consumed.

When shes broken out out the membrane it mirrors queequeg saving her in the past, the person who made her think of the future for once, to WANT to have a future.

Its the moment she realizes the sinners have been there for her, she has blinded herself to not think of any of the good moments, not even the ones she had with Queequeg.

She realizes shes not alone anymore

And she wants to live, somehow, she might not know how, but that hasnt stopped her before

Her compass is curiosity after all, she will find her path.

[peachjagiya]

https://www.tumblr.com/peachjagiya/751789107975520256/im-kinda-sick-of-waiting-around-to-find-out-if?source=share

Anon i feel the exact same way as you. I dont have a solution but i find it works best for me when i think of taekook as a fictional couple that i enjoy and love and that no one will ever be able to take away from me (i read and write fanfiction for one) and then the members as they are i take them as they are and what is presented to me. This excludes their private lives pretty heavily. In real life, though i want nothing more than for them to be ”real”, what i love about them is their bond. I dont go crazy with all the ”theories” that to me all seem like shippers choosing what they believe based on what aligns with their ship. And thats fine! But i cant delude myself like that. So what works best for me is: we will never know with absolute certainty what goes on behind the scenes. And thats how it should be. These are not our lives, its people who are actually strangers to us private lives. When taennie and paris happened, i obsessed over it, followed it compulsively. And eventually i was like. What the fuck am i doing? None of this, NONE OF THIS, has ANY impact on my life. I have nothing to do with it, and no agency in it because its got nothing to do with me. I cant control anything about it. Yes, I want taekook to be real, but at the end of the day, what does that matter to me? If i just want the relationship i can just daydream about it, them being real or not isnt actually going to make me any more part of it anyway (lol). Now i know that not just quitting them and instead staying with them could still be perpetating my problem but i hope i can continue to respect their private lifes. And i realize sending this to a theorizing shipping blog is kind of ironic, i do think theorizing is sort of inherently invasive (and rps in general so like myself included) but utlimately harmless as long as you stay respectful, they are public figures after all (please okay i mean no disrespect to you peachjagiya) So yeah, when that video with jk and the girl came out i was basically over it. My stance is that has nothing to do with me (and if its real i should not be able to see it and thats stalking and a gross invasion of privacy (same with the leaked taennie pics (although they are edited as hell))) so i do not have an opinion. I still love taekook. Are they real? A part of me is always going to believe that. But no, not that we know, and we can never know. But in any case, theyre real to me❤️ Hope this helps, if not then at least know youre not alone feeling this way (unless you dont wanna align yourself with my crazy lol), and i think some sort of distancing is healthy, not in a ”i dont care about them anymore” (like they mean so much to me, how could i ever do that), just another way of thinking about them. Yes its frustrating not to know but only if that knowledge matters to you. And maybe in the ways that matter (am i speaking in tongues rn) you’ll find it actually doesnt? All the love to anon and this blog 🦋💜

Some words for fed up anon and some ways of thinking about it. 💜

Just adding this second clarifying ask from anon:

No offence taken. I actually think a lot of what we talk about here isn't necessarily romantic. It's often in defence of their closeness in general because a lot of people seem to believe it simply doesn't exist. And in the course of denying their closeness, or minimising their importance to one another, there's a lot of anti-Tae sentiment, a lot of painting JK as something he's not, a lot of bending of ideas to fit weird narratives. That irritates me as a Tae/JK bias so I sometimes feel like I'm just battling that.

That's not to say we don't suggest romance. We definitely do. 😌 But you're right. You gotta protect yourself from potential upset or the weariness of never finding out by accepting that you're never operating at 100% certainty.

I don't think there's prizes for loyalty at the end. If they are a couple, there's no bragging rights if you never had a moment of doubt. JK and Tae aren't personally going to come to your house to congratulate you for never wavering. They are real people, not points to be had.

Sometimes we theorise and make jokes but hopefully it's a respectful vibe? I also hope people would let me know if the vibe got disrespectful.

Just because I'm worried how some people get:

Do I think they're a couple? Yes.

Will I continue to view them through that lens? Yes.

Am I putting my life savings and personal happiness on it? Absolutely definitely no.

Thanks anon 💜

Edit to add:

Taekook will stay cute! 🥰😘 😍

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[chronic-gastro-illness-culture]

is ARFID related at all to digestive / stomach disorders?

oh hell yeah

firstly eds can cause digestive disorders

Gastrointestinal (GI) Issues During and After Eating Disorder Treatment

Eating Disorders and Gastrointestinal Diseases

but also if u look at the dx criteria for arfid disgestive disorders can cause or worsen arfid bc of health anxiety i assume n the fear of triggering symptoms

DSM-V Diagnostic Criteria for ARFID

An eating or feeding disturbance (e.g., apparent lack of interest in eating or food; avoidance based on the sensory characteristics of food; concern about averse consequences of eating) as manifested by persistent failure to meet appropriate nutritional and/or energy needs associated with one (or more) of the following:

Significant weight loss (or failure to achieve expected weight gain or faltering growth in children).

Significant nutritional deficiency.

Dependence on enteral feeding or oral nutritional supplements.

Marked interference with psychosocial functioning.

The disturbance is not better explained by lack of available food or by an associated culturally sanctioned practice.

The eating disturbance does not occur exclusively during the course of anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, and there is no evidence of a disturbance in the way in which one’s body weight or shape is experienced.

The eating disturbance is not attributable to a concurrent medical condition or not better explained by another mental disorder. When the eating disturbance occurs in the context of another condition or disorder, the severity of the eating disturbance exceeds that routinely associated with the condition or disorder and warrants additional clinical attention.

arfid is highly comorbid w ocd bc of fear of contamination n catching a illness n fear of triggering a digestive disorder episode would work the same way but instead of triggering a phobia or obsession n compulsions its reflux/ibs/food allergies/dysphagia/indigestion/nausea/pain/etc some other negative consequence to eating that wants to be avoided

like it goes beyond just following a restrictive elimination style diet ur doc gave u to control n manage symptoms to see what trigger foods to avoid n goes into phobic n neurotic territory were u want a lot of control over how ur food is prepped eating food made by someone other then urself makes u nervous n maybe u avoid that altogether or u would rather starve/skip a meal that isnt prepped by u just bc it makes u too nervous to eat it u need to know its safe n that it wont trigger a episode n if u cant guarantee that u just avoid it all together or eat just a lil n hope its not enough to trigger a episode