#like i dont mean to hurt anyone else with having my breakdown on my vent blog on tumblr...

[bunnihearted]

i cant fully control my emotions during a breakdown and then i come out of it and im like oh fuck........ ._.

[thecatboyfriend-moved]

so

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that. 

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.

[bluubard]

just a little vent because im really, really tired, my anxiety’s been kicking my ass hard for the last few weeks, and i just feel on the end of my rope dealing with shit even though i literally said i was doing fine in therapy today (spoiler: im not fine)

i feel like i need to preface myself. let it be known. i do not hate my friends. in fact, i care for them quite a bit. i care about their wellbeing, their happiness and health. i enjoy their friendship, and presence, and spending time with them. what i do hate is pity, myself, and the fact that trauma has made my brain so fucked like this to begin with.

so, long story short, its sad boi times, i’m super fuckin’ lonely and isolated, and the grand idea that i’m always gonna be that way - that i’ll never have a partner or a best friend i can just... lean on, bar nothing, nor a happy fulfilling life really rears its ugly head and hurts like a motherfucker sometimes. nothing new.

a long story long...

so i’m a pretty fucking depressing person in general, right? i’m not pleasant and i know it. i bitch a lot, i’m salty, i’m absolutely not the nicest, and a lot of the time i come off a lot meaner and more bitter than i’d like. i don’t mean to. i try to be positive or to look out for others, y’know? at the end of the day, i’m just like every other person. i just want to be liked. to be wanted. to belong.

most of the time... i never feel that way. and like, y’know? its nobody’s fault, really. i know it’s past abandonment and abuse that makes my brain think everyone actually hates me. but sometimes that feeling is founded, which is i suppose how my brain gets away with still feeling like that to begin with.

i’m forgettable. i’m nobody’s best friend, i don’t think i’m lovable - not likeable either, really - nor partner material though i wish i was, and im so sick of being so fucking lonely all the time. i don’t even think my friends consider me friends generally. i’m not really anyone’s friend, yeah? i’m an acquaintance they have to put up with and tolerate when i inflict myself on them.

you know those memes, that are like always making fun of the weakling, the friend who walks behind everyone or who gets picked last in the group (if they’re included at all), that friend who’s never invited to things, or gets pitied? that’s me.

or debatably worse, means so little that if i just disappeared, it wouldn’t matter even a mote. that one really stings. that one i know for a fact is true, and i don’t mean that in a guilt tripping way. just that it’s the way it is. it really kills me.

and like..... i don’t have any irl friends. i didn’t come from a great background anyway, but i attracted a lot of trouble and negativity and in my own pain i pushed away a lot of people and hid until i didn’t know how to be human anymore, and now i can’t, and im alone. there is literally nobody that would actively come check on me or drag me out of my house if i was feeling down. and i’ve tried. i really tried. it’s hard sometimes, to try. maybe being a narcissist or a serial abuser’s playtoy is the only thing i am good for. and this is even before covid, much less now where everyone’s isolated or else.

the people i can genuinely say i love with all my stupid little heart are all across the country and the world. even people i care about in the same state are hours and hours away across literal mountains. that’s all i’ve got. long distance internet friends. and i feel selfish and terrible because i want more and i hate it.

all of those friends have partners. and if they don’t have partners, they already have their best friends. their irl pals. their communities, and groups, and friend-families and companions and lives and just.... i don’t mean that badly. everyone is more than entitled to their life and happiness and i guess i just....

i wish i was part of that. for someone.

i don’t want to be an obligation to respond to, or just..... someone on the edges. the fringe friend. and with online friends i am, i absolutely am, worse than anything. im something to pity and tolerate when the real time is spent having fun with their actual friends and loved ones. i’m nothing to anybody. i know if i just walked away, just closed down discord, blog, wherever else and vanished, nobody would ... i dont know. they’d just shrug, go ‘eh, whatever’ and move on easy and simple. no worry. no concern. and that’s great for them, but i just... want someone to care on principle. its not the guilt trip of the action. it’s the idea of i wish someone would care if something happened to me.

i hate internet friends because i don’t want them to be internet friends. some of the amazing people i know i just wish i could see, whenever i wanted. that i could hang out with them, bring ice cream and bad movies when they’re sad, see and hear them laugh, and have fun, and care. i wish i could just have a big house and my friends could be housemates, or live in the same apartment block, or a fucking little cottagecore farm commune out in the woods where we can all live off the land and each other and grow crops and animals and just be happy. or just... something. something. but i know i’ll never be included in that. everyone else would go. be happy to see each other. just... without me, the ‘not really a friend’, the fucking acquaintance, the stupid, stupid naive little idiot.

i’m so touch starved and sleep deprived and exhausted. my heart always hurts and i’m so full of anxiety and i just. just desperately, DESPERATELY need a hug, and just to be told “bluu, it’s gonna be okay, you matter to me and i care” but you can’t do that when it isn’t actually true. you just can’t. you can’t fake that.

i know nobody would go to bat for me. i’m alone in my own corner. if i have a breakdown, i have to have it alone and shoulder myself because nobody’s gonna be there at my side. i know i’m always gonna be watching from the sidelines, as everyone else is happy, and doing their thing, and has their family and loved ones and i...... shouldn’t even fucking exist.

and i dont want pity. i dont want platitudes or ‘i’m sorry’ or guilt, or ‘i would but...’ or any of that shit. nobody’s supposed to feel bad over this. i’m not in the business of toxic guilting, and im not in the business of fake friendships. that would defeat the purpose of literally anything.

i just...... really wished i had someone who would hold me up and (platonically or romantically. anything.) go “this one! This is the one I want to keep around for as long as possible, please. i want this one.” 

and no matter how hard i wish and pray, that’s just something i’ll never have, and i know it.

[humankoalaa]

anissa pierce.

i want to try and breakdown not just thundergrace but anissa specifically. you don’t have to agree or anything but if your going to respond please don’t attack.

ill start with anissa.

okay. anissa is the simplest most complex character on the show to me. calling her a fuck girl means you don’t understand her character at all. anissa is driven by emotion. she is so passionate about the things she believes in that sometimes the lines are blurred resulting in her making situations worse. but it’s important to understand that regardless of the outcome her intentions are pure. the writers and nafessa do a phenomenal job using expression and little to no dialogue at times to convey the internal and external conflict that anissa is dealing with in that moment. it is up to the audience to pick up on that.

these writers are so good at leaving characters, stories experiences etc open to interpretation because it helps keep the audience engaged. however it’s up to the audience to pick up on that and apply there interpretations to each character.

so yes you can interpret her as a “fuck girl” but at least have a valid argument as to why she is one because saying she can’t handle a relationship or be honest with her intentions are a reach being that you’re looking at it from a one dimensional aspect. we the audience knew what she was going through especially in season one. anissa developing and learning how to use her powers were NEVER about her. it was about what she could do with them to help others. so again that argument about honesty and intentions i can’t even take serious because i don’t understand how anyone watching this show can say anissa isn’t genuine in everything that she does.

now im gonna touch on two specific conversations from season 1.

those two conversations literally paint a picture so clear it’s annoying. when you take into account the conversation where grace says being a hero would be lonely and you’d have to hide everything from people you love. anissas facial expression and response was meant for the audience to understand that with all the chaos and confusion that was her life that was the moment she realized the sacrifices outweighed the benefits resulting in a change of heart for a moment questioning if this really was the life she wanted. again there was little to no dialogue needed to convey that message because her facial expression was meant to paint a clear picture of someone conflicted and essentially torn between 2 worlds.

now let get to romance.

i will admit initially the chenoa situation and what went down left a sour taste in my mouth until i got a better understanding of anissa. going back to the “fuck girl” slander she is anything but that. chenoa blatantly disregarded Anissa’s attempt to just speak to someone about what was happening with her and her powers. i don’t think she was trying to tell her she had powers but i feel like she just wanted to at least vent. and not feel crazy and the one person who i think she could speak to at the time was only chenoa because no one else knew what she was dealing with. so to ignore the fact that anissa broke a sink with her bear hands and suggests she see a therapist the look on anissas face told the audience everything we needed to know. in that moment the one thing that i agree she selfishly held onto was over.

not because of lack of effort or care but because of chenoas response. i know everyone says she didn’t take the relationship serious etc etc because of the fact that she had never been around anissas friends and family and to me there’s just not enough there to form and accurate argument about the relationship. what we do know is anissa held on selfishly and im going to be honest. if that was the one thing in my life that made sense i would selfishly hold on too. anyone who says they wouldn’t... that’s a lie. she is human regardless of her powers. as humans we tend to exhibit behaviors that dont accurately represent who we are in light of situations not in our control. Is that fair to other parties? no. but fact of the matter is it happens.

now onto grace.

first things first if you’ve seen my other texts posts it’s obvious i love these two together BUT anissa doesn’t and didn’t owe grace anything because they weren’t together. now going back to the two specific scenes i mentioned from season one im going touch base on the second one after grace was attacked. both of those conversations are intentional red herrings meant to be problematic and contradictory. it is meant to get the audience to realize in the face of adversity feelings and opinions etc change as evidently shown through dialogue with grace going from saying “being a hero would be lonely and we’re all just playing superhero’s” to without hesitation agreeing with anissa that if you had the power to take down bad guys you should. in that moment after being attacked she contradicted herself because well now the loneliness and hiding is worth it if it meant saving people from what happened to her that night.

the problematic and contradicting views now force the audience to go back to that initial conversation and current one and apply both sides to anissa. she is problemtatic and contradicting because she is torn between 2 worlds. one where she can do good using her powers discreetly to fight for justice and the community at any means without fearing for her life being that she’s essentially invincible and her loved ones, and another where she can still do good but not discreet resulting in putting herself and the people she cares about in danger.

she never wanted or intended to hurt grace. but i feel like the conversation after grace was attacked played a part in her ghosting grace because she’s even more conflicted. in that moment you can tell through her expression that she realized grace could have been alone when she got attacked and the situation would’ve played out much differently if she wasn’t there and used her powers. she didn’t know how to juggle both worlds. she didn’t feel like she could do enough good if she wasn’t being a hero.

so i feel like she ghosted her because that conversation is when she accepted the things she would have to sacrifice if this was the life she wanted to live. grace was one of those people. had she continued to entertain the idea of a relationship with grace while still dealing with everything she was going through then, it would’ve have been chenoa all over again. so instead she chose to focus on herself, getting her life together learning how to balance regular and vigilante life as opposed to stringing grace along for the sake of having someone. it so simple and obvious when you really pay attention to these characters. she was still learning and growing like she was 22 years old, in Med school on top of everything else that she was going through. removing people whether temporary or permanent had nothing to do with her being selfish and only caring about herself and her own feelings. it had everything to do with protecting the people in the community that she loves. she wouldn’t be able to do that without some sort of period where she tested her strengths, and knew her limits. if she couldn’t control her powers and didn’t know her strengths much like when she punched those boys and was terrified that one died because of how hard she hit him. in that moment she would’ve been just like the people she trying to get off the streets. ignorantly and irresponsibly going through life not being held accountable for their actions.

she simply chose to learn herself so that she could be the hero Freeland needed. it sounds so narcissistic but she genuinely cares about Freeland and the people. it’s not about oh she ghosted grace. or she just wants people at her convenience. no. it’s about the hidden meanings and reasonings behind why anissas character is the way that she is and does the things that she does. you have to pay attention to notice the little things because they are the most important parts of what makes anissa so special. she cares too much and its one of her biggest flaws simply because again she is driven by emotions resulting in her reacting as opposed to thinking things through. this character is just so special and as frustrating as she can be at times, shes self aware enough to know she didn’t have the time for a relationship because of what she needed to do for herself and in her eyes the community. if sacrificing parts of her life for others makes her a fuck girl then .... lol.

[spirit-shroud]

v long vent post under the cut, some advice would be really nice right now

my mom is a narcissistic, soul-sucking, god awful person with no sense of humanity, only money. she has a very rich(!!) boyfriend right now who lives in north carolina and has a very big house and is very nice, allegedly, and upon visiting his gigantic house and learning just how much money he makes, she decided her best next step was to straight up fake a house foreclosure, and casually tell me we're going to sell everything we own and pack up and move to north carolina with him in another three months. she also cancelled our health insurance so I can't continue my hormone replacement therapy or even get regular therapy, which i've desperately needed now for the past three years more than ever.

i told my sister and brother in law about this and they agreed to let me stay there, they said they'd try to get me on their insurance and i wouldnt have to worry about things like rent/getting a job or anything until i felt ready. that was the plan. i'd be able to move in with them in early june, and i'd be able to start getting back on my feet. i planned on getting my GED, getting a big headstart on my game, and going to school in NY to get a business/marketing degree (though i've also been very interested in becoming a robotics engineer as well for a few reasons). but of course, some issues came up

first off, my mother magically doesn't have the money to let me be able to visit them later in april, which is when we would've finalized moving plans anyways. which, seeing how everything else has been going, i'm going to chalk up to being a lie, and another means of keeping me trapped with her.

second off, my biological father is dying, apparently -- nobody will tell me any specifics on how or why. i don't know how much time he has left or what he even has. my sister wanted me to go visit him with her except here's the thing. i dont know my dad at all. i see him two days or less per YEAR. he has never once called me, nor texted me though he has my number. he doesn't contact me ever through skype/discord/social media even though he has access to all of those things. he doesn't send christmas cards or come visit or anything. he's a stranger to me. even when i send the first message its rare i get anything back.  he has all the tools to try and come into my life and be a father -- and i’d love him to! he’s been invited at several points! -  except he has never once tried. however, he'll talk to my sister all the time. i've been told they're on the phone lots and while i'm very glad that SHE gets to see him, i don't have that. i don't want to start that if he won’t. i told her i didn't want to pay him a visit now that he doesn't have much time left because he's a stranger, and i really don't think she understood what that meant because she's on the opposite end of the spectrum. he's her father, but not mine. and after our last talk about it, i'm so afraid to try and talk to her again. she's probably in a lot of pain over the whole thing and i just feel nothing towards him. hes a stranger!! he's not my dad and honestly what's been making me feel much worse about it all has been everyone like 'well he's your dad you SHOULD be caring' but i just dont! i can’t even FAKE any feelings for the guy. if he WANTED TO TRY HE WOULD'VE BUT HE DIDN'T. its like i just don't exist to anyone.

which leads me to another point of problems too that i've been really heavily realizing lately. everyone knows about my sister. she graduated college with like a 3.9 average or something and a fancy degree in biology and she has a stable job at a really cool lab doing what she loves. she's getting married soon. she's the only one my mom ever talks about to people. my sister. she's successful and my mom is so proud of her. most people don't even know she has a second child because im a dropout and im disabled and im trans and i'm too distant and unloveable and don't care enough about myself or others. people confuse me with my sister and when i introduce myself, they look confused. they've never heard of me. my mom only has one child. i'll never stand up to her. i'll never have that same light that she has because i'll never be able to follow my dreams. my mom tells me so often i'll never be her because im lazy and bad and stupid and all im ever good at doing is putting things off. and she words it like that, too. you'll never be like her. you'll never be successful. you're just going to live at home forever with me and you'll never get better. its a mantra. a haunting, crippling mantra. i'll never be her because she was just better, and able to run away to college at 18 and dropped all contact with us for years. she's better because she escaped. she's better because she's not me. i've surpassed living in her shadow. we're not even family. i'm a different species compared to her and that's all i'll ever be. what can i say except i'm jealous and i'm angry and so so worried about getting invested into anything?

and i'm just so afraid of finally moving, and saying one wrong thing, or slipping back into my old dumb habits, my old disorders, lazy streaks, my dumb breakdowns and finding myself out on the streets when my health is already so sketchy, or having to live in some strange house with some strange guy and that woman, the bitch who drove me to hate myself. both aren't good options. both aren't reasonable. there isn't a good choice and i know its my fault that it has to be like this because i let her get to me along the way, its my fault i believe my mother every time she screams at me i'm not good enough and that i'm the reason she's hurting too much to work or clean or do anything. its my fault i've been having panic attacks daily. its my fault im jealous and don't have any family. im worthless and useless and lazy and horrible and nothing i ever do will matter because nobody wants me. ive been getting hesitant on following my own dreams of writing or making a game or letting other people in on the things i want because i know i'll just fail. she was right. she's been right all along.

and even at the time in my life where i could get away from her, she's managed to block the path. i dont even want to live right now. honest to god the thought's been crossing my mind constantly. i don't know what to do anymore. im stuck here. there's nothing i can do. she won. that's all there is to it. she won.

[themanyfacesofkat]

Just a “small” vent

I hate it when I’m brushed off as if my problems mean nothing, my step brother just always HAS to have it worse than me.

I was talking with him earlier and I don’t remember why but I was prompted to say “I have severe anxiety” because I DO. It’s mostly for social situations, of course I have anxiety about other things like grades and doing good, but my MAIN hangup is social situations.

Immediately he invalidates it by saying “at least you don’t have anxiety as bad as me” then proceeds to tell me about how he’s anxious about everything and the general fear of fucking up. He could have said that without fucking brushing me off as if my problems didn’t matter.

I know he probably didn’t really mean it like that but it hurts. It fucking hurts.

I’m worried that I annoyed several people into stopping communication with me

I’m still hung up over something stupid and disgusting I said in third grade and how it effected that person’s view on me even though its possible they dont even remember it

I’m still hung up over a small tantrum I threw in fourth grade because I didn’t fucking understand how to play scrabble

Whenever I talk about one thing in particular for an extended amount of time I’m worried I’m boring the other person

Whenever I go on a tangent I’m worried the person’s not happy I began talking about something unrelated to what we were previously talking about.

I’m worried I’m being too loud or too quiet

If I’m talking to someone I feel the need to respond as soon as humanly possible and I feel bad if I have to tell them I’m busy doing something at the moment

Whenever someone’s flirting with me I just feel like they have some ulterior motive

For some reason I’m convinced the former friend I have who’s now in Germany is still mad at me for “fucking up” a toxic relationship he had with two of my other friends even though I haven’t spoken to him since high school and our mutual friend tells me he’s indifferent towards me

I feel bad when I take a long time to type shit because often times people think I’m about to go on a full on fucking rant, I’m not, I’m just trying to figure out how to say something properly and I take a while to think. I use the time to type as thinking carefully over my words, something I’m unable to do IRL because when I talk it’s near unfiltered

I had a fucking breakdown in the car while trying to learn to drive because I was so stressed out from seven minutes behind the wheel because I was going too slow, my step mom paniced and grabbed the wheel when she thought I was too close to the edge, I didn’t even want to be there

I’m concerned that my method of making friends is fucking weird when it’s observing how a particular group or person acts, determining if my general personality is compatible with theirs, and acting in a manner that helps me properly mesh with the dynamic until I find a way to comfortably exsist within it

I’m worried I’m too inconsistant with how I act and behave, it’s erratic depending on who I’m talking to, what time of day it is, how I’m feeling, and what room I’m in. I’m much nicer at night while in the morning I’m borderline homocidal and during the day it can swing either way, my dynamic with the person in question matters too.

I’m still hung up over sophmore year when I had to call my dad to come get me and ditched my date at prom because I didn’t want to be there in the first place but he was the friend of a friend and his promposal was in front of a large window while kids were coming into the school and the rest of the rotunda had people going along and the rest of my friend group was there so I felt like I had to accept and he went off to hang out with friends because I was boring while I was left sitting at a table alone because I literally didn’t know anyone else there and wasn’t having any fun and thus led to me adamantly refusing to go to my own Junior and Senior prom.

I’m convinced I’m a shitty sister, friend, daughter, aquaintance, I don’t know how people stand me, I’m annoying as shit, I’m violent, a terrible talker and conversationalist, I don’t even know how I have friends at this point, it’s a mystery. Maybe I’m the friend people just tolerate because they feel bad for me

People in school were always surprised that I knew how to swear and be loud, meanwhile immediate family was always surprised when I shut the fuck up for more than five minutes.

My art’s not good, I’m ugly as shit, my grades are shit, I’m 87-90 pounds, I’m weak, I’m too emotional, not emotional enough, not exhibiting the right emotion or behavior and a particular thing, my sleep schedule is broken, my opinions might be wrong, people are watching me, everyone will remember everything I do, am I coming off as a narricist? Am I coming off as a know it all? Am I talking about myself too much? Am I annoying them? My writing’s shit, I’m singing wrong, I forgot, I don’t put in enough effort, I’m a functioning disaster, am I not being clear enough? Did I accidentally upset someone? I lost track of time, I fucked this up for this person and it’s my fault. The instructor/professor forgot I needed help again? Do I need help too much? Do I ask too many questions? Am I a terrible person? Did I make the wrong choice? I’m not worth it.

I’m my worst critic, I critically judge every single thing I do and tell myself I can do better, I can be better, I’m not supposed to fuck up. While I’m in the process of fucking up, I am 100% aware of what I’m doing most of the time but I can’t stop it and I don’t know why. I don’t need to hear “mine is worse than yours” when you don’t even know the things that eat away at me every moment I’m conscious.

[da-vulture-boi]

VENT/MOTIVATION RANT

I get so depressed sometimes i think about dying. What keeps me alive? What tells me no?

When i was little, my favorite pet died and i had a mental breakdown. A family friend gave me a stuffed ladybug. I named him Pom Pom. Now, it sounds silly right now, but wait. I was autistic. My autism made me unable to feel a true connection to people. But i connected with animals and objects. Pom Pom has been with me for about 7 years. He's seen me through my worst four years of my life. He saw me happy, sad, and angry. Everytime, i came back to him.

It doesn't matter who or what it is. If you find something you're willing to live for? Take it.

Whenever i thought of leaving him, i thought about the future for him. Trash. I thought of leaving him early, not being with him enough before he's thrown away. I get sad. I go from numb to sad. I instantly cry. I cant bare to leave him.

It sounds silly. But its true. Its not something weak or weird. Its just the way it is. And theres nothing wrong with that. People grew to love animals, people grew to love smells and food. Drinks and parties. Gifts and colors. We have favorite colors, food, number, everything! Why cant we have a favorite companion. So what if its inanimate. So are colors and food! But we still love them in their own special way! We like the taste, we like the look. Well i like the comfort, feel, smell, and sight of Pom Pom. Who cares if im 18 and carrying around a stuffed animal? Childish? No. It just means im proud enough to love and live my life without care of judgment. I dont care if im 27 and carrying around a stuffed animal, placing him in a seat at a restaurant booth. Who cares? Apparently everyone.

Why is it wrong to love something? Why is it innapropiate to love something? Its just an object! Its not going to hurt you! To me, though? Its my life.

The only thing keeping me alive is Pom Pom. I don't feel anything of people. Not in my dark moments. But i think of him. He keeps me alive. And thats all that matters. You wanna judge? Go back to your hateful life. I dont care what people think. I care of what this can help.

If you're questioning suicide? Don't focus on others reactions. Focus on the far future. Will you be forgotten? Will your stuffed animal be thrown away? Will your siblings be safe? Will your body be disrespected? Will it really help? Will a dead body speak for you?

You need to find SOMETHING to keep you living! Anything, anyone. Something to keep you alive. Whether it be from comfort and love, to hatred and guilt. Whether the reason to live is good or bad. Its a reason to live.

And find one BEFORE you're in the darkness. Once you're there, you probably cant find one. Find something to power you. And LIVE for that!

You are important for your story. Don't stop in the middle of the book. Others wont be able to see the happy ending.

I love you. If no one else does, i love you. Because thats the truth. As soon as you enterbmy life, i care.

Crying is not a weakness. Its a beautiful waterfall that soothes the soul. Cry and feel the weight lift off your shoulders.

Eating will not make things worse. It will make you strong enough to fight these battles with full strength!

Cuts, burns, and bruises are all just a reminder of what you've been through. Stop the hurt so you can look back and see how the wounds fade away. Last as long as you can to watch them fade. Take a breath, and smile.

You made it this far.

You can make it even further. :)