#good god i was not meant to vent or get personal on here but fuck i just needed to get it off of me

[ashiyn]

7 minutes into the latest imp and skizz podcast episode and i am fucking crying my eyes out man. fuck

[phagodyke]

nvm im too tired and overstimulated for this shit

[gallaghercest]

Lyric Analysis - It's a Crime

Ok, this reunion really messed with my head. It feels like a dream come true. I never imagined to experience this. I've been listening to Oasis non-stop since the 27th. I've been obsessing with these two fuckers in such a way that I haven't done since I was 16.

My current obsession has been It's A Crime. It's a demo from 1999, SOTSOG era. A few years later it was released as a single during the Don't Believe The Truth era as "Let There Be Love". Mind you that LTBL is the second song Liam and Noel sing together, the first being Acquiesce - yes, that one where Noel sings they need and believe in each other.

I always knew these lyrics were a huge piece of evidence, but for some reason, I never managed to understand what it meant. It was sort of an enigma to me.

Well, let's get into it. It won't be anything groundbreaking, just my thoughts on the lyrics as I need to vent with someone.

Disclaimer: I don't ship Liam and Noel, these are only thoughts and theories about their relationship, and this is all merely for entertainment purposes. Noel/Liam, if you're reading this, please don't sue me. I'm cool.

Before we start, I'd like to remind you of My version/timeline of Liam and Noel's relationship as this will help you understand my analysis:

Their thingy started around 1992, as Liam and Noel got closer to each other because of Oasis;

I firmly believe Noel was the starter, hence Lock All The Doors (1992) lyrics. Why did Liam agree with that? Fuck knows. I'd die to know that;

Noel was the one who showed more affection/was head over heels in love during 1992-1995. He was always writing about Liam and treating him like a God. Liam loved Noel too but I just think he had more important things to care about, he didn't really see how important Noel's love and public displays of affection were. He was too immature to realize that and value Noel's love. We know Noel is a cold person by nature so showing his vulnerable side to Liam was something important to him, but Liam couldn't understand that;

Then we have 1996. Boom. That was the first time their ""relationship"" was in crisis. I don't know if it was because of their wives or if a single episode we're unaware of led to a crisis. I sadly don't have that info. I also believe Noel went to Mustique Island as a way to cope with/escape this crisis. He recorded nearly all the demos for Be Here Now there, including If We Shadows and Untitled. Haha. The boy was depressed as hell;

Things seemed to get a lot better in 1997-1998;

1999-2001 is a strange period, it seems off - they seemed more distant, but at the same time, there are some hints Noel was still willing to give themselves one more try. I don't have many thoughts on that period;

2002: they seemed to be on pretty good terms, but guess what: from this year onwards, their roles switched - Liam started to be the one who's most affectionate, and more passionate and needy, while Noel was more distant, and cold. That was their dynamics until 2007-2008;

2009 was a terrible year for them so I won't even bother to comment on that.

Well, you can say what you want But you won't get a thing from me And if you don't understand That's it's not in your hands you need Let there be love

You'll notice that, throughout the song, Noel uses the words "want" and "feel"/"mean" in the first line of each verse, because there's a difference between what Liam wants to say and what Liam needs to say. We'll get into that later on.

I think this verse supports what I said about Noel being emotionally unavailable during the SOTSOG era and post-2002. I don't know what happened in 1996 but he seemed to be extremely bitter ever since (1997 being an exception). No matter how many times Liam told him he loved Noel, no matter how Liam showed his affection or begged for Noel's attention, he wouldn't get it. The old Noel was dead.

The last three lines, in my opinion, show that what Liam needs is Noel's love, something that's irreplaceable in his life: there's nothing Liam can do on his own that would replace what they have, and no one else on Earth could give Liam the same love - so it's really not in his hands. This also accentuates how Noel likes to be in charge/have power.

"Let there be love". Noel is telling Liam that he should let love take over him, and thus be more expressive. Noel always says how Liam is an angry man, etc, so this is just a message to remind him that he's still able to love.

But you can say what you feel And it might never steal from me And then you must understand That it's all in your hands what you need Let there be love

English is not my first language so I have no idea if the "steal from me" is an idiom that means anything other than the regular meaning of it. The first line shows that all Noel wanted was Liam to be more verbal about them i.e. show more affection.

Third and fourth lines show that Noel's way of loving solely depends on Liam's actions - if Liam shows his love, Noel's happy and will express his love too. By saying that, we must think: does that mean Noel's love is not unconditional? Does it mean a huge part of Noel's obsession with Liam was a need to feel approved and needed by Liam, which is (plot twist) basically the exact same way Liam felt about Noel during… his entire life? In the end, both wished for the same thing from each other but were poor communicators.

Again, Noel thinks his love is all Liam needs, but Liam is unaware of it.

And I never knew But all the things that you've done Are coming right back to you But everybody knows that it's no crime

1994 Noel would never have imagined that their relationship would be in shambles in 1996, or that they would go through such emotionally-distant periods, ever.

My understanding of this whole verse is that Noel was aware that Liam was getting his karma, not only regarding their relationship but with life in general, and Noel never imagined that would ever happen, as Liam always seemed to get away with absolutely everything when they were younger.

Although Liam and Patsy had Lennon in 1999, they got divorced in 2000, so we can suppose things were not very nice when this demo was recorded. Although Liam was sober around the SOTSOG recordings in 1999, he was Drunk™️ as hell on the second Wembley night in 2000. Liam didn't value Noel's love in the early years, and now he's paying for that "mistake". In Noel's mind, that's no crime. People reap what they sow, whether that's good or bad.

But does it make you feel ashamed? You never said what you've done And there's no need to blame But everybody knows Yeah, everybody knows Everybody knows that it's no crime It's no crime

These lines are sort of a mystery to me. "You never said what you've done". What does Noel mean by that? Is he talking about the 1ncest? Or is Liam not able to admit he failed to meet Noel's emotional needs? I believe it is the latter. In Noel's mind, that would be a reason for Liam to be ashamed, but at the same time, he can't blame him, since Noel was the one who started all of this.

For a second, while I was reading the lyrics, I realised the first three lines were kind of familiar to me. Then I had an epiphany and noticed that Noel has written something similar in Stay Young, released in 1997: They're making you feel so ashamed/Making you taking the blame. As I always say, guilt, blame, shame, being a sinner, and wanting to escape from people are recurrent themes in Noel's lyrics. I wonder why…………..

So you can say what you want But you'll not get a thought from me But if you say what you mean Then you might get a thing from me Let there be love

This just reflects what I said above: if Liam says whatever he pleases - or, in this case, if he's not verbal with Noel -, Noel will shut down. However, if Liam says what he really feels deep inside, Noel might be cool to him. That line shows me that despite Liam being immature and not valuing Noel in the past/present, he still knew Liam genuinely loved him the same way he did. Noel just had this (ego-guided?) desire to hear that. Clearly, Noel's language of love is words of affirmation (he's such a Gemini!!!), and Liam's is acts of service (he's such a Virgo!!!). That's it.

While I was writing the above paragraph, I thought, "Am I going nuts? What if everything I'm writing is pure bullshit?". So I refreshed my Tumblr timeline and saw THIS:

It's a Liam quote from 2006. It's literally what I've been saying throughout this whole analysis. Liam thinks words are not necessary. But Noel does. Do I think Noel complained about Liam's lack of communication with Liam himself? Probably not. Noel'd probably think that'd be humiliating. I think there's a high chance that Noel just vented about it in his lyrics and when he was face-to-face with Liam, they'd simply fight with each other as a way to express the frustration they felt inside caused by each of them not being able to act the way they expected, love-wise.

If I ever knew That all the things I've thought Are coming right back to you But everybody thinks that it's a crime

First things first: I love Noel's delivery of the word "Crime" in this verse. It's so agonizing, you can really feel his guilt/desperation.

To me, this verse shows how Noel knows the 1ncest and his own actions/way of treating Liam impacts Liam's life and way of being, and also their relationship in general. It all started with a thought in Noel's mind back in 1992. An intrusive one, most likely. But Noel wasn't able to brush it off and eventually gave in to his forbidden wishes. If he ever knew how that would affect them forever, he'd have never done that (no shit, Sherlock).

Obviously, everybody would think what they have is a crime. Because, luckily, people are sane. Alternatively, Noel might meant that even when Liam does something wrong or gets what he deserves, people still think it's a crime for him to be held accountable for his actions. As I mentioned above, Noel is convinced that Liam is the world's protegé, a kind of invincible human being who is never blamed by anyone.

It never makes you feel ashamed You sit around and you sold And you're passing the blame But everybody knows Yeah everybody knows Everybody knows that it's a crime It's a crime

Now, Noel is kind of blaming Liam for not doing anything to change his behaviour, being convinced that Noel's the reason why everything is shite and blaming him for it. Or maybe blaming other people/situations to justify his behaviour/lack of expression of feelings.

Either way, unless Noel would address his desires directly to Liam, it doesn't make a lot of sense in my head to be a bitch about it. I mean, get a grip. Stop writing songs about it and do something!!! Cry in public!!! Make a press conference to expose how Liam is non-verbal with you!!!

Last lines conclude that, in the end, 1ncest is still a crime. Who would've thought?

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- That's it - hope you missed me and enjoyed this. Kiss Kiss JM

[cookinguptales]

So… last week I made a vent post about an accessibility issue I’d had with some podcasters. I really only meant for the post to be read by my followers (who to my knowledge aren’t familiar with the podcast in question) which is why I put minimal tags on it and didn’t name the show.

But… the post got legs that I wasn’t expecting, and eventually a lot of people asked for the name of the show. I hadn’t intended on creating a whole big thing, so I was kind of reluctant, but I did see the logic in what they were saying — as a disabled woman myself, I would also want to know if I were supporting podcasters whose values did not align with mine. So I told people quietly in the notes that the show had been Old Gods of Appalachia.

Things… did not stay quiet.

Frankly speaking, one of the reasons why I don’t write as many posts about disability and ableism these days is because I got tired of people writing to me and telling me that people like me should be dead. So you can imagine what kind of fucking week I’ve been having since all that blew up. It’s been a very high symptom week, too, so I’m just. Very tired and stressed rn.

Personally, I’d be happy to never talk about it again and try to get back to my everyday life, but I did think it was important to note that the creators of OGOA must have gotten wind of the post, and they did contact me.

I won’t post the whole email here, but it was a good response. Since seeing my post, they’d tried getting in contact with the venue and realized very quickly why I’d been so frustrated. They ended up needing to go through their booking agent to get any kind of answers — so like, to the people who sent me a thousand messages telling me I was an entitled idiot who just needed to contact the venue, please know that none of you were remotely helpful.

Again, I’m not going to post the entire email, but I did think it was important to be fair and use the same platform that I used to vent to tell people that they seem committed to doing better in the future. They told me that they would be making sure that they have all this information going forward and that they would no longer allow it to be such a barrier to entry for disabled fans.

They invited me back to the show and… god, I’ll admit it. I really had to think about my answer. Not to sound ungrateful, but after the week I’ve had, even thinking about the podcast, the podcasters, and that damn live show has me stressed af. I had to really consider whether I even wanted to go.

But in the months since I first contacted them, they added a show that’s a lot closer to where I live, so rather than a weekend trip, I could just take a single bus. And it’s near one of my favorite Japanese restaurants in the city, so if all else fails, I can at least have some good katsudon. So I will be going to the Philadelphia show.

(Though for fellow disabled fans, Terakawa Ramen is not wheelchair accessible. 🙃 Most days I can do the two steps into the restaurant, but not always. Philly, I love and loathe you.)

Anyway, I wanted to reply to them before I made a post here, but… yeah. We’ve worked things out, I think. Only the future can tell what they'll do going forward but they do seem committed to doing better.

To me, there are always two goals when I write about disability and ableism. The first is that disabled people will feel seen. That is always, always my primary goal. It’s so easy for us to feel invisible and unimportant, and I always want to make you all feel seen, just like I want to feel seen. The second is that able-bodied folks will listen and learn and do their best to support their disabled peers in the future.

So… I think that my post managed to fulfill both of those goals. A lot of disabled people have reblogged that post and have talked about their own experiences, and a lot of them have explicitly said how much that post makes them feel seen. And the podcasters in question seem to have really reflected on their actions and seem to want to do better going forward.

So as incredibly fucking stressed out as I’ve been, I guess I can’t regret making the post. It’s always good to know that your words can have impact. The post has long since moved out of my friends circle so I assume it’ll just keep circulating and I’ll keep getting shitty anons and chat messages, but I’m just gonna focus on what good has come from it. I’m hopeful that my post will make life tangibly better for at least a few disabled people, and I’m encouraged by the fact that podcasters who I’d formerly liked do actually seem to want to do the work needed to improve.

And uh I’m not answering any more messages from people who just wanna swear at me. I’m tired. Leave me alone.

[jasmineiros]

I wasn't going to post this here due to the somewhat sensitive subject of idolization of celebrities and I actually already vented on Instagram stories, but once the dam breaks out it's useless to even try to contain it. And the only thing that is flooding my mind now is rage.

I already hated millionaires, but after Taylor Swift came to Brazil to that freaking circus people called a concert, I hated them even more.

In case you're not aware, Brazil is dealing incredibly badly with the climate crisis. In Rio they hit the temperature of 60°C (100F, but the sensation was of 140F). It was the highest temperature registered SO FAR. A mix of this unbearable heat and the fact that the staff managing the production of concert used certain materials such as god-damned metal to cover certain structures made several people to get severe burns and 23-year-old die of a heart attack.

Now, that's where the irony comes.

After hearing the news, the best Taylor could ever do was posting a stories saying "how sorry she was and she was so young and she was so beautiful and blablabla" but also very vehemently reinforcing that "due to her grief she wasn't going to say anything about it during the show". I mean, a person who technically loved her, had to get donations to travel across the country and literally died because of this god-damned concert and you can't even make a tiny, small tribute for her. She didn't even mention her name in the stories, which was Ana Clara, btw.

She or the staff never reached out to the family to ask if they needed anything, even though they absolutely had the means to do it. Several years ago, when a Rihanna fan was murdered, she personally paid for the expenses of the funeral, because the family couldn't afford it.

And it gets worse.

She cancelled her next performances due to the climate issues. Being herself is the biggest celebrity CO2e polluter of this year so far. And she got back to the US. In a fucking private jet.

I mean, this combo couldn't be more unbelievable. She not only completely dehumanized an incredibly painful and serious situation, as she, with the 1% of magnates that literally rule this planet, is simply the root cause of the imminent destruction of this planet but it doesn't matter, as long as she still has money being shoved into that white ass of hers.

Or maybe I'm being naive, maybe it's our fault, after all, monkeys are meant to the zoo, not to be in the presence of an untouchable, perfect and almighty nature force such as she, since apparently she can't even breathe the same air we do by just using a freaking common airplane, like a sensitive and sane person would.

The fact that she will just run out and make other concerts with that same innocent angel aura, even though she displays a borderline psychopath behavior, like she still was the 16-year-old girl writing songs about her break ups is absolutely unbelievable to me.

This is just so similar to when that cryptofascist piece of trash of Aurora decided it would be just a good idea to make a shallow and generic discourse about love and acceptance and how everyone is being cancelled nowadays when a member of her band posted and gestured dog whistle supremacy symbols on more than one occasion.

Honestly I wish I could feel anything else right now, but the only thing I can still manage to internalize and express is pure hate.

[rifualk]

On Mental Health and Cosmic Embarrassment

I don't usually make a post in the aftermath of one of my spirals, so I bet most people see some of the vent posts I make, and assume I am just off my meds or something. I am on them but I might not be on the right ones. This is a thing that happens to me sometimes. I have psychotic episodes, where it feels like the things I am saying are completely inconsequential and I genuinely believe no one cares what I'm saying or, worst of all, that it cannot scare anyone that cares about me. I get too tired to fight my intrusive thoughts and I just ride them out. Most of my thoughts are not ones I enjoy having. I have trouble parsing what is real sometimes. For most of my life, out of a kind of primal shame and terror of being perceived or judged, I beat myself into believing that I just roleplayed as a crazy person online because I wanted attention for it, but it finally clicked for me at some point in my 20s that I was, and am, genuinely very mentally ill, maybe in ways that make me not-entirely-functional in the culture I inhabit. Also, I want attention for it.

Life is very embarrassing. I think embarrassment, shame, et al. is probably the most cosmic feeling of them all, because being embarrassed, for me anyway, leads invariably to my OCD extrapolating the embarrassment, no matter how slight, into its natural extreme, becoming a full-blown existential meltdown and often manifesting in some self-punishment. Or a lot of self-punishment. Instead of saying "everyone wants attention, it's not a big deal", my brain will overwhelm me with shame and make me vow to be quieter about the whole thing next time. Good emotions are meant to be expressed, I tell myself, and Bad ones are not. I think it's very unhealthy for people to not express their negative emotions openly. Or maybe I'm psychotic. I mean, I am psychotic. But maybe right now, too.

Ultimately this feeling peaks with the realization - again - that I'm a eukaryote. I live on a spinning ball of stardust in the aftermath of what had to have been a colossal disaster and waste of time. But it happened, and so now there's a bunch of stuff floating around, and some of that stuff started moving for reasons I don't personally understand and the implications of which scare me. And the moving stuff that moved faster got to stay moving longer. And so a chain reaction escalated, and eventually there were very large moving things whose survival adaptations had evolved in such a way that they could conceptualize and communicate complex information about the world around them, but they were also able to conceptualize themselves. This gave them a lot of grief. They wanted very badly for there to be an answer to why they were able to do that. Surely it served some purpose. But we never found one, and here we are.

I don't have a god to turn to. I have tried - earnestly, sincerely, and desperately - to reach out; I never hear back. I don't want to be an atheist, it's heartbreaking. Honestly. I want someone to be up there, or out there. Knowing there isn't, is just... cruel. It's horrifying and it wrenches my heart. Look at us, look how much we're suffering, where the fuck did you go, what the fuck is your problem? Help us!

In spite of everything, I am still not sure what I believe.

Don't you ever just cry about the world? Like, broadly? Don't you ever just have to take off your glasses and wipe the brine from them because you caught a glimpse of what people, as a species, could be capable of? And I get angry at myself, too. What am I doing about it? What even can I do? I can barely hold down a job. I am barely an adult. I am often mired in this feeling. It permeates everything. I'm living in a tragedy - not just my own, but millions and millions of others'. This is a nightmare. It's a nightmare and I'm an embarrassment, and my brain doesn't work right, and I'm living in a terrible reality that is shared by everyone, and yet somehow equally isolating and alienating to all of us. Does it have to be that way? Aren't we all lonely?

When I am spiraling I really do think that the end is near, either for me, or for everyone, or for both. To be fair, my confidence about humanity's future is not promising even when I am at my most sane. But in this kind of emotional place, the stakes are too high for me to care that what I say might come off as upsetting. It is completely overwhelming. I see my life up to this point, and I see how long I've been alive and realize I'm very Not Normal and I look and sound different than everyone around me and I'm an embarrassment. It's embarrassing to exist. It's embarrassing to be transgender, too. It's really, really embarrassing to be mentally ill and fully aware of it all the time. It's shameful. I am ashamed of how my family likely sees me. How my peers see me. I'm just a walking disaster. I feel like this bars me from leading a happy life or finding some success in art - It doesn't seem like you're allowed to be quite this much of a problem and "get away with it", does it? There's a bit of social sanitizing at work there - you are only allowed to be a certain level of messed up and if you pass that you're sort of a pariah. I don't think I've ever done anything pariah-worthy, but I can only see things from the inside of my own head, and there's a lot of unwanted noise in here.

I painted this when I lived in Oregon. I don't know how. I could not do art like this again if asked.

I'm not in a good place, generally-speaking. It could be worse - and it was for a long time- but it's still just not great. The main reason is that I am very homesick. I grew attached to the Pacific Northwest in a way I've never really grown attached to any other place. It had a quality that exists nowhere else. It resonated with me immediately and I knew right away from the moment I first set foot there that it was my home. I grew to be a part of it, and it's the only place I felt I somewhat-belonged... I have been away from Oregon for 2 whole years as of next month. I feel like I'm a fish out of water, or a sapling in the wrong soil. I can't and won't say that the place I live currently is a bad place, but it isn't my place, and the disconnect has been maybe the nastiest shock to my system in all my life. Finding the place I loved, and living for over 12 years there, only to be wrenched away from it so suddenly, left a shock on me that I think has yet to surface in my work. I'm excited to see what form it takes when it does. Location is very important to my mental wellbeing, more than I think it is for most people. Maybe I am a plant. It's also very important for my art. I've struggled to find inspiration since I moved here. That said, I've had the very precious opportunity to just work on myself - on my transition, as well as my personal issues. I think I'm getting better, gradually, in some way. I have a job now, at least. So it's not entirely bad. I even grew sunflowers last summer.

Around this time I got banned from twitter, but I don't feel any shame about the reason why because I believe in my message. But it forced me to be a lot less active online for a long time. It also made me lose a lot of support. That's been something I've grappled with a lot these last 2 years - that people really don't like people like me, for reasons that are mostly not our fault. I will likely always be something of an outsider for being who I am now, but I was one before anyway. It's still worth it. I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like only recently did I allow myself to feel this self-love. I was too embarrassed of myself. It took a lot of patience and a lot of de-tangling my self-worth from a lot of trauma. So it's likely I would have needed to go through all of this regardless of where I was.

I still slip up. It's an uphill climb and it's slippery. I like to be transparent about these things. It's a relief - feeling like I need to hide things is my default state and it's lovely to just let go of stuff so I don't need to keep it in my head all the time. I have a lot of hangups still. I get discouraged about my art still - I fear I'll never build myself back up to where I was before, and that there will never be a time when I can really pay the bills with it. Or worse-still, that it just isn't special enough to last. That it isn't remarkable enough to survive after I'm gone. But I think a lot of people who make stuff feel that way, and it's not our fault. There's some relief in that. I'm happy to have even a few people that care about me and my work, and something I've been trying really hard to remember in recent years is to take time to appreciate them. I'm not actually alone. I have a lot of people that love me. I'm not an outsider. I'm very lucky to know the people I do, and I hold a deep regret for all the connections I've let go of because I was just too sick. Deep down I really do wish I could love everyone. I have no ill will towards anyone, not really.

I still don't know what I'm doing. I am just doing my best, I think. I'm really, really tired. I don't want to get any older. I'm scared of the passage of time. My memory is so bad, it feels like time is taken from me without me realizing. I am 33 years old. I do not have 33 years worth of memories. There are huge leaps. Gaps where suddenly I was just older and in more pain. Being adrift in time like this is horrific - one day I will blink, and the present moment may be completely forgotten. It can't go this fast. It just can't. Something has to be wrong. I don't want to die, I don't want to miss out on so much life or be unable to remember it. I don't want to find myself on my deathbed someday way sooner than I think and be unable to string together any kind of coherent thread from my memories. What is it all for? It has to mean something right? Why am I doing anything?

I think I finally understand that love is why. I don't know much more than that. Love is real, and it's the answer. If you find love, don't take it for granted, ever. No love is perfect. Take it with all its flaws. You don't have time to bargain with it. Love like you'll never love again, love like it's your last day alive, love like it will keep you alive forever, because it will. Every year closer to death you get, you will feel the regret of all the times you did not follow your heart. Life is short. I'm finding this out entirely too late. It goes by so fast, and what you have at the end are people and memories of being loved. To be loved is to live forever. It's the thing that connects us to everything else. It's the source and the answer to everything. It makes more sense the older I get. It used to sound cheesy, but I believe it with more sincerity every day.

I'll be okay, okay

I once promised someone that I would stop self-harming. They are no longer in my life, but I kept the promise anyway. There are no new scars on my arms, or bruises on my head or face. I'm keeping this promise for myself, now.

[whorecoded]

Make a tier list of your sonas pleaseeee

OMG an ask. in my inbox... HI!!! i can do this but it took me a minute to really think . heres my list! with pics for fun :3 i will say that this is actually so hard because my sonas reflect different parts of us collectively not just the host, dirk's. like while they are explicitly dirk's sonas he did try to put a lot of thought into representing more than just him. thats also part of the reason each sona is based on aesthetics. darling is lovecore, dizzie is scene, nova is space, chorus is angelcore and reve is dreamcore. all of these are things we collectively enjoy and represent different parts of us, although we do also have a collective sona lol. i will also say we love all our sonas so dearly like aughghgh

1) darling - i feel like once i got her design down drawing her just became so natural and cmon. he is so pretty you cant look at him and tell me you DONT want him. be for real! not only that but lovecore is just so fun and like come onnn the horns and the heart bun and the cute locs like. also shes been really helpful for us to explore drawing our ACTUAL body type and not just like an Attempt at making her Slightly bigger. hes hot as fuck and people love him and he is fat, like us, and it makes us happy to think about :3

2) reve - I JUST MADE THIS GUY but its so fucking cute are you squidding me. i LOVE how he looks and im so so satisfied with the colors and just the theme looks so .. well thought out LOL. which is rare for us and also the unicorn / fae theme it has going on is really fun for us because we identify with a Lot of different things therian/kin/system wise. not only that but reve is meant to represent our more neurodivergent tendencies. he hides his eyes because he has a Stare that many would describe as offputting. he's not keen on masking behaviors like stimming or needing personal space or music to help him throughout the day, and this is something we've been trying to be better about

3) nova - nova was the first to be created out of these 5 goobers and theyre currently undergoing another revamp. weve always felt his design was cute but a little bland, im going to be updating his design to blend it more with his first designs! shes getting her chest fluff back :3 once i add some of the details we miss about stars old designs im sure that they'll be on par with reve, space themes are OUR JAM!! and we identify very heavily with space and stars, so we're excited to give him back some old starry patterning too. heres an icon of him below by a lovely artist showcasing his older patterning! such a cutie !!

4) dizzie - dont get me wrong i love dizzie a lot especially with his banger new hairstyles, i think he's adorable and we finally got his pattern down but BY GOD was it a challenge. dizzie has probably gone through the most overt revamping, weve been figuring it out and i can pretty confidently say we are in love with his current design, we just have to draw him more <3

5) chorus - i feel so bad putting chorus at the bottom of the list because angel themes are also so uscore but we barely draw him :( this will change soon because with the lore we're giving these 5 theyre all gonna be interacting with one another in the band they have, as well as the counterpart band we made for them! chorus is the bassist in the band gummypawz that all 5 of these guys are in and it has a counterpart in the band mourning maws that is like evil chorus LOL. his name is judas and theyre very gerard way / frank iero coded <3 all that to say chorus is actually a really good sona for us to do vent art with, we actually did a redraw of something we did last year using chorus last night, so have that!

anyways THANK YOU FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY TO YAP im so fucking sorry that it got this long i know this was probably way more than you were expecting but im a grade A yapper and i will not shut the fuck up about my guys. everyone ask me questions about them forever and ever please 😄 also an apology for if any of this was incomprehensible im currently a little bit maybe possibly High. THANK YOU AGAIN!!!

[lilithsterrarium]

oooo you wanna ignore this post soo bad (long, long, aimless rambling lilith vent about pretty much everything. if this would even slightly upset you, please dont read- im okay, im safe, and i have plenty of people to talk to. im not here for advice or comfort, i just need to scream into the void a little. capiche? capiche.)

God, I really am fucking pathetic, and I WISH I meant that in a hot way.

As soon as I'm handed even a little bit of size/dominance in a scene I start spiralling like mad- how is it this bad, how did I develop this level of dysmorphia??? I can't be comfy in my own fucking body because the only way I ever would be is not only impossible but absolutely ridiculous.

I'm not a good person. Not from an inherently moral standpoint (though believe me, I think I failed there, too), but in the fact I am just bad at being a person. My depression meds dont work, I can't do anything that requires my attention span for longer than five minutes, my brain acts like doing a small, menial task in the equivalent of throwing my body in a wood chipper, I am lazy, it doesnt matter how much sleep I get, I'm still fucking tired ALWAYS, my hands are too big and meaty to do anything even remotely dexterous, I'm a chronic liar, I have proven time and time again that I can't beat addictions, I am a living, breathing waste of money for my loved ones, I have absolutely zero foresight, zero hindsight, and a whopping zero plans for the future!!!

Truth be told, two days ago marks the anneversery of the night I tried to take my life, and some nights I really, really wish it had just worked that time. But I made a promise to a friend that I wouldm't hurt myself and I am dedicated to at least stay true to ONE fucking thing so instead I'm just gonna sit and distract myself like I always do, because all of this is just the fucking tip of the iceberg and its brought on by ONE little trigger of someone pushing an even remotely dominant role onto me and fuck im rambling uh abada abada abada thats all folks!!!!!!!!!!

[iheartgaykey]

Hiii Ellie! I know this might sound a bit corny but I just have to say how excited I am for your AU Locked Up?? You’ve been such a huge art inspiration for me ever since I started following you and it goes way beyond DHMIS!! Every piece you create always leaves me in awe and you have no idea how much YOU have inspired me to experiment with bold colors. The way you execute everything is just so flawless it pushes me to do better every time I see your work! I don’t say this nearly enough but you’re really funny and you’re also just so much fun to be around! I really wish I could express more often how much I appreciate everything you’ve done and the time you’ve spent following me.. IT TRULY DOES MEAN A LOT TO ME AAJFDHGFDGF THE WAY WE JUST HAVE THESE REALLY STUPID INSIDE JOKES. We can never let "abc to shoot me in the face and kil me instantly " die or "home is where the ward is" I'MGONNA CRY I wasn't sure which account to send this but also you don't have to reply to it AT ALL I honestly get how cringe it might look I JUST HOPE YOU KNOW I'LL ALWAYS HAVE YOUR BACK. Even if you need to vent or rant about something you're free to reach out to me! Never stop talking about that Key, Never stop talking about $oulbomb and just keep spamming the fuck out of this account -💌🩷

This timing is so good actually I've been rereading this like all day.THANK YOU SO MUCH DOLLY YOU FR DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I've been so stressed for the past few days bc alot has been going on (to be expected but that's a story for another day) so hearing this actually made my day my week my month and my year please never ever stop being you and never let your friends parents or anyone put you down bc good god doll you are genuinely an amazing person. I DO NOT DESERVE THIS AAGH NEVER EVER.THINK YOU HAVE TO HELP OR COMFORT OTHER PPL I could yap all day about everything you brought up here but I'll try to keep it a bit short FIRSTLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVEN READING SOME OF THE SHIT I POST MOST OF THE TIME (for some reason...) I ASSUME PPL JS LIKE MY POSTS & DONT READ THEM... I was originally going to give up on my dhmis au bc I DID NOT THINK anyone gave a shit abt the pilot anymore bc I am a few years late.. (joined the fandom early last year methinks..) ALSO I AM STILL SO SHOCKED I INSPIRE YOU AT ALL WHAT :(((/POS

I WOULD LOVE to talk abunch abt why I likey bright neons sm bc I think it does show a lot in my art (I fell in love with neons a few years ago js like $oulbomb bc I was looking for a specifc genre of items and found them before I had a name for em ♡) AND YOU STILL SOMEHOW PULL OF NEON FUNNY COLORS BETTER THAN ME??? the way u draw is so magical it KIND OF REMINDS ME OF GACHA/POS everytime I talk to my family abt tumblr or literally anything dhmis related my brother brings up abc to shoot me in the face and kil me instantly...

THANK U FOR SENDING IT TO THIS ONE BTW I DONT LIKE CLUTTERING MY MAIN BC ITS MEANT TO BE AESTHETIC AND PRETTY ♡ (Only real fans follow iheartgaykey AND pastelliek...) (even realer fans follow dreidreck too wink wink/ref) SORRY FOR REPLYING LATE A LOT HAS BEEN HAPPENING TODAY D: I ALSO WANTED TO KEEP THIS FOR MYSELF FOR A BIT IN MY INBOX..

[risingsouls]

[Smol little vent(?) under the cut]

[I'm tired. So so tired. This website, the people on it, have really just tried me this week and this is the closest I've ever been to wanting to leave this site altogether. And it hurts me to feel this way; I love writing and the shenanigans and the friends I've made but I've just felt...I don't know how to describe it. I feel like everything I do is wrong. That every post I make no matter how innocent will be twisted and upset someone. Like I'm just getting into a space where I feel like, no matter what I do, even if I were to play up the fakest, super nicest person in the world who never spoke her mind or gave her opinion on anything and made my characters follow suit, I would still be demonized. I would still be painted as a villain for some reason.

And like. I really don't care if people don't like me. It is what it is. I'm A Lot and I'm not dumb enough to think that anyone is going to be everyone's cup of tea. But god. God. It's exhausting to try and reach out to people and make connections just to be told how awful you are to them. It's hard to just try to have fun and be myself just to be told I'm an asshole. It's hard to express how you feel about what someone said to you or anything just to be told you're being manipulative. It's exhausting to try and help someone just for others to get annoyed by it. And I'm not perfect. Not by a fucking long shot. I've never claimed to be. I think I've been pretty clear that I know I'm horrifically flawed and have made a good share of mistakes in my life. And I'm not denying I've probably said shit that hurts people's feelings, too, even though it is never my intent. But I really just feel that I'm caught in an endless loop of damned if I do, damned if I don't.

And I don't want to feel like I just need to leave this hellsite. I'll be frank: I'm fucking lonely. I don't have friends here and, while I'm fine talking to the people I do almost daily, there are friends here that I would miss. Connections that aren't as tight-knit and wouldn't survive me not tending these assholes here. And I know how pathetic that sounds but it's true.

I don't know. I rambled more than I meant to. Nothing will probably come of this but...I don't know. I don't know if I can do this anymore. It hasn't felt fun in a long time. And when I try to have fun, it's wrong.]

[i-am-just-a-skeleton]

i don't talk much about mental health stuff on here but y'know we're having a bit of a moment and i think it's best to get it out of the system so. i guess this is a vent post, fair warning if you do read any of it i will be talking rather extensively about my experiences with depression

anyway i really don't feel like. i mean, there are times i can convince myself that i probably don't actually have depression, like, i feel fine. most of the time, i think. but then there are times like the last few weeks, where i just get. sad, and lonely, and tired, and there doesn't seem to be any reason i should be but it's there anyway. and there are times i convince myself that even that's normal, i mean, it's not like i've ever actually tried to kill myself, right? i spent almost all of secondary school wishing i would just disappear like i'd never existed at all, i wanted to die, but i never did anything did i? i hardly even self harmed, i mean, i can remember, what, once? but like. it doesn't take much reflection to realise that it's not normal for a fucking child to be crying in a corner thinking it would be better for everyone if they were gone and planning to just stay there until they died, thinking or hoping that no one would even notice. but i have so many memories of that exact thing. from so far back. and in a lot of ways i think. i feel like my life was good, too good to justify my ever feeling like that. but god i was so fucking lonely as a child. i can count on one had the number of friends i had in all of primary school and. it's not like i was ever really alone, but it was always sort of, there was the group, and there was one or two members of the group i was friends with. and they all had other friends, but i didn't. i was just. hanging around the edges. until, i think about year 8, because my best friend (that was only the second person i'd ever thought of as my best friend. the first was in year 2-3 ish but he moved away and i never saw him again) had moved and there were. a lot of other things as well, my parents getting divorced, the very first hints of my first gender crisis, i'd just gotten diagnosed with autism and barely fucking knew what that meant but i did realise on some level that there was something wrong with me (which included registering the depression since i finally knew that was a thing. but at that point i'd been dealing with it for so long that it hardly felt like a serious problem).

but anyway, that was the first year i was really, really alone. i had no friends whatsoever for nearly all of that year and i was a mess. i honestly barely have any memories of it but there are several of crying at school which i. do not fucking do. because i. don't really cry anymore, i hardly can even if i want to. i did make new friends in the years after that, but still, the ones i was friends with then i don't really talk to now. and i do have friends now. but i still have that feeling, even though i'm more part of the group now, i have five or six frineds instead of one or two, i feel like i'm just hanging onto the edges, they're all better friends with eachother than any of them are with me, and. and the person who's been my best friend for the past two years is gone and i might never see them again and i'm afraid that even if i do they might. we both might be so different that we don't fit together anymore. i haven't seen them in months i don't even know if they're okay. i feel like i'm getting farther away from the rest of the group and i don't know what i'll do if i lose them too. i feel like i don't hardly mmatter to any of them, i barely speak when we're all together and so much of it feels like i'm trying too hard and i just. i feel like i don't care enough about people because if i did i would put in more effort to be a better friend i would put up more of a fight when i felt myself drifting away from the people i love but. but i don't. every single time i just let it happen and don't do a single fucking thing about it and then they forget me. and it probably is better that way because i was never a very good friend to anyone was i. i'm so scared that i'm never going to be able to live on my own but i know i'll never find anyone who wants to stay with me long enough or be close enough to me to live with me. no one cares and no one is going to care about me enough for that and that's fucking fine. i don't do a single fucking thing to deserve it anyway

anyway i don't have a nice neat way to wrap this up and i don't fucking care anyway because no one's going to read this far in the first place so

[i-need-some-advice-on]

i already sent this to another blog, but didn't really get advice so I'm trying here,

Me and my friend group used to be friends with this person, C, and C was really toxic: like they'd yell and scream at me for having interests (Like once I mentioned I enjoyed Taylor Swift music and got told to kill myself, and another time i was talking about how I enjoy loud events like concerts and they were like "I bet you like pep rallies" [<- me not clocking onto them like making fun of me] and i was like "omg! I do!" because i thought back to the pep rally I had the same day and my school brought in a fire dancer so really C's loss) and they would constantly guilt trip and manipulate us, and there was this one time where C and I got into an argument (For them being a bitch) and an hour later they went into our group's venting chat and was all like "I have these thoughts about killing people in this group chat" how am I meant tot take that?? Cause I took it as "oh shit, this online friend who knows my address and has seen my face wants to kill me." and i freaked out and deactivated my account and deleted the platform cause it just wasn't good for my mental health to be there. I ended up going back because I'm one of the older people in that group chat and I view most of them as my little siblings who I just want to make sure they're all safe and they were all worried for me. I went back and looked at the chats from when I was gone and C was twisting the story to be like "Oh Connie (me) was being really bitchy, and trying to push a narrative that I was manipulative towards them so he's trying to make it seem like I'm in the wrong" which yk i just did not feel safe so sure whatever

Later, me and some friends ended up talking about it, because this friend who is like just barely not a child and younger than C had so much worse experiences with C, this friend (R) is in a really bad place mentally and ended up coming to the group whenever they got into an episode where they would be in danger of harming themselves and what did C do? C started saying stuff like "It'd be cool if we killed ourselves at the same time" ????? what the fuck!?!?!? you don't just say that?????? Especially not to a child who needs to be talked out of killing themselves????? thank fucking god R didn't do anything and another friend was there to call C out because actually if I ever meet C irl I'm going to jail. C also ended up doxxing R and I got all the screenshots of that and we ended up kicking C out.

Now, I WISH that was the end of that, that both us in the group and C moved on, but C keeps on venting about us and twisting the story to make us seem like the bad guys saying stuff like "I still think about that friend group that kicked me out because I have poor memory/for my NPD" when in fact we didn't KNOW that C is a. a system and b. has NPD

But, also if I'm gonna say something, C's DID is really weird, like they ONLY have altars from their weird yaoi anime (that they tried to force me and some people to watch while C talked about their piss kink- it was weird) and all their alters are trans masc, I might just be uneducated so if any systems could like tell me if that's weird or not thanks. They use their disorders against a lot, like saying stuff like they weren't the one "controlling" their body when they said all that stuff and that they can't help but act the way they do because of the NPD, but correct me if I'm being wrong, having NPD doesn't tell your "friends" that you want to kill them? Inside thoughts maybe?

So, C keeps venting and ranting about us and we've told him multiple times that we DONT want them to keep talking about us, especially cause they tag the youngest member of our group(E) who they used to rant and vent and guilt-trip the worst in post that make E feel bad about kicking them out.

They recently vented about us and it was the final straw, I called them out of their shitty behavior in the replies (I didn't want to reblog and not only draw more attention to the post, but also I didn't want that negativity on my page) but one things led to another and my group and I were getting hate asks and anonymous death threats sent to us, I got the worst of it with a bunch of rape and death threats and when I made a post being like "Hey! This isn't cool!" C told the anons in my replies (Not a reblog mind you, a comment.) to dm them instead of telling anon to stop. I'mn a victim on s/a, and so being told by someone that they'd come to my house and s/a me really wasn't good for my mental health and I ended up having a break down and relapsing on my s/h that night

We kept telling C to stop venting about us and just apologize for their shitty behavior and they sounds they wouldn't stop either because they "have a right to post this stuff" and they can't apologize for stuff they don't remember or stuff they don't believe they did wrong, they ended up blocking me and three-four others but left R unblocked because R wasn't in the argument (And we learned later that R had another episode one night and apologized to C, which none of us are mad at R for we were just shocked because R had absolutely nothing to apologize for and C had nothing to forgive R for)

I just want advice on how to get C to stop posting twisted vents about us and/or actually make them see what they did to us really fucked us over and that C isn't the victim. Can we ever do that? I'm tired of C acting like we were so bad to him when C would throw fits if we weren't constantly giving him all of our attention

.

[twilightofthe]

okay i put all my cranky thoughts into a separate post that's now drafted and it made me feel better so i'll be able to watch this episode now lol but if it gets me worked up again i'm posting the rant i'm sorry i cannot be helped or changed or saved <3

ANYWAY AHSOKA EP 2

also i forgot to say so last episode but kevin kiner my ABSOLUTE BELOVED the return of the king is real so happy to have you here my dude the ending and full theme was absolutely gorgeous

anywayyyyyy so i am guessing sabine did not make like satine and survived her shish kabobing

well there's ahsoka

oh yeah there's bean she's fine she'll be fine xD

damn filoni really gave more handwaving to having a character survive a major impalement vs me twisting myself into fucking knots writing anakin getting run through lmao

ahsoka sorry but actually i'm gonna blame u for this you still kinda seem like a mess and i don't think you were a very good teacher to sabine and now ur dropping back in on her when she's convenient to you?

well at least we know why she's so adamant against training baby yoda lol

ope here's goth girl and the fuuuuck is his NAME again i keep calling him fucking bryan

i like the fancy sithy-looking sundial tho

pfff second ep is "toil and trouble" guess we're getting witchy!

OH YEAH WAS SABINE'S KITTY OKAY

THEY BETTER BE OKAY

I SWEAR TO GOD

yea ahsoka what happened to showing up in the nick of time and saving kanan and ezra from inquisitors in rebels u were slowwww girlie

OK GOOD THE CAT IS OKAY

that's all that matters

ope one more droid hanging around ezra's place

GIRL UR SITTING UP ALREADY?!

GIRL HOW CAN U BREATHE

we do love the mechanic girl of my heart

sabine does love her explosions

no huyang hera just likes explosions

sabine works best under explosive pressure we LOVE HER

ope back to corellia i guess? we can reuse the old solo sets?

sabine

you were just

impaled

"but she's not the one who needs to hear it right now" ahhh there's the sabine and hera dialogue. ugh but i'm still not used to natasha and mary i can just hear tiya and vanessa doing it instead :(

WHY DO Y'ALL KEEP MAKING SABINE AND AHSOKA ANGRY EXES TF

"ancient ppl from a distant galaxy" waaaaaaait are they bringing in those eu dudes

no wait i think i remember something about these guys that was mention as the big bad in the canceled animated rebels sequel

or it could just be the chiss lmao

that could be it too, makes sense why they'd want thrawn

ok that is some real cool galactic map visuals i am an absolute sucker for a good starmap

ok but wait how the fuck did y'all get a map to thrawn anyway did the space whales write it

also sorry morgan but i don't personally think thrawn would go for u nothing personal you are hot but you don't quite seem his type

waaaait is fucking thrawn gonna have force sensitivity now THAT would be absolutely hilarious and he'd hate it so much

who's marrok i have no memory

y'all you can't just make thrawn work for you didn't he only work with the empire cuz he had to because it would advantage his people somehow (has read zero thrawn novels and only seen rebels)

please tell me sabine is in the fucking vents of ahsoka's ship

THERE'S THE GHOST WHERE IS CHOPPER

I AM NO LONGER FUCKING ASKING

okay so i think my issue with Mary is she doesn't have any of the same authority and purpose Hera's meant to hav

CHOPPER

CHOPPER

MY MURDERBOT

MY SON

MY ANGEL MY EVERYTHING

Anyway

yeah

oh yeah harping in that the new republic is a total fustercluck

ew a capitalist

bro you know hera used to steal from people like you for the rebellion

sdlkfjsdk omg sabine's mom needs to talk to the teacher to keep her from getting expelled

but also y'all sabine is like 25-30 right now she's not a kid

@ ahsoka bitch you have no fuckin clue what you're doing doooon't talk about readiness

y'know maybe the imperial era just advanced medicine so later impalements don't kill people

oh oh so it IS ezra's!

sabine go find luke he'd love to have you

STOP WITH THE GAY DIALOGUE

ok so yeah she likely doesn't have force sensitvity

goddammit huyang neverMIND

so sabine IS force sensitive :) and kanan and ezra just never brought it up :) great :)

hera my beautiful ship nerd ily

bitch do NOT fuck with hera she has more presence than anyone ever

hera my dude you know better than anyone that if a ship wants to take off you gotta go try and stop it in person

ah i have been waiting like 5 long years to watch hera best pilot there was kick aerial ass

we STAN

chopperrrrrrrrr

oh yeah ahsoka's fighting an inquisitor too lmao

CHOPPER GET THEIR ASS

CHOPPER ADD TO YOUR KILL COUNT

ok this hera and chopper banter is perfect i do love it

VICTORY FOR MY GHOSTS

oh and good job ahsoka lol

aghhh sabine and her therapy cat i'm ;_;

theeeeere's sabine's mando armor

SABINE AND KANAN'S FUCKIN KNIFE I'M GONNA EVEN IGNORE THE BAD MULAN HACKJOB ATTEMPT

okay it seems like mary's kinda on and off for hera so far, she has her moments but she can't hold them

rosario keeps losing me i'm sorryyyyyyyy

natasha is doing GREAT

aaaaaand we redoing the end of the rebels epilogue!

god this makes me miss zeb

and kanan obvs but i've come to accept his death

zeb's still hanging around where is he!!!!!

ah all is right

sabine has her gay haircut back

here we go gay roadtrip to find ezra time

alright so i'm still not really vibing with jedi!sabine at All but i have concluded that this show is watchable but honestly not that good, writing-wise, sorry dave, so i think i'll be able to watch it with my brain turned off

goddammit first i thought the holograms visiting morgan were nightsister witch ghosts xD

RIGHT RIGHT HIS NAME IS BAYLAN NOT BRYAN

morgan stop simping for thrawn i guaranTEE he's not your type

oKAY

we are through with the two episodes! it is very late for me so i'm gonna sit and think on what i've seen so far and shitpost a little. i did really like seeing my rebels blorbos again even if the live action actors don't quite have their groove yet. obviously very excited to retrieve ezra <3 so yeah that was that and i'll be back for more next week!

[hellishvxbes]

Being a good person doesn’t meant taking shit laying down btw.

Like I think just in general, people think staying quiet about how they’ve been treated to avoid ‘drama’ is the best solution and I’m telling you it’s not.

Absolutely be loud about it. Point it out. Confront them. How they react is out of your control but at least you said what you needed to say.

I’ve been shushed before. Someone who I thought was a friend really hurt me, betrayed me. It was like a slap in the face, and all because I was going through my own shit and didn’t have time to be there 100%.

And it sucked, how I kind of had to swallow my hurt. How a lot of my ‘friends’ knew it was shitty of them but because they didn’t wanna cause drama they didn’t say anything. No one did a god damn thing and it’s really something when you see an abuser get love and praise and be treated like they are this wonderful person when they aren’t.

And true, you can’t make everyone see it. I know they will eventually, and it’s not my job to point it out for everyone. And I won’t. But at that time? It absolutely hurt me, and I started to look at things differently. Look at people differently. And it left me shambles for a good while.

I would rant about it and people would ask me to stop. Or to tag it. Because they didn’t wanna see it. And that’s valid? But also? Why is it you can only accept me when I’m showing my good side? The side of me that’s put together and makes you laugh and keeps you entertained but when I’m hurting you want me to take it elsewhere.

Started making me look at ppl on here who only look at you like a number. I know we all are going through our own shit. I don’t expect ppl to drop everything and help me, I don’t expect ppl to care. If I vent it’s usually just for myself to let off steam and it helps . But yet, somehow there’s always someone that makes it about them.

Therapy has helped me a lot with creating boundaries. I realized a lot of the things that happened where my own fault due to, seeing the issues but not saying anything about them. And also how I make myself to readily available for people. I was there for that person for so much, even bought them food when they were hungry and couldn’t for themselves. I don’t regret it, I don’t regret caring or having a good heart. No natter what I never want to lose that side of me that gives a damn about people.

I do the things I do because I’ve been there. I offer a safe space , a fun space for you to be yourself . Because I know what it’s like to have to hide. Show ppl how to love themselves because I had to learn on my own. I am an empath, I feel everything and I sometimes go overboard because I don’t have the proper boundaries set up. But I’m much more aware now. Learning and trying to be more effective in my communication.

But it makes me sad when you do call out bad behavior and instead of people looking at themselves and saying ‘you know I’m sorry I did screw up, I’m going to do better’ they deny. They gaslight you. They bring up everything YOUVE done wrong to them instead of acknowledging what you’re bringing to their attention. Suddenly they are the victim and you’re the bully being aggressive because they can’t tell the difference between an aggressive tone and an assertive one.

And it sucks that you’ll deal with people who can’t see anything past their own pain. Cuz there is no dealing with that, that’s shit they gotta work on and unfortunately they gotta be willing to look at themselves in the mirror and start seeing the truth.

We all got flaws. I had to look myself in the mirror, and see a lot of things I didn’t like either. Things that needed changing. That’s maturing. Recognizing you’re not perfect, that you do fuck up, and being willing to accept and change it.

But a lot of ppl on here not ready for that. And the moment I’ve started my healing journey I’ve lost a lot of people who aren’t built like me. Whether it’s because I make them see things in themselves that they don’t like, or think they can’t ever be or what it’s not really my problem anymore.

I’ve been stagnant for so long, I want things out of my life and for the first time in my life despite setback after setback I feel like I finally start getting them. I can respect people who aren’t ready to heal, but I can’t stay in those situations anymore. I wish you luck on your own path, but I’m done putting myself on hold for others all the time.

You’re not wrong for wanting to hold people accountable. There are always limits of course. Say your piece and be done, don’t keep adding fuel to it. How they react remember is out of your hands but you did what you needed to do. People say closure is pointless and I say you obviously learned to just not act on your discomfort and just bottle it up and to me that’s sad.

Because we shouldn’t have to do that for the sake of someone’s comfort who had no regard for ours.

And I am confrontational. I’m a nice person but I will come to you with an issue if there is one. And there’s nothing wrong with that, one mistake doesn’t make you horrible. Makes you human. Changed behavior means you’re growing and learning. It’s not a bad thing and I wish tumblr would stop viewing this stuff as bad. Because it’s so important to be able to grow and it’s why so many people suck because no one is really trying to do that.

[golbrocklovely]

Im so glad I found older snc fans because I was starting to think it was just pretty young fans who can’t seriously discuss their relationships and lives and content.

this got to be a very long response, so sorry in advance lol

what i find very interesting about fandom culture as it is now is that when i first joined snc's fandom back in 2018, i was on insta only and literally there were confession accounts on there. basically in a similar vain to here, ppl would dm the person that owned the account "confessions" or opinions they had about anything related to snc and then the account would post it, and ppl would talk in the comments about it. usually those accounts would get out of hand eventually bc ppl would send in a lot of mean ones that would end up getting the person that owned the account in trouble.

wow, things haven't changed lol

but i think what ended those accounts was at one point there was an account that talked about a girl colby was possibly dating at the time, and the confession was shitting on her, and then colby commented on that post and said the equivilant of "hey i get you guys have opinions and i love that you want to share them and i don't mind seeing them, but if they are hurtful or mean i don't want that in my life". and i think that solidified the end of confession accounts, at least in this fandom.

i also think there was a major shift during the pandemic where ppl just didn't want to see anything deemed "negative" so now ppl are hyper vigilent to call out those that seem to be doing anything not positive. which i can understand sometimes, but i think a lot of fans take things too far. both sides do this.

my thing is, i've always enjoyed seeing other ppl's opinions, even when i don't agree. especially when related to fandom stuff. bc a lot of what we talk about on here is meant to be light-hearted and goofy and not to be taken seriously. i mean for christ's sakes we talk about the girls colby may or may not have hooked up with. and mind you, we barely have proof of any of them ! so again, it's all supposed to be silly and not urgent, important info.

but i think the reason why a lot of fans, sometimes younger, don't like seeing conversations like this is bc they think it's inappropiate or goes too far or bc it's not ultra positive all the time, it's deemed not worth having. which i get. i won't argue over that. my thing is….. yall are having these conversations too, you just keep it in dms and gcs. and if you pretend that isn't the case and "no i would NEVER talk about snc like this", you're lying. or you're very foolish to think that not everyone else around you is doing the same thing. the difference is i allow these conversations to happen publicly on my page.

i think bc i also allow ppl, for the most part, to vent about snc and others related to them, i'm seen as agreeing with their opinion - whether good or bad. but that usually isn't the case, but bc i'm allowing someone to have a voice when they otherwise wouldn't, i'm deemed bad or a hater.

on twitter, i think a lot of the disconnect comes from this idea of younger fans vs older. i think a lot of the younger fans don't want to interact with the older, and that's totally understandable. god knows 16 year old me wouldn't have wanted to talk to someone a decade older than me. and vice versa. i think the issue that arises is that the younger fans see the older ones as… too old to still be here. they see someone my age and go "why are you still around, you should have left already" or that i shouldn't be on social media to begin with. that whole idea is funny to me bc i've been online longer than some of them have been alive (but please note i ain't saying that as a flex lol). i also think a lot of older fans make younger fans uncomfortable, especially on twitter, for being very…….polarizing. and i think the older fans see the younger ones as annoying. like younger siblings that just won't fuck off.

do i agree with either one? no. i don't see younger fans as annoying, for the most part. and i don't see older fans any different. i think a lot of the problems that have appeared over the years is bc of the pandemic; too many ppl stuck inside for too long with nothing to do, mixed with a terrible world getting worse, and now everyone just feels the need to be assholes whenever they can bc they're sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. and it's easier to take it out on one another in fandoms than it is to do it irl, but even that doesn't stop those from doing it.

i will note that there are a decent number of older fans on twitter in the snc fandom that make it very hard to be an older fan. like a lot of the ones that are on twitter say a lot of extremely sexual shit about colby. and look, i don't mind talking about that man sexually. but there's also a level to it. some of these women borderline write fanfics about him, but include themselves in it, and then all of that is one twitter. and that can be off-putting. i won't name names, but some just need to take it down a peg or two, that's all.

but that also isn't to say that younger fans don't do the same in some regard. i'm just saying some of the older fans take it farther than necessary.

i think there is a lot of nuance to this, and a lot of reasons why ppl act the way they do. i'm not trying to blame any one or any particular age demo, i'm just saying what i've witness and what i believe to be true. doesn't make me right however.

[vvabbitt]

my introspection never ends. my entire night has been devoted to analyzing this because it had such an emotional impact. and ya know people always think im fucking crazy thinking the universe is at play here because some weird shit happened. rewind a year before meeting, something very odd happened. and this experience felt significant even tho it was random. and it was always in the back of my mind. and then a year later i meet him and there are several weird coincidences about him and this. and i kinda always wondered if this was such an important meeting that i had a years notice beforehand so i would remember and connect. and i always took it lightly because my intuition and superstition get mixed sometimes. and i was never sure until my coworker brought it up. my coworker was at that event for maybe 15 minutes and left. and we are buddies now so i told him about this dude like casually and i dont know why. theres really no logical reason for that event to even be a memory to my coworker as at that point it was close to 2 years ago and it was so obscure and he didn’t witness the event unfold. but the first time i brought him up he asked me if it was related to that event. i was creeped the fuck out. because i know why i think this why are you thinking these 2 things are correlated? and thats when i was certain this was important in some way that the universe did supply me with a warning that something would happen so far in advance. there has already been a lesson but i feel like there’s something else i need to take away from this. and now im leaving the hysterical sobbing phase i need to unwind this and figure out what information i need here to heal and grow. because i was meant to be here all suffering aside with my emotions 100% i can be in anguish and wish on an emotional scale for the pain to go away even if that meant never meeting but on a logical scale its like i know there’s something to take away here. and in my heart of hearts i know love is never a mistake even when its painful. so i keep analyzing. i want to use my pain to be a better person and do what im suppose to do. which will be a pain because i need to go through my vent archives and look for patterns in my thoughts, read the entries in my diary, and in a good mental space i need to tackle those dms and process all these feelings and learn from it. im not out here trying to test the universe wlsjqhd i would like to learn my lessons and receive my blessings please i prommy i am better than i was in 2020 the work has been done god damn it this all comes from being ruled by saturn the universe constantly slapping in the face with more work to be done and lessons to learn FUCK