#it really has been a SUPER bad week as far as symptoms go

[cookinguptales]

So… last week I made a vent post about an accessibility issue I’d had with some podcasters. I really only meant for the post to be read by my followers (who to my knowledge aren’t familiar with the podcast in question) which is why I put minimal tags on it and didn’t name the show.

But… the post got legs that I wasn’t expecting, and eventually a lot of people asked for the name of the show. I hadn’t intended on creating a whole big thing, so I was kind of reluctant, but I did see the logic in what they were saying — as a disabled woman myself, I would also want to know if I were supporting podcasters whose values did not align with mine. So I told people quietly in the notes that the show had been Old Gods of Appalachia.

Things… did not stay quiet.

Frankly speaking, one of the reasons why I don’t write as many posts about disability and ableism these days is because I got tired of people writing to me and telling me that people like me should be dead. So you can imagine what kind of fucking week I’ve been having since all that blew up. It’s been a very high symptom week, too, so I’m just. Very tired and stressed rn.

Personally, I’d be happy to never talk about it again and try to get back to my everyday life, but I did think it was important to note that the creators of OGOA must have gotten wind of the post, and they did contact me.

I won’t post the whole email here, but it was a good response. Since seeing my post, they’d tried getting in contact with the venue and realized very quickly why I’d been so frustrated. They ended up needing to go through their booking agent to get any kind of answers — so like, to the people who sent me a thousand messages telling me I was an entitled idiot who just needed to contact the venue, please know that none of you were remotely helpful.

Again, I’m not going to post the entire email, but I did think it was important to be fair and use the same platform that I used to vent to tell people that they seem committed to doing better in the future. They told me that they would be making sure that they have all this information going forward and that they would no longer allow it to be such a barrier to entry for disabled fans.

They invited me back to the show and… god, I’ll admit it. I really had to think about my answer. Not to sound ungrateful, but after the week I’ve had, even thinking about the podcast, the podcasters, and that damn live show has me stressed af. I had to really consider whether I even wanted to go.

But in the months since I first contacted them, they added a show that’s a lot closer to where I live, so rather than a weekend trip, I could just take a single bus. And it’s near one of my favorite Japanese restaurants in the city, so if all else fails, I can at least have some good katsudon. So I will be going to the Philadelphia show.

(Though for fellow disabled fans, Terakawa Ramen is not wheelchair accessible. 🙃 Most days I can do the two steps into the restaurant, but not always. Philly, I love and loathe you.)

Anyway, I wanted to reply to them before I made a post here, but… yeah. We’ve worked things out, I think. Only the future can tell what they'll do going forward but they do seem committed to doing better.

To me, there are always two goals when I write about disability and ableism. The first is that disabled people will feel seen. That is always, always my primary goal. It’s so easy for us to feel invisible and unimportant, and I always want to make you all feel seen, just like I want to feel seen. The second is that able-bodied folks will listen and learn and do their best to support their disabled peers in the future.

So… I think that my post managed to fulfill both of those goals. A lot of disabled people have reblogged that post and have talked about their own experiences, and a lot of them have explicitly said how much that post makes them feel seen. And the podcasters in question seem to have really reflected on their actions and seem to want to do better going forward.

So as incredibly fucking stressed out as I’ve been, I guess I can’t regret making the post. It’s always good to know that your words can have impact. The post has long since moved out of my friends circle so I assume it’ll just keep circulating and I’ll keep getting shitty anons and chat messages, but I’m just gonna focus on what good has come from it. I’m hopeful that my post will make life tangibly better for at least a few disabled people, and I’m encouraged by the fact that podcasters who I’d formerly liked do actually seem to want to do the work needed to improve.

And uh I’m not answering any more messages from people who just wanna swear at me. I’m tired. Leave me alone.

[a-dumb-sarcastic-bisexual]

Nimona headcanons plus a little bonus at the end

Whenever the trio gets home it's like a switch is flipped off inside their brains and all they want to do is be lazy and relax 

They’ve got very busy and stressful lives and a pretty small home so it’s not uncommon for them to yell when they’re asking a question instead of just getting up

And if they can’t hear each other they’ll just call the other person

One time Ambrosius was yelling asking them what wanted for dinner and was interrupted by Nimona calling him 

He answered the phone and all they said was “What’d you say I couldn't hear you” he didn’t even question it he just kept talking 

Nimona brings dead animals home 

I have this small headcanon that the first time she shifted into her human form was when she met Gloreth 

So before that she was living mostly as different animals and she kind of learned their ways and those ways stuck with her 

So there is a small part of her that sees Bal and Ambrosius as incompetent hunters (can you blame her)

The boys always thank her for her doing a good job and then they wait for her to leave the room before they freak out because MY GOD SHE BROUGHT A FUCKING DEAD RAT IN THE DAMN HOUSE 

There have also been times when she’s brought live animals inside the house the trio spent half an hour trying to get a traumatized bird out of their living room 

I just know for a fact that Bal has a crazy amount of brain damage 

This man has used his head as a weapon and has been hit on the head more times than I can count 

So I feel like he has a really hard time remembering the little details he gets really bad migraines and headaches pretty frequently his eyesight is absolute shit and he has to wear contacts or glasses and he gets really bad vertigo if he doesn’t take care of himself 

This worries the shit out of Ambrosius and Nimona but there isn't much they can do except deal with the symptoms when they show up

So I was thinking about the fact that as far as we know Nimona never told Bal about what went down with Gloreth

But I know that the boys would try and heal the damage that Gloreths legacy left behind  

And in the middle of everything Bal turned to Ambrosius and said “I just wish that fucking eyesore was gone” 

He didn’t have to ask what he meant he knew it was the statue 

So Ambrosius got to work trying to get it torn down 

A lot of people including some distant relatives that he hasn’t heard from in years tried to argue that it was an important monument and that her story touched a lot of people 

To which Ambrosius responded with “I’m her direct descendant if anyone gets to choose what happens to that statue it should be me” 

It was a couple of months into Nimona’s return when the demolition was approved 

The boys had asked him a while after he came back if it was something he wanted 

And all he said was “As long as I get to help” 

It was super therapeutic for both Nimona and Ambrosius 

Like don’t get me wrong the damage she did to Nimona is still there 

And Ambrosius will always have a complicated relationship with his lineage 

But tearing down the “fucking eyesore” heals something inside them

It was supposed to be a month-long process but Nimona and Ambrosius kept going and it was completely gone after two weeks

When all was said and done they collapsed on the couch and went through just about every single emotion you can go through

A little bonus I made my mama watch Nimona with me and here are some of my favorite comments: Mind you when I first put the movie on this woman was acting like I was pulling teeth

“I like the queen she seems nice” (and then she freaked out when she died)

“So they’re nice to him 'cause he’s gold I would just steal the armor what does he have without that?” “Money Mama” “Ah”

“Why are they so mean to him he’s just a baby?” (talking about Bal)

“She’s just like you especially with those freaky eyes” (when Nimona met Bal)

“Oh, so she’s the rhino…. Makes sense”

“Awe she’s cute I can't hate her” (about Nimona again)

“Oh wait she isn’t cute that’s freaky” (when Nimona was the demon baby)

“That’s like you and your sister” (Bal and Nimona interrogating the squire)

“Hey, mama is arm chopping a love language?” “I’m worried that you would even ask me that”

“Oh he’s got issues huh?” (after Ambrosius’ internal freak out)

“Can he die a little quieter… and faster” (after the Director stabbed “Ambrosius”)

“Oh fuck that little blond girl”

We had to pause the movie right before Nimona started her rampage because we were getting tired and I woke up to her in front of the tv with it pulled up on Netflix and she turned to me and said “Can we finish it already?”

“If she sacrificed herself I will never forgive you”

“Do you watch anything with straight people?” “Mama you literally ship them” “That's not an answer” (this is right after Bal and Ambrosius kissed)

“Is there a next part?..... so when’s the next one coming out?” 

Once the movie was over I told her some people thought Ambrosius and Bal were related and she looked me dead in the eyes and said

“You’re joking. No you have no be kidding… He literally said it in the movie!” “Said what Mama?” “oh I love him so much and I lost him whatever will I do” 

And then she kept making fun of Ambrosius for the next three minutes

I asked her who her favorite was and she said Nimona I go “aweee you love me” she looks me dead in my eyes and says “don’t make it awkward”

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

I'm kinda sad, guys. Completely off-topic super-long rant incoming, feel free/encouraged to disregard.

So basically, I managed to get in on a paid month-long trial of an eczema face cream in exchange for feedback. Honestly didn't even care about being paid, I was just in desperation for my face to not feel all scaley and shit anymore (seborrheic dermatitis is a fcking bitch, and it's even worse in a humid climate and GUESS WHAT THE CLIMATE IS LIKE HERE FOR MOST OF THE YEAR HAHAHA) and have been willing to try literally anything for some time.

Well, anything except steroid creams. I refuse. I did it once, it made it worse, never ever again. And I stfg that's ALL that dermatologists want to hand out for this type of eczema, despite glaring evidence that even if it works temporarily, it creates even worse problems down the line.

Sebhorric dermatitis presents with similar symptoms to psoriasis, and tends to present its symptoms around the face, neck, ears, and scalp. Liken it to really terrible dandruff that can cover your entire face. Scrubbing it off just leaves redness and itchy/painful open wounds. It's impossible to cover with make-up. It's at its worst in the humid summer months. I have to consistently use more than five products twice a day in the spring/summer/fall just to keep it under control enough to not be noticeable to anyone but me. And I'm already really bad at being consistent when it comes to self-care.

Enter this stupid fucking trial cream. This shit with its lack of labeling and mysterious code.

I had to agree to stop using all other products except my regular facial cleanser to make sure my feedback was accurate to this one product, okay. No other lotions or toners or face masks or anything. Use this stuff twice a day to once every other day, give weekly feedback for the duration of a month. ALL I know about it, is it isn't steroid based. I was in the middle of a very bad breakout when it arrived in the mail. I had scales of dry skin on my fucking eyelids. It literally hurt to blink. It was awful.

I'm almost two weeks in and my skin has not felt or looked this amazing since before I hit fucking puberty. I noticed a difference literally the first time I put the shit on. The dry flakes essentially just melted off and didn't come back. I actually cried a little out of pure shock and happiness.

I'm almost halfway through the month and absolutely no sign of any negative side effects. No acne, no oiliness, no rashes, no dryness, no inflammation, nothing. It doesn't have any weird smell or leave any weird residue, absorbs in less than a minute. Just...genuinely clear skin with no issues at all for the first time since I was a literal child. I've still got a little redness around my cheeks, chin, and nose (which I've had since the eczema first started to flare up in my late teens), but even that's beginning to fade.

Aaaaaand since it's a trial, I don't know the product name. Which means once it's gone, it's gone.

I'm hoping taking part in the trial means I'll have the opportunity to find out about it and purchase it in the future, but I have this horrible sinking feeling it's going to be far beyond my price range. You know, test it out on the normies to make sure it works, then slap an astronomical price tag on it to market it to the rich and influential. I just know that's where this is going and I hate it.

It is nice having good skin for the first time since I was like...twelve. And even nicer only having to use a tiny bit of this one single face cream once every other day, and not having to worry about my skin screaming in protest if I happen to forget/skip a day or two (which I have done, again I suck at consistent self-care).

But the knowledge that it's probably only going to last for as long as this tiny little magical unlabeled bottle lasts...makes me so so very sad.

[sketchesandnonesense]

Kinda fucked up realizing that at the end of January it'll mark a full year I've been dealing with liver cancer.

2 years in general dealing with cancer, but I cant remember the precise day of my first diagnosis. Just that it was also around january/february.

The first time around was esophogeal cancer, technically. It was right on the borderline where my esophagus and stomach meet. "Late stage 2" they said.

Half my year was weeks full of radiation and weekly chemo days. Other half was getting my entire stomach removed along with that lower esophagus chunk to get rid of the tumor. Recovery was hell. Figuring out how to eat again was hell. Trying to get used to everything that'd been done to me was hell.

But I found normal again and the scans for afew months said I was cancer free.

Until they said they spotted something suspisious.

And then, January 31st they told me the biopsy results.

Cancer. Again.

More biopsies and tests and looking at options.

Back to going in for chemo days and feeling like shit for days on end. Already still beaten down from last time.

N this year's been kinda a roller coaster in the worst way. Every time things looked up, it all came back down hard.

Right now I'm on my 3rd different drug cocktail to see if it kills the cancer before it kills me.

First one was the most aggressive and miserable, i think, and I had to take home a chemo pump for a day that made it drag out how long I felt like total shit. It seemed to stop the growth for awhile on the scans. So it seemed worth it. Until it just. Stopped Working. The tumor had grown alittle more.

So onto the next one.

Second one I had an allergic reaction to one of the drugs so every chemo day I'd have to be put in a benadryl coma. Over time it got alittle more bearable with the immediate post-chemo-agony symptoms though. It actually worked stupid good for awhile there. First scans were really promising. The tumor was shrinking up.

And then it just. Also stopped working. My tumor hadnt shrunk at all between scans.

And worse: there were afew little "suspisious dots" peppering the inside of my liver that had been holding steady but were now growing.

And with how those drugs were fucking up my body, it wasn't worth putting me through it still with results that useless where its not being really contained.

So, i was off chemo entirely for abit while my docs figured out another treatment and whether insurance would cover.

I almost got into a medical trial they really thought looked promising and might help. Even so far as going to the clinic to see it and signing consent forms. Once they double checked my chart, though, and saw I literally didnt have a stomach though, they pulled away n decided I didnt qualify after all.

We'd even already scheduled my appointment days because we were so sure I was gonna do the trial.

Idk how they didnt see something That Important as a Disqualifier earlier, but what can ya do I guess.

They scanned me again before starting up chemo again. Seems in the time it took between drugs my tumor had pretty much grown back to original size. Back to square one. Plus the slowly encroaching New Spots.

N now I'm on my shiny new third drug. Second dose just yesterday. Day right after wasnt too bad last time, either, but I think once those really good Long Lasting "Don't Feel Like Death" drugs they gave me wore off I'm gonna be in a world of hurt.

I got 2 more doses, then we scan again.

And I don't know what I'll do if the results arent optimistic. Like. Even a "nothing has changed, its Contained" will work. Just anything.

Because I have only one other drug left to try if this one doesnt work. And my docs dont seem super confident in it. Though it also could be because its a pill and with No Stomach that makes things alot more complicated with oral medication.

After that?

I don't know.

I don't think any of us wanna talk about it much.

There's been the vague talk of finding other medical trials but nothing concrete.

Idk why I'm writing this, really. Just to get all my Cancer Lore down, maybe? Incase anyone's wanted to know.

My body's been totally destroyed by all this. I'm skin and bone but because I lost the weight so fast my skin doesnt Fit right anymore. And I think thats what fucks me up the worst. My clothes dont fit either, half the time. Even when it feels like I just bought some new pants that fit comfortably and then suddenly they're too big on me (or if I'm really lucky, too small).

Idk really how to end a post like this. I feel like I SHOULD be making some speech about Fighting and Not Giving Up or something optimistic.

But I just. Don't have it in me.

I dont really have some gloomy thoughts to dump either, though.

Today I just kinda feel numb. Atleast so far. The day is young.

I'm gonna try n figure out breakfast before I start feeling bad now lol

[sensei-venus]

Late night got me randomly thinking about the whole Poly! Alpha!Daniel/✨Alpha!GirlCock!Amanda/Alpha!Johnny.

But mostly about the babies✨

Reader is trying to juggle all three borderline preschoolers still toddlers.

The twins, Sam and Robby are trying to do their own thing at the moment. Sam is trying to get away from her which isn’t going too well. She’s trying to shimmy her hand out of Reader’s and it isn’t going well.

Reader has a firm hold on her hand as she tries to run off into the dealership. The whole time Robby has made himself comfortable in his mama’s arms. Opting to quietly hang from his mothers side. Sitting on her hip the best he can with her new baby bump that was coming in.

They had tried to get him to stop and get out of the habit of hanging from her, but it was a ongoing learning process.

Miguel was the only one to not need any assistance. He chose to stay planted to her side as they walked into the dealership. He tried his best to not try and run to his other parent's office.

Reader groaned as she hurled Robby back onto her hip. Sam finally getting out of her hold the minute they got inside the building. She made a beeline for Amanda who was walking out of the office, Daniel and Johnny not far behind. She giggled and launched herself at the woman. Amanda was quick to bend down and grab the girl, lifting her up.

The three alphas walked over to the quickly tiring omega. Worn out from dealing with all three children along with her new pregnancy.

“ She definitely did not get that energy from me.” She sighs. Daniel laughs and Johnny chuckles. Amanda kisses all over the giggling girl's cheeks.

Miguel splits off from Reader to creep over to Johnny, wanting to be lifted up as well. Miguel was only slightly less verbal than Sam sometimes. Sometimes having a slight issue with asking for attention. Johnny was always quick to see through it and assure the boy. Johnny picked him up with ease, kissing him on the cheek while Daniel gave his dark curls a small tussle.

Robby just gave a small wave as he enjoyed having his mama to himself.

“How’s our girl doing? And our newest pup in there?” Daniel said as he walked over. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and one to Robby. She gave a small hum. His rich scent took over her and helped her to relax.

“We are doing great, besides giving me heartburn and super gnarly burps for the past two hours at least. I haven’t even been craving anything spicy.” She rolled her eyes. Her free hand came to rest on her bump. In only a few more weeks they would get to find out what they were having this time. Reader just felt lucky they didn’t have multiples again. Then again she really couldn’t definitively say anything.

This pregnancy was definitely pushing her buttons more than the first. New symptoms that weren’t there during her first were now popping up almost every other day.  Always keeping her on her toes.

“Now you promised me that we were taking the kids this week to Miyagi’s right? I don't want to go over and scare that poor man when we show up with three bouncing off-the-wall toddlers.” the last thing Reader wanted to do was show up to the poor older mana house and bother him with their energetic pups. Sam and Miguel were basically everywhere these days. Not being able to stand still for even a second. On some days Robby was just as bad.

Daniel smiled as he slowly started to usher her out. The two other alphas fall behind with the toddlers in hand.

Johnny walked a bit closer to her, shoving the other male to the side a little. Daniel rolled his eyes at the taller alpha. Reader bit back a yelp as a big hand creased ass from behind. Grabbing a hand full and giving it a hard squeeze. Johnny laughed saying huskily “Don't worry about it, Daniel made sure to set it up with the old man. We’re not gonna give him a heart attack or anything when we show up.” Amanda smirks over at them. The moment was short-lived as they finally got back to Reader’s car.

Reader huffed as they started to put the kids back into the car.

Robby was easy to shift back into his car seat. He whimpered for a moment as he was strapped in but stopped once he found his forgotten toy on the car floor. Sam and Miguel tried to fight their way out like usual.

Hating the fact they had to be restricted in a seat with a tight seatbelt. They tried to rip their way out. It didn't work as Johnny ended up putting them in, hissing at them. His alpha presents putting them in line quickly.

by the time all the pups were put in their respective seats, Reader was done.

Her back hurt and her feet ached.

Amanda noticed her clear change in posture and walked over. She was quick to kiss the omega and scent her. Mixing her thick scent with the must sweeter and more potent one of the stressed-out omega. She whispered out for a moment. A speck of relief filled her veins. 

“I'll drive, you rest.”

All Reader could do was lazily nod as she walked to the passenger side door.

The two other alphas gave them a small loving look before going to their own cars. They would be home soon, following them back to the house.

Reader slumped in her seat as Amanda drove them home. Telling the kids to quiet down in the back, that Mama was trying to sleep. Almost unbelievably, they actually did quiet down a bit. Talking amongst themselves in the back seat.

Reader smiled as she let her eyes flutter shut.

She wouldn't trade her alphas or her pups for anything else in this world. They were perfect, even if they did have some odd quirks here and there.

[unluckyhoneybee]

Quiet Room (Nolan Patrick)

Just a little story about finding your place. Fluff.

Note: this is actually super self indulged.

Warnings: reader has migraines too.

You weren't so convinced of it when you went to see that doctor. Your friend had talked about a friend of a friend who had the same disorder and had gone better since he saw this doctor. You weren't convinced it would work, many doctors has already told you there wasn't a solution. So you sat in there with your head down waiting for another deception and money spent on nothing when the door opened. A tall man with a cap walked with his hands on his pockets and sat next to you. It was annoying at first because there were many chairs around. You didn't know, but that man would change everything.

He was still there when you left the office, he looked at you and smiled a bit politely, but you barely got it, to be honest.

He was also there for the next appointment and again two weeks later, when you learned that you had started the treatment at the same time and we're following the same schedule.

"Hi" He mumbled and sat next to you.

It was a bad day for you. A really bad one. There was a big foggy cloud covering the left half of your vision, the thumping paying above your eye and the stiffness in your neck. Your friend had driven you there because you could barely stand without feeling dizzy. You answered back. He was late that day.

"YN, you can come in"

You nodded and grabbed your bag, then got up. As you did, everything about you started moving and for a moment you thought you would fall. Luckily, an arm around you stopped you and probably saved you for a bad hit.

"Wow, wow" His low voice was suddenly higher pitched, he had moved fast and his heart was beating hard on his chest. "Are you okay?"

The nurse that worked with the doctor came out and saw you, then hurried to help.

"I'm fine, I'm fine."

They helped you inside and then the man reluctantly help you sit on the bed. You looked up at him and for the first time met his blue eyes.

"I'm good now, thank you" You muttered. "You can let go"

It was harsh, just soft words coming out of your lips. Nolan nodded a bit and removed his hands from you, still, he didn't left your side in fear you would fall or who knows what.

He stayed there for a couple of minutes, eyes crossed and brows furrowed, inspecting the doctor's work as they checked your pupils and tension.

"It has been like this all day, I'm good, it'll get better."

"YN..."

"I told you about this symptoms" You said lowering your head. "It's not just pain, everyone focus on the pain but it's not just pain"

Nolan's heart shattered when he heard your defeated tone, maybe not only for you but also for him.

"Nolan thank you for you help, but we need..."

"Ues, yes. Um... I'll be... Yes"

He nervously stomped put but something in him didn't let him go far. He wsd there when you came out.

"Thank you" You said when the door closed behind you.

"It's fine. I get dizzy sometimes too"

You nodded and lowered your eyes to the papers in your hands. "The treatment is not working" You said. "That's why they are so hard today. I had to drop my usual meds to try this and... It's not working. I'm actually not coming back. Today was the last appointment"

Nolan's heart clenched. He had kept an eye on you. He had memorized the shape of your nose and the curvature of your lips, he knew exactly the place where you had every little mark in your place and knew how you liked to spend the time in the waiting room. He hadn't talked to you nor because he didn't want but because he wasn't the greatest talking.

"Fuck... I'm so-"

"Don't be sorry. I don't need more people being sorry" You said. You weren't even angry, it didn't sound like that, just tired of trying and trying.

"Okay" He put his hands on his pockets and decided to go for it. "Do you want to have a coffee with me? When I'm done?"

You weren't sure why, but your heart beat picked up and your face heated up.

"I'm feeling pretty bad right now" You said.

Nolan clenched his jaw. Obviously you didn't want, you almost fainted like fifteen minutes ago.

"Plus... We shouldn't be having coffee" the corner of your mouth curled a bit in a smile and Nolan's expression relaxed.

"Are you up for a glass of water when you are feeling good?"

You nodded with a little smile. "Should I give you my number?"

"I think so"

He texted you the following day, but you were still in bed, then the day after you were busy and he wasn't feeling so well, then when you were finally free he was out with a bad episode. You both should have known it would be like that. But then a week and a half passed and Nolan and you met for a coffee and it was good, great even. He had his dog Charlie with him and lovey eyes when he saw you playing with the curly haired pet.

One coffee date was followed by an ice cream, then a dinner and a film. And soon you had found a comfortable dynamic for the both of you. There wasn't a tag or a name for what you had, but the feelings were strong.

"I have been thinking..."

You giggled and turned around. Nolan was sitting in the table while you cook dinner at yours. He was still sweaty and blushed from the run he had just taken. He was feeling good and hadn't had a bad episode in a while. So he had taken the opportunity.

"Was it hard?"

He rolled his eyes and flipped you off, which made you laugh loudly. He loved the sound of your laugh.

"We should move together"

The spatula you were using fell against the counter and the noise made you two cringe.

"What?"

"For how long have we been together?"

You blinked quickly and babbled while your mind tried to work the numbers.

"It was been a year and three months since you fainted on my arms." He tapped his finger on the table, his eyes blankly starring at the wood. "It's been then around a year and two months since I kissed you"

"Y-you count it"

Nolan quickly looked at you and then back at his hands. He was blushing furiously, it was ridiculous and embarrassing. There wasn't a way of hiding his reactions around you.

"I just..."

You slowly walked to him and cupped his face. As always, his muscle memory made him open his legs for you to stand between them and his hands found the curve of your knees. Your thumb ran over his lower lip and he opened his mouth for you. You leaned and captured his lips in a sweet and slow kiss, both mouths working together as his fingers caressed the back of your thighs.

The no tags, no names, no adjectives was an unspoken rule between you two. Feelings were there, they were obvious. You both knew you were in love, even if Nolan thought those were big words and he still had a hard time coming into terms with loving you. There was no one he respected more, he wanted to protect more, to take care of, to spend as much time... His problem was that sometimes he believed it wasn't the same for you. For some reason, that high place he had you in made him believe he wasn't good enough for you. Little did he know that your feelings were just as strong.

With a soft wet sound, you pulled back, smiling brightly and squeezing his cheeks together. "You and me? Together?"

His fingers gripped tightly your thighs, which made you laugh and kiss him again. "I'm not gonna leave" You whispered against his mouth. Those words only made him grab you tighter. He moved his face a bit and pressed his forehead against yours. It was kind of your thing.

"I spend more time with you than with anyone else"

"I'm kind of your girl, aren't I?"

"Still" He mumbled. "I wasn't sure you'd want"

You swallowed and pouted, your heart breaking a bit. Nolan had a strong facade. He was the serious stern man, only showing the funnier side to a very reduced and exclusive group of people, his people. It had been difficult to start talking about deeper things with him, he needed time to open to you, even when he was super attracted to you and probably happier than a little boy on a candy shop when you went out. You didn't want him to bottle up all the emotions that involved you, you wanted him to know he could trust you.

"Nolan..." You sat on his lap. "I'd love to move with you, honey. I'd really love to. Don't ever doubt it, okay?"

He cupped your face with one hand and smile satisfied when your unconsciously leaned into his touch. His thumb brushed your cheek and then your lips.

"You are so beautiful"

"You are sweaty and smelly"

He rolled his eyes.

"When was the last time you washed your hair"

"The greasy hair is a part of the-"

"No, go and wash it" You said pinching his cheek.

He brought you for another kiss and loved the sweet taste of your mouth. He didn't even care that after all this time you couldn't take his compliments.

"Come with me"

"Mhm" You hummed on his lips before diving for another deep kiss. Consecutive episodes had pushed sex and all fun for a few days and both bodies were craving it.

It was a moment to treasure because you were both aware it could be the last in a few days, so he took his time fucking you again the cold tiles and loving every single part of your body. Same to you, obviously, but his more dominant demeanor left you as the one receiving most of the time. Nolan loved giving you pleasure but his ego was too big to admit he had almost finished untouched a couple of times because of you.

"Don't do that, you always do that"

You bit your lip to not laugh and slapped his other ass cheek.

"It's just too cute and you are always walking around naked"

"There is no point getting covered with a towel when you had this just in your-"

"I get it, I get it"

You already had your pijamas and were drying your hair. The thought of moving with him had your heart beating fast. You couldn't believe he wanted you living with him.

"You are smiling" He said putting some sweats on.

"I'm happy you asked"

He crouched in front of you. "We don't need to do it now, we can wait a bit, take it slow..."

Cupping his face, you leaned to kiss his forehead and then hugged his neck. His hair smelled so good now.

"We'll look for the right place, okay? For you and I and all the dogs we can fit in"

You felt his laugh against your neck. "All the dogs you want"

You kissed his cheek and nuzzled your nose against his cheek, again, he pressed his forehead on yours. It was the slight push he did what you loved the most. It was his secret way of saying he loved you without actually saying it.

"Let's go and eat. I'm starving" He said after a while and got up to pull another of his hoodies from your wardrobe.

"Half of your clothes are here"

"And half of yours are at mine"

"We just need a place to keep them all, don't we? "

He nodded and guided you by the hand.

The whole getting a place together started good. Scrolling on the internet was easy, making Pinterest mood boards was fun, looking for furniture on IKEA was cool. But for weeks, plans went nowhere. Every appointment you made to go and see had been cancelled.

"Um... I've talked to Marcus, he lives down street and has a couple of houses he can-"

"I'm not feeling good today" He said.

You had gotten used to this, mood changes were also a big thing for you. It wasn't easy to keep a smile when pain was so intense. But Nolan could be extra sharp. Most of the times it was even his words, it was his tone.

"Oh, sorry. Um... I was gonna..." You cleared your throat and ran your hand over you face. "Do you need me to bring you anything?"

"I need to be alone"

You covered your mouth for a second to not sob. You weren't feeling good either, you didn't have a headache yet but you knew it was coming. You could feel it and your sight was so good.

"Okay. I'm sorry to bother, Nolan."

You didn't give him time to say anything, you just hang and he groaned. The pain was drilling on his brain right above his eyes. He had vomited too much already. He was feeling truly awful. There wasn't a single piece of food on his body and even though he knew he had to drink, he wasn't feeling good enough to go and grab water.

"Maddie"

"You sound awful"

"I feel awful"

"What's wrong?"

"YN"

"YN? Is she..."

"Upset. I know she is upset."

"What have you done?"

"Upset her"

"How? For fuck sake, Nols. She is the only one that can stand you."

Nolan rolled on the bed and curled on his side.

"I asked her to move together somewhere."

Maddie squeaked but then apologized. The damn sound had crossed her brother's brain like a lightning.

"Did she say yes?"

"She did."

"But"

"But I'm not sure it's a good idea"

He heard the loud sigh coming from the other side.

"Why?"

"Because... Every time we booked an appointment we had to cancel because either her or me were feeling bad. That's how life will be. We couldn't have our first coffee until days later because of the fucking migraine. How are we going to live a life like that?"

Maddie groaned.

"Just like you are doing now, Nolan"

"It would be easier if she was fine"

The thought had just crossed his mind and Maddie almost didn't let him finish the sentence.

"You are a fucking asshole for thinking that. You, better than everyone else, should know how she feels like. Nolan, you better fix this because this is the best thing you will ever find."

"I don't know what to do"

"Nolan, she adores you, she takes care of you like no one. You need her"

"I don't-" But who was he trying to fool? He fucking need you.

"And she needs you"

Nolan closed his eyes as if it would stop the tears from falling.

"You love to take care of her"

"Okay"

"Okay?"

"I'll fix it"

"Wait until the episode it's over"

"Yes"

"Call me if-"

"I know"

It was pretty scary to receive a call from your best friend the following day. He had started to feel better and was planning how to go to see you.

"Sam"

"Nolan, do you know something about YN?"

"Um... No"

"No?"

It was strange because you two were flesh an bone. Everyone was amazed to see how sweet Nolan could be around you, how you had gotten him to seek for your touch in public, to lean to joke and laugh closer to you... When you were together, it was as if you two were the only ones in the room.

"I have been out for a couple of days"

"Oh. I thought she would be with you"

"S-she is not" Nolan cleared his throat. "But I was gonna go to hers in a bit"

He heard your friend sighing in relief. If they only knew it was a lie...

Nolan brushed is thumb over that spot on his forehead and bit his lip. Maybe something had happened to you. Maybe you were having a bad episode and had fainted. Maybe the nausea was so bad you couldn't get up. Maybe...

"Yeah, I'm gonna get going"

"Okay. Thank you, Nolan"

"It's nothing"

He shouldn't have driven when he hadn't recovered completely, but there was a knot on his stomach and fear drove him. He knew were you hid the key and let himself in. It was tidy but dark. The silence was too dense and there wasn't signs of life on your flat. But he knew where to find you.

You whined when the door cracked opened, that awful sound felt like it could make your ears bleed. You pressed your hands harder to your temples and for a second the pain calmed, but then it came back and you sobbed.

Nolan had taken his shoes off to not be too noisy, he was trying to control his breath and not trip with the stuff on your floor. It was a mess but he couldn't ask for more.

"YN"

Your sobs ceased. Who were you expecting? You didn't even know. Probably not him. You thought he was in bed. Maybe you had unlocked another level of symptoms and you were imagining things. You thought he wanted to be alone, that you were a bother.

"YN, babe"

You felt the bed dipping next to you and his warm hand over your arm.

"Nolan" You whimpered.

"Do you need something?" He asked with a knot on his throat.

Him. You only needed him.

"I-I don't know"

"Have you had your meds?"

You wouldn't tell him that you had cried yourself to sleep and that had caused the migraine. You wouldn't tell him that you felt so awful that you couldn't even get up from bed.

"N-no"

"Why?"

He only realized how harsh it had been when you squirmed away from his touch.

"S-sorry" He mumbled. "It's too late to have them now. Do you want to try with painkillers to see if they help?"

You both knew it wouldn't help. But it was the only thing you could try.

"Okay"

Nolan brushed your hair out of your face, taking into your tired features in the dim light.

"I'll be back in a second."

Nolan tried to be quick and ignore his own pain. Maybe it was the nerves, but he was feeling how he was walking steps back.

"Hey, let's sit up"

His big and gentle hands helped you sit straight and steady. Your head was turning and you couldn't see well. You drank with his help and then sniffed and leaned into his side.

"I'm with you, I've got you" He mumbled in your hairline between soft kisses. "Food?"

You shook your head.

"Okay" He kissed your temple. "A bit more water and then you lay" He helped you with everything before letting you fall back on the pillow.

He observed you for a bit. You had curled on your side, hand pressing the back on your neck looking for some relief. Soon, he was in bed pressing a cold pad on your forehead, keeping you on his arms and doing his best to help you calm down. His warmth was your favourite thing to feel when you were feeling like this, it was grounding and his heartbeat was always a good distraction from the pain. Your hand was gripping hard on his ribs and your knee hooked around his thigh.

"How bad is it?"

"8"

He kissed your hair.

"It will pass. I'll take care of you meanwhile, I'm not leaving you alone"

There wasn't anything in the world he wanted more than to be there for you. He hated the idea of you being alone like this. When he wanted to be alone during episodes, you felt more comfortable knowing someone was there for you just in case.

"Nolan" You whispered so long after. It had gone dark and the cold pad had melted and was forgotten on the nightstand. He had given you water, drank some himself, brought little snacks for you to eat and also for him to fill his empty stomach. He stayed with you and calmed you down when the pain made you broke down crying.

"Mhm"

"How are you?"

You question surprised him. He looked down at you, he could barely see your face anymore, but he had it memorized so he could made up your features in the dark.

"I'm fine"

"No, you came here in the middle of and episode"

"I'm better" He mumbled.

"Thank you"

"For?"

"Coming here"

You felt like a liability when you hung that call, you felt too much, you felt awful, you felt like you couldn't respect his limits. Him coming for your help had been a huge thing for you.

Nolan moved a bit and trapped you on a big bear hug. Your leg was around his waist, his was up and pressed against yours, your arms were around his torso and his were around your shoulders.

"I'm here for all of it"

Nolan wasn't a big cheek-kisser, his height and personality made him more of a head/forehead kisser. But in that moment he went for a hundred kisses in your cheek, making your skin warm under his lips and the first smile in the day appear in your lips.

"I'm for the good and the bad days"

You squeezed your eyes shut. "I thought you- you didn't want me around and- we are trying to move in together and..."

"The pain makes me not want anyone around, but eventhough I know that I need you" He said. "I'm sorry I was a dick"

Your nuzzled your head on the crock of his neck and he threaded his fingers through your head.

"I'm always there for you, Nols. Don't push me away, please"

His hand traveled down your waist and gripped your hip tight.

"I won't"

You cupped his face and kissed his lips, tasting the chocolate from the cereal bar. He hummed in your mouth and pushed his body into yours. "Can I?" He asked on your lips. "Are you feeling good enough?" He asked brushing your neck with his big hand.

"Please..."

Days passed and you visited the first places, no one seemed good enough. But the feeling of walking around the empty houses hand in hand with Nolan and watching the different places was the greatest thing you've felt. He showed a hidden part of himself, he was talkative and had so many ideas, almost matching you and all of yours.

"What do you think?" He asked on your ear. His arm was around your shoulder and your back was against his chest. You were playing with his fingers and already picturing the sofa of your dreams in that corner of the living room.

Elena, the seller, had given you some time.

"I think it's good." You said.

"Only good?"

You looked up at him.

"Better than the others" You giggled.

"I think it's great."

"As great as..."

"As great as I want to live here with you"

An incredible joy was over you and you jumped to hug his neck. Laughing, Nolan hugged you tight but wasn't quick enough to gram his cap, the one you had knocked out of his head. He was laughing out of pure happiness. He had never felt better with you on his arms. He brought your head back and kissed your lips hard and deep. He would make love to you in that room empty if it wasn't for the woman waiting for you to make a decision. When you pulled back, he put you down again.

"So?"

"We keep it"

Ellen helped you with the contracts. It would start as a renting house with the option of buying it after two years. Any of you wanted to buy a house now, it was a huge step and you sill weren't sure how life together was. But having that future possibility of staying here forever, in your forever home that was also your first home together gave you a sweet ticklish feeling in your belly.

"Three bedrooms it's more than what you first asked for. I know you asked for a two rooms house" Ellen explained. The two rooms was only for visits, you wanted to have a guest room just in case anyone need to stay, but three wasn't that bad. Plus, you already had ideas floating around your mind. "But the price it's worth it"

"Yeah, we are good with it" Nolan mumbled. He already wanted the keys, pack and bring everything here. He would do it in the meantime of the night if he could.

You smiled at him and patted his tattooed thigh.

You should have known how hard moving would be. The first step had been packing everything and select what you would keep and take to your shared home. It took a couple of weeks and was so frustrating. Then, an awful week for Nolan interrupted everything. You tried to use the time he was in bed to clean around the house, but pain threatened you with the same a couple of times and you had to slow down.

"We should hire someone for painting the walls" He said one night when you were having dinner. Your apartment was full packed, the sofa was wrapped in plastic and the chairs where pulled in a corner. Your mattress was already in the guest room and your clothes in boxes. You only kept the summer ones in a suitcase in a corner of Nolan's bedroom.

"But-"

"We can't use air freshener because the smell knocks you out, YN. Paint won't be different. Plus, you look exhausted" He cupped your check lovingly. "I know a guy, he is friends with my dad."

You nodded a bit. Painting with Nolan had been in your check list for the new house, but he was right.

"And we should leave the guest room and put everything together once we are there." He added.

You pouted. "Nols..."

"Don't Nols me. If we also build the guest room now it will take us at least another week being positive."

You frowned and crossed your arms on the table, making yourself small and lowering your head. The whole process wasn't as Disney-like as you hoped it would be. You were working int he house in separate ways, almost not sharing time in there together and taking the moments you were both feeling good to buy stuff and plan things.

"Hey, don't cry. Come here, love"

He pushed his chair back and patted his thighs. You didn't need to be told twice. You moved and sat on his lap, curling yourself on it and falling on his embrace.

"It's frustrating" You sniffed.

"I know. But if we do it this way we could be living there in a couple of weeks" He explained. "And you will have your own wardrobe and not a suit case, and all your things and your blankets and we won't have to move around jumping boxes"

"You are sweet. The sweetest. I wish everyone could know that"

"I only show those I love"

You bit your lip. It was the first time he referred to loving you. He had never used the word love around you, even though you knew well he did.

"Look at me"

You did.

"Things don't go like wevd love to. I've learnt it the hard way. Maybe we can build the house as we planned it, but I'm happy to share this with how, however the migraine let us do it"

You pouted again and pressed your forehead against his. "That's the sweetest and longest thing I've ever heard you say"

"Can't you just take it and not joke about it?"

"You are just so sappy" You giggled between tears. He dramatically rolled his eyes. "If I knew you weren't always all serious and deadpan I wouldn't have gone to that date"

"Can be serious and deadpan if you ask for it"

This whole talk had made him flush, with was your favorite thing of him. You kissed his cheeks and then his lips.

"I'm sorry I got like this, it's been difficult"

He caressed your hair. "I know"

You hid on his neck and closed your eyes. "I'm happy I'm doing this with you"

A week and a half later, the house was painted and the furniture was already pilled in the living room.

"Can you believe this, Charlie?" You asked the sweet dog. "You have your own corner even before mum and dad have a bed"

Nolan looked up from the box he was unpacking. Mum and Dad. A smile crept to his lips and Maddie, who was helping you, caught him. He rolled his eyes and flipped her off, which only made her laugh.

"That reminds me, did you brought the..."

"There"

"And..."

"next to the table"

"And..."

"In the car"

"You have everything, don't you?" You asked making him blush.

"Well, I want to make it quick"

Maddie laughed and walked past her bother. Seeing him so in love was actually pretty entertaining. She stayed and helped you unpacking. It was also a big help with the guest room and you could finish only in a few days.

"Hey, it looks good" Nolan said. He had caught you staring at the walls again.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I like that one" He pointed at the picture. It was from your first camping trip together. He kissed you temple and you smile turned as beautiful as the one in the picture.

You turned and wrapped your arms around his waist.

"Nolan"

"Mhm"

"Thank you for not letting me fall that day at the clinic. The treatment was bullshit but at least I met you and... I still have the stupid migraines fucking my life, but... I have you to deal with it by my side and-"

He cut you with a kiss. He couldn't remember if he was a slow kisser before or had just become one with you, but he wanted them to least the longest possible.

"I will do it again" He mumbled "All of it"

You smiled and closed your eyes. He kissed your forehead.

The house was finished only a few days later and you gave yourselves a day to warm on it before having some people over. To be honest, Nolan wanted that day to fulfill the lastest dreams he had been having. Then, the following day, you had your closest friends and family over.

"Nols"

"Here"

You carefully opened the door. He was sitting on his heels in from of the wc, the big body looked so small now.

"Love..."

"I'm fine"

You put your hands on his shoulders and leaned down to help him with his hair.

"Okay, what do you need?"

"A second"

You kissed his temple and decided that yes, those ideas you had in mind made sense. You needed Maddie's help.

"Meds?"

"Please"

You got up and took the meds from the cabinets. Then filled a cup of water and passed them to him.

"I'm good. I was just feeling really dizzy"

"Lay down for a bit" With a wet towel you cleaned the sweat on his face. "It's better"

"I can hear them from our bedroom"

You kissed the side of his head and hugged him to your side tight.

"We'll stay here then"

"The party..."

"I'm good here"

So Nolan curled against you and closed his eyes, enjoying the silence the bathroom gave.

"Five minutes"

You smiled and kissed his head. "Okay"

He was out of town for a few days, needing to fix a few things. Maddie stayed with you, mostly because he asked her to stay just in case you had an episode. It was terrifying for him ti imagine you alone in the new house with a terrible episode. He didn't know that you and his sister had a busy couple of days.

Nolan felt truly homesick for the first time in that hotel room. Now he had a place to come back with his favorite person in the world. He had his own home, but not like the one he had before. He had a home to come back with a person he really seek to go back too. Before, it was all an I'll go home and rest and tomorrow I'll visit YN. Now, it was all an I want to go back and watch films at home with YN.

When Nolan opened the door, Maddie was already gone, she had her own stuff to do so you didn't want to keep her there for longer. He heard a loud squeak and many swears that left him curiously waiting by the door.

"YN?"

"Wait!"

"Where is Charlie?"

Charlie ran in to say hi to his dad, who received him with many belly rubs.

"Where is mum, bud?"

"Right here"

He looked up and his damn cheeks turned a red shade of pink. You were only wearing one of his big old t-shirts and a big smile.

"Oh, hi" He said with a smirk.

"Don't look at me like that. There is something"

"Something"

"A surprise"

His smirk grew.

"Under that old t-shirt"

"No, perv" You cupped his face and gave him a quick kiss. "Welcome. Follow me"

Halfway through the corridor, you covered his eyes and he only laughed.

"This is when you kill me to inherit all my wealth"

"Sure thing"

You were nervous but didn't show it a single bit. "Okay Patty"

You killed his shoulder.

"I hope you like this"

You uncovered his eyes and the first thing he could focus on was a sign in the door. Nolan's quiet room. It was handmade in your favorite crafting. He frowned and looked around. It was the last room. The one you hadn't found a use for yet.

"What's this?"

You bit your lip and opened the door. He walked in slowly. A bed, thick curtains and blinds in the window, a puff, Migraines emergency kit, a mini-fridge, a thick carpet, blankets, pillows...

"YN, what is this?"

You swallowed and grabbed his hands. "This is for you, a little cave. I know you need some alone time when you are not feeling good and that the house and the street can be a little too noisy so... Maddie and I built this for you these past days. You have the carpet so I can walk in and not bother, your earplugs and pads and everything on the kit, for in there, water on the mini-fridge, there are meds I'm those drawers, clothes, blankets, the curtains so this can get 100% dark, the put this weird thing in the walls to cover the noise a bit more and-"

He cut you with a kiss. Years of injuries after injuries and no one had ever done something so big for him. Soon, your back was pressed against the wall and his lips were devouring yours.

"Mmm, Nols-" You parted with big eyes and burning face and panting out of breath.

"I love you" He simply said.

Any of you realized that it was the first time he said that. It was so obvious that he never felt the need to word it. But now it was on his chest and it had slip out. Your eyes had ears and you were smiling. His hands were cupping your face and they felt so warm. You had missed him these days. The house was empty without him.

He kissed your lips but softly this time. "Can I take you out?"

"Do you have to ask your girlfriend on a date?"

"Don't remember asking you to be my girlfriend?"

You frowned and slapped his chest. "Asshole"

"Are you my girlfriend?"

"I hope so"

He chuckled and kissed you once more. "Do you wanna go out for dinner?"

"Perfect"

Because when you were both feeling good, the only thing you wanted was to make the most of it.

You weren't expecting the gears on his mind working so quick. He caught you by surprise, big hand on your eyes and his arm around your body cautiously guiding you.

"W-what are you doing?"

"Shhh"

His heart had never beaten so erratic. He was truly nervous. He was truly worried of your reaction. But then he uncovered your eyes and you gasped. That small and soft gasped he loved on you so much, all surprise in your face and your lips discretely curling in a smile.

YN and Nolan's quiet room.

Your name was way more clumsily written but he tried his best.

"Nols..."

"Go in"

Inside, the room was the same but slightly different. Your weighted blanket, you neck pillow, your blindfold, your earplugs, your meds box and all your other items.

"Nolie..."

"I know you need comfort and being taken care of. And that I get really grumpy when I'm having migraines and maybe I can push you away. It's not because I don't want you. It's just... It takes the worst out of me. Still... This is for us. For us to hide for the world, okay? I want to take care of you and let you take care of me and it meant a lot that you built this for me. So... I made it also yours."

"I love you" You blurted out. "So much. And I can't believe how vocal you are recently. But I love it and you are the best thing that ever happened to me"

He rolled his eyes and hugged you tight. "I hope we don't have to use this as much, but... Here it is and... Just for you and me"

"You and me. I like it" You circled your arms around his neck and he lifted you from the floor.

"Only like it?"

"Love it"

[kabillieu]

Well, I think we had maybe two or three days where everyone felt well. That was great!

And then yesterday, my big kid came down with a sore throat and fatigue. And then I came down with viral conjunctivitis (gross but not as gross as bacterial) and fatigue. So far Covid tests are negative, but who knows.

I am very, very lucky that I am finished with my teaching work for the semester. I'm less lucky in that I had planned to set aside time this week to work on my Comps, and once again I have been foiled. But what's new?

I also don't feel that bad, just achy and tired, though of course I could start feeling much worse anytime. And big kid is feeling really borderline too. I decided to let him go to school today because his symptoms align with a cold and he's functioning okay and just...not seemingly sick enough to need to stay home.

I do think that going through the past three years of pandemic has fundamentally rewired my brain about sickness. Like, I'm ready to panic and hunker down anytime any of us gets so much as a sniffle. But the truth is that with a baby in daycare we are constantly sick. We would never be able to go anywhere again. And that's not how our lives work anymore.

I'm hopeful this spares Dominic. He's been hit really hard by back-to-back illnesses in the past two weeks.

For dinner, I made green Thai curry and then crawled into bed. Baby was super cute. I hate that he's probably going to get sick any minute too. I guess I need to just try to rest as long as I can because the minute he can't go to daycare anymore, I'm stuck with taking care of him all day even though I don't feel well.

I do a lot of complaining here. It probably seems like I hate my life. But I actually really love my life. I love my children. I love my spouse. I just wish we weren't constantly sick.

[seafoamchild]

it's been a very intense couple of weeks. i went to gran's funeral on Sunday. I didn't really feel much about her dying until I was at the funeral, looking at pictures of her and hearing about her life. I was a bit overcome with emotion. I cried, and I never cry. I will miss her.

it was nice to see my extended family but hard to be with my parents. I absolutely hate being with both of them at the same time. it triggers me SO much, I instantly shut down. the constant anxiety about everything. the way EVERYTHING becomes about my dad's emotions.

I've had this epiphany that my dad almost CERTAINLY has bpd. like textbook symptoms. uncontrollable rage. insanely unregulated emotions. blaming everyone else for his feelings. fear of abandonment. intense, consuming anxiety. inability to be alone. seeing everyone as either good or bad.

I've always known he was not normal, but it feels so very validating to learn that he almost certainly has a personality disorder. it makes me sad and angry. I had a very traumatic childhood. my family dynamic was all fucked up. quite frankly it was abusive. my dad would explode with anger over the dumbest shit. we were constantly walking on eggshells. I remember my mom bending over backwards to make/keep him happy. making sure everything was perfect for when he got home, even going so far as telling us to be ready to smile and excitedly greet him when he walked through the door. on one hand I get it, she was scared of him and wanted to prevent a possible rage episode. but it taught me that my dad's emotions were my responsibility, if he blew up, it was my fault, that it was up to me to not set him off. it was extremely damaging.

I totally shut down because of my dad's abuse. and to this day, I continue to immediately shut down whenever I'm with my parents. they don't know the real me. they only know my protective shell. I think they truly have no idea how much pain they inflicted upon me. I showed signs of being emotionally abused throughout childhood... super withdrawn, lack of self esteem, poor social skills, aggressive towards animals. it got even worse during adolescence and I was always made to feel that I was bad. that I was the problem. my brother was also very cruel to me, which I think was his way of coping with our chaotic home life. everyone in my immediate family was banded against me, it seemed. I felt so alone, so withdrawn, so so so bad about myself. and my dad continued being an off and on piece of shit, without a single apology to anyone ever. to this day it continues. I think he is literally incapable of changing.

I have been realizing that none of this has been all in my head. it is real. I did not get the childhood I deserved. I was raised in an emotionally abusive environment. I did not feel safe in my home. and I have suffered for years from poor self esteem, self loathing, disordered eating, depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. there is a reason for all of this. and it's not because I'm a bad person.

I am really trying to navigate how to make peace with myself. and how to make peace with the fact that I cannot change my dad and I cannot fix him. my life is up to me now. it's just a whole lot to process.

[bvannn]

Weekly Update February 9, 2024

The sick has returned. I took my medicine for it this morning but so far it doesn’t seem like it’s gone away, but admittedly my symptoms today could be the result of me having a bad day and it being cold outside, and not necessarily the sick. That’s also why I’m posting this update earlier than usual. If it persists tomorrow I’ll know it’s more surgery side effects, and maybe I’ll message my doctor if it stays throughout the week again. Last week went pretty well so I want to assume this week being messed up was just a fluke. I still got some stuff done, though.

I got a bunch of drawings done, most of them epithet erased and fanart rather than OCs but that’s fine. Fwiw I did get a few more comic pages done, though not one a day like I was hoping. I’ll try another tonight, maybe more if I’m in a good mood. I’m also starting to listen to more music, which should hopefully get inspiration flowing a bit better so I can do more OC art as well.

I still got an animation shaped void I need to fill but haven’t figured out what to do yet. I’d like to try something to music but I gotta get a song done first. So I’ve been trying to work on music but I’ve been so scatterbrained that it’s a bit hard. I’m hoping this weekend I’ll have time, but good chance I’ll try to spend it keeping my mood high instead. I guess I could do some OC animation tests, figure out how clip studio animation works too. Maybe.

Music: been toying with some slow ambient instrumental stuff, and that bigger edm one with the piano I posted a sample of a while ago. Turns out EDM is super easy, so if I can find reasons to keep doing it I will, although admittedly I’m not as big on it as I am on other genres. I’m close to done on that EDM one, partially because it’s supposed to be kinda short. I haven’t touched lyric stuff, I might have to soon though since my congenial medical bs is flaring up again too, and lyrics are luckily something I can do while bedridden. Idk I like how the instrumental is going.

I redid that melody I posted the other day for the ambient track, admittedly didn’t change much but I swapped the third measure out, dropped a few notes, and actually tried it on a lower bpm and with some reverb because I forgot to do that for the samples I posted (whoops), and it sounds fine. I need some other parts for that one still, maybe I’ll use placeholders and just figure out the rest of the instrumentation bc I got that half finished.

Haven’t touched vocaloid again yet. Maybe I’ll make some quick demos so I can understand how tuning works. I’ll probably pick a memey or old song and if I make anything presentable I’ll post it.

Been looking for more VSTs too, I compare it to looking for new brushes whenever you’re dissatisfied with your art. Vital has been good for EDM, basically fixed all my problems for me, again. Also started messing with decentsampler again and it’s probably going to fix my problems when I’m working on that ambient track.

I think this weekend and next week I’ll aim to get some time with the big fancy keyboard and just unload a bunch of recording at once. Force myself to finish shit. Tonight I’d like to as well, but that depends on how bad my homework ends up. And if I get flare ups again. I’m still working on dealing with that condition but I need two or three more surgeries before it’s really going to be gone. And I have to wait for those. I’m not worried about money for now since I’m pretty sure I can get a decent job after I graduate (and at a minimum I can go back to the job I had last summer which I liked and paid pretty well). Right now I don’t have a source of income but I think I’ll be fine, I just need to not spend money, which I’m pretty good at. Next week I’ll focus on music stuff first, throw in some drawings if I can, and keep at those comic thumbnails. Once those are done I’ll start on pages.

[sasha-n-james]

stupid vent under cut lol just needed to get some thoughts out

mostly just rambling, tbh you prob don't need to read this. might be better if u don't i just needed to yap

(i guess cw for identity crisis bpd thoughts stuff???)

something i wish i could tell people is that... i don't have an identity??

one of the main symptoms of my bpd is a lack of identity. i feel like i have no defining features except for what I've fabricated for myself. that's why it's so affirming for people to associate the things i talk about with me, because those are the things i have chosen to make my personality!!! "this made me think of you!" "this is so you!" etc etc. like, it helps me define myself as a person.

the problem i've come across is, because these trivial things are all i have of my personality, they're easily challenged, and thus, my bpd is easily triggered. I've been like this for months, probably years even, but idk how to avoid it because idk how to talk to people about it!!!!

for example, when i say that i'm the #1 fan of something, I'm not trying to genuinely make it a competition. i don't genuinely believe that I'm the very biggest fan of it out there. but it does mean that its a defining part of the identity I've created. so if i say "I'm the #1 crane wives fan!" and someone else goes "no, i am!," it crumbles that facet of my identity. like, if I'm not that, then what am i?? i can easily spiral or switch up on someone because of something as trivial as that. which makes me feel so bad but idk how to stop it

another example, if i say something like "I'm literally the super graphic modern girl, that song is about me!," its clearly not true, chappell roan does not know me and would never write a song about me. but i use that song to define myself. and if someone says to me "i don't think so tbh" or "no, that song's about ME," my identity or individuality feels ruined. once again, if that's not me, then who am i?

one more example is when i claim to highly relate to characters, or if i say that I'm a character "irl." i don't mean it in the 2020 "toxic kinnie, no doubles" way LOL, i mean it in a "i see myself in this character, and this helps me define who i am" way. and so when other people claim to be these characters, mainly to my face, it can really hurt tbh. and it's not like i have a HUGE MASSIVE list of characters that are Mine for people to memorize and avoid, there's like... maybe 4 at most.

but the problem is, i feel like an asshole saying "please don't say that to me," because I'm not saying other people CAN'T relate to them!!!! just that i can't handle when people unintentionally "challenge" or "steal" my personality to my face. if people want to claim to be those characters on their own turf far away from me that's fine, i can ignore it if it bothers me, easy peasy!! but sometimes people will talk to me about these characters and be like "and she's so me irl!" and I'm like..... i dont how to tell you how bad that just made me feel :(. because its stupid ! and i hate talking about it ! it makes me feel like the worst person alive. and i don't want THEM to feel bad either, because its not their fault, i just don't know how to communicate it without feeling like an ass!

i dont know if this post makes any sense, but its just something I've been thinking about. its prob one of the only boundaries i have, and its one of the biggest triggers i have, but i don't know how to navigate it gracefully without upsetting people. just when people suggest that they're more "me" than i am, i freak the fuck out

and this has been going on for like MONTHS AND MONTHS, in person and on here and on Instagram and in my friend group and on tiktok and with even my sister?? tho its not about any one specific instance, tbh it happens like multiple times a week sometimes so its not uncommon. and i just UGH needed to get it off my chest . hopefully this ranty rambly post makes me feel a bit better and maybe other people relate to this idk. (just maybe don't tell me what you relate to, in case we relate to the same things and it triggers us both LOLOL). or maybe just ignore this post and pretend you didn't see it because i feel so evil even talking about it for some reason idk I'm not good at this sort of thing

[manicgoblin]

whole lotta new music courtesy of ru 🥹✨

love my friends so much fr. had a really warm and tender night. got home from work, cleaned my whole apartment cuz I was slacking the last half a week or so. listened to music and shared songs back and forth with ru. kinda half assed planned a trip to chile/stay with their aunt for the summer when their semester is up. Gotta get a passport by March so we can go. talked to my sister for a while, that was nice. He came over and we made dinner. he wanted yellow rice, so I got that goin, and he made us tuna steaks and a whole lotta veggies. we snuggled in bed and watched samurai champloo and she’s the man (i was super anxious from the gummy he offered me, but we made it thru LMAO) woke up this morning to a clean space and Tsuki giving us a good morning snuggle. gotta shower, do a couple dishes, and then head into work. todays going to be good. I got this.

as a side note…

this period has been killer on my mental health. I should really look into something for it at this point. with a solid routine and keeping up with my shit consistently for like 8 months now I can actually tell when it’s getting bad again, and it’s always the week before/during my period. the depression is so much worse. the brain fog. the pain. the hopelessness. the mood swings. the flashbacks and anxiety. my ptsd/bpd symptoms are there otherwise throughout the month but for those 1.5-2 weeks it’s hell, and it’s every. single. month. I’m exhausted. I know treating pmdd is learning what works, diet changes, managing a schedule so there’s less going on that triggers the mental health symptoms, and maybe antidepressants, but something’s gotta give. having to deal with this for the rest of my life is unimaginable. it’s not exactly gender dysphoria, but I am extremely dysphoric about my period now. my gender dysphoria is so much worse during these weeks. I hate my body and the way I present around this time of the month. I really do feel hysterical sometimes. like yes whoever said your uterus was in your throat, go take a day by the seaside and bring this vibrator and cocaine with you, WAS RIGHT lol. gotta go back in to see my docs soon and talk about reworking some med options. maybe a Wellbutrin rerun. and a new adhd test. finding out that my mother has it, and that that was my first diagnosis as a child has me like “yeah hello that was the problem the whole time and then y’all traumatized me and I got personality and trauma disorders” :/ I don’t think they’ll give me adhd meds with my history of drug use, but Wellbutrin might help again…idk. one step at a time. starting a course in Jan for this certificate, working two jobs, taking my permit test real soon now that they mailed me a new test date. everything is going to work itself out because I’m taking steps to get there. some days, some weeks are hard, but I haven’t let up in the face of that. I’m proud of myself. It hurts, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m grief ridden still, but I’m also finding joy and I’m determined. I’ve gotten better. I have to see that. On the days when it’s dark, I have to remember how far I’ve come. How much I’ve done for myself, by myself. It’s been a long road, and it’s only getting longer, but damn it the scenery is beautiful for once, I can see the scenery for once. and isn’t that the point? picking wildflowers on your way? noticing the trees sway as you move past? pointing out the mushrooms on the side of the road, watching the ants crawl over a branch, sharing bread and fruit with your friends and holding hands while you walk? my body aches, my mind aches, but I’m not alone, and the trees are swaying with me. we’ve always been in synch. I’m being held by the earth everywhere I go. I’m holding myself. I’m holding my friends. I’m holding space for the trees around me. Things are okay, even when they’re not, even when they’re unbearable, things are okay. Life goes on. I keep getting older, so does the soil and the birds and the trees.

[lyonfreddie]

prolonged wailing and gnashing of teeth under the cut!!!

let me just preface this by saying that i never get super personal on here anymore but i really just need to vent!!!!

i love my job mostly because i love my coworkers. i work in development/fundraising at a pretty big museum and our team of 5 is all a bunch of young professional women with Good Taste and Witty Banter. like we are all successionpilled. i would hate my job so much if i didn’t work with these people. last week, my favorite coworker announced she was moving to another city and got a job there to be with her long-distance fiancé (he got a tenure track job and obviously... cannot move lmao), and i was SO SAD because she is SO COOL and SO POISED and i want to be just like her, but i took comfort in the fact that we would still have 4/5 of our lovely team still together.

and then my boss pulls me aside first thing this morning and tells me SHE’S LEAVING TO LMFAO

like. i’m literally going to go insane. after march 16, our team of 5 will be a team of 3, and we won’t have either a leadership giving manager OR a membership manager. i print member cards and assemble renewal/new member packets once a week each week as my Big Project but before my boss leaves she’s going to teach me how to do pretty much everything she does that she hasn’t taught me yet. which is really, really nice of her, and also kind of a vote of confidence—i seriously doubt she would take another job if she wasn’t absolutely sure she was leaving her membership program in capable hands. 

my boss is the best boss i’ve ever had. she’s so organized and she knows everything about our museum’s institutional history because she was working there before it was even built. she has always given me clear instructions and honest feedback and she’s just so, so funny. she’s great. we’re practically the same person and have the same interests. and i still have so much left to learn from her. it almost feels unfair that she’s leaving, but i’m an actual adult now and i know this is the correct career move for her. she’s not even going that far. she’s going to work at another museum that is like 800 feet away from us.

but i’m still SO fucking sad. i’ve been crying on and off all day, including at work, where i had to hold it all in. the major gifts officer saw me at the printer and was like ‘you must be feeling sad, huh’ and all i could say was ‘yeah’ and she patted me on the back and i almost lost it in the middle of the office. like... GOD

it’s so embarrassing. i pride myself on being very cool and calm and collected, and the rest of my team always tells me it’s nice how i’m so calm all the time, especially when we’re running events. but i literally walked home today and then sat on the floor of my apartment and bawled for 5 straight minutes until i was out of breath. lol. i am going to be a wreck for every single bit of their farewells and it is not going to be pretty. i’m so sad. i’m so scared. what the fuck.

i’ve also just like... been On Edge for the past week or so in a way that hasn’t really manifested since grad school. my first semester of grad school was when i developed really bad anxiety that only manifested as physical symptoms—nausea, diarrhea, constipation, loss of appetite, insomnia, weird painful muscle cramps, etc. to the point where i literally thought i was on the verge of death! i’ve been reading a book about the salem witch trials and couldn’t help but notice that the “fits” described by the “afflicted” were weirdly similar to how my anxiety jumped out, save for, like, hallucinations. it’s a good book and i want to finish it but just thinking about the similarities almost gave me a panic attack one night... which is crazy. and then i woke up this morning and found out my stupid hemorrhoid is flaring up again. which, in retrospect, just seems like an omen. lmao.

if there is any silver lining to this at all, it’s that there is a possibility i may be promoted to membership manager. i’m currently at the coordinator level, but when my boss broke the news to me, she said that we’d be working with our external membership consultant (who i’ve met! she’s great.) to help keep renewal notices and regular mailings going out. presumable until i’m up to speed. i’ve been at this museum for over a year, and full-time for 7 months. they might wait a few months, until i get closer to a year as a FT employee. or they might just hire a new boss for me. i’m ok staying at the coordinator level for a little while longer; it’s nice not having to worry a TON about budgets and financial goals. but i could probably do it if pressed. and getting a big ass salary bump would be nice.

if you made it all the way to the end, thank you for being cringe with me 🤝 the reason this is here and not in my journal is because there was clearly too much to put into my journal without having my hand cramp up. i’ll be ok. i’ll get through this. but it’s gonna fucking suck 😭

[monotonous-minutia]

Y'all after like two months of practical quarantine I'm finally allowing myself to go to the laundromat and you have no idea how excited I am

[tomurasprincess]

Kinktober Day 22: Zombie (Voracious)

Day 22: Zombie Title: Voracious Word Count: 2.6k Warnings: Noncon, necrophilia (cause zombie), predator/prey, biting, marking, blood play, yandere Note: Thank you so much to @thewheezingwyvern who is always down to help me without batting an eye when I go “so, zombie plague...what are some good symptoms? And yes, the zombie is going to fuck you.” Also, for the love of everything that is unholy, please mind the warnings. Do not read the fic and come to me to tell me how disgusting it was. Trust me, I know. :)

Kinktober Masterlist

The country of Japan is dead. Or at least close enough that the distinction doesn’t matter.

Several months ago, an aggressive virus leaked from a quirk research facility and spread through the population like wildfire. Nobody was informed about what was going on, and nobody was warned when the virus first began to hit the cities. Officials kept it as quiet as possible, hoping to contain the spread before it got out of control. And before anyone knew how big of a mistake they had made.

But it was far too late for any sort of containment. The virus already spread fast in a lab environment, and it was even faster as it tore through an unprepared population.

The first sign of contracting the virus is tiredness and body aches.  The infected simply thought they caught a minor illness, and they continued their business as usual, expecting it to go away on its own. But as the virus continues to spread through their body, the tissues start to die and they develop intense fevers and headaches. By the time the infection makes its way to the brain, confusion and outright delirium has begun to occur.

The infected are wild by this point, feral to the point of attacking, biting, and eating the uninfected.  The ones who were bitten and survived had the site of their wound swell and turn agonizing to the touch, and they would suffer the same progression as the other infected.

The final stage is always the same though. Once the black rot of plague starts appearing on your skin and spreading like the branches of a tree, it’s too late.

The worst part is that the infected still have use of their quirks, and the devastation has been immense. Super powered heroes and villains with their minds rotting and decaying from infection, losing the ability to distinguish friend from foe. In some areas, the casualties were even worse from fighting than they were from the virus itself.

Somehow, you have managed to keep yourself alive and stay away from the worst in-fighting and the areas with the highest concentration of infected. Still though, it is a surprise to you. You’re simply a quirkless nobody with no way to defend yourself.

You have seen so many better, stronger people die right in front of you, leaving you forced to continue on alone.

You sigh as you scavenge through an old building that was once a store, looking for more supplies. Yours are dangerously low, and your dry mouth and grumbling stomach tells you that you need to find something quickly, before you become too weak to continue on.

You practically jump out of your skin when you hear the banging of items hitting the ground from deeper within the store. It might be survivors, or it might be the infected. The thought briefly occurs to you that you need to check to make sure, but you quickly shake it away.

Survivors or not, you didn’t come this far by being careless. But as you inch quietly towards the exit, you see a flash of red eyes from within the darkness as something emerges.

No, not something. Someone.

One of the infected.

It’s clear that he’s in the late stages of infection, the black rot spreading out through his body, but most notably his left leg which he drags limply. He’s wearing what are essentially black rags that flow out from behind him, leaving his chest bare so that you can see more of the black spiderwebs of rot twining outwards.

His eyes zoom in on you, narrowing slightly as you stand there frozen in fear. Neither of you moves for what feels like hours, but is really mere seconds. You break out of your trance first, turning on your heel and running for the door. The infected pursues you instantly, jumping over a table rather than running around it to save time. The move is a sign of intelligence that instantly fills you with dread. By this stage, the infected are usually too confused and delirious to remember such things.

You make it to the door with him hot on your heels. You’ve always considered yourself a fast runner, especially lately, but this is an entirely different story. He’s fast, too fast. The infected are not supposed to be like this, especially not with a bad leg. But yet he is quickly catching up to you as you dart through streets you know so well.

You realize that your only chance is to lose him somehow, as you’re never going to be able to outrun him. Your breath is coming in harsh pants already, a stitch burning in your side as you make a sharp, desperate right turn into an alleyway.

An alleyway with a dead end.

This area was clear just a week ago, but now it looks like an infected hero or villain used their quirk to collapse both buildings in the area, causing massive chunks of cement and debris to block the road out. There is no way to climb over the rubble and no handholds or stairs to use to climb up the buildings. You’re completely trapped.

You whirl around quickly, hoping to get out before the infected catches up with you. But you’re too late. He’s already standing at the entrance of the alley,  staring you down with heated red eyes. A sharp burst of awareness fills you as you realize exactly who this is. The leader of the League of Villains, Shigaraki Tomura, whose whereabouts have been speculated on for weeks along with the rest of his villain group.

No wonder he’s so fast and so dangerous. The infected retain some level of awareness and ability from the time before, and Shigaraki was one of the most deadly villains in the country.

And if the way he’s acting towards you is any indication, he still is.

You take a step back. He takes a step forward. Another step back. Another step forward. You scan through your chances of getting out of this alive and uninfected, but your mind comes up with nothing.

Your back hits a wall abruptly, and in your split second distraction, the infected is on you. You’re pulled roughly to the ground, hands barely breaking your fall as you land on your front. This is it, you think to yourself, I’m about to be eaten. All this time of running away, of watching people you care about die, all for nothing.

You can’t stop yourself from trembling as you try to brace for the pain of being devoured. But instead, he leans down and buries his face into your neck, sniffing the skin deeply as he pushes your body further onto the ground. His hips are bucking against the curve of your ass, and with dawning horror, you realize exactly what the hard bulge in his pants is.

He grabs your pants and you watch as decay overtakes them and dissolves them into ash. He decays your shirt and bra next, leaving you bare from the waist up and shivering from the cold of his body pressed against you. You’re too scared to move, too scared to do anything.

But when he reaches for your panties, that’s when your paralysis finally breaks and fear takes over. You try to lift yourself up from the ground to run, only to hear a snarl as teeth sink into the flesh of your neck.

You go limp with a choked sob, losing any and all desire to try and get away. It’s all over now. That one single moment has doomed you to infection and madness. The pain of the bite is nothing compared to the despair you feel.

He lets out a pleased hum at your sudden obedience, pulling your panties aside as you feel something cold and hard prodding at your entrance. You barely have time to comprehend what’s happening before your pussy is filled with one sharp thrust of the creature’s hips. The infected aren’t supposed to do this, aren’t supposed to have these urges, you think wildly to yourself. This can’t be happening, it’s not possible.. But it is happening. You’re being taken by this creature like a wild animal in a back alley.

And then he is moving, hips slapping against your ass as his throbbing length pounds into you. There is no gentleness, no precision, just deep, feral thrusts that have you unwillingly clenching. He’s thicker than you’re used to, and the pain of your muscles stretching around him causes you to whine from the back of your throat.

This shouldn’t feel good. You should be horrified, disgusted. You should be fighting tooth and nail to get away, even though it’s hopeless since you’re already infected. But the cold of his cock pressing against your warm walls has your head spinning from the contrast.

He hits a soft, spongy spot inside of you, and you let out a squeal as your stomach tightens. The teeth are removed from your neck, only to bite down in another spot on the other side. He ruthlessly breaks skin, causing blood to run down your front and drip onto the pavement below.

Your body feels like it’s on fire, everything so overly sensitive as his cock forces your walls to stretch open even further as he gets rougher. The hands gripping your hips feel warmer than they were before, fingers digging hard enough into your skin to create bruises. The grunts and groans leaving his throat are positively lewd, and he takes his mouth away only to bite down in between your shoulder blades.

Your scream echoes through the alley as the teeth penetrate flesh, his tongue lapping at the bite and taking deep swallows of your blood. You try to imagine yourself somewhere else, anywhere else so that you don’t think of the pressure building up inside of you and the pain from the throbbing bites now decorating you.

Your nails dig hard into the cement below you as you try to ground yourself and ignore what’s happening, but Shigaraki doesn’t seem to appreciate that at all. He smacks his hand hard against your ass, keeping his pinky raised delicately off your skin in a way that has you worried about his level of awareness.

Now that your attention is firmly back on him, he bites the back of your neck, and you can’t stop the howl that leaves your throat when you feel your skin break, or the orgasm that wracks your body as you feel blood trail down the column of your neck and down in between your breasts.

Tears run down your face as humiliation burns through you, the shame of cumming around this infected villain’s cock almost too much to bear. Almost worse than the fact that you’ll soon be just like him.

“M-m-m - “

Your eyes widen as you glance behind you, seeing the infected concentrating hard as he tries to get words out. He’s stopped thrusting, as if he’s trying to focus entirely on whatever he wants to say. As he opens his mouth, you see his teeth stained with your blood and the sight shoots straight to your core.

“M-m-mine,” he finally manages to stutter out, “mine.” He forces your head down onto the pavement as he begins to ruthlessly pound into you.  The infected don’t speak, they’re not supposed to speak -

“Mine,” he snarls, almost as if he heard your thoughts and is trying to prove you wrong.

You’re oversensitive and wet from your previous orgasm, allowing him to fuck you deeply, hitting your cervix with every thrust. You can feel your pussy dripping your juices all over his cock, and the wet squelching noises that fill the alleyway has you shaking with embarrassment.

“Mine, mine mine,” he chants as he bites again and again, each time pausing long enough to take gulps of your blood. Your head is spinning, lightheadedness from blood loss overtaking you. The ground below you has puddles of your own blood where it drips down, and you briefly think that maybe you really will be eaten right here and now instead of being infected and left to wander.

His hand comes in between your bodies to stroke tight circles against your swollen clit as he chuckles deeply into your ear. “Mine,” he whispers darkly. “Why else would I stumble across the cure for the plague if you weren’t meant to be mine?”

Cure for the plague? That’s not possible, there’s no cure for the plague, and you’re completely quirkless -

He bites down one last time, sinking his teeth into the back of your neck and holding you there like a dog refusing to let go of a bone. You realize why immediately when he groans into your heated skin, warmth spreading through your core as he shoots hot ropes of cum directly against your cervix. The pain of his teeth buried into your flesh has you thrown over the edge as well, legs trembling and eyes rolling into the back of your head.

He removes his teeth from your neck once he’s emptied himself inside of you, letting you go as you collapse onto the ground. You roll over enough to meet his eyes, seeing sharp intelligence and contemplation. The black rot is quickly disappearing, color returning to his skin. Within no time at all, you can no longer tell he was ever infected.

“How - I don’t - I’m quirkless - “

“No, you’re not.” He states it matter of factly, as if it was already known. “You have a quirk, it just didn’t have a purpose until the plague. Your blood carries the cure.”

You consider everything that happened, realizing that the more blood he drank, the more human he seemed. The faster the infection was being cured. He snorts at the look of disbelief and then understanding on your face. “With you on my side, I can remake society exactly the way that I want.”

“I am not on your fucking side! You’re a villain who just - “ You can’t even bring yourself to finish the sentence, but Shigaraki has no issues doing it for you.

“A villain who just fucked you and got you off?  Such a dirty girl, getting off around infected cock.”

Your face heats up and you instantly glance away, drawing another chuckle from his throat. “I won’t help you,” you say stubbornly, ignoring his previous words.

“Who said I was giving you a choice?” His fingers dig into your arm as he pulls you off the ground. “You belong to me now, and I’m going to do whatever the fuck I want with you. Just think about the power I have now. I control who stays infected and who gets cured. No more hero society.” His voice has taken on an excited, almost manic tone as he considers the possibilities.

“Are you - are you going to let them do what you just did?” You whisper quietly, a single tear running down your face at being used the same way by other people.

He instantly scowls at you. “Of course not.”

You perk up just a bit, until you hear his next words.

“I’ll let you be a blood bag, but for everything else - you’re mine. And I don’t like to share.” He begins to drag you back the way that you came, walking with purpose.

“Now come along. We have so much work to do.”

✧༝┉┉┉┉┉˚*❋ ❋ ❋*˚┉┉┉┉┉༝✧

Kinktober: @ichor-and-symbiosis, @thewheezingwyvern​, @vixen-scribbles, @katsukisprincess, @hisoknen, @trafalgar-temptress, @leeswritingworld, @burnedbyshoto, @bakugotrashpanda, @dee-madwriter, @kittycatkrissa, @reinawritesbnha, @yanderart, @dabilove27, @fae-father, @anxietyplusultra, @flutterfalla, @angmarwitch, @nereida19, @babayaga67, @fromsunnywithlove, @dabis-kitten, @bakugos-cumsock, @yumeneji, @the-grimm-writer, @iwaizumi-chan, @slashersheart, @bunnyywritings, @bakarinnie, @angie-1306, @emplosion22, @lalalemon101, @videogameboiwhowins, @f4nficbaby, @tenkoshimmy, @baroque-baby, @bbyspiiice, @thirstyforthem2dmen, @blissfulignorance2000, @bluecookies02-main

[redrobin-detective]

Side Effects of ghost powers

Hey all! I’m writing a DP fic called Side Effects exploring the physical and later mental/emotional impact of Danny initially getting his ghost powers. As an ICU stepdown nurse for 3 years, I wanted to view Danny’s accident through a slightly more realistic, medical lens. 

Note: I had to fudge a good amount because Danny really should have fucking died and there’s no getting around that.

I do recommend you read the fic first before reading this as there’s some spoilers. Or if you don’t care you can read on. So! The two factors we are looking at regarding the accident are: ecto-contamination secondary to electrocution. 

Electrocution

I was forced to downplay a lot of the severe symptoms of electrocution because, again, a bad enough shock will kill someone. My hand-wavey explanation is simply that the portal didn’t activate at a deadly voltage so he got a good shock but not enough to be fatal. I guess.

Muscle weakness/spasms: intermittent muscle spasms are common from shocks, muscles being activated by electricity and reacting to the lingering impulses. Danny’s is transient but quite annoying for a time. But his muscles are gonna be weak and achy af for days if not weeks after from the massive contractions caused by the shock and the after effects. Sensory issues: lots of things can cause nerve damage, including electrocution so Danny is experiencing some pretty severe neuropathy primarily manifesting with numbness and tingling throughout his body. His entire skin and peripheral nervous system got fried so while its mostly numb it’s also super sensitive for a bit of time causing massive pain and discomfort from your body tingling like a thousand bee stings. It’s worst in the hours after the accident but is something that never quite really goes back to normal both from the electrocution and his ghost half taking over and generally dulling his sense of touch.

Hearing/Vision loss: Like skin/nerves, your sensory organs in your eyes and ears would be affected by such a severe and allover electric shock. Danny has some blurred and occasionally double vision from his eyes not properly receiving/understanding input. Hearing loss is common following electricity given how delicate the inner ear is but I just give Danny some nasty tinnitus (ear ringing) for a bit. This inner ear problem also massively throws off his balance when he’s trying to move post accident. These factors are exacerbated by the ecto-contamination and mostly fade in the days following the accident before going away as his superhuman healing kicks in.

Heart Arrhythmia: an irregular heartbeat caused by the electrical impulses that control basal heartrate not coordinating they they should for a variety of reasons, in this case, massive electric shock. Danny would be somewhat aware of it, its not exactly painful exactly but you can just feel that your heart isn’t beating right. Secondary side effects are dizziness, chest pain, fatigue and shortness of breath. This resolves almost entirely when Danny stabilizes

Cognitive issues: Danny got his brains a little scrambled in addition to his molecules being rearranged. The first third of the story Danny is very clearly NOT thinking straight and Tucker/Sam should not have left him alone. Shocks can cause things like irrational emotional behaviors from hormone release along with memory loss and depression. He constantly waxes and wanes in mood and opinions on what to do in the story and never comes to a true decision that, damn lucky for him, worked out on its own.

Ecto-Contamination

Alright so Danny got massively shocked, sucks right but people live through that all the time. Ecto-contamination is more tricky (not only cause its made up and I had to think about what symptoms it would theoretically produce) but because the effects are more life threatening. It’s also irreversible, once he was contaminated it was only something that could be survived not cured. 

So I theorized that Danny got shocked by the accident and was slowly dying of ecto-contamination and was pretty much clinically dead for a brief moment there, the death was enough for the large quantity of ectoplasm in him to immediately coalesce into a ghost (Phantom). So Danny was mostly dead but not quite, I’ve coded and brought back enough people to know it can be reversed somewhat. Danny becomes Phantom but the sudden stable formation of the ectoplasm into what its supposed to be, a ghost, caused his body to stop fighting the ectoplasm as a foreign invader and become part of the self. His core finished forming in his chest and his body started back up again, his ghost safely nestled in his once again living body as he slowly comes to grips with his actual death experience. 

Nausea/Vomiting: I likened the idea of ecto-contamination to radiation poisoning, something that is essentially the antithesis to life. One of the first symptoms of radiation is n/v which is also why it’s one of the first overt symptoms Danny has. He was heavily electrocuted/irradiated and his body wants to expunge it all. As for the ectoplasm/blood he vomits, that’s the next section. 

Gastrointestinal (GI) Bleed: So I was a little mean here. When one vomits up blood (or in this case ectoplasm/blood mix) it has to come from somewhere and a lot of the times it’s a GI Bleed. These are nasty, they need to be either cauterized or surgically repaired not to mention replenishing the blood lost. Fanon says that ectoplasm is at least mildly corrosive to humans so it is here, as it’s bonding to him, it’s literally eating him very slowly from the inside out which is causing a great deal of his internal pain. It’s not enough to be immediately life threatening but would kill him eventually. He developed some nasty bleeding ulcers in his stomach which let in blood and ectoplasm which were expunged. Danny’s core formed overnight and began healing the damage it had previously been causing but Dan is still gonna be vomiting excess blood/ectoplasm not to mention having black, tarry stools for at least a few days afterwards.

Hypothermia/Tremors: Hypothermia is when the body hits 95F/35C which Danny is just above at the start of the chapter. Danny initially starts shaking really bad (rigors) but as his body temperature cools further his shaking slows and eventually stops, a sure sign that the body is rapidly losing the fight to hypothermia and will likely die soon without immediate intervention. This is caused not only by the ectoplasm but his ice core shakily starting to form inside of him. Once he fully turns half ghost his hypothermia doesn’t change but it just no longer negatively affects him (I say Danny hovers naturally around 96-95F/35-33C getting much colder as Phantom at baseline. His body still can be damaged by going too cold but that’s a whole other post.) 

Incoherency/Hallucinations: I mentioned in the electrocution section that Danny is more than a little addled and the contamination didn’t help in that regard. Not only is he not thinking clearly but he’s also getting a little delirious and seeing things. Common hallucinations I see are: someone in the room watching you, things crawling on the walls, creeping shadows, you’re in the wrong place. I think its a solid 50/50 as far as Danny straight up hallucinating but also becoming more aware of natural ectoplasm that hangs around in the atmosphere. (And before anyone asks, yes Clockwork did come and visit, Danny just doesn’t remember)

Pain: Being electrocuted, irradiated, being dissolved slowly on the inside is enough to cause massive amounts of pain. Danny is 14, he doesn’t understand true pain and probably underestimated how much it would hurt. Once it got bad, it was almost paralyzing so it got to the point where even when he wanted to call for help, he couldn’t move or think past the horrible pain of his every molecule slowly dying and rearranging itself.

Weakness/Fatigue: I don’t really have anything much to add for this section that hasn’t been said in the others. Just the combination of all of the above meant Danny is so incredibly weak and fatigued, this will be problematic in the days and weeks following the accident as his body heals from the stress put on it. Poor boy was probably just getting past the worst of his symptoms by the time of the Lunch lady attack one month in.

Ghost instinct: Going off the medical rant for a minute to go into another aspect of the contamination present in the story, the idea of ectoplasm adding inherent ghostiness to Danny. Its common fanon that all ghosts (through ectoplasm) have their own unique code and language that is just omnipresent and instinctive. Such a massive, body altering dose of ectoplasm saw those things start to leech into Danny even before he became half ghost. The biggest is his fear of being seen, majority of ghosts are completely invisible and don’t want to be seen by the living. As Danny’s suffering and literally dying, he can’t bring himself to confess to his loved ones for very understandable reasons but also this ghostly instinct in the back of his head telling him to hide and get away. Other instincts are a strong attraction to the portal/Ghost Zone, lowkey being able to sense living people around him and a bit of an emotional dampener when Phantom. 

[saidrolav]

🐧can I get a Stranger Things Ship if you’re still doing them with one of the older characters, Im not a minor Im turning 19 on the 28th! I also use she/her pronouns and Im straight.

(This is super chaotic ik but I opened Tumblr then I simply forgot how the English language works💕)

As far as personality, I’ve been obsessed with the Marauders since I was 11ish and made them my entire personality. I have adhd and a lot of people say Im EXACTLY like James Potter personality wise. I’ve also been in LOVE with Sirius Black forever (Remus too but mostly Sirius). I have no aesthetic really I’ll wear a super frilly pink dress and those Amazon knock offs of the Versace platform heels in hot pink one day and one of seven leather jackets and old beat up black converse the next. I’ve been a competitive figure skater for 15 years and in middle school I skated to ACDC’s Back In Black after all the rude looks from old ladies I went on to do Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, Def Leppard, ZZ Top, The Rolling Stones, Queen, and more. I also live in a small town in Illinois and shot trap in HS (just in case thats where you shoot clay pigeons with a shotgun) I got Top Female 3 years in a row and did better than most of the “redneck” boys who got their egos bruised when I STILL shot better when I showed up in my prom dress THREE TIMES. I drive a cherry red Mustang and sometimes wear lipstick and press on nails to match it. I have a MESSY room and car but you best bet everything else is organized, all my notes are color coded with rainbow pens and I have a 3.75 gpa, I work on campus at my university in the DEI office and I’m the president of the Disability Awareness club all while I’m running off of iced lattes. I loved all the kids of ST I just don’t relate as well because I’m older than them, but I do relate to Dustin and love his comedy. I somehow got MULTIPLE rare genetic disorders (how one gets multiple RARE genetic disorders idk the drs dont know either and all these rare disorder foundations want to test me now) one of them is Ehlers-Danlos and I have all the generic symptoms like stretchy skin and bad joints my knees actually dislocate and pop back in as I walk sometimes but the latest thing was my middle finger dislocated and I got it xrayed to make sure I set it correctly and now I have my xray of me flipping off the xray machine taped to my wall and I sent it to all my friends too with no explanation. Ive also become the nurse friend of the group because I currently have 12 diagnosed conditions and I used to have to give myself Subcutaneous infusions once a week before I switched to IVs in the hospital and even though I in no way went to medical school when someone comes to me hurt usually I can fix it or when they come with symptoms I can give them advice but tell them to still go to a dr then they go to a dr and usually the dr says the exact same thing I did except Im a Human Resources major and an anthropology minor and Im keeping it that way. As far as a best friend in ST I’d have to say it would be Robin because because she’s exactly like one of my real life best friends.

Tysm!! I hope you’re having a great day :)

Hiiii! I'm somehow happy you talk about Ehlers-Danlos because my cousin has it and i know how hard it can be 🛐 But even tho all the difficulties YOU are the main character and i love you!! 💚 i ship you with..

Steve Harrington!

If you're bestfriend with Robin you betcha she would do the match maker between you and Steve and she would precise to him that if he breaks your heart she would break his neck 👀

He ADORES the badass vibes you give off and he's head over heels for you!! He's also in love with your Mustang and any time he has the chance to drive it you bet he WILL.

He'll be super protective over you even tho you're the doctor of your friend group he wants to make sure that you don't get hurt in any way!!

If he would've been here when you kicked those redneck's asses he would've probably been like "YAP THAT'S MY GURRRL!! 🗣🗣"