#bit of a vent here but MY GOD
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Big fuckin cockroach that can FLY shows up just as I'm trying to get to bed. Even worse he is now MISSING he flew under the bed but we checked there and now he is GONE. He is a BIG MOTHERFUCKER and he is playing mind games with us!!!! The cats did nothing to end his life and now it's up to us I guess, assuming this little bitch ever resurfaces from his hiding spot.
#hes not paying rent#hes not contributing to the household#i want his ass gone#nasty little ipis i want that bitch out of here#bit of a vent here but MY GOD
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#okay sorry for venting but i’ve been processing that session for months#like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have#felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses#and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again#realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now#i would be in the same situation where i can’t say anything that actually bothers me#so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever#im just fucking tired bro…….#she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and that’s it WHAT#bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zł for the most#ruining hours of my life thank you so much.#instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just can’t function without help IUOUOUGHHH#god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn#vent
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queer history is not american queer history. it has, of course, had plenty of influence on queer movements around the world, it does not mean that by knowing it you know the queer history of my culture and my country. i cannot explain how frustrating it is to see people who think that bombing my country was fine because we are all homophobic talk as though they have a universal understanding of being queer.
#american history is not world history american relations are not world relations and god help me because i know this is Controversial#statement on tumblr dot com but an american poc is not inherently less prone to extremely american behaviour by the virtue of being poc#i have been more irriated by some things i read on here lately and i know its a microcosmos i know#maybe i need to clear out who i follow a bit i love my mutuals too much too stop being on here#also sadly at the moment its difficult to go outside#vent#logs
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sighhhhhh this beautiful sound
this shit's how we've been feeling. like the instruments, that floaty numb cold feeling but still PAINFULLY borderline aware but unable to like yknow ENJOY?
all we've got left is media. and even that's starting to stop doing anything.
but what the fuck can we do, yknow?
each time this happens it's just so god awful.
and it just keeps happening, over and over and over, with less and less breaks between.
what if one day I can't get out of it?
what if one day we're just stuck numb and cold forever?
what if one day all we'll feel is this numbness and the sadness and the rage?
what then? will anyone be there?
will anyone care?
will we just be alone?
why would we stick around then, huh?
we're already basically friendless.
who's gonna wanna be friends when we have no personality, hell, no existence or REALITY left?
who's gonna wanna be in our fucking vicinity when we're nothing anymore?
that feeling like drowning.
we're ALWAYS drowning.
just brought up for air to get plunged back into the ice cold water for another round.
how long until we don't get brought back up?
#welcome to the island of misfit toys#you say the whole world ended. honey it already did.#Patrick posting#the clowns are rambling instead of dancing#random posts#mental health vent#vent post#sorry for venting#it's just... happening again. yayyy..#and yknow all of you can say you care you can mean it. but I'll still fear for us the day we have nothing left to give#the day we can't be just... this anymore#i guess we'll just try to treasure whatever we have left while we still do. yknow. before the last bit of us dies#i hate my role here. sure i exist for a reason. wanna know what it fucking is?#I'm a sponge. I'm a fucking SPONGE. I'm only here to absorb all of that NEGATIVE SHIT that we can't handle.#it just FEEDS into my own mental health. and then I feel like the prick for what the fucking BRAIN created me to DO.#I'M IN HELL. and I'm there FOREVER because it's all I EXIST to do. I exist to SUFFER FOR EVERYONE ELSE.#and i dont blame the others. it isn't their fault.#but GOD am i tired of fucking venting. I'm tired of making these posts. I'm tired of these feelings.#I'm tired of being the sponge for this fucking mess. i just wanna be happier for like... yknow a week. nothing crazy.#just some time where we feel GOOD. really GENUINELY good. not fake good. not masking. REAL good. REAL joy.#mlandersen0 fictive#sorry for being depressing#sorry for the vent
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doodlesssss
scriabin belongs to zarla-s
edgar belongs to jhonen vasquez
#sunny's art#vargas#vargas zarla#edgar vargas#scriabin vargas#scriabin#i wanted to draw scri with short hair because i love this hair lenght on him#he looks so gooddddd#oh man i'd give ANYTHING to look like this guy#we kinda have the same haircut C:#i used some pinterest bases to see if i could draw anything that i liked#i'm still blocked#like i still have a bunch of ideas but half of them are videos/tiktoks and the rest are way too hard#so i've been drawing a bunch of shitpost lately because it's fun#and easy#maybe when i have enough of them i'll post them here#speaking of tiktok#i have an account to post vargas stuff now. you should definetly check it out#just search @.igtky and it should appear :)#god these guys are so gay#i did these a while ago but#i kinda forgot that i made this account on the first place to actually feel comfortable posting stuff#unlike. twitter#i wanted this account to feel like a safe space (it's not working)#imma vent a bit so if you don't want to read these it's fine#for some reason posting on twitter makes me feel extremely anxious#that's why i post 90% of my stuff on my circle#i'm going back to school like in 10 days :C#it's been two months already and i haven't done ANYTHING#i wasn't expecting to be this depressed i can't believe this
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I haven't been involved with coaching for almost 3 months now and somehow I am still getting dragged into the drama.
#personal#move back to your small hometown they said#it'll be fun they said#me chanting over and over again:#if you live here you get to see your family all the time#(this is a good thing for me i love my brother and his family)#dude honestly this whole thing is just hilarious at this point#anyway newest drama is that one of the parents thinks it's suspicious that i 'quit' the same time my best friend moved away#the shit that is being said about us right now??? fucking wild#i haven't told any of those kids why i really left because they don't need me to be gossiping about their current coach to them#that would be so unprofessional of me#i say like she wasn't spreading rumors about me to THEM directly last year#we are all in our 30s here why are we acting like fucking teenagers still#i'm about to be real petty when i go visit next week though#'oh my god you won't believe what i heard crystal is telling people at her salon'#to the coach not the kids lol#i have a sneaking suspicion that the she is involved in this gossip in an adjacent way not directly#and i want her to think about the shit she says before she says it#she's mad that i don't want to coach jv when i told her multiple times i don't want to run my own program#and that i'd be happy to help her out as an assistant coach but that having to deal with parents is my worst actual nightmare#see what's happening right now#literally the only reason i applied is because i love those kids and they were all freaking out about my friend leaving#because they thought their current coach was also going to be leaving#and i was like hey i won't leave you guys don't worry#it's her fault that she chose not to include me in any of her brainstorming for next year#if she really wanted me to be involved she would have been talking to me about it back in april#i'm literally barely pulling myself out of my grief hole about losing coaching#and i could have stayed around but i would have been miserable#because it wouldn't have been in the capacity that i really wanted#oof okay i feel a little better after venting a bit
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Laptop is finally home, diary is gone for good
#Hh#M'real tired#Whatever shadow print it had the day of has been officially overwritten - including in my just-after-the-fact save#Which is to be expected but it's still y'know. A lot#What kills me the most is the number of times I almost made an impulsive post over here and instead put it there#Trying to keep things more tidy and not night-brain nightblog not clutter the dash#But what do I back up semi-regularly? Of course#Made some art about it and cried and working through it#Having lost a piece of my external brain...I'd review it semi-often but only some things stand out#Dunno dunno - lots of thoughts still it's a bit fresh yet#Started a new one - what a place to start haha#One thing - thankfully - is that I didn't lose my liveblogging for reading which was very important to me#I lost Some of it because it was exclusive to that document but most is still retained separately in their own files#They're small pieces but they are Pieces#I'm also Extra glad I backed up my files before sending the lad off for repairs because a few more corrupted in the shuffle#Including my Osmosis Jones/Damned fic - luckily I got it back unharmed but gods if I'd lost those too...#I don't blame the tech at all he really tried his hardest - too many user errors and shit luck#Here's your [x]'d reminder to back up your important documents#Vent#To an extent I guess haha
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Learning how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable is important. I'm genuinely not okay when I hear, see, and research more about the genocide happening in Gaza, the history of Israel's founding, and its terroristic actions. It is important for me to know.
Taking short breaks (usually a couple of hours or so) does help when things get too much. Then, I return and continue engaging with reblogs on Palestine.
I really don't know what else to say, but this genocide must end. All genocides must end and must never happen again. Keep talking about Palestine, Armenia, Congo, and Sudan! Keep protesting! Keep fighting!
What is important now is to be as loud as you can be! Raise ruckus! Make your voice unavoidable! Be as annoying as possible! Do not let your representatives ignore this!
#// vent#// vent in tags#also eat butt biden you piece of shit I hope you don't get elected#no possibility of a ceasefire my ass WHAT THE HELL IS FUCKING STOPPING YOU FROM CALLING A CEASEFIRE#HOSPITALS SCHOOLS AND PLACES OF WORSHIP WERE BOMBED#YOU HAVE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE PROTESTING AROUND THE WORLD AND FROM THIS COUNTRY DO YOU NOT FUCKING HEAR THEM#Jewish protesters were arrested too; how does their protesting against Israel warrant arrest??#Some of them were also doxxed and harassed but they protesting is bad somehow okay I have serious questions about this#they do not want this at all; why are we arresting them??#what are we fucking doing? Denying someone's right to freedom of protest. Freedom of speech. For saying stop killing people.#god forbid the marginalized rise up and raise our voices once we understand what happened to us and what will happen to others#we all stand together we will see a better world; a world we finally be free#but that means the US needs to really take a bit of time to really realize it's own history and learn from it for once#how the hell I got here? What happened to my people? I read the stories of slaves who barely survived the boats on the way here#....annnd I remember that some history books in the South omit that part. What's up with that?#And the Native Genocide here too? The broken promises the US made to steal more land and kill more people#Why this keeps repeating???#palestine#tw colonialism#genocide
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Sometimes I get the urge to be like "Well, they can't live forever" when it comes to shitty situations with shitty people. But then I remember that A: shitty person dying might not be the result that someone wants, and B: it actually can take quite a while for people to die, in many cases
Idk I'm just so used to death being right around the corner that I'm like "Well maybe he'll die soon and that'll fix it" but he probably won't die that soon and it also might not fix it. Or be wanted.
Idk it's such a specific mentality that I have now. People can die with such short notice that you Never Know! The solution to all your problems may be short at hand. You never know.
#speculation nation#honestly i think the Year Of Death knocked a bit of a screw loose in me.#zero trust in anyone's longetivity. Any person around me could die with no warning at all. death comes in many forms.#including me! i could also die like that!#so people will ask things like 'do you think youll live until youre 70' and im like. i dont know!#i'll try to! but i could die next week. or today. or tomorrow. or in 50 years. it's all a giant game of gacha.#or perhaps russian roulette. but with a biiiiiiig barrel.#every day god cocks it back and pulls the trigger and Click! not my day to die today!#someday he'll pull that trigger and my metaphorical brains will blow. and yknow what i'll be dead so it wont even matter.#quite fortuitous that i already wasnt scared of death before getting such severe mortality awareness.#im gonna try to live as long as i can bc there are lots of things i still want to do. but when it's my time?#i'll be dead anyways. wont be able to care then.#theres a very specific kind of feeling that comes from dealing with sudden losses so consistently.#of receiving a call from someone who doesnt normally call you out of the blue and going 'oh boy someone else is dead now huh'#of answering it. having that hunch confirmed. and you just gotta go 'Okay. thanks for telling me.'#anyways i think theres something wrong with me but at least im still functioning fine. so it could be worse!#negative/#kinda lol. did get a bit into vent territory here.
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6 weeks of breathing clean air, I still miss the smoke…..
🏝️🤙🏄🏾♀️🏄🏼♂️💔
#seemed appropriate to use t swift lyrics since I associated so many of her songs with them &haven’t been able to listen to any of them sinc#I don’t even want to say their names#if you know you know#purging them from my life has been depressing as hell#I’m so fucking sick of behind the scenes bullshit ruining my favourite ships#this is the THIRD TIME this has happened to me btw#I’ve genuinely been in mourning#I’m not even exaggerating when I say that finale triggered a days long anxiety attack for me#it’s so ridiculous how something that wasn’t even real caused me to have physical symptoms of distress but it’s true#my heart wouldn’t stop racing. chest was tight. started shaking a few times. felt lightheaded. couldn’t sleep. eating made me sick#it was awful#but now I’ve mostly moved on to anger#I’m angry at a lot of people involved for different reasons#I’m also angry because I’ve lost my inspiration to write#I was solely committed to writing about them the past few years and now that they’re over I have no desire to write for them or another shi#I’m crushed that I’ve lost my joy for writing those ficlets but it’s too painful now. probably always will be tbh#feeling pretty lost creatively…#thank god I made a new friend on here before shit hit the fan#she and I have been venting out our sadness and frustrations together and it’s helped a lot#I hope everyone else in the fandom was able to find support like I did#I know my exit from the fandom was abrupt but I had just finished watching and was reacting purley on raw emotion#but I still think it was my best way to cope with it all#apologies for the rant and to everyone following me who don’t know wtf I’m talkimg about but I was thinking about them today#and I needed to unload a bit#I’m not going to tag anything but I do miss this fandom terribly#I’m still at a point where I don’t want to hear anything about this show or ship ever again… but yeah… I really miss those good times#take me back to the season 3 hype#THIS is the bad place#personal#laura says things
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google search how to shut off the fight or flight mode in my brain
#camera talks#WOOO. I’m a little bit dying out here#I don’t get why I’m so scared of seeing them#but I am and I think that’s really fucked up !!!#but I saw someone this morning that at a glance Looked like them and I panicked#almost had a panic attack and I just had to leave so I could walk and calm down#but like whyyy. why can’t my brain just register that they’re gone#and that overall they didn’t actually do anything to me I don’t know what to do#(or at least they didn’t actually do anything to my knowledge and I really only got hurt verbally so it shouldn’t be this Bad)#I feel so stuck in my fear#god okay whatever. I’m gonna go bake now <3#vent#delete later
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been coping with [gestures vaguely at family] by writing a little thing in my notes app of Guz and I having an exhaustion-fueled and stress-fueled argument and how we would handle that because good golly it is definitely better than how this family handles it lmao at the very least it would not be Constant Griping :')))
#get me OUTTA HEREEE#we might be gone an extra day now bc of some stuff happening and im just like... wanting to cry a little bit bc of it fjdkdl#my god these ppl sure can gripe though. its genuinely like. at least 60% of the talking is just complaining or arguing#i have been staying quiet as much as i can without being too quiet bc then i get accused of ''pouting'' or being ''owly''#im just trying to keep my mouth shut so yall dont get snippy at me 😭😭#i am exhausted tbqh dhfkfl we have... four or five more days left depending on if we take that extra day away#gritting my teeth and pushing through this !!!! with the love of blorbo giving me strength LMAO#it's kind of comforting though to write about arguments with Guz bc we would be able to talk it out afterwards#and figure out better ways of handling things and be proactive and also ACTUALLY APOLOGIZE GOODNESS GRACIOUS PLEASEEEE#okay theres my vent. its been bad DJFJDKL but I don't wanna come on here and dump my shit out everywhere and then disappear LOL#there have been pockets of good though so fjfkdl i take what i can get !! enjoying what i can !!#vent //#dandy.cmd
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back home and my washing is done and I need to eat lunch and do my ironing and then I've done all the tasks on my list and I can spend the rest of the day having a mental breakdown and then go straight to sleep woohoo
#wait no i cant bc my mum wants to call. well i can have like a 2 hr breakdown and then call her and make dinner and then get back to it#i cant go out or do anything nice its too much. for a taurus i rly suck at this hedonism shit 🙄#its fine just the comedown innit. love med mood swings bc i have smth to blame other than myself when i feel bad#and i was always gonna feel bad today anyway. its just a reminder of how im not even a real person and all i do is take from everyone#and i can never make up for that no matter how hard i try and i can never feel sorry enough abt it!!!!#lets not even get into it or ill be typing an entire monologue here. as per fucking usual anyway#its all good ill remember how to be normal in a bit 👍 god its so fucking embarrassing feeling like this sorry for ventposting#but i will blow the flat up with myself in it otherwise so. niche microblogging platform i use as a journal save me#eating my fuckign. Soup#.diaries#.vent
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the only thing that keeps me going in the school year is academic validation
#i am nothing without praise from teachers/my talent search woman officer thing#and my parents#last year i was crumbling because i kept getting sick and my grades dropped so much#not this year#i cannot do that again#god i always feel like my mental health is better during summer#i just get so bad during the school year#tw for relapse in this last bit don't continue if that's something you can't handle rn 🫶#also i always end up relapsing in the school year#with everything#my ed flares up so bad during school and my coping mechanism for that is not any better#im just trying to stay positive but its kinda hard when all of my thoughts are fighting in my head#bugs junk#vent#sorry guys#like#really sorry#i know i try to keep in positive and funny here#ill be fine soon my posts Will be normal again and sharks/mlm stuff again
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i try not to be jealous of other people’s transitions but i met someone last night who i hadn’t seen for a few years and i literally did not recognise her (but she recognised me) 🙃🙃🙃
#literally screaming into my pillow#tbf she has been on E for a year longer than me and puts more effort to present really femme#like. I wouldn’t want to look exactly like her bc her style is nothing like mine#but fuck my life??? i want to be unrecognisable SO BADLY#it stung especially bad bc i was dressed masc last night as a bit (for a party with a loose costume theme) and just felt so fucking ugly#and i was feeling hormonally shitty bc ive been off my meds for a month#fuck me.#it really fucking stung.#and i dont want to be jealous but i am.#vent#hrt#personal post#AND she has her american husband over here on a spousal visa.#i would kill to have my partner here!!!#god im so fucking jealous it’s actually not cool of me
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7 minutes into the latest imp and skizz podcast episode and i am fucking crying my eyes out man. fuck
#my heart is hurting so bad#and i am relating to this so fucking hard#cause im currently in this situation myself where ive recently got an autoimmune disorder that is affecting my career path so hard#and im just trying to fight through it but my body is not reacting good to any treatment#and it just goddamn hit me when scar talks about the 'chasing the cure' bit like fuck we're literally doing that with me as we speak#and ive been disabled for years now before this but its all been treatable in some way. and this just kinda hit me like a truck#good god i was not meant to vent or get personal on here but fuck i just needed to get it off of me#.post
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