#i thought getting our biggest worry out of the way now that my cat is w a trusted friend would help

[blitz0hno]

I don't want to get off my phone I don't want to stay on my phone I don't want to pump gas I don't want to do deliveries I don't want to get ready for bed I don't want to write anything of substance I don't want to create I don't want to not create I don't want to be here I don't want to go anywhere I don't want to move I don't want to stay still my brain and body seem to simply want to sit here and Yearn

[lana-angel-writes]

Winter’s Kitten

Pairing| Bucky Barnes x reader (gender is not really specified)

Summary| Bucky comes home from the market with a very unexpected but adorable surprise.

Warnings| Absolutely none- Just some random cute fluff

Materlist

Today was a very cold winter day in brooklyn and you had sent bucky out to get more bread from the corner market. It started snowing when he left, which was thirty minutes ago, and it was getting really thick and windy. You were starting to get worried, what if something happened to him? You decided to give it ten minutes until you were going to call him and make sure he wasn’t in trouble. Just as you were about to go to get your phone the door to your shared apartment opened. When Bucky walked through the entry he was covered in snow from head to toe, with a grocery bag in his hand. But what you also didn’t miss to notice was the abnormal lump coming off of his abdomen. “Hey doll, sorry it took me so long, the weathers really getting bad out there.” You stood in front of him speechless did he not think you noticed the now moving lump under his coat. “Buck, what's under your coat?” One thing you always found cute about Bucky was that he couldn’t lie to you. The give away signs were that he couldn’t look you in the eyes, and he’d blush. And right now the big super soldier in front of you looked like a schoolgirl with a crush. “Well, I uh, found her outside on my way back from the market, she doesn’t have a home doll.” As he unzipped his coat a ball of white fluff appeared. “Baby, is that a cat?”,”Yeah.” As soon as Bucky spoke the cat started to move, she tried to crawl up his chest but ended up snuggling back into his arms. Now that she adjusted you could actually see the cat's features,she had big bright blue eyes and tiny little ears.You could now totally understand why he couldn’t leave her behind. She was adorable and the way she looked at you just made you want to melt. “So what do you think of her doll? Can we keep her?” You had no idea your boyfriend could look so innocent, he was giving you the biggest puppy dog eyes with a pout on his lips. How could you ever say no to him or the adorable cat. “Of course we can keep her, Buck.” You couldn’t help but chuckle at the pure excitement on his face and as if the cat knew she had just found a permanent home she jumped out of Bucky’s arms and started to inspect the cozy apartment. After Bucky took off his jacket and boots he pulled you into his arms. “Thank you doll.” Instead of answering him you pulled your head off of his chest to kiss his stubbled jaw. Bucky moved his head down to give you a proper kiss and right before your lips touched there was a loud crash in the living room. "Well I better go check what that was.", "Yeah, I think that's a good idea,Buck."

Later that night when you and Bucky were settled down in bed, he asked “What about alpine.”, “What do you mean Buck?”, “For our new addition to the family.” You loved how easily Bucky said ‘family’ . You felt honored and proud that you were able to keep that special place in his heart.Since Bucky was the one who brought the cat home you thought that he should have the honor of naming her. “I think that's perfect, baby.”

Just after Bucky went to sleep a certain fluffy white cat decided she was going to sleep right on Bucky's chest. You couldn’t help the smile that came across your face, the sight of a man, most are afraid of cuddling with a little cat, was so wholesomely adorable. You were glad that Bucky brought home your new addition to your little family.

[zestrya]

maybe we could kiss tonight?

you and your best friend kiss, but... that's a joke right? no way they like you back... right?

pairing:: yelan, yae miko, hu tao, heizou, al haitham x gn!reader (separate)

cw:: none; sugestive theme, ambiguous relationship, reader is a scaredy cat (hu tao), modern!au (heizou), betting..? (heizou).

notes:: got a little excited while writing heizou's and yae's and things got a little out of hand.

al haitham

you could feel your brain sizzling in real time as you stared at the blank questionnaire laid upon your desk, to make matters even worse, al haitham seemed to be burning holes into your face, probably wondering how you could even be considered a scholar when you weren't even able to solve such questions without help.

you sighed, which he followed, already knowing what you'd say next.

“look, this is im—” you were cut off.

“impossible for you? quite possible, though from my point of view it just seems like you're far too distracted to even understand the meaning behind the question.” he pointed, bluntly.

you desired to slap him at least once, still, you knew he was right.

of course you were distracted, your biggest crush, who also doubled as a long term friends, was there sitting beside you, so close that you were even able to bask in his warmth, to the point you wondered if it was really necessary.

then he finally shifted at his seat, but instead of going back into his own space like you thought he'd do, he leaned even closer to you, fingers resting on your chin, lifting it until your eyes met.

“what? scared of something?” he laughed at your face, gaze going from your widened eyes to your lips.

his face came closer and closer, until finally your lips met, a quiet sigh escaping his lips as you melted into his touch.

you two separated and you chuckled as he kissed you on the cheek before getting up.

“consider a gift for trying so hard, i'll go for now, but i hope for results in our next study session.”

you nodded absent-minded, thinking about what your supposedly best friend did and what kind of hidden meaning it could have, failing to notice the deep blush reaching his ears as he turned to go back to his own work.

hu tao

your best friends was... odd, in the best of the days, that is.

most of the people considered her batshit crazy, actually, and you couldn't help but agree most of the time, and now was unfortunately one of those times.

she had dragged you along into and expedition of sorts, to which the meaning you weren't even sure as all she told you was something along the lines of: there's a mystery hiding at those mountains.

it was already the second day in that hellish place and you almost felt like fainting every time an inhuman shadows appeared around you with the rustling of the trees.

“hu tao, should we really be here?” you whispered, to which she shushed you.

“don't worry, now be quiet.” her voice was barely louder than a whisper and you couldn't help but groan, wishing to go away quickly.

your walk continued for nothing more than a few minutes before you stopped on your tracks afted hearing a whisper of your name, looking back into the strange forest.

“hey, hu tao, did you perhaps set a prank on me? this is not funny.” but when you looked at the direction you friend was supposed to be you saw nothing but a dim path.

you almost felt like crying, yet you followed the path diligently hoping you'd find her somewhere along the way, but as you walked the place just seemed darker and darker, even the sounds of the leaves rustling sounding more and more like monsters and ghosts.

and then you felt something brushing against your arm and you shrieked in horror, tears blooming in your eyes instantly.

“[name]!?” you heard hu tao voice yelling from a distance and soon she was seen coming out from behind some trees.

you sobbed as she hurried to your side, her hands grasping into your arms and looking for any injury, eyes roaming over your shaking form.

“why did you leave me behind?” you muttered, leaning into her shoulder, feeling your knees getting weaker by the second.

“sorry [name], there was something trailing behind us so i went to take a look, i just didn't expect you'd fall behind so quickly.” she pouted, clearly feeling wronged.

but as she saw you said nothing in response and just clung even more to her, she hugged you back, not minding the tears staining her clothes, looking up to the darkening sky and then back at you.

“c'mon, my mission here is over, let's get back and i'll treat you to something good.” she patted you twice and you slowly let go of her and wiped your tear stained face.

before you could nod, however, she planted a soft kiss on the corner of your lips, pulling you by the hand shortly after, leaving you no time to process it as she hopped back dragging you along.

shikanoin heizou

the lights on room where dim as you seated across from heizou, the game board spread over the desk as he looked seriously into your eyes.

“now [name]... will you admit it? i have all the clues i needed to solve my case.” his voice was impassive.

a smirk stretched into you face as you rolled your eyes.

“oh, do you have it now?” you scoffed and his eyes thinned. “why don't you try it then?”

the glares contest went by barely a second before he said his verdict.

“entrance hall, chandelier and purple.” you shrugged as you saw him taking the little box with the real case.

a frown settled in his face as he looked over the three cards and a smile spread over your features.

“so..?” you ask, already fully aware of his response.

“i fell right into your trap.” he sighs before putting the cards back in the box. “your guess?”

“bathroom, chandelier, purple.” you spread your three cards over the desk, at the same time he does it, showing both of your clues, the "hall" card being in among your own.

taking the box in hand, you reveal the cards, showing that you were right once again.

“seems like i won again.” you tut at him as he sighs. “really, from a future detective I'd expect more of you.”

he slump over the chair, offering no real answer.

“so, what's your wish for this round?” he ask, already getting his phone and wallet.

you looked at the right corner of the desk, a single earring and a twenty dollar bill there already.

“aw, c'mon, it's no fun to just spend your money, besides, I'm no leech.” you pout and he let out a bitter laugh, putting his wallet back in place. “hm... how about a kiss?” you send him your sweetest smile, awaiting a reaction.

however, different from your expectation, he doesn't blush or avoid your eye contact, instead smiling back at you as he get up from his chair.

he easily bend over and holds you gently by the neck.

“may i?” heizou's voice is barely a whisper and you unconsciously nod in response.

his lips meets yours and you're able to feel him smiling into it, the touch only last a few moments, yet it leaves a sweet after taste that you're unable to forget even as he leaves you to raid your kitchen for a much needed after gaming snacks.

“now that's what i call a rewarding punishment.” you're barely able to hear him whisper as he pass by you, smirk still on his features.

yae miko

you brushed yae's tail with utmost care as she rested in your lap, her eyes scanning the book right in front of her at leisure.

as you put her first tail down to start brushing the second, she flapped it right on your face, the flurry tip wiggling right under your nose.

“ah! hey!” you grabbed her tails, looking into her eyes, seeing the michievous smile she wore. “i'll stop brushing it if you don't stop.”

her smirk instantly turned into a pout and then she sighed, finally laying down again so you could continue.

“you're no fun.” she muttered loud enough for you to hear, but you paid no attention.

“but you still invite me to brush you everytime, don't you?” you shrugged and she finally got her attention back to her book.

time continued to stretch lazily, until you finally were done and put her tails down, giving a little pat on the head, a thing you knew she hated, her ears twitched at the touch and she sent you a glare, before getting up.

“took you long enough.” she fakes a disappointed expression, to which you scowl.

“would've finished sooner if you didn't bother me so much.” she laugh at your irritation, clearly not affected.

you stretch to pick the book she left by the floor, reading some sentences in passing.

“you're trying your hand at romance now?” you pass by a few pages, some sentences catching your attention.

“the mystery one wasn't selling as well this month.” she responds, uninterested as she goes to her bookshelf, looking for some reference.

before you know it, you're too caught up by the plot, not even minding as the pink haired woman tries to catch your attention back, looking at her for a split second, before going back to the thickening tension between the two protagonist.

she huff by your side, arms draping over your shoulders as she skimps over the part that caught your attention so much, giving off a malicious laugh by your neck.

“they'll kiss in the next page.” she blurt and you look at her with exasperation. “in the next chapter she'll discover he was cheating.” you turn, quickly trying to cover her mouth.

“hey, stop it!” you were almost over yae as you tried to stop her from giving you anymore spoiler.

then, suddenly, she grabs both of your wrists in one hand, her back hitting the floor as she hugged you by the waist with a single arm, he voice filled with a joyful warmth rare of her usual self.

“i'll stop, but only if you give me some attention.” you felt a blush creeping up your ears as she gave a curt peck at the inside of your wrist. “just for a moment, alright?”

her voice was lazy, dawned out as if she was in a gleeful state, and you couldn't help but go along with her wishes, releasing your weight as you fully fell down onto her.

she adjusted into a comfortable position, giving quick kisses to your nape, cheeks and when you were about to huff a “too clingy” she pressed her lips into yours, not even giving you time to be surprised as she happily continued her unusual grooming session.

your sighed, letting her do her thing, not even aware of how much her heart was racing just from being beside you in such a calm moment.

yelan

you were damn tired, being awake for more than 36 hours now, just hoping the caffeine on your system wouldn't fuck you up too bad once you woke up the next day — or the next time you went to sleep, who archons knows when will it even happen.

the pile of papers didn't seem to decrease even as you worked tirelessly on it, hands already numb from how long you were in that office running through the latest documents yelan got her hands into, though, you'd say robbed is a more accurate word.

suddenly the door opened and yelan herself walked in, as composed as ever until she spotted you in the dim corner of the office.

“[name]? already here at this hour?” she didn't think twice before going into your direction, arms wrapping around your shoulders.

“i think you mean, still here.” you patted her hands twice before going back into your work, but she stopped you before you could even get the pen.

“wait, don't tell me you're since yesterday?” she caught your face in her hands, eyes locked on yours so you wouldn't dare lie to her. “did you at least sleep?”

you avoided her eyes only for her to frown and then you sighed.

“i took a nap..?” she made a displeased face. “i'll sleep after i finish these, i'm almost—” and before you could continue your reasoning she picked you up, lifting you on her shoulder as if you weighed nothing.

“finishing? bullshit, look at that pile of papers, you'll die before you're even able to reach half of it.” her voice was low, clearly pissed at your behaviour.

you sighed and gave up, letting her drop you down into the makeshift bed she made out of a few chairs, along with her own coat.

she sat down beside you, eyes locked on yours as she seemed to wait for you to fall asleep.

“really, what'd you do without me in your life?” she sighed faux mockery, and you felt the urge to roll your eyes, but then you grinned, michievous thought running over your sleepy mind.

“not even a goodnight kiss, hun?” you waited for her reaction before you could brush it off as a joke.

but contrary to what you thought she smiled and placed a chaste kiss on your lips.

“if that's what you need to sleep, now behave and tomorrow i might even offer you a good morning one.” she got up from her seat and went out of the office, only her shadow under the doorframe letting you know she'd stand guard in there until you woke up.

against your better judgement, you ignored the fact that your best friend, and crush, just kissed you and said she'd do it again, and let sleep take over your mind.

[purrincess-chat]

In Breakable Heaven CH1

It's @ladrienjune yall!

And I know what you're all thinking

But I finally wrote something! One chapter of a thing. For now, but more will be coming, I promise! As I mentioned previously, I am moving for the next couple weeks, but I will hopefully have some down time to write here and there. I also still need to plan the ending for this fic, but shhhhh that's future Cat's problem ;) Anywho, here's the beginning of a Ladrien secret-dating adventure. Enjoy~

This chapter covers days 6, 7, and 8 (social media, jealousy, and biggest fan respectively).

Read on AO3

Rating: G

Summary:

When Adrien wins a contest on the Ladyblog, he catches the attention of Ladybug herself and scores more than just an opportunity to hang out with her. Caught in a fever dream high, the two lovebirds try to navigate their budding relationship away from the public eye and find that keeping secrets is a lot harder than they anticipated. Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes, what doesn't kill them makes them want each other more, and they'll do whatever it takes to stay in breakable heaven.

Chapter 1

“You Play Stupid Games, You Win Stupid Prizes”

“Alright, Bugheads, now onto the big announcement! With summer holidays coming up, I thought it would be a fun time to host a little contest, and ask the question: How well you know our resident superheroine? I’ve created a quiz that only the most die-hard fans will be able to pass because the stakes on this one are high. The person with the highest score will get to spend an afternoon with Ladybug! And don’t worry, this was approved by the head bug herself! Details for entry are listed below. Best of luck to all of you, and don’t forget to stay connected!”  Alya’s cheery lilt ended on Adrien’s computer screen, and he leaned back in his chair.

“A whole afternoon with Ladybug?” He swooned.

“What’s the big deal? You already spend every afternoon with her.” Plagg hovered over Adrien’s head with a wedge of cheese.

“Yeah, when we’re fighting bad guys,” Adrien said pointedly. “She never wants to spend time with me outside of work. This could be my chance to finally see a movie with her.”

“What’s the appeal of seeing a movie anyway? You just sit next to each other in silence for several hours. The only plus is the buttery popcorn with its salty, crunchy, oily goodness...” Plagg shoved the cheese into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully for a moment. “On second thought, why don’t you and I go see a movie? I’m much better company.”

Adrien rolled his eyes and clicked the leaderboard in the comments of Alya’s post. Someone had already gotten a decently high score on the quiz, only a few points away from perfect. A few scrolls down, the same username popped up again, and Adrien’s grip tightened on his mouse.

ladybugsfuturebf: Good luck beating my score! Only Ladybug herself could score higher. Can’t wait to spend one-on-one time with her on our date!

“Who does this guy think he is? A date? Ladybug’s future boyfriend? Before me?” Adrien scoffed.

“Need I remind you, the contest is to win a chance to hang out with her, not date her,” Plagg said.

What kind of flowers do you think she likes? Oh, wait! I already answered that on the quiz! She’s gonna be so impressed she’ll forget all about Chat Noir.

Adrien’s teeth ground together. There was no way such a boastful, arrogant person was in the lead. And forget about him? Please, he was Ladybug’s best friend! No one knew her better than him. He could ace that quiz in no time.

“What are you doing?” Plagg sighed as Adrien clicked the entry form.

“Oh, come on, Plagg. I can’t let that guy win! If anyone is going to win a date with Ladybug, it’s me! I know her better than anyone,” Adrien said.

Plagg floated down in front of his face. “And you don’t think it’s going to be a problem if you get a perfect score? Let’s just broadcast to the world that you’re Chat Noir!”

“I’m not that dense, Plagg.” Adrien waved him out of the way. “I’ll sign up with a fake email and username. No one will ever know Adrien Agreste won.”

Pursing his lips, he tapped the keys of his keyboard in thought on the account creation screen. He needed something inconspicuous, but not too mysterious. Something that wouldn’t be surprising when Chat Noir revealed himself as the winner, but also, not something that would be a dead giveaway that it was him. He didn’t want Ladybug to disqualify him for cheating. Besides, he wasn’t really cheating. There were no rules that her best friend and partner couldn’t enter…

He’d keep it simple but on brand — thecatsmeow had a nice ring to it, and it was surprisingly not taken. Now that his account was squared away, he just had to pass the quiz. 40 questions? Piece of cake.

What is Ladybug’s favorite color? Easy, pink.

Favorite musical artist? Jagged Stone.

Eye color?

It was almost sad how easy the questions were, and before he knew it, he’d finished. Adrien sat back as the site tabulated his score, and Plagg came to a rest on the top of his chair. A perfect score flashed on the screen, and Adrien shot up with a whoop.

“Yes! Take that ladybugsfuturebf!” he cheered.

“Don’t you think Ladybug is going to be mad when she finds out you won?” Plagg asked.

“Oh, come on. If anything, this just proves how much I pay attention. She’ll be impressed that I know her so well,” he said. At Plagg’s skeptical expression, Adrien sat back down. “And she’s not going to have a choice because I won fair and square.”

“You’re delusional.” Plagg floated off.

Adrien shrugged it off, smiling at his username at the top of the leaderboard. He was finally going to get that movie date with Ladybug! Nothing was going to sour his mood.

***

The next day, Adrien arrived at school as usual, shutting the door to his silver town car without a second thought. After winning the date with Ladybug, he was on cloud nine, imaging how romantic it would be in the dark theater. Maybe he’d pick a horror movie and hold her when she got scared. Oh! And their hands could brush as they both reached for popcorn at the same time! Entering the contest was the best idea he’d ever had.

“There’s no way it’s not him. Chat Noir totally won the contest,” Alya said as he entered the classroom.

Adrien stopped in his tracks. Okay, maybe not his best idea, but it was fine because he used a fake account. There was no way they traced it back to him.

None of them paid him any mind as he took his seat beside Nino, who was tapping his chin in thought.

“But why would Chat Noir need to enter a contest to spend time with Ladybug. He spends like the most time with her out of everyone,” Nino said.

“It’s so obvious. He’s been trying to get her to go to the movies with him for like ever, and now she has to say yes,” Alya said.

“Shouldn’t that be against the rules or something?” Marinette asked. “I mean, they spend so much time together, of course he’d know all the answers.”

“I’m willing to allow it because I think it’s really funny, and I don’t mind being Chat Noir’s wing woman.” She shrugged.

“Alya!” Marinette gasped.

“What? I want them to get together. Sue me.” Alya giggled.

“Hey, didn’t all the contestants have to have valid accounts to enter? What’s the name on the email address for the username that won?” Nino asked.

Adrien stiffened.

“Way ahead of you,” Alya said. “I looked right after the results posted, but the email is registered to an obvious alias, which further proves that it’s Chat Noir. He wouldn’t use his real name. He may not always look it, but he’s a smart cat.”

He wasn’t sure if he should be offended by that statement or not.  

“Dang, would have been cool if we learned who he was,” Nino said.

Adrien breathed a sigh of relief when they let it drop. Everything was fine, and Alya wasn’t going to disqualify him. He could already taste the popcorn!

“Ya know,” it was Max who spoke up, having stopped midway up the stairs to his desk upon overhearing their conversation, “if you’re interested in knowing who the account really belongs to, I can track the IP address.”

Adrien’s heart shot up to his throat.

“Wait, for real?” Alya perked up.

“That would be totally awesome!” Nino added.

Maybe it would be fine. His father paid for crazy firewalls to protect his design secrets. No way anyone could get through them… Right?

“I recently upgraded Markov’s tracking capacity. I can crack a low-grade military firewall and find an address with pin-point accuracy,” Max said.

Most of the time, Adrien was amazed at Max’s genius, but today he was terrified of it. Plagg was right, entering the quiz was a surefire way to get him caught!

“Guys, that’s an invasion of privacy! Besides, don’t you think it will be dangerous if it is Chat Noir? I mean, exposing his identity will lead Hawkmoth right to his door. You’re practically handing him his Miraculous,” Marinette, his sweet pig-tailed savior, said.

Adrien cleared his throat and turned around, “Yeah, Marinette’s right. I think it will cause more trouble than it’s worth.” For him specifically.

“Chill out, I’m not going to post it online or anything. I just think if we knew who he was we could help him. I can be the girl on the ground, and I can also give him tips to fix his pitiful attempts at flirting with Ladybug,” Alya said.

Pitiful! Oh, she was definitely getting snubbed next time she asked for an interview.

“Alya, it’s dangerous and wrong. Even if he entered the contest for selfish reasons, that doesn’t mean you can invade his privacy like that.” Marinette chided. “Promise me you won’t look into it. It would put all of you and him in danger.”

Alya pursed her lips, exchanging glances with Max and Nino before slumping in her seat.

“Fine, I won’t look into it,” she said.

“Good,” Marinette said as Mlle. Bustier entered and called for everyone to find their seats.

Adrien turned back around, breathing out a ragged sigh. That was close, but it had all worked out in the end. He’d have to stop by the bakery later and buy a caseload of chouquettes to thank Marinette. Her level-head really saved his hide.

As the day wore on, Adrien pushed the morning’s conversation from his mind, though he had a feeling Plagg would give him an earful about it later. It would all be worth it when he and Ladybug finally went on their date. Could he get cherry blossoms this time of year? They were just barely out of season, but he could probably pull a few strings.

He pulled out his phone to check as he entered the library, and he’d almost found a promising listing when he rounded the corner and found Alya and Max crowded around a laptop at a table. Ducking back behind the bookshelf, he strained his ears to listen.

“His firewall is surprisingly good, it may take me a while to crack,” Max was saying.

“But you can definitely get around it?” Alya asked.

“Of course, what do you take me for?” Max scoffed.

They were going through with it after all! Adrien’s heart sped up, his palms growing shaky and sweaty. He should go over to their table and call them out for going back on their word, but would it be suspicious if he got onto them? Why would he be so bent on keeping Chat Noir’s identity secret unless he was Chat Noir? This was bad! What should he do?

Adrien bolted from the library, peering out over the railing at the courtyard below. Marinette was sketching quietly on a bench, and he raced to her side. She looked up at him with wide eyes, recoiling back with a nervous smile, probably in response to how desperate and deranged he looked, but there was no time to worry about that.

“Marinette, we have to stop Alya and Max. They’re in the library trying to crack Chat Noir’s firewall right now!” He panted.

“What?” She abandoned her sketchbook on the bench and took the lead back up the stairs to the library.

She burst through the doors and stormed over to their table, and Adrien did his best to look supportive but not too panicked. Alya winced when she saw them, and Marinette placed her hands on her hips.

“So, you were just going to go behind my back and do it anyways?” She scoffed.

“I’m sorry, girl! But think of how much good we could do if we could team up and help him!” Alya said.

“Think of how much danger you’re putting yourselves in! If Hawkmoth finds out you know his identity, he’ll come after you and your families. What if one of you gets akumatized? You could get hurt. Chat Noir could get hurt or worse!” Marinette said.

“She’s right. You guys shouldn’t go through with this,” Adrien added.

“I’m almost through the firewall,” Max said.

“Call it off, Max!” Marinette ordered.

“Keep going! We’re so close!” Alya pleaded. She turned to Marinette and pressed her palms together. “Look, I know it’s risky, but what if we can help take down Hawkmoth? That’s worth the risk, right?”

“It’s not our job! We don’t have superpowers, and it can put us and the people we love in danger!” Marinette placed her hands on Alya’s shoulders. “Please, stop.”

“Girl, I know you’re scared for me, but I promise I’ll be careful. ‘All that’s necessary for the triumph of evil-”

“That doesn’t apply here!” Marinette shook her head.

“I made it through the firewall!” Max said. “A few more seconds, and I can tell you exactly where he lives.”

Marinette and Alya were at a stand-off, and every clack of Max’s keyboard was a nail in Adrien’s coffin. He didn’t have a choice, but if they were going to find out it was him, he was going to do whatever it took to convince them he wasn’t Chat Noir. He just hoped Ladybug didn’t think he was a total freak afterward.

“It’s me!” He blurted. When Marinette and Alya turned to him with quirked brows, he let out a sigh. “I’m the one who won the contest. I’m thecatsmeow.”

Max’s keyboard went silent, and he turned the screen to face them where Adrien’s home address was flashing. “He’s telling the truth.”

“Whoa, so you’re Chat Noir?” Alya grinned.

“No!” Adrien held up cautioning hands. “I’m just, uhh, I didn’t want my father to know I entered, so I used a fake profile. There’s no way he would have let me go if he knew about it.”

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” Marinette asked.

Adrien rubbed the back of his neck and averted his gaze. “I guess I was just embarrassed. I didn’t want any of you to think less of me.”

“I don’t think less of you!” Marinette assured him. “I-I mean, you won the contest fair and square, and you had every right to enter.”

Alya’s eyes narrowed, and Adrien shrank under her gaze.

“I’m still not entirely convinced. Ladybug and I made some of those questions crazy specific. How would you know she doesn’t like anchovies on her pizza, or that she likes lemon in her tea?” Alya crossed her arms over her chest.

“I… have a lot of money and free time.” He shrugged. “I got a bunch of drone cameras and spy equipment, and I watch her and Chat Noir all the time.” When everyone stared at him with wide eyes, he quickly added, “Not in a creepy way! I just admire her.”

“…You don’t know her identity, do you?” Marinette asked.

“No, of course not! I’d never do something like that.” Adrien shook his head. “I’m just…her biggest fan.”

Alya looked him up and down, her skeptical expression giving way to a smile. “You could have just said something. I mean, you know how freak-crazy I am about all of this. I would have understood.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just used to keeping a lot of my interests a secret because I have my father’s brand to consider — and my father to consider. If he knew what I was doing, he’d put an end to it immediately.” Adrien traced his thumb over his ring behind his back.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about us. Your secret’s safe.” Alya placed a hand on his shoulder with a wink. “Though, I may need to borrow your drone from time to time as payment.”

“Alya,” Marinette said in a warning tone.

“We’ll discuss the details later,” she said. “And if you ever want to talk Ladybug, I’m always here.”

“Thanks.” He smiled, letting his shoulders relax.

“Though, I am still a bit confused on your logic. I mean, you won the contest, so you were going to have to reveal it was you eventually to claim your prize. What was your plan there?” Alya quirked a brow.

“Uhh, wear a disguise?” Adrien said with a wince.

Alya threw her head back with a laugh. “Well, congrats on winning. I’ll pass the message on to Ladybug that you’re the winner, and we’ll arrange your prize soon.”

“Thanks,” Adrien said.

When the bell rang, Alya and Max packed up, and Adrien breathed a sigh of relief as they headed to their next class. That was way too close, but somehow, he’d managed to convince them. Plagg was going to scold him later.

Marinette fell into step beside him, tugging at her blazer.

“Um, congrats on winning,” she said. “I-I think it’s a good thing you won instead of some weirdo. I mean, if I was Ladybug, I’d be happy you won because it means we’d get to spend time together, and who wouldn’t want to spend time with you?”

Adrien smiled at her. “Thanks. I’m looking forward to hanging out with her. I admire her a lot,” he said. “And thanks for your help earlier.”

“N-n- Mmmhmm.” Marinette nodded.

She fell back to link up with Alya, and Adrien bit back a smile. It wasn’t exactly what he’d planned, but he still got to spend time with Ladybug either way. And who knew? Maybe there would be advantages to her going with Adrien Agreste instead of Chat Noir. At least this way, she couldn’t scold him. Besides, it didn’t matter to him which side she fell in love with, so long as it was him. He couldn’t wait for their date!

[captain-yeet]

How to be Human (Felix x Fem!Reader Oneshot)

Summary: Peace couldn’t always be for forever. The love of your life has been hurt, after he had constantly worried for your safety being in jeopardy. What happens when a man as strong and formidable as a mountain becomes human?

CW: None, hurt/comfort vibes, angst.

Vampires and humans in relationships weren't rare, but uncommon enough that if such a thing were to happen, certain precautions were to be taken.

He'd always worried about me. I'm "small and fragile compared to him", after all. I'd always tell him, "Honey, I'm surrounded by vampires, one of them being you. It's gonna be fine."

I hadn't given much thought to the concept of someone hurting him.

I loved our shared room. It was cozy; Felix was a little bit plain when it came to décor save for some mounted weapons on the wall from his human days circa two thousand-something years ago.

Granted I was no grand interior designer myself. My contributions have been posted plants and one stylized painting of a cat meme done in the same style as Starry Night. Felix grudgingly let me hang that.

It was home. Our home.

I hope he comes home soon. Its supposed to be today. He'd been sent out on a job to look into some weird humans who'd supposedly been spreading the word about vampires in Italy, some odd 20 miles from Volterra.

Sunlight slowly creeped into the room through the curtain, engulfing the room in a gentle golden glow.

A knock brought me out of my calm reverie. Reluctantly, I rolled off the bed and trudged over to the door. Demetri stood there, white as a ghost. There was a faraway look in his eyes that immediately sparked alarm bells in my mind. “Dem, what’s wrong? Where’s Felix?”

Demetri swallowed. “He - I need to tell you something, dear. You’re not going to like this.”

My heart sped up. “Is he - no no, please tell me isn’t dea-”

Demetri grabbed me by the shoulders, his gaze intense. “No. Calm yourself. He is alive, but badly hurt. He wanted me to come talk to you to prepare you for the condition he’s in.”

 “What kind of condition?” I whispered, my mind going to the worst possible scenarios. Did he get burned? A burn was what I considered the worst. His beautiful face that always gave me the biggest smile whenever his eyes met mine.

Wordlessly Demetri held his hand for me to take. “I’ll take you to him now. I can explain on the way.”

My darling mate - my partner, my boyfriend, husband, soulmate -  had been attacked by a gifted vampire that temporarily took away his immortality. I watched him writhe uncomfortably in  a room some guards had set up as a temporary sick bay for him. Demetri and two others in the room who’s faces I didn’t recognize shared lost glances as the once strong vampire moaned and groaned in pain. They swiftly excused themselves, leaving me and Demetri alone with Felix.

 “Felix?” I cried out, moving past Demetri and to Felix’s side. I cupped my hand against his cheek; he was so clammy... Seeing his skin flush with color was so jarring, after being accustomed to his pale skin.

His eyes fluttered, squeezing shut momentarily before brown eyes met mine. Brown. Not red. The familiar vermillion gone and replaced with a woodsy brown. I couldn’t help the sob that left my lips and I pressed my forehead against his. 

 “Cara mia, you don’t need to see me like this,” he rasped. A sickly stench reached my nose and I recognized it was vomit. He’d been vomiting.

 “Well I’m here,” I retorted, softly, pulling back to give him an empathetic look. “Have you eaten? Had water?”

Felix’s brows scrunched. “Uh, water yes,” he replied slowly. “No food.”

He looked past me toward his best friend, the two sharing a long silent exchange.

The cogs were spinning in my head faster than I could keep up with. But I got the jist of the look. Turning my head to Demetri as well, I quietly asked him, “When was the last time he ate?”

Demetri opened and closed his mouth. He couldn’t meet my eyes, instead choosing to continue looking at Felix. “...We hadn’t thought of it, I’m so sorry.”

I loved Demetri. He had been an absolute sweetheart since I began living in Italy with Felix. I considered him a brother. A dear friend. Whenever Felix was away he’d be right there to keep me company, all I had to do was ask when he wasn’t busy. The fury the coursed through my veins at the immortal’s foolishness burned hot in my blood. 

 “He’s been turned human and you didn’t think he’d need to be fed? How long has he been like this?”

 “Y/N,” Felix croaked. I shushed him gently, stroking his face. 

 “How long?” I asked again, my voice cracking.

A short, five second silence filled the room.

 “Three days,” Demetri said so softly I almost didn’t catch it.

 “Three days?” I growled.

That’s it. Absolutely not. I rose to my feet, my hands gliding down Felix’s sweaty arms. “I’m taking him. I will care for him. How could you guys not have thought that maybe after, what, a millennia of immortality he wouldn’t need some kind of nourishment other than water?”

 “Two millennia,” Felix added, “I’m two thousand years old, baby girl.”

 “Darling I love you so much but please, let me handle this.”

I had to think. We had a kitchen in the castle, which had a considerate amount of dust plastered all over the countertops. No fridge. No modern or semi-modern-ish oven to work with. To be fair, only myself and the receptionists were the only humans in the castle that lived for longer than an hour long tour. And the receptionist had lunch breaks. Me, on the other hand, I’d either get lunch or go to the little apartment Felix had purchased for us in the city. 

He wanted us to have privacy to get to know each other, when the bond was first realized.

So I stormed out of the room shouting a command to Demetri to get him some water but not to let Felix drink all of it at once. If it had been days since he ate, he needed food immediately. There was a little sandwich place nearby that I love and adore. A simple footlong should sate him... hopefully. 

                                                              ~~~

 “Here, have this.”

I set the footlong onto Felix’s lap. I didn’t want to upset his stomach with anything too over the top. A simple ham and provolone sub with lettuce, tomato, mayo and honey mustard. Granted I just ordered what I normally get. But regardless, the sandwich would be perfect for his weakened state.

Demetri was openly staring at Felix, watching his every move. Felix looked at the sandwich, then to me, then to Demetri and repeated the cycle, his face turning a shade darker.

If he wasn’t starved like a dog, I’d be gushing over him blushing in embarrassment.

 “Dem stop with the staring,” I scolded him.

He cleared his throat, averting his eyes to the wall in front of him.

Gingerly, Felix picked up the sandwich, eyeing it like it was a small gross creature in his grasp. So much hesitation came with the first bite. While I sat with him I watched him attempt to chew. He had the idea of chewing down - the manners of keeping his mouth closed. He’d seen me eat. He knows how chewing works in theory.

In practice?

It was like watching a five year old try to be polite at the dinner table at a family gig.

After three bites he pushed the sandwich away, wrapping it back up and placing it on an end table next to the bed. I wanted to take away the sadness in him. He slouched in defeat, wrapping his arms around his stomach.

I reached out to wipe away some mayo at the corner of his mouth, giving him a reassuring smile. “It’ll take a bit until you feel a little better,” I informed him.

Felix pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his chin there. “Any word on the location of the one that did this to me?” He asked Demetri. I tried not to let it show he chose to ignore me. Not eating for thousands of years and suddenly needing to had to be a shock to his system...

But still, the way he couldn’t look me in the eyes...

 “I’ll be setting out soon with the twins to retrieve them. I know their location. They will be brought to justice,” he hissed, reaching out to clap Felix on the shoulder, albeit a bit too rough, the now human executioner grunting at Demetri’s hard handed reassurance. 

 “Demetri’s got this, honey,” I added, sharing a worried look with the tracker who had become like a brother to me. “He knows I’ll find a way to kick his ass if he doesn’t.”

Demetri chuckled. Felix didn’t.

A ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

Loud growling from Felix’s stomach interrupted the flow of conversation. 

Shaking his head, Demetri gently squeezed my shoulder with words of comfort before he bid farewell to us, leaving the two of us alone.

 “Let’s get you home, yeah?” I stood up and grabbed his discarded clothes that covered a nearby chair, setting them on the bed in front of him.

Felix slowly grabbed his shirt, taking pause. “If I don’t become immortal again...”

I sat next to him on the bed, replacing the shirt in his hands with my hands. “You will.”

 “But if I don’t.” he snarled, finally meeting my eyes. Tears brimmed in them threatening to spill over. “If, I don’t, I can’t protect you properly. I’m so, so sorry I failed you this way Y/N.”

Now it was my turn to be confused. “Failed me?” I repeated. “How? By becoming human for a little while? This isn’t your fault!”

 “By becoming weak! I promised you the day we confessed our love for each other that I would take care of you. You’re in my world now, embroiled in all the vampire nonsense and the politics, and the danger that comes with it. I need to be my strongest to make sure you’re always well protected and now that I’m mortal I cannot protect you from my kind.”

 “I don’t expect you to bear that weight alone!” I let go to cup his face in my hands, our eyes locked on each others. “We belong to each other, that means both of us protects the other, not just you taking care of me!” I reminded him.

That silenced him for a moment. “So, you don’t feel let down at all by me?”

This was what he was worrying about?

I responded by pressing my lips to his softly, putting as much passion and “I love you so much” energy behind it that I hoped he’d understand what I was trying to convey with my actions. “Not one bit, I breathed against his lips.

Strong arms wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest. I melted into his hold, throwing my arms around his neck, enjoying the sensation of his arms around me. Human or vampire I don’t think I’d ever get tired of his touch. 

Time became obsolete. I don’t know how long we stayed like that for. The sun had dimmed in brightness by the time we pulled away from each other. “Let’s go home, you can eat the rest of that when we get back and I’ll show you some good things about behind human. I plan on taking full advantage of this situation.”

Felix chuckled, wiping the tears from his face and looking at me with so much adoration I was thankful he couldn’t hear my heart falter under his intense, loving gaze. “Say less. Unless it involves the two of us in bed and me making you scream my name over and over again, then please tell me more.”

I threw his coat at his face with a giggle. “Felix!” I gasped, giving him a scolding look. The bastard knew what that kind of talk did to me. A small fire flickered to life that only he could douse.

Despite everything he smirked, knowing exactly what was going on in my mind and body. “You said we should take advantage of the situation. Now I can fuck you without wanting to drink your blood and you expect my train of thought to not go there when you say things like that?”

Oh I hated him and loved him fiercely. “Get dressed. I was talking about like, eating chocolate and things like that. Sleeping, for gods sake!”

 “There’ll be sleeping to come after you do, don’t worry darling.”

 “Get dressed. Now.”

 He put his shirt on and threw the covers off his body, swinging his legs out of the bed. Shaking his head he shimmied into his clothes. “Yes ma’am, what you say goes.”

We walked out of Volterra hand in hand back to our little piece of paradise we call home. I had full faith Demetri will find a way to reverse what’s been done. But for now, it’s time to take advantage and show my previously-a-vampire mate the fun parts of being human. 

[sldlovescartoons]

Summary: Essek has been exploring his personality since he's gone into semi-hiding. Including his feminine side, which spiral into him orchestrating a feast of sorts while The Nein and company are vacationing in Rumplcusp with the help of Jester, Yasha, and Veth. Fluffy fun. R&R!

Dark elf societies are highly matriarchal and thusly built many of it’s standards and customs around what Essek understands to be the more stereotypically feminine. Long hair, lots of jewelry and accessorizing, makeup were pretty standard unless you were poor. In a drow culture to be powerful is to be at least slightly feminine. So of course, from the time he started forming his own ideas, which is to say very young, he’d been rather prone to embracing his masculinity. He refused to wear the dresses gifted to him by suitors from other dens (very gender neutral gowns, normally), he cut his hair short as soon as he thought he could get away with it, he never had more than two piercings in each ear. His mother once said he looked like a poor harlot, but she also said it made him seem very threatening so it was more of a backhanded compliment than anything else. It was just one way for him to rebel, he’d been realizing. The one head of short hair in a court of long hair in complex styles, it’s like he was symbolically waving a flag that screamed ‘I’m a giant heretic’.

Point being, since his decision to go on the run and all the reflection that comes with it, Essek has been indulging his feminine side. He’s been growing his hair out, he’s been crafting and learning to bake with Yasha, and he was even considering getting another piercing to hang some sort of statement piece representative of the Caleb or The Nein! But right now, he was planning his biggest move yet.

In Essek’s experience, one of the ways women provided was by having and commanding the best hunters to get the best food for their Den. If they were of a particularly feminine sort, they might run the kitchen alongside the head chef and likely had a few recipes only they know. He wanted to play with this particular providing instinct, but he had no hunters or hunting abilities, and the only chefs he had ready access to were the cats in the tower. So, the drow went to get advice from one of his best friends, hoping that she might help him figure something out to help him while they were all vacationing together on Rumblecusp. 

“Awh, you want to make Caleb a nice meal like a cute little house wife, that’s so sweet! I don’t think the cats know how cook anything that we’d catch here, but I’m sure we can use the kitchen in the towers to do something super awesome, we can ask Yasha for help, she’s like, super knowledgeable about weird ingredients, Essek. She’d maybe help hunt, to!!!”

He regretted everything. He wanted to throw himself in a black hole, he’d made a mistake.

“I did not say- I said I wanted to indulge in providing instincts-” The dark elf felt his ears trying to flick back in agitation and was barely able to stop them as he felt his face warm. He took a deep breath. “So you’ll help me?”

“Of course! I know lots and lots of places to look, plus I could ask Artie if he knows anyplace- But, really really, we should get Yasha! This is totally her thing, you know. Don’t worry, Essek, we'll hunt down a beasty and help you make a nice tasty meal for everybody to impress your boyfriend.” The little blue tiefling wiggled, grinned, and her eyes sparkled with excitement. 

“Partner, Jester, Caleb is my partner, we aren’t in primary school.” Boyfriend just sounded so juvenile to him. He was a powerful wizard of noble blood, formally of high station, he was over 120 years old, he didn’t have boyfriends, he had partners. 

“Whatever.” Jester waved the complaint away. “Okay, be ready early in the morning tomorrow, I’ll handle everything.”

And off she went.

Well, it was too late now, this was going to happen.

###################################################################

He hated hunting, he hated it so much. He hated it when his father took Verin and him out on a hunt as a rite of passage for male drow, and he hated it now, but at least he had help and at least it was over now. They even had a decent haul of ingredients to work with! Thankfully on their last Aeor trip Caleb taught him how to perform The Amber Vault, so they were able to pack up any meat they gathered while it was fresh. They’d managed to gather some fruits and veggies, and now they just had to get into the kitchen and practice. Experimentation and iteration were a lot more in his comfort zone, so he was eager to get in the kitchen where he’d deserve it more when Yasha and Jester teased him. He’s a grown elven man, he should know how to cook more than he does, but a hunter he is not and it is frankly unfair how much he’s been made fun of today. Essek was also, frankly, excited to see what they could do with what all they caught, which was a lot. Because they didn’t know what would work and cooking a meal in this case means cooking for eleven people because Molly and Caduceus were both here and Veth brought her husband and child.

Rumblecusp was truly a wonder, it’s bizarre magical history meant they could find something from anywhere if they really wanted to, and they did. Provided nothing goes horribly wrong, he was going to provide a feast of exotic meats and fruits that would make his mother eat her fucking headdress. 

  Case and point, and the one the drow was most eager to use: They have dinosaur meat! He wasn’t familiar, but Jester called it a Stegosaurus. They’d taken the legs, a large part of the tail, and part of it’s small intestine (Yasha had insisted on that, he did not know why and it scared him). They’d also killed and vaulted a large pill bug, a bird the size of a large dog, and some strange, big mollusks they’d dived for. This had all the making of a great experiment, at the very least. 

They entered the kitchen unbothered, the others out on the beach and Caleb up in his study/lab coming up with his lesson plans for after Spring Break. But, when the lights in the kitchen magically flicked on as they entered, Veth has sitting on a countertop, one leg crossed over a knee, waiting, like a villain in dramatic stage play, effectively scaring the hell out of him, which Essek is sure was the goal. 

  “Y’all planning a fancy meal?” The halfling rose a brow in silent judgement, triggering Essek’s flight or flight reflex on account of his ‘mommy issues’.

“Were you spying on us?” Essek responded defensively, even though there was nothing to defend, because they weren’t doing anything wrong but some animal part of the drow’s mind swore they were.

“No, my kid was spying on you and told me what he saw.”

Fucksake.

  “Pffttt, don’t worry, Veth, we aren’t doing anything sneaky shady, Essek just wanted to surprise Caleb with a nice dinner for everyone. Isn’t that so sweet, we just had to help him, he’d die in the forest by himself.” Jester answered before he could respond at all. That seemed like a gross simplification of the original intent, but it did seem to be the thing that was happening now regardless.

“You weren’t planning on hoarding the goods for yourself?”

“Wh- no, I wouldn’t- No!” Essek wasn’t babbling and nobody could prove that he was. 

“Well, why didn’t you ask for my help?” Because she didn’t like him and he values remaining unshot? “I’m a former goblin and a sort of homemaker, my knowledge is invaluable here. Good thing I caught you, I’m here to help, Luc said you killed some sort of dinosaur? T-rex Steaks again?”

Yasha was put incharge of butchering the hunts, besides the Pill Bug and Mollusks, which were sealed back away quickly so they wouldn’t sour. Pill Bug was close enough to shellfish to warrant it, he knew that much. That left the rest of them to safety and taste test the scavengings as well as meal plan. The onion-type things they found were safe, but more savory tasting than a regular onion. A fruit that Jester said resembled something called a plantain made his skin tingle when they were doing the pre-tasting skin test but was fine besides that and tasted a bizarre taste between sweet and sour. All the various herbs they’d been deemed safe and identified or given an equivalent identification, but one of the two mushrooms they found were definitely poisonous and Essek was very embarrassed as someone who’s diet was so mushroom heavy most of his life that he’d somehow missed that in the initial finding. There were several fruits that they all seemed to recognize on sight and thus didn’t need to be tested for safety, but he was made to taste for meal planning purposes.

“So, what do you want to do with the Stego, Floaty?” Veth asked him, looking at him like he should have an answer, and he definitely should have one of those, shouldn’t he?

“I’m not sure- I don’t know it’s taste or texture to plan, but it should be like a Giant Lizard, should it not?” The elf was pretty sure he knew some lizard dishes. Sort of between chicken and pork, but with a slightly grainy texture. “We don’t have time to make a stock with the tail, but maybe it would roast well?”

“Maybe for the littler bit at the end of the bit you all took, but what about the rest?” The halfling said pointing to the large tail Yasha was currently skinning with her broadsword when there was a butcher’s block of carving knives right behind her. The cat that Essek recognizes as being in charge of the kitchen was having some sort of feline conniption directly behind her as the sight of a sword being at the use in his kitchen. Caleb would be hearing from the Cat Union, there was no doubt about it. 

“Oh, Oh, I know! Stego appetizers! Stego-tizers! We could chop up the good part of the tail and fry them up chicken tender style, with lots of dipping sauces.” Jester was practically vibrating with excitement at her idea, but Essek’s nose crinkled a bit at the thought.

“Stegosaurus Tenders? That sounds rather…” Don’t say childish, don’t say childish, don’t say childish- ”Undignified?” He didn’t know if that was better or worse.

“It also sounds fucking delicous, we should do it.”

“Oh, but this is Essek’s dinner…” The blue tiefling visibly deflated and Essek wanted to throw himself into the ocean. “I don’t want to step on his thing TOO much.”

“It’s fine, it’s a fine idea, we have lots of food to work with to try for more refined dishes.” He said, folding under the force of disappointing Jester like a wet paper bag. “Besides, this group is such an eclectic collection of peoples, it might be thematically appropriate for this impromptu feast to have a… variety of dishes. Both of type and refinement.” 

“Really?” The sparkle was back in her eyes, and when he nodded his consent she sprung forward and hugged him. “Thank you, Essek! I have even more fun suggestions, if you like that one, but mostly for the deserts-”

His spine definitely cracked with the hug, but he couldn’t deny her the affection. It would be like denying a cloud it’s ability to rain.

“Do we want to go ahead and do the stego-tizers as an early snack sort of thing? Since the rest could take a while and we have so much stuff here.”

“A great idea, Veth, Jester, could I trust you to make a list of sauces? You’re from money, you’re traveled, I’m sure that you could figure out some wonderful dipping sauces.” Part of running a household was effectively using and directing the staff, this was sort of like that. His mother and all his aunts of varying degrees of relation ran the den like a fine tuned machine. He gave the blue tiefling what Caleb called his ‘pretty boy smile’, hoping to convince her of this task so he can keep focus on the tasks at hand. 

“Yes, I tooottally can, I can make them match that theme thing you were talking about! Different places, different sauces! Eclectic! Yeah!” Jester’s tail lashed sound like an excited dog as she whisked herself away to start writing down her ideas.

“Okay, so now that she’s over there, what do you want to do with the rest of your haul? Yasha told me about this stuffed pillbug recipe once, do we want to do a play on that?” Veth said, absolutely locking in. She was a short, murderous angel. No wonder Caleb is so fond of her.

“Yes, I know of a few Pillbug recipes myself, in passing, so that should be very doable.” The halfling’s strangely steady presence bolstered Essek’s resolve and made is easier for him to press forward with confidence and try to stir the situation himself. “We should also have the cats bring out lots of rice, noodles, staple vegetables and the like, since most of these can’t stand on their own. Also, do you think we pull off a rice pudding with those exotic fruits?”

“We have magic, we can do anything.” Not actually an answer, but good enough!

When it was just him and Veth it was surprisingly easy to get the menu ironed out in time to start making the Stego-tenders. Well, Yasha and Veth handled the actual tenders because he found the meat slimy and gross to touch, Essek was helping Jester make dipping sauces. 

“Okay, so, this fruit here sort of reminds me of a tomato, so we are definitely making a Rumblecusp version of that one sauce that I forgot the name of that we had when we were chilling in the Dynasty. It definitely had like ketchup or something like it at the base, so yeah.” Jester rattled off, sitting a bowl and a pestle down in front of him. “While you guy were yap yap yapping, I went ahead and cooked these, you are welcome, so you just need to mash these up with some vinegar, that brown type of sugar or maybe some honey I don’t know it’s your dinner, some lemon juice, until it’s aaaallllllllll smooth. We’ll go from there, okay? I’m going to do the sweetie mustard, yell for me when you are done.”

The little blue tiefling had said so many things so fast, but he was versed enough in Jester-ese to understand the mission at hand. Improv some island ketchup while she made honey mustard. He could do this. Essek plucked the barely not steaming any longer fruit-berry-vegetable thing that they found that was pretty much a purple tomato and started dropping them in and mashing them a bit before adding another. After there seemed to be enough there for the amount of sauce they need he just started to grind away with the pestle. It reminded him of hand making ink in his youth as a part of his magic education, or any alchemy adjacent work he’d done over the years, for that matter. It was sort of soothing, if he was being really honest. He added a healthy squirt of honey, along with the vinegar and lime and soon he seemed to have some janky purple ketchup on his hands.

“Okay, now what?” Wait, he was supposed to be in charge here, he was running this kitchen. He tries again trying to sound less like a child asking their mother for assistance. “I need to know the next steps.”

“Alright, so now just grate up those.” Jester said, looking up from her stirring to point at the ginger and garlic on the counter. “And then add it in with some of the dark sugar, the soy sauce and- Oh, there’s the wine! Thank you, Gretchen, for the wine, you’re doing so good.” The mentioned cat sat a bottle of sweet xhorasian wine down on the counter as she got to it on the list. “Just a bit of those, for flavor, I think will probably get the flavor close.”

“Alright.” It didn’t take long to get the ingredients prepped and in the bowl to keep pestling until smooth-ish. Towards the end of his pestling, the blue tiefling’s unique cadence busted through into his attention.

“We should try to do a sweet and spicy sauce. The cats can get us some peppers from the back, but what fruit should we use for the sweet part?” She asked, picking up and sniffing some of their scavenged fruits as well the ones the cats had already brought out, like smelling could give her the answers that she seeked. This an opportunity to assert his authority as the kitchen head.

“I propose that we cook and mash the flesh of the fruits to see what their consistency is like and what it does to the flavor, and we can go from there.” 

“You are so smart, Essek! I will start to prep the fruits, then.” Jester said, whipping out a knife that Essek was choosing to not think about the size of. 

Alright, they were on… a track. This was going to work.

########################################################################

Essek decided he was going to bring Caleb’s late lunch to him himself. He could use a break from the kitchen (and all of Jester’s innuendo), and some food himself. Plus, the other wizard might need help with his lesson plans and grading and the ladies had already dispensed food to the others and started on the stegosaurus and bird roasts that they had planned, so he had time. In his hands was a platter of Stego Tenders (he wished he’d come up with a more refined name before that one had stuck) with four different dippings. Island Honey Mustard, Purple Xhorsauce, Green Sweet and Spicy, and some sort of thick dip Jester had made that had mushrooms and who knows what else in it. It was orange-ish, lumpy and tasted earthy but also sweet with a little zest. He didn’t know, it was ugly, but it tasted good. The Tenders themselves were a gorgeous golden brown that had taken probably too many tries to nail down if he was fully honest with himself.

“Good afternoon, Professor, would you care for a spot of lunch?” The drow half crooned as he walked up to his partner from his position hunched over papers at his lab table. His rusty red, gray streaked hair starting to escape the hastily made loose ponytail his hair was in to fall in his face. Good money would say that he was working on his lesson plans.

“Hm? Ja, yes, I would. A bit of a late lunch, but I appreciate it.” It seemed to take a second for Caleb to fully enter the moment, a testament to the degree to which he dives into his work. Blue eyes settle on the platter in his hands. 

“Fried foods? How surprising.” 

“It’s Stegosaurus tail.” Essek said with barely contained excitement at being able to serve his partner such exotic meat, gesturing at the table with the platter to hint at where it should sit. Caleb started to clear the spot.

“Dinosaur meat? My, you have been busy today, haven’t you?” Eyes gleamed at him in curiosity, asking without any words what he was up to.

“You have no idea. I think you’re going to be very pleased with dinner tonight, let's just say that much.” He sat the platter down on the cleared spot, promptly sitting himself down right after.

“Does this have anything to do with why Jester and Yasha were MIA this morning?” 

“A proper den leader uses only the best hunters.”

“But you didn’t bring Veth along?”

“You know she doesn’t like me.”

“But she does enjoy killing things.”

“Yes, and I am a thing.” The drow lets out a violent puff from his nostrils. “Anyway, as an opening prelude to the wonderful meal I’ve planned, we decided to make these Stego-Tenders, with four handmade sauces. Let’s enjoy this, shall we?”

“Ja, of course, why don’t you tell me about these sauces for the… Stego-Tenders?” Ah there was that annoying Teasing Eye Sparkle. The bastard.

“A good den head designates tasks to those most capable, Jester seemed a good fit for naming dishes.” He gave up as an explanation to a question that hadn’t been asked, but Caleb saw right through him and let out a snort of laughter that was unattractive but very endearing, because the human is just insufferable like that sometimes. “First, the Purple Xhorsauce- Jester.” The drow said in explanation at the open joy and mockery that had started to bloom across his partner’s face.

As Caleb laughed at him anyway, he plucked up a tender and dunked it in the purple sauce. The sauce turned out shinier and thinner than he’d ever imagined when he’d when he’d originally been handed those steaming island tomatoes. The sauce was such a homey color, too. He took a bite and was absolutely delighted. The crust had turned out crisp and so to his joy, Stegosaurus tail rather did taste like Giant Lizard! He found himself looking even more forward to the other dino dishes they had planned, since they’d been sort of planned around his own descriptions of lizard based dishes he’d had back in the Dynasty. The sauce also tasted remarkably like home, and so this particular bite was reminding him starkly of festival foods that he’d been considered generally too high class to have more than a handful of times. Like something you’d buy from a stand, but more refined.

“That good, Schatz?” Caleb teased, looking at his ears, which he’d been too in his head to notice were doing little happy flutters that he promptly stopped. “Don’t stop, it’s cute.”

“It’s undignified for a man of my age.” Essek grumbled, displeased that he’d lost control of his ears like a young child. Being Seen was so mortifying, really. The drow dipped the tender in the sauce and shoved it towards the other’s face. “Try it, it’s very good.” And he did.

“Oh.” Caleb said, a bit of food still in his mouth like the heathen he was, after a bit of chewing. “That is good.” 

“Of course it is, I made it, why would it be anything less than wonderful.” The drow felt like he was puffing himself up like a proud bird, but he deserved it after getting roasted by his friends all day, damnit. 

“Of course, silly of me to be surprised.” The ginger rolled his eyes before picking up his own tender and pointing towards another sauce. “What's that one? It looks familiar.”

“Oh, Jester made that one especially for you, she called it Island Honey Mustard.” Essek answered and Caleb’s eyes gleamed with a sort of subtle joy that normally happened when one of his friends did something sweet.

“Why with the Island tag?” He asked as he dipped his tender in the yellow sauce with the drow quickly behind them.

“I think to sweeten it she used both honey and some sort of island fruit juice.” It was all the answer he had until he took a bite and surely, along with meat juices, mustard and honey, a subtle fruity undertone coated his tongue. It was… unique, to say the least. “Hm.”

“That is… interesting. It tastes like a vacation home feels.” Caleb muttered with furrowed brows, like he was trying to decide if that was a good thing or not. That also would have been a nonsense sentence if he’d said it to anyone but him, but he understood well enough. The red head took another, smaller dip. Thought on it. “This one is probably my favorite.”

“Surely, you zemnians love mustard.” Caleb glared lightly but couldn’t summon up a real retort because they both knew he favored mustard and mustard seed for flavoring in his cooking. “Now, onto the next one, it’s got a bit of a kick to it.”

The other wizard reacted as dramatically to the Green Sweet and Spicy Sauce, or Swicy Sauce as Jester called it. The ginger was famously bad at handling true spice of any kind, so even getting a mouthful of the rather mild sauce made Caleb start to go red in the face whine, going into his normal theatrics. After Essek had stopped laughing at him, they moved onto the Orange Mushroom Sauce, which he’d personally loved but Caleb was rather undecided on. After sampling all the sauces they slipped easily into their typical lunch routine, as the drow asked about the lesson plans he was working on and the other wizard had started to eagerly jump into explaining how he was trying to formulate the plans for Advanced Transmutation 302. He relished in the opportunity to eat exotic junk food and ramble about academics with his partner, as he knew that his day was likely going to get chaotic when he returned to the making and serving of his feast. 

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

almost-birthday thoughts

i'll turn 40 in a few days, on thursday. i've always loved presents and reasons to celebrate, round numbers, enthusiasm...reasons to be excited, i guess. but this birthday matters way more to me than the others; it feels deeper. i don't look to 50 or 60 (if i'm lucky enough to get there) and feel any particular way, but i felt this one coming. i needed this one to matter.

my mom was 32 when she had me, and her 40th birthday is the first birthday i remember witnessing of hers. the family teasing her, the 'lordy lordy looks who's forty' rhymes. her hair was already gray, and welfare hadn't forced her back into the workforce yet. she was happier than i would ever see her be, again.

and i honestly don't remember much else about her birthday party, or that year specifically. big, terrible things happened a year later, but when i was only 8? she was just 40, we all celebrated like we celebrated every birthday of everybody--and the number didn't mean anything to me.

now, i'm about to be 40, and the last time i saw my mom, i was 21. she turned 72 this year, which is the age my grandmother was when she died. i reached out, because of that. i get my spine from my grandmother and my stubbornness from my mother, but i yielded, just enough. i know i won't see her again while she's alive. i'm at peace with that, as much as i can be.

but it still makes 40 feel more important, somehow. like i've hit the inbetween. i've survived the rock and the hard place and somehow i'm still alive and i'm going to be 40 years old, older than my mother was when i entered the world, while she's older than her mother was when she left it.

i've never cared much about age in the way some people do: i don't worry about how wrinkles make me look, or how quickly silver began streaking through my brown hair. i'm not lamenting (or celebrating) what i've accomplished as i approach a real mile marker. until i started writing this, it didn't even occur to me that depending on how long i live, i may actually be entering middle age now.

that can't be true, right? whatever middle-aged is, it doesn't feel like me reblogging tumblr gifs and rambling about the movies i've watched or sharing my cat stories. my health issues have existed for so long they seem entirely divorced from the passage of time, so i can't even say i feel like i'm getting old because i have pain, or sleep trouble--whatever the cliches are.

anyway, being the many things that i am (autistic, bipolar, anxious, vibrating at a high ADHD frequency even while medicated), i'm probably always going to be one of those 'i don't feel my age' people. so that doesn't surprise me. it's more the principle of this year, that matters to me. it has mattered all year as i felt my birthday approaching.

so both intentionally and coincidentally, i made this one of my biggest birthdays ever. because of the timing of thanksgiving and school holidays and other stuff outside my control, my family celebrating started early. last week alone was intense, in the best way.

i found out earlier this year, with much surprise and delight, that hadestown was not only touring, but coming literally to our downtown theater. a ticket to that was my gift to myself. i'd never seen any musical i love onstage--and definitely not a broadway one, touring or otherwise. and i didn't think about, when i purchased the ticket, how the show would be happening only a week after the election. but it was perfect, even more so because of that. i needed it.

and then, @actuallylukedanes made it possible for me to see suzy eddie izzard, performing live. they're the one who first introduced me to her comedy, literally decades ago now, and her bits are embedded in the fabric of our family (who all went together). getting to actually be in her presence wasn't on my bucket list, much like i didn't actually expect to see a musical i loved until i did--i'm still a little in shock that we were really there. it really happened. and in addition to being funny, she was very sincerely trying to give us all hope. it made me cry.

before the show, we got something to eat nearby, and it's been years since i had such a good milkshake. i want to go back there and try their sandwiches (i enjoyed the fries and their natural orange soda). the theater smelled like history, and i love all the memories i made with my family just on that one day, including the hour i spent reading in the car before i ran out of sunlight while music blasted all around us. and the singalong on the ride home. i think it was nearly 4 hours of driving, to get there and back that day, but for me at least, it was worth it.

i've already gotten one of my birthday presents (besides the suzy eddie izzard show of course), because @actuallyrorygilmore had to visit early and leave yesterday, thanks to the schedules etc i mentioned above. she got me a book i really wanted, and can't wait to read, once i've made a dent in my giant partially-read pile of paperbacks and hardcovers from my distracted era. (i'm nearly done with two! i'm making actual progress!)

i also got a cupcake and a box of caramels i love...and all of that was before my birthday has even happened!

i've still got some kind of unwrappable gift coming to mark the day, and the wicked movie coming out, 20 years after i was first belting along to the soundtrack in my college dorm room, alone over thanksgiving break. (i won't be seeing wicked on my birthday, but because regal sometimes opens movies here a day early on thursdays, it will premiere on my birthday. i love that.)

a lot about this year, heading into turning 40, has been really hard. i lost my little ghost cat, bailey, in january--and mellie's son sebastian, who brought bailey to us in the first place...we lost him right before halloween. pretty horrible bookends to 2024. and now, bonus fascism! that's just hovering, a january storm cloud i'm ignoring until it's here.

so, i can't say 40 is gonna be fantastic. or, 2025 will be my best year yet! or anything else silly, like the hopeful things i remember proclaiming as we were heading into 2020. i'm sure i believed them at the time, very sincerely--but the universe gave us a pandemic instead, among so much else. that was not a year of joy.

what i can say, and be grateful for, is that i'm about to be 40 years old. and when i was a child, and i tried to imagine my life someday, it was a big expanse of nothingness. it wasn't that i was pessimistic about my future, or even that i didn't know what i wanted. i literally couldn't imagine myself as an adult, living in the world, having any life different from the way things had always been for me, growing up. i couldn't see it.

so i genuinely, fiercely, painfully believed that meant that i must not be fated to live to see adulthood. to have any kind of future. i was very much an anne shirley kind of child, and i blame my fanciful imagination for that sense of certain doom, but i did believe it. i never expected to make it this far.

despite that, despite everything, here i am. raising kittens and seeing musicals and being celebrated by a chosen family who both love and like me, for who i actually am. i have a room of my own and the choice of how i spend my time, and i'm needed in the world. i'll never run out of things to learn, and make, and new friends to meet. no matter what's coming, i still do love my small, valuable life.

a lot can happen in 40 years, i now know from experience. i'm going to try and keep making mine better.

[the-adventures-of-dave]

Genuinely worried, not a troll ask. Is TNR bad in all situations? I’m in an extremely rural area and have been working to TNR the local cat colony for about six years now. Most are feral, so it literally is ‘trap’ in that TNR and then handle the trap with puncture proof gloves, etc. I’ve managed to bring their numbers down from the mid twenties to about eight with only one litter born this spring, that I managed to catch and get to a shelter three hours away before they were too feral to handle.

Basically if I didn’t do TNR here, we’d just have a ton of feral cats and no birds at all? There are no resources. I’ve been trying for years to find someone willing to work with this area and we’re too far out in a zone with no resources in the one county shelter.

Hey there anon! I don't know if TNR is bad in all situations, I can just speak to what I've heard/read about and how it personally makes me feel. I'm glad that the method worked for you in your area and you were able to get that last litter to a good home! Regardless of my own feelings I'm glad it worked for you.

Below the cut are my thoughts on TNR. I don't mean it personally anon, I think that your care for the cats in your area is very honourable even if I don't quite agree with TNR as a whole. This is more of an explanation as to how TNR makes me feel than anything else.

Environmentally, you're still reintroducing the cats back into the ecosystem (just neutered). If TNR works exactly as it's supposed to and the cats don't die prematurely that's still years to potentially over a decade of dead birds killed by cats. There have also been studies shown that TNR doesn't always work as successfully as in your situation. People often see feeding stations as a safe place to dump unwanted pets, or else other intact strays can move in to fill in the gaps of deceased TNR colony members. [1] [2] [3]

My biggest concern with TNR though is the welfare of the cats. To use your colony as an example, in the course of six years you lost 15-20 cats. Some friendly kittens might have been adopted out, but what happened to the other ones that weren't adoptable? We keep our pet cats indoors to keep them safe from harm, but there's no way to keep ferals safe from disease, parasites, injuries, traffic, weather, or wildlife. Without an owner they're left wandering out there without vet care after being hit by a car, or getting frostbite, an infection, illness, etc. When they do die stray cats usually die pretty gruesome deaths, and personally I'm uncomfortable condemning a cat to that by rereleasing them with TNR. Even if TNR was a 100% effective way to minimize cat populations to me it seems kind of... cruel.

My sort-of jab at the author of that book was related to my feelings on those cats. Alley Cat Allies and other TNR groups often argue that if a cat is a part of a TNR colony it shouldn't be adopted out. TNR groups often advocate for these "community cats" to be left alone. Here's a screenshot from Alley Cat Allies in an article titled "5 Ways to Advocate for Cats in your Community":

Knowing that these cats can be injured/killed so easily and painfully and that they're being denied a safe, happy, and healthy life with a human owner just doesn't sit right with me. Not every TNR group advocates for this kind of practice, but it's enough of a pattern that I'm wary of them. It seems like the author of that book thinks it's better for your cat to be "happy and free" outdoors rather than inside.

[thebeatles-world]

Picture Perfect: Part 3

Here is Part 3 of The Picture Perfect series, I hope y'all enjoy!

@starswill-fall I hope you enjoy! You are my biggest fan! I can't wait for your reaction for this series!

You couldn't believe that you had both Elvis and Ringo madly in love with you. Elvis was one of the biggest rock stars in the world but Ringo and The Beatles were slowly taking Elvis's title away.

You fell in love with Elvis's charming personality and his amazing smile at just 18 years old.

But things happened. You and Elvis didn't really get along as the years went by when you two dated. It was more of a toxic relationship through the six years you two were together.

You were being kinda desperate to make it work. But at the end, you and Elvis ended up breaking up with each other.

For goodness sake, Elvis accused you of cheating on him with Ringo just because you and Ringo had an innocent and friendly talk with each other at the awards show one time.

But Elvis ended up cheating on you way before that... which you forgave him for cheating on you but some nights you went to bed thinking if you were good enough for him...

But you didn't have to worry about that anymore. You had Ringo now.

Anyways, you sat on the couch and tried to get your mind off of Elvis. It didn't help that his new wife Grace was on the telly or her face was on every cover of the newspaper.

Grace said that when her and Elvis broke up for a short time, she was practically ex-communicated from the Church they attend. Plus Elvis paid off her dad’s debts and Elvis really helped her get into the spotlight.

You sigh as you turned off the telly. You picked up a magazine that had The Beatles on the cover and you couldn't help but smile when you saw your boyfriend Ringo smiling on the front cover with the rest of his band mates.

You heard the front knob turn and you looked up to see Ringo entering inside.

''Hello my love.'' Ringo said as he greet you with kisses and a warm hug.

''Hey baby, how did the studio go?'' You asked him as you gave him a kiss on the lips.

''It went quite well.'' Ringo chuckled.

''I can't wait for you to hear the new album.'' He added with a smile.

''I can't wait to hear it either.'' You smiled back. '' I know it's going to b great.''

Ringo sat next to you and started to hold you in his arms.

''I really need to get us a pet dog or a pet cat so that way you can have company when I am gone darling.'' Ringo gave you a kiss on the head.

''Oh that would be lovely Ringo. But I really do hate that you have to go on tour.'' You sigh sadly.

''I was honestly going to talk to you about that. I talked to Brian and he said that I am allowed to bring you on tour. How exciting is that my love?'' Ringo said exictedly.

''That is exciting news baby! Oh, I can't wait to travel with you.'' You said happily, leaning your head against Ringo's chest.

''I can't wait either my love, it's going to be such a nice time.'' Ringo ran his fingers softly through your hair.

Your heart being pounding inside your chest as you thought about Elvis coming to yours and Ringo's flat and kissed you.

Were you ready to tell him now?

''Hey Ringo?'' You said, almost in a shaking voice.

''Yes darling?'' He replied, rubbing your bare legs with his hand.

''I have to tell you something..'' You said softly.

You couldn't believe that you had the courage to tell him this.

''What is it love?'' Ringo asked.

You sat up and faced him.

Ringo knew this was serious just by the way you sat up and faced him with a unsmiling look.

''S-So apparently you know Elvis Presley my ex right? Everyone knows Elvis.'' You stammered as you looked at Ringo.

Ringo nodded, waiting for you to go on.

''Well he came to our flat before you even came home from the studio. He pour out his feelings to me and before I even knew...'' You stopped and took a deep breath.

''Ringo.. Elvis kissed me.'' You added, looking quite pale.

You were afarid of what Ringo was going to do or say.

''I'm sorry? Did you say he kissed you?'' Ringo asked in a unpleasant tone, making sure he heard you correctly.

''Yes he did my love, I don't wanna hide this from you or think that I am cheating on you because I would never do that to you Ringo. I love you so much.'' You said in a upsetting tone.

Ringo sat there quietly, not saying anything to you. He didn't even look at you.

''Did you kiss him back?'' He asked after a few minutes of slience between you two.

''No I didn't-'' You begin but Ringo cut you off.

''Y/N why didn't you stop him then? Why didn't you do anything about it?'' Ringo cut you off.

''Because I didn't know what to do! I didn't know he was going to kiss me. Ringo I swear I didn't know he was going to kiss me. I swear on our relationship. What was I supposed to do?'' You exaclamied at him.

Ringo didn't say anything after that. You could tell he looked really upset. You were upset as well. Plus you hated seeing him upset.

''I'm sorry. I can't.'' Ringo started to say and then got up. You saw him heading towards the front door.

''Wait! Ringo where are you going?'' You shouted. Ringo still didn't say anything to you and slammed the front door.

You ran towards the front door and before you could stop him , you saw Ringo getting into his car and driving off.

You felt your heart break into a million pieces just watching him drive off from the driveway.

''Am I going to lose him?'' You said to yourself as tears begin to flow down your cheeks.

You went inside and locked the front door. You headed upstairs to yours and Ringo's room and climbed into the covers on the bed.

You silently cried yourself to sleep with a broken heart...

To be continued...

Leave your comments below and let me know what you think? What do you think is going to happen next?

Below are the links to Part One and Part Two of The Perfect Picture Series:

[never-not-ever]

My ex FaceTimed me and I ignored it and immediately texted asking why and if everything was okay. Then she asked if I was home and asked if I could talk real quick.

It was to see her new puppy 😒.

But we FaceTimed for like 25 minutes and caught up and it was actually nice. She made a comment about the puppy being so tiny and having to be carried everywhere and I was like that sounds like you being pampered. And she laugh/smiled and was like I don't get pampered anymore and her face kind of fell.

I did all the pampering and the "caring for" in the relationship. That's how it went. Speaking of which. She's in a relationship. Long distance, been a month. Never met the girl but supposedly they FaceTime everyday....

She saw the boys (the cats) and since we were talking and sort of on the subject of them I brought up the thing that's been on my mind lately with them and if anything were to happen to me. Of course I started getting emotional. I tried saying that I didn't want it to come across as suicidal or to worry her but I asked her like if anything happened if she would make sure they'd stay together or even if she'd take them in.

She immediately got worried and asked if I was planning on hurting myself and honestly if I was I wouldn't have told her and also I wouldn't be talking about it on here either. I'm not. It's all a "what if". She doesn't think my Nana likes her and to be fair my Nana isn't the biggest fan of her. So she said as long as I "relayed that to her". She also said something about if it were to happen and if she could she'd try to take them depending on where she was living. But she'd make sure they stayed together. She tried talking about long term like years from now not knowing where our lives would be and I was like "I'm talking about right now". Like no I am not planning anything right this moment but my "what if" is in terms of short term suicidal thoughts.

During the phone call I started feeling intense emotions of sadness, loneliness, longing, heartache. And I hate it. Her older sister who I used to be so close with is back living at home with her and their mother. I used to also be close with her mother. Hell. I used to be close to her whole fucking family.

Right now. If we were still together. Maybe we'd be over there at her mothers. Hanging out in the living room, watching tv, chatting. Or maybe we'd be at the movies with her sister. Or out Christmas shopping.

If we were still together I'd still have a family. I'd still have a mother. And a bunch of siblings. And a niece and nephew and another nephew on the way.

If we were still together...

Maybe I wouldn't feel so alone.

But I know we weren't good together. I know I wasn't enough for her to want to be with me. To treat me right.

I don't even care about being with her anymore, although FaceTiming her tonight, I did kind of miss her. But it's her family that I miss more than anything.

But I don't belong.

I'm not right.

[beautifulrebelglitterwitch]

Kelly Clarkson once said “I was looking for skinny jeans when I should have been looking for wranglers”. We know that story did not end well, but that statement stuck in my head like, you think you know what you want, what you should be looking for, but maybe THIS over here is what you really need. I wasn’t looking though. I wasn’t looking for skinny jeans or wranglers or a suit or gray sweatpants. I wasn’t looking at all. Maybe a side eye look like “hey is it you?”but not with any kind of strength behind it.

I wasn’t looking for anything but myself. I was (am) figuring out what exactly it is that I wanted because the truth was I knew what I didn’t want very clearly but couldn’t list one thing I actually wanted. You’ve got to know both. The universe can’t help you with half ass truths. So I went about creating the this is me and what I want list that was imaginary and in my head. I tried on ideas like clothes in a dressing room, not buying anything that didn’t fit or suit my style. In that process I found things that fit so well I knew it was the truth. I kept finding the things that fit well until I saw myself more clear than I ever, but still me, feeling more comfortable in my skin than ever before. I was alone, but not lonely. I was fulfilling desires alone better than being with a partner, especially the wrong one. I was always smiling in disbelief that I could feel so fulfilled and be alone. I had been searching and searching and searching for the person that fit with who I am now and I was exhausted.

A mentally drained creative person is a frustrated person. So I was coming up ways for me to express myself that I hadn’t before and that were free. The things I did created so much joy. I found myself, even through getting help for my depression and anxiety, through these creative endeavors a lightness and surge in creativity I hadn’t felt in some time.

Minding my own business and really the hardest part of my day being what to post to curate my blog, and what to eat, I received a message. A test. For both of us. For him, would I bite? For me, is this guy a creep? I bit. He’s not a creep. We haven’t stopped talking since. Everyday I think I wasn’t looking, I wasn’t even paying attention. I didn’t even want to talk to anyone and then he appeared. I did the opposite of what I would normally do, I broke every one of my rules. I worried I wasn’t enough, I thought he must be lying, I hoped this wasn’t a joke, I worried he would ghost me, I worried see all of my body would be the reason he’d ghost me. I was deathly afraid of my feelings.

Then one day this Motherfucker (in our earliest days I kept saying in my head this Motherfucker is trying to get me to love him, or this Motherfucker says the sweetest things. I know by calling him that in my head, I was stalling, I wanted him to prove me right, he wasn’t this amazing person, he was in fact a Motherfucker) anyway, one day this Motherfucker asks me to call him and then asks me if I’d like to be his best friend? When I tell you my eyes were wet and my smile was the biggest it’s been in years, because it’s single handedly the sweetest, most romantic thing. I’ve ever experienced. He asked a scaredy cat girl wrestling with her feelings if I’d like to be his best friend and in that moment I loved him and became even more scared, but also knew I could tell my best friend anything.

Since that phone call I have experienced something lacking in almost every relationship I have ever had. Consideration for my feelings constantly. Someone who asks the right questions and listens to my answers. Someone who says “only if you’re comfortable” and means it. Someone who makes sure I’m ok and doesn’t freak out when I’m not. Someone who will talk things out. Someone who knows we’re in this together. Someone who wants to be better for himself and for me and makes me want the same. Someone who turns me on just be being himself. So finally one day I broke down and asked “Are you for real?” and he answered “I am really real baby darling” I stared at that text for minutes. I swooned. I cried. My heart was bursting. This Motherfucker, my best friend, my lover. He’s really real.

@always-be-batman-71

[naturepointstheway]

My 10 Longest Fics on AO3 As of May 30, 2024

So out of curiosity, I went to my AO3 works (username there is HathorAroha, which was my old username before I changed my tumblr url to my current one), and sorted my works by word count, and here's the top 10 longest ones so far in order from biggest:

Of Ghosts and Carols - Beauty and the Beast - G - No Warnings Apply - 39,379 words (multi-chapter) A few days before Christmas one year, Prince Adam, already turned selfish and bitter by his past and by his now-deceased father, is visited by an Enchantress who foretells his visitation by three ghosts who will show him his past, present, and what may be in his future if he does not learn to try to open his heart again to love now that his cruel father is dead.

30 Days of Beauty and the Beast: One Line, Different Character - Beauty and the Beast - T - No Warnings Apply - 33,758 words (multi-chapter, but all just one shots if that makes sense) As the title suggests, thirty one-shots for thirty days where I take a single line from the movie spoken by one character, and give it to someone else, however likely or unlikely. Characters and other tags will be added as each one shot is added day by day. One-shots' lengths vary from tiny drabbles to long ones, and I'll aim to be mostly fluffy/non-angsty. Take note, I said "mostly".

Snowflakes, Witches, and Eternity - Frozen/Snow Queen Crossover - G - No Warnings Apply - 27,767 words (multi-chapter) One afternoon, an unexpected blizzard carries little Anna and Elsa to the Land of Oz. The sisters are separated, with Elsa lured into the Snow Queen's embrace and Anna lost somewhere in Oz. While Elsa stays in the Snow Queen's castle, Anna searches Oz for her beloved sister, whose heart has been turned to ice. Anna must find Elsa before it is too late and she loses her for good.

Beauty and the Fourteen Prompts - Beauty and the Beast - G - No Warnings Apply - 18,535 words (multi-chapter, but a series of one-shots) A collection of my fanfic responses to the 14 writing prompts in @tinydooms' #BATB14fics writing challenge for January 2019 on Tumblr. I am doing it out of order of her list of prompts, going with which ones are inspiring me most first, and leave the rest for later. Even if "later" is two years later! See Chip's excitement over a new writing desk (very grown up indeed!), the village baker's thoughts on Belle's remarks on his job, and more! And that's all my multi-chapters (I tend not to like doing multi-chapters because i get bored way too quickly XD). Now it's ALL one-shots, and of COURSE my first ever explicit fic ends up being the biggest of them all. Why. Why. *shrugs*

Manes, Magic, and Pleasure - Cats the Musical - E - No Warnings Apply - 9400 words - Tuggoffelees (Mistoffelees/Tugger)

Misto gazed up at him with a rapturous, untethered grin full of pure joy, his eyes sparkling like a moonless, clear sky. Beautiful, phenomenal, magical. Tugger couldn’t help but press a kiss on his soft cheek and one more on his temple, paws still interlaced with his."

Just shy of a whole year after the last Jellicle Ball, Tugger discovers one day that Mistoffelees is ready to go farther with their relationship, despite his worries about overwhelming him with the sensations. At the end there is trust, so much trust, and so much love.

6. House and Home and Security - Life is Strange 2 - T - No Warnings Apply - 8193 words Hours after leaving prison behind forever, Sean finds himself at Daniel's new home, a house he can never feel is his, no matter how much Daniel insists it's his home too whenever he needs it. And there is a strange, forgotten feeling both alien and familiar, one he has nearly forgotten over the last fifteen years he had spent in a prison cell. And how is it that Daniel is already so grown up, a young man of twenty-five years?

7. On the Breath of a Storm - Life is Strange - T - Major Character Death - 8011 words - Pricefield (Chloe/Max) - Alternate Timeline "Our" Max, the Max of our timeline, leaves a note behind on the offchance that the alternate timeline with Chloe in a wheelchair will continue without her. Alternate Max "awakes" to the letter, and is forced to face what has happened to Chloe. A storm still approaches the bay, unseen and all warnings from this strange Max not of this world unheeded.

8. And So the Little Wolf Outlived the Big Wolf - Life is Strange 2 - T - No Archive Warnings (read the trigger warnings in the tags though!) - 7923 words - Lone Wolf Ending It is seven years since Sean's death at the border, and the day Daniel has dreaded since then has come: the day he officially outlives his older brother. On the night of Daniel's seventeenth, Sean comes to him in a dream and makes him promise to call someone, anyone, just so he isn't alone anymore.

9. I'm Somewhere, You're Somewhere, I'm Nowhere, You're Nowhere - Life is Strange - T - Major Character Death - 6214 words - Alternate Timeline - Pricefield

Maxine Caulfield wakes up after a night of partying it up and clubbing for her eighteenth birthday to discover a text on her cellphone:

"Max, it’s with a saddened heart I have to tell you Chloe passed away last night, 21st September, at 11:30pm."

She resolves to visit Chloe one more time, like the hypocrite that she is.

10. The Mute and the Maine - Cats the Musical - T - No Archive Warnings apply (read the tags for trigger warnings, however) - 5744 words - Tuggoffelees (Mistoffelees/Tugger)

Troubled by Demeter's words about Mistoffelees, a mute cat mostly outcast by the tribe, Tugger takes it onto himself to have a talk with Misto, and let him know he is not alone. [Originally posted on Tumblr] [Based on Lindsay Chambers' Mistoffelees from the very late '80s/very early '90s in a Zurich production.]

[dogtiber]

.

hello I am having a dog thought overwhelm today and also a general overwhelm woo please feel free to ignore me I am just working out some feelings

I feel like I haven’t been doing much with Tiber lately just because there’s so much going on rn

my to do list is miles long today too and will be for a while until I work my way through everything I need to do

but I feel BadTM about it. partner has been getting frustrated with us lately because it feels like his separation anxiety has backslid a little

(we let him sleep on the couch with us for a few nights because with Things Going On we were too stressed to deal with getting up/his whining, so we just let him stay with us to prevent it altogether. but now he seems more Upset than usual about being put to bed in his crate. it was likely not the smartest move but when we’re both tired and I’m disabled-exhausted and he’s getting-up-at-1am-for-work-several-days-in-a-row-exhausted we were kind of at the end of our rope for a bit)

but I am so sleepy and so tired right now but it is nearly impossible to catch up on the rest I need with Puppy.

we sent him to daycare on Sunday to give us some time to catch up on house work/get him some dog socialization time, but like even then. we spent the whole time cleaning the house, not resting.

we’re managing but I am becoming Increasingly Distressed about it and it is fine and we will get through it but bleegghggrrrgh

I really want to do more reading/research on dog training and esp on separation anxiety (since that’s our biggest problem with him rn) ((but also ADHD brain is getting overwhelmed and is having trouble focusing on that because there’s SO MANY important things we need to work on him right now too. like recall. oh my god his recall training has been going so bad. well like not *bad* but he is not really getting it at all. and I’m starting to feel like I need to change up our approach…but that requires reading and learning about different ones…which brings us back to…)) but because im so TIRED I just don’t have the brainpower to focus on that.

I think I’m extra emotionally distressed because partner and I had a tense upset moment yesterday. I didn’t really take Tiber out after his morning walk because he was asleep most of the day and wasn’t asking, or even eating or drinking much, too busy sleeping (I assume being tired from daycare the previous day) and when partner went to take him out, Tiber I guess couldn’t hold it and peed by the front door while he was getting his gloves on. which. was my fault for sure. I should have taken him out even if he wasn’t indicating he needed to go. but *I* wanted to nap too. so I just slept while Tiber slept and let us keep napping. and partner, after a long day at work, was extra frustrated and upset.

and it’s fine and we talked through the outburst and cleaned up and made up. but I’m on edge a little after it. just RSD kicking in I think. but still emotionally draining.

and the other day, partner asked if I could spend more time on the dog training at home, and worry less about household chores and that he’d take over more of that responsibility instead but I personally just don’t feel like this is going to be an effective solution?

(a lot of this is because our approaches dog training are…different. he just hasn’t had as much time to do training research because his job is busy, and that plus his prior childhood experiences with raising pets was…I would say less than ideal. his parents’ attitudes towards raising animals were/are. uh. questionable at best if not outright bad. (I constantly want to kidnap their cat she is having such a bad time over there.) so him trying to take over Tiber Time to give me a break and some rest time usually ends up with me involved anyway, because I’m trying to gently nudge him from doing things that might be aversive (gentle stuff, he’s not kicking the dog or anything, but I don’t super love his first line approach being to tug firmly away from things he shouldn’t have instead of trying to call or redirect attention first, for example. obviously sometimes just grabbing him is necessary if there’s a danger but like. if it’s a sock on the ground outside or whatever) or from asking Tiber for too much and not really getting the idea of setting him up for success, or trying to pair a cue without Tiber having learned the behavior first. and none of this is the end of the world but like. I don’t want to have to change a cue because it was poisoned or unteach a bad habit or counter condition something he taught. and maybe this is my control issues coming into play but like I also think it’s important to set Tiber up for as much success as possible.)

((but also like. I’m a little frustrated also that he’d rather change around how our household works than to just. sit down and watch the videos/read the articles I send him.))

((I also get frustrated because sometimes the thing I need help with most is just staying with Tiber while I go downstairs to tidy up or take a shower or whatever. but he wants to go up to the loft to game and I don’t begrudge him this because it’s how he unwinds and also spends time with his brother, but when he does I get limited to upstairs with Tiber and can’t get anything done elsewhere.))

it’s been double hard lately because of Tiber’s vomiting and tummy troubles. vet has him on just his kibble and has allowed some plain boiled chicken for treats while we’re working out what’s up, but that means I can’t give as many options for kongs or longer lasting chews or whatever to keep him busy.

so even if I had “more time” to work with the dog, I can’t dog train all day, and I still have to watch him between sessions so he doesn’t puppy chew the house apart. and I can’t distract and occupy him as well right now without access to high value treats and likis and things. (he won’t really work for his kibble unless he’s *really* hungry and I’m not interested in starving him for the sake of some peace.) me doing chores is not really the problem I just need help watching the dog. and also a nap.

also this has reminded me that we’re out of chicken to boil so I need to get more because we have literally no treats for Tiber in this house rn.

and it’s fine and we’ll see how things go for a while first but I desperately need some quality sleep and rest to be able to actually functionally tackle anything right now and that’s just not happening currently. 🙃

and as my to do list gets longer ADHD brain wants to go more and more off the rails.

and I am just feeling dejected and overwhelmed and like I’m not enough.

bleh. I should get breakfast that’s probably where I should start. and then maybe try to grocery delivery some chicken for Tiber? I’d rather go down to the butcher but tbh I think I’m too tired for that long of a walk rn (even if it’s only 5 mins. I tired.)

I need hand holding and someone to start me on tasks man. girl help my executives are dysfunctioning.

[ghost-proofbaby]

GHOST I HAVE UPDATES

firstly I really should be asleep I have work in 10 hours but there is too much adrenaline right now

So

Earlier, i'm at work, the boy texts me and says I can come to the party if I want to. I'm like well I don't have a costume is that okay and he's like yeah. So I then proceed to have the biggest freaking meltdown ever and work bestie and work bestie in law (she works at the restaurant attached to our gas station) literally had to be like IT IS FINE JUST GO TO THE PARTY AND HAVE FUN WITH NO EXPECTATIONS cause I was freaking out so hard about him possibly kissing me (spoilers: 🫣👀) and another worker from the restaurant saw me and work bestie outside and was like wow it's a party out here and I'm like no it's a pity party for me and the guy was like dude just by the look on your face you like him and I've never talked about this situation to this guy before ever so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway I end up running home cause I felt weird going to the party in my work clothes and I ended up just throwing together a cat costume. And I got lost on the way to the party which is my specialty but I get there and the boy is HAMMERED. He kept introducing me to his friends over and over again which was handy for me bc he was the only person I knew there and I actually caught on to some names considering there was like 10 other people there.

We played cards against humanity and one round when it was his turn he picked my card and I was like dude why it sucks and he was like oh well and his one friend was like somebody wants to get laid tonight and I cackled. We were like right next to each other touching legs the whole game and kept like play shoving each other. I was texting work bestie about the laid comment cause I knew he'd find it funny and boy was like who are you talking to and I said work bestie and he said can I say hi and I said sure and he sent him a picture of himself in the bird costume 😂

But we finished playing and I got to get out of cleaning up the game bc the boy proceeded to put his legs over my lap. And he tells me to tell Mom hi and I'm like okay I'll tell my mom hi for you 🥺 like 100% unprompted. But we sit like that for a while and then he lifts his arm up and I'm like 🤔 and he does the like come here motion so then I SAT WITH MY HEAD ON HIS CHEST FOR A WHILE and he was rubbing my arrmmmm and then he GRABBED MY HAND and we were HOLDING HANDS and then he grabbed my OTHER HAND AND WE WERE HOLDING BOTH HANDS AND I WAS LIKE I'M READY TO DIE NOW RIGHT HERE

and we laid there for a while twiddling our thumbs lmao and I literally thought I think this is the chapter right before the kiss. He asked one of his friends to get us a blanket and they're like keep the hands above the blankets 😂

AND

THEN

So at this point it's just us in the living room and I'm on cloud nine lmao and he like taps my shoulder and I look up at him and he grabs my chin and GUESS WHAT HAPPENED

HE KISSED MEEEEEEE (also don't worry he had taken his bird costume off by this point 😂)

There was tongue involved. I did not know what to do with my tongue. First thought was literally "hmmm, tongues taste weird." And then after we stopped he goes I'll be right back and he goes to the bathroom? And I'm like. Hmm. And immediately text work bestie and bestie bestie "I do not know how to kiss. Just an update." And then we cuddled some more EEEEEE and I was forcing myself to stay awake even though I was very comfortable and I honestly felt very safe but I was reciting taylor swifts album tracklists in my head in order to keep me awake 😂 and I was like okay when I finish I have to get up and leave bc I have to go home I cannot stay I have work in the morning and I think my parents would kill me and I don't know if they would be very happy with the boy and I don't want that to happen before they meet him. So I'm like hey I have to leave and he's like no you're staying and hugs me tighter and I had to fight off the poor drunk guy for like 45 minutes just so I could go home. And I really did want to stay 🙃 and we may have kissed like 3 more times and I think I started to get a little better I'm not sure lmao

But I told him when I was leaving to not be sad and by the time I walked to my car I get a text from him saying he was sad 😂 and I told him to hug the cat that was there and that I'd kiss him again on Monday and I sent him a heart emoji which I haven't done before and do you think the people who invented emojis thought that there'd be people out there who think about the usage of them this much?

And then on the way home like 2 minutes from my house I hit a deer but I'm fine the cars fine I'm pretty sure the deers fine cause there's no damage on my car and I barely hit it so I think that was the world telling me I should've listened to him 🤷🏻‍♀️

And also when I got home I had to wipe off his face prints off both lenses of my glasses 👀

Okay going to sleep now I have work in 10 hours 🥱

🎸 anon ❤️

WE DID IT!!! IT HAPPENED!!! YALL KISSED!!!!!!

MY GOD there’s so much sweetness to dissect here but like. i’m so genuinely happen for you nonnie 😭😭😭 everything about this was so damn sweet and you are so deserving of this!!! the hand holding the cuddling the joking just - WAAAAH. y’all are too cute. fucking adorable.

also hold on you hit a DEER? i 😀 okay to be fair i don’t live in an area where it’s common to hit animals (suburban city girl sadly) so that threw me off but as long as you and your car are fine we can move past it

BUT YALL KISSED JESUS CHRIST FUCK YES!!!! GAH IM JUST

happy dancing all over the place for you rn

[taestefully-in-luv]

Our time chapter 4 (The sheer amount of times I’ve had to scream into my pillow to make it through this chapter is kind of ridiculous tbh, but it’s fine. Pure enjoyment 😭🫶🏻):

“You don’t know what it’s uh, what it’s like to live with me so we should probably not jump into that yet.”

I think the above quote confirms my suspicions 😭😭 I don’t even remember that line from my first read through but that’s probably just bc my un-observant reader-brain was like “huh okay *forgets it two seconds later*”. I believe he’s talking about his alcoholism (I’m not saying it’s confirmed bc miss Brinny doesn’t confirm it in the warnings for chapter 6, but yeah)? My guess it that this was the biggest reason why they were rocky even before Nabi or Haru’s kidnapping

Jungkook said something about them (he & Y/N) being together, which further proves that he and his and OC’s parents are hoping they’ll get back together.

Jungkook’s hesitation to get with Y/N physically despite how bad they both want to, makes a lot more sense now, as well. We can assume that he’s more against it because of the fact that they’re divorced and technically not together (plus they haven’t been talking), and not only because he’s worried she’ll get overwhelmed, though I’m sure it’s a factor. I wonder if Jungkook assumed she was overwhelmed about their marriage because he suspected she remembered something relating back to his drinking? Or something along those lines.

Pingsu. Pingsu, Pingsu, Pingsu. This cat is important, for whatever reason. I think, anyway, since he(?)’s one of the only things OC remembers from before the amnesia. Maybe something happened around this time (relating to JK and Y/N’s marriage? Since JK said they had only been married a few years at that point) after JK’s mom got Pingsu that engrained his presence into her mind? That or her brain was like “yeah you love this cat he isn’t a threat all good”, idk.

I wonder if the shadow she (the OC) remembered seeing/ saw by the window in this chapter was the person who kidnapped Haru? Like maybe they scouted out the area before kidnapping him and Y/N remembers something like that? Or, whoever this person was, he was after either JK or Y/N, because of Jungkook’s case. I’m not entirely sure.

I forgot to mention this, but in I think it’s chapter 2, Jungkook mentions how one of Y/N’s favorite animals is the koala, and I’m pretty sure that had something to do with Haru, as well. Maybe his favorite animal was a koala, or he was clingy and that reminded her of koalas.

Pretty much sums up my thoughts this chapter. I have the inkling suspicion I missed something, tbh. I’ve been doing these right after each other, so I might be mushing chapters together in my brain, or I might just miss things because I forgot about them by the end of the chapter.

Again; bad memory lol.

P.s: I really love the way you write your dialogue especially, I don’t think I’ve mentioned it, but you really know how to insert emotion into dialogue and it’s wonderful!

🤍🤍🤍

chapter 4:

1. so that line has multiple purposes :) yes it can be used solely for his fear that she will know he has a problem with drinking and his whole home life is a mess but also, him being nervous because it’s also a lie—because she does know what it’s like she just doesn’t remember

2. yn’s and jungkooks parents (we will meet them soon) all want them together because they hate seeing they’re children cope with the possible death of their own child suffer all by themselves:/ instead of at least leaning on one another

3. yes jungkook is very against doing anything physical with her because of the current circumstances. he struggled and felt weak giving in to her so easily (in his eyes) because he does love her but he also knows how wrong it would be

4. pingu was used to show she does have her memories tucked away in there and how she could remember a cat but not her son—that’ll get touched on more too later

5. the shadow, another mystery like the lake and the boat. unfortunately yn isn’t sure if the shadow was her imagination, a memory or if it happened in that moment

6. it’ll get confirmed later but a pretty good guess so yes 🥰 she will make that realization herself soon too

thank you!!!! dialogue is my favorite part to write so 🥺 <3

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

third degree mother hunger

engage with the pain as a motive

I found these writings in one of my old small journals. I have a huge tub full of these things. God, I really have been writing like I'm running out of time. I have 17 of the bigger ones. I like the bigger ones because I can easily put the date on the pages, but this has no date. I didn't get good at dating them until I got to the bigger ones. I was obviously doing some shadow work on my mother wound. I can see this as the outside of the spiral of meaning, and can see where my understanding has deepened. I went after my mother wound first, because I was desperate not to become her. It used to be my biggest fear. I still struggle with my rage because I worry mine will become poisonous and venomous like hers. I really really used to hate her. Now I look at her like one of those inbred cats we used to have shitting in the yard. Twisted and ugly and sad. Like Golem.

My relationship with my mother was violent and enmeshed. She was my first biological love, and she betrayed me in so many ways. When you're bonded with who you're inherently scared of, it destroys the relationship template. I remember wanting to be like her as a child. I mostly remember being disgusted with her as a child, though, and imagining myself pushing her down a hill when she was old and in a wheelchair. It didn't feel good to think like that. At least my plan showed patience. I hid my abuse from everyone, especially myself. Betrayer blindness is still something I have to watch myself for, because I was programmed very young. Even now I will see myself having patterns of thoughts where I fear the consequences of how someone treats me if others should find out more than the pain of the mistreatment. This is undermined a lot of my efforts.

As a child we have to believe our mother is a good person. Nature protects us. That fucks you up with you're an adult. When someone else does something shamelessly, the shame has to do somewhere. Kids are very easy to shame, and even with all the work I've done I still carry so much of it. I get frustrated when I feel embarrassed about something, even though I know what that shame needs is compassion and kindness.

I was raised to be so aware of my mother's pain and her lost dreams. It's hard to remember the good things she did without bitterness. I still struggle with naming my own feelings and emotions without having to write them down or journal them. Enmeshment really makes it difficult to have an identity or to develop one. I still struggle with the relief I feel having a valid reason to have her out of my life. I was so happy I had a "real" reason. Even now my kids will talk about how they felt going there, the silent chaos and seething resentment. Being around my mother was so uncomfortable. Being the only person she showed so much violence to made it even more difficult to live as though things were fine. She'd ask me, over and over, when I visited, "Did you have a happy childhood?" and I'd find a way to answer positive without lying exactly. The truth? It was timeless suffering and loneliness where I knew any authentic expression of myself would be punished with some kind of physical or emotional pain. I was never a person. I was a ghost who had a role to play in skin. When the mother takes her daughter as her own confidante and vicarious image of herself, she instills inside her daughter's brain a psychological marriage. The daughter fulfills the role of the spouse. It makes someone profoundly sexually anorexic. I loved my father, and she hated it. She'd constantly tell me she wanted him to get cancer and die. She would punish me if I showed him too much love. She's scold me, saying, "You still call him Daddy, but you never call me Mommy. You just love him so much more than me even though I do everything for you." Abuse is pervasive in the way it can control the whole environment. Everyone would walk on eggshells not to set her off. When her mood changed it was so ugly and terrifying. Her face would get red and her eyes would glaze over and she'd yell and spit when she talked. She was a big woman, too, even though she was obsessed with fad diets. She had be on hydroxycut in high school. I still forget when I'm hungry because I was so used to starving myself. I never had much of a problem with weight, but I think she was most proud of my body when my gym teacher told her she was worried that I was wasting away. She was so harmful that the rest of the family would sacrifice their dignity, pride, and anything, especially me. If they could get her gaze on me they would all disappear. I was different. I knew the pain was going to come either way, so I learned how to get what I needed. I remember my dad telling me one time, "I know what you're going to do. You're going to piss her off so that she hurts you enough to feel guilty and go buy you a new dress." I remember shrugging, and thinking, "If it works, it works. The pain comes either way. Might as well get something out of it."

He also used to call me, "A little Dyanne." I think that was the most hurtful habit he had. The worst part was... he believed it. Even when he saw I wasn't. I think I'd laugh at him today as say, "I never became her, but you married her and never left. I did. I didn't become either of you."

It's a cold comfort, but it's what I have.