#but i really just wanna vent and have my thoughts out there
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review sockathan ! 👻👻👻
woah how'd you make that green
SOCKATHAN YAOI REVIEW
Disclaimer: This will contain spoilers (kind of) for Welcome to Hell 2 Part 1 and Welcome to Hell. You should probably go watch that. Its made by Erica Wester and its PRETTY cool.)
My Yaoi Entrepreneurs, I'll be blunt with you. I know we've ALL seen gay people, maybe in the streets, maybe at the park. You might even see one in your home now, so lets be honest with ourselves. Sock is DEFINITELY gay, bisexual at LEAST.
The OTHER one on the other hand.. its a little bit harder to say.. I'll probably find something though..
Lets make one thing clear, when I say Yaoi in this review. I don't mean ANYTHING inappropriate. Its just my special way of saying gay people.. I'm kinda magical in that sense.
Lets just get the first one done and over with a simple section I like to call:
EVIDENCE 1: SOCK IN GENERAL
okay so FIRST of all the FIRST time we see sock, they call Jonathan "hot stuff" while being in a fridge. I'm not sure about you but that's love if I ever saw it.
After that they introduce you to Sock killing his parents. One key point after another. If Sock being gay wasn't important, then WHY was it shown BEFORE telling us Sock's (other) main trait. Checkmate liberals.
Sock would then get the report from Mephistopheles, and you COULD say its just because the camera zoomed in, but its literally the most light ever seen in Sock's eyes.
And then Sock went on to ruin Jonathan's day, making him look crazy, and Jonathan SOMEHOW got blamed for knocking down that desk, I swear I think the teachers just hate him. I'm not sure about you but I certainly cant KNOCK over a desk thats right next to me.
He was WRITING too.. would a guilty man of desk flipping WRITE?? NO!!
And not to mention that Sock made Jonathan look DUMB in front of the faceless brothers which was probably the closest time that Sock did their job right.
Sock absolutely ruined it today.. but can you blame them? They're new to the job, give them some SLACK.
But the upcoming days, Sock was so whimsical.
Yeah SURE. Sock is still telling Jonathan to kill himself, but they just don't want to get fired!!
Not to mention the fact that they stared at Jonathan while they were taking a piss, but there's nothing odd about that.
And also near the end, Mephistopheles calls sock out on liking the guy, and Sock stutters. You just have to take my word for it.
SOCK IN GENERAL 2 [PART 1]
If you saw Welcome to Hell 2 [Part 1], you already know what I'm gonna comment about. Sock went on to call Jonathan's mother, hot. They then went on to say "Must be where you got it from, huh? You definitely got her butt at least."
When Jonathan goes on a walk and Sock follows them and says after Jonathan says he doesn't wanna be friends with them. (We'll get back to that)
"Oh wow, come to think of it, You don't really have ANYONE do YOU? What's that feel like? Knowing you're gonna die alone." to which Jonathan snaps back with "I dunno Sock, you tell me."
Now at first, this looks like a scene of ANTI SOCKATHAN propaganda, but think with me here, yaoiers. How would Jonathan know that Sock died alone??
I understand if he just guessed, since sock DOES look like someone who would die alone, or he just said whatever comeback that came to his head but if not, Sock ALREADY told Jonathan about their past life.
If what I KNOW is true, Sock VENTED to Jonathan about their life before they died in LESS than a week, since Sock just now sees Jonathan's mother in the first part, and due to a comment made by the creator.
Sock REALLY trusts this guy, maybe Mephistopheles didn't want to hear them vent, but maybe its JUST because Sock wanted Jonathan to do the same. but they probably didn't.
And then near the end, Sock says to Jonathan when he snatched his employee manual
"Jonathan, if something happens to you-"
Actually, I think this is pretty weak evidence but I thought I'd include it, since a teacher would say the same thing if a kindergartener was up on a high shelf.
That segment was PRETTY lengthy, but I PROMISE you, the others will be shorter, I just.. didn't expect there to be so much for Sock...
EVIDENCE 2: SOCK SUCKS AT THEIR JOB.
Jonathan was DEAD ON when they told Sock that they suck at their job. And quite honestly.. I could've done it better.. I could've got Jonathan to kill himself (theoretically) on the FIRST day, and if you wouldn't use my strategy, I promise you that there's probably several other you could use for the teenager that you want them to kill themselves at home.
STEP 1: GRAB A WEAPON
Since Sock is seen to be able to flip over a desk and they're able to HOLD Jonathan's journal (Shock or not), I should THEORITCALLY be able to grab a weapon, now for this strategy, I suggest you pick a nonlethal option, only to have a lethal option around, for this example, I will be using a sledgehammer.
After swinging that at the noggin, Jonathan would drop unconscious, probably with brain damage (that don't matter though)
STEP 2: POSSESS THE TEENAGER
Now it MAY not be like this in w2h, but Mephistopheles was able to possess Jonathan when he was DEAD (Probably), so It should hopefully work when they're out of consciousness.
STEP 3: KILL YOURSELF.
Alright now I KNOW that sounds bad.. but it wouldn't be MY hands to kill him. Grab the nearby lethal and SHOOT. THAT. TEENAGER!! Your boss may not agree with the logistics of this, but you get the job done.
This simulation was to PROVE that Sock atleast CARES a bit about Jonathan to want to get to know him. and to not kill him on the spot. Now if It was the other way around.. I'm not exactly sure..
EVIDENCE 3: JONATHAN KINDA HATES SOCK
(he looks like hes standing up to a school bully)
At the beginning of Welcome to Hell, hes clearly annoyed and STILL is annoyed by some of Sock's actions by the end, but he atleast isn't mad enough to NOT act like he could put up with Sock. I think the closest thing to gayness from Jonathan was when he moved the backpack for Sock to sit down.
In Welcome to Hell 2, he IS PISSED at this guy, and honestly, if Sock kept on knocking down those desks, i CANT blame him..
Maybe Sock kinda ruined the vibe when they expressed their love for Jonathan's mother, its hard to say really..
Jonathan makes this very clear that he DOESN'T even wanna be Sock's friend, I mean HAVE YOU HEARD THE THEME SONG?
SUMMARY:
Sock wasn't able to win Jonathan's heart, making him tonight's biggest loser.
YAOI: 6.5/10
#welcome to hell#w2h#w2h2#w2h sock#w2h jonathan#welcome to hell 2#sockathan#sock sowachowski#yaoi#yaoireview#jonathan combs
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“I think I have to climb to the top of the hill if I wanna see what's going on on the other side...”
Drew this through tears as an acceptance that Ojima will be the killer of this chapter and that he’ll die and I’ll never see him again.
Vent/rant under cut
——— I’m actually crying right now while writing this. I can’t see any other possibility where Ojima isn’t the killer. Just everything story wise and plot and symbolic wise makes sense. He’s already the prime suspect with his shaky alibi, him going to the medbay at midnight, the blood on Hiroaki’s bed where he slept for the night, his strange disassociating more than usual.
At this point there’s so much evidence pointing towards Ojima being the one who killed Chiba I’m already grieving his inevitable death this trial. Just, even with the parallels between him and Chiba with the story time episode where he wrote a children’s book with her, hence the text in the art referencing that. And how that one time he talked during his dissociative haze he said the exact words that Chiba said to him while writing the book. I can only think of this as Ojima in shock with how he killed her. There’s also their parallels as well with both having sorts of age regression and coping by living through a childish fantasy lens. It’d be so sad thinking how that could be symbolic of Ojima killing a perception of himself. And with Ojima being a children’s book illustrator who had his childhood taken away from him and Chiba looking like a child and having a similar form of regression I can’t imagine how tragic this story would play out through with the trial.
I really thought Ojima would have more time as I felt it’d be inevitable we’d get a breakdown scene with his PTSD and learning more about that story, but with how things are going I could imagine that happening during the trial. God I don’t even wanna imagine how his execution would be if it goes the route on playing up his trauma, these killing game staff are sadists and I could completely imagine them doing that, especially with the mention of working on the execution in the staffside.
I’m also in absolute tears over his relationship with Hiroaki. Just… purple is so devastating with the likely idea that Ojima is the killer, and even imagining if he already killed at that time. Them sharing an intimate moment and Hiroaki confessing how he’s so reliant and attached to him and how they’re basically codependent, and as well with how he’s almost finished the drawing for Ojima. When he’s the killer he’ll never be able to show it to him and he’ll have absolutely no one by his side anymore who cares about him or even loves him. It would be the most heartbreaking thing ever.
Ojima is such an incredibly amazing character like I’ve never seen before I can’t prepare for him to be the chapter 2 killer… he would’ve gone too early and I’m such despair. I’ll never be able to see him again in the series, he’ll never speak again I’ll never be able to get exited whenever an episode pops up in a thumbnail he’ll never dissociate again he’ll never be funny and sassy again he’ll never help Hiroaki to open up again he’ll never have a hilariously gay moment with Hiroaki again. He’s lived 16 years of his life going through the worst abuse a human could face, only for when he escapes to be dragged into a killing game and forced to commit a murder of someone who shares so much similarities with him. I’m already feeling the effects of his death a week before it happens and I’d rather fall into despair than yearn for hope only to have it taken away from me. I can’t imagine how I’ll be able to watch tetro with Ojima gone forever. I have been crying the entire day over this and my tears are making this hard to write.
#Tetro danganronpa pink#tetro danganronpa#tetro pink#tetro danganronpa pink spoilers#tetro danganronpa spoilers#fanganronpa#ojima takeshi#tw pink blood#how in only a span of a couple months can I love a character as much as Ojima#It was his birthday just a few days ago he shouldn’t be repaid with the likelyhood of killing someone then being executed#The trial hasn’t even started yet I’m grieving so hard#I know I shouldn’t be this upset over a fictional character#Last time this happened was two years ago#but at least if anything this shows the testament to how absolutely amazing of a story tetro danganronpa pink is#And how much I want to repay my love to the series and the characters
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It makes me so sad that so many systems feel like they can't use the language they're comfortable with for fear they'd be confused with an endo. (Plural, fictive, etc)
-💤 (It/Hy)
#sovsys.txt#((levi💤))#anti endo#syspunk#systempunk#endos dni#plural#system#im aware that a lot of our posts are about endos...#which kinda sucks because this blog wasn't MEANT to be a syscourse blog.#but i really just wanna vent and have my thoughts out there#idk#whatever ig
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One thing I will never understand is why some of y'all get so mad about Buck and Eddie being roughly the same age. I don't understand how people can learn that Eddie only enlisted when Shannon got pregnant and not just assume he was 18/19 when that happened. In what world a 23 yo would panic enlisted because his girlfriend got pregnant? I don't get it.
#eddie acting older doesn't necessarily make him older#and also#if eddie had 5 years of real world experience by the time Shannon got pregnant#enlisting would not be the reaction#because he would've had 5 years to be an adult#having an accidental baby at 23 is young but like thats the not of the world#not like getting your girlfriend pregnant right after senior promo when you dont want to go to college is#that was literally my only argument for never assuming he was older#and finding out hes around the same age as Buck was great#made perfect sense#why is that such a problem?#this is a rhetorical question#i dont really wanna know#no need to tell me#im just venting because i just saw someone say EDDIE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FORTY RIGHT NOW#FORTY#FUCKING FORTY#like what the fuck are they on#and they were like straight saying the show retconed and they said eddie was born in 84#and im like?????????? you tripping?????????#i will take the 5 year gap BUT SAYING MY MAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FORTY????????????????#crazy#911#thoughts thoughts thoughts
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Can we go back to early 2024, please? I miss the brat summer pre Chappell Roan hate train Dead Boy Detectives cancelation obliviousness 2024
#seriously at that point in the year i was actually starting to get very optimistic#i thought we had the dead boy detectives renewal in the bag#good luck babe was everywhere on the radio#i had just learned the silly little hot to go dance#heartbreak high had a new season#good omens season 3 was in the bag#i was completely oblivious to how much of a fucking asshole neil gaiman is#there was the new noahfinnce album#and the new idkhow album#i had a new hyperfixation#and i was just starting to get into hozier again#not to mention i was under the impression that i was on the hrt waitlist and would be meeting with a gender therapist soon#cause that's what i was told#come to find out my parents are like... really not that supportive#now everyone suddenly fucking hates chappell roan for some reason#too many unfunny people found out about brat and ruined it#neil gaiman fucking sucks (understatement of the century)#dead boy detectives is canceled#and the election is.........#i don't even wanna say it#everything went downhill on august 30th#maybe i just have the 10pm blues#eugh#idek what to tag this man#tw vent#mxpotatoposts
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i cant fully control my emotions during a breakdown and then i come out of it and im like oh fuck........ ._.
#bpd#like i dont mean to hurt anyone else with having my breakdown on my vent blog on tumblr...#like the stuff i say isnt aimed at anyone in particular#and it's abt MY feelings which are so confusing i get a headache#my thoughts is my enemy and im such a broken and confused little girl inside fr T-T#but like yeah im sorry for upsetting ppl???#but really i feel so suffocated bc im constantly terrified of saying smth that will upset this or that person#or reblogging the wrong thing and making someone im attached to hate me#like idk.... genuinely my blog is supposed to be a vessel? a tool? smth for me to be able to put my emotions and thoughts down#and try to make sense of them. even when i cant. it really only concerns me. i dont mean to attack or hurt anyone else :/#but i mean i really shouldnt and i shouldve learned this lesson so long ago....#being confused and broken and mentally ill and not knowing or understanding things and being messy and#saying the wrong things or phrasing it incorrectly or anything like that#or like sometimes i have one thought tied to a certain emotion but it's only there in that moment#like when i feel so lonely i could die.. yes i do have kidnapping fantasies. bc i dont.: whatever i dont owe anyone a psychoanalys of mysel#but that doesnt mean i want want to be kidnapped by a stranger who doesnt care abt me... i know that would be awful and traumatizing and no#what i *want*. bc what i desire is love#but like i feel so much pain and just venting abt it or reblogging a post helps me solidify my overwhelming emotions#idk what to say like..... ☹️☹️☹️☹️#i cant even fucking blog or do tumblr right im worthless. and yeah i know i have a victim complex.. sorry 🥲#hmmm. yeah idk what to say like when i have breakdowns i have to get myself thru them without any support#and i dont mean that to attack anyone else.: we're all alone i know.#but idk how to deal w it so i just type it out. its not to attack anyone else its to try to make sense of my emptions i dont understand ☹️#anyway.. maybe i should just accept that im too fucked up and too contradictory for anyone to actually like me#there will always be smth that will make everyone not like me anymore. thats that.#thank u for the time u do give me tho i always appreciate thay#and im sorry i really truly dont want to hurt anyone else#i just dont have .. idk it doesnt matter im sorry for what its worth and if anyone even reads this#i hope not bc i dont want anyone to perceive me and stuff like i dont wanna exist to anyone#and im not on tumblr or post stuff for attention. im just in pain and have nowehrre to put it. im sorry if im lashinf out and hurting other
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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Wait shit people might actually care about me
#sorryyy for the personal posts lmao just not having a great time lately . ill go back to posting abt fandom stuff soon dw#hopefully the self loathing phase is over now cuz i really didnt enjoy that!#mf got me thinking thay everyone secretly hates me n itd be better if i was dead ahahaha#but like. my friends talk to me daily. my mutuals love me. i didnt go to school for like 3 days and my classmate who im kindaaa friends wit#texted me saying. and i quote “Hi [name]. I know its late but i hope your doing well. Hope to cya tmr.” (the full stops symbolize each text#cuz she sent three seperate texts)#and i was just. so flabbergasted at that#i didnt rlly think anyone would really notice if i was gone#i didnt think anyone cared me enough for that#i thought theyd just be indifferent to it#also i sound pathetic rn but i reread that girl's text over n over again when she sent rhat. was literally on the brink of tears#and i just. wow.#people might actually care for me. they might actuallynotice when im gone. they might actually miss me#ive been so inside my head n thinking allat bad stuff about myself that i. didnt think that people might see me differently than the way#i saw myself#really and truly i love you guys so much#even if we've never talked to each pther before or interact very little. i appreciate all of you. you guys rock#anyways aha i should stop rambling now loll. as for now i think im doing a bit better#life still sucks but hey at least i have my friends. at least i dont hate myself anymore now#at least now i dont believe that everyone was being friends with me out of pity#thank you all for everything :')#man i need a hug rn lmao#tw vent#tw sui implied#tw sui ideation#tw self loathing#tw self destructive behavior#<- dw about the tags i dont feel/do those anymore#if you wanna talk to me abt this or just talk in general hit me up!! i love talking to ppl i dont like being alone xd#love youu <33
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me: this is too much exposition. you should not directly tell all the time. let dialogue and tone/body language descriptions do some of the work
also me: this isn't exposition it's literally the second paragraph of chapter one you're setting up the plot you gotta drop a little exposition
also also me:
#I go back and forth back and forth back and forth and then I do zero actual writing and it's bed time 🙃#I need to STOP fucking myself up but I can't. I used to trust myself. at least a little. when I'd write.#like I never approached it with a big ego. I was always sick to my stomach when I'd hit 'post' on ao3.#I was always like IS this good though?#but now I can't even get a rough draft out without sabotaging myself which is 🙃🙃🙃🙃#I don't know where this extreme self doubt came from. It's been plaguing me for over a year.#I abandoned 2 massive major wips in the last year that I had poured WEEKS into. FILLED notebooks.#and my self doubt consumed me and I was like I cannot do this. scratched out the notebooks.#deleted the word docs entirely#now I KNOW I have one that's good. I KNOW it is. I KNOW this cause I've thought up the WHOLE fic. all the way to the end#and I wanna read it so bad#and that's how I know like. I got a live one on the line baby#I just. freak out. and quit. and that's not me. I don't know why this is happening.#but it's really discouraging and tough#and I just wish I could drag myself outta this weird self doubt spiral#and write this damn fic cause I KNOW I CAN. or at least I COULD. a year ago? this would already be written#all like 9-10 chapter of it. it'd be done and up and I'd be like ha I did it!#now I'm fucked.#I'm now done venting for the night I give up sleep meds time 🤷♀️
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I can go on that ramble about the future and housing and aromanticism though now. It’s like man, the future is already something that is so inconceivable to me. To then have the sexuality that does not allow me to slot in the cookie cutter you find a romantic partner that you end up moving in with is terrible. And like In this economy I sure can’t live alone, and I know at least when I’m sick I desperately want someone to be there. And then there’s I’m likely to move around a bunch how do you deal with that housing, other than the work having paid housing. like constantly having to find somewhere that’s looking for roommates and it isn’t terrible? And then long term, when I find a job I stay at for a while (that’s remote so I’d love to live in a remote place) is it like I find a place to stay and then I’m stuck there forever and I just have to hope that I make good friends at this new place. (Friends that don’t want to live exclusively with a romantic partner no less.) I want to live with close friends so bad and I’m not sure if that’s a feasible thing for my future. I’m a person that has so much hope so I have to assume that yes it will work out, I do believe that. But man just hearing someone mention it, sparks that hope.
#… vaguely related other way too personal ramble#I need to try so hard to keep my friends for a long time. I want it so much#but I’ve never had close friends till now and once I went to a different period in my life the friends I had were gone#and Ive made really close friends now in college and one day I was talking with one of them on a walk home and mentioned still being friend#in 5 years. and they were like that’s not happening this friendgroup isn’t sticking together that long and they were right#at least for them specifically they were the one that came back worse and it’s a big group#there are most definitely different groups inside it and that makes me worry if once I finish college I’ll still chat with them at all#and oh hey tying this into another thought I had earlier… I’m planning on studying abroad next semester (that’s the application I’m procras#inating rn lol) and I’ll be like 8 hours in the future and I guess that’ll be the ultimate test on if I can really keep friends#a trial run before I graduate#and I won’t let this thinking of the future ruin my time now I know that doesn’t help but still.#well… actually summer sorta also is a trial run. and I still talked with them just less often and in a different way… it’s gonna be okay#this is a post i made#uh I am bad at tagging if things are vent posts or not#vent#oh I completely forgot to put the online part of the tag ramble! Ive made quite a few friends online and we talk for a while and I love the#and then it’s a every once in a while going hey I still care about you but I can’t hold a conversation for the life of me#and now there’s. you know who. who I care about so much and we say things I never imagined people saying about me#and I am so scared? (… sure) that that’s gonna go the same way. and I’m not sure reassurance on any of this will really help I think it’ll#just be I will only be less scared of the future as time passes and it’s proven to be wrong#mh hit the I want to keep this all inside and not let this out to not make other people think about it thing#… okay now I need to make a joke that is so tonal whiplash cause uhhh okay siffrin#… I need to go to sleep it’s late I’m sure that’s why all these feelings are being brought up… ’I’m fine’ as great role model siffrin says#… but it doesn’t feel real that people care about me. that I do actually have an impact. that I’m actually a note in someone’s story#I know it logically everyone I’ve ever known is part of me but it’s so hard to imagine that applies to me in others#okay I’m gonna go shower and go to sleep. I wanna say ignore this post but that’s not a good idea I don’t think#though just talking into the void does help a lot. I’m great at talking myself into believing that things are a okay if I just talk about i#… this wasn’t supposed to be a vent or be so long geez
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I wanna be a dude
#like. ive said this before but. oh man dysphoria has been getting WILD lately#im... tired? i dont know#ivs been so weird lately. like really happy but then really sad#things have been getting better this year but. something's wrong#maybe is the fact that i dont wanna came out?#but honestly. what if im not really trans? like i know there are people who detransition but.#ugh i hate gender. lets burn it down#...am i gay? like. i love women but. men...#i know im not really bisexual. im pan. i just dont like the extra step to explain it. so i just say bi most of the time.#but...#oh my god i hate my thoughts#i need a hug#and an autism diagnosis /hj#vent post#vent#ignore this post. really. i just needed to talk into the void
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Yeah I really have no patience for self-important people who desperately want to inject themselves into creative industries just because they consider "enjoying media" their defining trait that somehow other people don't have. Being a dedicated fan is a great thing for sure, but you become self-absorbed when you think that, alone, is why you deserve to cut out a hole for yourself in the industry and not maybe the fact that you've put in the work to hone industry-specific skills.
Creative fields are not easy money or easy clout or whatever. Believing so is such a disrespect to those skills and everyone who's worked so hard to get where they are.
#Stupid shit#Vent#Don't mind me just get really angry when I see the adult versions of the 'my uncle works at nintendo' types#A phenomenon most people grow out of after entering high school#It's so fucking embarrassing seeing full grown adults acting so childishly just so they can inject themselves out of selfishness.#This also applies to people who claim to actually work a creative field but have absolutely nothing to show for it#Oh you're a graphic designer? You're an animator? A producer? Where's your portfolio? Any posts with your work?#Any proof at all that you actually study and work at honing this creative skill????#Any history of participating in projects and contributing??? Even just financially??#ANY EVIDENCE OF ANY CREATIVE INPUT YOUVE EVER GIVEN?? EVER????#no? You just wanna run your mouth under the guise of having authority on a subject you have literally no experience in???#That's what I thought.#Be fucking wary of these people and don't fucking buy everything they say because they're gonna invent whatever lie gets them attention
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hate when i vent abt my pain and ppl tell me "everyone has stomach aches, it's normal" okay but are their pains bad enough to make them cry or unable to stand..... at least once a week...... bc i think that if this was normal society might've collapsed by now. but what do i know
#at least I'm on the way to get another test to see if it really is crohn's or not :')#my other tests came out negative but the last doctor i saw said it's worth checking again :')#bc. he claims. you're never gonna guess it. these pains are NOT normal ✨️ who could've thought!#sorry for the bitterness. as you may be able to infer from this i am in severe pain and having a hard time standing up or moving at all#btw through this doctor i went to i found out i actually had internal inflammation back in 2018 too and i was just. never told abt it.#like i was in the hospital and they ran a test but bc it was for smth else they didn't think to point it out??#why do i have to learn 5 years later that i had smth wrong with me that probably got worse with time and that's why I'm like that now 😭😭😭#(i wanna apply good faith to this. they probably thought it was a result of my other stomach issues so it'll pass once they do.#but like. if it really didn't go away and in fact got worse with time. i feel like i have the right to blame them yknow?)#vent#possibly a tmi one idk ajskflglh#sorry. i am very tired
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#for how long am i gonna wake up.. and have my first thought be him#and then wish that when i look at my phone i will have messages waiting from him#where he said gm and told me abt his day like i had every day for a while..#and then suddenly get anxiety pain in my whole chest and stomach#bc i know i dont have any messages from him. and that we dont really talk anymore#and now idek if he would want to keep message me every once in a while#am i gonna keep living off of the high from one message from him now and then?#like idk :((( it's just so painful#and it does hurt more now bc... for a long time i still hade hope that like ofc we will talk!!!!! when he's ready to talk#we will talk abt everything and it will all be fine ^-^ i really really had trust and belief in that#like i genuinely thought that would happen. bc to /me/ this is the most real and strong thing i've had#which truly i understand is also naive and unwordly of me and also im very intense and emotional abt things#so truly i cannot get mad abt it only have been the one thing to want and to wanna fight for#bc yeah.. ig it just stings a lot more than just a crush bc to me.. like i sound so silly and naive but i should just vent#bc like yeah... i dont have any friends to talk to or a therapist or anything and i need to talk T-T#it's embarrassing but to me i really felt like i had found my person.. the person who i wanted to be the closest to in the world..#felt the kind of love where i would do anything and fight for it to even have a chance.. and yeah..#ig i was very naive to have the 'certainty' that .. i was just waiting and being patient and giving him space. maybe that wasnt actually#what he needed. but w my avpd i didnt know how to be pushy or.. like how to be enough pushy like he would need#without being too intense to push him too far away from me. bc im intense.. so i know that even if he's right for me#im not right for him bc i could not give him what he needs.. :(((#but yeah.. everyday i wake up w so much sadness bc i know i wont get to talk to him all day#and now the sadness is coupled with intense dread and anxiety#bc honestly i have no idea if he'll ever reply to me again or how much we will talk if we even will at all.#and the thought of life without him and not even have him in it even a little makes me wanna die lol#idk.. idk... bc i wont get to have what i want.. which is to simply be with him. but yeah idk... idk#it pains me sm that ... we never did talk to find out whatever was between us. and regardless of intent on his behalf that does make me fee#*i* am the one who valued and cared abt our 'bond' more than he did... but it is what it is it is what it is#it just hurts... bc i found someone i both thought and wanted it to be real with. but... i never even got a chance to try or talk abt it#which also is life.. if he found someone (twice) that he did like enough to want to try with but not with me.. that's just how he felt..
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I don't want to get off my phone I don't want to stay on my phone I don't want to pump gas I don't want to do deliveries I don't want to get ready for bed I don't want to write anything of substance I don't want to create I don't want to not create I don't want to be here I don't want to go anywhere I don't want to move I don't want to stay still my brain and body seem to simply want to sit here and Yearn
#is this like a shutdown i think we're having a shutdown#cuz like#we're not experiencing the pain of the overwhelm#but that's because we're dissociating really bad#like am i blitz are we blurry have we been in this parking lot for hours#why can't i just do anything but type#we're just sitting here numb and unmotivated#vent#i guess#tagging in case as always#idk man#“get a hobby” we have several#“get a life” we have. one but we have to share#“get a job” 2 jobs going on possibly 3 next month ok im starting to understand#we are indeed having to face a future and have no solid Plans yet#i thought getting our biggest worry out of the way now that my cat is w a trusted friend would help#but everything else is at the Forefront of our mind now whoops!!#ironically it would be better if we just. cane up w a plan#but noooo sensory overload from our own fucking chatter#allllll dayyyyyy#fuckkkkk#we're probably gonna go to bed lol i can try again tomorrow#we're ok just. we “shouldn't be” if that makes sense lol#if we're going to be a wreck i wish i could at least provess it#like it's worse than emotional denial i straight-up don't have access to said emotions rn#“don't underestimate my capacity to not wanna” type shit sjfhhshsh#oh also we need to eat dude come on#dont want to do that either but alas we need nutrients to live#at least we like living!#usually lmao also i did it (apparently) i reached 30 tags. thank u tumblr i love yapping
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sometimes I wonder if I should take a gender studies class just so I can bitch every day about how an imaginary boyfriend is often seen as a requirement for a woman to feel safe enough to have fun at a club, or the idea that an imaginary person with a fake “claim” over me has more influence over predatory men than my own voice saying “No, I’m not interested, get lost”
#venting#hnnnnng the double standard is really really making my teeth hurt recently#(in that I’m grinding my jaw at the mere thought of this particular breed of injustice)#I honestly miss going out with my friends. I miss going to bars and clubs and enjoying the night#but I wanna go with my friends and leave my boyfriend at home for once#he gets to go out and enjoy himself all the time with his friends and they never even have to deal with unwanted flirtation#meanwhile I go out in a tshirt and jeans and get fucking catcalled or flirted with just fucking getting groceries#and it’s not a narrative on beauty or anything. it’s about men’s perception of women#specifically predatory men and men who don’t realize they’re BEING predatory#perhaps it’s because I’ve been going to this fucking gamer school for far too long#and I’ve interacted with so many socially inept/incel men from there#who don’t know what no means or dont take women seriously when they do say no#or they literally cannot read between the lines of a woman politely declining their advances#‘but she was being so nice to me’ yeah bc if she wasn’t you’d either call her a bitch or try to force her anyway#anyway. I’m angry#im tired of living in fear of morons#I’m tired of not being able to go out on a Tuesday night and just walk the town with my friends#specifically my femme friends#we should be at the club!! instead we’re trying to make sure the group is like a school of fish so we’re less of a target#and like. I could talk about this on twt or reddit but. cmon. let’s be real here#MelloMoans#really does feel like we’re going backwards when it comes to gender equality and feminism#especially with the influx of the whole sigma male/high value male bullshit#I understand how it came to be I really do but that plus the whole pick me girl thing is just another toxic view of gender identity#and all it has resulted in on both sides is a wider degree of separation between the genders#therefore allowing both extremes to dehumanize every one that doesn’t identify as sigma male or not like other girls YET AGAIN#(and therefore also opens up the door for dehumanizing lgbtq+ folks but. let’s be real. that hasn’t really gone away yet :/
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